Nerd Poker - S5E56 Tomb's Last Call

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

It's time to take the elevator up and get out of this tomb in an evil pocket dimension. Most of the crew is rolling well, but of course not everyone is. And no word on those damn NPCs, some of which they dragged down there, others not so much. Time to find out who esapes and who doesn't!  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. It's episode 56.

We're winding down. I know I keep saying that every episode because it feels like it could be the end. We've done some crazy shit. And shit's exploding and falling. And it's going to be another fun one. Strap in. My friends are here. Hey, Dan.

Hi, Brian. How are you, buddy? Good. I had my mic muted because my cat was knocking things over you know just explain the weirdness you know it's just sometimes you you know what's causing the weirdness so you're like what if i let everyone know took a sip uh mcdonald's soda they're not a sponsor but that's what I was drinking. Because it's the morning.

Chris, what's up, buddy? Hey, man. Just enjoying my Burger King. You know, it's 930 in the morning, so I got to have my McDLT. It's not a... Okay. Hmm? Nothing.

Oh, I got the wrong order bye everybody thanks for listening Brian's gotta go return his McDonald's Sarah's here hi how are you triple martini in hand 9am let's do it when are we gonna do this live Dan

I don't know I sent texts out to the group text. Hey, can we do it? And then nothing comes together. Not live. You mean like in person? Yeah. I would love someone else other than ADHD me to throw enthusiasm in the group text. We'll do it.

Sarah's waving at me. We're going to cut this out. I feel like I'm responding exactly how sarah did not want me to respond i don't have a horse in this race um at all but i was i was gonna say that it reminded me that brian had said that we were winding down and the last time he said that people were like wait do you mean winding the show down oh season. That's what I was trying to say. No, season five or whatever. We'll be back in person probably for the next.

Yeah, Brian. What do you want? Nothing. I'm fine. How's your... McDonald's is making their own soda now? Well, I mean, it's a soda I purchased from there. Ah, okay. I get confused easily.

Blame? Hey, I was It's the soda I purchased from there. Ah, okay. I get confused easily. The lame. Hey, I was going to do a joke about how I stopped at Yoshinoya on my way back from Sbarro, but I can't believe McDonald's hasn't made their own soda. That's weird. We have a Yoshinoya by me out here in the valley. Have you ever eaten there? No. I don't think they're real. I think they're

oil rigs. They're oil rigs. That definitive no. I used to eat there all the time and it's not good. They're like those stores in Manhattan that, you know, it's a front for something terrible. When you walk into like a little grocery

store. Chris, did I say store. Yeah, yeah. Chris, did I say hey? Hey, buddy. Listen, I'm just finishing up my DLT. We're probably going to put down some cheesy roast beefs in a minute. Oh, deja vu. Cheesy roast beefs.

Nice to know you. Speaking of cheesy roast beefs, Sam's here. Hi, sweet children. What's up, buddy? Hi. What were you reading on the internet that I caught your attention? I'm ordering McDonald's.

Oh, nice. A lot of people haven't eaten there, but it's really good. Sam, get their homemade soda. Okay. Taco Bell's their homemade soda. Okay. Taco Bell's making their own gelato. McBirch, according to Clickbait. That's how you know that we need to play in person again, is everyone suddenly

actually wants to eat McDonald's, like no matter what. It's the nostalgia of McDonald's. McDonald's is doing a spicy thing now, and I'm like, that's not your lane, man. Stay out of that. No one goes to McDonald's for a jalapeno paste on top of their burger. You know.

What is this paste? Well, it's, you know, all their stuff is kind of, it's just, it comes out of a tube. Wow. And there's got to be a jalapeno paste tube. Like RoboCop food. Well, I worked at a couple of McDonald's. I show the level. I feel like they must have changed.

The level of employee that they'll hire. I know. Like, I don't even want to know. It's all changed over the years. Yeah. That's what happens. When I used to mop up the floor in front of this cute girl I liked, she would come in with her family and I would be mopping.

And then I would gather up all those little aluminum ashtrays on the table and move those out of the way. Remember those? Did you work in a McDonald's? Ashtrays at McDonald's. Gold medal ashtrays. Yes, when I was a senior in high school. Worked at one in Sonoma and one in Sacramento in the suburbs.

Okay. I worked in Red Lion, Pennsylvania. We opened a new store. It lasted two months. Oh, wow. I went up and I said, hey, I don't think I'm really good at this. And he said, I agree.

I got fired, and my grandpa went to go see me three weeks after I got fired. And they go, oh, no, no, he's long gone. I did two adverts for him. I had to have a meeting with my mom and my grandpa that night about lying. What had you been doing for three weeks when you said you were going to work? None of your goddamn business.

Falling, apparently. Yikes. No, I was doing everything but working. Nice. Over at a kid's house, day drinking, you know, swimming. Oh, God.

