Nerd Poker - S5E42 Harmless Little Cave River

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

No big deal, guys. Our crew just has to deal with a harmless little cave river. Probably not cursed or anything, just happens to be flowing past the lair of a millenia-old lich king. Nothing to worry about here. Everything's fine. This is fine. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Posehn's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five.

Hey, everybody. It's Brian Posehn. You're listening to Nerd Poker. That's my show. My friends are here. It's episode 42. We're winding down but some shit's about to go down and uh we might be ending this season pretty soon so uh hang in tight and listen

with all your listening ears my friends are here uh look at him chris hey buddy hey man you're a little bit of a storyteller just now i I like that. I'm going to mess with my listening ears. Ken's here. Hello from my talking mouth. How are you? Oh, I'm good. Good. Drinking a little McDonald's from the early shift over here.

McDonald's makes some fine McDonald's. Yeah. Dan's here. Hello, Brian. I am the nostril And I can smell what Stoner McDonald's is cooking Blaine Hi Brian, I'm using my touchy fingers To turn off my mute button

Juck, don't ever say that again What, my touchy fingers? Touchy fingers Speaking of touchy fingers What about our touchy fingers? Touchy fingers. Speaking of touchy fingers, what about our president, huh? Hey, everybody. Sarah's here. Hi, hello. So you had to follow a comedy bit.

No problem. How are you? I'm doing well. Is that some delicious coffee or just okay coffee? It's alright. It's Starbucks. It's a bit intense this morning. I'd say it's overbrewed. Yeah. Sam's here, you guys.

Hello, sweet children. How are you, pal? Good. I'm good. How's your mini-me? He's great. He already went back to bed. I don't know if you can see the lump. He's already back under there. I'm good How's your mini-me? He's great, he already went back to bed I don't know if you can see the lump He's already back under there Smart dog

I get it That's all kind of their thing They wake up, they start their morning with you Or start your morning with you And then they go I'm gonna tap out They go, you have fun being alive and feeding me i'm gonna go back to bed but there's some more food around three and then again at seven yeah

i shit in the backyard go take care of that yep um cool well uh we should thank some people. We should. My cat Duncan would like me to shut the fuck up and play with him. Uh, but that's not going to happen. I am instead going to, he's currently ripping the chair I'm sitting in apart because I am not dangling ribbons in front of him. What a beast. Hey, did you guys hit record?

I remember to do that several seconds ago yeah so that's what i'm here for today to say don't forget to hit record and also we are very grateful for patreon supporters who keep our lights on thank you so much jones face jones i know who you are thank you jones face face Jones thank you Pratt Dudley thank you snagging this is southerly tentacle thank you Eric Wortley thank you Jim Kuback in donkey land thank

you the atrocity please show Brian please Brian show everyone the atrocity thank you snaggle know that no what is that Brian when Rhodes there's a joke in my stand up when Rhodes was

seven years old he called my penis the atrocity that's right how did I forget I've seen you tell that joke so many times but as if and the whole point is a therapist the whole point is what wow you have that word in your regular vocabulary at seven years old.

That is awesome. All right. Thank you. Snaggle pusses, keratinized, barbed penis. Boy, oh boy. Thank you. A lot of peni. It only gets grosser.

Thank you. Gazardo's veiny cerulean feet fetish. Thank you. A lot of peni. It only gets grosser. Thank you. Gazardo's veiny cerulean feet fetish. Feet. F-E-A-T. Thank you. Luke the Husbatron. Jib.

Jib. Jib Jabba's prime. Cannot handle these today. Thank you. Rurouni. Kalane. There would have been far fewer dwarf guts in the walls if Sarah had been there to remember they were there. True. Thank you, Ed.

Is it Ed Gein or Gein? I always forget. It's Ed Gein, right? Ed Gein's leather jeans. Thank you, truffle-bound queef bake from the muscle-bound beefcake. Wow. Thank you, WV French Fried, which sounds like West Virginia French Fried. Thank you, New Me. Thank you, Michael Bennett. Thank you, WV French Fried, which sounds like West Virginia French Fried. Thank you, New Me.

Thank you, Michael Bennett. Thank you, Mark Edsel. Thank you, Oingo Boinkone. Thank you, Post and Counter Dungeon Cleanup Enterprises. You slay, we scrub. Thank you, The Surgeon Left a Sponge in Me. Thank you, Jim Hollingsworth. Thank you, Death Atlas.

Thank you, Benjamin Vaughn. Thank you, Heck 487. And finally, thank you at disc golf travelers. Congratulations on your free promotion of your business. Disc golf travelers. Plain. Who are those supporters brought to us by?

