Nerd Poker - The Fog Campaign - Episode 6

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

It's time to sneak below the city and see what it's like to join A FACTION! A thieve's guild at that. Perhaps we can get a better sense of how dangerous Fenn the thief is this way, or better yet we can break into that drow mansion TONIGHT! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker

Hey, it's Brian Postain, nerd poker. We're calling it The Thug Campaign. My friends are here, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, of course our kick-ass DM Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerdpoker. Hey everybody it's Brian Poussain. If you're listening to Nerdpoker this is going to be a fun one. Episode 6 of the Fog Campaign. Everybody got a contact tie from my vape pen. Cherry.

Our pals are here. Ken? I refuse to have fun this episode. Chris? I'm going to have twice the fun. You're ready for episode 6 blame are we having fun yet yes Dan's here hey baby I don't like the way pot affects you

Things got real smooth though. Yeah. Like we're doing smooth jazz radio here. It's podcast. At the end of the table. Everybody's favorite. She's Russell, Russell, Russell. She's out of reach. Sounds like a Flintstone snark in her car. It's a living. She's out of reach.

It's a living. It's Sam. Everybody. Hello. Sweet. Children. Talk about a silky voice, huh? Sweet children. Sweetest of sugar children people are gonna be pulling their headphones off and what do we got we should thank some people we're gonna do it we're gonna thank patreon supporters you, this podcast lives because of you. Ain't no network. Most time, maybe not even sponsor. It's just y'all.

And if you subscribe at the top two tiers on Patreon, I mean, here for just great we have sponsors sometimes but I just want to say a special shout out to folks like Zen Smoke. Thank you Zen Smoke. Thank you Makin Lee or Makin Lay. Thank you Usneez. Oh Jesus Christ. Too hot. Too hot babe. Too hot. Thank you Usneez, father of a chew. Thank you Jody Freeze. Thank you Mr. G. Thank you Rose Danick. Thank you Never Go Full Drow. Thank you the man from Uncle Owen Wilson Phillips Seymour Hoffman. That's like a Doug Benson bit.

Oh my god. Thank you Don't Forget Larry. Thank you Lucky's Pool Hall. Thank you Dr. Uyd's Lean Mean Green Beans. Dr. Uyd voice Get Your Beans! Thank you Callum Kennedy. Thank you, Pish Posh Pagosh. Thank you, Lord for My Two Nutsacks.

This episode's already had two jump scares. We just got started. And well, thank you, Smack Dab in the Middle. Smack Dab in the Middle. Smack Dab in the Middle, oh, I scared myself. Thank you, A Chad in the middle. Smack dab in the middle. Oh, I should have scared myself. Thank you, a Chad that doesn't suck. Thank you, Kaya the Wonder Poodle. Thank you, Rabuno.

Thank you, Rabuno. And finally, thank you, Can't Wait for the new Nerd Poker Spinoff, Sarah's Hot Takes with Blaine and Billy. I love Kaya the Wonder Dog. I love when stoners get to name dogs. Kaya. Kaya sense of me, you betcha. Hosier, that was my favorite under the influence dog, Hosier from Strange Brew. Oh, yeah, that's a classic.

Made me laugh so hard as a kid, just rolling backwards up the house. For no reason. Hosier the dog flies, grows a cape. Is it Hoser or Hosehead? Hosehead. Is it Hosehead? I think so. I think that's how I had the dog. When he grows the little Superman cape and flies.

I don't know. It was 40 years ago. I just watched it recently, though. It holds up. I bet because it's just so. Any SCV thing holds up. Max von Sydow as the crew meister. I could crush your skull. That's so fucking great. But even going to their premiere of their own movie with Mobs in the beginning. When we were writing the Run Runny Run,

we were talking about how to start start a movie and Bob and I were both talking about that movie being such a great way to like start a comedy. Yeah. It's so funny. It brings you into those guys. Yeah. It sets up that it's them doing a TV show on a big screen. Yeah. Yeah. It was so smart and such a smart way to do that. And then fucking around with the lion. Yeah. Hilarious. I just saw a Maudland's 11. Did you ever see that one? Where Sammy Maudland and all those guys, Willie B Williams and Bobby Bittman and his son, and they're doing an Ocean's 11 heist.

