Nerd Poker - The Fog Campaign - Episode 11

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

Wooo we have a gnome mech and blew up a mansion! Time to sell some loot and celebrate. Hopefully we haven't upset the natural order of things too much and none of the other rich people in town are like, suspicious or whatever. Time to go dump that babysitting job on the Thieve's Guild! They'll love it!  For 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker . For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com.

Our friends at Hero Forge are making custom dice Contribute to the Kickstarter now through April 4th for your chance to get rewards like early access to Dice Maker a standard or Excel D20 a regular mini statuette or prototype ultra HD mini or even design your own Held item or outfit to be added to Hero Forge. Check the link in our bio and our social media. The Hero Forge custom dice Kickstarter ends when, Blaine? April 4th! So what? So should they hurry? Yeah, hurry! Oh god, hurry! Hey, it's Brian Poseyne, nerd poker. We're calling it The Zod Campaign.

My friends are here, Chris Blaine, engineer Sam, and of course our kick-ass DM Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, it's Brian Pesane. You're listening to Nerd Poker. It's episode 11 of... It's episode 11 of the thug campaign. My friends are here. I paused because they were making goofy faces. Chris is here. Hello. Hey, Brian. Hi, Brian. What the fuck? Ken? Hey, Brian. The hell is? Hands here. Hey, Puff. Really, what the fuck is happening? Oh, well, you know, she's she's very curious.

At the end of the table is always Sam. Hello, sweet children. Hey, pal. Yeah, yeah, it is. So take off all your clothes. To the Great White North. Take off. It's a good way to go. Take off. It's kind of good. I listened to that album so many times. I had the cassette and just like completely shredded it from what you say about his company is what you say about society a strange brew or like he inflates in the beer thing. Got to take a leak.

Strange brew when the dog hoser gets drunk house. It's like the weirdest weirdest there's a statue of reverse I got out in Canada is there yeah such a who our 51st state our beautiful 50% sorry I have a friend in Canada who's like it's it it's not good they are intense get into details but I want to bum everyone out, including listeners. But yeah. Empty planes. Empty planes going to America.

What does that mean? No one wants to go to America for any reason. And nobody wants to fly. It's too expensive. I don't want to fly. Yeah. Yeah. Flying.

It is a beauty way to go though. Take off. We should thank some people. First of all, thank you, Geddy Lee from Rush for testing on the Great White North Copy album. And also, this podcast is hosted by you, the Patreon listeners, so thank you so much if you can support us We appreciate everyone who listens, but y'all Y'all the bees knees and I want to thank those cats pajamas at our top two tiers on patreon They have usernames like the time Gandalf sat on his butt

Thank you at that time Well, I think them last episode actually, but you know what worth the second butt. Thank you at that time. I think them last episode actually, but you know what? Worth a second one. Thank you Kevin Gardner. Thank you Poke Bill. Thank you Stuart Black. Thank you Daniel whom I care for deeply. Daniel who?

Thank you Lil John's tiny what? Thank you oysters. The most moistest oysters ever moisted. Thank you Firm Rip. Toisters ever moisted. Thank you, Firm Rip. Thanks, Dr. Duck Butter. Thank you, Chris Bakos. Thank you, Bongston Two Joints Tender Crutch. That's a, that's gotta be a dwarf name.

Thank you, Brian. I gave you $69 in St. Louis, you son of a bitch. Oh, isn't it? Yeah, we got sketch. I'm sure I said your name. It just sounds jocular. Like he's giving you a little ribbon. Thank you.

Not a ribbon, R-I-B-B-O-N, but a ribbon, R-I-B-B-I-N. Apostrophe. I like that ribbon for his pleasure. Thank you, Pratt Dudley, and thank you, Eric Wartley. Blaine, who are those supporters? Supporters brought to us by Micro Hard, computer office suites for the smaller gentlemen. And Flash Tight,

Flashlights for the smaller gentlemen. And of course, a gleaming red bar cheddar from a better Vanish time for the smaller. Dan, thanks Blaine. time for this damn explain really feel like our you know our sponsors really get us well it's time to talk about what happened last time on nerd poker eyes BUNNER POGER. Guys, did it. You won Dungeons and Dragons. Oh, great. Again. You guys won Dungeons and Dragons by breaking in to a mansion and, you know what, just blowing it up, killing the security. You went into the mansion of Alathor X. Alathor is Alarax, excuse me, and after flooding his basement with the entire ocean,

