Nerd Poker - S5E59 Final Final Boss

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

The doors to the courtyard have been opened and the real, very really final boss of the campaign has revealed itself. Will our heroes triumph or be smote upon the cobblestone? Listen and find out!  For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Pussain, Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev Dan

Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Poussaint, and you're listening to Nerd Poker, my show. With me.

My friends are here. It's episode 59. Nice. Yeah. Two fingers fingers i don't know anyway does someone say two fingers what's up buddy uh uh i am for the show nice sarah's here. I am. Hello. Hello. Dan is here. Everyone knows 59. This is what we do. We move on. No, I know. I just, you know, can't follow Blaine. Don't make me follow

Blaine in the intros. Are you still talking? Dan's here. Who? What's up, buddy? There used to be a whiskey or scotch slogan that was two fingers is all it takes. Oh, yeah. Fascinating stuff.

And then one in the ice? Yeah. Isn't two fingers more of a tequila thing? I guess two fingers can be whiskey. Yeah, I feel like I need a drink. Don't ruin fingers, guys. That's a little light. I'd go three fingers whiskey.

There was an old Benny Hill joke where he... Two's a little light for me. So is that the pink or the stink? Well, here's the old Benny Hill joke. He goes, I'll have two fingers and then when they start pouring he goes is there a whiskey listeners blaine just moved his fingers apart to show that as the

poor happened he wanted more and more and more like scissors great old sex guys chris is here Hey, how's it going, Brian? Hey, man. How are you? I didn't realize all these times you were saying with two fingers that specifically they were Blaine's two fingers. It's always Blaine's two fingers. It changes it a little bit. It's thin. My fingers?

Yeah. Because you're skinny. I have fatter fingers than you. Yeah, it's true. Proportionally. Look at these big fucking things. Get those away from me. Big orangutan claws. You have those

wispy... Oh, Jesus. I was going to try to hold my elbow up, but it didn't read. Dan, where dan where's the cat oh he's in the bathroom he's been a loud boy again i let him out between recordings because i felt bad but as soon as we started talking he was like this is for me and he came over and started howling as a friendly adjuster and i was like no thank you thank you. Because it's a distraction. Sam's here. Hello, sweet children.

How are you? I'm good. Nice. Is your cute dog still asleep? Yeah, he's still out. Gone. He's done for the day. He and the cat are fucking some stuff up right now.

They have a secret tunnel. Oh, no. Well, you know how they can see each other if my cat's in the bathroom? They go through the toilet where the rats go. Yep. Into the toilet. The animal superhighway. Shall I thank some people?

Yes, do it. Everyone knows, by the way, that episode 69 is just episode 59 with 10. So I would love to thank some Patreon supporters who go by delightful usernames like Eyeless the Friar. That's a great, rocky cleric joke, I think. Thank you, Jockey Chan.

Thank you, Bart Hozier. Hozier? Hoser? Thank you, Jim Hollingsworth. Thank you, Death Atlas, with some numbers for vowels. Thank you, Benjamin Vaughn. Thank you, Heck487. Thank you, Crispy Kid with an acid wand. That's the closest we've come to being subtle with that.

Thank you, DiscGolfTravelers. And finally that thank you at disc golf travelers and finally thank you the two dollars sark spent renting troll 2 from video yogurt express and then in parentheses the iron kettle which is i assume a name they actually go by blaine who are those Patreon support is brought to us by Nashville Cold Fusion. That's cold. Cold Fusion. Nashville Cold Fusion. Pops do not stop energy.

Dan? Blaine? You blew the mic out so hard we only heard like a couple of random gross words. I think listeners will hear the whole thing, but we only hear the... Your quick time caught it, but Zoom did not know what to do with you being back with the microphone.

Zoom swatted that bit to the ground. It just said, no. I wanted it to sound like one of those radio ads that's recorded way, way, way, way, way too loud. Well, it will. Monkey paw curls. I believe it is now time to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker.

