Nerd Poker - S5E14 Up The Turret

Episode Date: October 25, 2022

Our heroes have hit a bit of an impasse, a giant iron portcullis before them. There's this totally chill, probably not trapped or haunted turret sitting right there, so why not walk up there? What's the worst that could happen? For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Blake Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everyone. I'm Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Nerd Poker. It's episode 14.

We're recording in the morning. We just recorded 13, but you don't need to know that. But I'm feeling good. I got some coffee in me. I had waffles. Yeah, pretty good. My friends are here. Look at them.

Ken, what's up, buddy? Well, I'm feeling good, dude. Oh, God. Please don't. Blaine's here. Feeling seven up. I'm feeling seven up. Feeling seven up.

I'm feeling seven up. Oh, no. We're going to. Oh, seven up. 40 years ago. Oh, no. No, I'm not feeling seven up, I'm feeling seven up. Feeling seven up, I'm feeling seven up. Oh, no, we're going to, oh, seven up, 40 years ago. Oh, no, no, I'm not feeling seven up. I'm not feeling seven up. Chris is here. Hey, buddy. To all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions,

on the sesame seed bun. What the fuck is happening, Dan? Brian, it's good to see you. Happy Halloween almost next week is when this comes out can't wait man going to Halloween town tomorrow to pick up the costumes and whatever I'm going to Halloween

City that costume store and I'm just gonna lay down and pretend that's where I live where is Halloween City I don't know that one what is it called what's spirit Halloween Halloween spirit take don't know that one. What is it called? What's Spirit? Halloween. Halloween Spirit. Take me to Halloween City where the grass is green and the grass is all pretty.

The really cool one in the Valley is Halloween Town and it's owned by Yes. Toth, Dwayne Toth's That's Burbank on Magnolia, right? Yeah, yeah. They got like a second one,

a second building just for costumes. Yeah. And then one for little kid costumes. It's a great place. Yeah. yeah. They got like a second one, a second building just for costumes. Yeah, and then one for little kid costumes. It's a great place. Yeah, awesome. I went last week, Brian. Oh, cool. I was preparing to sing Feeling Groovy,

but then the feeling song part Yeah, we broke that whole riff. So, you know, just know that I had it Sing This Is Halloween Seeing this is Halloween. This is Halloween. Nice. Hey, buddy. Hello, sweet children.

Ramen. Ramen. Over here, buddy. Ramen. Ramen. Where's the speaker coming from? Is the speaker in front of him? That was his first words on that poker.

He still has no... I think I've showed you this before, but whenever he wakes up and he's still floppy, I do this thing he hates where I just go, pans, labyrinth. He hates it. He hates it so much. Has he seen it? He'd probably get it if he saw it.

Oh, fuck. He'd be too scared. It is impossible for a dog to look cuter than when they put their hands up over their eyes or their ears. That's like it. That's like they're done. They don't have to do anything else ever

again. It's like the height of fucking cuteness. Speaking of cute, Dan's here, everybody. Let's get into it. Let's thank everybody. First of all, thank you for recognizing how attractive I am, Brian. Second, I'm going to thank some Patreon supporters.

When you put your paws up like that, it's impossible to deny. Thank you to everyone who's listening. You're lovely, but a special thanks is coming right your way. Listeners, if you're at the Hey Boss or Stargoyle tiers, you go by names like Brian's Unrivaled Hatred of Flip Flops. Thank you. I do a whole fucking rant on flip flops in my act right now. And a callback. I remember that.

You talk about how you would stomp people in the audience in the front row, right? Yeah, except for Jason Momoa. Right. He can pull it off because he's handsome. Because I saw him wearing flip-flops. Thank you, Drewzel. Thank you, Sir Swedish Sirloin

Meatballs. Thank you, WV French Fried, which I think stands for West virginia thank you this name is brought to you by ass hat the hat for your ass from the makers of dick shoes dan everyone doing their blaine impression in these names thank you michael bennett thank you sam winston's discount dog puppet emporium now in the dildo district thank you the prancing bard thank you post Thank you, The Prancing Bard. Thank you, Post Encounter Dungeon Cleanup Enterprises. You slay, we scrub. Thank you, David Flea Roth.

Thank you, The Surgeon Left a Sponge in Me. Thank you, Jockey Chan. Thank you, Bart Hosier. Hosier? Hosier? Thank you, Death Atlas with numbers for vowels. Thank you, Benjamin Vaughn. Thank you, Heck487.

Thanks, Charles Coetia. Wait, that Heck487. Thanks, Charles Kojica. Wait, that's not it. Let me try that again. Thank you, Sir Robin Masters' butt meat, the iron kettle. I don't know what that could possibly be. Thank you, Russian Gajewicz. Thank you, two in the thoughts, one in the prayers. Thank you, Old Bag of Holding.

