Nerd Poker - S5E17 Free the Portcullis

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

If progress is to be made towards the lich's keep, first this small sample of his army must be dealt with. And if you're looking for some classic decaptitations, boy do we have an episode for you!

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season 5. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. Hope you're well.

My friends are here. We're going to do a little nerd poker. How do you feel about that? Dan. Hey, buddy. Oh, hello, Brian. It is good to see you on this fine Wednesday morn. Going to do episode 17, you think?

I sure hope so. If we do another episode, the linear timeline will be really thrown off. Oh, God, I don't want to do that. My timelines are complicated enough. Yeah, Chris is here. Brian, go with me here. What if we did episode 500 right now? Okay. All right, cool. Easy.

I'm easily convinced. That was fun. Sarah's here. Now we're in the future? We're doing episode 500. What's happening? Tell Blaine. Blaine.

Yeah? We're doing episode 500. Oh, okay. I thought we were doing episode 498 with two fingers up your ass. That was two weeks ago. Ken's here. I say we do the whole season in the future. All right. 498 with two fingers up your ass. That was two weeks ago. Ken's here. I say we do the whole season in the future.

All right. All right. Sam, you ready? Jetsons nerd poker. Here we go. How are we doing, sweet children? Hello, sweet children. Welcome to the future. Look how tall I got. Wow. Oh. We're really just going to do episode 17. I hope no one got super excited. Oh, look how short I got. We're really just going to do episode 17.

I hope no one got super excited. Look how short I got. I was just adjusting all my notes. I was going to put the word laser in front of all the Patreon names. Let's get in. You want to thank some people in the future? Yeah, I would

love to thank our Patreon supporters. Thank you guys so much for keeping this podcast alive. You are all a delight. I would love to thank our patreon supporters thank you guys so much for keeping this podcast alive you are all a delight i would like to thank patreon users who go by names like laser smile a while for me laser don't gentrify the dildo district laser huckle mcfuckleberry's good luck pants tuck i can't keep this going thank Thank you, Smokey the Bugbear Knows What Sarah Did. That's a fire reference. Thank you, Mary Jane Posain. Thank you, OSE. Thank you, Jacob Livermore.

Thank you, Marion the Octogenarian Barbarian. Thank you, My Stimulus Check. Oh, okay. I hope that's still coming through for you. Thank you, A Series of Characters That Are Not English. oh okay i hope that's still coming through for you thank you a series of characters that are not english thank you sub optimal dad's tight ice five thank you has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do more like all right sure that was hang on i blacked out thank you dan's dick biting dungeon thank

you wolves ate my house thank you mr hands colonoscopy and gastroenterology clinic thank you kevin welch thank you dr balls paging dr mf balls thank youotage the cats. Thank you. Robert Nichols. Thank you. Let twig. Thank you. Billy's cinder block airport bag. Thank you. Danny's Bahamut sized math class. Oops boner. Thank you. Natural 22. If I have to explain

I'm sending money to the wrong podcast. Thank you. JJ Lee. Thank you. Brack Obama. Thank you. Potato. Thank you. Brack Obama. Thank you, Potato. Thank you, Two Crows Eating a Dead Rat. I like that. It's gross. Thank you, No Answee.

And finally, thank you, the emotional rollercoaster that is waiting for Dan to read your Patreon name each week. Blaine, who were those supporters brought to us by? Those supporters brought to us by? Those supporters brought to us by LaCroix Beef, still technically vegan. Shorts, when there's no time for pants, there's time for shorts. And Maggot Chow.

Chow, chow, chow. Down on a possum in a pond. Dan? Thanks, Blaine. Gross. I am wearing shorts today, today though So thank you for honoring The shorts And speaking of shorts It's time to talk about

What happened last time Who wears short shorts I wear short shorts Me wear short shorts they wear short shorts they wear short shorts there's so many references that I'm like I know what they're saying but this happened when

they were 15 and I was 9 so I don't really know what the fuck is happening it's not even true you probably were I was 7 I think when that fucking Nair thing aired how old are you brian very old okay it's not polite it isn't but you know what i thought i'd go for it out of friendship support reasons i'm 56 lady lady lady lady lady lady lady lady lady lady lady

well that was blaine's new recap. He's doing him for now. They're a little abstract. I hope you guys followed what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Sounded a lot like just singing, but that's it. No, just kidding. You guys are mid-combat inside the walls of the castle of

Vendaria. Undead soldiers strewn about everywhere. Their evil undead corpses twitching in the torchlight. Only some sort of captain and some other dude remain. It looks like things are headed your way.

Well, well, hang on. Let me actually look at the map. No, there's three dudes. Uh, but one of them is a captain. Like, you're doing pretty good. Um, if I had to judge your tactical choices so far I'd say Kweep was pretty you know making good use of the dual blade of Kukla say you know dr. Ruin you're maybe playing it a little too safe on the back line holding your action this far into combat. You know, good job getting up in the fray there, Ronnie.

Win a Fred, fire Jolly, good spelling, spellcasting or whatever. I'm just a narrator. I don't really know what to say here. I take you now to the podcast, which should have already started by now. And up next in the turn order is Bunk. But first, is there any questions you guys had because it has been a week? No? No, but

fellow players, I'm going to need some health at some point. Yeah, how are we all doing? Like I said, you guys, numbers as far as who's still standing are pretty good. I got a little help last time, but I'm still low. I'm 16 out of 51.