Wow, a giant baby to kill. That's going to be fun. We now take you to the battle. So you guys, it's time to, you know what, roll for initiative. And I'm going to go ahead and go to roll 20. And I'm going to crack it open. So you can see the giant baby you're about to fight. Is this related to the giant baby

that we fought in another campaign i guess it was a sark campaign is this it was you know what it is it is a tribute an homage to that homage this is not the greatest song in the world is only a tenacious debriefing. Yes. So, welcome to that silliness. I was like, oh yeah, I gotta clear the turn order, so that

is... That's a bad looking baby. That's a baby? That's a big baby. I feel like... A baby what? Oh, good God. I feel like I really have the perfect being in stat block for this situation. And I hope you enjoy. Let me know if you have trouble finding your player tokens.

Good Lord. It's horrible. Yeah. You'll love it. You'll love fighting it without a lock. You'll love it? A little bit. You'll love it. I love it. In Russia, you'll love it. I love it. You'll love fighting it without a lock. I love it. I love it.

In Russia, you love it. I love it. Blaine, you did that to me. This is Houshinka. And even though he's inside, I had Gus roll some initiative. And you can see Gus and the mantle are in the hallway on the far left. You came from the left on this map. And we're rolling initiative. Yeah, boss.

And I'm going to be probably manually entering this. Six from Friar Jolly. Boop, boop, boop. Clicking around, clicking around. Clicking around, clicking around. Clicking around. Seven from Queep. I around. Seven from Queep. I have a seven from Queep.

Yeah. What is it? Oh, is this initiative? We're rolling initiative. Sarah, what you got? Sorry, I was trying to do it inside roll 20, but you know my relationship to roll 20. So I'm not going to do that anymore.

I'm going to do it here. It's an upsetting relationship from what I remember. It is. Um, 12. Cool. I also have a 12, which is a nine plus three.

What is your two's dex? Uh, my dex is a 17. Um, mine is a 17. Mine is a 17. Whoa. Now we have to... Dance off. Dance off.

Dance off. Oh, you know what? Yes. You said dance off. Now I want it. Now, as the battle begins, I need a dance to see who's going to be reacting faster. Please roll a performance check, Dr. Uwud and Winifred. I feel like that's Winifred's bread and butter.

Brian, do you have an initiative? Yeah, 10. Awesome. 3 plus 4, 7. Yeah. I just did a split and did a shit. Winifred rolled the number 30

for her performance check. What does this 30 dance look like? Yeah! Basically, she just opened a new Sondheim show on Broadway. It's a one-woman show that's gonna run for 37 years. No one's ever seen anything like it. It's basically Cirque du Soleil meets Cats? Hamilton?

I don't know. Yeah, Hamilton, sure. There's a lot mixed in there. Anyway, it's incredible. Everyone who walks out can't believe it. They buy a ticket for the next night right away. Sarah, can you give us a little one of like the Hamilton sort of hip hop inspired numbers? Would you believe that I've never seen Hamilton or heard a single track

or song in my life? On Disney+. If you'd like to hear a rich man rap about colonialism, it's right there. Actually, someday I would like to see it. I will say that I've heard a drop of Hamilton.

My critique? Just okay. I liked it, but but yeah it's also just you know I know there was a backlash and then a backlash to the backlash but you know whatever I like Lin-Manuel Miranda but I'm really more of a Lin-Manuel Samantha solid

solid hilarious bit of business that's some... Alright, so... That's a long way to go for a Sex and the City joke. But we're there, aren't we?

Now they've rebooted, so you can reboot all your Sex and the City jokes. Now it's got a fucking title that you can never remember. It's got a dumbass title. I know this isn't the right crowd to ask this question. Has anyone else seen some of the Rebounds? No, but I get updates from my sister.

She gives me like... Oh, this is the wrong crowd. It is... It is... Sam just popped on. Sam's not here for it. Sam. Can we talk?

Okay, so why is Che the worst stand-up comedian of all time? We're a biggest trap. I don't know how they thought they could do this. They always do. They do it all the time. There's a whole Twilight Zone with that. It's like you can't write a funny comedian yeah it's so it's our band's gonna be huge bigger than the beatles yeah and the worst song in the world except that thing you do where they wrote that thing you do

yeah oh yeah that was a fluke that was a fountains of wayne it's possum adam schlesinger i only just saw that thing you do over the holidays last year, and I was like, oh, I slept on this. Yeah, and I haven't seen it in a long time, but the song is pop perfection. Sex and the City reboot, though? Yeah. Oh, good.

That is like the main plot point. Sex and the City. Sex and the City tonight. That's the only one I want to worry about. What is the name of the new one? And something something. Don't pretend you know exactly what it is. I see the smile. Look at him.