went in the front, stole a couple of swords, and you know, then when the security showed up by smashing in the front wall, you dispatched of the mightily twiddin' sitting in a giant ice Twuddin sitting in a giant ice of a driver's seat in a mech. And he really owned Alathor. He really showed that old cranky drow what's what. And he was so humbled that he even went into a chest and gave Twuddin some magic boots. If you guys would spend the next three night guarding his house and you were like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he told you he would give

you a fair amount of gold 50 gold a night for each of the three nights and you would discuss maybe taking it to the Thieves Guild but right now the night air is blowing your hair dramatically behind you as you stand on the front lawn of the Zalrax mansion. One of you sitting in a mech, all of you perching your fists on your hips and puffing out your chests and just acting like heroes after absolutely blowing your hair into the ground. After a beat, you know, Little Peepers kind of looks at everyone. Well, I think we won Dungeons and Dragons, everyone. I guess we can go home. We all posed for the photo. We look really, uh, up tonight, but, um, we might want to clean up.

We look a mess and we are drawing a lot of attention. I'm glad we keep the mech. The mech is nice. Uh, Twiddin, you're going to sell that mech? How you feel about that mech? I think I said last time, we'll, as a group, we can decide. It sounds like it's more small person sized. Yeah.

I think maybe if we sell it through the thieves guild, guys? Yeah? Maybe? You did get a very clear idea that they do a lot of fencing. They're called the seller's eye, and it's spelled with a C, but they made it clear it's a play on words because there is a lot of fencing that happens in the thieves guild office. You could take it over there. fencing that happens and the thieves killed off. You could take it over there. You could walk it back to the tavern and park it outside with the horses and have a fun little moment where all the horses look up at your giant mech and you tie it to the little horse post. It's on right here. Look at that little horse. Are enjoying the pets and they just look straight up

and backwards here at the same time. I believe you are all going to get a fair amount of gold if you fence that at the Thieves Guild. I believe they will find a place for it. They might need to call someone in to drive it away. I don't think they want it sitting outside that thieves get away from the Guild entrance if you catch my drift.

Yeah, that's less. I want to saying like we maybe we take it nearby like a barn or something. I do think we should at least hide it for a minute and ask someone to come collect. But someone will find it right away. It's very noisy. It's making a lot as we stand here. So yeah, let's go park it in a barn. That sounds like a great idea.

And then I had an idea. I don't know how you all feel, but I would like to start getting to rob in those caverns underneath the city. It was sort of the whole reason this city is valuable. The mansion was a nice place to get us those fancy sorts. I did want to get those. I thought I'd only get one, but we got two.

Quite pleased. But the real treasure is underneath Del's Myth. It's what the legends tell of. So maybe if we could get a map to some of that. Those caverns, I'm to understand secrets. And then of course, we had talked about maybe, I don't know, saving the town from that fissure that appears to be opening in the middle of the

ocean to aid another plane of existence and, you know, dark things are swimming in and out of it. We could take care of that for the locals if you like, but I would like to trade for a map. With who? The Thieves Guild. You're saying they have a map. With who? The Thieves Guild. You're saying they have a map of the Underdark? I think they probably don't have it on site, but I think that they have a map of the caverns below.

I don't know if it goes quite as far down as the Underdark, but it is my understanding there are some ancient tunnels beneath the desert. All right. It seems like the Thieves Guild would have already looted it, right? Is this more sort of like, are we sort of going on behalf of them and we share with them? Is that-

Yes and no. If you remember the Thieveskill, pay what you think is nice. You go ahead and let us know, they said. You don't have to give us anything. But make it, make when you report what you have stolen, give us a sense of how much it was, they said. You don't have to tell us exactly what it was. And if you would like to give us a tribute, you may,

but there is no pressure. They simply go by a sort of system of how well are you in with. I think the more we give them, the more favors we can get in return. You guys are the thieves. Does that sound good to you guys? Good.

Yeah, I'm down. Perhaps we go hapsies on the mech and we get, um, I don't know, maybe two maps. I don't know. I'm like, what do you think? Well, is it a map of the same thing? Like if we buy one map, it'll take us to one treasure and we buy a second map, it takes us to a second treasure? That's right. You know, what's really nice about Delzimeth is it's a very old city. You may remember it is

over 300 years old. The Thieves Guild alone has been here and so there are civilizations, at least two layers, current village that we are sort of traipsing about in so we could go pretty far underground very different treasures buildings upon buildings secrets upon secrets I think that we could probably get a large enough hall from just one treasure that we would want to find a place. And I don't know if we find a nice place to park the mech, let it be sort of a trial run of finding a place to stash things. But we should get rid of it. We're drawing a lot of attention. We just blew up the building. We're very noisy thieves right now. It's nighttime, but you may notice there are people in the street staring at us while we have this conversation on the mansion's lawn.