If we get into another fray, I'm going to hate you. Yeah, we're going to have to have you some. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know, like, before I do get into an NPC, fighting an NPC, which I know is incredibly engaging for y'all, we were having a bit of pre-talk. Did you guys want to rehash some of that for listeners? Just about like the kinds of spells,

Sarah, you were mentioning that you could maybe be using. I was just saying that I had completely forgotten when we were fighting and that they're all undead. I don't know why, because we were talking about desiccated faces and everything. I just was remembering that there's probably some stuff that they're resistant to and figuring out if there's any undead specific things that we can do

in the future. But yeah, I'm out of spell slots. I think we haven't rested in a really long time, so I'm low. Yeah, you guys, I think have maybe only done a short rest. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you guys, once you got into the castle, you kind of kept moving

pretty quick. Yeah. We can get more into that as we go just thought it might be helpful to listeners to know in case they've been screaming into their earbuds why will they not cast a turn on dead or some like that i'm not sure we have it but we're all now analyzing and up next is bunk bunk is up there near the guard captain, and he is going to take a couple of swings at that dude. His armor, the guard captain, the evil undead one, is a little fancier, and his face is a little more exposed than everyone else out of, you know, that maybe warrior pride of like, I'm not afraid.

That's going to be a hit and a hit. Um, that's going to be a hit and a hit. So he takes his scimitar and, uh, what is, what is this other one? Technically a long sword and just hacks hard into this guy. Um, and then he actually springs back and disengages, which he has the ability to do, uh, just to give himself a little bit of room because he's been hit a few times and he's much like Ronnie, feeling the weight of the battle.

That'll do it for him though. And guess what? Dr. Uwud, I was teasing you for it. You've been holding your action in case someone came at you and no one did. Oh no, I thought I was using the moonbeam on that main guy. I thought I was just... Yeah, you were, but that hasn't happened yet this episode

where, like, I think it's the end of his turn, right? When does that move? Well, I guess if he... I can just keep it on him. Yeah, until... It's a concentration spell, so until I break it, I can just keep doing damage on that guy automatically.

When he starts... Yeah, when he starts his turn... Wait, when he starts or everyone starts a turn? I think maybe on his turn, he can roll. He has to... If he's still in it at the beginning of his turn, he has to roll... I think it's a saving throw constitution save.

Um, however, that is not your action moving it. You just move it. So you were holding an action. I was, I was teasing you a little bit and I'm not trying to rub salt in the wound, but like you can use your action separately from keeping going. You can use your action separately from keeping this guy going. Well, then I'm going to just move up. I'm going to move my guy while I'm keeping this thing on him up to here, I guess, and just get ready to start fucking people up.

Great. Does that make sense? I'm just going to move. Yeah, and if you zoom in, too, you can kind of see there is... I did like a little moonbeam like a pale blue token around the captain's token just so you can kind of like know I know it's there and it hasn't been his turn yet but when it is he will

hang on let me shoo the dog he's trying to eat the cat litter get out of there get out of there Ernie my dog have you seen people that put shoes on their dogs a lot of shoes on dogs lately like not like wearing these little dog nike aqua socks well very mean to the dog it might be mean but also you know i i can't speak to y'all but i know some of y'all have had dogs my dog often chronically

licks his feet until they're raw so i would do something like that to stop him from licking his feet until they're raw you know blaine also uh in the summer the cement is super super super fucking hot on their yeah yeah yeah that's part of it i get all i mean i get all the the the benefits from it but just as a dog they're like i need i need that to you know yeah they need those well and we live in l.a too mavis hates her feet touched i couldn't imagine putting socks on Mavis because you can't even fucking touch your feet. I am one of these people though.

Look at the Halloween scarf I got for my cat that I make him wear. Let's see if you can see it. He hates it. But it's got little tombstones and coffins and witch hats on it. So I make him wear it. Because it's my little tombstones and coffins and witch hats on it. So I make him wear it. Because it's my favorite holiday. Yes.

So, Dr. Uid, you move up. I'm just moving and I'm going to keep doing damage on that guy if he doesn't do his thing. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he can't move until he's rolled that constitution save anyway. So he is going to probably take some damage. Eight and a nine is, uh, seventeen. To do what? I guess damage from my moonbeam

on that guy. Not yet, not yet. Start his turn, my fine friend. Uh, but on your turn, you are welcome. Right now, you kinda moved your dude, your token, closer. Uh, you could take a melee swing at that guard who's, just uh like northwest of

you you just kind of ran past him but you're not out of his uh melee range so he doesn't get an opportunity attack or anything he's kind of behind you ish okay uh yeah i'll i'll uh i'll lay something on him can i do a thorn whip or is that gonna break my concentration well what did when you rolled a 17 did you add a melee attack to it? It won't break your concentration unless you do another concentration spell. I would roll a different thing for that one. It's a different damage. Okay.

Yeah, the 19. That thing I rolled was for the moonbeam damage. Yeah, you don't need to roll to hit with the moonbeam. What happens is he, on the beginning of his turn, will roll a constitution saving throw, and then depending on how he fails, he will, or succeeds, he'll take some damage. Okay.

Well, I'll do a thorn whip, I guess. It's a cantrip. You know what I'll do, Dan? I'm going to run up there, I'm going to stop the moonbeam, and I'm going to thorn whip this guy on the way past. I have great news. I don't believe thorn whip is a concentration spell. So you can bust out the thorn whip and smack him with the thorn whip

and keep the moonbeam going on him. If someone else would like to chime in on this who is currently playing the game, that would be great. Because then listeners won't yell at me three weeks later when this is published. On what, Dan? Thorn Whip. Is that Concentration Spell? That's a cantrip. Yeah, well, the Concentration Spell and Cantrip aren't mutually exclusive, I don't think.