Those Patriot supporters brought to you by these Patriot supporters. Tilly Shivelstone. Thank you, Big Gary. Thank you, Smeg McGargamel. Thank you, Loopy Louise. Thank you, Matt Melloharsh. Thanks, DarthMall41970. Thanks, Tawny Paper Browls.

Thanks, Dr. Pepe. Thanks, Steve Lucas and George Spielberg thank you hole fillers, potholers and McCorks all down in the butt plug district thank you that elf you killed season 3 episode 9 that you don't remember do you you don't even remember season 3 do you thank you Rat Poiletto

thanks Dame Judy Bloom thanks Miss Construzzi's the bit that never ever works Miss Construzzi's the bit so good it's cut for time. Thank you, Jimmy One Normal Name. Thank you, P. Foxley. Thank you, Fannie Mac. Thank you, Freddie May. And finally, thank you, the real Benny Hanna.

Dan, who are those Patreon supporters supporting Patreon supporters brought to us by? Thanks, Blaine. Those Patreon supporters supporting Patreon supporters Were sponsored by Dave Ben Dennis Carol No those are just people in my neighborhood

It's now time to talk about What happened last time In Nerd Poker Our heroes Almost got told what was happening except Dan's cat is now knocking shit over in the kitchen. So Dan is slightly distracted. They are almost fighting something horrible.

They're right on the precipice, y'all. There's like a door. And then on the other side is study or something. Will our heroes take advantage of the fact they just leveled up? Will they know how many hit points they have? It's time to find out. So you guys did just level up. Let's go around the horn and maybe tell everybody what it looked like.

I know maybe there was some chatter beforehand about how it was not exciting, but I would love to make it as exciting as possible for listeners. At least tell us what your hit points were. Chris, yes, you just began to talk. Oh, sorry. I have 91 hit points. Yeah, I just went up a few hit points and got an extra spell,

but that was the extent. Yeah, I got a whole four hit points. Ooh. And now I have something called Relentless Rage, which lets me roll a Constitution roll. Bless you. Bless you. Thank you. If I'm about to sneeze, I get to roll a Constitution roll.

Nice. Cast Bless. I already had Relentless Rage from the freeways, right, guys? Oh, man. Those L.A. freeways. Oh, man. That almost murdered me. 74 is my new points for Ronnie Yen.

And he now has the thing called... Where did I see that? Sorry, guys. Under actions, maybe? Yeah, I mean, I had it. Anyway. Features and traits. Yeah, I can pull up a new thing now.

What'd it do? It was cool. It was your shadow invisibility, right? Yeah, that's right. That's what it is, yeah. Boy. Sorry I'm so distracted, by the way. I think I'm going to start renting a hotel room when we record.

I can't with my cat anymore. Lock that cat in a room. Cloak of Shadows is what I have now. Cool. And did I always have this? Purity of body? I did, but like in game, I don't know. I like the way you've showed me the purity of your body outside of.

No, you're immune to disease and poison. Cool. I don't know that I that was really cool. Immunity to disease and poison. Yeah. It's handy. Why don't you put a tape square on the floor for the cat? He loves it.

He loves tinfoil on things. He loves double-sided tape. He, he, he just makes a mess. He is utter chaos. He's used to having a dog in the house. I might just get nine pets to distract each other. What could possibly go wrong?

So, okay. You guys are now level 11, and I think that covers it for everybody, unless I'm cutting it short. I was doing my best to see if y'all checked in. I have six more hit points.all checked in. I have, uh, I got six more hit points. I have 96.

Ooh! Nice. I have, uh, and I get a six-level spell, which I have not selected yet, so I'm still looking at different colors for it and seeing what sizes they have. Cool. That's, uh, that's going to be pretty fancy for a druid.

I believe it means you get to turn into a forest or something i think i might take uh perfect suicide soda which means if i go to a fountain soda place i can do a combination and get the perfect combination oh man i've spent years at fudruckers trying to figure out the balance of mr pibb and dr pepper it's it's so close to each other you never know just a a third pepper and just a dash of pibb and Dr. Pepper. It's so close to each other. You never know. Just a third pepper and just a dash of Pibb. Five Guys has that really good soda machine. They sure do.

And so does Fat Sal's and you can really dial it in. All the places that make my kids bigger have good soda machines. And make my feet look like sausages. Oh no. Yeah.

Oh, I think you might be talking about the diet falling with Brian. Can you feel those toes? What's pre, post, second? Pre, pre. No, I'm post, pre, pre. I think. I don't know. Diabetic.

This episode was brought to you by Wilford Brimley. Take it away, Wilford Brimley. We won't ever get older. We won't ever die. What if it was all the Sweet Heat Skittles that did us in? I'm not going to hurt anybody. I was waiting for that. Nice.

