Nerd Poker - The Cavern Campaign - Episode 2

Episode Date: August 25, 2026

The new crew goes over their loot, and realizes that yeah, maybe we barter away the cursed stuff before we plunge deep underground. And if bartering doesn't work, at least scrape the curse off our boots. For 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker. For merch, social media, and more, be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com  

It's Brian Posane, nerd poker. We're calling it the cavern. My friends are here. Chris Blaine, Ken, engineer Sam, and of course our kick-ass DM, Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Passain, and you're listening to Nerd Poker. It's the second episode of, what are we calling it, the Cabern Campaign?

Yeah. And we're live or not live, but we're here. We're at my house. In person. Yes, we're in person. Like four. Yes. They're all here. My friends, Ken is here. Hi, here I am looking right at you. Yep. Your face and stuff. That's so weird. Blaz here. I sure am. What's your shirt? Oh, nice. It's a Ken Daley. It got me a schoing shirt. The Don Martin sound effect. And font. And font. Chris is here. Hi.

Good shirt. Everybody. Eat Vision and Jack over there. Hello. Nice. Dan's here. Hi, Brian. Hey, pal.

He's wearing a Jonah Ray shirt. I'm not, you guys. I'm Mark Rivers. That works. I'm wearing a Mark Summers shirt. And they're running the show from here. the cool part of the table. It's Sam everybody.

Hello, sweet children. Wow. Hi. Good to be in a room with you all. Let's all touch each other. No. Wait. Can you see that every time?

I know. It never feels good. I don't like it. I want to swallow some of you. Oh, listeners. Is ramen watching Bluey or something? Yeah, he is. Yeah, he hates that it's 3D.

Yeah. Bluey. I don't blame him if I could blue him myself. I'd never leave outside. Hey. You wouldn't need to talk about her. One of the things on my Instagram that comes into the feed is dogs watching television. I'm fascinated.

Yeah. Do your dogs see the TV? She does. Yeah. Willie will come in. The good TVs now. Yeah, she'll come in and I'll catch her like watching a dog or watching something. And it's so trippy.

Is it the sound at all? Do you think that's queuing here? I think it could be both, but I think the screens are different now. So they're big. And I feel like not all, but I think a fair amount of dogs are not necessarily vision-based. You know, they're more scent or whatever. So having a huge screen with a dog on it might just be the cure. Yep.

The first time my cat pancake saw me play a video game, she dove at the TV to try to, like, catch the thing that was flying around. I think it was playing Fortnite with my daughters. And, of course, she bounced off the TV and just like went flying. But then every time I turn the TV on, she runs up to me and goes, like she's worried that I'm going to go do it. So she's warning me about the television. Oh, animals are stupid. Yep.

My cat's named pancake care. I love pancakes. Pancake is named pancake because she just sort of like lays on the ground flat, like a giant blob. She pancakes. Remember Rod Buffalo? I do. Yeah.

Or no, what was this other name? Fur pig. Fur pig. Yeah. Are these pets from the past? A friend Eric Goodfield. Yeah. Is it cat the size of a footstool?

Of a hat sock. We would be so wasted. And that thing would get up on this glass coffee table. And we'd get underneath it. Danny Thomas. Like James Brown or Danny Thomas. It was way less gross. It was just a big fat cat way in there underneath it.

But if you're super high, it was awesome. My Knox. I want to get a Maine Coon. Just like a big old TOTeroa. I had one. They're the best guys ever. I had one. Oh, RIP.

Yeah. Did escape? My other cat killed it. Let's talk about something else. Wait a minute. Sorry. That was absolutely. I'm only laughing because I cannot believe that is what I walked in terror.

It's terrifying. Horribleness. Yes. It was thanks in people. The war. Blurt. Telling Brian what the Vore fetish was, five minutes before we recorded this really is going to be a highlight of my week.

Get into V-O-Gy-Gy-E. I still don't understand. Go on Reddit and just search V-O-R-E. No, don't do that. And Lemon Party and Top Girl. Oh, that's old. Yeah. You were saying VOR is from the 70s?

Yeah, VOR has been around. Anyway, someone else walked in your house, so I don't know what we're talking about all of a sudden. I want to thank some of our listeners who support the podcast. Thank you all. If you can, please consider going to patreon.com slash nerd poker and do it through a browser to save yourself a couple of dollars.

Some of our supporters that are top two tiers of supportive usernames like Luke the Husbitron, Jib Jabez Prime. Thank you, Luke. That's a good one. Thanks, randicles. Thank you, WV, French Fried, which of course means West Virginia French Fried.

Or if it's West Virginia, it's freedom fried. Thank you, Numi. Thank you, Bronson Pinchot's above ground pool. Thank you, Megabeth. Thank you, Jim Hollingsworth. Thank you, Morrissey, the Vegan Board. That was one of Blaine's rifts from a couple seasons ago. Thank you, Matt Wines.

Thank you, Kilt Bill. And finally, thank you. Two in the thoughts, one in the prayers. Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by, please? Spores brought to us by Megatonin Melatonin that's so powerful

It'll knock you out With a sniff You need to go to sleep Go the fuck to sleep In bed At work Or Just

Behind the wheel Megatone I would like to take five names off that Patreon list that I just read or hear that have quit the second this episode. Somebody, grabbing. Get that phone away from him. Oh, Dan. Thanks, Blaine. Blaine rehearsed that car horn for like nine minutes before we started recording,

and it's still stalled out on him. Yeah. It's the internet for you. Not for me. What's yours? Is the subreddit for VOR? Yeah. Okay.

