Nerd Poker - S5E51 The Final Demon

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

Blaine continues what now feels like a months-long ritual of destroying Orcus' genitals. Death saves are in the future of some characters, and apparently the players expected that to happen because it's a very emotional experience to get that far. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to my show, Nerd Poker, episode 51. We did it.

One more than 50. Some shit went down. It continues to go down. Let's check it out. My friends are here. Hey, Dan. Hi, Brian. How are you, buddy?

Good. Seen a lot of movies lately. It's Studio Ghibli Fest. Seeing all those Ghiblis. Oh, nice. I'm in Pompoko. Are you? Yeah. those ghiblis oh nice i'm in pompoko are you yeah yeah that was one of my first things i did when i moved to la and and uh it was dubbing uh i'm a dirty filthy raccoon and you can see my balls i like seeing uh both the Japanese and English dubs

because Japanese, I'm like, oh, this is the way it was originally made. I get to hear the vocal intonations, blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden, if you watch the English ones, Mark Hamill is in there, and there's all kinds of great little surprises. It's fun. Yeah, it's weird. I did it a fucking million years ago, but I'm proud of that. You can see my raccoon balls.

Ken's here. Speaking of raccoon balls. We've all seen your raccoon balls. No big deal. Sarah. Hello. Hi. How are you?

I'm great. Thank you. Nice. Fuck. The sincerity is awesome. Chris is here. thank you nice fuck the sincerity is awesome Chris is here I got a recipe for raccoon ball soup

I'm gonna make it up for everybody nothing better than a hot summer day and a mouthful of hot raccoon ball soup I'm with you Blaine's here Raccoon Ballsuit. Yeah. I'm with you. Blaine's here.

Oh, hi. I didn't recognize your balls without the mask on. I have little trash bandit balls. And there he is. Where's the ramen? He's under the covers. Sam's here. Hello, sweet raccoons. Under the covers.

Nice. Has he already had a walk for today or just out and pee and poo? No, he's just not ready to be up yet. Oh, he's not even up. No, he's back asleep. My dogs have already had a treat and breakfast. Yep. Went out and took a shit in the yard.

Yeah, he lives his life like an unemployed writer. Hey, wait a minute. He's getting high in his car over at Radford. Where's his WGA strike shirt? Yeah, exactly. We got to get him one. Free mochi donuts? Well, WGA

Thundervest. Yep. Nice. Cool. Well, let's get in to 51. We will. This is the emergency episode. Is that 51 an emergency reference? Squad 51. Oh, that's right. Rampart, this is Squad 51. emergency reference squad 51 oh that's right rampart this is squad 51 i'm starting to iv of ringers lactate 50 cc's of d5w and 51 50 was the name of uh eddie van halen's recording

studio yeah we're a million or edward Van Halen, if you're nasty. It's also how much it costs to get married in Vegas. $51.50? Yeah. It's like $51.50. $54 maybe. It's funnier if it's $51.50.

I just want everybody to know that i have songs in my head that i don't want to share with people because ever since my car accident i've been listening to yacht rock so right now i have uh give me the beat boy Give Me the Beat Boy soothed my soul. Want to get lost in your rock and roll and drift away. No shame. I said I wasn't going to do it and then I did it. There you go. No judgment. Yacht Rock is good, but

it also keeps you in a real mellow mood when you're driving around the valley. And since we're not, we're strictly surface streets for us since the freeway scared us. Wow. Can I ask, I want to ask an expert a question. What is the difference between Yacht Rock and say Billy Joel?

There's an overlap I'd say. Yeah. Yeah. They don't really play him on yacht rock though they i haven't really heard him i don't know what song you would play like as we didn't start the fire yeah yeah don't go changing that would fit in yeah i read recently somebody described Billy Joel as writing music. He writes musicals for straight white men. And it makes perfect sense. Well, call me a straight white man then because.

I want more of the Billy Joel train. He's great. I've been a Billy Joel fan. Billy Joel's like if Tom Waits quit smoking. That's the difference. Lyrically, he's not there but i but i i still love him but yeah lyrically i'm not gonna i can't i can't brian what's your favorite billy joel song probably i mean or do you have like a top five or give us the top five billy joel's fuck all y'all guys scenes at an Italian restaurant is such a weird ass

song and it's fun as hell and if you can't get into it I'm sorry it is like the most 70s maybe early 70s three songs at once it's ridiculous you gotta just roll with it he's written some really

fucking terrible shitty songs. I'll never listen to Uptown Girl. Don't get me wrong. They're not good, but they're earworms. Some of them are good. They're not all good. What's good on that album, though?

