Nerd Poker - S5E50 Chode Chopper

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

Yes, this is a reference to what Blaine is doing to the demon Orcus. The final battle appears to be turning in the favor of Ronnie's Raiders! Hopefully this is a very chill and not at all passive-aggressive dungeon master we're dealing with, and this will end better than Season 3. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five.

Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. It's episode 50. Holy shit. We did it. It's so good. And might be one of the last ones, because we've got some shit going on but we'll talk about that in a minute all my friends are here every single one of them uh dan what's

going on with you what are you holding up the fan the ceiling fan uh no i'm dangling a cat toy in front of my cat um he seems to not be totally committed to it. Oh, okay. Blaine's here. Oh, hey. I'm dangling a cat toy over an effigy of Dan. Whoa. He's not going for it, though.

Effigy. Oh, here he comes. Sarah. How are you? I'm alright. How are you? Doing some dangling. The effigy. Oh, here he comes. Sarah. Yes. How are you? I'm all right. How are you? Good.

Doing some dangling. I'm dangle-free over here in my house. Ken. Happy 50th. We did it. What is this, golden anniversary? Sure. Wop, wop, wop.

Woo. Oh. Chris is here. Happy 50th, Brian. Got you a watch. Oh, nice. Yeah. Thank you.

You didn't have to. Well, it's from the group. I appreciate it. Sam's here. Hello, sweet children. How are you, man? Good. Good.

Ramen was here a second ago, and now I don't. there he is yeah he's sleeping buddy oh yeah look at him uh we should fucking just roll into it right more for the listener yeah here we go oh i got some toast coming in. Coming in hot. Thanks, Melody. Hot points. Thanks, Melody. You continue to be the best. Let's thank some people.

Sure. Hey, Patreon supporters. I see you. I hear you. I feel you. And I especially appreciate the folks at our top two tiers over there on Patreon. I would like to thank, first of all, Kweeplash.

Thank you, Kweeplash. Kweeplash! Oh, yeah, there we go. There it is. Patreon supporters know that one. Thank you, Big Fan Nice Guy. Thank you, Shootin' Runner. Thank you, Professor Physics.

Thank you, Rando Cardrician. Thank you, Sean Meredith. Thank you, Yukon Corniglia. And finally, thank you, Kaylee My stupid real name started this Mess McFail Blaine, who were those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us By Liquid Scissors From the makers of Liquid Paper

Liquid Scissors, not for use with Liquid Rock And the Toyotathonathonathon Savings on select Toyotathonathonathons But hurry When Toyotathonathonathonathon is over It's back to regular Toy Fonofonofon. Dan? Thank you, Blaine. Well,

I think it's time to talk about... What happened last time on Nerd Poker? Yeah, I like to make you think I was frozen, but I wasn't. I was just trying to make everyone nervous and unsettled. It was like the finale of The Soprano was there for a second, Dan. You had us all prone.

It was. Last time, our heroes were putting some of their combat focus on killing Orcus, which does not seem to be necessarily going quickly, much as killing Valix is not going quickly. Both of them are extremely evil pieces of shit. We now take you to the combat which has been going on for a couple episodes.

Alright, so I am, if anyone wants to just talk about Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, I'm reloading our combat order from last time because we did bonus episodes of the Roll20 combat order change though Was awesome I

Love I didn't see Indiana Jones, but I I did see California sober. We'll be right back. Oh I didn't know that was a movie. I've been wanting it to be a movie my whole life. Oh, man, there's no parking. I thought the only weird part was the fact that the first third of the movie, Harrison Ford, was CGI. Other than that, great. No notes. Yeah, there was a little weirdness in the eyes here and there. Sometimes it didn't enunciate his consonants.

And I was like, okay, I guess. He had his regular old voice. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead. Did he do any of his bad running and then stopped jump jumps? His bad Harrison Ford jumps? Yeah, where he loses all his momentum. Yeah, he runs really fast towards something

and then he stops and then he does a double foot takeoff. That's how he almost died in Blade Runner, you know, was that bad takeoff. Yeah, it's not like you die in every video game where you got to jump from one platform to another. You go, hit the sprint button, hit the sprint button, stop,

think about it, and then jump. We had a guy on MADtv Mad TV actor named Andrew Bowen who was in the cast. And the reason he was hired was he did an impression of Harrison Ford running, and it was good enough to get him hired on a network television. That's all my them. It was pretty funny. Anyway, that was about it. Yeah, it reminded me a little bit of in Captain Marvel

when they would show young Nick Fury's hands and you would see elderly Samuel L. Jackson's knotted and wrinkled knuckles. Like, oh yeah, good thing they didn't get another person to do the hands. That's definitely authentic hands. Definitely not unsettling to look at. Totally normal.

