Nerd Poker - S5E6 Feathery Fury

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

Looks like the first fight of the campaign is a bloody one, as dozens of harpies begin to dogpile our heroes and the hit points begin to disappear. Hopefully everyone has the stamina, and the level 8 powers, that they need to make it out alive. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five.

Hey, everyone. I'm Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Nerd Poker. You know that. You put it on. You're no dummy. It's episode six. My friends are here.

Look at him. Uh, Chris is wearing a Star Wars shirt. You like Star Wars? I have heard of such a thing. Sarah says it is poisonous to the touch. All right. I like Wars in the Stars. Yeah.

Yeah. Ken does too. Sometimes. Totally. I like, I like space treks. I like star battles. Dr. Mork.

Uh, Oh, Dr. Mork is the best. Dr. Mork. Yeah. Yeah.

Dan's here. Dan knows, uh, things about spy fight or space fight. Oh, I sure do. He loves, uh,

space fight. You know me and my Babel Star Galaga. It's really great to be up in the Galaga stars. Battlestar Galaga was fucking fantastic. Not the original, but

the remake. What do you like more? Galaga or Galaxian? That's the real nerd test. I don't know the difference. Uh-oh. With the video game? Which one did I play in the green room of the American Comedy Club in San Diego? Can you remember? I said which was better just

two weeks ago, Brian. Galaga. Galaga. Correct. Galaga's better. Galaga 2. Electric Boogaloo. That's somebody who we haven't introduced yet uh blades here hey blaine and sarah hates space wars all of them she she wishes that no no space creatures would ever have wars against each other i feel like this bit has to die now because i'm the

only one with a recently introduced to Star Wars child, a six-year-old who I don't know if you guys have met six-year-old boys who get really into Star Wars, but guess what? All I do is talk about Star Wars now all day, every day. Who's my favorite villain? 30-minute drawing tutorials of

Kylo Ren, who we haven't even met yet. Is he the favorite villain? Because obviously we haven't watched those ones. Yeah, he's obsessed with Kylo. I think that's from seeing him at Disneyland. But yeah. Kids love the wrong ones. That's so common. But also talking about it all the time. That was, Rhodes went through that.

Who's your favorite? Who's your favorite? We're doing the Legos. We're reading the little golden book versions and watching the movie and watching the Lego Star Wars version. So now, now it has to die because now I know I'm more immersed on a daily basis in

the wars of star than any of you at this point, as long as you don't show them the prequel, we're fine. Live long and prosper. Did you guys read Han Solo at star's end yet? You should read Han Solo at star's end. Have you tried like lying to them about some conspiracy theories about the plot?

Cause that could be fun. Do you know this place? Is that Darth Maul? No, it's Thrawn. Remember they did those Thrawn movies in the 90s? They did three more recently, and they're great. I have a Thrawn action figure from the 90s. Nice.

Who do you guys think is going to play Grand Admiral Thrawn in the movies? I've been thinking about that one. I think it's Sam. I hope it's Army Hammer. No. Hello, sweet children. How are you doing, buddy? I'm good.

Where's Ramen? He is cuddled up on the couch. Anytime my girlfriend's over, I don't exist. Oh, so he's with your girlfriend we've never met from Canada. She goes to a different school. You don't know her. Oh, so he's with your girlfriend we've never met from Canada. She goes to a different school.

You don't know her. Oh, God. What is going on? Oh, no, you killed Brian. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's my favorite science fiction series is Rendezvous with Ramen. Science fiction, though? Science fact. Yeah. Space food. I also like the Saturn's three. science fiction science fact yeah

I also like the Saturn's three sure Farrah getting them out in the 80s in space what a weird choice I remember that Kirk Douglas, Harvey Keitel

and Farrah Fawcett made her a robot you know what movie my grandfather hated that he had to take me to that one. Kirk Douglas, Harvey Keitel, and Farrah Fawcett made me a robot. Oh, that's a good movie. You know what movie my grandfather hated that he had to take me to? Fucking Logan's Run. Oh, my God. That movie infuriated my grandfather. Why? Because he didn't want to go anyway.

I mean, my grandma made me take him, or take me. He made him take me. And he just did not enjoy a second of it. He said it was ridiculous and stupid and just ranted about it the whole way home. Was he older than 30 at the time? I quite enjoyed it. Yeah, of course.

He was like double that. He didn't want to go to Carousel. He would have gone to Carousel twice. Yeah. Brian, did you always want to go to Carousel. He would have gone to Carousel twice. Yeah. Brian, did you always want to meet Box? The robot? Oh, yeah. It's been so long.

Yeah, yeah. I have Plankton Seagreens from the sea. Oh, Blaine's getting a prop, everyone. Uh-oh. I always loved the tagget on Battlestar just because it was a dog in a robot costume. That made me so happy.

So cool. Is that a Blade Runner gun? Blaine, tell everybody what you got. It's not a robot, but just a... Oh, that is a Sandman's gun. Yeah, Sandman pistol. Where does it say it? One for one. Nice.