But it doesn't look like it is, so I'm pretty sure that you can just just thorn whip the shit out of a dude while running moonbeam okay well i got a uh i got a uh 16 on a thorn whip attack all right let me check now i got like three tabs away uh that is a miss unfortunately oh okay after all that jazz and i can confirm it's not a concentration spell. So, although you're not like doing damage on this turn per se, on his turn he will roll and if he fails, he'll take the full moonbeam that

I'll let you roll and if he succeeds, he'll take half. Alright, cool. Thank you, Dan. Yes. I think that's it for your turn from what I'm vibing. Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Next is Lucas. So Lucas has been hanging out.

You'll remember Lucas is your friend from the past who is frozen. You guys basically found the abandoned elves of your wing of the castle. And Lucas was frozen in time. abandoned elves of your wing of the castle and Lucas was frozen in time he's back there with you Winifred he's been kneeling and like praying to the brain of King Eldrin

which is floating in a little glass terrarium dome thing he appears to be muttering something silently like his lips are moving and his eyes are closed and his hands are pressed against the window he's like five feet to your west

your left is your facing south Ronnie you're up ooh what do I got in front of me a lot of possibilities. It's a really exciting point in your career. You know, the future's looking bright, so much so

you might have to wear shades. To your left, the guard captain has a moonbeam cutting into him and he's like, ah, because he just got stabbed in the back a couple of times by Bunk. And to your right is a lesser guard who's actually got blood pouring out of the seams of his nail. Those are the only two?

Yes. Also, the blood is black and purplish and gross. And is that Blaine trashing him, or who's fucking up that guy on the right? The guy with the moonbeam? That's Blaine's spell that he's running on. Oh, no. No, I meant the other person. You've just been hashing into him a lot. Like, he's sustained a lot of attacks.

Oh, right. Okay. You're one of several people who've slashed into him. Okay, I'll keep going then. Great. Let's roll the hits. Little arm blade action. Blaine, what were some of the hits?

From the back section. Oh, what? I was pimping you into doing improvised. Do I have any sort of support or anything to roll? I mean, I love you. You're my friend. Okay, then I probably didn't make it. It was just 7 plus 6, 13.

Probably had to hit 15. It's 17 to hit these guys. They are heavily armored, unfortunately. I'm going to take another hack. Okay. This one's even worse. I'm getting tired, you guys. 10.

Brian's character stamina is affecting his real life ability to roll a dice. Oh no, no. I'm not tired. I'm wide awake today. But my character. A flurry of blows or do I not have that? Yeah, you can use your bonus action. Yeah, two attacks per action

and then you have in addition to that this bonus action. Alright, I'm going to try. I'm just going'm just gonna swing at him great it's taking me so long to figure out how to use monks i'm grateful you've done it for another season so i can do it right more 19 that's a hit so that's a hit and a terrible song also i've got uh four uh points of damage against him. All right. Kerrang, you go with your weapon and he starts to go limp. How would you like to see that guard guy die? He's the one to the left on roll 20. If you guys all look, I'll grab a screen, grab a plan.

I put my... My fist just goes through his nose and then into his face and then I kind of have to shake my fist loose classic jack-o'-lantern mishap as you kind of like shake him loose he falls heavily to the floor

almost spraying your wrist a little bit trying trying to shake this, you know, 300 pound being off of your wrist. Sounds good. So that guy's down. Right now there's only two enemies visible. Ronnie, will you do a perception check, please? Absolutely. Absolutely.

You know, I have a really high bonus for perception. Nice. Thank God. I think you were being sarcastic. No, I rolled a one. I mean, I got, so I got my plus six. So it's seven, seven in perception. Well, that's not great, but yeah, that was a botch, unfortunately.

I'm not going to give you like a harsh botch table thing for it because it was just a perception check, but I'm going to kill this guy. Don't really notice anything unusual, but... Do I use binoculars and then accidentally get ink around my eyes because those guys put like black ink around the binoculars? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you don't really notice it, but you do sneeze and you take out your handkerchief and kind of sneeze in handkerchief.

And as you pulled away, you've got a black mustache from shoe polish also. Got it. Someone's really fucking with you and it's really unfortunate. But of course, as a side gig, you are Professor or Detective Clouseau or whatever that guy's fucking name is. Hey, I blow up. gig you are professor uh or detective cluso or whatever that guy's fucking name is so then next turn is going to be the soldiers weep you're about to get an opportunity attack and dr uid you're both about to get an opportunity attack oh nice please roll your double opportunity attack.

Both of you realize, oh, wait, what the hell? You kind of have this one guard flanked and he's looking around at all the bodies and he's starting to bolt towards the wall. What did you guys get? Seven plus 7, 14. I'm afraid

that is a miss. 13? If it's an opportunity, just a regular roll, yeah. It's a regular melee attack roll with your primary weapon. 13. Yeah, both you guys unfortunately whiff as this guy runs past.

