Nerd Poker - S5E7 Deadly Stink Cloud

Episode Date: August 23, 2022

Our heroes pull out all the stops in their first battle- silver flames are summoned and magical songs are sung, while arm blades slash, axes fly, and Dr. Uid's forehead vein pulses. But the gravity of the situation is suddenly clear as a filth cloud threatens to take down everyone, even though they've just met. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.

Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussin, comedian, writer, actor, nerd. I've been playing D&D with my friends for a long time. I decided to do a new podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons in my very own dining room with my wife, kid, and my noisy dogs. So meet my friends Sarah, Kev, Dan, Lee, Chris. Now it's time for another episode of Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey, it's Billy. Season five.

Hey, everybody. My name is Brian Poussaint. You're listening to Nerd Poker, my show. You know that. You've been listening to it for a long time. You tell people about it. They're like, nah, I'll check it out. They long time. You tell people about it, they're like, nah, I'll check it out.

They don't, but you still love it. You don't care what your friends think. That's a true nerd poker listener. My friends are here. One of them already went, that's my friend Goofy from Disney, also known as Dan Telfer. What's up, buddy?

Hi, Brian. Oh, you know, just doing my goofy laugh like I do. I do great Disney impressions. You want to hear my Mickey Mouse? Oh, hi, Brian. How are you? That's top notch. You're going to get sued. Hey, uh...

Oh, I know that guy. Yeah, right. Uh, by the way, Rhodes, uh, Dan, uh,

drove home with my family from, uh, Comic-Con this year. And, uh, Rhodes is still talking about your Jar Jar Binks bit. And instead of, we were going to,

I was going to have Dan do the bit. And then we just played the bit. I refused. I was like, let's bust this out. No, we, we Bluetoothed it up and found the bit and then we just played the bit. I refused. I was like, let's bust this out. No, we Bluetoothed it up and found the bit and then played it. But yeah, he still thinks that bit was awesome. And Melanie thinks you're the nerdiest person I know.

Anyway. In a good way. Blaine's here. Look at him. Oh, hey, hi. I was just thinking, now I feel bad that I'm not as nerdy as Dan. No, you're the joke. I'm glad you feel bad.

That's great. You're known as the joke machine. In our house, you're known as the joke machine. Oh, okay. And I ain't going to joke for nobody but you. Ken's here. Hi, Brian. How are you?

Ken's from Karate Kid. Yeah, it's a country that a lot of people don't know about. Kara-ticket. Sarah's here. Hello. Hello, how are you? I'm well, and yourself? How's Winifred? I'm good We'll find out, I guess

On this episode of Nerdful Oh god, we're starting Friar Jolly is here Hello Or Chris Tallman If you like humor And friendship If not, if you like humor. If you're nasty. And friendship. If not, if you like the art of ninja, you might call me the Silver Star.

I'll do that. Yeah, all right, cool. Yeah, sure. Stop trying to make the Silver Star happen. Keeping it together, as always. I want his job to sound super important to his girlfriend, just in case he exists. He really is the glue of this show, lady. He's amazing.

He's kept this going on air for 20 years now. Sam Kiefer, everybody. Hello, sweet children. Hey, pal. Hi, everybody. How's the cutest dog in the world? Let's find out. He's good.

Oh, look at him. Is that a new collar? No. Yep. Well, Sam Winston, the people at Sam Winston, or Stan Winston, not Sam Winston, the people at Sam Winston, or Stan Winston, not Sam Winston. The people at the Stan Winston Studios had to put a new collar on him because the head was loose.

So they figured might as well give him a fancy new collar when they put the head back on. And I keep chewing on his eyes because I'm teething. So glad to have him I love practical effects yeah those big ears masterpiece I heard Joe Dante was pissed

because he feels that Brahman has ripped off his gizmo design yeah I've heard that too stay mad no one remembers that Gizmo design. Yeah, I've heard that too. Stay mad. No one remembers the howling. Anyway. I was just thinking about how my dad died in a chimney on Christmas.

Yeah. Silver bullet in my hand. I was thinking how you had really hot tits when you got out of my pool that one time. Oh, was that when we had the bras on our heads or was that the other one? That's Steven Seagal's wife, by the way. Who? Kelly LeBrock. No, it isn't.

It was, wasn't it? They were married for a while. Phoebe Cates. Back in the day, yeah. Yeah, that's Phoebe Cates, not Kelly O'Brien. Oh, I know. I was making a joke about getting long boobs. Yeah, yeah. I was doing fast times

and you went to Weird Science. We're from the 80s, you guys. So many boobs. We're living in the 80s. Dan. Hey, Brian. I was just telling Kalen, I think Weird Science is like a really stupid movie

to have gotten the only, I think, billboard charting song for Oingo Boingo. Like, it's so funny that they're like latched to that wagon. It's not held up. That movie is not held up. I disagree. Well, you know, we're all entitled to our own weird opinion.

