Nerd Poker - S5E53 Hasty Exit

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

The mood has shifted for testicular-pulverization-reasons (no spoilers!) and its time to make a fast retreat from the battlefield. Hopefully only 5 or 6 NPCs will be left behind! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint. You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker.

Episode 53. If you're counting, then we are. My friends are here. Blaine. Hey, hi. Hey, buddy My friends are here. Blaine. Hey, hi. Hey, buddy. Sarah's here. Hi, hello.

Hello. Dan. Buenos dias. So blonde. I know. You liking it? Feels good. Right on it? Feels good. Right on.

Ken's here. Howdy do. Hey, pal. Hey. And right above him, if you're going Brady Bunch squares and we are, it's Chris Tallman. Hi, I'm like Sam the Butcher. Bringing Alice the meat. Fred Flintstone running around on four feet.

Who went one way, I went the other. Thanks to Sam. And Sam's here. Hey, buddy. Hello, sweet children. How are you, man? I'm good.

Good, good. Dog relaxing. Yep. He's here. Nice. My buddy. You have a nice poop? Oh, he's just staring.

He did. He did. He had a nice poop, and now he's pooped. Good. Takes a lot out of you. Yeah, literally. What's up, Mavis? Mavis is here too. We should jump in.

Let's. I think we shall. And we're going to start by thanking our Patreon supporters who go by usernames like Morden Canaan's Foam of Toes. Ew. Yeah, it's kind of... Don't know what it means, but it sounds gross.

Toe foam. Thank you, Mr. Pribs. Thank you, Joe Beck. Thank you, Amanda Bird. Thank you, Mike Kribier, who me and Brian just saw in San Diego. Thank you, Lube Ooze. Thank you, Nathan Plunkett.

Thank you, Joshua Stone. Thank you, Matt Carter. Thank you, Craig Willis. Thank you, Moose from Jersey. And finally, Thank you, Matt Carter. Thank you, Craig Willis. Thank you, Moose from Jersey. And finally, thank you, The Smashing Blumpkins. Oh, no. Nice. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters

brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by TGAI Friday Jack Daniel's Chicken for sure. The family will love to drink and eat our food. Our real food. Only served for you when you decide.

Friends say I agree to TGAI Fridays. Damn. Thanks, Blaine. That voice just triggers something in me that makes me shudder. I think it's time to talk about what happened last time on NerdPoker. Ronnie

cut the shoulder open on Orcus and out splooged an ooze beast known as a gibbering mouth mouther? Ugh. I don't even like saying that. It's like that Blaine voice. Jesus Christ. Winifred is still in deep on the other side of a tunnel too far to communicate her current standing with the mantle of the tenebrous one and fire Jolly has already begun celebrating her exit from this group and perhaps

this life we now take you to the combat already progress It's hard to tell a joke all the way through if in the middle Chris laughs, because then you just are like, oh, that laugh. That beautiful laugh. I don't think I wanted her to die. No, but you're celebrating her life because she may as well be dead, right? Yeah, I think Farjali's under the impression that we're all together celebrating this big fight and how great it'll be to hear Winifred's description of it. Theatrically.

Surprise, bitch. Listeners. She had her camera off and then came in on surprise, bitch. So that was terrifying and delightful. Your turn, Sarah.

I wish I could do it in the game. I would love to pop back in right now. Sit on that one. You gotta use it. But I don't think it's gonna happen because... So I did figure out that I can... I guess I can upcast a spell, even if it doesn't do anything. I could cast a

4th level spell at a 5th level, which would allow me to use Dimension Door, but I only have it once. I don't wanna... I was gonna pop back in and fight, but I don't wanna bring the thing back but i don't want to leave the thing behind because that seems like a bad idea so i'm just letting you know my thought process guys uh i've adjusted the map to do yeah thank you for changing the map um because I'm not really exactly sure what to do. So... Put on that crown. What? Just put it on.

Put on that crown. Yeah, I don't think I want to put it on though. I don't think I want to become like an evil demon lord. Isn't that what happens if I do that? I mean, it ruins season three, but yeah, it could. I'm sure it could happen that. Orcus can't get it if you're wearing it. True.

Oh, I'm so tempted to just put it on right now, I guess I could happen that. Orcus can't get it if you're wearing it. True. Oh. I'm so tempted to just put it on right now, but I just feel like that's so game-breaking. She would never. First of all, it is absolutely not game-breaking. I have pages of what could happen that I've been sitting on for two and a half years. Look, I'm trying to role-play, and there's

no way that Winifred would do that. Although you did actually just age her 20 years and she is an actor. So she might've taken that real hard. I don't know. That's true. Could the mantle of the Tenebrous one de-age her?

The mantle of the Botoxterous one. Yeah, sorry, go ahead. Insight check, insight check. Yeah, please. Freebie insight check. Give me some insight. Oh, great dungeon master. Did I remember to start recording?

