Nerd Poker - The Fog Campaign - Episode 26

Episode Date: July 1, 2025

The whole town of Dellsmouth is starting to feel abandoned, which makes petty crimes a lot less fun. So it's time to talk to the Mayor of Dellsmouth about the serial killer, a nervous gnome whose home... might be haunted. Probably super chill, let's create a forced interrogation environment with him! For 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker . For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, it's Brian Postain, nerd poker. We're calling it The Thug Campaign. My friends are here, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, of course our kick-ass DM Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey everybody. Really? Yeah because I just like to surprise. That's blame. But you'll meet him in a minute. Forget that you heard him. I'm forget. So what is a big surprise?
Starting point is 00:00:52 When you have to do something for. What? I didn't even get high between episodes. Not too late. My friends are here. We're about to do a nerd poker. Episode 26 of the fog campaign. And we just did 25. And that's what comes after. To elbow drop.
Starting point is 00:01:16 Chris is here. Hey, how are you? Hey, we're doing it in person to not zoom. Ken's here. Hi, I'm looking forward to meeting Blaine. Blaine's right here. Hey, Blaine. It's me, Blaine. Oh, Gilbert. Dan's here.
Starting point is 00:01:37 Glavin. Running the show from the cool part of town. Roman's daddy, everybody's favorite. Sam, everybody. Hello, sweet children. I don't think you like being called Robin's daddy. No, I didn't. No. Oh, oh.
Starting point is 00:01:59 It's like moms that get mad. I'm not just Kevin's mom. I'm a lady. I'm a person. How do you feel about for baby is full on Kevin's mom. Full on Kev's mom. Got it going on. It's wrong, son.
Starting point is 00:02:19 Kevin's mom has got it going on. Oh, boy. I'm a bright song. Pauline. That Halloween special is crazy. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. I need to bust that out for Halloween again. I love putting that on the TV when friends are over.
Starting point is 00:02:35 People are like, what the fuck? Kiss and make up. Thank you. Oh, I met my agent, Margaret Hamilton. You want to thank some people? I will thank some people. Just trying to draw a slightly larger version of a map that may or may not come up this episode. Folks, if you are listening, we love you.
Starting point is 00:02:56 If you support us, we love you. If you support us at the top two tiers on Nerdpoker's Patreon, you get a shout out. And some of those folks have usernames like Sean McCoy. Thank you, Sean McCoy. Thank you, Dil Lill Lee, two ladies. Thank you, Teachers Talking Teaching. Thank you, 9LK. Thank you, The Rendemore.
Starting point is 00:03:18 Thank you, I'd like to cut off your jib. Thank you, Kelsey Roth. Thank you, Four Nice Guys, Guys a Girl a Pizza Place called Paladinos. Thank you Hit It. That's a long time listener. I know sweet sweet Paladinos reference. Thank you Hit It and Quidditch. Thank you Decaf Coffee one word F-U-I coffee. Thank you, Decaf Coffee, one word, F-U-I, coffee. Thank you, Sean. Thank you, OoclaFooj. Thank you, 362438, only if she's 5'3 and has two fingers up her ass.
Starting point is 00:03:56 What? Wow. Hooray. Sir. Thank you, F.Murray, kill Abraham. And finally, thank you, Cirith bunghole. Wow, that was a good one. Cirith bunghole.
Starting point is 00:04:08 I see what you got there. Yeah, I'm still on F. Murray, kill Abraham. Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by? Spars brought to us by Extra Weak Tylenol. You won't even know you took it. Extra Weak Tylenol. And Ms. Construzies. Kids daycare for busy moms. Miss Kinstruzies. Under 18 not allowed. Dan? Is that for the
Starting point is 00:04:37 Husbos? It's for the Husbos. It's time to talk about what happened last time. So you get, goddamn right, you. You took an exploratory boat trip out toward the fissure off the coast of Del Smith and discovered the water is gross. On the way back, something tracked you with a fin. It seems there's some sort of patrols around the fissure, which you know goes down into a layer of some sort of patrols around the fissure, which you know goes down into a lair of some sort.
Starting point is 00:05:06 There's a uniting element to whatever's happening with the fog, the fissure, and the silt, and it involves the death god, Caius, a cosmic being. It's not quite a god, but is powerful and terrifying, who lives in the far realms. And all you know is he's convincing people to join his death cult. People who then die and either become guests or their souls are imbued in worms. Now that you're back on shore, you're going to Sleepy Bias. And right before Sleepy
Starting point is 00:05:37 Bias, you talked about the next vault. So everyone is back at full health. Over long resting, yay! You've prolonged rested. I'm gonna go ahead and say, patrols are not necessary tonight. Nothing foul will happen, you are in an inn. So I'm giving you a free pass, so to speak. I was keeping.
Starting point is 00:06:01 Come back later, please. I'm dungeon mastering. I'm not wearing pants. Go away. I wanted you to be more interested in what I was doing with my pants housekeeping. Hello? You still there? No, they left. Dan, we're all in the room with you. What's going on with your pants? Suddenly, the human not wearing pants disappears from the room and you guys are all back in your fog campaign you all wake up and Start talking map again, so You you were told this is
Starting point is 00:06:38 Some sort of vault that has been Buried long underground and I'm just kind of drawing it up again so you can pass around, but this is basically what it looks like. You know, it involves tide gnomes. Memorized, got it. We can take a picture of it, but I'm eventually gonna draw a larger version for all of you.
Starting point is 00:06:59 And that's the vault that we're looking for. Yeah. That's the actual room we're going into. Or the central room is what contains the prize. You're not sure what it is, but it is hundreds of years old. And it is some sort of artifact of tide gnomes. And that is something you could put together
Starting point is 00:07:18 from talking to little peepers who- It look like a face. Was able to recall some history. It does look a little bit like a face. Or, you know, if I may, once again, it appears I may have a slightly more uteral map shape than phallic map shape. That's all right.
