Nerd Poker - S5E15 Robbing The Evil Dead Person

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

There's a lich imprisoned up in the turret, and our crew is still deciding what to do with him exactly. Rob him though? Absolutely. What crew do you think we're talking about anyway?! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season 5. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussin, and you're listening to Nerd Poker, episode 15 of season 5. Holy crap.

We did it. My friends are here. We're recording these on mornings now, so I'm full of my guests because I just ate half a McMuffin. Anyway, Mavis says hi. Chris is here. Hey, buddy. Hi.

How are you, Brian? Good morning. I'm good. Where's the other half of that McMuffin? I'm trying to eat less, so it's in a bag. Is that your lunch bag? No, I'm going to throw it out. Oh.

Blaine's here. Morning, Brian. Things are looking good on the 101. We do have a little bit of some construction coming into the 110 down there, but other than that, smooth as glass. Thanks, Blaine. Ken's here. My pleasure.

Yes. Hello, Brian. Hey, dude. How are you? I am sound asleep, but here. So enjoy my presence. Happy Halloween. In my sleep state.

Indeed. Dan's here. Hello, Brian. I love your background. Thank you. It is a spooky castle. It's kind of Nazgul-y. No, I mean the fact that you're from Chicago. Oh.

I'm like Croatian and Swedish and Scottish. Yeah. You love this Polish ceramic mug that I drink. Yeah, I love all that. Thank you. I love your background. Thank you for admiring my background. Sarah's here. Hi, good morning. Good morning. How are you?

I'm terrible as I just shared with you. Oh, Jesus. No, I know. Oh, not again. I was pretending jesus i thought we were all having coffee enemas before these i just want some coffee is that so wrong i've been up for three and a half hours already so um you know i need i need the coffee well how do you how do you get your coffee how do i get it how do i receive it make your own coffee

do you have an instant make it sometimes i make a pot sometimes i walk to starbucks in the morning sometimes i make some espresso it depends on the day but right now i have none and you all are going to suffer for it they have some very good coffee down the street from us that i can highly recommend uh that is not starbucks if you feel like going non-evil uh when you wake up it's like chaotic passing judgments on people's shopping habits i am you know don't talk to me until i've had my early and i just told you i haven't had any coffee talk to me after i've had my coffee about how evil my coffee habits are i think where i was originally going to go with it

was just said i it's you do like fancy like how you make it i just think it's so much you get so much more of the delicious caffeine out of it when you like grind it at home and do all that silly shit and that's been like my only source of joy during the pandemic was like i've been ordering french press but uh i i would like to get a french press and actually french press is great yeah we have the curry coffee we have curry here and i don and I don't really dig it. I like diner coffee. I like 7-Eleven coffee. I fake threw it away when all the maggot people were throwing away their Keurigs.

I did a bit online where I threw my Keurig away, but no, I still have it. Anyway, Sam is here listening, but he's not going to jump in yet but he'll come back at the end of the show and him and Robin

his shirt's still tumbling Ryan do you want to say hi to the sweet children for him? hello sweet children and now we can all comment about Ken the way we would about Robin.

Ken, your belly looks so cute. Oh, thank you. Oh, should I show it? Yes! Wow, I was really hoping we were going to do that for the salacious crumb doll in the background, not actual Ken's furry stomach. Where is he? Boop boop!

Red arm. You want to thank some people? do i'm gonna go ahead and thank some patreon supporters who keep this livelihood alive they go by patreon usernames like dang wayne half step thank you dang wayne thank you sam has awoken my need for an evanescence nerd poker crossover event i mean i can wear eyeliner i guess thank you every stewart on television ever thank you draft silverwing thank you tickle my dandies thank you steinmetz pianos requires attunement Thank you, Steinmetz Pianos, requires attunement. I'm about to sneeze, you guys.

Thank you, Morden Canons, sore D. Thank you, Bryce Spider Lisser. Thank you, why does my face turn red when Dan reads my name? Thank you, Randy Butternubs. Thank you, David Blame, Kapach Adams. Thank you, don't want to end up like no poo bear thank you big ed's house of cock will fill all your holes located in the historic dildo district thank you zach of course thank you ben thank you dick biting lava bears thank you What other kind is there? Thank you, Lush Rimball. Thank you, Immortan Gerb. Thank you, Megatron's Merkin.