I honestly don't know the name of it. It's called In Just Like That. It's like the higher. Because that's like how she signs off her things or she says things like that. No, it's because she's Kaiser Sosek. It has glimmers of the old show, but it truly revolves around glimmers that everyone's supposed to love. And they're really unfunny and hostile and mean.

And it is just a disaster. I'm going to pass. I know you were really looking for it. Yeah. All right. I stand by my Lin-Manuel Samantha joke. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So this giant pulsating, disgusting body horror baby. Yes, so top of the turn order is Hoshinka. So she is going to stab. I don't think this will be in the nerd poker log, but I am rolling off for D&D Beyond. She got a 16, and that is a hit. This thing's got to be pretty easy to hit, right? It is a blob of flesh.

Giant, yeah. Have I re-described it? It is just a big, huge throbbing, 60 foot long sack of gray skin with black veins. A big umbilical tentacle stuck into the top

of its head and roping out of its mouth tied to one of the turrets or kind of like connected to the ground underneath into the dirt. Actually, before Hoshinka lands this blow, she's gonna, you know,

do a little sneaky attack into this thing's umbilical cord. Can I get an insight check from everybody? Just for fun. This is a funsies one. It might affect your decisions, but it might just be for finale. I've made up my mind.

23. Wow. 1 plus 5. 6. I rolled a 1, but I have an eight. So nine. Wow.

And Chris, what'd you say? 24. All right. So I believe that is Barjali, Rani, and Winifred all in the 20.

You put together this thing is probably meant to be some sort of demigod body that valix was hoping to ascend into oh okay and then this it was not done cooking y'all say why does it gotta be gray it's a great question i blame the&D Beyond entry for a tropal. Dan, can I push that? Because you're saying it's a demigod body, does that mean this thing is a demigod?

It's a not-cooked demigod, but that's what this thing is. You did roll really high. I'm going to give you that this is considered, as far as creature type, a titan. And it is classified as huge undead. Ooh. Undead, you say. Okay.

Yes. And so, I'm just taking it's going to be seven points of damage to baby boy. Boop, boop, boop, boop. This is like Bosh, baby.

Hirano's Bosh. Now, is it attacking or doing anything? It's next in the turn order after Hashinka, who's now going to make an off-hand attack. Oh, can't wait to see this.

Boop, boop, boop, boop. I'm making, oh, that's a hit with 17. And now the damage is going to be a five. She's not hitting hard, but she is hitting. I will say a couple of things to y'all high insight nerds. It is looking like she is easily just like plunging it in, but it's almost as if the flesh bends around,

like it's almost resistant to physical damage. And it's just sort of like, like, like it seems half conscious, but angry as if it can't achieve true consciousness yet. Like as if it won't in this fight, but that it will still be incredibly dangerous. Gus is is up he's strutting around in a circle and then we've got winifred gross um you are gross i'm glad you said it was it was next up in the turn order oh shit you're

right i i i described it and took it as a turn. So it is now going to attack, eat everyone. Oh, not to ask for homework or whatever. Sorry. That is my way, but I, I am so glad.

Yeah. All right. I want to know what it's going to do before I do something to it. Yeah. Whatever. Martin, you so cool. If we were dead before we got our turn,

it's going to slap down a, a big hand in Hoshingka's direction she's gonna do a constitution saving throw i'm gonna put this in the roll 20 instead of on her sheet because i think it's nice when you guys can see my rolls she has a plus zero to her constitution why does she just get in there like that? Rolled an 8. And that was a DC 19. So, she gets grabbed in its hand.

Uh-oh. Starts shaking. And she's going to take 8d8 necrotic damage. Jesus. Oh, no. From being touched by it? Holy shit. And squeezed. Got it.

38 points of necrotic damage to Hashinka, who, you know, she's a rogue. Doesn't have a shitload of hip points. We gotta fucking kill this thing, guys. Up next is gonna be Gus strutting a circle. Winifred. I'm just making sure I can use this on

Undead, but I don't see anything about it. But I'm going to cast Raoulothym, am I saying that right? His psychic lance. Where I unleash a Shimmering Lance of Psychic Power from my forehead at a creature that I can see. And it has to make an Intelligence saving throw. Ooh, okay. And it's an enchantment spell, so. So it has a plus seven to Intelligence. Boop, boop, boop, boop. There that roll comes. It's an 11.

