Nerd Poker - The Cavern Campaign - Episode 8

Episode Date: October 6, 2026

We know what you were thinking- much like the priest at dinner in Dead Alive- "What? No PUDDING?" Well, here's your pudding fight, which we set up in about the most disgusting and weird way in out podcast's history of fights. For 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker. For merch, social media, and more, be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com

It's Brian Possein. Nerd Poker. We're calling it. The Cavern. My friends are here. Chris, Blaine, Ken, engineer Sam, and of course our kick-ass DM, Dan Telfer.

Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Pussain. You're listening to Nerd Poker. We're actually in my house recording episode 8 of the cavern campaign. And my friends are here because we're playing in person in my actual, I guess it's a dining room. Your lover's room.

Didn't you say that? It's a D&D room. It's a dining room. D&D room like twice a year. Anyway, Ken's here. Dinner. Yeah. What's the other D?

for don't tell me Ken is here and Chris is also here hi Brian hey buddy I fucking Adam Hilltown Wow that's fun It happened in front of me Chris that's not Ken Chris is Chris

Good Lord We're not going to start over Blaine's here Hey it's me Chris Had a stroke again Hey Chris Good to have you you. Have you met Ken?

Ken's great. Don't spit water out, Ken. Sorry. Are we going to play dinner and dragons? What's happening? Smote more pot, Brian. Damn, is here. I was doing a bit now.

Yeah, yeah. No, I wasn't even that time. I was just doing a bit. Community timing is the thing. I bet my eyelashes out while he stared at me. of master comedic timing and physical comedy. The edge of the table is shiny where you do your elbow. Listeners, it's happening. And the running the show from the cool part of town, as always,

or the cool part of my table, it's Kent, everybody. Hello, sweet Kendron. Oh, damn it. It's going to be like when I ordered ketchup with J.T. Haberset. and he still gives me shit about it over tacos. Well, I didn't order it. There was ketchup there, and I thought that couldn't possibly be ketchup in a red bottle.

That's going to be taco sauce. It wasn't. I still get shit. It was tacos. It was terrible. Oh, sorry. Don't put ketchup on your tacos. You fucking gringoes.

Isn't that by that guy that did the, Don't let the pigeon drive a Batmobile? Sorry. Chris. Hi. Chris. Hi. Let's thank some people.

Okay. Sam already left. Sam went home. Sam was like, why am I doing this still? Or is he putting a special antenna on the roof to broadcast live? Tonight one viewer will be brought here electronically. He's like on an old-timey phone on the roof and he's like, boss, you got to listen to this. He holds a phone up to the antenna.

This guy can't get nothing right. It's cranking it like radar. All right. Well, thank you everybody who listens to our show. Thank you if you're supporting us on Patreon. We very much support you as a supporter by saying we love you. And if you're at our top two tiers of support, we give you a little shout out. And you have usernames like Ken.

Thank you, Ken. Thank you, Ken. Thank you, Ken. Thank you. says, 10. All right. It's another sewer rat joke.

Thank you, Ken. Please. All right. Thank you to our users at our hey boss and our star goy old tears. They have usernames like some call me Tim,

also skunk cock, a story for another time. I mean, hopefully not. I feel like you can go ahead and sit on that one, literally. Oh, no. Thank you, Critter DJ. Thank you, Devona Upu Rock.

Thank you, Dr. Wienertitz, McGee, Esquire. Sure. Thank you, Wart Hog. Thank you, Scott Parker. Thank you, Hayden. Thank you. God, I've never gotten this right. Thank you.

Apriarix. That's the closest I've ever gotten. Thank you, Big Angry NPC. Thank you, rolling on Molly with Friar Jolly. And finally, thank you, Blaine's faraway shouting with a funny voice, mic, transform your tags, Blaine's far away shouting with a funny voice mic. With strange sounding names.

Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by. Blah, Blay! It's that time of the season! At Giant Ween headquarters, we have your costume. Thanos with a boner. Mitch McConnell with a boner. Taylor Swift with a boner.

Bluey with a boulder. Blah. The marvelous Mrs. Nasal with the boner. Guy Gardner with the green bowler. Ooh. Luigi Manzio, you get it. You name it. We've got it and it's got a boner.

Blah, blay. Only a giant wean headquarters. Oh, Blay. Ken? Thanks, Ken. I'm so glad they're our sponsor again. Every Halloween. Every place is turning into a giant wean headquarters.

Bela LaGo see them at their storefront. Thanks, Ken. All right. Well, it's time to talk about what happened last time on Ken. Our heroes are going... Look what you did. Our heroes are going deep underground to the Lost City of Bith, where someone called the Toymaker is de-evolutionizing people who try to visit.

