Nerd Poker - S5E13 Ditchin the Kitchen

Episode Date: October 18, 2022

After finding some elves unstuck in time, our heroes attempt to escape the abandoned kitchen and catch up with Bunk the halfling, somewhere in a hallway probably not infected with magic pink mold. Probably. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Blake Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Nerd Poker. Oh, it's going to be a good one.

I can feel it. It's episode 13. We did it. We made it to 13. My friends are here. Look at them. Oh, we got some ramen in the house. But did it. We made it to 13. My friends are here. Look at them. Oh, we got some ramen in the house, but hold on. I'll wait. Blaine's

here. Hey, you're correct. I sure am. What's up, dude? Dan, don't run away. I'll say hi to Sarah first then. Hey, Sarah. Just get me out of the way. Hi. Get to the animals.

No, let's get to the animals. Where are your pets? Are you petless? Are you guys petless at that house? Yes, unfortunately. You have crazy little kids. Yeah, they're like small pets. I would love a dog, though. It feels like they've been

two and four years old for like ten years. Yeah, that's because now they're like small pets. I would love a dog, though. It feels like they've been two and four years old for like ten years. Yeah, that's because now they're six and eight. Chris is here. Hi. What's up, buddy? I have no animal to hold up at the moment. I apologize. What do you got over at that house?

We have two dogs. Jim's over here, just out of frame. Jim and Clifford. Jim and Clifford. That's amazing. Two sweet boys. You can see Clifford from here. Is that the big red dog?

He's the one. What's up, Ken? Oh, hey, Brian. How's it going? How are you, buddy? Good. Here's my cat, Lane. What. Here's my cat, Lane. What? Here's my cat, Lane.

In a box. Aww. Let it out. Dan's back. Where's your animal? I was walking three feet away to get my cat. Yeah, look at that cat. Wow. Hey, buddy.

He's part ragdoll, so when you pick him up, he just goes limp. Yeah, those guys are awesome. Dan's cat looks different than Blaine's. And then, here we go. Sam's here, everybody. Hello, sweet children. How you doing, man? I mean, very good.

Right on. Yeah. You got some kisses from that Stan Winston creature. I do. You can see he takes about three hours to wake up. He doesn't have bones until at least another hour. Yeah. Oh, no bones day.

Now, how many guys are behind the couch operating him? It's actually like a big bird thing where his head is someone's hand and his face is actually right in there. Oh, he's got a monitor inside there somewhere. Yeah, right in there. And he's union. So it's about lunch break. Nice.

Mavis is crazy last night, and she's okay today. I saw your Mavis deadpool video and it made me laugh very hard she's very ferocious the most vicious dog on the internet is what people have been saying yeah vicious dogs uh let's get in it's uh episode 13 what um we should thank some people for uh i think so yeah let us make it this long you mind if i do it brian yeah i wish you would oh i just it's my favorite part of my day aside from drinking coffee and that moment where you wake up and you're like oh oh i'm in heaven it's all over finally finally sweet embrace of death uh just kidding hey everybody it's episode 13 and i would like to thank our hay boss and gargoyle i have not

finished my coffee stargoyle tear thank you curdy thank you two kids in a trench coat thank you matt matt bow bat thank you that guy who got a boner in front of some cheerleaders thank you pokey bill thank you for apologizing thank you henry felchow thank you for apologizing. Thank you, Henry Felchow. Thank you, Spinal Tap Ioka. Thank you, Stuart Black. Thank you, Smacky the Frog. Thank you, Daniel, whom I care for deeply. Thank you, Riding Hard on Skeletor's Dick. Whoa, hey.

Thank you, Mostly Ironic Avian War Cry. That's for you, Ken. Thank you, Lil. Thank you. Lil Mouse man brand cigarettes. Smile and have a smoke because you just got your kids back. Lil Mouse brand cigarettes. Thank you, Bradley. The bagel Baron.

Thank you. I'm a leg. Do you finish? Thank you. I'm flattered that you guys actually remember the name of an NPC. Thank you. I'm flattered that you guys actually remember the name of an NPC. Thank you. Not listeners, the players.

Thank you, Dr. Fistington. Thank you. These shoes don't walk themselves. Thank you, Brian and Steve's fart filled bathroom that almost killed Doug. Thank you,

John. Classic episode of television. Thank you, Skippy. Thank you. It's the B hole because it does be work. Thank you, Skippy. Thank you. It's the B-hole because it does B-work. That's my stand-up. Thank you, that baby Grima murdered with an axe like it weren't no thing.

Thank you. Bonus episodes, you guys. Wes Bell. Thank you, Phallic Baldwin. Nice. Good ones today. Good ones today. Really solid. Thank you, Phallic Baldwin. Good ones today. Good ones today. Really solid.