Yes, I did. That is a 21. Oh, balls. That sounds like a lot of information I can throw your way. You would know, especially because you have studied the ice five and their tragic adventure with the mantle of the Tenebris one. It is likely that it involves a lot of stress on you. If you put it on,

however, it would bind you to it for an extremely long period of time or until your death, whichever comes first so you're pretty sure you could survive if you were lucky and

the part that's a little unclear is does it involve driving you mad because I don't play the game where good and evil exist in the same sense that it used to in previous editions of dnd it's that that part i try to leave to you but i could make your character lose their grip on reality in such a way that you no longer have any agency and

go on your your own way and then you would be able to be like okay i will continue to play this character as evil or uh i will uh hand control over to the universe of this game well it's not called the mantle of the joyful giving selfless one right i mean there's a there's a general it wouldn't be game breaking but it would have it would have dire consequences. It would, although perhaps give you the ability to squish Orcus easier or get out of here without dying. Chris is making all of these hand gestures that indicate that he wants this mantle for himself. It's very dramatic.

He wants to put it on, so... And this is deliberately a possible relief of tension from the end of season three if we see anything happen with the mantle if we forget we even have it that will help no one but yes um we are pausing

Blaine what is this pause brought to us by uh this pause is uh brought to us by Antimans Quantum Danish Antimans Antimans does whenever by Antimans Quantum Danish. Antimans, Antimans, does whenever an Antikans. Antimans Quantum Danish, Dan.

Sarah. Hi again. Okay, so all that I feel comfortable doing right now is my choices are basically, okay, here's what I'm going to do. My choices are basically to slowly make my choices are basically to slowly make

my way back uh or to upcast dimension door and just come back with the thing or without the thing those are my three choices I guess so or I'm not putting it on so um except you could so I

guess that I'm going to I'm going to... I'm invisible. I'm gonna... And you guys don't want... I can't ask you. I can't ask you. I'm just gonna keep walking in the tunnel.

Blink twice if yes. No. Nobody's yes. No. Nobody's blinking. Okay. I'm gonna I'm gonna transport back without it?

I'm gonna transport back with it. Nobody's blinking at all which is really unknowable. Flip a coin or roll a dice. Roll a dice evens odds. It's called a die. I absolutely shouldn't tell you. I'm supposed to

be impartial. I know. Okay, so there's nowhere for me to hide it. Untrue. Haven't looked. I'm just going to keep... I did look, but it's all like tombs and things. I'm not putting a 10 first 1 mantle inside a coffin. Remember when tubes and

things used to be next to the Spencer's gift? Yeah. So I remember when tubes and things just used to be next to the sensors. Yeah. My girlfriend worked at tubes and things. Yeah. Mine was next to

an orange Julius. I just don't want this to all have been a waste. You know what I'm saying? But, um, you could

there. Okay. Here's what I'm gonna do. I got it. No, I got it. I got it. I got it.

No, I'm doing. Okay. What I'm going to do. I got it. I got it. Fig. I got it. I got it. No, I'm doing. Okay, what I'm going to do. I got it. I got it. Figured it out. I figured it out. This is going to be great.

I am going to dimension door. Dimension door? Up the casting close to the actual entrance to the room as opposed to inside the room. And then I'm going to leave it outside the room and come inside and help you guys. Does that make sense? Heck yeah. Dan, does that make sense to you? It makes sense.

I'm just pulling up the map. Now I think I need to see the other... I have moved the map. Okay, it's not... I'm reloading. Yeah, we'll Give it a refresh. Okay. So what I'm going to do is I'd like to appear.

I'd like to appear in that hallway outside of the pink mist zone, but right there, basically, you know, got it. Like, like maybe far enough back that you're not in any danger of it touching you like that far or like even far.

Yeah. Well, unfortunately roll 20. It keeps telling me my browser is not supported, but I'm trying. Okay. Yeah. So like, how do I ping? There's like, there's sort of a big and a small pillar and a chasm behind the pink mist too. So yeah, I want to, I want to be... Can I move this token? Yeah, okay. I'm going to be like right... I'm going to try to dimension door to like right here.

Okay. I'm going to try not to do any orcish chasm jokes. And you're bringing the mantle and you're going to tuck it away. I'm going to do my best to do that and maybe talk to the plants about it, but we'll see. So you blast out of existence and reappear to do my best to do that and maybe talk to the plants about it, but we'll see. So, you

blast out of existence and reappear outside the pink mist. The pink mist has settled significantly. You see little pink sparkles in the air, but it is no longer like a fine fog that is clouding the lining of that hall. Okay, great. Do I have any

more agency on this turn or am I done? You haven't used any of your movements, have you? Then I'm gonna... Depends if Dimension Door uses an action, bonus action, etc. I'm gonna leave the mantle just floating here

and I'm just gonna duck inside to pick up the fight with these guys. I'll come back for it. I'm gonna just loop back for the mantle later. If you like, I will allow as a bonus action for you to roll a check and see if you can hide it in where it is and not just leave it floating in the middle. Thank you.