Wow. But it's back when Pat and I were on MADtv, we would get each other's stuff for our birthdays. And I got him the Blade Runner gun. Oh, wow. And he got me this Sandman pistol. Nice. So cool.

Possibly my favorite favorite next to the original phaser, my favorite weapon. Oh, I also like the black hole double lasers. Yeah, I like those. Unmarried nerds get TV money. Shit goes crazy, man. Jesus Christ. Remember I had one of those giant TVs that was like four feet

wide? Yeah, it was like a bouncy castle. Yeah, deep. Yeah, it was huge. It was like six feet tall and super wide or thick. And then I had the Jurassic Park pinball machine. TV money. It's going to last forever,

you guys. They definitely won't figure out how to change things and remove residuals and union minimums. That'll never happen. Yeah, I did a walk-on on an episode of The Cosby Show. I'm set for life. What?

Wait, what? Sorry, I got to just go. Check something out. Get 49 cents a year. I went nuts on the Army show in 1997. Remember that? Sure. Ooh.

Hey, buddy. My kid drew. Oh, he drew some, looks like a Jetsons car and a B-Wing. That's cool. That's cool, buddy. Looks like he did it with a triangle and a prototype. Nice. Good work. I don't know what they are. I don't, I don't,

my imagination. No, not at all. They're just from his imagination. It's just raw imagination, young man. Yeah. Come with me and you'll see. Keep it down in there. Your imagination stinks.

Jim? What would you like me to do? Tell you my pick to have an actor play Grand Admiral Thrawn on the Star Wars Nicholas Hammond Edward Norton okay now thanks I would like to thank some Patreon supporters who go by usernames

like Marco Malastare thank you Marco thank you mostly ironic avian war cry I wonder what that could be a reference to Ken Thank you, Mostly Ironic Avian War Cry. I wonder what that could be a reference to, Ken. Thank you, Camille LaBelle. Thank you,

Dr. Ewits Mossy Mane. Thank you, Bradley the Bagel Baron. Thank you, I'm a Leg Do You Finish? Solid bit. Thank you, Sean Hayes. Thank you, Dr. Fistington. Thank you. There's good ones this week. solid bit solid bit thank you sean hayes thank you dr fistington thank you there's good ones this week thank you these shoes don't walk themselves thank you brian and steve's fart-filled bathroom that almost killed doug

thank you skippy thank you shane mccutchen thank you that baby grima murdered with an axe like it weren't no thing uh thank you west bell thank you phallic baldwin thank you valorin the generally unpleasant and borderline obnoxiously helpful archmage thank you an unfortunate incident with lorraine hobbit thank you richard tracer millhouse nixon that's dick tracer for you kids at home thank you enlarged gold bar and gorging goggles gonads thank you chris bakos thank you apex landscaping thank you quiverful of Queefs. Thank you, Nakama Toys Chicago Unlimited Toys. Thank you, James Hadaway. Thank you, Father Brito Sarkoochie. Thank you, You're Welcome.

Thank you, Jones Face Jones. Thank you, Skylee Nernard. Thank you, Pat Dudley. Thank you, Patrick Lynn. Thank you, Snaginthus' Southerly Tentacle. Thank you, Rutherford the Brave Seeker of the Helping Friendly Book. Thank you, Jim Kuback in Donkey Land. Thank you, Steve Moore.

Thank you, Jinredana Lives on the Moon Rock I Found in My Nose. Thank you for two fingers in too many places. Finally, thank you, Blaine Kpatch's Cabbage Patch Kids Hunting Grounds. Speaking of that, hey, Blaine, who were those supporters brought to us by? Well, today, Dan, those supporters brought to us by Auction Update. Oh? auction update. That's right. I'm going to give you an update on all the latest auctions that are

happening in the podcast area, Dan. At the Sotheby's auction, we have a 1968 Lamborghini Miura. Hammer's going down, starting at $1.2 million. At the Sotheby's auction house, we have a 2022 garbage can full of possums and

cottonmouths to swing on down there hammer falls on 1750 at the applebee's auction uh house we have a bourbon street double crunch caramel titos vodka chickens hammer goes down at 1275 1075 for seniors uh we are down at the Killer Bees Auction House. We have a chain instead of a rope. Save up! Hammer falls on two drink minimum. And finally, at Aunt Bea's Auction House, we have a pie. Put that hammer down.

Sit down. Have some pie. Stay tuned for more auction updates, Dan. Wow. Blaine, you know, as our liaison to these ads, I just want to let you know I'm a little disturbed by how aggressively this

ad spoke to me in the second person. I feel like I'm being, I don't know, judged by my response to this ad. How did you feel when you brought this ad in? Well, I felt like it's just important. There's a lot of people selling a lot of stuff and a lot of people want to buy a lot of stuff, especially here in the area, in the basin, in the city of industry, and especially in Ontario and the Redlands. Dan, we want to keep stuff moving.

We got livestock. We got a lot of cars. We have police seizures. And we just have to keep merchandise moving through so that we can just kind of do our part and help keep the local economy chugging along. Thank you, Blaine. I'm glad you had that.

