Nerd Poker - S5E60 Demigod Energy

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

Our season finale is here! Dan attempts to tie a tidy little bow on five season's worth of narrative (hence the season-long boss fight). Crits connect, epic praise is heaped upon the surviving members of the Ice Five, an old friend returns, and Gus makes his pitch for becoming a demi-god. Thanks for listening, we hope to start new stories soon and invite in new listeners! Creating this world has been fun and the whole crew appreciates each and every listener who has kept the lights on thus far. For Glinnishmore! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint. Comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room. With my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends... Sarah Kev

Dan Lee Chris Now it's time for another episode of Brian Pussain's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five. Hey, everybody. I'm Brian Pussain.

You're listening to my show, Nerd Poker. It's a regular episode. It's episode 60 of season five. We're winding down. But thanks for being here. My friends are here. Look at them. Hey, Ken, what's up, buddy?

I am back, ready to fight a giant horrible gray baby. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. Gross. I feel like this season has ended more times than the Lord of the Rings. I'm still watching The Hobbit. Blaine.

Hey, hi. How are you, buddy? I'm good. I'm still watching The Hobbit. Right. It's a hard Hobbit to break, you guys. Whoa. right it's a hard hobbit to break you guys whoa uh chris wearing a t-shirt for something that never happened uh halloween three part two how are you my friend i'm doing well made by uh our

patreon guest uh rob shrub that's true that's right cool uh Love that movie. I actually really like Halloween 3. The best. I hate it. It came around. Oh, yeah. Well, I didn't like it in high school. Yeah. In high school, I was pissed because Michael Myers only appears on the TV.

Yeah, same. So, Sarah, everybody. That's good. Oh, sorry. I believe that Halloween 3 was ahead of its time. Yeah, I do now. Yeah, it was Labor Day. You're right.

What about Jason X? I actually like Jason X. It's hilarious. It's pronounced J-songs. It's fun. And you actually believe that That superhero cyber girl's gonna Beat him for a minute And then

Every time Dan is here Hello I'm ready to portray a giant gray baby Also it's time to take your medicine Potential spam was calling me Pick it up It to take your medicine potential spam was calling me oh pick it up

say hi he's a nice guy yeah Sam's here everybody hello sweet children how are you dude good I also recently saw Halloween 3. I saw it for the first time last year and loved it.

Yeah. I hadn't seen a lot of the Halloween, so it's watching them in order that was very jarring. Yeah, it's a hard time. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which one's the one that's just fucking batshit?

That Paul Rudd's in? Is that six? That's H2O. Oh, yeah. That one's crazy, right? Is that the one that's crazy? Yeah, it's the one that brings back Jamie Lee Curtis. Right?

And they didn't do it well, right? Yeah. It's not great. No. I know there's Jamie Lee Curtis. New ones were good until that third one. Boy. I was not great. No. I know there's Jamie Lee Curtis new ones were good until that third one.

Boy. I was having the second one. Well, the second one, the second one that And it makes me really worried about the Exorcist movies. Yeah.

Same people. Really? Yeah. Yeah. My favorite was I like things about them, but yeah. Go ahead.

I was going to say to Wong Fu, thanks for everything, Jason. Well, we should thank some people and play episode 60, right? Totally. I think that sounds fun. Let's do it. Hi, listeners. It's time for me to thank you we are gonna

just wait a second while I try to rearrange some notes because we are going from a bonus episode to a regular episode thank you to listeners patreon supporters thank you you go by usernames like cosmic beard creations thank you cosmic

beard creations thank you why does my face turn red when Dan reads my name usernames like Cosmic Beard Creations. Thank you, Cosmic Beard Creations. Thank you, Why Does My Face Turn Red When Dan Reads My Name. Hmm. Thank you. Thank you, Randy Butternubs. Thank you, Litched, a Tony Award winning tale of a gifted warrior bard liberating

Vindaria with the help of her loyal retinue of adventurers. Hmm. A warrior bard. Who's a warrior bard? Thank you Fintrol Durshoot. Thank you

Don't Wanna End Up Like No Pooh Bear. Thank you Steve Vaseen. And finally thank you Poop Shoots and Bladders. The Game of Colostomies and Catheters by Milton Bradley. That is right up our alley.

Literally right up your alley. Blaine, who were those Patreon supporters brought to us by? Patreon supporters brought to us by Icy Hot Presents. Oops! All hot! Adobe Update. Now's your chance to. Oops, all hot. Adobe Update. Now's your chance to...

Okay, I'll remind you later. And Arby's Chewables. Yeah, I'm thinking chewy. Promotional consideration brought to us by Garlic Quick. When you need garlic, quick. I hate it. Garlic Quick. Dan?

