Nerd Poker - The Fog Campaign - Episode 41

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Time to square things away with Phillip the Plank. Except... um.... we kind of deliberately burned down what he wanted. Time for some last minute improvising regarding whether we want the fish mob boss as an ally or not! For 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker . For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com.

Our friends at HeroForge have come out with 3D custom dice. They use the same process as HeroForge's color printed minis. You can choose the dice number, color, the dice shape, and size, even extra large ones. Visit HeroForge.com to start designing your custom miniature and dice today. and check back often. New content is added every week. Thanks, Heroforge. Hey, it's Brian Pusain.

Nerd Poker. We're calling it the Slogue campaign. My friends are here. Chris, Blaine, Ken, engineer, Sam, and of course, our kick-ass, DM, Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody, it's Brian Bassane, and you're listening to Nerd Poker. It's episode 41, and we're playing, um, what do we call it the fog campaign? D-D-D.

Fish campaign. It's the fish campaign. Fish campaign. Fog campaign. Fish campaign. Let's call the whole thing off. Fogfish. I saw Fogfish open for a pump.

Thousands of tech cops. Millions of cars. Slow ride. Hey, take it easy. It's, yeah, and then they do fish songs also. Ugh. Hell. Do you like fish?

No. Okay. Well, they do not. A fish. They practiced their scales. I didn't introduce everybody, but of course, guess who that was? It's me, Mark Lynn Baker from Perfect Strangents. That was a really impression.

It's like he's in the room with us. Chris is here, too. Hello. Ken's here. Here I am. Dan's here. I've got a plan. At the end of the table and random things.

Sam, everybody. Hello, sweet children. Hey, pal. Hi. Let's thank some people and please them. You know what. Don't be ridiculous. Hey, everybody.

Thank you for supporting our podcast by listening. Thank you for supporting us on Patreon. But if you can hit those top two tiers on Patreon, we will say whatever weird shit you put in the spreadsheet, as long as it's not too fucked up. Don't make me sad. Guess what? None of these make me sad.

These are beautiful people who support us and keep the lights on over here at nerding Polk's headquarters. Thank you, Mark P. Stranberg. Thanks, Mark. Thank you, Kevin. Thanks, Kevin. Thanks, Kilbasa Nova. Oh, thanks, Johnny.

I know it's Johnny Bologna. Oh, is it? Yeah. Yeah. Fun. Yeah, I know that is. I know that is. Thank you, MC.

Whoah! Wow. Thank you, Todrick, Hot Doggins, the third, and a quarter, Esquire. Thank you, that dumb, giant fish from Mario 3 that eats you. Oh, man, the memories. the memories God that game Thank you

Ravinack food Hey Sorry Brian Thank you This house has made A Ravadack food money I want someone else to read this It's fun for me to read

But I feel like someone needs to share the fun Can we read this long one that starts with a G For me please Glor Gawakom My Grumpfadu Aye Ay, aye, brook, brook, brook.

Blakety, blackety, glibity, globby-globby-glob. Come on, I can't read it. I've read that one like four or five times. I'm like, no. Thank you, James D.J. Down to judge. Yeah. Down to judge.

And I wish you would. Or juggle. Thank you, Ben Zodi. And finally, thank you. Hotel room cuck chair. Wait a minute. Why am I thinking a hotel room cup? Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by?

Hey, everybody, there's sparks coming out of my ears. What's happening? Sports brought to us by a comet. It makes your teeth turn green. Comet. This is made from gasoline. Comet. It makes you vomit.

So I get some comet. Vobbit today. and the 13-foot skeleton suck it home depot Dan thanks Blaine guess what folks we should talk about

what happened last time I'm nerd poker our heroes the ding dong danglers loot at the basement where all the creepy shit was you guys have been looking through the library

of tomes pretty much all of which are magic there might be you know a little issue of tiger beat folded in here somewhere but when you ran up to TechMagic, you saw a full spectrum of magic auras

glowing off of the library of tomes. You've picked out a few special ones, one of which Shalab chucked across the room. Didn't like it. It had a lot going on. Oh, and you know what? While I'm thinking of this, especially because Brian wrote it on a napkin

to remind you that. That's the thing now, right? Yeah, yeah, it is. They're a sponsor. No, thank you for doing it. It's great. The Giroforge, is hooking us up um they've been really cool about getting us the fanciest possible they've always

been a cool uh yeah i gotta i gotta send the keel some photos of the of the one so we can post them to like the nerd poker account but here where's the what little peepers you guys the details on old little peepers he's adorable he has a banana that he puts in people's in people's uh sheaves when he steals their weapons. He puts this banana in them. You can see his little eye patch. You can see he's going like Camere with his finger. Put it in the tailpipe. And he's a little, he's half