Well, it makes sense to me. The economics makes sense. That's part of Nerd Poker's promise. We will bring you a D&D podcast, but also we are going to keep this merch moving. And you can find that merch at nerdpokerpod.com where we've got pencil cases, T-shirts, mugs. Some of them have a delightful pseudo dragon on them. That is some news.

And, you know, I can just go ahead and transition that right into What happened last time on Nerd Poker? Oh god. Our heroes have gone into a harpy cave in the hopes of eventually climbing a cliff and entering the castle of the Dread Arch Lich Valix.

We now take you to this group already in progress. You guys are fighting a bunch of harpies. There is a harpy nest that has infested this cave. You guys are fighting a bunch of harpies. There is a harpy nest that has infested this cave. You know, the cave has been slowly going upwards after you got off your little gago boat. And hopefully, you'll be

higher up the cliffs when you come out the other side if you come out alive. But we just saw Ronnie Yen bust out his arm blade and stab a bunch of harpies to death. Unfortunately, there's at least 10 harpies coming at you. And because Ronnie kind of ran ahead of the pack into this larger chamber, Ronnie's kind

of noticing like, oh, we killed a lot. But holy shit, there's a lot of harpies. How do you think Ronnie would feel about that, Brian? Um, how would, how do you think Ronnie would feel about that, Brian? Just like he's ahead of the group and just like fucking a ton of harpies are swarming at him. Well, no time for math. Just to attack the next one. That's the shirt. No time for math.

One harpy at a time. Well. That's my motto. One harpy at a time. Well. Sweet Jesus. I brought a calculator and bubble gum and I broke the calculator with my bubble gum so now I'm just gonna kick ass. Yeah.

Alright, well. First of all, we are next in the turn order going to bring things around to our NPCc bunkal chi rankin boing who uh of course has had his two swords unsheathed and at the ready and drawing online is fantastic uh our uh well at least one of our uh fans did the one that i saw Well, at least one of our fans did the one that I saw. Bunkle G?

That's a good old Sean Bryant who also did the drawing of our castle map. Sean's not just a fan. Sean does stuff for us all the time. You know, Sean did a bunch of just fan art season one of our Patreon era. And I was just immediately like like how can we pay this dude he is I think like I don't know if he enjoys me plugging his official bio but he's I think the head of like animation concepts at

Netflix like he's really a fun way in his career since he started doing that so wow super talented ridiculous and uh i had fun the older i get the more i'm impressed by drawers people who are good at drawing uh yeah it's fucking incredible because i'm working on like five comics right now and with three different artists scott koblish is doing so much

stuff for me and scott koblish like can fucking draw anything and it's insane and because it's always something i like doing but never could draw a comic book page and then for these guys to draw these comic book pages that just they they story tell they're funny and and they're you know the action just it's incredible i tried to be a professional illustrator and i just i honestly i was like i can't handle the feedback you get like it's so hard to do it well and then for like work it's it's crazy uh we found a guy that actually works in my local comic shop to do this one now and he's done some pro stuff but his his day gig is working at earth 2 and chris johnson is we're doing is doing um riveters for us this next the next book i'm doing like a a time cop type book and uh it takes place in the near future and it's kind of fucked up idiocracy

kind of uh blade runnery you know and the stuff that he's creating for us is just like he's making a world out of his brain and it's insane like and yeah joe and i used our brains to write this stuff but to have somebody get it and then draw it, it's one of the coolest processes I've ever been involved with. I almost like it more than like well, not more than sketch, but it's as exciting as

creating TV anymore. Wow. I miss Mad Magazine. It was a fun place to do something very similar because it was basically a comic book magazine. Oh, I bet. I enjoyed hooking you up with illustrators and yes yes yes so Bunkle Chi takes both his swords high and

says how about they evil he is going to run right up to you Ronnie and then when he gets there you all see him he kind of like blips out of existence

and reappears far down the tunnel he then starts swinging at one of the guys next to him first he takes his scimitar and

has at it. And this was him doing this on purpose. He didn't like run into a blink trap. Do a insight check, Dr. Uid. As he rolls to attack.

Seven plus four, 11. Okay. It appears to be some sort of attack spell ability that he has. You're not sure what it would be called, but it's definitely like some kind of psionic power that he has. Psionic.

He then swings the scimitar, and he guts one of these things in one hit. Uh, he then swings his sword, long sword and botches. Uh oh. I hope he doesn't cut off his No he just whips He rolls 13 on the table And he goes Why that is

Not good at all He's I think that Might be the end Yep that's the end of his turn. Up next in the turn order is Winifred. Okay. Sorry, I just got roll 20 up.

So I see I'm back here. Yeah, you're farther up the tunnel. You're closer almost to where that weird bundle was strapped to the ceiling in the previous chamber. And Dr. Woods just dropped his wall of fire there's a weird scratching at a door to the south there's a couple of like little things near you besides

the chamber ahead with all the dead harpies and fighting harpies um okay so I guess you're right I'm so sorry because I was not yeah I'm gonna I think I'm gonna head um I'm so sorry, because I was not... Yeah, I'm gonna... I think I'm gonna head... I'm gonna move towards the fighting, but try to stay...

