Nerd Poker - S5E3 The Mists Beneath The Cliffs

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

Our wary party has begun their trek into the misty caves, and it's not long before things get super creepy. Sadly the entire boat full of heroes isn't along for the dungeon crawl together, but we get a chance to get to know everyone, even Bunk the Donkeyland halfling, a little bit better. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Blake Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hi, everyone. This is Engineer Sam. Normally, this would be the part where you hear Brian's voice introducing the show.

We tried a new program this week that was supposed to be really great for podcasts to make the recording from home a little easier. And it did not go as easy as we thought it would. make the recording from home a little easier, and it did not go as easy as we thought it would. There's quite a few hiccups, and we ended up having to abandon that program, jump over to our old program, and pick up the recording. And ultimately, when I went back to the program that wasn't working well, a couple of the files were lost. But none of the episode was affected, just the intro. So we're going to jump into the episode in a second. So just use your imagination, pretend Brian said hello, and then said hello to us. Pretend we teased Sarah about not seeing Star Wars. Pretend that Dan did a visual bit. Pretend that Blaine's mic was too loud. Pretend that I'm in some sort of sleeveless douchebag outfit.

And in a second, we'll jump into Dan thanking some Patreons. And speaking of thanking people while I have your ear, I just want to say how much I appreciate everyone who listens for such a long time now. This is the coolest job in the planet. It wouldn't be my job if you guys didn't listen. I appreciate you guys all very, very much. All right, let's jump into the episode and have fun, nerds. Thank you to Patreon supporters in our Hey Boss and Stargoyle tiers. They go by usernames like Jay Anderson.

Thank you, Jay Anderson. Thank you. Thanks, Robert Underdunk. Oh. The bottom side of a dunk. Thank you, Tucker. Thank you, the Polyphonic Fighters. Oh, thank you.

Thanks, Brian Stopp. Thank you, Joshua Hahn. Thank you, Postal Blowfish. Thank you. Thank you, King Cap. Thank you. Thank you, Dan's Always Untrustworthy Passive-Aggressive NPCs. Thank you.

Thank you, Reverend Ian Lawless Moth, Underseer of Graven Images, Church of the Subgenius. Thank you. Someone made their own Hot Topic Priest in their adventure, is what that sounds like. Thank you, Andrew Brawner. Thank you, Snagglefruits. Thank you, Parks Russell. Thank you, Cats

Ass, with three S's. Thank you, Carl Pinder. Thank you, John. Thank you, Terry Snacks. There's three X's in that. They're like Scooby Snacks, but they're just Newports with filters ripped off and a whole banana. Alright.

Thank you, Eric Payne. Thank you, Flea47. Thank you, Broken Carrot. and a whole banana. All right. Thank you, Eric Payne. Thank you, Flea47. Thank you, Broken Carrot. Thank you, Wolfgang Bang. Thank you, Douglas Calabrese or Calabrese. I still don't remember. Thank you, Jeremy B.

Thank you, Michael Constantino. Thank you, Drew Boyer. Thank you, Max Martin. Thank you, David Goodwin. Thank you, King of Pop Tart. Thank you, Beer Belly. Thank you, Jeremiah Sacralicious Waffles Due Deck. And finally, thank you, Terry and Billy Spinoff.

Hey, Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by... Pop it! Twist it! Pull it! Zing it! Flip it! Spin it!

French it! Spee it! Nuder it! Toast it! Lick it! pull it, sing it, flip it, spit it, french it, spee it, neuter it, toast it, lick it, stick it, puree it, flambé it, pretend it's not happening, pinch it, scrape it, traumatize it, stoop it, eat it, eat it raw, raw, raw, raw, pound it, puke it, tickle it, wash it, wash it again, ass it, scorch it, buy it tickle it wash it wash it again ass it scorch it buy it return it avoid it kill it wave at it stream it love it fuck it forget about Oh, I have some thank yous from Appleton, Wisconsin. I got a 20 here that says they've defaced their bill by writing, in Dan we trust that you don't kill Ronnie Yen. Big fans, Tony and Aaron. Thanks, Tony and Aaron. Thanks, Tony and Aaron. And then, check this out. Nice guy,

Kyle, made this super easy little tower. It's real convenient. It's a little two-parter. And he signed it to NerdPoker. Thanks for making my drives awesome, Kyle.

And then he also threw us this distinguished gentleman. Good Lord. Hey, now. So Kyle Clark there. Thanks, man. We really appreciate it. Thank you uh, Kyle Clark there. Uh, thanks, man. We really appreciate it. Thank you. He,

he brought that backstage. Uh, you know, I no longer, uh, do meet and greet. So, uh,

if you bring stuff, just tell, tell the door guy and the door guy will always bring you back to see me. Uh, and sometimes if they just see you standing there with a Deadpool, they've been told to look for people with comics and like Devil's Reject stuff just to bring it back to me. But if you're holding one of these, please tell them that you're there to deliver me a nice gift and they'll walk you back. I thought it was a duck call.

Yeah, man. Let's get back in, Dan. Oh, well, I want to thank somebody real quick. I had a show in Sacramento last week and someone came from the NerdPoker audience and they gave me a note. I would like to read their note. Also, they just wrote as their sign off their Patreon name, but I browbeat them into what their real name was. So I'm going to say it. I was like, write it down if you want me to say real name. And they were like, I don't know. I'm just so nervous.

