Nerd Poker - S5E5 Kill The Eyeless Murderers

Episode Date: August 9, 2022

Looks like the cave has all those eyeless owl harpies you ordered! After deftly disarming a trap and interrogating a corpse, it's time to test our heroes' mettle in combat!  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Blake Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Nerd Poker.

My friends are all here. Look at them. It's season five, episode five. We did it. Blaine's here. Hello, Blaine. Hey, Brian. I had like 80 frogs in my throat. I murdered them. Chris is here.

Brian, I'm worried about those frogs. It's going to be okay. Oh, they're dead now. Yep. Ken's here. Hi, Brian. I'm moving quick. See how I'm doing? Yeah, do it. Go, go, go. Sarah, look at Sarah. Hey, Sarah. Don't look at me. You know I hate that, but hello, Brian. I'm moving quick. See how I'm doing? Yeah, do it. Go, go, go. Sarah, look at Sarah. Hey, Sarah.

Don't look at me. You know I hate that. But hello, everyone. Don't look. Look away. Dan's here. Hi, Brian. Please look at me longingly.

Dan Telfer and I had a fantastic weekend at the American Comedy Company. Anybody who came out to see those shows, I know there were definitely listeners. If you came out, you're awesome. We appreciate it. They were super fun. And Dan made the show extra nerdy. It already is a nerd-tacular, but it was super fun.

Thanks, buddy, for doing that. Oh, thanks for inviting me along. It was a lot of fun. Oh, shout out to Mike Cri uh for sure his partner who we saw after show and um i feel really bad because i didn't get their name i didn't get his name i got andrea and her partner uh said hi to me after the show and gave us dice they gave they gave me uh a die and they gave me something to give you brian they gave me like a chessix tube of dice that I have to hand you. But I forgot because they gave it to me.

Like, when did I leave the Friday show? At like 1230 in the morning and you and I had already. Yeah. And then I just, I kept forgetting to hand it off. We don't do meet and greets anymore because of COVID. But people still sneak by and come by and drop stuff off for us. So it was great to see Mike. Krimier is one of our oldest supporters.

Like he's a friend from Jerry Duggan. I met him at Jerry's wedding and known him for years. So, but he's been supporting the show since the year wolf days. Remember that? Speaking of that, look at that. These two, America's sweethearts, everybody. It's Sam and Robin. Hey, buddy.

Hello, sweet children. What's going on, man? Nothing much. Just soaking it in with this guy. Sam, did you guys get your photo taken? We did. We had a professional portrait taken. I decided to go non-bits because it was even funnier to take it seriously. your photo taken we did we had a professional portrait ticket and i wore i wore i didn't i

decided to go nine bits because it was even funnier to take it seriously so there's it'll i'll get here in like a month it's me wearing like a very nice suit posing like i've written a book on finance with ramen and there was a great moment they they tried to get a picture of just ramen and i was like hey you're gonna have to abandon this he's too crazy uh and they're like well maybe if you sit and maybe if we put a treat and I was like I promise you he won't and then he went insane with zoomies and ran around the room and knocked the camera over on the tripod the very expensive camera and and the woman looked at me and I went yep that's what I said and then he peed in the dressing room.

Oh, didn't you? Because you're untrained because of me. Nice. Dan? Brian, let me thank yet more supporters of ours. These are, of course, our Hayboss and Stargoyle tiers over

at Patreon. y'all patreon dot com slash nerd poker we will appreciate each and every one of you but these particular tears get shout outs thank you critter dj thanks dargther's ass closet not a euphemism

just very literal thank you joel h thank you gimme five b's for a boing cone thank you devona up you literal thank you joel h thank you gimme five bees for a boing cone thank you devona up you rock thank you one quarter viking three quarters sassy thank you david brown thank you matt scroggins thank you michael palombi thank you thank you warthog thank you derrick moats thank you alan menerich thank you paco Paco. Ska or die, Pluma. Thank you, Sour Creamsicle. Thank you, Funk Juggernaut.

Thank you, James Tost. Thank you, Dylan Crawford. Thank you, Total Rad NES. Google it, bro. Thank you, Robert Driscoll. Thank you, Jamie Yukin. Thank you, Disintegrated Jawa. Thanks, So Behind.

I'll go with Priha. Thank you, Kevin Langha. Thank you. Kevin Langton. Thank you. That kid's dad. You know which kid I'm talking about. Hmm. Hmm.

Thank you. Jesse hair. Thank you. Trisha green. Thank you. Gamorrean orc. Thanks. Scott Parker.

Thanks. Paul and, uh, Linji. Linji. I, I, who knows? Thank you.

Dan is my favorite monster. Indeed. Indeed. What? What is, huh? What does that mean? Thank you. Dan is my favorite monster. Indeed. Indeed. What? What is? Huh? What does that mean? Thank you, John Hugglin.

Thank you, Francis Bedard. Thank you, Sam's Hydro Seal. Thank you. What's Blink Dog? Not much. What's Blink with you? Thank you. The ghost of Mr. Dickon.

Thank you, Dan Snodgrass. Thank you, D Scribbins. Thank you, Parn Crying in Hell Because You Forgot Him, a notorious NPC from the very first S.A.R.C. campaign on Nearwolf. Thank you, Ziggy Kielmeister. Thank you, Hayden Grant. Thank you, Andy Parker. Thank you,

Steve Seabee. Thank you, Matt Medersky. And finally, thank you, Nicholas, Nicholas Grimmel Blaine. Who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Dan, those Patreon supporters are brought to us by... All our friends in the Funny Sports Name District. Tyle Alzado.