I would love that. I, it was, it was invisible when it was with me, but probably not anymore after the dimension door. Um, it'll be a deception check to try to hide it. Okay.

So I'm rolling a deception check? Yeah, boss. Okay, here I go. I rolled a four, but I have a plus 13. So that's a 17. Hey, it was in your wheelhouse. It could have been worse. So I'm going to say...

Yeah. And you were tugging it around with Mage Hand, correct? No, I think I just had the rope, because I had a rope looped through it. That's right, you lassoed. You lassoed it. So I'm going to say with the 17, you're pretty sure that you can

kind of like glide it into those blue crystals growing out of the cavern wall and kind of like smash around it or maybe kind of like like you know what I mean like so the crystals kind of fall around it and create a little bit of crystal dust on it or around it

or you could oh it's just one of your options why would I mention it so casually as it seems like nothing could happen or you could kind it's just one of your options why would i mention it so casually as it seems like nothing could happen or you could kind of uh lasso jam it just into some rocks um okay um using my i'm gonna i'm gonna lasso jam it into some rocks but um using my uh skills and craft as an actor. And my, my extensive prop work as I was coming up in my, you're really fighting for an extra dive on techniques,

workshops. I worked, you know, doing all kinds of stuff, lighting, like weird rig type stuff, props. I had to take mandatory craft classes when I got my degree. So I would like to basically disguise it also in some way.

And, you know, using my, obviously I have a huge makeup kit with me, a disguise kit for all of my various performances. All right. I'm going to leave it to your creative energy to tell me how you're using what in your disguise kit to dress up the mantle of orc as a floating smoky black crown cool are you going to make it look like contour baby i'm gonna i'm gonna contour it like an instagram reel where someone like a tiktok thing where a girl's like going with her like eyeshadow i'm gonna do all that on the crown to make it blend blend blend with the rock all right we're gonna use that 17 for it so you're gonna take out just a lot of eyeshadow

and try to match the grays and make it not just this like otherworldly black but like uh more matte i have to it's hard because i have to be throwing it on there because i can't touch it so it's just kind of more of a like a apollo you could have some you could have some like ben nye like foam triangles that's true i don't know if that counts i was touching it but yes whatever whatever i'm nah it'd be too dumb if i held that against you i sarah don't really wear a lot of makeup so i don't actually know how to even describe what I'm doing, but I know that it's possible to do, like, a whole look. A look, and that's what I'm trying to do for this.

An L-E-W-K. And then I'm busting in that door, and I'm going to say, surprise, bitch, right in Friar Jolly's face. Soon. Although, you know what? I will say, because you've used, I'll say that was your bonus action. Okay.

Right? And that you've used your action to dimension or you're out of actions, but you've not used any of your movement this turn. Okay. So now I can use my movement. So do you have enough? Oh, shit. 40 feet and you can bust through the door and yell um so i don't have

40 feet of movement i have 30 feet of movement i believe oh so close so close um okay so that's fine i'm gonna go right outside the door waiting for my dramatic entrance okay can you put your Excellent Then let's bring it round To queep I'm intimidating again The gibbering mouther Yes So that's a wisdom saving throw Yes

And Shocker doesn't have a bonus to his wisdom The pile of teeth and eyes Good That's a 14. Yeah, fuck. Okay, I will attack. Okay. Great, uh, I mean,

Blade of Kukla, 14. That's a hit. Nice. Also, I really feel like Intimidating Presence should be a charisma saving throw. I didn't make the rules. I didn't make the rules. You didn't make the rules. Gary.

Gary. The whole court didn't make the rules. Five points. Curse you, Jeremy at Wizards of the Coast. Five points. Five hits. And that's a 15, my second attack. All right. That is also a hit.

Reminded us this dude has a 9 armor class. And that is 10 points of damage. Is he dead yet? Um, no. I said, oh, hi. He's pretty fucked up though.

I noticed I said the F word as soon as I noticed that child could not hear up next oh is everybody wait three men and a baby thing the cut out

of the background it's the ghost oh my gosh this is my blonde hair Sarah's children hello The cutout in the background. It's the ghost. Oh my gosh. This is my blonde hair, Sarah's children. Hello. Hi, guys. Hey.

Bye. It's time to learn to entertain yourselves. You're all adults now. Sarah, why do you make them wear horse ridles? Those shackles were a bit much, Sarah. Sarah, she looks so much like you, it's ridiculous. I love to hear that. She started to really look like Sarah.

She has green eyes and blonde hair, so I don't see it, but I will take it. Did a lot of work to create that person. Well, it's like you with green eyes and blonde hair. Please continue. They're gone. And yes. Queep, I believe you have another attack or you did are you done yeah then Gus continues

with whatever secret thing he's doing up to the north with Houshinka and it is Ronnie's turn Ronnie aka leader of Ronnie's raiders it is Ronnie's turn. Ronnie, a.k.a. leader of Ronnie's Raiders, it is time for you to come up to the microphone, Brian,

and do your dirty business. Everyone leans in and wait. And now I'm going to start playing the, uh, what is that like baby xylophone version of Megadeth? I'll just start playing that. You're up, Brian.