Is there a curse, or is he doing it himself? It's not entirely clear because no one comes back as themselves. You guys killed an ogre that would... grabbing strays and shoving them down his gullet and eventually made your way to a little town full of dwarfs, a dwerg our town called Borgre, where, I guess, Brian's character sort of knows the blacksmith. Not really. Not so much, he rolled too high for it to have a good result. That makes sense. You also visited the tavern. The Flat and Sle-Southful. State, that's America, folks.

You visited the Flatten Slate Tavern and Inn, where Boris the Tavern Keep offered you one diamond per cask. There are five casks of alcohol that never made the way to the Tavern and Inn, and you thought you could use some of the local more underground currency. So you thought, why not give it a shot? And wouldn't you know what Ken's character wiggled his way? After everyone wiggled their way through some tunnels, and you found the casks guarded by a black pudding. Everyone's regrouping in a nearby tunnel, and someone's vibrating phone sounded very much like a fart. Or was it the other way around? Let's go around.

Is it a new campaign? Let's go around and remind everybody what your characters are. Brian, talk about your character for a second. They're hanging out talking about casks and whether there were. worth a diamond. He's a dwarf fighter, a Dwargar. And

his name is Flint Iron Fist. He's about yay big. He held his hand up very low, folks. But he's pretty strong and pretty agile for his size. Big red beard? Yeah.

Excited to enlarge or reduce. Yes. A Dwergar special team. So, turn invisible watch him. I can't wait to watch or not watch

yeah. Can try to watch them. Tell us a little bit about yourself. I'm a deep gnome rogue named Luther

and I'm very sneaky and I'm into leather. Oh my. Ken. Rob Halford. And hammering. Yeah, yeah. Held it.

Held it for Luther. I love that. Chris. Also, we've finally got our minis from HeroForge. Thank you so much. Yes, thank you, General Forge. We'll actually have some... We'll have ads and stuff.

Well, of NPCs as well soon enough. Right now, we do have our draw. But Chris, you're in, you're a, not NBC, your PC miniature towers over the rest of the party. I had no idea this was coming. I mean, I guess it makes sense. It makes, yeah, everybody else is, well, although... Mine is so diminutive. Yeah, all the, all the other.

party members, I guess, are either dwarves or nooms, essentially. Well, we have a gnome, a tabaxia, a dwarf, and a drow. But you are much taller than the drow. Yeah. He's a big, because, yeah, I think the idea with the Shatter Kai is that they were elves, but then they kind of got twisted and warped. And so I think he's very skinny, but also this very big, like sort of white elf wrapped in shadows. I know how I feel.

Oh. The Brian Pussain story. White elf wrapped in shadows. And of course, last but not least, we have our tabxy friend played by Blaine. Blaine, tell us about your hero. I'm a taber to a tabbyxia. I'm a barbarian. My mom called me smiling, Don, but you can call me Mr. Bites.

Which way would you exit if you had to leave quick? Probably through the employee entrance. Yeah, okay. But you'll call that out, though, before it happens. I will. Okay, good. Headsen employee. Entress.

It's funny when you make that laugh noise, unlike TikTok, where every time I hear that noise, I want to dash my brains upon the pavement. When there's like a funny TikTok and they add that, like you don't know to laugh. It's like a laugh track. It's like, heads up. You should be making this noise. It's so bad. It's like a sign that the end times are nigh.

I wasn't doing it a purpose. I have a lung infection. Oh, no. Oh, my God, Blaine, that sounds really serious. Yeah, I inhaled some, well, I don't want to get into it. I think we should get into it. Your draw friend is Durkin wrist banking. He is hanging out.

I told you about his mini. It has a wrong name on the bottom because I used another dry with his model. But here is the map. of the area you're in which we can post pudding to our social media. I've also texted it to everybody if you want to go scroll back. Looks like that.

But right now, you're in a room with some water trickling past. There is some cart wreckage. If you were to go back the way you came, it would take a little while, but you could eventually get to the underground road that to your right would have a cave into your left would have the Dwerg,

where the Dwerg, if you just wiggle down a short little tunnel, you'll see some skeletons, The Merchants, the merchants, who were stripped clean of meat when they lost their casks to the pudding. And the pudding is just sort of resting there, knowing that these casks are a prize at one, but very little else because it's very stupid. It's a pudding. And we know that they're aware that puddings are bad. And you identified it and via a role.

