Nerd Poker - The Fog Campaign - Episode 14

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

Assassin our assin! The crew hunts down, corners, and puts the smack down on this drow bounty hunter, AKA Dan's bastard of a drow #632. Hopefully he'll explain himself and we can get to our next heist! For 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker . For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com.

Our friends at Hero Forge are making custom dice. Contribute to the Kickstarter now through April 4th for your chance to get rewards like... Early access to Dice Maker, a standard or XL D20, a regular mini, statuette or prototype, Ultra HD Mini. Or even design your own decal, handheld item or outfit to be added to Hero Forge. Check the link in our bio and our social media. The Hero Forge custom dice Kickstarter ends when, Blaine? April 4th! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

So what, so should they hurry? Yeah, hurry! Oh God, hurry! Hey, it's Brian Poseyne, nerd poker. We're calling it The Fog Campaign. My friends are here, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course our kick-ass DM Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerdpoker! Hey everybody, it's Brian Bissett and you're listening to Nerdper episode 14 of the Fog Campaign. And it's been good times. Let's just jump back in.

My friends are here. Chris, Blank, Ken, Dan. Hey, pals. Hi, hi. Hello. Hi. And as always at the end of the table, Sam. Hello, sweet children.

We should thank some people. We should. I'm going to go ahead and thank some people specifically. One is that are. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Distracted. No, forget it. OK, it's really easy to distract me. It's more when it's a lot terrifying. I'm just like blame. Willie's in the room.

There now she's gone. I sent a present. Thank some people. Some people named Scott Dyer. Thank you Scott. Thank you. Zach Clerk. Thank you, Ben. Thank you. Xylophone Skellington. Thank you, Zach Clerk. Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Xylophone Skellington. Thank you, Immortan Garb.

Thank you, Drew Hugh, Booid fan. Thank you, Reverend Yorick. Thank you, Sean McCoy. Thank you, Dil Lillie, two ladies. Thank you, Teachers Talking Teaching. Thank you, eight, no, excuse me, nine, LK. Thank you, talking teaching. Thank you eight no excuse me nine LK. Thank you the random or thanks I'd like to cut off your jib. Thank you Kelsey Roth. Thank you for nice guys a girl and a pizza place called Paladino's. Thank

you hit it and quit itch. And finally thank you 36 24 38 only if she's 5'3 and has two fingers of her. This is a rest. Flynn who are those people brought to us by? Brought to us by Fermentos, the drunk maker, and American Candle Company. Cover it with the smell of that huge shit you just left in there with an American candle. Over 50 fragrances to try to erase the big green stink lines coming off the huge length of dirty spine you just crimped off in the reading room. American Candle Company. Dan. I hope you're not eating, Wissner. Trying to enjoy your lunch break. Blaine's going on and on about a big piece of shit. Oh boy. Well, I didn't do it. Well, it's time for me to pinch one off and get this started.

It's an episode of Merry Valkar. Here's what happened last time. You guys chased the assassin to Zalac's manor where first he shot one of the security guards hired in your stead, and he's currently lying in a bloody pile at the front gate. Meanwhile, Ken had an arcane eye spying on him and it flew up to attack. We had Twidden cast Misty Step to grab the edge of the roof to pull himself up. We've got Siam who silently scurried up the back and we have Spicoli right behind him climbing up.

Little Peepers is somewhere across the street perhaps on a rooftop. And right now I'm gonna have everybody roll for initiative. You're gonna love because I'm using this piranha mini that all kinds of drought things will be happening. They'll all be moving a little trio of piranhas around. It's a great time. Six. Seventeen. It's pretty good. Twenty. Oh, no, ten, sorry. 17. It's pretty good. 20.

Oh, no, 10, sorry. Sorry to laugh, but that's just... 23, but I cast Gift of Alacrity on myself, which I believe... And forgive me for not having it. Here we go. I get to add a D8 to my initiative roll. You don't say.

Because I'm so magically quick. Six. So what was that? That was, sorry, 17 plus 23 plus 29. Thank you for apologizing. All right. 29. It's going to put you at the top of the turn order, followed by little peepers of 20.

Shaloba, the 17, Joffrey Spicoli with 10, Siam Spade of the six and the nameless thus far assassin with a five. We should name him. How about. He has a name, but you don't know it yet. If you ever will. But we can have a temporary name.

Brian, what is our, do you think that this guy has like a temporary name? He has a ponytail. He's got all those, like you said, Deadpool pockets all over his. Somebody call him like a Harry Potter name earlier. Malfoy? Yeah, he's a Malfoy.

Cool Malfoy. Cool Malfoy, fun. Great. And so he's at a five, you said, in the initial? Yeah, and you're at a 29 up top. So first it's you, you're gripping and you had talked about. Yeah, I would like to... Movement? Get myself up onto the roof because I was...