I have the same reaction to drinking a garlic flavored drink as Dracula does. I like the strawberry garlic quick. Oh, God. I just imagined the strawberry on like garlicky pizza. It's now time to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. I feel like I didn't do the voice the last couple of episodes with much commitment. So now I will. Our heroes are engaged in battle

for what was recently referred to the ninth or tenth ending. This will not be as long as season three or four, so if any listeners are doing what I would do when hearing that and wondering how long this fucking thing's gonna go, it's soon we're winding down and right now we're engaged with as has been recently noted a large gray baby we're gonna be using rule 20 this episode it is the same map as we last left off I will do my best to

verbally describe what is going on but we are back at the top of the turn order and this giant gray baby has been fucked up a lot but has been hurting y'all there is the sound of cacophonous war happening on the outer walls

of the castle and you know this is uh as has been hinted at what feels like the the last the last attempt at living of the archlich and whatever consciousness may or may not be in here

uh he's being fucked up and this is an incomplete demigod body that was being assembled for him we'll have Hoshinka lead it as and this is an incomplete demigod body that was being assembled for him. We'll have Hoshinka lead it. Coming up, we've got a couple of NPCs in a row, so hang in there, y'all.

Hoshinka is also really fucked up, so she is going to attempt to move farther away before she fires off a crossbow bolt. All right. So that is going to be three hits because she's going to go ahead and do a fancy rogue thing. Pop, pop, you see some bolts flying from behind a wall, and the baby's going to take a bunch of damage,

and then it is the baby's turn. I believe that children are the baby's turn. I believe the children are the future. Hmm. So we need to stop that shit that's tracks. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah, we gotta stop the future.

Mm-hmm. Or the future's gonna stop us. This is a creature that is referred to in Dungeons and Dragons as an Atropal and that makes it a huge undead titan. And it is now going to

start doing some shitty things because it's a shitty asshole creature. It is going to doing some shitty things, because it's a shitty asshole creature. It is going to try to lash out with a tendril that has been cut off. And slapped at

Ronnie, who is the closest being to it. Ronnie, you've got a giant undead umbilical cord flying at you right now. Okay. That would have been my response. It is 23 to hit.

Oh, really? Damn. See if I have something to help me. In this case, it would be a reaction, if you have any reactions that can help you. I'm about to tell you help me. In this case, it would be a reaction, if you have any reactions. I can help you. I'm about to tell you the damage. Hang on.

I will. One second. I will. I had a bonus episode open, so I had Goldbar in front of me. We're not playing Goldbar. You're not Goldbar anymore. Nope. What can Ronnie use

to get a 23? Again, it's not Ronnie's turn yet, so you have to... I thought you said it was. Nope. You're being hit. Oh. Oh, so I need to do a 23 and... You don't need to do anything.

I was saying the number because that is what it was rolling to hit you. Oh. So what am I doing? I'm about to tell you the damage you took. I did the thing where I said the number that the attack was, so you knew what was happening.

I still don't. I apologize. I tried to do my best. That is going to be 13 points of necrotic damage for Ronnie. This guy's magical, right? He's huge undead, yeah. Horrible. Gus is hiding in the building with the crown.

I have something that halves this, I thought. Oh, you might have a dodge thing. I can bring your sheet up if you would like me to take a look. Verticolor dodge. Are a monk. Monks are sneaky.

Patent defense. Or patient defense. It's been one key point to take the dodge action as a bonus action. Oh, it's on your turn. Never mind. Yeah. Defect missiles. Under reactions, yeah, you've got missiles but yeah does this does that account deflect missiles uh

not really because it's more of like a whip you can't really catch it it's too thick around to be caught like an arrow or a javelin more what that's about. Alright. 13 you said? Yes, sir.

I'll take it. And Winifred, you are up. Okay. I want to apologize in advance because I did not get a chance to listen to the episode just before this, so I feel like my combat understanding of exactly what's happening is not going to be as up to to date as it could or should be my apologies you've been attacking

the umbilical cords you we've been going straight for the umbilical i believe so yes that's been our like our joint effort seems to hurt it okay um i think i tied down at one point right and i think i did a psychic i did some psychic damage on it maybe um okay so i'm going to um i don't have anything that's like specific to that so i think i'm gonna do okay i will cast shatter on the umbilical cord okay i guess that is not the best it's got it's got three of them and one of them is already on the umbilical cord. Okay. I guess. Batter is not the best. It's got three of them and one of them is already detached.

Okay. So I'm going to do it on the... You know, I'm looking at it. I'm looking at the drawing right now. Whatever one is closest to me that is still attached. Cool. That will be one near its leg and the tree that Friar Jolly is hiding behind.

Will Friar Jolly be within 10 feet of it? I can make it so he's not. He'll be within 20, so you're good. All right. 20 plus. I do. Get away. Okay. So that is a dex. Yeah. Sorry. All right. 20 plus. I do it. Okay.

So that is a dex. Yeah. Sorry. Go ahead. That's a dex saving throw for Shatter? Constitution, I believe. Constitution. Okay.

Thank you for 17. Rolls a 13. Cool. I'm casting it at fourth level. So he is going to take 5d8. Let's see. Cool. I'm casting it at 4th level, so... He is gonna take 5d8, let's see. Oh dear. That could have gone a lot better. A lot better.

