Nerd Poker - S5E16 Lever Fever

Episode Date: November 8, 2022

Oh great, they finally found the undead army patrolling the castle. All that stands between our crew and progress are iron portcullises and a inconvenient levers, why'd some dumb evil elves have to mess with us?

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season 5. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. How are you?

Feel it. That's good. We're going to do a little Nerd Poker. Sound all right? All right. Let's do it. Here's my friends. Ken's here.

Hi, Brian. How are you? What's up? Nothing. I'm just excited to join our friends listening to us and play for them. Yeah, it's going to be great. Sarah's here. Hello. Hi. Sorry, I was distracted. Sam was looking down and he's wearing kind of like a flesh Colored cap and he just simply looked Like a headless neck And it scared the shit out of me I do have coffee now though

Hello, hi, good morning It is Halloween, Halloween Blaine's here Oh hi Reggie's here, Veronica too Oh great, thanks Reggie Dan's here, Veronica too Oh great, thanks Reggie Dan's here

Oh hi Brian, I really enjoyed that cozy fireside tone that you were setting at the beginning of the episode. Thanks I enjoy your background Thank you, it's Croatian Scottish in Sweden Been there, done that

Chris is here Hello Croatian's been there and done that. Chris is here. Hello. I enjoy Croatians. Yeah, they're good. Just as a rule. I enjoy physical comedy. Tony Kukoc, yum. You're a crower, not a shower.

Did I already say hi to Ken? Yes. Yeah did too wait we yeah good uh we did two episodes in a row here this morning it's a nice tuesday i hope it's nice where you are sam is here everybody hello sweet children and sarah just so you know headless neck is the ideal workout body i'm that's what i'm going for. So thank you. Ideally, I'd like to be so shredded. You go, didn't Sam used to have a head? And I didn't. Just all muscle. I got something for Sam from a listener.

Oh, boy. Hi, Sam. A big fan of all the content you're putting out. I first got exposed to your work through NerdPoker. It really is the best way to end the show. I made these stickers to commemorate Asian influences on the Pacific Northwest, but thought you and Ramen would appreciate personalized stickers. Hope you enjoy them. Benny at Immaculate Mixtape.

Check it out. They're little ramen stickers. Oh, that's awesome. Thank you very much. I will put one of these on his harness. I love these. Yeah, yeah. He's got one.

Oh, that's awesome. A little container that says ramen. That's perfect. You want to get one of those stickers, buddy? Cup of poodles. This little dude, little running running man. Oh, I guess it's like that. Yeah. Well, the other one makes it look

like he's dying. He's stuck in the noodles, which I like much better. One day when we play live, I will hand these over to you. And I will bring ramen. Perfect. You want to thank some people dan i sure do and first of all thank you to everybody who went to all those shows that

i did which haven't happened yet at the time of this recording uh i want to thank some Patreon supporters who go by some delightful names. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing with those two fingers? Thank you, Sean Allen. Thank you, Ben Feltz. Thank you, Herculoid. He was a Herculoid. Happier than Gloop and Gleep.

Thank you, Scotch McTiernan's weed-infused single malt. Thank you, Newbody. Thank you, some scared rat working through the trauma of that time there was a Sarah in her sewer sky. Thank you, you can keep your two fingers, give me a rat punch in the

b-hole? Totally. Thank you, Allie Allie Boballie. Thank you, 15 miles to the roar shack thank you ramen's spicy noodle thank you smegmas grundle grunge mounts a war donkey thank you zach moad dweeb thank you david w books thanks vasily the red thanks your local coca Coca-Cola guy. Thank you, Pants. Thank you, Sweet Heat Skeetles. Thanks, Pants. I'm wearing shorts today, but I know you like me.

Thank you, Tyler Carter. Thank you, Winchester Chesterfield Fieldhouse. Thanks, Megadong Pangalake, the lake with a big flat wiener and long balls. Like Brian. Remember that, Brian? When you had a big flat? Oh, yeah. Walking the plank wiener and long balls like brian remember that brian when you had a big flat yeah walking the plank wiener that was that was a good time in real life thank you lucifer's lusty lard ass thank you larry bead no thank you meow meow beans danny five thanks ramen the dogs low down korea town butter knife incident. Eh? He tried to eat a knife. It's like a peanut butter reference.

Thank you. No, he tried to eat a knife. Oh, I forgot about that. Thank you, Sparky the Unicorn of Woe. Thanks for Get the Hammer. Get to the bunny fluff stuff, Nathan. Eh. Thanks, Rover Diabetes. Thanks, Bob Zeus of Bob Zeus' Discount Hammers and Hammer Accessories.

Thank you, Short Name for Dan. Thank you, Goth Phillips, because emo wasn't dark enough. Thank you, Jason Yarn. And finally, thank you, Fizmin Mizzle Bizzins Discount Elixir. Is all the healing half the price? Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by?