Brian, we await you. Let's do it. Let's do it. I have my vision back. Is he flanked still? Orcus is. The gibbering mouth is not. Okay, I'm going to sweat it on Orcus is the gibbering mouth who is not. I'm going to sway on Orcus. Sick.

21. 21. That'll do, sir. That'll do. 10 arm blade damage damage there nice nice all right oh boy he's really getting cut up and starting to stagger on like he's trying he hasn't tried really to get up yet because his nards are in such a bind literally but he's uh he's really starting to look like he's barely kneeling upright. Cool.

I'm going to hit him again. Do it. You know, maybe if you cut his balls off, he'll fly up and pinball. Crit. Oh, yeah. Yay! Oh, boy.

We did it. It's going to be double your dice damage, and then once we're done with all the damage, we'll We did it. That's going to be double your dice damage. And then once we're done with all the damage, we'll do something special. We'll go to Disneyland. Yay. So, 14 plus 3. Dang.

So, that's going to be 17 points. And then please roll a D100, Brian Poussin, of Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker and Brian Poussin's Nerd Poker with Brian Poussin and friends. Yeah. Yeah. D, D, 100, 100, D, D.

That's nuts. Oh, shit! What was it? I didn't see it. Tell them, Brian. Tell the listeners what it was. Yeah! Oh, my God.

So, speaking of Nards, do you want to go super in a dirty place, or do you want to have his embarrassment be dirty? Duh. Yeah. Yes to the AB question. Love it, Brian.

Both. Alright. Okay, both. Well, I'll give you both. yes to the AB question love it Brian both alright well I'll give you both okay so you bring your sword in like on like a downward strike into

his demonic scrotum and you just right where the testicular torsion is dig up and pull out and you all see his his demonic Vastephrines just like rip

out and this rope of dark red stone like tube just like and and um I'm gonna have you roll an additional 3d12. Dang.

It's weird that a demon would have reproductive organ. They're more symbolic for status than anything. Oh, okay. That makes sense. They're more symbolic for status than anything. Oh, okay. That makes sense. They're for power.

Checker Demon had a big old wang. Biggest any wang alive. No Primus for Brian come on 15 alright so he takes another 15 points of slashing damage and shocker this is a crit so there's going to be a spray of

ichor that shoots out of his abdomen as you tear open a slit in his pelvis and so you hear behind you a shoots out of his abdomen as you tear open a slit in his pelvis. And so you, you hear behind you a sploosh as a giant clot of demon Iger lands across one of the tables and begins to form eyes and a mouth. That really he's, he's got,

he's, he's in a real position with hit points. Let's hammer him, guys. Well, up next, we have the gibbering mouthers, plural now. Oh, boy.

So, first one is going to attempt to bite Ronnie. And the second one is going to attempt to bite Ronnie. And the second one is Jimmy Dore. Sam, cut that, please. For no mentions of a comedian who has physically assaulted me. Oh, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Pope's a Nazi. Three million YouTube followers. Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. Pope's a Nazi. And has three million

YouTube followers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Press the door. Press charges. So, uh, it's a six. He misses, and the other one is going to come for Friar Jolly. Boo. And he's going to try to hawk a blinding, glittering

wad of phlegm into your eyes. Oh what it is Peter Gabriel did that to me one you just thought you were Phil Collins so can you do a DC 13 dexterity saving throw for your dexterity sure oh I'm sure that's bad uh nine all right unfortunately your vision blurs into darkness as you are slapped across the face with this and you all just see uh fire jolly get hit it's now going to uh try to bite you four to hit. Oh boy, they're rolling low with their bites.

So that'll do it for those guys trying to come at you. But it's, uh, I would say Queep, you're noticing that a couple of these things have splattered outwards and are semi-surrounding your friends. But you would also, um, and I'm only noticing this because you're in a position to observe.

It's not your turn yet. But Orcus is looking fucked. We will, however, go next to Orcus, whose turn it is. And he is going to do... I'm just running into my garage to get a soda.

You got it, boss. Orcus is going to run into Brian's garage to get a soda. You got it, boss. Orcus is going to run into Brian's garage and get a soda. Oh, Orcus, can you get me a Coke Zero? I'll just have a water. He's going to try something he can only do. Is Asmodeus okay? Okay.

I have to look up the rules on something he's about to do to you. So hang on. Blaine, can you cover this, please? Oh, yes. We couldn't do the show without the help of some of our sponsors, you guys. Brought to you by Nashville Hot Vizine. Put the red in. Nashville Hot Vizine. Foot Lock red in. Nashville Hot Vizine.

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Nutella Toilet and Bathroom Cleaner. All right, so you've lost your grip on his nuts, by the way, because those particular nuts have been severed from his body. If you want, you can carry him around like a little Timbuktu bag, but I think that that's a personal choice that we'll get more into on your turn. He is attempting to take his wand and cast underneath himself,

which is incredibly difficult given that he is on his knees and that you have been in an advantageous position for a while, half buried underground. So could you do... He's going to attempt to jam his wand into you and cast pretty much the worst thing he has.

