Nerd Poker - S5E58 Mechanical Men Ahoy

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

There are warforged at the gates of the evil city... Probably friends, right? In the meantime let's try to get out of here without stumbling onto another boss fight.  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pussain, and you're listening to Nerd Poker. It's episode 58.

I know I keep saying that it feels like we're near the end, but it does each episode more and more. My friends are here. My dog's just walked in with my wife, too. Hello. But, Ken, what's up, buddy? How you doing? Ken, are you okay?

I'm your new dog. I'm your new dog. We're friends. Licky. Lick, lick, pant, pant. Lickford. There she goes. Probably stepped on my hello. She's followed Mel out of the room.

So Mavis is still in here, though. Bye, Licky. Hi, Mavis. Chris is here. Hi. I'm here with Brian's wife and two dogs. Dan, what's up, buddy? Hey, just stuff, you know.

I think I'm here with a dog. I left my door open and something came in my house. Nope, that's not a dog. Sarah? Hi, hello. How are you? Pretty good. How are you?

Good. Good. Good. Blaine. Licky. Hi, Brian. Licky. It's me. There's a full sun out today.

I always dog out when there's a full sun. Mm-hmm. I call it dogging out. That's what I call it. Right on. Sam's here. Hello, sweet children. How out. That's what I call it. Right on. Sam's here. Hello, sweet children. How you doing, man?

I'm good. Right on. Where's your little man? He's asleep. Has he already been outside? He has. He has. And where's Robin?

You said little man. I assume it's the Pee Wee Herman decoration that used to be behind you. Well, cool. Well, let's thank some people and get into some D&Ding. I would love to thank

Rad Zombie, one of our Patreon supporters who came out to see me in Worcester and gave me cash afterwards. Thank you, Rad Zombie. It was nice to meet you. And thank you, everybody. I had a bunch of nerd poker people come out to see me in old Massachusetts. I appreciated it.

It was lovely. And that was really fun. So thank you to those nerds. And also thank you to the Patreon supporters at our top tiers who are now going to get some shout outs. Thank you, Sir Swedish Sirloin Meatballs. Thank you, WV French Fried, which I'm only assuming is West Virginia French Fried. Thank you, Noomi. Thank you, Michael Bennett.

Thank you, Mark Edsel. Thank you. Why are you so loud? Thank you, Soomi. Thank you, Michael Bennett. Thank you, Mark Edsel. Thank you. Why are you so loud? Thank you, Sobe Deathwater. Thank you, The Other Zach Ward. Thank you, Roy Donk, King of the Tuk Tuk Sound. All right. It sounds like your D&D character is going great.

Thank you, Melee Kill Leaky Maka. Ah. Ah. Merry Christmas to you too. Thank you Sark's Microwaved Masterpieces. Thank you Brandon Brewer. Thank you David Flea Roth. And finally,

thank you The Surgeon Left a Sponge in Me. Oh no. Who are those Patreon supporters brought to us by. Patron supporters are brought to us by... Construzies! We get it. Oh, we get it.

Construzies. Dan? Wow, that was so intense and terrifying. I believe it is now time for us to discuss... What happened last time on Nerd Poker? Our heroes are, you know, probably done. There can't possibly be, like, one more thing to deal with. They killed the Lich King, and it seems pretty likely that he's gone forever

and they've made it out of his little pocket dimension on the astral plane. They're now ascending through the castle that they fought their way through. There are sounds of explosions outside as they take a little nap in the library. The plants told Dr. Uid, seems like some construct folk are attacking the castle. We now take you to the war that is already in progress. So you just took a long rest, right?

Did you finish it? Yes. Great. That answers that question. Let's see. There was an insight check right at the end of the last episode. Right. Did I record that?

Or did you roll it yet? You announced that you had written it down, but you will be forgiven of course, as in a post-birthday I have it. Hooray! I just found it. I have that Chris rolled a 19.

Ken rolled an 8. Sarah rolled a 24. Brian rolled a 9. And Blaine rolled a 10. I think Sarah got a 24. That tracks. So you guys are trying to figure out what happened. And it seems very likely, particularly to Winifred. But, you know, prior to Jolly, you and it seems very likely particularly to win a Fred,

but you know, prior jolly, you got it. You got an idea that you've heard of these people before you think war forged have assembled on our attacking Vendaria. War forged a. And when you say that, what is it that like,

when we wake up, what is it that clicks for us, Dan? Cause you just had us do an insight check. Like, is it that, like, when we wake up, what is it that clicks for us, Dan? Because you just had us do an insight check. Like, is it sounds? Do we hear this? I think we heard the attack. Then Blaine talked to the plant. And the plant said that some kind of, like, stone men or something were attacking.