half-half-half-ling half. Half- have these bananas. Half-Elephant folk. He's so good. He's a little... That's awesome. They do amazing stuff. And yeah. They've been supportive the whole time. And really, their online editor is so, is so bonkers. The stuff you can make

just for fun. When I bought like a 3D printed bail I started going on there and making demons you can kit bash and like take weird parts and just like show them on there Chris or no that was from a really cool sculptor I think

in England well never mind well we do need to get our cast to hook that up and also while I'm thinking of it if you guys can make sure you update the D&D beyond thing as much as possible we would love to share your character sheets people have been asking about them

but they've been sort of not the same level and I know that should not be true. Cool. Yeah, we're level 10. Mine's updated because I printed it out. Yeah, I think mine. Good journey. I don't.

Last time I checked they weren't, but I have not checked in about a month. Oh, God. And I was talking to Chris about it. Chris, I think maybe even the group chat was asking about it. Oh, dear. I just, while we're thinking about it. We're thinking about HeroForge

and how much people like your characters and how you guys should seriously go make them and send me the links to send in a keel. Cool. I think Joffrey is still level nine. Yeah, it might have been talking about Brian. But yeah, make sure you level up Joffrey. I may have, but I don't think I've printed it out.

Okay. Yeah, I mean, because there could be some crazy bonuses you get as a level 10 rogue that like... I think the last, because we played on Zoom, I just haven't used this lately. So I got to print it. I think we leveled up while we were on Zoom and so... For some reason, I upped to 10 and it didn't take for a couple games. Oh, weird. Yeah, I know.

I don't watch it on. You know. They did a big update on D&D Beyond. Remember when I was like, they have a party inventory now. When they did that, they messed the code up or something. I couldn't get the whole page to load for like a week. No. So.

Did you do something personal to offend D&DBion? What did you say? What did you do, Ken? Oh, me? You're looking at me? I didn't do nothing. I just updated my character. I don't.

But when you did it, were you rude? Did you ask D&D Beyond about her feelings? I said a lot of four-letter words out now. Wow. Oh, wow. I was frustrated. D&D Beyond doesn't like that. Oh, and Dan, I ordered a figure from Hero Fudge, but I hate it.

It's a hero forge, Blame. Oh, whoa! Your hearing is gone. Around six. Thanks, Rosanna, Tannadana. It's always a something. Oh, it's heavily Lattella. Oh, that's the one?

Yeah. Yeah, that was the guy. The guy's things wrong. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but they're both great. Thank you, Hero Forge. Oh, yeah, for sure. Putting the button on it, that's all.

The dead air I encouraged was strange. Maybe it might tell me you feel bad. What's the thing about dead air? Dead air? Yeah, you shouldn't eat it. Oh, no. You know what I really like, guys, is seven seconds of room tone. Don't do it.

Keep talking. Shut up, right? Don't let's blame when. So can we finish looting this room? Yeah, absolutely. So it's kind of about the books. You haven't really looked at the desk yet. I like the desk.

Yeah, let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's let's have the magic books for us. I'm on it. All right, let's get that investigation check. Oh, that's a... While you actually do the math, I need to go grab my laptop. Oh, my God. That's what are we doing?

Investigation 19 plus 3 is 22. Nice. Oh, my gosh, Willie. Willie's all splayed out. She's been playing D&D. Look, she's got character sheet next to her. Oh, she's splooting. New boot splooting.

That's why I need pancake pancake because she sploots every time she lays down. You sploot scooting. She a spluter. That's the Bernice thing. They lay with their arms like that. Pancake is a British short hair. So she has tiny little stubby legs that she just sort of flops out. Sometimes she'll lay with one, like, tweaked, and it looks like she fell off the ceiling.

Yeah, my mom had a dog that always looked like it just came through a windshield. Wait, what? Oh my gosh. It was laying in a crazy position. I know exactly. It's rude. Yeah. You know what that reminds me of is the movie the cat.

We were just talking about the movie The Cat. Have you guys seen the movie The Cat? Ken and I were talking about it. Yes, long time. It's so amazing. You have to see. It's Hong Kong, right? Yes.