And then I was like, please tell me. And they're like, OK, Dan wanted to drop these items off for you. Nerd Poker helped me through the version of my shelter in place. And many hours after, you all have an awesome chemistry and I appreciate y'all letting us in. The cider is blueberry cobbler. I hope you all enjoy. Signed four nice guys, a girl and a pizza place called Palladino's. And their name is Corey.

Corey was super nice and said, P.S., Sarah as a bard is going to be her using the inspiring leader feat times 1,000. Amazing. And he gave me two blueberry cobbler ciders that he made personally. He's the guy who sent us those spicy ciders. The last time I was in Sacramento? Yeah. Yeah, right on. Tell him thanks so much.

Yeah, I will. And I'll see you in San Diego in two days, Brian. Yes, that's right. Yes, and unfortunately I'll be drinking both of these on the train even though you're

not supposed to I'm going to be really just like fucked up on the train people would really look forward to it sounds like they're too chewy

last time I got drunk on the train they kicked me off I think there's like a bar I think there is yeah yeah maybe they kicked me off

for being too drunk you're supposed to be drunk drunk with a train? Oh, that is exactly what I said. Syllable for syllable. Walking on the roof like Daniel Craig. Yeah.

Adjusting your cuffs. I'm walking on the roof. Woo-hoo. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of walking on the roof. What? It's time to talk about... What happened last time on Nerd Poker. Our new heroes who do not yet have a party name that will go down in Notoriari already

are making their way to the evil castle of Vendaria. They just got off the boat piloted by Gago. Gago getting the fuck out of Dodge because a ghost ship is heading towards the party. A certain Donkeyland knight named Bunklechee Rankin-Bowling is accompanying the party. And, well, a certain bard in the party may have almost convinced every single hero on the boat, all couple dozen of them, to just go in together. But they all kind of climbed down the cliff face and went into another cave.

And then some more heroes were on the boat that went away. They're going to go elsewhere in the castle. It doesn't really make a huge difference. But looming ahead of our heroes is a darkened cave with a spectral green mist billowing forth from its opening. Another opening on the water billows mist. It's all very creepy and there are rumored to be harpies inside. We now take you to the characters already in progress. So yeah, you guys have this line before you. I'm going to post in our group chat the link to Roll20, which i'm going to attempt to take a couple of screen

grabs for but it'd be great if you guys could take some screen grabs of it as well because as we use these dungeon maps sometimes i'm going to have some of it ghosted out because you haven't uncovered it yet and from your point of view the listeners will go oh yes i i haven't seen that part of the cave either but from my point of view it'll be kind of like in shadows, all the secrets. So if you guys ever have the ability to take a screen grab of Roll20 as you go, I'm hoping this will be a very fun season full of little maps for you guys. And we're going to try and share as much as we can. Can I say that one of my favorite things about this podcast is our listeners are very artistic and very friendly. And they always do great maps and art of the players and the campaigns.

And one of my favorite things about this is just the maps. So anybody that does the maps for us, thank you for your time. Yeah. Let me be serious for a second. Fart. I will say a lot. You know, that's interesting you should your time. Yeah, and you know, I... Let me be serious for a second. Fart. I will say a lot... You know, that's interesting you should say that because, like, we get a lot of, like,

art of the characters and such. It's always really, really amazing and really thoughtful. Thank you, guys. But, you know, like, the stuff that we got, like, the big map, that is Sean Bryant. Sean Bryant, yes. We're able to pay and commission him to do that.

The art of Bunklechee Rankin' Boing, which we just got. Sean Bryant also. But we haven't gotten any, like all of the crawl maps that I've been using, I've either bought off of Roll20, drawn myself, or like gone to a Patreon to grab. Oh, and then forget it. But first of all, let's not take the glory away from Sean Bryant, who murders it every season.

He really does. If there are listeners who like to draw these maps and would like to collaborate with me on some stuff, I don't know that we currently have a budget for it, but I could try to work something out budget-wise and we can talk about it. I would be happy to engage you on the subject. Message to Patreon.

And those top-down Roll20 maps are something I'm going to be making a lot of and probably buying a couple of so i would love to love to chat have a chitty chat chat and if you follow us on instagram sometimes there's cool art there that people did of the characters yeah i love when people can do that uh it's it's the drawings of the characters are great especially because then some some of them get stuck in my head as the canon image of who these guys are. I know we had some really cool stuff every season,

so it's just fun to think about even. Delightful. You guys are very talented, and we appreciate it every time. And, yep, you guys have a bunkle chi rankin boing a wildly blue haired but very stoic knight of donkey land who has offered to accompany you he was already going to head to the cave and you guys said you'd be willing to go with him and he was happy to come with i'm actually going to replace the token that was formerly uh art of me from one

of my comedy albums with bunkle chi because we have the official sean bryant bunkle chi art now or bunk as sarah noted with a wire joke last episode i oh i see there we are we're at the way at the bottom way at the bottom right this is a big map uh part of the the i hope fun is seeing like how big certain areas may loom ahead for you. But yeah, this is the Harpy Cave that will lead up. You're going to be going on an incline up into the cliffs to the east of the Castle of Benderia, hopefully exiting a cave near the top of the cliff face. Kind of maybe you have to climb a little bit more, hopefully 10 feet, hopefully not 100 feet or, you know know like side of the boat sized and once you get there there's a bestiary or uh

bestiary or stables kind of like evil monsters thing that bunk was hoping to break into oh and uh what does he want to do with the right now bunk is like sort of like scratching his chin peering into the cave well this looks like it's time to be brave folks let's be cautious as we enter i i do not have a very specific plan, although that I hope to get into the stables, sneak past any kind of, you know, obstacles I can sneak past, and eventually slay the Archlich.