Weird opinion. Why don't people understand? My opinion. Is it real? So, yeah. Let's get down to business. Thank you, Patreon supporters

at our Hey Boss and Stargoyle tiers. They go by usernames like MissKonstruzzi's Discount Sperm Bank and Low Fat Yogurt Emporium. Ooh. Thanks. God, they only get gross. I don't know what the fuck happened to our

Patreon supporters, but they've made some gross choices. Thank you, Gazzardo's Vainies. You gotta hear this. Ken, I know you don't want to hear this. No, I want to hear it. Let's hear Gazzardo's Vainies. You got to hear this. Ken, I know you don't want to hear this. No, I want to hear it. Let's hear it. He's taking responsibility for their choices because it's our show.

Thank you, Gazzardo's Vainies Cerulean Feet Fetish. Wow. Cerulean? Upsetting. Thank you, Luke Husbetron Jibjibus Prime. Thank you. Thank you, R Husbetron Jibjabus Prime. Thank you. Thank you, Rurani Kalane. There would have been far fewer dwarf guts in the walls if Sarah had been there to remember they were there.

Yeah, really. True. Thank you, Brian's Unrivaled Hatred of Flip Flops. Thank you, Druzzle. Thank you, Randall's Candles, Handles, and Sandals Emporium Deep in the Dildo District. Thank you, Sir Swedish Sirloin Meatballs. Thank you, WV French Fried, which West Virginia French Fried is what I'm assuming that means. Thank you, This Name's Brought to You by Salivagram.

Call 1-800-U-SPIT today, Dan. Thank you, Michael Bennett. Thank you, I have no mouth and I must scream, Denny! There's about 26 whys. Thank you, The Prancing Bard. Thank you, Roy Donk, King of the Tuk Tuk Sound. Thank you, Melee Kill Leaky Maka. Thank you,

Post Encounter Dungeon Cleanup Enterprises, You Slay, We Scrub. Thank you, David Flea Roth. maka thank you post encounter dungeon cleanup enterprises you slay we scrub okay thank you david flea roth thank you the surgeon left a sponge in me thank you jockey chan thank you bart hosier thank you death atlas thank you benjamin vaughn thank you heck 487 thank you charles kawaii wait that's not it let me try again thank you that's that one time Brian forgot his 4th edition character sheet and had his babysitter

read it to him on the air also known as the iron kettle oh god thank you Russian Guyovich thank you two in the thoughts one in the prayers that one goes out to our 45th president uh thank you old bag of holding thank you sorry about ruining your netflix special sad face i guess that was uh i don't know somebody who didn't like jonah ray spraying foam on him at brian's netflix special uh thank you micah

purdue thank you dark third digby sellers thank you mr clerk man thank you danny's corpse gaping foam on him at Brian's Netflix special. Thank you, Micah Perdue. Thank you, Darkthor Digby Sellers. Thank you, Mr. Clerkman. Thank you, Danny's Corpse Gaping Necrotic Tonsil Crypts. Ooh. Thank you, Who Has Two Thumbs Up Them and Loves This Podcast, This Guy's Ass Closet. Thank you, Matt Weins. Thank you,

Miss Construzies. An Overcrowded Parking Ramp, Miss Construzies, a fun place for your kids to play. Hey, Blaine, who is those patrons brought to us by? Patrons brought to us by... Bad Food Court. Sbarfos. Panda N Express.

Hot Dog Off a Stick. Antiifax pretzels, Mrs. Fields of the Nephilim, Brown Julius, now with egg beaters, Dunkin' Donuts, not affiliated with Dunkin' Donuts, and Brazilian Grill, going out of business since 2004. Bad food court. Yay, I would eat there and watch that TV show. Promotional consideration for Nerd Poker brought to you by Food Court After Dark with Sbarro's, Anal Panda Express, Stick Up a Hot Dog, Five Guys right next to Airtight Pizza,

Wetzel's Penis, Mrs. Field's Cookies, Dunkin' D's Nuts, and Aren't You Glad I Didn't Say Cock Julius. Yeah, Food Court After Dark. Dan? Thank you, Blaine. Whoa. I mean, truly, thank you. That was educational.

Very good. It's now time to talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. Are you trying to hypnotize us? What the fuck? No, I'm playing with my cat. He's multitasking. Cat out of nowhere is always great.

You don't have a cat. Yeah, for the viewers at home, the cat that haunts Dan's apartment just jumped into the frame and scared everybody. Like one of those videos where you're trying to find something. This is Duncan Poonchky Telfer. Alright, it's time to talk about what happened last night.

That cat is quintessential and shit. You know what I mean? Yeah. I do. No. What's that a reference to? I mean, that's just like perfect cat. It looks like the platonic ideal of a cat. Yeah.

Yeah. For a birthday present from Kalen I got the cat DNA test I'm going to find out if he is an exotic breed Because he's very lanky And jumps around I think he might be something crazy Dan what if he's 10% predator Oh my god heat fishing

Speaking of How about that prey I haven't seen it have you Is it good Oh my god, heat vision Speaking of, how about that prey? I haven't seen it, have you? Oh my god, it's good Is it good? I really want to see it, it got great reviews Super simple, super great I think it's interesting Sarah doesn't like prey

I have an Asian Shorthair that was super athletic, it was like of all the cats I've ever owned that cat, and he would ride on my shoulder every morning. He would just run up my body and when I brushed my teeth, he would ride through the house on my shoulder.