Patreon supporters brought to us by... Slowly, but is brought to us by a transporter is brought to us by slowly but Shirley's husband poisoning bakery stick it to the man

or men. Open late, but never too late. Slowly, but surely. Husband poisoning bakery. Dan? Thanks, Blaine. I gotta tell you, I feel like we used to be sponsored by businesses,

and now we're just lately sponsored by upsetting people that you met in a dark alley in downtown Los Angeles. He has a bakery business where you have to buy the supplies for your murderers. What do you got against the mom and pops? Fair. You know what? I'm being discriminatory just

because I thought Blaine took $10 from somebody in an alley. I don't know. Sounds like Dan's working for Big Bakery. That's what it sounds like to me. Why do you love Starbucks so much, Dan? Are you? What if I just

adjusted? You saw I was wearing a Porto's name badge on the jacket. Listen, he's working for hostess get him porto started as an independent business all right i think it's time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker our heroes decided to go up a tower and kind of dig around in the dust forever and then they went down the tower, but kind of noisy. And then they did something that I thought was really funny. They ran in an iron gate for reasons that I am still unclear on and split the party. We're now taking to the combat already in progress. Okay. So, uh, up next in the combat order is going to be eight soldiers. If y'all want to head over to roll 20, I did during

the break, make us a little hallway map where there is a gate nearish the top you should all have control of your tokens because i am if nothing else efficient and so soldiers don't like how ronnie just stepped right up about here and stabbed a dude in the neck like pretty well they don't like that pretty well no they're kind of upset by it whatever ronnie you know did about 11 points of damage it looks like to one of these guys and uh they're all now going to attack ronnie and queep so off we go to the races um hey what's that weird green thing that doesn't look like all the other monsters weird green thing that doesn't look like all the other monsters? Weird green thing that doesn't look like all the others.

That's on your name, I think. When you zoom in? He's sort of like to the bottom of the other... Yeah, who is that guy? There is one soldier who looks like he's got fancier armor and is a little more desiccated than the others. Good eye. Yeah, and he's towards the back

of the middle line. So, Kweep, you have got what armor class, please? I won't let you... Let's see. you have got what armor class please where's my armor class? I don't know why don't you like you know like just take a casual oh sorry 16 over to the character sheet my menu wasn't pulled down completely 16 pull it down so you have got three hits against you.

This is going to be just the first round, too. These guys got multi-attack. So you're going to take... Maybe 19 points of slashing damage. They all rolled better than 18? Jesus. Yeah. Ronnie, you, I think, have an AC of 16.

Somehow, you're going to take less damage. It looks like only one person got a hit against you. Ronnie, you're going to take... You okay, Ken? Yeah, I'm okay. Ronnie, you're going to take one point of slashing damage.

Nice. God. And I'm going to reflect the attacking going on. I'm going to just sort of like scoot folks, baddie tokens round. And yeah, they're surrounding you guys uh then one of the soldiers is going to advance on queep one wearing the slightly fancier uh armor i'm gonna need a constitution saving throw from Queep.

That's a five. Cool. Then you are going to take... I'm confused. They all got better initiative than I did? They all attack at once, or do they take turns?

The way I do this is... You and Friar Jolly rolled an 18. than I did? They all attack at once, or do they take turns? According to me. The way I do this is, so you and Friar Jolly rolled an 18. Soldiers, I had roll as a group, and they got a 19. Got it. So they attack as a group. Yeah, it's a little ugly. By the way, while we're paused real quick, Friar Jolly, Kweep, what

are your dexterity? My dexterity is 14. Minus 14. I happily yield to my friend Queep. Great, yes. Great. So Queep is going to go first because you have the same dex. I was going to have you roll it, but I think

yielding is a delightfully simple way to handle this. Rather than be weirdly confrontational. No! I won't take it um and then yeah uh these guys all kind of like start just slashing and they're doing more to creep only one more attack in you in their second round but um and you're only going to take uh two more points of slashing damage but this guy in the fancier armor just sort of like pulls an armored gauntlet back and just

like rakes across your face and these icicles kind of spray out and your your neck kind of takes a pretty gory bit of ice damage. Frost damage. It's going to be five points of frost damage as well. It's a creep. Up next in the turn order is creep. Alright, I'm going to use my

Blade of Kukla boomerang feature. Great. And let's Blade of Kukla boomerang feature. Great. And roll to staunch. Well, that's a three to attack in my first roll. That's going to be a no thank you. And then a 20 on my second roll.

That's a hit. Which guy would you like to attack on the map? Right now, you are largely surrounded, except to the north where the gate is to your back. Well, I like to get as many as I can with my boomerang attack. Okay. So I would say you can get three or four.

I'll start with the guy in front of me. Oh, go ahead. Sorry. If you go south, you can get four without hitting Ronnie. Okay. I'll show you with the ruler. It's going to go kind of this way. then back you can you

can like hit a guy but otherwise you'd hit ronnie you're just gonna kind of go like and then back this way uh that's a what's a four? A nine. Sorry. Nine. Okay. Take a nine. And yeah, this really cuts through a bunch of them. Close quarters. You're surrounded by a lot of guys.

Can I get an athletics check to try to catch the dual blade of Kukla even though you are surrounded by soldiers. All right. Oops. That is a 15. Yep. You catch it, but you definitely get the impression that because there are so many bodies

around you, it's really hard to see where it's coming back. And there's a chance that you could drop it while this is happening and then i'm going to keep making you do those that'd be fun uh anything else you'd like to do sir uh i think that's it very well friar jolly you're up and yeah you know the the view from up where you are friar jolly as you might be able to tell from looking at the map. And I'll try and screen grab this. Anyone who wants to screen grab this. It's this big iron gate in front of you.