Can I get from Dr. Uwud and Kweep their own perception check, please? There's the 19 when I needed it, plus 423. Hell yeah. There's my big six when I needed it. Gross. I mean, six is big enough so you like both uh kind of like turn to follow creep you've only you're really the only one who's got like a good vantage point on this but you notice um you know he's really tried to like duck around everybody so he's kind of tired he's not

really able to um like use his act he's already used his action the dash basically like he can't use it but you see he's grabbing what looks like some sort of brass tube coming out of the wall which I will give you an insight check on on your turns if you want it but right now I'm not going to give a

freebie to anybody I just I'm doing a freebie perception that will be his turn the other remaining guy is the captain buddy. I just, I'm doing a freebie perception. That will be his turn. The other remaining guy is the captain. Dan, can I ask a question? Yes. That guy running away,

wouldn't he also go past, don't Bunk and Ronnie also get an opportunity to attack? So I'm trying to figure out his path. So he was here, right? Yeah. He kind of i'll i'll try and use the ruler a little bit or no here i can i can use it i can draw let me draw real quick um is he going to reason the reason he used dash is because he kind of like here actually that's

not even right because he's trying to avoid, but he was like, cutting through here. I think what you did alert me to, Friar Jolly, is that you would also get an opportunity attack, or Winifred would. At the very least, he would be like, doing that. Like, he didn't have enough to go like, er, er, er, er, er, er, er. So I will say since you called it out, Fire Jolly, why don't you also take an opportunity attack as he runs way like zigzaggy to try and get to the wall ASAP. Okay. And then I will give you, well, I'll say you can take Dr. Ud's reception check and I'll say your character. It's a 2040. Oh, yay.

Seven points of bludgeoning damage as I brain him with my mace. Amazing. Jesus, Lord. These guys are amazing brains. Fire Jolly, how would you like to see this gentleman die? I would like to see when i hit him with my mace uh his head and neck turn into a comedy accordion and it kind of all squishes down

and goes up and down and then he just all splooshes on the ground at like like as he's running that accordion effect is going into motion like he keep he's he's putting all his soul what's left of it into just booking it to the wall and you see like your mace strike his neck is just bobbing around like a little as he's running the wall and he sort of collapses in front of the wall and you all see there's some sort of brass uh tube sticking out of the wall where he collapses collapses in an accordion-like uh neck-hazing. Um, that is almost it, but what I was about to do before Farajali realized he could murder

somebody, can you please um, stand by, Blaine? I'm gonna do this constitution saving throw for the guard captain. He's gonna what, can you remind us what the spell save DC is? Uh, spell save DC is, Va? Spell save DC is 15.

He rolled a 15. So please roll damage, but he's going to take half of it. There you go. 11. So five or six, whatever. Chef's choice. Yeah, he grits his teeth. It hurts.

He's not quite dead. Ronnie, he decides to take his anger out on you. What's your AC, sir? 16. Okay, so first swing, he misses. Second swing, he cuts into you with a 20. Ooh.

Unnatural, so no crit damage. But you will be taking... 10 points of slashing damage as he gets you across the middle. Damn, yo. Still standing? Yeah, I need help, friends. I'm a friend in need. A friend with weed is better.

You said 10 points, right? Yeah. I'm afraid so, yes. Yeah. And then, now that he is gone, Weep, you are up. I'm going to charge him and try to push him away from Ronnie. Great.

What is that, like a strength check? Yeah, that'll be a straight strength check. Pardon me, I was just looking at the map and thinking about life. That's cool. Great, I love being alive. Okay. So that is a... Five stars. Sixteenth

strength. I'm going to have him contest that. He is rolling... Also a sixteen. Son of a booby so I would say yeah you're like both just kind of like strangling at each other

alright well for my I'm just going to attack him with my dual blade of kukla okay and is a 13 to hit Okay, and that is a... 13 to hit.

Ooh. So that's a miss, sir. Do you have any other attack actions? Was that two attacks? Was the charge an attack? Well, charge, is that an action? Did I just give you a freebie? Yeah, that could that an action did I just give you a freebie pretty sure you are spent attack cast a spell dash disengage dodge

help hide ready search use an object opportunity attack grapple shove improvise two weapon fighting interact with an object that was a shove and that was your attack action yeah I kind of gave you a freebie but I'm looking to see two weapon fighting interact with an object. That was a shove, and that was your attack action, yeah. I kind of gave you a freebie, but I'm looking to see if there's anything else you can do, because it is a little confusing, and I would

like to... You still haven't gone into rage yet. You could go into rage, but it does feel like things are winding down. Oh, I am raging. I was raging before. I now see you have the token selected, but it took a second to load because internet. That'll do it for you yes and next prior jolly well i mean i see

my bestie is in trouble so i will run up. Nothing like somebody over 40 saying besties. And I'm gonna place my hands on Ronnie's broken, fragile body and cast at third level Cure Wounds.

And Ronnie, you get back 19 hit points. Oh, nice. back 19 hit points. Nice. I'll take it. And I'll sort of like, I'll sort of come up behind him like,

I got you, bestie. Don't worry. You're safe in my arms. I don't know if I want him. Oh. No, I'll take it. I stab you for 19 hit points. Oh, God. How do you stab him with a mace? That sounds really painful.

Hmm? Is there, like, a sharp part? It's got perks on it. I picture it's got, like, a sharp edge, and you, like, grab the, like, wrong side of it with two hands and just kind of, like, poke him with the mace. I've just got my hands on maybe just the edge of his armor and just sort of gently like here we are out of cigarettes holding hands and yawning very romantic it is oh my gosh i felt the violins kick in. So then that brings us to Winifred.