I assume still hanging by my hands, right? Yes, and because you had to roll a dexterity saving throw to not fall off the roof, I am gonna make you roll an athletics check or an acrobatics check. Your choice, DC12 to pull yourself up. I bet I do have a preference. Or a big potato after 4 p.m. Okay, acrobatics plus six, athletics plus three. I'll try with acrobatics if that's all right with you.

Yeah, it'll have a little bit of English on it. Great, so 12 plus six, 18. Easily beat the 12 and you're on the roof. Great, so would you call that movement? Yeah, I would call that half your movement. Okay, great. So I'm gonna cast. Willie now. She's like, but I can get off the table and-

She's really going after Chris. She's giving me so many kisses. Chris has the shiniest dye. They look delicious. They do. I'm gonna cast greater invisibility no you're not I'm sorry just on myself so I disappear okay that counts as an action so I will then maybe use half my memory, reigning half of movements to get a little bit kind of behind

him so as to get kind of trying to get 50, 50, still some distance between us, not directly behind it, but yeah, I want to try and sneak so I get him between me and Ken when the moment comes and you're invisible and and I have a bonus action greater invisibility right I did say greater invisibility I'm not gonna use it because my thing is a if I whisper I feel like if I whisper I'm giving away the fact that I just made myself invisible so I'm not gonna the fact that I just made myself invisible.

So I'm not going to do my bonus action. That's it. Lil Peepers is going to be using his turn out of everyone's visual range. Shalab, you're up. Well, what the hell? I'm just going to cast another tag. I wish you would. This one will be, let's see, with ranges and this stuff. Nobody has. I will cast a Sorcerer's Burst.

Ooh! What's that look like? That is, depending on what I pick, Acid Cold, Fire, Lightning, Poison, Psychic, or Thunder damage. That sounds deck-savvy. That is... Is this a spell attack? Yeah. That's just an attack.

Spell attack? Yep. Okay. I think I've used this before. It's my... Oh, it sounds... Oh, I think I've heard of it. Oh, that's a leopard.

That'll be a miss. Boots are a plus eight to me. This game is so fun except for dice rolls. Yeah, those suck. Speaking of which, it's your turn, Brian. When they're bad dice rolls. Joshri Spicoli. Hey, I know that day.

So you need another athletics check to get up the side of the building. Okay. You're climbing pipes and bricks. The guidance that you can throw in there. BARTIC inspiration. A smaller one. And guidance as well. Yeah.

And the guidance is D for the D four. So 13 plus is athletics. Yep. So 16 and then I can roll a D4. You can. Would you like to? I would like to. Let's go for it. Is it 16 so far?

Mm-hmm. Oh, that's not D4. Oh, shit. Why is it smaller four sides, Brian? You're looking for a six, Ken. Looks like a pyramid. Ken, I wrote the double four. I wrote the eight.

What's a double four? Keep the cows in. Ooh. I got a four. Nice. Nice, nice. So does it take you to 20? 20, please. All Alright, that'll get you to the top of the roof. You're now here. The roof? It's on fire actually. Literally. There's been fire bolts and explosions.

I don't think we need some water. You could, I don't know. What are you going to call me when you tell me this next part? It's a motherfucking brick. Oh no! So this is raised up. This is a slope you can't see over here yet. And you've used all your movement to climb up, you know, 15 feet vertically. So you're here. Are you gonna prep anything? Me? Yeah, you want to hold an action? It's unlikely, you know. Do I see the guy? Uh, no. I was trying to describe, but like, is it the, that the peak of the building is between him? Like imagine it's, yeah, it's like, it's like this. Okay.

And that's as far as I can get with this action. Yeah. You've used your movement claim. You can bonus action dash as a thief. What I'm gonna do, I'm gonna draw my short bow and then as I get, as I sneak up and get him into focus, I'll snipe off a shot with the next round. We will call that holding your action too, in case he appears. Yeah, exactly. You got it readied.

Yeah. Siam Spade, you're up. Oh, I am? Yeah. I'm going to sort of try to come up from the back. Gentle. I'm gonna stay hidden over the top until I can peek my head over and get an eye on him. Do we leave her be?

And then I'm going to hit him with a fire bolt. All right. You know, mine is. Oh, I'm great. Well, he's clearly likes you, so. Hey, she likes you. She's so sweet. 14 plus six is a 20. Oh, that's a hit.

Nice. And I do 2D 10. Fire damage. Nine plus two is 11. Jeez. So, even with a fire bolt. And then I'm going to, I'm going to duck back down. Got it.

Can I get a stealth check? Sure, why not? 16 plus 12. Great. Yeah, I mean, the way you do it, he doesn't even see you before you duck. So he's not sure where it came from 100%. Ken, I think, I think Lane just rolled a 50.