Watch Clark. Oh. All right. I am going to go put my cat in another room. He is now, his claws are stuck in drapes, and he is several feet off the ground. Should we just pause? Just dangling back and forth.

Yeah, we can pause. We'll make a right start. Let's start without Dan. We win. Yeah, how do we do that? Well, we just beat that lich. That was you wound up seeing the dnd movie i did i like it yeah i liked it a great deal yeah it was really fun and true to dnd like they knew their shit fuck yeah the palette was my favorite thing because it was like Jerry, basically. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And The Bard was really

well played, that whole thing. It was great. Although it totally reminded me of Jason Bateman all the time. Hmm. I've never thought of that. It was very Jason Bateman. I was slow to liking the new Star Trek because I don't really like JJ.

It's JJ Abrams, right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't generally like his shit. Yeah. And so I was like, no, thank you. And I've come around. They're not great, but he's pretty good in it.

And then the kid, the kid that played Chekhov like that's one of the biggest tragedies in our world is that we lost that kid that kid was fucking awesome because he's also really great in the movie Green Room have you seen Green Room everybody yeah

that fucking it's still one of my favorite horror films in the last 10 years it's so good but anyway I digress did you see D&D movie Dan? yeah I did I consulted on it

oh that's right I'm so sorry I got to see it a month or two in advance that's fucking cool as shit yeah that's right I knew that I'm gonna fuck it this morning more like the dungeons and dragons movie am i right you guys but i felt like i mean i felt like they uh they hit the right shit i mean there was i would really funny i would have liked if they actually showed somebody playing the game

i i think i've said that you want some meta yeah i kind of i would have liked if there was a scene like in uh the lego movie which is a really well done kids movie you know when they pull out and show will ferrell and the kid you know but that shit was great and kind of would have been cool in this but besides that i thought it was pretty uh pretty awesome yeah i think they did a good job of like staying in character without being contemporary and you know but also like you said like feeling like the game yeah exactly yeah i love that yeah like chris bine's character was yeah yeah like he was he felt like he either didn't really have like like that much bard stuff or he like had dual class and so he was low level and like bard and fighter.

I haven't seen it yet, guys. Oh, it's so funny. It's so funny. It's just funny. But I haven't seen it yet. It's just funny. You can get it on Amazon Prime.

That's the thing that was surprising is how much I laughed. Yeah. Which I had nothing to do with, but you may notice there is something that looks a lot like

the season two Portal staff that was not previously a part of Dungeons and Dragons canon in the movie so yeah I did notice that yeah that kid wielded it that was cool that's fun

alright we're back my cat is in the bathroom the only room I can lock him in and hopefully he's enjoying the many waterfalls that I've created. That's my favorite. English beat, son. May 22nd is English beat day in Los Angeles.

Kitty in the bathroom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My kitty's in the bathroom. Please don't freak. The door is locked. I'm trying to record a podcast. So, yeah, you guys are in a small chamber before the big chamber um and there's some sort of tunnel ahead after this but uh you have consulted with

what appears to be an ageless drow matron who is sort of trapped here by a fountain that has given you all five temporary hit points so make sure we still have those hit points or do we re-get can we re-get them now you can re-get them sure i mean i'm going to say that they they last 24 hours yeah mine disappeared when i long rested and d&d beyond so well that is partially why i bring it up and just to make sure since we've leveled up our character sheets still reflect the fun little uh five hit points that you can have as a treat thank you did you all notice roll 20 terrifyingly zoom in on my face despite the fact that i have been in there for a while um no oh yeah i don't even want to open roll 20 for that don't don't do it sarah we all hate looking at you i know um all right let's uh do this let's just

enter the room right yeah yeah head first cool well you have with you fizzbort the wizard you have hoshinka the drow assassin and of course you have gus the pseudo dragon and we are now going to drag on over. And what about Lucas? Wasn't he like panicking? I think you, I think you guys lean him up against the sarcophagus because he was getting too depressing.

I'm 90% sure that happened at some point. Okay. If not, you threatened to every episode for the last 20 episodes. So that is a distinct option. If it is not indeed what happened heading on over to roll 20 and showing off the new map doobie doobie do you guys are now at the beginning of a new tunnel there seems to be some plants

growing off the wall. I don't see us. Lower right. Bottom right. Lower right. So the trick with Roll20, when I turn on the secrets ahead fog, is you have to sometimes zoom out and scroll around to find out what tiny part of the map has already been revealed.