Thank you, Sir Arthur, the bearded bringer of the pixel thanks micah purdue thank you dargther digby sellers thanks real name mcjones thank you who had two thumbs up them and loves this podcast this guy's ass closet what thank you matt wines thank you the gaunt haunts sauntering fla, Flaunting, and Taunting Leaves My Vaunted Jaunty Aunt Undaunted. Thank you, Michael Downing. Thank you, Billy and Terry's Bogus Journey. Thank you, Digby Dog's Hot Diggity Dog, Dog Dicky Depot in the Dildo District Adjacent. Thank you, Salmon Ramen's Salmon Ramen and Topless Gym.

Thank you, Happy Fifth Anniversary, Moala from Snake. Thanks, Totus Emptor. Thank you, Kilt Bill. thank you happy fifth anniversary moala from snake thanks totus emptor thank you kilt bill thank you ramen presents the first annual zoomies thanks the electric bear thank you manny bothans thank you brandon blackburn aka my my my dick bitten twice shy thank you prop meat and thank you finally oh no i got my fish addicted to heroin. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters for NerdPoker brought to us by Monster Energy Antidepressant. Cheer up, you fucking pussy! With Monster Energy Antidepressant.

LaCroix Beef, still technically vegan. LaCroix Beef. And Sane Glue. Stick to the facts. With Sane Glue. Dan? Thank you, Blaine. I always like the last couple

where I alt-tab back over to Zoom and then I look at Chris's reaction to whatever the last username is. It's my favorite part of the episode. It's now time to talk about what happened on the last episode. Our heroes are going up a tower. I don't feel like

doing the voice anymore. I'm tired. So there is a... What? Acceptable. Listen, my normal sonorous voice is such a gift that I'd like you to appreciate it more than you already do. So you were heading up a tower.

You hit kind of a dead end with a portcullis. You're heading up a tower, trying to be sneaky sneaky there was a little tiny bit of a footfall and in the process you felt like the air got sucked out of the tower stairwell that you are curving up ronnie you scouted ahead and you saw what appeared to be a white two-dimensional drawing of a skull as if drawn in the air with magic that was floating about six feet off the ground on the stairwell and uh it had you know little glowing dots in the eye sockets of the skull you're not sure if it quote unquote saw you but you then headed back down the stairwell and let your friends know there is a a skull that is up there and yeah it feels like the air got magically sucked out of the tower feels weird hmm okay i tell them that

but i already told them about the the floating thing yes now is when you do something else yeah we're okay for it oh okay cool oh hells yeah now it's time to react to the horror you guys want to press it forward and encounter this thing yeah let's do that that's a good idea yeah we're seeing if we could dispel it

or see what's going on okay yeah I have the spell magic I could try that if you want so you just all kind of as a group walk right up to this skull floating in the air walk right up to it sounds like you're very

120 feet yeah get you know not super close but stealthily approach it peek around the corner like three stooges style. I mean, let's get a stealth check from everyone.

Okay. As we attempt to, as the Three Stooges would, peek around the corner, your heads stacked on top of each other vertically somehow, despite the great number of you right now. I got a 17. I got a 17, but without the teen now. I got a 17. All right. I got a 17,

but without the teen part, I got a six. Yeah. I think we tripped over each other's pots. Yeah. I mean, regardless at this point, someone got a six.

So if you all head up as a group and someone, when a Fred, yeah, you, you bump into someone and you think it's their fault uh you bump into someone and your leer kind of makes excuse me um and yeah behold right around the corner you're kind of avoiding direct eyeline with it you know the skull is just around the corner okay the fire is gonna dispel can i cast dispel magic on it please sure what level are you casting to spell magic please uh it is a third level spell

so any spell of third or lower uh ends and then fourth or higher i have to make a spell casting ability check and let's get that spell casting yeah what's the dc the dc is 10 plus whatever the actual spells level is gotcha i have to make the check or you make the check i have to roll a spell check i don't know why it's not happening i'll just roll a d20 and add my ability is eight so i'm gonna i'm gonna add eight to whatever this roll is a two two, so a ten. Yeah. It just kind of doesn't react to your dispel. Guys, it's impervious.

Winifred steps forward, shakes her hair, and then tries to dispel magic. She's got pretty voluminous hair, so I mean, it's more of a toss, right? Yeah. Dragon Riders of Pert. voluminous hair so i mean it's more of a toss right yeah yeah um okay so dragon riders of pert jesus christ and mcafree just rolled over in a grave

i don't know that killed her yeah that's the problem. She re-dyed. You know what I mean? She re-braids her hair and quietly steps back behind everybody. She rolled worse than the fryer. Yeah, well, you all noticed that she tried. We're out of the frying pan. I'm going to mute myself.

Just go strong and attack that thing? What else is in this room yeah okay so you guys have passed it and not worry about it well i'll try and give you a little bit more of um a sense of yeah like the dimensions of where you're at so it's about a 10 foot wide staircase that you've been going up you've been seeing weapons on weapons racks and i will say along the way there's been tiny gaps in the tower so you've noticed how high you've been getting up and you feel like you're probably getting up near the top it's like the 10th ish floor that you made it up so far and there's little gaps so you think that like probably long bows would sometimes be armed outside of these gaps no soldiers thus far and it looks like the

skull is a little bigger than a normal humanoid skull it's not uh super realistic again it looks like it's been sort of hand drawn magically with like a finger or something floating in the air you could walk around it it's it's a 10 foot and it's what, like, about a foot and a half wide? So you could just kind of you think? Again, it is eerily still, unusually still. Hmm.