Too small to fit through, but you could get an arm or a spell through or an arrow through. Do we see a switch or anything in this room for the gate? Yeah, so I'll draw it, but there is an iron, like, peg stuck in what looks like a wooden wheel or something off to the left, and so I'm going to draw that because it's not in the image.

But, Friar Jolly, what's going on? All right, I will step up to the portcullis so i can get like sort of the best view of everything that's going on um i'll yell out to my friends get out of there they're swarming yeah and then i will cast i'm gonna cast scorching ray cast... I'm going to cast Scorching Ray at I guess just its regular second level, which means three rays come out. I roll an individual attack

for each of them. Fun. Alright. Alright, so... It'd be Flame Murder. A 25 to hit, a 16 to hit, a 16 to hit, and a 17 to hit. That's a hit. Okay, so two hits?

Yep. Okay, each of them is 2d6 of fire damage. So I want them to hit all on the same guy. So let's say whatever one's most... Actually, you know what? If I can, I would like to make it go after that different looking one back here. You got it. Great.

So the first Scorching Ray is eight. Bonuses to that. Does not look like it. And then three. So a total of 11 points of fire damage to that guy. All right. Yeah. You see him get lit up pretty bad and he roars with anger.

Anything else you would like to do, Friar Jolly? You know, just wish everybody the best day. Oh, this round of combat was brought to you by Hallmark. Da da da da da da. You know, just wish everybody the best day. Wow. This round of combat was brought to you by Hallmark. That'll bring us to Winifred. Okay. So I'm going to cast... I mean, this is... You're also up against this gate, yeah.

Yeah, it's going to have some collateral damage because they're so wedged in there, but... Whoopsie doodle. Oh, well. Because it's going to have some collateral damage because they're so wedged in there, but... Whoopsie doodle. Oh, well. Because it's all I can do. So I'm going to cast... Let's see. I think I'm going to cast...

Yeah, I'm going to cast Shatter at 4th level because it's the only slot that I have left. Better, better, better better better um and i'm guess i'm gonna cast it right let's see it's this is probably the best if i do it right here i think it'll do get these three guys and whoever sorry to this dude that dude is called ronnie yen of brian post and fame sorry i'm sorry ronnie but we gotta try to help you get some of these seven guys uh deck saving throws for shatter uh it is let's see it's like decks or constitution i'm pretty sure um constitution saving throw here those come hey brian can you do a constitution saving throw, please?

Absolutely. Thanks for nothing. What's the DC on this? 16. So you got to beat a 16, Brian. You got it. And so this is going to hit a ton of dudes. Damn it.

Only two of them made it. Sorry, Ronnie. Only two of them made it. Sorry, Ronnie. Only two of them made it, Sarah. Sorry, Ronnie. I will come heal you. Fuck, really? Yeah. Yeah. Hold on.

I'm so excited for this number, Sarah. Fuck you. Sarah, did you hear what Brian said? That's for you. I did. Was that for me? No. It was for Dan.

Oh. For me? Specifically for Dan. I will make it up to you. I'm going to heal you, but it's 23 points of damage. Or half that for people who made the save. How much? 24?

23. 23? Okay. For people who made the save how much 24 23 23 okay for people who need to save damn damn that's cold blooded you ever throw dead huh no nobody dies but does anyone get uh knocked back yeah i'm at half oh um let me see they um a creature made of inorganic material? No, none of them, right? No, that's it. Okay, so yeah, just an absolute massive explosion right on top of you, Ronnie,

and your ears are ringing. You do a lot of damage on the bright side, Braynor Fred, to it looks like one, two, three, four, five, six of the seven soldiers. Sorry, that's what I was trying to help. Ronnie, I know that we had no good options.

You know, he's on our side, right? Yes, I'm going to sing a song. Oh, that'll help. I'm going to sing, so he gets a bardic inspiration point. I'm just sing so he gets a bardic inspiration point I'm just gonna like strum and be like

I'm so sorry take this as my apology is it more as he yeah yeah he's my writing partner I'm in love with you fatty um so yeah so Yeah, he's my writing partner. You're playing I'm in love with you, fatty.

So yeah, so Brian, you have a bardic inspiration, which means that you get a 1d8 that you can add to an attack roll or an ability check or saving throw in the next 10 minutes during this fight. That's pretty great. Also, she hit you really hard. Don't ever forget. What's that, Brian? I'm sorry. I'm not healed though, right?

No, I can't. I got to get over to you to heal you, but I will. Or you could run to the gates and people could perhaps be of more assistance. Yes, I need to lay hands. Slingshot some good berries into your mouth. Up next. I don't mean Licky stops. Licky, what are you doing?

God damn it, Licky. Melanie's in the garage and Licky hears her, so she knows she's coming home from tennis. Oh, so Licky just wants to hang out with Melanie in the garage. Yeah. Or wherever Melanie's going.