I remember it's Japan or Hong Kong? I don't. I think it actually is Japanese. Yeah, I think you ever see it. Okay, if you guys who are listening have not seen that movie, there is a five-minute sequence of a dog and a cat fighting that is shot with real dog and cat and also puppets. as long as the fighting they live

it's it's fine it's exactly that right like and they go through just junkyard windows and like it is shot it's such great thank you I feel silly for forgetting that because I just watched it but it's

it's next level crazy and there's magic uh there's a there's a home that is like fancy like like Mulholland Drive fancy and it's just full of books no shelves just stacks and stacks and stacks of books in this like huge mansion house and it's it all gets blown up with a machine gun

uh it is it is the cat dog fight is truly though like you can look it up on youtube if you want to just look up the cat cat dog fight so good um so what did you roll again it was a 19 plus what yeah 22 22 okay that new um find that there is not really a lot in here. There is a lot of quills. It looks like

it's kind of like a hoarder's drawer. There's a lot of like broken things in there. Bits of like, you know, pocket detritus buttons. Little like forest nuts. Is it giving anything giving off a magic

from the detector magic? Well, yes. And also you do find digging around there's like a strange case it looks like it's in one of the bigger drawers looks like it's meant for maps and there's also a cane kind of like almost miss it almost looks like a leg of the desk

leaning up underneath where folks's legs would go when they're sitting down it's kind of like leaned up in a corner interesting I would look back to further examine those items okay Um The map does not Map case does not require a tune it is a cartographer's map case

Cool Okay Check for trapper keepers There's like an element to it related to the The weird like side lore For acquisitions incorporated that I'm not included because you have to be ranked within acquisitions incorporated, but it works like it.

And it's got the same two things. You can use an action to make a DC-15 perception check. With a successful, with a successful check, you reveal a map buried in your cartographer's map case, noting a relevant shortcut. Cool. So as a map case, that's cool. Yeah, it's like a standard map case looking, but inside it can just generate things.

Also, you can make a DC-15 perception check and search to find something related to what you're currently working on that is a map. It's called Map of the Moment. Cool. The map of shortcuts, you can't use again until your next long rest. and map of the moment it's you can't use until dawn seven days from them okay

I'm sure map of the moment does what gives you a you can use an action a perception check and search for a map related to your current mission or quest or that will

inspire a new mission or quest you find a map with a prominent landmark okay and then there's a table for a landmark that will be on there but we would really only get

into that once you were trying to use it. Got it. That being said, you are in the business right now of trying to find a vault deep underneath the city. So this might be of particular relevance to you. The cane also does not require

attunement. It is a veteran's cane. As a bonus action, you can transform this walking cane into an ordinary long sword, or change the long sword back into a walking cane. In either case, you must be holding the item. Weird.

Yeah. Basically, just looks like cane and then you lift it up and it just goes into a long sword or vice versa. You can basically hide a weapon

that way. Yeah. It's not, it's not got a magical bonus. It's not like a plus one long sword, but it's,

you know. That's a camouflage long sword. That's cool. And it's from the Dungeon Masters guide. It's,

uh, it's veterans cane. That's cool. Nice. Now the books. That is the thing that we were leaving off on next episode.

You're kind of talking about whether you're going to load up on those things. I've had it with the books. I'm a little afraid of reading. No, the witchcrafty ones or the evil ones. They may all.

You know, that's the thing. So Ken throws the book across the room and Sam Spade. The book does not give off a necromanic aura. It just sort of gives off this transmutation aura.

And you're like, okay, well, so necromancy is not going to be the aura like it's not going to necessarily help knowing which school of magic is most abused at the book because that doesn't none of these books stick to one school of magic all the time and sometimes it's not magic because it follows a traditional school of magic

maybe we investigate these on our way out you know we still have to go underground and fight caius or whatever I think we should do three more episodes here Let's do a little... How could we expedite? Little Peepers would... Without smashing all the boxes, but, like, how do we...

Why don't we just leave the library? I mean, it's a library of books. Well, here's... Little Peepers would say, we are obligated to tell the plank, Philip, what we have done here. This was what he asked. And I do believe he's going to want to not only come down here,

but sort of take over. So it would be sort of his library once we leave the room. But if we leave the room with some of the library, it's ours. Oh, okay. We could take some books, I guess. I mean, we are thieves. I mean, that's what we're in this for, right? Yeah.

But if we try to come back, there will be Kuatou here. And this will be their library. Yeah. Or, you know, the towns, maybe more people besides Kuatua will be allowed in here. But I have a feeling, Philip has kind of very Kuatua plans for the city. Well, hang on a moment. Let's just remember back to the book we just grabbed. Yeah.

That you ultimately ended up throwing across the room. Yeah. are we not we're not bringing that with that i don't want that book let's get the fuck out of here see you later books yeah I kind of want to say real life I kind of want to burn books but I would never ever say that in real life

what are you saying friend are you saying that maybe we should just tell philip the plank that we accidentally set the room on fire and set it on fire kind of it wouldn't be unheard of we were firing at the worms with firebolts not a moment ago what's a what's a little accident if we're concerned everybody do an insight check about what this means 23

nice you'll you'll fix something up from what will people just said uh 20 this is worth uh using the swarovsky or whatever it is very pretty You can read it. Now, Brian has to see through the glitter.

Oh, yeah. Glitter dice. What was this for? Glitter dice. Insight, in sight. Ken had the only under 20 roll so far. Hey. Hey, buddy.