Thank you. Thank you, Valoran, the generally unpleasant and borderline obnoxiously helpful Archmage. Sounds like an interesting campaign you've got going on there. Thank you, An Unfortunate Incident with Lorena Hobbit. Thank you, Richard Tracer Milhouse Nixon. Thank you, Chris Bakos. Thank you Richard Tracer Milhouse Nixon. Thank you Chris Bakos. Thank you X Cuz All The Blood. Thank you Dog Poker, the podcast based

off that painting where Robin, Licky, and Mavis play D&D. Thank you Nakama Toys Chicago. Unlimited toys. Thank you James Hadaway. Thank you Father Brito Sarkoochie. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you Jones Face Jones. Thank you. you father burrito sarkoochie thank you you're welcome thank you jones face jones thank you

so dumb thank you pratt dudley thank you patrick lynn thank you snagging this is southerly tentacle thank you rutherford the brave seeker of the helping friendly book thank you eric wortley thank you jim k Kuback in donkey land. Thank you. Steve Moore. Thank you. Captain slappies. Rent a wreck.

Discount escort services located down in the dildo district. Of course. Uh, packed. Thank you. I'm hung like a bowl. A gerbil. Thank you.

Miss construes these discount sperm bank and low fat yogurt. Emporium. Uh, God, this one's going to make me barf. Thank you. discount sperm bank and low fat yogurt emporium uh god this one's gonna make me barf thank you gazardo's veiny cerulean feet fetish thank you luke the husbandron's jib javis prime

and finally thank you ruroni there would have been far fewer dwarf guts in the walls of sarah had been there to remember they were there. I don't know what episode that's every episode, is it? Oh, well, dwarf guts in the walls sounds like something that I might have done, but don't remember doing. But more importantly, Blaine, who were those patron supporters brought to us by?

Patreon supporters brought to us by. Patreon supporters brought to us by... Betty Crocker Oyster Moist. For the moistest oysters. Keep your oysters moist. And stay moist. With Betty Crocker Oyster Moist. Ask any boist. They're choiced by moms.

Here's a box you love to hoist. Betty Crocker's Oyster Moist. Oyster Moist for the moistest oysters. Dan? That voice is the most upsetting thing you've ever heard. It's horrible. Fuck.

Glad you didn't do that at my table. Glad you're fucking 20 miles away. Oh, no. Yeah, it's pretty hard on my end, too. I mean, my eyes water. That was just weird. Waste. Too much moist.

You know, like, I thought I was immune to how that word could sound gross, but then Blaine did that voice thing. Did you say gross and boist? Did you say boist? Ask any boist. Oh my God. And hoist. Yeah, hoist.

Ah. I think that is the key to oysters oyster moisture stop it what oyster moisture really terrible it's been a while since a joke hurt

we're going back I know it's we're done happy episodes everybody no it's time to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker.

Our heroes freed a brain in a jar that was sitting in a cabinet in a kitchen. The brain claimed to be of fallen King Eltrin III from way back in the year 423 Fedra, which is, I guess, an elf year or something. Several rulers ago. Also, the group is also joined by an elf named Lucas who was petrified from a similar era. Seems like this part of the castle might have been part of a violent uprising several centuries or in the timeline of this castle eons ago. We now bring you to the weirdness already in progress so yeah

that was the last thing that happened you guys were also kind of trying to sneak around a glowing pink phosphorescent fungus growth that filled most of the main hallway you've gotten pretty good instructions

from Lucas to head northwest in the hallway and you were making your way that that direction lucas had kind of pointed you in that direction but then the the mushrooms were hard for y'all to navigate you could have hovered maybe over them but only bunk uh also known as bunkle chi rankin bowling the hardy halfling from donkey land a name that probably a coincidence that sarah winced hard when i said it but uh the ability he had was to sort of psychically jump through it queep thought about flying but i did warn him that his wingspan might brush up against it on the way so you guys are trying to meet up with bunk on the other side of the

mushrooms. You kind of taking shortcuts through the hall. And if it helps, I think it'll help at least listeners. If not y'all, anyone who is drawing this in their own pencil maps to keep track kind of went West a little bit, depending on which way I'm mirrored in zoom.

You went, you went West to kind of get around the main hallway. And you're kind of headed north now, up through the kitchen. And there's supposed to be one more hallway on the other side of the kitchen. Now you've got a jar with a brain in it. It's actually a glass terrarium. And because the brain is floating, it's not very heavy.

And you've only communicated, I think, via message to the brain. You haven't had any verbal discussions with it. How you guys doing? Terrific. That was one of those recaps where I kind of kept talking because every time I paused I just looked and everyone was sort of slack-jawed

staring off into space because of how weird this shit has been. So we're... Are we still in that hallway? You're in the kitchen. On the kitchen, I'm sorry. Yeah, I was trying to describe... It was such a long recap.

And since we didn't have a map, I'm trying to remember that. Yeah. Um, anti-map you draw. This is, uh, this is not,

not something I have a formal map for at the moment. Um, I'm, I've, I've had a lot of maps ready, but this area is, is not drawn out. Um, unless, unless you draw attention to yourselves, in which case I will happily, uh, but this area is not drawn out. That's cool.

Unless you draw attention to yourselves in which case I will happily draw up a map for you guys to be attacked by giant spiders. I would never do that. What? Let's go out there.