Valix, I hope you all have the same plan and are equally stealthy. I don't know if my plan exactly is no one will see me until I kill the bad guy. I think my plan might be a little more, um, detailed. Oh, I would love to hear the details. Yeah. I mean, I'm just an idealist, you know. Are you a ninja?

What is a ninja? Well, no, then. Uh, look, what do you want to go into the stable for monsters for? Well, it's just, it's on the east side of the castle. We could try somewhere else. Oh, no, no, I'm in.

I just want to understand it's not because like you want to go collect a monster or anything. Well, not necessarily. I'm not entirely sure what monsters lie within, except, you know, for rumors. Mr. Rankin-Boyne, what brought you here? I've spoken to, certainly we have Dr. Uid andweep who are here, you know, heroic adventurers. And I understand why they would be in this fight, as it were.

But what brings you here to fight against the Archledge? As you ask, he bows his head and gingerly places his hand on his chest. He reaches into his armor and reveals a locket. And he says, locket! My beloved mount, my war donkey was slain by the forces of Yajlich, and I hope to bring honor to my donkey's memory. What was their name? Blinkle Bingle. Or went out for Blinkle Bingle. Onward.

He opens the locket and just sort of looks at it for a second and puts it back under his armor does it say backstory on it motivation

nothing we ready let's go subtext uh so the um you know uh

bunk is kind of like well would you like me to scout ahead I'm willing is that your forte why I like to think I'm trying to expand my abilities in that direction if that's what you mean

oh boy everything with you is going to be impossible huh you do notice he's wearing like heavy like plate mail you're like alright buddy Oh boy. Everything with you is going to be a puzzle, huh? You do notice he's wearing like heavy, like plate mail. You're like, all right, buddy. Like you're getting, and you remember all his idealism. Can everyone roll it? You know who might be the sneakiest?

And he's a paladin, right? He's a fighter. So, so yeah, a couple of things. He is a ghost wise halfling fighter. He is level eight. And yeah, you were about to, you were about to discuss who might be the stealthiest. I want to put a pin in that. I think that's a very good discussion to have. Could you all really quick roll a perception check?

I wanted to introduce him to a ninja since he's never fucking heard of one. Oh, okay. Roll a perception check for me, Brian, and then I think I know what kind of introductions we're in for and I would love to hear it. What kind of a room are we in? Where are we?

You're on like a cliff face. Like there's a little outcropping where Gago pulled the boat up and you guys all got off. It's just, you see the ocean crashing around you, around the Trident Coast, and it's, you know, very misty and evil feeling. What did you want me to throw?

A perception checkbox. Perception checkbox. I'm trying to check the D&D Beyond game log, but it doesn't always throw things up perfectly. Mine froze again, so I was trying Chrome this time. 21 from Brian. Oh my goodness. 15. 10 from Queep.

Yeah. Sarah, why don't you let me know what you get when your unfreezing happens? Yeah, I'm sorry. Folks, I do recommend as a backup, Mighty Dice. I have. I can just roll a die, but I don't know my... I just closed my window, so I don't actually even know my plus. That's okay.

I know it's ideal to have your character sheet open on D&D Beyond, and the dice happen to be there. Okay, I rolled a die and I got 13 but I don't know what my plus is. So one moment please. Oh, I have your character sheet open. Okay, 13 plus whatever it is. Share your perception bonus is a three.

So pretty good but Ronnie, you have a 21. You're all kind of looking around. Winifred, you get this very creepy feeling. It feels like something is constantly looking over your shoulder. That's just Friar Jolly. Hmm?

Nothing. I just said it was Friar Jolly. He's constantly looking over my shoulder so far. Friar Jolly? Yeah. Are you going to eat that sandwich? Okay, so I get a creepy feeling, but Ronnie really... okay so i get a creepy feeling but ronnie really ronnie um ronnie you notice uh through the mist you can see the boat approaching quickly the shore it appears to be tailing all of you rather than gago's boat and it is rapidly approaching a fog approaching you say it's

still yeah it still feels like it's maybe a mile out but it is the ghost ship the ghost ship okay all right it's following us not the boat uh but ronnie as you notice this it seems like maybe an apt moment to introduce bunk to his first ninja uh uh well first of all shit um don't i want to tell everybody that the ghost ship is coming fast? Would you like to? Yeah. I pointed out. It's coming in pretty fast. Oh, great job, bestie.

And then, by the way, I am a monk, but I am trained in the art of ninja. And then I do an acrobatics check and... Do that acrobatics check, Brian. Hit that button. Roll a dice. It was very strong. Roll a dice, not an ankle. Yeah.

Oh, my. Nine. Yeah, yeah. Plus six. Three plus six on dice, not an ankle. Yeah. Oh, my. Nine. Yeah, yeah. Plus six. Three plus six on that acrobatics. Yeah. So I don't do anything. I just stand there.

You kind of cock your hip. Yeah. Ouch. Oh. He tries to outdo it. He's going to try to outdo you, Brian. He rolls a 10, and his acrobatics bonus is a 3,

so he kind of, like, cocks both hips. It's not much more impressive. You all feel like you haven't seen a great show of dexterity yet. That's hilarious. What are these two idiots doing? Well, uh... That's hilarious. What are these two idiots doing? Well, uh... Are they dancing? I'm open to being humble. Mr.