I rolled two 1s out of the 5s, which is ridiculous. He's gonna take 13 points of damage. Which is not a lot at all. To be honest about that. The end. You would have killed a level 1 character pretty good right there.

Chris, the kindness, the fake kindness in your voice makes it so much meaner. No, no, no. no sir you're doing great good effort uh and i'm so calm i mean how could that be it's over all right thank you and now it's time for dr ewitt yeah uh i still have a burning wall of fire up on this guy. You sure do. He's just going to take another 5d8. Roll that damage.

Yeah, so Dr. Uy, you have climbed on top of a tower, and this is on sort of like his right side. There's a curved wall of fire that's cutting across him. Only 16. Okay. He's getting pretty badly wounded. You know, it's looking like you guys are turning the tide in your favor.

And this is, you know, looking like a difficult fight. So there may be yet a couple more ouchies. Yeah, that's it for me, though. Ronnie, you're up. It's your turn. Alright. And is he flanked? Where is he? Get him.

Get him, big baby. Attack that umbilical cord. I guess... He's technically flanked now, yeah, because Dr. Urid is in the right position. All right, we're all running this. Attack the cord. I'm going to arm blade

that cord. I'm going to go under it and and cut up okay you can do that with advantage you are going i'm gonna scoot you under it a little bit on the token map neither one of them very high a 14 was the highest I could get. That's a hit. Low AC. Big gray baby. Cool. A lot of hit points. Low AC. 11. All right. Cutting at that gray chunky flesh. I'm going to take another hack at it.

Come on, come on, come on. Yeah. Nice. 14 plus 7. 21. That's very much a hit. Roll that damage. Take that, baby. That's very much a hit. Roll that damage. Take that, baby. He is going to take it. Eight.

Okay, this time when you cut him open, a large pile of guts starts to leak out of it. It's not dead, but it's looking real bad. Good. Okay. This baby's going to be in therapy for years when he grows up. When he grows up to be an evil demigod, he's going to have so many mental problems.

Queep, you're up. All right, I've given him the old cock-a-loo with the way to kookla. Go for it. That is a 17. And then damage. Why is this loud? 12.

That is a hit. No, that's my damage. Oh, 17. Excuse me. Great. And then I will go again. And this is in an arcing toss, so this has potential to cut him in two different spots.

That was a 12 the first time, and this one is a 14. Also a hit? Nice. No, that's the damage. Sorry. 21, 14 damage. Excuse me. I keep not hearing it.

I am trying. Brain no worky. Shit going on. I'm just trying to juggle the abilities of a giant thing with body parts and legendary actions and shit. Anyway, I fuck him up.

Will that do it for your turn? Uh, yeah. Okay. No legendary actions yet from this guy, because he spent a couple of them screaming at you a couple of turns ago. Up next is... Well, he wants to. He wants to hurt you.

No. No, baby, no. Friar Jolly, you're up. Friar Jolly, you're up. Friar Jolly will stand out steps next to the tree and try and look at the lock eyes with the gray baby.

And I'm going to raise my hands up and I go, I call forth the silver flame itself. Burn this baby. And I'm going to use my, as a cleric, I can try to do divine

intervention. So as an action, I can request my deity's aid. And I roll percentile dice. If it's equal to or less than an 11, the deity intervenes, and Dan, you would get to decide in what way.

So first, let me just roll the percentiles. Yeah. Under an 11. Ah, 24. Hmm. So I think for a moment, there's some swirling silver flame, and then nothing happens, and Friar Jolly goes like, I was trying to do

some good in the name of your God. Fuck me. And I will step back behind the tree. Well, that was more beautifully narrated than I ever could have cried. Thank you, Chris. Sure, of course.

Then we got Hoshinka. She's going to pop off a couple more rounds. Oh, my God. All right. I don't know if you guys are looking at roll 20. Holy shit. Look at roll 20, you guys. is going to pop off a couple more rounds. Oh my god. Alright. I don't know if you guys are looking at roll 20. Holy shit, look at roll 20, you guys.

Look at the fucking chat. What is that, Chris? Would you like to... Those are all critical hits, Dan. Three critical hits in a row. How did you do that? I don't know. That's first for me. Holy shit. I don't believe in the no-win scenario.

Wow. Three critical hits in a row. There they are. This was not faked. Beautiful. Which I suspected immediately. I know, right? I would like very much if Dan won against himself.

Oh my gosh. Crazy damage. Here it comes. Dan, you got to roll percentile dice three times. Oh boy. Here we go. Against us? No, against Hoshinka.

Hoshinka, the NPC just rolled three crits. Wow. I mean, I've never seen that. Now I am excited. Alright, so that's going to be 21 times

2 and dice that's 42 points for the die bonus. So that's 42 plus 6. 48 points of damage.

How do you want to see this baby die? Well, not yet. Ken, don't get ahead of us. He always did it again here's the thing piercing damage not the most effective thing against this guy but

yeah it's gonna cut these bolts I'm gonna say are just gonna cut straight through it and you guys start to see like the horrible yellow glow in its eyes is starting to pierce out of holes in its body. Oh, nice. Ooh.