Either we walk past it, attack it? Yeah. I think we should just kill that thing. It's like a drawing, right? All right, erase it. I get from, this is just going to be from our magic users, Friar Jolly, Dr. Uid, and Winifred.

Can I get an Arcana check from the three of you? Does this thing move around? It said eerily still. 17. Yes. Also 17. And an 8. Dr. Uid, you don't quite notice this, but Friar Jolly and Winterfred,

you do notice the little specks in the eye socket. As you guys spend a longer time looking at it, they seem like they're kind of tracing back and forth between all of you and it's floating off the ground did you clock

that yeah I did does it have any mass to it or is it it doesn't appear it appears two dimensional as you kind of like cock your head to the side there's no mass behind it cloak over it or something so I can't see anything you could try it's a security camera. Lucas, take off your pants

real quick. And then try to figure out what to do with this thing. Do we have something that we could throw over it? Well, it said it has no anything. If you're all discussing this, I would say Lucas would be like,

I have no need for this cloak if you'd like to use. It's not magic or anything. You just need to hang it on something though. It's seen us now, so I just feel like at this point, let's just give it a thumbs up and then keep walking. They're watching our process. It's seen us. It doesn't

matter. If we cover it now, it doesn't matter. It's going to see us cover it, right? Right. We can give it the finger or the thumbs up or whatever as you walk past and then just... All right, so you all give it a thumbs up. Who's leading the group right now? Who's like the marching

order-wise in the front? Probably Ronnie. Yeah, sure. Winifred's kind of leading the way on this one. Ronnie's the leader. Yeah, Ronnie scouted ahead. We're all up in the room. Brian, shockingly enough, Brian sounds like he was agreeing to be

in the front. Sounds great. Compared to Winifred being forced into it. So Ronnie, I'm going to have you do a Constitution saving throw, please. Oops. Okay.

Oh no. Sorry. Let's get back to that page. There we go. Not just watching us. Nine. Nine. Okay.

So Ronnie, uh, you've got right behind you. Probably. I would guess a creeper fryer, jolly. Um, you both, Kweep and Friar Jolly, I would say probably freeze for a second

as you see Ronnie, you pass through and you don't feel any resistance, but almost immediately you get this sense of just like sickening pit in your stomach and burning on your skin and you jump back. you are going to take

six points of acid damage uh no you just got really hot sunburn from an unseen light all right now we got to cover this up Is there a way to prop a blanket over this? Is there like a coat rack or something? Again, if I may, I've been offering this cloak. I know. I heard that, but there's no way to hang it. That's what I'm trying to understand. Will it hold the cloak? Can we have a mage hand hold it over it?

Lucas is like stammering. He's very flustered. Oh, were you trying to explain something, Dan? Because maybe we just didn't understand. I thought there was no way to like hover it over this thing but you haven't tried i mean it looks like there is no mass like i would say even ronnie as ronnie as you kind of walked past you saw it was like very flat but you haven't tried touching it engaging it or anything like that throw a cloak over it all right so we try to throw the cloak and if not, we'll mage hand it. So as was

offered, you take the cloak and you throw it over and it just sort of hangs over it. Like as if it's floating. There you go. Okay, moving on. Alright, Queep, you're going through? Yep. Great, can you do a constitution

saving throw, please? What? But which? Yeah. Great. Can you do a constitution saving throw, please? What? It's still there. But which? Alright. Alright, you constitution. Oh, well, at least I got a five, so that's good. Oh, okay. You're going to take

eight points of acid damage. Now, does it feel like the Hop back. This is coming from that, does it feel like the... Hop back. This is coming from that... Other singed. Does it feel like it's coming from the skull,

or is this from some... Is this another trap or something else that's happening? Ronnie, Queep, you would feel as if the air itself had some sort of invisible, unfeelable mist that is... It's like a barrier. Okay. Ah, okay.

Magic. Is it a magical? Some sort of magic invisible barrier yeah all right i'm gonna try one more time using a higher level this time i'm gonna wait how does this work who knows my friend it's magic attack it attack it i automate okay right so i am going to cast the spell magic now at at fourth level so it should automatically end if the spell's level is equal to or less than that otherwise then i have to still do the dc check still gonna be a dc check it's all floating in the air will Will they spell it? That's 20. You cast the spell

and the cloak flops to the ground as if nothing is suspending it in the air anymore. But I was casting it at the acid floating in the air. Same spell it seems. Okay. I have done it.

Is it gone? You don't see this at all anymore dispelled lucas gathers his cloak and he's like oh my oh my you've done it have we gone into the room yet i pulled some of winifred's hair out of my mouth she tossed it too uh aggressively all right so now we try you head a little bit more around the corner and you notice it comes to a stop. There is some sort of bend to the left and a doorway. Roll

20 if you like. I will show you what it looks like. Let's see it. Of course, part of the map is obscured but you're all kind of scooting. Sure. New boot scooting? New boot scooting. I don't know what that means, but you're all kind of scooting. Sure. New boot scooting? New boot scooting. I don't know what that means, but it sounds about right.