Yeah, you blew it. 14. Ah, nice. If you had a 20, you're thinking about how little people are just putting out major Kuatawa plans for town. It does feel like Philip the plank, although he was on the up and up with you, might not necessarily be bananas.

benevolent after taking over the town. Weird realization as you're, you know, people of power or wanting to at least run the ends and outs of this town will be down here taking over. And there is a certain amount of defanging that would happen if you were to burn the room. Guys, look out. There's a monster over there.

And I fire a firebolt at one of the shelves. to try to nuke the whole thing or like start the whole thing on fire? I'm just going to start a small fire to begin with. Guys, look out. A few books are on fire now. I don't know. Remember how that fire

got out of control? Totally. The one that we set as we went deeper into the place and then had to get passed on the way out. Well, yeah, let's leave. Okay. Or get towards leaving. Wait, can we get to the exit? at the library room and before we...

Oh, easily. I mean, it's a small room. You can kind of go through the big hole you punched in the wall, the little cage. Let's sit the library and fire. I'd love that. Are there any other ways out of the library besides what we came in?

Not that you can see. It seems like people were maybe teleporting in here. So, yeah, you tried really hard to find another way and you couldn't. My plan, my thought, my suggestion is let's start the fire, wait about 10 minutes, and then we'll then start heading over towards because we have to go to the plank now, right, to check in.

So let the fire go a little bit. Okay. Sure. Are you going to stay in the basement or go upstairs? No, I think we got, let's not kill ourselves, you know? And we can start the fire. Most boring song you've ever heard. It's a list of things, not quite in chronological order.

And 110 cornets close to me. All right. And another, yeah. Okay, so you're going to wait where? 88. Let's, 10 minutes where? Get close. Maybe it's five minutes.

Let's just make sure the fire is really going before we go tell anybody that could try and put the fire out. That's about 90 seconds. You see the fire starting to spread across other books. They were all my friends, and they died. I'll light it up one more time, another spot. Okay. There goes. Anybody else?

Another 90 seconds, it now seems like two of the six bookshelves or have a row of books on fire. Anybody else want to fire a fire or fire bolts? Yeah, sure. Yeah. All the shelves are now starting to burn. There's vertical flames starting to shoot up towards the ceiling. Do we have to run across that ceiling?

Yes. Okay, we should get going probably. Let's go. You had upstairs and there's smoke coming up through the floorboards. Good call. you head into the back door I'm getting the hell out I might fire one more firebolt

towards this staircase once we're clear of it just to be kind of like don't follow us monsters I hope there did we remember to turn off the security cameras if I check the cameras I do believe also Twiddin slash Chris Tallman is referencing the fact

that the thieves guild have ears in the alleys so if you do shout anything like that you are perhaps creating a trail of evidence. We barely escaped with our lives. That was close. Yeah, good thing we got out of there.

We've distracted them by setting that entire library on fire. All right, well, let's go. What's his name? Philip? The plank, yes. Yeah, let's go tell the one's up. Can everybody roll a perception check? Yes.

I totally can. And I will. Oh, 19 plus. three, 22. Nice. 17. 20. Jesus.

Those of you hit a 20, look over your shoulder on a hunch. And sure enough, City Hall is starting to burn. Yep. The pillar of black smoke, sort of mixed with the fog. I got a 20. Yeah, it's hard to see through this thick green fog, but there's clearly like a thickness, almost choking smoke if you turn around. Chokey-talkie.

Well, let's head to the plank. You guys head to the small park east of City Hall. There is, of course, a bush. You walk through, that's just an illusion bush. Head down, knock on the door, the orc comes to. And, of course, because you can speak orcas, he's... Oh, how do you do?

Takes you to the table. It's a Tony Randall Ork. But those of you can't speak org here. He goes off to grab. That's the Jack Klugman. Philip the plank. Solid or, dude. And before long, Philip comes in, again, dressed like a gnome, perhaps.

Not necessarily gnomish clothing, but wearing a humanoid's clothes you have never seen on another Kuatowa. Same as last time. Same as last time. Is it Halloween? Same as last time. just like last time. This is a tradition now. Every time you've met him,

he seems to be dressed to live amongst the land walkers. Is it done? Oh, yeah. For sure. The shit is done out of it. How did it go? Pretty good.

Up in smoke? What? Things are kind of burning. We had to deal with some monsters. We came as quickly as we could. Oh, boy. Boy, it turns out there was a cult there and a statue that we had to destroy. And there was a pentagram with chairs and they were firing sort of lightning at each other.

I mean, it was, the worms, there was a worm wizard. Remember guys? The worm wizard? Jesus. Worms. But good news, we resolved your problem. And the whole building is on fire? Yes.