Like Agent Smith at the end of Matrix when Neo goes inside of him. Oh, it is right there. It is right there. Interesting. And up next is this guy's turn. Oh, you didn't do percentiles and stuff? Oh, I did. Oh, I did need to do that.

Excuse me. Yes. Because it's my good NPC. Dan versus Dan. Fight yourself. We're going to do three percentile die. 27, 77, and 30. Oh, shit.

27. Alright, so the umbilical cord is going to go limp that has been thrashing around. Ooh, nice. The do-do-do-do-do-do. It's also going to fall with a loud crunching noise. It is now prone. Nice.

And we're going to roll definitely extra damage for that 77 one. A second umbilical cord gets popped as one of the bolts cuts all the way through and also slashes in half. The umbilical cord takes another 14 points of

slashing damage. Nice. Nice. Kill it. And then up next we have Winifred Wintergem. It is prone. It has one umbilical cord pumping evil energy into it left out of three.

Glowing fissures in the body. Okay. I am going to cast a musical. It is blinking red also. It's blinking red? It's just a arcade boss reference don't worry oh okay um i got confused i'm going to cast um raul thin's psychic lance again at it oh boy

yeah that's a real fucker isn't it Yeah. And because it has this intelligence saving throw. So I'm going to unleash a shimmering lance of psychic power from my forehead. That's such a weird spot. Yeah. Yeah. So intelligence saving throw. Okay. Does your forehead like smoke when it's done?

Point your forehead at it. Light cigarettes with it. Oh my god, it botched! Cool. Yay! Okay, so I'm casting it at fourth level, and it's going to take... Come on, dice.

What's with my dice today? Cray baby down. I'm rolling to make this the finale. Not too bad. Okay, it's going to take 28 points of psychic damage. Great! And it's going to be incapacitated once again until the start of my next

turn. It's going to be more than incapacitated. How do you want to see the giant gray baby die? That's a lot of psychic damage. Wait, Ken, I'm going to give this to Ken, who already was thinking ahead to the baby dying the last time it got hit.

But it's your psychic lance. You can take it. Maybe you gave her advice earlier, though, and we're doing a flashback on how you would love if a psychic lance could do this. All right. If I have to, I have to.

It's a psychic. It's doing psychic damage, right? And inside there is that arch ledge, right? That guy that I already humiliated in the basement yeah yeah yeah okay um so i just basically through the through the lance of energy um i let it know that we know and i'm like you came back for more that's really sweet thank you so much for giving us this opportunity to fucking destroy your ass again, bitch. And then it dies.

Just before it dies. Yeah, it mutters very quietly right before it dies. I hope someone picked up that this was a reference to Earwolf season one. And then it collapses in a pile of gray ooze and begins to sizzle and pop.

Fuck you, baby. Bye, Lich. Baby got blackened. You guys are now level 12. I hope that is a fun note. And the explosions are starting to get louder

the courtyard being still from combat is now making it possible to hear just how intense the battle is getting outside you see one of the walls of the courtyard explode as

rubble flies everywhere. Can I get a dexterity saving throw from everybody? Uh-oh. Radio? Fifteen. Seventeen. Uh-oh. Dan, I rolled a one plus three, a four.

I rolled an 1 plus 3, a 4. I rolled an 11. Okay. This is only going to hit Friar Jolly. A large piece of stone rubble is going to collide with you. It's large. But who knows? Maybe I'll roll low. 16 points of bludgeoning

damage. Jesus Christ! Alright. Maybe you should have prayed to him instead of that silver guy. You all see starting to roll through the gap a monstrous infernal war machine.

A large machine made of metal and covered in spikes with what you humans would know as tank treads but as you as characters would know is very strange long tracks that are grinding over the rock and stone. It pulls into the courtyard and comes to a stop. There are flames shooting out of several exhaust ports, smoke coming out of every crack. It stops. I wave. Do a performance check. As this gigantic five-story tall machine

pulls to a stop in front of you. Jesus. I botched. Oh, no. But I have a plus 13. Okay. Well, it was still a botch. And the way we're going to do this is

TikTok, you're peering out of the front port of the infernal war machine and you see Winifred attempt to wave. You don't know Winifred but you do see

you know, what looks like a very endearing person. A very precocious human. Not really used to a lot of humans waving at you, standing next to a pile of sizzling gray ooze. But she rolled that one, so would I fire on her? It's up to you.

It's your infernal war machine. Do you roll 100 for that? It wasn't an attack. Do I have to roll a critical fail from a, for the performer? It wasn't an attack. It was a wave. I mean,

I literally could have just fallen over. Right. I don't care for the way you sling your wrist. Young lady. Does he speak to me? Uh, I'll let you choose. You have three ways.

You could be doing this. You could be popping out of a porthole, calling it out through the window, the window leg gap, or you could be using the war machine's amplification powers to cause it to be a booming, terrifying voice through the courtyard.

Do I recognize anyone? Do I just see her? Do a perception check. You are peering through a window, after all. Okay. Perception, you say? Uh-huh. Only a seven.