Yen, if you would like to scout ahead, by all means. Yes, I would like to. Brian, if you could have Ronnie roll a stealth check as he sneaks ahead into the cave, I will be on roll 20 and reveal to you a proportionate amount of the cave as he sneaks ahead into the cave. I will be on roll 20 and reveal to you a proportionate amount of the

cave as he attempts to not go any farther than his silence allows. Hmm. Rolling low. Oh, ouch, you botched! Uh-oh. Well, I'm not gonna hold that super against you.

Botches, for me, are most fun to celebrate when it's in combat. But you did roll a one. You have a plus three. Pretty good. But I'm going to say you get about this far in the cave, like about, let's say, 20 feet. You round a couple of corners, and you just get this absolute, like, chilling feeling

as if something is lurking around the next corner that's not good so ronnie um i see your token is this guy i'm gonna scoot you up there that's about where you feel it yeah if you look on the map i am right now how would you like to proceed would you like to uh power through or would you like to report back? Yeah, I'm going to run back and tell them. Okay. I sent something waiting to attack us. It's probably one of those harpies, right? Hmm.

I say we engage the harpies and get rid of this before the ghost ship shows up. So I run back to them and tell them that I sent something. I think Friar Jolly would vote for going in the cave as opposed to waiting for the ghost ship. Yeah, let's get away from that stuff. Let's keep going then.

Sounds like a plan. So why don't everybody move their tokens right up to where Ronnie was. And y'all tell me, as you reach this bend, you're kind of like Dr. Uid and Winifred. I don't know if you can move your tokens yet. Again, trying to log back in. I think that is totally fine. But you're like, okay, we're kind of out of view of the boat.

But you're like, okay, we're kind of out of view of the boat. And Bunk is offering to forge ahead unless Friar Jolly, Ronnie, someone is feeling bold to lead the party. He says, I believe this is where a group of heroes such as ourself would establish a typical marching order. Do any of you intend to be first through the corners? I'll move up alongside. Quaip the? I don't think it should be you or me, Biggle Boggle. Just because of our clanky armor, we should probably not be the sneaky ones. Well, we're just marching in now.

Now you really should be up front. You've got, don't worry, you've got a lot of armor to protect you. Then I will go first. I believe if it is stealth and scouting we want, Ronnie is our man, but if it is boldness, perhaps it is you and I, Friar, or Cleep. Cleep seems quite murderous

for a parrot. I'm all cock-a-lock-a-loo. All right! And I'm Silver Flamey Flew! Cock-a-loo and Flamey Flew, let's push on through. So I'm bringing up the rear?

Ronnie and I? Sounds like it's up to Ronnie. Sure. I'm going to reveal the next area as you forge ahead. There is something disconcerting as you come around. There is what looks like a spectral

figure. Kill him. Spectral figure, eh? Yes. Notice it looks like a green glowing silhouette of an elf. Does it have like a ghost vibe like the ghost ship used to have? Sure does.

I would say rather than me just forcing which roles you have to do, if you'd like to talk to it, please go for it. Tell us what you would like to say. Either in character or from a third person perspective. Hmm. Does it see us?

It is locking its sort of sockets at all of you and very slowly edging towards you. Its glowing sockets appear pointed directly into all of your souls as it inches farther down closer. Does anybody have a detect closer?

Evil or anything kind of thing? Okay, Winifred elbows her way to the front. Greetings. Oh no. Hello. Hello. detect closer or anything kind of okay winifred elbows her way to the front greetings oh no hello what is it you seek my ghostly friend i'm sorry speak up please it whispers who are you? Over and over again. It is getting closer. Who are you? I'm going to place a hand on Winifred's shoulder and cast Guidance upon her.

And so that means you can add a D4 to an ability check. It's about five feet away now, Winifred. Is it still moving towards me? Oh, yes. Okay, I'm going to cast Dispel Magic on it. Okay. Oh, yes. Okay, I'm going to cast Dispel Magic on it. Okay.

Which says that any spell of third level or lower on the target ends on the target. And I just want to see if anything, or maybe it just will dispel it. Like a heavy breeze seems to hit it as its attire and hair and even the glow coming from its socket kind of like whip backwards. It places its spectral hands up. You can see it's holding some kind of a glowing lamp in one hand. All of it very spectral.

And it begins to come closer to, again, Winifred whispering, who are you? Well, it still approaches. I go to the back of the line. Queep? Yes? Friar Jolly? Yep.

Winifred's heading to the back of the line. What would you like to do? I did Dispel Magic on it, so I don't know if that did anything to it, but it looks like it just rustled a breeze through its hair, and then... Now about five feet away from you two. Alright, I'll look at Queep and say, I'll try and talk to her. You get ready to chop off her goddamn head.

Hello, friend! We come and mean you no harm. I am a man of the cloth. And I will cast light upon my shield, sort of to give it like a gentle glow of the silver flame and be like, I'm an adversarial of the silver flame. Are you in need of help?

Roll a persuasion check, please. Okay. Okay. Okay, I rolled 13 and plus one one 14. It kind of recoils backwards a few inches. Okay.

Like when you say recoil. Oh yeah, because it's a ghost. Scared? It seems cautious. Fragile. Does it seem undead? Oh yeah. Are all undead? Oh, yeah. Are all undead bad, Dan?

