Nerd Poker - S5E49 The Unfortunate Anatomy of Orcus

Episode Date: July 11, 2023

It was bound to happen if an evil, gigantic creature was walking around. Someone's character would inevitably realize whilst running between their legs that the canopy above was ripe for called shots. And then, of course, there would be disgusting riffs. Classic Nerd Poker, enjoy!  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Possehn's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Possehn. You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker, episode 49.

And we're hanging in there, but I'm down some hit points. Let's see what Dan does to us. My friends are here. Look at them. Hey, Blaine. How are you? Oh, hey, Brian. Hi. Oh, sorry. I just...

Reindeer on the roof. Ken's here. Hello, Brian. Did you say reindeer on the roof? It's battle axe. Yeah, check that shit out. That's so awesome. kukla my friend bill couture made me wow it's amazing chris is here all right i hope one of our listeners can make for me like a model of like remember that episode where we talked about like brian's dick and balls being flat like a beaver's tail i love one of those here we go no i don't remember it lights up

sarah's here i'm here and chris better not complain when something shows up at the p.o box at the nerd poker p.o box it's gonna have to hang on the wall now like the axe behind. Yeah, I look forward to it. That'll be fun to explain to the kids. Mm-hmm. Dan is here. Hi, Brian. Hey, man. How are you?

What is it they have in frat houses? Is that a cricket bat where they'll have like the greek letters on it oh i didn't i never knew that it was a cricket bat but it was just a paddle yeah yeah i think it would be really fun if when our listeners made the model of your dick and balls if they put like nerd poker like in in greek lettering or something like on the dick and ball thing because it's going to look like a cricket bat right and then we can all spank each other with it it should also be hanging on the wall behind you somewhere on it it's getting hazy in here uh blaine uh we already said hey at the top right

yeah it was fucking reindeer not that's right nuts the reindeer up on the house i said i set some traps and poison up there but they just keep coming back does ramen hear the reindeer sam uh no he can't he's retarded have you ever heard the radio but his ears are amazing he looks like he could fly with them. Yeah, he sucks. He's got nothing. Hey, buddy. He's pretty

damn cute. Alright. Dan, you want to thank some of our cute listeners our little cuties I'll only thank the cute ones

which are all of them thank you everybody and also thank you to supporters like Jib Janine thank you Jib Janine thank you Robert Unk thank you Robert Underdunk thank you Brian Stop thank you Rufus T. Firefly.

Thank you, Bill Ashton. Thank you, Schrodinger's Goiter. Thank you, that one time Brian and everyone forgot to say hi to Sam, even though he's not only the ears of nerd poker, but also the heart. Thank you, Eric Payne. Thank you, Flea47. Thank you, A. Gorilla. Thank you. Eric Payne. Thank you. Flea 47. Thank you. A gorilla. Thank you.

Douglas Calabrese. Thank you. Jeremy Smith. Thank you. I got walls and a roof. Thank you. Carrie Marsh looked up how to change his name on Patreon. Hi,

Carrie. Thank you. Brian and Sarah's just for dogs. Toilet rat turd buffet. I don't like that one. No. Thank you, Brian and Sarah's Just for Dogs Toilet Rat Turd Buffet. I don't like that one. No. Thank you, Dick Trebuchet.

Thank you, Douglas Scott. Thank you, Ben Kavalec. Thank you, Clove Thistlefoot. That sounds like a hobbit name. Thank you, Davona Uppierock. Thank you. Finally, A-hole kick versus B-hole punch. thank you finally a whole kick versus b-hole punch but also i want to thank a few of our listeners who won our drawing these are some very lucky special listeners and this is for the last uh few months because we haven't announced on in a couple of months but thank you

richard tracer millhouse nixon that's a great Richard Nixon slash Dick tracing joke. Jicky Dick. Thank you, Brandon Blackburn, Alderman 71st Ward, Dildo District. Congrats, both of you on the drawing. And finally, congrats on the drawing. John M. Eamer. And then in a parenthetical, Dan, still wrong. E-E-E-E-mer. Eamer. Just email me and I'll give you my phone number to call me. Close parenthetical.