Thank you, Sean McCoy. Thank you, Five Guys Hole Filling Company. You got holes. We got five guys who fill them next to Big Dick's Drape and Carpet Warehouse. Thank you, Save Congress. Take your friends to vote in the midterms. Thank you, Ridge Carpenter. Thank you, Cabbiespenter. Thank you.

Cabbies on pot. Thank you. Teachers talking, teaching. Thank you. Mumata Pupata, the mind flare that is permanently off the rails. RIP Danny's pants.

Thank you. Nick Hinks. Thank you. The random more. Thank you. Bernie Sanders, magical mittens. Thank you.

Highway to the Newman's own. Thank you. Highway to the newman's own thank you highway to the newman's own man i didn't think of that getting you some ranch getting you some vinaigrette uh thank you riley thank you kelsey ross thank you four nice guys a girl a pizza place called Palladino's. Thank you, Fred Durst Vagina. Thank you, Season 1 Episode 6. Thank you, Willie Nilly Nelson. And finally, thank you Brian's Baby Mask and Sword Emporium for all your home

defense needs. Because, of course, that is how he protects his home. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters actually brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by... They call me Yuck Mouth, cause I won't brush. No, I like my teeth like this.

They call me Yuck Mouth, cause I don't brush. How's about a little kiss? Got some beef in my teeth, got some chicken too. Hi, I'm Yuck Mouth, and I'm dead now because I smoked. Don't smoke. Dan? Wow, a PSA. I feel like nonprofits are starting to contribute to our podcast,

and while that's special, I worry about their funding sometimes. It's from somewhere, I don't know, but it's all for all for the the forces of good what does he find that's new he goes there's some beef a cavity hey there's a cavity that's new yeah yeah beef and chicken looking forward to pork or if you can get the vegetarian looking forward to you rolling up yuck mouths for one of our bonus episodes coming up in november i'm. Ken's gonna play timer. I'm gonna roll up fuck mouth. Fuck mouth though.

That's not what mouths are for. You're gonna sing it, Brian. Please sing it. They call me fuck mouth cause I don't worry about it. How's about a little kiss? Fuck all the fuck mouth. Nobody interrupt this.

Make him keep going. I got some dicks in my mouth and some balls too. How's about a little kiss? I gotta take a poo. Call me. Fuck mouth. So fuck mouth wants to kiss with the dicks and balls in his mouth yes

but how do you kiss him call me fuck mouth that's not what I asked anyways go to Paris fans no we don't no we're keeping that I couldn't find a music sting in time yeah please looking for

some kiss i was about to say listeners please crop that out and set it to music that would be very wonderful let's get that up on spotify hey now you're a fuck man this is adulting this is great job stinger can be the blink. Yes, this is growing up. We're all 50 years old. Yeah. And then some.

Yeah, I'm not there yet, but. Yeah, I'm a sprightly 44. How dare you? All right. I forget,

I forget we play with babies. I already wore a 44 suit. Yeah, look out. I'm the bottom tier of Gen X. Here I come. All right. Well, it's now time that we talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. I don't know why I started laughing there.

Our heroes decided to go up a tower after finding a portcullis area of the inner wall abandoned and also difficult to pass through. Atop the tower they met a lich bound in magical chains and after hitting him with a very, very high winifred persuasion roll they decided there were a limited amount of things they actually wanted to get from a lich because he was such a piece of shit. So they went into the next room to basically rob him where, well,

Ronnie kind of just put on some golden plate armor without even really thinking about it. We take you to that already in progress. So, yeah, that made me laugh listening to it a few minutes ago because of how boldly brian was just like i put it on which it's always great for moving the story forward when people make moves

like that um you're welcome and uh yeah like i would say a few other scene setting things you knew there wouldn't be a ton of um army undead in the like parts of the castles because a lot of the army had been sort of let loose on the continent and other continents looking for people but um at the same time i think you'd all be a little wary of just like stumbling upon an occasional undead elf and here we have a very undead elf and you kind of went in the next room to get some components he said if you brought him some he could he could cast a spell and i think you decided in the next room you actually weren't gonna really like take him up on it that's obviously still open for discussion bunk and winifred we're both kind of like let's just get the fuck out of here. And you're like, well, let's open the chest first.