Yes. Where they're ripping off Danny Thomas. He keeps all this money in his pants in his dressing room. And it just falls apart the perfect way. They're just, yeah, they're the smartest. They really were. Watch SCTV everyone, it's great. Oh my, oh my lanta. Go check out SCTV.

Every single person who came out of there, I mean, you'll recognize if you don't watch already, you'll recognize from like all this other shit. Tony Rosado. I saw that in a Duke. I saw just SNL, but like people you're like, what came out? And I remember being at my grandma's house and going, this is better in the Saturday Night Live. Oh yeah.

They're having more fun. Yeah. It was crazy. Sorry. No, John Candy was funnier on there than he ever got to be in a movie. So if you ever want to know why people I mean, play streams on the deals. He was really amazing. They were always Rick Moranis. Yeah, they're always a big Mr. Show inspiration for me. It was like everybody else was a Python guy. But I was like, man, SCTV was always my thing. When we were on MADtv, our director was John Blanchard. He did SCTV and he would always like it.

I would always try to put a dummy shot, like for somebody would do a dummy would have someone that would happen to a dummy because he was like, I'll do anything to get a dummy shot. I love your dummy shot. So always write a dummy shot. I love your dummy shot. So, always write a dummy shot. Classic. Cool. Oh, can I do this really quick? You know what we think folks,

and now it's time to say, Blaine, those folks we thanked, who are they brought to us by? Brought to us by Couple of Noodles. When you're too broke to afford a whole cup of noodles. Couple of noodles, damn. Thanks, Blaine. Hey, Blaine, hmm. Would you like to know what happened last time?

A nude poker? Yeah, sure. That was a special jump scare intentional edition. Our heroes? Question mark. Our prancing about the town of Delphomith at three in the morning, checking out mansions to break into, making deals with thieves guild and now we take you to the room above the pasted almond where they are talking about deals. So you guys are up there with little peepers. Have we long rested?

You have not long rested. You've taken a point of exhaustion and now you're resting and now it is morning. Okay. We're not going to need to go through the usual you're going on watch just because it's a great place to start a new adventure. Y'all, knowing if you went downstairs, there's the sound of bustling breakfast downstairs doesn't sound like there's nearly as many folks, but you can hear the sound of dishes clanking. Lil Peepers is already up writing in his own book of binding his notes on what you've learned so far, and he sees all of you sort of rising. He says, well, well, well, hello.

It's a good day. Quick recap tomorrow. We will be done with up here and we can head into the caverns or we can keep running about town. It's up to you. But I would love if we had this one tool, this one sward, which will help us fight. I mean, we're trying to power up. We're trying to buy zings. And we can also, if you like, spend the day shopping. We will try to break in at 5 p.m. That is when this silly, evilish, drow named Alathor is going to be at some sort of meeting for this group he is in.

And then, you know, while he is out, we will break in. All right. I will tell you. I think what's her name might be doing the same thing. That's the thing I was going to talk to you about. I had a note slid under the door last night from her. What? Yes, she left a note. Like a sex note?

If it's code, I'll let you decide for yourself. No, I don't think a sex note should be in code. Well, I don't know. Maybe that's your kink. She's offering us a discount on the intel that she'd offered us last night. Five gold. Ooh, hot. Okay. They hand you the note. He hands you the note and it says...

Burb-a-derb-a-derp. No, it doesn't say that. I'm just looking at my notes. No, it doesn't say that. I'm just looking at my notes. For only five gold, I'll let you know how to work a window or how to traverse a mausoleum. Good luck. Seems you didn't do it last night. Fender strat. So she knows we didn't go in there.

So she's either keeping an eye on us or she's keeping an eye on the place. Well, she's in the guild too, I'm guessing. Yeah, she said seems. I mean, I think the fact that... I think that is a good... that is an assumption she is in the guild, yes. So that would in some ways explain why she seems one step ahead of us. She is leaning on their intel. We all know. Yeah. All right. Well, maybe we should go by... I know this is something, Spicoli, you were interested in maybe joining the Thieves Guild? I don't know, it just feels like...