So can you do a dexterity saving throw? Normally wouldn't apply. Normally this gets no saving throws whatsoever. But if it makes contact with you, you will not have fun. What's happening? I'm waiting for Blaine

to do a dexterity saving throw. Oh my god. Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay. Perhaps I usedity saving throw Oh my god, oh I'm sorry It's okay, perhaps I used too many words and it got bullshit I have a negative one to dexterity and I rolled a seven Oh So that's a 22?

Yeah, something like that Okay, you see Orcus Queep and Firejolly and Ronnie pick his wand up and just smash the head of it into the elemental form

of Dr. Uid. He roars something in a language none of you understand, and you see a series of black runes briefly appear in the air. He has cast Power Word Kill on you. And you all see the elemental form of Dr. Uwud

just spray outwards in black ash. Wow. What the fuck? Power Word Kill. He has two casts on his wand normally. What the fuck? Power word kill. He has two casts on his wand normally. I'm only giving him one because he's not at full power. It is in his wand.

There are no saving throws, no death saving throws. It is instantaneous death. Oh, no! What the? He killed Dr. Ud. Yeah. Jesus Christ. He's losing the grace. All right-ud. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Can I ask you something? Yeah.

As an elemental, when I get down to zero hit points and I'm dead, then I turn back into Dr. Uwud with my regular hit points, right? Mm-hmm. Am I still dead in that form? You know what I'm going to do? Because I did look that up and could find no rules on it, but you're bringing it up. I'm going to have you do what I was just sort of hankering to do.

I'm going to have you do a charisma saving throw to see if your consciousness gets so obliterated you can't pull yourself back into a half-elf form. If you succeed a charisma saving throw of 12, you will be able to pull yourself back into a half-elf form just in time to lie unconscious with zero hit points and do death saving throws. Jesus Christ.

19. All right. You guys see the ash fly away and then kind of Dr. Uid, you are now laying dying on the ground and I'm going to just kind of scoot you a little closer to the center of the room because

of the ash flying away. Story of my life. Yeah, you're face down dying. Zero hit points. Did Sarah say something about casting mass healing? Mm-hmm. She's leaving, right?

Yeah. So, Sarah is, yeah, unfortunately, I gotta go deal with real life. It's not her turn yet, so that will not directly apply maybe even this episode, because we're more than halfway done with this episode. So maybe Sarah will be here for that.

But it is now your turn, Blaine, so could you please do a death saving throw? A saving throw? A six. That's going to be a fail. Please mark your character sheet accordingly. Yes. Goddamn.

Friar Jolly, you're up. Now, I'm assuming because I'm blind, I don't know. I mean, I heard it, but I don't think I really would understand what happened to Dr. Ud. Does that sound right? Well, go ahead and do an insight check because you are a cleric and he cast a pretty awful spell in a different language, but you could kind of piece things together. Okay. Ooh, a 20. As far as you're concerned, he definitely just murdered somebody.

Okay. My instinct would be to try and get to Dr. Uid, but again, like, I'm blind. Can I make my way there, even though I am blind to his body? To do that, I would have you roll a

perception check with disadvantage at DC 10. Can Ronnie help him? Right. Nope. I'm afraid to say that because it is not your turn, you cannot take the not technically initiative,

but, you know, like character initiative, personal initiative to guide him. So what was it, Dan? A perception? Yeah, boss. Just one at disadvantage or just a regular? B to 10 at disadvantage. Got it. So first one.

If you botch, you'll fall down as you go down into the pit. If you don't botch and you miss... So it's a 12. With disadvantage, I rolled a 12. Great. So why don't you go ahead and lower your token next to him great yeah alright so I will

stagger to him put my hands on his body and I'm going to cast I'm going to cast with my touch spare the dying I touch a living creature that has zero hit points I'm going to cast, with my touch, Spare the Dying. I touch a living creature that has zero hit points. The creature

becomes stable. So basically, he's not conscious, but he's no longer making death-saving throws. And he's still, did you say zero hit points? Yeah, so he goes to, so he's at zero. And he's breathing, I guess. No more death throats.

The silver flame will protect you. Not like with a shield. You know. I'm being very generous with power word kill. It is a real piece of shit spell. Wow. But I feel like the elemental thing. And, you know, listeners, if you look it up, and I know some of you are nerdy enough to just know this

offhand. And there is some Jeremy Crawford Reddit post where he's like, if you're an elemental power word kill from Vecna hits you, you're definitely still dead. I am. I'm doing this because it is the rule of fun and it is still ruled by chance. So there we have it. I want to acknowledge it

because I know a lot of y'all care. And I don't mean that in a mean way. I appreciate that you care and you help me with the rules sometimes. Then will that do it for your turn, Frighter John? Yeah, I mean, I'm blind. So I feel like I got a lot for my money on that one. Really did.