It rolled low as hell. Okay, so that's a fail and it's going to take a lot of damage. And what type of damage is this? Psychic, you said? Psychic damage. It's going to take 35 points of psychic damage. And it's going to be incapacitated until its next turn. Oh! I hope that means it's going to be incapacitated until its next turn. I hope that means it's going to drop Hashinka, but.

It does. If it's incapacitated, it means it loses concentration from spells and any grapple type situation. So Dan, I got to answer the door real quick. Do you want to pause or? Yeah, let's, let's pause real quick because you're coming up in the turn order. The true up next will be Blaine, but then it is going to be Brian.

Alright, so we take you back to the baby witch. The ranch of eggs. During the break, it's now got eight villagers mangled and hanging out of its gaping maw. No, just kidding.

Nothing like that has happened. But Blaine, it's Dr. Ewitt's turn. I am going to... I'm going to have to turn back into myself. So I will revert to my normal form. Okay. And you saw where I dropped your token, right? It's about what you asked for.

Yes, I'm up there. Okay, yeah, saw where I dropped your token, right? It's about what you asked for. Yes, I'm up there. Okay, yeah, there I am. I am going to cast Wall of Fire against... I'm going to try to put the... I can put a 60-foot wall of flame around something. I'm going to try to put it around part of it that is not close to anyone so i'm not separating anyone from it so that we can attack it but i'm gonna uh put

a wall of fire around it that it will not be able to get out of right yeah so i make a wall and you're around it not into it is what you're Yeah, I can make it up to 60 feet long. I'm just going to try to put it right around the edge of it so that it's burning it and it can't really move. So when the wall appears, each creature within its area must make a dexterity saving throw on a failed save. It takes blah, blah, blah. And it keeps doing that if it's within 10 feet of that wall.

So I'm setting up this wall right up against it. Okay. So I will draw a little lane. I think the best place for 60 feet of it is a curve between you and Ronnie. So I'm going to do my best to illustrate that. So you and Ronnie can still get in there. But it can't back up that way. That leaves this southwest corner open for Kweep and Friar Jolly and Winifred.

Yeah, but that's right up against him, so he can't move, right? So he's going to take 5d8 fire damage. All right, roll that damn damn. 10, 19, 21. So 21 on this round. Alright. Sounds good. So far this is stuff that he is not immune to.

Y'all are doing great. And did you say more damage, Blaine, or am I just... No, that's it. Sorry. Oh, great. Pardon me for the completely unnecessary pause, listeners. I hope you enjoyed the ambient music that played so peacefully in the background. Ronnie, it's your moment to punch a baby. You're muted. Okay. Oh, no, you're not.

No. Get a look at him. So, yeah, there's like a wall of flame that Dr. Uwe just kind of cast between the two of you. So he can't back up in that direction. Okay. I'm going to run in and arm blade him. And I have great news.

He is just barely flanked. So you can roll this with advantage. And by the way, the air is just filled with the smell of burning necrotic flesh. It smells like a pile of corpses has been lit in a plague zone. Oh, crit. 27. Oh! Crit. 27. Roll that damage.

20 plus 7. Roll the damage, double it, and then how could I let this go? We gotta do that crit table. Beautiful. Boop, boop, boop, boop. So what's double double that dice damage and then

18 and then yeah 18 and then 3 so 21 21 points of is it slashing and then so you definitely feel as you cut into it's rubbery gray flesh

that it is not particularly vulnerable to this type of damage. It's resisting it a little bit. But I have great news. You crit it so you get to roll a D100, boss. Stay tuned after NerdPoker for a very exciting episode

of Magnum PA, where Magnum goes to Office Depot for Red Vines. Magnum PA, right after Nerd Poker. Real low, 17. Okay. So that means... You plunge your arm blade into the umbilical cord sticking out of its head,

and you rip a little bit of a sinew out of it so part of the ropiness of it is gone and it it screeches horribly at this part of the audible sound spectrum that is barely hearable uh your ears tingle and um you just see this like black slime like kind of splatter out of its mouth as it shrieks. You're pretty close to its head. So you've got to even like after you slash at the umbilical cord, you like step back and dodge a little bit to keep from getting hit with flecks of demigod demon baby spit. Cool. I'm going to take another swing.