Well, no, yes. Part of the building. Well, the whole building. Twitten, that's a deception check. Oh, I would say it's not the whole building 16 I mean, I know you're trying to be honest But I think you're also trying to know

Plus 13 30 No, sorry, 29 That would be amazing That is he He doesn't detect that you might be softening the truth I give him a wink

I'm like Hey Now you are a nattie dresser Thank you. I was not expecting the whole building to go down. If you remember, I asked you to remove. Yeah, please. We'll send us over the fire crew.

That's why we're here. I will. Please hold on a moment and we'll discuss next steps momentarily. I must use a communication device farther into the guild. One moment. Breaker one now. Bristle one, nine. This is KT.

everybody roll an insight check what's he supposed to be given us he's going to give you directions on how to get all the way down 18 into the ruins 21 19 plus 10 29

that's a bunch 17 17 okay 29 though he's not just seeing if some Kuatoa will put out the fire he's probably checking the factual accuracy of

it happened as much as you can with the thieves inspection spells you should and trying to assess the situation and it does take a while to come back yes we've we've got the fire under control but there's quite a lot of damage we were really uh hoping to use the building immediately as a staging ground uh for you know bringing the town back uh oh elbow grease little uh fucking electric Bougaloo, too, you know, everybody in fun, colorful overalls painting the community center. This does complicate things for me. Sure, I'll bet. Oh, man, would I, uh...

But we did manage to destroy the statue. Yep. And ended the curse. Which we only wanted ended so we could use the building. Great. And now you can. The building is mostly not there. Why do you wear all those known clothes?

Uh, persuasion check. 58. Uh, 26. Diplomatic reasons. I'll need to talk to people in other towns as well as humanoids who might not be particularly friendly. Oh, for a second. I thought maybe you were, came from a gnome household. No.

Well, I'm so excited that now the Kuatowa can move freely throughout the same. as it should always have been. They kind of could. It was this building. They could not enter a building full of extremely delicate documents. Thanks to Spicoli. Who? You.

Thanks to you and us. We saved the day. Oh, yeah. You did not save the day. You did what you. Oh, you must, I suppose. But this was for a cause that has now failed. Now, how about getting us underground?

How does that work? Persuasion checkplace. what is it to us 27 I didn't know we were going to piss this guy up I mean you needed to ask you to clear a relic out and you burn the building down he wanted to get in the building

you'll get in there I forgot about that burning the evil books than the building very well I don't suppose you'd be willing to help me further my original reason. What does that mean?

I was trying to restore a Kuatawa control to Deltmuth. This is no longer possible. Well, once, I mean, I mean, whoever's in control of Delzbeth, it's going to be kind of a shithole when Caius shows up, right? So maybe we could all

focus on the task at hand. Very shortly, after you go down, you should know there will be quite a lot of bloodshed. So yeah Who's gonna die I'll show you

But the humans and elves are organizing A attack to eradicate the Kulahua from Delsmith And we are going to need to defend ourselves Without the benefit of the safety of City Hall Well Maybe underground Why was City Hall so safe Now

Well there are ancient documents From our people That were being filed the way there that we had no access to that would show we used. I'm not putting at the fire instead of yelling at us. I mean, at first, right now there are 20 Kuatawa ensuring every last Denver

has doused. I am here to see what else can be done in the way of damage control. You don't seem particularly interested in participating, so I'm merely warning you when you come above ground, it's likely the entire Kuwaitoa community will be halberd to

halberd with the elves and humans. And perhaps gnomes if the gnomes decide to take aside. We have a coot to our friend. Is it not me? Well, I mean, not that you're not a peach.

Remember that guy who guided us around and gave us the fishbowl helmets and he beat the shit out of the barbarian. He beat the shit out of Siam. Remember you guys had a big fight in a pit? Yeah. A good guy. Bullet Bull is the

is the doofy guy you met the first. Go-Gol is the barbarian. Well, just you know, those guys are good by us, and we definitely back them up. We might even invite them to come with us on our trip. We'll see. Sounds like they might be needed up here. He stares at you on blinking and silence.

All right. All right. Well, once again, the Thieves Guild proves to be friends of the community. Do you want to show us where we can go? Very well. Come with me to the quarter docks. Do you need a stock up or anything? Do we need the long rest before we go on the next leg of our adventure?

What time is it? We could use a long rest, I think. It is about 5 p.m. I mean, does that work? Is there a time factor as far as when you can show us? You know, it's not like the door opens in moonlight or anything. I would say you've probably got. about an hour before the battle begins.

Good short rest. Wow. Can short rest. You may want to take a night's sleep below ground. Oh, fun. All right. Maybe we'll begin and find, like, a safe spot inside. Okay.

I don't believe there will be a safe place up above ground in the city. All right. And you're in charge? Are you leading this thing? No one's in charge now. I could have been in charge, but now it will be a matter of who's left alive. Well, we love Bullable and was it Greg? We'll have to see how good old Bullable is at fighting an army.