And then we were like, what is that? What could that mean? Got it. So this is just us putting it all together? Yes. Got it. So this is just us putting it all together? Yes. Got it. Okay, great. Much like I will be putting my kitchen back together after this episode.

My cat is such an asshole. Your cat's under the sink right now with a big wrench. He opens the cabinets and just knocks all of the kitchen things onto the floor. He opens the cabinets? Yeah. Put a safety on the cabinet. That's what I need to invest in. I need to buy one of those kits where they click and the child does locks.

You know what you should put in those cabinets, Dan? A dog. Then they open the cabinets and... He's like a golden retriever puppy if a golden retriever puppy could jump 10 feet in the air. Oh, shit. Terrifying. Yeah. So he's trying his best to bark loudly while we record,

but it's just coming out this weird, painful meow because he's being ignored. And he loves to make noises to be looked at. Like you put that on monkeys. Yeah, so with that insight check specifically, I can give you a little more than the Warforged. That was me being distracted by my cat and giving you the short version because my ADHD was exploding. You guys are, you know, coming up one of the Warforged that you heard had been a part of getting the mantle of the Tenebrous One.

One Mr. Tick-Tock? One Mr. Tick-Tock. he was originally separated from a network of Warforged that had made some assaults on Southern Clottenheim some years ago. And you find that curiously similar in that the last time you heard the Warforged were doing that, Tick-Tock was on his way to get the mantle of the Tenebrousvers one which you now have on a lasso that you're tugging around like one of those invisible uh dogs on a leash um and it would seem they're they're opportunistically attacking the castle because they're aware something is happening it It's likely the army has dissipated completely

since the Lich King was killed, and they're all just sort of separating sort of galactic empire after the Emperor is slain style. They're heading into various places, just a bunch of undead elf soldiers going into mercenary mode, trying to hole up in a cave somewhere without getting killed.

And at this point, you're still in the castle and you're hearing explosions. It seems as if there's still something in the castle that the Warforged are trying to attack, but it would be opportunistic for aforementioned reasons. Do we think they're trying to get the mantle? Maybe. It's impossible to tell

from your current position the exact thing, but it feels like they're coming after something or trying to kill something. And are they bad guys or good guys? Well, you did get a 24. I would say Winifred could boil it down to one of two situations. Either

they're bad guys and they want the mantle for power. Or, I don't know, maybe TikTok has somehow reconnected with them and brought them to the side of good. That's probably what it is. All right. Well, we got to figure it out then, don't we? I don't think we've figured this out. I think they're bad guys. He just said they might not be.

Yeah. Dan's, you know Dan. He'll say anything. It would be a good idea to just kill the next thing you see. That's Dan again. Don't look at me, don't look at me. I think we should send out a messenger.

We have NPCs with you. You have... Can we ask Gus and Hashinka what they were... What were they doing? Dealing with? Yeah. We were trying to shut down a portal

to another dimension that Orcus had stepped through. Orcus showed up because he was on the other side of a portal and he heard some fighting and... Yeah, there was a portal to the Nine Hells in there. Oh. And you shut it down. Thank you so much, little friend. The ceiling kind of started falling

down while we were doing it, so not completely, but it was in a pocket of the astral plane. What possibly bad things could happen if you connect the astral plane to hell? It's fine. We'll never know. I want this motherfucking hell off this motherfucking

astral plane. Yeah, there we go. Sam, rewind that and play that again. So do we want to send, who would be the best person to go like investigate or like try to communicate with this army that's attacking? Because if they're trying to destroy the mantle or trying to destroy the

Lich King, we should let them know that we did it already. If they're trying to destroy us or take the mantle, then we gotta chat. Maybe we, like, as a group, move until we get to, like, close and then do sneaking? I'm worried about separating us all here,

you know, now that we're all gonna be crushed to death. Yeah, and the whole library, concussively shakes. Okay, so let's, I guess, try to get out of here. We're going to retrace our steps back to where we came in through the board the different way. Yeah, you have kind of a couple of choices in front of you, which, again, you rolled so high on that insight check

that I will kind of frame it with some likely details. Oh, my God, Duncan. So, oh my gosh, cats. What do you do? He's trying to unplug my computer now. So if I disappear, it's because he wants attention. Why can't he in the bathroom? That's what I do with my kid.