And so you're confident you know about what you're dealing with and that it's not a great situation to have one in a tight space. That's kind of where we left it. Oh. I wish we could flush it out. It's a bit of a puzzle. Well? You could probably flush it out somehow. I'm not going to tell you how,

because I don't have like a solution lined up, but there's plenty of ways you could flush it out. Just whether it succeed is a whole thing. I mean, what if we lit it on fire? Yeah, can't we just throw some oil on it and light it up? I'm not against that idea. Yeah. I wonder though if we want to make sure we are not

where we are will determine what happens. If we set it on fire and we're standing in front of the exit, it's not... Can everyone roll an insight check to see if that's a good idea? I'll tell you something special if you get 18 or higher. Oh, that's a percent of high.

That's not... Ten! Eleven. Oh, terrible. The natural one. Dobley. What you got, Brian? I think it's a lot.

My eyes are fucking up. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a three, unfortunately. Yeah, okay. Plus your bonus, but... The two. Yeah. You can't add anything to that.

Fantastic. Well, let's... Maybe we should back out the way we, like... Draw it out, maybe? Yeah, let's kind of all position ourselves between it and get ready to bolt up a, oh. So like, are this the casks? Yeah, those dye that I put there,

those dice that I put there, are meant to represent the casks. So you guys could be kind of here. This is like, we might burn the casks. Yeah. So perhaps fire is a last resort. Here, putty, putty, putty, putty.

Here, putty, putty. If we launch attacks from a distance, it's, it, It has to come out to get us. That's not out, great. That's out to get us. We, I don't know, sort of do a military retreat, like still engaging it, but moving it, hopefully engaging it.

At some point, it's going to choose not to follow us. Is there a, could we put a torch on the end of a quarterstaff or something? Does anybody have a call? Why doesn't everyone do a nature check to see? keeping come up with a good lure. I won't tell you what a good lure is, but if you get a 15, I'll tell you one element you could add to a lure, and if you get a 20 or higher, I'll give you a second element.

19 plus 120. 13 plus 5, 24. Yeah. Nice. I got 10. That's half of what I need it. You're half full, friend. You're right.

All right. Well, this is going to go to Corbeau, and Mr. Bites, you think that based off of your knowledge of these things, they're completely mindless. It's so dumb, it's barely a creature, right? Like, it could have been something that just formed. Yes, like a slime rather than a creature that, like, spawned. Black Pudding. Oh, right there. Yeah, and you can sort of imagine this, like, this little tunnel connecting those two areas. Not from where you're at, but you know it's in there because Ken went in there. And, uh, The debate ingredients I wanted to give you guys, one, you need something organic.

It's pretty easy to please. I don't think you could kill it. Well, let me get to this first. Why did I just go invisible and go in and kill it? I mean, it's... Well, can it just detect, it can detect your heat or your body or whatever? Well, it's, so it detects just through nearby sensory perception. And so if you get some, like, something.

fragrant, it's going to increase the radius of the bait, right? But organic. It doesn't have to be meat. It could be slowly, like, sucking on these casks just because they're made of wood, right? So if you get something fragrant that could lure it out, that would be good. The second ingredient that's give you is you want whatever's attached to your bait to be extremely durable because it is naturally corrosive. And so not only could the bait, but get eaten quick if you let it touch the bait. You want to kind of like dangle it out of its reach, but if it touches the rope or whatever you're using,

like plain rope would dissolve pretty quickly. That being said, like a fragrant piece of meat and a rope could potentially do the trick. Those are just the dangers. I have rations. Use like a chain maybe. Can I throw a poop at it? I have a number of poisons.

Ken, will you please roll an insight check to see if it would be attracted to poop. Yeah. I mean, I think it would be. We have biological material. What page of the Monster Manual is this? It's what you said?

Uh-huh. That's a 15. Have you ever bonus that or is that the end result? That is my bonus. Do you feel like there is a reasonable chance that it likes poop even more than rations? I mean, I would assume I'm going to poop in my hand. I think we're all on the same page with that one. Right.

I'm throwing some poop like in front of here. I mean, you are a cat. You're probably eating your. poops. I like the notion that we're sort of standing there, kind of like, and all of a sudden, Ken, I guess, reaches into his pants. And hoist on some poof.

He's like, I got this. You know, it's been a while since we did something this dumb, and so I just wanted to make sure that Ken knew I took him seriously. I was a tribute to Tenacious G. Allen. And G. G. Allen.

Dejus D and G. G. He's going on to our German listeners. Or are even Luchamp. Oh, the shit, Bailey and... Oh, yeah. Dirty sanchise. Pants pudding. Yeah.

Pants pudding and the black pudding. Oh, okay. All pudding. Your pudding for the black pudding. I don't think I need to tie a rope to it or anything. We'll just try to draw it out. I can always throw more food. I can throw more food.

I can throw more food. It will be curious as to the source of its delicious meal. Right? Isn't that what we're doing? I will say there is a little. a naturally running like cave creek here. So you have like a natural day to use. Terrific.