As my cat awoos awoos outside the door anyone doesn't uh let him inside so that is gonna be bunk's turn up next bunk is not in a great position to do anything so let's see he's a little concerned about like the whole situation um and so he is in kind of a panic just like with his legs his tiny little halfling legs trying to like pull up the iron gate with his bare hands and it looks like he's like there's like a like kind of a twinkling of pink magic around his fists he's clearly trying to like use some sort of supernatural

ability to pull the gate up and it's just it's not happening why don't you just fart yourself over there the opening is not large enough I still need to be able to fit through it I'm afraid can't you donkey your way over there

listen bro I'm afraid. What about the teleportation? Yeah, can't you donkey your way over there? Listen, bro, I'm afraid it's a little bit of a jump. It's more of a jump than a teleport. You gotta go up. I meant to say it in a

congenial way. I'm not trying to pick a fight with you, Friar Jolly. I would never do such a thing. I'm just sort of stressed out. That's not true, and I'm afraid just, you know. All right. Sorry, everyone. I've let you

down. Oh, donkey gods, forgive me. Up next is going to be Dr. Ued. You're up. Am I able... I is going to be dr ued you're up uh am i able i'm gonna move up to the to the portcullis and i am going to uh fire a moonbeam and i'm gonna try to localize it can i can i ping it right here because i want to avoid i want to avoid doing any more damage to to donnie can i see how much moonbeam that was a favorite of season three that you busted out all the time uh and i remember there was something complicated about it i think it

sits there right it's a silvery beam of pale light keeps going. Yeah, it keeps going. Five foot radius, 40 foot high cylinder, centered on a point within range. It is engulfed in ghostly searing pain, constitution saving throw, takes radiant damage or half as much. Shapeshifter makes saving throw with disadvantage.

And then I can use an action to move the beam 60 feet in any direction so uh it's is is a five foot radius going to affect if i hit it like right in the middle of these three guys here will that affect donnie or queep uh let's see can you ping it again right where you're dropping it and this is just a very tricky thing one more time i'm sorry great so that's or maybe yeah if i put it maybe if i put it there it might be nicer okay that's only five feet wide so it's gonna hit one guy at a time okay well then i want to want to hit uh the the green the green guy rory calhoun so i tried to put a little moonbeam token in there

on the green guy who's now going to make a constitution saving throw he uh he didn't roll very well what was the dc saving throw that he's gonna need your spell save dc dc saving throw is constitution oh he rolled it he rolled a 13 what is the number he needs to hit what's your spell save dc oh my spell save dc is yeah is 15 oh yeah he he DC is... Yeah. Is 15. Oh, yeah. He beefed it. What's the damage? My son. Six and eight, 14. 14 points.

And I'm going to keep that just going on him as long as I can. Right on. Yeah, he bakes in the radiant damage. Very enraged, very pissed off. Up next is going to be Lucas. Lucas places the terrarium softly on the ground, gets down on his knees, and begins to pray. Up next is Ronnie, who trips on it.

Yeah, man. You're up. Who's that? Everybody's exploding and a-flaming and a moonbeaming all around you, but you are surrounded still by undead elven soldiers. I'm going to attack the closest guy, and I'm going to use my bardic inspiration from Sarah. Nice.

Great. So there are a lot of guys who are equally close you know i'd love to take swords right up against you uh yeah you can use like like um your bardic inspiration only on one of the attacks but you have more than one attack so you could attack like say the guy to your south you were wailing on and then a guy to your west i want to do the dude directly above me, above my head, and then the dude directly below me. The dude directly below you

is the one you have been attacking, so why don't we do the bardic inspiration. I'll hit him first. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you want to do that, include the d8 on this first attack. Okay.

It's on the attack roll, not the damage roll, right, Sarah? I think he can pick. Okay. It's on the attack roll, not the damage roll, right, Sarah? I think he can pick one. Well, Brian, before you roll your attack, tell me, would you rather get a bonus to your attack or your damage? He can do it after. I don't think I can add it to damage. He can, okay, yeah, but he can

actually decide whether to add it after he rolls, as I recall. Oh! So I don't need it on this first one. I got an 18. That's awesome. So he can choose after seeing the roll, but before knowing the outcome. That's a lot more leeway than most of these types of spells get. So yeah,

hold on to that part of inspiration. Roll your damage, Brian. Roll your damage. Six. I just rolled my own damage, and it says I'm sad. Six points of damage. What's your damage?

The guy to the south, he takes six points of damage. He's very pissed. He's been stabbed a lot at this point. Yeah, I want to finish him. I want to try to get... So then we're one down and then I'll have somebody right in my ass.

Great. Roll again. Yeah. And then... Oh, I'll have somebody right at my ass. Great. Well, again. Yeah. And then oh, I'll decide. Mm-hmm. Will 15 do it? Nope. You need a 17. You want to do that? Okay. What if I uh...

Mm-mm. Listeners, if you would like to know what the standard elven soldiers are based off of, you can head over to D&D Beyond and look at the Carnathi Undead Soldier. I got two from Sarah, but I'll take it. That'll work, right? Yep, that's just enough.