Otherwise, it just does. Yeah, but you're on the bottom right. So if anybody is lost, or if one of you is not hearing me right now, and we need to relay it to each other later, it is bottom right of the map, is where everybody's token currently is. Anything

unusual about these plants? Yeah, you should check them out for traps for a couple hours, probably. Dan, you should check them out for traps for a couple hours, probably. Dan, you rascal. They are bright verdant green, as if they have been getting sunlight. They don't look

like typical cave fungus or something. Interesting. Can I sort of like do a druid diagnostic on it since I'm covered in plants myself? Would you like to do a standard nature check or cast some sort of spell to diagnose these trees? Can you talk to them? Can I just do

a nature check, I guess? Yeah, boss. 14 plus 3, 17. They seem to be magic and unnaturally healthy. It looks like they are growing as a result of some

larger spell that has been cast nearby. That's about all you can pinpoint at the moment. Do you still have speak with plants lane? I think I do. I think I might have switched it out at some point. Oh no, I still have it. I think I do. I don't have it and speak with plants if i'm not mistaken is like an automatic success kind of situation that i had kind of customized because you were speaking to like

a magical plant network yes good to go okay so they can communicate with you and follow simple commands okay detail my corvette

hey hi plants looking good hey what's going on hey you look you look great what are you eating Hey What's going on? Hey, you look great, what are you eating? Oh, you know, same old, same old There's just a new power nearby

And which direction would that power be, do you think? Hmm, northwest-ish Northwest-ish, hmm Are there more plants up ahead friends of yours yeah we're actually part of the same network that you met earlier it's good to see you again oh it's good to see you too i didn't recognize you out of context here at the whole foods oh some little pink flowers start blooming out of them. Okay. You're near the source.

The source. And the source being? The new light and the new God. Oh. Okay. All right. Would you like a pamphlet or to have your seatings tested? Oh, no. I don't have my pin number on me.

Hey, listen. I have to take this call. It's good to see you. I'll talk to you later. You're raising your phone in your ear, but the screen isn't lighting up for some reason. Okay, bye. Sorry, I'm on night mode. Guys, now, do I remember, Dan,

if touching these plants causes lots of damage? It does not. These plants loved us. Yeah, the hardest thing that you've encountered regarding these guys is the fact that they were grown upstairs to sort of hold in place a purple worm as a kind of natural trap a purple a purple worm okay uh so these these this wasn't the tree that would burn you and turn you to there was a weird crystalline tree when you guys started entering the castle walls that appears

to be unique to that spot. Okay. What do we think about the new god stuff? I mean, it sounds great. I'll just leave this new god in charge, get rid of the lich, and we'll be all set. Same guy, right?

Wait, what? We assume? Basic insight. Anyone who has natural insight over, like, 12, you'd be like, oh yeah, it's probably the arch lich. Oh, shit. So the plant isn't gonna like that we... Maybe we should try to get the plant on our side a little bit more before we go try to murder

the... You know what I mean? And as you're sort of talking to the plant, you kind of wander up and down this cavern path a little bit more before we go try to murder the, you know what I mean? And as you're sort of talking to the plant, you kind of wander up and down this cavern path a little bit. There's like a little bend ahead to the right, to the north. Maybe you can convince the plant, Blaine, that the Arch Lich

is all about death and necromancy and this beautiful plant is all about life and necromancy and this beautiful plant is all about life and, and beauty and that we are happy to do what we can to help take care of the plant or at least get as more of a sense of how much this plant is going to defend its new God. Yeah. I wonder if we might just not want to provoke the plan at this point,

just go to the northwest that's i think it's in there it said this right isn't the plan go all the way along or no so far you're not sure you could ask all right well i guess we can just keep walking kiss the plant's butt if you want i encourage all choices i love choices that's the meat of dungeons and dragons like kissing his butt makes it sound like a physical act as opposed to kissing someone's ass which is more sort of I feel like maybe I make too many jokes about physical acts. I feel like that's the real problem.

I feel like kissing its butt means like, you know. Sucking up to it doesn't sound great in this context either. Yeah, it's all bad. Let's keep walking, I guess, then. Fine. We're walking. Yes. I'm moving. Yes, sirree.

We're all friends with the plants. Okay. The plant benefit, guys. So we walk along. Here we go. I love that some of you guys are just like, la-di-da-do-di-do, immediately dragging your tokens around. Yeah, you guys start to see the planet,

or the planet, the plants continue a bit along the wall as you peek around the corner um you kind of see that the the blooms continue but it does start to die off a little bit ahead you know they don't seem as present now if that means anything? It could or could... You know, you could... I would allow an insight or a nature check specifically about the plants if you wanted to spend some time considering that. But also, I could tell you

just what you basically might surmise at this point. What might we basically surmise? That the tunnel is bending around so much that it's, it's difficult to say if this is the last you'll see the plant or not. Okay. I mean, Blaine could just sort of ask, right?

He's exactly, he doesn't want to provoke them. Well, I could just go, Hey, uh, are you guys, uh guys stopping a little short of the cavern up here?