We should have this conversation inside the gate probably. Willie is trying to take the keys out of my hand. Look man, she likes to drive. It's so funny. She's a lot. It's okay, she's a puppy still. Yeah, let's go. I mean, Thieves Guild, right? Because we can also talk to them about the guard situation.

We may or may not be guarding this guy's house for the next three nights if we want to. But otherwise we can feel like we're bringing a lot of goodwill to the Thieves Guild right now. I do think the the gig of guarding the guy's house might not be as we might hope. No, but they know. I will point out when we get to the thieves guild, the thieves guild has been hired to guard the billionaire's house. They can do with that as they will. What if they don't do it?

They don't probably do it. Let's talk to them. It's a billionaire's house, which means it has billions in it. We did take at least three of the valuables that are legendary out of that house. I suppose it does matter how much we tell them we've taken. If we obfuscate that, perhaps it's a sweeter gink. Huge? Whatever. We'll tell them and then go look for more treasure underground, right? It's a sweeter gig. Fuge.

We'll tell them and then go look for more treasure underground. Right. That's yeah. I like that. We need to rest in some point too, don't we? Yeah. I need to heal. Yeah. I think we all got pretty much murdered by the, those guys, right? You get beat up.

And so why don't you all do, I'll let you choose. You could either scout the city, looking for a place to stash the mech and do an investigation check individually, or you can be a part of a group. Little peepers will fill out whatever group is smaller, of course, and do a...

Well, we just leave the mech inside the gate here. So it's essentially... Yeah, I assume it lived here before unless the the gnome drove it from his semi you probably will want to out of passive insight and you may already be thinking this right check in with Alathorn let him know you'll be coming back for it you're not just abandoning it since it was his friends before you killed his friend. Of course, of course. Frenchmen. Okay, so you know Alathor is, you know, using his hands because he

doesn't know where the the help keeps the dustpan and he's just sort of scooping some explosive debris into his hands, just sort of dottering around his exposed living room. Alright, well, we'll explain it to him, and then... What? Can I go off the night charm in like to a 27 before? Um, I would say he would be I'm gonna I'm gonna ask you to do a Let's see a Persuasion check with a relatively low DC just to get across to him that you mean

Not to complicate his life awesome. So we'll What's your bonus to persuasion? Eleven life. Awesome. So what's your bonus to persuasion? 11. We'll give that to you. We'll just say it's an automatic success. You're so persuasive, a little thing like that's no problem at all. Awesome. Thank you, buddy.

Oh, yeah, sure. Bye. All right, gentlemen, to the Themes Guild. Let's do it. You head up to the- Sparakola, you got a sweet- Yeah, man. You walk into the illusionary bouche and down some steps to where there's a very plain-looking

wooden door that you visited not so long ago. Once you get to the bottom of the steps, a little slider goes and you see the eyes of a familiar orc. Waits in silence. Y'all listen to Willy licking her water. That's for our ASM, our friends. Is your dishwasher leaking? It's the Thieves guys! And I'll point to these guys because they're the Thieves Guild members.

Remember them? What language do you say it in? Undercommon. Oh right, of course. One moment the orc says and opens the door and waves you inside. Undercommon is a language he speaks. Barely speaks. So you head on over to the interrogation table where there are a row of chairs for you all to wait. You

sit down, the orc leaves the room, Havish, you may remember, leaves the room to go get the plank. The plank is the rotating, anonymous, regional leader of the Thieves Guild. It turns out it's the same plank that you saw. His shift has not quite ended. He said he's got about a week left in his shift. A high elf comes out, very nice, plain, unassuming clothing, pulls up a chair.

Well, well, made quite a ruckus. Ticket, it was a successful heist? Not only, but oh boy, you guys are the proud owners, or at least we are the proud owners of a new, what do you call that thing, a Nomek? What do you call that Dan? Um, Let's do Twodden. Can do either an insight or history check to give it a name. Insight is plus five history is plus five. I would go insight. OK. So it's an 18 plus five, 23. And I would probably call it an automaton suit.