The only downside is there might be certain without breaking the fourth wall. It's an opportunity being in front of us. D&D, the fourth wall gets kicked out all the time. Well, what about this? What about Little Keepers? We can join the Thieves Guild. Is that the only thing we can join? Are there other, you said it was like gang. Yes, it is sort of like a gang, if you will. There are other folk who work along the docks in certain crime related things.

Folks we may want to talk to if we are going to go into the fissure in the sea to go into the caverns. Right now, that is the only way we know into the caverns. There's an underwater cave we can get into if we dive into the fizzure. We'd have to get in a boat to go out there. And there are sea brigands. There is a group of sea brigands that would not like us to be in the local thieves guild if they're going to work with us. There is some pirates that show up locally that would like us to not be in the thieves guild. The pirates are called the silent curtain.

The sea brigands are called the table. Well let's not join the pirates or the sea guild till after. But if we can only join, can we switch guilds? Yeah, so it would just be like any sort of initiation cancelled where there would be a certain amount of disappointment depending on what interactions you've had thus far Do guilds ever work together? In rare occasions, of course, there's a rare occasion for everything an exception for every rule I mean, I know this makes sense to me for the three youth thieves like

And I'm happy to join the thieves guild as well. But I mean like Unless somebody wants to be a sea monster or whatever they are, like... We'll just be... You know, much as the Seabrigans are called the Table, we will be sitting at a table. We will be getting caught up in their drama. There's a chance they'll want favors. There's a chance they'll be keeping an eye on us in a way we don't particularly like. However, I have been in a Thieves guild before. It was a pleasant experience. I'm still technically a member of a thieves guild

to the north. So there's no way to get in without having to go in through this, what were you calling it? A chasm or? Mausoleum. Not that we know of, but that could be part of what we do next. Perhaps tomorrow we talk to our new friend

down to the Southwest, down in Sagetown the Kuwaiti quarter now this when you were talking to the guild do they know this fan Fox I did not inquire it seemed a bit forward perhaps if we were joining the guild that would be an appropriate question well we go to being seeing as we don't have anything to do until five and that's you know what half of the day let's say let's go talk to the thieves guild and maybe you know they'll give us the intel that they gave her you know right at least I'm wearing the same footing. Sure. All right would one of you like to be

the emissary this time oh cuz right we knew you go in and not us I could go in but I just as a gesture of trust perhaps if one of you would like to get your eyes on I'd be happy to do it again I'm happy to go but again like I should just I'm not a thief so I will happily represent the group but in terms of you need not be a thief you'll merely say you would like to join a network to get work done then I will on behalf of the group I will happily do that he he takes you all downstairs there's a big meaty eggy breakfast available if you would all like to

partake drop a silver down they They have the little, one of those machines that distributes fruit loops. Yeah, a little make your own waffle mix. Where it looks like a little film on top of the waffle mix. Hey, it's a hotel. Little tortilla machine skin, El Vachino. Oh yeah, minus one silver if you'd like the big hearty breakfast,

otherwise you've got rations you can dip into. The hearty breakfast will of course you know last you pretty much all day. You'll just want something a little nibble before bed. Yeah. So mark that down money as a thing and after that. Moons over Miami. Denny's. I just went to Denny's for the first time in maybe 20 years. Oh it's terrible. It's still terrible right? It's uh well here's the thing. Worse than ever. I went to like the local Denny's and the local Baker's Square in the Chicago suburbs and the point was never that it was good. Smoking in restaurants was legal back then when I was in high school. Like it was dingy and dumb but it was a diner. You went so you could get cheap whatever the hell you wanted in large portions. So yeah, I mean there was a time I would eat at Denny's.

That time is long past. I would go to almost any diner and order steak fries and ranch dressing. Sure. And a refillable coffee. That diner for sure. That is, yeah, regular diner though. Denny's not so much a thing. I will say, I did do it, that's what I ordered.