Let's just make sure that we have goggles and scarves and stuff up because I have a feeling that guy's going to be bright pink mushrooms when we get out there. Let's just make sure that we have like goggles and scarves and stuff up. Cause I have a feeling that guy's going to be bright pink mushrooms when we get out there. Okay. Yeah. Lucas said, does Lucas think we're,

we're past it or he thinks we're still in the midst of mushroom town? Oh, I think you're almost past. I mean, maybe even past it, but but but there's unfortunately no no way to get right east of here unless oh you could try smashing through the wall we have to keep going through this these rooms there's this door here to the north that we can all go through yeah we're still like running parallel to the and and what did we decide

about taking the brain with us i forgot we didn't we just we encountered it and that was it i think we were trying to discuss like what could we carry it or leave it seal it back up again he did demand that you take him back to his body and then you kind of asked him to say please right and he said please um and and you know very now we very reluctantly. You don't, you do whatever you want. I mean. No, he said, please. Yeah. So how could you say that?

That is a magic word. Lucas, would you like to carry the king? It would be my honor to carry my lord and king Eldrin III. I wish I could communicate with him directly myself so that I could tell him what an honor it was to be a member of the Crystal Fist. I'm happy to communicate that for you. Please. I message the king and I'm like, one of your loyal subjects, a very kind and brave young man is going to be the one carrying your brain around so i hope that your gratitude will reflect his bravery once you have been reunited with your

corpse yes of course of course please tell him first of all you're welcome for the honor. Secondly, please tell him walk very slowly. It's more important that I live than he worry about getting me anywhere in haste. Let's just keep me alive and take me to my body. Oh, I don't want to think about the body part

too much. It's very upsetting to realize I am not a corporeal being. Let's not even talk about it. Let's just get me there before I go quite mad from this situation. It's hard to think about without feeling like

my very psyche is crumbling at the edges, so let's just keep going, Winifred. He says thank you, is what I say to Lucas oh he need not thank me oh what an honor he's just he's like trying not to cry like he's just like

he's very like one of those episodes of a show where there's two different dinner parties going on in different parts of the house trying to negotiate between them. We're going to head... Oh.

Did we just zoom in on you? What? Nothing. My screen got weird for a second. Can we just go through this north door? You sure can. As you walk up to it, it is a simple door that looks like it heads to some kind of pantry. You're not sure.

Lucas says, oh, I've never been through this door, but I'm sure that's where it goes. I've only been in the kitchen once or twice to take a look at what the evening's meals were. Yeah, we told Lucas to stop opening doors because um ronnie was checking for traps and stuff i think right or i was yeah i think you were because you have like a plus someone i think you had a plus high to something it was either slight again i think you're checking and maybe ronnie's lock picking yes that sounds right okay so you may have alternated lock picking also because that last lock was a real beast. Right. Okay. I will check her traps.

I'll give her guidance. Great. Roll investigation check, please. So that's with my guidance. It's a 17 plus whatever my guidance is. Ooh. You'll be unsurprising. It's a D4. Yeah, I know.

That's going to be nice. It won't pull up. Hold on. I got to get some. Will she get the 18 answer? Analog dice. Or the 20 answer? Analog dice.

Love analog dice. 21. Hey. Hey, hey, hey. I love analog nights. At a 21. Hey. Hey, hey, hey. You scan in, and with as much as your bardic experience can tell you,

it doesn't seem there's any sort of magical trap on the door. You even seem to look at it. It doesn't look like there's any lock on it. However, when you sort of prod it with whatever physical instrument you'd like to say you're using or whatever, it could be your harp or lyre, you sort of prod it with whatever physical instrument you'd like to say you're using or whatever, you know, it'd be your Harper earlier. You kind of just nudge it a little bit.

It seems like it, there's something sticky on the other side of the door, physically sticky. It's not enough to stop you from pushing the door in a centimeter or so, but it does feel like there is a slight bit of gooey resistance as you push the door we got a honey door we got the door covered in honey what else could it be oh bother i uh i i saw a honey door open for i can't stop doing that joke i'm sorry your joke it's not my joke it's the world's joke. Don't bring me into this. You're the first place I heard that joke.

Where did you get it? I probably got it when I was ointing my ointment. No! What? Son of a fuck. Too many times of the well. All that matters is you made me upset. Okay, so are we going to just

try to force it open? I'll give it a shot is it having resistance he said it's sticky on the other side yeah it's a sticky wicket it feels like as you push it there is a little bit of a resistance you're not sure how much i would say winifred was being very careful as she tested it is it webs let's find out is it webs let's find out. Is it webs? Let's find out. I learned from listening during the Sark era of this podcast that it's more fun to let you be surprised by horrifying spiders. Oh. All right.

So, Ronnie. Yeah. So, I would do a straight strength check if you're throwing an elbow into this or shoulder into this like you did recently. I will watch you in my mind's eye because I have hyperphantasia hyperphantasia folks oh

rolling low 8 plus 2 is 10 damn I appreciate the really diplomatic way that you broke that news uh you know you throw a shoulder into it and you know you you kind of pull it a little too much um for it to fly open it does open however it didn't take a ton of effort to pop it open and as you shove it with your elbow the little latch where um the the the door was connected by some sort of like goop just kind of like opens and it's a dark room there's another door just another like 10 feet on the other side of this

room and this looks like it was some kind of pantry there's shelves wooden shelves on either side of it and it's very webby in here it's difficult to see exactly what's going on with uh with just how much is obscuring the view you can see a door through the webbing there does appear to be some sort of bulging objects on the floor right that you could potentially step over but uh it is sort of mired in the the almost slimy thick almost foamy webbing that gathers around it on the floor let's torch it yeah i have produced flame i'm gonna do a little uh do a little haul yeah put a little english on it okay so much as you've done with every uh obstacle so, except maybe the mushrooms, you're going to set it on fire. Especially when it's spiders.