Have any of you guys seen Secret Invasion, by the way? No, no. I want to watch it, though. Is it good? I mean, it's fine. It's a lot of drama, not a lot of action. It looks like this show right now. Let's do it, guys. Yeah, right. Yeah, we should we should figure out which one of us in the group is a spy. like this show right now let's do it guys oh christ

yeah we should figure out which one of us in the group is a spy well that's easy enough to figure out that's Blaine, Blaine's been a vampire the whole season what no I'm just a thing I'm not a spy I'm a thing oh the thing you say

that's a callback by the way okay well I think I've got us all set up. And I want to say that we left off mid-combat order and that Friar Jolly is up next. Does that sound accurate to all present? Sure. Blaine was the last person to... Oh my gosh, someone took notes.

Blaine was last, so that means... You didn't like it because Valix was attacking... No, Orcus was attacking Valix, and then you didn't want to end on that. So then you were like, let's give Blaine, I think, one more thing to do. Does that sound right to everybody else? That sounds right.

That's how I remember it. Yes, I remember doing something. Okay. So, Blaine, I messed up in the combat comment order so that would mean fire jolly is next okay so you're saying orcus is uh wailing on valix you say nope um i don't know what i said this did i say that or maybe sarah mentioned that that's what i said because that's what i remembered but i guess i was wrong no i don't i don't think they were fighting um were they that's not in my notes that's fun i did a really good impression of him oh that's right that's right yes yes god it's been too long since

we've played the main campaign it's been like a month of like people needing breaks and recording bonus episodes. So yeah, I think that makes absolute sense. But maybe I misunderstood what was going on. That's what I understood. Well, here's what I have in my notes, that you fooled him with a deception check, but that he's not like hit Valix, but I know I've got the hit points correct because I tracked the hit points within roll 20, not

via my shorthand chicken scratch. So that should be a valid note that I am going to take because he may as well have, I mean, narratively. So I will just I will just agree

and we will continue. Are there still any bodies on any of these sort of altar spots uh no but go ahead and do a freebie insight check Friar Jolly regarding this while

we'll say you and Friar Jolly are pondering the thought alright my insight check is a 10. I rolled a 1, but I have a 9 bonus, Dan. They're definitely all gone, and there's definitely something significant about the bodies in general outside of just the fact that they were on the slabs. So

no bodies on slabs, but bodies still obviously in the room. They're all crumpled on the floor, the exception of one that got disintegrated to, it looks like, give Alex some of his hit points back. Right. Life force thing? Well, in the hopes that they go at each other,

I don't want to interfere with that. That sounds sexy. And again, we can just assume they've already been going at it, like hard. You know what I mean? Like, just like really. All right. Then I'm going to movement wise. I'm going to fall back to the next table, sort of counterclockwise to the north up where Ronnie and is that is that Hashinka up there?

Yes. OK, so, yeah, I'm going to fall back to where they are with my movement. And for my action, I'm going to hold an attack against. Let's say I'm going to hold an attack against Valix. If Valix attacks anybody other than Orcus. OK, how about that? attacks anybody other than Orcus. Okay. How about that? Sounds good.

Aha! The silver flame burns in the shadows ready to cook an evildoer. And that, I think, will take us next to Fizzbort, who, again, many episodes ago, I realized what his name was after forgetting his name because he was not spoken to for a while. He's been Fizzbort for most episodes,

but I still found what his original name was. And I will will if any listener um what's a good way for a listener to get if a listener messages me on instagram what his real first name was when he first introduced himself i will give you a little treat so uh his board So Fizbort, I think, sees what you're doing, Friar Jolly, ponders the fact that he is the only person who is within striking range of the two bad guys, and he has died twice during this fight. So he is going to blink back all the way to this table.

And by blink, I mean he's going to, you know, visibly disappear for a second in a little flicker of blue magic and reappear behind that table. He's got one hit point and he has already healed himself with a potion. And he is fresh out, so he's just ducking back there for now. And then we're going to go to Winifred Wintergem of the Waterdeep Wintergems. So Gus has been stabilized, right? I did. Then I am going to... Is there a body ready?

I know the bodies are on. I had pulled them all off the floor, right? But we're not at our regular hit points, right? I'm still way down. No, you got some of your hit points back. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was only like six.

I was trying to get Gus to not die. It was basically so I can go ahead and then cast mass healing word at level five. No, wait, level three. And yeah, which okay, that's going to...

Up to six creatures of my choice that I can see within range, and the range is 60 feet. Okay. So that should be... Most of the people in my party, right? I think so. Yeah. All right, let's see. Rolling for hit points, going very slow. Okay, so 14 hit points back for, again, roll 20s. So for Gus, Hoshinka, these guys here,

that's Ken, Blaine, and whoever that is. I'm over here. Does that matter? Let me see how far you are. Gus is already at his full 25 hit points. But Fizzord is especially grateful and Ashinka appreciates it okay you're 65 feet away so I feel like I would have

stepped 5 feet closer you know what I mean to make sure that that creep was included in my range thank you 14 you say yes thank you I'm just gonna move right here to signify that Thank you. 14, you say? Yes. Thank you.