Yeah, so I'm gonna move, like, right here to the edge. Or I'm gonna be in... In striking distance. And then... I am going to do something while Blaine does something cool to distract from the fact that I can't find the

Blaine, who is this roll 20 moment brought to us by? This roll 20 moment brought to us by lead. Drink it, eat it, bathe in it. If it's good enough for the aqueduct, it's good enough for you. Lead. One of our oldest sponsors. They've been with us since the beginning.

Longer than asbestos. I think I'm not good with the dates. Oh, dear. By the way, Joe Troman still logged in to our Roll20. Oh, he's watching. That's a special Patreon level. So I'm going to, I guess this is so boring

because I just did it, but I guess I'm just going to cast shatter one more time. So boring to cast an extremely loud and destructive spell, yawn. Well, you know what I mean, but so I'm going to, I'm going to cast.

So this is a painfully loud noise. Where's this sphere? Oh, stuff. Right. Right. In the middle of five harpies, it looks like. Yeah. Shattered. Yeah. And that's what I'm doing.

Here we go. This is a save DC, right? What is yeah, what is your save DC and what are they? Yeah, it's a constitution saving 16. All right, we got a success. We have the 16. They take half damage. We got a fail.

We've got a fail. One. Fail. One success out of five so um so that person would take 13 is the damage which is okay and then uh the other person the one who succeeded will take half that all right so we'll take half that. Alright, so we'll call that 7 versus 13. Anything else you would like to do with your turn? No, but I sort of imagine her like sending this out

in like a dramatic, like that singer from Evanescence or whatever, like that's what she looks like when she's like ha ha ha, like sending out the shatter. What does that look like, Sarah? Please describe Evanescence in detail. I'm not her. I don't know, I don't know that reference. Really?

The pretty girl, not the guy going Yeah, yeah. She's just very you know, she's got a lot of drama in her voice and in her actions. Yes. Chris, get out of here. You do it

sorry listener I guess Sarah doesn't really want I didn't I said she goes like she goes like she's like really like sending it out and really feeling it really feeling it yeah I just I feel like I almost understood it Sarah

I'll say guys I'm gonna like Rick roll you with some evidence Understood it, Sarah. I'll, I'll, I'll... Holy shit, guys. I'm gonna, like, Rickroll you with some Evanescence now for the next few weeks until you... What if we got sued by Rick Astley for not paying him royalties for playing a clip of him on a Rickroll joke? Can I do a Dear Evanescence Hanson joke?

He's very cool about it. Up next in the turn order is the harpies boom so um these harpies are gonna swarm bunk these harpies and then when it's time to relax

we're being attacked by harpies these are gonna come after Ronnie shit bro one beer stands clear beer after Ronnie and then you can kinda see there's more coming there's just like they're just at the edge

of darkness and your guys' vision but like you guys hit a big fucking nest of harpies um also at this point this it's it's almost just like this horrible stench starts rolling in with this new wave and you just see like it's starting to hit your nose and make everybody's eyes water this cloud of like filth is kind of rolling in like a fog bank behind this most recent on the fringe, uh,

round of harpies. And I think you would all get kind of like a passive insight check success of just like, Oh, this is going to get bad soon. Hmm. Uh, first we're going to have six harpies. gonna get bad soon. First,

we're gonna have six harpies roll to attack against Bunk. Now, you guys have been carving through these, but this is where a swarm of bad guys starts to get dangerous when there's a lot of them within melee range.

So... Bunk's AC is 18. So this is going to be three hits. And let's see. Miss. Bunk takes. Miss. 14 points of damage. Ouch.

Ronnie, you're getting attacked by five harpies. No. You heard the man. No. Ronnie, correct me if I'm wrong, but I have that your AC is 16. And so this is going to be three hits, one of which is a crit. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's going to be a total as they all claw into you. total as they all claw into you do do do do do do do do do do bonk bonk 28 points of slashing damage Jesus Jesus that's cold-blooded feels it see. Fryer Jolly. Yeah. Say how many points it was. 28. 28, sir. Am I turning you, say Dan? Alright. I'm going to remind those front three players

who I think were Bingle Bonkle and Ronnie and Queep that you guys have. I believe it was Bless on you still for a minute, so you guys gotta have a d4 that you can add to an attack or a saving

throw for, I think, nine more rounds? Eight more rounds? Sounds good. I'll check that blessed, but yeah, that would not... It goes for ten rounds. I believe we're only two rounds in.

Okay, so you guys have for eight more. Just to remind you guys that that is up. I'm going to cast Scorching Ray, Dan. So I will, let's say there's like a little sun on top of my helmet, like a little icon. And I'll go like, look out, here comes the flame.

And I'll shoot out a Scorching Ray, which is three rays of fire and hurl them at targets within range, which is 120 feet. So I'm going to pick three of the harpies around my buddy Ronnie. So let's say these three, one, two, three,

sort of like clockwise, starting from the top around. So three of the five. And so I guess I'll roll for, do you want to roll for each of them, Dan? Let's see. It's three rays of fire and hurl them at targets within range. Are they each a spell attack?