Well, we have a lovely Gnomish and I would probably call it an automaton suit. Well, we have a lovely gnomish automaton suit as part of the spoils. The Plank's eyes get very large. Yeah. You're willing that to us. Well, I think what we should do is sell it and then we would like some of the profits and as we are new men, certainly,

I think we would like to share some of the profits and as we are new men, certainly I think we would like to share some of the profits with our good friend who is taking on the, we would ask to take on the job of selling such a thing. I see. Well, we would be very happy to split the fencing on such a valuable thing. Well, I don't know if we'll split it, but we definitely, as it has been explained to us, we will

share what we think is fair. What terms are you proposing? I don't know. We'll see. There are one, two, three, four of us and there's a guild. So five of you went for a stamp. Oh, five. Oh, yeah. Five little peepers. So can we talk privately for a second and excuse us? Can we have the plank? Very well. I'll leave you alone. It's a plain room. Nothing to steal but chairs. I'll be back. I'll be back in a moment. I'll knock first. I'm gonna steal some chairs. You know when you, uh, everyone do an insight check real quick. Natural 20 plus five.

14 plus eight. 22. Six. Holy shit balls. What's this roll? Insight. 14 plus 8, 22. Six. Six. Holy shit balls. What's this roll? Insight. What's your insight bonus?

Plus two. 16. Wow. Nice. Very high rolls. So you were already aware that the seller's eye has the sort of specialty of having words that record conversations in all the alleys of town.

And there is a very high chance that what you say in this room is being magically recorded, even though the park left the room. One of us should beatbox while we're discussing. Not necessarily anyone listening, but record it. Oh, all right. How about like, I'll just pull out like a piece of parchment, like a quill and ink, I can just draw write something out

I mean what I would write out is with that insight check you would think no one's Gonna see that unless they're scrying awesome, which is possible Even if they are i'll draw a circle and underneath i'll write Money from mech and i'll draw from mech and I'll draw us one, two, three, four, five with little peepers. So I'll draw six even pie charts and write each of our names next to five. And I'll write thieves guild next to the sixth. So basically we would divide the share, the selling and they would, the thieves guild would be like our partner.

They would get an equal share. That way they're not getting more than us and they're not getting less than us that seems like at least as an opening negotiation what do you guys think about that super fair to me yeah I think that they will be interested but it's not the best terms for them no it's not but we're also creating a new ongoing relationship I would say again if we continue to bring it, I mean,

to pitch this, I do think that will matter. What do you think? Who do you think should picture? I mean, it could be myself. I don't know that I am the most charming person in the group. I'll let you decide that for yourselves. That might be me. I mean, I will grit what his persuasion check is,

but you can my you can go ahead and have a meta conversation amongst the rest of you. Yeah. I mean, I don't have to be the person. I just I know I have a good bonus, but it seems to make sense. At least they have the thieves involved with this. Right. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like the three of you would be really. But I'm happy to do whatever. Shalab, you want to you want to talk to this guy?

No. I'm better at deceiving than I am convincing. Copy. I don't think we want to deceive them because we're supposed to be like pals with them. Yes. Deception is an option, but you don't really need to do it right now unless you have a reason. I don't think so.

I would think maybe we could let Mr. Peepers. Great. Peepers it is, dude. Because he's got a better... I was here first. Not in a way that I am necessarily trying to lower the relationship with me. As he has... I've been into Thieves Guild before, but I am as new to this one as you all by a day. I'm ahead of you by a day.

I'll strum my guitar and give him bardic inspiration so he can have a D8. I feel quite smart. Shall we knock and let him know we're welcoming his entremes? I mean I'm sure he's already listened to this but yeah of course. He skitters over to the door and paps wraps on it. Door opens after a moment, a very convenient moment, so you think, man, it's possible he was listening, you can't really tell unless you wanted to.

Very pointed check. And Little Peeper says, we have come to an agreement. He kind of rolls up the parchment that has what you wrote on it, not to hide it, but to create an air of professionalism, as if maybe you wrote something you might not want to be shown it. I believe that because there are six of us the guild being a sixth we would like to propose you get a sixth. The plank kind of like narrows his eyes and here comes persuasion check. We've got a plus nine from 21 nice any of that barnic inspiration if he feels

like what is the D8 nice so then in addition to that a six nice for total 27 very well that sounds more than fair I should tell you that if we do Nice. For total of 27. Very well. That sounds more than fair. I should tell you that if we do something, it's kind of subjective, but less than a 50-50 split with someone, it's usually on the lower end for us. This is, of course, a large haul that we'll be getting for quite a valuable thing, but policy for a share that small that we put the word out and see who would like to do the fencing specifically. And then we insist on a 50-50 split with them between us and them, because it's not quite the same level.

And you know, some people are willing to give us a deal for this sort of thing. The difference between a sixth and a twelfth for something like this is not huge. So we're willing to put the word out and see what member of the guild would like to do the fencing. So there will be a delay on the payment as we see who would like to be the seller for this thing. All right. Well, you just let us take ownership of the... Oh, we'll take it right now if you like. No, you know, I think we should probably get that deal in place. Don't you guys think that's the case?

