Nerd Poker - S5E18 The Royal Hall Looms

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

Our crew has gotten through swarms of harpies, retinues of soldiers, and spooky ancient traps. Now ahead we see the royal hall, the vile archlich king somewhere in its subterannean chambers. Time to rest and make a terrible mistake? Did someone just eat a Mexican pizza? We shall see! Happy Thanksgiving, listeners! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hello, nerds. I mean, I assume you're a nerd, or at least don't mind being called one because you're listening to a podcast called Nerd Poker. Brian, Sarah, Ken, Chris, Blaine, and of course, Sam and Raman all wish you the happiest of Thanksgivings. And I am so grateful for you guys. I think about how much I appreciate you listeners every single day. I had a weird life. And over the course of these last few years, no matter how rough things have gotten for me, this podcast has been one of the most consistent and gratifying things that I could turn to and put energy into when a lot of things were

just sort of on fire. A dumpster, if you will, rolling across the alley of the apocalypse. Flames rocketing up into the sky. Toxic fumes pouring out of it. But I could just look to my left and what is this? A delightful podcast that I can at least make up some monsters for and maybe some maps maybe some some artifacts and i know i speak for everybody when i say those of you who can contribute to the patreon i mean this is not meant to be a plug but those of you who go that extra mile oh my god this podcast is a gig you know i i love doing it we all love doing it but the fact that you can make it a gig via that uniquely gratifying platform it helps all of us in the cast so much there's so many months when touring as a comedian is no longer possible. Writing work dries up. We've had many moments where we've all, as a group,

faced cultural and economic shit that made our teeth curl, and we wanted to just Adam Driver-style pop the wall with our fist and go, I'm mad. But instead, we have had this delightful idea that we could socialize for fun, share it with you, and you would actually... I mean, I'm just really like... I know I'm repeating myself, but I had an opportunity to put this out instead of a full episode of Nerd Poker. And I figured if y'all are going to have to look at how long the episode is and be disappointed you should at least get a bunch of authentic sincerity and maybe you're like damn what about some fucking jokes what why can't you be funny and the answer to that is uh i

i thought about what can i riff here um i'm drinking i will tell you this i just i just busted out the most disgusting thing. I'm moving. My whole life is utter chaos right now. I'm going to be moving during Thanksgiving Day. Luckily, I'm going to have a Friendsgiving where I can gather with my friends, Liz and Mike and some other Second City folks. But, like, I'm just utter goblin mode right now. And I took out, to satisfy my urges, a can of yoo-hoo that I stole from a green room a

month and a half ago and I am suckling on it like a five-year-old who didn't get his dessert snuck down the stairs after bedtime broke into the pantry and thought I'll show them I'll drink the sugar gross chemical thing And um Boy what a weird choice it was for me to do that But you know I'm looking around at just boxes And chaos Possessions of mine I'm gonna have to give up For my smaller apartment

And I'm just like but you know what Shit's cool you guys are cool You have supported so much of what we all do And we are super grateful So please enjoy your holiday Call some people you love If you have to be alone remember you are loved I know that sounds corny but I believe it to be true because when people appreciate you it could be as simple as looking at you smiling and being glad

that you walked by it could be as simple as oh I had to have a nice moment with that person oh they called me oh they, they texted me. So thank you, everybody. I am being corny because this is my celebration today. And I hope that you all enjoy your friends, your family, your chosen family, your significant others, and your cuddly animals. And you know, writer, actor, nerd. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs.

So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan Lee Chris So meet my friends, Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season 5.

Hey, everyone. I'm Brian Poussaint. It's Nerd Poker that you're listening to. It's episode 18 of season 5. Let's join my friends and have some adventures. Dan's here. Hey, buddy. Hey, Brian. You know, I know this is like Episode 18,

but I really feel like this season grew up too soon and already has kind of been an adult for a while. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, for sure. Blaine's here. What's up, buddy? Episodes in the cradle and the silver spoon. Blaine's here. What's up, buddy?

Episodes in the cradle and the silver spoon. It's the grow up that we have empty head syndrome. Sarah, cheer me up. That is something I am terrible at. So that's why I went to you, Chris. Hey, Brian, everybody know episode 16 wrote and said, even though it pretended it was 18, it's doing fine, and it's out there acting like a regular adult episode. Well, don't call him.

Ken's here. When we first started playing, there were one set of footprints in the sand. Now there's several. Or something. That's because that's Raman following us. Raman started carrying me. That's because Jesus is at the front of one of

them human centipedes. We mentioned him. He's here. The legend. Right in person. Raman and his his human, Sam. Hello. Look who got a haircut. Hey, buddy.

The little guy again. He's a little guy. And he still smells terrible. Terrible. He got groomed yesterday and already smells like farts. Oh, man. Stinky. I feel like I've never had a dog

that didn't smell like Doritos within an hour of a bath. I want to be clear, it's not a negative. It's the best. Mavis holds her shampoo for a while. I guess because she's so goddamn furry. She smells good for a good

week and then it starts to get... By the time I walk him home from the groomers, he's a goblin again. It's great. He's a sweaty dog. When you said holds her shampoo, for a second I was like, wait, so she like recreationally drinks shampoo to get high? Is that what's happening? She can hold it.