And to that point, Ronnie, could you do a charisma saving throw for me, please? Okay. Because you just put on golden plate. Without really examining it, you suddenly feel this sort of wobbliness at the end. Charisma saving throw? Yeah, boss. Right. Remember Gus? Yeah, boss. Right. Remember Gus?

Fifteen, sir. Let's get Gus back. That would make listeners happy. Fifteen, you say? Yes. You have a little bit of acid reflux as you almost lose your focus and spin into vertigo, but you shake it off. Okay.

Armor that makes you... that gives you vertigo that sounds awesome you know that's just my way of sort of that in armor that is uh that is my way of describing a barely made charisma saving throw perhaps in general but yes you you you kind of just you know steal yourself thinking about avenging your brother and uh yeah you're you're doing okay right now but um you definitely like look down at this at this um plate armor that is on your chest it's got like a single link chain over each shoulder the front molded you know uh very very mildly curved and then there's another plate in the back it would protect you it's definitely magical and there's definitely something weird going on with

it okay how would y'all like to proceed wow ronnie you look great in that armor holy cow the armor of a leader. Thanks. I think we were just going to see if he could help us with anything and leave. Right. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. Let's get the fuck out of here, you guys. We totally checked out this room now.

You know, if you want to say you've just looted it completely, I'm going to just real quick ask for an investigation check from everybody, which I don't think we did yet. An investigation. What kind of check? I say we looted it completely. Investigation, Brian. 13.

Got a 13. 17 plus 320. We got a 20. 11. I'd like to add a 10 to the pile 18 in life you got it sweet okay Ronnie Dr. Uid everyone's kind of like

turning things over all of you find a bunch of strange spell components Friar Jolly Winifred you in particular are finding like oh like if i cast new spells i feel like i'll be ready for it and friar jolly you turn some of them over and you're like this is some really gross necromancy stuff there's a couple of like you know dried humanoid fingers where you're like this is not something i actually want to put in a pouch um dr uid you find a wand uh this wand you're unsure what it does you're you're you're free to do whatever you want with

it you could pocket it you could show it to someone else uh just let me know and likewise ronnie n you're turning everything over and you find some hand wraps that look like they are made of some sort of very special difficult to stretch material that when you put it over your hand it actually does

seem to mold itself to fit you perfectly wow okay super punches mold itself to fit you perfectly. Wow. Okay. Super punches. Maybe.

We'll see. Why don't you go punch the lich in the next room and just see what happens? Oh. I like to just tell you guys, just do the horrible thing. Just do it. Who knows? It's probably safe because i said it that's what turtle was doing on a rush playing in your pocket i kept watching what's this guy gonna do are you pocketing the wand blame i'm gonna tell everybody i found a crazy wand i

might not set this off in here before i know what's going on gotcha might be one of those room full of people killing in wands I bet you you could fire it at Ronnie and now that he's got that great new gold armor nothing would happen hey Ronnie get it on tape Ronnie slash Brian Post saying will you do a perception check army please

army is the armor taken over is it trolling him oh uh 26 20 plus six that's pretty good you're thinking about like these hand wraps kind of like turning them over and um your fingernails and your ears have have kind of itch a little bit. Weird. Okay. That's it. Are they going to turn you into a wolf or something? My fingernails are itching, you guys. I don't think you have nerves in your fingernails.

That's not good. Hmm. In the next room, you hear the lich go, ahem. We have no detect evil or anything like that uh no you do not and once again detect evil detect is now in fifth edition detect good and evil and it is mostly used to detect people from the celestial realm and the nine hells rather than in uh you can get some intentions so it's useless now yep alignment's not so much a thing anymore unless you want way to nerf yeah indeed uh so you head into the next room yes and you're gonna just try

to see if you can roll that 27 persuasion from last episode into a favor from the lich well i mean i think the idea was just like less a favor and more like look we're we're gonna try to kill the king. So that's to your advantage. If there's anything that you can do, give us that exists already or anything you can do. We don't want you to create something new. We don't want you to cast a spell. You have any advice or you have any tools to help us?