Wow. Being on you is like being on a giant. It's like in Time Bandits when the ship is on the guy's head. Yes. Well, somebody saw him on my Instagram riding around on my shoulders as he does like to do and they said he might be an egyptian mal so that'll be interesting he's definitely he's definitely insane so i'm looking forward to finding out what his uh there might be a lot

of reasons to actually do that but yeah yeah exactly it could be that he's just a domestic short hair mix but uh it'll be fun to find out because unlike a dog people don't really know what the hell a cat is it's related to Charlemagne wow exactly oh just like me we're cousins oh okay great well I suppose

now we can talk about what happened last time under poker our heroes are deep in the harpy cave and then cloud ofink is now descending upon them. We now take you to their melee already in progress. So yeah, there's like a dozen Harpies in the room with you guys. And it's getting a little nasty as one cloud has engulfed Bunklechi Rankinboing, who is already surrounded by Harpies. He's in kind of a bad way, but, um, you know,

one of the tumbles of harpies was coming in was getting blocked off by ice, thanks to Dr. Uid. And, you know, up next in the turn order is Queep. Queep is, shit's definitely getting gross and intense. It seems like, you know, about once per turn, this fog bank of

hell stink is getting closer to everyone. What would you like to do? Stinky stink. I'm just going to attack again. All right. Let me check where we are on the map here. Yeah. So if you look at the old Roll20.

And by the way, again, if any of you guys can take a quick screen grab right now of what the melee looks like, I think that could be fun for listeners. Send it my way and the elves will make sure it ends up on Instagram and Patreon. That's an awful lot of herpes. So many. It is! I'm going to boomerang it. How about that?

Uh-oh, it's time for the old dual blade of Kukula to fly about like a boomerang. Let's try that out. Hey, Sam, when I send you the screen grab, can you edit out all my open porn tabs? Thanks in advance. That is a 23 to hit.

Oh, that's a hit. These harpies have an AC of 11. Oh, wow. Alright. I will. Well, wow. All right. I will. Well, how does this boomerang attack work now? Does it have a dunnigan? Well, Queep.

Oh, it'll come back to you, Ken. It'll come back to you. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Gooblade and Kugel has a 30-foot boomerang attack. So can I get more than one? Fucker? Yeah. All right. You can...

You can do more than one, but what's sort of fun about it is it's got a 30-foot range, and if you crit, it has a chance to hit a second person, but you have to aim for one. Got it. It's like some guy walking down the street.

Let's see what my attack is. So you're chucking it. Is it to a guy farther away? I'm just doing it to the guy right here. Right in front of you? Yeah. All right. That's five.

I don't know. Yeah, five points of damage Okay Terrible roll It's not great No Why don't you, uh You're taking your second attack You can do it again

Boomerang it again Here it comes Uh Twenty-three Hey More hits Twenty-three Make sure that dams

And then the damn dams are six. Alright, well he's looking rough, but he is not dead because those have not been extremely high attack rolls. They were not good rolls. Or damage rolls, I should say. No, they were perfect. Attack rolls were great.

That's what's important. Neither of them were crits though, right? That first one was 20 something. Not at all. It was plus bonuses. Want to make sure we didn't miss one. Dr. Uwitt, it's your turn. And I am, I have what?

Two, three people in range right in front of me. Yeah. Right now you've got three all kind of right in front of you. And, right now you've got three all kind of right in front of you, and then there's a couple more over by Kweep and Winifred to your left. Okay, I'm going to I'm going to

thorn whip. Yeah, I'm going to thorn whip whoever is closest to me. And I think I get... Create a long vine-like covered whip. Covered in thorns, lashes out of your command.

Melee attack spell. So roll a melee attack spell. Spell attack. So that's a 15 plus 7, 22. Oh, that's a hit. Roll that damage. 9 points of damage.

And I'm trying to see if I get another attack. Well, Thornwhip, what level are you casting it? It's just a cantrip. Okay. Well, it's 1d6 piercing damage. How'd that get 9 points of damage? Or is it 2d6? It's 2d6. I'm looking at it right here. Okay. Well, it's 1d6 piercing damage. How'd that get 9 points of damage? Or is it 2d6?

It's 2d6. I'm looking at it right here. Okay. Oh, it automatically is saying 2d6, but that's interesting, because it's weird. It says in the description it's only 2d6 if you get to 5th level. So I don't know how you pulled that off.

But I'm 8th level. No, the spell. Oh, when oh when you reach no you're right you're right i'm a ding dong i misread something that was incredibly clear thank you blank i trust dnd beyond to to tell me what i would not even be yeah yeah as well you should but that makes me want to really quickly check something so vicious mockery what might have been the same thing. No, I do have the extra damage. I have it in there, but you're right. It's still only for one dude,

but it is 2d4 instead of 1d4. Yeah, so you should have rolled another d4, right? No, I did. I rolled two. Okay, okay, it all worked out. Same thing. I think you looked at a... This thing happened. Great.

