Nerd Poker - S5E52 Smashy Smashy

Episode Date: August 8, 2023

Well it took him long enough, but Orcus has realized that the elemental guy slamming his demon nards over and over again is something of a problem. Sorry Blaine, but this one's probably gonna hurt.  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussin, and you're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. It's episode 52.

Yeah, you heard me. Bunch of shit going on. We're going to die soon. And end the show. I'll see what I did. Blaine's listening. What's up, Blaine? Hey, Brian, how are you?

I'm good. Good morning. Dan's here. Good morning, Brian. What a day. Yeah, right? It's kind of hot in the valley already. It is kind of hot in the valley.. It is kind of hot in the valley.

Hot in the valley. Is that a Tom Petty song? Hot in the valley tonight. Ken's here. Good evening for those of you listeners listening at night. All right. Yeah, whatever. I like how that upset Brian.

It didn't upset me but you had enough like you've had enough we've all had enough hey watch where you're going to all those listeners who are listening while you are driving the wrong way like in a Friedkin movie

unless it's a Tesla it can drive itself oh yeah thank god because the people that drive Teslas suck. They all do. It's the new Range Rover. What's up, Sarah? Oh, nothing. Just picked up my new Tesla

this weekend. I'm kidding. Hi. Hi. Hello. Ramen. Hello. Hello, sweet children. What's up, Seth? Hi, hello Uh, ramen Hello Hello, sweet children Hey, what's up, see that?

Look at that guy How you doing? Doing good That dog's ridiculous Mm-hmm, he's something Look at the beans Look at the beans Oh, the beans

I never liked the word beans to describe that Did you get that guy for free? Is he a rescue? That's my new thing, I actually like it I never saw it Yeah, he was walking downtown LA and someone found him. What the fuck?

When he was a puppy, yeah. How is that possible? I don't know. People are dicks. He just dropped out of heaven. Yeah, that's... Rescue dogs are the fucking best. That's awesome. Yeah, he's just happy to be here. Look at him.

Let's, uh... Rescue'd who? Oh, he's touching Sam's face with his ball. No, he's licking his nose. Oh, my God. Those of you driving, you're listening at night. What's the main thing about this? Listening at night.

Dan, we should thank some people. We should thank some people because they, you know, subscribe to us on Patreon. Pretty fucking rad. I'm going to go ahead and thank some Patreon users who go by names like Stephen Terrell. Thank you, Stephen Terrell. Thank you, Clay Carver. Thank you, Roland of Gilead. Thank you, Balrog Total Fitness. thank you clay carver thank you roland of gilead thank you balrog total fitness thank you manfred manthrax thank you nerdy girl 13 thank you justin milan thank you matthew arnold

thank you tensors gifts and finally thank you the tea when brian says the word else. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon support brought to us by Caveman Time Machine, who bring you Wheel, Roll Down Hill to Escape, Jaws of Smilodon, what you call Sabertooth Tiger, Fire, cook Smilodon with fire, from Maker of Lightning and Tree.

Club! Hit woman and drag her into cave with club. Caution, woman may also have club. And hit you and get out of cave. Butterfly! Step on to destroy future. Kill butterfly to make Hitler in charge of Warner Brothers. All this and more from Caveman Time Machine. Dan. Thank you, Brian.

Brian, I also would just like to say, I don't know how you felt about that roast of how you said the word else. How did you feel? Yeah, I didn't get a chance to respond really. What the fuck? I'm from California. That's the way I've said it my entire life. I know there's no T in there, but else sounds ridiculous.

Wait, let me hear it. I don't even know. He just said else and I've never heard, no, it's else. Anyone else? Oh, there is a T in there with you. Yeah. Fuck off. I never noticed.

I never noticed. I'm a native. I never got the T. I love dialects and- I going to add a T now. Same. I don't know why I do that, but the L sounds wrong to my ear.

Yeah. That's cool. Fuck anyone else. Yeah, I don't know about everybody else. Interesting. My husband says legs and eggs. Hello and milk. My husband says legs and eggs. And I just say yellow and milk.

My mom, it might be a Carol thing because my mom said a bunch of words wrong and I picked it up from her if I did, you know, it's totally possible. Wow. The ketchup and ketchup shit,

like people always hate when I call it the opposite of what they call it. I don't even know. Legs and eggs. Legs and eggs. That's how you're supposed to say it. Well, he is from Illinois, much like you, so

that would be why, I guess. Legs. Yeah. Let's have some eggs and some legs. Drink some milk and sleep on the pillow. What? Yeah, milk. Milk. Oh, milk.

Yeah, yeah. Milk is icky. Oh, I don't know why that is. And then put some stuff in the wheelbarrow and take them out for the timbly. Philadelphia is like music to my ears so that's a philly accent yeah yeah i'm just thinking of any philadelphia music i'm just saying people think it's hideous brian's don't love the gritty gram we got if your birthday yeah right i i get a lot of for saying donkey so i know what donkey donkey yeah i mean people get mad when i say donkey i've always said don't dance donkey too yeah dancing donkey i say donkey mad when i say i also say

donkey my cat is named right my cat's named duncan but i call him donkey so there that's just a little bit of confusion so donkey is like one of his 12. monkey i didn't really realize syrup was something is it it's maple syrup. Yeah. Syrup. Syrup. People will say syrup. Oh, like your name is in it. Syrup or syrup. No, it's maple syrup.