Tell us about it. Well, it's a fetish of being eaten and digested, people who are sexually turned on by being eaten and digested. Nerd poker. Pird noker. You guys are in the episode, I like to call episode two of the cavern campaign. You are going to be going deep underground. This is vaguely inspired by the HP Lovecraft short story, the rats in the walls.

Anyway, you guys? No. As one of his more unfortunately shitty racism references in there. Well, it happened. But if you can pay no attention to the name of the cat, it involves a little bit of the underground city situation. You had an undercity in the last campaign, but it was ruins. This is an entire city, not just one little temple that you guys are heading to.

There's a bunch of loot there. It's called the Lost City of Bliss. This was a place you could have gone with the ding-dong danglers. But they're kind of camping out in Delsmith and enjoying the new city. They've kind of set up for themselves. Joffrey Spiccoli now running the Thieves Guild. And you guys are friends of your characters who've been brought in for this job, more spielunk-friendly characters.

And you're being escorted there by Durkan Risbank, a drow gloomstocker ranger. He is going to take you down there, but first you guys are kind of looting up at the Thieves Guild. Joffrey's helping you out. You're kind of trying to use her gold to negotiate stuff. Blaine figured out at the last moment that weapon that he had traded for was cursed. And we kind of left off there. But you have a lot of, excuse me, you have a lot of gold in where you're going.

there will be some people who might want to like trade with you, but you're going to go so far underground beneath the underdark that a lot of those folks who are going to potentially barter with you are not necessarily going to have gold. You've been warned ahead of time. And in fact, it's so far down, you need to not just go to the underdark, but you need to get into a teleportation circle that Durgan is going to be able to hook you guys up with

and this weird old mage is going to like jupe you deep underground. You guys are hanging out at the long table and you're kind of looking at what you need. I know we talked about spulunking stuff as a potential need. I don't want to ignore your curse. I'm checking to see if... Definitely should, yeah.

I'm checking to see if I could get rid of... I don't have that spell currently, but as a pallet and I have... curse kind of things. So let me check and see, if you guys want to talk about something else for a second. Unfortunately, yeah, I don't think this is what you're saying at all,

but just because I feel like this association could be made, you can remove a curse from a being, but not an item. You know, sometimes you can remove a curse from an item, but it would also take the magic out of it. I mean just to just to clarify, since we're talking loot. Would he be considered cursed now that he is the owner of He didn't attune to it.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, okay. That was my concern. No, although some situations, all you have to do is touch it, not this particular. Ooh, all right. Yeah. Well, yeah, let's sell that to some sucker.

Axe dodged. Well, you can all get basic spielinking gear. I'm not going to lie to you guys or fake you guys out, but I would say this is going to depend on your passive insight. Let's find out who has the highest passive insight. Probably not me. I've been 11. I'm 15. 15? I hear of 15. 10, what you got?

I'm pretty sure that beats me. I got to get back to the, oh, it's the wrong character. We got to get you. I got to get me smarter. Is that an insight? Passive insight, yeah. 13. Is that a new one? Is that a Newton? Is that what you're using?

It's my PDA. Yeah, yeah. I wish we could just all have iPads. That would be so helpful. The big, fig, Newton. I mean, using a iPad for D&D is ideal, really. I can't recommend it enough. I got this for $300 and I was like, oh, it's a new laptop. I got one in my car right now. Oh, maybe between episodes.

Yeah, hopefully nobody's listening. Which one, Jim Car comes? Shh, don't tell any. Right out front. To wrap. No. Owry. Listeners, an unintentional physical bit just happened,

courtesy of your host, Brian Fossain. What are you talking about? I don't know. My brain vacated my skull. Buying stuff. So we need to, what's the money amount? Yeah, yeah. So like when you said Spee-Linking gear, I was looking for passive insight.

Because like, depending how high was, I was going to rattle off some basic types of things you could be asking about. Lanterns and glowing things are only going to be necessary if you all didn't all have dark vision. But you all have dark vision if I'm not mistaken. Oh. Yes. Yes. So then maybe we would bring torches, maybe more. like just in case.

Torges are like wieldable fire. They're in like a standard adventuring kit. Some of you, I think, even have cantrip that will cast something like light or dancing lights. But you could find out about magic lanterns. That is a whole thing. Girl friend. Girl, it is a whole thing.

I would say items that help you with stealth could be considered spilling gear, stuff that could keep you from being crushed. That would be like, you know, it's, it's tough to say, but if you have the option with your class of using a shield, that could be helpful in a variety of situations. Of course, modern spielenging cave exploring people don't have shields, but they, they would serve a lot of purposes for getting you through tight spaces. You could throw them ahead of you through tight spaces.

Last episode, I don't know if anybody else you had me remove my shield because you said it was going to be too much. Is that a thing? It's because of the amount of weapons you guys can be able to carry it through tight spaces. You could bring a shield, but it would mean that you couldn't bring two, like, large melee or two ranged weapons. I have one range and one melee. Right. And so I was like, you could either swap the ranged for a shield or. Oh, so it would be one weapon and a shield.

I see. Yeah. And now I'm going to stick with it. All right. Okay. Does that mean more sense now? Oh, yeah. I was just more in terms of like the, I'm giving up the, the caveiness of it.