So, Dr. Uid, you thorn whip a dude for nine points of damage. Is it going to be one specific person? I guess whoever is closest to me. Whoever was... I mean, there's three people on you, so I'm just trying to narrow it down for hit points reasons. There's one right in front of you on your left, one to your right. The one to your left is the most fucked up. You know, I'll... How about I do the one to the far right

so that I can just start getting damage on everybody. Sounds good. And I think that's it, right? I only get one attack per round. I think so. Yep. Oh, actually, you know what i have that as a bonus action you can use flame blade oh i was going to save that actually because uh because it's a concentration

spell and i want it to be like the last thing that i that i use when it gets up close. Oh, okay. Well, I'll keep that in mind. I'll save the best french fries for last when I'm too full to eat them. Nice. Now, yeah, it's in a spell slot, so you're right. That makes sense, but I do think

because it's concentration, you could do it now and it lasts 10 minutes. I mean, you could bust that flame blade out now and keep it probably to the end of combat. I was also, but the thing is too, I have some other big spells that I would like to kind of take out later to pick out larger groups of people. And I don't want to have to put a flame blade down for that.

Great, great, great. I am again, walking through all this, not only for your benefit, but for myself. So I can remember this as an option, and for listeners, because they find this interesting sometimes. That's okay. I'm sure this will fuck up and get me hurt somehow. Maybe.

2022 is anything to go on. Hey, Brian, it's Ronnie's turn. Ronnie, you just shadow stepped away. But yeah, you can kind of like go help bunk out. You got a few people coming towards you now. I don't know if you're looking at the map right now.

I'm going to go help bunk. Go help bunk? Okay. So if you move about 10 feet south, you can do that. Do you want to attack some of the guys like right on him? Go ahead and roll to attack. Okay. Show us what roll to attack. Okay. Show us what that arm blade can do. Yeah, watch it.

I gonna. Uh, confidence. It worked, though. 13 plus 6, 19. Ooh, that's a head roll damage. Yeah, watch me. Pfft. Uh. Uh. Uh. Yeah, watch me. Are you kidding me?

So, what's your damage? What's your damage? Nice. Remember the John Hughes movie? What's your damage, Heather? Oh, no, that was in Heather's, yeah. Nine. Great, so you chop into the guy directly in front of you.

By the way, Bunk has been having some trouble, as listeners may remember, getting any real hits in. So you hear a sigh of relief from within the stink cloud where he is currently kind of engulfed. He teleported himself straight into the middle of the horn. Whoopsie doodle. How about that flurry of blows, Brian? You want to start doing some unarmed strikes?

Don't I have to do a key? Yeah, I'll do that. You can't. It would take another key point. Yeah, you could just do one unarmed strike as a bonus action as opposed to two. I'll do one. Great. Hold to attack. No, probably two. Eleven. two only one great although attack no probably to know 11 oh that's exactly what you need to hit a heartbeat oh really that's sweet yeah roll that damage rolling damage nice okay the heartbeat is looking pretty rough when you just punched in the throat.

Okay, good. I shadow walk again. Okay. Can I do it again, or is it a key? The thing is, it is a bonus action, and you've already used your bonus action for the unarmed strike. Okay, so I'll stay with Bonk.

Yeah. But if you get overwhelmed, you can potentially do that again for sure. Okay. So do remember that. Up next is going to be Bonk. Pretty hard to see what he's doing, but he is definitely swinging and choking and choking and swinging. swinging and choking and choking and swinging so you hear a couple of cuts as he swooshes through Ronnie you see some blood spray out of one you just out of

the one you just attacked and another one appears to be grievously injured so he's doing a little bit better. I'm gonna see, I think he can maybe get his own ass out of there with the spell he got into it with, um, so yeah, he is gonna go ahead and use his bonus action to all of you see Bunk blink back. By all of you, I mean pretty much everyone except maybe Fire Jolly who can't quite see it. Bunk

kind of blinks closer to where he originally was and says, oh! Got a little ahead of myself there. Up next is going to be Winifred. Yes, hello. Okay, I'm learning

in our first major battle the limitations of my spell choices and I look forward to leveling where I can make some different choices. In the meantime, thank you. In the meantime, you In the meantime Winifred is going to

Say Close your ears to everybody And is going to play like a Piercing note on her pipes And cast shatter Again At a higher level this time Wow she's so bored with her own spells folks

Well I just wanted to You know Variety is the spice of life Am I right? She's so bored with her own spells, folks. Well, I just wanted to, you know, variety is the spice of life. Am I right? Literally. I said, am I right, everyone? Yes.

Variety. Can I get a hell yes? Hell yes. Such is the spice. Yes. Hell yes. Who controls the spice of life controls the spice of the universe. Sarah, can you ping

where the center of the shed is? Oh, man. Oh, no. Who moved right into my center area? Bunk did. Oh, Bunk. Well, hi. Had it all set. I

got confused. Well, I guess it's going to be here. Yeah, well, I just had it all set up to get the max people, but yeah, I'll do here well I guess it's gonna be here yeah well I just had it all set up to get the max people but yeah I'll do here I guess so this gets I think you should go for the max people 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 this gets 7 of them if I go right from here

friar chaos saying just do it in the middle alright we got what did they need to get for their saving throw? They shall need to make a constitution saving throw 16 Guess what, the highest roll was a 12 So hit me with that damage Cool, and I'm going to cast it at 3rd level

Oh shit Damage increases Oh god damn it That's very annoying Because I could have done 32 points of damage But I did 10 points of damage Oh Very annoying and unchristian

Um There is no christ in this world I want your bottle What was the total damage I was too busy laughing Right We should have like the most christian campaign What was the total damage? I was too busy laughing. We should have the most Christian campaign. Our next season should be

super Christian. Sorry, I just noticed that Chris changed his display named the Silver Star. Chris. Also, Licky, the Cocker Spaniel, is paying us a visit. Licky! I like how Licky's ears are blending into Brian's beard.