How would you say it? Syrup. Syrup. Syrup. Syrup. Oh. I put a little flare on the Y. Syrup.

You got some syrup. Like a sear. Syrup. Syrup. Syrup. Syrup. But it's not something that I accentuate. Like syrup. Syrup. That's what it's supposed to be? Syrup? Syrup. Thatrup. But it's not something that I accentuate. Like syrup.

Syrup. That's what it's supposed to be? Syrup? That's what I say it, Dan. Syrup. No, that's not how I say it. These are all things that I've never noticed, except for milk, which is God's abomination.

You can call it waffle blood. Let's talk about both, right? Both. Another one. This is what happens when you try to roast us. We just go deep dive. Let's die in DVD. Or, I mean, DVD.

You can die in DVD. No one will see it. Dungeons versus dragons. Oh, boy, oh, boy. So we're going to, I guess, have to talk. What? Huh? Sarah, please tell me what you're going to say.

What I was going to say? Or what somebody is doing on another screen on your screen? Congested. Oh, I missed it. Oh, I put a strip on my nose. Sorry. Oh, gross. It opens the sinuses.

I couldn't see. I play defensive for the Raiders. Why is it gross? I'll tell you. I'm teasing. I don't think it's really that gross. Although I will say one time I put a jade roller on my forehead while we were beginning an episode and Sarah made a face like I was like, I don't know, revealing all my harshest vulnerabilities. Is this a normal thing now?

Mel has one. Who gives a shit? I don't know what that is. What does it do? like is this a normal thing now like mel has who gives a shit do you're all you're all like that's just how i say words dad something's a normal jade roller even just when you said a jade roller sounds like something i don't even know what that is yeah look the city it's a skin thing it's it's because this city fucks your face skin up and it's cheaper than putting a bunch of drugs

on my face. Too late. Too late. It's my fucking face now. Yeah, real push. Listen, as the most glamorous member of Nerd Poker, I have my needs. Alright. Here we go.

We don't want to play. You were great as Fade in Dune, by the way. Why would you not want to play you're doing great you're punching orcas in the in the row of nards many times oh that's true all right what can i say what can i say i will give you the formal introduction last time on nerd poker our heroes started beating the shit out of phallus and they killed him probably they destroyed his phylactery on a previous season of nerd poker so our heroes started beating the shit out of Alex and they killed him. Probably. They destroyed his phylactery on a previous season of nerd poker, so he's probs dead.

However, Orcus still lives. He's pretty fucked up, but Orcus still lives. And Winifred Wintergem has taken the mantle of the Tenebrous One on a little trip down a tunnel. Do-do-do-do-do. See how that goes. one on a little trip down a tunnel. Do-do-do-do-do. See how that goes.

So, I don't have where we are in the turn order, but I try and never to end at the bottom of the turn order. So, I think Queep went last. Does that sound right to everybody? I don't know. Yeah. I got, you know, I got my stuff. If he wasn't injured or I rolled very low,

then yeah, probably me. I'm in trouble with a couple of listeners because Blaine rolled a crit and I didn't let him roll 100 crit on Orgus's nards. Anybody got some hit points to throw at old Ronnie? Well, it is Ronnie's turn. Oh, cool. So, Ronnie, I will warn you. You may want to take a defensive action that reflects your concerns,

because if you just run from where you are, of course, you'll get an attack of opportunity from Orcus the Dickbag. Yeah. It looks flank, no? He is flank. Well, here's the thing. Orcus is on his knees at the moment. Yeah.

But he can still hit. And flank doesn't do anything except for grant advantage on attacks. So if what you're getting at, Ken, is that he could do advantage. I don't think so. That's a great question, actually. Now I'm going to look it up.

I'm going to arm blade him then. And so I have advantage. Do you potentially want to run away? You want to wait until I look this up? No, no. Sick. I always want to run away. You want to wait until I look this up? No. Sick. I always want to run away. I'm not that far down.

I just want to have... I hate when I get down at all. Dad always says, keep your tank over three quarters full. Yeah, my father-in-law did that too. Because you get dirt in your system. Dirt in the bottom of the tank. I don't know if you heard that, Chris, but it's because you remember things like rules

better than me sometimes. Do you know if when you're flanking somebody, you can run away without evoking an attack? Well, you can disengage as an action. I got a crit. Brian's already just laying into the team. Never mind that. Hundy, hundy.

I got a gotta crit 27. So let us roll that damage and double the dice damage. And Brian, make up a number and say it's like 100. 17, so 7,

7, so 14 plus yeah. 117, so 7-7. So 14 plus, uh, uh, yeah. We're at 28. Plus 3. Nice. Nice. Jesus. Dang.

Did somebody do that bam-bam-bam thing? That was me. Alright, now... First you shred orc... And then, and then, and then Brian, you roll 100 sided dice. Uh,

pimp, pimp, pimp. Oh yes. Yes. Pimp, pimp, pimp.

I wonder if pimp, pimp and womp, womp are friends outside of a world. They don't have a hundred on a D and D beyond, huh? Uh, they do someplace. It's two tens. If not, yeah, right in the world. They don't have a hundred on D&D Beyond, huh? They do someplace. It's two tens if not. Yeah, right in the middle. Oh, okay. I can see it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Sorry about that,

guys. It's alright. Pimp, yeah. Okay, it sounds like the guy from The Fly is trying to get my attention. Help me. I was in seventh grade. 1979.

