Nerd Poker - The Cavern Campaign - Episode 1

Episode Date: August 18, 2026

We officially meet the new crew, as they gear up for an adventure deep beneath the Underdark, to the Lost City of Blith, where there is an entire civilization's worth of loot, but all who enter are rumored to become cursed with de-evolution. Who will the leader, er, Brian's character be? For 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker. For merch, social media, and more, be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com

Hey, it's Brian Possein. Nerd Poker. We're calling it. The Caverhammed. My friends are here. Chris, Blaine, Ken, engineer Sam, and of course,

our kick-ass DM, Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Passain. You're listening to Nerd Poker. It's episode one. Holy shit of the Cavern campaign. My friends are here. Very excited to get started with our new campaign. We're

zooming for this first one, but we hopefully will get to play live very soon here. My bathroom's done. It's a euphemism. Yay! We can't wait to shit in her house. Oh, you would never shit in that bathroom. It's the master bathroom. Or whatever the As long as it's got a sink, I've got to place to shit. Yeah, Brian, you've got walls in there. Yeah. Yeah, so I can shit on those. Okay, cool.

What is it, Starbucks? There's surfaces. This is Congress? Did I announce everybody? Oh, no. Blaine's here. Hey, hi. Chris is here.

Hi. He already said he was going to shit on my walls. Ken is here. I'm so here. Dan also Enough shredded weed I can hit the And running the show

As always from the cool part of town It's Sam everybody Hi sweet children Hey buddy Dan should we thank some people We should thank folks Thank you so much for joining us once again If you're new to nerd poker

On this first episode of the campaign First of all What happened Second of all thank you so much for coming by And if you head to patreon.com We would be so, so grateful for you to, you can follow us for free, or you can go ahead and subscribe and keep us going. The lights literally kept on by you. And some of the folks that are top two tiers of support are going to get their name shouted out every episode.

And this episode, it's turned to turn to thank time and turn to thank. Michael Noonan. Thanks, Michael. Thank you, Jeremy the Rancor. Thanks, Jay. Thank you, Dilbo District of Columbia. No taxation without representation. Thank you while my guitar gently quees.

Ew, gross. Thank you. Legs got numb because I pooped too long. It happens. Thank you, 9LK. Thank you, Immorten Gurb. Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Panda.

And finally, thank you, the or not to be 52s. Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by? A moldy-lidilum a. Anti-Dialial medicine that gives your anti-diaryl, blushes, flowing diarrhea. Rich, thick, delicious diarrhea, like your mother used to make diarrhea. There's no stopping your aunt's diarrhea with a Moldilm. A.I. Anti-dial medicine. And try a Moldil-A. Uncle diarrhea medicine.

Why should your uncle sit this one out when he could shit this one out the hot truck with the scream of organic soupics, only from the Lai Limogli, where the L.A stands for ads, and the I stands for you. Dan. Thanks, Blaine. Oh, I'm checking the live listenerometer.

We've lost everyone. It was really nice having you. So if you're waking up from blacking out during that commercial, welcome back. Oh, my goodness. I just did a spit tape, Blaine. Holy. Yeah, that was great.

That was spit, right? It was a wrong episode to be drinking iced coffee during, but it was very funny. We are starting a new campaign that we're calling the Havern campaign and I wanted to try something new that it's both new and I think very intuitive. So it'll be fun. Last campaign, we saved a seaside town from a deadly fog that summoned a cause Mac God, there was a lich, and everyone came away. Expert

Heistmasters. They even conquered the Thieves Guild. Those characters will be in a second after I give you sort of the summary, but though they were guided by this rogue who was a half-halfling, half-Loxidon elephant

folk, a tiny little elephant thief named Lil Peepers. Little Peepers had one of the funniest typos I've ever had in his letter to be heroes inviting them to go anyone remember that one can you remember that one what was i don't remember the type of one yeah i don't remember either but i know it was one of those the exact opposite of what you want to say and also filthy and embarrassing um so uh listeners

if you remember do do let folks know on patreon that you remember but uh we are going to take those characters on that character little peepers successfully leaving the heist with a ton of loot and having conquered the thieves guild and you're going to meet up in the del smith thieves guild office that one of you now runs as the head of the thieves guild i am a butt thief i am a butt i'm but a thief is what i meant to be as in a humble self-deprecating i am but a thief but a thief but instead i wrote i am a butt thief which chris tombeen circled low those many months ago well i knew i knew i knew it would come back to haunt you, Dan. It was just a matter of time. The best part was that

made one of you read it. Probably Chris. And, oh, boy. I don't know. I feel like Ken really seized upon it. It was a great day. It's my kind of thing. Right up there with me not being able to remember

what luggage is called as my finest moment. But yeah, you're meeting up in the Thieves Guild with new characters. You go down there and you're assessing your loop, what to sell, what to keep. when Little Peepers lets you in on the next big heist. Little Peepers, of course, speaks like a witty little fellow

and tells all of your previous characters. So I have another big job lined up for you via one of my associates, a fellow, we'll just say thief, but this one involves survival tactics deep underground, farther underground even than the underdark, a bit of spielunking, if you will. So it might not be up to your taste, and it might be a good time to expand your network

and bring in someone you know well, perhaps a sibling, a cousin, a close friend, but someone who you think deserves the loot. This is going to be a very, very dark and creepy mission to find a lost city and to explain it, I have one of my associates who knows more about it showing up. So why don't you all reach out via our network to someone? Why don't you tell us briefly about your,

old characters and who they're calling out to. And if you need a hook, you can very easily just say there's someone that they robbed a bank with in the past. My great uncles were Croatian bank robbers. And let me tell you, we all know one. So you're all rogues though. So maybe you know this person because they are related to you. Maybe you know them because of the heist.