And it was disappointing compared to say the house of pies. House of pies has much better steak fries and ranch dressing. Yeah. What's the other one, Astro? Astro's great. Astro is fantastic. Awesome. Those are my diners. Nice. Those are my diners. I love that old diner, the Madonna Inn. Oh yeah. The copper and copper kettle. Yeah, this is so awesome. Oh, I went to the one we

went to though, one time too, Blaine. What was it? Foxy's? Is that what it's called? Roxy's? Oh yeah, Foxy's over by the Glendale Gallery. Yeah. that's actually my favorite. It's just a little pricey. Spending lovies out in Calabasas? I know, I've seen it. I've never been. It's great. It's good. We'll go check it out. That's that same guy. I'll take my breakfast group. Yeah. Cool. And you know, Norm's is fine. Yeah. Anyway, speaking of Foxy's, we were at a restaurant the other day and oh boy, when I was in Wenatchee, Washington, and this woman goes, we've got really good ranch dressing and I'm like, it is, you know, it's ranch dress. Yeah. What are you going to do?

Yeah. So it's clearly boggled. Yeah. Yeah. Tasted like a ranch. Oh, lovely. When actually is like in the middle of these hills, they got a bunch of like old artsy folks. They got a college. It's a small little town. You've been there. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I did a show there in 2019. Great. So you head on up to the northeast corner, Adele Smith. Twetton. Yes, I will walk down the... Go into Bush Mary stairs. As you are about to walk into the bush. The mighty bush.

Little Peeper says, well, one moment. For all joining, I believe there's a bit of a ritual. And he pulls out a dagger and offers to pass it around he takes you know like a little match flicks it earns the edge of it yo vials oh yeah drop a blood I guess poke drop sure y'all you all put in on whatever your own terms might be a drop of blood in these vials and corked him up and hand them over to twidden yeah I forgot about that I'm not telling you where it's from, but here he goes. Oh, why are you sitting inside your trench coat? What color is yours?

Testicle blood. Oh boy. All right. So Jane blood. Jane balls, Jane dress Chained your ass. Taint your wagon. Taint your wagon. That's a Mr. Show joke. So you, you, um,

you head on in the size of this guy's tent. You manage to not flinch as you walk directly into an ugly spiky bush. And your foot finds a step fairly easily. But it is a bit, unless you'd like to roll forward, a bit awkward trying to find your way into a staircase you cannot see. No, no, I am no thief.

I'm not proud. I will sort of, you know, carefully stumble my way down. With humility. Yes. All right. A lot of, why, why, why, nice lady. With the steps. Trip, trip, trip, trip, trip, trip, trip.

For a while, it's a bit disorienting having these images of branches and leaves come right up against your eyes, but none of them make contact. And before long, you're heading below ground level. There's no dirt where you'd expect dirt, just this sort of top skin like you would find on waffle mix at a hotel. Yeah, waffle skin.

And you are now in a torch lit staircase. It's very short and there is a wooden door with a sliding opening at eye level. I will knock knock. Hello, the seller's eye. Hello. The slot very quickly. And you see a pair of eyes look down on you. It's a very tall being.

It's on the other side. Looks kind of gruff. You'd guess probably some sort of a half-orc typeorc type silently stares at you waiting for what's next. Hello, hello, we've been sent on behalf of my party, we're ready to join the guild. I believe Lil Peepers was here yesterday discussing an approved mission and we wish to seal the deal and become full members. Hooray! I have vials of blood. A second slot opens at waist level. Vials! Clink clink clink clink. What's your name, friend? The door opens as you introduce yourself. Do you say Twidden? Do you tell them?

I'm Twidden. Hello? Hey. What's your name? Havish. Havish. Havish. Havish. Come. Havish come. Alright, let's go! No, not Havish come. All right, let's go. No, not Havish come. Just you come.