How old were you? 17, 18. Oof. You didn't do day drinking at 18? I didn't do any drinking at 18. Well, that's not true. Barely. I was very late to start on that. But then I made up for lost time.

Yeah. Yeah, with three martinis at 9.30 a.m., Sarah. Yeah, right? I got to catch up on all those lost teen years when I went to be a nun. More blue cheese olives. I just played D&Dnd i did all my heavy drinking in my late teens early 20s that's why i'm not really a drinker anymore but no i didn't i did some dumb anyways but even on my 20 even in my 20s i was spending every saturday

night playing um halo with a bunch of nerdy that's right i knew you in your 20s that's so crazy that i knew you then yeah um literally every saturday night 23 year old 23 years old just being like i'm just gonna go have a land party with with 30 year old 30 something guys it was so fun though it was great greatest times uh let's uh thank some people dan okay we're gonna go ahead and uh thank our patreon supporters they go by usernames like james hadaway thank you james it's good scat away thanks thank you carlos oh boy mel may uh thank you carlos uh i need to learn to pronounce this one carlos uh do let me know uh send patreon a message let me know how it's exactly that's that's that's not that's uh i want to yes jerry lewis speak and dr

no it's from uh With Two Brains. Oh, yeah. And they're thanking the liner notes of Grace Under Pressure by Rush, by the way. Dr. Hafar and Anne Mahal. That's hilarious. Oh, hell no. Thank you, A Baby Ate My... No, that's fine.

Thank you, A Baby Ate My Dingo. Thank you, Jones Face Jones. Hello, Andrew. Thank you, Skylee Nerdnard. Thank you, Pratt Dudley. Thank you, Patrick Lynn. Thank you, Snaginthus' Southerly Tentacle. Thank you, Nicholas Lee.

Thank you, John Hutchinson. Thank you, Eric Wortley. Thank you, Try Screaming in Agony will break all your bones. Yeah, Screaming in Agony. Is that a metal song? That sounds like a metal reference I don't know what that's from

now it's from nerd poker and also how I will die in an alley soon and finally thank you this is for you Blaine my Dixie wrecked Blaine my Dixie wrecked

they want you to know that their Dixie is wrecked call in the bar a Dixie. They want you to know that their Dixie is right. Call in the bar. Dixie wreck. I think some of those names are phony. Nope. All Christian full names on their birth certificate. Blaine, who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by?

Patreon supporters brought to us by Safe Wordies. We bring food till you tell us to stop. Safe Wordies. We bring food till you tell us to stop. Safe Wordies. And Toothshee. The tushy for your mouth. Get rid of that shit-eating grit. With Tooshie.

The tushy for your mouth. Dan? Ugh. Thank you, boy. Oh, boy. The only appropriate response. That's a bidet reference. Oh, okay.

Tushy is a bidet brand. Yeah. You should have said it's a bidet for your mouth. Bidet mate. Nice. I love when they go to the dentist and they give you the mouth bidet. That's funny. That's like medical mouth bidet. That's funny.

That's like medical mouth bidet. Bidet at the races. Just spread it down, Blaine. That's gold. It's all solid gold, man. Check me out on Blue Sky. They say it's your bad day. It's my bad day, too.

Happy bad day alright well it's time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker as was recently referenced by Brian Posehn the dungeon is collapsing on everybody and shit's getting wild uh I guess they're gonna try to get out

we'll see I think I might stretch this out for another 30 or 40 episodes and shit's getting wild. I guess they're going to try to get out. We'll see. I think I might stretch this out for another 30 or 40 episodes and just sort of like get in everybody's retirement plan and fantasy 401ks and stuff. Anyway, our heroes are currently on the other side of having achieved getting the mantle of the Tenebrous One, which is currently being dragged down a rope while it floats in the air, like one of those novelty dog leashes where it's suspended on a wire

and there's an invisible dog. They're great. They're really great. Used to be able to pick them up at Six Flags, but now everything is branded Warner Brothers content. So our heroes need to suddenly get past what appears to be the reanimated corpse of some other Cloddenheim royalty

that is long dead. Some Vindarian king or queen that has been reanimated with, you know, Valix because he's a dick and he's mostly dead, but he just keeps getting in everybody's fucking way while the ceiling falls down.

We now take you to some dexterity saving throws already in progress. So I believe we left off with bottom of the turn order Brian. Yeah. And then we got back up to the top. I put the turn order back in. I also just wanted to acknowledge that. I don't know what you guys saw when I logged in. Mary Lynn Rice Cub still logged into Roll20 when we started this episode.