Starting point is 00:07:37 Gotta mix it up, right? Yeah, bro. Yeah, oh wow. Little, little. That's right, Spicoli. Totally uteral. Wow. My dad's got an excellent set of tools. Yeah, Little Peepers tells you
Starting point is 00:07:52 we have to find a way down there. And if we can talk to perhaps a gnome or someone who knows local gnome culture, you might be able to find a tunnel, passageway, catacomb that leads you to the old city. Maybe we're going to have to go talk to old lady nimble nubbin and see if she wants to. Well, this involves the gnomes and like change.
Starting point is 00:08:15 You've talked to her name. Oh, I do. Oh, that's a nimble, but a little bit of housekeeping, something we should have discussed to a three, I think two or three episodes ago. We're all two levels higher. Yes. Hi, it's housekeeping. Hi, can we get some extra towels, please? No, bye. So they don't bother me as much since COVID. They don't really do that. They never bothered me.
Starting point is 00:08:41 Why did they bother you? I always, I always help the housekeeper like the movie bottle rocket. I usually help the housekeepers by holding my thumb over the tushy nozzle to get all the diarrhea off the mirror. Sorry, I was just doing a mic check for Sam. Diarrhea, diarrhea mirror. Diarrhea mirror. I was just doing a mic check for Sam diarrhea diarrhea diarrhea Is flushed in the face after that comment blame So the housekeeping I wanted to get All right, you stole a mech you wanted to sell and it's going to give you
Starting point is 00:09:20 We're gonna retroactively park the mech. It has no arms. It's smashed through the wall. You plan to sell it Where did you park it? You didn't sell it which would take some role-playing but you did Steal it and leave it somewhere. So I'll give you three options for where you could have left it Zalrax manner the drow manner that's under construction with the drow that you convinced to like you, even though you robbed him blind. We, yeah, that it is strange how blindly a legion he has been to us considering everything that's happening. You can have parked it just outside the unwoven veil in that you are at, or you could have put it a third place of your choice,
Starting point is 00:10:05 but you're gonna have to decide. And so I kind of feel like you wanna take one of my two options, cause otherwise we'll talk about it for half an hour, no one will care. Third place of our choice. But it's gotta be somewhere I agree that makes sense. Third place.
Starting point is 00:10:17 But you can't have swords. Could it be in the far realm? No. I would think that it would be at the drow guys house because we would not have brought it to the this hotel with us. The other thing is Andy Kindler joke you parked it inside. On steroids. We would not certainly have brought it to the thieves guild knowing that what seems to be such like a great idea. You can't. But you know, no, I won't let you have parked it there
Starting point is 00:10:48 because you could have sold it there. You did talk about selling it there and you can sell it there. But it's again, role playing. You can't just have it leave it there because they don't want to give it a giveaway. That's what the thieves guild is. You didn't take the last one directly to them. You parked it at the right mansion and then someone came and got it.
Starting point is 00:11:07 Well, you also could collect the money. You think it's been sold at this point and give it away now. No. Um, so you're, but you're thinking if we have it right outside the hotel, then we can take it with us. Cause that was what Ken was voting for, right? I'm not thinking anything. I said third. Last time I thought you held the two when he when he last time you left it outside the manor and it sat there until you went to the thieves guild without it, told him it was there and then you're hoping it got sold.
Starting point is 00:11:38 But you just let you sort of dumped it there and never looked at it. Get sold. Yeah. You'd have to go to thieves guild or spot the front lawn at the manor to find out. Yeah. Maybe it hasn't been sold and maybe we can take it back from the Thieves Guild. It's eight in the morning. You can go look right now. You can go to the Thieves Guild too and just ask if they sold it. Are you guys okay with doing this? Yeah. You want to just call them? No. Let's just, you know, I mean this is like, test them. Let's just walk around the corner and take a peek, right? Sure. It's, it's an eight minute walk to go to the Jews Guild.
Starting point is 00:12:06 That's great. We all get like a breakfast wrap from the hotel. I want to get pancakes with coconut syrup. Okay. It can make you all egg sandwiches. Nice. But coconut syrup, what kind of tropical vibes are you feeling in this doomed little ginsmith's
Starting point is 00:12:23 limited shirt? Yeah, I hate Hawaiian tea. Dore your coconut syrup shirt today. I understand where you're coming from. Like a regular Tommy Bomba deal. This is Fabric Brief, Ken. Not at all. You all head to the underground invisible tunnel pass inside the bush on the park on the northeast side of Dells Miss. Right. All right.
Starting point is 00:12:47 I know there is a door with a slat on it. Wait, are we checking to see if the thing was sold? Were we like looking at the front yard or something like that? Are you stopping? That's a good question. The house or the thieves? You know, we were talking about going to the thieves. You know, to ask if it was sold.
Starting point is 00:13:03 OK, let's do it. What is that? Oh That's I think it's our ice maker. Oh, I was gonna say it's as Don knots found a clue Mr. Lippett is here with his oh We have a fridge that does it quietly but we also have an ice maker that makes like McDonald's ice. Fucking so good in a soda. And yeah, but that thing makes a noise. Your ice maker ice after a year. Yeah, you can replace those.
Starting point is 00:13:37 I mean, is it a component that comes out of the fridge? No, it's it's like Brian's but it's a different brand and it makes that good ice but it broke every year oh also we have to do a taste test. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. We have some hot sauce from St. Patrick Hot Sauce. Hot sauce. Well, you head inside the Orc named Havish, who you found out if you speak Orc, he's very well spoken, but if you don't, he barely speaks common.
Starting point is 00:14:16 Under common, I think we're... Under common. And he was like a fancy British fellow, right? Yes. Yes. But he walks you to the table. A different elf comes out this time, but you know to refer to them as the Plank.