No, I'm just saying when she gets groomed, she'll still smell nice for a while. For a second. Yes. She'd really lather not, Dan. Everybody go check your group text to see a real bright siding cheer up link from Sarah. Jesus Christ.

Which, by the way, it's not to make light of it, but this paragraph, he stabbed a woman in the head with a pair of scissors and then later threw a jar of pickles at another woman. Those are not he did two very different things. Oh, he did both of those things. Those weren't enough. Thank you for sending that, Sarah, and apologies for outing the fact

that you sent it. We were just talking about crime. It's just reality crime crime Emmy nominated Bob Odenkirk everybody

all right funny motherfucker shall I he would never he would never do this but God it would be hilarious if he played I don't I don't i i don't ever think he ever played i'm sure he walked into a room in college and made fun of the people playing it and made them feel like shit and then walked out perfect so did but you know what so

did dave anthony he played with us yeah he was great then made fun of us the whole time. Yeah. I'll ask him, but it would be crazy. He seems crazy. Let's get in. He's busy being the next Skywalker, but I think he might be able to... But he's back in town. Or actually he's out

again. I do feel like the one time I met him, he was crazy nice to me, but he has said many times in many interviews, I've been an asshole my whole life, and I would like to apologize to everyone I've ever worked with. So I think he's a nice guy, but I know he can be brusque. Anyway. We used to have a brusque off when we worked together.

I bet, I bet. That's how I'm willing to endure it i know there's a soft underbelly to a brusque till he screamed shut up you fucking baby at me and then david cross was like oh i'll name a comedy album after that yeah uh hey everybody it's episode, and I'd like to thank Patreon supporters. The only reason we log into Zoom and do this beautiful thing is because you are so generous.

Thank you, Matt Mendoza. Thank you, Gam of Lod. Thank you. Wait, I thought we were going to hear Brian play D&D with his wife, kid, and noisy dogs in the background. Thank you, Black Miro. Thank you, Hawkeye Pierce. Thank you, Dinkstein Cooler. Thank you. Black Miro. Thank you.

Hawkeye Pierce. Thank you. Dink Stein cooler. Thank you. Am I doing this right? Dan? Am I, huh?

Am I thank you? Sardinian spider princess. Thank you. Man servant. Heckubis. Thank you. See the dungeon. P the dungeon. Twee the dungeon.

Masta, AKA nerd poker theme from season one. At least the way I heard it. No spaces in that username. Thank you, Chris Ayers. Thank you, Josh. Why? Yes, the D is for donuts.

Thank you, Gus's Free Willy. Thank you, Nug Nugs. Tug tug. Thank you, Deet Jerkson. Thank you, Philip Rainsford. Thank you, Michael Berlecamp. Thank you, Lord I reckon. Oh boy.

Don't you line the track. Oh boy, don't you line the track. Oh boy, don't you line the track a-lackin'. Thank you, Skylar McVaugh. Thank you, I Istealia. Istealia. Naoli. Thank you, Dr. Glenn. Thank you, Deckard Skilso. Thank you, Danny's Frogface Fiend. Thank you, Bird

Poker. Thank you, Dango Merman, aka Uncle Magic. Thank you, I'm Just Here to deliver the worms thank you bud dwyer tire fire thank you jack watkins thank you bathwater snow cone thank you nathan's furry purple carrot and finally thank you oh god why is it so sticky lane who are those patreon supporters brought to us by don Don Dishwashing Liquid. Take it from me, Don. You don't need no soap,

just hot water. Don's Dishwashing Liquid. It's just hot water. Dan? Thank you, Blaine. It's time to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Yes, Sam.

Echo effects. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So these hero guys killed some soldiers. We now take you to what they were doing. You guys were talking about maybe hiding to see if you could get away from potential reinforcement.

However, the soldier went for the war horn, didn't quite get to it. So I would say it's not me directly telling you people are coming. It's just you created quite a ruckus and were trapped between portcullises briefly. Very well then. Motherfucking ruckus.

Feeling like a fool. So let's... Talk about our feelings. Get safe and try to heal up. Yeah. Do we like the Portcullis thing better or the halfway up the stairs better? I think halfway up the stairs

because there's a chance somebody could show up here. Yeah. You already know what's up there. And it seems like if we go halfway up the stairs because there's a chance somebody could show up here. Yeah. You already know what's up there. And it seems like if we go halfway up the stairs, we'd only have to worry about potentially one direction. Exactly. Great. Let's do that. Bunk says, I hope they reunite sometime when Harry Styles. Yeah, thank you.

Thank you for not making me do the joke meta in character, Ronnie. Anyway, I would like to suggest we drag these corpses up the tower a little bit as well. It seems a bit messy, don't you all think? Yes. Okay. We are. Yeah, let's get him out of the way. All right. So can we just get a real quick survival check from everybody

as you try to drag a bunch of bodies and maybe swish around some blood into the cracks between the cobblestones? That's a five. Can I give guidance to folks as they do this? Absolutely. Can you remind us what guidance does? Is that a D4? Guidance would allow anyone to add a D4 to an ability check for the next minute.