Unless, of course, you do want to help our cause still, which just sounds like you're not interested. It sounds like you're taking a neutral stance. How did we help your cause? Well, it seems you're quite good at burning down valuable buildings. Jesus Christ. Right now, the medieval... The majority of the humans and elves are planning their onslaughts of wiping clean the Kulatoa of Delsmus.

And they are all in the barracks building on the southwest side of town. Yeah, let's fight for them. What else we're going to do with? If you could lock or bar the doors to the barracks and set it on fire, we could experience something straight out of children of the corn too, the final sacrifice, and burn it to the ground. Burning stuff down is not really our style. That's not really our thing. Hmm, I suppose I'm talking to the wrong arsonists then. Heroes, you're mispronouncing that, hero.

Right, the dindong danglers. Don't know who that is. That's our names. We are going to attempt it ourselves. If you would like to participate, you can ensure the court people will not be killed in their homes, women and children included. Well, I guess we need a minute to talk. We were really wanting to get to start on this. Very well, I'll step out again and leave you to this Eveskilled meeting room.

I'll be back in a few minutes. This guy. I mean, he steps out. Just behavior alone. I don't want to do what he says. It's like working for Ben Stein. Well, here's the thing. We do like the Guatowa.

We think they're great. And this is the first shady Guatowa that you've got. Yeah, well, we didn't know. burning the books would lead to fucking, fucking everything up. Poplips. What if we seek out our Kuwaitoa friends and see what they say?

Joffrey feels like we should help them out because Joffrey fucked up, but you guys don't have to you. I think you would dispassive insight. Those friends of yours may already be being asked to put on militia gear and start fighting. All right, well,

maybe we can meet them. Let's help them. Admiral Akbar will give a big speech. It's not as much helping this guy. Yeah, no. As it is the greater bid. No, I, it definitely seems as though giving him the books would have been a bad idea. Yeah, he's a real stingo.

Yeah, fuck him. So you're going to, you have a plan? What are you going to say when he comes back? I guess he's got to give us a fucking map or something. They're like, hey, listen, we're going to stick around. Yeah, let's tell him we're going to stick around. Okay. We'd like to still know.

We'll provide his services. He opens the door. All right. What have you decided? Well, we're going to help out. All right. Well, here's how I think this should go. Allow me, as planned, to fulfill my side of the previous bargain, in good faith.

Let me take you to the Kuatawa docks myself. Show you our unmapped passage that we use to collect things from the ruins. far below. The humans and elves don't know about it. It is not included in your vault map, but you will want your vault map at the other side of this. So hang on to that map. It will be valuable once you take our little tunnel, but it's something of a wet mudslide down. And once you see it, I will show you to the southwest side of town where this meeting is taking place, but we should hurry. All right. Yes. Let's buggy. He, um, For the first time, the plank of any species does not leave the room and walks up with you instead of through the back door to the innards of the Thieves Guild and emerges from the bush with you, walks you down to the familiar place where you once slept in a tent and met the goofy old fisherman with jars full of worms in his jacket.

He shows you one tent that looks very unassuming, but it is a little bigger than the other ones. And once you push aside the panel and go inside, he starts shoving some crates aside. And you see a hole, a dark, unlit, muddy hole. Nice. As you can see, this is a very deep hole. Hopefully, it looks strange enough that you think, oh, this is not just a hole in the middle of a tent. This is a purposeful. You're welcome to inspect it.

I recommend you take a quick look, so you know, exactly. exactly what I'm offering. I guess we will all take turns inspecting the hole. Come and inspect the hole. Yeah. I'll give guidance. All right. You offer guidance.

Send me sure you're clocking all of this. Investigation check, everybody. So terrible. 18 plus guidance, hang on. 20. 14 plus 11. 25 wow oh wait a minute I have that crazy fucking jack of old trades 22 oh we're expecting the shit out of this show I did terrible keep

sorry keep going yeah we got some plus plus 20 nice what did you guys get again 20 25 21 22 22 and then a not so hot so from twiddin not so hot so it's one of my favorite phrases Brian you all lean over the hole and peer down perhaps those who rolled over a 20 would automatically think to grab a torch or light source as you peer down it's a rough rough-hewn dirt hole you are right on the coast you had expected to be filled with water no more than a couple of feet down but it is not after a couple of feet it does form a mudslide that seems to go into a turn at one point it's vertical for only about five feet and then it curves and appears to have solid like mudslide

like marble walls that are magically, like, clean. It looks really good, but there is mud on the floor. And it looks like the Kuatoha slide up and down this, perhaps easily up and not as easily for you. They slide up like a penguin, can you mean? Yeah, exactly. In defiance of gravity, that's interesting. No, like a trout.