So take that as a compliment that bonus episode player Mary Lynn Rice Cub hung out just in Roll20 for a weekend. I heard she's a 20th level paladin now. Yeah, I'm going to text her and see what level she is since she's been playing all weekend. It seems like it is now time for winifred to react queep just kind of squeezed by to get to the doorway and i will also kind of give a recap and you guys please the reason i switched to my voice is to invite you all to join in the discussion um the tomb that you're in is the dead kings there is this doorway that you i think exploded after refusing the riddle that was involved and that's what queep is standing in there's some sarcophaguses

in front of him friar jolly already got through everyone else plus mysterious drow are on the other side the drow is frightened you guys know how to get back up. You're about a chamber and a half away from getting on an elevator. That elevator will take you up to a platform on the other side of a swirling portal that will take you back to the prime material plane. Right now you're in an unknown

dimension. Unknown dimension. Thank you. Thank you. Hello, Nasty. Sarah. Which one? Really thought you were calling, saying hello to me, Nasty.

No, the Beastie Boys reference. I got it. I get it. I'm going to go ahead and just, I'm deciding whether to make him laugh or make him cry. Oh. I'm going to. Tasha's hideous, I suppose. Yeah, that was really fun,

but it does mean that people can't really do damage on him. So I'm gonna cast instead. Ooh, no, I shouldn't because I might need, I might need, this is my last spell slot. So you know what? I am, yeah. And we might need to get out of here. So I'm gonna save my last spell slot

and instead I am going to mock him I'm gonna mock him viciously I'm gonna look at his gross desiccated body and be like

I'm gonna body shame him oh sarah just i'm gonna do it this is not politically whoa this is cancel culture all the way and i'm gonna be like you look gross get a filter on your face oh no before you show up here in my caverns, in my tomb, looking like that, because everybody here wants to puke just looking at you. Damn. All right, he's going to... You look disgusting, actually, and I don't even know how you ever held power

without anyone looking at you, because the only thing you can do is laugh or puke, looking at your disgusting, hideous, bony, ugly, desiccated, dry-ass face. Get some lotion. Get some flesh. Put the lotion on the flesh.

From the basket? 101 shit. Yes, from the basket. You will get the hose again, and maybe it'll wash some of that filth off your filthy, disgusting bones. Sarah, he's over there. Ma'am, this is a Wendy's. That was actually all for Friar Jolly.

Shift left. No. Okay. And he's probably none of this is going to do anything. Yeah. What is the saving throw he has to roll to remember if he has a Sephora coupon or not? It's a wisdom saving throw. Okay.

And at my level, it's going to do some damage, but it's 17. Okay. I'm going to roll this in the roll 20 chat for transparency. Ooh, a six. That's a fail. Okay. He takes ten points of painful emotional damage.

He needs to go see his therapist Tootsweet, because this is some real mean girl shit. Wow. I'm Tootsweet. Enter and get on my couch. He takes out his phone and starts going through his calendar to see when his

therapist is available. Will that do it for your turn, Sarah? Yes. I do quietly say to everyone else, this is, I was playing the role of a mean girl, just to be clear.

I never personally, I don't endorse body shaming of any kind. I don't know. He said it was all to me at the end. I don't really like that. That was Sarah making a fun little joke. She feels guilty, but she also knows that she played the part to perfection.

She did. She did. If only Baldur's Gate 3 had mid-combot dialogue like nerd poker. My Chicago accent came out weird there. I had a cold reading class with this character when I first moved to L.A. What scene did you do? Who'd you play?

Wow. Something from Flowers for Algernon. Brian loves when I force him to roleplay stuff. All right. I see things you people wouldn't believe. Something from Flowers for Algernon Brian loves when I force him to roleplay stuff Alright I see things you people wouldn't believe That's what they call an improv pimping Where you force somebody else to do something Because you don't have anything in the tank

Just say what you want I know just I'm going to start offering improv classes on you One of my favorite jokes in the Ninja Turtles movie God that movie was good. Mutant Mayhem. Jesus Christ. It really was good. Also, Bottoms. I just saw Bottoms on Friday. That movie is amazing.

Alright. I got all these guys. Oh, you got the little babies. They finally gave Donatello my glasses. I love it. Hey, can I... Vera said something really funny after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.

And then we saw Barbie. And she goes, my favorite part of Barbie is if you stay to the end, they have a scene after the credits where they set up her fight with Shredder. A funny wife. That's great. She'll be right back. A funny wife. That's great. She'll be right back.

I love it. Funny wife, funny life. It's a classic saying. I love my funny wife. I have it wood burned on a plaque. I have a plaque that just says my wife. I don't know why they didn't put a full quote on there. I have another plaque that says, Borat voice.

Oh, I got to get that one. That goes pretty well with it. There's a guy online that made a switchblade that says Borat voice. And then you click it and it says, my knife. That's pretty great. Okay. So the skeleton of the dead king is up

he is going to raise his hands up and start vibrating and you hear a loud ringing screeching in your ears everybody but it's not enough to hurt yet it seems like he is revving up to do

something. Friar Jolly, you are up. I'm sort of in the next chamber. Can I hear all that happening? You hear this piercing noise, yes. Huh. If I...

