Nerd Poker - S5E41 To Puzzle Or Not To Puzzle

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

Now that the herd has been thinned out a bit (RIP beloved NPC) it's time for everyone to make a choice- do they try to crack the elaborate puzzle laid out before them in the enchanted door, or do they smash through it because puzzles are for jerks? To our credit, we do CONSIDER the first option. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker.

It's episode 41. Got my friends here. You know them. You love them. There's Sarah. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hello. There's Sarah. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hello. Ken is here.

Hi. Hello. Hey. Oh, hey. Hi. Hey. Blaine. Oh, hey. Hi. What's up, you guys? I love when Remy's ready to go. Ramen, I mean. Chris is here. Ramen, I mean. Chris is here. Hey, bonjour! What's up, buddy?

Dan Telfer. Hoo-ah! Got you all in check. Sam is here with this $40 million dog creature, would you call it? It's not a dog. Yeah. Hello, sweet children.

How you doing, man? I'm good. Now has he had a walk? Yes, he has. Now he's had a walk and he's pooped and he's all happy. Great. What about the dog? See what I am.

What's the one you do, Chris? Y'all ready for this? Y'all ready for this? Yesroom! Vroom! Vroom! Y'all ready for this? Yes. This is how we do it. Wait. Dan?

We should start a band. Yeah, totally. You guys have gorgeous singing voices. So do I, obviously. Dan? Oh, yeah, Brian, what would you like me to sing for you? Oh, I don't know. How about a song about thanking some people?

Okay. I'm going to go ahead and thank some Patreon supporters who go by names like Stuart Luck. Thank you, Stuart. Thank you, Daniel, whom I care for deeply. Thank you, Crown. Thank you, Daniel, whom I care for deeply. Ooh. Thank you, Crown Prince Li Cheng.

Thank you, Bradley the Bagel Baron. Nice. Thank you, Nerd Poker is the best podcast in the world. For me to poop on. Hey. You had us in the first half. I was so excited, and then I was sad. Thank you, Dr. Fistington.

I gotta stop going to that guy. Thank you, These Shoes Don't Walk Themselves. Thank you, John Crawley. Thank you, It's the B-Hole Because It Does B-Work. Thank you, Slappy McSack. Don't do that to yourself.

Thank you, Wes Bell. Thank you, Firm Rip. Thank you, Richard Tracer Milhouse Nixon. AKA Dick Tracer. Get it? Thank you, Enlarged Golbar Engorging Gagos Gonads. I don't even think engorging a gonad is a good idea. Thank you, Chris Bakos.

Thank you, Nakama Toys Chicago Unlimited Toys. I should have sang that one, but I didn't. Thank you, James Hadaway. Thank you, Carlos. Oh, my goodness. Umelimehe. Oh, boy, that's a name. Umelimehe. And finally,'s a name. Umelimehe

And finally, thank you, A Baby Ate My Dingo. Oh, your poor dingo. Blaine, who were those deceased dingoes brought to us by? Deceased dingoes brought to us by Johnson & Johnson Adult Shampoo. Yes, more tears.

Lots more tears. And from Tushy Bidet, it's the Tush Light. The Tushy specifically for your penis. From the makers of Pushy, the bidet specifically for people who are pushy. Dan? Thanks, Blaine. These are

products I need in my life to exit. Alright. Time to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Ronnie's raiders were unable to stop Bunk from turning himself into a pile of garbage. It is

now time to figure out how to get through this door with some glowing shit on it. We now take it to the Ronnie's raiders already in progress. So guys, what's going on in your neck of the woods? What you thinking? Well, didn't, well, Bunk's, Bunk was powdered

and there was a poem spoken about him. We all miss him. And now we're going to try to get, we're going to try to go, what, north without touching anything? No, there's this statue thing. Maybe it's literally the words like Hail King Valax

because remember... Why are you trying to be so nice to him, though? Oh, because we think that we need to be like, Hail? I don't know. I don't like the idea of even pretending. But it gets us through the door. What you got with that 25 perception check last episode to Friar Jolly, was you noticed when you

knelt and said, Hail Mighty Valix, the crown and the necklace and his staff all glowed a pale blue for a moment before you were knocked back. Can I go up and give myself guidance

and inspect those three? I wonder are you supposed to touch those? touch those? Are they, like, buttons or something like that? Okay. So, you go up and you place a hand across the base relief. They don't depress or anything. You don't get shocked. You don't get

killed or turned into ash. It does feel, just like, getting up close to it, like, those three specific things were carved with specificity and intention. But that's about it. And there's no like plaques or anything in here that are telling us what to do.

Nope. And what is it? It's a crown, a necklace, and a staff? He's got it. It's like a royal staff, which is scepter-like, except that it is several feet high and placed on the ground. Is the three sarcophagi that are here, do they look like they've been cleaned? Is there any evidence of these things being disturbed or people walking up to them?

I mean, it does look like only maybe a few days' dust on it tops. But, you know, how much dust is down here in another dimension is unclear. Another dimension. They're rotting! down here in another dimension is unclear. Another dimension. Hey, Ryan!