I was Frankenstein. Latest thought. got a lot for my money on that one. Really did. I have a cigar with Frankenstein. Latest thought. Fizburt has been away for a few turns. And so he is a little unsure

why he has not found what he has been looking for. So at this point, he is going to bamf back into the room. Oh, boy. She's great. I love her when she did that in her living room. Mm-hmm. What?

Zoop. So he reappears and says, oh, well, at least the mantle's not back in here, but he's, ah, shit. So, um, he is going to try to climb down and help with Dr. Uwud.

He doesn't have any healing spells. He's a wizard, but he does have a healing potion. So he's like, ah, ah, ah! Like, running over there and making noise. Then that'll take us to Sarah, who I believe we're going to need to have a rain checked recitation of her classic line,

surprise bitches, when she returns on our next episode of Nerd Poker, but we still have 20 minutes play left, so I'm going to go ahead and move her token in at least 10 feet and yell surprise bitches

and she's going to cast Mass Healing, right? Yes, third level. Mass Healing Word, is that the technical? Indeed. So, Mass Healing Word, is that the technical? Indeed. So, as you call out Words of Restoration, up to six creatures of your choice,

you can see within range, which is going to be all of y'all, gain points equal to 1d4 plus your spellcasting ability modifier, which I do have to look up. So, Blaine, if you would be so kind as to cover an unknown amount of time while I pull up your character sheet and look up your spellcasting modifier, which I do have to look up. So Blaine, if you would be so kind as to cover an unknown amount of time while I pull up her character sheet and look up her spellcasting modifier, I would be

appreciative. You know, some of our listeners might enjoy visiting our D&D marijuana dispensary featuring strains such as Super Silver Piece, Blue Dragon, Efreeti Farts, OG Cube, Displacer Kush, Grape Orcus, and Toilet Rat.

Visit us online. Make sure you click, yes, I'm over 21 when it asks. Even if you're not 21, click it and we'll let you look at drugs at the D&D dispensary. Alright, so Winifred has a plus 5 to this D4 healing. So regardless, this will

bring you above 0, Dr. Huid. Also, I just want to note, I can't remember if she's ever called this out, but Winifred has 69 max hit points. And I feel like she's really shown restraint mentioning that. Classic Sarah. Eight hit points. Everyone gets eight hit points.

Yay. That's 3d4? Oh, that's right. It's a leveled spell. I think it's a leveled spell. I think it's third level. Can I say what you said? We'll throw two more in there. Yeah, apologies. That's alright.

Classic Dan fucking that one up. So how many? It's going to be 8 plus 4, so 12 hit points. Awesome. I like that. 12 hit points. Up next is Creep. Hi.

And we'll, you know, if Sarah wants to put any sauce on this turn that will not affect reality, I will. This is a big fight, so I will be open to it.

What would you like to do, Creep? I would like to try to intimidate again. Let's see. On principle. Yeah. So that's it. Wisdom saving throw. The same one

I've been attacking. Same gibbering mouther? Yeah, that fucking gibbering mouther. I'm going to get it this time. 16. High is bad for you. I will time. 16. Yeah. High's bad for you. I will attack. Okay.

That is a miss. Seven to attack. Oh, you know what? And if you want to take a minute, also, Ken, if I could offer you a minute that I suggest you take, listeners have been telling me

that you could be doing a lot more with your rage. Oh, yes. I will rage again. I really want to honor the fact that the Dungeon Master Q&A thread on Patreon is full of people mostly

saying, please talk to Ken. You can also do a lot more with that rat in the cage. There's rules in the Q&A where i'm like i can't guarantee i can talk to the other players that i'll remember and use it for the episode but everyone is still like please for the love of god talk to brian about uh about flurry of blows and shadow step which he's doing yeah and can about rage sounds good so i will rage

Good. So I will rage. It's a plus three to strength checks, I think, is what rage is. And another attack, I guess. Yeah, and the other attack, I guess, is important, but there might I don't know what else could be going on there, but take a look at it, and we'll

assume you've already been raging. We just won't retroactively add a bunch of hit points to shit or strength checks, redone, or anything like that. Right. So anyway, first attack was a seven. Yep. Here comes another. And this one is a

20. Hey! But not that. Sweet. Roll that damage. Listeners, if we still missed something with rage, we apologize and we suggest that you embrace that the world is ending and we are doing our best to have fun for you. 12 points.

Excellent. So, unfortunately... Jimmering Mouthers are pieces of shit. So, if you look at their sheets, they have an AC of 9, so they're not hard to hit. 67 hit points, move real slow,

but if they get you, they get you. So, they hate us. Will that do it for you, sir? Yes. Turn-wise, not, you know, theoretically. Oh, yeah. Hoshinka does some things that you'll never ever know.

And then Gus does some things that you'll never ever know. And then Gus does some things. And then Ronnie's up. Yay. Alright, I'm gonna try to finish Orcus or do what I can. I'm gonna swing on her again.