Maybe they're just a close friend from childhood if you really want to do that thing. But that's someone you would reach out to for this job because you know could handle it. A deep cavern thing that might involve caveons, narrow passageways, and constant darkness, slightly different than your jaunt through a town where there were more people. So let's go around the horn and end with our esteemed podmaster Brian. Blaine, who were you and will you be? Well, I was a Cheyenne Spade. I was a rogue detective. I used to solve crimes, investigate stuff for people that would hire me.

Sort of a gum shoe, I guess. But I didn't wear shoes. I just had paws. I'm in tobacco. Yeah, see? So, since I knew we were going in the cave, I had called a friend of mine. Losing a cave.

I'd call him whenever I needed some muscle. His name is Mr. Bites. And we'll have him arrive shortly, and maybe we'll, I already know what he sounds like. and I'm very much looking forward to this. Ken, why don't you tell us a little bit about who you are and who you're reaching out to? I was Shalab, the T-Fleague sorcerer

who ruled terribly whenever he needed to. He was a sorcerer like detectives, and Shalab was, of course, a reference to a television detective. Yes, monk, Shalub, Tony Shalub. Now I will be, I have to look it up. I am Luther. Oh, crap.

I am Luther. Luther, the deep known. And Drieselba. Ooh, a deep note. Leeds. Also known as a... What is it? Sperf...

Spirf. Sperf nebling. Sears. I'm a spurf nebling. And I enjoy the cave wife. And this is just the past associates? Yeah. I...

Shalov busted him once when he was just a young lieutenant shoplifting from a local 7-11. A fantasy 7-Eleven. Slept him on the wrist. Didn't really give him too much trouble. Stealing the fantasy slurpy.

Chris, who were you and who shall you be? I was Twudden the Fay-touched bard He was a level nine Bard, level one sorcerer

Now I am going to be Corbeau who is a Shatter-Kai paladin Yeah Shatter Kai is a very cool species

I'm excited to see what you do with them and for listeners to hear it And can you just one more time just for me, Chris? Tell me Twiddins full name. Full name Twiddun Tit me. Thank you. Ken, are you okay? Brian, remind us who you were and who you shall be.

I was Jophrie Spacoli, and I was a thief or high-el thief. And now I'm a gray dwarf. Yeah, now I'm a gray dwarf. thief named what did we come up with a flint iron fist yeah yeah and I'm

always a fan of Dwergar I'm a little guy but I'm a Dwergar so I can become big if I need to yeah you have constant access to reduce and large as a spell which helps me in caves huge man I only do it for four hours

and you've got to consult a clarin you can shrink to go through small passages or grow to become Brian Pussain. Yeah. I love it. And Dwergar and Deep Gnomes are often seen around each other. I believe deep gnomes, much like Dwergar, are survivors, ancient mineflayer enslavement. And so they have related abilities, I think.

I'm pretty sure. They both have dark gray skin and hang out in the underdark much of the time. And that's going to be a fun aspect of the cavern dwelling theme. I think it's fun that you guys chose those. And Shutter Khyr from the Shadowfell, and I'm going to let Blaine get more into the theme of why his character is perfect for caves. But you gave me a good explanation. So they're all going to be on their way at this point and arrive the next day in the Thieves Guild office

with your old characters to talk about what to barter and what to gift to them. There's going to be an element of fitting into small passages where I'm not going to be a hard-ass about specific encumbrance rules, but I am going to tell you if you've got, say, two gigantic weapons that you're not going to get it through the whole adventure. There will be certain passageways where your character will not be able to bring a lot of stuff in a big backpack,

Unless they have something Blaine Wished you found in the last episode, a bag of holding. For now, unless you have something like that, you're not going to have a way to get a ton of things through the caverns. So you're going to be able to bring your best stuff, some cool stuff. And you also want to keep in mind,

as you're gifting things, your characters are heisters. Successfully, they looted a lot of stuff. You can only attune to three things at a time. So no matter what your situation, if it's an attunable thing, by bringing more than three things, that's either going to be for a teammate or to sell at some point

because you're going to have a limited amount you can attuned to. But I will say that because you're warming up for the adventure, if you possess it, you are preattuned to it. So you can gift it and then you all take a night at the tavern to just repeatedly roll in our candid check automatically without us having to go through it all live. Let's go ahead. and meet your new characters as they show up now.

You are being introduced to an associate of Lil Peeper's, a Drowelph, a gloomstocker ranger who is used to sneaking around and fevering in the underdark. He arrives around the same time as the rest of your new characters and introduces himself to everyone as Durkan Risbank. Durkan Risbank is a very smarmy male drow who seems like he's pretty good with a dual pair of rapiers and robbing people blind in the underdark. He is also a drowl who lives on the surface now, and that is how Little Peepers knows him. He's good at sneaking around and stealing it is from the underdark, but he has long since abandoned Lulf.

as the primary god of the drow and embraced Elis Drey of the green and has pale blue eyes rather than the classic draw red eyes. And in that sense, he's chaotic, good, extremely chaotic, but good, not more than smarmy, not evil, but definitely eager to share this heist with someone because it's going to be quite dangerous. he tells all of you his name again and says well what we're going to be doing is going to the lost city of Bith a long time ago about 300 years ago a caravan of drought was trying to escape laws much like myself i relate to this idea it's hard to get away from the spider goddess and she's a real pain in the urethra So these folks formed a mighty tavern, a cavern caravan, if you will. And that group escaped through the tunnels trying to find a spot to not create like a new underdarker new civilization, but a place where hundreds of survivors could start fresh without a deity hunting their ass.

And they went deeper and deeper through a series of caverns that no longer exist and were lost to time. We're going to go through a different series of smaller passageways to get to this lost city. But the lost city of Bith existed even before this caravan. After going far underneath the underdart, underneath the places where Dwergar, deep gnomes and drow all live, they were shot to discover after miles and miles of cavern, a city that appeared to have been there for thousands of years, an abandoned city, the city with strange fires in a massive underground cavern, very much like the underdark, but deeper, darker, almost as if they had tunneled their way to another plane of existence.

