Nerd Poker - S5E55 Collapse in Judgment

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

That Orcus is a pile of eyebally ooze, but it's never too late for Dan to keep that TPK dream alive. The crew is rushing towards a tomb of dead royalty... that's probably fine, right? For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing Dsin, comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy.

Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pussain. You're listening to Nerd Poker, episode 55. Insert Sammy Hagar joke. Whatever you think he can't. Oh, God. You know.

All combos are wobbles i can't i can't drive 25 um my friends are here chris hello hey man listen uh i heard about you and the hagar i just hope you guys are able to mend this terrible riff. He's really going to hate. I have a whole bit, you know, me crashing my car. And I blame it. I blame it on Sammy Hagar because he was playing at the time on Sirius XM. Guitar heroes. Ken's here.

What is a three lockbox anyway? I'm a vagina Really? I don't know What is the meaning of that song? Look it up 4, 5, 6 lockbox 7, 8, 9 lockbox Happy days

I didn't mean that in quite the fuck off way it sounded I'm looking it up I am looking it up uh Blaine what's up uh not much not much I call I call him uh uh say hey

I don't have time to say Sammy Hagar anymore it's called say hey we're that tight there's a Van Halen song that actually sounds like that I don't have time to say Sammy Hagar anymore. It's called Say Hey. We're that tight. There's a Van Halen song that actually sounds like that. Like three lockbox. It's something a woman and children first. Anyway, Sarah's here.

Hello. Hello. How are you? All right. Don't know much about Sammy Hagar. Can't contribute to this portion of the conversation. Don't know much about Zai. Good, good, good. Dan, what's up, buddy?

Hey, you know, everything I know about Van Halen, I learned from the Nerf Herder song, Van Halen. I like those guys. They're great. They live in Santa Barbara. Hello. Yeah. Are you friends with one of them?

Yeah, I've gotten to open for them a couple of times. They're super nice. I did a show in Santa Barbara. Perry, the singer-guitarist, emceed it. It was really fun. Cool. I think Perry and Steve might listen.

Oh, yeah. Well, maybe they could be a good guest down the road. They could. Ramen's here. Ramen's here. He's here. Hello, sweet children. How are you, Sam? I'm good.

I'm good. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. Mm-hmm. The love in those eyes. Yep. He's fucking adorable. My two jerks are here, too.

Two tail wag wagon carpets let's jump into some dungeons and also dragons let's I would like to jump into it by thanking the supporters who make this all possible and go by usernames on Patreon

by the way if you listen to this show thank you but those of you who are on our Patreon, you are keeping the show going. Anyone who, I know we're in a crazy time in the economic world, but Hollywood has been shut down for over three months now. So we really appreciate every single one of you who has the financial bandwidth to hop over there and even donate a dollar a month. It makes

a massive difference in keeping this thing going. So thank you. Anyone who can afford to head to patreon.com slash nerdpoker. And these users at the Hey Boss and Stargoyle tier go by usernames like Jake the Steak. Thank you, Jake.

Thank you, Anthony Long. I'm going to get this one right. Thank you. Can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can. Yep. I'm here. Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken. This is a reference. I remember. There's commas between all those. Yeah. There was something about like, what if

we just said Ken many times? Yeah. I can't remember exactly. I vaguely remember, yeah. What? Mm-hmm. I think I would remember that one. Thank you for calling that out. That is, uh, otherwise would have been the longest non sequitur in podcasting history. Thank you, Dice Singular.

Stop saying dice is what I think they're saying. Thank you, Oric. Amen. The fucking Lord. Thank you, Oric. I think I know that. I think I play D&D for that dude and his friends. Thank you, wish.com Jason Voorhees. Thank you, the good king Snugglewumps and his merry band of fuzzy buddies.

Oh. Thank you, an awkward Albuquerque alleyway fist bump. Thank you, the artist formerly known as Sharts in the Dark. And you're to blame. You give charts. Thank you, cookie puss with two fingers up your fudgy the whale.

What? Ugh. That's a great Tom Carville reference. Who doesn't? That's not appetizing. Thank you, Andrew, quote unquote, not like the Falco song, Amadeo. Thank you, Kevin Gardner. Thank you, Kurti.