Is that just sort of... You never know. It's not saying nothing? It's just saying, who are you? It kind of gasps. Hmm. Who are you? It kind of gasps. Hmm. Who are you in life? It starts very closely while shielding its eyes,

getting closer to you again, about five feet away again. Do you need some kind of help? Yeah, I think it needs an axe through the head, probably. First, guys, try to get closer, even though it's scared of me. That's not good. Queep, let's get a persuasion check from you since you asked. All right. That is a big fat three.

It is now reaching towards you. Towards Kweeb? Yep. I don't like that. I'm going to cast Sacred Flame on it. All right. Remind listeners what this likely new, often reoccurring spell works. Yeah, it's a flame-like radiant.

Silver, specifically, descends on a creature that i can see within range uh it's got to make a dexterity saving throw dc16 great i am doing that right now that's gonna be 14 okay so you are going to take 2d8 plus 5 radiant damage oh boy here comes some serious cleric shit 13 points of radiant damage as silver fire

descends on thee and I'm like away away unholy creature it um it throws both hands up including the one holding the lantern, and you hear this hissing noise as the breeze that dispel magic seemed to cause on its spectral form whips it into almost like a sprinkling dust that then disappears behind it.

The lantern, still glowing, drops rapidly to the floor with a clang. It is all that remains. Hopefully, that was an enemy. Examine that lantern. Does anybody know anything about magic lanterns? I'm going to examine the whole area. Hey, let's rob it and see if a green lantern comes out of it. Okay, who is examining the lantern and who is examining the quote-unquote area?

I will examine the area. Okay. Let's get an investigation check on the area. And who's... Anyone lantern? Anyone touching that lantern? I elbow my way to the front again to examine the lantern. Thank you.

Do an investigation check on that one. All right, Golly. My dice are broken. Why broken dice? that one. Our dolly. My dice are broken. Why broken dice? I'm going to start kind of making my way up past where the

sky was. Moving up a little bit while they're checking out the lantern. I'm just going to start scouting ahead a little bit. Okay. Is that okay? Sure. Let's get those rolls first. Two. A two from Queep? Queep doesn't really know what he's doing unfortunately

he gives it his best um we'll get to you in a second dr uid uh i love that you're scouting ahead a little bit i'm going to reveal some of the area queep you you really did do your best i mean narratively speaking we all know queep means well queep queep is a brave sort um fred you approach this lamp and it it seems to have some sort of tiny figure glowing inside of it tinkerbell it's its hands seem to press up against the glass it also seems spectral no it seems familiar to me can i can i roll to see if i know what this might be arcana or something yeah arcana check sounds perfect

it's not jelf dunham and peanut is it that's only a 14 it is some sort of it looks like ghost lantern okay guys we got ourselves a ghost lantern here. Sweet.

You know, your classic ghost lantern. What's that do? You know, there's a lot of stories about ghost lanterns. I'm sure you've heard them. Is it just like a trapped ghost and we use its glow to light everything? She's not sure. I mean, function-wise.

Well, am I not sure or am I not willing to commit to an interpretation just as of yet? The first of spoils for Ronnie Allen is Merryman! Hey, Ghost Lantern,

I'm writing it down. Are you the ghost lantern i'm taking the ghost lantern wow it feels like it might do some extra thing if you spend some time examining it yeah i like to do a tradition of um attunement where you know if it's a magic item and it says required attunement or it's something new i made up that requires attunement, you study it with an Arcana check it during a rest. It'd be cool if it was like a Bluetooth speaker or something. Awesome. Oh, my gosh. We've got some jams up in here.

Wireless. Lizzo's got a new album. We can listen to that as we explore. Just pump it up as we go. Yeah. All right. Well, you are scouting ahead, Dr. Uwud. And as you head down the path,

you notice it seems to open up into some sort of camp. You think you see crates, some sort of bedding, but no beings at the moment. And it keeps going back there? It's about, let's see, if you look at the map right now, yeah, see where you are right now? Like about 30 feet ahead, it opens up into a larger camping area. Okay, can I kind of like, I'm going to take a quick scan here,

see what I can see, and then report back. Great. Do a perception check please no I always find that amusing but love hearing the number anyway Blaine what was it I rolled a 2 and I have a plus who cares plus 4 so 6 that's not horrible and it's not a botch and I have a plus, who cares? Oh.

Plus four, so six. That's not horrible, and it's not a botch. Yeah, you see what looks like there might be some remains in addition to the crates and bedding laid out, a couple of camping supplies. It looks like someone was staying here, and there might be a body body but it was hard to see you know even with your magic uh elfie type vision it was hard to really get a lay of the land unless you got closer okay i'm gonna go back and uh wait till everybody's got their got their poop in a

pile and then we'll move on oh and i am going to reveal a little bit more on the map so when he relays this you guys can get a the same vibe that you can see on roll 20, which is like, you know. Is there poop in a pile? Not clear. Not clear whether it's poop in a pile. Can I ask? It's not necessarily poop. It's an organic mass of some kind.

Dr. Uwud, you said there was a body. The body's at the floor. A corpse of some kind. Yeah, someplace in there. I couldn't really get a good look. Now, this question is going to seem odd, and I understand that, but I do want to ask you,

did the corpse have a mouth still? Hmm. Dan? Couldn't tell. Couldn't tell. Probably because he had no mouth. No, I didn't see a mouth. Why do you ask?