Head up and look around the corner. Great. Can I get a perception check from Queep, who is a Pekin? I'm a Pekin. From our Pekin Queep. Our Peepin Queep. Or did you say a perception? Yes, sir.

That's a 18. All right. I'll reveal a little bit more of the map. In addition to this site, you think you hear the sound of a chain dragging against the floor. Oh, it's not going to be a monster mash, is it? Ebenezer.

It would be if it was a graveyard smash. Is somebody in here working in the lab? I mean, it's pretty late. What does my dark vision... Well, I would say first Queep reports back to you before, Dr. Ud, you try anything. He reports back to you there are lanterns and torches lit so it's a relatively well-lit room and it does look like some sort of study where people gather

there's a few kegs uh table some chairs another table where it looks like a group of folks might gather and you would have heard somewhere ahead into the left, Queep, the dragging of chains. Heading to the left. Got it. We sneak up there and get the drop. Come on in, guys. It looks nice. Yeah, let's do it. Lovely room. We're all sneaking in. Stealthjack says everybody attempts to

sneak into the tower. 22. Oh, boy. Can't wait for listeners to hear what Blaine's holding up. What's that, Blaine? It's a big red one. An 18. 14s.

Stealth, right? Yep. I think I stepped on some Legos. You sure did. 13. All right, so you all did okay, including the two NPCs that are with you but unfortunately Dr. Uwud

took his boot off and then stepped on some Legos God darn it grab her and have her for a bit you trip over and trip and trip and trip and trip and trip it up and down

whoa trip trip trip and trip and trip it up and down so extended pratfalls from dr wood after he simply bumps a chair leg with his foot but um you hear a voice as you all enter uh maybe maybe i'll scoot some tokens in here a little bit farther to represent uh the fact you rounded the bend, y'all. You hear a voice say, Exit whoever you are. Where's it coming from? Where the chains are coming from? Yeah, boss. It's kind of a confusing phrasing.

Does that mean we should abandon our identities flee from yourselves but also my chamber let's find this thing i'm heading towards the voice okay you see queep as you look around the corner there is a spectral skeleton he seems chained to the room that will reveal what the room looks like he's

can I get hell yeah hell yeah let's do for because hell yeah hell yeah let's do for queep uh because queep is peeping can i get an arcana or history check your choice neither i will go with it doesn't matter

uh arcana that is a 16 not bad actually this seems like a lich from all the lich talk and the lich you briefly met a few months ago this is a lich lich better have my money it's rude

but not the lich that we're looking for liches get stitches oh it's the lich you're looking for the campaign's gonna end in the next couple episodes that'd be cool that'd, it's the lich you're looking for. The campaign's going to end in the next couple episodes. I think we'll be unexpected. No, different lich probably. Is this lichy and scratchy?

It's a wizard who appears to have... A lichy and scratchy show. Talk to him, Queep. Hi. What's going on? What are you doing here? Bird, I told you to leave. You're not going to be rude. Bye.

Oh, that's it. Wait, ask if he's being held prisoner against his will. Are you being held prisoner against your will? Maybe. Can we help you? He's like really weirded out by this whole interaction. He turns a chair around and sits down like a youth pastor. Let's rap about this.

We'd love to help you get out of here. He's genuinely confused. He holds the chains up. It's strategy. It's strategy. It's strategy. Okay. The chains have a pale blue glow to them. And he says, yes, of course.

Destroy these. I step forward. Why are you contained here within these walls? It doesn't matter. Don't worry about it. I'm taking you up on the offer. Matters a little bit to us. Can I get a persuasion check, Winifred?

Do we have a name for this guy yet? No. We'll go set you free. You said persuasion? His name is Please. That's a 23. Wow. All right.

That's good. I have a plus 11. It actually was not a great roll, but. I'm telling you, befriend your enemies. Listen. Keep my befriends closer. It was a different time. Things were difficult.

I was merely interested in keeping my people alive. I did not know what Valix had in store for us. I committed crimes against my people and partook in necromancy. I am chained here and required to generate magical items for the king. What's your name? Larith.

Larith? Do you recognize that? This is my other brother, Laris. I think someone needs a hug. Clottenheim natives. Let's do a history check. Is this related to Helsene's dad? Wait, was it Helsene's dad?

Queep, Dr. Uid, and Winifred. Let's get a history check. I got a 16. Ooh, 20. Is it history? 23. Yes. Yeah.