She's not a cocker, she's a Cavalier King Charles. Yeah, what the fuck's wrong with you? Dan, don't get it twisted. Clearly I'm a cat person. Brian, what do you call Licky's stand-up act? Fuck-faced shitpants. Oh, yeah. Oh.

I don't know if that's an accurate breed description either, Brian. It's a Pomeranian, dude. She's got papers. Oh. All right. So, that means a lot of these harpies are getting seriously fucked up. How much damage, Sarah? None.

Barely any. Ten. First of all, that's not nothing. Second of all, I think it's funny ten made you angry. Ten on a bunch of them. Well, ten on what could have been 32 is painful. Yeah. I mean, you could have done a lot better.

Right. Yeah. A little better. Winifred stamps her foot. Hey, everybody, can we do a quick audit of how good a player Sarah is? I really feel like it would. Oh, wow.

Jeez. Oh, man. I feel like we should all judge her by this dice roll because I think that's what it is. Look, let's just go for it and do how good a person am I. All right? Oh, interesting. Let's just do it.

That's easy. We all finally break two or three out of ten. I? All right? Oh, interesting. Let's just do it. That's easy. Okay. We all finally break two or three out of ten. I feel like you're an okay person. Frankly, I've got pretty high standards, so no one really is great to me, but I think you do all right. Your ace is in my book.

Fuck you? I don't know. I would put you, like, at least a notch above mediocre, for sure. I'll take it. Okay. So you don't kill...

Thank you. You do not kill any of the harpies. However, you put a huge dent in them. They don't have a shitload of hit points. But a shitty dent in you. That's good. Let's take them all away from him. I got scared.

Consequences for my actions. So yeah, they... A ton of these harpies just get rocked and just like flail around. You get a 10. You get a 10. Owl feathers everywhere. Yeah.

They say shit like ow. They say shit like ow. They say shit like scree and sc say shit like screeee and scrawl. Hey, what the? Anything else you'd like to do with your turn, Sarah? In you. That's it. Okay.

Up next is going to be the harpies. So the stink cloud increaseth, you all notice. It is going to get this far. Oh, interesting. Is it a magical stink cloud? Nope, it is filth, decay. You hear buzzing flies in it. It seems like all of these harpies

were kind of back there, just quietly milling about and haven't had this level of a disturbance in their nest in a very long time. And so there's just an eruption of filth that is highly

opaque and thick. It's becoming very difficult to see through and it's going to engulf Ronnie, Bunk, and Dr. It's becoming very difficult to see through and it's going to engulf Ronnie, Bunk, and Dr. Druid. Not Drew. Dr. Who? Dr. Druid! Sorry, I gave away your secret.

Your secret real name. What about Adderola? Wait, what was Dr. Uid's full name again? It was Drew Hugh. Where's Hugh Drew? Yeah, Dr. Dr. Uid's full name again? It was Drew Hugh. Where's Hugh Drew? Yeah, Dr. Drew Hugh Uid. Hugh Drew Uid. The first time you said that to me, I got so upset.

It was one of those things that made me laugh, but also just like, how is this happening in dungeons and dragons this dumb joke oh boy pretty dumb uh season three folks it was a fun time um okay so that is all happening and unfortunately harpies are also spreading around and attacking my friends so we're gonna go ahead and bunk is getting a dungeon master why don't you help us Dan I don't feel like that's a great note Why don't you kill all the harpy You know exactly how to win this Yeah you could make them not attack us Oh shit

Just by thinking about it You can help all your friends Dan When you said it out loud it made me think of it I'm afraid Your friends will find This battle station Fully operational Or something like that afraid your friends will find this battle station fully operational. Or something like that.

I'm sure I'll get raped for not having the fucking quote exactly right. Oh, Sarah, go ahead. Beep boop. Sarah ramblings ass. Fucking get him wrong. Go ahead with your Star Wars. No, let me get this restraining bolt off you. Texting somebody while that was happening.

I'm afraid you'll conflicting somebody while that was happening. The free will deflect us in the great operation. Brian, Ronnie is going to get attacked by eight harpies. Holy shit. Oh no, that's a lot of harpies.

We better roll to it. I'm going to roll provide Valtrex. Have we done a Valtrex joke yet? No. We did a Valtrex joke. Thank you. Is there walls or poles or anything that he can maybe scramble up and get

a higher... Oh, on his turn, sure. Yeah, unfortunately it's the harpies turn so there's going to be a little bit of ugly damage at a second. Four hits on Ronnie. Oops. Accidentally rolled some 20s with those sixes. You don't want to take damage from a 20-sided tie.