I was about to make a case for him. There's a few artists that are cheesy like cheesy. But yeah. Young Girl is one of his worst songs. Joe Troman just covered We Didn't Start the Fire. I have no control over what Joe Troman does. With his multi-million selling band.

They just went like eight platinum on one of his records, and I went, hey, I saw you went eight platinum on one of your records. He's like, oh, I didn't know. I'm like, nice. I would know if I went eight platinum. I'd be getting alerts. After five, you fucking get over it I think Yeah that means

Eight million Eight million people That's a lot of people Sarah do you have like a giant Allentown Ink work on your back Okay so like I love Allentown Allentown's another great one I mean come on

It's so evocative It's depressing I know, generational trauma and like, just also it's Pennsylvania based, so I'm always going to get into it. Guys, we're getting started on Billy Joel now. We can really, but if you don't like Alan Toney, you don't understand why it's incredible,

I don't know what to tell you. I think a great back tap would be the River of Dreams going down your spine. That's what I think would be a good back tap. If I saw something like that, I would have a heart attack. You know what, though? It's still possible that I may come around, because

at 57, I just started liking Grateful Dead and Bruce Springsteen all in the last year. That one record, Nebraska, is a banger, as they say. I blame the accident. Yeah, maybe.

Oh, wow. And then and then I I stumbled on the Grateful Dead channel on Sirius. And I was like, oh, into your head. I like that song. Hey, well, I like this song. Oh, yeah, I like that song hey well i like this song oh yeah i like that so who knows when i was a kid maybe one day maybe one day billy joel finally cracked me but you know i think i told you i think i told you where it came from right so in seventh grade some fucking asshole

teacher brought uh that uh fucking throwing rocks at glass houses record and played that whole fucking record in my class and everybody loved it and i those kids already didn't like me so i think i just took it as like me versus them and i think i picked that hill i think that's fair that's what i was gonna say it's like i had never ever listened to taylor swift in my entire life i could not have named a taylor swift song but my kids like heard a song at camp or something you know what i mean and then they're now they're requesting it so i have to play in the car so now i've listened to a ton of taylor swift in the last couple months and she's pretty cool I said bad and I feel like I had this whole like current pop star like she has some good she has some good

songs there's some interesting stuff happening but I would have like you know what I mean like I'm it had to be forced upon me I'm and I also like you yeah like willfully like no I'm not the kind of person who will ever listen to Taylor Swift and then it's like all right actually at least she writes her own shit. She's not the worst out there, for sure. Yeah. I don't know any of you. She's a show person, also.

Like, the album Midnight's, all the songs are about destroying your enemies. So there's some fun anger in there, also. There you go. Are we talking about Billy Joel or Taylor Swift?

Taylor Swift. We've all learned a little something today. We're all Swifties now. And Jolies. Keeping to yourself. She stood on the shore, waving her arms. Guys, let's be Jolies together.

We can make bracelets. Jolies. Is that a thing? Jolie? It is now. Swifties are what people who like, that's what it's called. It could be Jolies. Mm-hmm.

Just for one day. We're never going to play Dungeons & Dragons. I prefer Joel holes. Billy holes. Billy holes! I like that more than everyone else. Why are holes even involved? Why?

Because it's like, you call a person an asshole sometimes, and then now you call them a Billy hole. It's derogatory. It's like a self a person an asshole sometimes, and then now you call them a billy hole. Okay, so it would be like a derogatory. It's like a self-deprecating one. That's an Australian thing, a billy hole. Yeah, it does sound like it. Where you put your kangaroo. That's where the tarantulas live in their billy holes.

Oh, Jesus. No, the tarantulas down in their billy holes. I'm moving out. This is very Irish. Got my whole song in that accent. That's not in their belly holes. I'm moving out. This is very Irish. Got my whole song in that accent. That's not an uptown girl. That's an uptown girl. Hey!

I'm enjoying this. This is the new plot of season five. Oh my god. We've been trying to start this for the longest time. For the longest time. For the longest time. All right. Before someone makes a Downeaster Alexa reference,

let's talk about the beloved listeners who are able to contribute at our elite Patreon levels. Thank you, Eric Ewald. Thank you, Jack Gulick. Thank you, Ramen's Grandma Cup of Noodles. Thank you, Jamie Swedler. Thank you, Ramen's Grandma Cup of Noodles. Thank you, Jamie Swedler. Thank you, Trond.