Natural 20 and 23 damn except for my horrible botch uh yeah this guy sounds familiar um uh brian you're not rolling this is for folks who are from this area you're not from around here locals only bro winifred queep you're pretty sure this is a

once powerful sun elf that was known to live in vendaria uh dr uid you are particularly aware that yes he was rumored to have been killed a couple years ago and he was a good guy bad guy bad guy real bad guy before there were bad guys in vendaria before the the the fall of vindaria and if he's on team bad guy then why is he chained up on team bad guy he's he's learning a lesson i think correct and he's telling you that it's because he partook in necromancy but i would think all of you would be like wait a minute this whole fucking castle's necromancy now

that doesn't make any sense to us can you explain further please sir very well i extended my life beyond the normal lifespan of an elf and as punishment i was chained here and required to generate magical items for king valyx but didn't they all didn't for King Valix. Didn't all the elves do that? Isn't everybody undead now? What? Isn't that the plan? What now? He's been here a long time, I'm guessing. Oh.

When's the last time somebody came by just to check on you or get a magic item or whatever? I have only seen soldiers and an occasional, you know servant for a very long time but weren't they all undead wait what I'm so confused

he's pretty confused too I would say like you guys obviously this guy doesn't know a lot about what's been going on it would seem that he's been like extra deceived as well it seems like he has he has been uh maybe meeting people but that like how do i put this the people he thinks he's been seeing might have looked different he might he might have had a magical spell cast on on him that makes it so he can't

quite tell it should we should we let him know what really happened? Yeah. Is there a way to get this guy on our side? No, to get this guy on our side. Then he'll help us attack the arch-lich, right? He'll be mad that he... My enemy's enemy is my bestie.

That's what they say. So you've been making magic items, you say? And you've got a little stockpile here? Yes. You're the first people to come directly into my study for a long time. Well, we're so happy to bring items to King Valix. Hey, you might want to close all those windows on your computer. Bring items to King Valix?

What do you have? What? Do a deception check, Friar Jolly, if you're trying to convince him that you're bringing things from King Valix. What do you have? What? Do a deception check, Friar Jolly, if you're trying to convince him that you're bringing things from King Valix. Is that the lie? No, I'm just trying to see if he's got any magic items that he's stored up. Oh, like to deliver

that he's already got. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said. Do you have any magic items here? Remind me, is Valix alive? Is Valix still the king right now? Valix is the big bad. He's the arch lich? Yes. Okay, cool. Just double checking.

The arch lich. But he was the king of Vendaria and alive not long ago in your timeline. And he's the one that we, in different forms, although some of these people were there, turn, like, allowed. Okay. Valak's is the guy at the end of season three who uh you accidentally allowed to take the uh the the energy and become a piece of shit right so does he does he

know eldren was he uh from eldren's time pre or post because we have his brain with us. I really don't think we should just tell anybody all this shit. Yeah, that's it. I just think in general we should not tell these guys anything.

Really? What if we put the brain in this lich? Which one of you is carrying the brain in a jar? Was it Lucas? Right, right, right. Lucas. Which one of you is carrying the brain in a jar? Lucas. Was it Lucas? Right, right, right. Lucas. All right, well, you think we shouldn't tell him,

but I feel like I don't see a downside. I can't stop you. I'm saying that out loud. I would never do something that you did not want us to do. Well, it's still right now. What do you want of me? Will you break my chains? Do you have magic items?

You're straight up asking the bad guy if he has loot? When do you get this chance? How often does this come up? What a break. Yes, of course I have. I have valuables that are to be shepherded to King Valak soon. Show us what you got. that are to be shepherded to King Valak soon.

Show us what you got! I don't believe that you are connected to the king, and I would like you to free me, please. If we free you, what will you give us? What do you want? I can enchant items to do quite a few things. Safe passage for one. As a test of your work, I'm going to give him the circlet that I picked up earlier in the campaign and ask him what it is and what it does.

Okay. I'll let you ride your high roll that you got from persuasion earlier and hand it over. You place it in his skeletal hand. He turns it over a couple of times. This is a magical protection. It will protect you from being cursed.

It's not a guarantee, but it will protect you from being cursed some of the time. Oh. Okay. That's nice. That's a glowing blue circlet. Cool. Now, if you would like me to

enchant something, I do have enough materials here to enchant something, but first free me. It looks like freeing you is going to be at the end of the list. That's step nine. Yeah, I feel like everything else happens first.

If we told you that you, that we could, are you... Chatting up the lich. Who would be on your number one kill list? If you had one. Who would be the top person

that you would want dead? FMK who's your hall pass? how much of the kill list do you want? just the first one right now I'm just curious oh it would be King Valix see Friar I just feel like we're on the same pages

yeah alright sure definitely free to Lich. No. I said, let's tell him what's going on and get him on our side. Copy. Yep. Lich is famous for teaming up. All right, let's do it. I believe

in the power of teamwork. I've learned from my work on the stage that when all hands come together, you can make great things. I've learned you know she's very famous where she comes from that when all hands come together you can make great things this is just something as an actor

and a performer you know instinctively and maybe for you it's a little bit harder to understand having not been in that world do you know what I mean? but maybe if you open your heart and your mind a little bit, you might see what is possible.

I'm definitely the problem. I am definitely the problem. Of performance. Is there any way I can check if he's lying? Of course. Do an insight check. Okay. That's a 10. Don't know.