Oh, go ahead. I was going to say, so three here, three cups, the three things in the other room, too. Do we think any of that that that's all related? Three, three, three. Well, I mean, they're the guts of the sacrificed elves, right?

Oh, I thought that was the other room. I think there's three more in here. Okay. But I wonder if that has to... The fact that there's three cups with three powers and the ghost was like, choose your power. I think you would notice, having looked closely at the other urns

and now having been in this room, there are the plaques with things written in abyssal on them, on the three urns, correspond with plaques that are on all three of these sarcophagi. So it appears these are the names of elves. The rest of their bodies. Yes. What are they? Can I read the names? They've had their rivers sacrificed separately.

Do I recognize them? You can do a history check. Okay. I will. Oh. 11. Okay. You don't recognize them,

but there are uh three names would you i failed at this last time sir would you like me to uh whisper them to you or just paste them in the chat oh i mean i think names you can just tell us okay so there's anything that requires you know a certain time or a voice a certain mood these are oops

these are the three names that you see written in abyssal and mutton oar they get you pretty far in this room

so what are they? You guys reading them? Yes. They're in the chat. Queen Forza. Queen Fosra. Fosra, yeah. King Lord Phantra

and Queen Gors. So what are these? TikTok stars? Or YouTubers? or YouTubers? I would say it seems likely these are deceased leaders of Vendaria.

Hashinka, do you recognize any of these? I think vaguely they are elves. Yes, they seem Vendarian in nature, but I am of a I'm from the continent of Vestan. I do not know Cloddenheim royalties

so well. Can I do a history check on these guys, see if I remember anything? Yes. Also, I guess you guys looked close enough at the other urns, you would notice these were on the three in the other room as well. 20 plus 3, 23. Yeah, Dr. Uyghur, these are all former rulers of Vendaria.

They seem to trace back about as far back as you're aware of, which would be a few centuries. Like two, three centuries. So if we crack these coffins and there is a corpse inside that still has a mouth, I could cast Speak With Dead on it. Dang! And ask it five questions.

But I would think that we'd want to, A, be prepared with the questions. And yeah, it still has to have a mouth, so it can't be a pile of dust. Do you want to try that? Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. And just for listeners, the three other plaques in the other room

where Bunk got turned to powder were King Eldrin II, Queen Pastra, and Prince Dynas. Oh, okay. So they were different. Sorry. Is Eldrin II the son of Eldrin II, Queen Pastra, and Prince Dynas. Oh, okay. So they were different. Sorry. Is Eldrin II the son of Eldrin? I would say Blaine. Blaine would be able to say that different Eldrin, not son of Eldrin. Got it.

Kind of like how there's a John Paul Pope and there's a John Paul Beatles. I thought it was Eldrin III was the one that we were familiar with. Eldrin III was the king who was in the Golden Sarcophagus. So here we have a second Eldrin. Eldrin I is nowhere to be seen. But Eldrin II would have been his father.

Please, don't call me Eldrin III. Eldrin II was my father. But, right? I mean, that's how things work sometimes okay uh maybe not are you okay no are you we've been trapped in this fucking nightmare elevator shaft where people are just turning to dust every time you turn around um all right so it doesn't make any... Is there any logic to who we would pick, Dan? Like, as far as... I would say I'm going to put them in the order

that you would know they ruled from most recent up top. I'm typing out King Eldren III for reference. So this is what it kind of looks like in order. You would be able to, Dr. Uyd, say, okay, the oldest of these is Queen Gors. The most recent is King Eldren II, and King Eldren III is the guy you killed in the Golden One.

That's descending order. So you guys can pick which one, and then what do you want me to ask? What are your feelings on Valix? And then go from there, or... Ask about that door. Do you feel like they'll know, though? Because they're just going to know stuff they knew in their...

In their time? In their life, life right so it's more like you know yeah so i don't know if actually it'll be that helpful we can ask them how do you defeat the you know super lich it says the corpse can't learn new information doesn't comprehend anything that has happened since it died, and can't speculate about future events. So maybe this isn't that helpful. Yeah, I would say, Blaine, Dr. Ewood would know this isn't the kind of royalty where somebody dies and then the title is passed on. This is the kind of thing where there is a hierarchy, but the ruler can retire and pass

things on to their children. So it's possible that the top couple were alive while Valix was alive, at least. I would think King Eldren II. So we can basically get more information about Valix or whoever potentially,

but not necessarily more information about this room. I mean, maybe, but I don't know. All right. Let's try it. It's still cool. Let's do it. Yeah. Ronnie, what do you think?

You want to speak to a specter? Not me personally, but. Well, get ready. They're on the phone. They're on the other line. They want to talk to you. Ronan, stall. Stall!

All right. You going to rip a coffin open the way kids do? What you doing? Yeah. Yeah. I leave that to you guys to decide which one.

Is there a way to do that without touching it? Yeah. And to do it. Yeah. Magi hands with respect unseen servants

is in case like a mage hand to put a rope around the edge and we could just pull the rope. Interesting. Yeah.