Thank you, Valerie LaVray's Flowery Bidets. Hey, get your butt wet. That is, of course, a reference to Eliza Skinner's character, Valerie LaVray. Thank you, She-Ra's Unfortunate Quarter Century He-Man Phase. Not sure what that is exactly. Thank you, Shiraz Unfortunate Quarter Century He-Man Phase. Not sure what that is exactly. Thank you, Dustin Peterson. Thank you, Paquito Torpedo. Thank you, Matthew Spears.

And finally, thank you, Jeffrey Boyd. Blaine, who were those supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by Swarovski, the crystal that helps you quit drinking. Swear it off with Swerovski. Frontine, Bactine for your front. Finally! Bactine for my front, Frontine.

And Egg Softener for the softest eggs in town. How'd you get your eggs so soft? Egg Softener. Egg Softener for the softest eggs from DuPont. Dan? Thanks, Blaine. I'll do the voice now because it's time to talk about what happened

last time on Nerd Poker. Yeah, a little misdirect there. Our heroes managed to get Orcus to vanquish Valix, the mantle of the Tenebrous One now hanging in the air. Queep smashed it around a little bit.

Ronnie knocked it away a little farther from Orcus. And Winifred did some stuff that almost worked. But definitely some pantomime. Some fucking hardcore pantomime. Hoshinka is now jumping off a table and about to grab it. We take you to that. So she is going to be doing a saving throw.

These are like a couple of, like when I have an NPC do a saving throw that's important or an attack that's important, it can be fun to have one of you guys roll it, so it just feels a little bit less Dungeon master controlling the narrative to me.

Would somebody like to roll Hoshinka's wisdom saving throw for me? It is a plus one. You got this, Brian. Hmm. I have a plus one to wisdom, so I can just roll it. Go for it.

All right. And you know my rolls are always good. 13. Okay. You notice Hoshinka get knocked backwards. There is a, like, splash of magic that goes out from it, and she, you know, grabbing it, has jumped up as high as she can off the table,

flies back 15 feet, and kind of like rolls behind the table. You have to know that's a good... Nah. Don't grab the crown. Thought we talked about this. Orcus is going to

take his turn now. He raises his wand and Hashinka's been knocked back into the pillar of what is it called? The Creeping Death. And now he is firing a necrotic

bolt at Hashinka inside the pillar. A necrotic bolt at Hashinka inside the pillar. Necrotic bolt is plus 15 to hit. Do that in roll 20. Boop-a-doop. That is a 32. Oh, that's nowhere close. 5d8 plus 7 necrotic damage.

Oh, boy. Huh. We're all leaving. Orcus might be a little overpowered, I think. Yeah, we should just leave. Oh, wait till you see what he's like when he wears the mantle that's numerous. Oh, boy. That'll be 40 points of necrotic damage to Hashinka.

Jesus. Let me see. So he gets a three multi-attack. He's going to fire off another one at Hashinka. As if that wasn't enough. That's 33 to hit. Another 36

points of necrotic damage to Hoshinka. She's fine. She's fine. Everything's fine. Why didn't you grab the crown? Why? I mean, everyone was kind of making a dash to get it away from Orcus. I can't tell you her inner monologue, but that was a benefit on her mind, I'm sure.

He also notes that Rani is right in front of him. So he is going to take a step forward and try to smash you with the wand, Ronnie. Wish you wouldn't. I know. A 23 to hit. All kinds of fun damage. So, first it's going to be 3d8 plus 11 bludgeoning damage.

31 points, Brian, of bludgeoning damage. Wow. And then 2d12 necrotic damage. 10 points of necrotic damage. So, a total of 41 points of damage. See you later. Are you out? I'm dead.

Not dead, just unconscious, right? Well, like, I'm dead not dead just unconscious right? well like I'm 16 points unconscious you have to be the amount of your total hit points unconscious to be unrevivably dead like if you have 70 hit points you have to be at negative 70 right?

death save screen just came up so there is that yeah um I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead Dr. Uid you're up I'm going to

come up out of the ground and take a couple of swings at his balls as it's my signature move the second one I'm going to oh a natural 20 for the first one. Isn't anybody sad Ronnie's dead? No reaction? Nothing?

We're shocked. Fucking nothing. Death doesn't mean anything. Thanks, guys. I love you, too. I'm so sorry. I meant to bust out the bagpipes and play Cadence to Arms every time one of you guys Pretty fucking dead.

Yeah, we'll get you. All you need is three rolls and you're back to life or someone to heal you. And there's a million people in this room. Who here has been knocked dead this fight? Oh, wait. This fight?