Great. Otherwise, good day to you, sir. And, you know and best of luck. Did you bring me the components that I requested? No, we don't want you to do a spell of any kind. Thank you. Alright, well, my advice

would be twofold. Bring me the components and unbind me. Doesn't sound like advice. I could do a lot for you if you would bring me those components and unbind me that's cool we will take your request under consideration thank you for your time you're welcome that's right thanks for coming in right, let's leave him here. As you leave, you can... You hear that he's, like, yanking against these chains,

and you begin to descend the staircase, and you hear him cry out in anger. All right, bud. Sounds like we made a new friend! Should we check these doors here on the right side um you could uh you did you did just sort of make your way towards

the door there are yes if you look at the map it looks like there's a whole hallway there's some kind of doorway to the northeast and east of the storage room that you got all that shit out of what do you think folks certainly let's go check this shit out all right queep heads right in there uh love love the uh season three art i'm now using as the token for queep we will have some season four character art coming soon from Aaron English, y'all.

Aaron English of our logo. And this art. You head in there, Queep. There is just, it's almost mummified, this bed that looks like it hasn't been used in centuries. There's a rotten wooden table and two chairs uh this room just looks like it's fallen into waste you could potentially dig under a small side table and desk there are what looks like drawers rotted and molded into the wood that you could yank open or pry open or smash open this wood looks like it is extremely dry and

brittle um the like like it's seen moisture and then the moisture has come and gone hundreds of times the um the room also just has this layer of cobwebs and dust and decay where like you almost feel like if you scraped around and cleaned you'd find interesting things under the dust but it's very it's very uh kind of like putrid and and and mummified feeling in here i'll scrape around and clean okay let's search the dust some cartoon bluebirds flying through the window and help you dust can uh can i get from everyone who wants to participate an investigation check, please? Is a three good? Three?

That's good, right? No. I'd like to beat that with a four. Nice. I also got a four off my one. Holy fuck. Ronnie got an 18, Dan. Ronnie's doing all right.

Winifred, we're rolling investigation checks. I know you had to step away for a hot second. Yes, let me investigate. We're checking out a mummified putrid room. Mummified. Yum. 12. So it's really difficult to kind of turn this room over you you spend a lot of time

just trying to scrape the dust out of the darkened places uh you smash the desk open it looks like this room has basically been robbed uh by maybe the soldiers of the castle this guy's a prisoner uh he's he's like both a political prisoner and a sort of like prisoner of war and he's been enslaved so you would think that you know king valyx and his soldiers would actively keep him from having anything interesting they were using and those spell components were like oh like we'll make him cast spells this room his personal room not much here however ronnie you're digging around under his bed where we know all the good shit usually is when uh you're robbing somebody under the bed and you know you're pulling up this ancient straw mattress that's basically just like

a sack of dust that crumbles when you touch it, and you find a leather-bound journal of some kind. Okay. Hey, guys, I found a journal. Is it leather-bound? Yeah. Very, very old leather. Of some kind? Hmm?

Nothing. Do I pick it up, or do I... I mean, as you... Is it just sitting there? nothing do i pick it up or do i i mean as you as you yeah like as you pull it out the the really old uh fabric of what's what's what's i'm i'm losing my words lately binding uh it's kind of like the the mattress sack uh it's what do you call that like linen um it's so old it's kind of stuck to the leather and you kind of of have to yank the whole thing away from the bottom of this mattress.

The leather is also very brittle, but something about being wedged between the wooden bed frame and the linen mattress has kind of preserved it a little bit. And you can see the pages look like they would actually turn, and they have writing and drawings on it. Yeah. observed it a little bit and you can see there the pages look like they would actually turn and they have writing and drawings on it yeah um as you all flip through it you notice it's the journal of a young wizard who seems very excited to be working for royalty and is taking notes is there anything in there about like secret passages or anything like cool?

Let's, uh, Fire Jolly, you kind of like take the journal and start digging through it. This is going to take, let's say, a minimum of two minutes to kind of rifle through it and look for something like that. But you can tell me how much time you want to spend. Do people want to check out the rest of this long hallway? I can sit here and look at the journal while you guys clear out this floor? Doctor... Can I take another swing at this room?

Yeah, I saw you just moved your token there, and I shall honor that, my kind sir. Doctor, it comes around to this hallway. It starts in the northeast corner of the storeroom and seems to bend all the way around towards the lich's quarters. So you kind of look down.

There's not much here except there are some barrels in the near corner right before the hallway bends around to the left. Is there another door here? Should you what, Blaine? Roll them out and have a barrel of fun. Wow.