That was what I was going to do. Jolly beat me to it. Sing that exact song? Oh, okay. Yeah, actually. I docked my cap to you, m'lady. So I guess I'm going to... Oh no, he's an incel. I guess...

You're wearing a cap and you called her m'lady. I appreciate the chivalry narrator. I'm old timey. Oh, that's what it is. Excuse me. Chivalry dimmers. It's hard to tell the difference between player characters and non-player characters, at least on my screen. So there's only one.

Oh, sure. Let me help you out. So there's only one left. He's this undead dude. He's kind of like the bottom right corner of a cube full of tokens okay so i'm going to um i'm gonna viciously mock him i'm gonna on my loot and i'm gonna tell him uh that um even by undead standards, he is repugnant and has the face of a dusty ball sack. Oh my God. Damn.

Dusty ball sacks have the ugliest faces. No, his face just looks like this, you know. Oh, okay. I thought you meant like each ball sack has a face and his is quite unattractive. I don't know a lot about ball sacks, but I'm pretty sure they don't have faces. Well,

the sides of them look very different. Well, when you put googly eyes on them, they could be fine. That's fine. Can I just briefly pause? I think the phrase googly eyes makes me laugh every time for reasons I can't quite pin down and also putting them on things makes me delighted.

So please, Blaine, I never want you to show me your ball sack, but if you must, please put googly eyes. time for reasons i can't quite pin down and also putting them on things makes me delighted so please blaine i never want you to show me your ball sack but if you must please put googly eyes all right and i'll do it so he's roll i know he's rolling he's rolling a uh which saving throw uh he is rolling a we just minimize that. Why would I do such a thing? Why would you undercut the self-esteem of that window? Sorry, I'm doing so many bits today. I need to calm down. Okay, so he is going to wisdom.

Wisdom saving throw. 16. He is unfortunately rolling high. I'm just checking to see if he takes a penalty. Nope. It'd be a 19. Too bad. It's still like hurt his feelings.

I don't think he's going to come to your next birthday party. He wasn't invited. Anything else? I believe that's all I can do. Understood. Thank you for being honest and not trying to trick me for I am a goof. Up next is going to be Bunk. Bunk is up next.

He looks at what he sees. He kind of nods at how handled the captain seems. Looks over his shoulder, notices that Lucas seems to be doing something real weird with that brain in Terrarium. And he runs over Winifred. You see him kind of like, like he sprints over and just grabs Lucas by the shoulders and starts shaking him.

It's a snap out of it, man. Snap out of it. That'll do it for his turn. And up next is going to be Dr. Uwud. Dr. Uwud is going to hit this guy with a thorn whip. We'll run over at him and do it. All right, here's me. A la peanut butter sandwiches.

Interesting. And I botched. Oh, goody. Listeners, you'll remember Dr. Uwig got his powers through a wild magic accident. And so when he rolls a botch with a spell attack, he has to roll a very special secret botch table. So he's now going to roll a 100. And an unfortunate magic effect is going to happen that may be a boon or may be the other thing. Let's hear your 100-sided roll there, Vector.

That is a... I want to make sure that that is a... Six and not a nine. I was so hoping this would happen again soon. I think this only happened like once. 68. You're also close. soon. I think this only happened like once. 68. Oh my gosh. We all know that's a special part of the

1 to 100 number range. I'll tell you what, you missed a real filthy spell. Oh man. By one. Okay, so. Alright. So, I'm looking where you are at

on the map. Dr. Uid you Pull back and Try to slam the thorn whip Into him instead It hits the ground All of you guys Um Turns into a Canadian chocolate bar

Get a finger up her ass First of all yes you have finger up your ass But that's unrelated. All of you guys within a 10 foot radius that's going to include the guard

captain, and I think I'm going to have to move that. Hang on. Burp, burp, burp, burp, burp. Sorry, you guys. I haven't had my coffee. Imagine that circle's drawn like one or two feet, a little more to the south, right? It's not perfectly centered on him like I want it, but I am going to ask for a constitution saving throw

from Ronnie, Friar Jolly, and Queep. 23. 23 okay beautiful guard captain fails how about you other two folks 16 what is your spell save DC Dr. Wynn

15 great great great great Ronnie what you got What is your spell save, DC, Dr. Wynn? 15. Great, great, great, great. Ronnie, what you got? Charisma saving 2 or constitution saving? That'll be a constitution, my friend. Yeah, real low, my friend. 1 plus 1 is deuce. Okay.

1 is a really unfortunate thing to know, but it's a double botch for you today, and you have my express sympathy. Dr. Uy, you see these weird black, like, crystals shoot up out of the ground in a big circle around you. Friar Jolly, Queep, you kind of manage to, like, dance out of the way of these things as they jut out of the stone very suddenly. Unfortunately, the guard captain is just completely impaled by one of these, as is Ronnie. Before we get to Ronnie, how would you like to

see this guard captain get impaled by a giant black crystal spike Dr. Ued I've done a lot of the legwork of the visual for you But feel free to get more specific Well first of all I would like to start with an apology I was coming over there to kill you with a whip But

I made a mistake And I summoned these black crystals Please forgive me. And then he goes oh thanks and it goes up his pant leg and comes out of the top of his head and it looks like a witchy poo hat. Well it was so polite it was so polite that as he dies

he reaches up doffs an imaginary cap that he's not wearing as was previously discussed he has no helmet and he says, Thank you, m'lady. And he goes, M'lady? I've been growing out my sideburns.