It's about wrap. Right now he's unspooling a paper clip and sticking it into that little hole. How's he doing that? I'm going to go put him in the bathroom. Oh, I was just kidding. Is that a thing people cat owners do? I don't know.

It is, and he's fine in there. I just, I always forget I could do it. I do feel like with cats, people with cats sometimes are like how other people act about people with kids. It's like you make it sound so terrible why would like that's what cat they just sound like like destructive they don't want to be touched except when they do want to be touched but only they get to decide that they have like little knives on their hands at all times what are we talking about why would about? Why would I invite such a creature

into my home? Because some of them are not like that. Yeah. Yeah, cats. I think cats are reflections of the people that have them. You can train them. Interesting. I'm going to tell Dan you said that. I had it.

Does anybody remember Lulu? Do you guys remember Lulu at my house? The Persian? Yeah. She was like the coolest cat I've ever met. And then I also had, with my ex, I had an Asian long hair or short haired. And she, or Yashi, and he was amazing. Like, if you raise them from kittens, and then if you get feral cats, they're going to fucking stay feral, mostly.

Or they're still going to have behaviors that don't necessarily fit with having an apartment. Or whatever. But I think if you get them young, you can train them to just be chill you know i've been i've always had chill cats so like i don't even kind of understand how you have asshole ones my mom's cat bitter all the time and i'm like well what the fuck do you do to it like you know uh and yeah duncan is fine dun just, he misses having a dog. I need to get another cat. Maybe a dog.

There will be a dog in my house shortly, just for dog sitting purposes. But yeah. Oh, Patsy my rectus. Yeah, that'll be interesting. He just wants attention and play all day. So you guys, where did we leave this? I know it was with me about to describe

something. There's two ways out. So you could literally kind of sneak out through the outer walls of the castle where you encountered that patrol, you know, and try to go out through the

animal pens where some creepy eyes in the dark tried to snag you. It was magically dark. It was awful. Or you could just kind of like out in the open try a different path. You could go through the courtyard outside. You're pretty close to the courtyard.

You're in a study kind of underneath the royal hall. Maybe let's go to the courtyard so we can get the lay of the land. If we're getting outside, we get the lay of the land. Yeah. And then wave a big white flag. Or, I don't know, or attack an army. You seem really ready just to surrender.

The first thing off your lips is like, oh, and then let's give up. Well, here's what I'm remembering, is that when we came in, everybody, there was like a whole giant group of people who were all coming to try to, like, take out the lich king right right we were one of many right so i just was wondering like if so if these are more people who are trying to do that then it's like then we're all team then we want yeah we're on the

teammate die lich die let's see i'm gonna try to yeah to... Yeah, that seems reasonable. And Ronnie is our leader, so it's like... I'm going to try and upload a sort of proto-map I had for Vindarius. You can get a sense of, like, the layout in more than just artistic Sean Bryant detail, which is very beautiful. I'm going to put it on roll 20

in a second. I'm kind of in the process. Maybe we can make matching t-shirts that say if you can see this, the lich fell off and then wear them out of the casual. Sarah, I'm sending you a muffin basket. It should be there right now.

Oh my god. That is a great shirt. Why aren't we making that shirt, Sarah? I'll look into it. Okay. You know what would be easier than trying to put this on roll 20? I'm going to share my screen.

Oh. Technology. Wow. Wow, my screen's all share. We should make one that says check your lich also. There's so many lich puns. Okay, so this is like...

I'm sure they exist on, like, Redbubble or whatever. Don't go there. Go to our website when we make it. This is, like, what I gave Sean. It is sort of a basic outline. You guys are underneath 11. 11 is kind of the source of magical power. The royal hall

is 7. There is a courtyard at 8 and 6. You guys kind of snuck in through that thin line between 11 and 3. There's a thin line. And 10 is the animal pen area. 10 is the animal pen area.

10 is the pen. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And we're seven. Okay. And the open air part is? Six and eight. That's like the center courtyard.

And then there is a large summoning circle at one by the main gates. Oh, right. Don't you guys, can't we summon, don't you guys have like a amulet that can summon us straight there? To the courtyard? Yeah. You do. Some people in this group, I think, do.