Yeah. My math teacher really liked Ted Nugent. I thought he seemed cool enough. Oh, no. Now. It turned out well. Now, not so much. 79. I was It turned out well. Now not so much. 79.

I was on Bob and Tom in Indianapolis one time and I found out at the last second Ted Nugent was going to be on the same panelist I was. I was so scared. And then thank God he called in. So he didn't actually interact with any of the other

radio panelists. But for a second, I was like, oh, no, he's going to bite me. Yeah, it seems like you'd get fleas from him or something. Yeah, exactly. Just like a cloud of body lice, like pig pen and peanuts. There's a band called the Amboy Dukes, like a 60s garage psychedelic band. And they have, they were, he was their guitar player. And he's this great guitar player.

And I listened to it and I go, wow, this is really good. Oh, right, Ted Nugent. It just, it just ruins it. It ruins it, you know? I don't know, man. He wrote some good songs. I mean, yeah. It takes you out of it a little bit.

It does. It's hard to separate the art from the art. Yeah, I do that all the time. I often just don't separate them. I got in a fight with a buddy of mine the time don't separate them i got in a fight with a buddy of mine because i don't like queens of the stone age ever since uh josh home uh kicked a photographer in the face i just drunk fucking bully shit like that fucking drives me crazy so that's just one guy yeah uh. I got another swing, right?

You do have another swing, but what was that 100 die roll? I missed it if you said it. Oh, 79. We did a whole thing. Oh, I thought you said 79. That's when you were in seventh grade. Oh, shit. And then I just remembered that part because I am a simple boy.

All right. Well, let me honor that, Brian. You should demand I honor such things because listeners will definitely kick my ass. Pew, pew, pew, pew. Uh, no. Oh, no. All right, so...

What limb are you cutting into here? Or you can pick a limb if you like. And you're using a short sword, yeah? Yeah. So keep in mind, this is like a four foot long blade with a razor, like a shaving razor at the end of it. Yeah, I'll chump his arm off. Cool.

Well, you get to roll an additional 2d12 plus two. Did they grow that back for him in hell? Probably, I would think. Cool. Well, you get to roll an additional 2d12 plus two. Did they grow that back for him in hell? Probably, I would think, right? Cool. 11. 11 total? 11 and one, 12 total. Got it. Plus two is 14.

So additional 14 points of damage. So funny, I rolled 11 on one and a one. And you kind of like nail him right in the shoulder joint underneath. And as your sword cuts in, you feel a piece of what you can only imagine is like demon tendon snap. And this Iker starts just like spraying

out of his shoulder. Iker? In large, large clumps. tendon snap. And this ichor starts just like spraying out of his shoulder. Ichor? In large large clumps. I didn't even know her. But so it lands in sort of like a clotting pool on the ground behind you. And as it

pools, it begins to grow eyes. Ew. Tendon snap. You think he's in... You think that he's in deep shit. Oh, what happened? Hi. Before you attack him again, just

a note that he looks like he's in deep shit, but yes, as you were. There's an eye growing out of the ichor? It's beginning to form into what looks like some sort of being with eyes. Oh, no. I'm gonna fucking stab that thing now. Okay.

Fuck that. Ronnie doesn't... Shadow Ganon's gonna show up afterwards. Ronnie doesn't roll with shit like that. Okay. Sounds good. Nah, just a... Oh, yeah. Advantage, right? Am I flanking it?

You are not. Not it. It's not currently in flanking contact with anybody. Oh, I thought because of the... I was flanking.

Okay. Well, it doesn't hit him then. Flank him. I'm pulling up the Uzi thing's stats. What did you roll? I rolled an eight. Okay.

Well, this is a gibbering mouther. I'm sorry? Yeah, you heard me. Just talking about gibbering mouther. Gibbering mouther?bering Mouth? Gross. So yeah, its AC is pretty low. Is it Gibbering Mother? I love that I'm like, that sounds made up.

And then it's like, oh yeah, all this is made up. Oh, you know, just checking out the little, you know, little tunnels underneath your house. I just found a nest of gibbering mouthers. It's going to run you about $350. You're going to have to tent your house. I hope they kill the rats. You brought in

mouthers to take care of the rats. Do I kill the gibbering mouser? You hit it. Oh, cool. So roll your damage. It keeps saying out, stop it. It's got an AC of nine. 11 points. Dunkey.

All right. It just keeps saying Dunkey. Dunkey. Dunkey. Dunkey. Cool. So you slash at it. And I'm going to move your token, kind of scoot just one brick to the right.

Because that'll get you in range. Melanie knew a girl in high school who tried to do a report on Donkey Odie, but couldn't find any information on Donkey Odie. That's going to be my roller girl named donkey odie that from garfield donkey hody is a very uh we'll just say a strange member of od's family what was uh the result of some what was that galifianakis joke about about Odie? I don't know. What was it?

I don't know. Something funny, I'm betting. Yeah, that's right. Knowing Zach, he's a rascal. There's no way to know. His fucking stand-up was so funny. Yeah. Everything is funny.

All right, well, you slashed into both of these fuckfaces. I think that's going to do it for you, yes? Yeah. What did I do to the to the gibbering fuck face? Well, it is an aberration that you have sliced into. It is starting to grow toothy maws.

It looks like it's pretty slow in its reaction to you, but it is terrifying to behold. If you like, I will just spill all the beans and drop but it is terrifying to behold. If you like, I will just spill all the beans and drop what it is in the chat so you can sort of observe it. Hell, it's like the finale

battle. Why not? So instead of keeping that a mystery, the listeners can sure look this up. So why not, y'all? Pretend you're just hanging out at the table with me and I'm showing you the master manual. I wouldn't worry, guys. It's only a medium aberration. Oh, interesting.