I'm just going to move right here to signify that. Thanks so much. I feel like I'm going to live forever. And that's, I believe, all I can do on this turn. Okay. Then that'll take us around the bend of Kweeper. So we're letting them fight it out at this point, yeah? Yeah, you're going to just go home, I think. Well, we haven't gotten clarity on whether they are or aren't.

We'll see. Then I will also hold my action. Let me get a little bit of cover. Okay. Lovely. Pardon the pause in my thought up next is going to be Gus. Uh, Gus will also hold his action. Um, but he's going to fly up. He was flattened and has been healed a couple of times by Winifred,

and he's going to go up near the ceiling. There's like a, what do you call it? Not a relief, but like an edge, like an outcropping that he's going to sort of perch on and peer down on to see if he can be of use looking at the action but try to get himself a little bit out of it because he has made some valiant attempts to be a part of melee combat that have uh ended poorly ronnie it is your turn all right um let me see It is your turn. All right.

Um, let me see. Arm blade. Ooh. You can arm blade. You can leave your friends behind. As your friends don't blade, and if they don't blade, well, they're... No arms of mine? Ah! With 16 a hit?

Which fella you hittin'? Because you are currently, token-wise, not within melee striking distance of either of the big feds. Well, am I close enough to get in there? Yeah, you could get to Valix or you could get to orcus um unless one of your party members would like to share the game plan that they were uh talking about that might because they don't they might be fighting each other oh okay trying to let them fight each other i mean okay cool i wish that we can we can we take maybe if we took two seconds because i remembered that

maybe if we took two seconds because i remembered that like valix actually took damage already from orcus but if i'm remembering that wrong then i feel like we're making a lot of plans based on something that may or may not have happened no no no let me back up he may as well have it is a mathematical uncertainty but it is a narrative certainty. So it's a narrative certainty that somebody has swung, that they are actually engaged in some type of... They may as well have. I just didn't have... I was confused. I'm letting the listener know the reason I said I didn't think he'd hit him yet is because I hadn't made a note

that he'd hit him yet. But all attacks have been accounted for because I know listeners will also be like, whoa, I guess Dan didn't keep track of the hit points if he doesn't remember. Narratively, we're to assume that they are engaged in some type of existential. Yes, please do. Let there be no ambiguity.

Okay. It's a real Two-Face Riddler scenario. All right, well, I'll stay out of it. Okay. That Riddler really is a Two-Face. Yep. I think he's your friend, but he's not. Sponge Riddles.

Bunsies. but he's not. Sponge Riddles. Bunsies. And Hoshinka is going to dig in her pouch and heal herself with a little bundle she has, and that will take her up

to full hit points. She's had enough of that being killed shit. The NPCs have taken real beating in this fight. Poor guys. Gals. I'm impressed that you've kept them alive given the fact that you took three into a boss fight. I did my best to

not only kill you, but them also. That'll bring us to Orcus. So, to demonstrate my promise, Orcus is going to lift up his giant undeath beating wand and start smashing Valix with it. Check. Arise, sirloin of beef, the roses of the liver. I forget what the other ones were. Bugs Bunny just hit the dude repeatedly.

First one's a 23 to hit, which is a hit. His wand as a melee weapon, by the way, plus 19 to hit. Orcus, plus 19 to hit melee. So he doesn't really have to be that good. No, he's kind of an amateur, but luckily he is an archdemon. Like son of mask? What a weird reference.

Okay, so... With this first strike, he hits Valak's right between the shoulder and the neck. And Valak's has been hovering or flying the entire combat. And right now he's about five feet off the ground and just gets smashed to the ground. And he doesn't crumple. He starts to lift himself up. But then Orcus starts smashing him again.

Oh. A 38 to hit. Arbor class four. Is that a hit? Look it up. I'm using the average damage on this which is just brutal in and of itself what's his feiko

why don't I calculate that why don't you just keep us busy for about half an hour Blaine while I calculate that feiko okay well it's time to answer a little listener mail here. Oh, here's a question. I'm glad I pimped you.

A anonymous who would like to know how many bottles of beer we have on the wall over here. Well, let me see. 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Let me take one of these down, make sure it's beer. Ah, now there's 98 bottles of beer on the wall. I better make sure this was beer, too. Oh, now there's 98 bottles of beer on the wall. I better make sure this was beer too. Oh god. This isn't a very

effective bit. The second wand beating slams down on the back of Valak's neck and flattens him pretty thoroughly. Orcus then picks Valak's up by the shoulders uh kind of ragdoll like

and orcus's tail whips over his head and tries to impale um valix which is going to be an automatic success. The tail goes through Valix and Valix's bones fly out of his robe and there is a rush of green magic that explodes out of the back of his robe. He is effectively out of combat and dead as far as you can tell. Wow. Might be a good time for me to cast Raise Dead.