No, I like the limitation. If it's like a small buckler too, if you're familiar, that's like a, you know, a shield that's going to weigh less. I normally don't look at encumbrance, but I am looking to see how big items are. You could convince me bring two weapons and a shield. But if it's like a big ass kite shield, you couldn't have like a long bow and a great act. Okay, yeah, I mean, as far as... That was the thing in general is size.

Right, with flunking gear. You said it could bring the javelin. Yeah, yeah, it's just going to mean that you only get one other weapon. Oh, so you're going to help me equip that then. Oh, get it in your character sheet. I'll help you out with that, yeah. I wonder if we need like enough rope to connect to each other as well as tie a line. That's super smart.

And then, like, you know, hammer and that kind of thing. I mean, as far as caves, it's like. What you got said. Yeah. It's like, how do we get across uncrossable crevasses? That kind of shit. You're going to have to like climb up and down. You will already have rope.

You can improvise a grappling hook. I think even might even be in the hook. It might be in the pack. Yeah. You should already have one, but you might want to, yeah, investigate other ways you could get across expanses. I only wanted to get more specific about, like, what could you use instead of a grappling hook type of questions if you could beat like an 18. Oh, repurpose stuff. Yeah.

But if you can tell me a certain kind of gear you're looking for, I can help you narrow it down a little bit with a personal insight check. But I'm not going to just throw you. What do you call those things? A back grappler? No. and like if you're trying to climb that brick wall, what would you, when you put a thing into the,

yeah, what say it again? P-time. I think that might be like, in an adventurers pack. Oh, yeah. Let's actually bust that out. Let's look at what's in an inventors pack

that comes with everybody's character. I hope our listeners find this interesting because I actually do. I think people have told us, yeah. Playing the game. So, I mean, in a couple episodes, will be deep in shit, but right now we're kind of making sure we're prepared.

The only gameplay episode stuff I've ever heard complaints about are when I give you guys too much of a hard time climbing up the side of a boat. That I've heard some negative. Or a door was a whole year in my life, I feel like. I mean, we had fun. It was first year of the pandemic was us trying to get a vaccine against the sides of boats. What am I looking up? Pitons or, yeah, just.

Warp your camera. Okay, I'm at a weapon. adventuring gear. Here we are. Yeah, I'm pulling up a character. Peton, five copper pieces. It's weight, a peaton is one quarter pound. So you could say, you could get a bunch of them for very cheap.

Fuckload. Oh, fuckload. Well, then. I say we buy one. It's for gold you can tie in it. When you tie somebody else down when you're climbing together and all that and stuff. Oh, sexy. BDSM.

Well, like harnesses. Harnesses. Yeah. There's something that like, It's easy to clip to each other. Right. Well, here's a climbers kit. Yeah, I had a feeling there must be something like that.

Okay. Special peatons, boot tips, gloves, and a harness. Great. You can use the clamors kit as an action to anchor yourself. When you do, you can't fall more than 25 feet from the point where you anchored yourself. Oh, so that's important for us to call out. Yeah, and you might want to remember that in general, because that's going to help you out. We have a lot of the boots.

This is page 150. of the player's handbook. And you can't climb more than 25 feet away from that point without undoing the anchor. Yeah. Okay. Otherwise, you could get a Martha Mond. A climat, man. So a climber's kit, how much does it cost?

Did you see that plane? 25 gold pieces. So if everybody put, gives 25. I have gold. I have some. I think you have a ton of gold. Yeah, we have a ton. Okay, so let's assume everybody gets a climbers.

I'm just asking someone who has access to the digital party inventory to update that as you buy things. Oh, yeah. Which I think is Ken. Mm-hmm. Because Ken's got his phone out. Can you handle that? Thanks, Sony. Handle, handle it.

Digital party inventory. So pull up your character sheet, and if you go to inventory, there's another tab that's just party inventory. It's a new feature. Oh, okay. Oh, I go. But it allows you to dumb stuff, and I believe you have a shitload of gold in there. Inventory. And then...

So there's also a thing called a Dungeoneers Pack. I mean, see, Party. It has Caltrops, Crowbar, Oil, Rations, Rope, Tinderbox. 456 gold. Somebody should have a Dungeoner's Pack. Well, the only real thing, that Dungeons Pack's pretty close to just like what you guys already have. The only thing is it's got like a combination of Hammer, Crowbar, and... depending on your class

you might come with one right as a fighter Brian you probably have what's called an explorers pack you can pick something else but if you did have that you it comes with a backpack a bedroll mess kit tenderbox tent you know engineers pack it's called do you see that well damn

we're not on to me yet so right no you can come we're all talking about each other when we think of stuff assuming everybody's going to need some kind of so if I'm looking at your inventory right now you don't have anything in there, but we can take care of that. We'll get you the Adventurers pack

that comes with your class. You did level up, though, so you're pretty much... Level up. That's what that. Oh, I wear a silly girl. I think I still have less. So I got the engineer pack.

Yeah, it says you have an explorers pack, Brian. Oh, there you go. Is that different? Does I have... Not much. Do I have petons and crampons and harnesses? You guys have, I think if you're all going to buy, are you all going to buy the pack that's 25 gold each?

So just mark off that 100 gold. Yeah, Climbers kit. Yeah. And have you found out party inventory? Climbers kit or Dungeoner. Oh, I see it. Would you like me to manage your party gold for this? Sure.

Thank you, Dan. Dungeoner's pack has a crowbar and a hammer versus an explorers. an Explorers pack. Okay, so. We can do that. Yeah, we can do that when we're done with shopping. Okay, yeah. But I'm going to mark off 100 gold, so you are each buying that pack.