Oh, I can wash my hand. I can wash my hands before I'm going to like a, that was the big concern. Chuck wagon triangle. Ding-a-digg-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-a-d-d-d-hug-chug-a-d-tig-hig-hig-hug-h. It's on. Oh, boy.

So you told me that this is an idea. I'm not going to finish this idea. No, I'm doing it. I'm not waiting for these guys. You got to explain what you're doing. I'm pooping into my hand. I'm throwing it. Throwing it.

Throwing it. It looks like exactly. You're throwing it. It's a nice solid, beautiful poop. It's not, there's nothing runny or anything. Why don't you roll? Oh, no. Don't do it.

You're like a wombat. It's a cube. A straight constitution check to make a nice healthy poop. God damn, I hate this game. Roll the poop. You loved it a minute ago. What class are you? Brian, it would be such a lost opportunity if I didn't see this as a roll.

Oh. I don't know. botched? He botched. I botched my poop roll. Again, don't do this. I don't do this for ability check. I'm going to do my bads for real.

I don't do that for sure. He rolls most of the time, but because this is so magic of an occasion, please roll a D-100. No. Here's the thing. I'm not going to use the damage botch table. So it's just, it's just,

it's just the difficult. It's just the difficult. I'm a Higgen 94 of the players from book. I don't see this list. And kind of like not holding together. Don't tell me the number. Okay. It's just kind of like loose and not well formed.

If it's between a one and a 33. Let's check their personal scale. If it's between. Guy Gex is rolling over and is. If it's between it, I know you don't want to hear this, but I have to say it with our listeners is able to hear it.

Wait, do you? So if you can just pause the cross talk while I describe shit viscosity. If it's between a 34, and a 75, it is just like pure diarrhea. Like it just, it comes out like, like uncut. But it's just really wet. Like it's sweet diarrhea.

I don't think we need to get into it. Your hands get covered in it. And if it's 76 or higher, it is diarrhea and it makes you sick and you get the poisoned condition because you push too hard and you gave yourself a burst hemorrhide. Oh, no. Jesus Christ. What did you roll? 37.

Okay. So, it's diarrhea. My plan didn't work out of anybody else. Cha, cha, cha. I mean, you want. Now, to be fair, you have hands full of diarrhea. I'm just saying.

Just throw it at the pudding. You're sliding in the first. Yeah, I might as well just throw it. since I got it. So you walk up to the tunnel. There is a 90 degree turn. So you're going to, a couple of 90 degree turns, you're going to have to wiggle down the tunnel.

So you do. I'm quite light. Yeah, and you're small. And I'm going to have you roll. So you get within throwing range first to a perception check. All right. You're going to throw your diarrhea? You guys just see him wiggle them with his hands.

You want me to spit it out of him? His hands full of just wet. Hey, man. We're taking those lemons. We're making lemon. Just a hot plasma turd in his palms. Sorry, what check I made with? Fuck, who knows?

Perception. Are you kidding? Perception. This really went off the rails quick. What? That is a... I just know someone. Someone is really grateful for the amount of attention.

10. 7 plus 3. You kind of narrow your eyes and get on your elbows and try to spot the black pudding as best you can't pass the casks. then you can't quite see it unless you get pretty close. All right. You're going to have to go inside the chamber, which, again, if you look at the little map I drew you to scale, the chamber is about eight feet by eight feet. Because of the three of us just walking into the hotel. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to cast... We're back. Blur on myself. Ooh. Remind readers and your fellow players and me what it does. Your body becomes blurred. shifting and wavering to all who can see you. For the duration, any creature has disadvantage on attack rolls against you.

And this is because you're a deep gnome? Is that right? It's a deep giovability? Cool. An attacker is immune to this effect if it doesn't rely on sight, as with blind sight or conceitur illusions as with true sight. Can it see? I don't know.

I'm looking, though. We know it. smell? It has blind sight up to 60 feet. We know it can love. I will say I did look it up just now. It loves diarrhea. If you cast blur, I wanted it to make the diarrhea just splatter everywhere, but that's not how it works. You have a perfect grip on whatever you're holding. So, I told you the perception check. What was your question? Other than just like you, the blur is just to try to help it, help yourself from being seen. I just don't want to be attacked. Yeah. Okay.

I'm picturing Indiana Jones. But you want to get inside the chamber to be able to see it, right? I told you that was what it would be to take to see it. Do I know how far it can smell? Ooh. Roll in nature check. Is there, and there's water around here as well in terms of like on the ground? There's a creek or something, 15 or everything.

Okay. So you don't really know, no, no. But based off of the conversations you had with your two friends who rolled really, high on the basic nature check for this thing. You're like, it's very stupid. It's so, so this means it has a passive perception that's very low. So passively, it's just hanging out in there. It's not going to know to smell.