Where will you be leaving it? The buyer is going to want to see it immediately. I mean, I'm sure they would. You just let us know as soon as you got that set up and we can, for sure, we would love to set up a meeting. I'm sorry. Of course, right, Spicoli? Yeah. Yeah'm sorry. Oh, of course. Right, Spicoli? Yeah.

Sure. Very well. I will ask you all to wait here a moment. He gets up from the table, walks to the door and shuts it again. Sexties. I don't think he's mad at us, but I do think that maybe he is not impressed. I don't think that's bad, but I do think that we are, uh, not getting the golden treatment now.

Yeah, I mean, I think that happens when you don't give somebody half of everything you have. Oh, I don't think he expected half, but I do think... You're gonna call him a shower shaver, right? Spicola, you're talking to a plant. Oh, sorry. We're over here. I do think it's a lot of work to sell something so big. Equal share seems pretty fair. Also, like, we want to go get, you know, maybe when he comes back, we tell him we want a map.

We are certainly in the business of bringing more treasure. Yeah, absolutely. Are we going to broach the idea that we're trying to dump a little security card job in their lap as well? Sure. All right. I think we should maybe... Well, they can take that for free.

I think right now we are not going to take money. I think right now we are not going money. So we, we, we, that would mean no, no promises, no favors, no Intel. So we would want to do something that will trade in. Eh, if we don't raise how much of a share we're willing to give, they're not going to sell it. So we want that map right now. Don we he started he started to get his little crime boner and his his his forehead is not literally but his forehead is all I leave the room his forehead is sweaty and he's just sort of like tapping his

fingertips together. He doesn't have pencil out does he? No. Oh my God. That's what Brian deemed it when he got very excited about crime, a crime boner. So it is a theoretical crime boner in his words. I am referencing. So he very much wants to tell you. All all right, well we could sell the broadsword

Right, I certainly don't mind it's too large for one such as myself to feel unless the colonies like within as part of the share Loving it. Yeah, well we say well What is this? I think if we throw that in we can get a match tonight for sure It's very valuable if you remember that's the scissor of Umberley. Mm-hmm. Yeah. All right. Meow. He skitters over and knocks at the door, but he's nervous. And as soon as he does it, you all realize the guy's doing something. The knocking on the door is not necessary. Yep. The plank's gonna come back when he comes back, so you see him kind of almost apologetically like look at all of

you with his one eye and just kind of go, ah, just kind of want to get this over with. Yeah, maybe you should, uh... Someone else want to do this part of the deal? I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. Sure. He sits down, wipes this he takes like like a brightly colored kerchief out of his pocket and dabs it on his forehead. It's a few more minutes before the plank returns but he comes back. Can we ask little peepers? What level are you little peepers? Like would you say you've done probably

adventuring? I'm a level 8 rogue. Level 8? You're nervous, friend! Yeah, well, you know, I am a custom NPC, and so I'm... I'm level 8, but I do have significant weaknesses in order to balance off my strengths. I am a Master Pickpocket, a Disarmor, an Illusionist, but I get a little overwhelmed.

Okay, well, we got your back. Look at Spicoli. He's chill as a cucumber. I'm confident we will leave this with a good twidden. We're in good hands with twidden. And yes, after this exchange, we'll say, since you have some minutes there. And yes, after this exchange, we'll say, since you have some minutes there. And when he comes in, he says, yes, we found a fence. Can probably get this taken care of tonight.

Wonderful. The deal works. Fence, could you send us a link? Yeah, the fence is giving you two options until the sale is over and see how much he can sell it for or you can take 100 gold right now. I don't think we'll take the terrible offer. We've already been told this thing is worth like 30,000? Yeah. Yeah.

Beer. That's what we were told. That's what Althor Zalorak said. I don't think that's an unreasonable amount. I do think it is worth significantly less, given that it was stolen in a very loud raid. Not stolen! I believe we inherited it from the... Yes, it's a hot potato. Let's just call it a hot potato.

Have you never been in a duel, friend? And you pick up someone's dagger and say, this dagger belongs to me now? The plane kind of leans back. I'm not sure you're completely aware of what you did tonight. That's true. As a rule, that is generally true.

Since you're the most engaged right now, why don't you do an insight check? 15 There's definitely like a downside to the Grander of your heist got it. All right. Well, then how about this? Well defer the payment and you'll find some more defer the payment and you'll find a more real-world based price. You'll almost certainly get lots more than a hundred gold if you're willing to wait and defer. Certainly. Also we have a couple more fun things to throw on yet.