Thank you, Chad Rathsack. Thank you, Matt, Matt Bobat. And finally, thank you D. Trizzles Flaccid Orange Micropenis. Wonder who they're talking about. D. Trizzle. That is new to me. Haven't heard

D. Trizzle. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by Sbarrothon. Labor Day savings on diarrhea. But hurry, this shit is going fast at the Sbarrothon. Keurig Bites, a single bite of food pod. Don't make it until you want it.

Press the button, start biting. Keurig Bites. And the Shoney's Walkman, MP3 player, and by him, we mean menu. Listen to the delicious selection from Shoney's family-friendly menu at work, in the car, jogging, or at Applebee's, that place that gives you dysentery. Don't get us started on that shit, I'll bet against. Shoney's Walkman, walk, don't run, man. Dan.

Thanks, Blaine. Can I ask you a spicy question? I just want to know when you said the word butt if it had two Ts. No, please go ahead, Brian. You know it did. As always, you can get merch at nerdpokerpod.com We have a

toilet rat shirt up right now. It's fucking amazing. Get yourself a toilet rat shirt. There's a Dave Englaven three-quarter. Hey, you look good in a three-quarter shirt., you look good in a three-quarter shirt. Why don't you get a three-quarter shirt that says Dave and Glavin on it? That's what you should do.

What else? There's a fucking glass that says Nerd Poker. It's like a nice, you know, like whiskey glass. Yeah, pint glass. It's got the metal logo on it, too. It doesn't have to be beers But you can put anything in there Any fluid that you have a pint of No

Yes I know what I'm putting in there Some of us are very well hydrated Ice it up and put it in a nerd poker Pint glass why don't you Ronnie is my leader. Not for much longer. Ronnie will go away when season five goes away,

so you might want to get a Ronnie is my leader shirt. That's all I got. Nerdpokerpod.com. Check it out. My favorite design on there is the classic nerd poker moment that I still think of sometimes, which is Queep saying cock-a-loo and then Halstein saying cock-a-la-kill-me. With very, very detailed and funny Sean Bryant art on it. All right.

Well, I believe it is now an opportune time to talk about what happened last time on nerdy pokes our heroes are mostly out of that one room full of the fucking sludge things and they're trying to jump across a chasm with mantle on a rope we take you to that so um yeah you've been just you've just we spent not like a side of a boat amount of time but like a lot of time just trying to get out of the chamber where you blew up orcas um and so now you're trying to head out the time the whole place is collapsing not big enough chunks for making anybody do a dexterity saving throw to dodge a chunk but that could easily happen right and that's the check this morning this chasm is right on talk dodgers um

this chasm in front of you is something you know it's like 10 episodes you had to jump across before uh there is gaps as small as 10 feet across so some of you can just naturally do that uh some of you would want to do

it a safer way but it has been because not all of you i think can make this naturally has been suggested by sarah sarah would you like to describe the acrobatic feet well i just wondered i don't know if it's possible because i don't think it's high enough but i was wondering if it would be possible to use it as like a rope swing to swing across because it's like it's like hovering at a set point in the air, right? Can Winifred do an insight check? Sure.

That is a 21. Nice. You think with a certain amount of force, you've been noticing that the mantle can be nudged vertically it takes a bit more force to nudge it vertically than it does to nudge it horizontally but you also think that means weight on it would at least slightly drag it downwards

if you were to swing on it um and that it would, for the most part, hold the air, but not like, what is that called? An unmovable rod? That one object you can find in D&D? I'll say it. So is there... Your phone rang like it was a fucking congrats for the joke.

Pyeong, pyeong, pyeong. It's me, the president of show business. Is this Brian? That's the best thing I've ever heard in my life. I want you to get in here. Please don't take a helicopter so that nobody sees you because there's a strike going on. Anyway, good job out there.

Click. Brian's actually on the phone. Is it possible to use that idea? Is there a ceiling area where we could attach a rope so that we can swing? I only have, because I can do levitate once, but I can't levitate everybody across. I can carry someone.

Oh, and that's right. So maybe Ken should just be carrying people across. Let's do it. I feel like we got to keep this moving because, like, we have been in this tunnel, in this cave. We got to get out of here. Why don't we just jump across can we jump across i think i landed in the water last time right uh chris my sometimes guy i lean on for this stuff can you remind me what the rule is like you automatically can jump a certain number of feet with a certain score that's right so basically the way it works is as long as you have a 10 foot lead up you can

do a long jump equal to your strength score so for example mine is 15 so with a 10 foot lead up i can as long as we find a place that's 15 feet or less i think you said there was a 10 foot spot yeah like this is a rule i wish i knew the first two seasons of nerd poker but like it's really not focused on enough for moments like this some of you so i think like here's the trick i'm gonna make you roll if it is uh if your score is on is 10 or under yeah that's supposed to do it does anyone have strengths 10 or under? I do. Not my character. I have a 10.