They're not sure who these people were who built the city, but they were all gone. There were no bodies. There was no evidence of what happened to them, but they must have been from another plane of existence. It was so alien their buildings. They spent about a week unpacking, putting all of their belongings, and might I add valuables into the city, discovering there were some old ancient, thousands of years old valuables and a couple of them, just two, went back to the way they came to try to find some of their friends and say, we found it, we found a place to escape to. And they are the only drow of that caravan that were ever seen again. Those caverns collapsed and rumors began to emerge. There was a curse down there.

You should be aware this city did not just collapse its own tunnel, but once you go there, it is rumored you will risk de-evolving. There is something about this city that will cause you to slowly change into a more feral being. It's not necessarily going to be the chain of evolution. that you arose from as a species. It will be something more primal and disturbing, and based on, we'll just call it poor choice-making once you get to the city,

which unfortunately it sounds like most, if not all, of the caravan fell to other than those two travelers who live to tell the tale and pass it down over the centuries. I have my hands on a very simple, roughly scored map that a close associate of mine men, to get from a descendant of the survivors. One of those two survivors did go back down to the Lost City of Bith and try to find out through these narrow passageways, was there something to go back to, discovered the de-evolution process, and quickly left without exploring the Lost City of Bith.

But to tell people, don't go there. I, however, see a theft opportunity and am going to share. That's not a word. Oh, well. Say it again? That's opportunity. All right. No.

See, some of us are a little ruthless with their portmanteaus. I suppose it's not even a portmanteau. It's just, you know, a little bit of wordplay. But you know what? I was laid off from that magazine. So what are you going to do? Yes, we've gathered all of you here. I'm eager to see what you think.

You lay a lot of your loot out on the table. Some of the things we just recently got include gems, tools, poisons and potions, gloves, amulet, bracelet, goggles, clockwork amulet explosion, cloaks. Should we check our own inventory as well? You all have a pretty fat inventory and it's full of gold. but where you're going, gold may be of limited to non-existent value. You're going to be heading down a series of caverns that are guaranteed to encounter civilization, but they're going to be small pockets of rustic underdark folk who do not necessarily have the same

currency exchange. So you're going to be wanting to use your gold to potentially level up and get something new through the guild, if anything. It sounds as though the way you've described it, we should be thinking of ourselves, maybe not strategically, but just in terms of how we're traveling. We're sort of like a fucking Tom Clancy,

like we're like some weird little military group moving in through dangerous targets. So we're all sort of basically like a soldier and a backpack, right? Exactly. In terms of how we're moving. You need to be live. You need to think of yourself kind of like Navy SEALs who are going to be solo for a lot,

a long time, but not solo solo, solo, with a small group. It's just you're going to have to be able to survive. Yeah. So, like, for example, I think Corbeau looking ahead has, like, made sure he has, like, got a 10 days' worth of rations. You know, I assume we'll be able to sort of find food and water while we're there, but as far as anything else, like, do we think we're going to actually interact with a society down there?

Durkin would By the way, is this your character speaking? I guess this would be Twitten. Twiddon? Okay. Well, then I'll answer Twiddon as Durkin, and then I want to have Durkan turn to the rest of your characters and give them a chance to take over the narrative. Durkin would tell Twiton,

yeah, you know, we're probably going to have a very limited access, but the map indicates there will be pockets of folks that we will get to meet or a sentient speak either under common or the common tongue don't know if they'll take gold it as we'll be going through the old

west and encountering small groups of hillbillies so yeah Twyton's like yeah I'm definitely not going to go on this subject I think he would he Twiddle will turn to his

group and be like I don't wish you if I can turn and get rid. I'm happy to sell. Any of it? All of it. Whatever is good for us. It'd be good to send things down that you might want to leave there and exit

with something that's far more valuable. The element of usefulness is going to be number one. Things like cloaks are incredibly easy to just throw on your back. But things like weapons are going to be particularly cumbersome and you want to be careful with what you take. You don't want to take one, but if you take two, it's going to become a problem pretty quickly.

Ranged is not a problem. Like, ranged in melee, I'm not going to make a big deal about it. Like two melee or two range, unless you're a two-handed fighter is going to be tricky. He's going down, Durkin's going down with two rapiers and encourages all of you to, you know,

get what your standard stuff would be, but not to think ahead. He also lets you know, he knows an old, grizzled mage who has access to teleportation circles who will get you as far as the underdark. You're going to be heading to an underdark city where there is a fissure nearby

that you can start traveling downward. So he can get you pretty close to the beginning of the journey without it being a hassle. You're going to be in caves almost right away and you're going to be fitting through tight spots. All right. And the drought city you're going to,

not especially friendly, but you might be able to very briefly go on a little merchant Run, he's just like, I think your thieves guild might be a better source of equipment than where we're going to be passing through. I mean, off the top of Twyton's like off top of my head, I don't really want to give them anything really great at the same time. We're getting a percentage out of this, right? He like he sort of looks like this. Right?

The Fees Guild, I mean, Spicoli, you definitely, you're getting a cut out of this, right? I don't know. I would think so. You're welcome to. You're welcome to. The thing is, it's a matter of like, he'll still have to get contacts to agree, to buy things. There will still be a limited amount of money he can take in.

But if you want Spicoli to become this character, he's just like becoming a kingpin loading up with money. That's, that's... I'm just talking about in terms of... I think Twiddon's very much like, I just want to make money. The fact that we save the city is incidental. All right.

So I'm looking through the stuff. Yeah, I think we give them what? We give them for sure that blast the acorns, the explosive seeds, right? By give them, you mean give your new character as the explosive seeds? Oh, I'm sorry. And then we're talking about like equipping the new team. Yeah, but I want to make sure that we call out that versus selling, like giving to the guild or something just to make sure that we all know. Right, yeah.

I would like to pass along with cartographer's map case to Luther. Like the very hand out areas. It provides, yeah, like notes on a map. Yeah, especially because it's, I mean, we're going to a place that is legendary, but yet completely unknown. Yeah, so I think that will be handy. Can you give us a little bit more of the details in what it says in the description of the map case? Let's see.