Bulky Dent. Quilt Chamberlain. Kobe Toy and Hobby. Bjorn Borscht. Famburger Phelpser. William Relax the Back Perry. And you're killing me, Larry Bird. Come on down to the funny sports team district

where the Catfish Hunter becomes the Catfish Hunty. Dan? when a catfish hunter becomes the catfish hunty. Oh, I got something. This was sent to me by somebody who came to see one of my Appleton, Wisconsin shows a couple weeks ago. This is very nice. I'm going to hold on

to this until we're all in public again. But look at that. Can we get a pic? Can somebody get like a freeze frame? Yeah. Yamazaki 12. They do it like this.

Is this better? Brian, stand up and take one. No, no. Yeah, get a screen grip but that's for all of us and it says it's engraved on the bottle this is a nice bottle so the manager

of the club sent it out I want to thank them I want to thank everybody out there but nerd poker crew try not to die. But if you do, salute. That's really nice. Yeah, really nice bottle.

Thank you. Like I said, and then he wrote a note to Brian Poussin and his friends at Nerd Poker. From your fan, Stephen Moore. Thanks, Stephen. It says, P.S. Thanks for the best shout-out ever, despite still waiting on Matt. Nerd Poker episode 53, Parnes Village,

December 3rd, 2013. We were just talking about that. Oh my god. That's crazy. That's so long ago. Yep. But nice little card mixed with a beautiful bottle. Thanks so much.

Let me see his name again one more time. Damn it. Stephen Moore. Thanks, Stephen. I will hold on to this till my friends are all here. Yeah. Back

What happened in 4? I can't remember. Well, if only a disembodied voice would tell us what happened last time on NerdPoker. Our heroes were delving into a cave at the base of the cliffs beneath the evil castle of Vendaria, hoping to eventually kill King Kilvallax. King kill? Kill King?

Listen, you guys. I bumped my head on a doorframe like two minutes before we recorded this episode. Oh, no. Whoa, you all look like goblins. What's happening? Anyway, our heroes delved into a cave deep beneath the cliffs, beneath the evil castle of King Valix known as Vindaria. You guys got through a weird trap where there was some leathery straps connected to a strange

bulge on the cavern ceiling. Though you have yet to uncover what is within the ceiling bulge, you have tippy-toed a little bit farther down only to discover a strange thing with a circlet in it. Looks like that was supposed to be a gift to King Voxen. Oh, whoops. A barn owl harpy is flying straight for our friend. It's time to roll initiative. So, everybody, could you please roll initiative?

Dan. Yeah, do it. No point of order. No. Is there a point of order. No. Is there a point of order? Golly. Oh, at the end of the last episode, both Sarah and Blaine asked if they could take actions. And you said.

Because they saw it coming. Yes, because they got the perception check. And I said, yes, we'll do that first. Thank you, Chris. Did you just listen to a rough cut of the last episode or do you just take better notes than I did? I time traveled and watched myself record the episode but then i killed old me so i don't know what's gonna happen whoa i know i tripped at least you did it the right way and committed murder i was carrying four cinder blocks and he went it sucked um i was just to remind Blaine that he has a bardic inspiration from me and my beautiful snake song, which means that he can he has an inspiration, a D8 for 10 minutes that he can add to one ability check attack roll or saving throw.

But what I what I think is cool about it, just this is like a bard thing that I didn't know, is that you can use it after you see the roll. So you can wait until you roll low and then add it. It just needs to be before, you know, the outcome of the role it says. So. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I have no big deal, I guess. No, I'm trying to, uh, yeah, it's great.

I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm looking for, uh, what I would apply that to on the thing that I'm planning to do. Oh, sorry. Well, you're, I'm looking for what I would apply that to on the thing that I'm planning to do. This is so weird. Well, you get to take an action specifically. So this thing is flying,

and what I'm giving you is six seconds are going by before everyone rolls initiative and enters combat. So you two specifically get one turn or six seconds before the combat begins. Cool. I didn't hear what you said. Cause I was also talking. What did you say? Um,

nothing. Are you asking me what my action is? Yes. Oh, why do you say cool? Did you already answer what's happening? Hi. Oh my God. I just don't know why i'm i'm hoping you guys will tell me what

your action is and the silence is very confusing nothing oh i was waiting for blaine because he said he was preparing a thing the waiting is what's killing us all the hardest part i'm ready to go ronnie's ready when you're ready but sweet're ready Ronnie has to wait for these very aggressive yet polite heroes to decide how they're going to save you oh okay well uh I was thinking that first

I would uh what was the thing I was thinking about doing here you can move you can attack you can I was thinking about doing here? Holy shit. So you can move you can attack you can. I was thinking about going down to the funny sports name district. Actually I was

I was going to throw up a wall of fire Dan but I rolled very low on my initiative. Well we're not rolling initiative yet Blaine. What we're saying is you and Sarah get to take an action before initiative commences. So you can do a wall of fire. So go ahead. You can do it right now. Do your wall of fire.

Yes, I'm going to throw up a burning wall of fire. Sweet. Can you remind us how wide this wall of fire is? I'm going to draw it on the map as you remind us. Give me 20 more minutes to look around and stuff. Cool. Well, what I'll do is Google it. It says right here, I create a wall of fire on a solid surface within range. I make the wall up to 60 feet long,

20 feet high, and one foot thick. Or a ringed wall up to 20 feet in diameter, 20 feet high, and one foot thick. It's opaque and lasts for the duration. Each creature in the area must make a dexterity saving throw. On a failed save, the creature takes 5d8 or half as much on a successful

save so uh i'm gonna keep using to keep those things on the other side of the wall winifred you see dr ugo like throw his hands up and these flames burst forth which is very impressive and will inform what you do but uh also dr let's talk real quick about what the shape of this wall is going to be. I want to describe this to listeners, too. But the cavern is about 12 to 15 feet wide and about 10 feet high. So this is going to be more than wide enough. You can do a ring.