Congratulations, especially to you. I will be mailing you my phone number on a piece of paper written in code and you get to spend the next few years deciphering it by which point i hope i have a new phone number maybe you can just curl up inside the box like flat stanley and get mailed to his house hear him directly tell you what how to pronounce his name and oh we can send a self-addressed envelope back to us. I like that. Peenly. Hey, Blaine, who are those wonderful supporters brought to us by? Wonderful supporters brought to us by.

Hi, I'm Fred Flintstone. Do you like garlic salt, dried onions and poppy seeds? Then you'll love everything pebbles. Turns to milk everything. Yabba dabba don't. And Schenectasize paper towels, perfect for wiping up spills in upstate New York. Dan?

Thank you, Blaine. And it's time to also talk about ahem. What happened last time on Nerd Poker? Our heroes are engaged with Valix and Orcus. There's some body yoinks off of tables, and no one has yet to make a body hits the floor joke.

It's kind of a mess that we haven't done that. We now take you to the battle already in progress. Yeah, I... Between recordings, I was like, have we not? Somebody did. It was very quiet. It was when I slid the body off the table.

I'm glad that we have not only acknowledged it, but that you explained it to me because I was worried for a second that we weren't the same podcast. Don't fear. We're still all in our right minds. I was so feared. Well, we're going to go ahead to the top of the turn order. Except for Ronnie. Ronnie just went.

So we're going to go next to Valix. Sarah, you look very concerned. Is everything all right? I thought Gus was the last guy that that went uh i let i let brian go because we were not quite at the hour oh right right right yeah but then yeah like uh next to the turn orders valix gus gus did just do a thing but then ronnie took some stabs um so valixix is kind of freaked the out he heard the voice of an old arch nemesis that he thought he imprisoned courtesy of winifred

so what he is gonna do is So what he is going to do is. Poo poo poo poo poo poo poo. Cast flight of the damned. And now you guys. Called the Langoliers, Dan. Oh, see this. It's called the Langoliers, Dan. See this sudden cloud start to fill the room. It descends from the ceiling as if pouring out of cracks in it

and begins to pulse and swirl. I'm going to need everyone to do a constitution saving throw as you see faces and arms reaching out of the clouds towards you. Do I have to do this? I'm underground. No. Constitution saving throw, you say? Yeah, boss.

I also have a circlet of necrotic resistance. I don't know if that helps me in this instance. It sure does. If you succeed, you will take no damage. If you... I failed. Yeah, I have it written here somewhere. Probably.

I think because this is not... This isn't a make it or you don't. This isn't a halves damage. I think you're going to automatically succeed and be able to handle this. But if everyone else could give me

their con save numbers. I'm putting the damage in. I got a 21. Blaine, what'd you get? No, you didn't roll because you didn't have to. Brian, did you do your con save? Yeah. Does it still show up on your computer i don't see it on right now uh i don't see one for you shit i'll do it again oh no no wait i do it's at eight i have an eight okay yeah sometimes there's lag for me on the game log on dnd beyond but i see it so okay unfortunately those of you who did not

make a 15 on that save you're going to take 18 points of necrotic damage yikes yeah damn you are also now frightened of valix you will have disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls and you will not willingly move closer to Valix. Ronnie's hurting everybody who can help. I can maybe do it, but I'm underground right now. Oshinka, who succeeded her con save,

is going to go ahead and keep whipping some bolts at Valix. I can't be frightened while raging. I just looked it up. Sorry. Nice. Sweet. Then go ahead and not worry about that, Fancy Pants, except for that necrotic damage, which is all tight.

Yeah, I took that shit. One hit. He does eight points of piercing damage to Valak, and now it is Orcus' turn. You'd think that Orcus wouldn't really wait for his turn. You'd think that he would just be attacking every round.

Sometimes he doesn't. You know, I was planning on showing you this episode a little thing called a legendary action. You're going to love it it but he doesn't do it on his turn so get ready he will do it and he will not wait for his turn that's a little spoiler alert where he does a one-handed clapping push-up yeah yeah you have to do you have to do a charisma

saving throw to not feel real sad about your own body and the state of it and whether or not you should have just continued to work out during the pandemic. Yeah, plus I'm covered in plants! Alright, so he is going to place both hands on his scepter. His wand.