Doesn't it seem like a Satan circle? Yeah, I don't know like the direction this is going, Dan. It's just getting a little occult-y. Just looks like a Motley Crue record to me. That's what I mean. It's really, really bad.

Okay, well, that would... I would say let's try to get to the... Let's go to the courtyard area or teleport there if you wanted to. That's my vote, but... I leave it to Ronnie to decide. Let's teleport there. Can we all teleport or is it just one teleport per necklace?

I bet if we're all hugging while we go. I give Friar Jolly a big hug. I'm teleporting. Yeah, you have two. You have Queeps and Dr. Uwud's. You could give it a shot. You just gotta twist it. No, that's probably not a good idea, right?

No, Ronnie wants to. Ronnie, do you want to go by yourself? No. I thought we could go together. We all try to, like, hold hands in a circle and see if that works. I mean, we can just walk. Yeah. You could just walk.

It is about an hour walk just because of how hard it is to get through the main doors. Yeah. Which, you know, we're kind of jammed and collapsed shut. But you do feel like Dr. Uid and Queep,

if you were to use this thing, the intention you were given all that time ago was it would take you to the courtyard where you would be greeted by King Valak so grateful for you having given him the mantle of the Tenebrous

One. His last bit of consciousness seemed pretty anti-you, but there's no reason to assume he had access to changing the magic. It should just take you right to the courtyard. Let's walk. We're going to walk.

We need the steps. Brian, I don't think likes the sound of my voice when I'm describing how harmless it sounds. Okay, we're off to walk, walk, walk. You head up out of the study into the royal hall.

There's a couple of chambers here. There's the throne room. There's the room where you fought the purple worm and almost died. A couple of you ugh worm fingers were lost and reattached

ugh without having to really make any decisions you're able to get up until the room with the purple worm and the doors that open into sort of the main wall between the inner castle and the outer court guard. And there, there are two giant doors

that have some rubble kind of blocking them off. But you know, on the other side is open air of Clottenheim. The explosions seem much closer, not on the other side of the door. This doesn't look like new rubble. This looks like something that's been here for centuries. But it does, you can like hear

through the air, just outside the door, the sounds of battle. Ronnie, are you eager to join the battle? Well, I want to get us out of this fucking building and finish this game. You keep saying that, but it's been

about three years, and I don't think it's over. If we're out in a courtyard, can Queep fly up and just sort of do a quick recon, see what's going on out there, and then come back and report? Not easily. recon, see what's going on out there, and then come back and report? Um,

not easily. There's a ceiling here, right? There is a ceiling. You're indoors. Oh, man. We're not quite there yet. You could send a scout, though. You had talked about sending Gus or Hoshinka. Is there enough of a gap in these sort of doors that Gus could at least

fly out and take a look-see? No, unfortunately. How did we get through? Did we come directly through these doors before? No, you came south down a hallway that was connected to the outer wall. So I have dimension door, which could be me and...

I can dimension door out. If I use knock, they're not locked, right? They're just like like, blocked. Correct. Then you can tell. Okay. That's my Sassy Dungeon Master answer. As far as you know, it's completely unlocked once you move the rubble,

and that would not make your all episode work on a door. Yeah, can we move the rubble? It would take, I think, something a little magical extra or an explosion of some kind. A little nose candy? Explosion. A little nose candy.

A little bootski. All the lifts are running. Is it ski season? A little toilet sugar? Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm going to cast scatter at the most substantial piece of rubble that looks like it might be. Bitter battery, bitter battery. So you guys, I would say probably we'll head south. If you can get kind of farther down the hallway you originally came from, so there's some distance between you and the explosion.

Roll your shatter damage, please. Okay. I'm going to cast it at what level? Shatter damage. I'm going to cast it at the sort of fourth level. Also, it's a spell attack roll, right? Since we're talking stone, why don't you roll that also? Because I do have Castle Rock Armor Class in my spreadsheet of woes.

Well, it's a Constitution saving throw, but any non-magical object that isn't being worn or carried also takes damage. Cool. If you could roll a spell attack as an alternative, that would be great. Okay. i don't if you could roll a spell attack uh as as an alternative that would be great okay i'm clicking the button and get hold on okay i have to do it by hand here it is i see it i'm in it's coming so 11. Oh, that's quite a magical number. Yeah, there's just a concussive kadoosh as everything explodes north.