Yes, it is a squirt. Yeah, if you could roll 320s, that'd be cool. Sure, then. Okay, so first one is 16 plus a 24 to hit. Second one is a 22 to hit. And the last one, unfortunately, is a 10 to hit. Okay, so for the first one each scorching ray is a 2d6 of fire damage so the first for the first one it's seven and the second one it is eight all right yeah these things they are not looking

great you've really done a huge amount of damage to these Arpies. Ronnie's definitely got some heat taken out of him. And maybe just to sort of like close ranks a little bit, I'll take a little step forward. Yeah, you're kind of way back in the nest in the sort of hall between the chambers. Right. All right. And that would be my turn. right all right and uh that would be my turn cool uh yeah right now dr uid queep and fire jolly are kind of bringing up the rear dr uid you're way back there still but that's because you were casting a wall of fire up until last round so it's not a criticism tis an observation for the mind's eye of our listeners up next however is uh queepweep. Kweep.

Yeah. Hey. I am going to whip out the dual blade of Kukla. Actually, I'm going to approach first. Okay. Over here. Oops. All right.

I'm going to focus on the ones that are already damaged. All right. So that is a lot of the ones gathered around Ronnie. Yeah. And I am going to attack. All right. Let me see what my bonus is. Okay. All right. alright let me see what my bonus is alright dice

any dice okay the first one is a who knows who knows sorry thank you for apologizing. It's really hurting my feelings how you're doing this very normal D&D thing.

Okay. One is a... What happened? 15? 15's a hit. I just like how we got a big close-up of your phone, an Android phone that ruins our group chats. It's actually the Apple software.

All right, now damage is... 12 plus three. Which one are you attacking, sir? Nice. The first one up here. That guy? Okay. This guy. Yeah.

That is a six six damage okay yeah and then i will hit him again okay what's this are you telling us that he has been hit are you telling us you're rolling i do love all these male harpies that are coming at us. Male? Oh yeah, that's right. Wait till we meet the queen. You guys have been like, I get this. I'm gonna attack her. We respect the pronouns of our

evil harpies with no eyes. I stab her, but I respect her body. So this one is still standing, yes? Yeah, yeah. It's fucked up, but it's still standing. All right.

Well, that's a five. Oh, that's a miss. Whoa. Rude. Yeah, so that's all I got. Lest we forget, the dual blade of Kukla has got some cool boomerang action you could bust out at some point oh I know

I just gotta get I didn't want to hit respectful it could potentially hit yes so up next is Dr. Uwud Dr. Uwud what's going on in your neck of the what

glad you asked, Dan. We have a crazy pileup on 405 heading into the valley there near Calabasas. So you're going to want to take surface streets. I'm going to move up here. I'm going to move up here and I'm going to fire an ice

storm into the mouth of the tunnel where they are coming out of so a hail of rock hard ice pounds to the ground in a 20 foot radius 40 foot high cylinder centered on a point within range ranges to

you got two you can they're coming out of this one and they're coming out of this one range. So, Blaine, you've got two you can pick from. They're coming out of this one, and they're coming out of this one. Guys, please. What happened? What's funny? You're just talking about pounding a rock-hard ice into someone's mouth, and it's just

like, nobody notices. Oh, okay. Not that I noticed. I'm so focused on logistics that, like, I'm... Oh, okay. Not that I noticed. I'm so focused on logistics that I'm... Oh, I actually didn't notice. You're right. You're right. I didn't notice, nor did I pay attention to how you said you didn't notice.

I actually thought, there's enough dirty. I noticed. You know what? You're right. Shame on me. If it makes you feel any better, Dr. Rued is looking looking at the Harpies' boobs with the Benny Hill face. That is really helpful. The opposite of making me feel better.

We have a vibe on the show and it's important to maintain it. There's Harpies streaming out of this thing here to the To the west and to the south. There's two different parts of this chamber that are overflowing with harpies, and there's a cloud

of stink coming out of both of them. I'm just going to hit this one right here in the middle, halfway down, and try to just seal it with ice for a little while at least. And which spell is this? Everybody in... Oh, sorry. This is Ice Storm. This is... and which doll is this everybody in oh sorry this is a ice storm this is uh

I think this was with Robbie Benson and uh oh no no it's the one where the where the where it's tragic yeah um uh everybody must make a dexterity saving throw uh or take uh 2d8 bludgeoning and 4d6 cold.

Alright, well you're going to be hitting some harpies that you can't see. So I'm not going to tell you exactly how many fail the dexterity saving throw, but I will tell you some of them definitely did. And could you please roll the damage?

So 2d8. 2d8, bludge. Oh, nice. Sweet bludge. Yeah, sweet bludge damage. So that's 3. And 4d6, cold. And 4d6 cold.