He'll start laughing and you will see... He's doing the french mistake voila you see uh what looks like a this plant-like being start to erupt from the ground on the other side of the room. This thing is this like hulking mass of like swamp tethers and just roots and undergrowth that is growing out of the ground. Winifred, this is about 10 feet away from you, southeast of the ground. Winifred, this is about 10 feet away from you,

southeast of the room. And that is going to do it for Orcus's turn. Dr. Uid, you're up. I'm going to come back up from the ground, and I'm going to punch him in the balls again. Yeah!

I gotta give you... I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This this is funny and he's flanked remember so you get to roll to advantage on those nuts and he has like 12 testicles he's like a cockroach with eggs on its thorax just like there's just a bunch

of them you can't really see them but like they're there 18 plus 8 26 that's to be funny because that's a hit it's not very sexy that much that that is a hit blame and a 22 i'm just trying to keep the horror themed of nerd poker life all right throw a d6 in on that damage and uh 2d so that's two attacks and they're both they both hit right yep But what is the last damage with the D6 added to it, sir? Oh, sorry, oh, the last

one has the, the added thing. Yeah. Okay. Uh, that's 11, uh, 17. Okay. And, uh, 20. 20 points. Nice. And then, yeah, and then I'm gonna sink back down. Nice. And then I'm going to sink back down.

Nice. You guys just see the ground keeps uppercutting Orcus in the nuts and then just like re-flattening. It's very elastic, man.

Grounding up his nuts. Just giving it an old fist punch Friar Jolly you're up um I'm let's see I think Friar Jolly is going to sort of slam his hand against the shield and

cast Toll the Dead against Valix. And maybe when I'm casting it, I might call out to Valix like, hey! Didn't Orcus used to have this mantle that you have?

And I'm going to cast Toll the Dead and so Valix has to make a DC 17 Wisdom saving throw. Hmm. All right. Here it comes. Got a plus seven to these. 17.

Boo. Oh, well. Just a cantrip. He smiles, though, because it was pretty impressive what you were trying to do there. How's, uh, standing next to me, how's um, uh, Visbord? He's on his last possible

positive day of his death saving throw? Yeah, he's got two successes and no fails. Alright, I'll keep an eye on him. That's my turn. Just let him work through this well i can't do anything else keep your eyes on your own paper fizzboard all right uh he is up and so we're gonna go ahead and do his saving throw death saving throw throw.

Death saving throw. Two! That's a fail. So he's got one fail, two successes. Winifred, you're up. Okay. So, who's frightened right now? Danny, I think.

Yep. Just Danny and... Okay. And Ronnie. I think just ronnie yeah okay uh okay then i'm just gonna i guess continue on my sojourn across and what is sojourn oh wait i know i'm not because these these plant things right nope if you look at the map you're you're fine to keep going clockwise i mean i know i'm fine too but they're right here right it's 10 feet away yeah um so i guess my question is do they look like the type of plants that i would be able to speak yes okay um okay i'm gonna so i'm gonna i'm gonna try that i'm gonna try to speak to them and persuade them to be cool all right what you're gonna say and let's see that persuasion check

okay hang on i gotta cast the spell. Speak with nice. Okay. I'm going to tell them. What do they look like again? Can you describe them to me? Yeah. It's like a twisted mass of swamp roots and, and like tangles bark. It,

it, it is a, I will say you would know just because you're familiar with magic it is likely you know magically charmed that has been summoned um i think i'm going to give it to you if you roll high enough on the persuasion check it'll it'll you know listen to you but it is you know it doesn't have language it is a plant so it'll respond like it'll understand but it is maybe magically prohibited from being easily persuaded okay well i'll do my best um so i'm going to oh is it gonna make me uninvisible to do that no i don't think so unless it's another concentration spell.