You can do a wall. You can curve it, slap it, squish it, crunch it, bop it. But yeah. Twist it, slap it, squish it, crunch it, bop it. But yeah. Twist it, pull it. I was going to kind of make it a long thing that just puts as much wall surface between them and us. So that if anywhere that they try to get through is going to be blocked. Well, what I will allow is for, because there is like a little

point, if I look at it kind of diagonally, where the wall is only about 10 feet wide, I would allow you to do like a double firewall. It won't do double damage, but it'll create... It's twice as thick. It is, double damage but it'll it'll twice as thick it is yeah and it'll

definitely be impossible to see through yeah let's do that okay and i'll uh i'll wait until i see uh i i know there's something really close if you look on the map right now i'm gonna do a freehand drawing of what i imagine this looks like so it it's going to go like this, basically. That makes sense. And then I'm going to do like a little flamey things. So. Oh, that's nice. I like that.

Look at you. Look at you, Dan. Look at that. I'm really talented. But I'm no Sean Bryant. You throw these sort of dual fire walls up and you can just for a moment, Winifred, see the harpies kind of go like,

like pull back a little bit silently and like they fan their wings out and they look like they're trying to pull back away but without flying directly into the flame. What would you like to do with your action? Is there one or did you say there's two? There's two.

One is like an immediate danger of hitting. I'm just going to pick one of them and I'm going to cast vicious mockery on it. Okay.

And I'm just gonna step forward and I'm gonna be like, Madam, you should be lucky you do not have eyes, for you do not have to see what we see in your hideous visage. And then she's gonna take a 2d4 of damage because she was so wounded by my words, guess does she do a saving throw you said i don't think so oh yeah wait uh wisdom saving throw great and then hold up but i yeah it's

less about the damage on this one and more about like tell me if she passed it or not right and this is a variation harpy kind of like the one I made for The Last God. So, kind of like Felspire. Great guy to buy a Voices album, by the way. So it does have a negative one to Wisdom, but it rolled a 16. What is the...

Attack save is 16. Oh, well, that's going to be a 15 because of the negative one. Awesome. Okay, so then she and her hideous well that's going to be a 15 because of the negative one. Awesome. Okay, so then she and her hideous visage is going to take um She's going to take six points of damage

but more importantly she's going to have disadvantage on her next attack roll. Okay. Psychic damage. Okay. Psychic damage. Cool. And that was the harpy that was closer to the fire? The one to the south?

Yeah, I just said I picked one, so I guess I would be whatever one was closest to us to attack. Yep. Okay. So I'll leave a little mark on that one's token. I am putting a mark on the token just to recognize what you just did, Sarah, but I will just note you guys can't see the harpies

anymore. I think that's going to be important as a reminder. Okay. They are behind two walls of flame right now which occupy the entire space of the cavern in front of you. Alright, well, that was quite an opening gambit. Let's everybody roll which occupy the entire space of the cavern in front of you. All right. Well, that was quite an opening gambit.

Let's everybody roll initiative proper. Blaine, you got a terrible initiative. I'll let you re-roll it because I asked you not to roll initiative earlier when you rolled it. Gosh. 12 plus three is 15. Lovely. Thank you, Dan.

Kweep, what'd you get? 11. Ronnie, what'd you get 11 Ronnie what'd you get 10 initiative yeah initiative uh while you roll that Friar Jolly what'd you get 17 lovely Winifred what'd you get

20 nice Brian turns his sound on and it's like smoke pouring out of your speakers and rock and roll like Spicoli's van. 13. Alright, so that's a 13 for Ronnie.

Bunk got a 7. And the Harpies rolled a 19. Mmm. So. They're not gonna beat Winifred's 20. Winifred, why don't you tell us how you want to start this out? So I can no longer see them, you said, though? That puts a damper on my insults.

You cannot see them. So this is the kind of thing where you might want to take advantage of the time you just bought yourselves that's just that's that's what would occur to you uh uh base level intelligence insight whatever you want to call it but i will let you decide on your own if you want to roll insight to try to come up with more battle plans i'm to it, but it does seem you don't have a lock on them. And if you were, say, doing like a ranged attack, it would maybe be with disadvantage. Okay, what about a...

Well, I'm just going to try to... I'm going to cast Shatter, a point of my choice within range. So I'm going to cast it just past the Wall of Flame. Sure, yes. It's a 10-foot radius sphere, so I'm going to make sure it doesn't reach back to our group. Yes. As a constitution saving throw.

Okay. For both of them, right? Yes. For both of them, right? Yes If they are within, I mean it's a 10 foot radius sphere, so it's a matter of whether I actually get them in it or not We got a botch plus one and a five plus one Hey

So let me know that shatter damage Oh, I should have said I was gonna, yeah, I'm gonna cast it at second level Okay, so Thank you for saying it. ...38... let's see... So that's 13 points... 13 points of thunder damage.

Okay. That's fantastic. Where? Killing my creatures? All right. Is that going to do it for your turn, Winifred? I believe that it is. Yes, let me double check that.

Learning. Bonus action. Yeah, that it is. Yes, let me double check that. Learning. Bonus action. Yeah, that's it. Great. Friar Jolly, you will be up in just a second. First, I just want to acknowledge that though you cannot see it, the harpies are behind the firewall.

It looks like two of them might have almost crashed into the firewall, but you're not sure. Not sure. So, uh, stuff is happening, and we're gonna throw it to Fire Jolly. Looks like that firewall really kept those viruses out of here. Alright, Fire Jolly is going to cast

Aid. No, am I wrong? I see. He's gonna cast Bless. Uh, I bless up to three creatures of my choice. Whenever a target makes an attack roll or a saving throw before the spell ends, they can add a D4. So I'm going to cast it on what I assume to be our front three fighters. What is, I can't remember his name, the blue halfling guy with us, Bing Bing Bork Bork, what's his name? Bunk. Bunk. Or Bunkle Chee Rankin Boing. What is his class?