It has to like go out of its way and do like an active ability check. It's passive. Where's from making noise? It's like a single digit. So like as it is, you have to get its attention. You have to get its attention. All right. So I'm going to go here have some.

have some diarrhea. And how close are you going to do this? I'm getting to the opening of the, yeah, to get visual on the casks. Okay. I don't want to get it on the casks. All right. Roll performance check. And this is going to be a DC 12 to get its attention. All right. I got a zero bonus to performance. Mm-hmm. You know wash up after this. And that is a one. One. I mean, we should, right? I've botched my diarrhea and my performance. So you guys just hear, like you can't quite even fart in the words because you just take a big inhale of your poop smell.

And it's so disgusting that it distracts you. And you kind of just go, ah! Is this one of those where like Ken sees it, it was like, and then I heroically reach my head and go, take this diarrhea. And what we see is actually just sort of like him. Just like a guy on the sidewalk downtown. It would be confusing to the rest of you for sure. I feel this is why you were expelled.

You feel like it's, it's, it's, it's, kick this character out of the park. You've created now an atmosphere of just general noise and it's less likely to think anything of you just shouting. You're going to have to get closer to get its attention. Okay. Don't be shy. When I first moved to San Francisco, I saw a dude. shitting outside my window. And then I went and woke Patten up so

he could see it too. Was it a cheap? Yeah. Come look. Yeah, I'm sure saying. I guess I'll try again. I saw a lot of shitting in San Francisco. Are you trying to be stealthy up until that moment?

Or are you like, she can get super close? Well, then roll a stealth truck. Yeah, okay. What's the whole shit in a bag once in a house in the nice part of town? Yeah, that's a 32. So just absolutely effortlessly glide right at how close do you want to get? As soon as you look over the casks, you'll be able to see it's about two feet away. Yeah, in, in visual distance.

It doesn't have eyes. No, for me. For you to see the casks. As soon as you look over the casks, two feet away. Okay. And make sure you get your hands all over the casks. I don't want to touch the casks. I don't want to throw it at the thing.

Maybe you should predator yourself. It's bait. It's bait. You're trying to leave with it. Yes, exactly. Okay. So I'm trying to draw it out. So would I drop it in front of me and walk backwards?

Or? Because my attention getting didn't work so well. But it does it hear? It didn't work well. Does it hear? It has all the sense. And it's all through some version of either vibration, heat, something like that. Well, sound would create vibration?

How would have I fire a crossbow at it? I would make you roll a dexterity saving throw to hold on to your wet poop while getting your crossbow out. Oh, my God. You would realize. What's your past of perception? Can you just try to toss your gift? 13. How much?

13. I mean, what I just said, I can't improve on the specifics. Or how difficult it would be. But right now you're just sitting there with your handful of poop. Everyone else, you can talk amongst yourselves. But he's, oh, we are. When you listen back, you'll see. Yeah, there's a lot of talking about yourself. Look, I was just trying to think of something like to smell and draw.

Don't give up on yourself. You're a really good position to do something. And you said an idea, but I don't know if you're falling through yet. I think you should throw. Can you want to throw your poop at that guy? He said throw and run, right? Yeah. Or drop and run.

Drop and run. Just kind of on the ground. Yeah. All right. and I'll fan it with something. Like where exactly you're dropping it? So like it's occupying like a little crevice in the side of the room and beyond the casks.

I don't want to get it. So like on the other side of the casks? Yes. In the tunnel. In front of the casks. Between me and the casks. Got it. So on the other side of the casks.

So now you see it. My side of the casks. You see it, but you don't want to like get it. it's super close. You want to go past the casks. Yes, I want to draw it out from the casks. Like at your feet. Okay. Yeah. Do a survival check. All right. Saying smells that diary is going to come out with a lobster bib. So what's going to, what before you roll? Cartoon arms and legs. Yeah. Good, getting, getting, getting, getting, getting, getting, getting, before you're a 12 to not get the poop all over yourself when you drop it on the ground.

I've already done that. Uh, no, I mean, like all over yourself. Uh, you need a 15 to, to make it look like appetizing the way you drop it and not just like kind of like coat the ground in a way that it won't notice. Like you're drizzling. Right. Like you're drizzling some cheesecake. Right.

And you're gonna have to describe for me what that would look like to have it successfully laid down. All right. So what's a goal? The goal is, I'm maybe I'll make a little. Describe the presentation. Like cake frosting? No, I will sort of run it between my fingers

in a line towards myself. I hate poop jokes, too. So this is just directing it. Oh, these are jokes. This just happens. Yeah, this just happens. I hate this sort of humor. It's just, I know.