I'd like to see you do it. Or two more swings, because I've got a... See? That's a 20, but then let's see what else. 23. Nice.

Alright. Roll that damage. Seven. Okay. Again, you cut into it. It feels like it is not hard to land a blow, but that it feels like physical slashing type stuff is hard to pull some of its flesh out with.

Fair enough. And then you said you got one more thing you're going to do? No, that was it. Okay. Cool. And, Queep, it is your time to murder. I will Rage and Frenzy. I will rage and frenzy.

And then I will attack with my boomer boomer blade of kukla. Sweet. I love the idea of you, Ken, also just like hanging out, getting coffee, and saying I'm gonna rage and frenzy. It's the coffee talking.

Also, taking a flanking position, if I may. Absolutely. And it is now flanked because of where Dr. Uid and Fearless Leader are. All right. And I'm going for the umbilical with my attack. All right. So, first attack is

a crit. Oh, fudge! Yeah! We gotta creep! Gotta milk that table. That's the umbilical. So, what do you want me to roll damage

and double it? Roll your damage and then, you know, double the die damage. Add the bonus without doubling it. And then tell me what that is. And then I'll let you roll the D100. And it'll be like, Merry Christmas. I guess you're at the 34. Woo, baby.

All right. So, you know, this is not easy to rip at, but you do get like... 34. Woo, baby. All right. So, you know, this is not easy to rip at, but you do get, like, more, like, as you cut into the, like, flesh and it spins, it just pulls a bunch of half-formed muscle tissue out and it spills out of it like tauntaun intestines as the axe starts to curve back towards you. Whoa.

All right. Do I roll my 100 too? Please, please do. Let's see what I get. 36. Yeah. That is in fun territory. So it is going to

slap at the blade of Kukla and try to knock it to the ground, but it's going to get a big gash on its wrist while you do that. So roll a 1d6. Oh, dear. That's two. All right, two more points of little cut damage on its arm.

Now I'll attack it again. Uh-oh. That's a 13. That is a hit. Oh. This thing's armor class is seven. It's a little sticky baby.

Did you say stinky or sticky? Sticky's a little sticky baby. Did you say stinky or sticky? Sticky. A little sticky baby. You know how they are. I do, but that's not the word I expected. It looks sticky. Seven. It is, and I hate being reminded of it, even though I put it in here. All right, so

Hluck has more grayish white under flesh spills out. That's all I can do until my next turn. Lovely. And that is going to take us down to Friar Jolly. The Silver Flame may now have its turn. The words of his friends echo in his ears. And he's so he sort of like lifts up his hand and he summons the power of the silver flame. And he's like, kill it with fire.

And he hurls a fireball. It's you know, I want to center it. It's a 20 foot radius. So I want to center it, I guess, basically on its face. So that way it'll just burn up umbilical and eyes and all that stuff, but not any friends. And this is, is that a dexterity saving throw? It's a dexterity saving throw, Dan, DC 17. Cool.

Well, he is a negative three to dex rolls. Cool. Well, he is a negative 3 to Dex rolls. Cool. I'm doing that in the roll 20 chat for visibility. That's going to be a negative 1. Mmm! So he actually opens his mouth for it. Yeah.

Huh? Mommy? What? So I i believe so that's 8d6 fire damage that's right 26 points of fire damage all right it explodes right inside its cheek okay a little bit of like silver flame kind of coming out of its lower eyelid on one side. Oh, fun. And then I'll sort of, as I'm running, Dan, it looks like on the map the creature is moved? Is that right? Oh, okay. I accidentally

moved it slightly. Just want to check. I'm going to wave at Winifred and be like, yeah! For the team! And I'm going to move southeast. So I'm sort of... You said there are these, whatever, like little towers or ramparts or whatever they are?

Ah. I'm going to try and get some cover behind this one to the, I guess, what is that, the southwest corner one? Yeah, southwest, it's like a little statue in a tree. Yeah, I'm going to kind of duck behind there and get some cover. So, are you trying to hide? I can't hide. I'm just trying to get some cover behind it.

Got it. Brian, were you asking something? No. Oh, I thought I heard your voice. I was just going to say, fuck you, Caillou. Oh, it's about time he learned a lesson. He is a little bit of a whiner. I hate Caillou.