No, no, no. Good, good, good, good, good, good. All right. So Ronnie. How many hit points do. So, Ronnie. How many hit points do you have, Ronnie? Um, two ladies. I'm at 30 right now.

Okay. You're going to take 23 points of slashing damage. I don't like it. Sure, not one bit. 23? It's kind of like it had a dot, dot, dot on it. Yep. For me, no. Oh, good.

That'd be funny if there was more happening that was evil because Dungeon Master is being evil. It's funny. Bunk is going to get hit by three. And he's going to take a lot of damage. Oh, poor Bunk. He started with a decent amount of hit points, but he's down. He's

30 of 60 right now. That's half. Mm-hmm. Dr. Wood's being attacked by three harpies. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I know. Dr. Wood, you're... Dr. Wood's being attacked by three harpies. Mm-hmm. Hairpiece. By three hairpieces. Oh, my God.

Please stop attacking me. I'm also a client. Three misses. Oh, very nice. Queep, you're being attacked by one who misses. What? And Winifred, you're being attacked by one who misses. What? And Winifred, you're being attacked by one that misses.

So all of those harpies miss somehow. Um, Ronnie, I'm going to need, and Dr. Uwud, I'm going to need you to both do a constitution saving throw. Brian,

constitution saving throw, please. 17. You managed, uh, 17 You manage Dr. Uid to kind of steal yourself and breathe through your sleeve and not take any damage

from the stink cloud. Can I pull my turtleneck up? Collegiate turtleneck this whole time He totally is wearing a turtleneck I feel like that is absolutely canon With a blazer, with leather elbow patches. I was, I am an academic, Dan.

Thick whale cord jacket. Yeah, and every time I reach up into a cabinet to get plates off the top shelf, my sweater rises up and you can see my butt like Donald Sutherland. Hey, Brian, Constitution Saving Throne, what'd you get? Yeah, I just did it. It was, it came up eight. Brian, Constitution Saving Throne, what'd you get? Yeah, I just did it. It came up eight.

Brian, you've still got my bonus. Blast from before, so you can add a D4 to that if you want. Okay, cool. I will take it. Roll that D4. D4, watch me. D, D, D. 2, so 10. Better.

Better. Not high enough, unfortunately. You are going to take 9 points of poison damage. Wow. I am down two points then. You have two hit points left? No, I'm down two. I'm negative two. I only had seven.

Ronnie goes down. No shit. I didn't know you were that bad. What the... Oh, I would have... Yikes. Well, what have you done? I would have... Yikes. Is, what have you done? I would have... Yikes. Is what I said. What I meant was I would have cured wounds or something.

I have no idea. Me? Yes. All right. I've got healing from a buddy, but he's so far away. I can do...

I guess I'm going to go for it. I'm going to sort of reach inside and cast Healing Word, which is a range of 60 feet, which I think I already measured he's within. Let me just check to be sure. Yep, he's 55 feet away so i'll cast healing word on uh ronnie at uh what is this fourth level i guess it would be so it's gonna be um let me see oh shoot sorry shoot. Sorry, guys. I have the wrong thing up.

Cool. You're going to need to move forward a little bit. 44 plus. I'm 55 feet away. He's not in visual range at the moment. Oh, do I have to see him? Do I need to see him? Copy that.

Then I will go one, two. Does that get me close enough to see him, Dan? If I move three, 15 feet closer? Yes. Great. I'm double checking, too. I thought you had to see him. Creature, is it just within range? I'm sure you're right.

Nope, I'm not. You don't have to move. Okay, so I'm going to cast... Target a creature of your choice with it. You can see within range. I was right. I waffled the shit out of that. What a fucking rollercoaster that was.

That was really exciting. Oh my god. So I'm going to cast it for a total... It's 44 plus 5, so it's a total of... Oh, that's a horrible roll. 13 hit points back to my friend. And then I'm going...

Yeah, so Ronnie gets 13. Ronnie, you got 13 hit points. Yay! So he would be back up. And then that was my bonus action. And then again, as my action, I will cast Toll the Dead. Except this time I'll cast it on the one that's right in front of Winifred, who's like due south of me.

So that guy, or gal, actually, has to make a... I believe they're already hurt. Isn't that right, Dan? Yep. Okay, so they have to make a DC 16 Wisdom saving throw. How many of them is it you said? Three? It's just one. It's just one of them. I take a DC 16 wisdom saving throw. How many of them is it you said? Three?

It's just one. It's just one of them. The one right in front of Winifred. That's an eight, so defense. All right, it takes, because it already hurt, it takes 2d12 plus five. Oh, not, well, interesting. So I rolled a 12 and a one, so it's a 13 plus five, 18 points

of damage to that Harpy, whose body I respect, but again, I wish you were dead. How would you like to see it die? I would like to see her body shattered, but her spirit respected by all as it rises

to feminist heaven. All right. As that Harpy dies, by all as it rises to feminist heaven. Alright. As that heartbeat dies, up next is Queeps. Hi. I'm gonna kill some stuff. I'm gonna

attack with my double blade of kukla. These are all alive around me, yeah? These motherfuckers. Yeah. So, unfortunately, only one went down. There's two within immediate melee range, and if you wanted to toss it, there's plenty more.