All right. Produce flame. Flickering flame appears in your hand. Sheds light. Is this... It doesn't do damage. You're just going to... Or it does some damage. Yeah, I're just going to... It does some damage.

Yeah, I'm just going to kind of get this stuff started. All right, so... I'll join in with him. Once I see him doing it, after he does it, I can... What level are you casting it at, Blaine? Oh, it's a cantrip.

True. But if you were to cast a really high level which maybe you can't yet i think maybe you have to be able to cast it fifth level before it does more damage so that would be a d8 i think okay i have one right here you're eighth level you are eighth level i don't know um a druid what level they have to be to cast fifth level spells though. Oh, I remember like season one of this show. I was like,

you're level three. You could cast level three spells and listeners. Let me know. That is not how it works. And I've since read what's called a dungeons and dragons book. I think cantrips don't have levels, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Cantrips are just, yeah, cantrips don't have levels, but can't you increase the level you're casting it at anyway i know you can't like um i don't think so some some spells damage increase when you reach a certain level oh right right right but blaine's gonna have to check that spell got it that's it'll probably say on dnd beyond but the the gist of it i think is that it does start as a cantrip in that you can cast it

whenever but if you use spell slots you can cast it at a higher level. Yeah yeah they do the damage levels up I'm just looking right now. Yeah just spells damage increases by 1d8 when you reach 5th level, 11th and 17th so it's pretty much just a

ranged spell attack. Yeah. Just automatic. So 2d8. Thank you for helping me clarify that, everyone. I think it was 3 and then 6.

6 total. But stuff is on fire, right? It immediately is. All of the webbing starts to go up in flames uh you would notice fryer jolly um as you're preparing to do your own torching a lot of the webbing is like boiling down into this like wet more even more wet foam on the walls where it's thicker. A lot of the impasse of the webbing is gone, so you could walk

straight through the room, but the strange pod-like bulges on the ground are not burning away. The surfaces of them are foaming a little bit, though. Would you like to continue? Does it mean, when you say it's foaming you mean it's starting to react to the fire or

it seems impervious to the fire it's starting to react to the fire could be varying levels of destruction you're not sure yet alright well I will cast burning hands which is a I will cast Burning Hands,

which is a 15-foot cone of flame shoots forth. So I'm going to try and just burn those pods. They each have to make a dexterity saving throw of DC 16. Okay. So they're going to automatically fail because they are stationary. They're not. It's got some moves. They're not.

They're not moving. So they each take 11 points of, I guess that's fire damage. Mm-hmm. Let's see. So, can I get a quick dexterity saving throw from everybody? Yes. It's now Vine's turn.

Hey. 11. 12. 17. 23. 17. Okay. 11 12 17 17 okay Brian holy shit

25 Ronnie somehow jumps backwards through another dimension and lands outside the castle but all of you just spring back a little bit and a couple of you just barely you needed a ten

so you all made it but as Friar Jolly casts burning hands the pods kind of crack open and hiss these very faint wisps of it seems

like smoke come out and you hear this really quiet like noise almost moaning as they blow upwards into the ceiling and disappear through the ceiling that was creepy through the ceiling. Ah. That's weird.

That was creepy. So, those are gone. And the pods are still... Did they look... What do the remains of the pods look like? Can we see? Yeah, they're now like sort of

Xenomorph egg-like burned down to the bottom little pools of creme brulee spidery webbing foam on the tops of them and you said that like they went through the ceiling we can see the ceiling is there are there things up there just just like webbing there's they were like specters they went through the ceiling ghost spider yeah i'm just trying to think of like the what what's might be still up in the lurking in the ceiling uh do it's all on fire right do an insight check dr uh 17 plus 4 21 nice you. You scan the room. Everything looks pretty burned and crispy.

You think this might get stuck to your shoes a little bit and that these things passed through into whatever is in the floor above but are not an immediate threat as far as you can tell. Although, yeah. We should get through really quick.