Well as it turns out Althor Xalarax now is unguarded and he's worried about the possibility of having some private guards or such provided for him for the next three nights. Now we are interested in going treasure hunting underground. But we bring you this information from for Thieves Guild. If you wanted to provide some guards, I would say that Alathor Zalarax's mansion for the next 72 hours is a playground for the Thieves Guild. I will remind you, that's where we found this fucking mech. The Eat mech.

How would you like us to present this exactly? You gave us a pretty good idea there, but are you implying they ought to have a stake in whether they take the job or are you implying that maybe they should murder and rob Atlas? What I'm saying is as new members of the Thieves Guild, hey, this thing is happening. We can't do it. We're thieves guild hey this thing is happening we can't do it we're gonna go do this thing but you thieves guild guys you'll do what

you'll do you're aware if you put this so much in the hands of a stranger and I don't mean myself but someone who is not in this room will be taking this job if you put this in the hand of a stranger they situation in a way you would not like well are they a member of the thieves guild yes well then have a word They... situation in a way you would not like. Well, are they a member of the thieves guild? Yes. Well then have a word with them. Look man, we don't want to run your business.

We're trying to bring you some extra coin. Do you expect a share of this? No, we're just... All right. We're saying, oh boy. Yeah. Here's the thing. I'm throwing one of your thieves of bone now.

You're asking me to do you a favor with this one. We will possibly turn a profit, but it's not clear. The favor is whoever we give this job to. We're going to hope they are not in the brigands or pirates groups or Lord... One of the assassin guilds in one of the larger cities and when they visit Alathor, Alathor may have had a change of heart and offer to hire them to kill all of you. They might even propose it. Kill us? If they're in another guild, I'm just saying the Thieves Guild can't control everything that our members do. If it's a member who has status with us for a lot

of pay, Alathor might have enough coin to make it worth their while to abandon the thieves guild hunt you down I don't know I rolled 27 I feel like he's pretty into us he's a strange dumb old racist billionaire racists have a way of being... Alright, well then, what about us getting a treasure map to the ruins? Peeper said you might be able to connect us with that. Little peeper's nods, enthusiastically. Yes, we could get you one of those maps tonight even, if you like. Yeah, Sure. We'll simply take it into account.

Can I, what is going on with this guy? I feel like we're bringing him all good stuff and he's being so strange. Can I insight as to or something what's going on? Yeah you do an insight check. 15 plus 5 plus 520 if you were to offer him the sword now he might be a little less hard on you but right now it's all hypothetical oh we have no real yeah okay I'll tell them about the sword I thought we did that already and said we talked about doing it is what I had yeah we didn't actually do okay let's give them oh yeah there's a there's a scissors of umberlund if you just what now I tell them about all the ideas we have.

That's the, I mean, I knew she was into some fun stuff, but all right. That's the broadsword, right? Yeah. Yeah. Not the knee. You're going to keep the, the rebrapier. And so, yeah, because that's the one little peeper stuff would help us. Right.

He thought all of you would be good at wielding it. And that's when you raided one of the dungeons underneath the city, it would make you quite a powerful group. Great. Because his intention, he said in episode one was to get all of you, you know, raiding those caverns. And the needle was to make you good at it. And so yeah, when you are going to just like put the,

just show it to the plank. Well, that's up to Spicoli. Spicoli, you want to show me that you got it strapped on your back? Sure, it's broadsword. It's that one that we had a two-handed greatsword. Yeah You take it out of its little sheets that you've made on like strapping it to her back and clank it on so though Just like in Boogie Nights when the guy... when Dirk Dirkle got his wang out. Aren't you a star? Yeah, the guy goes, whoa!

Aren't you a big shining star? The John Hodgman guy. Oh, that's funny. Uh... Boogie Nights? Yeah, well, in John... I'm currently working for John Hodgman. So that's very interesting. John Hodgman is the young Asian boy in his underpants throwing lit fire

crackers throughout the movie, right? No comment. Yeah. He's the one that shoots his wife and the guy that's having sex with her. Are you, are you the one shot that comes back out? You're straight up gifting them this. Selling them the sword or whatever. You're offering to trade it directly for maps.

Or map and I mean, it's a deals a deals. What I'm saying is right now there's a hypothetical cut they'll get from the security job and a hypothetical cut that they'll get. You're saying we'd like something for it, but you can just have it. Is the map, do we say, I mean, amongst a- You don't expect this to get fenced.