Which it might be. Yeah, let's double check before I do that. No, it's not. Okay, so I am going to speak to them and I'm going to say, Oh, how lovely. Look at you growing so beautifully. I don't know if you know these fellows

here but they are in service of death and I can see that you are a beautiful life just growing and growing would you you know where did you come from would you love to be given the opportunity to just grow

some more because it seems like you're so good at it great Would you love to just be given the opportunity to just grow some more? Because it seems like you're so good at it. Great. I'm going to see what they're. Love it. I'm going to roll. And now the roll.

A persuasion? Yes, please. Oh, that was so close to being awesome. Yeah. Don't you have advantage, though, because you're a little actor i'm not doing it my actor feet because that's like to imitate something i did think about whether i should try to be them be the bad guy and and do it that way but i chose persuasion so that was 15 yeah you know you feel when you speak to it that it sort of like turns to you and and it sort of it it its body language implies that it doesn't take what you said as an aggressive statement but it does still seem to be like

looking around with the same posture feels like you didn't quite get the message across the way you wanted it to right but it understands what you're saying and it is not threatened by the statement itself. Well, that's better than nothing, I guess. Yeah, you need to roll higher on a persuasion check. It is possible. You have a huge bonus. So I think you could hit a really high number and I would give to you,

but it's not going to work with a 15. Okay, and then as my bonus action, I'm going to quietly, let's see who's closest to me um looks like okay i'm gonna i actually can i can also move and still be able to speak to them i think so let's see how far it goes um sorry to take up so much time, you guys. But I just want to get this right. There have been whole episodes of this podcast where we get through half of a turn order and we just talk about music and farting.

So it's okay if you would like. Oh, yeah. About music and farting. Oh, yeah. What's the name again of the person who made your axe, Ken? Bill Couture. Fucking killed it. He's amazing.

Well, you know what? No, you know what I gotta do? I gotta take the... I'm just gonna take the body off because I haven't done that for this table yet, right? You have not. Okay, so I'll take the...

I pull the body off and then I'm gonna go to the next table with the rest of my turn. Okay. And are you still trying to be subtle about it or have you kind of bailed on that

now that you've made a stud noise? No, I'm still gonna try. He doesn't know where I am. All right, do a slight hand check. Okay, I will. Here I go. I did it. It was a 16.

Yep. Just kind of, you're going much better than Gus. Okay, well, I appreciate it. He's a sloppy little fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing his best fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing his best, though. Yeah. Okay.

That'll do it for your turn, yes? Yes. Then it's queef. I mean, I'm moving, but yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're moving to the next table. I am noting it. There are two bodies left on tables.

I am continuing my attack. Actually, wait. Three. Excuse me. There's three. I am still continuing my attack. 19. That is a hit. That's a goodie. So that's 11 points of damage.

And 15. 15. So that's wait until next turn. Alright. Alright. Then we're gonna come around to guess

who keeps flying as he notes there is nothing but ash on the table he is currently at. He's gonna go over here and just yank the body off. Bones clattering on the floor.

Back that ash up. Ronnie, you are up. Brian yeah sorry guys Sam leave that in right in front of me he's right in front of me Dan

yes speaking words of wisdom okay He's right in front of me, Dan? Yes. I'm going to... Speaking words of wisdom. Arm blot. Okay. I'll take the 13. But that's not a hit, right? No, that is not a hit.

Okay. Roll again and again. Oh, nothing. Whiff and a whiff and a whiff. Oh, you're disadvantaged. I totally whiff and a whiff and a whiff oh you're disadvantaged I totally whiffed out is that yeah yeah that sucks because it is disadvantaged because you're

frightened oh yeah that's right just just linking the thoughts together all right there you go we'll take us now yep to Valix. He's starting to get sick of getting hit with crossbow bolts. So he's going to turn to Hoshinka and try and squash her.

Do, do, do. Oh, this is, this is, there's some fun stuff we can do here. This fun stuff brought to you by Retrosporin. The future is scary. Retrosporin provides relief. Retrosporin, no ingredients. From before 1850.

So Valix is going to go ahead and raise his hand again and this time all five of his fingers just sort of silently pop off and fly at Hoshinka.