Do it. Full arm blade. Is he still flanked? He is no longer flanked. Well, doesn't matter. I rolled a 26. Ooh, hot damn. Is that a dirty 20? No, it's a 19 plus 7.

Not a crit. That's what I'm saying. Correct. Sweet. Roll the damage, please. All right. 10. Sick. Sweet. Roll the damage, please. Alright. Ten. Sick. Okay. So, he just, like, get it

right in there. How would you like to see Orcus die, Brian? Oh my god, really? Right now you've got your arm blade in his gut, right? Okay. I'm going to just cleave him

all the way up to the top. You're going to scale him upwards? You're going to run up him like a wall on the Matrix while your arm blade is still... No, I'm just going to gut him but going up towards his face and head. Right, he's just so tall. I'm wondering, are you going to do

anything fancy and monk-like to get as much of a vertical cut as possible? Would I have to roll athletics to do anything more or no? Well, I'm going to give this to you, buddy. Okay, so yeah, I'll scale him. Okay. How are you going to scale though? Give us the cinematics. Like, are you doing a matrix thing?

I'll, as I arm blade him, I'm grabbing him with my left hand, and I'm pulling myself up, up his body, and just, like, gutting him as I'm climbing him. You're, like, grabbing one of his nipple ring

hoops? Sure. Like, it'sops like it's just whatever i can grab onto and then just grab it's available you could do you could just do his skin or his chest hair but sure that that i think that would be amusing to me personally so yeah all right so you just um license plates and tires and a bike yeah not just Not just clotty demon Iker, but this sort of like silvery light explodes outwards. He doesn't even have a chance to react. I'm gonna need

everybody, including Sarah, to do a dexterity savings throw. Oh, dear. Oh, boy. For being cool? Yeah. This is, if you fail, you get a compliment. 19 plus 7 again. I got another 26.

Oh, you wanted this saving throw too. 18 plus 3, 21. There, I got a 14. She passes. 10 plus 3, 13. Okay. 7 plus 2, 9. Everybody makes it except for Queep.

Aww. You're just going to be intimidating. Alright, you get coded in Demon Eicher. Learn to code, man. So,

for now, nothing happens except that you are blind. So for now Nothing happens Except that you are blind And Maybe you can Get it out of your eyes but right now You unfortunately You know you look like an albatross

In an oil spill so You got that Eye patch you can put that back on And I bet you guys can guess what else is happening he's not gonna turn into a gibbering a gibbering

a gibbering you don't know for sure but I'll tell you what is sort of appearing throughout the room fucking assholes. Everywhere. Jesus. So there's a and it's all over the room

but enough of it sort of coalesces into these things. There are now 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 gibbering mouthers in sort of a circle around where Orcus was. Even though he's dead? Yeah

Dude this guy Has been dead many times Oh boy. So he is unfortunately An archdemon and This is a part of the curse of His flesh. Yeah Now again This is not all that happens. You guys just

Fucking annihilated Orcus. So first, give yourselves a round of applause. Give listeners a chance. And we were all here together. Every single person. No one. No one was missing. My cat is on my phone or I would play the sad trombone noise.

So. I would play the sad trombone noise. So, as he sort of explodes outwards, you all just feel the room rattle a little bit from the power of it. But then, as everything dies down visually, except for, of course,

Kweep being coated in the gibbering mouth, you feel the room has not stopped vibrating and you start to see chunks of the ceiling start to fall. Oh. Uh-oh. Dr. Uid, you're up. Let's get out of there. Well, yeah, we should start getting out of here, I guess.

What's the... I don't think we fight the Iker. Fuck the Iker. Let's get out and avoid them. Yeah, let's just avoid them. Everybody roll an insight check, actually, now that that conversation's on the table. Let the roof come down on these

fuckers. I rolled a one on my insight, Dan. Is that good? Does that mean I'm number one in insight? You're still waking up from being almost murdered. What are we rolling, buddy? Insight. 14.

13. Oh, nobody's picking up the deets yet. 16. 19? 19 for Ronnie? Me. 16 for Ronnie. Okay, cool.

Both of you guys get something. Someone roll for Winifred. I feel like the more important stuff is dumb if I roll. Roll a 20 plus 6. Who will volunteer? I'll do it. Brian's got it. 20 plus 6. Oh, Queep rolled'll do it. Brian's got it. 20 plus 6.

Oh, cleap rolled. Yeah, take cleap's roll. Okay. Thank you. Yeah, you want cleap's roll.