You're saying you'd like something in return as a trade. How about we give you the sword, and for that you give us a little bit of coin and a map. Please. Copy, copy copy copy okay so the way my character works is i have a thing uh i'm super i think it's called a silver tongue uh anything a nine or lower becomes a 10 so i rolled a three so it becomes a 10 and there's a 21 oh wow so I rolled a three so it becomes a ten and there's a 21. Oh wow! That's why this is... That's awesome! You devil. Oh God you devil. I'll give you a choice. You can have a map

and 200 gold or you can have each one leading to a treasure more valuable than 200 gold. I mean 400 for the sword seems pretty good to me. What do you guys think? This is not, by the way, the bid you'd give us for the hundred dollars. I mean this seems... remember you just offered us 100 GP for the super mech? This is not the same level of terrible... It's on our table and we can do with it. Whatever I could leave tonight and owe the guild a favor and put this on my back And keep it as a memento, but the mech is going to involve a lot of hot potato The person who moves it sells it will be in a bit of danger. I don't know they're in it back

Okay, the guys drive a smaller number of people willing to do it. That's fair. But but but all right. So do we want to one map or two? I know what Peepers is telling us through the fucking tentative. With his one eye he just keeps winking at you over and over again. You got that lipstick out. And you the old fluttering peeper. Do we like two maps?

I know peepers is a yes. What do you guys share? Shalab? Let's do two maps. Yeah we're we're offering a lot. Fair enough. We'll do things for things. Very well. Just keep it simple. Sorry for two maps. These are two maps that I will give you a graphic for when they're available at the moment, but you will get, I will describe them in great detail. He comes out after a very short moment. These are two maps that we have been looking to get rid of for a while. And honestly, after the, that's not a strong start. No one can afford them. You see, I see.

Rating in hot ticket items, there's there's a chance that we would even come to you and say your share of the mech and the security job amounts to another 400 gold who knows? Who knows? Again, I'm going to just tell you that I believe the sticker price on the mech is 30,000. I think we will be able to sell it for almost that much. Right. But then you keep on telling us that's good for

another 200. That's right. That's that's what the math ain't math. My assumption is you want this sold within the immediate future. Hey, man. We'll. Oh, all right. If you want to to sell it soon it's going to sell for less because you're not waiting for a bidding we are waiting that's what I'm saying we're in it for the cash so if and you've already said it's gonna take time I think we've all signed off on that we're in once you start selling it while we go on our little treasure you're willing to wait it will be worth quite a lot love it we are new members of the Thieves Guild trying to make money for the Thieves Guild.

Would you like to take the Thieves Guild out of the equation? We can put the offer on the table to some of our more valuable members and perhaps you can get a bid arranged now. They won't have the money for you yet, but you'll have a contact. I want to get paid now I'm saying yes to the longer deal. Oh no I I'm telling you one of the two things that could happen if the other thing is you will have open communication with a person planning to sell your mech and you don't have to come back to us. Yeah but we're coming I mean isn't this in our new home? Well. You've been Del Smith now? Oh I don know about that, but we were new friends at the Thebes Guild. Yeah, we have a timeshare.

I'm just saying it might take more than a week. Yeah, that's hey, I have a feeling we're going to be in this underground for at least what? Five episodes, Sam? Six? Easily. Shadows like a long rest. He lays the two maps on the two long, wide maps. They're almost as long as the great swords as he puts them. They're rolled up of course but they would you know take up that length on your back if you were to strap them to

your back. There are places underneath the town of Del Smith that are very lucrative. More offer. As I fetch these two, these are the two that we're always offering to folk who bring in a big pot and everyone always wants the gold, everyone always wants the gold. These are easily, if you successfully pull off,

these robberies will get you a great deal of gold, perhaps all the gold you'll need for the rest of your life. Third map that is not readily available. I could get it in an hour or so. But it is under lock and key and I would have to reach out to a contact to get you this map and it would be for more than just money. You would get a lot of money out of that robbery but you would also... I don't know, do we seem like the

people who should have a lot of power? Maybe later? Could we sell the power? I've been here before. There's a limit to how much money someone is willing to pay you outside of a guild. I think you'll discover if you were to try to just sell this mech yourselves on the street without us. I think you already know this. I mean, be very dangerous. Someone might just try to take you out. It's, it's, it seems as, uh, as likely as anything that if they take you out and steal the mech back that it would save them. Do you guys have? Go ahead. I was just going to say, me say make you pop you biddy gal. Watch it, Mac.