Everyone got it in your inventory? Yeah, I will add it. This is the Dungeoner's pack or the Explorers? It was one we found before I brought those up. Do you remember, Chris? Which pack? My brain is blanking. Um,

Explorers Pack is probably the universal one because it's 10 versus the Dungeoneers being 12. Again, the difference being... One was 25. Like, someone just said... Oh, that was the climbing thing.

That's the climbers. That's the climbers. So you all have a climbers kid in your return. I'm going to put it on your digital one, Brian. Sorry. Okay. Okay, cool.

Climber. I'm going to buy the Gregory Beck. Oh, brother. You're silly. This doesn't have climbers kit. Oh, God. Blaine, just so you know, they also have a jug or pitcher, and there is also ball bearings. Ooh.

So do with that as you will. Now, I think this came up briefly. If not, I will just say it again. There's demolition. You guys can be looking at explosives. Yeah, we should have some of that. Now, demolition is not just explosives. It is stuff like shields to keep you from being trapped in a cave-in.

Oh. It's stuff that I can't get it. more specific unless you roll an individual insight check. I can just look it out. Oh, okay. If anyone wants to roll an insight check specifically for cave and stuff. What kind of check? I'm sorry?

Insight. Insight check. Crit. Oh, baby. Nice. What's your bonus? I mean, crit's a crit's a crit, but. My insight bonus?

15. Nice. 12. 12, 9. Is that wisdom? Let's see. I will pull up your character. Oh, no.

Insight. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, it's plus two. Oh, great. So you got a 22. Can anyone beat it 22? Fuck no. All right.

Brian, congratulations. I'm going to give you the magic item in addition to the basics. So the basics, I'm not going to give it to you. I'll tell you what you might want to buy. It might cost a lot of gold. But the basics are, make sure you all have a kid with a crowbar in it. If you have any kind of pole, spear, long, like two-handed hammer type of thing, lever thing, that would be even better than a crowbar. The adamantine javelin is going to be very good for KVans.

There is that. There is such a thing as a 10-foot pole. There is. That is an equipable item. It's from Grinch. Also, if there is like any kind of shovel or special shovel. You probably like 10-foot pole, no? Yes.

Somebody should. man I would I would suggest someone at least one person buy a lot of extra rope okay yeah you all come with 50 feet of rope in every because I'm gonna want to hang myself but you're gonna be going down down down down yeah let's get a shit ton of so sure we'll be going down swing I'll do another 50 feet of rope okay I will as well and then uh I will as well 50 feet if each of us carry a hundred feet tech that's enough 10, for us to be all tied to each other and have then a hundred feet of rope to use as a client, you know what I mean?

Sure. I think we're wise to bring more. Yeah, I mean, another 50 feet's only going to cost of gold. Cool, let's do it. So I'll mark that off your inventory. I'm not done given Brian his reward for his high-ass role. Yay.

And weapons, too. I want to weapon up. So I figure out what I'm... Yeah, I mean, the adamanting javelin's going to be really good, but you can do like... What a range weapon does is... Yeah. Or a dwarf fighters. We'll get to the moment, but let me give you the rest of your treats.

Sure. Treats. Any kind of. Have I ever played a dwarf? I kind of. Oh, yeah. And now you're a Dwar guard too. So I love the idea of you squeezing in small places and growing to like push things out of the way.

It'll be fun. Some magic items that might really help you. There is such a thing as a decanter of endless water. Hey. And there is anything, I think you guys already have knock, like you guys have door opening stuff, right? And the legendary immovable rod, if you can get your hands on an immovable rod, it would be very expensive. But that is kind of like, in my opinion. How expensive.

Oh, I mean, look at that up. Grip. I mean, you can look it up too if you're curious. You might beat me to it. Pulling up the dungeon. I mentioned. Magical aliens. We had one of those.

We did. One adventure. I don't get that last time. Found it in like under a statue last time maybe. Ken, how dare you? Or is a family show. I'm a daring young. It was dashing.

It will cost hundreds of gold. I'll just put it that way. This table is where Brynins family break. Our listeners are taking kids to school while they're listening. I hope their kids love to swear I don't know if magic gardens I'm sure they are listeners There's a lot of them in the dungeon master's guide

Yeah okay And if you have D&D Beyond Open You can be searching how much is it Hundreds of gold I'll just say that I have more than 800 Probably not more than 800 But it could be as high as 800

Oh 800 800 might be the ceiling 800 gold You rolled high on your inside I'll answer that question Don't we eight still have a ton of group gold? Yeah, I thought we did. Yeah.

But do you want one? A movable rod. An immovable rod? Yeah. Yeah. Great. It's just going to be a matter of somebody negotiating it via, uh, not just Joffrey Spacoli, but like a letter to the fencing people.

So who wants to roll persuasion check? It says it's free in the thing. Oh, nice. No cost. Nope. You're a liar. Cost. You're a filthy.

Somebody else want to try persuasion. Fucking. I am plus. I have plus seven, but I feel like, could I help him? Could I, like, give him advantage or something? You can give him an advantage if you're... That's what I'll do. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't have a plus. You should do it. Are you sure? And you can have advantage. You can have his help. Awesome. I have a plus, but it's zero. Hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, all right, so I'll make sure that Spicoli is... Spiccoli is technically helping you, but like, that's more just getting you access to a lot of stuff. Okay, so the first one was the 17, which is awesome, because the second is a one. So I'll take the 17. Is that plus seven? Plus, no, I haven't had it yet. Okay, great.