Wasn't there a sketch in I think you should leave where it was just coffins coffin flops on corncob tv one of the funniest things I've ever seen we need someone to just drop a bunch of coffins pop out these bodies so we can have a chat I didn't stage those coffins

I didn't do fucking shit real live corpses falling stage those coffins. I didn't do fucking shit. Real, real life corpses falling out of coffins. All right. Well, you guys' job is to get a coffin open for me to have a chit chat. All right. Well, can we borrow your mage hand for a moment? Yes.

Use it to tie the rope around the lid. I do, but first I use it to tickle Friar Jolly to try to put a smile on his face. Uh-oh. No, he's like the Pillsbury, but not your nethers. Jesus. I mean, Orcus or whatever. Control the mage hand?

Okay, so yeah, I do whatever they tell me with the mage hand, other than okay, so yeah, I do whatever they tell me with the mage hand, other than tickling people's nethers. You creep. Cool. Can I get a survival check with advantage? On me? For whoever's doing the mage hand, so yes.

Oh, I have a plus nine. You're getting... Well, here's the thing. The survival check is with advantage because someone else did the rope to help you. Okay. So it's going to one of you, so you can roll, I suppose, instead,

Friar Jolly, as you're doing the rope. But it's either the person making the rope or the person doing the mage hand is going to do the rolling well i will let you i will let you if you like to okay then you should do it because i already got it even with advantage so can we change it now i'll allow the problem because i already announced it i'm real loosey-goosey dming here but yeah why don't we we let Chris give it a shot? It will cancel yours out, though. So if he rolls...

No, it doesn't matter. The lowest he can roll is a 10. Can I give myself guidance? Yes, you can. So the lowest you can roll will definitely be a 10. So the first one's a natural 20. You can do better. That tickling really put you in put you in a good mood do you even bother doing it again i'm good with that one dan we'll throw a guidance on there at least oh all right

let's just see if you break the 30 mark it's yeah 29 plus plus three 32 Jesus so you know how like sometimes you'll accidentally like drop like a little bottle of Mountain Dew and it'll somehow land on its little tiny it'll just

land in this way that's like perfect balance and be like wait what the fuck just happened you perfectly put the rope around the coffin lid in such a way that when, when a Fred grabs the rope with the mage hand and pops it off, it perfectly just goes like flips and goes clack against the wall and just sits there leaning against the wall, revealing a skeletal body in robes.

That's me. You guys. Hi. And this was King Eldrin. The second is what I That's me, you guys. Hi. What's happening? And this was King Eldrin II is what I remember you were doing this for. Yes. Bet you're wondering how I got in this position. Record shut.

All right. So, does it have a mouth? It sure does. It has a skull-like skeletal jaw. Yes. The jaw's getting loose. Okay, so we did not, as requested, prep some questions ahead of time. Well, you can do that now.

Yeah. Yeah, you haven't cast the spell yet. We knew what area we were going to ask. Sort of. I mean, we know now that it can't really probably answer anything questions about the room, we don't think. So it's kind of...

Yeah, we'll just be like... Let's ask them one or two. How do you feel about... We should start with like, are they pro or anti, right? It does say that they can refuse to answer. Or they can be like... They can lie to me, I think, if they think I'm an enemy.

Wouldn't they know, though, about technically, like... They don't know that after they died, they were buried in here. But they would know about this tomb, right? They might. This is the tomb of the great kings of Valeria. Ask if they know who brought them here when they were brought here. Or if there's a secret room. Yeah, I guess

it can take a look around. Can it take a look around? Yeah, I could be like, do you know anything about the tomb, you know, this room? And the door, right? And the door, yeah, okay. Do you want me to ask if it knew King Valix in life? tomb, you know, this room. And the door, right? And the door, yeah, okay. And then, do you want me to ask if it knew King Valix in life?

I think that's the specialty of this thing, right? It's a Valix expert. And then what else do we want to know about him? Like, what his favorite colors were? Where is a good bar in that water village? If he were interviewing for a job, what would he say his greatest weakness was?

Oscar picks. We could say, Valax has turned himself into a lich. How can we defeat him? Okay. That's a good start. So I'll start by asking if they knew Valax in life, then I'll ask if they knew anything about this room,

and then I'll ask about that. Sound good? And the puzzles they're in. That sounds good. Okay. What's the cheat code? Cheat code, don't be discouraged. Answers are usually brief, cryptic, and repetitive.