I'm, looks like I'm about 45... 5, 10, 15, 20... Sorry, 25 feet past a queep. If I ran back to sort of be like right behind queep, would I have Linus sight on... Like where I'm pinging right now?

Well, no, not to get past queep, but more like if I was... Ah, gotcha. I would make you roll a pretty tough perception check to see past both queep and the king of course queep can lean to the side but he is still a large bird man in the doorway as long as i can just see him i don't need to i can pull in a wing like as long as i can just see him i can use a like a cantrip for example that's just as long as i can see it's as long as a target that i can see that's who's the target you're trying to see the king oh yeah

skeleton wave your hands like you don't see him you can see him great so you're trying to see past him yeah yeah i will uh do that and then i'm going to uh like sarah i'm very low on spell slots um i'm going to try and cast Toll the Dead. He has to make a DC 17 wisdom saving throw. Oh boy. Here it comes. It's a 16.

Now Dan, he's already taken damage, correct? He's taking a lot of damage. Great. So because he failed, he's taking a lot of damage like yeah so because he failed he's gonna my role for this is 3d 12 plus 5 I believe yep golly okay so d12 2 3 D12, 2, 3. And then we're going to add 5 to this.

So 19 plus 5. 24 points of I believe it's necrotic damage. Yeah, 19 points as I will summon the power of the silver flame! Hear that sound of the flame? The commonly known fire sound?

It hurts you. Awesome. So yeah, he shakes and it looks like he is barely holding on to his physical form at this point. Okay, I'm going to use... It rattles his glowing form. I had to move four to get back.

So with the remainder of my move, It rattles his glowing form. I had to move four to get back, so with the remainder of my move, I'm going to start pulling back towards the elevator again. So I'll move ten feet away from Queep, away from the dead guy, and running back towards the elevator. Cool. All right, it is now time for the mysterious drow who's been frightened.

She is going to attempt to snap out of it. Nope. She is going to back up and cower over by the fountain. That's Dr. Uwud. I am going to move into range. I guess I can

maybe... I want to get within range. I guess I can maybe... So I can just... I want to get within range to thorn whip this guy. Thorn whip's got like a 10-foot reach, right? Thorn whip... Sorry, I just was looking at it. Most melee weapons are... You just got to be right up in their shit.

And then there's a few of them that aren't. This one's got a range of 30 feet. Yes, I have a big range. So you could do this from pretty far away. Okay, so I'm gonna do like 20 feet. I'm not sure... What is that here-ish? I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna

hit him, and if I'm successful, I do 3d6. 13 plus 8. Oh, that's very much a hit. So, 3d6. 11 points. Nice. Awesome.

And that's it. I guess that's my... Those are my actions. Cool. Well, he's looking like you smash into him with your whip and he's looking like equal odds that he's going to finish whatever he is doing magic-wise versus be shattered into a thousand bony ancient pieces.

And if that is your turn, that brings us to Queep, the Aarakocran Barbarian. I will attack with my boomerang-y blade of Kukla. All right. That is a...

Whoa! Turn that sound down. That's a nine Whoa. Turn that sound down. That's a nine on the first attack. No good. What do you mean turn that sound down? Is your phone making a little die roll? It was making a die clicky-clack-clack. Oh, I couldn't even hear it.

So that was a miss. Okay. And that's an 18. Oh, that is a hit. Oh, boy. Nice. And that's 12 points of damage. Smash is a gnome.

Oh, smash. Now, I am going to say, I know it boomerangs, but I'm going to make you roll a second time when it comes back. Because as far as I can remember, this is the least amount of room Kweep has ever had to throw the blade of Kukla and try and boomerang it back. So, uh, I'm gonna make you roll to hit one more time just to see if you can get it to come back to you

safely and not smash into a wall or your friend, Ronnie, who is right there. Is it like the Krull Glaive? Oh. And it'll only hit Ronnie if you botch. Roll a 20. Oh, hell yeah.

Roll some extra damage. Botchy ball. Oh, plus I have a bonus to that. That's a 21. Well, well, well. That is extra hit. Yay for me.

Cocklaw key. Roll the damage. Roll your damage. That's a six. It's okay, but it's not great. I know, and I'm just looking at his health bar. I'm having very emotional. We're so close to the end.

I love it. I'm going looking at his health bar. I'm having very emotional... We're so close to the end. I love it. I'm going to do so many cruel things, probably this episode and next, that I'm just, like, looking forward to the next chapter of the cruelty. And the health bar is so low, it's like, oh, I'm just on the precipice, you guys. He's looking pretty fucked up, Kweep.