He doesn't hear your protestations. Ronnie, you are going to take an unfortunate amount of damage. 13 points of necrotic damage. Okay. Luckily you were just healed, so I don't think you're in immediate danger as combat also ends,

but I would say at this point, you're all aware of two things. There is a brass tube sticking out of the wall that one guy ran towards and Bunk is like shaking Lucas into focusing. Lucas is like gripping the terrarium hard and like

chanting something with his eyes closed. I'm jacked, my friends. I can tell you've been working out. Bless you. Bless you. Oh my god. I can tell you've been working out bless you bless you oh my god oh my god did you just say covid

what's what everybody says if you cough or sneeze anymore I know oh no that's Rhodes' joke I do it for him now if anywhere we are he's had people look at him so mad like Oh, no, that's Rhodes' joke. I do it for him. Now, if anywhere we are, he's had people look at him so mad,

like an old lady coughed, and he goes, COVID. Yeah, I would too. He just looks right at him. It's hilarious. He's the perfect child. He really is. is he's the perfect child he really is

can we get into one room here and block off the entrances maybe shut one of these gates yeah you do notice like a I would say farther down the hallway there you're like oh like I think maybe there was a portcullis that we passed a while back while we were walking north um maybe you could go handle

but obviously there's uh there's there's a kind of a long hallway we're talking about that's not just represented on the roll 20 map roll 20 map is now just you know kind of uh static but for what you want to do um cleek do you want to like run down the hallway aways i know i'm just i'm thinking we stay here shut this gate and if there's another gate gotcha on the other side of it we can check like where we came from like shut the like go back north kind of where you were and shut the gate behind you so you're blocking yeah but nobody can get in either. What do you think, guys? Yeah, let's do it. We definitely need to rest up a bit.

This is very open, though. Couldn't we just go back inside the tower that we came from? If you so desire. Whatever you think is best for us. Right now, there probably helps to tell listeners too, I'm going to go ahead and say it out to y'all because I think you guys might benefit.

So like, you look at this map, there is another port. So I'll draw, there's a port Colossus you just kind of reopened where this switch is, right? There's been a lot going on though. So like there's this one that's up.

This pink line I just drew is up. And then north a ways, there is another one that is shut and a tower to the right. And what I was telling Queep is if he goes south back the way you guys came away, there might be another one. He goes south back the way you guys came away. There might be another one, but I think what Queep is saying is let's either focus on getting

Portcullis shut to keep more guys from running up or something else. And I think what Friar Jolly is or I'm sorry, Winifred's also saying, oh, we could just go up the tower and hide if we're worried about it. Is this guy still alive? This one guy is still alive, though? No, everybody's dead.

Oh, okay. Oh, do everybody do a quick perception check? There's a 20. 24. I could use that earlier. 16. 23. 22.

Wow, you guys are all wide awake. You've all had your coffee. Sarah. 18. And Lathian got us. You all notice a couple of the bodies are quivering a little bit.

Burn them. Got the 15s and ups. Can we stick a tour? Dan, are these on the map, there's sort of these big fiery braziers. Are those there? Those big kind of fire pit things?

There are, I'm going to say there's not fiery braziers where the Portcullis was, but they are in the columns on the north and south side of it. So there are big fiery braziers, just not right where the portcullis is. Can we light a couple torches and burn the bodies? Yeah, stack these guys, oil them up. Okay.

We'd love to grease people up. And kiss them. So wait, what do you do first? Set them on fire or kiss them? First he slathers them with oil. First he slathers them with oil. He puts on that soothing spa music.

I use my body like a human blanket. Got any hot stones? Got those? Walk on their backs a little bit? You start slathering them in oil got those walk on their backs a little bit. You start slathering them in oil.

One of them says stop. Stop. Oh, so he doesn't like it. Good. You get the impression, yeah, a few of these guys are still conscious.

Not for long. Light them up, light them up, light them up. The healing power of Silver Flame will cure them. Of life? As you cure them of life with the Silver Flame, I will say one of them cries out, Wait, you never got to hear our names. Lost to the ashes of time, I suppose. We were hoping you'd get kidnapped for something

and we would be able to tell you. We had names like Slick Tradesco. Remington Steele. Dr. Squidgell's Pompadour Esquire, Dwaynog the Boulder Stone John, Kirk Reel, Stormageddon Jizzmacker, and Dart Diggler Gnome Extraordinaire. It's a porn reference.

And he collapses and burns to a crisp. Are these all non-player characters submitted by our patrons? Thank you to Patreons, Kevin Gallagher, Matt Tesla-Coyle, JustSomeAnonymousMartin, CastawayCuties, BootyCooties, KevinHit, and RiseOfTheOctobunnies. Thank you very much for supporting our podcast.

That's great. Remington Steele had me out. I'm so sorry that we didn't allow ourselves to be kidnapped so we could talk to your characters. It is narratively difficult to figure out when you will talk to somebody. And I'm like, all right, maybe if I outnumber them, maybe if I trap them, we'll have a monologue. Nope, just murder, death, fire. But at least we got those in there slightly. And let it be known that there were undead elves of great, terrifying visage named Slick, Remington, Dr. Squiggles, Guaynog, Kirk, and Stormageddon. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry I killed you all. Okay, I should name more friendly NPCs. Are there any in this dungeon? I feel like there's not going to be any for us to talk to. For a moment, for a moment, Bunk looks at his hands and goes,

I wish my parents had named me something that a Patriot supporter had come up with. Lucas too. Lucas looks deeply into the terrarium and doesn't say anything.