Sweet. Bunk got with that guidance a 24. Now I got a nine. I got a 12. Now I got a 10. Oh no. I got a 12. Now I got a 10. Oh no. I got a 13. Okay.

Brian. Survival. Yeah. I got a 17 plus 1, 18. Oh, great. Well, I think Bunk and Ronnie are the only people who really cleared it high. So you do all manage to get everything kind of like pushed up a couple of stairs. And you do kind of like use your boots to smush some of the blood like a little bit out of the way.

But it's still pretty messy. And I would say, uh, do, do, do, do, do,

do Dr. Uid, Winifred, Queep and Friar Jolly, unless I misheard the number, I'm going to ask you all to make a choice. Do you push through into exhaustion territory, kind of like make this properly,

uh, disappeared, or do you sort of just deal with it and go hide and rest are they off of the i'm sorry are they off of the main area i would say you you guys have because more of you got under a 15 than over a 15 it's kind of a mediocre cleanup job and despite your best efforts it takes you like a solid like hour to kind of like push the bodies even a little bit up the stairs and get some of the viscera and chunks off the floor and it's just kind of messy so those of you who rolled under 15 have to sort of choose do you push through the exhaustion to really like kind of

make this look decent you're very aware it doesn't look very cleaned up yes i do okay if we're gonna rest hopefully let's do it we fire jolly you're both doing it too yeah yeah can i get one more survival check from you guys uh ronnie brian you already kind of aced it so you and bunk are kind of helping still but you don't have to roll a survival again uh that's a nine again 18 okay seven okay uh 14

gotcha um so friar jolly winifred dr uid you all take a point of exhaustion uh creep you managed to kind of like get a second wind, so to speak, not in technical terms, but in narrative terms. And everything gets kind of tidied up.

It looks pretty decent, but yeah, you three take a point of exhaustion. Who? Me too? Nope, nope. Just the three folks who had some rough survival checks. You're good. Then we're going to hopefully rest right now. Yeah, so... Hey, before we rest, can I do...

I'd like to produce some good berries and give them out. Just in case, yeah. Okay. And 10 of those. So whoever... They're one point each. I would think that Brian would get most of them,

if not all. Great. How's Queep doing? I need some... I'm fine. I'm further than halfway down. I'm about a third. Yeah. Yeah. You're all probably

very keen on resting for a couple of reasons there. I think a couple of you are down, and also I just want to throw in there. Yeah, 12 out of 51. In case anyone needs a reminder, listeners included, those of you who now have a point of exhaustion,

it's level one. There are six levels of exhaustion, the final being death. Level one, you get disadvantage on ability checks. So until you rest, you're going to have disadvantage on ability checks. And you can add it in roll 20 at the top under conditions.

Super handy. Top right. But hopefully it's gonna when you rest it, yeah, it is removed right? Yep. So as you all sort of camp up, Bunk turns to you all, the voice of the dungeon master within the game and says, so are we going to maybe just do this for an hour or two or are we actually going to try to set up, Bunk turns to you all, the voice of the dungeon master within the game and says, so are we going

to maybe just do this for an hour or two or are we actually going to try to set up a little camp and get a night's sleep? I feel like we need a full night if we can do it. I think as long as two folks watch guard, perhaps one at the top, one at the bottom of the

stairs we're occupying, we could pull it off. It's worth a shot. Great. Let's do it. Let's do it. Lovely. You all set up.

Enough time has passed where I would say maybe even Ronnie and Bunk were starting to set up a mini camp while the rest of you were struggling a little bit. So who would like to take first watch? I will. Bunk also sort of springs up and says, Cleap, I will do it with you if you like. Alright.

So, you guys all rest. Cleap, Bunk is rolling a perception check with you. Would you like to take the top or the bottom of the stairs? Top. Great. So Bunk is at the bottom. He rolls a seven.

What do you get? Fifteen. So a few hours go by. You and Bunk at the appointed time meet up back at the appointed time, meet up back at the little camp in the middle of the stairs. He comes up the stairs as you come down and says, I don't think I heard anything.

It's eerily quiet down there. That's good. I admit I'm a little distracted, though. It's very tense staying up here. Who would like to do next swatch? I'll do one. Anyone want to get up with Dr. Uddin and do it?

I guess we have to take three shifts, right? If you want to complete this with two folks, but Bunk did offer to do one, so I had that off your back a little bit. I'll do it with the doctor. Okay.

I'm going to get perception from you two guys, and who would like to take top, who bottom? Uh, chef's choice, what would you like? I'll take, uh, I'll take the bottom, and I'll give each of us guidance as well. Okay. Chris Tallman portrayed a chef in season two of Nerd Poker. Uh, 15. Uh, 18. Great.