Right, everybody? What could possibly go wrong? Up next is going to be Dr. Uwud. This all happened right in front of you, Dr. Uwud. We're talking like inches from you. Okay. Well, I was, I remember I was an earth elemental. That's right.

And that I and that I had gone back down into the floor so I'm gonna come back up out of the floor and I'm going to punch Orcus in his balls again yes you have been having some serious fun with demon nut punches

the speed bag stuff so I'm gonna do that you gonna speed bag him? I'm just gonna speed bag stuff. So I'm going to do that. I'm going to... You're going to speed bag him? I'm just going to speed bag the... The rat-a-tat, the old rat-a-tat and the nard. Now, you said that, was it Valix or Orcus who had multiple balls? Because I definitely remember that his balls burst

and filled the room with the redolent scent of wet nuts is what we heard. I know, I'm trying to remember all the different... So scent of wet nuts is what we heard. I know, I'm trying to remember all the different, so first of all, Orcus has like a- And then Blaine said it smelled like a Baskin Robbins, which was very funny. I wrote down Cadbury Nut Wets

for an ad that I'll do later, but- Nice. I just want to be clear about how many nuts, how many balls have actually exploded and how many are still there? So many balls. There's I have in my notes that there have been nut attacks against successfully not successful nut attacks against both Alex and Orcus.

Also, Alex had the one that where the weapon came out like a rope of yarn, some flesh was attached to it. And Orcus, I said, had two rows of nuts on his undercarriage like cockroach eggs. Who know? Othica. So I would say you're just you're continuing to pop them like bubble wrap. Dr. Wood.

Okay. Okay. Roll to it. Roll to attack. So the nine plus eight, 17. Okay. Roll to attack. Nine plus eight, 17. 17 and a 15. Do either of those connect with his weird row of cockroaches? 17 and a 15, you say? 17 and a 15, yes. 17 hits.

Okay. That is... 2d8 plus 5. All right, that's a hit. 9 plus 5, 14. And then I'm going to disappear down into the safety of the ground again. Sweet. As much as I can.

Okay. I read that the devil himself is actually supposed to have simultaneously no asshole and every asshole in the universe that's what I heard that's weird did you read that what I heard when I was like when I was younger that like the devil has no asshole because he just maintains all his own filth but he also has every asshole in the universe so that he can spread filth

i don't know how much of it is true i haven't really i mean well the devil is technically down in georgia where you know they're known for their peaches so he's probably just got like a smooth peach-like ass with no you know orifice i think you're mistaken because peaches come from a can millions of peaches oh they were put there actually by a man, not the devil. Yeah, in a factory. She's downtown. She's lump. Downtown in the dildo district. Yeah.

That'll do it for your turn, Dr. Wood. New peaches. For free, actually. So at the end of your turn, Orcus is going to use one of his legendary actions and lift a hand up and create a vertical pillar of necrotic energy that will explode up from the floor near this table that Hoshinka, Ronnie, and Friar Jolly are at. And let's see, can he? I dare you. He is then going to take you up on your.

Wait, hang on. No, he's not going to take it up yet. He can only use one legendary action at a time. Chris Tallman readily noted, as I noted it, he was ready for me to say it. Catch myself. Please continue to the next person in the turn order who would be Friar Jolly.

You're in a pillar of black energy. There's a pillar of black energy? There's a pillar of black energy? May I step out of said pillar? You can try. Yeah, I'll step away from... Well, let's see. Can I use my full movement to get as far as possible away from that energy? Yes.

Okay, so I would go... What do I want to try and do with this guy? All right. Okay, so I'm going to move out of that pillar. Let's say to maybe a little bit closer up towards my friend, Queep. And then I'm going to grab, I guess, place my one hand on my holy symbol, which is like, you know, embossed into my armor. On the other hand, I'm going to hold out towards Orcus, and I will try and I'll call upon, I'm going to channel divinity

specifically Radiance of the Dawn. Okay. So I call forth the power of the Silver Flame! Now, normally So I call forth the power of the silver flame. Now, normally it's used to dispel magical darkness within 30 feet. I don't think we have any of that. Although that necrotic thing, if that's magical darkness in any way, it would be dispelled. That's a great question. It is technically creeping death.

Oh, probably not. It is necrotic energy. That sounds bad. But it is not darkness. Okay. Additionally, each hostile creature within 30 feet, I believe that's our friend Orcus, and Valix too, if he's able to participate,

he has to make a constitution saving throw DC 17. Fine. Or take a bunch of radiant damage. So this is a con save for Orcus. It's an 18. Dan, what if it was a 16 though? Nope. Check the chat.