I don't know what's happening. It's crazy. Now the drow's turn. It's like. It's like 48 with 2d10 of your They killed her. And that's going to do it for his turn. Up next. How is he doing a blink? Going to be twiddin. Uh, with my passive perception, which is a 20, can I see, did he with my passive perception, which is a 20, can I see that he

bamf somewhere or is he possibly still standing there, but invisible just like me? Um, he definitely went out of your visual range. Right. So can the perception won't so much be it, but if you do an insight check, sure. It'll what's your passive insight actually? Passive insight is 16. Oh not quite but yeah roll an insight check and if you can get an 18 you'll kind of guess what he was doing. Okay so my bonus is 6 15 plus 6 21. Yeah yeah he was doing some kind of short range

teleportation spell probably over the front of the building is the only place that you guys wouldn't have eyes on him. Like that thing? Yeah. Like down to the ground or across? Based off of Chris's insight, Chris, you think he either landed here or he's clinging to the side of the building or he's falling, one of those things.

Look for fingers, look for fingers. Can I come back to the edge where I was and do I get a line of sight on those things? He is standing right here. Okay. Uh, that is, you know, 10 feet down. But I've lied in the sign. Yeah. Cool.

Um, uh, because I'm invisible, does that make sense that I would and a sign on it. Yeah. Cool. Because I'm invisible, does that make sense that I would have advantage on my attack? That's a great question. I feel like it must've come up before. Let's see. Yeah, you have the high ground. You would have it anyway, because you're on high ground. Great.

Ken is right. So, Ken, does that mean I get super advantage? Yes, I know everything about D&D. Oh, really? Yep. Coming out of invisibility is also a good essay. Okay. Double advantage won't mean you hit him. Unfortunately.

Being a goon. All right. So I'm going to try and fire at him. I'm going to try and fire at him. Being a goon. All right, so I'm gonna try and fire at him. I'm gonna try and fire at him also using a fire bolt. Okay, you know what I'm gonna do? Maybe I'll do this more often. Because you have double advantage, a crit is a 19. Oh, that'd be fun. A two, though, that's...

That's a good one. Here, blow on the die. Thank you. She's very smart. She can take that if she can. Oh, and a four. All right, so four plus nine, 11, no, 13. That is a miss, unfortunately.

Probably use a squirrel dice again. All right, I will, I believe I'm, now I believe because of this greater invisibility, I still have, I'm still invisible. That's a great question that I believe I'm now I believe because this greater invisibility I still have I'm still invisible. That's a great question that I believe is the answer is yes. I'm just gonna have for this. Okay, I have it here.

I plus I cast it. I should. The weirdest thing about this podcast is knowing that everyone listening is pausing it to Google the answer and then starting it again. Why doesn't Telfer? No, it's a concentration up to one minute. Yeah. That's the part of greater.

So attacking or something doesn't take me out of it. All right. So I will keep my invisibility, uh, but call out to everyone down a floor friends, whatever the, what is this thing called? I want to, down on the landing. There is a small stone railing that goes around here and a couple of chairs,

but everything's kind of like knocked over from the explosion. Okay. Plus I would imagine my firebolt, even though it missed, I would imagine people would at least see where the firebolt exploded to indicate where. Yeah. Speaking of which, is it the end of your turn?

That's me, friend! Oh right, it's now time for Lil Peepers, who is on a roof across the street and grateful to have the enemy pointed out to him via firebolts and calling out. Yeah, there's a huge puff of smoke on the roof. I'll say. Oh, so 19 hits. He hits. Good crow. He thunks.

You're the new showdown. Right into him for 30 points of damage. Oh! It's right into his neck. When you just see him grab his neck and wince, uncharacteristically for the lack of facial expressions that he has had, he's really took a hard shot there. And guess what?

Little Peepers can do that again. So... Baby Elephant Walk. He had really good position, but you guys did a great job of strategizing, so he's kind of surrounded all of a sudden. So here we go. And I'll do this in D&D Beyond this time

for accountability's sake, because that's fun to me. So 28 to hit. Golly. Another 21 points of damages. He nails him with another bolt. Wow. Bet you this guy I'll think twice

before he comes around here for his sex. Oh, that's definitely why he was here what did he hit? Lil Peeper shot the Drow Assassin Deadpool Deadpool Malfoy Deadpool Malfoy Shlobs up

Boogity boogity boogity boogity Let's see Will he be gentle? Will he be sweet? This time I will use my Okay. Really be gentle. Feel sweet. Really be sweet. This time I will use my chromatic orb. Bumble, bumble. And let's see, does that affect?

So just a cast. Okay. Targets spell attack. I will choose free will poison why not okay roll the spell be so casual 19. To hit. Finally. You got us. Let's see. 19 points of damage. Poison kind. He gags as it smashes in him. You're standing on his neck, Ken. Yeah, I am. That's taken a lot of damage. He's taken 81 points. Jesus. His lips is Chris's You know she'd be so sweet. Anything else, Shalob? Uh, no. Spicoli. Spicoli.