Left, left, down, down. Okay. All right. Go for the fruit and finish off the dots. You're casting Speak with Dead. Yes? Yes. So this is third level

necromancy. You're not doing that at a higher level or something, are you? It doesn't look like there's any advantage to different levels. I don't think so, no. I think you may as well just do third level, yeah. Alright. So, you cast Speak With Dead over the

body, and it very quietly tightens up its skeleton so that the dislocated shoulders and jaw kind of snap into place. And you see it kind of organically adjusting. It stays laying there. It's like my snake after he eats a mouse,

he has to realign his jaw. So first I'm just going to say, hello, I'm sorry to disturb your rest and i hope that you've been resting peacefully um i just have a few quick questions for you um and please let me know if there's anything that i can do for you uh my first question is um in life, did you know King Valix? It tilts its skull to the side and opens its jaw, not mimicking the words with its jaw, but a sort of wind comes out of its open mouth and you hear it say, yes. yes now it said

it Chris it said it can't comprehend anything that happened after it's dead so I can't actually say oh it turned into a

Valix turned into a lich and it can't even comprehend it correct it can't even understand

wrap it around that's what it says so it's like a book basically it can't learn understand the idea. That's what it says. So it's like a book, basically. It can't learn. Yes, right. You can ask it how to kill a lich. If it has any experience. I mean, it's not as though

we have to kill a witch lich. Let's start with, so that's one out of five. Let's start with, we right now appear to be in a great tomb of some sort. Dedicated to the kings and queens of Vendaria. Dedicated to the kings and queens of Vendaria. Can you tell me anything about this room or perhaps even this door that lays right behind you?

that lays right behind you? It cocks its head to this side and you hear its voice say, this is a sacred place. The families of Vendaria lie here. There are artifacts here. There are bodies here, but it is sacred and a place of good. The door to the north leads to a private study

for the royals only. Hmm. Okay, so it thinks it's still a place of good, which we know it's not anymore, question mark, right? Yeah, because of those orcas jugs. Okay, so is that two questions? So, how about I say, in your time, if you had had to fight and defeat a lich king who was trying to bring evil upon your kingdom, what tools would you use? The voice says,

I would search for weaknesses in the form of pride and use tools of radiant good. Okay. What's three? That's the scimitar that we found. Radiant good. Okay. What's three? That's the scimitar that we found. Radiant good. I mean, you picked it off a corpse of your friend. I don't know if it's really the scimitar that you found specifically for this.

Unrelated. But what would you say King Valix's greatest weaknesses were? he did not care for the customs or the history of Vendaria only of himself. There we go. One more question, guys. I would suggest seeing as it knows so much about the private study behind that door. Yeah. How do we get through that fucking door, bro? How do we access the private study behind that door. Yeah. How do we get through that fucking door, bro?

How do we access the private study? We want to do this to preserve all that is good in your kingdom. Each ruler creates a personal spell with the high wizard that requires bringing artifacts to the door. Artifacts only the ruler would have access to. When it says the word to, it slumps back into a pile of inanimate bones, its jaw and arms redislocating from its torso. Thank you.

Well, shit. thank you well shit so we need those things those specific things that glow do you think yeah we gotta find scepter staff crown do they look familiar to us um no you I could make you roll but no no matter how high it is none of you

have seen these things in person. Well, if it's a spell, I wonder, can we... I thought we had a spell magic. Let me walk that back for a second. Can I get a history check from Dr. Uid only? Ooh. Can I give him guidance? His elven history.

He doesn't know that he needs guidance, so I'm going to decline for once. 18, 321. Oh, well, look at that. Yeah, you know, this looks sort of like the royal garments that the king of Vendaria would wear. You're not of Vendaria.

You are of the wood. But you do recognize this as what the king of Vendaria would customarily wear at ceremonies. So this looks like he is, you know, wearing royal ceremonial jewelry and a crown and staff. and a crown and staff. So it's not the thing that we need is not buried with them.

We could go back up to that weirdo that prisoner who was building the ship. Remember? In that tower? We could ask them if they might have any clues as to where King Valix holds his horcrux. But do you think we could try to just, if it's a spell, can we just try to like break through the spell, dispel the magic? Dispel the magic?

Let's get an insight check from everybody, please. 16 and 8, please. 16 and 8. 24. 23. 23. 28. Oh, my God. Yeah.

We're very insightful today. Hump Day Insights. 13 plus 3, 16 for Ronnie the leader. All right. You guys all rolled really well, so I will not say who is the smartiest pantses, but you can compare those numbers privately and just think about who you're better than.

So you guys pieced together this very well might be three things that are behind the three doors on the other side of the tomb. Uh, you mean in that, in that room that we went into? The three stone doors that the ghost gestured to. Ah, ha, ha. We got to play cups and caves.

Oh man. I tried so hard not to have to deal with that. Yeah. This, uh, ended up at right back where we started. Boy. Okay.

So what do you think? I mean if you want me to try to dispel the magic first and see if that you know before we go through the whole rigmarole or we can just go yeah with the high rolls you do too you do think there is a possibility that the magic maybe could be dispelled but it would probably be of a very

high level if the high wizard put this together right yeah how high can you cast it I can only cast it at could be dispelled, but it would probably be of a very high level if the High Wizard put this together. Right. How high can you cast it? I can only cast it at third level, so. I can cast it at fifth level. You think that's worth it? Cast that spell.