Well, it's not, I'm delighting in how much I know people will be. I'm like, I bring this stuff. I know. So a drizzle. So, yeah, a delicate drizzle. To do a survival check. Towards the exit. Towards the back where I came from.

Right. So you're trying to, like, walk backwards as you do. Yeah. crawl backwards even sure okay uh that is a no that is a 21 oh survivor you said yeah 21 so like one of the artisan donut bakers at crispy cream you expertly drizzle your poop water all over the gray rock of this cave and you begin to crawl backwards um do a perception check all All right. Roll to Purell.

Perception. No one is ever going to fuck. Five. Okay. Not a good role. Dan is holding up his die, listeners. He is consulting an ancient chart written on skin. So I am leaving.

Okay. And you get to your group? Don't read it all that. Okay. Did I see any reaction from the... No, you didn't. What just happened? I'm going to wash up.

Okay. What did you? Do a survival check to get the poop off of yourself. I'm posting this on my Instagram. What do they have? Survival? Yeah. That's a 14.

Okay. You do a 14's worth of a job. The poop off your hands and butt. Great. I'm fighting the urge to cover it up. Just fighting the arch. I mean, can I, we're sort of around the corner, damn. Is that correct?

Can I peek my head around? Where the fudges made? I would like to peek around the corner and just sort of. You see the dog leg on the map that I drew to. Like, it's sort of like an eat. Okay. So I would get to see if I can get eyes on the black pudding and seeing what's going on. And you're going to crawl through the small little tunnel with the trail of diarrhea in it?

Oh, no. If anyone can... Wait, there's diarrhea in the tunnel now? He trailed it as he crawled back. It's a tunnel of fudge. It's like a butt kick. You know what? Give it a minute.

Let's give it a minute. Yeah. Do not go in there. Anything happening? You wait? I'm going to wash somewhere. About five. We'll say if you wash again that it's done.

Okay. We all stab 10. You wait another five minutes Nothing happens What the hell? I went to all that trouble Should we all I rolled two perception checks

Can we waft somehow? Yes It's I'm so easy It's a tape And use it as a fan Some other way I'm not gonna sit in my hand

No you don't No This is my favorite episode of the show He said it's a very effective lore I don't know why I love this so much Because it stinks I heard that too You know

I'm gonna I'm going to do something I shouldn't do. Cats can spray. You can't possibly take it farther than cat. I can turn around and lift my tail and just rock it one over towards the. A turd? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Please do a survival check to put, and you're trying to it down the tunnel. Spray it in your tail. Hang on. Before you, don't tell me yet, you got to describe.

So you're, this is a tunnel. Are you going to do what Chris was almost to do? Like crawl so you get close to the main lure? I'm going to kind of take a look at where he was going to put his. Big pilot diarrhea here and then like a trickle all the way through this tunnel. Okay, well I'm going to position myself as close as I can without getting poop on my claws. To what? The trail or this?

To that, to that, to the main room. Okay. Do a. The main guy, gags. Separate acrobatics family. A separate acrobatics check to get. Don't tell me this is exactly what would be intended. Write down the survival or memorize it.

Survival was 15 plus 5. Use your wits. Okay, so this is going to be an incredible dirty, dirty, dirty, 20. That's a 15 plus 3. An 18 on the acrobatics, you managed to not get any poop on yourself. And you just, pow, you drop like a rocket turd. Do you want this to like, if you're going to perch right there,

you want to go arc over the casks so it like hits it? You hear a, and then I'm going to, and I'm going to cover it up, like sort of paw the wall. Okay, are you going to try to race out of there before it gets you?

Yes. Do you want to be stealthy or do you want to move fast? Acrobatics check. 19 plus. Nice. Oh, my gosh. Three, it's right. All the windows just shut, magic.

You bounce right out of there, and you guys all see him just effortlessly, like, like, either side just sort of like bouncing back and forth. How to go, how to go. Literal crouching tiger. I walk by Louis and I go, follow that, Fonters. So you're crouching tiger your way out of there, Mr. Bites, and you all just, like, wait. And this time you do feel pretty good because you heard like a little thunk of your turd,

arcing over the barrels and going inside the pudding. Oh, the thunk of your turd went into the pudding. Okay, good. Everyone roll a perception check. Bill Cosby is very proud. You stare down the- perception. Everyone roll a perception check to stare down the tunnel and look for the black ooze

coming up the diarrhea trail. 19 plus 5. 24. That's a euphemism, right? Coming up to... Yes. 14. Yes, it is.

It is. And get to the top up. 18 plus 5, 23. Okay. Five. Three plus two. What did you get? 14?