Yeah. I'm glad we circled back for that. There might be something in the barrels. Lord knows your DM once put blood in this kind of thing, but you could Crack them open Fish, barrel, monkeys You got a journal out of this Alright

Does anybody have a detect magic still up? Still going on? Did you ever? No, I don't know if any of us did Do the Do the barrels look like uh do they look used do they i mean everything's dusty yeah they look like they've been stored here for years okay we'll dispel magic yeah i would not detect i do and it goes and this

hallway goes all the way down to the uh connects with the lich's little uh hot plate area there yeah where he is chained up okay and he can only move like five feet in any direction he's undead he doesn't sleep anymore he's just sort of trapped man what a drag i free is there another doorway continuing from here from the his doorway yeah uh no um i know i didn't completely reveal that corner but i will reveal after you know that was just a simple mistake there is one more room that leads off from where the lich is chained up that you have not explored other than that you've explored the top of the tower. So here? Where's the doorway? Yeah, that's it.

Oh, shoot. I'll see if I can highlight the doorway a little better. It's tough to know because this is a very dark map. Alright, I'm going to sneak by him. It's going to be awkward. Sneak by him? He's going to sneak by the glowing magic skeletal murderer? Who's in a small room? He's all chained up. Are you really going to sneak by him or run by the glowing magic skeletal murderer yeah he's in a small room he's all

chained up are you really gonna sneak by him queep i'm gonna walk by him i mean i'm gonna just pass him hilarious to me okay this room seems to have been recently used it is like a deluxe bedroom suite we're talking fresh bed linens, small lamps sitting on a desk, and what looks like very nice, very nice accommodations. There's an expensive rug on the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna sack this shit. What's in this dresser? Let's get that investigation check, Queep. Sure. Zero. Looting the tower. Oh, I got a 20. You know I like it when you guys make it easy to name

the episode in three weeks. So yeah, 20 is very nice and you... It's the highest that you get. You're like turning it over. You're just going, you're going, uh, what's the word? Ape shit on this? So... Well, not violently, but yes. You break all the loot.

No, you said it. Like Coco the gorilla ape shit. Like loving ape shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Articulate ape shit. I kiss everything when I find it. Oh, kittens. Adopted.

Hold on to it for weeks. So as you mindfully destroy everything, just kidding, you are looking through what is a small bedside desk, a bookshelf under the bed, under a smaller desk in the corner. It looks like this room has been used by some sort of high-level military captain. And there's some shorthand things written in elves that look like army movements and stuff like that. like like army movements and and stuff like that you would think one of the high-ranking soldiers stations himself in here from time to time and there's also notes it looks like he has been speaking to the lich for for years and trying to learn things from him but it is not the lich's handwriting you don't think it looks like it's mostly just it's a parchment stacked up on a desk

that you're going to get out of this room and some of the books in here are just weird old folk tales uh from sun elf culture so he's been he's been in here a long time and he wasn't put here by this person uh okay i would say too like yeah with a 20 feels like this high-ranking elf soldier was in here within the last 24 hours uh what do you want to can i uh yes should we ask the lich about yeah that's exactly what i was gonna yeah what who who stays here captain wad captain wad you mean he he is a real wad but no it was captain his name john holmes no he is not a porn star he's captain lot i don't know what that's a reference to johnny the wad holmes that's his name oh see i don't charming isn that's a reference to. Johnny the Wad Holmes. It's charming, isn't it?

I didn't see that movie. Is he no D-Dah? I didn't see Boogie Nights. I don't know what's going on. And what can you tell me about him? Well, as we said, he's a wad. He has been interrogating me, but also providing me with tidbits of magical information to keep me sane.

Interesting. It's magical information to keep him sane. Hey, you gonna let me out of here, motherfucker? We'll see what happens. Use me, bitch. Whoa, language. Forget I'm evil and uncooperative. Get me out of here, motherfucker. We'll see what happens. Use me, bitch. Whoa, language. Did you forget I'm evil and uncooperative?

Get me out of here. I'm just ignoring that. I was gone briefly, and when I came back, I guess you guys were just wandering around this guy's bed. In classic nerd poker faction, you guys said, let's leave. One of the cast members walked away, and then you said, what if we didn't leave? How about now? Let's leave.