All right. So Winifred might want some creep assistance based off the conversation I just heard you have. Or she might not want to. Or I can answer your question about the roof and attaching things. No, no, no. That's fine. I'll just

take some Quip assistance. I love the idea of Winifred using this rope thing and seeing what happens. I think you're going to love how Winifred spreads her arms wide for flight and to really get

into the mindset of a bird. This is what it is to be a creature of the sky and then she's gonna like get ready to be lifted by queep and queep i would give you to this automatically except for the fact that it is a little tricky to carry a person being dramatic not that the dramaticness is what's causing it to be true but uh she's also dragging the crown okay Okay. Maybe someone has to. Yeah, I wonder what the best Someone has to. Yeah.

Can't Queep, in a separate flight, just pull the thing along? Yeah, you know what? That's what we should do, yeah. He should do a separately bring, like, we'll leave it on the shore with the rope and then he can get it and bring it over. Congratulations, you just lowered the DC of this by two by doing it separately.

So what is your strength? Or I'm sorry, your athletics bonus, Queep? Hold, please. Checking, please. Looking. Plus seven. So I'm going to have you do an athletics

check DC 10. Don't fuck it up. Pretty low to fuck it up. That's 15. So you easily pull Halcine over on her own. And I'm going to just give that to the crown as well, because the crown is not particularly harder to carry across than winter Fred with the rope that was much easier than the boat

yeah let's just go back and spend an episode redoing that boat how does that um you're now at a point in the tunnel where you can see ahead uh and of course this is all uncovered on the map there's a certain portion of this water where you'll have to jump across and it is for most of you an automatic success and I did make

Winifred roll this I think to her loss but the reason I know i made winifred roll it was because like you don't want to get wet like at all this isn't just about like getting across it is about the nimbleness it takes to jump across and touch nothing so um winifred failed it and went under the sway of the lich king he seems mostly dead uh if not completely dead and so you just don't know the you don't know the effects of this water and um you can you know try and carry her across and i'll potentially give a bonus to that but

you're all going to be making it down this tunnel and Winifred will not have an automatic success. So you guys tell me how you're going to handle that. I think same thing, right? You do the same thing. Pretty much the same role, different consequences.

It's a five foot thing. What could possibly go wrong? 10 DC. Oh, I see. This isn't strength. Yeah, yeah. I'll know. I'll just I'll just jump. Yeah.

All right. Okay. So that's an athletic strike for you. Okay. Same DC. What was the DC? Sorry. Yeah.

Okay. That is a 16. Great. You hop across. You guys, I'm now going to put your tokens here. You're all kind of able to get down the tunnel a ways. Nice. You're pretty close to like the tomb and the chamber with the water and the drow prisoner.

Chris? I was going to say, maybe as a joke, I should push Winifred into the water. It'll ruin her phone. Really funny. Does your character at least try to psych her out by doing it? Oh, no. I know better.

Because I'm pretty funny if I suddenly made you roll. I was going to say, Winiffred would have a high price for that. Well, there would be a deception check, and then if you failed it, she would do a dexterity saving throw. And she flinched. So you guys have this tunnel ahead of you with the blooming flowers that I think

a couple of you have attuned to. Right? This is the magical... Yeah, Blaine. I can't remember if I did, but yeah. I'm tied to these guys. It's only going to take you a few minutes to sprint down this tunnel as things start coming down, but you're starting to go through pretty

narrow passages. You'll notice on the map, this is some stuff you've had to squeeze through. I didn't make you roll to squeeze through it before, but now fist-sized rocks are starting to fall, and so it's going to take a little bit of flexibility to get through.

So I'm going to need everybody to do an athletics check, DC 10, to not get stuck. And being stuck doesn't mean death, but it does mean things will get tricky. I got a 10. 19.