You manage to get all the rocks and some of the door is, yeah, 17 points of damage. You manage to knock all the rocks, but not as much as the door, but like the door is damaged. Not in a way that would keep it from opening. They're two giant wooden double doors. It looks like the iron rings on them are still semi-attached, these big, you know, iron rings that they probably had,

like a soldier would have to be pulling open to let people in. But does it look more free, like, clear, like we could open them now? Yeah. You could open one of them. Can I have everyone roll a perception check? About how clear the door is? No, just

in general. 22. That's nice. 7. 19 plus 4, 23. 21. Oh my god, you guys. 12. I just hope it doesn't distract from my joke about Combustion Kadoosh being the number one realtor in Glendale.

Glendale. Glendale. Everything I touch turns to soul Fry Jolly you kind of get sleepy all of a sudden you kind of tune this out I got some peanut butter crackers in my fanny pack and those peanut butter crackers smell pretty good Ronnie with a 12 but you got three 20-plus rolls.

Winifred, Queep. And what was it, Blaine, were you over 20? 23, you said? I was 23, yes. So you guys, there is something large moving around in the courtyard on the other side of this door. Probably success. You hear shifting. in charge, you're shifting in a, uh, uh, a sort of like

echoing wine, almost like a machine. Um, but, but like also could be organic. It's, it's this echoing, um, like low screech that kind of comes in and out of the edge of hearing. Sounds safe. Yeah, that's good. It's a good thing. Is it like an outside noise coming from outside? Yeah.

And Hashim goes like, do you want me to try? There are windows. Me or Gus could maybe get up there. Gus is easiest. But there are, you know, there try? There are windows. Me or Gus could maybe get up there. Gus is easiest. But they are like archers' windows. They are very thin, narrow. They are high up. There used to be, it looks like, some sort of scaffolding for the archers that is now gone.

Gus, he may be quick, but it is small. I think only Gus squeeze through. You have to clear all the garbage out. You give it a poke. Gus or Blaine could shape shift. Wild shape or whatever. Yeah. Flying snake.

Think about a little baby Quetzalcoatl. Ooh. Baby Quetzalcoatl. Let's try Gus. They're not like glass windows proper Yeah yeah we got those little Castle things So Gus offers He can go up there and

Bring a little stick and try to scrape it out But he looks to you Dr. Uden and wonders If you would rather do it I'll do it I'll turn into a flying snake. Sick. Covered with green grass. The original cue.

Except no substitutes. So you turn into a flying snake, which those things look cool. If you look them up on the old D&D Beyond, they're really... It had to be flying snakes. Oh, there's a whole movie about them. I don't need a plane,

so put me on this motherfucking seat. You perched on the little stone window frame around the archer's thing, and you can kind of look up a little bit. There is something large sort of it almost looks like shifting like a big shape in the middle of the courtyard. You'd have to poke some of the rocks in or out with your tail to kind of. I'm going to try to pull the rocks back toward me so they don't draw attention to myself.

So this is going to be a stealth check. And it would have been with disadvantage if you hadn't said bring them in. 16 plus 7? 23. Very deftly kind of... There is a huge, slimy, just pile of flesh

that is gray. There's like black veins all over it and it appears to be attached to the ground by these weird slimy almost like tendril-like

ropes. Gross. It's kind of completely awful. Does it have like a mouth or a face or eyes or is it just stuff? That much is very hard to see from this.

It doesn't hear you. Whatever it is. And what else is out there besides this thing? Do I see mechanical men? Do I see mechanical men? Do I see equipment? Right now it's still other than this. Do you think this is maybe something that the courtyard has been appropriated to hold?

You think a couple of things. Why don't you roll an insight check? Dr. Ewing? I will. 17 plus 8. 25. This seems like probably a safety being of some sort.

Some last resort type thing that the Archledge set up in case of an emergency. And it's been here for a while. Do I get the feeling that it just showed up or it's just been hanging out? You rolled pretty high. It seems like

it has been recently activated but maybe set up a long time ago. Alright. I'm going to fly back down and What's that, Dr. Wood? The well? Lunch.

Save and go outside and hug the slime monster? First syllable. Second syllable. Third syllable. It's Dirk Benedict. The movie. Oh. Dirk Benedict The movie Oh Dirk Benedict

I'm going to I'm going to spell out What I saw in cursive With my snake body Really Really don't want to come out Of wild shape do you Huh

Nah I'm going to stay in here For a while I like it Alright Well what do you think Leader Um Is he spelling it out Yes Well, what do you think, leader?