Bunk is actually still. Yeah, we got to do something with those. Bunk is like slapping him at this point. What would you guys like to do? There's a lot of tension in the air. It does feel like maybe you've only bought yourselves a little at a time.

And, yeah, there's... A lot of stuff has happened I'm not sure you're going to acknowledge, but feel free to ask me on the DM Q&A if the players don't notice. On Patreon. Please support us at the metal tier. $6.66 a month. So we're burning the bodies.

The bodies of our weathered patrons. They're all torched and no longer twitching. So sorry. Killed and burned. They smell of financial support. As they burn. And cinnamon. Hmm.

They smell like cast members getting their rent paid. It's great. Oh. Well, do we want to use these portcullises, or do we want to go upstairs and hang out with that lich again? Well, can't we go halfway up and just, like, if what we need to do is rest Rest there's not a lot of great places Yeah I'm just trying to find some safety

Yeah like it's a tall tower you could to Winifred's suggestion go halfway up not really Talk to the lich and just kind of like You know like hunch down Doctor! Hey Dan Can I examine that The brass thing that the guy Was trying to grab can I

Examine that in detail? Yes! Please roll an investigation check. Also, Lucas is doing something with the brain, so we gotta... I'm gonna give that about one more second, Sarah, and then something will probably happen if no one intervenes. 14 plus 3, 17. Hmm. I'm just wondering if it's...

Yeah. Is it like looking to see if it's connected or if it's magical or if it feels like you can touch it or if it makes a noise? With that investigation check, you're not entirely sure whether it's magical, but it does resemble a war horn. And it looks like it goes up into the wall and like continues upwards. You think he was probably trying to fall for backup. Okay. That it would

probably be this like really loud echoey like that would like alert everybody. I don't like that. Sounds like me after I eat a green banana. When Funk slapped Lucas, did that stop the chanting?

No. No, it didn't. Seems like Lucas is really in the shit. Can we separate him from the... Yeah. What if I kicked him in the face? Try taking the thing away first. I would say, based off of this, when a Fred is approaching, kind of nervous,

Friar Jolly's winding up to kick him in the face. I don't know if he's literally doing it. We'll talk about that. Queep, you're trying to shake him. Who wants to be the one to properly engage this and try something and roll? If Queep's shaking him, I'll hold my kick. Otherwise, I'm looking to physically intervene

and if I see somebody else doing that, sounds like they are, I will yield. Someone grab the thing and someone grab him. This will be from you. Yeah, one of you guys I'll say is grabbing it and tugging it away automatically. And it's not stuck to his hands or anything, so you can just kind of... But he's still kind of chanting. So, Cleave, let me know.

Do you want to be sort of gentle or aggressive? Persuasion or intimidation? Are you softly cooing and petting his long, elven hair? I don't think I'm softly cooing. Because I would love to hear how that sounds from Queep specifically, but I also would welcome some aggressive shaking.

I will intimidate him. That is a 14. He kind of... Oh, I'm so sorry. I was just trying to help. What the hell are you doing? Prior Jolly Winterford, to kind of like blow away. Oh, I just, I just was trying to allow our king to commune with me in such a way that he could help also.

Oh, okay. What do you mean? Like I told you, I, I, I wanted him to be able to take over my body. But how were you even doing that? I heard whispers and I just thought maybe if I held the terrarium and I whispered back, I would be able to connect with him. All right, I'm sending a message to that terrarium. What's going on here? My message.

What's going on here is I'm being proactive about my imprisonment. How are you doing that? Well, no one was talking to me, so I thought I would just say, hey, who's nearby? Who's nearby? Get me the hell out of here. I've been in here for centuries or something. If you keep it up, we're going to leave you in the corner somewhere and just let someone come along to smash you.

Nobody puts Eldrin in the corner! I... I... Leave Lucas alone and please stop. Please stop trying to... We are doing our best. We're carting you around. We're going to get you to safety. We're going to get you a body, maybe.

Just chill, okay? I'll do my royal version of chilling. Hey, your majesty. Very elegant. Let's say you actually possess Lucas. Could you do powers and magic and stuff from inside Lucas's body? Or would you literally just be like walking around? So are you doing

a message or are you kind of relaying this to Winifred? I guess I would relay this to him. So Winifred, will you please do a persuasion check? As you relay Friar Jolly's message, I assume. I'm making a presumption here. You can

16. Editorialize. No? All right. Yeah, he says here you can uh uh 16 editorialize no all right uh yeah he says well i did know a fair bit of magic in my time and what i do with it well if it's for self-preservation let it let just say that i

i'm trying some things that's all you need to know wow not at all answering my question interesting I'm trying some things. That's all you need to know. Wow, not at all answering my question. Interesting. Yeah. Answering seven others, though. It seems that Eldrin was a harsh ruler.

It seems he would be kind of insensitive as far as taking over someone else's body. Wouldn't really take feelings into account. Well, Lucas is definitely not carrying this brain anymore. Bunk, maybe you want to carry the brain. But I'm so codependent. Wasn't I doing a good job? We need you. We actually, you're a guard.

You're actually good at fighting, right? We need you to help out with the battles. We're going to do great. Right, right. Feeling a little stiff from being made of wood for a few eons. I'll do my best. You'll lose some of it.