Roll your damage. Carnathi Undead Soldier. Five. Alright, how would you like to see this soldier die, sir? Nathy, undead soldier. Five. All right. How would you like to see this soldier die, sir? Splitting him in half at the torso. You get your sword, your arm blade, like right between the plates of his armor

and just carve upwards. His armor flies off of him and his chest cavity rips open spraying viscera all over the place yes i stuttered that was not the audio track skipping uh you i believe have your bonus action attack now where you can do an arm strike or flurry of blows it's hard not to stutter when you say viscera dan it's i know it's a horrible horrible thing i turn to the guy around who's who's shocked that his buddy's dead and i punch him in the face a bunch of times great

uh nine nine lemus you just you do that um that like agent smith like stomach thing where you just like punch punch punch punch but it's just like right off of his armor okay then we're gonna come

up to the soldiers so weep weep so sweep mm-hmm here let me slide under this rapidly descending portcullis we all tried to do this too that was what was great about it what's your

AC again sir 16 it's gonna be three hits perfect 16. Okay, so that's going to be three hits. Perfect. That's going to be 18 points of slashing damage to you, sir. And then Ronnie. Yeah. Got a bunch of dudes attacking y'all. You also have 16 armor class this is going to be one hit against

you more guys attacking ronnie yet he takes less damage because the rolls have been in his favor six points of slashing damage ronnie well that's not nice taint and then the captain is going to try to punch you in the stomach again with his frost gauntlets oh dick he misses and then everyone's taking their second multi attack against everybody

uh ken one more hit against you. All right. You're going to take five points of slashing damage. Ronnie, you're going to get hit twice this time. And you're going to take nine more points of slashing damage. Damn it.

Oh, I'm not looking good, guys. Come here. Aw. All right. Queep, you're up. I'm going to disengage and charge for the lever. Great. Now, can you use disengage as like a bonus action?

How's this going? I don't know. Disengage as an action? Yeah, so that would mean you don't get to... I have two actions. Two attacks per action. You do not have two actions. Got it.

So that's why I'm kind of like looking at your bonus actions here. You can rage as a bonus action. You have not done that yet. Okay. What I really want to do, though, is get that lever. Right, which I don't think you can do if you're disengaging as your action.

You can hurl your body against it, but it's going to be a pretty low chance of it succeeding. Alright, then I'll boomerang again. Cool, but you're going to be standing over by the lever this time. Oh, okay. If you want, well, it's up to you. That's right, you're using your action anyway. Sorry,

folks. You're going to dual blade a kugel boomerang instead of run. Right. Because if I... Yes. Sorry. It might have seemed obvious, but my brain farted. So, yes, please.

Roll your attacks. All right. That's a 20. Not natural. Oh, nice. Nice. Hit your damage. Nice. All right. that's a 20 not natural oh nice ease hit your uh damage nice all right and that is 15 chops through a bunch more guys blaine you seem eager to say something oh no i was gonna ask if uh if there are silent but deadly brain farts.

No. Okay. Just wondering. Gross. I mean, aneurysm. Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Sarah gets to make those, yeah.

Aneurysm. Aneurysm. Aneurysm. Aneurysm. It's Oprah Winfrey yep that's one time where I'm glad you explained the joke because I would have never Christ

one of my favorite sketches on Conan was when he had Oprah clip where she was like it was like a clip of her giving everyone a car like you're getting a car you're getting a car except when the curtain pulled up on stage it was was like a clip of her giving everyone a car like you're you're getting a car you're gonna car except when the curtain pulled up on stage it was just like a giant swarm of bees and the entire audience got attacked by bees and they use the same footage these the same footage

of everyone like screaming with joy oh no your b finger oh i haven't told you i I got stung by bees probably six times this summer what? what are you doing? is there like a hive out there? you gotta start buying your honey at the store Brian you can't keep reaching in there Brian stop blowing vape clouds into the beehive like a poo bear

I have a hive in my backyard and it's above my pool so I have to fish out live bees from my swimming pool all the time, and I try to help them, and they sting me for helping them.

Or they just land on me and I'll swat them off, and then I'll get stung, which is what happened the other day. He was caught in my fur on my back. Oh, my God. I went, what the fuck is that? And I pulled something in my fur on my back. Oh, my God. What the fuck is that? And I pulled something off my fur and he went dunk.

Wow. Right into my middle finger. Folks, if you had a Patreon... Patreon.com. Stepping on him is fun, too. Right in the arch. I got stung on the arch of my foot. Oh, my God.

Motherfucker. And I was like one-legged it around my... I'm so glad there wasn't a drone above me because I was just like one foot through my whole backyard like screaming at this bee. Well, it's dead now, if that helps. Don't think that when they sting you.

Yeah, well, and the one that got my hand the other day I smashed him with a lighter until he was like fucking dust just the blunt end of the just insane I'm trying to help the bees and then he just flips the bees forget it

they're already gonna die yeah but I'm trying to help him and he stung me I was just like yeah and it happened like I said, five or seven that many times. Five or six times. Can you get someone to come take the hive away?

I guess, but it's way... Have you been in my backyard? It's like a jungle back there. It's super overrun. Oh, it's one of the tall trees? Tall trees, yeah. I don't even know where it is. You need the bees. You don't want to... Yeah, for sure. No, but that's what I'm saying.

They can pollinate the bees in my yard. They're going to the front. I have them in the front, too, because of all the flowers we have in the front. I think if you get a bee expert... Top the tree down so it falls into your house. I think if you get a bee expert, they can attract them from the tree into a... Yeah. You already have like a net you can scoop them out with?