I got a 24. Okay. So you see like a little black ooze arm, like feeling at the diarrhea trail come around. See? This corner right here. I don't know what I'm doing. You feel like you might have a moment to attack or you can all back up and be stealthy and try to hide along the outsides of this chamber and see if it comes all the way.

Yeah, let's hope, right? Yeah, let it come out. All right, but you rolled high enough, Blaine, to notice it's coming and give everyone this opportunity. So everyone roll a stealth check. Stealth check. 3, 15 plus 7. 33, 20 plus 13.

Holy fuck. Wow, I roll a disadvantage, and I rolled a 16 and an 18. So I'll take the 16 plus 1 to 17. Great. What you had that still? Okay. Okay, well, those two really, really high roles will buffer your role, Brian. And that's plenty high, Chris, for all of you to kind of like flatten yourselves up.

Here comes pudding. Putting the two perpetrators of the poop closest to tunnel. The poopitrators. Come on. Come on. Hi-fives, everybody. Don't a high-five. You all see.

Come on. Hi-five me. High-five me, God damn it. Yeah. Over here, Brian. Don't leave me. Hang. Yeah.

Right, Brian, over here, Brian! Ow, my hands! It's a good. Angry high-five. Brian's not happy about this. He's holding it against me. Nobody said 69. All right.

So, six in seven. I laughed at so many grocery store lines with Melanie, and then we high-five when it comes up. They'll go 75-69 and we'll go, ha. Fucking people. I love it. And Gelsons are like, you idiots. Oh, my goodness.

All of you see the little tendril of black pudding is reach out and start padding at the end of the diarrhea trail. What would you like to do? Is it in the room? Kill it with fire. It is just starting to come in the room. If you attack you. Let it come a little further in. Just, you know, give us a second and then kill it.

Okay. It's like going. All there. It's going to roll up. perception check to not only just get the last of the poop but potentially see you rolls low which is good it kind of reaches out really far making itself really vulnerable and tries to just drag itself along the rock to get the last of the diarrhea delicious do you attack yeah yes all right well he is not going to get an attack the first round because you are going to get the element of

I was actually incredibly well executed. Everybody rolled for initiative. Nice. Sweet. Once again. Honestly, impressed with how that turned out, given how incredibly stupid it was. One of the dumbest things I've ever heard. Dumb or smart? Here's the truth of it is it went so well.

I'm kind of an ass for saying they really went great. Honestly. Really went great. Ignore the three rolls. I had a lag. I heard the 20. You got a what? 17.

17. Okay. 21. Nice. All right. I'm doing my best to do this. I wasn't ready, folks. So please be patient.

Corbeau, what you got? 10. Okay. And Durkin got a 23. Brian, what did that guy get for his initiative? That guy right there? The little stuffed animal of you. Oh, great.

Like you stuffed animal, the plush. You got a 15, does he have many pluses? Charisma, probably. For being such a cutie. What's he saying, Brian? Says thank you. Duh. So dumb.

That makes me so happy. Not as dumb as other things that have really. happened in this room. Yeah, remember all the poop stuff? Oh, yeah. That was fine. I don't think it's over. What does he not know what's going on?

He's trying to lock it out. Lil Brian. He thought it was a blowout click Ken. Oh, wow. Yeah. I didn't know Lil Brian's going to have notes for us. Okay. Cool.

All right. I'm going to say he is he rolled highest on his initiative, but Durkin is not going to go this wrong because he's holding his action. So he might go as soon as Blaine goes, which he will take as a sign. So he holds his attack action and then Blaine, you're up first. I'm going to throw a flask of oil onto it. Yeah, get it. All right. So that is going to be an attack roll?

Yes. That is a 12. Okay, you get, you get, um, about half of it on there, half of it on the wall around it. Okay. And then you like do the bonus action. Uh, I think I'm just going to have to get up, get away. I don't have a torch yet. So you're going to just try to stay at the edge of the room?

Yes. Cool. Brian, you're up. Um, actually really quick, Dirk is going to, Dirkin is going to. Oh, he botched. Oh, buddy. Oh, buddy. He got a 94.

Oh, that's so long turkey. He goes to stab at it and trips and just lands in the pudding. Oh, no. God. Brian, you're up. Cancel that. Cancel that mini. I landed in the pudding at the Sizzler salad bar.

It was delicious. All right, athletic strike, please. Okay. Out of the pudding into the diarrhea. Yeah. Suddenly, kids, a bit of a genius. 23. Yeah, you guys to pull them out.