I'm going to slash at one of them now. Is there one that has more damage? I mean, right in front of you is looking rough. All right. That's a 20, not natural, to hit. Ooh, an unnatural 20. Okay. And that is damage-wise.

Great band name. Oh, my God. Okay. Damage. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Eight points of damage.

All right. On one. How would you like to see it die? I would like to see it scream and run around the room and then fall to the floor really quickly. There's some bobbies chasing me. And then I will attack again. Okay. Here it comes.

I can feel it. That is a 23. Hit. And the damages are... Here it comes. 10. How would you like to see a Harpy die? This one, I would just like to see sort of collapse in a pile of...

It collapses, folds in on itself. It's a mess. Sorry, Harpy. A pile of pudding-like gristle and feather. Oh, God. Will that do it for you, Cleep? That is my turn.

It is, except you do have some movement left, and there's not a living Harpy within melee range if you wanted to start moving around. I'm fine wearing it. Oh, well, okay. Up next is going to be Dr. Uwud. I would like to take a step back

so that I'm out of, I guess, out of melee range of these guys. Yeah. And I'm going to... You're first going to take two attacks of opportunity. Oh, I am? Oh, hey, can I change my mind? No. What? If you declare it,

it is done in this particular case. Okay, sure, sure. I'll take it. That's a crit. Sorry. Oh, come on. I don't feel great about it. This is a good way to imprint this rule. He's not going to forget it again now. All right. Yeah.

This is not fun. So that's going to be 78 points of damage. No, 8 points of slashing damage from the first one. Okay. How many hit points you got, Dr. Hood? I have 31 left. Good.

And an 18 hit. It's gonna be six points of slashing damage. It's fucking heartbeats. I don't like them. There's too many of them. I'm going to be...

I got... TPPH. I'm going to... Now that I've taken a step back and... I'm sorry. My opportunity attacks. I would like to produce some flame. Yeah!

Here it comes. All right. That's a 19 to hit. That's a hit. And then I had 2d8 fire. So. Six. Yeah. Six points.

At whichever one, I guess the one that I had hit before. Actually, no. I'll take the one that I hadn't hit yet. Okay. So this is gonna be there for one that i had hit before or actually no i'll take the the one that i hadn't hit yet okay um so this is gonna be there for the duration of 10 minutes if you need um and so it sheds a bright light as well it's gonna be six points and therefore fuck up pretty bad the one that you haven't hit yet, because it has been hit by shatter.

Should it be? Oh, cool. Hit by something. It has been hit before, if not by you. Will that do it for your turn, sir? I think that's it, yes. Lovely. Up next, it's Ronnie.

Hey, Ronnie. Someone tell Brian the good news about Ronnie. Hey, Ronnie. The tell Brian the good news about Ronnie. Hey, Ronnie. The Silver Star healed you. Where is the power of the Silver Star? You're up to 13 hit points, Brian. Chris, do a cartwheel. Really?

Yep. Chris healed you. I don't know. Did you just say, thanks, buddy. That's what we're here for, How do I get out of it on D&D Beyond though Disengage Just add your points back

It should let you Just manually add your Hit points How many points did I get 13 Lucky 13 What could possibly go wrong it is lucky and some it's not letting me do anything hold on 31 you said no 13. yep 31 31 works for me.

I'm not against it. All right. Just don't tell Dan. Not at all. Just picking flowers like I often do. He's not paying attention. Let's have another game going. Get that cat back in here.

He really distracts him. Just get the cat back in. Brian, would you like me to try and fix your hit points? Uh, yeah. You do it. Yeah, I did one accidentally. Okay. Maybe I did it. Hang on.

Oh, you're good. Not that easy after all. Oh, he did it. Is battle music? I wonder if Sam put battle music under this. It's actually very jaunty right now. Here she comes. We'd use the Game of Thrones theme song.

I will say, that song when I was a kid, I love Hall & Oates, but that song terrified me. I took it 100 100 literally and thought it was about a man eater i did too i was really animalism i thought sarah smile was about a saber-toothed tiger the smile of dons that they had a whole eating people theme you're delish girl well i remember like asking my parents what it meant and then they were like oh it's an exaggeration it means that she she, you know, ruined a man's life.

And I was like, but like comparing her to another woman who eats human beings. This is terrifying. They were like, no, no. And I was like, my imagination has already committed the crime. Yeah, that was a bad one. I had this very similar situation. I loved it. I was like intrigued and fascinated.

Speaking of which, Brian, I find you intriguing and fascinating. What are you going to do? Are you going to shadow step first? Are you going to stabby stab? You're surrounded by harpies in a stink cloud. Here it comes. I'll go for the closest

one for sure. Well, you've got nine surrounding you, so there's a lot of close. Oh, that's 22. Oh, shit. All right, well, I'll say you're attacking the one that's got the lowest hit points. That's just to the south of you. So first of all, let's get that damage. I eat cannibals.

Tall notes, right? Sure is. It does not die, but you rip out a huge chunk of flesh and feather. Are you going to use your bonus action to punch or shadow step? Punch. Oh, boy. Go for it. He's brave.