When you accidentally fall, I eat Mac. Is she crying for the ice water now? Is that an Andrew W.K. song? No, it's Desmond Decker. Oh, more. So all I'm saying is you could take the big map and then try to sell it, but it's more likely that the folks who can afford to buy it off you would rather kill you.

It's a dangerous thing to be walking around with. You keep talking about people coming to kill you. Is there someone coming to kill us now that we're part of your thieves guild? No, but I think that now that you've blown up a mansion with an old billionaire racist in it, that you might have a possible target on your backs. From him? From him or maybe someone who knows that you have treasure from his mansion. Perhaps someone who's had an eye on the mansion and

wishes they did Fox. That's a what's your name? Your competition is all I'm saying. Do you know who this competition might be? Not right now. I have I've not spoken and you have my word. I've not spoken to anyone about your robbery other than the walls. All the information I have has been recited anonymously to me in an alley. You've never had an anonymous alley recitation. Wagnall's porch. When you're alley.

Uh, uh, show, uh, uh, how would, how's this next time you're in the alley talking to whoever these surreptitious choices are and they threatened to come and kill us why don't you tell them we'd like to see him try oh no one has said anything about killing you looting to it for the last half hour. I'm saying it now. In my experience, you've done the things that get people killed. Oh, all right.

All right. And I have not been in an alley for that reason. They have the magic alleys here. Someone whose identity I do not know walked into an alley, spoke to a brick wall and that brick wall was a brick wall to me as I sat in the other room down here. That was at age 44. Don't know that reference either.

Well let's uh. So again if you're willing to gift me this I'm showing you two maps right here that will get you treasure perhaps you'd like to come back for the large third map or I could give you the third. Okay so we're going gonna trade the scissors of Umberley the broadsword for the two maps and then we're square that's good that's good for you that's good for us. It's good for us I again we will put in our records that we owe you the specific shares you asked for. Don't run with those. The scissors. Yeah.

Especially now if you're wearing shocks. Now, got it. So we can offer you a private vault. It would be technically free of charge, but we would ask for a deposit of one. When you empty the vault, we will give the 100 gold back to to you I don't think we need it right now right we really have do we have much treasure besides the needle of Umberley which I don't know Spicoli can or actually is little keepers pipe up right away and say any of you are welcome to wield it we I think should give it to the person it's

only attunable to one person however I think we should it to the person. It's it's only tunable to one person. However, I think we should be using it right away. I see no reason to vault it up. Well, we can, you know, I'm saying that's the only thing of value, right? So we don't really need the vault. You really have a lot of other loot other than the boots, which I also think someone's about to attune to and slide on. So I think, I think what we need is to go to bed, rest and a tune and, uh,

tomorrow morning, the crack one of those maps open. Cool. He waves you inside. It is very musty down here, not gross or dirty, but you're underneath heavy stonework and stone walls underground. And so he takes you. It's like kind of like a youth hostel stone dungeon but it's decent. There are mattresses full of straw that doesn't poke through and you know yeah you're well again

free of charge. He hands you an iron key. No one comes back here standing in these walls listen. So just keep that in mind both as you speak and as you judge how safe you are. Someone is watching, someone is listening. Watching out and listening out for us. We have a visual eye on the halls, not in the room though. No but I mean we're safe. We should take from this. We have yet to have any kind of incident

in the Thieves Guild office. This guy does not want to reassure us, no matter what. All right. You do think like, oh, do an insight check and we'll wrap it up on that. 17 plus 522. He values his anonymity and doesn't want you to lord anything over him.

All right. Let's go to bed. bed let's long rest right? Long rest! And then we just need to decide who gets the boots it should probably be somebody who moves slow right? Lock the door and you think about who will get the boots and the sward between this and our next episode of Nerding Pokery. Sam what do you think? All right episode 11 we're setting up a meeting. We're going to rob Alathor's zalanox mansion. We're selling mech. We're going to trade swords for maps. We're renting a vault. Nice. Anything you want to play? Uh, I'm good right now. Just maybe hire me to be a dungeon master, do that for people. BrianPasain.com for tour dates. I've got Lewville coming up in April.

Let's pronounce Lewisville. A couple other things. And you know, Nerd Poker, there's also Grommets and rifters coming very soon in trade paperbacks. You got walls and a roof? Well- NERD POCRASM On the next Nerd Poker, a time warp sends the Nerd Poker gang back to Catch a Rising Star in the late 70s where they trash talk all the comics. Can Sam get them back before Bill Maher goes on? All this and Brian shits on the bell- NERD POCRASM On an all new Nerd Poker and you get bonus episodes from there, and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 and CINO California 91416. Thanks for listening!