Starting point is 00:14:29 It is an anonymous position that rotates within the Thieves Guild. The elf sits at the table, introduces himself as the Plank, says, all right, I'm familiar with who all of you are. I assume you're coming to check on this sale that we were arranging for you? Exactly. It's rather hot-mecked sale that we were arranging for you. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:14:45 It's a rather hot mech, but we did sell it for parts. We were able to get 10 platinum pieces. Wow. Very valuable parts. We also understand that you have come into more, excuse me, multiple mechs, another mech. There's been rumors around town that you acquired another mech there's been rumors around town that you acquired another mech that I absolutely did a workshop it's kind of ship shape
Starting point is 00:15:14 okay can I ask you a quick question meow yes who bought the parts of the Mac meow we're definitely not allowed to say that. That's part of the business. We're fencing for you. Oh, okay. I was wondering if it was all one customer or if it was a multiple customer. Wow. It was one customer, but they are not in Dellsmith.
Starting point is 00:15:36 I can't say that much. Okay. We just look outside of town. There's not a lot of wealthy people here in Dalsmith, maybe a dozen, and none of them are particularly interested in Newsmax. Somebody was. So, are you, are you familiar with any gnomes in town? Many.
Starting point is 00:15:59 What are you looking for? I mean, ideally someone so familiar with the local Gnomish culture, you know, because you know, tights, but Kelly, why you have it, you know, anyone familiar with, let's say tide gnomes, then to be a possible guide for us. Well, the mayor is a gnome and is rumored to have lineage within the Tide Gnomes, but there are no more Tide Gnomes specifically. Their towns off the coast no longer exist and they've integrated themselves with other gnome and so they're sort of an outdated subspecies of gnome.
Starting point is 00:16:38 Who's the oldest gnome in town? Probably old widow Nimble nubbin. You already hit a wall with her, right? Talk to the mayor. What's the mayor's relationship to the widow? I don't know that they know each other. His name is Elderwell Hankenbottom. Nubbinbottom. Oh boy, there's a lot of Portmanteau fun we could have with those two.
Starting point is 00:17:07 Wiggin' bottom. Hankin' bottom. Hankin' bottom. Excuse me. Hankin' bottom. Hell, Hankin' killed him. Also, you know, there's liaisons. Brian, have you fixed that radon yet?
Starting point is 00:17:24 There's some radon going on in here. She was great in Quest for Fire, by the way. Radon? Yeah. She's also good in Commando. Oh, man, I'm going Commando just thinking about it. Yeah. Oh, no, I just shit my ankles. I only remember what I told you. Elbow drop.
Starting point is 00:17:49 The town is not necessarily run by the mayor. The town is largely deserted. As you know, Delsmouth has a lot of vacant buildings. There are rich folks here hoping the fog will leave, but a lot of folks have abandoned Delsmouth, so when I say mayor, mayor, mayor has not left his home in a while, he's become a bit of a recluse. Oh. He is older, but not as old. Does he have a family? No.
Starting point is 00:18:09 Has that always been the case? As far back as I know. I can ask around for you if you like and see if there are... Oh, I just wanted to see if there was like, you know, he's hiding out of, let's say, grief or something like that. No, the Hank and Bottoms were proud people and that they were related to local gnomes of a long time ago, but he was the last of that line. He did not have children. I mean, no heirs.
Starting point is 00:18:35 Good for us, right? The town is largely run by liaisons from other areas, other cities. Um, I mean, is it possible to ask for an introduction to mayor Hank and bottom? Very well. We can arrange something. Um, I don't know that I understand what this meeting will be, where you want it to happen, the introduction at his front door and his parlor room at a bar. Well, as I say, we are looking or Spicoli said, tell them what we're looking for Spicoli. Well, he's probably too old to be a guide, but could he help us maybe hire a guide to do the
Starting point is 00:19:17 or maybe so you know, the thief skill did sell us this map, the tide gnome map. They didn't look at it. It was rolled up when we bought it, but we could show it to the plank and see what. Oh, if he could help us. Yeah. Okay. All right. Should we show it to him?
Starting point is 00:19:36 That's a good idea. Yeah. Sure. Why not? I'm still curious to go meet this gnome mayor. Yeah. I feel like the gnome mayor might, might be in tune with gnome history and could fill us in on it. Show the map to him.
Starting point is 00:19:48 Yeah, you show it to the plank and he validates yes. If you were to take this to the mayor, he does have this proud element of his culture, the Tide Gnomes, that he is descended from. And if there is a gnome in town who is likely to know something about that culture. It's him. However, this is a filthy ancient map for a dead city. And you don't know that the mayor hangs out in the dead city much. So he'll have Intel, but it won't be sneaky, subversive Intel. Maybe more like historical lore. Right. Maybe it might be able to give you like a tunnel, but it won't be a sneaky tunnel.
Starting point is 00:20:26 It'll be an abandoned, dangerous, entryway to the city. Is there somebody that you could, uh, you know, we could ask a thief, there's possibly a local thief who knows a way to get down there and leave. Yeah. If there's, I mean, which would you prefer? Would you prefer that we reach out to the mayor and arrange a meeting with the mayor, or would you like us to ask among the thieves to see if anyone knows a way
Starting point is 00:20:51 to break into the old times? Think thieves. Yeah. Right. Thieves. Cause we can visit the mayor on our own time. Right. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:59 Unless we think. That was the mayor. Do we want to, unless we think he, there's something he can tell us that will help us going in in which case it would be mayor first then thief. Should we talk to I would think we should talk to the mayor first and then then we can go into the thief with the knowledge that we have. Yeah, make a decision. Yeah, I'm okay.
Starting point is 00:21:18 I feel like Sarah would say let's go read the book before we go climbing. Are you saying this out loud? Yeah. Would you like the plank to participate in the conversation? Would you like to tell the plank something? Oh yeah. What would you ask him? Oh no.
Starting point is 00:21:34 Hey, how about we're going to go talk to Mayor No. Yeah, sounds like you don't actually need my help talking to the mayor. You sound confident you can do it on your own. Yes. actually need my help talking to the mayor. You sound confident you can do it on your own. Yes and then so then I can reach out to some thieves and maybe come back tomorrow. Yeah. I'll have some intel for you. Awesome. Hey sounds like a plan. Would you mind sliding me some gold so that I can bribe some of these thieves? Yeah of course. All right. How is 10? You can give me 10 ten gold I can spread that out amongst five thieves Sounds good who are in the guild. So each of us what throw in?