No, but this game, certainly. This game? I think all of you have been knocked dead at least once. I mean, you don't have to be overconfident here, Brian. You may well die. But then we will mourn you.

So the first one was a natural 20. Natural 20 with 28. That is... 2d8 plus 5. Oh, 16 plus 5, 21. And then the second one was an 18. Is that a connect? Because I would like to...

It is. For that one, I would like to grab a hold of his balls and disappear into the ground with them. I'm going to pull him down and hold him to the ground. Pull his balls into the stone. This is actually, we're going to, I'm going to make you re-roll this because that is a strength check.

You're trying to grapple his nuts. Can you do them like a slingshot? Like you're pulling them back to maximum tautness. That's definitely the vibe I'm getting. Yeah, and then he can, like, knock him unconscious. But it would be cool if he's got that big row of balls if they hit him from the back and start doing that clack, clack, clack, clack, clack.

He is an archdemon, so infinite energy in those, probably. Hey, Blaine, yeah, it's going to be a contested strength check because you're trying to grapple his nuts and he's going to contest you. Okay. So my strength as an elemental

is 20. I have a plus 5. 17. He has a plus 8 to his strength and he rolled a 15, so you succeed in grappling his nuts. I'm going to just sort of disappear into the ground again and take his nuts down there with me.

Okay, so he gets pulled down to his knees all of a sudden. You guys see an explosion. Is he making a homina homina homina noise? I wanted to make a homina homina homina noise. The marble floor has already been destroyed many times over by the earth elemental known as

Dr. Uid, but you see an explosion again of earth and then Orcus goes, Hummin' Hummin', yipe! And then yanks down to his knees all of a sudden. Next to Ronnie's

unconscious body. Will that do it for your turn, Blaine? Yes. I'm just gonna continue to hold ball. Friar Jolly, you're up. Friar Jolly will solemnly head down, walk up towards Ronnie's forever lifeless body and just be like, well, here lies a great hero.

You know, some people wouldn't follow, but only one can lead. And I'll put my hand on him and say, I know this spell will do nothing, for he is dead. Three times dead. Never to return. I guess I'm just wasting this spell slot.

No one can wipe up tears once they've spilled them for Rania, a leader. I'm going to cast, I'm going to touch him, and I'm going to cast at fourth level, Cure Wounds. Great. Roll the amount of health he gets back. He gets back a total of 29 hit points. That's exactly what happened.

What the fuck? So how do I do that? How do I add to I think you can just add it to your hit points right okay I think it's a place in the death saves where you can actually adjust your hit points

yeah and then having like I'm like oh my god the leader what a break so then I will use the rest of my movement to fall back again by my buddy

Kweep hi Ryan do you it's still I can't figure it out the death state screen is still there if I click it I can do it for you, Brian. It works for me. How many hit points?

24, you said? 29. 29? All right. You now have 29 hit points on D&D Beyond, Brian. Not according to my screen. Hit refresh. Where's that?

On your browser? Just like reload the page. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just looks like a roll of certs. We all remember where we were when Ronnie died. Shouldn't it be technically less because I was down more? No. No, it just goes to zero.

Yeah. Maybe you got some scars, but you're fine. Yay, thank you. I'm terrified because you're a ghost. Thanks for not making a big deal of me dying. It would be really dramatic to make a big deal because now I'm not dead. I know this isn't what was going to happen. Thank God.

Thank God nobody was overly dramatic about my death. I love how Chris played it, but part of me, like halfway into that speech, was like, it would be really great if Chris just gave that speech, like, kneeling down next to his body, and then said, that's my turn. And then didn't cast Pure Wounds.

Yeah, Fry Jolly turns around and tries to grab the crown. Do you? No, Dan! Okay. Well, certainly is an option for a certain mage hand belonging to Fizbort. Fizbort is

going to attempt to grab it with a mage hand. Interesting. Ooh. So he can't pull it all the way, but he goes flexing his mind, a big Telfer-like vein flexing in his forehead, and he pulls it ten feet closer. Nice. Now be his turn. Winifred, you're up.

Okay, can you ping the crown on the map for me? Yeah, do you remember when I said I was going to make a token? I sure didn't. I'll try and do that while we're on the air. Wait, I just saw a bunch of pings. The owl is fine. The owl, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll just keep it the owl because now it's funny.

Oh, cool. Okay. Oh, so it's pretty close to me, actually, huh? It is. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to try to do a bunch of stuff on this turn. So let me know if this doesn't work.