If they are like some sort of phase spider, they could come through the ceiling at us and maybe we should get the monster back really quick yeah if they are like some sort of phase spider they could come through the ceiling at us and maybe we should figure out how to get through here really quick let's just move yeah yeah run all right you hustle the other side of the room there's another door are you popping it right open yeah oh okay ronnie grabs the way wait wait no check your trap oh oh no you did it you said yeah i asked no i didn't say nothing let's just yeah ronnie said but it's fine ronnie uh very very aware that there may be ghosts in the ceiling walks through the room pops the door right open and it doesn't it's not locked uh no trap seems to spring you are now in a hallway that extends to the left and to the right you don't

see any doors in the hallway this is another narrow hallway there are more of those green torches on other side the hallway goes pretty far to the west and it looks like there might be some kind of archway with no door and just an outside expanse you think you can sort of smell this weird acrid smell blowing down the hallway from that direction and it appears very dark on the other side of that archway and lucas says oh no uh yes uh we want to go to the king's keep um that's not that that's not the fastest way i don't think that that goes towards a residential area outside and i don't think we want this looks wrong something's wrong where are we in relation to like where we think bunk is

you think if you look to your right there's a doorway and bunk might be right there oh okay sorry i didn't realize there was a doorway sorry i thought you said there were no doorways i'm confused and not listening closely no there that's on me i i apologize if i didn't make this clear there's far far to the left there's an archway at the end of the hallway to the right about 10 feet there's a doorway that you're hoping goes right to bunk but between the door you're coming out of the door you're right and the archway left there's no other doors in this hallway okay so we should check the one that we think leads to bunk right yeah okay so i think, so I'm going to check that one.

I'm hearing that you'd like something akin to an investigation check. Yes, I'm going to check it for traps. I'm telling you, the guy's going to be turned into a mushroom guy. That's a natural 20 plus 4. It seems pretty untrapped. Okay, so we try to open it? As you pop it open, you see Bunk.

He seems unharmed. You can see the glowing mushrooms are about 50 feet to the right, and there is more wall haul to the left. Greetings! I'm glad you finally made it. I was worried.

You don't have gills, do you? Gills? You haven't been body snatched, have you? I'll explain later. Alright. Not sure what that's a reference to.

Just got past some mushrooms back there I think you saw me do it okay anyway good to see you all uh shall we continue to the northwest yeah sure yes please ahead of you

there is what looks like brighter less green light in the distance how should you like to proceed brighter less green you mean like regular light yeah like kind of like a broad visual spectrum whitish light

not glaring not like white like the end of your life or terrifying just sort of but like outside maybe less hued less hued i don't know about outside i would back up you thought you could kind of see the outside and it was dark and windy and terrifying so uh this this seems like it's probably a better lit indoors a less ominously lit indoors at least is that a good thing tv in thing yeah exactly this is just Rodney Dangerfield

sitting in front of the television I'm gonna roll to give him respect why botched oh man doesn't get any respect sucks yeah he doesn't get it like he keeps asking for it though I had to

follow him at the laugh factory once and he was wearing a robe he came in came at nine o'clock wearing a robe went up crushed didn't give a fuck did not give any fucks I also saw him wearing the same robe with his

balls out at a diner in Beverly Hills he was wearing pajamas and I could see, hey, is he sitting in gum? Oh, nope. That's Rodney's old balls. Oh, no. He's our Johnny Cash.

Some Marty Allen's balls. How much did you pay for that? With your parents in Vegas? Actually, with, I think, Rob Cohen in Vegas. We saw Martin and Rossi. Or whatever they go by.

Allen and Rossi. Martini and Rossi. What the hell? He was dressed as a cheerleader and his balls were hanging out. Oh, sorry, sorry sorry I was at a party For the LA Weekly Years ago and Avery Schreiber was there

Oh shit And I kind of I had seen it before but I Bumped into him I turn around I go And I see it's Avery Schreiber and I look at him I go Hello there And he goes Hello there Nice and then I'm driving home and I'm like sees avery schreiber and i look at him i go hello there and he goes he goes hello there nice and then uh i'm driving home and i'm like oh hello there was marty allen

it's the wrong guy it was the wrong guy with goofy uh curly hair but i was like yeah and then six months later he was dead i was like I can never apologize I never forgot that moment though it really sucks he knew exactly who you meant just the way he the way he smiled he goes hello there oh nice he said the line just like you want did it sound

wrong somehow oh my god I was mortified when I went home like my feet got sweaty were they moist? Very moist. So moist. Alright. Well, you see ahead of you, this hall

is, it seems almost like it's standard fire lighting it. Oh, I'm sorry. Are we done talking about balls? No, tell us your story. I love it. The first time I ever saw balls in the wild was at the Minnesota State Fair

when I was a child and there was a large man wearing two short umbros and I was like, what's going on there? Oh. And that was, that's my ball story.

That's amazing. Are you European? This conversation would never pass the Bechdel testes. Oh, no. Wow. Where have we fallen?

Fucking boo. Where have we fallen? And yay. Hey, Sam, can you clip that out and just send it straight to the Museum of Radio and Television? False. I'll take it over there. I'm going to Hollywood later. I'll just take it myself. False. I'm going to Hollywood later. I'm just kicking myself.

Alright. Northwest door. No door yet. Just a hallway. We're moving. We're heading forward. Nobody's wearing umbrellas and everything's fine. I'm using

all my breath. As you start going, the hallway opens up a bit. Lucas informs you that this is where the guards would go up to a watchtower and also gather in order to have meetings and change the guard at different times of day and night. And you can see there are these large... They're almost like cauldrons that are built into the ground and there is flame coming out of them. There's about 10 of them.