Is he spelling it out? Yes. He's describing a ball of... In beautiful cursive script, he's described a ball of shivering, quaking flesh tied to the ground with ropes of black, veiny sinews.

Yeah, amazing alt text. That the arch-ledge set up as a defense system is what he thinks. So what should we do? Hey, oh, Dan,

can I ask you one more thing? What did I think it was doing? What did I think it looked like it was doing besides just being tied to the ground with tendrils? It looked like it had its back to you and it was breathing. Oh, okay. Maybe,

uh, there's no, uh, metal men in there because they were like, yeah, I don't want to fight that thing. Let's just kill it with fire. Oh, all right. they were like, yeah, I don't want to fight that thing. Let's just kill it with fire. Oh, all right.

I also think, yeah, Dr. Udi would be like, this is, if you were to destroy this, it would be of some value to the meat, to the downfall of this castle, all of that stuff. Kill it with fire.

Kill it with fire. Kill it with fire. All right. Kill it with fire. Yeah, let's start killing stuff. Do you open the big double doors? With a mage? Yeah, we checked them for traps, or we checked...

No, we haven't. Oh, yeah. Somebody has to check, I guess. Check the doors for traps, somebody. I'll do it. I think you're the best at it. Sure. Let's get an investigation check.

As you sneak. 20. Nice. You examine the door. It doesn't look like there are any sort of mechanical traps or triggers, although you do get a sense there is some sort of magic trigger involved. You think it's pretty uh

unusual that looks like there's like this little light um lit up blue thread that is connecting the two doors like inside the gap between the two of them so it's almost as if it's going to magically trigger something when it opens, but you don't even know that it's a trap. A little electric eye thing. It might be just like it warms up some cookies when you walk in. Oh, that'd be nice.

I think just passive insight amongst all of you would be able to go like, okay, some castles have some sort of scrying eye that keeps an eye on people. Once they enter a secure area, it could be certain things turn invisible. Certain things get a magical shield. Doesn't have to be an offensive trap.

Can we disarm it though? Potentially. I think you would know you would need some sort of magic to disarm it though. I can dispel magic. Yeah, dispel magic. Cool. Just hit me with what level you're casting it at. All right.

Well, it's a third level spell. So why don't I start there? I'll try and cast it at third level. So the stats that would be DC. The DC is 10 plus the spell's level. Great. So give that a roll. Got it. Alright, so my spell bonus is... The spell attack? Is that what this would be?

Um, I think so. Okay. So my spell, so my bonus is... an ability check using your spell casting ability it says great um

so maybe so then it would maybe not be an attack just a mod just the modifier yeah it's an ability check yeah

DC so it's plus five so it's a total of eight Dan hmm yeah I bet it disappears nothing happens um shit guys It's Dan? Yeah. I bet it disappears.

Nothing happens. Shit, guys. I don't know how many spell slots you have. Nobody else can do this? All right, I'll try again. I can, no, I can do it. I can do it, but I don't, yeah, I don't want to waste any spell slots, but I can try.

I'll try once at least. Okay. At third level. So DC is 10 plus the spell level, right? Okay. Mm-hmm. 17. Hey. Nice.

So yeah, this time, there's a little blue sparkle that shoots out of the gap from the doors as you dispel the trigger. Nice. You gonna open that door? Thank you, it was. So nice to hear those words from you. They really mean a lot.

Huh. Namaste. Well, open up the door then, Winter Fred. Let's see what's on the other side. I'll take 30 steps back. We mage hand the door open. Whoever is going to open the door, and multiple people can do it, it'll be a stealth check.

Can the mage hand open the door? Yes. Good try. Yeah, mage hand open the door. The mage hand open the door? Yes. Good try. Can the mage hand open the door? The mage hand open the door. So that'll be still a stealth check from you. I will let you roll it with advantage. Okay.

And relish. So that's a 24. Uh, so that's a 24. So you're able to, as slowly as possible, kind of, like, ease the door, um, like, like, out. Uh, it, it seems like the door is meant to go out, but there's, like, a very light latch. So you have to kind of like push it through. It takes a minute and then very slowly just ease it wide enough for the biggest amongst you,

which I believe is Queep, to be able to glide through. I'll try. Well, sure, you could try because I just called you out for being large, but would somebody like to why don't you give me your exit order, your sort of marching order? Well, sure, you could try because I just called you out for being large. But would somebody like to... Why don't you give me your exit order?