Yuck. With 28 to hit. Jesus! She's finger fucked. I'm telling you. And she takes 53 points of piercing

damage as they just sort of whip through her a few times like bees that just pass through her entire body and swarm around her in a cloud she's looking real rough she is still standing but uh she she went from ducking behind the table to just blood splattering on the walls behind her and onto the table in front of her. Can you ping her so I see where she is? Yes. Okay. Pinging her. I'm using some fan art of Nausicaa for her, which is why I keep calling her Nausicaa on accident.

Next in the turn order is Orcus. using some fan art of Nausicaa for her, which is why I keep calling her Nausicaa on accident. Next in the turn order is Orcus. No, it's Hashinka. Hashinka is gonna just duck behind the table and she is going to quaff something. quaff something so she is going to heal herself with a potion for four hit points now it is Orcus's turn and yeah he'll he's getting real sick of all this shit. He's had some fun. And he's like, all right. You see this efficiency to his movement now.

And suddenly he blinks out of existence. Oh, great. Game's over. He's done before. Everybody, before he reappears, would you like to do an insight check to see if you guys can piece together what's happening with this? You may have already done this.

I apologize if we've already done it, but this is an insight check to see if I give you more info, I guess. Sure. 15. I'm underground. Should I do one? Yeah, you're underground. You're not dead. Yeah. Then 20 seconds.

Nice! I got a 21. Nice. 21. Ronnie got a 21. You guys realize what he's doing is he is casting a spell called Time Stop, and he is doing really shitty things

while all of you are essentially frozen in place for him. So he reappears kind of like south of you, Friar Jolly. Sorry, what do you mean he's doing really shit? Is he, like, pulling our pants down so then, like, time starts again? Like, what is he doing? Oh, yeah. He is casting a spell called Time Stop.

No, I get that, but then what's he doing when the time has stopped? Is he steering it over? Well, last time, well, this is what's going to be depressing. Last time he did this, you saw Hashinka splattered across a table, and she had to be brought back from the brink.

This time, you see Gus is no longer on the table. He is missing. Oh. Oh. Hmm. He is not visible, I should say. I hate it. Then we're going to go to Dr. Urid.

Well, since he has disappeared and reappeared somewhere else, I'm going to swim under the ground and try to come up underneath him again. Cool. So is he more than 30 feet away? I think he's right about 30 feet let me see okay then i can i can yeah he's 30 feet you can do it okay i'm gonna cruise up and i'm gonna uh appear and punch cruise rolled a cruise and nut punch 19 plus 8 is a 27 that's just oh and a net and a natural 20 to hit. Oh, you crit it. Oh, please roll 100 sighted dice.

Uh, can I do damage first? Yes. Remember to double the dice damage. Six. Okay, and then another six. Eight. Sixteen. 16, 24 points.

And then I disappear under the tiles. Cool. Will you roll a 100 now, please? Oh, right, right, right. And about the fun part. 85. Oh! Fun.

Last was 84. We're going up one. I know. Alright, so this time as you punch him, there is a wet popping noise. Yeah. And just this river of blood starts pouring down his leg. I popped

Orcus's nuts. I'm going to put that on my IMDB. Friar Jolly, you're up. I mean, smells different in here all of a sudden, doesn't it? Different wet nut smell. It's like a Baskin Robbins in here. I'm going to look at our friend Valix, and I'm going to cast a call upon the silver flame.

I'm going to cast sacred flame. He has to make a dexterity saving throw, DC 17, or else he will take some Radiant damage. Alright. Dex is not his strong suit, so let's see how this goes. 18. God dog it!

Well, Valix, I hope you like that wet nut smell. Because that's going to be you in a second. We're going to tear your nuts open and spread it all over your dumb face. Wow. Yeah, he definitely turns his head and looks at you and, like, cocks his head the side, trying to wrap his mind around everything you're saying, because even an arch ledge can't quite wrap their mind around such a visual. Movement wise.

I think I'm going to try. And then upon having said that move behind this table here, is there a body still here on this table? Yes. Oh, okay. I will point that out to everybody. Body on the table.