He is a fighter Okay, yeah, so I'll put it on the three that I think they're going to be up front So Ronnie, Queet and Bunk I'm going to cast aid, so basically that means for the next minute you guys can add a

d4 to an attack roll or a saving throw. So a minute is like, I don't know, 10 rounds, so it'll last for a while. And then for movement, Dan, how dark is it sort of

down here? There's a hallway that seems to sort of start just to the south of us and continue. Like, how dark is that? It's darker than the tunnel you're in right now. With the fire, yeah, the fire, like, it's very well lit.

Okay, I think maybe just to kind of, like, spread out the targets for our jolly, we'd kind of scoot around Ronnie. Pardon me, my bestie. And maybe move into the hallway a little bit. All right. Maybe like there.

So maybe I'm about 15 feet south of Ronnie. And that's my turn. Cool. So, yeah, Friar Jolly moves into that sort of southern hallway, kind of apart from everyone else a little bit weep yeah are the harpies dead

yeah you won congratulations they're behind the fire and we don't know exactly what's happening roll credits yeah I insulted them and so they probably quit they probably quit they They probably quit. They're probably like, without their eyeballs they're crying.

You know what? I'm going to... So we can't see them. We don't know what's going on back there. Correct. Correct. Well, shit. Don't do that. I'm going to shit.

I'm going to... If I go higher, will I be able to see over it Nope It's 10 feet tall right Blaine Yeah It's sort of a fire plug I'm gonna I don't know what to do

I'm just gonna Move up I guess Yeah you know what's amusing to me about this is this is a concentration spell that can last up to a minute, so if Dr. Ud wants, he can keep this going for six turns. Mm-hmm.

Here was... Well, I'm gonna wait until... I'm done. I just moved up. Okay. Ken, you can hold an attack. Yes, that's true. Alright, you can hold an attack. Yes, that's true. Alright, I'll hold an attack. Yes, I will make a note.

You're holding an attack, which I'm notorious for forgetting, and we'll try not to. I'll try to. Dr. Uid, you're up. Is it possible for me to move this wall forward? As a, just sort of like move it forward 10 feet or 20 feet each, each round that I have. Like I'm pushing in, hoping I can trap them in there.

I don't believe you're allowed to move the wall. Move the wall, okay. I believe you, yeah, like it's, uh, it's pretty much just something you keep going. Okay. Uh, I rolled my magic thing to see if I was having, gonna have a magic spell and I did not. My thing where I lose my mind.

Wild magic botch. Will it happen someday? It remains to be seen. Did not happen. But I'm going to uh uh uh Do you know what? I'm going to I'm going to keep it going while everybody figures out what we can possibly do with this. Okay.

That'll bring us to Ronnie. Hey Ronnie. Hey. Hi. Hi. this okay that'll bring us to ronnie hey ronnie hey hi hi so just as you were about to get just utterly trounced from behind by a couple of creepy eyeless harpies dr ewood steps in and covers the entire wall or the entire opening of the cavern between you and the harpies with flame and you're safe for now. Would you like to do something strategic? Would you like to hold your action? What would you like to do? Where

am I? I'm in the front anyway, right? Yeah. Yeah, maybe kind of close. Is there a wall or no? There's nothing I can sort of kind of hug. Yeah, there's like a harpy's nest to your right. To your left, Friar Jolly has kind of gone down a hallway a little bit, kind of readying himself.

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do, and kind of stick to the wall a little. Down by Friar Jolly or kind of up by the harpy's nest? Close to the Harpy's. Ready to attack, but also kind of covered if I need to be. Sure. Well, you know what I think you might do is, if you are looking to roll 20, I'm going to scoot you kind of

down here, which is like by the opening of this hallway, so if you want, you can fall back by Friar Jolly, but you are kind of right up by the firewall. Sounds good. And hold an action, yeah? Yeah. Two best friends

side by side ready to fight and save each other's lives. Your enthusiasm is appreciated. The leader and his friend. Yeah. Well, I think I see the plan.

At least right now, I don't know where this is going, but I am readying my swords. Dunk takes out his two swords, one of them curved, and just like clangs them against each other and gets into a battle invitation pose. He is going to hold his action and get right between Kweep and Ronnie at the front line. Up next is gonna be Winifred. Again?

No. Well, the Wall of Flame has really delayed what would have been a barrage of harpy attacks so right now you guys are kind of now because we're at the top of the turn order i can tell you guys if you want you can just keep holding your actions um provided the harpies aren't about to do something but you know strategically winifred you're the only player with initiative higher than the Harpies in the turn order. So if you want, you can add yourself to the list of people holding their action, or you can do something strategic, but you don't know yet whether or not the Harpies are going to do something about this Wall of Flame that, again, Dr. Ud could keep up for another five turns if he wants.

Right. Yeah, I guess I will hold my action then. Okay. Where would you like to do it from? How are you going to get in position? I'm going to do it from right where I am. Great. You're kind of in the back where Dr. Ud is. Yep.

And that will take us to the harpies. The harpies are going to do something that I will not share. So now we are up to Friar J will not share. So now, we are up to Friar Jolly and Dr. Ud, basically. I will ask you at the same time, do either of you want to hold your action and just wait? Blaine, what do you want to do with the firewall?

Do you guys have a plan? I was going to ask everyone. We can't hold, yeah. Why don't we take advantage of this moment and search that nest? You could or Blaine. I'm sorry. I interrupted.