Perception reveals map. With shortcut, you use it once prolonged rest. Also, you can find something related to the current situation. Let's see, let me look it up to cartographers. And then also I'm wondering about the capes and the goggles. But we'll get to that. Yeah, I tried to set you guys up, so you had some slunking options in the tinkerers workshop that you robbed at the end of the campaign.

And I really tried to make it so, hey, you're robbing a gnome, you're robbing a tinkerer. They would go underground. I mean, there was even a whole system of how you were going underground in Dells' mess. But things like goggles, cloaks, rings, very easy to just slide onto a character. It's going to be the bigger stuff that's tricky. Can we ask the, you said there's like a crazy old wizard. Can we ask the crazy old wizard to identify the goggles and cloaks?

so we know what we go. Here's the sneaky trick. Yes. However, he is a journey's way away, so you have to decide it to Thieves Guild before meeting him in his isolated mage tower. So you're going to take a little bit of a fun gamble of getting it identified after you commit to it.

I mean, if any one of them turn out to be super valuable, what we want, right? Yeah, so why don't we go kind of like through our unique inventories and call on what we're giving you our new character for sure? and then I think the next order of business Durkin would suggest is you guys talk about what you would like because you're going to have a ton left over no matter what.

There's no way you're going to be able to or even want to take all this stuff. So what would be your wish list after we'd go over what you're passing on. So Chris, you've gone over some of the stuff you want to pass on. Is there any other stuff you want to call out while it may be going on the horn?

Twyton has a potion of speed. He's got he has a bunch of cursed potions that I don't see as advantageous. Mostly poison. They're like assassins equipment. Yeah, cursed potion of Weirchart. Cursed potion of skeleton.

Cursed potion of inside out. I don't see those being helpful. But if somebody thinks different. Other than that, and he's got two potions of healing. So he'll give those and I guess the potion of speed.

he'll give them to Corbeau, but obviously they're up for grabs. Cool, and I'll say those cursed potions when you mention that to Spicoli, Spicoli, you would be like, okay, I think

based off of me talking to my contact at the guild, who's kind of running in and out of the room, there's a hag who might want to buy that stuff, so we could get some money off of that. And we can add more, but I want to kind of just go around the party so everyone has a chance to call things out for listeners.

Blaine's being attacked by a cat at the moment, Ken. What would maybe you be passing on for sure, and what do you think you might want to get rid of? In addition to the map case, I have a hammer of runic focus, which I think my new guy could use. Yeah, it does sound like some advantage and such. Yeah.

Can you actually tell us a little bit more about the hammer of runic focus? I've used that in another camp, or given that to a character in another campaign before and think it's pretty rad. All right, let's lock it up. Hammer of Runeik Focus. Have I had a hammer of Rooney Focus? Spell directed to Janet of Rubbing.

Wait, what? It's spelled directed to Janet of Rubbing. Hammer. Hammer of rubbing. Spell collect is great. From Hitachi. Yeah, aren't you grateful that you have AI to make everything worse, including getting anything spelled right.

Okay, magic camera has three charts. Oh, no, it's not coming up. Here we go. Chat, comment. That doesn't help. I swear I'll find it one day. Can click here for great medical advice.

Oh, yes. Okay. Oh, I just got a bunch of pop-ups. I shouldn't. I cast WebMB. What the hell? It's where you get bad advice in a 30-foot square. All right, there we go.

Magic camera has three charges. As a bonus action, you can expend one charge and slam this hammer on the ground, creating a 15-foot radius circle of glowing rooms centered on the point of impact. While you're inside that area, your hammer glows with matching ruins, and you gain a plus three bonus to attack and damage rolls mid with this hammer. Plus three. Yeah, the run circle disappears after a minute. When you create another one, you dismiss the...

The ruin circle disappears after one minute, when you create another run circle, or when you dismiss the run circle as a bonus action. Hammer regains 1D3 expended charges daily at dawn, so three a day. I mean, plus three is the highest a thing can get in Dean. Yeah. It's like, and they're super... They're like super uncommon.

And it's a bonus to attack and damage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a very, very valuable weapon, and I think your character can use it, right? You don't give a proficiency in that weapon? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I'm a gnome.

Let's see. What class are you? Hang on a second. I'm sorry. Yeah, like 86 maybe? Your class? Get it? Apps.

I don't see your character in the D&D Beyond campaign. Do you have added him yet? I thought I had. Let me see. What do I do to do that? Go hit that link that I texted to everybody and make sure you use that to add him. All right.

You've got an Android phone, so I don't know if you know how to access your texts. I don't even know if you know what texts are. You have a Google phone, which is for murderers. Coming from the shape behind, or the light behind the shape, it looks like a zool is in your refrigerator. Now I'm trying to find the link. How long ago was that? Not a big deal, but we can do it.

We can do it that later. I just want to figure you can use a cool hammer. Blaine, how about you? Is there anything that you want to pass on for sure and get rid of for sure? Well, I've got a potion of superior healing that might come in handy. I'd like to trade that off. I'm not going to really need it where I'm going, which is my office.

I would also like to, there was an amulet of health. I think that might come in handy to my friend this bite. And I also have a blood blade short short short that I don't really use too much. I don't really have that many hit tights that I like to pass along. it doesn't make it very effective for me. So I figured maybe I'll hand it off to Mr. Bytes. Because it might be a nice to have a smaller weapon down there. I don't know if we got into what Mr. Bytes is.

He is a barbarian. Yeah, well, you know, a lot of people share a lot of stuff. I don't know if you're she and a meat. Yeah, he's a barbarian. Like a goddamn woodshipper. I mean, you can definitely use martial weapons, which includes short swords. That's another really powerful weapon.

and passing that on would be very easy that other stuff you could definitely sell. Once we get to Brian, I'm going to say, let's put it all on the table. He'll send it out to your networks and you'll get your cash back.