Yeah, you peer through. You really just see her and the pile of ooze. Okay, yeah. So then I would, just through the amplification system of the super tank, I would just pursue, like, identify yourself. Huge, massive voice. Do any of us recognize the voice?

Dr. Uwud and Kweep, can you do a insight check? Yeah. 13 and check. Yeah. 13 and 8. 21. 24. That's TikTok, y'all.

TikTok! Let's do a little 20-second dance. Winifred is fangirling out. Yeah, you've never heard his voice before. I think TikTok's in there. fan girls. Winifred is fangirling out. Yeah, you've never heard his voice before. Oh my God. I think TikTok's in there.

I think I would pop open, like you said, there's some sort of front porthole or whatever. There's like a lid, like there would be on a tank. Yeah. Cock-a-loo! Cock-a-loo to you. TikTok, you have recently managed to infiltrate the Warforged army that you were

plucked from some time ago and tap into their hive mind you've been controlling their army in an attempt to destroy the ice giants of claudenheim and you've succeeded when you heard that the lich king had his armies going south you you thought, well, now might be as good a time as any, and you started attacking the castle with your warforged army. You are very, very relieved to see what looks like a dead boss in the

courtyard. Who killed a baby? We all did. We killed the Lich too, Mr. TikTok. It's incredible to meet you. And I step forward. My name is Winifred Wintergem. I have performed the ballads of your heroic deeds many times in my community theater at Bozor.

And as you can see, I'm accompanied here by Lord Queep and the Doctor Uid. And, I mean, take a look around. We did it. We killed the Lich. And I just want you to be proud of me. You're a lot.

Oh, well! Lord Queep! Are you a feathery fine friend or not? I'm a friend indeed. Indeed? And Dr. Uid? I'm green with delight and covered with plants. Dr. Hugh Uid, if I'm not mistaken. You got that right. Oh, if only Darkther were. You got that right. Oh, if

only Darkthor were here. Where is Darkthor? Oh, well, about that. Brian, what do you think Darkthor is up to right now after having the trauma of Season 3 happen to him? Can you go more goth?

Yeah, absolutely. He's really... Oh, and he's buffed he's like how uh um trent resner is now oh right right i'm glad you said didn't say joe piscopo this is our leader this is our leader. Ronnie. Ronnie. Hello, Ronnie. I am TikTok. I like leading. You seem naturally born to it.

Not like our leader. Nice to meet you, TikTok. Yeah. Who was your leader? Oh, Darkthir. He was very sour. Although now he's gothier, so I would say he's glower. Nice. You all take a moment and realize

there is one more thing to deal with. Perhaps it is not combat related. Perhaps it will be. But just about 50 feet away, probably very proudly marching back and forth is Gus watching over the mantle of the Tenebrous one in a hallway inside. Oh, right.

What would you like to do about it do we know that uh tiktok wouldn't but friar jolly would yeah I gave him the the mantle to keep safe while we were fighting so he's been holding on to it

invisible yeah I mean are we gonna try to destroy it is that what we were I mean this is where going to try to destroy it? Is that what we were? I mean, this is where I feel like I don't, I've said this many times, but I feel like I don't know what I'm supposed,

what my character is supposed to think we're supposed to do with it. So. This is the hardest part of Dungeons and Dragons, making a moral decision. Well, I don't know. I guess I don't even know what the, like, I feel like I can make the decision if I knew what the...

You can roll this twice for both your PCs if you like, Chris. But everyone, why don't you do a religion check to try to just get a grasp on the situation. Copy. 15. 15 for Dr. Wood. Botch from Queep. Straight to hell. 19. What kind of roll? 19 for Dr. Wood. Botch from Queep. Straight to hell.

19. What kind of roll? 19 for Winifred. We're doing a religion check for the mantle of the Tenebrous one. Interesting. I think both of my characters got 16s. All right. We got a couple of 15 pluses.

That's good. 17. All good. 17. All right. Okay, so no one beat a 20? No. 19. I got a 1. 19 is pretty close.

It's like a 0-20. Everybody beat a 15. You could tell this is a very powerful artifact that we definitely draw attention from other realms. If you were to destroy it, it would cause such a rift in the magic weave that binds the planes of existence. This is something that has been hunted by demons and demigods and liches as a

way of ascending to God hood. If you were to put it on, it would imbue you with demigod-level powers where you would be able to access things that no mortal could in the way of power. You'd be able to traverse to different planes

and also there's a chance you would lose your sanity. Oh. Too late. If Ronnie put it on, would he potentially be able to do something about Danny? Potentially. Could we banish it?

Potentially. You'd have to have a banished spell that's permanent. Someone put it on. We don't really have the choice to destroy it is what you're saying because it's not no you absolutely can it'll just it'll have a content created it'll just make season our next season come up you won't you won't all instantly die if you destroy it but i think your characters would be that level of nervous because you don't know what will happen. Right. Okay, so we want to either lock it away. What if TikTok puts it on? He's not a human per se,

right? So would he have a different ability to stay sane? It would have a different effect. I don't know that he would have a different difficulty check on the saving throw that he would be doing. What kind of saving throw are we talking about? I'm not going to tell you,

but maybe if you'd beat a 20 or something. Okay, so we either need to lock it away, destroy it, but probably start a new war, so that doesn't seem like a great option. Or someone puts it on. We should take a vote? Sure. Let's vote.