No, I was going to ask if we all just wanted to ready some sort of, you know, brace ourselves and just I'll drop this thing and we can just hit them all at once. Kind of a thing. Or we got about 50 seconds. Why don't we search the shit out of that thing and see if there's treasure or an egg or something. And then when that flame wall's getting ready to drop, then we can exactly like

you said, execute a murder of harpies. I'm going to say because Dr. Uwud is running a concentration spell. He cannot join you, but if the rest of you would like to do an investigation check, you can search the Harpy's Nest, or

if you want, this hallway's doors. There's doors? If you look to where Friar Jolly is, there are actually three doors down in that hallway. I'm going to search the nest. I thought that was, oh, yeah.

Okay, yeah, Jolly, you root around in that nest. Copy. That sounds like a good plan. You have 48 seconds. It's true. So is anyone going to join Friar Jolly? Basically, please state if you're joining Friar Jolly or if you're going south to those hallways doors.

I'll go to the hallway doors. Okay. I guess I didn't know. I thought that was just like an offshoot passage. I didn't think it was. I didn't realize it was a door lined hallway. It looks like one at first, but now that Friar Jolly has gone down there,

he can see there are doors. You guys have kind of not really looked at first, but now that Friar Jolly has gone down there, he can see there are doors. You guys have kind of not really looked at it closely until now. Are there unlimited doors? I'm frozen. Or there's three. Yeah, there's three. You

need to tell me. Ronnie, Queep, which way are you going? What are you doing? I'm going to investigate the nest. Great. Ronnie? I'm a to investigate the nest. Great. Ronnie? Because I'm a bird and I know how nests work. Checking it out. Nest or doors? Nest. Great. Everybody roll an investigation check

except for Dr. Uwe. Dr. Uwe, you are running a spell right now and can't really focus on much else. Yes, I'm buffering. Buffering. Also, we just lost Chris Tallman. Investigation, you said? Investigation, please. He just signed off his name, hopefully.

He's back. Just roll. 19. 12. Two 19s. Okay. Got a 12. Chris.

Yes. Where did you get on an investigation check? I did not roll I'm sorry I was frozen And trying to figure it out Oh no problem buddy Oh Investigation oh I only rolled a Three Oh damn I have a plus one so that's a four

Okay so Friar Jolly and You guys head up to the nest and you're kind of just like I don't know what to do with this. Brian, Ronnie is kind of digging around in there and you find what looks like a weird little lockbox. Okay. One, two.

Three lockbox. It's like a little prayer book sized metal case with a simple metal latch on it that is not including a lock as far as you can tell. There's just a button on it you can push. It's underneath a bunch of bones and slime, so you have to kind of scrape it off.

You have a little box now. Who's near me? I am. Yeah, you are near Kweep and Friar Jolly. I'm sure it's Kweep and Friar Jolly let me show it to Kweep what do I think of it yeah I mean tell me tell Kweep if there's something you want him

reaction wise do because right now I think Kweep is just going by shrug okay well I don't know what to do with it either I mean do I think I mean, do I think it's magical? Do I think it's worth something? Does my bird knowledge help? Right now, both of you are just looking

at this and it looks like it's made of brass. Neither of you are versed in magic well enough to have a good guess. And right now with the wall of flame burning there, I would think both of you are in a heightened adrenaline state where you're thinking, okay, either we try and pop this thing open or save it for later.

Save it for later. Yeah. Yeah, don't show it to me. That's fine. Oh, yeah, show it to No, no, no. That's cool. You showed it to your friend. You picked who you like. I forgot you were right there. Oh, Jesus

Christ. I didn't mean it like that, you son of a bitch. I forgot you were right there Oh Jesus Christ I didn't mean it like that You son of a bitch Christian Jesus Christ Just look at it you dumb fuck Oh now I feel better What is it? It's a box with a little button on it?

Yeah it's got a little button on it. Again, it's like prayer book size. So I would say it's like, you know, smaller than a normal book. It's got a little brass latch on it. Does it in any way, obviously we're just scanning it for like six seconds, does it in any way seem like a weapon? I'll do an insight check. I'll allow. Winifred, don't worry, I'm going to get to you in a second with your $19. we're just scanning it for like six seconds. Does it in any way seem like a weapon? Do an insight check. I'll allow...

Winifred, don't worry. I'm going to get to you in a second with your 19 down the hallway. Insight check. Oh, Christ. I rolled a 1. Oh, plus 8. 9, Dan! Yep. You don't know. No vibes.

I hand it back to Roddy and say, let's save it for later. Winifred, you went down this little hallway. It's only about 20 feet deep and you notice there's a door ahead of you to the right and to the left. With a 19, I'll allow you to

investigate all three of them. Is that what you would like to do? Yes. Okay. You open the right one. It is a long, abandoned bed. You open the bottom one. It looks almost like some sort of captain's quarters.

You're not sure exactly who lived here, but it looks like it's been years since they went in there. There's a bed and a small table. but it looks like it's been years since they went in there. There's a bed and a small table. And as you lean up against the left with a roll of 18 or higher, I was going to tell you, you hear a very aggressive scratching on the other side of this door that you don't think was there before the wall of fire and shatter happened. Does it sound, you say scratching,

does it sound like you're scratching at the door or something scratching around in the room? Okay, so I'm going to give you a choice. There's something that sounds humanoid sized, very large, scratching angrily and desperately against the wood with something as if it cannot get out but

wants to. You can either investigate that further with that 19. Tell me whether you want to open the door or not or do some other sort of huh what's going on or you can go to one of the other two rooms and rifle through stuff

um okay uh I guess I call out to the others there's something behind this door and then I'm gonna investigate the captain's quarters okay you head down there and

it looks like at some point someone who was not a harpy with you know either a thief's agenda or a general scavenger kind of vibe went through everything and you know you don't think you're necessarily the first heroes to try to come in through here. Probably somebody got murdered by the harpies within the last few months. But this room is pretty picked clean. However, you do notice under the bed there are a series of tools. Underneath you find an extra set of thieves tools. You find what looks like some sort

of complex thieves lockpicking device that you have no idea what to do with it right now. You feel like you'd have to spend some time working with it. And also a pair of gloves, silk black gloves.