Anything else you want to go over, Blaine? No, I think that's your fact. Great. Brian. As these other guys, and I want to encourage these other guys to be doing this while I talk to you,

the stuff you said you want to keep, put them in your new character's inventory, jot it down on a little piece a paper if you need to, but then go right into your D&D Beyond Character Sheet and add it to their new inventory. But yeah, Brian, I would love specifically to go over the stuff that Joffrey has and tell listeners and me what you're keeping and what you're getting rid of to sell. Because then what we get to do is we put it all in a tray, you get your money back for what you're selling, and then we can come up with a wish list together and see what the Thieves Guild can

met you to add to your treasure. So, O'Brien, looking at Spicoli's inventory, what do you want to pass on? I don't know what I have. Okay. Well, I can pull Spicoli up. There is some stuff

in the party inventory, too. I want to make sure somebody is going over the party inventory. That's a relatively new feature on D&D Beyond that I love, but can be looked over. Spiccoli's got some good stuff. Spacoli's got great stuff and I'll say, Brian, one thing that you have that's incredibly valuable, but might not be good for this adventure, is the adamantine javelin, which was really handy in a pinch for a fight,

but you're going to be going through some pretty tight situations and I would maybe make that your primary weapon. It could be a really good primary weapon, but it's big and I might be stingy on letting you have things like daggers if you've got this big huge javelin on your back. You know what I mean? Yeah. Even if it's its primary weapon? It's a pretty great... No, I would say, it's like, what is that weight thing in a tag team wrestling match? Like, if one person is really big, the tag team partner has got to be a little smaller.

Like, it would be like, okay, like, if you got a big ass javelin, I'll be stingy about letting you have a second weapon. Yeah, like a second melee or like... Yeah, yeah, you can't have a battle legs for sure. But, yeah, Brian, are you looking at your inventory? Yeah. In just a couple minutes, though, I need to pause. Oh, should we all pause? In just a minute.

Okay, yeah, let's pause for a minute. Okay, cool. Yeah, so we're back. We're back. And yeah, Brian, while we're going through all your stuff, it sounds like the main thing I see in your inventory that is cool and magical and maybe worth passing on is the boots of striding and springing. it's really a matter of do you think your character would use it

or do you want to, could potentially gift it to one of your friends's new characters, but maybe worth selling if you don't want to. Yeah, let's sell that. And then I'm going back and forth on the Edmanteam javelin. What do people think? What's your class? What's your character class? Good question.

What is everyone's? We've got a thief. We've got a barbarian. Yeah, I'm at Steve. Yeah. So we got two roads again, which is fun. I'm a fighter Oh

fighter Yeah I mean I might keep the javelin Just because it's it's one of the most powerful things you guys have in all of your inventory It would be your main weapon But if you want to do Oh go ahead Chris I'm going to go down a tangent that could potentially

I haven't done any of that stuff yet I haven't worked on my ability scores or any of that Right right so you're still kind of like hammering it out But while you are making this choice, I would like to remind you, it's so powerful. I remember that. No, let's keep it. You could keep it, but I just want to throw out there maybe as an example for other people

to think about their own inventories as you're about to sell things. If you have something really powerful, but you want to let your dungeon master pull from their resources to get you something ideal, if you suddenly decide Flint would love to have a magical hammer, like the runic hammer and make it hammer time, an adamantine javelin is worth as much as a pretty incredible hammer that I could get. Yeah, let's do that. That's great. Would you rather do that? Yeah, yeah. I'd rather have something that fits him better. Yeah, and I think you should decide. I mean, hammer, I just sort of pulled out of thin air because you're a dwergar. If there's something you specifically as Brian think would be cool to wield as

Flint, you should make it your choice, you know? No, I love like, um, a big iron camera, yeah. Okay. So it sounds like we've all got stuff to put on the table, and I didn't mean to talk to you out of keeping you out of Mantonian javelin, but you will be able to get a pretty badass. You didn't. No, I think that's a smart idea.

I'm seeing this methylar stone cape. Ooh. Mithril, I believe, right? Or no, it's mithril. You're right. You're right. It's weird. Yeah, and I can't find much about it.

I think we picked it up somewhere. Great. Also, we have a second amulet of health. Does that just give somebody, what is the standard amulative health thing? You know what? You guys don't know what? Constitution score becomes 19. Oh, so it automatically moves.

So it's a super health thing. Does anybody particularly, who's got like the worst health? besides Blake because you already have one. Because there's a constitution. My constitution. Let's see. Mine's kind of low. What is it?

I think I was working on it, but I think it's like 11 or 12. Okay. So he would be a good contestant. Mine's 14. Yeah, mine's 14 too. Okay, so let's give that amulet of health to Iron Rockfish. Flint item.

I'll get it. Great. And so let's go one by one and talk about what you're trading in and what your wish list items are. Let's go back to the top of the horn and say Chris. What are you putting into the trade drawer

and what are you hoping to get back? Into the trade drawer, I couldn't have a ton of stuff, but I'll definitely put in everything else the Bigbee's beneficent bracelet. Let's see. All the tools. The amulet of clockwork, right?

I think we probably want to hang on to the cloaks and the goggles just in the hopes that they're awesome. Oh, there's also gloves of swimming and climbing. Yeah, I don't know if somebody want to hang on to that. Make sure it's in your individual inventories if you pulled it. you can kind of be responsible for it in this trade. But yeah, Chris, you're going to be able to get some pretty good stuff with that. I want to also, as we're starting to do the trades, remind everyone, you have a shitload of gold.

So I will say put all your gold in the party inventory. Whatever you, if you haven't already. I don't think Twiton. Yeah, if you don't, if you have any gold in your character sheet, I can do this for anyone if you want. I've got your character sheets pulled up. But Brian, like, you have 34 gold. Do you want to put that in the party inventory? Sure.