Starting point is 00:22:13 I'll throw in through like you already paid for the And again, can we talk about that other Mac are you interested in having us help you sell And again, can we talk about that other Mac? Are you interested in having us help you sell? If it's incomplete, it won't net the same amount, but I can go to the same buyer and see if part of it I wonder if we might need it in the coming Crazy Civil War that's about to descend on this town Might be good for us, you know for that fight to have mech, but then I'm sure we could sell it afterwards. Do an insight check, Chris. Just you.
Starting point is 00:22:49 Because you're thinking mech. Can I guide myself? Nope. It's a thought, that's a crime. Yeah. Copy, copy. That's a four plus... Oof.
Starting point is 00:22:57 Is that what it is? We start with six, ten. You're unsure of an advantageous way to take advantage of a mech. So I'm gonna need to start with six, 10. You're unsure of an advantageous way to take advantage of the Max. As as you think about it. Yeah. Oh, you Chris, the player can come up with something. But yeah, but Twitter does not suddenly have a light bulb go off. We picked up a shit lot of platinum too.
Starting point is 00:23:19 So, yeah, we just had 10. Worried about gold at this point. I mean, there were there were mech arms on a table back in the workshop. Yeah, and stuff. And I think we took what we thought we would need to attach it and then we had it run out the vault, you know. We should tell the thieves that they should try to get this thing up and running just in case some shit starts happening in the fog. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You'd like us to put the mech together for you? Yeah, I think you know, just, it would be nice to have a mech around for the
Starting point is 00:23:54 thieves to use in case they need to go to the airport. We don't know what kind of labor that will involve. But if you'd like to entrust us with it and have us send you a bill afterwards, you could if you don't like send you a bill afterwards you could if you don't like how much it costs you could just sell the mech and perhaps it'll break even maybe we'll do it ourselves very well can you park it at the manor yes okay oh wait unless Ken's argument for outside the hotel I'm let's go to manner man is for you didn't take the arms if you want to put you took I think we took don't take one and tools
Starting point is 00:24:30 I thought we grabbed one arm That's what I thought because it was because we were we had the plan of we're gonna take it with us And then we came up with the thing of have it run out the wall So we it's not like You had to run out the light and I know there was's not like I remember the part where you had to run out the wall. And I know there was a table that we talked about, but that I told you about, but I don't remember. Okay.
Starting point is 00:24:50 Let's just say we took the, I'll assume you took that as is, but I'll assume that you have some, you can, you can have the arm too, but you would have left it with the mech because it was, you know, like a 50 pound piece of machinery. Should we have the thieves to say, Hey hey here's the address where all the stuff that you need to put this thing together is? I don't think we should have them do it cuz they're sounds like he just wants to sell this thing and I'm saying let's hang on to it for when the Kuataua race war erupts. Sure. You know what I mean? Like that's what's going on. And it's certainly like the gnomes left.
Starting point is 00:25:28 Maybe the gnomes once this place has cleared out, the gnomes are going to come back and say, aha, the evil gnome kingdom. I don't know. Do you want information on the racial tensions in town? I mean, I can tell you what we already know. Spicoli is writing a book about it. So I'm sure you'll love to hear. I mean, there are, there are very few people left in town, as I mean, I can tell you what we already writing a book about it. So I'm sure you're here. I mean, there are very few people left in town, as I said, but there are still a few hundred.
Starting point is 00:25:52 The most populous area is Sagitan where all the Kuwatoa are. But, you know, there's still a couple hundred people in town who are not Kuwatoa and none of them like it's mostly gnomes and elves that hate the Kua Toa and have talked about either raiding or burning down Sagitao, raising it as it were, because they believe it is the source of the fissure. They believe the fissure is tied to the Kua Toa and the fog is only here because they're the, the church of the Kua Toa, which translates to the very silly Finns of Fun Church. I believe they have a word without any vowels that they use to refer to the church. They find it all very cult-like and blame the Kua Toa for everything. And so
Starting point is 00:26:37 I would say it's possible in the near future the Kua Toa will be attacked by the gnomes and elves specifically. That's what it feels like. It seems mean. Yeah, we like the Kua Toa will be attacked by the by the gnomes and elves specifically. That's what it feels like. Seems mean. Yeah, we like we like the Kua Toa. We think it should be well known that the Kua Toa are. Thieves Guild certainly has no problem. There are, I believe, a few Kua Toa who are in the Thieves Guild. That's all I can say.
Starting point is 00:27:01 All right. Well, there's one captain Fogel. You should have a level. one captain Fogel. You should double level. No, we'll go. Well, yeah, that's right. Up a level is the innkeeper. Yeah. Well, is that the local get your guys straight? Yeah. Rude.
Starting point is 00:27:16 Telfer. Cool. So off to see Mayor Hekenbaum. Yeah. Let's get on. I have to see the mayor. This can be a Let's get out and check out the mayor. This can be a fun guest star, guys. This could be like Steve Buscemi. Who the fuck is this going to be? Oh, I hate it.
Starting point is 00:27:30 Well, it's going to be. It's Parker Posey. Oh, she's. God, I wish I had a Parker Posey voice or I would run with that one. That would be very funny. If I could, if I could make it all fucking Christopher Guest movie all of a sudden. Fred Willard. He'd be a great Hank and Bob.
Starting point is 00:27:49 Where the fuck? There it is. OK, so Del's myth. Handle it, handle it. What if it's him? We lost Willard, right? Willard's. Yeah. Yeah. Like, Covity? No, he was around that time. He was just 90 years old. Oh, OK. Was he that old? Yeah, he was up there.