Or is he foolish? 20. Wow. That's a hit. He's brave. Or is he foolish? 20. Wow, that's a hit. Roll that damage. You punching the same one? Yeah. Sweet. Sick.

Rad. Tubular. Six. What are all those special levels in Super Mario World? So yeah, this harpy is super low on hit points as you punch it right in the ribs, you hear a crack noise, not

quite dead, but looking ugly. Cool. Up next in the turn order shall be Bunk. Bunk has made some quite hubristic mistakes, is surrounded again and is gonna do his darndest have at me for donkey land he says as he slashes with his scimitar uh it's a hit uh go ahead he just gets right into the gullet of this one and rips its stomach out. He goes to the one in front of him with his longsword.

That one also goes down. So he manages to kill two of the harpies on his turn. Up next is going to be none other than Winterfred. Wintergem. All right. My options are getting slim. So I am going to sing a beautiful song.

I'm sure. Nope. Not this time. Um, this time I'm going to yell at the closest, uh, heartbeat. And, um...

And with vicious mockery. Alright. Let's see what happens. As fearsome as a chicken, I scream. Ugh! That'll be a saving throw of 15. Uh, they needed 16, so...

Uh-oh! My chicken jabs really got under their skin. Is this the same one you've already mocked, or is this a new one? Crispy skin. Ooh. No, I don't think so. I was just picking the closest one who is here, so I don't think that's the same one. The closest one has already been mocked.

Oh, great. Yeah, pile it on. Love it. Love it. I'm really getting personal with this one Harvey. She's like, why does she hate me so much? You know why. It's your face, bitch. She screeches out loud, why can't

women support each other? Is this fight going to pass the Bechdel test? Yes. So far, that's a six points of damage. All right. Why does everything have to be about six points of damage? Lord.

Is that your turn, Sarah? Well, Dan, you sound disappointed in what I've done with it. So I would normally say yes, but perhaps instead I will do, I'm going to do one more. Is this Danny down, way down here? Is Danny the farthest away? Danny is deep in the stink cloud surrounded by nine harbors. Oh, sorry.

I'm so sorry. Ronnie. I'm super sorry. Ronnie. Yeah. Ronnie. I'm gonna play a little ditty. Just like a sweet, quick, mournful

liar song for him to give him a bardic inspiration. So that means, since he's surrounded right now, it means he can get, he'll get a D8 to add to an ability check, attack roll, or saving throw. His choice. Cool.

I will make a note that Ronnie's got bardic inspiration because this episode is about to end. I think Blaine might still have one unless he used it. Bunk used his on the stink cloud. Blaine had one from like two episodes ago and we'll have to find out what happens with the stink cloud and the harpies on the next episode

nerd poker i saw them uh uh hi everybody episode seven we are still in harpy heaven we're thorn whipping arm blading we're doing some throat punching. There's shadow walking. Harpies are yelling, screen scraw. We're evading stink clouds, healing wounds, shattering bodies, but respecting their spirits, slashing and damaging. Just some good D&D stuff. And guys, I gotta be honest with you. I had a pretty rough week. I'm not feeling too good. My self-esteem is particularly low.

I'm feeling a bit lost in life. Is it possible, Chris, I could get a motivational, quick motivational speech from the Silver Star? You're feeling low, Sammy. You just don't know if you can pull it off. That's when the Silver Star shoots out of your mouth cutting open your cheeks and jesus there's blood everywhere and you're like why did i summon the silver star you're better but mortally wounded mr star have you heard any of our star wars episodes nope you. There's another John. I like Star Wars.

Thank you. I feel great. Thank you, sir. What about 48 hours? You get in that car. Reggie, shut the fuck up. Is that Serge? He was great.

Holy shit. Brian, I'm going to be in Chicago please put this in your calendars Chicago and surrounding area October 21st and 22nd at the Lincoln Lodge two shows and I would love to have a whole bunch of people turn out for those nights come on by and then

Gainesville Florida October 28th through 30th I'll be at Fest with a bunch of cool bands and funny comedians. You got your Kyle Kinane's, your Brandy Posey's, your Anvon's it'll be a great time.

Brian! Awesome. Tour dates, BrianPersine.com I've got Austin coming up. That's next week. And then San Francisco, Sacramento, Arlington, Virginia.

And then I've got a bunch of comical bullshit coming out very soon. I'll have announcements but also here I've got a book coming in October

with uh Koblish and Jerry and I it's uh our Halloween party thing uh with the character

that we established in our 420 book this guy Scotch McTiernan we're having a total blast writing this guy he's just the

biggest idiot really so fun scotch mctiernan we're having a total a total blast right in this guy he's just the biggest idiot really so fun um blaine what happens next week we attribute the success to save mankind for joining us on this episode you got walls and a roof. Well... On the next episode of Nerd Poker, Blaine says... I would like to apologize to Gary Marshall, the Bosley Estate, ABC, and the entire Happy Days family

for my comments on the previous episode of Nerd Poker. My remarks were legally actionable and morally reprehensible. I apologize and I am sorry if I offended anyone. It was not my intention and I do not represent Nerd Poker or the Nerd Poker environs in a legal sense. Whoops. That's on the another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069

Encino, California 91416. Thanks for listening.