I couldn't hear you. Sure. Yes. Okay, cool, cool. So I'm adding Brian, right now there's nothing in the party inventory. I don't know why I have 5,805 gold in my... Nice. Because you're rich, dude.

Great. Well, do you want to put that in? Yeah. Please, do you want me to do it? Party inventory, I can do that. Yeah, yeah. That'd be great because it's a big number in math. Blaine, Chris, do you want to put anything in the party?

inventory for gold? Yeah, I'm going to add 22 gold. Right. That's what... And can you do that? We're doing me to do it. I'm doing it right now. I don't know how much gold I have. I've never never kept track of it because I'm bad at that. Just like in real life. But you know what? I'm going to put in

the wand of pyrotechnics with four charges. Oh, cool. Give me a second because I want to do this one by one and finish Chris so we can do a thing. Oh, sure. Okay. Just to kind of keep it organized enough for listeners, not because I want to be like a ding-dong. Yeah, it doesn't look like you have any gold. It looks like

maybe we just made Ken the gold bucket for the most part. Yay, gold bucket. Gold bucket. Wow, wow. So what you get to do now, because you have all of Ken's gold in there, is you can say, I would like to borrow this much gold

in addition to what I'm putting in the drawer, and this is what I would like back. Oh, I don't think Corbeau really wants for much. I think he coincidentally character-wise is kind of like what you're talking about in terms of like he travels kind of

light and fully equipped. But he did mention rations. Do you want to get more than 10 days worth of rations for yourself? That's my question. Do we think we're genuinely not going to see people 10 days of time? You'll see some but they might not

take gold. So you can take gold with you but this is a good time to be like, well I'm going to get gold back for my items, but someone better use it. Uh, okay, sure, why not Corboa? Then I'll double. I'll go up to 20 ration. Great. And so you're going to put all that stuff in and that's all you want back other than gold?

I think, I mean, I can't figure out. I'll, we, oh, uh, what's, just, just tell me and I can, I can do it for you, buddy. What was the amount you had? 5805. 5805, great. I'm going to add it. So, 5805 plus the already impressive amount of gold in there, which is,

$500 something, I think we got more in there. Oh, I probably need to read that my bit. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to find where I have it. I've got so many tabs open for your goofballs. 56. You have 56. I thought you had 300 something, but that's still pretty good.

So it's going to bring you to 5861 gold. Nice. You have 5861 gold, and if you don't want anything back other than rations, you're going to add to the pot of gold. Right. That is going to net you back another 720 gold. Love it. So you've now got 6581.

Yeah, it's load up on healing potions for sure. Yeah, I think once we're there, I think get everybody all set. And we're going to need rations and stuff? Yeah. I mean, I initially, before I slimmed down, I was also bringing like iron spikes and a hammer, but I don't know.

So I'm not going to have rope and oil. Yeah, we have rope oil. Is there such a thing as a spolunking gear, Dan? Let me look. I think there is. Because I think going down, we would at least want to be geared up in that way. So if there's some, I don't know,

number for the party that just says, okay, for, I don't know, 2000 gold, everybody is plumped up. However that makes sense. But I feel like knowing that, it would be crazy for us not to have cool, sexy harnesses.

And now you kind of get to see it. Yeah, everyone just wearing leather straps. Yeah, you know, you're going to, I think just basic adventuring gear is going to be enough. I don't see another pack.

I thought there was one in D&D Beyond, but I'm just not looking to right to you. word. Just because we are making a point of doing it at the top, I want to make sure that when we come to Spelunking, we don't fuck ourselves by not having it. What about if we go was sailing?

I will say one of the clothes you have is the only results for the word spilunk and D&Bion. Wow. So. You use that thing, right? Hell yeah. Blaine. Yeah.

What are you putting in the trade drawer and what do you have on your wish list? You have a ton of gold right now, so I really want to encourage you guys to be generous with what you're asking for. Yeah, I just have that that wand of pyrotechnics with three charges now.

Great. And I think that's it. There was a... I don't even remember when I got this. It just says jewelry box in a safe. Must have been when we were going through someone's office or something. I haven't know how much that's worse.

I can get your money back for sure. Sure, sure. What's on your wish list? Is there a weapon or armor maybe? No one's really gone for new armor. And I know Chris has some pre-prepared as a paladin, but do you want any kind of... You know, I have...

I have armor. I have leather armor. And I think that's pretty much it. Just maybe some... Do you want those gloves of climbing and swimming? You know, I can climb pretty well. All right. Kitty cat.

I have gloves and thievery. Hey, can you finally tell us what kind of kitty cat you are? What? I'm a Sabat tooth cat, don't you know? Your cat again. So, so I'm not quite chubes. Yeah, not quite chubacized. Let me put this bug in your ear.

You can get a pretty badass grade X if you want to replace your great great axe with something magical. I would love to. That would be great. Yeah. Other than that, I just want to get some, you know, make sure I have enough fancy feast for down there. But yeah, I'll hook up with as good of a great axe as I can get. Because there's so much gold in the kitty,

that what you're putting in there. The kitty. I will give you a pretty great axe. great great if you borrow money from the kitty in addition to that so if you want you have an insane amount of gold

to pull from and no one else is really eager to use it so you should claim it can I get a plus three anti-matter rifle there's one of those nope that would be a I don't want guns cut it in a previous adventure

I'll tell you what you would get notes back from folks you can get a magic act if like a basic cool magic axe if you borrow an additional 250 gold from the kitty but if you want to borrow a couple of thousand gold you can get something insane i don't want don't do i need something insane would you like something insane you're level 10 how is like a sound gold cock sucking machine What kind of a great axe are we talking about in saying great acts? It would be

it would require attunement, it would have multiple spells usable on it. It would be unique. Okay. Okay. And it would be designed for caves. Oh, well, fuck, yeah. Let's do that. All right.

So I'm going to say we're going to need to borrow a pretty big chunk from the kitty. And you're going to need to borrow $2,200 in addition to the $750,000 you get back to get this hex. Uh, should I do it? Yeah. Yeah, I'll do it. Why not? Go for it. Okay.