Bang, bang. I don't know how you did that. With a 7 bonus? Yeah. Roll low. All right. I've got athletics from just Queep and Friar Jolly right now in the log. rolled low alright I've got athletics from just

Queep and Friar Jolly right now in the log 11 at 16 16 for Rani great you all make it through to here I'm now

putting your tokens two minutes later this dies rock To here. I'm now putting your tokens. Two minutes later. This dies rock. And that'll do it for that portion of the running away. You now make it you know I mean it's the end of the tunnel right you pass up all the flowers

by the way I'm trying to like move things along for narrative brevity at any point you want to stop and do something there is some slight loose ends in the plot, but what was that, Ken? If anybody wants to check in with the flowers.

Exactly. And so Hoshinka and Gus are just lost to time back in the Unless you do something about it, potentially, they may be lost in time. This has happened to Hoshinka before. Why did they leave? Maybe the flowers know where they are.

The flowers are everywhere, aren't they? Oh, yeah, Blaine, maybe you can ask the flowers. I'm going to go over to the flower wall. It's going to be like the laugh-in wall, and I'll just sort of stand there with a tuxedo with my tie undone and a cigarette. Hey, flowers! Hey, what happened to

that hell chica? Chicken joke! There is a warm feeling in your mind. You feel the plant communing with, I don't know, the green moss fur you have all over your silly body.

And, um, you, you, you feel it speak to you in a sentient, but non common language voice that it surrounds the chamber, this plant thing, but it does not see inside the chamber.

It is forbidden. Oh, you got a version of this before. You got a version of this before like a 10, 10, 11 episodes. What was that? What can something about hippies?

My internet connection is unstable. You're cutting out buddy. Oh, mine is unstable. You're cutting out, buddy. Uh-oh. Mine is unstable, too. Maybe it's Zoom. Maybe it's Zoom. Maybe it's Sam because he's hosting the thing.

But you're back now. What were you saying, Ken? I don't remember. Something about a bippy. I believe you're saying you bet your bippy. There you go. How are you doing? Bet your sweet bippy joke? Yeah.

Hey, if you're listening and you don't know what he's talking about, look it up on your funk and waggles. Okay, so you have that information from the plane. Lane! Hey! Unless you stop me, you are now from the plane. Plane! Hey, yo, I go away. Unless you stop me, you are now leaving the tunnel. So you come to the tomb.

I'm going to have to move your tokens around, so forgive me while you only see Winifred and the drow for a moment. But you emerge and you see pretty quickly that there is a drow woman like sitting and meditating and she's now here more in the center of that chamber. Her eyes are closed. She's a run past. Should we see if she can tell us about our friends? Maybe there's a way we can free her now that Valix is gone. Maybe.

I'll go up to her. Find out what her vibe is on Valak's dying? Pardon me, mistress. I don't know if you know, but just imminent death awaits all who stay in this chamber.

Oh, yes. That's why I'm meditating. I'm trying to be at peace with my fate. Which is what? I am trapped here. You can't leave? No. What if I told you... I've been trapped here for many years.

What if I told you... Even now? The Tenebrous One is no more! Really? I think so. Was there... Did someone take the mantle and wear the... Did Valak's... Did someone take it from him? Yeah.

It's been taken. Is he gone? I don't know. Search your feelings. Hmm. Well, I know them to be true. First of all, Star Wars reference that I felt like I had to compulsively make. But then, okay.

I don't feel any different. Isn't that the telling thing? Hey, do you know if our friends are alive? I don't. I have no idea. As far as I know, Beat, all your friends are dead.

So, that was a Tom Lennon reference, not an actual plot point. So you, you have that conversation. She kind of pulls herself up to her feet and starts pondering

exits. You can take her with you, but she looks like she's about to just make a mad dash for the exit herself. Maybe if she can help us get across that dimension tunnel. Let's follow her. She knows where she's going, right? She runs up here.

And as soon as she looks around the corner, says, oh, no. I left the car here. They must have towed it. What? Is it a good oh, no? What? Is it. What's going on? Is it a good oh no? What? Is it a good oh no?

It doesn't sound like a good oh no. Are you asking her? Like, oh no! What's happening? What do you see? What's happening? He yet lives. Who?

She just points and shakes. Okay. Shit, here we go. All right, fucker. Go, guys. Let me take a look. You turn around the corner, and shambling as if weak, you see what looks like a different body,

but definitely glowing and wearing a crown. There is a skeletal figure shambling through this doorway. Okay. Ew. No, but is it the one that we saw? Is it the one that we talked to in the coffin?