I have 19 actually because she has one more bonus. So 19. Great. You kind of look around the room. Winifred contributes to this conversation in that she dodges a large

chunk of the ceiling and says, I think this whole place is going down. We gotta get the fuck out of here indeed. And, Queep Ronnie, you can tell this, the big glowing orb in the center of the room had already kind of been pulsing a little

more, but you're starting to see rays come out of it. It feels like the magic in this room was being held together by both of those beings and I think you would even know especially with Winifred's help that this is some sort of either pocket dimension or place

that was built with great dark magic so given that Valix is at the very least obliterated out of this plane of existence, there's nobody keeping shit together, not even Orcus. And you might want to get back to your home dimension as quickly as possible. And so as a refresher,

you got to go around the tunnel, right? This winding tunnel outside. And then there is the tomb with the elevator and the coffins You got to go around the tunnel, right? This winding tunnel outside. And then there is the tomb with the elevator and the coffins that Winifred briefly bamfed towards. Bamf has a great hour on mental illness. And then once you go up the elevator, there's also this green swirling tunnel that you think led you to this pocket slash other dimension

that you have to traverse to get back to the prime material plane in Clottenheim. So, can we do that? So we get back. I do that with my bonus action. And of course, the gibbering mouthers are still

here and I may have you encounter more shit on the Blitz out of here and because you rolled high Gus and Hoshinka have been missing in action for quite some time in the chamber to the north down the hallway that has yet to be explored. So that is a thing.

Let's get out. And right Dr. Ud what you gonna do? let's get out and right uh Dr. Ud what you gonna do uh I would think let's just uh

start running let's just get out of here as fast as we can cool well what's your movement as yourself your normal

non-elemental self my normal self you can also turn into something else uh I can do 30 feet but I can uh also put long stride around myself, which might be nice.

Show us on the map where you're going. I am going to head out here into this. This is the tunnel, right? This little pink one. Uh-huh. And I'm going to go up here all the way to the Rock and Roll Ralphs, and I'm going to get a couple all the way to the rock and roll Ralphs and I'm going to get a couple of bottles of smart water

anybody need smart water? yes and to reassure both you and the listener I'm not going to make you necessarily do every step of the run back but I do want to visually represent it because shit will be happening and time is of the essence

and choices will matter at this particular moment, especially. So is that your turn, Blaine? Yes. I think I'm right about there. Cool. Fire Jolly's up.

I will scream out for scream. I'll just shout out for Gus and Hoshinka. I'll be like, this place is coming down. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Can I get a performance check? This will literally determine just the volume.

Copy. Performance. Sorry, make sure. 19. Great. You do feel like you got a good, solid booming call out. Okay. So presuming they heard, a good solid booming call out. Okay. Um, so

presuming they heard, I would then use my movement and then my action to dash. So I would get my normal movement to 30, so I'd get a total of 60. So I go basically first with my movement, I'd be up next

to a winner for me like, were you here for the fight? And then go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, so I'm right behind Dr. Uid, halfway up the pink hall. Alright. Will that do it?

I hope so. Fizbort notices Dr. Uid suddenly jump to his feet, long strider himself, and run away. He came down there to heal, and things have changed very much in the last six seconds. So he just goes, oh, right, and he quaffs his own potion. He dimension doors out of there.

And that will take us to Winifred Wintergem, who stands in the doorway, having recently stashed the mantle of the Tenebrous One with some Ben Nye kit makeup in the chamber that everyone is running towards, and we'll have to see how that pans out on the next episode of Nerd

Poker. Nice. Good shit, Dan. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, it was great, Dan. That was fun. Anybody got some stuff they'd like to plug? I really love when people can make it to my stand-up shows, so please keep an eye out for the flyers I post on

Instagram. Definitely trying to abandon Twitter. I know I have my biggest following there, but also... X! It's really gross to be like oh i lose about a thousand followers a week like just just watching it go chonk chonk chonk chonk um so while you good-hearted people go to other social media platforms even if you don't have an instagram pop it into a browser instagram.com slash dan telfer and you'll see me posting my flyers

hopefully you'll see me in boston or new york in september uh rampstein.com slash Dan Telfer and you'll see me posting my flyers. Hopefully you'll see me in Boston or New York in September. Go ahead. BrianPussain.com for my tour dates. I've got Bee Kitchen in Chicago. I've got a couple of Michigan dates with Brad Wenzel. And then

I've got Cobbs with Johnny Taylor in October and some other places for the end of the year. And then you can get Scotch McTiernan, my latest funny book through Image, Scotch McTiernan versus the forces of evil. It's take your brain out and enjoy a book. It's a nice summer reading book. Take it to the beach.

Bring a poly bag, though. Blaine, what do you got going on? I know you got some shows. Oh, I'm going to be at the Morongo Hotel and Casino opening for Orcus next weekend. Come and check us out. He's got some new songs. It's pretty

good. Glad I asked you goofy bastard. Go Oh, also, lucha for whom August 18 and October at the House of Blues in Las Vegas, Nevada. Wow. Nice. Las Vegas, Nevada. Wow. Nice.

Cool. Oh, Blaine, what's going to happen on the show next week? We attribute the success to mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well... On the next Nerd Poker, Franz Ferdinand Freaky Fridays with Fanny Flag for 44 French Fossil Frags.

Ah, fucking forget it. All this and Dan's Refrigerator Crisper becomes the crispy. On the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069,

Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. listening