Starting point is 00:28:03 Did I ever tell you what he said to me? And I mean, I'm in night. Did I tell you this, Blaine? Oh, no. Sorry, who is it? Fred Willard. Oh, Fred Willard, yeah. So he did a little like, you know,
Starting point is 00:28:12 social media video backstage with me. Nice. And he said, now Dan, it's been a lot of fun working with you. And I want you to know, I'm gonna work with you one more time. Here's what's gonna happen. The next time I see you,
Starting point is 00:28:23 I'm gonna take off one of my shoes and I'm to throw it at you as hard as I can. And if you catch that shoe, you get to keep it. And remember, it's a very good shoe. So keep an eye out. I'm going to throw my shoe at you. Wow. And I never saw him again. But he wanted me to think that he was lurking somewhere in the shadows of Hollywood with a shoe that he's going to whip at my head. That's the best. Yeah. It made me very happy. They were doing a match game with Fred Willard as the host.
Starting point is 00:28:57 And they brought a bunch of comedians in to be paneled celebs. Is this the one that Pardo used to host at UCB? This is years before that. And they brought a bunch and I did, I remember doing it with Barrett. Okay. And we sat, like we sat in the panel, like we were Fanny Flag and Richard Dawson and Charles Oserrano. Who was Fanny Flag?
Starting point is 00:29:15 Five bucks, same as downtown. But we were just sitting there and we would just, we would just pretend, we would just run answers with them. We were just having fun. And he would come up and just, you know, hey, what do you think the answer is? You give him an answer and then he kind of banter with everybody. And then they do it again.
Starting point is 00:29:36 And he comes out and he does it completely differently. Super funny. And he does it a third time, completely differently and just riffing with everybody. Couldn't have been funnier. And then he goes, I think I got it. And that was it. But it was just like watching this guy just effortlessly host match game. And I don't know how it did get picked up.
Starting point is 00:29:57 Wow. That was cool. Yeah, it was really amazing. Sitting there with it, I would just look at Barrett and Barrett would look at me like, fucking Fred Willard. Fred Willard is one of the best. He just seemed like he was always having more fun than anyone else.
Starting point is 00:30:11 I would see him at Tom Kenny's house on Halloween, because his house is a big open house in his neighborhood. And Fred Willard was sitting there and Oliver, my son, was looking at him. And Vera's like, holy shit, it's Fred Willard. And Fred sees us was sitting there and Oliver my son was was looking at him and Veer is like, holy shit It's Fred Willard and Fred sees us looking at him So he just kind of comes over to the jukebox in the kitchen and like makes a big deal out of Taking a song and he's like as if to say take some pictures. I'm fucking Fred Was unreal
Starting point is 00:30:45 Funny that he had like fucking Errol Flynn swagger in addition to being the biggest fucking dork. Disguised. What was it? Where did you get a penile reduction surgery? Why don't you get your vagina enlarged? Oh God, that fucking moment in waiting for government with Catherine O'Hara.
Starting point is 00:31:08 Midnight at the Oasis. Oh, hello. Who is this? Anyway everybody listening, Google Fred Willard. I don't need a belly dancer. All right, so this is, this is Mayor Hank and Bottom's mansion across the street from the manor. He lives by the avocado.
Starting point is 00:31:30 He does, he lives by the avocado, which is the front lawn of Zalorak's manor. I heard that place is the pits. Oh, ow. Oh, so he lives right by Zalorak's. So you can, right now, as you're walking up to the mayor's house, peek and see how your mecca is doing if you like.
Starting point is 00:31:46 Sure. It's like a pixie. You go over there and much like, you know, a pickup truck without tires up on a rednecks lawn, your mecca is sitting there with its arms and a little bundle next to it. These are the days of our lives. There is, you know, this, um, hedge wall around the lawn. So it's not like anyone
Starting point is 00:32:05 off the street even knows it's there. There's a little iron gate there that's currently shut and used to have autonomes guarding it that are long since washed out to see things to you guys. Autonomes. Autonomes. I run a campaign for some folks who, uh, two of them died, but their souls were kept in a lantern that a hag like sucked their souls out and put them in a lantern and was going to use them for necromancy. They had their souls. They originally like, I forget what, like an elf and like a gnome or whatever.
Starting point is 00:32:38 They got put inside an auto gnome in a war forged body that were like hollowed out. And yeah, so they're just in an auto gnome body like embracing their new life I love constructs so you got that updates on how your less put-together Mecha is doing the front door here is very well lit but there are again no guards this is is at Zalorax Manor across from Zalorax. There's no guards. There's the mayor's. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:09 The mayor's. There are no guards here. And, um, uh, what the hell? Let's do an insight check for everybody. Just for like city security, city guard. Can I give people guidance? Yeah. Cause this is a conversation, not a light bulb moment.
Starting point is 00:33:27 Would you say insight? Yeah, and everyone can roll a guidance die too. I'll have a little peepers join in. That's a four. With guidance, 23. Nice, 21. 19. 18 for little peepers. Nice. He's got so much love. In his trunk. And nowhere to put it. Little peepers.
Starting point is 00:33:57 14. So those of you who beat a 20, it occurs to you you're seeing less city guards in general. Those would be private guards that you saw in front of Zalorak's manor when you first cased that joint. Since then, you have walked around and just not seen as many elves and armor walking around protecting the city. So I think it's something, there's something just a little bleak about the fact that you haven't seen city guards really really or even private security around. You think it does mean that there's probably more of an otherworldly tension in town than like an
Starting point is 00:34:32 army versus army race war coming but all that really means is instead of soldiers going to raise soggy town there might be a bunch of rich people with torches. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think so. So it's just something that occurs to you as you approach the Mayor's unguarded house. It is well lit, big lanterns and street lamps outside, but no one is there. Who's doing the talking? Big oak door. Do you want to or do you want me to?
Starting point is 00:35:03 You're the man with the skull hat. You're very clearly our guy. Ken, you start to yell. Oh yeah, I got lots of charisma too. I got this fellas. Holy shit. Here we go. Hey, Norm MacDonald.