Is there something bad up here? No, it's just that our God prays and brings us light just to the west of where two of you are standing right now. Just to the west. He's not there right now, but he comes and brings us light. Interesting.

So on the other side of the wall? That's kind of what it feels like he's saying, yeah. Okay. Does the passage go back around if we keep going? Are you asking the plant? Yes.

Yeah. Do a persuasion check. Or maybe it doesn't know. We can just go look, right? 14 plus 4, 18. We are not in this tunnel that you are walking down after much longer, but there is a very special prayer chamber to the west that our God is not currently in right

now, but he is nearby. Nearby. Can you tell us where nearby is? Farther Northwest. Okay. And when's the next time do you think he's going to come down here to visit? What is time?

I don't know. You expect him, expect him soon? We have so much light. We are so graciously excited to see him. We don't know. We don't care. Thank you for the light.

Thank you. What about that prayer chamber? So I'm wondering if it loops, you know, does it loop back? Yeah, probably. But there's no way for us to get. I guess, can we check the wall here for a hidden door or something? Yeah, why don't y'all do an investigation check if you want to try to feel this wall out? Can I give folks guidance while we're searching?

Absolutely. Ronnie got a 15. good night um with guidance i got an 18 nice i got a 15 i got an 8 well all of you with 15 plus would be able to tell pretty thoroughly this is at least 10 feet if not more of solid rock to the west so when he talks about he they the plant system talks about the chamber being nearby you think it's at least through 10 or more feet of solid wall yeah okay so we just continue down the path? Yeah. Alright. Alright. As you march ahead, you notice the path is now going to

split a little bit. You kind of bend around to the north, and there is a small drop-off leading to some sort of underwater waterway. Or you can head north, where you think you see a couple more blossoms here and there.

I'm revealing that on the map. Ooh. Hmm. Okay. Well, if we're heading towards the prayer chamber, we'll probably have to go through the water. Through the water. Yeah. Through the water. Fascinating. Okay. So we're going to head towards the water for now.

Okay. you peer around the corners of this uh little next thing the the water flows from the from the left from the west southwest up to the northeast and is it something that we would want to like cross or is it just that the water is the path there's a steep drop off it looks like the water gets really deep really fast even though it's only you know at most 10 feet across in places but like does the path continue on the other side of the water or is the water itself the like the water itself seems to have carved some sort of groove here or it's filling some sort of

uh narrow abyss huh okay so it would be like do we want to follow the path of the water back towards where yeah back down that chamber but it's really deep you said yeah

um you want to go for a That chamber. But it's really deep, you said? Yeah. You want to go for a terrifying swim, I would encourage it. You want to just go for a little swimmy swim. That's what I was thinking. But the current's heading north or the current's heading south? Current's heading north. Yeah. So it's against the current. It's coming from the west.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. So double against. yeah so it's against the current it's coming from the west oh interesting yeah so double against um but you can fly I can all of us can fly oh

we can send uh Gus up there take a look or yeah boss you the big the big Eric Okra we could hurl Lucas

off my head we loved him okay you can hurl Lucas off my head. We blocked him. Okay. You can hurl Lucas. All right, Kweep. You're going to fly to the west? Yeah, I'm going to fly towards here.

You might want to do a little perception check as you go and look around. Sounds good. That's an eight. So you are kind of looking around. The water is very deep and dark blue beneath you. And as you go just a few feet west, it opens up into a large dead end chamber. You can see the water swirling up. I'll ping where exactly? To the south. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah.

It looks like it is coming from some sort of deep underwater source and bubbling up and providing the flow that is heading to the northeast. Okay, I will head back and report what I found. Alright, I'm moving the NPC tokens to

catch up to where you are. So it's like a spring? Or a whirlpool or something. But the water's coming from there, right? And then flowing out. Oh, I see. Yeah. That is what I tried to communicate, yeah.

It can be tricky. trying to be narratively uh fun and also communicate and you said there's there's no path on the other side of the uh the water it's just like a rocky bank or something it looks like rock walls yeah the map kind of helps with that visually um but for the listener's sake i will say yeah like you're kind of talking about quip flying west there's a chamber it's kind of a dead end but it does open up to something that is about like 30 feet wide and 10 feet across and then um you haven't explored the northeast where the water is flowing but having spoken to the plants just kind of looking at the map it does feel like through more solid rock to the west is

some is the chamber but it is it is through some solid rock like there's no clear path directly to the prayer chamber from here um the two paths you have are either along the water to the northeast or down the occasionally blossoming chamber not chamber tunnel kind of parallel to it maybe Queep you could fly a little bit north just to clear that up on the map

and then we'll take the walkable path I guess you see more water ahead. Can I get a perception check there, Queep? That is a 20. Okay. You get up ahead to another chamber.