They bring like a rack and they put them out with? They bring a rack and they put them... Luckily, they've only gotten my wife and son once or twice, but I seem to get the most damage. Let me call my friend Stan. Speaking of damage, I'm at 11 points. Let's get back into this and try to see what happens. Okay, so that was

my first attack. I got it for 15. Yes, that's where we were. And now I have another action. I can only attack. I got it for 15. Yes, that's where we were. And now I have another action. I can only attack. I can rage. I'll rage. Against

the machine. And then I can only attack, right? I can't charge to the lever, you're saying. The way it works is you get two attacks per action. Rather than rage. It's helped, but you don't get two actions. Okay.

So I rolled to attack and rolled a two. But you're raging? Yeah. Oh, I can roll again or what? I don't remember what happens. You gain advantage on strength checks and saving throws. It's not the same thing. Plus two melee damage.

Yeah, so it's not going to help since I rolled a two. I'll be dead soon. Bye-bye. Up next is Friar Jolly. Friar Jolly is going to sort of close his eyes for a moment and summon the power

of the silver flame and reach out and cast mass healing word at fourth level which means that I think the only people who are hurt I can heal up to six people but I believe the only two right now who need help are uh Ronnie

and Kweet Does anybody else need healing? These guards have been hurt some. You know what? I'll just heal the guards. Okay. Perfect. No, I'll heal each of them for a total of... Oh, great. 11 points of damage.

Or sorry, healing. So they each get 11 hit points back. And then I'll look at Mildred and give her a wink and like, right, here we are. Too bad Ronnie doesn't have an arm after you blew it off, but, you know. Oh, I can undo all the damage

I did on the bad guys. Is that what you'd like me to do, Farajali? Oh, shit. Infighting, infighting. Seems like you want it all. You know what? I've learned in my years on the stage, you can't have it all, okay? You need to focus on

what you want at any given time. We're just having this conversation while they're fighting. The next Real Housewives of Dungeons and Dragons. Alright, so there's some healing going on also um before i end your uh turn far jolly i just want to note uh we didn't do your moonbeam damage dude failed his constitution uh saving throw so uh one second blaine we'll have you roll that damage uh far jolly um anything else you're doing with your turn? That's it.

Great, Blaine, roll the moonbeam damage on the captain of the guard. Eight and four, twelve. Okay. Okay. So he's continually getting hit by just this radiant damage. This beam coming from as if out of nowhere above,

just roasting the shit out of him. And then we're going to... It's like a regular Jeff Ross, this beam. Winifred, you're up. Okay. Let me just do the exact same thing again. I won't though I

So now that Here's the question Maybe this was answered When I was out of the room But um Now that Can I see the lever now? Because we couldn't see it before

But now that Queep has gone there Can I see where it is? You He Queep has not gone there he thought about going there um do a perception check i'll give you free

because i feel like we were looking for it the first time we were down here no one could see it right or could we i thought that's what happened um it was not an immediate visual range 16 yeah you can if you like like press your head up against you can see way off to the right just

barely in view there's like the edge of the the lever but you can't see the whole device can i use a mage hand on it uh how far can mage hand go 30 feet so let's see i think you probably can it looks like it's only like 20 feet. Yeah. Yeah, 15. 15 feet away. You can totally do it. Okay, so I'm going to try to mage hand to open the gate. Great. What is the weight it can lift? Weight it can lift? It can't

carry more than 10 pounds. Okay. You can use it to manipulate an object, open and unlock a container, store or retrieve an item. Yeah, it's something that it took two soldiers to move, so I'm just trying to think of how to do this.

I would say what ability is the mage hand? So that's gonna be just trying to see if there's something i can have you roll but i don't think so i think i'll just i'll give it to you um yeah yeah yeah let's just get a what was your perception check just get a reminder of what it was was 16 yeah so that's enough for you to see the lever, use your mage hand, and just pull the whole thing back. You hear a

and the portcullis comes up. Excellent. Well done. And more elves pour into the arena. I was going to say. And a large trapdoor opens in the ceiling where 90 harpies fly out of oh shit anything else for

your turn winfred um i think i'm thinking harpies quick reminder you now have quite a lot more movement options and you haven't used any of your movement. Yeah, I mean, I guess I'm going to back away. Okay. Now that I've learned that. Yeah, because they can rush you now too. Sounds good. Well, up next in the turn order, if you're done, is Bunk.

Bunk, very frustrated with his inability to do anything, is now going to blink right into the thick of it, right here, and start swinging. So he pulls back his Cutlass. Supreme. And his Scimitar. It says, for Donkey Land. He cuts into a couple of these guys.

One of them, he straight up beheads. He just, like, pulls his Cutlass back and his head goes flying. The other one, he stabs in the gut. And that's going to do it for his turn. Up next is going to be Dr. Uwud. You see him behead the guy to his immediate north who's been chopping at Kweep. Okay, I'm going to keep the pressure on the green guy. Six and... Oh, that's a...