No, it is not. Is it wearing a crown that looks like our crown? Archon Eber's crown? No. It is some sort of iron crown that looks like it is desiccated and decayed. So he lives... So who is...

Can we ask her who that is? She seems to think it's Valix. Why don't you all do an insight check? Okay. Or, hey, this is always fun. You can choose insight or arcana if you want this check to be more about you searching your magical knowledge of what exactly

has happened. Oh. Ronnie's got some insight. Yeah, Ronnie. I got nothing. You know what? I have a plus 8 insight, but I rolled an 18, so I'm going to use my plus 3 arcana

to get a 21 and learn more about the magic. You change your roll, you sneaky fuck. Can you do that? No. Let him do it. Let him do it this one time, but I don't think he can. They ask, please. They please blame.

Oh, no, that was... I was saying what I was doing when I rolled it. You said you could pick one or the other. I said, well, I would. Oh, you're right. You haven't rolled it yet. You haven't rolled it yet. That's fine. I really liked that feeling I had for a moment of power over you.

Yeah, I felt like the car was going over a hill and then my stomach fell out. Does anyone need to heal at this fountain? Does anyone need to heal at the fountain? Oh yeah, five freebies. Right, so first of all we got a 20 from Friar Jolly and a 21 from Ronnie on Insight. This

really feels like the Drow Woman has a connection or a fear directly associated with this particular king. And having been through that chamber of multiple religious people, I have here that you read all the nameplates on them and that I told them all to you, yeah? That sounds right.

So you talked to one, another one you nuked, right? And then there's the guy, the one you nuked was Eldrin III merged his brain with his imprisoned corpse.

And there was another one you talked to, right? This doesn't appear to be either of them. But it does feel like one of the bodies is coming towards you. And Dr. Uwud, what was your arcana? Is it over 20 or just 20? My arcana is, I got a 21.

I have a plus three Arcana. It feels like this is the spirit of Valix inhabiting this course. And do I feel like I know any connection between the crown or anything? If he's like, if he's jumping around. No, the crown seems inconsequential. Seems, I would say, I'll give this one,

especially to the Insight folks who rolled a 20 and a 21 it feels like this is the crown that happened to be on the corpse as it pulled itself out of a coffin um the the crown that you have on a lasso is one of a kind and it has not okay so do we have an arcana sense i i rolled poorly on that but like do we have an idea of like how do we kill i thought that we we had destroyed his phylactery and then therefore we were able he was able to be killed and that's what we just did so but but that doesn't seem like that's what happened so you don't have any you don't know shit because that role made you dumb but as a personal insult to you sarah i'm going to tell you that dr uid thinks um his spirit seems weak it seems like he's got very little ability to do things like this are very limited

like he lost all of his power and you would know dr would especially because you've now encountered a a couple of real vampires who turn into mists and shit. It seems like his spirit rushed towards the tomb while you were fighting Orcus. Grabbed whatever it could. So he just had to keep killing this guy over and over until his spirit is weakened? Well, and again,

as a personal insult to you, Sarah, Winifred does not pull this, but Friar Jolly and Ronnie could piece together, well, we might still have to fuck up this skeleton to get out of here, but it's

to a certain extent still trapped, maybe, if we can get everything to collapse on it or something. But can we kill him? Like, is there a point at which we're just done with this bitch maybe i would say again winifred strains so hard to think and a tear rolls down her cheek because she's incapable of understanding however prior jolly and ronnie um oh i'll be happy to explain

we can roll again we can roll again because I feel like this is a different question than what is this. He becomes weaker, you think, if he loses his original body, which is gone forever. What about his beach body? His beach body... He's still working

on it. In this dimension, it's still March. He's still got a month or two. But... Yeah, like, it still march he's still got a month or two um but yeah like like it feels like he's he's um all of you were pretty preoccupied and didn't pay a lot of attention when i explained kind of like what was happening of like the gust of his ashes blowing and shit you feel like you might be able to notice when you potentially destroy this new body, slash old body, slash not quite a beach body, that you could do something as he tries to escape the body. Cool. And again, you know, Dr. Wood can contribute to this conversation, but Winifred, you are but a bystander.