There is some shallow water here and you start to see some glowing things that are forming a bit of a pattern for you you're recognizing you've seen them briefly up until now um like rocks that are creating fissures in the walls underneath you are glowing um the water continues to flow to the right you are you know uh starting to become aware that this is continuing to run parallel to the non-watery tunnel as your other option.

So the end of this is open? It goes on from here? I'm not sure entirely what you mean by the end of this is open, but it doesn't end. It continues. It continues. You can keep flying ahead if you want to. I'm not sure entirely what you mean by the end of this but it doesn't end it continues you can keep flying ahead if you want to but I just revealed to you I'll fly ahead a little bit more

okay there is a small waterfall where the water kind of runs down oh pretty and then oh my gosh roll 20 is being buggy. But you see that it seems to reconnect with some tunnel ahead.

All right, I'll head back. Okay. That looks like a walkway right there waterway yeah the waterway might actually reconnect with the not watery tunnel how high is that waterfall about eight feet

okay it's like a really steep drop off but I mean not really steep it's eight feet drop off but like it's a narrow like five foot wide part of the tunnel okay and you have not yet gone in the water or touched the water perhaps deliberately so but i would just like to remind you that you are being careful yeah for sure and listeners reminding the listeners that this is cautiousness so i come back and let everybody know so i guess we're gonna just walk the path now i think we should ronnie does that sound right because it looks like it's gonna connect i think so

shall we continue our raid ronnie where'd you get mcdonald's down here that's not mcdonald's oh what is it with some fritos that were left in my office Shall we continue our raid? Ronnie, where'd you get McDonald's down here? That's not McDonald's. Oh, what is it? Some Fritos that were left in my office. Ronnie, where'd you get Fritos? Three Fritos. All right.

You guys head northeast. Can I get a perception check from everybody, please? Brian, I guess you could say that's a Frito Baggins. Yeah, Brian. Blaine, your eyes are bleeding. Perception check, you said, Dan? Maybe. Yes.

19. 10. 22. 22 as well. Yes. 19. 10. 22. 22 as well. Nice. All right. 22 twins. Beat that.

22 twins. 24. 17 plus 7. Oh, nards. Okay. As you all come around, this is something that you could not hear earlier, as you were flying over the water. But it sounds as if as you all kind of come down this is something that you could not hear earlier as you were flying over the water but it sounds as if as you all kind of come down this tunnel and find where the waterway meets the

main tunnel there's some sort of it sounds not like water flowing but actual whispers coming down the waterway so there sounds like there is just like this cacophony of whispering voices running over the eight foot waterfall that's flowing up to you to the northeast it can't tell what you couldn't hear it like over the flowing water before um it's it's too muddled there are too many layers to it too many theoretical voices but uh yeah it's it's

it's on the edge of hearing so you're only hearing it if you got a 24 all right all right here's it uh shall we continue yes as you look ahead so as you look ahead to the north, the tunnels continue to converge, but there becomes a point where you're going to have to either hop from land to land or start dipping your boots into the water a little bit. boots into the water a little bit. So the ground

is no longer continuous beneath you. The water starts to cut back and forth across it. Oh, okay. It's not impossibly deep at this point. It's only about three feet deep. Here. No. Literally

no. Song reference, maybe. not old enough to know the reference but i i i wish i knew i know de la soul is awesome but i am not good with the references um i'm gonna have a mage hand just pick up some of the water to see if it takes damage or whatever damage or whatever. Okay. Can I get an insight check from Winifred specifically? Oh, it's almost a natural 20, but instead it was a 2 plus 6, so 8.

It feels like impossible to tell through the magic of the Mage Hand. You don't feel quite connected enough to the reaction magically that is happening that you could surmise,

what's happened to Mage Hand will happen to me, etc. Maybe we should see that little dragon guy wants to touch it. Gus? Yeah. Why would he has no hit points? Why would we make Gus touch it? You want me to

canary in the coal mine, boss? No. Alright, then how about we... Go for the swim. You touch it, big guy. How about that wizard? How about we dunk that wizard in there for a second? Which NPC is least valuable? Time to try them all out.

Oh, you want me to just kind of touch it? Why don't you have me investigate it or something? What are you talking about? Yeah, investigate it with your mouth. What? I am fire jolly. I think that's the shirt.

Okay. He says he can test the magic of it or he could be persuaded to touch it physically. Take the magic first. That seems to be persuaded to touch it physically. Take the magic first. That seems to be smart. Yeah. Okay. This is him doing

an arcana check. 26. He says this is definitely magical water that will have an effect on us all. He can tell that there is some sort of aura that seems to pulse as the water laps up around the rocks. But is it bad or good? We are woe. Who knows?