I like a bunch of stuff. I'm going to run to the crown. Okay. the crown. Okay. And then I'm going to try to throw a rope through the middle of it when I'm, like, five feet, you know, just, like, dip it down, grab onto it

so I have it, like, in a little lasso. Uh-huh. And then I'm going to cast Dimension Door. What? That's my plan. That's a good plan. All right. Well, no matter what happens here, Sarah, the classic Billy Joel country song, Shameless, begins to play as you make this lasso. So you cast dimension door. Can you

describe it again? Because I'm really trying to wrap my head around what I love here. I'm like running up to the thing. I moved your token. Okay, thank you. Then I'm like threading a rope through the top of the crown. So I'm not actually touching the crown. Which will be a roll. Okay.

That will be a roll. Right. And then I'm going to cast Dimension Door because according to Dimension Door, I should be able to travel to a spot that I choose with stuff, you know? So I could technically bring a person with me too, but I feel like that feels like too much right now. Okay. And where are you going with Dimension Door? So that was my question because I was going to ask you, so let's see dimension door. So it says that I can go, um, 500 feet to a place that I can visualize.

So I was going to go back like the, somewhere to where we came in. And I was trying to figure out if the main hall that we came in, I think that's too far, but I'm not sure. Um, but maybe it's not where that lady was to do to do uh yeah hang on i'm gonna see that's a great question oh so technically you are only 150 feet away from the door where that lady is. So you could go into that vestibule where she is. I'm going to just check another map real quick to see if you could go all the way back past her into the tomb if you want.

Because I'd like to go, the best place to go would be an unoccupied place because if I do happen to try to materialize right where she is, then it won't work and I might die. So I want to try to go somewhere where there's not walking around. You can go anywhere you visited in the tomb as well, including all the way to the elevator platform.

Okay. I'd like to go back to the place where we entered, to like the tomb room. The tomb room. Where we entered the, and then do you know what I'm talking about? Where we had to open the thing get inside yeah and so i'm going to visualize where i'm going to end up okay

now i don't know that for sure that this is going to work or that the thing will come with me so it might just be look really weird as hell when when i this. This will be two rolls, yeah. Okay. And I've adjusted the other map. So, I'm ready for you. Can you do an athletics check to try to sue the crown?

Okay. Okay. That's a nine. Perfect. Okay, I'll give you this because, well, hang on. How much movement do you have? 30 feet. And you just moved 35 feet?

No, well, I was trying to get as close as I could. You know. Wait, yeah, yeah, yeah. So to get as close as I could. You know. Wait, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you were here and you went. Yeah, I mean, that's. I had moved. You know what? I hadn't.

Remember how I moved to be closer so that Ken could be included in the spell before? True. Yeah. I will give you that athletics check because it's technically only like a couple of feet away from you you don't have to hurl the that's what I figured out just like drop it it's been pulled closer to the ground by fizz port so yeah you can it's not a slam

dunk kind of move but you do you can just kind of and I would say you just needed like an eight on your into nine is fine if I would have made it be like a 15 if you were firing that shit off 10 feet yeah so you know shameless does not play in the I would have made it be like a 15 if you were firing that shit off 10 feet. Like really trying to like, woohoo! Yeah.

So, you know, Shameless does not play in the background. It's not really worth it. All right. But, you know. Roped up. However, this roll will not be a low number. I'm going to need an Arcana check. I'm going to say no matter what, this Dimension Door is going to work.

Whether or not this will come with you depends on the Arcana check. I'm going to say no matter what, this Dimension Door is going to work. Whether or not this will come with you depends on the Arcana check. Okay. Sorry in advance, guys. It's alright. Thank you for apologizing. 24? Oh, fuck! I rolled a 19 plus 5.

Sarah, you look so satisfied. Fuck! I rolled a 19 plus five. Sarah. Sarah, you look so satisfied. Well, I'm holding his words. Pretty great. I love a curve ball. So you wrap the rope around the crown, cast Dimension Door. You guys all see Winifred

just like pull herself and the crown out of existence. Winifred, you rematerialize back in the tomb, which if everyone on Roll20 would like to see, you're right outside the door. A door that

had a puzzle attached to it originally, but you guys all smashed through it. So for the sake of listeners, this is the door that had a relief attached to it originally, but you guys all smashed through it. So for the sake of listeners, this is the door that had a relief on it that you guys just destroyed the door, got it open. It's called the Kobayashi Maru, my friend. You are past the chamber with the cursed drow.

And if you look at the map, you're up in this sort of room with three sarcophagi. And then there are a couple of staircases that go down towards the elevator shaft. Great. In the other room, there's a four-family guy. Anything else you'd like to do with this turn, Sarah?