I don't know with that. Yeah. Okay. The Kuatua. You've seen them work already in deep, thick, dark mud, and know that they have an ability to give me it looks at it looks like especially because some of you beat at 20 it looks like it is thick like you won't just be sliding out like it's a water slide like you will be half submerged in it as you slide down it's a very steep incline so hopefully after the dispatch of the whatever bunk with all the army in it we can hook back up with our kuotowa friends maybe they can guide us yeah Guide us down here. Well, you can tell this is at least legitimate.

I know it may not be comfortable, but yes, if you help us, you will potentially be ridding us of 100-plus armed humanoid to intend to wipe us out as a species. So it will not exactly be kind-hearted, folk you're murdering, and you will be freeing up our finest warriors. I'm in. I'm in. Yeah, so sure. I certainly would be happy to send you down with our honor guard, our most trusted warriors. We just have to take care of this little bit of dirty business first. All right. Well, let's get dirty.

Yep. He escorts you to the southwest side, and there's a familiar dark building. If you look at the map, there's a big building right before you get to Sagutown. And as you approach, you note that there are two elven guards with hallbirds. come with me a little bit south here you avoid the building after it's been pointed out to you you know that's the barracks you're about to go back to and a group of Kuatowa

I'm just going to check which figurines I brought bomb bomb bomb six Kuatowa with a variety of weapons are waiting for you on the north side clearly Philip has sent word from the thieves guild to Soggy Town to have people ready. These six warriors are going to help bar and douse the building. We just need to take care of the guards out front and bar everything before they start leaving.

All right. All right. But there is something of a military tribunal happening in there. Great. Well, first things first, we're going to take out these guards, right? Yeah. Yeah. Now, these two, I'll just try to put it as diplomatically as possible, maybe your only chance to save lives.

I'm certainly not threatened by two gods, but our warriors would happily murder them. If you would like to take diplomatic route, here's your moment to try to get them to go home. I mean, I don't, I'm not so sure. Hey, leave so we can burn all of your friends to death. as I can think this could be an act of deception I'm leaving it up to you I mean see that you really I think we should just send a coup of toilet let's go snuff me I mean why are we leaving them alive and not their friends okay cool you just like to snuff them I'm not me you just sit here two at toes could very well

we'll do the dirty business if you could just provide a small distraction we can make it quite quick and efficient sure I'm sure we can come up with those I'll throw up a chromatic order, I guess. And I'll sing a couple of original songs. Well, fun. Now, what do you mean by throw up a chromatic order? You're just going to throw a spell at them and attack them? Maybe not, hang out.

I got minor illusion, which is a sound or a smell. That's much more of a distraction than firing a spell out. Do you have that as well? That's what I was thinking. I was coordinating illusions. Yeah. Finally using your illusions? I do not have that.

Brian heard it. we'll create some sort of spaghetti incident thank you it's starting to rain and you realize what month it is you commit a oozy suicide I thought I heard it welcome to the bunghole I'm gonna be under cantrips if you are fun

and games I have I have minor illusion does anybody else have that I do not do not under spells do you have that Brian uh minor illusion Because I think you guys have something, right? I have pressed the digitation. All right, I'll just use it. How about I do the sound of what's the, okay, so they're guarding the,

it's a large, yeah, it's a building with the windows sort of blacked out. So you can't tell what's happening around. So I'll make the sound of like somebody snapping on a twig to draw the two guards towards, or so they're not facing the Kuatoua. who are about to slaughter them. So, yeah, it's a pretty wide space in front of this building. The street sort of falls into a little cobblestone front area in front of the building. You explain this to Philip, and he says, yeah, like, if you were to create the distraction out closer to the intersection,

it'll be much easier for his folk to sneak up behind it. I can cast it up to 30 feet from me. All right. please roll a deception check and then tell us how it looks a deception check all right five but because I have

whatever it is the silver tongue my deception's become automatic 10 and then such an insane 23 cool all right

and so the tell us how it looks yeah well again it would be just the sound of like a footstep snapping on a twig to get their guards attention and go over in that direction. Okay. Or whatever the ground is like, if it's more rocky, you know, the sound of like

foot stepping on gravel or something. So there's like a crunch noise. Sure. One of the guards completely doesn't hear it, but the other one goes, pokes the other one. Gross. They start like sneaking, but you see it's really obvious. You guys are all hidden in the shadows just like sort of.

of like in an alley between two buildings, trying to be as unassuming as possible, while six Kuatowa sneak around behind them. I mean, you guys want to get in on this? I try not to laugh and as stupid they are. Five successes in a botch on their stealth checks. And it feeds a place. One of them slips.