Oh, you want, you want me to get that for you? I'm just sharing it with the group. Yeah, if there's any nearby women who could do the labor, that would be really nice. Do the cleaning. I got it. Listen, we're doing the men's work of destroying testicles. Is that you? We as a group. we as a group

all right is that your turn sir are you hiding are you just kind of like i'm maneuvering i'm trying to get a little cover behind the table you have it all right that's it fizzbort will now attempt to not die. Oh, three successes. Yeah. He is now stable at zero hit points or one hit point, I should say. That got him alive to see that. Yeah, perhaps one day. He is sort of leaning like unconscious Against the table that you are hiding

Not quite hiding He's covered in nut wet My favorite candy bar Oh god Okay Winifred you're up Okay so Is Hoshinka Her body is here she's unconscious does she dead does she

look dead hashinka is cut up very badly she is standing uh well no she's crouched behind a table having just drank a health potion oh she did um Okay, then I am going to yoink this body and run again. Oh, yoink the body and run. Okay. So that is a... Do that sleight of hand check too if you want to be

mysterious. That's an 18 on the sleight of hand check too if you want to be mysterious 18 on the slight of hand alright silently whoosh off the table can we see can we see Valix yeah

Valix is centerish in the room so this time before I run, I'm gonna in Valix's voice, using my actor feet, I'm gonna yell to Orcus. And I'm just gonna, like, in Valix's

voice, I'm gonna say, like, you let these idiots deball you? What kind of demon, is he a demon? Is that his deal? Okay. Yeah. What kind of demon... Is he a demon? Is that his deal? Okay. Yeah. What kind of lame-ass demon lets a guy just

squeeze his balls until they pop like grapes? Pathetic. And then I'm gonna run to the next... Great. Do a deception check, please. That is a 32. 32. It's such a tragedy all right no one can see her giving these incredible performances i mean this is like the work of a lifetime do you know what i mean i this one i was gonna assign such a high dc to 32 like this is where my my tony is is let's yeah okay I will say you all hear

Orcus roar and rear back his head his arms pulling back claw like protrusions erupting from them and you're gonna run up to the table Hoshinka's hiding behind got it as you arrive there you see the unconscious body of

gus is splayed out behind the table and hoshinko says uh yes he's in a bad way okay um let me see if there's anything i can do with a bonus action i don't think so um okay um as a bonus action. I don't think so. Okay. As a bonus action, I'm going to... I'm going to... So he might be doing a death saving throw. Does it seem like he's

in that kind of position? Yeah. Well, he might be completely toast. It's difficult to tell. I would think with the insight roll you got last time,

you're like, oh, fuck, during the time time stop orcas went over here and just smashed guys um but yeah i mean i guess i need to know because i can i can try to give him a using i can use my bonus action for two different things here and i need to know if he's like alive and doing death saving throws or if he's like dead your your choice try a medicine or an insight check and I'll, I'll see what I can do. A insight check. And that's a 16. Oh,

sorry. 16. He looks like he is not completely dead, but the very, very light movement. Okay. So then I'm going to do, um, as a bonus action i'm gonna do a

bardic inspiration now it says this is gonna give him a uh oh it's an inspiration dive it says you can add it to an ability check attack roll or saving throw but you couldn't really add it to a death saving throw huh on you could i think well it's at the end of the day never mind you get no you get no inherent bonuses to a death okay you know what i can actually instead i did not realize that i can cast a mass healing word as a bonus action so i'm gonna do that oh i know a few people who will enjoy it's gonna be anyone within 60 feet of me um will regain not a lot but at least this will hopefully um hit points equal to 1d4 plus my spell casting ability modifier which is five so okay so this is gonna go out to gus hoshinka queep dr uid and. Uwud, and Ronnie. Everybody except

for Fizzbort and Firejolly. Sorry, it's only six points, but I softly be healed. And they are. Well, the two NPCs in front of you very much needed those

hit points, and uh ashinka thanks you gus is still unconscious but you see his wounds close up better than nothing will that do it how's my bonus action that is completion of my turn all right well uh just as a reminder via fr Jolly's announcement, there is one body left on a table and it is over the table that he is at. That is a body that was that is a body that was drained somewhat. I think you all saw early in the fight that that this body became more desiccated after it was drained a little bit, but it did not turn into a pile of ash. So it is it is been drained bit, but it did not turn into a pile of ash. So it is, it has been drained slightly,

but not completely of energy. Creep is up. Attack. The mighty cock-a-loo. I will say right now, Valix is much closer to you. Uh, I want to finish this guy off.