Looking pretty fucked up. Is that it for your turn? I say, ha-ha, you're fucked up. Is that it for your turn? I say, ha ha, you're fucked up. That's a great use of a bonus action. Ronnie, you're up. Right on. Are we in roll 20?

Yes. That's just roll 18 with two fingers up your ass. Yep, yep, yep. Is the creature right in front of me? Mm-hmm. Would the creature describe his job as working with people, or... Are we flanking him? Not currently, no.

Almost. Queep has been keeping his Not currently, no. Almost. Queep has been keeping his distance a little bit. Okay. He's queeping the face. Well, I'll... I'll lash out. Sweet roll to lash. D, D, D.

I have plus five Maybelline. With, D, D. I have plus five, Maybelline. With my arm blads. All right. Neighbor has a new motorcycle. Can you hear it? 14 on the first one. Probably not a hit, right? Nope, I'm afraid not, sir.

Okay. I will take another swing. Ugh. Oh, boy. Even worse. Whiff him. Whiff him with my arm bloods. So he's just...

He's starting to reverberate back and forth with whatever power he is gathering. And, yeah, your arm blade is just barely missing him. Lame. Will that do it for your turn? I'll kick him as I step back into my stance. Unless you have an unarmed strike, I'm going to assume

this is dramatic kicking. I do have an unarmed strike. Oh, then please roll to kick him in the skeleton nards. Yeah. 14. I do have an understaffed. Oh, well then please roll to kick him in the skeleton nards. Fourteen. So close. For a nut, sir. Damn it.

Clear all. Fuck off. Oh my. He'll probably fuck off pretty soon. I was talking to D&D and beyond. Oh, is it being mean? Well, I'm rolling low. Oh, that is pretty mean. All right, I'm going to now ask everybody

to do a dexterity savings throw, please. I can't imagine why. Everything seems fine. Yeah, I can't. Finally, there we go. 23. Yay. 15.

And me. 11. Okay. And me. 11. Okay. Also 11. Oh, no. Okay. So those of you who got 15 or higher, which I think is only Ronnie and Friar Jolly,

you're going to be able to move out of the way of this completely, but everything is shaking from what is clearly some sort of connection that Valix had with this plane of existence. You're not entirely sure if what Valix is doing magically right now is contributing to it, or if he's about to cast a spell that's independent of his little pocket dimension collapsing. But his dungeon layer has been collapsing for a while

and parts of the ceiling start to fall down as there is a large eruption of energy that shakes the structure of everything. I'm gonna roll in roll 20 the bludgeoning damage that everybody is currently dodging. 13 points.

13 points of bludgeoning damage. Oh, okay. It's not a havesies. It's a hit or miss. Because you feel this coming. So Brian and I do not take that? You do not take 13. Okay. Oh, I just realized I have an advantage on dex.

Oh, roll a second time. Unfortunately, Winifred and Dr. Uwud are going to take the full 13. I got a 14 this time. Just missed it. It was a 15 is what I was looking for. All right. And how much? It wasn't an attack. It was not an is what I was looking for all right and how much it wasn't an

attack it was not an attack it was it was a environmental damage and how much damage I'm

sorry 13 lucky 13 all right oh yeah ow guys Taylor's favorite number

really uh Whitford do an insight check please it is your turn and I'm letting you do this at the top I'd be honored Really? Winifred, do an insight check, please. It is your turn, and I'm letting you do this at the top. I'd be honored.

Whoa. I rolled a two. Plus six. Things seem as rough as they did a few moments ago. Okay. Everything's fine, I say, as there's flames behind me and I end the meme taking a sip of coffee in honor of the meme it's your turn Sarah

oh it's my turn guys it's my turn do your thing I was like wait did I not make this? I didn't realize. She's going to tell. She's going to tell. So, again,

let's see. We're just trying to take this guy out with. Oh. Interesting. Shoot. I'm really upset about how Shinka and Gus. No, I don't like you. You're having a whole conversation in your head outside your head.

Oh, you know what? I'll throw you a perception check. Do a perception check. This is different from the insight. There is a different event, but you just mentioned something that made me think of something. Well, this time I rolled a five plus four is a nine. I mean, the mist of the crumbling ruin around you just makes it difficult to see more than 20 feet in front of you. Okay.

Whatever just really wants to jump into another character. um so um this time uh she's gonna viciously mock uh valix um and just be like i mean from watching this for me it's actually really upsetting to see you fall so far so fast so for you i have to imagine that this is like i mean absolutely heartbreaking to just watch everything you've worked for be stripped from you by a bunch of nobodies like us i mean that's gotta cut deep deeper even than if we knew what we were doing and we don't. So really you've just been taken down, destroyed, emasculated, deboned, put into another body that we're gonna crush immediately. I mean, is that hard for you or is that,

are you cool with it? Cause it feels like it would be hard. That's what I say. For Agile, you also hear all of the self-deprecation for the group, just FYI. You were reacting and I thought that was funny. Oh boy, he botched the shit out of that.