And you see the head, there is a portcullis, a large steel graded thing built into the wall that would have to be pulled up somehow for you to continue. There is also a head to the right, some stairs that appear to lead up into a tower. Lucas is confused. He says that there was not a portcullis here when he was in the Royal Guard.

And he seems generally pretty nervous. I think he's seen enough of the castle you would understand at this point that he's aware thousands of years have passed. Some modifications have been made, and he is not quite the expert that he had hoped he would be. He's been helpful so far. And I tell him so.

Oh, thank you. Bit out of my element. I'm afraid. I'm not sure where we are anymore. I'm going to, I'm going to just recite to him to give him a bardic inspiration. I'm going to be like,

we did it friend we made it through that oh that's uh and we will walk on in light and truth and then i'm like and then he has a bardic inspiration point to use because he's fading guys he's freaking out oh oh thank you uh so now he gets to add a he gets to add a 1d8 an inspiration die he's anything coming forward he's he seems very uh peppy but he's he still seems like he's just a a young soldier who doesn't really know how deep he's just gotten into the shit he has notes on my performance well you know what that's fine that's fine that's fine uh yeah so as you get closer you don't immediately see a way to raise the portcullis it is now a couple hundred feet away. You're approaching the flames.

Quietly, gently crackling. Is there a lever anywhere? Is there a wheel to turn? Any chains? Anything? Let's get from everyone an investigation check, eh? All right, then. Down, baby.

You're down, baby. 17 plus three, 20. Who can beat plus 3 20 who can beat a 20 who can beat a 20 not me me and Fragile Jolly both rolled the same thing oh lord I got a 3 2 3's and a 4

what'd you get Brian investigation yes 19 What'd you get Brian? Investigation. Yes. 19. Oh, Ronnie, you're searching around very thoroughly while everyone else is kind of,

I think I would just say a little overwhelmed by the fact that there is a large iron or colors blocking off the path in front of you for visual reference. I will go ahead, despite the fact that we are not in combat, toss you guys a map just so you can kind of not feel as lost as you have the last couple of episodes. And I was trying to describe things entirely in the mind's eye. trying to describe things entirely in the mind's eye so if you all want to head over to roll 20 i've got a little map available for everyone that you can kind of use to get your bearings a little bit it's loading right now this is of course something i will try to put on social media it's completely revealed there's no fog of war for this particular map because it is all in visual range at the moment oh cool we're at the Portcullis? You're at the bottom, yeah.

I've got all your tokens there at the southerly end of this. So yeah, feel free to scoot your tokens about. Tell me what you'd like to do. You can, of course, ascend the stairs to what you know to be the tower off to the right. And there is this big portcullis and no obvious levers ahead.

I guess the tower could give us a right? Yeah. Unless, can somebody get somehow past the portcullis? Maybe the lever or whatever is on the other side. Can anyone like shrink

or turn into a ghost? I lack the means. Unseen servant, mage hand? Mage hand, but we'd have to see if we can fly over it. Well, maybe if you peek through the portcullis. I'll go off that with you.

Blaine, I lost you in the cross talk did you say you have gaseous form or are you thinking of blackie green i do not i'm thinking of blackie green okay i have solid form listeners blaine still please blackie green in our bonus episode uncast solid form okay um reverse cast i think Friar Jolly will carefully approach the portcullis and actually try and get sort of right up to it and see if he can

see on the other side if there's a wheel or a lever perception check please I'm going to give myself guidance so I rolled 23 I don't even need the guidance 23 great

you see what looks like a very similar hallway to this one there's more of these iron pots with flames in them and what appears to have once been a lever, there is a stone half circle coming out of the ground where it looks like there's a groove where there used to be some sort of lever

and it has since been broken off and is completely missing. Looks like it's up only. Gotta go up these stairs. Would knock work on a port cullis no lifting the gate well here let me double check the rules on that um you can you can check if everyone wants to do a specific investigation check of the port cullis i will allow it however there's been a lot of scooting and and and checking already so i'm gonna put the dc for you to find something new pretty high i'm gonna do another you'll either get an 18 answer or a 20 answer situation so feel free everyone roll investigation check to just specifically check the portcullis if there's something else you'd like to do great but i think that was what we're calling for right now

difficultly check the port calls. If there's something else you'd like to do, great, but I think that was what we're calling for right now. While I look this spell up, also. I just want to test it and see how heavy it is. If I can move it at all. Sure. Roll to gauge weight specifically in your case,

I should think. I just rolled strength check to test it. Does it budge at all? 21. Anyone beat a 21? Strength check? I got a 17 for investigation. Were you doing a strength or investigation?

I was doing a strength just to test if I could lift it at all. The mighty queep grabs the poor Cullis. I am mighty. I'm strong. With his feathery gauntlets. I like him.

And you plant both your chicken legs hard in the ground, although I think you've got those nice spiky boots. You do you try to pull it up. It does kind of you feel it like

almost budge as you do so but it is a massive iron gate and it feels almost more like you were rattling the iron bar portion that you were grabbing as opposed to the entire thing does anyone have levitate

don't you have wings I have wings but I can barely lift it so I don't imagine flying up is going to help much It didn't branch So We got a 17 investigation from Fire Jolly Was that right?