Fantastic. He goes through Zup. Jesus Christ. Any bonus actions you can do? I don't think I can't. Do I? Let's just check. Under the action section real quick.

you will eventually have second wind right now you don't need that up next in the turn order is Ken can I leu sir ignite a crossbow bolt I would let you as the bonus action light it yeah okay they'll just use up your bonus action okay and you can shoot and then I will fire at it okay

So I'll let you do that actually Just do a survival check DC12 Okay I should make you roll to make sure that you can On the fly light it That's a 10

So you can't quite light it Well then I will fire Crossbow into it Great roll to attack That's plus 9 to hit. That's a 29 to hit. That's a hit.

Whoa. What the hell? Dragon just came out of it. That was hilarious. DFT Beyond had an entire dragon animate across their character. Wow. Oh, because it's a crit.

Oh. 20. 20. 9. That's going to say. Double your die damage. All right. So 2D6 plus 5.

Do you want to double your dice? Or you want to two? Three, what? Do you do you roll double the amount of or double your number you get to double the number not the number i'll just double the number uh so six oh plus five sorry and that's with 11 the doubling yes cool uh chris um am i right in thinking that if i hit it with my melee weapon but use divine smite the smite the magic of that is like is radiant that would ignite the oil?

No. Radiant wouldn't that shit. Well, you know what? That's the goal. Let me double check. I mean, if I hit if I try and strike the oil to create sparks, yeah, it doesn't ignite oil.

You could try to create sparks. Yes, that's what I want to try and do. Like you said, to how it's, there's oil on the pudding, there's also oil on the stone on the wall. Can I really really put my glaive attack towards the wall in the effort of

not destroying wall so much as I want to do like a nice like across the stone slice to try and throw sparks. Do a survival check. Oh, okay. And then if it'll be just sort of like Ken's. If you get a 12. Okay. I have

a plus one bonus to this. Oh, I only rolled a three. Okay. So you're going to be able to swing normally, but it's going to, you know, glance off. Not ignite. Yeah. Shit.

I'm going to consult my spells super. I have a lot of poison, but I don't think I have any other fire. I have shining smite. Shit, I don't have anything that creates fire. You're trying to do it with magic, not with hitting. Well, that would be if I was hitting with a smite. That's why I was saying. I don't know if you heard.

Maybe I didn't hear, but I've redacted what I. Oh, I did not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I would like, yeah, then I just want to try and fucking swing at it with like, Lavin, use divine smite. Okay. Lavin. All right.

So, this one is 17 plus 825 to hit. That's it. Great. So it's, I'm ruling that because it's, it's like oil and poop. It's extra flammable. Awesome. I love that. It's my favorite stealing dam.

Yeah. Oil. and uh one plus four five slashing and then I believe it's 2D8 or 1D a radiant uh so the diarrhea is like a fuse

oh and then the 11 radiant damage which hopefully is enough to ignite the fire there is a huge wush of flame as you ignite the oil and diarrhea Ria and the black pudding. And we'll see how your dexterity saving throw goes to bounce backwards and not get your

face lit up on our next episode. And we totally understand if you don't listen to the next episode. Although, to be fair, you did just burn up most of the poop. So there's not as much poop. You're going to want to hear what happens. I think I'm a genius. Do you want to plug, Dan? If you want, if you like the work I did today.

If you liked what I cranked out. Please, Dan Telford.com, I would love to hear it. But we should ask Sam. Sam, what do you think happened today? Season 8, episode 8, we're attacking,

but what are we fighting? We're trying to lure it, but what are we luring? Oh, that's right. We're fighting pudding. Ken is feeding it poop. Ken is trying to throw poop at it and is failing. Blaine threw poop at it and then bounced away,

like crutching tighter, hidden dragon. The pudding is covered in oil. Are we going to light it on fire? We are. Oh my goodness. You know, some people think it's funny. Nice work.

Rhymes with Ronnie. Brimesame.com for tour dates. Let's see. When is this one there? This is next week. Okay, so I've got Chicago and

Michigan Ferndale it's a magic bag that's going to be a a fucking stacked show because it's me and J.T. and Kristen Lighty

and then because he's a local Brad Wenzel is going to come by so there'll be three funny people before I get on stage so feet on desk for me

fuck you guys no I'm looking forward to it JT is doing most of the shows with me this fall. So come see him and laugh. That's it. Ken? We attribute the success.

Save mankind for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Oh, sorry, Ken. I was just checking out the nerd poker mail bag. Dear nerd poker, grandson has a birthday coming. And you get something I know he likes to punch him.

Go check out Hero Forge and get him in action, figure. They're great. Let's get a wellness check over there. We'll find out what she's alive on the next nerd poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P-O-box 16069 and Sino, California, 911. Thanks for listening. All right, everybody. We're getting ready to roll. here. Stop the work and everybody with speed and okay really big in three two to Brian. That's all going in. We could have kept all that teacher stuff.