That was a viewable dice roll for your own benefit. Well, then there's some beautiful cosmetic silver flames around the room. And I'm like, well, fuck me, I guess. All right. Nice. Anything else for you, sir? That's all I can do. Right.

Fizzbord is going to move a little bit more so he is in range and he is going to lift his staff. A large sword appears over Fizz Bort, a spectral sword that then fires off directly at Orcus. Get him. Sick him, sick him.

Go get him, get that Orcus. And that is a botch. Ooh. So Fizzbort has had the worst luck this fight like we're talking just garbage that's good I think he's botched several times in addition to dying twice

poor Fizzbord ah 41 so it's gonna trip and get knocked prone as this misses he is now going to have to use half his movement to get up next time. Poor fella. Winifred, you're up.

Okay. I am going to hold my action as well until I see what's happening with I am going to hold my action as well until I see what's happening with the big bad. I'm going to give everybody an insight check at the end of this turn. Yeah. Because you know what? That we had a season end one time where I didn't give everybody

an obligatory insight check. And boy oh boy did I hear about that one. Anything else, Sarah? Not as much as we heard about it. We are the ones who blew it. Yeah, this is for me. I got nothing.

I hold it all. And await. Okay. Queep, you're up. Holding. Excellent. And Gus is also going to hold. Everybody except for Blaine, because honestly, this is about something that happened while Blaine has been either underground or under loincloth.

So he has not had an ey line on this insight check from everybody else under a blood red loincloth. 15 20. Okay. Ooh, a 20. You'll do it. 24. Hot damn.

So, oh, will do it. 24. What a hot damn insight. Oh, insight. Gotcha. The 20 and the 24 definitely going to reveal some shit. Oh, we got Ronnie to Ronnie got a 20 also the leader. Queep, this fight is going great. You're having a great time. Yeah, pretty good about everything that's happening.

Haha. We Ronnie and Fire Kweep, this fight is going great. You're having a great time. I feel pretty good about everything that's happening. Ha ha, wee! Ronnie and Friar Jolly both notice that after Valix got evaporated, the crown that he was wearing on his head held in place. And it is now dripping with some sort of particles made of like this dark energy. It is floating about 12 feet off the ground. You win it. So no longer on Valix.

Right. The rest of Valix and his bones, his robe, you know, all flew backwards. But his crown didn't move after he was killed Winifred you look back in your memories of just being up there in Clottenheim the stories of the Ice Five that you have heard

in their adventures climbing the mountain where they met a horrible choice that they made an interesting decision on and you remember oh this is not unlike a certain mantle that my heroes had quested for and allowed. This must be what fell into his hands, some sort of mantle.

Now, this is just sort of, I guess, a metagaming question, but are we trying to destroy the mantle? Is our goal here, do we feel that are we trying to destroy them? And do we is our goal here? Do we feel that we're trying to destroy it? Or this is the Tenebris, the mantle, this never one. Yeah, or whatever. So like, do we is that what we are trying to do? Do we think we're going to do it?

I know we were going to destroy. Valix was the plan. But what about the yeah, is the is the crown part of this? Can we actually get rid of it do we know you got well i will throw in because you're you rolled a 24 on that insight check yeah you know orcas used to have it it seems like orcas was on friendly terms with valix until a moment ago so orcas was probably on some level helping valix harness the power of the mantle. And now that it is a few feet from Orcus's face, it's probably of mild interest to him.

So he's going to, right. He's going to take it back. I guess I'm curious. I mean, I guess what I'm getting is that you think I should put it on. That's a question for the rest of you, not me. Okay. No, but it more is, no, but genuinely,

like, can we, do we have a, do we believe that we have the power to destroy it, or is it just about trying to keep it out of the hands of Orcus? As a group, like, do we think that that's even- Do we know the nature of- I'm gonna refill my coffee. I'll be five feet away.

Wait, are we allowed to discuss this? Yeah. Okay, I feel like this is sort of like backstory. I feel like your characters would have had a little bit of this discussion. Right. What are we doing? All of us may have been getting McDonald's or coffee. Right.

The players never talk about anything, what our plan is. But yeah. So what are we? Are we trying to destroy this thing? Kill Valak, right? Use it to destroy it. Valix is dead, or Valix at least is out of the picture now. Looks like we won.

So then Orcus is going to put this thing back on. I guess that fairy that was flying the boat has to worry about that one. Are we, oh really? Okay, so we're not trying to like, we don't care if Orcus then just puts it on and then. I love Friar Jollywood, just bail. This feels like we have the opportunity to... We could attack the crown. Can I do, like, an arcana check or something,

or a history check to see, Dan, to see if I have a... In all of my research for my many, many roles, I've played all the classics. I just feel like at this point I would know, is the mantle of the Tenebrous One something that necessarily must exist for balance of good and evil in the world, say?