You, um, you neither, neither of you hear anything, although, um, it does sound like there is, uh, some weird magical humming coming from above. It's not clear if it was already happening when you set up camp. Weep, you did not notice. Okay. If I hear this humming, can I go from the top of the stairs to the bottom of the stairs and see if there's a difference? Yeah, yeah. Check out the ceiling and You kind of pace almost all the way down

To Friar Jolly and back up And it definitely gets louder as you ascend the stairs Okay Can I just add Sorry go ahead I was going to say upstairs is where that Skull that glowing Skull was floating wasn't it?

Yep. It's back, actually, I would say, if you're looking. Okay. I just wanted to add from this, I think they just added this information to D&D Beyond, but I feel like it's helpful to us in scheduling this. Number one, to recover one level of exhaustion

during the rest, you require food and drink. But number two, it it actually says if it's eight hours long the character sleeps for six hours and can perform no more than two hours of light activity which does include standing watch so in one eight hour window we should be able to alternate everyone should be able to take that two hour standing watch window oh great okay except that yeah and then but then if it's interrupted by strenuous activity then you have to start over again so you can't take like four nice nice that's much more specific than uh i was able to find previously and i don't i don't know that it even existed but i know it's it sounds new i know i whenever i came up with my house rules on watches and such, I couldn't find existing ones, but that's super specific. Not that different, but much better for you guys

in the respect that you don't have to wait, like... The chunks, yeah. Yeah, like 12 hours in four-hour windows. You're doing eight hours and two hour windows and um at the same time that whole starting over from scratch thing sucks but you did all have good good berries uh who who had exhaustion so you should and as long as nothing happens in that eight hours that's strenuous then then we should be able to get everybody fully rested in eight hours i think think. Narratively speaking, that only

means this is a slightly shorter amount of time passing, but if I could get who's doing next watch, the third watch, it is still a third watch. I will do this one. Because I will have done now my... I think, yeah, we need it to be you and Ronnie, if everyone's going to get their eight hours.

Okay, I'll do it. Great. Can I get perception checks on who's doing top bottom? I'll go high. I'll go low. Wow, Michelle Obama would not approve. Perception? Yeah, boss.

Yeah, you do. It still isn't Halloween when we recorded this folks so I'm doing spooky voices it's a nine again okay so um Brian Ronnie can hear that humming that Dr. Uwud maybe told him about when you exchanged

upper deck shifts wink wink nudge, nudge. I almost shot my breath. Winifred, you don't really get a sense of any... You hear a lot of blood ringing in your ears still from being tense. You kind of wake up with a sick feeling in your stomach just from having worked so hard. And just feeling a little anxious. And you're not sure you hear anything.

But you do kind of like look around. Don't see any new soldiers at least. Nothing quite happens as you all finish your long rest yay long rest click the button however yeah yeah yeah thank you very much for clarifying

that something is in the official rules for that I feel much better now help me remember it was not there before yeah yeah yeah Help me remember. It was never, it was not there before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never know what that stuff, if I just missed it in the corner of a book or if it's new.

Yes, yes. So, Bunk gets up with the rest of you. So I believe the next order of business is how do we approach getting closer to the keep? Do we try to go through the walls? Do we try to go outside? Do we try to take another route, maybe backtracking a little?

Or do we try to get through this fucking portcullis, y'all? We already cleared part of it. So what if we just keep going the way we were going? Yeah, I think continue. Yeah. We all head down the stairs pack up camp and there's that uh fucking portcullis again it does seem

that the um i just like to swear there's no intention intended the the lever very clearly now that you've seen another lever in the portcullis this out has been snapped off and like you can't tell exactly the easiest way

to make this port call us go up i would say uh i think one of you has mage hand right sarah like i think you would you would uh maybe be able to process something with maychan so can i get an insight check from you specifically if you've mulled over how you could reach through the Portcullis. How big are the bars in the Portcullis? I'll tell you as soon as I get this roll, because my brain is... That's an 11, which means I've rolled a six four times in a row on D&D Beyond, so that seems weird, but it's an 11.

Well, I don't know. It sounds like D&D Beyond's very up-to-date, and it's your fault. You think maybe you could use like the mage hand to kind of like reach into the lever disc thing you know what i mean because there's that stone kind of like half circle that the lever used to be which you feel like maybe you could reach in there and fuck around but you're not sure what that really means. Blaine, the iron bars are like, they're like about,

like not quite a foot, they're like eight to 10 inches thick and then there's about eight to 10 inches between each of them. Okay. Well, we did it once, the Mage Hand did it once before, right? So. Yes, but you did it with a lever that was intact at the other port.

Oh, I see. Okay. Can, can I turn into a snake slither in there and turn back into myself and use my quarter staff as a shillelagh as a lever thing. Not only is that starting to happen, could you tell everyone what it looks like, please? Well, I say, hey, did anybody see that movie

with Heather Menzies and Dirk Benedict? It's like that. I turn into a snake, and I'm covered with green moss. Very, very soft, like one of those turtles with an algae mohawk. Then I slither on in there. I'm actually pride of the touch. I'm not slimy.