That's such a specific question. It certainly is. Oh, sorry. I have to bring mother her sandwiches. I think that's Brian who is AFK. I think we should pause for a second. Oh, no, you don't want to keep going? Oh, we could, but it's extremely weird.

We got to make sure we get the sandwiches line in there. Sam, don't cut Chris's amazing sandwiches line. Don't cut the crust off that great joke, Sam. Listen, if no one wants to know what Winifred wants to do with a dead corpse's mouth, then I guess we'll just have to pause here and return next week. Well, it sounds horrible.

Not return next week. I'm not sure I want to ask. Well, I can explain it now. What are you doing? Hey, Winifred, what are you doing? Does anyone... I want to know. I just asked. Brian what are you doing does anyone i want to know i just asked okay brian are you back dan wanted me to wait yeah you're keeping everyone in suspense sorry the whole corpse

mouth situation sorry just trying to figure i uh brian hello are you back yeah yeah okay corpse mouth what happens brian you had a phone call. What was your question exactly, Sarah? My question was whether the corpse had a mouth, and that was not answered to my satisfaction. Right. You'd have to go see yourself. What was your question? I speak to the group.

Why, you ask. I say step it on a barrel again to address the crowd. Why might I want to know whether the corpse has a mouth? The answer, my friends. Blowing in the crowd. Why might I want to know whether the corpse has a mouth? The answer, my friends. Blowing in the wind. Might astound you. In a little... People are talking over me, and I will wait for silence.

The answer lies in a bard's or player's trick known as Speak With Dead. That's what it's called speak with dead i feel like you could have had a more jiji name but that's what it's called speak with dead and the fact is that i may grant the semblance of life and intelligence to a corpse of my choice within range allowing it to answer the questions that i pose however i may only do so if it has a mouth. So, that's the answer to your question. It's very

simple. It's not really a mystery what you knew it the whole time. I knew it. Did you know it? Was it a fun surprise? No. Did you enjoy my performance of the spell?

Yeah, I guess so. I guess we can put it that way. You gonna do this for every time you catch a spell? We shall see. What's my ass? It's a ball of fire. Alright, well, let's go check out this corpse

and wouldn't it be fun to talk to it if we could? Yeah. Sure. All right. Well, Friar Jolly, are you leading with Queep up to the encampment ahead? Sure. Oh, sure.

Yeah. While we go up there, I would just like to ask Ronnie, like, hey, you don't mind that I killed that guy. I know you're the boss and, you know, I don't want to ruffle your feathers or nothing. I am not the boss. Okay, well, whatever. Yes, nice talking to you. Yes, we'll do it often. I cannot

wait. Yes, I think maybe you can, but I'll break you. I don't think you can break me Challenge accepted Ronnie The first of our many famous battles Brian is attempting to stare Chris Dahlman down

Yeah Just let me know how you'd like to approach head of the party Are you Any details or shall I just simply Yeah, just let me know how you'd like to approach head of the party, Queep, and Friar Jolly. Are you... Any details, or shall I just simply... I can't sneak, so I'll walk up there. We're just going. We're marching into this encampment.

Clink, clank, here I come, Friar Jolly. I mean, Bunk is just, like, amazed by the way that you guys get into really intense conversations about whether or not you should move forward or not and then casually just do it. That's how we are, man.

Oh, okay. You guys get into the area and yeah, there is this big open ocean dock here. You guys can see that opening with the mist leads to this big, misty, hard to see everything of dock that boats can come into the cave and use. There's a little side room here.

Oh, whoa. This side room has this sort of blocked-off object that's got like a straw canopy over it. And yeah, there's a body one body it's got its chest cavity ripped open there's no internal organs and it's a little bit desiccated it looks like it's been here for maybe a couple weeks it's got some cobwebs on it but uh otherwise you can still see the remains it looks elven and uh it does still have a mouth, Winifred. I think it's just, if Sarah can just interject, Sarah thinks it's really fucked up and

weird that I need to check if every corpse has a mouth. Like, where's the dividing line between does it still have a mouth? What's the definition of a mouth? How much lip tissue do you need to have to be considered a mouth? It's a weird spell requirement. But Winifred finds it exciting. I would say most corpses have

mouths. Well, no, because it's like I haven't seen a lot of corpses without mouths. But like a mouth requires flesh, right? So like once it's a skeleton, does it have a mouth anymore? Yeah, it's still a mouth. Okay, well then I guess that answers my question. A jaw and everything, I would think it's a mouth.

Okay. Everything sounds like a xylophone when you're talking skeleton. It feels like a puzzle made by Harlan Ellison that they tried to work into D&D or Metallica. Either Harlan Ellison or Metallica devised this

spell requirement. These things must scream and yet. Is Winifred going to do anything untoward with the corpse? Excuse me? Both Sarah and Winifred are extremely offended right now. Untoward? How is she going to react to seeing that she could cast this spell on the corpse? She's going to, let's talk as a group at an adventuring party this

is yes what we're ready for so i the fact is that i can ask it i can ask it five questions um the answers will be brief cryptic or repetitive and it is under no compulsion to offer a truthful answer if i am hostile or if it recognizes me as an enemy. Are you dead? You are? Really? There's three. So, yeah. Before I begin chatting, let's decide as a group what kind of questions we want to ask. I would ask, what happened to make it dead?

What have you seen since you died? Maybe, if it seems like it was maybe after a friendly thing, like maybe it was trying to kill it. Maybe I can ask it if it has any advice for us or, you know, any knowledge you would like to share.