D6 is out of here. And here we go. Okay. 10, 19. So 19 cold damage and 3 bludgeoning. I was hoping for more with the bludgeoning. Yeah, well, you know, it's not nothing. And of course, it is just a real mess what's happening to those harpies as they flip around in the ice uh they start getting

pummeled by all of the next game. Okay. So that is, you haven't killed any of them, but they are pretty fucked up. Uh-oh. I'll say. Did you read their online stuff? Their feeds are crazy. Problematic. Yeah, very problematic.

Okay. Up next in the turn. Why do they hate Capybara so much? I know, right? Fix him out on the kawakas. What about up next in the turn order? Are you going to move anywhere, Dr. Wood? Are you going to get any farther down the tunnel? You cool hanging way back there.

You know, maybe I can kind of get down here closer so I can start swinging. Thank you for doing. You're gonna find something sexual in that, Sarah? Me swinging? Someone called out, finally. Here in the cave? Oh God. There's nothing that I can even say to this. I accept all responsibility for all of the disgusting nature

of this show. All of it. 100% my fault. You're a perv. Speaking of pervs, Brian, you're up next. Ronnie is time. Yeah. Nice. All right, let's do it. Right now, he only gets one

attack. Yeah, you got like five of these things all around you. Do I get an attack and an unarmed strike or just an attack? Let's see. Ronnie Yen, you get an attack. And then you can, as a bonus action, do an unarmed strike or a flurry of blows are your choices. So, you want to start with an arm blade attack? Yeah, whoever's closest.

There's a whole bunch of them. Also, I feel like this is a good point to just go ahead and remind you that you are in the shadow school of monks. So one of the things you can do is shadow step. If you're in dim light or darkness as a bonus action, you can teleport up to 60 feet to an unoccupied space that is also in dim light or darkness. There's definitely some places that you could shadow step to if you needed to get away from these harpies.

It's something that listeners told me I should have reminded Danny of more often as he was murdered to pieces. Roll to attack one of these harpies, Brian. Yeah, teleport 60 feet at them. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll do that. Oh no, I'm right. I'm saying if Right, right. I'm saying if you want to get away, like there's too many of them still surrounding you at the end of your turn, that kind of a situation. Okay. We're early with these characters.

I'm throwing you some combat bones, you know? 14? That's a hit. Well. Roll the damage. I slash at him with my blade and I get eight points. How would you like to see a harpy die to your immediate left? Quickly.

Just like slash. And then as it quickly starts spurting blood. As she. As she. Starts spurting she blood out of her she neck. How would you like to use your bonus action for a flurry of blows or an unarmed strike? Yeah, flurry of

blows, but does it count with the blade? Starting at second level, your training allows you to harness a key point for this. I'm sure flurry of Blows. Immediately after you take an attack action, you can spend a key point to make two unarmed strikes as a bonus action. So this is... You're basically doubling your unarmed strikes. This is an unarmed strike.

So you're slashing and then you're going pop, pop. Oh, shit. I got a 20. That's a hit. Roll your crit damage. Double that d6, whatever that is, and add 3. So

12 plus 3, right? Well, d6. Roll the d6. Is it a 6? I did. It was a 6. Great. 12 plus 3 is 15 points of damage to this other harpy who's looking rough. Not dead, but barely clinging to life.

And now you haven't moved. You haven't moved. Do you want to stay surrounded by harpies, or do you want to maybe... Well, do they get a... Do they get an attack if I move? Run away, yes, but if you use shadow step, no, you can into another shadow.

Will you take a look at the map brian and show me where in the chamber within what is it 60 feet which i'll show you at the ruler like you could go uh you know anywhere here you could go way back in the nest with fryer jolly yeah no i'll just go close i don don't have it open, though. I don't want to take up too much time. Oh, okay. Oh, where are we? You want to get, like,

I don't know, like, if you look ahead, Ronnie, you see there's, like, some old supplies that have been flattened and mushed by the harpy activity. You could kind of, like, go amongst there so you can have, like, apy activity. You could kind of like go amongst there so you can have like a better angle. You'll be close to the action still to fight,

but you won't be surrounded. And you won't be like near one of the openings to this chamber that are starting to fill with gunk. So I'm going to put you only about 20 feet south. So now you're kind of like 10 feet away from the group that you just ran away from and 10 feet away from the group that is

surrounding Bunk so up next in the turn order is none other than Bunk Bunk is going to try and slash his way out of here he's not in a great spot right now so first he swings the scimitar again uh it's a miss swings his long sword that is a miss uh he's very frustrated he shouts out oh donkey land i hope your eyes are not upon me nor my ancestors. And that'll take us around to Winifred.

Okay. I mean, okay, so there's ice in here, right? Yeah, to the west. So I'll actually do a little drawing of just light blueness in the mouth of the cave just just to make it clear there's like, you know, debris. Right. And then can we see any further down that hallway where the harpies seem to be kind of- No, unfortunately. There's been too much harpy in that doorway

to really see far in there. No one's gotten super close to that opening. Okay. Great question though. that opening. Okay. Great question, though. Love it. So I'm going to scream vicious mockery at these dudes. Do deaths. Do deaths.

Although, actually, I looked it up, and apparently there are male harpies in some, canonically in certain versions. There are harpos. So we can let it go now. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah, okay. So I'm going to yell at these things.