Your sort of marching order. Why don't we go stealthiest to least stealthy? Is there a way our leader could perhaps... I don't know. Peek ahead. Is there a way he's sneaky or something? Shadow step. Shadow step.

Oh, yeah. You want to shadow step out there? Yeah. All Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll do that. Shadow step out there? Yeah. Alright, Brian. So, you peek out the door and you see there is a couple of small towers in the courtyard that you could bamf into the shadow of. You about to do this thing? Yeah.

Great. So, you um, you're in the shadow of one of these towers Right next to this huge Slimy white tendril You look at about 15 feet in front of you There is this

Let's see about how big About 60 feet long Pile of Pulsing, breathing gray flesh. How big? Sorry. About 60 feet long. Okay. Pretty long.

What do you think about that, Brian? Let's attack it. Do you want to have everyone else come out and attack it with you, or do you want to just stab it right now? You can throw fire on it, whatever metal way of attacking you would like to.

I'll take a couple strikes at it. I love that. All right, man. Roll the attack. What are you? I mean, we're just

trying to get through. What should I do? Sarah, should I come back and get you guys? What do you think? I mean, I think it's way more fun that you went out alone and just start being like now

is my moment and i'm gonna solo attack this 90 foot thing i think that's way more interesting but i but i do feel like you might want some backup but if you don't yeah i think it will be awesome and i'll come back okay i'm just saying winifred would write an incredible story if you literally just go out alone and then come back covered in blood and guts and are like, I did it. I slew it. I'll come back and tell you guys that we should all go together. Okay.

Are you sure you don't want to get a play yourself, buddy? I shadow step back. Okay. Don't kill out of guts on me. Shadow step in. Gus and Hoshinka are going to try and find some of their own shadows to perch in while somebody more durable

kicks off the attack. I am going to place them on a map I'm not quite revealing yet. And then I'm assuming, Ronnie, you're going to also kind of like get near the shadow you were in before. Maybe shadow step back to it.

Yeah. What is the order for the rest of you? And what are you going to do with the mantle of the Tenebrous one? I'm kind of loud and clanky. So whatever we do, I should probably be like last. There are some trees in the courtyard and a small statue. Maybe Gus could guard

the mantle since he has like one hit point or whatever anyway and so then he can let us know if something is amiss but. He offers to take the rope from you. Sir Gus, I believe you were made for this job. I've heard of your adventures and I look forward to working from you. Sir Gus, I believe you were made for this job.

I've heard of your adventures and I look forward to working with you. He looks up, putting his chin way up in the air, closes his eyes and says, I'm ready, boss. And then he takes the rope from you and just starts strutting around in a circle. Cut to two people in the theater.

He's dead. That guy's gonna die. What is the exit order for the rest of you? The other four of you? I can fly through really quickly and easily.

I'm gonna put you up front. I have a seven stealth. Okay. Let's roll together after I figure out What order you're You're exiting in So I can prep the map

I'm gonna cast Greater invisibility On Gus and the mantle As well So that he can just Ooh smart shit Alright And then who's next

After Dr. Uwit Kweep Friar Jolly Hoini Fred Uh Two to itself Uh I'll go. Okay.

And then Fragile or Queen. Like I said, I should probably be last because I'm more than likely going to not pass my stealth check. Alright, then let's get a stealth check from everybody and here's how this is going to work. Nothing catastrophic is going to happen as long as everybody gets over a five.

If everyone gets over a ten, you will get that over a 5. If everyone gets over a 10, you'll get that marching order. And if everyone gets over a 15, I will explain the layout and you can pick. Cool. 19 plus 7, 26. I am a tiny beast, by the way.

Unaligned, tiny beast. 3. That's what I got. Oh boy. I got Tiny beast. Three. That's what I got. Oh boy. Okay. I got an eight. Okay. And then what'd you get, Winterfred? 17. Alright, so something catastrophic will happen.

But I will say, because you rolled so high, Dr. Urid, you can kind of... Are you still in flying snake form, or are you in being form? I'm going to stay flying snake for a little while. So you exit and to your left there's a small turreted building. On your right is a statue.