Just medium. It looks like the thing. Kind of does. It used to be like dog bodies coming off of it. Have you seen the NECA thing figure? It looks awesome. Yeah, I did. Rhodes wants it too. Spittle,

gibbering. Okay, so it is going to first hawk a chemical glob at you, Brian. Can you please do a dexterity

saving throw? Yeah. You got this, Brian. Thanks. You can do it, Noonan. And that you're... Brett. Brett. Your other character, Chris,

Crackets, that you play. Oh, Willie Crackets. Yeah. I get that voice in my head. He's not helpful. Just doing stuff in life, he'll show up. That's the way he works.

I know. I just want to do an improv podcast with Tallman because his voices are fucking amazing. What do you think he is? He's like Rich Big. Alright. Well's like, rich big. All right. Well, sadly, this glob of chemicals is going to splat you right across the face.

You all see this cloud of glittering ooze kind of explode off of Ronnie's face. You are now blinded until the end of the Mouser's next turn. Great. Yuck. Blinded by the light? now blinded until the end of the Mouser's next turn. Great. Yuck. Blinded by the light?

Also blinded by the light. Ripped up like a deuce. Another rumor in the night. Yep. He is now going to bite you. Set up like a deuce. Ugh. A Laura Loomer in the night. That's a 17 to hit, Brian.

Is that a hit? Maybe. Yeah, it's 16 armor class. Okay. So he starts chewing on you. God damn it. Gross. I didn't chew it on.

Hey, you knew it was going to get weird. This is the big boss fight, y'all. Fucking gibbering. That'd be 15 points of piercing damage. Oh boy. Yikes. Can you now do a strength saving throw? Yeah. Hold on. Let me... I will hold on.

I like you. Get rid of those 15 points there. You know, my mom always told me not to look at the sun. Do strength saving throw. I'm sorry. Strength saving throw? Yeah. It's where the eclipse is.

Oh, fuck. Rolling low. Yeah. It's actually a bocce boo. Isn't it? Well, it's a one plus six. Okay. So you are knocked prone. You are now on your back.

And it is not quite doing it yet, but it is trying to swallow you. So it's kind of smacking its mouth. It's managed to go. I need help, guys. It lacks the ability and speed to just like bite and gulp at the same time. Help your team leader, you guys. Who?

Ronnie. Oh, now you're the leader. Up next is gonna be Orcus. Orcus from Orcus. I just went to Boulder where Orc from Orc lived. It's such a cool little town.

Was Conrad Bain there? Sure. Did you meet Exidor? No. And I didn't go by the music store but I really wanted to. Oh yeah. Yeah, this outdoor mall that's still there.

That's cool. But I went to a great comic book shop called Time Warp and signed. Blaine, can you declare for me how far underground are you digging as your earth elemental form? Well, I was still holding on to his

balls, right? So you're like underneath them still. Yeah, and stretching them underground and holding on to his balls, right? So you're like underneath him still. Yeah, and stretching them underground and holding on to them. As well. Like a taffy pole. I really miss doing this campaign with you guys. It's been a few weeks.

Stretched balls. Taffy pole. I don't know if you mentioned it that way last time. Maybe you did, but that is just, that is the best visual. Like you get down the shorts. And saying he sat in gum. Yeah.

No. No. I had his balls in a photograph for like at least a whole year before I noticed that they were in the photograph. It was a bunch of us at Bumper Shoot years ago.

Blaine, Orcus is going to attempt to grab you by the head. Can you do a strength saving throw, please? Yes. 14 plus 3, 17. Okay. And he is rolling... He has a bonus of 8 to this. Being 18.

Alright, so he's going to grab your head. Wait a minute, let me see it, because I'm a... I might have a different strength as an elemental. Well, yeah, and you know what? Actually, roll a strength check. Did I just tell you saving throw? That's because my mouth is used to saying it. If you could make sure you're doing a strength check and not saving throw, there might be a strength check. Did I just tell you saving throw? That's because my mouth is used to saying it. If you could make sure you're doing a strength check and not a saving throw, there might be a slight difference.

Okay, well, my strength is a 20, so that's a plus five. So that was a 14 plus. So 20. The 19. 14 plus five is 19. All right, so you actually did manage. You managed to sort of, you know, whip your head back and forth,

swat him away as he tries to grab you by the skull. Of course. He is now going to try to stab you with his tail. But they just can't kill the beast. to stab you with his tail. But they just can't kill the beast. Last thing I remember, I was... What's your armor class? I'm doing a CBS parking lot. What's your armor class?

Armor class is 17, natural armor. Fucking eagles, man. Just checking to see if you got an automatic success, because this is brutal. Not the eagles, man. 34 to hit. I would say that's double my armor class. Okay.

He's wearing a huge shirt. Oh, I have damage resistance from bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from non-magical attacks. Okay, well, this is going to be force and poison. You're making that up. No. Okay. Let's have rat and poison together.

Oh, I have immunity to poison. Nice. Oh, that's lovely. Then we'll skip that part, but you are going to now take 3d8 plus 8 force damage. Okay. Are you reading about Star Wars, Brian? Yeah, Brian, what's going on?