Okay. And I think Far Jolly will speak up and go like, Remember last time how I made, didn't I make Queep like super strong? I can enhance someone's gift. So once we decide who it is, maybe I could put that enhancement on them and give them a little extra push.

So they don't kill the world. Well, let's start by saying do we want to try to lock it away somewhere or do we want someone to wear it? Put it on! Anyone who thinks we should try to lock it away somewhere, raise your hand.

Winifred raise your hand. That's one vote. Winifred raises her hand. I would say ayes and nays for our listeners, yes. All right. Yeah, fine. Aye. What about the non-player characters? All right, that's two votes.

Yeah, or the non-player. Who gets to vote? Gus and Hoshinka? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I would say Hoshinka would say, someone should put this on. That is going to be my vote.

Okay, well, we haven't gotten there yet. So we're just pinging in eyes for the... Gus is like, nah, don't lock it away. I think TikTok upon hearing his voice would be like, boss. You're the boss! Oh, bosses. All you other people, shut the fuck up

And he flies over to TikTok and perches on your shoulder Hello boss Hello boss Winifred Sings Boss and then has like a Sparkle effect of

Prestidigitation over their hug Yay Yes lots of hugs They are embracing like a sparkle effect of prestidigitation over their hug. Yay! Yes, lots of hugs. Yes, they are embracing. Now, it seems that and Winifred are the only people who don't want someone to put it on, so

the eyes have it in the other direction. Why are we still talking about the losers' ideas? What about everybody else who's putting this on? Now it's who is going to put it on. Promise. I could give you an extra enhanced ability

so that when you put on the crown to bring back your brother, you could still be you. Okay, listen, I'll write it down down how about everybody gets a first and second choice vote of who should put it on i will do the math on this this is ranked ranked ranked voting no you don't get to decide whether you put it on other people are going to vote for you or not because i feel like someone is forced into putting it on well i think this is the kind of thing which is like anyone who wants to be president shouldn't be president, right?

So it's like, if you want to put the crown on, that's actually a vote against you, so. What if I want to put it on? Does that mean I'm evil? Well, why don't we just not even talk about whether we do or don't? Okay, but we voted honestly? Hey, Gus, who is your first and second choice for who should

put the crown on? First is me, and then it's TikTok. Then you can't vote for yourself. Okay, first it's TikTok, and then the second is TikTok gets to decide who he loves the most, and they put it on. Nope, need a different second. I guess Dr. Uwud. Okay. And Dr. Uwud, who are your first and second choice about who should wear this crown?

I would think TikTok would be my first choice. And I think my second choice would be Admiral Stockdale. Makes sense. It's going to have to be someone who's present at today's gathering. I think Ronnie. Okay. Makes sense. It's going to have to be someone who's present at today's gathering. I think Ronnie. Okay. TikTok and Ronnie. Lord Queep?

I'll go Ronnie. I'll go TikTok. TikTok. Alright. Bar Jolly. Well, obviously Ronnie. He's our leader, after all. True.

And then, I'm not so sure about this new guy and his death car. I will also go with Dr. Wood. Houshinka? Oh, boy. Yes, I do know. Hello, by the way, TikTok. Hello.

Hoshinka, you're not trapped forever on that downward staircase. Thank you for remembering exactly how it was I was trapped. I don't think anyone else remembered. Yeah, you disappeared and we're like, oh shit, she got disintegrated or something. Yeah, that's about the level of dismissiveness that I interpreted from the situation also. My number one would be

TikTok and my number two would be Ronnie has been a decent leader. I give it to Ronnie. All right. Ronnie, who are your votes for? Ronnie? What?

Oh, sorry. I was going to vote for TikTok and Nancy Pelosi. I'm afraid, once again, it must be someone who is present at this gathering. Oh, then Nancy Pelosi and... Yeah. TikTok and... Queep. Oh, thanks.

Ooh. Winifred. Important votes here. Gotten zero votes for her to take on the mantle I don't think she didn't notice that she is going to vote for Ronnie what?

I'm right here Ronnie, number one, as our leader number two obviously, also had gotten no votes but deserves them in my opinion Friar Jolly whoa

I remember that one so if we do but unfortunately I feel like we got I tried to take track of the votes to like weighted so it was if you said your first choice two points do I get to vote and of the votes too, like waited. So it was, if you said your first choice, two points. Do I get to vote?

And that means that I feel like it's going to be. Well, yeah, TikTok hasn't voted. If you want to give him a vote. Well, TikTok can't vote because he doesn't know anybody here, right? He knows me. Oh, I guess he knows two people. Okay. All right.