So that was, I missed what it was. It was like a 20 something. I think. You finish him off. Right. With a heavy end. Grab a towel. 21 is a hit. Roll your damage. Alrighty.

That is 9 points of damage. Attacking again. That's a hit. Roll your damage. Alrighty. That is 9 points of damage. Attacking again. That's a 12. Shrugging my shoulders. But that 9 is significant. Marcus, as I mentioned earlier,

has not been happy about how many times he has been cut open. Tough orkeys or his exposed nut meats or the fact that alex just called him out nut me you know what he's looking so rough at this point after queep hits him At this point, after Queep hits him, there seems to be just a strange vibe. So can I, for the magic users, which are Winifred, Dr. Uid, and Friar Jolly, can I get an Arcana check?

Arcana or history, I will let you decide. Okay, wait, I'm changing my roll. 23 Arcana or history, I will let you decide. Okay, wait, I'm changing my roll. 23 arcana. 17 history. Dr. Uyghur, you're too busy getting ready for your next nut punch to really put this together. You're just really winding it up Popeye style, just ring-a-ring-a-ring-a-ring before you rock it upwards. Which, you know, I'm assuming you're still going to keep hitting him there even though there has been massive blood loss from that area otherwise he's

got two winifred you you're not quite sure what's going on you do notice orcus is pretty fucked up however friar jolly for what you know of demons especially from studying under the silver flame about forces of evil he should not be so vulnerable to physical attacks it feels as though he is not at his full power and this must have something to do with the fact that Valix technically still has the mantle. Yeah. And Orcus has been killed in the past. So he might not have fully come back from the dead. He might still be manifesting all of his original power. You guys got a whale on those nuts?

And also I'll throw in there, like, he's... This is something specifically Friar Jolly is noticing. Orcus whale nuts. No, I just... This is the demon of undeath. Like, he tends to regenerate himself and command undead things. And so, that is a part of this guy. That is all I wanted to throw in there.

Kweep, I believe, has taken his two moves. Do you want to move? Literally. I took your two attacks. I'll head over here. Okay. Up onto that platform great just the one with the body on it uh just to the south of you which you can also walk out if you want right where friar jolly and his board are that is the one with the body. All right. Up next, then,

is Gus. He's going to wake up for his turn, and he's going to kind of, like, wiggle farther behind the table and just say,

Aw, heck! Oh! He's adorable. That means fuck in his language the shambling horror of swamp roots is up now

uh dr uid you i'm gonna put your token kind of farther south for your nut punches sure this thing having observed what you did is going to try to reach into the ground and pull you out can i get a strength check please

as make sure you roll it as your earth elemental what i have here 14 plus 5 is is 19. great and he is rolling 20. he gets a 20. oh so these long root-like fingers reach into the rock floor and just sort of scoop you out you resist as hard as you can but he just rips you out of the ground and he is going to squeeze you squeeze a rock can i get a constitution savings throw that's your saving throw squeeze me uh 15 plus 5 20. oh nice you managed to wiggle around as he tries to crush you into powder and not take any damage. But he does have you, like, gripped,

and he's got you engulfed in roots. Okay. Sure. I love it. I thought you would. It's like a hug. Ronnie, you are up. Yes.

All right. Now, Orcus has sort of time blinked away from you. So if you want to run over and keep arm stabbing him, he is 40 feet away. I'm not sure you have 40 feet of movement. You might want to double check that. You might have to like jog towards him and not get to him. I'm pulling up your sheets. You do have 50 feet of walking speed, Brian Brian if you wanted to walk up to him

hey Brian yeah I'm awake I'm here I'm just trying to think of what to do alright I have some distance. I'm going to dart him, actually. Yeah. Okay.