Great. Yeah, you can leave. I'll head down the tower so far. I'm still back in that other room looking at that journal. Great. Let's check in. Oh, no. What?

You can say one more thing. I'm looking for doors in here where I am there is a big sort of double um wooden oh god if I could put words together today uh

it's it's a bay window like not a bay window like a double door window french french door french it's it's not a door it's it's a large door it's it's a large window that's a four-year or four-year neither um it's it's it's spelled for while um you go and it's like it doesn't reach to the floor on the ceiling but it's big right it's like five feet wide five feet tall two wooden like folding things you open up and you can see out to the northwest.

What do I see? Great question. You see Vendaria Castle in all of its vile glory. The Lich's Keep looks like it is about half a mile to the Northwest.

It has big, huge gargoyles and stone, uh, almost chitinous spires. Yes. I said chitinous correctly this time. Listeners. Um,

it's, it's awful. It stretches into the sky. It seems as if the clouds circle around it. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. And we can't go back to where we were before in any way, can we?

Can't go home again. None of this is happening? And also, if you kind of look, this tower is not ornate. This is like a very simple tower that sticks up to the top and you can kind of see it looks like the beast area that you guys just came from is just to the east of where you are does it does looking here reveal any more

of the map to us or uh no uh not not on the big map the big map i don't have a zoom in for you no no i mean the this the map we're on nope just does that reveal this black area now okay uh well you well i mean it's there's nothing on the other side that uh i i will polygon reveal in roll 20 there's it's just i'm describing like what i can give you so back to friar jolly friar jolly going through this you discover this uh this wizard probably kept this journal for going on 17 years it goes on and on and on it's more personal than informational there's some diagrams but a lot of it has to do with how he is going to outfit a room for various spells. And the castle has a lot of areas to it that you're starting to learn about.

You see that he's been talking a lot about the Grand Hall to the south of the King's Keep, the Royal keep the lich's keep back then it was just a royal keep and a different king was there the the royal hall is that long bill i'm going to take you guys back to the vendaria map if you look at roll 20 it's that sort of long building right under the main keep that i'm going to go ahead and ping um and he apparently had several large rooms he was allowed to conduct magical experiments in within this hallway uh many of them involved creating chimeras and unusual monsters um mostly just experiments that were not officially sanctioned and eventually it seems near the end of his journal, he was being told to stop doing it by a new king and he would not stop.

And he was quite resolute that he was going to continue his experiments. All right. I will share that with the group. Hmm. All right, I will share that with the group. Hmm. Mm-hmm. So it sounds like there's a bunch of horrific monstrosities freely roaming the area.

So what you're saying is it's like Hollywood Boulevard. Oh, man. It is like Hollywood Boulevard. It is. It is like Hollywood Boulevard. It is. And does the lich know about this guy, or does the lich not care about any of this stuff?

I think like passive insight, you would all think, especially Friar Jolly, this is the journal the lich kept before he became a lich. Okay. Do you want to read it to him and watch him cry maybe he'll have a change of heart aww remember this is who you used to be well

back when you were cool shall we move along I think yes we have utterly looted everything the lich has made it clear he is uncooperative and we are moving down the castle stairs.

Can I get a stealth check from everybody, please? Right. I'm listening. 13 plus 3, 16. 16. 7. 3 plus 3, 16. 16. 7. Got a 3.

Critical plus 3. 18. Oh, boy. I stealthed the fuck out of it. Okay. Well, Bunk. Then I knock you over. Bunk got an 18.

And Lucas got a 2. Lucas is muttering to the brain in a terrarium. I would say at this point you would all notice he's become very focused on it and he's like whispering to it. It's not making any noise back, but he seems to be very reverent of King Eldrin the third and wishes that he could commune with this brain. Ronnie, I will say since you have a high number, you are in the lead and everybody behind you is getting really loud.

So you're trying to sneak down the stairs and everyone just keeps bumping into each other. Flash mob. Everyone's dressed as Santa Claus. You're about to raid a Barnes & Noble. Anybody want these Fritos? I got this crinkly bag of Fritos.