Starting point is 00:35:18 Ding dong. There's a long, long wait after you after you. There's a little it's an iron bell outside. I said ding dong. You let go of the help. There's an iron bell with a little like what's it called? A chain underneath there. You can like a ding, ding, ding,. After 60 seconds of silence. Housekeeping. 60 more seconds pass and the door slowly opens. Yes. It is pitch black inside. Oh.
Starting point is 00:35:53 And this seven foot tall lanky being who looks like very gaunt in the dark. Just names Ted Cassidy. No, it's not who it is. It's not Ted Cassidy. That would be very much a commentary on something. But you just see this eye and sort of like a nostril in the dark kind of like peering through the crack. And it says, hi, can I help you? Yes, we're looking for Mayor Hinklebottom. This is his home.
Starting point is 00:36:26 Is he in? We'd love to talk to him. What is your business? It's a gnome business. We'd like to consult with him about some gnome history. Really? Persuasion check place. All right.
Starting point is 00:36:48 You got him. From now on, I'm not gonna do it. At this moment, not quite, but you're going for it. Oh, you know, absolutely. That's a nine. Shit. So of course there will likely be, and if you could just continue the conversation,
Starting point is 00:37:00 another opportunity to roll, but the DC gets higher as you fail. So it was a nine, which is not a success. He goes, this all seems a bit sketchy. The cat is raising its paw. Yes. I was wondering if I could, if my twitching whiskers could detect any sort of fragrance or odors that would tip me off to what's going on.
Starting point is 00:37:22 And the perception check for you, Blaine. Nice. A cat perception check. Roll to cat. 10 plus 10 is 20. Very musty from inside and you get kind of like a mossy, earthy smell off of this being. An undead kind of a smell. Who is he?
Starting point is 00:37:44 Yeah. Just dank. Just kind of like mold. Who is he? Yeah, what? Just dank, just kind of like moldy old people house. Do you work for the mayor? Yeah. What is it that you do? I'm a servant. Oh, interesting.
Starting point is 00:37:56 Tell your face. Is the mayor home? I don't know that I should disclose it for a sketchy group knocking on the door. This is just a weird skull helmet. You don't have to be worried about that. That's exactly what I'm concerned about. We want to discuss tide gnomes with the mayor. We know him to be, I think, the expert in town. I mean persuasion check 20.
Starting point is 00:38:23 Me? Me? Yeah. Persuade. You did mention guidance if you can guide yourself. May I? Guide myself. Okay. Two but because of my thing it becomes Uh, 10 plus 13 is a 23. This fucking guy with his magic. Just 23. And then did you stay with guidance? I did, but I feel like I've got 23. I mean, you just want to show off. Uh, 27 Dan. Don't you want to show off?
Starting point is 00:38:59 27. For a moment, he looks at you like you rolled a two and then he looks at you like you rolled a two and then he looks at you like you got a 27. Oh, oh. Not often does the mayor get to talk about tide gnomes. Do come in. Thank you. And your name is? None of your business.
Starting point is 00:39:20 Oh, didn't mean it. I apologize. But I meant to say thank you. Friend. I will call you friend. Thank you. You can call me friend. Thank you. You, you enter the house and it looks like a lot of candles are set up. It looks like there's a card game of solitaire that this being has set up.
Starting point is 00:39:42 Everyone do an insight check. Can I get guidance? No, because this is an instantaneous. That this being has set up everyone do an insight check Can I get guidance? No, this is a genius that front door opens and you're welcomed into the foyer 26 okay, I Rolled a 1 plus 6 14 24 17 and plus six. 14, 24, 17, so Shalob and Siam. You'll pick up something more interesting in a moment, but everyone notices this is a just a musty foyer. It looks like there's some sort of
Starting point is 00:40:17 couch with a game of solitaire spread out around it with it looks like a tea tray with a tea kettle and some tea bags and some sugar sitting next to the couch with the solitaire. All of you just feel weirded out by how dark it is with just some candles especially given that it's you know 10 o'clock in the morning right now but Shlobes I am you're like, Oh, this guy is not shady. He's a servant, but like he's sort of just camping out in the foyer. Like like this is where he's he lives or something. He's squatting in his job. It's like, yeah, he's squatting at his job.
Starting point is 00:41:00 And how high in the 20s did you guys get? Remind me. You had a 26, 24. OK, well, I'll give it to blame because he beat a 25. And I like to go by fives. But um, yeah, he's a furbog, which is like a sort of fae esque being that is very tall, but very thin, thinner than any furbog you've seen before. And you haven't really seen any furbogs. So he's very strange looking, he looks like a tall skinny cow person and he is very spooky. He's wearing this old dusty tuxedo that looks like the buttons were hastily put on a couple of them
Starting point is 00:41:41 are like out of order like he's buttoned a low button and a high button hole. And looks old looks like he's probably old like the mayor. And seems like maybe he's got nowhere else to go. Like maybe he's just been living here. And the place where he sleeps is like some caught in a nearby closet. The hell? Huh. So all of you are welcomed in, the door shuts behind you.
Starting point is 00:42:13 Please have a seat in any of the waiting chairs here in the foyer. Go and fetch the mayor. You won't just wait right here. Don't wander off. Don't wander off, don't wander off. The mayor's upstairs having his alone time. Terrific. We'll just make ourselves comfortable.
Starting point is 00:42:35 In one of the waiting chairs, thank you. He slowly goes up the stairs. It's uncomfortable, creepy. He's taking his time going up the stairs. It takes like a solid like minute for him to get up a very short flight of stairs and go down a hallway. I'm going to give everybody guidance. Yeah. We're all looking at each other.
Starting point is 00:42:56 Do a perception check, everybody. Perception. Twenty five. She's. 25. Nice. 22. 27. 21. This place is haunted as fuck. So it looks like the doors have not been opened leading into the rest of the first floor in some time. You see there's dust on the ground, like in front of the door. The only place you see that looks like well traveled is indeed like a couple of like, it looks like smaller rooms, like a powder room and a closet. So you think that maybe he's camped out in the foyer and like a closet and the powder room up front in the front of the manor, but the rest of the first floor, it's almost like he's avoided it.