We'll just call this Caillou from the rest of the fight. Hoshinka's going to disengage because she has like three hit points left and she's going to go behind this Rampart and fire her crossbow. Thank you, Chris, as always for bringing words like brazier

and Rampart back into my vocabulary. Oh, medieval architecture all right and so she's gonna land nine points of piercing damage you know before i potentially have to have it for various resistances uh and then that is going to actually be it for her turn because she can only do that one ranged attack. That'll bring us then to baby town. Baby's real upset. It can't quite reach Friar Jolly who just exploded its face. But it can reach Kweep. Let's see here.

I don't like that. Go Kweep. It suddenly turns its head at you Kweep and it's, its eyes get really large. Can you please roll a constitution saving throw? And it was incapacitated, by the way. It had all kinds of things it could have potentially done between your turns that it did not do. But keep in mind, this has

legendary actions and shit. That was the 11. All right. You suddenly all see this burst of bright yellow energy fly out of Kweep's mouth as his back arches up and the energy sort of rockets into the Atropal's eyes.

You are now going to take 8d8 necrotic damage. That baby's got the look I don't want to know better. 37 points of necrotic damage. And it quivers as it receives your energy. How many? 38? It appears more robust than it did

a moment ago after several attacks. 8d8, so 37 points of necrotic damage. Yeah. What if I don't like necrotic damage? Then that's something you have to talk to your parents about. I reject your damage. Oh. Return it for store credit only.

All right. And I think that's gonna do it. So that will then bring us next to Winifred. Because he continues to strut behind the door, proud of his invisibility.

Is invisibility a concentration spell, by the way? No. Yes. Shoot, it is. You're right. Because it's greater invisibility. But at least he's still behind the door, right? Okay.

So sorry, that's done for him now. I guess now I'm going to cast um... You guys know that spell, right? I'm going to cast Shatter this time. Why not mix it up? At the interior of its guts.

Did you say that back in the day of attacking a door that was a constitution saving throw under usual circumstances? It is, yes. Okay, so this is going to be a plus six bonus to its constitution. Pardon me. 24. Oh, okay. Well, forget that then.

But it's going to take half as much damage. So let's see. And where are you trying to hit it? Right in the center of its guts. Great. So, it's going to take half of 35 points. Hey. You do the math.

All right. So, you know, you smash it into its stomach. There's an explosive burst as its belly shakes like a waterbed pulled out of its bed frame. And, you know, the whole thing quivers. He definitely took some damage. But as was noted, it is halved. And then there are potential resistances he will have, which I am in the process of looking up and talking my way through.

But no, I don't think he's got any resistances to that one. He's going to take half a 35, which I calculate to be 18. All right. Well, I do it for your turn, Winifred. Wernerford. Dr. Uy, you're up. Wernherford. Dr. Uyderup.

I'm going to keep the wall of flame going, or the wall of fire going. Yes. Do another 5d8. Nice. Ooh. Get him, get him, get him. 11 23

31. Alright. 11 23 31 alright well the smell of burnt giant baby fills the air as huge chunks erupt off of its body and descend into the air it cinders like giant black maple leaves

yes damn hey I want this one to sound fun. Anything else you'd like to do other than continue to keep your wall of flame going? I'm just keeping the wall of flame going. Okay. Ronnie, it's you.

And you versus Caillou. What you've always dreamed of. Um, yeah, I'm to just keep doing it. Alright, I'm going to arm blade him. Okay. Roll the stabby. And then I do have advantage, right? Yeah. 22.

I'll take it. Bless you. Bless you. That was three sneezes. Roll your damage, please. Four. All right. And then let's get that second attack.

17. That's a hit. Roll more damage. Nice. That's four. Bless you. Blame. You did it. damage. Nice. That's full. Bless you. You did it. Eight. Cool. So you keep slashing

at it. I'm going to have if you don't make this roll I'm about to have you do, I'm going to have Queep make it. But if you do make it, you can just communicate the insight to Queep. Could you do an insight check, please just communicate the insight to Kweep.