I slither in there with a... And then I get up to where the thing is and I look up. I eat a couple squirrels. Then I get up to where the hole is. And how high is it there, Dan? It's so high. No, the hole is on a half stone circle

in the ground. It's based in the ground. there's some sort of contraption under the floor that the lever used to go into and you're kind of examining it the shillelagh ideas in your head sure but you're also like it looks like there is a little hole that the lever used to go in and there's like a snapped off piece of thick wood still stuffed in the hole, wink wink, nudge nudge and it's about a foot into the stone thing and you can't reach in there with your bare hands so it would involve like, how do I get this

fucking... Okay, well if I'm still a snake, can I reach, can I kind of slither in there, grab it in my mouth and pull it back out? Absolutely. Can I get a survival check from Snakewood? Yes, please. 18 plus 3. 18 plus 4.

23, finally. Yeah. You all see Dr. Uid deftly slither his face into this contraption and pop like a little wooden peg kind of goes flying out of the contraption. Dr. Uid, I assume you change back into humanoid half elf form and stick a

shillelagh in there and get to business. Oh yeah. All that. Hey, uh, all right. Well, as the Wawa pedal guitars start,

you all see him shove his shillelagh in the hole. And as he yanks it, um, firmly, as the wah-wah pedal guitars start, you all see him shove his shillelagh in the hole, and as he yanks it firmly but with intention, the portcullis starts to move up, and you're able to continue north. I would suggest that we move as quick as we can because this has got to be setting off an alarm somewhere. Do I see any more of those brass things, those horns on either of the walls on this next section of hallway? alarm somewhere. Do I see any more of those brass things? Those horns

on either of the walls on this next section of hallway? Yeah, so as you all start to travel north through this wall again, I am going to, for just visual reference, bring Roll20 back to the larger castle Vendaria map.

Boop-a-doop. Boop-a-doop. Which, is it working? Or is it not working? Yeah, there it is. Listeners may remember I had a Roll20 disaster where all my images were deleted. You think you see two things ahead that you don't need to roll a perception check for.

Pretty clear. One, yes. About every other stretch. There is this little war horn alarm thing sticking out of the wall. A couple of inches. It looks like it's just the right height. So a soldier can run up and blow into it to sound an alarm, a non magical,

probably alarm. And there is another deviation to the right. It looks like a large hallway goes to the right. And you think ahead, it looks like the hallway ends soon and becomes a larger sort of section that might be the arch-lich's keep. Hmm. Hey, I have an idea. There are doors to your left as well.

I would say between there and the keep, there's maybe a dozen doors on the left. How many of these little alert brass things are we walking by, Dan? Is it just one? About six. There's like a door

with no horn and then a door with a horn. A door with no horn and then a door with a horn on your left. And on your right, there are fewer doors, a couple of doors and no horns. And then far, far ahead, it deviates to a big hallway on the right. In my whatever priest's kit, among other things, I have, uh, some candles. I'm going to use, uh, my, I think it's firebolt cantrip, whatever my cantrip of fire is. It is sacred flame. I'm going to use that to melt a little bit of the candle wax and, and insert it maybe a few inches into the horns.

I don't know if I have enough to plug every one of them, but every time we walk by one, I'll melt some candle wax and shove it in there to try and at least fuck it. I want to take a long time. I literally just want to go wet wax, shove it in there and keep moving. This is just to see if you can kind of like divvy the wax up in an efficient way.

I think that's a great idea in that you can easily pull it off with the ones you have enough wax for. So let's get a survival check just to see if you finish it. I'm going to give this a DC of like eight. I'm going to give myself guidance as well. Oh, I don't need it. I rolled a natural 20 plus 8, 28. Yeah, you actually find like an extra candle and manage to plug

these things up really well. Great. Like to the point where you're like, oh, nobody's fucking ever using these things again unless they like get a 30 foot long pipe cleaner. This thing is fucked. Great. Maybe even like melt the brass a little bit. Yeah.

You rolled extremely high and I love it. Great. You all now sort of need to decide. Bunk is kind of mulling it over himself and can provide a thought. But he's sort of letting you all think before he pipes up this time. What is the question? Do you go straight right into what looks like a

subchamber of the arch, which is keep connected to the outer wall? Do you try to go around? And if you go to one of these many doors on the left, you do think there's maybe an option to go outside, which none of you have done yet. Lucas discouraged you from doing because he was spooked by how different it looked. You could do that.

I mean, we're heading for the Lich, right? Do we want to take a peek inside what we think is the Lich's base, at least? Yeah. Is anybody invisible? Can anybody go invisible and just kind of go up there and do a scout mission? I cannot. But perhaps our mighty leader can act as though he were a living shadow. Brian?

Am I even with those guys? They were ahead of me, right? No, no, you let them. You're right there with them. I would say you were, you know, kind of taking point up front some of the time. So, yeah, up front, you're kind of sneaking up there. Let's get it. Let's get your choice.

Do you want to focus on scouting or sneaking, Brian? So one would be... Perception, one stealth. I'm going to take perception. Roll it, please. You do your best to be stealthy. Guidance. Yay, crit.