Sarah, are you tired of me making fun of you? Nope, never. So, okay, so I can, should we attack him, or do we need to try to trap him? Do we think we could get him inside one of these? Remember at the very

beginning of the game, we had those lanterns with dead people in them? Stambles five feet closer and yes i wonder if you have a lantern with a glowing figure inside it i wonder if we could shove him in there well i cast shatter on him all right uh i love that so does that mean a saving throw from him? Constitution saving throw. Awesome. One second. I need to clear the turn order. Nobody roll anything.

Okay. Whoops. We're not doing initiative yet. If you are, I'm not counting it. So constitution saving throw. So Constitution Savings Row... is coming in the old roll 20. 14. What do spell saves? Spell save... So that's my spell save dc uh 17 he fails roll that damage as you explode at the skeleton um 18 points of thunder damage. You knock him backwards, too, right?

Isn't it like 10 feet or something? Yeah, it doesn't knock him, though, in this one. It does not... It doesn't move him, no. Okay, maybe he's in a thunder wave or something. Listeners, no, I don't. So he takes that damage, and his body

kind of pulls backwards and recoils from it but his hand is starting to reach out and he is pointing a finger rude got those weird flying fingers look out I'm gonna scorching ray this son of a bitch

alright everybody roll initiative cool god damn it Pray this son of a bitch. All right, everybody roll initiative. Cool. All right. God damn it. I know. Can we just get out of here? He's trying to leave.

God. I thought he was dead. I know. It's like when you're leaving a party and somebody comes up and goes, hey, which one did you like better, Barbie or Ro? I got a natural 20 plus five on my initiative. Oh, yeah. 15.

15. 22. 13 or 316. I am not remembering these. So if I can call your names out and you can tell me, that would be very helpful. I don't know why roll 20 won't do this for me like it used to. Winifred, you said 25, right? Mm-hmm. Thank you.

It's also a 25 for Captain Asshole. What's your dexterity, Winifred? My dexterity is 17. All right, so you beat him. You get a 25.1. All right. Winifred? My dexterity is 17. Alright, so you beat him. You get a 25.1. La Raza.

25.1. La Raza. Why in the name of all that is holy can I Did I make a La Raza joke? Why in the name of all that is holy can I not get adverts? Did I make a La Raza joke? I thought it sounded like a radio station number.

And so even though there's nothing below 87.1. By the way, we were talking about when the guy said the Carvel movie. I thought there should be the Carvel movie, I thought there should be a Carvel cinematic universe. Ben, what'd you get? Quince. Quince. What?

Fifteen. I was speaking in the 15. Fifteen. Fifteen. Um, 15 I was speaking in the 15 15 Brian and Ken what are your dexes 14 17 alright so that's gonna be

a.1 for Ronnie. How about you, Fire Jolly? 22. 22? This is my initiative. Hell yeah. And then Dr. Uid.

16. Great. Sure, go Nolies at 16. listeners if any of you know how to get around this and roll 20 it drives me so fucking crazy you said 16 blaine yes um if you know how to get around the morning when a character is a token is near the top of the map and i want to add a turn by right-clicking it, it takes the add turn dropdown off the top of the screen. And I have to drag the tokens around to add a turn. It's the most annoying shit.

Sorry for the delay, but that's what's happening. If you know how to get around that, please let me know, other than spending the time of dragging tokens around to add turns. Chris, do you have any idea? You could shrinkify the map. Make the map much smaller. It took longer because I tried and couldn't pull it off. Sorry.

Thank you for apologizing. No, I... It was dead before I left the table. What about the recombinant protein? Oh, what about the recombinant protein? And I'm going to do one for, oh, what's her name? So, coming up first in the turn order, we've got Winifred. I know you want to cast Scorching Ray, Chris, but I'm going to say because Winifred already did Shatter,

you're just prepping it. And you just had a second to react, everybody. And you'll get to cast it pretty soon. What do you want to do, Winifred? That was almost well-pronounced. I'm going to be like... I'm going to be like, what's the deal with airline food? And then I'm going to cast like, what's the deal with airline food?

And then I'm going to cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter on him. Can you first move your token to where you would want to be? I can't. I can't access roll 20 at all. Oh, I'm so sorry. Okay. I'm going to put you next to the draw woman. Sorry. Okay. I'm going to put you next to the draw woman. I'm just checking.

I just checked to make sure it can work on undead creatures. Is it a charm spell? I don't believe it is. Because I checked and people were specifically talking about using it on liches. Gotcha. But I can double check. No, it's not a charm effect, according to the internet. A quick Google. Sorry if this isn't wrong.