Oh no! Sorry, sir. You're gonna take ten more points of painful emotional trauma. Oh wow, I really thought he was going to pull this spell off, but how do you want to see this skeleton explode? Wow.

It's going to be pathetic. It's going to be the lamest explosion you've ever seen. You can't even die cool. That sucks for you. Right before he is struck by the last pain of the joke, he thinks he hears something over his shoulder, and he very awkwardly goes, like, with his arms in a really weird praying mantis position.

And then he poofs into dust with a very small, delicate fart sound. Winifred does a somersault and a bow from a kneeling position. Whoa. You know, please do an acrobatics check. Please do. Or I'll let you choose acrobatics or performance. Oh, okay. Hold on.

I think I'm definitely going to do performance. Roll to do a guitar solo at the Super Bowl. Okay. That's a 21 performance. Holy shit! You are all struck by just how dramatic

that death was and the fact that Winifred called it out with jokes and destroyed with words after all of the flying axes and silver flames that have been lobbed around. Wow.

Well, Fred, you, uh, really showed your ass on that one. Huh? Okay. I think that's the opposite of what happened,

but maybe I don't understand that phrase. You're just so mean for no reason. Everybody says it. Sorry. Just let me finish this text to TMZ. Just saw the next Bruno Mars! Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. Wow.

I don't really know that phrase. Does that mean like a monkey showing their ass? What does that mean? I feel like it means you like showed your true colors. Yeah, okay. In an embarrassing way, in a bad way. I don't know. I could be wrong.

I think it's... Because really what I did was incredible. I think Fire Jolly knows that. I give him a big hug. I lose... Six hit points. Let's get the hell out of here. You guys, it's getting really hard to see.

I assume you're going to rush for the elevator. Can I just get a do-do-do-do-do-do? What is, what did I want to do here? Can I get a survival check, please? All I'm going to ask is you beat a 10. I just had one question before this happens. I'll allow it, but you watch yourself, McCoy. Well, my question was just because I was going to do this before he died.

But is how far I can't the map. You know how World 20 is difficult for me. How far am I from the chamber where we think Hoshinka and Gus are oh right um I can't go through rock yeah you can't go through rock and it's about 200 as

the crow flies so to speak this sucks guys but I don't want to leave them in there but I can't I can't get them a message or anything okay I just want I just want it noted that they're in my thoughts I want to leave them in there, but I can't get them a message or anything. Okay. I just want it noted that they're in my thoughts as we flee.

Nice. All right. Survival checks, y'all. At 11 plus 8, 19. Oh, boy, queep. 27. Win it, Fred. Bye. Got a big fat bite. Oh boy, queep. 27. Five. Got a big fat five.

I rolled a four. Oh, you and me both. Does Winifred take a delightful bow after her thing and then the ceiling comes down and crushes her little head? Whatever, go out with a bang. I'm like that lame-ass lich. Tend to...

Her body shaming bought us some time you guys 14 you all go to run and get to the elevator Friar Jolly and Ronnie you make it onto the platform everybody else

you lose track of how to get around because the dust starts getting so thick and the sound of the rumbling structure gets so loud. You're not hit with rubble again, but you're not sure which direction you're moving at this particular point as you've lost all visibility. And let's... You just gave Fire Jolly a hug, Winterfred. So I'm gonna go ahead and say that you're actually a little bit

closer to the elevator because you ran up there and I am gonna scoot Dr. Uid and Queep up just a little bit. But that does not really represent where you actually are. You're not sure where you are on the map.

It's just to represent that you have made some progression forward. And yes. Does it help you to know that Winifred has a keen mind and technically should always know which way is north?

I'll let you roll advantage. But I'll tell you what, there's no north in this dimension. So good luck with that. So roll a second time on survival you mean yes this time I rolled exactly what I rolled the first time which was a three

so I did roll a three again plus four is a seven oh no alright so you proudly proclaim what a great memory you have as you stand in place I'm gonna use a lucky to re-roll my survival All right, so you proudly proclaim what a great memory you have as you stand in place. I'm going to use a lucky to reroll my survival. Oh, okay.

Dan, can I do something to help them? What would you like to do? I'm going to ask you to elaborate. Well, as a cleric of light, my first instinct is to make myself into a beacon. So I would cast light on my armor so it would glow brighter than anything else. So it casts bright light for 20 feet and then another 20 feet dim light. So my hope is that even inside of all this chaos and stuff, there's going to be a constant glow from me on the elevator to try and lead them. I will say 20 feet is about how far it's going to go. They need to make it sort of the stairs to the stairs to see who you would

know. And I will call out to them, follow the light! Dan, did I not get, did I not make it with a 19? Oh, I thought you rolled something else. You made it. No, I rolled 11 plus and I completed it. I re-rolled for a 16. Oh, I thought you rolled something else. You made it. No, I rolled 11 plus to complete it. I re-rolled for a 16. Oh, so everyone made it but Winifred.