Who knows? Maybe the plants know. The plants touch the water? the plants know. The plants touch the water? They're growing nearby. You don't see them making contact, but you can certainly try to commune with the plants.

Hey, uh, hi. Oh, hey, what's up, buddy? Hey, listen, I was just gonna, I wanted to ask you about the water over there. Is that good water? Is there, I know it's magical. It is that good water is there i know it's i know it's magical very good water do you do you guys at your roots tap that shit we sure do tap that shit i mean you're getting a little frat bro for us right now but yeah yeah we we we are tapped into

it oh okay now if we got in that water water, would we get tapped into it too? You'd feel so good. Hmm. Thank you for your service. I'm going to leaf you alone for a couple minutes. Okay, Biff Tannen. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah, I cut the thing.

Guys, guys, guys, that water's going to turn us all into religious maniacs. I'm just going to go ahead and dip a pinky into the water. Cool. Can you do a wisdom saving throw, please? An artist must live a life of curiosity. What? A wisdom saving throw, please. Oh, sure.

What kind of headstone do you want? Ten. sure what kind of headstone do you want um 10 you feel great it's fun water i feel no other effects nope okay well then you know what i'm gonna do oh boy you know i'm gonna do i'm gonna um since my pinky i dipped it in i'm gonna um cast identify on the water because i have to be touching it so interesting okay so hang on i'm gonna look up the rules here didn't expect this one but it is very uh compatible with the situation. Yeah, what? Oh, wait.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I win. D&D. You choose one object you must touch. If it is magic or some other magic-imputed object, you learn its properties and how to use them. All right. You learn whether any spells are affecting it, what they are. If it was created by a spell, you learn what spell.

Okay. Can you do an insight or arcana, your choice? Okay. This is more to gauge the depth and context of what you learned than it is whether you'll get anything. You will get something regardless because the identify spell is successful okay 15 uh which one did you roll for the listener um insight it feels like um anyone who touches this water becomes connected to a larger thing, a larger consciousness. It is a one-way communication that is coming from somewhere else. It will leave the other person vulnerable to this one-way communication and power.

And it is passive. So if you had not kissed identify you would not know this the spell is uh beyond your knowledge you have not known its name before it comes to you in the shape of unreadable runes that flow across your mind but it seems to be necromantic in nature um okay is do i have a sense of how i would um dispel myself like will i be able could i like dispel magic or whatever to get it off of me or does it only happen while you're touching the water you think that is possible but it would have to be a pretty high level to spell magic this seems to be a spell that is cast at... What level did you say cast Identify at first? Just the first level of divination?

I just cast it at first, yeah. It's definitely higher than first level. But what does it feel like to get rid of this walkie-talkie situation that we need to... You have to cast at least a spell of second level or higher. Could be eighth level. It's unclear. No! We're ready, okay? level or higher. Could be ace level. It's unclear. No.

We're pretty okay. I explained all that to everybody. That means that something could be spying on us, right? Now, through me? Absolutely possible. Within the realm of what we just asked. It's necromantic.

Can you bless me? Bless my finger, Friar Jolly. Let me see. Wow, there's a shirt, too. I can see what I got here. Channel Divinity. My dad was always telling me, hey, bless my finger. I mean, I can

certainly pray to the silver flame. Can I do that? Of course you can. Do a religion check. Silver flame? Once again, Winifred has a... It's a 20. Not a natural, but with the

bonus. Oh, okay. And what is the exact question you would like to ask? Why is my friend Winifred such a goose? Can you free Winifred from the clutches of this bizarre death river? You get a vibe from the

silver flame that it is possible, but you would need to find the path on your own. The path to freeing her? Correct. Like the spell, he can't tell you, but you do think that some spell through him could perhaps free her.

Hmm. Let's see. I would think that you would also be a little unnerved that he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's definitely tapped into some bad shit. Oh, bad shit! That's the first time we've heard that. He doesn't like it. Do I feel like

lesser restoration might do it for me? Let's look that up. And I am going to just... I can end a disease or condition. Blinded, deafened, paralyzed, or poisoned. By the light, revved up like a douche,

another roar in the night. What if I cut my finger off? All the vibing and identifying you've done so far, this is not a disease, and this is not a standard Dungeons & Dragons condition in that you're not blinded, deafened, paralyzed, or poisoned. Is it a curse, Brad? Is it a curse?

It's either, it feels like it's like either some kind of charm spell or some kind of curse, one or the other. Well, little friend, we need your theatrical ways to help us defeat this lich. So I'll put my hand upon

her forehead and say, by the power of the silver flame! Now cast greater restoration on her. Okay. Okay. Greater restoration. You imbue

a creature. You touch with positive energy to undo a debilitating effect. This can include charm spell. It can include removing a curse. I think it comes at at least fifth level, right? What level are you casting?