I think you've used all your actions and bonus actions with all this shit. I've definitely maxed my actions here, so. Yeah. Well, that's especially because of how close the crown is. I feel okay with that choice because it's not really difficult. Just like you could do Dimension Door and take a rope and go zoop. Bamford style. And I did.

It's fantastic. You could do Dimension Door and take a rope and go zoop. Bamford style. It's fantastic. Up next is... Queep. I'm standing there. Yeah. Well, heck, I'll just attack him then. Sure.

There's no crown around. Crown around for clowning. Crown around. Okay. Is there a way for you to cut off the balls that I'm holding? So that they snap up and do the flapping dicky thing? A cartoon boyarling? Like an oversized pair of scissors. Or like a ribbon cutting ceremony.

Or like a pulled out windshield curtain. Yeah, the grand opening of a new cutting ceremony. Yeah, the grand opening of a new Best Buy. You're just going to... Sure, I'll go for the balls. What a disgusting crew we are. Yeah. Roll to attack. Okay, that's a 18 on the balls.

They hit to the balls. Yay! Cock-a-lop-boom-boom. Oh, you know, hmm. Oh, what? I'm going to say... We're going to hit him near the balls. Yay! Oh, you know, my... I'm gonna say you're gonna hit him near the balls. This is a very specific called shot on something you don't have

vision on. I would have required a crit to make that called shot. So you're gonna hit him near it. The ball area for 12. This will not be as Looney Tunes as everyone wants. 12 on the nuts. Alright. He takes 12 points nut damage. And again, that's a 14. Okay.

That is a miss. Kakala couldn't. Oh! Also, I saw nut damage open. Okay. 24-7, spies. There you go. Gus has been watching up from above.

All the nut fun. And he goes, ah! He jumps off the perch. And he starts flying. He's keeping a high-ish altitude, as much as he can. And he... I'm gonna say he goes, like, right here. He's staying, um...

Kind of like you notice he's making a path y'all who are still in the room that looks like it's between the glowing pillar of light in the middle of this chamber and Orcus and it's unclear what he's doing no

insight check would really explain this without you asking him directly. That will do it for his turn. Ronnie, you're up, and you are alive, Ronnie. But Brian is not. You're up. Oh, it's me? And you're alive.

Wow. Oh, cool, cool. I didn't hear Ronnie. Uh, well, let's see. What should I do? Nuts. Yeah, Orcus is pinned to the ground by his nuts. All right.

I'm going to hack at him. T-bag him. These nuts I'm gonna hit those nuts with an arm blade Go for it Dan because he's pinned Would you say he's like prone or anything like that? Oh No He's too big prone or anything like that? Oh, no.

He's too big. I would say if maybe he was a humanoid size being that, sure. But he is so big that being on his knees is semi-prone and I don't think it's that simple. He's got the biggest balls of them all.

Some balls are held for charity. The balls I'm hitting with my arm blade are the ones that I like best. And that is a 22 to hit so that is a successful ball slash. Will you please roll your damage? Roll your damage.

Okay. This demon ichor explodes Will you please roll your damage? Roll your damage. Eight. Okay. This demon Iker explodes out of his pelvis as you cut him on his treasure trail. I don't know. Satisfying and gross. I cast. So you get more than one hit. They get another hit.

You get two attacks per action. So go for it. Arm blood. That one's probably not a hit. Still waiting to see the number. Nine. Ah, well, then I have the German answer for that hit as well, unfortunately. Will that do it for your turn, sir?

Yes. Then off to Hashinka we go. Hashinka, bearer of 23 remaining hit points, she's still alive, gets up. She's still alive. Gets up. And you guys all see none of this. Winifred, I'm also taking your token out of play on this map. She runs out of sight.

I will actually let... Can everyone in the room accept Blaine? So Ronnie, Friar Jolly and Kwee do a perception check. Perception check. Yeah. Big six. Natural 20 plus five, 25. OK, so y'all do see Oshinka runs down the hallway, Orcus

came in. Nine. I got a nine again. So up top she runs down? Yeah. And Ronnie, you're too busy nut-nut slashing to notice, but Firejolly and Creep you both see. Okay. So she's doing something back there.

Patty Chayeski's finest work. Coming round the turn order, we get to Orcus. Orcus is going to attempt to break his nut free. So could you do a strength check for me, Blaine? Yes. 17 plus five, 20, what is that? 23, two. Ooh, he rolls a 10.