Let's go! Can I try to guide her on the way? I see a beacon of light, right? Grab her. Yeah, a beacon of light. Unfortunately, you're in the sarcophagus chamber that you need. That's where you got lost. Sarcophagus chamber.

What was that? You're getting the light. You chamber that you need. That's where you got lost. Sarcophagus chamber. What was that? You're getting the light. You're getting the light. Wrap it up. Roll a perception check, Winterfred. Well, we've seen how this goes, but sure. Sure, I'll do it.

Oh, God. This time I rolled a 13 plus 4. Is it 17? All right. You feel something grasp your ankle. You can't see what it is. You look down and you can't even see like a silhouette. I'm giving you a moment of what your reaction would be.

It's something grabbing my ankle. Not that you know of. I look down and I can't see what it is i'm gonna tell me how you're reacting right now just just like looking down grab whatever's on me it quickly lets go of your ankle and grabs on your floor what's grabbing me of your ankle and grabs onto your floor. What's grabbing me? You can't.

You think you hear coughing. Do you need a tissue? You hear it. I just pull back away from the thing that's grabbing me? Is it Gus? Are you pulling it? It's grasping you. Are you dragging it? Or what areping you. Are you dragging it?

Or what are you doing? I'm going to press the digitate. Trying to shake free? Like a little light here so I can see better. Okay. You see that the bludgeoned form of Hoshinka is grabbing onto your arm she appears to have an unconscious Gus under her other arm um

okay I'm going to um oh shoot okay so I'm gonna immediately um I'm gonna immediately sing just loudly I'm just gonna say sing hallelujah um

the Leonard Cohen loudly. I'm just going to say sing hallelujah. The Leonard Cohen. No. Yeah. And then she's going to get a bardic I was going to say totally it would make sense. Point so that for the next 10 minutes she will be able to add it to an ability check attack roll or saving throw. That's the best I can do at the moment in terms of helping

them. But oh wait. Yeah. No we can't song right now okay there's nothing else i can do but but at least that'll help her get out of here hopefully um and then i'm gonna help lead them out i'm gonna i'm gonna move okay so now that you've got her, she's not even really like, uh, able to speak. She's pretty messed up and coughing. You can tell that like with the little bit of vision you have now, she looks like she's been hit by some bubble.

So she's not, she doesn't have armor on her shoulder is all ripped up. Okay. Her armor and her shoulder is all ripped up. Okay. I'm going to let you do one final perception check. God, give me strength. Percept this.

I rolled a two. Plus four is a six. Okay. okay you guys it feels like Winifred hasn't shown up and things are starting to get really violent the walls are completely

invisible there's just this platform that you guys are on and you know that you're supposed to speak the name of Eldrin to make this elevator work. So, or Eldrin the third specifically. The least liked, or worst

king royalty in the history of Vendaria. You're going to take an additional ten points of bludgeoning damage, Winifred, as another piece of rubble cracks you in the head. I think shake it off. going to take an additional 10 points of bludgeoning damage, Winterfred, as another piece of rubble cracks you in the head.

I say, shake it off by Taylor Swift, and I shake it off, and we're gonna find this platform. You know, when we get up there, we'll find a nice little theater, name it after Winterfred. Not going- It'll be a great way to sort of- Not going out like this. Need my opportunity to burst back in and go,

surprise, bitch, and it's gonna happen. It's starting... It's starting to get hard to breathe from how much dust there is in the air for all of you.

Well, I mean, I'm just gonna move. I guess I'm just gonna do my best to guesstimate which direction I'm trying to go. Okay.

Noted. Can I step off the platform back towards... They're still glowing with the light. Yes. Can I start heading back? Because I know where the room is, right?

Where she was? Yeah, you pretty much got your bearings in a good way because you made it to a central point in a central room while there was still good visibility or decent visibility. So I'm going to let you roll a perception check, keeping that in mind. Perception check, you say? Yeah. Ten. You think you hear somewhere

ahead the muffled sounds of Hallelujah by Wetterd Kohl. Kara's greatest goth! Hurry! I'll go and follow the the music hey I'm gonna uh I'm gonna hand Friar Jolly uh an end of a length of rope to take with him

oh great alright uh do an investigation check Friar Jolly this is going to be DC 15. Hmm. Well, Dan, I counter your 15 with a three. You're having a really hard time figuring out which direction it gets, but I'll show you on the map about where you are.

Again, you don't know where Winifred, Gus, and Hoshinka are. Okay. But you know you're at the top of the stairwell and you're having a really hard time hearing whether or not it is in front of you to your left or to your right and you can't see anything farther than five feet.