Or is it something that I could hit with a baseball bat and just destroy forever and save humanity and the statue would be made of me? You all held your actions like delightful little players. I will allow additional ability checks made of me. You all held your actions like like delightful little players. I will allow additional ability checks to try to have this discussion. Yes, I will allow you can make a choice. Arcana or history, Sarah?

And OK, I rolled history. I got a natural 20 plus seven. Hey, yeah, I'm telling you guys we won let's just go home okay um you go back through all of the books that you have read and there have been uh scant references to the mantle that's nebris one but you have read outside of your usual studies about this historically historically relevant artifact that has been in the mountain and it would lead you to believe this thing is only tried on by a new bearer once every few centuries um and so there's that also orcus has been not at full power this full fight he has clearly not been this like arch demon level that like you've been able to hit him in say the the the nard rose

more than you might normally he would get more powerful if he took it and you could potentially wear it but it is probably very no i don't want to wear it i don't want to wear it i'm yeah i'm letting you know like hypothetically speaking yes hypothetically speaking when you definitely do this um if you were to put the mantle on just literally it would require a saving throw of some kind. It would not be as simple as just attuning to it. It would be so powerful that certain beings would not be able to handle it without either going insane or being killed.

I think, yeah. My central question as I'm acting, by the way, they all see Winifred doing like a series of, as she's going through her previous monologues, her stage, you see her pacing she's doing she's lifting her arms up to the air wrapping herself in a cloak she's speaking aloud to herself as she's going all of this it would not it would not be easy nice it would not be easy to destroy it is not it is made up of more than a physical substance it would require either

a very special uh magic ritual or creative use of magic. Got it. Everyone understands what I now understand due to the incredible power of my pantomime. So that's just part of my skill set. You're welcome. Again, I'm allowing this metagame for the previously stated purposes. So what do we understand?

It would be very hard to destroy. Orcus is not at full power, but we shouldn't let him put it on. This is what I'm understanding. So we need to get it out of range of him. And then I guess we can figure out and don't put it on yourself because it will kill you.

Can we even touch it? That? We don't know. That is not something any of you would be able to just know offhand, but. Got it. Probably. I bet not.

Use your own critical thinking skills. Got it. Gus, grab that crown while we fight the monster. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Can Gus grab it, though? No, no one should touch it.

Do we talk about what would happen if what? If we destroyed it? If we just cracked it? I think it would be good if we tried, but he said it would be really hard. Like, it was very difficult. I feel like in order to destroy it, we're going to have to figure out how to do that, as opposed to, like, we can't just, like, attack the crown and kill it, I don't think. Maybe it could just exist in this room forever, and one of us stays behind as a guardian.

Right, like, let's get it away from Orcus and then figure out how to destroy it if we can. So like an earth elemental just kind of like clapping it applause style and smashing it like that would be bad. Right. Probably because you'd have to touch it. I'm going to try to knock it away.

Yeah, we got to like get it out of Orcus's range. Yeah, exactly. Let's like air hockey it across this room. Ready to go. All right. I'm going to cast Yoink at 8th level.

Yeet. Well, the first I'm going to say that is the metagaming I'll allow. We'll say while you were holding your action you were remembering

a conversation of this depth earlier and being reminded of it via the expert pantomime. Thank you. And you'll come round to the top of the turn order again. Ronnie, it is your turn. But me. Huh?

You didn't. You went. I thought you held your action. I held my action last time. I'm after. Okay. Well, then it's all you, Creep. No, you're right.

You're right. Okay, well then, it's all you, Creep. No, you're right, you're right. I would like to attack the crown in an effort to glancing blow it across the room. Nice. Okay. So, let's see. I got my blade of Kukla. And that's a 12.

Oh, that'll be a miss although what's the does the crown have all right have a armor class is that what you're asking yeah well here i'm first of all how if you said it was low then it's low are you doing the you're doing the range boomerang attack right yeah um yeah the first thing it i'm gonna say the way this resolves is it kind of gets glanced away by some sort of force energy so it does get hit the way i interpret i'm, I didn't mean to sound so pretentious nerd with that sigh. The way I interpret armor class is if you don't hit it, it's not literal like you break through the armor or not. It's like if you don't hit it, there can be a sort of natural slide to the side, not quite dodged. It could be that you're glancing off of it.

It could be that you're hitting it and it doesn't get through. It could be all kinds of things. And in this particular, it's saying it's almost like there's a force field around it. And before it makes physical contact, it gets kind of like slightly redirected. It's still flying forward away from you, your axe. But it was like getting close to hitting it.

And then I'm just interpretation of the AC. Like two magnets of opposite poles. you your axe. Yeah. But it was like getting close to hitting it and then I'm just interpretation of the AC just like two magnets of opposite poles. Yes. Yeah.

Or same poles. I mean, yes. Can I unfreeze my action or does that how that how does that work? Um, I'm going to say the the reason

I you used your action to pantomime. Jazz hands,. Jazz hands. Angry jazz hands. Well, what did you say you were holding your action for? I said until I see what happens with the big guy or something similar. So that was my... Okay, I'll give it to you.