Yeah. Great. Right, we'll try. That's what I will do. I'll pray to the Silver Flame and I like i know uh i tried to get you before and you were busy uh don't need that much just really want to get rid of this uh dorky statue puzzle thing no biggie just help us beat Orcus. Let's get that spell ability check there, Chris. Is that what it is? Yeah, you make the DC is 10 plus your spells

level, so... Or the spell of the magic that was cast. Oh, that's the DC. Okay, so I'm just running a spell attack? Yes. Copy that. Okay, so

I'm going to roll d20 and my bonus is 9. I rolled a 12 plus 9, so 21. You hear a hissing noise as you cast it. As though something has been dissolved? Yeah.

Like, almost just like a shh, like coming off of the door. Damn. Do you want me to try to maintain the door open? Well, I think it's got to be that phallic thing. Remember, I got shoved away. Right. Maybe it's because I didn't have the shit.

Yeah, and I do think all of you would be kind of like, well, there's not a handle on it. We still might have to smash it or something if we get the spell magic on it, but yeah. Oh, smash our way through? Oh.

Only we had a leader to lead us through this door. I can do knock, remember? I just realized that could have suppressed the spell, too. Try that. But that was if it's... It's going to make a loud noise, that's the only thing. There it is.

Is that okay, Dan? Can I do that? Yeah, yeah. I just was waiting for you to say you were doing it. Okay, so if it's held shut by a mundane lock, it will become unlocked, unstuck, or unbarred. If it has multiple locks, only one is unlocked. If it's held shut with an arcane lock, the spell is suppressed for 10 minutes. A loud knock will emanate from the target object

when I cast it. Okay. Ronnie's ready. So you cast knock on the door and you you hear a loud pop and then a series of clacks.

Clacks. Pops and clacks. Does it like open? I you might know if you touch it okay I made him then give it a little shove you shove it and the door just kind of goes like

back and forth a little bit like it's wobbling like a domino on its end knock that shit down Kool-Aid man. Oh, yes. Who's doing it? Anybody?

Friar Jolly just said he does. Yeah, kick that shit. Friar Jolly just said he knocks it down. Okay, let's straight strength check for Friar Jolly, please. Oh, me? Guess what? Oh, not great.

If you want to body check the door, yes. It's a 15. Yeah, that's enough. So you give it a big shoulder check and the whole thing just falls in and you see a cave with, are you ready? Braziers that are magically lit.

Braziers? Braziers D are magically lit. Braziers? Braziers, dear Equine. The only way to win this game is not to play. We avoided doing any of the weird tasks. Can you imagine how long it would take to find that fucking scepter? It's probably at the top of a tower all the way up there. I would say you guys would be able to put together that if you had dealt with trying to get the crown,

the staff, and the necklace, some seriously bad shit would have had to go down. Yeah. A lot of work. You appear to have skipped the hard stuff. Nice. We learned the lesson of bunk. Or did.

His life has purpose and meaning. Finally, it has paid off for you guys to be extraordinarily careful about everything. To bunk. Okay, so we're going to go down into the study. Yeah. So, yeah, if you all start

heading down, you notice the path will continue beyond this. But first, you see ahead of you, there is a small chamber with some sort of glowing blue

magic-looking fluid coming out of a fountain of sorts. I think you might put in a chalice. Huh. I thought chalice didn't live here anymore. Jesus Christ. Sorry, I bit my own tongue trying to stop myself

from saying that stupid fucking joke. It's like Tourette's. It is. It really is. Form of blurting. Hope you never get fixed, Blaine. Yeah. I don't think he can. Wait till later for that.

I got fixed when I was, what, two months. Well, does anyone want to lead us down this hallway, Blaine? Sure. Let's go. Are you... Well, there is those braziers. There's sort of like this magic glowing flame

coming out of them. And there's this fountain. I don't know if you guys want to acknowledge the fountain at all. I won't even look at it. Does it seem to be radiating the ancient good that the dead body of Eldrin II was talking about, or does this seem

to feel a little bit more like a death orcish magic? It does seem to be like some sort of pleasantly glowing magic if you like i can get an arcana check from anyone who can cast magic certainly which is three of you i believe i will have fizzbord roll also guess 17 i got a. I got a natural 20 plus five. Woo! That's pretty tough for Fizzbork to beat.

Boop-a-doop. Yep, he botched. Womp-womp. Winifred, you believe this is some sort of rejuvenating sort of rejuvenating sort of like magical water that uh it looks like it has not necessarily any kind of evil to it um it looks very ceremonial in nature nothing about it seems like it is uh it is evil though It almost seems like it is...

Like a lot of the carvings you saw back in the tomb that had nothing to do with Alex. Okay, can I touch the water? Sure. You just let it run over your hand? Yeah, do I feel like I'm being healed? I am down some hit points. your hand or yeah do i feel like i'm being healed i am down some hit points uh so you run your hand under it now you have a baby hand it's really weird yep i'm a useful um all right you feel a warmth circulate throughout your body kind of like when you you get a CT scan and get the little iodine injection.

So unfortunately, it does feel like you peed yourself. But on the positive side, you now gain five temporary hit points. Ooh. Do her dead fingers grow back? They've never looked better. She did have them magically repaired. Yeah. But we all know the truth.