Could you do an insight check, please, Brian? Yeah. That's low. Nine. All right. It's unclear what you can do. Oh, the sneeze is so close to happening. It's unclear what you could do to possibly solve the problem of you're getting really good solid blows on this Tubbo Flash,

but it's really hard to cut it with physical weapons. So if you had rolled high on that insight check, I would have given it to you. And because Queep is also doing melee non-magical damage, I will give him a shot at contemplating it as well. Okay. That'll do it for your turn. I don't really have any options. Yeah, it's tough. But I do have a suggestion if you roll high

on an insight check now for this turn. Me? Go ahead. Yeah, it's you. So I can roll my insight? I wish you would. All right. Because as Ronnie is cutting it,

he would, I think, say something to you about just, it's getting clear that something needs to be done. What is a 15? That'll do it. It occurs to you that this thing can take a certain amount of resistance to all these physical attacks, but it is tethered between large physical structures, and you feel like there might be something you can do in the way of improvised physical attacks

that would do much more catastrophic damage than a simple weapon attack. You note that there are these umbilical cords kind of like dug into the dirt underneath the towers. There are three small ramparts around this thing that could potentially be toppled onto it. And a few trees, a few trees as well that could be potentially used to your advantage. But you know the dual

blade of kukla did damage but it was like a perfect throw and you can see that you and ronnie's you know sharpened blades as hard as you hit it the flesh almost seems to form around your blade as you cut it most of the time yeah i'm wondering if i can constrict the umbilical cord like with a rope or something tie a rope around it and choke it off. That's not if you like. I will try that. Oh, God. Remember that rope I had that was necrotic?

And it would attack people and just squeeze the shit out of them. Necrotic lasso. It was Tomb of Annihilation a couple years ago. Yeah. Oh, my God. That was killer. So I'm going to tie the rope to my boomerang

axe. Get it around the umbilical cord. This will be a whoo. If we're going to use the dual blade to do that kind of lassoing, let's do an athletics check. Alright.

The boomerang. That's a 26. Oh, yeah, you got this brother. You managed to just flies, spins around, brings it back, you catch it and you can quickly tie. I'm just trying to tie it completely tight as I can. And so what I if you're what you're trying to tie it completely tight as I can. And so what I, if you're, what you're trying to do is just tighten it. I will say using your movement,

you can basically like force yourself forward or back, like away from the being to put pressure on it. Um, so let's have that be a strength check. And it's going to be the same armor class as if you were attacking it. Alright. That's a 19.

Ooh, that's certainly a hit. So this is going to be 2d6. And it'll be force damage. 10. You pull really hard on the rope,

and Winifred, you've got a pretty good advantage on this. Firejolly can peek around the statue. When he pulls it tight, you just see Black Iker spray out of the umbilical cord as he constricts it to a very small point

and it screeches loudly filling the air with dog whistle level howls. Like an ambulance went by? Can I tie that off now to something? To a tree? Absolutely. I'm fortunately going to make you wait until your next turn to do something

that fancy. Well, I have three actions. You have three actions? Yeah, because I'm frenzy. What a fancy boy. Yeah. You can use, I would say, I just thought it was two, so I was giving you like you throw it and you pull. Let's use your third one, yes,

to tie it off. That'll be a survival check, boss. Okay. let's use your third one yes to tie it off that'll be a survival check boss okay one of your attacks that you've been doing was a bonus that's a 20 on survival oh baby yeah you get it around

I'm gonna now draw you've got an umbilical cord here tied off against this tree. And so I would put your token there. All right. Sounds good. Cool.

And then is that your turn? That is it. All right. I don't think I have any more. It howls in pain. I don't think I have any more. It howls in pain. I am going to need everyone

to do a constitution savings throw. 17. All right. 53, 18. All right. I did good. What'd you get?

Four. I got a four. Three. That's not good. Oh, I thought I was going for a low. Should I roll again? Oh, I can roll again. I have a lucky. Oh, you want to use your lucky for this.

Lucky! Come on, baby. Twelve. Nope. Unfortunately, this is the legendary action known as Whale it has a DC Constitution saving throw of 19 I gotta get

I can't do this So you all take on A level of exhaustion Oh As your heads are filled with How so hard It takes a lot of stamina to continue to steal yourself for battle.

You are all now going to take disadvantage on ability checks, which includes things like FLX and survival. Lovely. It's under conditions at the very bottom. I think it's under temporary conditions. It's under the badge. Oh, yeah, at the bottom. Oh, I have it at the top right where your hit points are.