You can run up the roof and start firing if you want. Yeah, I want to. Alright, so you head up, roll to fire an arrow, which I believe is what you said you wanted to do. Oh my god! Crank with a physical die in front of a group of people. That's what the game is about. Yeah, so good. Now you like the dice.

Plus seven. I definitely hit, but also you get to double your dice damage. Oh, and is there a percentile, is there a crit hit chart or something too? Maybe. Thank you for reminding me. Sure. Brian, before you roll your damage, can you do me a favor and roll 100? Oh, yeah. He's getting fucked up. That's a great excuse to bust out the old crit table. You know what I'm saying, Sam?

You know, Chris is saying when he suggested it, it's great idea. What's what's it with that? When it's 10, is that now? No, that's that world's wrong thing. No one knows. It might be seven. What is that? That is a 12. So we will not be going for a bonus of that. I think, but let me just check my actual cause I have the actual table.

It's just the loading. So, uh, yeah. So there's just not going to be a bonus to that. So yes, please roll to damage your arrow and double the die damage. Okay. This is awesome. So eight and four is 12. All right. Does he die horribly?

I wish he would. It's very rude. Maybe some of Ken's ass and spills out of the wound that Spicoli made. It's like, cool. You should make that into a skateboard deck. Siam, you're up. I'm going to lean over the top of the roof and fire bolt him. Yes. Roll the bolt. Roll the bolt. 13 plus 619.

Do you fire bolt too? Seven. All right. I'd love to see him die. Can I get you? Nope. But I was going to have you do this. Let's see. Right now, he, and by the way, you're here now. You had to run down the edge to shoot him.

Same with you, Brian. And I will. And I'm all like, whee, you're flying. I'll pull back again. And I will. I'm all like, wait, are you flying? Are you flying? I'll pull back again. Can I get an insight check for everybody?

Everybody. 12 plus 10, 22. That's a natural 20. Holy cats. Which makes it 27. Nice. I got a very supportive 11. Wow. Did you roll your incentive?

This many. Okay. Well, if you beat a 20, I got three, Louie. You can tell he's only maybe gonna take two or three more hits and this guy's done. So if you wanted to grill him for Intel You're he's about to get wasted

All right, he's trying to escape clearly but yeah gun Whose turn is it? It's his turn So he is now taking I'm just having Insight check as he's gonna try to drop out of sight All right, he casts darkness. Oh, freezing me. And so he runs out to the edge and just a shroud of magic blackness all around him. It's gonna be really difficult to follow him in that 15 foot radius sphere and he's kind of jumping off the edge of the roof into it so the only person who can

get an immediate look at it is Peepers. Actually I'll do it on his character sheet so it's on there. So Peepersworld is a 14. Not enough to really catch a glimpse, but he's out of eyesight again. So he cast darkness and jumped into it or he cast darkness and... Okay. He ran to the edge, cast darkness and straight down. Good. So up next is gonna be Twidden. I can't see him, right?

Uh, no. All right, I will... He's... He dropped down here. This is the ground. And I've not seen from my vantage point, I've not seen him come around the corner. It's rubble and fire coming out over here.

And not he he was not in it. There is this edge of the second floor in the way jumped into the darkness. So you can roll to do something to get closer, but from that angle you would not have had, I might not have. I'm going to, who has bardic inspirations? But Coley has it, who else is right there? Sam Spade, I'm going to strum on my loot

and give Sam Spade also bardic inspiration. So now you've got to D eight to add to a role for the next 10 minutes. Wow. Nice. Yeah. I guess I will run up. Can I run up and join the group? Yeah.

Even though I'm invisible and join the group? Yeah. Even though I'm invisible and say, guys, it's me, I'm invisible, it's cool. I just came from the right and I didn't see him come around the corner there. So he's either staying there or he's coming around and I'll point past the shalab and say, we should go that way, we should maybe look over there.

Meaning, yes, that's it. Okay. It's going to bring us a little peepers. Who's going to, I'm sorry. It's an action. I should have said this. I'm holding an attack, a rail like fire bolt. If I see something. Got it. Just as a reminder though, you guys standing in place where you are, and I know you just ran, I'm not like trying to razz you or some junk, but like, it all goes about like this far. Little Peepers is way over here and like, this is another roof edge

that's gonna keep you from having eye line here. You're gonna have to get to the edge here to be able to see around. Otherwise this is blocking you from seeing where he dropped with darkness. Does that make sense? Yes. And Lil Peepers is gonna run to try to just like go back and forth and get an eyeline on him. 17.