Right, right. Who would like to take the brain? I think Bunk said he did. Oh, he did, actually. I wasn't sure if a player character wanted to take that narrative. You see Bunk kind of go like, nod very boldly, walks up to it. No, I'm fine if a player wants to.

No, no, none of you need step up. I will handle this. Clearly, this is a dangerous terrarium and I am not afraid. Okay, will you tell us, please, if he starts trying to mess with your mind? I definitely hear whispers, but I'm ignoring them. Oh, okay. I take the terrarium. Great. Uh, you hear this just, uh, non-

message-y, like, coming from, like, thin air all around. Quiet, please. I message to him. Uh, I'll say the persuasion check carries over and the whispers I messaged to him. I'll say the persuasion check carries over and the whispers.

Can I do another persuasion check? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. What would the new spin be? Long-term shushing? Yeah, I'm just going to say, I'm going to carry you around. I'm going to do my best to keep you safe. I can't do that when you're chattering in my ear, okay? This is, it's too much for me to keep. I can hold do that when you're chattering in my ear, okay? This is... It's too much for me to keep. I can

hold all my lines in my head. I can do all of these things. I've worked very hard at my craft. I don't know if I mentioned to you that I am a performer and an actor. And... Did I mention that to you? I asked him?

When's this persuasion check happening? Are we going to have like a whole fucking scene here? What's going on? The episode's at 55 goddamn minutes. What more do you want? No, he says, oh, sorry. I just felt like my own voice was being hijacked by some higher power.

It was very rude of whoever that was. I am royalty. Definitely was. Definitely, definitely rude. Oh, I see. You're an actor. You're a performer. Will you...

17, bitch. Well... Going in hot. Very well. Hot plate. Look out, fajitas. I respect... What? What?

What is that? What? Hmm. He gets real quiet. And on that note, we will carry on and decide how to hide slash proceed slash be stealthy as you approach the Arch-Lich's Keep on the next episode

of Nerd Poker. Samuel Kiefer, what do you think happened? Okay. So today was another one where I wasn't able to listen because it is a work day for me. But I did write down what happened in episode 500 that we had mentioned earlier. As we all know, I passed away years ago. So I had my consciousness uploaded to Zoom so I can record you guys forever. Okay, so episode 500.

Brian's hybrid monk-barbarian-Goliath character, Ronnie Barr, meant to stealthily pick a door, but accidentally knocked down the entire castle. Blaine's character, based on Bea Arthur, finally dropped the voice and the rhyming, and is now just Blaine's regular voice. God's gonna get you for that, Sam. Dan's character, Basil Bort-Banklecorp, is a little passive-aggressive, but I do love the voice Dan does for him. I appreciate Ken's character still being a bird, but I didn't realize we'd have to carry around

an egg for 100 episodes until it hatches. I want to say thank you to the extended full-penetration sex scene with TikTok. Chris finally is playing the way I would like. I want to say thank you to the extended full penetration sex scene with tick tock. Chris finally is playing the way I would like. And finally, I think we all wish Sarah was still with us to play.

She's alive, but had to quit playing when she landed a role in star Wars episode 43. She's filming now and sends her love. Yay. Brian, yay uh brian persain.com for tour dates if this gets up before then uh oh it won't but um this is like early to mid-november i think yeah so i've got uh arlington virginia sacramento coming up and then christmas and uh come to my house i'll perform uh and then but i come to my house. I'll perform. But I've got comic books. There's currently the Halloween party out,

Scotch McTiernan's Halloween party, and then Scotch McTiernan's holiday special is coming out at the end of right around Christmas or the week after. But so many good comical books. end of right around Christmas or the week after. But so many good comical books. Dates on brianpersain.com. The art is coming in for my sci-fi book

called Rifters. It's insane. My skateboarding book called Grommets that I'm doing with Rick Remeter. I just showed Melanie some of the coolest art I've seen. It's really beautiful stuff. It's supposed to be in the 80s. It's bright

and just super nostalgic. It's going to be a fun book. It's about when I lived with my grandpa and was shitty at skateboarding. It'll be a funny book. Blaine, what's happening next week in your poker? Oh, I wanted to plug really quick.

I'll be at PAX Unplugged in Philly. So I think I'm going to be just mostly running games on the game floor. So if you would like to have me run a game for you, I think I'll be doing like three or four shifts a day of just like

having people come up and playing Tales of Zadia because they're flying me out and so I would love to meet some nerd poker fans. No fair have fun I love Philly. Thanks and I don't know if I'll get to do comedy out there I might try to grab a guest spot just eat and

walk around and say hi to people. Yeah I might do that I am a vegetarian though so I often find in cities with very proud sports teams, it's mostly beef. Oh yeah, that is what they're known for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I will look forward to doing that

and if you want to know more about the game, of course, you can check out TalesOfZadia.com or go binge some Dragon Prince on the old Netflix. Now, yes, please, as you were suggesting to Blaine, Brian. Yeah, buddy, what's happening next week on Nerd Poker? We attribute the success to save mankind.

Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well. Next week on Nerd Poker, a very special live telecast from Paladino's Cow-Midi Club, featuring such cow-medians as Rita Kuttner, Utter Theodore, Cowbelly Connelly, GB Hooves, Neil Hamburger, Horny Adams, Bob Cow, Bob Goldthwait, Paul Mooney, Guernsey Guy, Louis Black Angus,

and music from the artist formerly known as Hoof Prince. Live from Palladino's Cavity Club, I'm the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416.

Thanks for listening.