Yes The rest of you rolling investigations Do you got numbers for me? Nothing of import investigation yes yeah at a 17 14 a couple of 17s is hey dan is is there any sign of any sort of activity recent activity or life or i will let the rolls answer i will let the rolls answer once brian has completed his 11 there sir sir. All right. Thank you, sir.

Uh, 17 from Dr. UD and fire jelly. Yeah. You're kind of looking around and it seems this area has recently been used. There's not a lot of dust on the floor. In fact,

you know, the, the hall here seems like it's been traveled mostly between the port colors and the stairs heading up the tower it seems kind of like the direction you came from is a less uh traveled portion of the wall so you're getting a vibe that you've come from the unsuspecting direction that people rarely used however it seems the portcullis goes up and down once in a while it's very old iron it appears to have been very well made but it's very old you can tell there's just not a ton of dust and it seems

um the dust starts past the i'll ping it on the map but like kind of where um right here it seems well trod like maybe people met here people walked around here hung out here and then would go up these stairs that lead up towards the tower but south of that kind of where brian's token is it starts to get a little dusty unless well traveled um and what's on the other side of the portcullis can we see through it yeah you know fryer jolly fryer jolly already pressed his head through and another rolled a perception check for that so i'll i'll uh re-explain that in a second but first i would like okay i would kind of like to satisfy the investigation check a little bit more since you're looking specifically at the portcullis it seems there is some sort of device

way up in there that used to pull it up and down. However, the fact that the sort of lever on the other side appears to have been broken off, snapped up. You don't see any sign of it. It doesn't look like there's a stub there. You think there might be some new way of opening it and it would just passive insight occur to you. It could be magical or it could be a device they carry with them or it could be some sort of other panel you

can't see on the other side the other side looks very much like this plane more of these iron pots except there's no stairs up to a tower on the other side the iron pots and the good lighting continues far far down and you think you could maybe see more doors however right now the port seems to be a pretty big obstacle. Alright. Physically big. Screw this door. Maybe going up in the tower

we're going to be like, this is dumb. Let's just go upstairs and see. Ready an attack as we get up the stairs. Alright. What are you prioritizing? Speed?

Stealth? Caution? Flare? I think quiet, right? Yeah. I like stealth. Especially if this seems traveled, it seems pretty likely that there's guards right up there.

Let's get stealth checks from everybody, please. Ten. Ten. Whoops. Eleven. Not as whoops. Some berries. Fifteen. Oh, the Captain Crunch answer, always.

Oh, four. Fuck! Sixteen. Oh, the Captain Crunch answer, always. Oh, four. Fuck! Sixteen. Oh, berries. All right. You all head up. Bunk rolled an 18, and Lucas rolled a 15. And, Ronnie, you're kind of taking the lead. And at one point, you just put your foot down a little bit loudly as you're getting a good pace up these stairs.

The stairs going sort of not quite a circle. They go kind of up. There's a lot of stuff mounted on the wall you guys start going up one level and there's sconces but also it looks like armament racks where there are uh kind of these hall birds all lined up on them some pole arms that look like they're for the undead elves and a couple of long bows on another rack and after ronnie puts his foot up a little little hastily and there's like a clop noise you feel like you hear a hissing sound and then it's like all the air gets sucked out of the tower in this odd way where it gets really really really silent you don't see anything, but it's like weird.

I would say you would all instinctively just pause for a second. Maybe it's one of those machines that like pulls all the dust out of the air. Yeah, it could be like an ionizer. Like an infuser.

Are we near a sharper image? No, you get the scent of lavender and tea tree, though, so you think. Oh, it's a keels. We're at a keels. Did it feel like somebody was doing like a teleportation something, or is that what it felt like, or was it more like. You know. Zapped out of the. I would say it definitely feels like some sort of magic occurred and it was either

environmentally built into the tower or there is somebody ahead who cast a spell. Okay. Got my attack held. Just keep holding it. Do we have a map of this part of the tower? Not at the moment. i would say though you're

in a very tight hallway it is about it's a little wider than the narrow hallways in the wall that you've been in actually it's 10 feet wide but you're going sort of 20 feet ahead turning 20 feet ahead, turning, 20 feet ahead, turning, and a series of left turns up the tower. And this feels like if it's a person, it's somebody pretty close to have heard a footfall.

Does, if someone who, probably Ronnie, does someone want to scout ahead alone and see what they can see? Sure. Report back. Alright, Ronnie, let's get a stealth check from just you, sir. I'll put guidance. I'll touch his shoulder.

Please. Job leader. Cool, I got a 15 that time. Cool, roll that D4 to go with it, if you haven't already. I will. Well, alright. There it is.

Well, it's harder, Blaine, on this program. Sometimes I can't find... There we go. Four. I've got a four out of four. Nice. Great. Nineteen. Na-na-na-na. Nineteen. You quietly ascend

the tower a little farther, Ronnie, and notice suspended as if drawn in the air. There is a two dimensional image of a glowing skull that seems to have been drawn like with magic in the air, suspended about six feet off the ground. Hmm. Is it? six feet off the ground. Hmm. Is it?