Anything that can hear, any of them that I can see within range, and range is 16. Okay, so yeah, that's pretty... From here, that's... I would think that everybody would be looking at me. That's a lot of them, yeah. So you're hitting about...

It's not a ton of damage, so it's just... Twelve. One, two, three, four, five, six. So I'm just going to unleash a string of insults laced with subtle enchantments. Like that lady from Evanescence? I mean, I guess it says creature, so actually maybe it's

only the one creature. That makes more sense. It sure does. I mean, it's weird that I... I'll look it up too, just to... Okay, I think it's just the one creature. Although I did learn something else bardically interesting which I will bring up. Oh, it says a creature. It's a creature for sure. How are you getting 17

harpies with one well it's only gonna do like 1d4 so it seemed that seemed possible for a moment but given that I'm level eight but you can cast it at a higher level but you know what what level can I can't right now because I don't have the spell slot to do so um So right now I'm just going to... Oh, this is just my at will. Yeah, this is a cantrip for me, so I can't. Yeah, I'm just going to scream it at this dude. This little bitch right here. Oh, God. I'm just going to be like,

you have a bald spot and checker feathers, you crumple and shame. Now this is a wisdom saving throw. She's going to go ahead and roll a three on that. Okay, and so

she is going to take the damage and then also have disadvantage on her next attack roll. Alright, well I'm making a note of that. And six points of damage. I will put a little marker on her to make sure you can tell that she is upset by the insult. Anything else?

Then, as my bonus action, I am in fact I'm going to um pick someone to hear to get some bardic inspiration for me I think it should probably be

that is bunk way down here he's super surrounded I'm gonna sing I'm gonna I'm gonna play a neat little handpipe tune for Bunk, just to rouse his spirits. Okay.

And, uh, What are the lyrics, though? How do they sound when you sing them? Oh, there's no lyrics in my work. I'm a spoken word artist, but I but with accompanying music. I think Winifred went over this already, but... So no words.

Well, I love words. I speak words all the time. I speak many words. I have the best words. Oh, the best words. Oh, yes. The best words. You say words oh yes the best words but no the music her music is more of an accompaniment to her epic performances okay well and and what happens

to bunk now because you've done bardic inspiration that is uh he's bored to death by this conversation i don't know okay uh let's see i take one4 damage from your self-deprecation rant. He gets, um, he gets 1d8 that he can add to one ability check attack roll or saving throw for the next 10 minutes. Well, he hears the song and says all the sweet notes.

I am as powerful as Baron Flinkus Von Shifflechee himself. holy shit. Baron Flinkus von Schiffelchi himself. Holy shit. That'll bring us round next to the Harpies. Harpies? Boo! Why are we in

Seinfeld now? What's happening? I thought I was going to put up the funny music while she was insulting the guys. Well, because there was me so many. Yeah. And then the second one, she sang the song so I was like, I couldn't do it. But it was loaded.

The harpies of notice. I would love to make that my song, though. I could just make the Seinfeld some of those. Ten hours of the theme song on YouTube if you need it. I do need a little clip of music what delightful white noise to play when I go to bed yeah

that on a loop okay sorry the harpies no it's okay if I said my narrative notes uninterrupted what would this show even be called uh the harpies are very upset by the fact that Ronnie just shadow stepped out of them so this wall of harpies are very upset by the fact that Ronnie just shadow stepped out of them.

So this wall of harpies kind of just rushes at Dr. Uid, Queep, and Winifred. Oh, shit, bro. Ew.

So move those up and we'll do the attacks in a second. This is going to show you the movement of these harpies. A bunch fly in. They don't get very far because of the difficult terrain Dr. U had set up, so that's kind of nice. But yeah, some of them are now coming at Ronnie.

One of them gets there so he can hit. And with them a giant fog bank of just stink filth you can hear like buzzing flies in it rolls out and I'm going to show you where that's currently ending with a little roaring

we're going to have to cure disease when we get out of here it feels like you might so this is now going to be represented by this brown squiggly line. It's... You see it just sort of engulf Bunk.

And you hear him... Yeah, so he makes a choking sound. You just sort of hear like this... Don't forget the song! You are still inspired. Oh, Huzzah! So, yeah, he can

add that to his saving throw, is that right? He's gonna choose to do it, and he goes, Ho-ho! And that'll undo the horrible choking that he just went through. However, we're going to now have some swipes taken at Dr.

Uid. Dr. Uid's armor class. Blaine, correct me if I'm wrong. 13. You're correct, sir. It's going to be three hits against Dr. Uid.

Oh, four. Three hits against Dr. Uwud. Oh. Four. Was that one creature that just hit him three times? No, three creatures that hit him once. Oh, so each creature hit him one time. For a total of 21 points of slashing damage. Yeah. And then one's going to hit Kweep. Four.