Hmm. Hmm. All right. So, um, now that you've done that, are you guys all going to get back to holding your action and getting in battle? Uh,

readiness mode. Yes. Great. It's behind the scratching. So there's something scratching behind this door. Yeah. That is one more thing that you could potentially address. tell me what you like. Do you want to leave that for after? behind this door. Yeah, that is one more thing that you could potentially address. Tell me.

Would you like to? Do you want to leave that for after? Yes. It seems like maybe on more than one front is not the best mode. Yes, so maybe the Tarrasque will fight with us. Haha!

The only way to know is to open the 10 foot tall door and see if the 300 foot tall creature comes out. So, where, please rearrange the following tokens. Fire Jolly, you just move back. Is that where you want to be? You want to be kind of farther against the back wall of the nest? You know what? Maybe, yeah, that looks good to me.

I still have a line of sight. Right now, there's a pretty solid front line of Ronnie, Bunk, and Queep. So, it does look like they could have it sorted in that sense. Winifred, where would you like to go?

I'm gonna go back here. I'm gonna move there to plug the hole, so that way they can't get through. Kinda right between Queep and Bunk. Plug the hole like a rat in a toilet? You know what, Queep, what occurs to me, is if you take my place, and then I move next to you, so that you come there, then they can't get past us.

Right? Done. Great. Boom. All right. Got a pretty solid wall going. Dr. Uter, are you okay in the back? Yeah, I'm just concentrating on this wall.

Well, I will say at this point, you guys have used up pretty much all but one turn. So are you going to drop the firewall and let the melee begin? I'm going to look. I'm looking for thumbs up from everybody. Yeah, we're all holding actions. Holding an attack. All right. I'm going to a la peanut butter sandwiches.

And then the wall drops. Okay. When you drop the wall drops. Okay. When you drop the wall, first of all, it's going to be Winifred's turn first. Okay. And I'm going to spend a second revealing what you guys see. Dan looking for this thing is brought to you by thin Oreos three angstroms of delicious

thin Oreos alright so you drop the firewall and you note there are a lot more harpies than there were there a second ago what happened uh oh Jesus so right now right now I mean there a second ago. What happened? Oh, Jesus. So right now,

I mean, this is just what you can see visibly with the fire down. There are nine or ten. Yeah. I say ten. It's ten visible right now. And so

I'm going to just really quickly delete the flames. So it's not to add. They were pretty while they lasted. In fact, they were so pretty. I'm going to very briefly take a screen grab to make sure that listeners can enjoy. All right, done. What would you like to do, Winifred? Well, that's certainly the damper on my plans,

but I guess... Yeah, they're all hissing, beating their wings. Okay, so I'm gonna... I guess what I'm gonna do now is I'm going to cast... I'm gonna cast Shatter again now that I can see them. Uh-huh. I'm gonna cast it at fourth level so it'll do more damage.

So how many can I get in a ten foot radius sphere if I... Time to bust out the old ruler tool. I feel like I could do... I could get five if I go right in the middle of that. Right? Right in the... Yeah, you get right in the middle of that right right in the yeah you get right in the

middle of that there's a there's five harpies that had kind of bundled themselves up right in front of it a little harpy circle so that'll be a bunch of wisdom throws but tell me what uh or a constitution throws right yes so i think you can get more if you go in the empty spot in the middle there is that what you're saying? Five was the max that I can basically can only go. Got you. Yeah. It's only 10 feet total.

So isn't that each square five feet? And they need a 16. You said earlier. Yeah. So we have one success. Okay. So they take half half damage. Okay. Wait, I'm trying to do the math.

I'm trying to do what Kleep was saying that... Oh yeah, so, yeah, let's see if I can... Oh yeah, I can get... Kleep is correct, Dan. I can get, if I go to this one... It's like the middle of that ship. Then I can get one, two is correct, Dan. I can get... If I go to this one... It's right in the middle of that ship. Then I can get 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, but also

6, 7, 8, right? Yep. I'll roll three more constitution checks if you would like to retcon that. Sorry, I was doing it as we were. It's okay, just breaking all of reality. No, just kidding. Those are three more

fails, only one success out of all eight of them. Okay. Dang. So please roll. What is it, force damage? It is... What did I say? Thunder? Yeah, sonic. Hang on, I'm going to roll. I don't think there's sonic damage,

but that does sound like a good idea. I want to rip the scream. I think the attack is a scream. Oh, that's shatter. I'm shatter. This is shatter. Yeah, so it's 22 points of thunder damage.

Nice. Wow. Okay. Because they don't have eyes, they're like daredevil, and it super hurts. Well, the first two harpies that you saw had already been wounded a bit with your vicious mockery. How would you like to see those two harpies die? Screaming. Okay. I'm screaming.