It's just hopping on in. Let me see. Sorry. Congratulations, Blaine. You are now the proud owner of an axe of the dwarvish lords. Ooh. I wonder how iron fist flint is going to feel about that. He might like it, but also I think he might like the hammer I found for him.

That's true. The axe of dwarven lords, a young dwarf prince set out to forge a weapon that would be regarded as a symbol of unity among his people. people. It's an artifact. You get plus three to attack, which is what we were just saying is as good as it gets. Oh, my God.

When you attack a creature and roll 20, the axe deals an additional 20 slashing damage on top of the crit damage. Just an automatic 20. Yeah. Is that too much? Is that like

God mode? Fuck that. I mean, you spend money for it. Yes. It's an artifact. You're using a lot of gold for it. It's an artifact. I'm comfortable giving it to, especially if you're being very

humble with what you guys, you're being you're just going to go into this short sort. Well, that's the thing. Now you've used a third of your gold. A unicorn is made a big ice. Is that a dig-sucking machine still available? Who's that guy?

Who's that guy? I was just, I'm sorry to interject, fellas. I know you're mid-game here, but is that dick-sucking machine? Still available? Oh, my God, I blew up my own microphone. I see you're playing some sort of the game. Interesting. Side note.

Dix-suck-y. All right. So that's a great axe or just a battle-ax? Look it up on D&D Beyond as acts of the dwarfish lords. Okay, yeah, it just comes up as a battle-ax. Is there perhaps a jerk-off tube? It is a battle-ax. But you know what?

I'll take it. That's the thing. It's not a great axe, but it's what you're going to get for that money. And I'll put it. It's a link in Zoom right now if you want to grab it that way. Okay, yeah, I just added it and then I will And then I'll just

And yeah, you guys are trading in all your loot This is this is what the process will be for me Is it OPE? Who gives this shit? I'm not going to be funny. So I won't be taking a great idea. You guys are also, you guys are like legendary For using your cool loot

70% of the time. So I feel confident that you will occasionally forget to use your cool X. Oh no. For that kind of money, I'm going to be using it at breakfast. I'm curious if I may acquire a goose egg healing grenade. Is that one of your wish list items? Yes.

So by the way, Blaine, worth mentioning Shortsword and Battleax, you could two-hand if you have the ability to do two-handed fighting. I'll say. Yeah. Who sees a dick-suckab machine when I got the two-hand? You know what else uses two hands? Ken. A big to differ. Break it down for us.

What are you trading in and what are you wishlisting? A grenade. I put in a bunch of gold and then... You did. You could have to go to the other thing. You put in like all the gold. Yeah. The Gooseg Healing grenade is a once per day.

It can be thrown into an unoccupied space up to 40 feet away and release a wave of healing energy. Creatures within a 30-foot radio. from the point the goose egg lands, regain 2D8 plus 4 hit points or 5D8 plus 4 if they were in 10 foot radius. Heels up to six creatures at a time. It has no effect on undead creatures or construct. Once a day.

Once a day. Recharges a gun. Why am I not finding this? Can you paste it in Zoom chat? I don't even see it. Yeah, let me see. Well, it's something that has been working on. I was going to say

I homebrewed something when I look at goose the only thing that comes up in items is stassless bird calls which is like healing let's see oh is it under healing

yeah okay well I mean link it please but I will try searching I'll find I love that you did research under sexual healing sir

the bus stop is outside I'm sorry I'm looking for my new ex-wife I mean my next ex-wife now that's a goal that's a goalboy and the one-shot wonders holiday adventure pack

Ken will you please send me with that link I'm looking for it One-shot wonder is what they called me in high school What the hell yeah I know why I can't find it I just want to verify that I can follow what you're doing when you use it you know what I'm saying yes absolutely have we started recording

not only have we but we got to wrap that episode up so I want to make sure we can get to Brian before we call it plane wins quip lash folks speaking of quip lash I can cover this moment and say Dan, I picked out some of those poisons you had mentioned.

Yeah. I picked Purple Worm poison, stupor poison, Wyvern poison, and the breath of bellif. And you're going to sell the rest of them? Yes, everything else. Okay. So with that, you can add another 175 gold to the kitty. Yeah.

Unfortunately, some of those poisons are pretty great, but they're also expansive. That purple worm poison is, 2000 by itself. Goodness. How much is insurance cover? I mean, up to the first 20 million? It was a deductible on the purple worm poison.

I don't know. I think this is... Oh, I see. Okay, so it's content I don't have access to you. I don't know why I don't have access to this. Because it's a one-shot-winder holiday adventure pack item. Oh. But I just looked up healing on adding to inventory and that came up. Also, maybe that's why it's a goose egg.

It's probably some, like, will you paste the description? Yeah, will you paste the description? Can you add it to your inventory? Yeah, I added it. I just... Great. So I'm going to look, see if I can look at it from there.

I feel like if I am unable to see your character, that is a trick. So if you put... All right, it's in my equipment. There should be. Maybe, maybe, um, there we are. You're in the... campaign now so now I can actually

watch your use it, which is all I really wanted. Okay, added and activated it so. Great, and now I can read all about it. And what a silly fun, valuable item? I will say you can get it, but you're going to have to pull

3,800 gold from the kitty. Wow. And I also have stuff to add to the deal. Okay, what else? So let's see what I got in my inventory that we haven't sold yet. I gotta go back to the show up. I have plus five gloves of fevery.

Okay, that'll definitely be worth something. Should we give those, do we have two robes, though, right? Does that help a robe? Or does that make somebody like a way? Yeah, I have a pretty good bonus to a sleight of hand already. What does the gloves of fever do? Plus five. Oh, my God.

Dude. Don't you want to auto-unlock shit, though? What's your bonus already? Let me see. Think about this. this. There's a certain point where if you have a plus 18 to slide of hand, where you're, as long as you don't roll a one. Be able to do incredible.