That should be... What if we climb to the top of the candle so we can see him? That's a great idea. We should start the top of the candle so we can see. That's a great. We should start on top of the candle next time. Well, Peepers can't get an eye on him, but he's going to hold his action. That means we're going to Shalab. I'm going to fly over here. Throw your mini halfway across.

Try to get a see what. Yeah, perception check, please. All right. Don't put it on top of him. halfway across. I try to get a... Yeah, perception check, please. All right. No, don't put it on top of him. Well, that's a... Watch. Yeah, I mean, you just stare into the darkness and it stares back at you.

So, no visual. Can I cast a spell? Of course. Dispel magic. Go to the darkness. That's right. It's just him. This is the drow hiding in there.

It's just dinky drow darkness. So yeah, she's so excited. You now see him. Oh, where is he? He's at home the whole time. He's got his back like against the bush. You think he's probably planning to whole time, Ken. He's got his back, like, against the bush. You think he's probably planning to scramble up it. What a dork.

All right, I point at him. His eyes get real big. And the darkness is now gone as well, so. But it is his old friend. Hopefully it will come back to him. All right. Do we have line of sight on him now from where we are? No, just him right now because he's flying getting an eyeline. Little peepers can see him also just

barely like his elbow is sticking out but right now everyone else who's right here cannot see Cause this isn't a way to call Europe. Okay. Um, sorry. Don't be sorry. To be sorry. Who's down there? What? Any of the pieces on the roof across the way. Nobody's down here. I'm fine. I got you can move forward and get a line of sight on him.

Yeah. I want to look forward at least. So you hop down. You can get right here and get it. I mean, you see him. Oh, I get. So you can get a line of sight on him now. You can shoot.

Okay, cool. Fireball. Okay. So you can get a line of sight on him now you can shoot. Okay cool. So spell attack. And one and two. Two. You guessed. Damn it. And a 19, that's a 20. Brian, you're supposed to use your powers for good.

Oh, what can I... What did you... Plus an eight. Bartek inspiration is left, right? With a maybe... The guidance is the DA, right? Yeah. Bartek inspiration is the DA. I was right the first time. Did I waste it on this or no? No, not if you know you're gonna... If you only have a two, the best you can get is a DA. I was right the first time. No, not if you know you're gonna if you

leave a two and the best you can get is a ten. What did you roll? Yeah, I had a two. Total with the bonus. Oh eight with the bone. Oh so if you rolled an eight the best you get is a 16. Yeah. It would not. Okay never mind that. He has a 17 AC on both spoil. Say something, make him feel bad. Jump on it. I can't, don't have a bonus action. You've got your cruel surfer mouth. I've got a brain crafted by a hobbit weed. Yeah, like you could use it.

That's all I could do. You could, you could use it to dash, which I would give you to like, you could just scramble down the front of the building. Oh, I'll do that. Okay. So you can get right next to him, but do you want to get far enough away where there's like five feet between you? Okay.

Done. So, Simon Spade, you're up. I'm going to scramble down the side. No, you can't do it. It's too hard. Really? Yeah. Can I jump and do the thing where I... You start to jump and realize Dan's bullshitting you. Yeah. I'm going to do a cat land on top of the the roof and then sort of

move over to where I can see him. Do you want to kind of get in the spot where Spicoli just was right here? Yes. Okay. Do you see him? Okay. He's very exposed with his darkness having been dispelled. Okay. Did his pants fall off? I'm gonna hit him with a web. Do I need to, uh, that's a spell attack, right? Web. I think so. I, I, that might actually be a deck safe. Hang on.

And the web is wiener. That's... Why would you say something so dumb? Give me your sticky. I'm gonna conjure a mass of thick, sticky webic. Ugh. I'm gonna catch him. Get kids. Now it's a Patreon episode, guys.

Uh-oh. When he starts his turn, he rolls a deck save. Okay. So I'm just gonna hit him with a hit him with a web. All right. Not on his eyes though. Anything else? I think that's I think that's it. I'm gonna kind of try to duck back behind the roof in case he wants to, if he, just in case he does

some sort of reverse attack. He's going to try to book it out of there and this is his duck save. It's going to be 25. Ow! For fuck's sake, Dan! He's going to get into the street. The street?

And get an eye line on Siam. Eye line? He's gonna pivot and fire a hand crossbow bolt. Jesus. This is six. 15 to hit. 14, Aqua Class. Oof. Oh, shit.

All right. Six points of piercing damage. I can roll a Constitution saving throw also. For drought poison. 15 plus 2, 17. That is a success. You shake off the drought poison. Nice.