I'll give it to you. Okay, cool. I'm going to cast Levitate on the crown. Ooh. Let me back up two things. Ken's axe gets to try to hit it one more time. Oh, cool. As it flies back.

And also, it is currently levitating 12 feet off the ground. I know. That ceiling's really high, though, right? It is high, so you're trying to push it up higher? Yeah, 20 feet up. Let's give Ken one more... You know what? Yeah yeah let me try and attack it again even though it's probably gonna bounce off but let's see what happens yeah you don't have to but you let me know now that's

a 19. that's a hit what do you know so do i do damage though well tell me your damage yes roll it Well, tell me your damage. Yes, roll it. Okay. Yeah, as your axe hits back, there is like a crack. The axe flies back in your hand, but you see parts of the crown have been shattered off. There is still this black, smoky aura around the entire crown with particles dripping off of it,

and some of the physical crown still stands there hovers there winifred are you going to try to push it higher into the sky yes man using levitate so let me get an arcana check on this one actually hmm but it can be let me think let me think. Let me think. Well, a couple of things doing damage. If it's a physical object, it's a little different than if you're just, you know, hitting a person. But if you hit a door, it has AC and hit points. And then like, um, I'm trying to think of spell wise.

Yeah. Arcana check. Arcana. Okay. I just rolled it and then I lost it, but... I should have it in the log, right? Yeah, 11. It was an 11. You try to push it up, but you feel this dull ache in your head

as you're unable to move it from its current fixed position. Hmm. So it's not a loose subject, I guess. Well, or you, yeah, it's anchored in some way that might be doable had you rolled higher. Okay.

But you're fighting against an inherent magic that keeps it fixed in place. Resigned jazz hands. It was some kind of jazz hands, no matter what. And Gus, yes, held his action. I apologize. Queep, are you going to move at all?

You can do a little soft shoe or you can go somewhere else. Yeah, I'll just take a little cover here. Okay. That was beautiful. Lovely. That'll bring us up to the top. Ronnie. Uh,

can I help keep that thing away from us with my arm blood? Can I, uh, do a little glancing blow? You could definitely try some things. So it's about 12 feet off the ground, right? So imagine this level of my cat tree

is how high up the crown is floating, right? This is the table you're next to that there used to be a corpse on, and you're down here. So if you want, you could be like jump, grab. Jump, chop, grab, but I don't want to get it away, right?

You can attack it with your damage or push it away somehow without touching it. But somehow without touching it. But I don't want to damage the crown, do I? Or do I? Well, Kweep just tried to. Okay.

I knocked some shit off it. Alright. I'll hit it with the arm blade. Okay. But am I trying to get it to go higher too? Just away. Okay. But am I trying to get it to go higher too? Just away. Okay. It's currently right in front of Orcus.

I think the idea is you're trying to at least get it out of his reach. Like at some point it will be a little bit comical that we all are just trying to bat this thing away from Orcus and he's just standing there and can just presumably reach out. How dare we be a little bit comical. Yeah. But yeah, I'll beat it away from him. Okay. And he's just standing there and can just presumably reach out. How dare we be a little bit comical. Yeah, but. Yeah, I'll beat it away from him. Okay.

Beat it off him. I get it. And I like it. Oh, nice. 22. Acacia Avenue. You definitely hit it. And so the point is not to damage it.

It's to knock it away for you. Yeah. Yar. All right. it um and so the point is not to damage it it's to knock it away for you yeah yeah all right so i'm gonna say that was high enough you managed to scoot it not super far but um when you hit it with your arm blood um you hit it with the flat of it you hit it with your arm blood. You hit it with the flap of it, and you managed to knock it about five feet away. And so I'm going to put token on there.

What can I do? I don't have like a crown token. I should really have one I'll represent it with this golden owl. And next episode, I will have a proper, uh, crown token. Ask it about the Tootsie Pops. You hit it. Ask it.

I'm gonna put you, Brian, like right, right where the crown is now. So you're about five feet away from Orcus now. And you get it like that far away. So right now, Ronnie is five feet away from Orcus. Ronnie is five feet away from the crown. And the crown is 15 feet away from Orcus. Copy? Got it.

All right. And again, I will make a more accurate visual representation of the crown in a second. And for now, I'm using the treasure from a previous bonus episode. Okay. Orcus definitely is looking at it as you knock it away, Ronnie. You have his full attention with that one.

Good. So he's not going to see me come up out of the ground and punch him in the nuts again, is he? I mean, he's kind of looking forward to it at this point. Yeah, you're not out here to hunt, are you? Is that probably the only one that knows that joke? Yes, I think so. What is it?