And what is he rolling? He is rolling a... It's like it's an enchantment spell? He is rolling a... It's like it's an enchantment spell. He is rolling a wisdom saving throw. I know he's got a high wisdom, but fingers crossed. I will tell you his stats have changed. Okay. Gets an eight.

Okay. He thinks my bit is hilarious and he is falling into fits of laughter and he falls to the ground is incapacitated he's giggling he's guffawing he's it's rib tickling literally because he's got that skeleton bones uh he just is like, he's dying laughing. And what is his status then? He's incapacitated and prone.

Oh my god. How is this possible? Alright. How long does this last? At the end, let's see, it lasts up to one minute at the end of each of its turns. And every time it takes damage, so this is important to know, it can make another wisdom saving throw.

It will have advantage on the saving throw if it's triggered by damage. So basically, he's just incapacitated until he can, you know, stop giggling. Right, so itiggling. Right. So he drops the check. And he's about to have his turn. Okay, so he does not have advantage just on his turn, but he does have advantage when people do damage to him, then he gets an advantage.

Got it. And he has to end his turn having just been incapacitated the whole time. So this is the end of his turn. He's basically lost his turn before Friar Jolly can do anything. But he's going to roll this saving throw one more time. It's a five! So he remains doubled over at your

vicious wit. Why do lady liches love to shop? Am I right? Oh my god. Liches be shopping. Liches be shopping. Liches be shopping. We got a new nerd poker t-shirt.

Yeah, liches be shopping with like Winifred saying it with like a hand on her hip and like a brick wall behind her. Oh. Nice job, everybody. We did it again Friar Jolly what would you like to do he's still sucked up on the floor

I'll see him drop to his knees cackling and I'll just start looking at him and go let's get the fuck out of here and I'll run and use my action to dash to get past this son of a bitch. All right.

So with my movement, I go one, two, three, four, five, squeaking past him. Six,

one, two. We're going to the big central room, right? Yeah. Yeah. Two, three,

four, five. So I get basically to the top of the stairs right before the, the circle elevator room or whatever it is. Okay. I'm going to give the drow woman a chance to do something. chance to do something. She is still frozen in terror. Oh, shit. Dr. Who would you up? I am going to call down a moonbeam on the thing. Okay,

let's make the thing. Okay. The sheep guy. And I guess that's just an automatic thing. Oh, and I want to look this up real quick. A listener wanted me to tell you something about the Moonbeam during the Valix fight, but they didn't post it for me to tell you until the fight was over. They didn't post it for me to tell you until the fight was over. So let me get this info to you for you to know.

Okay. Yeah, one sec. Sorry. That's okay. It'll give me time to thank Henihana where dinner takes your wife. Please. And Mike's hard penis. Damn. Hello? Oh no, this is unrelated.

What a silly thing. This had to do with because you're a circle of the moon with wild shape, as a bonus action, you can burn a spell slot. That's just pretty nice. Moon beam. Okay.

Buildery beam of pale light shines down and when they start a turn or enter it, they're engulfed and must make a constitution saving throw, and they're technically entering it, so here comes a constitution saving throw.

Yeah. And then this is going to stay lit, and you move it around because it's a concentration spell, right? Yes. Cool. Let's see. A three! Roll that radiant damage.

14. 14. Nice, nice. So, I'm just going to check one quick thing. No resistance or immunities to Radiant. Takes that damage.

And, of course, Sarah knows this is coming. It now gets to make another wisdom saving throw to break out of its laughter because you burned them. With advantage. With advantage. because you burned him. With advantage. With advantage. A botch and then a dirty 20. So he's

going to take that dirty 20 and snap out of it. My favorite. Oh, he's walking out of my show. Barely into my set. He's no longer incapacitated, but he's still prone, right? So

there is that. Any bonus action type shit you want to do, Dr. Hewitt? No, I guess that's it. I'm just going to keep this thing trained on him. Cool. I'm going to draw a quick circle. Five foot radius.

Queets up. I am going to try to frighten him. My intimidating presence. Wisdom saving throw. saving throw? He automatically is completely unaffected by it. Unaffected by it? And he just sort of like

on the ground like turns his head and stares at you. Hmm. I was scared again. I was very scared. Ken, you're freezing to death again. Yeah, I see. Connection problems. Hello?