Anybody else want to know is there any way I can tell if he's lying everyone do an insight check I was kidding when I said I was going to ask him well what did you get Blaine oh no 16

that's good somehow know less about what's going on now there's so little going on that you understand right now it's difficult for most of you to tell ronnie uh you get the feeling that this guy is a massive piece of shit and though he is the enemy of your enemy you would have to do something significant to make him trustworthy you don't know that he's been lying but you also don't know that he would been lying, but you also don't know that he would be interested in helping you

very much unless you did something quite convincing for him. Also, how would we free him? Well, how about this? We share a goal, so why don't you let us know how you can help

us to achieve that goal and once the goal is achieved presumably you will be freed so it's in your best interest to help us right now our shared goal right so what can you give us tell us help us because we also want the king dead as well there are many things I could do for you. All of them involve necromancy. I could cast a necromantic spell on one of your weapons, armaments. It's usually what I do. I could, of course, cast a necromantic ritual that

would change the nature of your soul, if you wished. Hmm. That's not really for me, but... Hmm. Yeah. Like, uh, let's say we set you free, how would you go about killing

King Valax? Quietly. Good one. So he doesn't know killing King Valix? Quietly. Good one. So he doesn't know that King Valix is a lich now. Not as far as you've told me yet. Although, Fire Jolly's made a case to not tell him.

Yeah, and I guess that makes sense now. So it's like, if we just make him think if he helps us, which is true, that we are going to kill the king, he just doesn't need to know the king is also a buddy lich. But the problem is if all he can do is

make us evil, you know, is that really worth it? I don't think so. So what are you saying here? You want to tell him? No, I think... How long do we still have him? No, I think you were right the first time.

There's no benefit in telling him. Because now he knows that we want the same thing he does, which is the king dead. He just doesn't know the king is already a lich. Although I guess that could be helpful. I don't know. I'm really waffling. I hear some waffling

in the next room. Would you like to know more of the necromancy I can offer you? Lucas, do you recognize this guy? Oh, um, I know who he is. I haven't

seen him in person before. I thought he was in prison somewhere in the castle. Okay, so he was in prison. Oh, God, he is. I haven't seen him in person before. I thought he was in prison somewhere in the castle. Okay, so he was in prison. Oh, God, this timeline. My brain. How about this? Let's change gears for a second. How would we go kill King Valix from here? Where do we go from here if we want to take out Valak's? I imagine he would never leave his keep unless he was

searching for something. And how do we get to the keep? Well, the quickest way would be to exit the castle and I don't understand. How do you

get to... What are you doing here? What... What is happening? We have taken nine steps back. Because if he thinks it's just like a regular king, he thinks he's not... He doesn't know any of the stuff that's happening. You could just go outside

and walk into the front doors of the keep. It seems pretty strict. Just go through town and just go to the you're here to kill the king how did who did you slay to get here what year is it date news update he does things have changed he tells you he he is unsure what year it is he's been here for a very long time. There have been multiple spells cast on these chains that affect his ability to perceive time. His powers are very limited to casting rituals using components that are in the next room. Would you like us to kill you and put you out of your misery?

No. I have made it clear I would like you to shatter these chains. Just thought that might be a good backup plan because he starts kind of like turning his hands over each other you notice in like a repetitive fashion like back and forth hey he's getting what is chatting hmm what is chatting no Where's Chattin'? Hmm? Where's Chattin'? No castin'. He doesn't have any Purell in there, does he? Drop some truth bombs on him if he needs them. Okay. Hey, so King Valix is now

like a super lich, and this entire place is fucked ten times, and we're here to kill him. Wow. Fucked ten times, and we're here to kill him. Wow. Fucked ten times, you say? Yeah, this place went to the Feywild for a while

and it came back to whatever this is regularly, but it's been all changed and lichified. I was beginning to have a feeling that I've been doing things for King Valix quite more often than was natural. That lines up with some observances I've been attempting despite my limited faculties.

If you free me, I will do my best to effect the spells that may be protecting the arch lich's keep however i'm unfamiliar with exactly what spells might be there if he is turned to lichdom then i'm sure i will at least be vaguely familiar with their nature that's handy that's that's helpful one more question if we had a brain of a person could you make that person live again in a body through necromancy absolutely and they would be

okay the brain or the body you know you get one or the other my friend I think he would want his brain as his alright so

now what are we doing um so during this whole conversation by the way Lucas Lucas turns to you all and says please it would be my honor. Allow me to offer up my body for King Eldred. Interesting.

Why we didn't light this guy up. I mean, won't a dead body work? Do we need a living body? Can we use someone who already died? I ask the lich. Yes, absolutely. Bring me your dead body and I will transplant the consciousness of this brain.