I'll put them in my shoes. Throw me those Vuvuzelas. It's the special airline Fritos that is made of extra crunchy tinfoil. Who brought all the hula hoops? I'm trying to watch the concert. Ronnie, you look around the corner and

as you're kind of approaching the chamber, you guys were in a few minutes ago. We'll say probably like in-game time. It's been 10 minutes since you ascended the tower, maybe a little longer. And there are elf voices up ahead you recognize the the accent as being of claude and heim possibly undead uh sun elves and you motion for everyone

to shush the fuck up um however lucas does not lucas is not paying attention and he is continuing to whisper to the brain in a terrarium. Cool. Can I get an intimidation check? Can I get a what? Roll for duct tape. Oh, pretty low. Five plus one is six.

All right. So, Jerry, Lucas looks up at you, Ronnie. And he says, you don't understand like pretty loudly. This is a, this is royalty in this terrarium. Well, and then he realizes everyone's like staring at him and he goes like, and he like kind of gets quiet,

but like, he definitely is like not paying attention at first hmm do we hear the voices continue to talk or do they stop as you all hush it gets really quiet you don't hear the elven voices that ronnie was just telling you about the voices

don't carry if they uh you they hush hush if someone likes they can act out that music reference and look around the corner and see if the voice is carried and what came up around the corner

well it's Tuesday oh Christ tell me if anyone wants to do that, though. Otherwise, I will just start moving horrible castle things forward. Friar Jolly places his hands on his temple. He's like, even without looking, somehow I just know they're going to kill us. So you guys are all just frozen it sounds like you're terrified

let's just go get those elves yeah let's go check it out let's do it you all round the corner and it looks like there are about like eight undead elven soldiers

who are quickly like jogging south down the hallway and you kind of see them uh like quickly moving uh some kind of machinery when you say south is that away from us towards us what is that so i'm gonna go ahead and bring the hall map back up i'm sure we won't need it, Dan. No, absolutely not. Kind of where I'm going to kind of move all the tokens where the map ends to the south

in that hallway. Got it. So as another moment passes, there's like a clang clang cl, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang. And you see a giant iron portcullis starting to close on the south side, trapping you between the two portcullises. Perfect. You've got maybe three seconds.

That's all we need. To dive for it. Get the hell out of here. Yeah. Are you going to run for the portcullis? Yeah, sure. There's eight soldiers on the other side. Can I get an athletics check

from anyone who wants to run to dive under the portcullis? Yes. Towards the elves. Yeah, run directly towards the elves who are waiting. Yeah, I got a 22. Me too. You both got 22s?

Yep. Yeah, we're going to kill some fucking elves. Sorry, what is the roll? Athletics, please. 12. A 7. Roll to commit suicide, please. You want to roll high to commit suicide.

17. 7. All of you dash for the portcullis, including Lucas and Bunk. The only two people who manage to slide under it before it slams down are Queep and Ronnie. I'm Murder Man.

What a delight. Can I get... Let's see. Let's not even do a check yet. Queep, Ronnie, you're surrounded by eight soldiers. I would say the rest of you feel like, oh, let's kill them, but also that Queep and Ronnie are extremely exposed right now. What would you like to do?

The elves are kind of smiling. Their weapons have already been drawn. Cool. Let's attack. Great. Let's get everyone roll for initiative. I'm going to. I'm going to.

Huh? Even us behind the gates yeah but don't tell me the number yet because I'm gonna I gotta do a couple of things this is kind of a battle based around geography that I had not planned so D&D behind the drawings fucking strong today for me what I wanted to say was I have to whip up a special

map for this so I'm gonna be doing that between episodes so one second I have to whip up a special map for this, so I'm going to be doing that between episodes. Okay. So one second. Can I get... Winifred, what is your initiative? 14. Friar Jolly, what you got?

18. Kweep. Also 18. Nice. Dr. Uwud. 8. Ronnie. also 18 nice 8 Ronnie critical plus 3 oh shit 23

there comes Ronnie Bunk got an 11 Lucas got a 2 would the brain in the jar get he's immobile so he's he's just lucas at this point basically um and and my hell my hell hell how many the soldiers get a 19 uh so uh to start things off again the map i do not have ready i will have it next episode the map that you currently have pulled up is close to what's happening but i i think because you're all

tightly gathered and split up around a portcullis i want to have that visually represented if you kind of look at the top of the map you're you're kind of split up by a portcullis like that except to the south right like it's not it's not it's not visually represented on the map so imagine there's this stone archway and on the south side of it we've got ronnie and queep surrounded by eight undead elf soldiers the rest of you are all gathered around the gates to the north ronnie what would you like to do as you hear queep uh pull his axe out is his dual blade of kukla ready yeah i do commit bird murder also uh i charge