Let's go. that is a success you shake off the drought poison nice yeah twin you're up um I have a reaction can I do a reaction to try and help my friend Siam to that attack I'm sorry I'm just looking it up as I'm seeing it I have a reaction called silvery barbs as a reaction I can magically distract the triggering creature the assassin who's shooting at Sam and turn it's momentary uncertainty into encouragement for another creature the triggering creature must reroll the d20 so basically I'm giving him disadvantage you rolled the same thing never mind sorry son of a shit all Oh, but then I there's

another part. Well, I then choose a different creature you can see within range. The chosen creature is advantage on the next role. Who you giving it to? I will give it because he was trying to shoot at the Siam. I'll give Siam advantage on the next thing. All right. His next whatever, two attack roll. Sorry, so that's my reaction. Hey, could I also use an uncanny dodge to take half damage?

Attacker, I can see- Just take three damage? Yeah. Yeah, all right, cool. All right, for my move, I will charge forward. I will charge forward. So do I have line of sight on him now that he's out in the street? You do. Great. Still being invisible, would you say I still have advantage?

Yeah, and you're high ground too. Cool, cool. All right. So I can try and shoot it with my fire bolt. Yeah, do it. Two. shoot it with my fire bolt. Yeah, do it. To 18. So 18 plus 927. Oh, my God. What's my fire? 2d 10. Thank you, Blaine. Three and 1013. Three and 1013. Slams into his back.

There's a bang noise. He's starting to look really bad. I thought he only had a couple of points left. Now he looks super bad. I said he could take two to three more hits and this was the first hit. Oh, I said points. No, no, no hits. We still see his wiener though. It's burned's burned off and it's it's flapping around.

His wiener is really fucked up too. Oh really? Yeah. I don't know. He scraped it on the ground. It's like a star nose mole. Like it looks like one of those octopus. Doon sandworm popcorn buckets.

Oh gosh. All right. So yeah, he's got. corn buckets. Oh gosh. All right. So yeah, he's got less than a third of his health left. Great. And it is now time for Lil Peeps. He's got a great line of sight on him so he gets advantage. Yeah. That's very much a hit. Let's finish it. Is that 28 to hit?

24 points of piercing damage. Oh Jesus. Oh why did he dip that arrow in healing potion? Okay. Who shot that? Little peepers and he's gonna try one more time. Oh my God. It's another hit.

Oh my God. Ken, are you okay? Oh my God. Somebody help Ken. Guys. Ken's in a loop. I'm killing this bird. 22 points. Guys. Ken's in a loop. Killing this poor, 22 points. Assassin.

So he has less than 10 hit points left. Oh, shit. I'm saying this because Lil Peepers would be curious about interior to this guy, but if you hit him again, he's down. We can call though non-fatal, right? If we're trying to just like, with the intention. The trick with non-fatal is you can only do it with like a bludgeoning okay or an unarmed

kind of an attacker or you know what I mean like force damage if it's if it cuts him there can be enough complications from the wound that he would still die okay okay that's how I play it anyway. We got a bludgeon in. Who's that? Can't we just grab him? Is it me? You can throw a rock at him. Yeah.

Yeah, I just, I already- He's fast though. I think I'm up. Yeah? Yep. I'm gonna cast Command. Okay. Nice.

What do you Command him to do? And he does a chrism? Die. Die, Harley. No, no. No, no. Get, no, no. I don't want. Tell him to put his pants back on.

Gravel. Blasphemy. Alright, so what's the save? Wisdom, I think. 17 wisdom. Time to roll that whiz with his weenie out. You heard me. That is gonna be 23.

Son of a bingo. Anything else? I'm going to just drop down on him if I can't stand on him. Stop flapping. Stop flapping, stop trapping. Do you want to try to grapple him or are you just trying to do damage? No, I want to grapple him. All right.

Here's what I'm going grapple him. All right. Here's what I'm gonna say. Yes. You're gonna get an automatic success for just bumping into him and being on top of him. Cause you can just flood into him, but you don't have an action to grapple. So right now you're like smushed against him and he's gonna get, because you already used your action,

he's gonna get a chance to try to push you off, but you can contest it. Okay. Up next is a jaw free spigil. Yeah, I have very low strength. Um, now you could use cunning action to dash, catch up to him, and then do some kind of attack. Okay. He's close enough that, but you'd have to use a dash to get to him. He's, this is not quite the scale right now. He's like all the way down here. And so, but I'm on him. Yeah.

Yeah. He's, you just mushed into him and he might fall over soon. Because you're pressing into each other. Yeah. I can feel his stubble against my cheek. Yeah, I can feel it. Yeah, and his wiener against your thigh because he's not wearing pants. That's really super harsh.

Which now is like getting a massage at the mall kiosk. Kill touch. Does anyone have a towel? Kill, right? Kill. It is called kill touch. No, chill touch. Chill touch. Yeah.

It would potentially kill. Yeah. Okay. So what if he would do a con save to not die? Can you grapple him? Bludgeon him? I'm going to grapple him. Yeah.