Oh. This is not the moonbeam. The moonbeam is now going to get him at the beginning of his turn um and that is okay well then that's a concentration spell so if someone smacks you you have to roll to keep it but otherwise it's just going on in the background and you can do other stuff okay i'm just gonna uh i'm just brace i'm just gonna maintain my position and brace myself for any sort of attacks and keep that moonbeam on the guy okay do you want to you want to hold your action hold action great action i'm making a note that you're doing that remember that because

if uh things get different you're going to want to use that Up next is Lucas. He's continuing to murmur something to the brain in a terrarium. He is staying stationary just behind everyone and not paying attention to the fact that the portcullis is now up and he's a little more exposed. I'm going to come around to Ronnie. Ronnie, you're up. Attack. Great.

So right now you have five soldiers still around you. You've been doing most damage to the guy immediately up. Do you want to keep attacking him? In a second. Mm-hmm. This check brought to you by Wet Idea Perspirant and Odorant. Let him see a sweat with Wet Idea. Alright, I'm just gonna keep doing

what I'm doing. Sweet! Roll them attacks! Yeah. I wanna see that sweet, sweet damage. Roll well 15 hit right not I want to roll your next attack all right this is that brought to you by kaleidoscope the mouthwash makes your mouth taste like a fucking nightmare kaleidoscope 22 hits that is a hit, yeah. Roll your damage. Also, I'm rolling my damage.

Six. Cool. How do you want to see that guy immediately to your north die, Brian? I try to stand up. Do you want to, like, describe this bro, bro, bro, bro? I, uh...

Yeah, I just, like, cleave his head off and I say, uh, don't lose your head. Ha ha! Classic! Too late. You did.

You still have your bonus section if you want to flurry to blow someone, Brian, or unarm strike somebody. Yeah, the dude next to him. Great, roll that attack. 17. Oh, hell's bells that's a hit roll your damage fucking 9 it's a language

hex bex please how would you like to see this guy die uh I I punch his face in like uh the kids throwing rocks in the first hostel. I just cave his head in. It looks like I smashed an old pumpkin.

Awesome. And gross. Between the shatter and the dual-bladed kukula and the melee attacks coming in here and there, these guys are starting to look pretty rough with the exception of the guard captain, who is, although being roasted by a moonbeam, hanging in there and looking pissed. Still not looking like the fight's quite over, but I think with those last couple of guys going down, it would feel a little bit better for y'all.

So up next in the turn order is gonna be them on forge so they're gonna keep oh hmm yeah i would say one of them is gonna focus on both r both Ronnie and Queep each. Two misses. Two sixes plus six. So they miss, and then they're going to swing again, and then the captain's going to go. Oh, we got a crit on Queep. How about some quiet critting?

No. No. No. It's going to be pretty loud. 16 points of slashing damage on you, Queep. I have resistance to slashing now that I'm raging. Nice. Oh, so go ahead and have that, please. Okay.

What was that? 16, you said? Yeah, 16. So bring that down to an eight. Got it. And then the guard captain is going to take a grab at Bunk. Okay, he grabs Bunk by the throat, and you just see icicles shoot up through Bunk's face, and he goes stiff.

Bunk is now being lifted up off the ground. So that's what he's up to. We're going to get one more miss on Queep and a hit on Ronnie. Ronnie, you're going to take seven points of slashing damage. But you just got healed, so you're

alive, right? Yeah. but you just got healed so you're alive right yeah and then coming around the bend it's going to be queeped queep you're up isn't uh damage time from that moonbeam on there oh it is thanks for the reminder moonbeams that's what i i was trying to remember about moonbeams it's that i forget every single round that they're supposed to go. And then I remember weirdly in the middle of Chris's turn later. Yeah, roll that Moonbeam damage, Blaine. 19.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Roll that damage. Wait, is that 19 points of damage? You rolled 19 points of damage, right? Yes. Yeah. Great. Okay. Cool. um wait is that 19 points of damage you're real 19 points of damage right yes yeah great okay cool so

he's looking pretty rough all of a sudden as it just slices into him yet again then Queep you may go please Kakaraku blade boomeranging you you goof ass bird that is a

11 I will use a luck point oh and try again Boomeranging. You goof-ass bird. That is a 11. I will use a luck point. Oh. And try again. You're a lucky cockatoo. That's a 21. Sure is a hit. Roll your damage.

All right, then. roll your damage. All right then. Uh, my damage is... The magic number for fun is you want six points at least. Seven. So you chop

through two of these guys, and the guy immediately to your south dies. How would you like to see that happen? Uh, he just sort of... He's cut in half and then sort of peels aside to both sides. Great, and yeah, he's leaning at, like, an angle, and it slices him at an angle, too, so there's a nice solid, like, deli meat, like...

as he peels apart. Deli meat. Yep. Don't let your pimento loaf... All right alright second attack focusing just on this guy because I think I would hit people if I boomeranged

that is a 5 so ng that is a miss will that do it for you sir yep can we disengage nope that's fine that's that's fine that's fine all right also you don't need to move that lever anymore because this right winifred just mage handed it

got it perfect coming up on fire jolly how you doing over there chris good uh i'm going to, again, summon the power of the Silver Flame. And this time I'm going to cast Toll the Dead on the leader. Okay. The captain. They have to make a DC 16 wisdom saving throw. Oh. Not his specialty? He's got street smarts, but not too much wisdom it's gonna be a 21 well

Dan fuck you straight to hell I'm already there that's it it's a cantrip so nothing ah okay then we're gonna come to winter fred um i've like run out of everything basically um yeah you guys have been running hot for a while yeah let's just sing some old jackson brown songs or something um yes i can um kill someone i can um i can i'm gonna i'm gonna viciously i have to get closer i think to viciously mock who's the guy who's who's i'm gonna run up here can you ping the guy that i that is the closest there's only one there's a one main guy yeah the guy he's like just to the right of queep the east of queep there There's one dude. Otherwise, pile of bodies. A couple guys by Ronnie.