It's a fifth level spell, that's right. You can't cast it higher than that? Is that possible? I'm curious. It doesn't say anything about casting it at a higher level, though. Okay. What's the highest level that Fire Jolly can cast? Six. I just picked up a sixth level spell. Okay.

The Greater Rest, interestingly, when you look at the 6th level greater restoration is not there it just exists as a 5th level spell got it so pardon me while I'm just looking at some rules looking at rules um do you ever cast a

greater or less duration can you roll a d100, Friar Jolly? Willie Tyler used to cast that. Who did it hook you up with? A coffee table. 15. All right. You cast Greater Restoration,

and in that moment, you feel very connected to the Silver Flame, having just prayed to the Silver Flame. What's up, bud? You feel as though this spell is currently beyond you, and you're unable with this particular spell to remove this connection, but, but it does seem that like the silver flame is doing their best and that, uh,

if, if there was something maybe, uh, more powerful than fifth level for the spell, it could work. Well, my friend, you're all all like you guys have to leave i feel like you have to leave me behind why because because if he can be watching me through we're watching us in some way through me you guys need to go ahead without me in some way through me.

You guys need to go ahead without me. Yeah, but I mean, we're in the hallway before his room. That's not like fucking earth shattering news, right? We can just knock, knock. I guess. What happens if we put like a blind on you? Oh, blindfold.

Blindfold. You're just going to blindfold Winifred and keep her around for moral support? Yeah. I don't know. I'm not the leader. Oh, shit. Wait. What about Fizbord?

Any thoughts, Fizbord? Yeah, what about Fizbord about you're a wizard of power and then we got to move on because this is just leave me behind fine winifred will just like fall backwards into the pool of water wow no i don't really i don't i mean i'm just saying uh he he reaches into his magical knowledge and rolls yet another 26. Nice. So? He thinks that this is probably something that, yeah, the Archlich can invoke on you. So this could end up being bad news bears. But he can't tell what.

All he knows is that this sort of puts you on the line in a specific kind of situation. This is really annoying. Worst comes to worst, Ronnie will take out the traitor, and we'll be all set. Alright, be ready to kill me. I will be clear, too.

It doesn't necessarily seem that this is going to make you, like, completely lose autonomy. It's just that, yeah, you could be vulnerable. We're all vulnerable. Well, but some of us would like to not be vulnerable in certain ways.

And this is unfortunately, yeah, bad. I have my crossbow pointed directly at the back of her head. Nice. Well, as Cryer Jolly's quivering trigger finger hovers over the crossbow trigger,

we will have to find out how that pans out on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Wow. Sam. Hi. How you doing?

Good. Episode 42, we're talking with plants trying to figure out whether to kiss their butts or kiss their asses. We might check out a prayer chamber

and we're following some water around. And finally, at the end, Winifred is going to die. Yay. Well, not yay, but yay for Sam.

Nice job. Dan, you got anything you want to plug? Yeah, I'll be walking across the country because I'm bored. I'm going to be keeping an eye out for the hobo code to find safe places to sleep. So please carve a rune outside of your favorite nesting place. And I'll know whether it is damp or full of badgers.

That's what I'm up to. How about you, Brian? I can't beat that. I got some dates where I'm going. I'm doing Portland with Derek Sheen in June. Nothing left for May. And then I'll be, oh, if you live in Sacramento, my friend James Swigert,

I helped him produce a skateboarding documentary uh called the end men uh the untold history of uh the end men and then they were basically sacramento's uh dog town some of these guys have been skating since 1975 they still skateboard uh they're like they're in skateboarding like guys don bostitch is like involved with the olympic committee and helped uh you know do x games and they're from fucking sacramento where i'm from and they uh would empty pools and they had the one thing that they have in the movie is they made a pool company and advertised and they would come and clean out your pool on, but it'll be premiering the second and third at the Crest Theater in Sacramento. If you're from up there, you know, that's the cool spot.

Tons of history, 500-seater old theater. We sold out the first show, but the second show is, there's 3 p.m. on that Saturday, still available. So up there, NMEN documentary men documentary please and i'll be there so uh come say hi brianfussane.com for everything else anybody else blame we attribute the success save mankind for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well.

On the next Nerd Poker, Wally Roberts Realty will put you in a home faster than your kids. If you're looking for a new home in Jethro, CB Valley, Waterford, Cerritos, or City of Industry, Wally Roberts is going to sell it to you. Wally Roberts Realty online at wallyroberts.com or wallyroberts.org.nz. All this and Blaine discovers Wally Roberts stuck in and fucked with his cards on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069,

Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. 0 6 9 Encino, California, 9 1 4 1 6. Thanks for listening.