What's your bonus to that crit? Six. Awesome. That's so fucking high. That's like... Oh wait, did you roll your guidance? No. Roll a d4. This is already close to the highest ability check

we've ever had on the podcast. Let's see if you can hit 30. If you hit 30, we're into some wild shit. Hold on. I'm gonna have to read stuff I didn't intend on reading that's from like... Back up. I love it.

Ah, three. Okay, 29. Jesus Christ. Still a fucking fun... Yeah, and with that high roll, I will say you've got mental bandwidth despair and are able to be very stealthy as you uh shadow step from shadow to shadow up the hallway and leave your

friends reasonably far behind so they seem safe you think as you approach you can hear the echoes of voices underneath the door of the big chamber ahead. It does seem like some sort of antechamber that will lead into a large royal building of some sort that's probably heavily guarded, so you're not surprised you hear some voices from under the door. As you

go up towards this substantial door, you also hear to the left from a couple of doors this terrifying howling that sounds like it might be the wind or a creature it's so loud that it carries over even when it's not coming from the door directly to your left it kind of like it's it's echoing so loud in the hallway that uh you almost hear it before you start going but but you can pinpoint it. It seems there's two doors of the six on the left that like there is this howling happening.

And you can kind of tell where the hallway bends off to the right that there is what looks like some sort of large meeting area and a lot of equipment, but no people. Okay. So you can relay this all back to the group?

Do we want to check out a couple of these doors before we go in there just to see what's... It's like there's an unlimited number of them, so just let me know which one. That howling sounds terrible. Unlimited doors. Yeah, I described everything.

The howling, the door, the room. So, yeah, there's a bunch of quiet. Explore? Yeah, let's... Should we each grab... Do we each want to grab a door and just take a look at these things? Yeah, you guys want to canvas?

You know what? I'm going to go up to one of the howling doors and see if I can... I'll check for traps and try to open it. Cool. Before you take that roll, does everyone else want to help him and just sort of start canvassing all these doors?

I'm going to stand behind Lucas. See if everyone else want to help him and just sort of start canvassing all these doors? I'm gonna stand behind Lucas. See if everyone's registered to vote? Yeah. Who's doing an investigation check besides Dr. Uwud? Everyone. Yeah. Great. Just tell me if you're focusing on anything while you roll.

Okay, so I'm going to the closest howling door. I'm gonna check for traps. 13. Okay. Weep. Ronnie? I'm going to one of the not howling doors.

I rolled a nine. Hmm. I botched. Uh-oh. All right. So, what were you looking at, Ronnie? Investigation. I was looking at a door, the closest door.

The closest door. So you walk up to the closest door, and you kind of trip and fart a little bit. You put your ear up against it, but you're kind of so embarrassed by the fart, you don't really, like, notice anything. I think I smell a Mexican pizza coming out of the asshole of our leader. the fart you don't really like. Oh. Sorry. I think I smell a Mexican pizza coming out of the asshole of our leader. Very possible. They ran out of it

in my locale. I really missed those. Yeah. Is that black olives? Oh. So is a crapshoot. That was the sound of diarrhea. See what you did there? And yeah, Queep, you're not sure you hear much

either. Dr. Uyid, you're looking at one of these howling doors and as you press the mirror, you think there's like clicking noises and a cacophony of other howls. Feels very similar to the door to the outdoors you heard earlier in your trek through the wall.

Cacophony. Am I going to open this and it's going to be like a train coming at me or something? It feels, if I may be less narratively mysterious, it feels like this door goes outside and you don't find any traps. Let's not go out there then. Yeah, yeah, okay.

So then, okay, so then those doors are just outdoor access. We can use those to escape if we have to. Feels like it. Or, like, the main reason, right? I'm not just saying, like, you could go straight into the place where the big boss is.

That is an option, but if you wanted to perhaps not go in through a really obvious way into this big building, you've got ways to the right and left, and it feels like the left it's either you go through hallways and outside and or outside. And to the right, there's this larger area you could explore.

So, those are options. Let's explore the larger area. Yeah! I love large! Let's do it, fuck it. I am game! Says Bunk, and you all head, unless anyone would like to object, towards

this sort of like northeast chamber. It's a barracks, and as you enter, it is empty. You're all reminded that the Archlich sent a lot of soldiers around the entire realm to try to find who was destroying his phylactery.

So it seems very undermanned. You hit a patrol. Another patrol didn't follow up as far as you could tell. And this area seems like it has only been used occasionally in the last few days. So there's no worm anything except for one magical torch on the far wall. There's high ceilings. There are many tables.