Nice. You maintain a grip on his... How should I describe it? What if I didn't? Ball. Just call me XYF, motherfucker. I would never do that. His veiny, thorny nut.

So... Balls. Balls. That... Balls. These veiny, thorny nuts. Balls. Balls. What sucks for him is that's going to use his action. Balls. Oh, dude, he's raining balls. What sucks for him is that's going to use his action.

I will say, however, that he is extremely pissed off. So nobody probably cares, but that is true. Up next is coming to Dr. Uid. Okay. Well, since I've still got you. The meaning is the word coming when talking about balls.

I apologize to the listener. That's okay. I'm going to do the thing. You know how when you're pulling like a rope and you do the thing where you kind of wrap your arm around it to kind of secure it? I'm going to make sure

that I've really got a good grip underground and I'm just going to keep going down and down and pull him flat. That is going to be another strength check. Now you're trying to... This would be prone. Okay. He rolls an 11, so you got a great shot at this.

I rolled a 19 plus my strength, which is 5. is five so 24 all right so he gets pulled all the way down okay i guess that's my action that is definitely your action okay yeah yeah i'm still underground but i'm i got his holding on tight to his taproot. DDT'd his nard. Okay. Friar Jolly's up. Um, cool.

Um, well, first of all, upon seeing, uh, Winifred apparently vanish and disintegrate, Friar Jolly's like, A member of the party has died! Everyone remember this moment forever. And then I'm going to try and... I'm going to... Let's see.

Dan, because he's now flat, I have a spell Sacred Flame that makes him do a dexterity saving throw. Would he be at disadvantage because he's now like scrotum held to the floor? I'm going to say no. He would have, you'd have, which saving throw is it? It would be a dexterity saving throw. Yeah, you know, for dexterity, yes, yes.

That is a disadvantage for sure. He would be? Okay, so then I'll try and do that i'll try and cast a sacred flame um and he has to make a dc 17 dexterity saving throw okay oh got a seven sweet uh so uh it's 3d8 plus five. That's not great. So it's a total of 12 points of radiance damage that I dedicate to the memory, of course, of our dear friend Winifred. Amazing.

Okay. Fizzbort is now up unless you would like to do something else, sir. I'll pat Queep on the back and say, you're doing such a great job. Thank you. You've done a shitload of damage to Orcus. Um, and when I say he's pissed off, I mean, I largely mean like he's like feverishly angry from all of the violence he has suffered.

He is not looking great. His anger reveals as such. Fizbort had been tugging on the crown with Mage Hand, would have released when he saw what Winifred was doing, but is definitely aware of what just happened given his proficiency with wizard's magic. And so you all see him blink out of existence. Yay.

Orcus killed another one. Can you believe it? Two deaths. I will say, however, Winifred, you wouldn't know you're supposed to maybe see this, but you do not see this board yet, for what it's worth. Up next is Winifred, though.

Hey, Winifred, I'm going to change the map for you. Yeah. There's a bit of a, what do I do now situation. I should have brought someone. I know, like a little waft of Bunk's ashes kind of blows past you as you stand in this quiet tomb. So hang on, I'm looking at so I can only see this part of the map because. What can you only see part of? Is there something I can only see this part of the map because... What can you only see part of?

Is there something I can help with? Like if I went... I'm trying to see how far I have to go down the hallway. Do you know what I mean? In order to do something here. To get to like the elevator? No, to go back into the hallway. I have an idea about something.

Can you reveal that part? You pass the woman who's in the fountain. Past here? Yeah, yeah. Okay yeah yeah okay yeah yeah so um that is the map we were just in so back there you go to the bottom right it's that

tunnel with the plants and crystals great flowers okay it needs to be a foot of stone is gonna prevent it okay that's very frustrating. Um, I think at this point I'm just going to have to like, yeah,

I gotta, I'm going to have to figure out what to do, but is there any place that it looks like I can stash this thing? Like hide it behind, tuck it behind the couch or something. There are these... You helped me with this once, Chris. What are those called, braziers?

Yeah. Braziers of flame. You could tuck it under or behind. There are some urns that you could pop it in potentially. Right. And there are these sarcophagi, but I don't- Is it like a balloon that's coming around with me on my string right now?

It's very difficult to move. You know, without you actually using your turn order, I would say you can just, all you can tell based on your experience and sort of a mild tug is it is fixed in place for the most part. Okay. I think right now I'm gonna then have to... Yeah, I can't send a message or anything. It's a toughie.