Brian's taking a break. Discussing up on some old poetry? It's going to be 30 points of force damage as he smashes you with his tail. Okay. That's about as high as that tail attack can go, so you know, other than a crit um that will bring us i think to your turn i'm just double checking because orcas is in rough ass shape

and i want to give him as many chances as you can to fuck you all up um it sounds like you're favoring orcas dan i'm fucking kill this guy, you guys It's rude of me what I'm doing. Blaine, you are up Okay, well I'm still underground holding his ball sack slung over my shoulder like a continental soldier

and I'm going to kind of go horizontal under the ground Why not? While I'm holding his balls, I'm going to do a curly and I'm going to kind of go horizontal under the ground. Why not? While I'm holding his balls, I'm going to do a curly. And I'm going to... And I'm going to start to wind it up like a rubber band propeller on a balsa wood plane. A curly. The Cousin Trialligator ball.

Yeah. Yeah, and I'm just going to twist them off. Oh, my God. Yeah. And they'll get thinner and thinner and then come off like silly putty. I will tell you, your next, so this is going to be,

hmm, this is tough for me to gauge what to even make you roll for this shit. Why don't we just make it a contested strength throw? This is like a Looney Tunes save. So roll a strength strike like you did last time to try to dodge his grip. 15 plus five, 20. Nice.

Ooh. He gets the plus eight to his, because he has a 27 strength. 19, boy, up here. So not only will this succeed strength. 19. Boi. Peer. A peer. So, not only will this succeed, because so many people wrote me that I did not give you

credit for your last crit, I'm going to count this as a crit. I'm going to have you double your dice damage on as nuts as you curly. Wow. Scrotal crit. We will treat the fact that that is a crit. Is it an emotion? So, um... Scrotal Crit? We will treat the fact that that is... Scrotal Crit.

Is it... Scrotal Crit. Which band is... Revolting Cox movie? Yeah, well, yeah, it was the original Revolting Cox members. Or Mr. Bungle. Sounds like a member of... He is a member.

So what's the what am I rolling here dice wise stupid joke you're stupid I like it I do like it but I don't like it let's do 3d8 plus 8 and double that dice damage boss

3d8 I do love that for like listeners it's like 2 months Double that dice damage, boss. 3d8. I do love that for listeners, it's like two months of Blaine just wailing on some guy's walls. Like week after week. It's what his standup fans have always dreamed of. So fun. We also call it Wednesday.

11 plus eight, 19. All right, so 19 points of damage, and now also belated, please roll a d100 oh a d100 and something belated wailing on balls I'll skip what I was going to say

23? yes okay so this is only going to do another d6 damage but please do another D6 damage. I'd love to. How about one? I'll tell you what. The nuts aren't popping off,

but he raises both fists to the sky and says, My masculinity means so little to me, and yet here we are. That's nothing to do with masculinity and everything to do with torsion of the testicle. Oh, torsion.

That'll knock anybody out. All right. Then I think... Torsion over the testicles. Are you going to use any movement? You got a bonus shit you want to do or are you elemental about? I think I'm just going to do that.

I mean, do I get another... I do get multi-attack. I get two slam attacks. Hey. Would that count as a slam attack? If you're doing a curly, that counts as your action. So I'm saying like if you got a bonus action, yeah. But multi-attack is like something else you can do with your action

Yeah, I will yeah, I will just sort of remain going clockwise slowly underground with this Take a look at that clip we should we should get some merch where we look up like are there any custom We should get some merch where we look up, like, are there any custom satchels that we can make look like Orcus's nuts that people can carry around their water bottle in? Nice. What you got in there? Deez. A dice bag.

Oh, Orcus's nuts dice bag. Oh, my God. I'm going to mail that shit to myself. Find a font quick. Guess what, Chris? Yes. Dice nuts. Dungeons, Diners,

Drivens and Dragons. Is that what that one is? I love that shirt. Please, take your turn. Oh, that's a great shirt. Question. When Donnie stabbed Orcus

in the arm, he didn't take the arm off, right? No, but he caused what looked like a, we'll just say, permanent amount of damage. And was it a particular arm of Orcus's? There's one... His left. Is that the one that's folding the wand?

No. Shit. I'm going to... Friar Jolly sees that his leader is in trouble, so he's going to run up, I guess it would be, I'll try and get, like, here,

so I'm next to Ronnie, but still some space between me and the gibbering mouther. I'm going to grab, I guess, onto part of Ronnie that's not the gibbering mouth there. I'm going to grab, I guess, onto part of Ronnie that's not being gibbered. And I'm going to

cast Cure Wounds at third level. So, Ronnie, you're going to get back 17 hit points. Nice. Thank you. And then I guess I'm just going to try and keep my hands after touching him to cast a spell. I'm going to keep my hands

on whatever part of Ronnie because you said it's trying to like swallow him. It's not really an action so much as but like I'm just grabbing onto Ronnie to try and keep the thing from getting any more of my- Thanks, pal. I'm trying to get a leader out of that mouth.

I'm going to grab Quint while he's halfway in the shark's mouth. There you go. I'm going to pull him out. Somebody should have. Okay. He tried his hand slip. You're still prone because it uses a full action

to pick a dude up off the ground, but he has got you in his arms lovingly, and he has healed you. Now I had the time of my life! Alright, and Fizzbort,

formerly Maltharil, thank you to everybody who wrote in and answered my trivia question, has blipped out. He is currently mysteriously absent. So he takes some action that you cannot currently see. And we head on over to another map with Winifred Wintergem. Did you come into the tunnels on this map? Can you remind me?