Okay, we kill Lucas. I'm kidding. Oh, you don't need to kill him. I will just simply have him fade away. Yeah, we don't need to though because he could just we could use a different body but also do we want to do lucas is on his knees now lucas is like begging you to let him sacrifice himself what the heck no everyone i've ever loved is gone please you know it's what he wants for you but i think things are going to

turn around i really do this is your hero's journey. You're really bright-siding me right now, Winifred. I'm Mr. Bright-Siding. All right, let's... We're going to go in the hallway and just discuss. If you could just give us a minute. Okay, so as you go down the hallway a little bit, Bunk, who's been pretty quiet so far says

all right i i think we should get the fuck out of here i don't like this guy at all i don't think he has the ability to follow us if we just fucked off down the tower again and maybe we try something with the portcullis i i don't want lucas to die i want us to do this in the most valiant and proper way possible yeah i can't get away to trust the lich's folly if y'all are asking me uh it was more just can he is there anything he can do from us for us you know but yeah i guess we'd have to unchain him all right why don't we tell him what if we just tell him basically look we're gonna go kill the lich anything you can do from here or let us know that's helpful is gonna be to your benefit because it's once we kill him you'll probably be free because all his spells will be gone so right so we can just tell him

that and maybe he'll offer something up. Okay. Does that make sense? It does make sense. And also it will stop him from making maybe more powerful. He'll have that information the next time they come to him. If we still haven't gotten there yet. Is there anything that he could make for us that would kill a lich? I mean, anything he makes is going to be like necromantic. Well, yeah, I would think all of your basic knowledge

of necromancy is that yeah something can benefit you sometimes there are clerics in particular who dabble in necromancy who aren't necessarily evil but there is a certain sacrifice and darkness to uh necromancy so you think that what he's probably offering is to give weapons the ability to have additional necromantic damage or when he says alter your soul somehow um offer some kind of probably not lichdom that's probably too complicated and long of a process but uh something akin to necromantic alterations to you okay so do you want me can i go can i go just tell him that him helping us will help himself using as much persuasion as possible sure bunk is shaking his head uh you approach the lich and you say i'm not gonna accept any yeah and then i'm like

i'll give you guidance as well thank you and i And so, yeah, I'm going to say, listen, we are going to kill this archlich. Any information that you can give us, any help that you can give us in that quest is ultimately going to help you. Your chains should likely just fall away as soon as this is completed. So we're on the same side here. So you're not going to free me is what you're saying it's

once we have achieved our goal which is ultimately your goal as well so am i rolling persuasion for this and besides you can't we can't break these magic chains right we could if we wanted to we don't put them on um i mean you would think as a magic user dr you just saw winifred cast dispel magic and eventually you were able to break it this might be something that could be dispelled but it's not clear this guy's been whammied and you don't know how persuasion i'm thinking about a lich would have to be i did roll a 27 oh wow jesus all right i'll be here when you're back he shuffles off to a small

desk in his room and he takes a quill out of an inkwell and he jots a few things down on a bit of parchment hands it to you and says these are things in the next room

if you bring them to me, I can cast a spell that will greatly assist you. Let's check out this other room then. Why can't you get him? He gestures to his chains

and if he could roll eyes in his skull, he would, but he no longer has eyes let's go get him yep Queep is pinging on the map where the study would be as you probably were guessing sir

and so the next room over you notice there are shelves full of spell components oh spells? spell pantry I love eating in a spell pantry what does he mean? spell components. Spell? Spell pantry. I love eating in a spell pantry. What does he mean?

The parchment he has handed you includes a list of insects, powders, liquids, and what looks like the organ of a creature you've never heard of. Ooh. So we gotta go to Vons? Vons is right here.

Let's just Instacart this. Yeah, you're Instacarting to the next room. Who wants to take the lead on this one? I don't know much about magic. Winifred, who cannot turn her microphone on right now due to gardeners outside her window, would like everyone to know that she does not think everyone should give him anything. He's just going to cast a spell that will fuck with everybody. Keep in mind, Winifred just rolled a 27 on persuasion and still believes this.

So that is saying something. So that is saying something. So. So what do you want us to do, Winifred? You just said do this and now what were you saying? Don't. Jolly's had enough of Winifred's bullshit. I don't understand. OK, I don't know how loud this is going to be, but yeah, I guess I just was saying, if he has any thing to offer us, like, hey, here's how you kill

a lich, if he has any advice, or if he has any existing weapons or whatever that he wants to give us, then that seems cool. But I wouldn't give him free reign to just, like, make whatever spell he wants at this point, personally. That's really just a Sarah thing. I don't know if I can roll insight.

Dan, can I try? Yeah, roll insight, Winterfred try yeah roll it roll insight winterfred that's just my guess as me um my insight i was 14. yeah you think you made a case but he's impossible to read into as it is he has no facial expressions he seems very otherworldly and alien and there's it's it's already like okay he seems very evil but on top of that he's he's got this sort of uh impossibly long gaze into another motive that it's really hard it just feels like yeah i don't know it feels like the the bunks saying we should just leave seems smart to me but can we get anything out of this guy before we do also for the magic users if you look around this pantry is there anything you need i could use

exactly i want to take there's a lot in this room i would as as queep says this you magic users would look around and be like oh what is what an unusual collection of spell components and objects none of them seem to be obvious loot laying around however there is a chest in the corner that is closed with a lock on it and you think it's possible there are there are uh extra special things in the chest like a thing with a organ in it that's alive it'll bite us yeah maybe another light up brain who knows oh light up brain can i uh can i uh check the uh the trunk for traps and do an investigation check dr ewan uh the rest of you as you're sort of pouring over the room you do see there is a book of necromancy that's 16 the book is written in elvish if any of you speak elvish

an 18 16 16 no magic locks on here that you can tell. Seems like a simple keyed lock. I try to pick it with my Wilson picket. Slide a hand check with disadvantage. 12 plus 3 is 15 minus whatever the disadvantage is. Disadvantage means you roll twice, take the lower number.