Once again, I raise one of those fingers right in Fry Jolly's face. And it's this one. It's my index finger. I say you're number one. You're number one. She's calling you P. I'll follow Winter Fred's lead

and pick some of the holy water. Oh, you will? I'll follow winter Fred's lead and, and, uh, take some of the, uh, holy water. Oh, you will not such a bad idea. Now,

is it? Oh, no, you've shown us all the way. Right. Guys, you want some temporary hit points? Just,

uh, put some of the cups on this water. Hello? Should we fill our, should we fill our canteens with it? I wonder, I don't know what happened if you drink it, I guess.

I mean, you rolled so high. I would say Sarah Winifred would know this. This would likely not have the same magic, magical effect if you took it out of the flowing. Okay. It's the fountain that it's kind of in. The fountain is part of the magic, and you think it would just sort of become water if you took it away. Okay.

But, if you would all like to let it run over your hands, you will all get five temporary hit points. Yeah, let's do it. Sweet. Thank you. There's a section on D&D Beyond that is just for temporary

to the right of your hit points if you see it. Alright. As you do it, you do hear a voice come from around the corner and say uh who has entered the

royal study oh do you recognize the voice it is a deep feminine voice oh Brenna Vaccaro we know authoritative is it me no uh it is not Brett Vaccaro? We know her. Is it me?

No, it is not. It's Miley Cyrus, isn't it? Seriously, do we don't recognize it as someone we know? No, none of you recognize it. Insight check. Oh, we don't? No, there's no way any of you have met this person. Not the queen, one of the dead queens, is it?

Find out. So, yeah. After a moment, a figure comes around the corner. It is a royal-looking elf. She is drow, so she is a dark elf. And she carries a staff. And she says, what are you doing here?

Oh, you know us? What are you doing here? Oh. This is where I am doomed to wander. Who doomed you? King Valix we got great news for you we are here to

defeat and destroy him that sounds like a lovely end to his story I wish you the best of luck I have seen none other make it as far as this he is right there she points down the tunnel. On the other side of some doors,

just around the corner, is King Valix. We did it. We made it, guys. We won. Really? All right. Good job, everybody.

Thank you, Dan. If you doubt her, you are all welcome to roll an insight check. Oh, okay. I thought you were getting to the big boss battle. Brian is very suspicious of making a face. okay. I thought you were getting to the big boss battle. Brian is very suspicious

of making a face. 23. No, he's dead. I don't... I don't... I don't... I think he's a fool. 23.

We got 23. 22. Insight. Uh-huh. That's what you wanted. 13 plus 8, 21. I'm just now realizing Ken's Zoom name is Ken Queen

with like seven E's. Perception helper. I'm fun. Perception won't really do much for you unless you're looking around the room. I didn't roll great. I botched. I mean, if you roll above a 20,

I think you would know that this queen's sort of tone is very wry in nature. She seems to be sort of doubtful of your abilities, but she seems to speak honestly, as far as you can tell. What can you tell us about King Valix right now? Wait, did we believe, did the insight mean that I believe her? Yeah, she's...

She's, yeah. He is in a meeting. He's in a meeting? He is. What the hell? With who? He is forming an alliance with one whose name I cannot speak. I have unfortunately been cursed so that there are certain things I cannot say.

It's not Orcus, is it? Is it Orcus? She doesn't react to you saying that. Can you spell it? Can we do some charades? Is it not Orcus? I am magically unable to react to your question on the matter. So it is Orcus.

Guys, it might be Orcus. What's your name? Sounds like an NDA. My name? All right, well, let's go get killed. Wait, I just asked her what her name was. What? Let her speak.

Eh, fuck it. Post your force, of course. Bye-bye, I i'm gonna take a nap let's draw women speak uh she tells you her name is queen zinza uh she is a queen of the the drow elves hoshinka makes a face and tells all of you that queen zinza was supposed to have died a very long time ago. Oh, wow. What did you do to get doomed to wander these halls? I attempted to form an alliance with King Valix. And you like it?

He tricked me. I will say that. I cannot say much more, but a bargain was made. And though I got what I wanted, I unfortunately fell into a trap. And what did you want? Yeah. What did you want? I wanted power to take back to my people.

So yeah, any tips or tricks for us here? Sure. You'll probably want to be demigods before you go through that door. Check and check. Right. You'll probably want to make right with your god if you have one. You will

want to learn as much as you can in the way of having your spells prepared, as it were, and I suppose I wish you the best. Suppose? Well, thanks for nothing.

There's that rightness. How does one go about becoming a demigod? Not that we don't know, because of course we all already are, but hypothetically. Hypothetically, one would want something that once belonged to a god that they left amongst the mortal plane. You don't have any of that stuff, do you? No, I mean, if I'm being perfectly honest, I'm mostly giving you shit. Yeah, I don't feel like we want to really become demigods, even if we could.