I think I did. I think I was like made myself invisible and then was gonna try to like get close enough to be able to communicate with them. Okay, I'm not seeing your token. Are you seeing your token? I don't see it on this map. You see it? It's right here.

Ah, okay. That's a new one I made as a backup. Yeah, that's not. So I'm putting Sarah's control, you should be able to use it, Sarah, if you want to place it about where you are starting your turn. Well, have I seen,

I think I hadn't seen like that drow in the entranceway that I saw on the first time. I think I had just like started moving. Cause you said I only had like 15 feet of movement per- Well, are you on the other map? I'm on, right now I'm on just the regular map that everyone else is on. We have gone to the other map before.

Yeah, that's why I'm just gonna, well, cause your question was, did you see her? And- Yeah, I had just moved. Yeah, yeah, I'm on the other map. So I'm just inside the tunnel now, I see. Got it, so yeah, that's where you are. And the reason I asked and why i wanted to clarify is because you don't know if she's here or not you didn't round that corner right but this is

where she was last so i've left all right well i mean like unfortunately i can only move with this like i just don't have a lot of i've made some weird bad choices maybe i don't know maybe they were good time will tell but uh right now i don't know. Maybe they were good. Time will tell. But right now I don't really have any other choice other than to just keep keeping on. So I guess I'll just continue to move, but I can only move 15 feet. So I'm going to come in here towards the fountain. Didn't the fountain do something good for us? Healing hit points. It gave us all like plus five or something. Right. Oh yeah. Temporary five. I still have those temporary five.

So, all right. So I'll just... Have you not been hit? No. Fancy. I don't think so. That's a secret. Or if I did, I healed myself. Okay. So I'm, yeah, I'm just rounding the corner just slowly. I'm trying to make my way just so people understand, not the players, but not the characters. And

I'm just trying to get close enough that I can send a message so you guys know where I went. And that I have the mantle safe away from Orcus. Once you've destroyed Orcus, then we can move on to the next thing. So you only move 15 feet, so this is going to be

about 50 feet on this map. And then you include the other map, which we're going to blip over to. Boop, boop, boop. I mean, I'm just really. Where's the food court from here? I'm just doing that. Here's the restrooms.

So you're still. In order to get through the rock. Yeah, it's like too much. Like I can't. It's 180 feet to queep, basically. Yeah, it's like too much. Like I can't. It's 180 feet to queep, basically.

Well, the message can, I can, the message sending is far, but it can't go through. Like once there's like a foot of rock, I think I can't send it through. Yeah, and there's a couple dozen feet of rock at this point. Yeah, I know. I know. What do you want me to do? Win. Isn't this great, everybody?

Here we are, all of us together, fighting orcas. I mean, do you want me to bring back the mantle of the Tenebrous one for him to put on his head? I can't hear you. You've run away to another place. All right. All right, so... He has this crown on your head as soon as I get back. Good, good, good, good, good.

But do you... I want to honor your wishes. Do you have any kind of other teleportation spell that you can want to honor your wishes do you have any kind of other teleportation spell that you can use to get closer and if I did you'd never leave the house but I don't okay

oh the only thing I wonder if I can get do I have anything where I can get a spell slot back let me see that's definitely possible as a bard I don't whether you have it Do I have anything where I can get a spell slot back? Let me see. That's definitely possible as a bard. So... I don't... Whether you have it... Charms, magic secrets.

Nothing I can see right now. No, go on. Move on without me. There's nothing I can do. You're welcome for taking the crown away, but that's... You're welcome. Now I'm out of the game. Goodbye.

Oh. Sarah, quit, you guys. Wow. Click. Okay. Then that will take us next in our turn order to

queep. Pardon me for a moment while I bring that other map around. A little bit of bloop. I was trying to think of a quarter mass in the pit reference for the thing earlier, but now I've forgotten what that was referencing. The thing? I had to say it out loud. You had to reference yourself to death.

Yeah. Oh, God. That's what Hoagie said. You know, Hoagie Carmichael in the Midwest is called Slider Carmichael. We'll be right back. We have a Patreon supporter named HulkHoagie420. That's what that reminds me of. HulkHoagie420. Welcome to the 21st

century. Alright, Queeps. Yes! I have presents for the mouthy, whatever the fuck you bring, mouther. You're going to try and spook him? Intimidating presence. Oh.

You have a case of the spooks? Yeah, I'd like to. Okay, so he has to roll a saving throw? Yeah, wisdom. Okay. That'll be a 14. Dang. 12 is...

So I will attack that instead. You're attacking the toothy boy? Yes, sir. You're going to scooch closer? Are you going to... No, I got my flying axe. Alright.

As we have previously discussed, his AC is 9, so he's not incredibly hard to hit. He's just a real shitty thing to be near. So that's a crit. Yeah! Oh, baby! 25. Baby, baby, roll them dice.

Uh, 11. For the first attack awesome get him and then we'll try this again also for anyone 21 oh and also ahead anyone who's looked this up gibbering mouth or has an unpleasant amount of hit points well terrible no unpleasant no way that's a 13 points oh so you are chopping at his at his teeth mouths and they are flying in little chunks everywhere but he is he is uh just simply like a couple of eyes skitter across his flesh and point towards you as you chop into him. The eyes move across his flesh? Yes.