You can see that there is a sarcophagus on either side of you. You're like looking straight ahead, right, left. The rope is 30 feet, right? Ropes are 50, I think. 50. So let's just show you've got enough to get around the whole room.

But I would say this is how far you're able to get before you're like, ah, shit, I might only have like a few more seconds. Right. I will call out her name as bellowy loud as I can. He's really loud. Let's get a performance check from Friar Jolly. Oh. Midnight. midnight listeners

Chris Tallman did visually react to he is very loud just so you know that got something he bellows it's his whole thing y'all know this I'm not saying anything I mean there's layers it's a good thing in this instance I rolled a 20 amazing

Winifred that last crack to the back of your head has really made you feel a little bit dizzy and disoriented but you can hear straight ahead of you if you just feel the sarcophagus to one side

there is the bellowing voice of your favorite member of Ronnie's Raiders. Coming to rescue you. Coming in for hug number two. And then I'm going to drag them towards the voice. All right. So now I'm going to need both of you to trust Friar Jolly's role.

Now you've got a rope leading you. And although she is a little beat up, Winifred is not, like, you know, incapacitated or anything. So you get advantage with the rope plus her on a survival check to rush back to the elevator. Copy that. Okay, so first one is a 24. Hell yeah.

And the other one's 28. I'll take the 28, Dan. Oh my God. Well, with the 28, your bellowing wakes Gus up. It's like whale sounds. Yeah, I think the whole time I'm just shrieking. I'm just like... And, uh, yeah, you, you managed to drag the, the now fully conscious crew, you know, Gus is, is at one hit point and you are all on the elevator platform and we'll have to find out what happens from there on the next episode of nerd poker. Right on.

on the next episode of Nerd Poker. Right on. You're welcome. Crazy shit. Does Sam think it's crazy? I don't know if it's in the news. Hell yeah, where's Sam? Hi, guys.

All right, episode 56. We're in battle. My McDonald's arrived successfully. Valix and skeletons are being fought. Winifred mocked a skeleton to death and showed her ass. The building is falling apart and there's so much dust no one can see. Friar Jolly is calling out for Winifred and we're all following some rope around. What'd you get at McDonald's? Yeah, I want to know what you got.

True every word. Sam, did you get extra Big Mac sauce? yeah I want to know what you got Sam did you get extra Big Mac sauce I got I got the sausage burrito meal and a

bacon egg and cheese McGriddle meal but no Big Mac sauce that apparently is that's something they're doing now they now have like sides in the same way they have barbecue sauce in little tubs. Really? I think it's just some McDonald's, but I mean, Big Mac sauce.

How do you not have that available 24-7? I wonder if the one near Brian's has it. It does, but it also has Big Mac sauce. Yeah. It's just ketchup and mayonnaise. And metal jacks are in there too. Yeah. And some gummy bears.

Dan. Hi, I'm going to be doing standing up comedy in the Boston area. So when this drops, please keep a lookout for me at Boston comedy clubs, but I would especially love if you could come to where I'm headlining out in Worcester on September 10th. I'm headlining out in Worcester on September 10th,

I'm going to be at that's entertainment. The flyer is in my Instagram and, uh, I'll be at Ted Leo and the pharmacist show at Somerville. That's how it's pronounced, right? Is anybody, anybody,

uh, no from the Boston area, how to pronounce is it Somerville? Yeah. It's spelled S-O-M-E-R which I want to say summer because that's just like phonetically flows better. Somerville.

Okay. That's a good Boston accent. I think that's what's pronounced based on your accent. Brian, what are you doing? I've got two Michigan dates coming up, 28th and 29th of September.

And then the 30th of September, I will be in Chicago at our favorite place, the Beat Kitchen. And during the day from two to four, I will be signing comical books at Challenger Comics in Chicago. Looking forward to that. I haven't been there in a while. Well, a year.

I love the Beat Kitchen. It's always fun. So come by. And then I've got Cobbs coming up in October. I think I'm in Pittsburgh in October. I think I'm in Pittsburgh in October. But BrianPersane.com for tour dates. You can currently get

my book Scotch McTiernan vs. the Forces of Evil through Image Comics or go to a comic book shop and ask for it. And if they don't have it, make them order it and then go back

a couple days later and ask them again if it's there and if it's not, burn the place down. But go to a comic shop. And burn it down. A little short-sighted but you know just the first pretty quick with all that paper in there yeah uh that's it for me blame we attribute the success

save mankind for joining us on this episode you got walls and a roof well all the next episode of Nerd Poker, Sam has that dream where he's back in Earwolf, but he's not in his underwear. And Chris falls backwards

into his Zoom background like Lidsville, but it gets canceled after four episodes so Warner Brothers can write it off. All this, and Brian has that dream

where he's back in Earwolf in Sam's underwear. On the next Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069

Encino, California 91416 Thanks for listening.