Starting point is 00:43:47 And you hear like wailing wind sounds coming from behind the doors as if there's like a heavy gust behind the doors, but it's not windy outside. It's very dark in here. And it's not bright outside because of the heavy fog that's impenetrable, but yeah. I have dark vision. So does everybody else?
Starting point is 00:44:07 Yeah. Yeah, me too. I'm going to detect magic. Okay. You get a sense that there are moving necromantic shapes behind the large double doors leading to most of the building that looks like it hadn't been touched in a while. I'll let my friends know that
Starting point is 00:44:26 So this place is already Infested with whatever the worms and stuff are for that. Whatever's coming from the fissure Hmm. So the mayor might already be Lies but the fur ball seems weird but not Yeah, but the fur bowl seems weird, but not like we didn't get an undead sense off of that thing. No, and there's, you guys rolled high enough on all these checks, particularly the inside check where those of you rolled high and inside would look at the tea tray and be like, well, he's drinking a substance.
Starting point is 00:44:59 So he is not undead. We know that the mayor hasn't been seen a while. My first thought is did the mayor just die and the servant is hiding out here? Is he playing? So let's just watch and see like I guess my big question is is there a mayor? Yeah. If he can give us this whatever Tidenome history we might want to tell them to leave this accursed place. Be prepared to run out of here. Great.
Starting point is 00:45:27 The butler kind of like fucking shoot a firebolt at this weirdo. You hear a creak coming from the landing at the top of the stairs and you see the fur bug kind of like fur bug servant kind of like waddling down the stairs slowly towards you guys taking his time. I think I know what his name is. Not speaking. Dwayne. The bathtub I'm drowning. By himself. Not accompanied. Alone. Yeah. Alright. Do we hear anything? Any movement upstairs? Hello everyone. Not really, just
Starting point is 00:46:02 the creaking of him opening the door and it's a big building, so, you know, maybe you're a little bit of his footsteps as he approached. The mayor did not answer. You seem nice enough, if you like, you can try knocking on the door as well. When's the last time you saw the mayor? How long have you been here? Ten days. And you haven't seen the mayor in that whole time? That's the last time I saw the mayor and it was his eyeball in the keyhole.
Starting point is 00:46:36 I've been leaving food out and he's been taking it and leaving the tray. Okay. Signs of life. So there are signs of life. Sure. When's the last time you left a tray that was taken? Every day. I don't know that he's really enjoying it. He might be throwing it out the window for all I know, but he's taking the food I leave for him. Is he acting different from the way he
Starting point is 00:47:00 normally acts? Define normal. Not locked up in a room. He didn't used to do this. He started doing this around the time the fog came. Oh, maybe he's been driven mad. The house isn't the same since the fog showed up. Would you like to go try knocking on the door? He might talk to all of us. And he like, I'll walk you over there.
Starting point is 00:47:27 Maybe he's got a book. Maybe it'll be something. Maybe when we actually ask him questions about tide gnomes, maybe he'll spark them up. Yeah. Maybe some we can do that. Let's try it. Yeah, let's do it.
Starting point is 00:47:39 Help his brain. By the way, thanks for the room tone. I'm going to cast a gift of alacrity on myself from now to see now. My favorite O. Henry story. He very slowly walks you up the stairs. Spencer's gifts of alacrity. I'll work on that workshop and come back next time. There are smaller double oak doors at the top that he had been coming in and out of to go see the mayor and he takes you through there and starts walking you slowly down a long hallway.
Starting point is 00:48:11 There are doors on either side of the hallway. You count three on either side until you get to the end where the bedroom is. He wraps on the door with his knuckles and in a remarkably quick act for someone who has been pausing a whole lot between everything as soon as he's done knocking on the door he turns you and says I don't think he's going to answer that and sort of shakes his head. Alright. Well, thank you so much for your help. My name is Lerg. Of course.
Starting point is 00:48:47 I will tell you. Ken, is your Detect Magic still up? Yeah, I mean... Is there anything behind the door? You're getting some Necromancy Auras behind the door. Necromancy Aura... Necromancy aura. Yeah, there's, there's objects emitting a necromancy aura on the other side of the door and something moving that has a necromancy aura.
Starting point is 00:49:14 Well, shit. Should I be concerned? Do you think? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think we should check on them. It's interesting that it took strangers to tell you to
Starting point is 00:49:28 be concerned after 10 days of not seeing your boss. Well, I do try to be polite. And when he did first go in there, he said, Please do not bother me. I shall be studying my works. And I didn't know what it meant. But I thought, well, this is the master of the house. And I've worked here for 90 years. I should do it. The master of the house should probably get you.
Starting point is 00:49:51 You definitely want to get yourself a safe distance downstairs to the. Mm hmm. He's to this room. I do. He pulls out this giant ring with like 30 iron keys on it and starts. It's here somewhere. It's in just one second. I'm gonna ready an attack. He hands you the key ring. It's over. This is the key. Now if I really should be worried. Yes. Give me a moment and let me get out of your way He very slowly starts waddling down the hallway He seems very old. Yeah, we're not sure how to rate the age of a fur bug, but he seems like he is in his
Starting point is 00:50:38 Post Fred Willard years Interesting I think as we are turned the key, or as we're about to turn the key, I think I'm going to try and cast bless on my friends. I'm looking it up quickly. And we'll have to see how that spell goes on our next episode. But yeah, tell us how blessed. I bless them to three creatures, one, two, three, my friends of choice within range. Whenever a target makes an attack roll or a saving throw before the spell ends, that means you guys for the next minute
Starting point is 00:51:25 you have a D you can add a D for to any attacks or saving throw is basically I'm anticipating throwing open the door and seeing fuckboy Jones ready to everyone knows that nickname so that's what I'm doing. Cool. Great. Well, before we go, before, first, should we do a recap and then I have something else I wanna talk about. Sure. Episode 26, we stole a mech, but where did we leave it?