That's horrible. Jesus. More of a gibbering either. Right? Folks! Alright, anything else for you, Queep? I'm good. Oh, I'm glad to hear that. I'll go back to

chill. My best to you and your fam. So then... Pew, pew. Up, up, up. Pew, pew, pew. Pew, pew. Pew, pew. Up next is Gus, who is going to...

Pew, pew, pew. Gus has gone up here to the north, past this chamber gate with Hoshinka. And y'all are not sure what's going on there it does remind me I need to put Hoshinka back in the turn order they're probably doing like 7 minutes in heaven meow

hey uh how about that Shakespeare huh who knew he was such a great bass player and Jimi Hendrix of course everybody else here in the heaven house band Leonard Cohen. Ronnie is up. Betty White.

You got it, leader! Cool. You're still blinded and on your back. But, you're being held lovingly by Friar Jolly. I've got you in my arms.

Is the fucking Iker thing still there? Yes. Is it still attacking me? Yes. Every time I hear Bob Iger, every time anyone says Iker, I hear Bob Iger. Well, you know what? It's basically the same thing. Same creature.

Would I be able to sense where it is, even though I'm blind? You would be attacking with disadvantage. You would be aware also that if you don't pick yourself up, some nasty shit might happen and you're still blind. Okay, I'm going to pick myself up then. I'm going to get off the ground first. Which uses half your movement,

but I don't know that you want to run away anyway. You are healed pretty significantly by a Fragile. Cool. So yeah, you can take a swing at Orcus or the Gibbering Mouth there. They're both within range right now, and Orcus is flanked. All that being

said, yes. You're blind. I'm going to take a slash at Orcus. Roll a disadvantage, please. I really want someone to roll a disadvantage and get a crit someday. That's just the greatest thing. Negative six. Eighteen and eleven.

Yeah, that's sadly a miss. But is there anything else you can do? 18 and 11. Yeah, that's sadly a miss. Okay. But, is there anything else you can do? I'm going to, you know, try to help you out and pull up your character sheet so I can... I'm reading about the gibbering mouther here. It says, the ground in a 10-foot

radius around the mouther is doe-like difficult terrain. Everybody's speed is reduced, but it's... Yeah, it hasn't come totally into effect in that it hasn't affected anybody's movement yet because no one's tried to go very far,

but Friar Jal, you would have noticed that. I'm gonna do a flurry of blows as a bonus action. Nice. I love what you're saying to me. Try a Buster Bar if that doesn't work. We'll be right back. This is a melee attack.

Yeah, what did it come... Did you roll with disadvantage, sadly? Oh, even for that? Yeah, boss, you're blind. There's an increased chance of you just going like this. They're not showing up on my screen. I see them on my screen. Oh, they are?

What's not showing up? Your roll or the attack? Oh, so I had a 22 and a 15. Sadly, Orgus's AC is 17 so that's a miss well I rolled unarmed strike instead of flurry of blows let me roll because it is technically

but it is plus 7 ok okie dokes I think that's going to do it for you unless you'd like to shout out something in defiance no bless you

bless you in defiance sigh sigh hiya hiya it is now the gibbering mouthers turn oh it's gonna do 10 on pronouns.

I mean... I have a bit in my act about people who do bits about pronouns that shit is so fucking played out. Yeah, Blaine, what the fuck? Boo. Hey, don't blame me. Blame the black box. He's gonna try to bite you.

Brian. It's a five to hit, so he misses. And let's see. Ha ha. He does not have access to... Blinding Spittle is going to take another few turns before he can use it again.

So he's... He's out of Blinding Spittle for the moment. What the fuck is happening? That's actually Benedict Cumberbatch's real name. Changed it to Benedict Cumberbatch. From Blythe and Spittle.

Shinka's gonna go and then Orcus is up. Orcus is real upset about these nuts. And we'll get to that. Which nuts? These. Ah. Quick note though. Brian, you managed to wipe the ooze out of your eyes

and you can see again. Sweet. It's a miracle. Brian, you managed to wipe the ooze out of your eyes and you can see again. Nice. Sweet. It's a miracle. He's going to try and grab at your head again, Blaine. So can you roll a... Hmm. We're going to...

I'm trying to think what the best way to do this. He is trying to grapple you. So yeah, let's just do another tested strength check, please. You and me? Yeah, boss. You rolled a 26. Okay. Beetlejuice.

I rolled a 17 plus five. So 22. Okay. So he just beat you. That's a really high roll, but he's a real asshole. I should have eaten all that buttered toast before I changed into an elemental.

Buttered toast. He is going to... Buttered toast. He's going to now squeeze your head. Oh, yikes! Which one? squeeze your head. Oh, yikes. Which one? Dirty. His skull head.

You dirty boy. Either one of those, to be honest. TBH. TBPH. All right, you're going to take 22 points of force damage as he squeezes your head. Okay. And you hear the crunch of rock.

Everybody as Orcus grabs. You've still got him grappled by the nutsplain, but all that being said, as long as he also has you grappled, you can't curly. Okay. He is also now going to try to smash you with his tail again. Okay. Okay.

Sure. I'm going to assume he hits. It's a plus 16 to hit, so... Unless he botches. It's 20. And you're immune to poison still, right? You haven't popped out of elemental form from that last crunch? No, I'm immune to poison.

Okay, so this is going to be... Exhaustion, paralyzed, petrified, poisoned, unconscious. Just more force damage then. Bludgeoning, piercing, slashing. 26 points of force damage as its tail smashes in you. Okay. All right, we're getting there. Oh, boy.