Plus seven. So 24. Nice. You can get one for 100 gold. That's a really high roll. Thank you so much. Nice. That's a little end.

Okay, cool. It's good. According to what I'm reading. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 24. You have a lot of gold. You have an obscene amount of gold. So. So who's carrying the Google?

You should build a data center of all this money. Do you want to have it? You're the dwarf. Yeah. That makes sense to me. You're kind of like, I think of dwarves and gnomes as being sort of natural cave. Yeah. I figured I was, well, I don't want to be the leader, but I figured I'd be kind of the point, man.

Oh, that's kind of the leader. Shut up. I don't be a leader. I feel like between the three of us, whoever ends up being a leader, we'll definitely put you out front. Right? Blame? Sure. And we'll ask you what to do the whole time.

Dan, here's my question. I have answers. I fucked up with the great axe that I did. Right. I gave you a hard time with that. Should I get a great axe or should I get a battle axe? You are a barbarian, so a great axe. You might be one of the only folks who can take a giant webinar and just start murdering it.

I would go for it. Is there any way I could get like a just like an axe with a great axe with a couple of pluses on it? Let's roll another persuasion check for you. Nice. Can we give them an advantage? 19 plus 1. Dirty 20. Filthy, dirty 20.

It's really dirty. Filthy dirty. Yes, it's full of blue cheese olives. Yum. No, they make me really sick. Halapeno stuffed olives. I'll eat them until I throw up. Yeah.

I'll eat blue cheese stuffed jalapeno. Ali blue cheese stuffed olives You put two green olives in a beer And apparently it's supposed to like make it a little saltier And delicious A beer tini? A beer, but they called it a beer toony Dirty beer tini

That color, dirty beer You can do it You can drop a couple of olives in a glass of Clamato And ruin the olives I love Clamato You do? I really do I was probably born in Canada

Guaranteed uncursed Great Act called the Flayer Slayer. Oh, that sounds good. It'll cost you 100 gold. Nicely done. I love that my brain went to like

Eloades Slayer and then you went to say it. I highly recommend using your digital sheet for this as well, but look it up on D&D beyond regardless. Flare Slayer has carvings of decapitated mind flares on its blade.

You gain a plus one bonus to attack and damage rolls. An aberration hit with this great axe takes another 1D12 damage. Oh, against aberration specifically, which is like a mutated monster. Are those mind-flares? I think so, yeah. So it really is like a mind-flare-slayer. Yeah, and if the aberration is currently grappling a creature, the aberration must make this a strength thrower will lose its grapple.

Oh, you're saving people from getting their brains. Uh-huh. It's meant to, like, and there's a lot of monsters down that have, like, tentacles and stuff down in the deep. Uh, the weapon also has a mastery property. Do you have mastery in great axes? I do. All right.

I'm pretty sure I do. Then you also have cleave. If you hit a creature with a melee attack roll using the weapon, you can make a melee attack roll with the weapon against a second creature within five feet. Okay. On a hit, they will take the, All that damage, you just don't through. You just don't add your ability modifier.

Okay. And you can also make it as an extra attack once per turn. Extra attack once per turn. Good gig. Yeah. Jesus. Slayer. Oh, wait.

Hang on, hang on. Yeah. Folks, Blaine's pulling something up. Oh, no. Brian. Brian, you're driving. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Some impression of a wall I said. I'll take 100 gold off. Frangling. Cargo. Okay. I got to be honest, you guys. My little angels. Why would you do this?

Why would not? What would the General Lee say? Have you met, Blaine? It's not a way. A lot of places to go with that one. Oh, listen. Handle it, handle it. Brian, down with those Dwergarz and the underground folk in the underdark,

there is a, there's often a preference for crossbows as opposed to bows because they're a little more compact. Yeah. Does there a sweet magical crossbow line? Let's find out. There's a rope launching crossbow. Oh, wow. What? Yeah, we couldn't shoot it into the wall.

Kind of like Batman. Oh, see if I can find that. I don't know. A grappler? Yeah, I saw it. I think it's called a rope launcher. Holy shit. I just saw it.

I just saw it. I swear. But if we get there and it's just like one pond, we're like, we got all this fucking gear. Roadcaster. Roadcaster. Will you pull that up? My internet's not being good.

All rats. Okay. Why is D&Bion no longer is pulling things up for me? You're using the app or the site? The site. I've had a lot of problems with the app. No, me too. This used to be so good.

It doesn't return my texts. Oh, that sounds weird. You know what? They put a bunch of AI in it and it kind of wrecked everything. I mean, did they? Probably. Sam, do you have any thoughts about AI? Love it.

Pro data science. I'm going to try the app. I love that they're starting to, they're going to start putting watermarks in anything that AI generates so that people can't. There's a bad side to that because AI will know not to train off the waterfront stuff. So it's not going to self-destruct that way. It's already smart.

It's not going to get Kuru from being its own brain. No, it's, it's been learning. bad information and getting worse. Everybody's getting rid of it. And escaping. Yeah. Let's not forget about the Jurassic. Yeah.

You read their recent article about the AI that they train that they built it and they call like a killbox or something. So it's like not connected to the internet, but it figured out a way to get out of its server and on to the mainframe servers of the company.

And was attacking somebody else's AI. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I was hacking another company or something. My cat got out of my car. once. Or a Burger King parking lot.