There are some solitaire dice games going on on the tables that are just sort of left unattended. A few really basic weapons in case anyone wants a really basic weapon on some weapon racks. Also, a few cabinets. A few side doors. Search those cabinets. Sweet. Does anybody have a detect magic yeah so uh i'll

i'll say you're already sort of investigating and i'll roll over those basic investigation checks from three of you um you're welcome to re-roll if you want roll investigation check but i'm gonna need you to let me know so we're not just sitting around rolling investigation check i will i'll investigate as well

I will give guidance to I will also investigate and give guidance to anybody else who wants to investigate great okay so with the guidance it's a 19 hmm nice I got a 17 so

the rest of you guys, non-Winifred, Friar Jolly types, are kind of like looking around. Don't find much in the cabinet except for, cabinets except for like just basic supplies. You notice there's a distinct lack of food. Feels very undead. Unsettling. Winifred and Friar

Jolly! You find a few interesting things. Friar Jolly, you find a few pot things Friar Jolly you find a few potions they're all crimson red and come in small flasks none of you find any traps of any kind

Winifred you find a helmet very lightweight it looks like decent hard armor not not like brass, not like easy to bend or anything like that. Very lightweight and it's got a face shield like a little graded Sir Galahad and Monty Python on the Holy Grail, kind of like gated face shield that hinges down.

Cool. Dan, these are potions. Can I do the thing where I take a little taste and figure out what it is? Absolutely. Let's get an insight check from you, sir. I'll let you choose insight or medicine. I'll do medicine. Sweet. I'll give myself some guidance on that as well.

I'm sorry, sir. Did you have a question? My brain just flew away. Okay. 26. Hell yeah, these are health potions. Celebrate. Sweet. Ooh. Yay. Just standard healing potions?

Feels like, I'm just checking. Why would undead need healing potions? Hmm. These are all straight potions of healing. The common variety 2d4 plus 2. How many? I had three.

If I said another number, I apologize. Three. No, three potions of healing. Great. Pass those out. Who wants a potion of healing? I'm a cleric, so I can forego.

Who would like to have one on them? I think if I have, I'll take one, sure. Ronnie, you should probably have one. You seem to be a bit of a pill cushion lately. Yeah? Win a friend! Take what? A potion of healing. to be a bit of a pill cushion lately. Yeah. Win a friend. Take what?

I have spells to do that. All right, Doctor, you want to take one? I have spells too, but why don't you hold on to it? Are we also healed from sleeping or no? Yeah, totally. Your long wrist. Okay, so

wait, Brian's got one. Ken's got one. There's a healing potion. Should we give one to our friend Bunk? He was all banged up, wasn't he? I certainly would not object. Thank you kindly. He bows deeply. It's a little much.

Winifred, you're kind of turning this helm over in your hand. It's definitely magic of some type. Okay. Well, I'll have to get someone to identify it at some point or attune. I still have to attune to the circlet that the zombie told me was... Could, like, help with curses or something, but... Mm-hmm. I think that will look just better with my coloring the circlet with the blue

gem but you know will you remind me if you're wearing I don't believe I did wear it because I wanted to attune to it first but he told me what it would do I don't know if he was telling the truth or not well I will say

great and did you all want to be trying to Well, I will say great. And did you all want to be trying to attune to anything in your last rest that we want to gently... Oh, sure. I will attune to the circlet if possible. Great. Let's back up a little bit. So nothing is really going to change. I'll make sure nothing weird really happens with the timeline of the story because who gives a shit? weird really happens with the timeline of the story because who gives a shit but if you could roll an arcana check for us

win a fred to see if you can attune to this circlet that would be wonderful can we give her guidance absolutely um with guidance then it's gonna be a

23 lovely you attune to this circlet then it's gonna be a 23. Lovely. You attune to this circlet? It provides protection against necrotic damage. You will have all

necrotic damage or negate it if you complete a saving throw where you otherwise would take half. Oh, cool. Okay. I put it on. That's great, especially all the necrotics around here. How does it look?

She says. She walks like a, she does like a catwalk walk. It's great. It shoves your eyebrows down and gives you kind of a bit of a caveman brow. Love it. That is incredibly rude.

He's joking. Oh, I'm sorry. I look gorgeous. I have been accused of being both upbeat and unhumorous. So I'm glad that you were able to point this out to me. Well, Fire Jolly is not a kind man, but I'm sure he wouldn't be that unkind. Oh, he's just what I would call brusque, a Bob Odenkirk type, if you will.

What were you going to say, Chris? Please don't let me interrupt an in-character discussion from Friar Jolly. Boo me. No, I'm good. All right, well, I hope my joke was good enough. Anyway, I'm being silly. What else would you all like to do?

You've, of course, just shown off the circle at Winterfred, but I tuned to it last night so you're aware of it Are there any other doors out of here? Yeah, like you've turned the room over There is two doors to the sort of northwest and one to the southeast.

So from your sort of angled perspective, like if you were on a Roll20 map right now, two doors up, one door down. Are either of them like an alternative way potentially into, isn't that kind of what we're looking for is maybe a different way into the Lich's room? Yeah, so I would say with your previous investigation checks checks you definitely get the vibe that the one to the left of the two northwest doors is close to the keep and might be your best bet and that the other one felt and sounded more

like it was like a storage area can we peek under the door you press your beak against the floor. Friar Jolly, please, please, Chris. Don't go. I don't like trampling all over your interesting things. You kind of peer under the door. It's hard because your eyes are on the side of your head. But let's get a perception check from you. I won't make you roll disadvantage.