You're recording locally, so listeners can hear you, but we can't. Or I can't. Cool. Let's run past him, then. I hear you, sort of. Run past. Run past. Can you? Ken said, cool, let's run past him then I hear you sort of run past he said cool let's right

Ken is laughing because he can hear you can you type it in the chat and try and say it I will run past him cool I will run past him. Cool. Uh, how many, uh, feet of movement do you have?

Yeah, that many. 35, I think. 35. All right, so you can get to the doorway, but he is going to get an attack of opportunity on you as you run past him.

All right, fucker. Um. Can you do a wisdom? No? Hang on. Alright. Alright. He really has hilariously shitty

abilities in this form. So he's going to try to bite your leg. What a dick. That's cool. 13 to hit. He misses. You are now just past him in the doorway.

Casting skedaddle. Ronnie's up. Hi, Ronnie. Hey. What would you like to do? How's he doing on hand points? Or she? The corpse? It's true. You don't really know the gender of this

thing it's just wearing a crown um and it's very corpsey it's laying on the ground able to do stuff um probably gonna get up real soon And you saw it try to bite, creep as he ran past. Okay. Um, I'm going to try to decapitate it. Fun. Or at least chop an arm off or something.

All right. So you run up to it and you're going to take a swing. Yeah. Yeah. Go for it. But you can't really call a shot, right? You can't. If you crit, I will incorporate it into your 100-sided roll.

I got a 23. That's a dirty 23. Yeah, you're a dirty 23. I mean, ow. Dirty 23 and me. I mean, that's a hit. And this is what kind of damage? Slashing? Yeah, and me. I mean, that's a hit. And this is what kind of damage? Slashing?

Yeah, 10 points. I'm going to take another one. Okay. Okay. 15 still hit? Yeah, right on. He's prone. Oh. still hit? Yeah. Right on. He's prone. Oh.

Yeah, like it's hitting him. If he's prone, I think you get an advantage. Oh, yeah. Nice. Is that right, Dan? Yeah. So I'll take the 15 and five points of damage okay

will that do it for you sir uh yeah great um oh real quick too y'all called out three, five hit points from the fountain. Can everybody toss that on themselves? I'll say we didn't stop and talk about you doing it, but I'd say if it came up in conversation, y'all would be pretty hasty about running over to the fountain and grabbing those three, five hit points. So please add those temporary five hit points.

Thank you. Okay. Thanks. those free five hit points so please add those absolutely temporary five hit points thank you okay thanks all right uh and winifred you notice the you know king has has snapped out of his laughter fits and it will be your turn on the next episode of nerdy pokes. Oh boy. Sam, you're up. Wow. Hi everyone. I was unable to listen this week.

I had a meeting, but when I came back, the very first thing I heard was liches be shopping. So I'm going to declare this episode. Perfect. We definitely have to make that shirt. And I also caught Blaine's Mike's hard penis, which was willfully passed to the side. Mike's hard penis, you guys.

We heard it. I like to see that. Comedy clubs. It was either that or Nashville Hot Astro Glide. Come on, you guys. Let's flip a coin over here. Dan? If you're in LA, check me out at the Peacock Show Club TG

August 31st. And I'll be posting any show plugs I got on Instagram. Tour dates for me BrianPersane.com and then I've got Bee Kitchen in Chicago at the end of the month.

Still plenty of tickets on that, but the Brad Wenzel dates in Michigan are selling out. So get them. And then I've got Cobbs in October in San Francisco, and I will be eating. I'm going to have a dumpling eating contest with myself. I'm the winner. And then also,

I've got currently a comic book out through Image, but you can also get it. You should go to a comic book store and get it. Ask for it. Scotch McTiernan versus the Forces of Evil, but you can also

get it at Amazon if you're lazy. And Miss Jackson if you're nasty. Anybody else? Hello? Brian, I believe you would like to cue Blaine to let us know what's happening on the next episode.

Yeah, yeah. Blaine. We attribute the success to save mankind from error. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Oh, hi. On the next episode of Nerd Poker, you'll hear Blaine say, why are we playing? You'll hear Dan say, I texted everybody at the time. You'll hear Blaine say, what are we playing? You'll hear Dan say, I texted

everybody at the time. You'll hear Blaine say, oh, okay, here it is. All this. Then Brian says, what are we playing? On the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker,

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening. Spin the clock