I don't know how he did it. Yeah. I just feel bad for Haley Joel Oxman. Because he was AI. Brian, winding roll, Perci was about that.

Ed McMahon. Can we give him advantage? Uh, yes. Hey-oh. To give you a such a drunk. You're going to roll with advantage for the webcaster. Greg.

You're rolling with advantage for the repcaster. Greg proofs always had the best line about, at the other one, that he was such a drunk that he needed to constantly have his organs bathed in alcohol. Persuasion. He would shove a bottle of Crown Royal

up his ass and walk on his hands. I mean, you could get one, but it would be expensive. How much? It would be $250 gold. We'll give it to him. I couldn't afford it. Walk on his hands.

I mean, he already, he's getting a ropecaster. It's a little more expensive. but he already volunteered to be out front. Yeah, perfect. All right, that grappling hook. Can I use that to fire weapons too? You fire something on a rope that'll stick into the wall.

Right, but I can't use it as a weapon. Yeah, you can. You absolutely can. Oh, you can be like scorpion. Okay. Get over here. He glows under a black light. He glows under a black light.

He glows under a black light. black black one two words rope caster it hides in your pants in Arizona yeah it does one d6 plus two damage piercing this magic weapon is a favorite among infiltrators its firing mechanism has no string unlike other crossbows instead this weapon can only be loaded with rope as a bonus action you can load a length of rope into the crossbow and when you do individual strands from the rope magically latch onto the weapons limbs and pull the mechanism taught. There's more. This is crazy. You can make a ranged attack with a crossbow to fire the rope at a willing creature or object

within that range that isn't being worn or carried. If it hits, the target takes no damage from the attack, but is bound by the rope. He said willing, right? Yeah, this is willing. It's long enough, it magically wraps around the target in a single loop and securely ties itself

leaving the remaining rope to hang from the knot. If the target is a willing creature, the rope ties itself around the creature's chest or waist as a harness. Hey, harness. Does not restrain them. Hardens me. And it's a DC-10 strength

of dexterity check to release a bound object that you use the Robcaster to wrap around. Nice. So should I also have... Does that make you horny can? A regular crossbow or not game run? I cannot think of what's happening right now. I'm with you.

This is the most cross talk we've had in 100 episodes. That's because we're out here. I know, I love it. But also, I have no idea what's happening right now. My ADHD does just like a mind dump and it's like, oh, anyway. Yeah, you can do damage with it. It's, uh, it maybe is not as much damage as another one, but it's extremely functional.

Yeah, you said 1d6. And also remember, you can throw the javelin. It can be a thrown weapon. Right. So technically it's arranged anime melee weapons. You should load the javelin into the ropecaster and tire rope on it. That would be crazy. You could.

Did I just show something? Maybe dad there's too. You know what I'm going to do, Brian? I'm going to text you the detailed info on this Robcaster. Do you have like all of it handy? Oh, you texted me something about Skah the other day. I haven't responded to that yet. So you also get like an image in your text of what it looks like,

so you can kind of visualize it. I love that. There's creative ways you could combine that with the adamantine javeline. Javelin as well. Javeline. That's his wife. Okay. Still have a lot of...

Fried up, it up. I would say at this point, you guys are starting to get into weapon, weapon, weapon, Speiling, spieland king, spielunking. Does anyone feel left behind? on either a spielunking gear or a weapon. Oh, no armor at some point, too. Oh, yeah, you should get that for sure. I think we're all a level left behind on our acceptance of Jesus Christ because of

I have a crazy hammer. Oh, weapon-wise, I have... I have the battle axe. I have the great axe of the flaya-slayer-slayer. And then what range weapons are you guys going to have? I have a crossbow. Nice. Oh, range weapons?

Yeah. I don't. I have a long bow with a range of poisons. Okay. And then melee, I have the glave of spite. Barbarians generally want to just rush into melee for 90% of their attacking. Okay, cool. Gave of spite.

Yeah, I guess I don't need it. And I have long teeth. It's kind of my range weapons. You also bite bite. That's what I call me, Mr. Bites. Oh, brother. Yeah, so armor when we get you. We can get to it right now.

Do it. So the deal of armor is you cannot use plate without feeling like you're in trouble right away. Chain is going to be very handy. Just want to hear what you want. I just have leather armor. Is that bad? No.

It's just basic. I think Barbarian, sometimes you even get a bonus for not having armor. It just depends on kind of. how you want your character to be. There's some, it's a barbarian thing, but it's like if you don't have armor on, you get plus two to certain things,

but you don't have armor. Yeah. You might not want to wear armor. And then, yeah, as a barbarian, like any class, you might have restrictions. While not wearing armor, my base AC is 17 plus any shield bonus. I'll try and give you guys like a broad thing too

so we don't have to dial down on every little. 17. The most expensive armor for each of you, would be between 1 and 500 gold each, depending on your roll. Okay. So you could just get crazy expensive armor. You would just have to ask me if there's a special aspect to it or if you just want to get really expensive stuff.

Just however. It will be, I mean, I don't know what you want. So if you roll, I'm going to be like, yeah, you're really persuasive for the thing that you made me do for you. I just want to be persuasive. No, you have something we want. Some armor. Okay.

What class are you? I am a deep-known rogue. A rogue? Yeah. So you might want some leather. Sure. Unless you're proficient, are you proficient in medium or heavy armor? Don't know.