somebody with my arm blade all right roll to attack please okay uh 17 17 that's a hit roll your damage 8

alright you run up to one of these soldiers press your arm blade right into his neck and just take a chunk out of his neck and blood sprays behind him. Are you going to do anything with, say, a bonus action? My kind

sir. Uh, is he dead? No. Okay, so I swing on him again. Alright, please do. And what does the blood smell like? It's probably pretty bad, huh? It's not great. It's kind of like

black gross blood. You said 18? Did 14 hit, my friend? No, 14 does not hit. I was trying to think of a fancy word. Unarmed strike or no? I'm done.

I think you get two attacks and then you can do something i have to look at your character sheet to really tell you um i'm looking right now i think you can do flurry of blows like danny yeah um i don't see it here anymore. Well, let's see. So you get two attacks per action for sure. Bonus action, you can do unarmed strike or flurry of blows. Nice.

Okay, I'll do flurry of blows. Cool. That's under bonus action. Please give it a roll, boss. 19. Oh, that's for sure a hit roll that damage a four great so you know you're you're like chopping at him with the arm blade you take a little more damage out of him um yeah he's he's he's like you know holding an arm up to his neck where you have cut him wide open up next is the soldiers and i think we're gonna go ahead and say what that is like on the next episode of nerd poker uh sam are you here we missed you at the beginning of the episode

are you here sam hello everyone sam hello sweet children thank you for allowing me to come in late all right so from the beginning of today's recording uh we updated some of the recording machines at earwolf to the new apple m1 chip, and it is causing some conflicts with some of the Pro Tools, but I think it'll be worked out with some of the new versions of Pro Tools that are coming out. I joined our recording today. Well, first time I came in, I believe there was still a spooky chained-up skeleton. Excuse me. And we found a wizard's

notebook i think uh ken i too am a sexual deviant and when we said that i from my kitchen yelled like from john like john holmes so i get that reference i know exactly who the kumwad is and you are all wrong for not knowing it It's a very popular reference. Yeah. Lucas is... It's no Seika. That's right. Lucas is flirting with the brain in the jar. We're going to Indiana Jones ourself run right under this portcullis.

I googled what a portcullis is. I'm up to date. Only Cleve and Ronnie made it under and we are fighting some elves finally. Yay. Hello, sweet children. Where's Ramen?

He's asleep over there. I have a comical book that's in stores this week. It's the Halloween issue. It's Scotch McTiernan's Halloween party continuing on with the goofy stories of Scotch McTiernan's Halloween party continuing on with the goofy stories of

Scotch McTiernan, this 80s kind of super soldier guy we created. And he was in the Secret History of the War on Weed. And we've got more for him coming in December, too.

And then there's going to be a trade collecting all three of the big issues. They're all like 40 pages, too. So it's a lot of comedy and violence crammed into a book through Image Comics. Go get them now. Both first issues are out or available right now, The Secret History. And Halloween party. Well, it actually,

when you air, when this airs, it'll be out. And then I've got a tour dates on Brian. We're saying.com Richmond, Virginia coming up. Yeah. I'm going to be at PAX unplugged in Philadelphia at the beginning of

December, where I'm going to be running a bunch of Tales of Zadia Cortex games, and I'm going to be on a panel, too. So please keep an eye out for Cortex stuff at PAX Unplugged. I'll probably be at a booth, too. I'll be the six-foot-five person wearing a mask, and I hope to see some of y'all there. Right on. Hey, Blaine uh what do you think's gonna happen next week we attribute the success saved man calling for joining us on this episode you got walls and a roof well on the next nerd poker the gang is joined is joined by Tony Randall for a... Oh, no, he's dead.

The group is visited by the thin-weight Duke David Bowie for a... No, he's dead. How about Victor Mature? No. Muhammad Ali? No. Cab Calloway? Hank Williams Sr.?

How about the guy who played Exeter on Mork and Mindy? No. Jesus Christ! Him too?! All this, and according to my phone, my Lyft driver, Arjun, has arrived on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdp and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at p.o box one six zero six nine encino california nine one four one six

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