I'm going to use my little ranged weapon there. Cool. 17. That's a hit. Cool. 17. That's a hit. Cool. Take that, motherfucker. Five points of piercing damage.

You get another one. Flap. Probably 13 isn't going to hit. No, sadly that isn't going to hit. Go have his armor. Bink. Yeah, sadly that isn't going to hit. That'll just sort of glance off of his thick hide. Clunk.

Would you like to move at all, Brian? Nah. Okay. Then it is Valix's turn. He is not going to notice all the ducking behind the table to his left. But he is noticing the less subtle gathering at a table to his right at the last body. He's looking around and realizing there's only one body left there

so he is going to fly on over and raise the body up with telekinesis and you see smoky energy being siphoned off of the body you just cleaned up after yourself. A little soul collection? Yeah. Bust your own soul. Why is this body still on the table? Hashinka is going to sneak around

to this table to the north and then she is going to, yeah, she would dash. She's going to move two tables over. She's getting close to your table over there, Friar Jolly. Maybe, you know, to do some labor.

Orcus is up. And do-do-do-do-do-do-do. He's really going to follow through on what we all thought might happen. With a shark? He's going to walk up to Valix and try to smash him to death with the wand. Hmm. Which, 32 on a deception check sweet christ that was funny to me all right yeah it's a 24 to hit

Yeah, it's a 24 to hit. And Valix is going to take 42 points of necrotic damage as he just gets smashed, or bludgeon damage as he gets smashed. And he wheels around and stares at Orcus, dropping the body, not completely desiccated, back onto the table. To the floor? No. No.

I'm sorry, just back on the table. So low. Still work to be done and a reference to be made. And we're coming up on the end, but I like not ending on an NPC's turn because it feels anticlimactic to me. Let's have one of our heroes make a move, even though it's in the middle of the turn order. Hey, Dr. Uwud, why don't you take a turn?

I'm going to swing at some actual nuts and take a swing at that plant. It crushed me. Okay. It tried to crush me. That's a natural 20 for the first one oh shit and that's a 14 plus 8 for the second one so 20 uh natural 20 and 22 all righty the first one is that's a 12. 24 plus 3, 27. And the second one is another 7, so 34 points on the plant's nut.

And that's with the double dice? That's with the double dice. And can you please roll 100? 100. 65. Oh, how would you like to see the plant die? I'd love to. I would like to see it get disappeared into a blender

and then pureed into a little smoothie. And then I would like to have a little LA mom drink it before she goes to hot yoga class. You know, watch it spin around to a beautiful weekend? No, actually, I would just like to see it just kind of get smashed like a pumpkin, except without any Smashing Pumpkins music

playing. Nice. Yeah, Billy Corgan is too problematic. Alright, let's go ahead and celebrate that death and wrap it up and find out what happens with Friar Jolly's turn on our next episode of Nerdy Pokes.

Hi, Sam. Hi, guys. All right, episode 49. A lot of us are frightened of Valix, officially, game-wise. Winifred is flirting with some plants. Brian whiffed all three of his rolls. Winifred is doing a masculine word,

which helps all our boys. Ken finished a guy off. Gus let out an awe heck. There's a third body on the table that won't leave. And we ended on Dr. Uid killing a plant, Eve six style. Nice.

You killed Dan. I mentioned on the last episode that I might have some tour dates popping up. Just keep an eye on my Instagram and I will post tour flyers as soon as I have information. Also, I'm trying to post stand-up clips to Instagram reels, which I refused to do for years. And I just finally, I finally put the effort into it. So it's out there follow me on instagram everybody i have 25 000 followers on twitter and that is the worst let's let's let's head on over to instagram and have some fun hashtag i'm an influencer

brian brian persane.com for tour dates. I've got San Diego. I've got Denver. And then I'm off in August. But a bunch of other places are coming up. Check me out. Check it out.

See you there. Bring comics for me to sign. Belain. We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. On the next exciting episode of Nerd Poker,

a hole in space-time threatens to suck the Nerd Poker gang into a pocket universe. Can they make it to Joanne Fabric in time to save reality? All this when we hack into Neil deGrasse Tyson's shower cam on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker. And you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069

Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.