Sure. Yes, Dr. Miller. Yes. But we know that Ronnie is our leader. Yes. Well, I mean. I haven't voted. Wait, no, I did.

I cannot vote for myself, so I will vote for Ronnie, the leader. And then after that, Gus, do you really want to put it on? I mean, I won't have enough votes, but I feel like you're tough enough that if you overrid it, everyone would just let me put it on.

Oh, I'm not going to override it, but I'm just saying maybe it would be nice. Would it make you feel good if you knew that I voted for you? Absolutely. I will vote for Gus. Huzzah! So now... It changes.

Wow, you really... You stepped in at the last minute in a dramatic... That was a very dramatic choice. Yes. If you're counting is my counting. So, yeah, I believe that. I believe that that pushes Ronnie over the top to the win. I've got Ronnie for 10 points.

Tick tock nine. So that would have just edged Ronnie past. Dr. It would to keep one fire. Jolly one. Gus one. And then a redacted vote for Nancy Pelosi and Admiral Stockdale.

Just waiting for the Wisconsin results to come in. Your time has come. I will write a truly epic poem about what has led up to this moment and another one, a sequel if you will, about what comes next.

Nice. Good luck to you. Friar Jolly will walk up to Ronnie and sort of put his hand on either shoulder and sort of be like, I just want to get a good feel here. Now, Ronnie, I'm going to try

and enhance you a little bit. Do you have any idea what it might be? Your ability that needs enhancing? Is there any way, Dan, I can try and get a sense ahead of time of what it would be? Yeah, go ahead. Do an insight check. Certainly. I'll let you choose.

You can do insight or arcana. I an insight check. Certainly. I'll let you choose. You can do insight or arcana. I'll do insight. 20. Natural or dirty? Dirty. Very good chance that it will be a charisma saving throw. Alright. Ronnie, with the power

of the silver flame, I enhance your beautiful body right charisma yeah alright so you have now eagle splendor

you have advantage on charisma checks my god he's gorgeous I'm gonna give him some bardic inspiration as well, which means he gets to pick. He'll get one die he can add if he does a saving throw right away. He gets to add a d10.

Nice. So I'm going to do like a cartwheel and then pull the crown over and be like, you dropped this king and then hand pull the crown over and be like you dropped this king and then hand him the crown and then we'll see like will be the name of the piece that I deliver

to you may you fly on the wings of an eagle and land with the delicate safety of a feather Ronald and land with the delicate safety of a feather. Ronald! Ronald! Long, long time ago.

Winifred sings. Sarah's not going to sing, but it is a gorgeous song. Her voice is really nice, unlike mine. And she sings a song. She doesn't know if it's Ronald or Ronathan, so she just goes with her gut on that.

here we go. Nice. All right. You going to put this crown on there, Ronnie? Sure. Gus drags the lasso towards you. Winifred writes down, he said, sure, he said. What's the D10?

What do I roll? You're going to take this crown that is floating in the air and put it on your head and do a charisma saving throw with advantage. Plus he can add a D10 if he wants. Yes.

I believe your charisma... I believe you'll want to add the D10 for sure. Remember, if he loses these, he's want to add the D10 for sure. Remember, if he loses these, he's going to kill us all. Get ready. It'll be interesting. I just explode. 15.

Is that with the D10? Yeah. And with advantage? Yeah. Oh, no. Roll twice. Roll twice, and then you get to add a d10 to the highest roll.

It's killing me. 17. Oh! Okay. Ronnie, you place the crown on your head, and your mind reels through all of the fights that you've been through uh

the complete it man series you've you start to just think about all the hong kong movies and kung fu movies that you've you know like definitely some play on words for jet lee and michelle yao that you would make monks for at some point if you could um but your mind starts to get lost in the adventures of many heroes throughout the years and you start struggling to focus on your own identity for a moment you do get a memory of danny your brother and you think wait wait a minute, I'm seeing Danny's adventures in the past. What if he had adventures in the future? Uh, I am going to give you a chance if you want to imbue the memory of Danny

and with a physical form, but it is going to require one more role. Brian, uh, if you would like to roll a D100. You got this, Brian! Oh, shit. 95.

Oh, my God. The rest of you are standing, and you can tell that Ronnie is having a very difficult time trying to take on the power of this crown. It's too much for his physical form, and his body seems to be blurring in and out of existence. Then, suddenly,

I'm not sure if any of you know this person. I don't know if you do, but Danny Yen fully pops back into existence standing next to Ronnie. Brian, Danny sees Ronnie kind of, he's about to just sort of like completely explode into, into just the magical ether and perhaps live amongst the stars. What would Danny do?

Uh, grab him, try to try to hug him and ready. I hadn't seen him in a long time. All right. Can I get a charisma saving throw from Danny? Okay. 15.

You manage to get a hug on Ronnie and pull him out from underneath the crown. The crown continues to float in the air. Ronnie is unconscious

and in a comatose state. But Danny, you are holding his unconscious comatose body. Oh, my brother. This is sweet. Save him, someone. Yeah, I will do a... I could do cure wounds on this guy.