Starting point is 00:51:55 There's a mayor named Hank and Bottom. We remembered how great Fred Willard is. We're at Hank and Bottom's house. The mayor's assistant smells dank and musty. The house is haunted. Who is this creepy guy? Sam, did we get your recap last time? No, we didn't.
Starting point is 00:52:06 Episode 25. It's been too long since I paid attention. Where are we? What are we doing? Okay, we're going to a boat. We're going to save people or get treasure. We're going into a fissure or a vault full of traps. Great episode, guys.
Starting point is 00:52:18 Hey! Should we do a taste test here, Ken? Sure, if you want. My friend Jordan sent some Satanic hot sauce. Distribute some spoons while you explain what we're doing exactly. We're gonna taste, we've got 12 spoons so you can talk. Peanutrolada.
Starting point is 00:52:34 It's the same listener friend, right, who he's... He sent us hot sauce before. Yeah. And we also have Crip juice. What's the listener's name? What's that Jordan? I don't know his listener name. It's probably Satanic Hot Sauce.
Starting point is 00:52:48 Oh, OK. And what do you want to tell people what the two are that we're tasting? Well, one seems like more of a fruity. I'm going to start with that one because I'm feeling this. Try not to get it on Brian's table. So if you have something, you can dangle your spoon over. Yeah, well, there's some plastic stuff here. Like we can take turns putting these little bags
Starting point is 00:53:06 underneath the spoon. All right. I want to try that one too. That's the pina colada one. Yeah. There's another one. It's a, ah, for God's sake. A third of the thing.
Starting point is 00:53:21 Getting caught in the rain. Him, him, him. What you're going to do about him. Beetlejuice sequel. Got me so good. Oh, you sensing those pineapple notes? What is you tasting it or what is the, yeah. What is the pineapples?
Starting point is 00:53:42 Yeah. Right now it just smells sweet. Like from outside without tasting it smells kind of like Worcestershire sweetie. It's barbecue. I've had many of the sauces. Barbecue. Okay. That makes sense because barbecue sauce is sweet. Just got a little smokiness to it then. Have you tried this already Ken? Yes. Oh, you've already tried it. Yeah. Yeah. I thought we're all going to try it together for the first time. I guess some of us are just more respectful. I'll just tell you in the bottle
Starting point is 00:54:07 I said maybe they're like passing out and taking off my clothes can't what's in this? It's like more hot sauce consistency bar like that like not sick like barbecue sauce. Yes. Yeah, but it's way spicier, too I like that. No, we have to try the one that's for sure going to called Satan. Break my I don't know. I haven't tried this one. My spoon. I got first. That's what they do on hot ones, right?
Starting point is 00:54:33 They lick their spoon. Critics. It's not super hot label wise. For sure. This is the one I like. Yeah. Our listeners would love. I prefer a flavor. It's like slightly spicier than Tabasco, but only slightly. But I've never just drank Tabasco. Why didn't I put it on something?
Starting point is 00:54:52 Put it on my finger. I thought this would this place would be special that way. We didn't bring wings, but we could have. Crypto juice. Caution. Anal damage. All right. Oh, my anal. Um, yeah, it's definitely spicier
Starting point is 00:55:09 Flavor wise similar maybe not as sweet but in the same I don't know maybe base family spicier Continuing to be spice years. Yeah, do we know what pepper he uses for this? I figured this one would be hotter because I looked through the content. I think the first seven things are all different peppers. And I was just like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, this is a darker kind of flavor. Yeah. The sweet, very hot.
Starting point is 00:55:34 Yeah, I had the hot. Brian, you're on the cooking network. What's your work? California chili, dried arbol. Yeah, there's a lot of. Rest in peace, Anne Burrell. Yeah. Hell yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:48 I really liked her. Yeah, she was great. My spoon dissolved. Oh no. That's good. My teeth are dripping through the bottom of my head. Oh yeah, that's spicier. It is much spicier.
Starting point is 00:56:00 Mama, how's your mouth feeling? I love my juice. My teeth in a coke. Hash brown. Herb's juice a spicy good. Do you have a website? Yeah, I imagine it's Satanic Hot Sauce. I'll check for sure.
Starting point is 00:56:13 But if you Google Satanic Hot Sauce, you'll find it. Yes. He's on Instagram too. Good Lord. Yeah, I like the Crip juice. The stickers are really cool too. It's a Tannic Hot Sauce. Thank you, Jordan.
Starting point is 00:56:23 Yeah, it's Satan tannic hot sauce. Thank you Jordan. Yeah it's satanic hot sauce on Instagram and satanic hot sauce dot big cartel dot com. I would use this for the vegan hot wings I like to make with seitan. Put satan. Put devil in ya. Brian did you just come up with that? Thanks a lot Jordan. We're gonna sign your banner too. Hey Mike, my pants are gone. Dan. DanTelfer.com. You want to hire me to be your dungeon master. It'll be great for you. BrianPersain.com. I have Winnipeg, Calgary and then I've got Comic Con. I've got New York and Philly City Winery with JT Habersack. I've done their city winery gigs before. They're super fun. And me and JT will be in a rental car, so see you somewhere on the way to Philly.
Starting point is 00:57:24 BrianPasane.com, Gromitz and Reifters. I just got the Gromitz trade paperback with all seven issues. It's so fucking cool. I saw you doing like was did you like do a signing or something? Yeah, I signed those book plates that if you if you order it through image,
Starting point is 00:57:41 I believe, and through some other places that you get a book place signed by Rick Reminder and myself. But check it out. Blaine. We attribute the success of save mankind from... Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. On the next Nerdpoker, another magic comet turns predictive text into the singularity,
Starting point is 00:58:10 threatening to Descanso Gardens all Lilo and Stitch on earwig. Can Sam stock market it in Ticketmaster before its Toyota Lakers? All this and Bristol Farms six flags on his ballerina's wang on an Aldo Nova Nespresso Pottery Bar Thanks for listening to another episode of nerd poker you can follow us at patreon.com Slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 and Sino California 91416. Thanks for listening!

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