Another catches him. A couple people actually critted those stealth checks. So I'm going to cancel it out. And you just see, as they start to get almost close enough where you're like, oh, we should duck into the alley so they don't see us kind of peeking. You just, one of the Kuatua just lightning goes right up behind him silently, takes a spear and just up through the back of their armor. And you just see just, wow.

And the other one pivots around. It's very Excalibur Misses The soldier attacks him Hits him pretty hard The others swoop in The two Kuatowa

Kick the elves to the ground And just Just rip them apart They just start sticking their spears In their ribs And just splaying them open There's just like Inners flying everywhere

Does Philip the plank Go up and explain How disappointed he is in them he stares blankly all right let's bar the door yeah let me gotta pour out what

cassahol or oil we'll have our folk go around in the alley and take the sides if you can handle the front of the building the front doors sure I will put guidance

especially on our sneaky thieves all right let's get stealth checks from everybody please I'll give you all guidance of course I have disadvantage am I maybe better off not approaching, so it's not to fuck everything up. It's totally legit.

I'll give you guys guidance before you. They might want to roll a little higher on their next role, but yeah. 21. The crafting roll. Got 21 stealth, which you get a shalab. 21. Spikoli's stealth. Yeah.

A D4, if you want to add it to your stealth. Yeah. Okay. Which is already pretty good, I think. 27. Silently, you glide up, and now it is time to bar the building. Let's get survival checks from you please how far do you have to meet it way to cast guidance now I can have to touch it touch it yeah that's why I was like I give it to them before they

give it to them and they go they've used it on their self yeah 18 12 plus six yeah low what was it survival shit yeah six oh great I'm gonna rerow Nice. Luck. Nope. Got over here. Oh, again. Jesus Christ.

Did you have guidance on that survival or no? It didn't matter because it was too bad. Too far away. Okay. Okay. Okay. So that's 14. Okay.

You guys are having trouble doing it quickly. You can see Philip is starting to look back and forth, hoping his men will come around and help you, but it's not happening. Spicoli is having a little trouble with the front doors, two large wooden doors. There's just not a lot to bar them with. There's some large stone pots that look like they used to have plants or trees in them that are now empty. And Spikoli, you can kind of like roll them in front of the doors so they don't open. But it's not going to provide a ton.

And it doesn't feel like the doors are that hard to kick out. Can I mage hand to help them lift stuff? Um, to you, how much weight can a mage hand? I think it's 10 feet or 10 pounds Yeah, the stone pots that Spicoli would have been shoving around weigh like 50, 60 pounds each. How far away from them

am I? You are 60 feet. Shit. There's that cobblestone landing in front of the building I was talking about separates you. So it's the street plus some distance. I mean, I guess when closer, I'm just another body. I don't have any

spells that can can we just light up the door there are wooden handles but you'd have to find something long to like bar through it you'd have to sacrifice an item or something do you have a spear or just something big on them

that they can use cane but I don't know if that's going to do anything the magic cane yeah sort of it's long enough wouldn't it work sure it would work you're potentially sacrificing it though it's about to get nuked

that's okay okay well do does anyone have this a regular sword or something that you could have extra sword? A standard non-magical sword would probably not hold as well as the magic cane. Got it.

Oh, I have a spear with something. Also, the magic cane is going to have the thickness that would go through it pretty easily. Okay. And this is going to be used up, right? Gone. Yeah. It's going to say that rod that you can like put in midair.

The immovable rod? The immovable rod. Movable rod. But yeah, it is the best possible thing in the Dungeons and Dragonsverse that you could borrow nor with and it would survive a fire. As with this thing too though, right? The veterans I would say with your passive insights you're not sure

if you think it has a decent chance but the moveable rod you're like yeah movable rod would not be damaged does anybody have it? You still have to fish it out. Oh did we ever have an immovable rod? It sounds familiar but we had one I thought you had one. Huh I do not think it's in my inventory

I'll tell you, I'll spoil our alert. There was one hidden in the campaign, but I think you got it. Yeah, because I remember we, you know, we figured it out. Was it, did Ken have it? I don't see. You know what? No. I think we're going to have to decide how we're barring this door on our next episode.

Sam, what do you think happened today? Episode 41. Ken opened a desk. We're talking to an or a gnome or a Kuatawa. There's a fire going on. Someone should put it out. This guy wants us to help burn the place down. We're going to use our.

We put a spear through a soldier's neck and two dwarves got killed by Kuatelis. They're laughing and drinking it and have it a party. Dan Telfer.com if you'd let me be your dungeon master, I would happily do it. I do one-shots. I do biweekly. I do monthly. I do it all. I'll make it real pretty for you.

Weird. So the last Christmas The last Christmas The last Christmas Yeah or grommets Yeah Grommets That's it

Brianprisoned.com And then Thanks for supporting Nerd Poker on Patreon We appreciate it Blaine We attribute the success Save mankind

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