True. I do. I have a plus two to slide of hand. So maybe not. Oh, so you don't have that high. So you might want to keep. I thought I did. Oh, no.

This is shall up. Never mind. Hang on. Hold. Please. Got to switch characters again. Luther's sleight of hand check is plus 13. Hang on.

So with the gloves. Plus 18. My side of hand is plus 13, yeah. Would you like a plus 18 your side of hand? It's just going to be an attunement slot. I mean, I think I'm okay with the plus 13. Dude, take a... That way, unless you roll a 1, you're automatically at a 20.

I know, but I want to buy this glove of this egg of healing. My mistake, go for it. So... It'll reduce the... It'll give Brian some gold to use for his purchase. Okay. Maybe we should sell some goggles and... Well, okay, we can figure it out. All right, so, is that all you're going to throw in?

Oh, hang on, I might have more. Yeah, we don't have a ton of time left, so I want to make sure that we get through this. Well, I've got to switch between characters. I'm more talking to our collectives here than you. Yeah, Dan, I've noticed that there's a curse on the acts of the dwarish lords. Oh, whoops. Is that right? It bears a curse that affects any non-dwarf. After seven days, I look like a typical dwarf.

And I kind of don't... I mean, not that I'm against dwarves, but... Their boots are springing and illusionists, brazers. Well, Blaine, here's the trick. You noticed it after you attuned to it. Because I told you guys you're going to auto-atune everything. So I'm going to say you can sell it back. Auto-tune, yeah.

And only take a small, it'll be a small ding to your gold, just because I was trying to fuck with you a little bit. But you don't want to get more, which is fair. Yeah. You want to sell it back and get a different X? Yes, please. Well, fucking with characters is fun, but you shouldn't always do it, folks. Sometimes.

I don't like to be fucked with. Great. No one does, really. I will, uh, I'm just going to try to find. in this. It seemed like a fun idea because you're going to a city that can potentially devolve people. So why not put it in one of the items? But you're smart.

How about this? You know, you can get some gold back and get Gert's great acts. What does that turn me into? Well, it is from, it's a plus one bonus to attack end damage. It's sized for a frost giant, but I would let you use it. It weighs 325 pounds, and it deals 3D12 slashing damage, plus an additional 2D12 if they are human. Huh.

Wow. As an action, you can cast a version of the heat metal spell that deals cold damage instead of fire damage, so that you're freezing their armor. How do you spell Girt? G-U-R-T-A-Postrophe S, great axe and I'll put it in the chat. Okay.

Yeah, let me think about it. Okay. This may end up going into the next episode because this is starting to become a very detailed process and that's okay. But, um, Ken, how are you feeling? You want, you feel like you know what you're telling?

Yeah, I got more stuff to sell. I've got this, this skull wand, this cursed skull wand. and that stone cape again, that Mithler Stone Cape. Are you,

you don't know? I don't know what it does the Mithler Stone Cape. Okay. Do you need me to look it up? Yes, please. I couldn't find it. Yeah, I'm trying to find it as well.

But I do think maybe we should call it and get to this next episode. Because I think we're having a lot of fun of this, but I'll have my guy more fleshed out exactly and like maybe you guys want to you know

um all some of this stuff over like okay maybe the ax Dan tried to give me that was overpowered Are you around to help me work on this guy? In general absolutely

right after this I have to do some other stuff but yeah yeah we'll figure it out for sure we have time yeah I'll play live soon guys so let's figure out our schedule

Yeah, the sooner we can book in advance, the more likely my evenings are free. So I would love to do it without it just, you know, yeah, yeah, we can do this. What do you plug? I would love if you guys checked out my new project, Darkest Wimsy. You can find out more about it at darkest whimsy.com or on YouTube. It's Darkest Wimsy. Y'all are great. Thank you.

Thank you. Anyone else want to plug anything before we get to Brian Posain of Brian Postainter, poker. August 25th, I'll be at Scribble over in Highland Park. Jonah Ray's room. It's always a lot of fun. And I'm getting a blood draw on August 11th. So I stop on by and watch me look the other way

for a couple of minutes while she goes, a little pinch. Okay, you're done. I always thought you were good at Pantles. Yay. I've, well, watch Stuart Fails to Save the Universe, please. We're hoping to hear very soon if we're doing a season two. It looks good, but people are liking the show.

The third episode is out currently. No spoilers, but Will Wheaton and I had a good time shooting that one. So please watch that one. That's one of my favorite episodes for my character. He goes through a lot of cool stuff And it was a lot of fun to shoot Uh Brian's posting dot com for tour dates

I've got GalaxyCon in San Jose California I have not been in San Jose in a long fucking time last time I was there I did the improv and that's like before pot was legal Uh What? Yeah

It was a long time ago Uh So Oh California Jesus Christ, Texas. What is fucking wrong with you guys, man? Get these assholes out of there. Fucking THC should not be fucking illegal in our lifetimes now.

Like, it just shouldn't. And the fact that they fucking kids are going to get busted for having a vape pen and thrown in jail for fucking three years because of a vape pen, fuck you, Texas. Suck my fucking dick. I'm never coming back. I'm never in. So what?

I fucking hate it. Allegedly. Yeah, but at least the wokenest army is being fought by these politicians. So, you know, fuck, man. Anyway, what was I saying? Brianprosain.com. I won't be in Texas. Fuck you, Texas.

Allegedly. Allegedly. We attribute the success saved mankind for us for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well. Oh. Oh, sorry, guys. I was just looking into the nerd poker mailbag.

Dear nerd poker, my cat's been making a funny sound like a... Kind of like a... Any ideas? Wow, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. What, wah, wah, wah, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, wha.

Any ideas? Yeah, probably a timing beller of album is fire. Just keep it off the carpet. How do you spell that? One more cat car and carpet chips on the next. Nerd poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of NerdPoker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker.

And you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P-O-Box 16069, Encino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.