Getting there, you guys. Speaking of getting there, it's your turn. Oh, it is? Yeah, and you know, like, let's be clear about the physics of all of this. Again, he's got you by the head with one hand. You've got him by the physics of all of this. Again, he's got you by the head with one hand. You've got him by the, the nards over your shoulder. And he has these,

I'd say on your turn, you've managed to curly like a solid, like six, you know, one per second. So, so he's, there are six twists on his now not easily twistable nards.

So it's still kind of, it's still kind of twisted. Also remember he has a row of them like dog nipples. So it's still kind of twisted. Also, remember, he has a row of them like dog nipples. So, you know, he's a demon and has unfortunate anatomy. We'll see. Not according to Mrs. Orcus.

I'm going to... Oh, so I can't... So he's got me firmly by the head. Oh, yeah. You can try to break free with a strength check. I would like to try to break free. Okay. Let's do a strength check.

Strength check. And you have won this with him before. Forget what I said about the strength check, Dan. Let's just forget I said anything about that. Well, he critted his... Roll a three. He rolled a 28, so I think he may have beat you. All right, cool.

So I'm just going to... You still bonus action, maybe? I'm going to... Can I just punch his balls? Like I'm doing this with my... Only if you've got some kind of melee bonus, because you just used your action to try to get your head out of his hand.

Your skull head. Okay, I don't think I have any other things I could do except maybe try to, you know, I can't do anything. Okay. Yike. That'll take us to Friar Jolly. Dan, I have a dexterity question.

One of my spells is a dexterity DC save thing. Because Orcus is held by his balls to the ground, would that potentially affect his dexterity saving throw? Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. He would be rolling with disadvantage. Cool. Alright, so I'm going to shift my focus

from the gibbering mouther to orcus and I'm going to do sacred flame. So it's a flame-like radiance with descend and Orcus has to make a DC 17 dexterity

saving throw. Cool. I guess a disadvantage. And just a reminder to listeners, because Orcus does not have as much power as he normally does, he's sort of like in a revived state from having been destroyed. He is not operating at his full normal dnd beyond stats but he is close and he has a lot of hit points so um he's plus two to dex and here they come one it's 13 this is. Alright, so he will take

by failing that radiant damage 3d8 plus 5. So he takes 18 points of radiant damage as I call the sacred flame from the heavens down upon his

unholy head. And it looks like a layer of demon dermis just gets ripped off of him as he shields his face from the radiant light and just little flecks of flesh fly off as the light hits him. What was it? From the dermatologist from heaven.

I wonder what kind of duck would say flecks of flesh. Fly off. No, that's Donald. Okay, and so it looks like Malthorl slash Fizzbort is off doing something

and it will be when a Fred Wintergem turns on the next episode of Nerdy Pokes. Sam Kieferd. Hi. Alright, this episode of Nerdy Pokes. Sam Kieferd. Hi. Hi. All right. This episode, we're battling Orcus.

Ronnie's blinded by ooze and being bit. Fire Jolly cast Cure Wounds and helped him out. Winifred's in the tunnels. Ronnie's on his back and blind. Ronnie's up swinging at Orcus. And Fire Jolly's using Sacred Flame on Orcus. Well, there you have it. Very Orcus-centric.

At least there were no doors yeah no doors no climbing up a boat thank christ remember that nine days oh boy anybody got any shit to plug yeah keep an eye out for my stand-up comedy dates. I'm doing a bunch in LA. I think this is coming out next Monday. So I'll have just done a bunch, but I'll be doing more. And I will be in Boston and New York City soon. So if you're in those areas, please keep an eye out for those dates as they become published.

Blaine, are you wanting to plug your Lucha stuff? Lucha Boom at the Mayan Theater in Los Angeles, August 18th. And then again in Las Vegas at the House of Blues at the Mandalay Bay Casino in exchange for this announcement in October. Wow. Nice. I got the Beat Kitchen in Chicago in the end of September. I've got the end of this month, August the 21st, I believe, at the improv on a Monday.

Me and Patton Oswalt and Sarah Silverman were getting the team back together. So that's a fucking I just did sets with them last month and it was so fun because as blaine can tell you uh we've all been friends very very long time we were kids when we met blaine yeah you mean batten 30 years ago yeah driving yosemite talking about steven seagal like i've known the three of you guys. I knew Sarah when she was 18 years old. It's fucking crazy. So there's a lot of there's a lot of history at our shows. And it was so it was one of the funnest times I've had on stage recently because to be surrounded by those two guys those two hilarious people

and then BrianPersine.com for more tour dates I've got Johnny Taylor our guest on their current bonus episodes he and I have San Francisco coming up Cobbs always fun come have House of Nanking with me

and then what else? Oh, Scotch McTiernan vs. the Forces of Evil is available at all your comic shops. Or if you're lazy, Amazon. Miss Jackson if you're nasty. Anybody else? Blaine, what's happening next week? We attribute the success to save mankind from... Thanks for joining us on this epi...

You got walls and a roof? Well... On next episode, North Poco, Korok finds Louise in cave with best friend Krom. Hear Krom say, it's not what you think. Hear Golrock say, what is think? Hear Louise say, when I get back to 2023, I'm going straight to Best Buy and getting my money back to this time machine. All this at our Nerd Poker Fantasy Pickleball Picks on the next

Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box one six zero six nine Encino,

California, nine one four one six. Thanks for listening.