Skull. Floating skull, you say. Two-dimensional image as if drawn in the area. Hmm. Total magic trap. Um, I could try and dispel it. Wait wait we haven't seen it

right oh you can join him Ronnie I could say Ronnie if you like you tiptoed back down and told everybody yes Brian sure cool sure cool

Lita do you want me to try and dispel it do you think that's the call I'm sorry say it I can try and dispel you saw a two dimensional skull shape floating in the air when you scattered ahead oh right okay

well I come back and I tell them. Okay. Great. I could try to spell it. Was I scared by it? No, I mean... Ronnie, you're brave. You were definitely...

But did I get the sense that it was evil? I mean, is this more weird than anything? It's more weird than anything it's it's more weird than anything it definitely seems like a magic trap oh great question roll an insight check brian sorry i got a text right when when this shit was going down and i got distracted for half a second we'll take a five minute break in just a second we're almost ready no no i don't need a break uh let's see uh 12 you aren't sure if it saw you but you did notice that it seemed to have kind of like dots glowing little specks in the center of its eye sockets

hmm that's weird little specks in the center of its eye sockets. That's weird. We'll have to find out how weird on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Are you kidding me? Yes, I am kidding you. We have 30 more minutes. Sam, what do you think happened today? Hello, boys and girls. All right, this episode, we're still carrying

a brain around in a jar, which is very cool. We're deciding where to go, and Sarah is correct. We did zoom in very close on Dan's face and zoom out of the blue. One of the rooms is full of webs, so we're going to set the place that we're very closed in on on fire. There's some gross pods, and we managed to move back from the fire we set right next to ourselves. We're closer to the glowing mushrooms, and we met back up with Bunk. We reminisced about whose balls we've seen and we're all saying portcullis a lot uh we're prepping to possibly attack some guards and finally we found a magic floating drawing of a skull i wonder if we can light it on fire dan you got anything you want to plug my friend sure i would

like to plug my new zoom plug-in where apparently I randomly zoom in and everyone has to look at my pores out of nowhere. Also, I will be in Chicago October 21st, 22nd. Please come to the Chicago shows Midwest. Drive eight hours if you have to. I'll be doing some shows at the Lincoln Lodge. It'll be very fun. It's posted on my social media or thelincolnlodge.com. I miss Chicago, man.

I've only been back once since COVID, and that's one of those places I went to, you know, sometimes two or three times a year. And it's one of my favorite cities, man. I'm jealous that you even get to go there, especially in the fall. Yeah, it'll be nice. Well, I was supposed to open for you

when you special-taped in Chicago, so I'm catching up to you. Well, my special's coming out finally on December 8th that I shot there. It's going to be first on this new platform. God, it's the fucking dumbest thing. Let me look it up. The T-Mobile app.

You'll be on the T-Mobile app. No, it's this new thing. Hot young comics are using it, and I have no business being an old man using this new young kids platform but tick tock it's called tick tock keep going till i find it keep bringing up it's called instagram reels quibi plus you're on quibi plus it's called It's called Moment. It was called Moment House, but it's moment.com. It'll be there December 8th, and I'm

going to do a meet and greet, hang out, Zoom with people afterwards if you get that pass. It's like a VIP thing, but everybody else can watch it. I think for pretty cheap, I'll have more details on that when i

when i do um on what the actual price is and i'll keep plugging it till the actual date of course i'm really proud of it you know it feels weird being a comic that's done it for so long and comedy's changed and there's so much out there and you know i don't know how to say hey please watch it but you know if you like me before my stand-up well you're here listening to my show with me and my friends so i mean it's for you tell somebody else that doesn't like me to watch it tell them to watch it or tell your grandma that loves big bang theory to really not watch it to stay away from it. Avoid it at all costs.

But then my comic book stuff is coming through. I'll have a, I have a Halloween book coming out with scott koblish and um uh jerry duggan and we're calling that halloween party we'll have jerry back soon and koblish has played with us hasn't he have we had him no you've talked about having him many times he's such a delightful dude and like the art he's artists fucking kill me, man. I don't, I feel like I'm a waste of space compared to an artist. They're, they're, uh, their talent is, I I'm completely, they're like wizards to me. Like I write dumb shit.

And then these artists send me this thing back and it's fucking beautiful. The shit I'm getting on with Rick Remender's book, we're doing a book called Grommets right now. And it's about skateboarding in the 80s and friendship in California. And there's like old school Taco Bells in it. And it's because that's like what my life was. You would skateboard to an old school Taco Bell and eat for $2 and then go skate somewhere. But that's made it in the book.

And it's beautiful. The guy captured it. I felt like I was in an old Taco Bell and even got the old font and everything. It's like these pages are looking fucking incredible. I can't wait for people to read it. Blaine, what's happening next week? We attribute the success to save mankind from the dead.

Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. On the next Nerd Poker, guests include Lola Falana, comedian Pat Paulson, and the music of the Starland vocal... Oh, I'm sorry.

That's on the next Merv Poker. On the next Nerd Poker, our guests include Falala Nola, comedian Paul Patson, and unfortunately, the Starland Vocal Band on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, nine one four one six. Thanks for listening.