Okay. These horrible screeches burst forth from these harpies as the sonic intensity causes them to crunch like tin cans and they fall dead to the ground. The other five, they screech too. They screech too. And so I'm going to delete the ground. The other five, they screech too. They screech too. And some of them delete the tokens. Still a whole lot of harpies, some of them injured. A whole lot of

harpies going. Next is, guess who? Harpies! So, I know everyone at home was just so excited for the harpies. So, I know everyone at home was just, like, so excited for the harpies. So, there you go. They're all gonna go this turn together,

right? And they have flying movement right now, which is 40 feet. So, that means... Wait, 40 feet, but they're flying shouldn't it be wings they're all gonna be able to reach the front line

as it were so I'm just get all their movements in they're basically gonna smack into you guys um we're all holding attacks though yeah oh that's right

that's right pardon me while I back my ass up. Uh, if you would be so kind as to forgive, let's go on down to the next held action. Friar Jolly, what are you doing? Ah, fuck these guys! Uh, I'm gonna cast Fireball.

Um, it is a 20-foot radius. They all have to make DC 16 dexterity saving throws. And Dan, I'm centering it, the spot a little behind them, because I want the very edge of the Fireball to hit here and it to extend 20 feet back. So if that's the point... So it goes behind them in case there's some you can't see.

Yeah, so the point is actually... The center point is back here. And it comes forward 20 feet to engulf the remaining 3, 6, eight. And then if there's any more down the way, they'll have to make a saving throw as well.

Great. Okay. So this is, what did you say, wisdom? Dexterity DC 16. So here they come. These harpies have a plus one bonus to their dexterity saving throws. Nice. This is going to be 16 or 17.

I'm so sorry. 16. We're going to get three successes. Great. So they take half of 40 points of damage and the other remaining ones who fail take 40. Dang. Yeah, as a

Friar Jolly will start going like, Where is the power of the silver flame? And he hurls a silver fireball that lands in the middle of them and it just engulfs them in silver. Yeah.

How would you like to see, uh, fryer Jolly one, two, three, four, five harpies die. I want them to fall to the ground like beautiful, uh,

like rotisserie chickens, obviously bigger. Uh, and just, you know, it smells maybe nice somehow maybe all the feathers and stuff have just been completely singed away

yeah great and as they're sort of fried like the colonel's special secret recipe you can see a little farther back in the tunnel there are a few more back there.

Okay. But you've certainly put a dent in them. Boy, oh boy, didja. You guys killed a shitload of harpies. Unfortunately, it seems like there are an insane amount of harpies in this tunnel.

This isn't that bridge in Austin, is it? Those are bats. Up next is Queep. Queep, what would you like to do with your health action? I am going to fire my heavy crossbow. That's a nine. Miss.

Miss? Miss. I'll try it again. Are you raging? Are you berserking? What are you doing? Oh, yeah, I would be raging. Or do you? Okay. I forget.

Raging is. I have frenzy and rage. I think I need to. Yeah. Yeah. You're frenzy. So that means I think you get third action in combat. What is it?

Anyone remember off the top? The barbarian? Hang on. I think it's rage first. And then once you're raged then you can frenzy that sound right i think you rage is a frenzy action you go into frenzy rage uh as you do for the duration you can uh pick a single melee weapon attack as a bonus action right while raging you can choose to frenzy yeah I'm raging right now and in rage right

so you do the rage as your bonus action right now so you're not you're not frenzying yet but you can that'll be that'll be it that'll do so you're frenzying you fired a the board next turn

you'll get an extra bonus cool next is going to be Dr. Uid what would you like to do sir I would like to how far can I see can I

move a little bit so that I can kind of get a better look at where these guys are? You can, but not without putting yourself on the front line. Okay, I'm going to... I'm just going to kind of trust where everybody else is firing. And I'm going to hit that area with an ice storm. Ooh. So, uh... and I'm going to hit that area with an ice storm ooh so uh that is a

an ice storm is a little thing where I hail of rock hard ice pounds to the ground in a 20 foot radius 40 foot high cylinder centered on a point within range each creature in the cylinder must

make a dexterity saving throw or take 2d8 and 4d6 cold damage. So, uh, Hailstorms will turn the storm's area of effect into difficult terrain until the end of the next turn. Got it. So, uh, So, dexterity saving throws?

Yes. So, I'm gonna say Ice Scream, you scream, we all scream for Ice Storm! And what's the saving throw for Dr. Ewood? It is going to be a 15. Alright, that is gonna mean we have two successes.

But you're still not 100%. You're hitting such a wide area with this down to tell me you're not sure 100% you're hitting such a wide area with this down that tell me you're not sure how many you're hitting please yes tell do the damage roll your damage let us all enjoy the massive amount of damage that is

sorry 2d8 6 that's not the best and then 4d6 11 and 8 19 6. That's not the best. And then 46. 11. And 8. 19.

19 total? 19 cold damage. And then the first one was what? A 6? Legending. So 15 hit points total. You hit these guys for. And the first uh two harpies up front how would you like to see them die doctor uh i would like to see them uh uh ice ice ice i wish i didn't have

ice which is ironic because they don't have eyes but they do have too much ice. Yeah. So, Ronnie, you see these guys just, like, the wall goes down, and they absolutely, like, a giant burst of flame, a giant explosive sound, hailstorm. They just, like, annihilate, like, eight of these harpies. What would you like to do now that you can only see there's three of them far down the tunnel maybe more but three far down the tunnel after these guys laid waste what would you like to do ronnie um do i have let me see like you could move farther down and see better

right now you're in the front line but like yeah i'll move i'll move past him. I'll move further down to see better. Great. Go for it. So show me where you would like to go, sir. Like, just straight down? I had so much shit open on my laptop here. Hold on. Okay. So you have, for movement, 45 feet, unless you do something on top of that.

45 means you can go right up to these guys that you see about 35 feet away uh where's my guy so uh ronnie that drown the bottom of the front line um if you like you can move him right up to those three harpies that are at the edge of what you can see at the moment that would you'd like to do yeah okay see my guy oh i'm the drought there we go you're the drought it's gonna take some getting used to this new character i'm sure um please place your token yeah right that'll work so as you go down there i'm gonna reveal on the map uh ronnie you can see this much Reveal on the map. Ronnie, you can see this much.