It can be pretty rough. So there yeah, at the bottom. Oh, I have it at the top right where your hit points are. It can be pretty rough. So there's six levels of exhaustion, the final of which is death. Yay. After this speed gets affected, more things get cut in half and things start to get whoopsie doodle. And then we're almost out of time, but I love when we can end at the bottom of the turn order so we can start at the top next time.

Hey, Chris Tallman, Friar Jolly is up. As he becomes one level of exhausted, I think like bags kind of appear under his eyes or maybe more bags appear under his eyes. And Winifred, you notice that via the bags, it seems Fire Jolly is suddenly aging. Yep. I'm like, you, old lady!

And suddenly I'll go, the silver flame returns! And I will, at fourth level this time, hurl another fireball at the thing. Okay. So it's got to make a same deal DC... I think it's 17 dexterity saving throw. Let me just check that. Yes, DC 17 dex. And it's got to make a same deal. DC, I think it's 17 dexterity saving throw. Let me just check that. Yes, DC 17 dex.

And it's just lying there. Oh, 15. Rolled a 15. Sweet. So here comes 96 of fire damage. 33 points of fire damage. All right. Well, it explodes.

Where are you hitting it? Same deal. I think especially now that queep is kind of like pride that one umbilical out of the way i'm kind of imagining that it's sort of pulled the creature sort of uh sort of like face forward towards friar jolly so he's again hurling it umbilical face mouth burn all that shit up Great. You toss the motive flame and it just perfectly like a bomb into a Death Star hole just flies up one of its nostrils and explodes. You see more flame shoot from under its eyelids and the air is filled with the smell of darkly burnt marshmallow baby it's a bad baby

it's not dead yet but you guys are really fucking it up bad we'll have to find out what it's like to either be killed or kill a giant disgusting baby on our next episode of nerdy pokes hello sam hi everyone episode 59 we're still fighting this big flesh loaf uh winifred's psychically attacking it dr wood's putting a wall of flame around it we're exhausted from fighting it uh and finally friar jolly bursted into flames yay i'm glad that you guys took this route yeah you could have snuck out and then it would have just been like in the finale. Like, oh, then this happens. But I love that you're facing it.

Yeah, I've got a bunch of shows in LA. Please check out my socials. I got stuff at various dates. I've just got a lot on my calendar. I'm going to be doing Good Heroin on Saturday the 30th, which is a show, but always fun to say out loud.

The show is called Good Heroin, but also it just sounds like I found a really good stash of shit. Brian? Merch, as always, for Nerd Poker is available at, isn't it just nerdpokermerch.com? It is nerdpokerpod.com slash merch. Yeah, okay. Nerdpokerpod.com slash merch.

I think it's nerd, well, who knows? It's nerdpokerpod.com. Is that wrong? Nerdpokerpod.com. Just go to nerdpokerpod.com and all your needs will be sold to there. Yeah. Don't worry about slashes. You know what?

It's slash collections. Nerdpokerpod.com. Don't worry about slashes. You know what? It's SlashCollections. You can get there. You'll get there. There is really great merch. You will all enjoy it. I know you want it. Tour dates.

Tour dates for me, BrianFersain.com. I've got Michigan and Chicago, and I've got Pittsburgh andorsane.com i've got uh michigan and chicago and i've got pittsburgh and toledo and i've got san francisco all coming up uh let's fill that san francisco show though um the midwest shows are pretty full already uh but keep them coming gleapop, as we said on Mr. Shizzo. I've been watching that stuff with Rhodes, and I've just been watching the Sarah Silverman episodes. Fuck.

Funny shit. That we could never do again. That's it. Oh, Scotch McTiernan versus the forces of evil go to a comic book shop and buy it from a person and hand them money

to pay for it anything else a blade we attribute the success to save mankind thanks for joining us on this episode A blade Sarah impersonates a Today Show weatherman. Oh, wait, that's Nerd Broker. Dan freezes in a spelling bee. Oh, wait, that's Nerd Joker. Chris gives Maurice a lip. Oh, wait, that's Nerd Joker. Ken impersonates the former sheriff of the Federal...

Oh, God, that's Nerd Volker. All this, and Sam finds the frog has been fucking up his room tone. On the next Nerd Croaker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at

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