Six points of slashing damage. And one's going to hit Winifred. Before you tell me it's damage, I'm going to also insult this guy using a reaction. The reaction of cutting words so that when they make an attack roll I can expand one use of product inspiration

roll the die and subtract the number for the creatures roll let's see so your I can do it after the roll but before yeah your AC is a 13 and it rolled a 13, so... So it says, roll the die. Does that mean the die that they rolled, I guess? Or what? You roll your inspiration die and subtract... What is my inspiration die?

Oh, 1d8. Yeah, I see, I see. Inspiration die, okay. Sorry, I'm still figuring out bards, y'all. All right, if you roll a one, you'll... Minus seven. Great, so it's a total width. Yeah.

Winterfred, you do not need to worry about the slashing damage here. Nice. Up next is Friar Jolly. What I... Just so we know... Oh, sorry. I just wanted to share for everybody what I just... I think I just read is that I can use that reaction on anybody's turn. So if somebody had been really low, I could use it. I can react to an attack on somebody else, which is a surprising weird D&D thing that I didn't.

Cool. Well, as a bard, I assume you're pretty squishy and that may have been for the best. Probably this time. Friar Jolly, what do you want to do? All right. Bonus action. Friar Jolly is going to cast Healing Word. It can go up to 60 feet. So I believe that puts Ronnie, who I would like to cast that on, still in my range. Yes.

So I'm going to bonus action, cast Healing Word. And Ronnie, I'm going to, gonna from afar a silver flame reaches out but it instead of hurting you it heals you for a total of seven hit points ryan seven hit points you have been healed by fire jolly thanks man absolutely and then uh for my action i'm then going to cast a cantrip toll the dead. Dan, is this one here in the middle of that? I'm looking at the line of harpies attacking my friends. Is that one there in the center? Is that one hurt? No, it is not. Yeah, I'm still going to cast it. I'm still gonna cast it

I'm gonna cast it on that one there in the center it's toll the dead it has to make a wisdom saving throw DC 16 or suffer a 2d8 plus 5 damage that's gonna be a 14 uh

okay so that fails so let me roll 2d8 uh i rolled 13 plus 5 18 points of damage to that harpy as a the sound of a roaring flame uh the sound engulfs it and hurts it with the product. Well, it screeches horribly as you do that to the harpy. And okay. Uh, and then I will shout out Ronnie. Get out of there. I can burn them all,

but I don't want to hurt you. My best day. All right. Well, with that brave move from friar Jlly i guess we're gonna have to find out how the rest of this skirmish goes on the next episode of nerd poker sam how's it going no oh okay uh anything you want to plug in um do we want to let sam recap first oh yeah let's do that

yeah all right guys episode six we're still battling harpies nests full of them we're using clucu blades and ice and some mouths are taking a pounding i heard it sarah uh there's flurries of blows and spurts of harpy blood we're viciously mocking them i really can't believe blaine let dan say that male harpies are called harpos without asking if they're also chicos and grouchos. Feels right up his alley. It's a missed opportunity. We're learning about lyrics versus spoken word.

And there's a big stinky fog. And Friar Jolly ended our episode with his healing words. And I looked up the words. It says it in the D&D book. And those words are, it says, wake me up inside. And it says, someone yells, save me. And then it says, call me my name and save me from the dark. And then someone else says, wake me up inside and it says, someone yells, save me. And then it says, call me my name and save me from the dark and then someone else yells, wake me up.

Bid my blood to run. And then someone yells, I can't wake up before I come undone. And then he yells, save me from the nothing I've become. Can't wake up. There it is. Delightful. Yes. You know, that song was actually, it's a a cover it was written by Dick Cavett

of all people that's one to grow on speaking of growing I will be performing at the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago on October 21st and 22nd please keep an eye out for a ticket link from there I'll be having some of my local pals doing the show with me as that is my hometown

if I don't sell those shows out I'll be having some of my local pals doing the show with me as that is my hometown. If I don't sell those shows out, I will be ashamed of myself. So please put that in your calendars. Come on out to the Lincoln Lodge. They have a great new theater. If you haven't seen it yet, I've been shown some pictures. I haven't been back since they've gotten a new space and it looks fucking ridiculous. And then I'll be following weekend, Halloween weekend. I'll be doing some shows at the Fest Festival in Gainesville, Florida, where there are a whole shitload of comedians and bands.

You got your Kyle Kinane's. You got your Suicide Machines. All kinds of fun stuff will be there. BrianPersane.com for my tour dates. I've got Austin coming up next week. San Francisco in September. Uh, some other places that I enjoy. Sacramento is coming up.

My, uh, my hometown where I started. Um, they'll be good. The Sacramento always sells out. So San Francisco gets close to buy tickets. If you want to see me at Cobb's. Comic books coming out shortly through Image Comics and other places. Axe currently can be found in Heavy Metal Magazine. Blaine, what's going to happen next week?

We attribute the success to save mankind. Thanks for joining us on this episode you got walls and a roof well on the next nerd poker richie says i found my thrill funsy says hey Hey, whoa! Ralph Malf says, I still got it. Joshie says, wah, wah, wah. Al says, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mrs. C says, sit on it! Chuck Cunningham says, Mom, I'm home from Korea. Well, whoops.

That's on the next Happy Days. at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.