Yeah. Unless it's obvious that it's a fisherman. I don't know. Should I ask who it is first thing? Like, who are you? Sure. Who are you and what happened?

Okay. And then ask for five more wishes. Yes. Okay. sure who are you and what happened and then ask for five more wishes yes um okay is this a jinn powered spell I feel like we should make that clear um okay this corpse can't learn new information

doesn't comprehend anything that has happened since it died and can't speculate about future events we can ask it, what, what it was planning to do when it, right. Yeah.

Yeah. It is like an echo of the being it once was. I'll cast guidance on Winifred again. What happened? Oh, what does that do again? Oh, you can add a D four to an ability check for up to a minute.

And then once you use it, I can give it to you again okay i um i pull out my lyre and i strum a pretty little ringtone face space with a short little ditty did you just think of that uh just now is he asking me if I just thought of that song? Yeah. It's a little improv. Yes, it's a little improv piece. I just did. That's impressive. Thank you.

I really appreciate hearing that. I make a note in my journal. Also, that's a pretty good wire. Ronnie liked that piece. I'll play it again later for you. Did you do any improv? Do you think I did improv? You've got a real improv energy yes and i loved it oh yeah this is hysterical because as everyone knows sarah hated improv and was terrible at it

so now i've locked myself in um okay i asked the, I cast the spell on the corpse. You cast the spell on the corpse and yes, you know, air seems to rush into its chest cavity, making a hissing noise as it, as it, you know, blows up through its throat and its mouth cracks open. Um, it whispers, what would you ask of me? Um, always difficult to whisper on this show, literally. Who are you? Let's see. Well, it's kind of a long story. First, the sound of Dan looking at the Google Doc.

It says, I am Pal Oral, Vonderon Moon Elf. Pal Oral. Pal Oralral Vonderon Moon Elf. Pal-Oral. Pal-Oral Vonderon Moon Elf. Wow. Which you know to be, it is a moon elf of the former moon elf city of Vonderon. You have enough of a sense of the continent to know this. Black Betty. Enough of a sense of the continent to know this.

But, Betty? As you are a native denizen of Cloddenheim, specifically Bozor, you're aware that this was an elven city to the south that has since fallen out of grace. How did you die? There were so many of them. I could not see what they were, but there were feathers and there were claws.

I saw them taking parts of me as I faded away see what they were, but there were feathers and there were claws. I saw them taking parts of me as I faded away. Ugh, harpies, right? Yes. Oh, no, that wasn't a question. Whoops. That was me talking to the group. That was my third question. That's fine. That's fine. Oh, God. That's like a

classic, classic question asking problem when you say right. Hey, what's the bathroom code? 4848. Maybe weaknesses that the harpies possess? Do you have advice for us to avenge

your death and the deaths of all the others at the hands of those harpies? They have no eyes. Okay. They have no eyes. Okay. They have no eyes. It's third. What else do you guys want me to ask? Ronnie?

Hmm. What should we do when we get in there? You keep insisting that you are the leader and you want to be in charge all the time. So he's so mad. I have want to be in charge all the time. He's so mad. I have yet to say that. It's true. You've said the exact opposite.

I was just, I was having a bit of fun, a bit of a laugh. It's what we do backstage in the green room, between shows. It's just for fun. Tell us about one of your improv group warmups. Why is it only fun for you? I'm just wanting to get improv group warmups. Why is it only fun for you? Like, tears spring to Winifred's eyes. Like, big, huge eyes.

Like, she just immediately starts, and her lip starts trembling. Look at her. She's thinking about a cat that got put to sleep. I am so sorry. So she can cry at the audition. I didn't. She seems unstable. I was just trying to have a bit of fun. Please excuse me.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait. We've got two more questions. Can you just manage to be a hero and pull it together for just this moment? I'm sure Ronnie didn't mean anything by his comment. Yes, I did. She takes a deep breath. He is, after all,

saddled with the burden of leadership, and it is a heavy mantle to carry. I was just going to say that it's very subtle, but the desiccated corpse's face seems to convey uncomfortableness. Oh, total cringe. Winifred takes Kweep and Dr. Uyd by the hand and lifts up their hands and is like, please, I beg of you, sirs.

You have been through this before. Would you please ask one question through me? I shall be your vessel to ask this corpse whatever you deem most necessary. You have two more questions. Kweep?

Why did they kill you are you going to give us a dramatic interpretation of Creep's question Winifred why did they kill you why meat only the meat we thought they wanted what we brought, but they only wanted the meat. Good job, Queep. Wonderful work. And Dr. Uwin? What were you planning to do before you were attacked and eaten by the harpies?

Final question, my friend, and then you may rest. Final question, my friend, and then you may rest. What were you planning to do once you got through and then got eaten by the tarpies? Cart got off the track a little bit. Cut to Mylar birthday balloons. Oh no, I wasted a question on the birthday balloons. We brought King Valix's an offering of peace Okay, alright Rest now my friend

I close his eyelids Dramatically Kneeling beside his corpse Okay How often do you curse that spell? How often? Yeah. Sarah will share that it is,

what is it? It's a pretty high level spell, but not, it's like a third level spell. A ruster? It's a long ruster. Yeah, but it's slots. It's all slots now, so I could do it a couple times. I'll just think about, you know, if we come across another one of these elves, we could find out maybe where that tribute is.