All right. Well, he's not wounded. He's just unconscious. Well, I feel like the runner-up is going to have to... Unless TikTok, unless what you were saying with your eyes was that you think I should do it? Or... Otherwise, I do feel like...

I feel like it should be you as the... You were the vice president of the crown if you will you you won second place here so yeah well uh you know for a real pushy real push uh that's not what tiktok would say that's fire jolly cut it out bring tiktok back role play role play right yeah sure TikTok will put it on alright TikTok proudly and confidently with all the sexual energy of a war forged general walks over to the crown

and places his head beneath it can I get a charisma saving throw from TikTok before he did I sang to him before he did I sang to him obviously and does Before he did, I sang to him, obviously. And does Prior Jolly have the ability to imbue another... Sure, if you'll let me cast the spell again, I certainly will.

Okay, so Charisma saving throw, you say? Yep, with advantage plus d10. Alright, so first one is a 13. Second one is a 13. Ooh. Fascinating. Alright one is a 13. Fascinating.

Take that one. I'm going to add a D10 to it. Seven. So, total of 20. Oh, shit. Tic-tac, your mind begins to blur with the complete memories of the entire

Warforged army it's very difficult to hold a grasp on your own identity as you remember the baron you remember the falling out you had you remember the crew that traveled originally with you and uh

suddenly you snap back into the present um however you feel this sort of uh levity as you realize you no longer are bound to this plane you have the ability to travel back and forth and you think you have the ability to connect to the magical weave, draw power from it, perform rituals that no other mortal being could do, but you

will have to learn. I mean, I got some time. I've been doing a lot of pottery lately, so perhaps I can change gears a bit. Get into galactic control.

You all see TikTok's body blurb and then snap back. And now, very nonchalantly, he wears the crown of the Tenebrous one, which, by the way, you can if you like, magically mask it so other people don't see such an obvious sign. Not right now. No, I think I would like very much everyone to see

that he has a crown on his head. Looks good, boss! Yeah, that's right. You work it. I don't know what the big deal was. Why didn't we just put this on like a few seasons ago? I don't know. I was ready. Winifred starts a slow clap.

Can I wake up Ronnie? Oh yeah, you can just lift Ronnie back into consciousness so he can enjoy this moment.? yeah oh yeah you can just lift Ronnie back into consciousness so he can enjoy this moment alright well you boys probably want to eat a butter sandwiches together you're brothers you want to catch up just with the passing thought

you're able to cast greater restoration on Ronnie Ronnie you wake up in Danny's arms oh well my brother and this world and Clottenheim now has Johnny, you wake up in Danny's arms. Oh, my brother. And this world in Clottenheim now has a new immortal-ish being presiding over it. The Lich is dead.

The reign of undead elves in Clottenheim and beyond has ended. And the mantle of the Tenebrous one has been secured by a mechanical man. It's all about AI, isn't it, Dan?

Yeah, yeah. By the way, I didn't write any of this. I had ChatGPT write it and then I edited it for a lower rate. And you're listening to the Learner's Book later. We won D&D. We did it.

And Sam, did you catch this one? Oh, I did. Brian went under the giant gray baby and cut him open. Queep hit him with a great axe. Winifred hit him with a psychic lance out of her forehead, ultimately killing it. The sexual energy in the room changed immediately with the return of TikTok.

We're voting for who's going to put on this haunted-ass crown. Ronnie won slash lost the vote, and Danny Yen was brought back from the dead. We wrapped up all the loose ends. I warned Chris in advance that might happen. Thank you, Chris. Sure, thank you.

We did it. Good job, guys. Put that one in the books see it's all fine guys so is that it

for season five yep well next episode be next issue be season six

we're gonna probably we have a whole conversation we have to have offline about that right cool yeah the season six? We're going to probably... We have a whole conversation we have to have offline about that. Right. Cool. Sam's got some ideas. I'm okay with that. Dan, you got anything you want to plug? I mean, pay me to write

your Dungeons & Dragons campaign. Pay me several million dollars. I'm available for TV appearances. Just, you know, let me know. My manager is named Dern Turfler, and you can reach him at my email address.

Thank you for listening. I do stand-up comedy also. Goodbye. That sounds like a steve martin universe person i heard his career is going great learn with dern yeah nice uh um well i've got uh tour dates right i'm saying dot com i'm'm doing a bunch of shit at the end of the year here and then we'll see and then

but as always Image Comics I've got Scots McTiernan versus Evil and then I've got Grommets coming up soon and

Rifters, which I'm super excited about. So that's it for me. And always check out our merch. Now's a good time to get some Season 5 merch at nerdpokerpod.com. Yeah, I got it.

Wow, finally. Blaine, what's happening in Season 6 of Nerd Poker? We attribute the success to save mankind from death. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Thank you for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. I'm so glad we had this time together.

Just to have Ken laugh and Sam a song. Seems Chris just gets started and before Blaine knows it, comes the time for Brian to say so long. All this and the chocolate fountain at the wrap party turns out to be diarrhea. On the next Nerd Poker. You get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.