Let's check it out. You should find that out before asking me these questions. You're a rogue, so you probably can't go more than medium. Because of just stealth stuff. You're probably a leather boy. Okay, I'm a little. I am a leather boy. Maybe it might be studded.

Studded might be the best version. Can I get the Tom of Finland special? No. I'm going to get the Tom of Maine special. I want a cop hat or vest. So leather hip huggers. So Luther's kind of a badass. Are you going to a bar and police a cat?

All right. So Rogue Armour, mind you roll a persuasion check? He's picture for driving that way. Oh, I like that guy. And roll for Spears. Nice. What am I doing? Hi.

I'm going to just sit and you let me know. and you want me. Yes, weather armor, please. He was for persuasion. Persuasion. You want to get a black? All right. Can we give him advantage?

Yeah. I'll give you an advantage without. That's 15 plus zero. You get to roll up twice, friend. Oh. Silly deuce. That's an 11 plus zero. I'll vote 15.

Yeah, you might want to do that. I apologize. Do you want any kind of world? Do you want a specialty for this? Armored, you just, you're thinking dark. You just want it to be dark. Dark stuffy, easy to move in.

Okay. For leather, that would be an interesting challenge. What? In terms of being a very movable. You know, they could, you want something that's like, for like sneaky, for like sneaky murderous rogues, or do you want something that's, like, functional for your environment, something that's got resistance to it?

Got to give me something. Resistance? Okay. The one of the 15, I can get you resistance to acid, fire, or force. And force would be good. And it would be really decent. It would be like armor of force resistance. Okay.

The leather would be 300 gold and the studded leather would be 500 gold. I mean, I think I have to go with studded that's fine. We'll just have ramen for a while. So add studded leather, armor of force resistance, and I will take 500 gold out of the group inventory. Which is very good. The thing is I want you guys to spend it.

It's going to feel insane for a little bit as you spend all of it. But you've already spent about 40% of all that giant pile of gold, so you're using it. What about the rest of you for armor? Before we call the episode, it'd be cool to go around the table and make sure everyone feels, this isn't so much for blame, but... One to 801 wearing light, medium, or heavy armor. All right.

So, I would say... Or a fighter. With a fighter, I'm willing real an insight check, Brian. this is not an advantage thing you're thinking about armor I can't wait to make my figure it'll be fine we're going to get some made everybody

16 18 nice you want like mithril chain armor okay so that'll be a persuasion check and you can roll it to advantage we're just giving that to everybody because you got Spicoli

you got your friends helping you negotiate this persuasion. Yeah, so roll twice for, I mean, if you want, but first roll was a 14. Do you know what I saw about my unarmored defense? I can get that for 200 gold. You can get it. Nice.

I'll put that in your character sheet. When I'm not wearing any armor, my armor class is 10 plus my dexterity modifier, which is three, plus my constitution. which is eight I'll give you one second I got I got a one going on here I understand guitar talk I asked you in a silent question earlier do you you don't have a Gibson 335 I do not I had an epiphone dot for a while which is the same same thing yeah cool after seeing rush life they're good they're really good his tell

I mean, it's legendary. But anyway, if any Rush fans were thinking about going to see Rush and haven't pulled the trigger yet, like, if you even only kind of sort of like Rush, and although that's such a weird concept to me, fucking pull the trigger. It was. I love Rush. And I never saw it. Like so. What if you went to kindergarten with Rush, but you're not saying? of a sense. Yeah, they're not going to remember you.

17 AC. You have a 17. Okay. They have that new drummer, a badass. She was terrific. Yeah. That's great. So, Blaine, I want to do you last because we're going to see if you can get some kind of clothing that's nice. That way to give you some sort of boost. But it exists.

It's just not going to be as powerful as armor. Oh, did you hear what I just said about my armor? No. I thought I did, but I guess. not. My my unarmored unarmored defense,

when I'm not wearing any armor, my armor class equals... I did hear you say that. 10 plus my dexterity modifier. I'm speaking to that. Yeah, which is three. So I'm telling you is you don't want armor, you want clothing,

but they make clothing that has a bonus much like armor has a bonus. Oh, okay. It's just not going to raise your AC as much. It's like his chain is going to raise his AC. Okay. Yeah, mine would be unarmored on 21. Okay.

But we'll get to you less because it's a little different for someone to hit Chris. I should do it, do it. I had picked out ahead of time the plate of Knights Fellowship. Oh, shit. Let me look this up. I feel like you texted me about it. This gleaming set of silver and gold plate armor never tarnishes.

While wearing this armor, you can use a bonus action to summon the spirit of a warrior to your aid. It is uncommon. That's what I picked for both the weapon and the arms. We're just on common. Okay. Can you roll a persuasion check? I would love to. May I roll with advantage?

Yes, you may. First one, the 14. I'll take the 14. And then with my bonus, 721. Wow. Okay. Keep in mind, it's plate, so it will have some drawbacks. Yeah, I'm not trying to trick you.

I'm clanky. The upside of plate is you're less likely to get crushed. The downside is you'll be clanky and have disadvantage on stealth checks. but yeah, 250 gold. Sweet, I'll pay it. Please put that in your inventory. Thank you. Blaine, what would you potentially like your clothing to help you do?

Have you looked at the different barbarian outfit type stuff that might give you bonuses? No, you know, I always sort of pictured myself as a saber-tooth tiger with sort of Chewbacca bandoliers. Oh, fun. Cool. little Zardaz maybe. Yeah.