Yes. Maybe it's Harpy. Harpies don't like stuff, so they maybe just kind of left it wherever they ate them. Well, he said that they, yeah, he said they thought they wanted the tribute, but they didn't. They just wanted the meat. So can we search around his body now that we know that. Maybe.

Yeah. Yep. Let's get an investigation check from everybody. You've definitely got something. I'll put guidance on everybody too. So people can add a D four to their role. A D four. You said,

well, that's not going to matter to me. I do. So I got a 24. Nice. Oh, my gosh. So natural. Holy shit.

I slipped on a banana peel. I didn't discover anything. I bought fives. It was very funny. I got a 19. I found out I'm stupid looks like Ronnie you got a 19 too yeah plus

D4 2 awesome so yeah those are pretty high checks from Winifred, Ronnie and Friar Jolly you guys are all kind of kicking the camp over, trying to figure stuff out.

It looks like there used to be supplies for about, like, six elves. You can also, like, look out on the dock, and there are the shattered remains of a boat. Not much, just a few planks sticking up, and you can see it's been smashed, and the ocean has pulled much of it back out of this docking area. a lot of the food is just gone there's like almost no organic material

left except for this guy's corpse but you do see like a hand with some of the flesh stripped off of it leaning up against a wall and back in the corner uh you know, all these supplies are just gone. Like, they've really taken pretty much everything of value, except you see that sort of, like, thing that's got a little fence almost in front of it, this sort of canopied box.

The lid has been very roughly ripped open, and it looks like something was inside and is now gone. But it does, there is claw marks everywhere, much like there is on the supplies. It looks like whoever took it did it in a very... Winifred, you're noticing this

with your just sort of dramatic interpretation of the whole situation. You see emotions in the claw rips, but also mindless fury and hunger. It looks like they were just hoping food was here and there was something that they still thought might be food. And there are a few marks where it appears to have been

dragged farther up into the tunnel to the north. Ooh. Okay. Interesting. The docks do go a little bit farther and I'll reveal them. They go a little bit farther

towards the mouth of the cave. It looks like there used to be many ships that would dock here. there used to be many ships that would dock here this used to be maybe somewhere a long time ago where people would come and i don't know do something cultural with the city of vendaria when it was not evil but since it warped back into this plane of existence it has become a terrible place and it looks like it has been in disuse and those moon elves probably came here hoping things would be much more normal than they were.

Hmm. Should we head north and follow the draggy marks? Yeah, see what was in the crate. Maybe we can send our scout out ahead to check first in case the harpies are like right there.

Provide me. Am I the scout or am I too clanky? That's Ronnie, isn't it? Yeah, I think it's Ronnie. All right. Well, we'll have to find out what Ronnie may find as the valiant leader of this crew. God damn it.

On the next episode of Nerd Poker. Hey, Sam, what do you think happened? Well, I'd be happy to tell you on episode three. Led by our fearless leader, Ronnie, we're headed into the cave. You son of a... We've learned why Bunkle Chee Rides was such a passion, his beloved donkey. We had a very sad ninja show off. We did venture into the spooky cave and we met something that the monk immediately diagnosed as needing an axe to the head.

We found a little somebody encased in glass and we're all saying the word spectral a lot. We're seeing if this corpse has a mouth, and this conversation about what a mouth is reminds me of that time Bill Clinton was like, depends on what the definition of is is. We're asking the corpse some questions and learning that it's a moon elf and that the harpies have no eyes. And finally, we found a box that's been clawed open like how you open Taco Bell when you're drunk. Oh, Taco Bell. Oh, drunk.

I went there the other day and they were out of Mexican pizzas and there was somebody behind me and I couldn't back up. I went to the one by Brian's house and it was just that McDonald's. I'm on a Mexican pizza. For a limited time. Mexican pizza. They never have them when they say they're going to. Dan. Well, I do not have the San Diego show to plug anymore because it just would have happened.

So thank you, everyone who came to see me and Brian at the American Comedy Club. That was fun, wasn't it? But if you come out, I can't believe that one lady. Oh, man. Oh, she laughed't believe that one lady. Oh man. Oh, she laughed at everything. Thank goodness. Yeah.

That's what I was going to say. And then she got on the news. Real plugs real quick. I have a show in Los Angeles at the Glendale room, August 2nd, where there will be comedians performing, not only myself, but some comedians

who I'm pulling out the line up. Jackie Cation, Ever Maynard, Crystal Adams. Jackie was on the last bill and had to not do it due to an emergency, but Jackie's back. And there'll be some other fun comedians as well. I would love to see you at the Glendale Room on August 2nd

and I will be in Chicago at the Lincoln Lodge headlining on October 21st and 22nd. There's not a link up. Keep an eye out for the link. Chicago is where I am from so hopefully you'll see me posting that all over the place.

That is it for me. Hey, I'm hosting Lucha Vovum on the 29th of July downtown, by the way. Oh, nice. Check it out. My next gig isn't until August, but I'm going to be at Vulcan. I think it's called the Vulcan Gas Company, a new room in Austin, Texas. I will be there.

I've got Cobbs coming up in San Francisco, my favorite place in my favorite city. Please come to those shows. That's in September. But BrianPastine.com for tour dates. Blaine, what's going to happen next week? We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof.

On the next Nerd Poker, Dan says dan says oh the way glenn miller played chris says songs that made the hit parade ken says guys like us we had made brian says shut up i'm trying to sleep all this and shirley cha-cha moldowney versus Shirley Floss Muldowney in the Battle of the Shurleys to the death on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416.

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