The problem with becoming a demigod is there hasn't really been a new god or someone attempting to ascend to godhood in eons. So generally when it happens that someone becomes a demigod, it's because they are doing it through rather nefarious necromantic ways. Right. So I think she's just saying there's no help for us. We should rest up, have our full powers available to us,

and then just go for it. Sounds right. Yeah. Yeah, I suppose. available to us and then just go for it sounds right yeah yeah i suppose if we like lean our head closer to the door does the like boss battle music start and then so yeah i mean you hear uh like i'll open up the rest of the tunnel at this point for you um there's the little chamber off to the south here that queen zinzo was in um but if you go farther west you do see there is a large double wooden door that would theoretically lead to the study and yeah as you get closer winter fred you hear the uh teenage mutant ninja turtle arcade game boss music when rock steady and bebop show up kind of playing on the other side of him like that oh hey so yeah i have my doubts on the half shell that's passive insight you know that would happen sure i think you're all kind of like ah it's like it, it feels, it feels like you're very close

to, at the very least, a private room he was just in. Okay. Well, let's, I say let's rest, right? Yeah. Unless everybody, I need, I definitely need spells and everything back. And we could use,

I guess we can't use the hut because we just used it. So can we ask her to wake us if No, because I feel like it'll do you want to be freed from here, right? Presumably if we kill him that will happen.

I cannot say what it is that I want unfortunately, but I think that you might be able to guess what I want. Okay, I am very empathetic. It's part of my work. I'm not sure if in life you ever saw a performance at the, what is it called? Bozor, right?

Why do I keep forgetting? I keep saying, thinking of weird names. The Free People of Bozor. Yeah, yeah. I'm not sure if you ever came our way, but, you know. Okay, so does she agree to, like, wake us if, or I guess we'll be on, we'll have to have watches anyway, so. Pretty fast.

She says, I am forbidden from helping you in any way. I feel like that doesn't count as help. You could just sort of write it off like, oh, did you get in too much beauty rest? She sort of narrows her eyes at you and says, oh, you mean like write it off like the IRS won't notice if I just make a little exception kind of situation. It doesn't mean like conscience wise,

but okay, we'll have our, guys, should we do our rest system? Yes. Yeah, I'll take one. We only have to do eight hours because there are a couple of people who don't have to take the full, right? Right. I'm actually good. Winifred's asleep.

Ronnie, I'll just take first watch with Kweep. Hey, Ronnie, let's watch. Okay. Can I get perception checks from you guys? No. You can pry in for my cold, dead hands. 24. That's fantastic.

That's a good one. 21. I have a feeling Brian was giving me shit. Yeah, there it is. There's that roll. Both of you notice after everyone has been quiet for a little time, uh both of you notice after everyone has been quiet for a little time queen uh queen zinza by the way she just kind of like wanders a little bit back into her chamber and just sort of leans against the wall and sits she's pretty miserable there are these weird little shadows that that

start to move independent of the light being cast from the braziers. And about a dozen little balls of darkness start to bounce towards all of you. The fuck? Describe them again. How many and how big? There are little fist-sized round pulsating shadows bouncing towards you. How far away? They're coming from the wall about five feet away from you.

Oh, shit. You got about a second to react. Okay. Wake everybody up. Yeah, fight and wake them up. Yeah, you fight, I'll wake them up. Yeah. I'll start swatting at them. What happens when I swat at one?

When you swat at it, it disappears. Oh, well that's great. So I swatted all of them. They all sort of waft back into the wall. Sorry to wake everybody up, but there was a little problem with dust balls. I huffily turn back over

and go immediately back to sleep. Do you think maybe this is not necessarily the safest place to... He said dust balls, so Winifred's like, oh, there was a problem with dust balls? Good night. Fist-sized. I did not say dust balls. No, not you. like, oh, there was probably dust balls? Good night. Fist-sized. I did not say dust. No, not you.

Ken, that's what Creep told me. I didn't abdicate any kind of responsibility. You guys need to make that decision. Good night. I pull my sleep mask down, put my bonnet on, and goodbye. So you guys go back to sleep? They do. We're still awake.

Yeah, we're still watching. Okay, after about an hour of everyone kind of being a little still, the shadows spring back to life and start bouncing towards you. Okay, I swat them again. They waft away back into the walls. That seemed like the biggest threat, but... So, there's another hour of stillness and it happens again i do it again this time i'm like uh someone needs to take out the garbage there's all these gnats

kind of happen about it like i do some with my feet and some with my i take it as a challenge just it's like Dance Dance Revolution. Remember Dance Dance Revolution in the arcade? What a great way to get sweaty in front of the screen. Remember when you would see a kid that was super good at it? It was amazing. Yeah, it was so funny. I was at Disneyland and I saw kids just like ruling at once. I love when you look at videos of people

playing those games on their PlayStation or Xbox and it's one of those dance along with the avatar things and you just see in the corner the silhouette of the person playing actually dancing.

It's so weird. You're looking at somebody dancing alone in their living silhouette but it's not like the main thing the main thing is there's some video game character doing like a really like synchronized perfect dance but you just see this extremely human silhouette like desperately moving along to it oh oh it's just it's's just, it's like the struggle is real. Do you know what I'm saying, guys? As the watch ends and it's time for you to at least wake up one more person, the shadows spring back to life.