You've got a demigod mantle just on the list too. What to do? I definitely need the other... Like, I don't want to go right back, but I'm prepared to go back into the room and leave need the other... I don't want to go right back, but I'm prepared to go back into the room and leave this thing, but I don't want to go immediately. So for right now, I think I am going to cast... Also, yeah. Oh, sorry, go ahead. Oh, I just wanted to... You're five feet away from the urns and sarcophagus if you're worried about

distance, but you're going to cast. Well, you're five feet away from the urns and sarcophagus if you're worried about distance, but you're going to cast. Well, you're saying that I can't really, it's not like I could walk with this thing like a balloon back down the hallway. It might shorten your movement distance if you're trying to pull it with you because it's going to take effort. Right.

It's like dragging something heavy along the ground. Okay, well, I guess I'm going to, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to cast greater invisibility on myself and my ground. Okay, well, I guess I'm going to... So what I'm going to do is I'm going to cast Greater Invisibility on myself and my balloon. Okay. And then I'm going to quietly start walking. I'm going to try to get to a place

within the tunnels where I can communicate something to them. But I recognize that that might take a little bit of time. Okay. And, oh, oh, I know what I was... Yeah. So I'm going to walk quietly within the tunnels, and can you tell me recognize that that might take a little bit of time. Okay. And, oh, I know what I was, yeah. So I'm gonna walk quietly within the tunnels, and can you tell me if I see

any of those plants once I get inside the tunnel? Alright, so you're bamfing back into those tunnels in the other map? No, I'm just walking. Just walking? Mm-hmm. Um... You're... You can't quite get as far as that, but you can walk as far as where that cursed

drow and that pool of water is. Yeah, I'm just going to start inching my way inside there quietly for now. Okay. Can you put your token about where you want to be? Yeah. Well, I have 30 feet normally of movement, and you're saying this is going to be even harder. If you're tugging this with you it's having your movement okay so then basically i can go to like here yeah okay but you're coming with me little owl yeah

hoohoo it says though it is definitely not an owl um boobo is that like mechanical owl from some science fiction? Yes! Yes, Dan! Is it from the decade I was barely alive in? Yes! Okay. My God, I can't believe...

I'm going to have to give you a nerd test after this. I'll fail it. I have a terrible memory. So, that'll do it. I have a terrible memory. So, that'll do it for Winifred. Queep, it is now your turn. I take us back to the map where you can see where we're going. Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls. Balls

is all the walls. I'm gonna balls the balls. The walls with smashed up nard balls. I'm attacking this ball. Okay. In case it wasn't clear. Yeah'm attacking his ball. Okay. In case it wasn't clear. Yeah. 23 to hit.

That's a hit. Also, you have advantage because he's prone. Do you want to roll one more time and see if you crit? Sure. That's a 10, so no. So it was five points of damage. Okay. So it rakes across him. Once again, back into the balls.

That's a seven. You have advantage. Did you roll twice? Oh, you're right. That's a 12. That does not hit. So as the axe flies back to you, just whiffs a little bit.

Thank you, Blade of Kukla. Gus flies out the door. You guys lose sight of Gus. Oh, so with Orcus pinned to the ground by the nut and Winifred making her way through the tunnels with her demigods's balloon. We will find out what happens next on episode 52. Sam, what do you think happened?

You are muted, Sam. Sorry, I was unable to listen to this at a meeting. But did I hear there's an owl? Yes. It's not an owl? Yes. It's not an owl, but yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Great.

That's just where we start. As has been recently noted, I will be doing shows around Los Angeles and also the Northeast. So check out, I usually post on Instagram. And yeah, I've got dates dates so look for me to be posting about those brian you want to plug brian hi i'm brian i'm gonna be a comic-Con with my son. So come up and fuck with me and my son. And I'll

sign your tits. But you gotta bring your own Sharpie because I can't get my prints on it. Alright. Everything Blaine said is true. Sorry about that. I was totally tripping. Not quite asleep

but tripping my ass off. Yeah, so brianforsane.com. And I will be signing Scotch McTiernan books at Comic-Con. And then at American Comedy Company. Four shows there, so let's sell them out. And then following week, I'm at Denver. Comedy Works. Come out.

Johnny Taylor's with me. And I'm trying to set up a comic book signing in Denver, too, so I might be at Mile High. I'm going to find out maybe today. Anybody else? No? Blaine, what's happening next week? We attribute the success to save mankind from death.

Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well... On the next episode of Nerd Poker, a strange meteor brings Jay Leno's Tonight Show money to life, and only Chris Tallman can stop it from buying more Duesenbergs. All this, and Chris takes us all to Mel's in his new Duesenberg on the next Jay Leto Poker.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.