Grapple him. Okay. Strength. That's just a dark deep this guy. He rolled super low. That's just a strength roll? Yeah. He got a five. Can you beat a five? Yes you can. He did it. He did it. You got him grappled. Cool. Cool, that'll take us to Siam Spade. He's grappled. I'm gonna...

I don't know what to do. I guess I'll go up and help. And tear again. You can't quite get to him unless you have a bonus action dash thing or you use dash for your action. I can dash up there. Okay. So you... what are you going to do? Who are you? How did you get in here? Intimidation check.

14 plus... wait, did you say intimidation? Yeah, there's no persuading someone you've just... 14, 14 plus 5 a life or death fight. 14, 14 plus 5, 19. He spits this really viscous wad of blood in your face. Just slaps against your cheek. Gross. But also romantic.

It is now his turn. He's going to try to break out Brian. So if you could roll a strength check, please. Yeah, 12 can be a 12. Yeah, plus three of us. Oh, he's gonna break free. I have no grip on him whatsoever. I just, I just, I'm smooshed on him. Uh, yeah, you would have had to wait. If I rolled an eight, would that help?

I'm going to give you advantage because Shalhoub is literally on top of him. Okay. So you can roll a second time. Shalhoub is a natural handle by which I might be able to grab it. I'm pumping my hips. Balls. Okay. No, not as balls.

I mean, I guess that was a work. We'll call it a low roll. The Brian can say it would be a little, it actually, it would be easier to hold on to like, cause you know, they would have be harder to pull out. He's slipping out of your grip. I'm just grabbing. But isn't the prone command still? Oh, no, it didn't work. He is now going to.

I fucked it up. This is impossible, this guy. Hey, whoa, what the? We're on the corner. We're now going to have it. We're going to get rid of the roof, man. And we're going to say the map. You guys are here. And he just went around a quarter where that away.

He's good. There's an alley here. There's an alley here. I'm gonna chase him. You wish. First it's Wooden. First it's Chris. Alright, I will, yeah, I'll run. I guess I will use my action to dash. So, I don't know how far that gets me. You were still on the roof, right?

Yes. So, it'll get you right up with everybody else just maybe like 10 feet behind. Oh okay and then I will hold I will hold an attack if he comes into sight that's all I can do. Okay. Little peepers. He's going to dash with his bonus action and get an actual eyeline on this guy. He's going to try to jump off the roof and just thud on him and grapple him like Shalab did, except this time he'll have an action. So he'll actually be able to troll. This slippery customer.

Will keepers rolls an 8, which is not great, It's a sneak attack. And so he is going to use trip. So the other guy not the drought not only has to roll against it. Oh shit. Okay. They're tied. So roll off again. Little peepers crits.

I always goes to the peepers. Got him in a low roll on the deck save. He also just thuds to the ground. He trips him. Hey peeps. Nice. He's got him, he dies from the impact. Something else before me, I'm sure.

Got him pinned. And that'll bring us to the, do do do do do, shallap I'm gonna fly over there. Okay, you're gonna get 60 feet press up against them again I mean, it's gonna get just close enough that they can feel his body work Now I'm going to try to Let's see So are you dashing? I'm flying 60 60 okay so yeah you can get right you can get within reach yeah so I'm gonna try to go so you can try to grab him so get him double restrained yeah all right he's gonna well he's

already restrained that's right he is you but you can also just punch him in the back of the neck no no I don't want, I don't want to hurt him. I want to ask him who's saying it. You can help if you help. He's fucked. Help him. Little peepers. If I help little peepers, he's fucked. If you help little peepers grapple this guy, there's no way he's going to break out of it.

Unless he tries really. Yeah, I'll help him and say, who's saying it. I feel like Dan's trying to turn Ken into fucking little peepers Fuck a little bit really gross just like Season 7 is little master make it creepy You guys traces dick half elephant half halfling got Dan Telford big trouble Yeah, it's the ality intimidation check all right trouble

19 My god Uhhhh...19. Oh my god. He crits. You did? Yeah. Spits blood in your face. Ew. Mmm.

10 didn't crit, the drow crit it. I wrote a 19 year old at 20. That's what a crit means, it's 20. What? Thank you. I know a lot about D&D. Oh. All right, that means it is time for Joffery. What you gonna do, Joff?

What you gonna do? Go AWOL. You run around the corner? Every quote is a Beastie Boys song somewhere. Well, I think it's booty. Booty. Booty. One, two, three. Okay.

How far is he? Where am I? You're going to be able to round the corner and you see Little peepers and shalab have him pinned to the ground. Okay, they're making fudge You're doing a rocking h Well making a mare tight Do I just interrogate or enjoy? Yeah, try good Yeah, it's an intimidation. What do you ask him? What else do we get from him earlier?

Nothing yet, right? He's spitting blood. His name. He hasn't said a word. If you're lucky, he'll spit a big wad of blood in your face. Okay. This is, this could only go two ways. Either you got this.