But then as you, like, they're springing to life, but then, like, there's more movement and they, like, kind of, like, half-ass it and pull away on their own. It seems rather like when there is stillness they come towards the still living bodies still so whoever is the second shift just needs to know to swat that shit away yeah okay who's second i think that's i think that's uh blaine because he only needs Just want that shit away. Yeah. Okay. Whose second shit? I think that's Blaine because he only needs also four hours.

I could be wrong. Let me know if I'm wrong. I thought that was... You soloing this one, Blaine? Yeah. Okay. Can Gus help him out or one of the NPCs?

Sure. Like Bunk? Absolutely. Like Bunk, but not Bunk. Bunk. book yeah you can wake us up or Hoshinka she's a drow she might only need four hours right he's punk he's punk he's fun I would say with me fucking dead that's that's a good rhyme. You could definitely wake up Hoshinka because she is an elf, yeah. So,

you wake her up. And she's going to roll a perception check. Why don't you roll one too, Dr. Uwud, as you get ready to ritualistically swap these shadows away when there is an hour of stillness. An 8 and a

24 from Haushinka. She crits that perception check. So, Dr. Iwood, you're kind of lost in thought about all the chores you got to do when you get back home. You know, it's kind of frustrating since that Grell and that orc took up in your house and you're kind of wondering if you got to kick them out or what.

They are in love, though, and that's nice. They've really got something going on there. Anyway, while that's happening, Hashinka is pacing up and down the hallways. And at one point, you hear her walking over to Queen Zinza and quietly whispering something to her. Hmm. She comes back. Hey, what were you guys whispering over there? I couldn't hear you.

You were whispering. It's almost as if you rolled very, very low and you could not understand what I was saying. Winifred's like, guys! I'm covering her ear. I was making a promise to Queen Zinza that I will end her life somehow, either by destroying King Valix or finding another way.

Okay. This is all. That is all? Just a promise of death, you know. Yeah. Typical Wednesday shit. Sure. You draw a cuckoo's.

And I believe that is one more shift of the taking. So you guys can do a second shift, I think, because you only need four hours, right? Yeah. That was Blaine. Yeah, we're done. Yeah, that's what's great about having elves in your party.

All right. So you guys have learned your spells. You've healed up. And you are all now level 11. Ooh. Whoa. Just in time. The boss music starts.

Wham, bam, wham, wham. And we'll enjoy that level 11 detail. This is how we do it. Next time on Nerd Poker. Sam, hi. All right. Episode 41. There's a bunch of gods and kings and queens here.

We're trying to get through a door. We're trying to spell magic on it. We made it through. We met a ghost drown named Queen Zinza, who's prepping us on what to do if we meet Orcus. Hopefully that means we'll rest. There's fist-sized shadows bouncing towards us. We're going to wake Gus up and give him a similar fate as Bunk, and we're all powered up.

Hey, you guys, does it look like Pee Wee Herman's wiener is a giant microphone that Sam is speaking into? Talk into the wieners. Well, that'll give me nightmares

I mean it's supposed to look like it's coming from outside his body so it's more like he's been impaled by something yeah it looks like he's got like a giant metal strap on oh okay this group can see a penis in any shape it's like an HR keegar strap

somehow this map is not at all. You're not wrong. Yeah. It's because the map isn't phallic enough that something had to get phallic. Well, I do stand up comedy. I'll probably be doing it someplace around you. If I'm lucky and you're lucky. Check my Instagram.

It's where I post things. That's all I have to say to you thank you for listening uh brianpussine.com for tour dates the brian pussine on social media um uh thanks from people for checking in on me on my accident uh and uh the the best thing is people in the crowds at shows. The first show, before I could even say anything, a woman yelled, Are you okay? Before I pulled the mic out of the mic. They always do that, though. Yeah, no.

Especially when you flip the car the night before on Facebook. That Jody Gluck friend of ours, everybody found out. I had that wrestler Kevin Owens reach out to me because he saw on social media that I flipped the car and he's a dad too and he was concerned that my kid was with me.

Yeah, it was awful. Anyway, I'm not dead and I'm yelling about my farts and my wieners. Both my wieners. Into microphones around the country. This is called the only places I love tour or whatever I'm calling it.

I've got Portland, Denver, San Diego, San Francisco all coming up. Come see me in one of those places that you live in because you're super cool. And I've got comic books coming. Axe trade paperback will be very soon through Heavy Metal Magazine. I will be signing that at Comic-Con. And then I've got Grommets in the fall with Rick Remender.

And one of the coolest things I've ever been involved in. Cheers. Belain. We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof?

Well- Oh, uh, on the next Nerd Poker, the writer's strike makes it impossible to predict what will happen on the next Nerd Poker. Something funny? Something serious? Let me give you a hint. It rhymes with blow brah blickstention. All this and- is on the table with streaming residual on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.