A thousand heartbeats. Well, feel free to tell me if you'd like to count. But this... I hope he's not going to... It could be worse. It could be heart beeps. But you see... Oh, wow. Okay.

The three in front of me are dead, though, right? Nope. Oh, okay set you just kind of walked over eight corpses and right now you're sort of on a hail strewn battlefield Dr. Ud laid down for you um would you like to try and punch the harpy in front of you to death

or arm blade them as it were arm blade them yes oh I can't wait to see this thing. So, for listeners, would you like to share any details about this arm blade? And I can tell them the mechanics of it? Oh, I haven't really worked it out. Oh, it says, let's see. It's like a short sword.

It's like a short sword Um It's a magic weapon that attaches To my arm becoming Inseparable from me as long as I'm attuned to it To attune to an item you must hold it Against it As a bonus action you can retract the arm blade

Into your forearm or extend it from there While it is extended you can use The weapon as if you were holding it And you can't use that hand for other purposes. Cool. So it's a plus six to hit. Yeah, I'll extend it and then hit him, as opposed to hitting him and then extending it in him.

Great. But I'll swipe at the first guy. Roll to attack. All right. Oh, God, I keep rolling 13s. How lame. Well, that's a hit. Oh, it is? Okay.

That sucks. No, you hit. Oh, that's great. Eight piercing damage. Cool. So there's eight piercing damage. And then let's see, is he going to do anything with his bonus action? No.

Okay. You can do unarmed strike or flurry of blows. Oh, am I? Oh, I thought you were saying he is the guy I'm swiping at. Yeah, I'll do flurry of blows. Cool. So, please go for the roll. 17. Roll your damage.

Cool. 9. Ooh, how would you like to arm blade this harpy to death? Um. Oh, yeah, because I'm doing it with the arm blade, right? Oh, sure are.

But it still counts? It's not an attack? It's unarmed? Even though I'm armed? Well, I mean... Either way, he's dead. We can get into the semantics of the visual if you like, but

Floria blows. After you take the action on your turn, you can spend one point. Here's what I'd like to do then. It's two one-arm strikes, basically. So I swipe at him the one time where I got the six or whatever. But for this, I retract the blade, and I just blast him in the face twice. The second time I hit him, I extend the blade

so it goes through his head. Sweet. And, yeah, as you all see the harpy fall and the harpy brain splatter across the cavern ahead of you, you notice. And I say to the guy as he drops, I go, snicked. All women. True. She's more of an X-23 kind of situation. But yeah, you all notice as this harpy

gets snicked to death that there's at least 10 more harpies coming towards you that's no problem bring it let's get them guys all right Avengers assemble what do you think happened Sam

on episode right we're still in the cave battling some harpies which i'm not sure what that is and i'm gonna google it the firewall is working very well at keeping them out much like how stitcher premium keeps you all away from our old episodes wow solid dr uid saved ronnie from an attack and thank god because what is a team without a leader? Fire Jolly was courageously codependent. We found some hallway doors and we found a little box. One of the doors is full of scratching.

One is some lock picking stuff and some gloves. We dropped the firewall and immediately took out some harpies. Fire Jolly did a cool fireball thing. And Dr. Uid did a cool ice thing. And then Ronnie did a cool arm blade thing. And I did Google harpies and they are half bird. And the other half the body is just a human body well hold on dnd question for you so it's just a regular lady vagina popping eggs out or what's the what are we doing oh my god well do you want me to know or not yeah no keep running sam keep running he did not invent harpies i know that monster of classical myth thousands of years

ancient ancient greece these particular harpies have large white rings where their eyes should be like a barn owl a vaguely human mouth with fangs coming out of it vaguely human arms with claws at the ends of them and giant white wings coming out of their back. Have you ever heard someone called a harpy before? I have, but I thought they were saying Hardee's. Yeah. Which is delicious. I wish you were being attacked

by hot ham and cheese. There are no harpies. Dan, you got anything to plug? Oh, I sure do, Brian. Hey, my Chicago tickets are going to go on sale soon. Please, if you'd be so kind, reserve the weekend of October 21st and 22nd. If you're in Chicago or near Chicago, I'm going to have some fun trying to talk a couple of my old friends who might otherwise be unavailable to come and do some spots on the show. who might otherwise be unavailable to come and do some spots on the show. So please keep an eye on your links on social medias

for those tickets to be available in advance. That is what I have to say, Brian. Cool. BrianPastine.com for my tour dates. I've got A New Place I've Never Played in Austin, Texas coming up next, but that's not until the middle of August. And then I've got San Francisco coming up in September. Stoked to be back at Cobb's.

Maybe I'll see you at a Giants game. Go Giants. Oh, also, books, you know, image comics. I just did a signing, which was great for a secret history of, uh, the war on weed. And we're working on part two of that, a Holly Halloween issue.

And then we're going to do a Christmas issue with, uh, our new, um, our new hero, Scott's McTiernan. And, he's in all those books.

It's really been so much fucking fun it's like the silliest comic i'm working on at this time the other stuff is uh it's not that it's serious but this one's like kind of the loosest and the most fun uh and then my other ones are coming together and i'll have more news on them soon cheers uh blaine's going to happen next week? We attribute the success To save mankind Thanks for joining us on this episode You got walls and a roof

On the next Nerd Poker Ken says What has Four legs in the morning Two legs in the afternoon And two legs in the afternoon, and three legs at night? Chris says, I don't know what. Ken says, I was asking you. Brian says, shut up, I'm trying to sleep.

All this and George Hamilton's pillowcase cleaning tips on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.