Oh, right. Oh, that's a 2. Whoa! Yeah, that's a 2 plus 3 so that's a two. Whoa. Yeah, that's a two plus three, so that's a five. Or a two plus, yeah. Dr. Ewitt produces a little twig with his hand and tries to pick the lock. It snaps in half.

Ronnie, aren't you our resident lockmaster? In addition to leading us with a smile and a wink of encouragement oh my god let's get that slight of hand check with disadvantage uh brian yeah let's do that on the buttock occasionally oh hey get away from my butt no you're patting my butt as i like a leader supporting the team. No, no, I don't think I am. That doesn't sound like me. Who's rubbing my ass then? Those aren't pillows. No, but he comes out.

You suddenly see a mage hand disappear from Friar Jolly's butt and you hear a snicker from the lich in the next room. Yes, what did you roll? I got a 19 and a 9, so I guess I'm taking the stupid fucking 9. Just, uh, yeah, not unlocking. Seems like a non-magical chest lock, though.

You could try smashy smash. Okay. As you continue to scrape the lock-in nerds up so they're harder to pick you're gonna smash it with your strength do a strength check yes you all see ronnie get frustrated and go to stab the lock we've all been there or smash it with the pommel of the sword if you want to not ruin the sword i mean if you botch then you're definitely yeah that's what i want to try i'll try it with the pommel of the sword if you want to not ruin the sword. I mean, if you botch, then you're definitely going to have to. Yeah, that's what I want to try.

I'll try it with the sword. 22. Crash. The lock smashes out of the wood and there's little splinters where it used to be. Nice. And everything's there. What do we see? Well, as you

lift the lid to the chest, you see inside a golden chest plate. Hmm. Does it fit me? It does. It looks like it will. I'll put it on. Does it seem cursed?

Well, he already put it on. I have to find out how cursed it was on the next episode of nerd i'm not saying it's cursed um but um it's cursed yes uh and i think we're gonna be maybe getting uh edited in recap from sam as he appears to have uh dropped a bucket of paint on his personal belongings what's happening check the group text sam sent some alarming photos of what looks like an entire bucket of white paint on his uh playstation 4 games and computer discs so that is not

those fucking gardeners they're everywhere um so uh brian will be able to peel it off let's get right to plugs i guess i don't know what shows i'll be doing but please check my social media my chicago shows will have been done at this point but i'll have another la show coming up and i'll be going to florida where i think tickets are sold out for fest in gainesville but uh if you see any last minute ones open up and you want to go why wouldn wouldn't you? There will be a lot of bands and comedians. Brian. Yeah, that festival sounds fun.

I like doing those kind of things where it makes comedy fun again because the other people are there and you can see other shows and you can see music. This whole being by yourself bullshit takes the fun out of comedy.

That said, this used to be my playground. I'll be in Richmond. BrianPassane.com tour date's there. Sacramento coming up in December and then next month I'm with Ngayo Bilem at the Arlington

Drafthouse out in Arlington, Virginia. And he and I will be walking around town and eating. Looking forward to that. That's fun when you get to take your friends with you. And then I've got a comic book called Halloween Party coming up at Halloween. And then I've got Rifters coming up in Halloween at Halloween. And then I've got, uh, um, rifters coming up. And then another book called grommets and ax is going to be in a trade,

uh, uh, collection very soon from a heavy metal magazine. That's, uh, our first six issues are, I think almost done in the book. And then they'll,

there'll be a trade out very soon. And the hardcover looks book. And then there'll be a trade-out very soon. And the hardcover looks awesome. It's going to be a bunch of bonuses. And Joe Truman and I will be doing signings in LA when that comes out. So listen here for details. I'm sorry I keep talking about my comic books, but I'm so fucking excited about all the stuff I have. And I know it's way down the pipe, but I can't wait to share it with people because the art is incredible and my storytelling is okay and there's fart jokes

uh Blaine we attribute the success to mankind for joining us on this episode you got walls and a roof on the next episode of Nerd Poker, the accordion stylings of Frankie Yankovic,

Grammy Award winner Jimmy Starr, a salute to Johann Strauss' Thurston Ninetta, and the Lawrence Welk hologram takes it... Oh, wait, that's on the next Nerd Poker. On the next Nerd Poker, the accordion stylings of Frankie Yankovic, Grammy Award winner Jimmy Starr, a salute to Johann Strauss' turst in Nanetta, and the Lawrence Welk hologram takes a shit on a glass coffee table on the next Nerd Poker.

Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.