Or I wear one of those cat costumes around my neck that makes it look like I have a little body. So it looks like I'm, you know, like holding a like a telephone and I have a business suit on or something like I'm an executive. But you're actually a giant murderer. I'm a giant murdering cat. So I'm 99% sure there's bandoliers and D&D Beyond. I'm just pulling that up right now. But we'll homebrew you something if that's what you're. really want. And I have a, uh, I have that amulet of health and I'm going to wear that on a little collar.

Oh, nice. And so I'll have, also have like a little, uh, a little tag with my name on it. And on the back is a phone number of the party in case I get lost. I'm also going to get chipped. You're seeing a little dog wearing a chunky costume. Yeah. Yeah, they're great. Cute. When it's coming at you with that little stuffed axe, and I'd buy them kill me. with smooches he's easy bitchy boo how's the show the chucky show

did anyone watch that great I like that show oh yeah was it it's really really good it's the same guy how many seasons three I think they did a few

I remember starting it and I never finished it I'll get back in yeah it's very much the one I was disappointed that it stopped was the evil dead series

well yeah that was fine yeah That's true. What about the new movie? I haven't seen it. I heard, I have people love the last one.

I like the last one. I like the last one. It wasn't funny, but it was good. It was almost funny. It still had the spirit. Yeah. This one, not so much. Oh, I haven't heard anything great about it.

For the listener, Ken was making a sour lemon face. Yes. Lemon party. There's a really, there's a really cheap bandolier you can get. If you just want the shoe dist bandolier or leather bandolier that holds, uh,

repeating crossbow magazines would cost 10 gold. Nice. Also, for a lot more gold, you get the bandolier of the elements. This cross-dress bandolier has six magic daggers sheathed across it. When you take the attack action while wearing a bandolier, you can use a bonus action to throw one of the daggers, range attack, provide you have an open hand. And when you hit the target, roll a D6 and consult the elemental table

and see what kind of additional damage it does. A dagger vanishes if you don't hurl it right away and immediately reappears on the bandelier. Oh. Uh-huh. How much does that cost? It would depend on your checkbook hundreds of gold. It's a wondrous item. That's wondrous.

It's in D&D Beyond. It is from the same expansion that Ropecaster comes from. It's from, what is it, Griffin Saddlebag? Griffin's Saddlebag, Book 1 and 2. I'm going to circle back, Blaine, just so you know, a jugger pitcher costs two copper, and a bag of 1,000 ball bearings costs one gold to see you now. What was that? I just told Blaine, I was saying,

would have Blaine walked around with a jug full of ball bearings? One thing I know about cats is if they were super balls. Oh, you have to talk to the Parker brothers over there. I'm going to put a cucumber behind you. Why to help me jump 100 feet straight up in the air? And tape you in a tape square on the floor. All right. What do you feel about the vandalier situation?

Yeah, if I could get one, I'll try. Let's roll a persuasion check. 14. You can do it with advantage. Everyone's been rolling with advantage because you got Spicoli and friends helping you with the negotiation. 15.

Right. You could get that basic bandolier for shooters if you get a crossbow for, yeah, 10 gold. Or you could get the other one, the bandolier of the elements, for 200 gold. I'll do 200 gold. Bandolier of the elements. Yes.

And I'll take 200 gold out of the kitty. Meow. Kitty for the kitty. Meow, meow. You have a little over 3,000 gold. And as you make this purchase, Spikoli, you get word that you have a lead on a bag of holding. Oh! And we'll have to see if you negotiate for it on the next episode of Nerf Poker.

I feel like you guys have pretty much all you would want. Yeah, man. This is going to be an expensive negotiation. Anything you want to play? I would love if y'all checked out the project. I have Darkest Whimsie. It's a lot of fun. Hopefully I can get these guys on the show at some point.

We just had Jackie Cation on the upcoming episode. That'll be fun. We had Samantha Bayard who played Carlach and the Baldr's Gate game. And yeah, thanks. I've got some cool shit coming up. I've got GalaxyCon in San Jose, August. 20-30. Yeah, yeah, that sounds right.

And then September 26th, I believe, I'm at the Ventura Theater in Ventura, California. That's a nice one. J.T. is going to come out here, J.T. Habersat, pick them up at Burbank and drive it out to Ventura. It's one show, one night only, Ventura Theater. The 26th, come to that. I've got Montana in Seattle coming up. Mostly theaters, not a lot of comedy clubs. Well, no comedy clubs booked for the next six months.

And then I'm going back to Stewart very soon. But stay tuned for other tour dates. We attribute the success. Save mankind for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Oh, sorry, I was just checking out the Nerd Poker Mailbag. Dear NerdPoker, hey, I was wondering if you could keep an eye on my cats. I have to go to Vegas for the weekend for a business thing.

And I was, I mean, if you could just like, I have the key, I can drop it off under your mat on the way out. I gotta go to the airport. It's coming up. I'll be right out. So if you could, I'm gonna leave the key under the mat. If you could just come over and swing by, I have two cats. Just make sure they don't throw up on the bed.

And there's, I have a list of all the stuff that's out front. Like all the food, there's some water. Just make sure I have the boxes are changed. You don't have to worry about the boxes or anything like that. So if you could just like, just keep it, eye on. Jesus, I'll be right out. So anyway, if you could do that, that would be

awesome. Do you think you could do that for me? No. We'll find out why on the next nerd poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker, and you get bonus episodes from there.

And you can also send us anything at P-O-box-16069 Encino, California, 911. Thanks for listening.