Yeah. Either you tell us who you are or you don't and you die here. Oh man. Oh man. Your character says that a lot too. Oh man. Looks like it's time for another blood wash. You have some blood spat in your face. Where's he getting all this blood?

His body. It's running out. All right, Siam, your turn. I'm going to... We're just trying to talk to somebody for God's sake. Yeah, I'm going to go up and just say, do the claws to the neck and say, who sent you, who are you, who sent you? Intimidation check. 47. 17. you say intimidation 4717 I want to claw the neck so bad he's so close to dying

you could probably do it yeah but that's your turn all right he, this is just silly at this point. We should tickle him. If we tickle him, he'll... Oh. Look at this fart. If you tickle me, I punch. I can't help it. Really?

Yes, I'm very ticklish. And you punch. I punch. I'm going to need a Constitution saving throw from Lil Peepers, Spicoli, and Shalob. Whoa. Whoa. That's the triple botch. A fail from Lil Peepers.

I'm going to reroll that. Take a look. Ha ha! luck. Same thing. Seven. Yeah, this is it. Yeah, mine's low. Eight. All right. What was yours, Ken? Seven. Okay, so it's three fails. He opens his mouth, and a rush

of locusts fly out of it and start attacking the three of you. What the hell? Is this guy the mummy? I should have clawed his neck. Yeah. I mean, Steven Summers. Oh, and Blaine.

Yeah, I forget you're right there too. You please roll a constitution saving throw. 17. OK. That is going to be a success. So you'll be able to dive backwards, I think. Let's see. Damn it.

Yeah, I can do it on a candy dodge. Well, we can. You've got this guy already. Well we're trying to get info out of him. So that's gonna be... What if we all just keep saying friendship to him over and over? Twenty points of piercing damage to you three. Each? Yes. Locust piercing damage? Holy shit.

You just hear this like completely impossibly loud buzzing, your vision blurred by all the insects. 20? Yep. 20 piercing each. Can I tell you just how much rebuke? Yeah! Where is it? Burn him. I used Hellish Rebuke. Yeah. Where is it? Burn him, probably under features and traits. Or reactions. If you're looking under actions. You point your finger in the creature.

The damage you was momentarily surrounded by Hellish flames. They must make a dexterity saving throw. You gonna do it? With my Hellish Rebuke? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. He's gonna roll disadvantage because he is restrained.

So that is going to be a... One second. This may kill him. Can you pull it back? An 11. That's a fail, right? An 11 on his deck save? Yeah. Okay. So what happens now? He takes... 12d12.

2d10 fire damage. Jesus. I might not kill him, but it's probably going to kill him. He did 2d10 fire damage. Jesus. So, I have- I might not tell him, but it's probably gonna tell him. Nine. How would you like to see him die? By telling us who he is. I'll tell you what. If you-

He's choking out of confession. I can bind him. He's- That's true. You could bind his wounds really quickly and do it. So you're gonna do that? You're gonna just like toast him and then- Yeah.

Put a bomb on him. Wrap it in a nice package. How are you gonna tie him up? You mean to secure him or to bind him? With his sex pouches. Yeah, of course. He's covered in pouches. I'm gonna take his sex pouches.

We can talk about how you will restrain the, I guess, one zero hit point. Zero over one. I'll have to decide on our next episode. Zero zero. Excellent. Sam you are. Catch you later. Episode 14. Hey, little peepers bolted the knife guy in the neck.

Somebody came sticky webs. And if you get that one. Somebody rolled their with their wiener out. Ken killed the knife man but just barely. God damn. Greased pig this guy. Danny, anything you want to... No thank you. I've got uh, tornadoes and um, I think this is gonna be after wonder call, but if not, come to WonderCon and see me. If this is after, I hope you had a fun time at WonderCon. Oh my gosh. All the cosplay, Brian, that you saw at WonderCon.

That was great. Oh my gosh. The one guy. Sergio Aragonis. That was amazing. Oh, wow. He told me. He's got his boats. He is nice. Incredibly silly as a human being. That was amazing. Oh, wow. He told me. He's glad his boat's. He is nice. Yeah. And incredibly silly as a human being. Yeah. And, um, RIFTRS, dramas, and live standup.

RyanPerson.com. That's it. Blaine. We attribute the success of Save Mankind from the Dead. Blaine. We attribute the success saved mankind from... Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well...

On the next Nerd Poker, an exorcism goes wrong and the Nerd Poker gang has to find a way out before they get any exercise. Can Sam get his shirt on, load up his car, stop at McDonald's and get there in time? All this and Brian sits on his tubular balls wrong. I'll follow you nerd poker. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 and CINO California 91416. Thanks for listening. Oh! Spill it out!

Are you good? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Keep all this.