There is a fountain in the center that this sort of large lump of flesh is wrapped around. And then on the other side of the courtyard, you think you see a couple more little mini turrets? Huh. And then as soon as you tell me where you're going to go, something's going to happen. What's the highest place? Something's been rubbing. Probably

one of the mini turrets on the opposite side, kind of far ahead to the right on the opposite side of the mini turrets on the opposite side, kind of far ahead to the right, on the opposite side of the being. Okay, I'm going to fly up to the top of that thing and just park for a minute. Cool. Well, as soon as you park,

Friar Jolly is going to just kind of accidentally kick a rock down the short steps leading up to the royal hall. I bet I can kick this rock real far. Rock! And Winifred, Queep, you look behind and you're like, fuck. There's a sudden start as the giant blob of flesh reacts to the sound. It turns over and you see that there is one of the big black ropes is stuck into the top of its head.

The other end of it is coming out of its mouth. Dan. It has two pupil-less glowing yellow eyes. Sort of atrophied limbs. These, these long, uh, black and white tendrils like dripping and drooping off of it connected to

the ground. Uh, it is a 60 foot long fleshing half formed baby. Oh, uh, everybody roll for initiative on our next episode Kill the baby Of nerd poker

Hi Sam Look at Sam's face When he came back Are we rolling for initiative Next episode we're going to kick it off With an initiative roll Episode 58 Blaine is a snake. There's something tied to the ground that's gross from the Arch Lich.

It's 60 feet long, a pulsing flesh. We're going to attack it. It's gross. It's a giant half baby. Yep. Anything you want to plug in? Sure. I'm going to be doing a ton of shows around L.A.

in the next month leading up to Halloween. I'm going to be doing a ton of shows around LA in the next month leading up to Halloween. I'm going to be doing two shows at the Nightcap. I'm going to be doing Popular Kids Club coming. I'm not sure when is this going to, is this next week's episode or the week after? Okay, cool. So yeah, I'll be at Permanent Records Roadhouse. Yeah, that week at Popular Kids Club and then Nightcap. And then I'll be doing a cancer survivor show, storytelling show at The Crow out in Santa Monica.

And I'll be at Largo with Chris Fleming. And there's a little shit all around L.A. before Halloween. So keep an eye on my social if you're in the area. Cool. I've got Ferndale, Michigan coming up. Grand Rapids just sold out. But Ferndale is close. So buy your tickets now. That's in two weeks, 28th. And then I've got 30th. I'm at the Beat Kitchen in Chicago. I'm at the Beat Kitchen in Chicago.

That afternoon, I will be at Challenger Comics from 2 to 4 in Chicago, signing anything you want to bring, really. But I'll be doing my new book, Scotch McTiernan vs. the Forces of Evil, that I did with Jerry Duggan and Scott Koblish. Release date's coming soon for the other books. The Rifters, my time travel book that I did with Joe Troman, is really close. And fucking Grommets is one of the coolest things

I've ever been involved with. I'm so excited about the art. People just seeing this book, that skateboarding book I've been talking involved with. I'm so excited about the art. People just seeing this book, that skateboarding book I've been talking about for two years, but it's so close and we'll have release dates very soon. More tour dates, brianbassine.com.

I've got COBS coming up. Please, if you're in San Francisco, come sell those out. Let's fill that room because it's super fun when it's full. And I'm bringing Johnny Taylor to those shows. So those would be killer. Brad Wenzel's with me for the Midwest Michigan Chicago run.

Brad Wenzel, a very funny comic. Look him up. I think he's done the show, hasn't Brad? Maybe? Nope. I don't know who he is. He's such a funny dude. He does real Mitch Hedberg type stuff and Stephen Wright type jokes. One-liners.

One-liners, And they're really smart. He had this great joke about Pee Wee Herman. And he's a young guy, so he wasn't alive when that happened. But he says how Pee Wee Herman, he knows why Pee Wee Herman went to the movie to masturbate, because you would, too, if all your furniture had eyes. You love it at Levitt's. That's such a funny joke.

Smart, smart guy. Come see me with Brad Wenzel. Anybody else? Blaine? We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this epi... You got walls and a roof?

Well... Oh, that's nerd poker. Brian gets poop on his stick. Oh, wait, that's turd poker. Sarah gets verbs on her stick. Wait, that's word poker. Dan wakes up a turducket. Oh, wait, that's bird poker.

Chris annoys little Miss Muffet. Wait, that's Curd Poker. Ken corrals some wild... No, that's Herd Poker. All this and Sam has two other poker jobs on the next third poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.