Okay, I'm gonna... So I'll go for that one guy, the main guy, and then... The main guy or the closest guy? The main guy is kind of like the captain who's got bunk. Although he's next to Ronnie, but yeah. I'm gonna go for him, the guy with bunk. Okay.

And I'm gonna unleash a string of insults laced with subtle enchantments at him he needs to be able to hear me but not necessarily understand me and I'm just gonna tell him like your parents are ashamed of you your legacy is dust

you've ruined your parents are ashamed of you. Your legacy is dust. You've ruined, you've ruined your life. The stories of your people will be buried beneath the earth for none to hear. And, I hope everyone's writing this down for next time a bill collector calls them. He's gonna, and as I'm doing that, I'm also obviously

playing a beautiful little accompanying sure so what's he rolling a saving throw he needs to roll a wisdom saving throw 16 it's gonna be a six cool not so lucky fifth level right we are fifth level right yeah we're eighth level okay so he's gonna take okay this is not gonna do much because it is also a cantrip but i will i will just unsettle him just you know set him a teeny oh come on could have been better than that though well he takes three points of damage but emotionally he takes a lot more sarah how would you like to see him die oh that moonbeam was really cracking his nut good job lane so i so that final straw that broke him was um was the realization of like the death of his legacy and that everything he had fought for is ultimately nothing um and as he realizes that like the light goes from his eyes and a single

tear rolls down his desiccated face he collapses horrible that is very sad uh we'll call that tear made of the same black material that their blood is and eicher was the word i was looking for eicher uh it looks like eicher rolls down his cheek as he collapses and dropsicher was the word i was looking for eicher uh it looks like eicher rolls down his cheek as he collapses and drops bunk on the floor in an unconscious heap we'll have to find out how the rest of this goes on the next episode of nerd poker sam how are you doing i'm doing good everybody all right this episode uh starting from the beginning we all made fun of dan because he didn't defend uh slow shirley's bakery from the commercial, we all made fun of Dan because he didn't defend Slow Shirley's Bakery from the commercial, but my friends went there to get

a wedding cake and she wouldn't make it because they were gay. So she's not as cool as you would think. So big bakery all the way. Also, it's been a while since I've asked one of these questions. Ken, I know you're a bird. Are you a bird with a boomerang? I have a double

bladed axe that acts as a boomerang. This game is the shit. Winifred tried to murder Ronnie Yang for some reason. Ronnie is finishing people in the murder way, not the making them come way. The captain is a real prick. We learned about all the bees that have betrayed Brian. We got the portcullis open.

Bunk pulling his weight, cutting heads off. Ronnie's cutting heads off too. Blaine, did you say quiet? What was your quiet quitting joke? Oh, I wish it was. What was it?

Ryan was quitting. Oh, quitting. Quiet critting I heard that I can't stand you I can't so much I felt pretty bad saying it flawless execution bunk takes me some icicles to the face and finally we ended Winifred given out the sickest burns I've ever heard in my entire life. Right on. I've got books in the comic book shop. Secret History of the War on Weed is still available on Single Issues. And I might put some signed stuff up online soon, and I will announce it here.

And you can also get brand new Halloween party, Scott Tiernan's Halloween party through Image Comics. It's our Jesus Schwarzenegger Stallone kind of animal game. And it's just us having fun with 80s type ultraviolence. And kind of like how conservative that was back in the day, but this guy's rebelling against that. Anyway, check it out. It's funny and violent.

And then I'm on tour at BrianPersane.com. Sacramento coming up in December. Yeah, I've got PAX Unplugged coming up in december in philadelphia the tabletop gaming convention come say hi i'll be running cortex games tales of zadia games and on a panel out there hanging out at the booth come say hi the direwolf digital booth is the booth i will be at and of course thanksgiving is coming up so if you're out in sacramento california i'll be as i always do every thanksgiving keeping up the tradition of going out to truckee california just northeast of there to dr swartle's turkey preservation where of course he genetically engineers turkeys

to be large enough to ride and take down human civilization so i'll be out there riding a turkey in the east sacramento to scare children children in the middle of the night. And they'll probably issue a curfew like they usually do. And I haven't had the turkeys actually raid anyone's homes yet, but they're large enough to. And I think I might try it this year. Blaine, what do you think is going to happen next week? We attribute the success to save mankind from it. Thanks for joining us on this episode.

You got walls and a roof. Well. and Colleen from... Thanks for joining us on this epi... You got walls and a roof? Well... All of X Nerd Poker. What has four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon,

and three legs at night? Chris and his magical leg machine! All this and movement at my front door, all on the next Ring Camera. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069

Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.