Okay, it's the guy that goes out hunting and he sees a bear. He takes a shot and he misses and the bear sees him and the bear comes over and fucks him up the ass because that's what bears do in a joke. He gets upset and he goes out the next day, I gotta get that bear. He shoots again, misses, bear I got to get that bear. He shoots again, misses bear. Fucks him up the ass. The third day he goes out there.

I'm going to kill that bear. Shoots out and misses. Bear comes over and goes, you're not out here to hunt, are you? See, he liked it. That's the joke. He's a guy who loved getting cuckolded by a grizzly. Who doesn't, really?

All right. Did you see the grizzly bear come out of that trap and just rush at the camera? I saw a clip of a grizzly in an enclosure and they were setting it free. And it just comes out and they start lifting the gate and it crawls out from under the gate and comes at the camera with its mouth open. It's terrible.

Oh, no. Jesus. Yeah. You know what? I'm seeing more and more of videos of bears on the east side of Los Angeles, like out in the San Gabriel Valley, just going into people's backyard pools. Yeah. We're the new Canada.

Not a great time to live in Altadena. All those rich folks in Altadena getting a lot of bears. Yeah. The coyotes are complaining, too. Altadena is not. Yeah. Altadena you know all those rich folks in altadena getting a lot of bears yeah the coyotes are all tadina is not yeah altadena is not what rich bear country oh right there's a lot of them in west hollywood too i'm honestly i don't think i've seen it can you i i see what you did there uh but i think that's mostly happening like way out in like arcadia duarte not not all tadina if you're afraid sarah i don't mean to make you afraid.

No, no. There's a bear behind you. You want to know where the richy-rich neighborhoods are. It's sort of like... Altadena's pretty richy-rich. No, no. No? All that...

Altadena? It's called me dog. I feel like La Cunada definitely... This is where I want the Bears. You know what? Everything is a rich area now. Let's talk about the richest areas of Los Angeles. La Cunada is fun.

Whenever I'm looking for an apartment, I'll just be like, I wonder how much a one bedroom costs. And oh, in La Cunada, it is $7,000 for a studio. That's very interesting. All right. Great schools though. Oh, fantastic. Because they're rich.

Because they all buy 7,000 boxes of Girl Scout cookies every year. Oh, Girl Scout cookies. Okay. Well, that's going to do it for your turn, Ronnie. Yes? Yeah. That is then going to take us to Hashinka. She's going to jump up on the table in front of her

and then attempt to leap up and grab the mantle of the Tenebrous one. grab the mantle of the Tenebrous one. She jumps up and midair, right as her hands are about to grip it, we pause the action and we'll find out what happens on our next episode of Horror Horror. Oh my goodness. Sam, what do you think happened today? Hi everyone.

In episode 50, we're battling Orcus and Valix. We defeated Valix and now we're fighting a crown that's about right that's yeah accurate better than a door uh dan hey y'all i unfortunately had to cancel my appearance at Fest in Gainesville. Sorry, punk nerds. But good news, bad news, good news is I am going to be in the Northeast in New England doing some shows. I'm getting some bookings in Boston and New York City, and I'm working on a few more in the area while I'm around. That'll all be in September. So September, keep an eye out for Telfer in New England.

Favorite Manilow song. I only have two gigs left this summer, and then all my other shit will be in September also. But I've got San Diego Comic-Con next week, American Comedy Company, four shows. Dan will be there, and so will Johnny Taylor. And looking like some guest sets, too. I'm trying to keep that show real nerd-heavy and just fun.

And then I will be at the Image booth, 3.30 to 4.30 on Thursday, with Scott Koblish and jerry duggan from uh our scotch mctiernan books and we will have the trades in our hot hands the trade comes out next week so it's the collection of the of the first three stories we did with scotch mctiernan and there's a lot of violence and jokes and uh it's it's pretty deadpool-y without deadpool like we we were kind of writing a goofy deadpool book but without that main character uh so if you like our work from deadpool and uh it was a fucking bestseller so somebody did um so uh so come sign that, or I'll sign it for you.

And then also I will be with Brendan Small showing Metalocalypse, the first couple minutes from the movie that he and I worked on. And Gene Hoagland will be there, and it's going to be very metal and super apocalypsy, too. Gene Hoagland will be there and it's going to be very metal and, uh, super apocalypsey too. And I'm going to be with my kid at comic-con. So don't fucking bug me.

How about that? Or do, do, do what you gotta do. Uh, and then I'm going to be in, uh, Denver with Johnny Taylor at the end of the month.

And then I'm off August. That's it. BrianBassine.com as always. Uh, anybody else? Blaine, what's happening next week? We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode you got walls and a roof well

on the next episode nerd poker we're gonna knock this wall out here open this room up a little bit kind of get some sun in here get some air moving around let me just go over here and see if jim fixed that stinkhole! All this, an emergency rescue sends two down the pink hole, one down the sink hole, on the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker.

You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.