That's a 19. I'm so racist against Eric Hochroff. I was like, your eyes aren't in the right place to look under a door. I'm like a flounder. No, you press your, you know, your head and you see very well under the door. With a 19, yeah. It looks like this is a narrow,

curved hallway of some kind. Also, you get the vibe as you kind of like pull up like, oh, this feels like it is locked. Maybe not trapped, but definitely like not budging when you lean on it a little bit. Does somebody want to pick this lock? Do we want to go through here? I relay what I see. Damn. Who's our lock? to go through here, I relay what I see. Damn.

Who's our lock? Is Ronnie our lock master? Ronnie has sort of been the most bold because I think he has a good sleight of hand bonus, but I don't think any of you have a lock pick, so he is rolling with disadvantage. Ronnie, you got this. You're right hey Brian

yeah you've been nominated to unlock a locked door that might be a shortcut or at least a sneaky back door into the lich's keep would you please roll us a sleight of hand check I saw sneaky back door open for faster pussycat

when you go to front door you hear sneaky front door you hear a sneaky back door open for Faster Pussycat. When you go to the front door, you hear a sneaky front door. You hear that sneaky back door slam. Can I just say, I saw in my notes, but I wrote them so scrambly that I can't. I need to re-listen. But from episode five, I have a note about thieves tools and a lock picking device. I don't know if anybody remembers this or anything about it, but I need to listen. My first impression would be that is,

that is like a version of me just saying to not have disadvantage. You need thieves tools or some sort of lock picking thing that is meant for lock picking. I'll relisten this week and then we'll find out. Sure. Please do. Ronnie, how'd that disadvantage sleight of hand check go? I can give you guidance on it too, Brian, so you can add a D4.

Must sadly take the lower of two numbers. Roll exactly the same and then 14 alright you hear a little metallic click come out of the keyhole as you poke your little short sword in there. Uh-huh.

Seems good. Feels good. Cool. Nice work, Ronnie. We're all very proud of you. All right. Okay. Do you open the door? Yeah.

Cool. Well, we'll have to find out what happens, what you see on the other side of that door on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Oh, so close. Sam, what do you think happened today? Hi, everyone. Again, I don't know.

I wasn't able to listen as I had to edit something else. But it occurred to me, speaking of having to edit something else, I had to edit something else because Engineer Ryan has left Earwolf after eight years. It occurred to me, sometimes people ask me technical stuff on the Patreon, and people tweet technical things at me, which means somebody in here does technical audio things. If you were hiring is my point. If you are an audio person,

I assume to, to listen to this podcast, you're already very cool. Uh, reach out to me. It's Sam at your wolf.com and, uh, come make podcasts with me.

Is it remote work, hybrid work, local work? That's just it. Some of it, uh, we're That's just it. Some of it, uh, we're looking for freelance people. Some of it is fully remote.

Some of it, uh, might be, but yeah, fully, fully reach out if you are pro tools, proficient and, um,

come make dorky stuff with me. Well, that's cool. I show you where I fell asleep during nerd poker, which studio wasn't that the old studio? Yeah. I'll break in where I fell asleep during nerd poker, which studio. Wasn't that the old studio? Yeah. I'll break in. I love it.

The old Desilu. Cool. Well, uh, for me, it's, oh, wait,

so yeah, you don't have a recap. Um, but, uh, so it's, uh, brianpersine dot com for tour dates

I've got comic books all that Dan I'll be at Pax Unplugged so please read up on Tales of Zadia dot com and watch up on the Dragon Prince if you want to come play around the Tales of Zadia

with me I believe season four of the show will have just debuted when this episode goes live or very close to uh you'll you'll like it i can tell you you'll like season four and you'll like playing games that is it uh can i mention that we got some uh hot sauce yeah please so we got we got a big uh package of sauce, which I've tried and it's delicious, from Satanic Hot Sauce. Our friend Jordan Aguirre, he said he's got this batch of hot sauce. It's called Death, Birth, and Gold Goat, I think, or I'm not sure. But once this batch is sold, I'll be donating $1,000 to the National Abortion Fund.

Oh, cool. So if you guys can go to satanichotsauce.com, or not satanichotsauce.com, satanichotsauce on Instagram. Go and grab some hot sauce. It's delicious. It's got like sumac, turmeric, root, saffron, all this stuff. It's really tasty. I was going to say, like, I've already been... I already got satanichotsauce.com years ago. Please go ahead.

Yeah, yeah. We tried some before, and it was hot and delicious. So thank you again, Jordan. Don't go to satanichotsauce.gov. It's a porn site. That's a super worthy cause. That's awesome.

Blaine, what's happening next week? We attribute the success to save mankind from hell. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well... Mayan mask that comes to life when it sees a celebrity but doesn't recognize anyone because it's been out of the loop. Ken signs here and here and again here and your initials there.

There, here. This is just a copy. Sign here. Date that. Congratulations, he's the new showrunner of Gutfeld. And Chris loses his ancient Mayan celebrity mask. All this and more on the next Nerd Poker.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time.