Yep. Well, and I will just strut. Strut's name's Nice Day. Who said that up there in the graveyard? Someone making fun of me. Oh, you know how those illusions are. Shall we? Yeah, it's like a dank dungeon now and you're escorted to what looks sort of like an interrogation room with a wooden table. It's a bit grimy. There's another door on the other side of the room. The walls are made of this sort of deuce, slick stone. There's torches lining every wall. But so far, Havish is the only person you've met so far. And it's indeed an orc, not a half-orc, but an orc.

It's why he's not quite as familiar with common. He gestures for you to sit down. If you speak orcish, I mean, you could probably, or try another language. You could probably have a more legitimate conversation with me. He doesn't seem to pick up everything you're saying. Does he speak under common? You'd have to try it. I will say, uh, do you speak undercommon? Oh hello nice to meet

you I'm Havish. Hey Havish, how are you? Sorry that was so complicated. I'm really David Nivot. If you've just started before. Oh I would love a cigarette thank you. If you just have a seat the plank will be here any moment. The plank, alright. Yes. That is the leader of your guild? It's a representative. We don't make clear who the leader is until you get to one of the upper rings of the guild. Oh, really? That's exciting. I told you. You have a real Rajah Ghul kind of thing. Yeah, you see what's happening right here. Alright, why don't you have a seat? And he

gestures to a wooden chair. Alright, thank you very much. Yes indeed. He exits the door he came in a few minutes past. The door opens and a high elf enters wearing very... Hey I love that dude. Very nice clothing. You don't recognize him but he definitely seems like somebody you wouldn't bump into at the tavern. You saw there's a few you know well-dressed folks at the tavern but this guy seems like someone who never gets his hands dirty and doesn't drink in public. Very, very polite, stern-looking high elf. I sit at the table and says, I am the Plank. You are of the Thelonious party. Thelonious

Pepperstep, I believe, was your representative. Yes, he, I believe, started negotiations yesterday, and I'm excited to say it sounds like we want to join up with you. We've received your files. Havish was kind enough to pass them along. I think that you're welcome to join. It's just a little bit of business to attend to. There is a ward cast on every wall of every alley in town. So if you discuss guild business in any way, shape or

form, it will send a message. We will hear the voice of the person who said it. We will know the location of where they said it. And that is information you can request. So if you are in an alley and you you think oh someone may have been here earlier in the day I would like to know what they said you can come to the guild and request this information and see if the person monitoring the alley talk just request the local alley talk. Request the alley talk, how, what an amazing magic. How did you guys do that? Uh, it's magic that predates the fog. So it's something that we've made sure was here before property

exchanged hands generations ago. Incredible. Uh, all right. Yeah. So, uh, but we will definitely, uh, take care and take that into account. Also, um, our friend, Fenn, she seems to be also attacking, trying to get that sword, huh? She was curious about you and was keeping an eye on you for us and for her own interests. I don't believe she is necessarily going to break in, but she was definitely wondering if she would watch you do it clumsily, professionally.

It was a project she decided on herself when she first saw Thelonious walk into town. Oh, I see. What's your guy's relationship with Little Peepers? Well, I believe as of today he is a member. We were aware he was in town. He seemed to be abiding all of our rules and not attempting any robberies that we knew of. Great. Of course, the occasional picking of pockets is something that just happens.

We simply do not speak of how the guild does not know. And you're familiar with all our members, right? You're familiar with Spicoli. I know your name's Joffrey Spicoli. Yes. I know that dude. All right, cool. Well then, unless there's anything else, names, Joffrey Spicoli. Yes, I know that dude. All right, cool. Well then, unless there's anything else, I guess we're just going to, you know, five o'clock today, we're talking about getting in there and getting to it.

Anything you want to share with us ahead of time? Oh, yes, just one more thing. Because of the services we provide, there are certain things you might not know you want until you're in a moment of intel curiosity. So you're welcome to stop by at any point and myself or the new representative when my service shift has ended will do their best to accommodate your wishes. So are you the table or do we always ask for the table? That's more like a department.

Oh, the table is the Sebriggans. I am known as the Plank. My real identity is something that we just politely leave out of this conversation. Should you bump into me in the street, perhaps I will introduce myself to you by my true name. But while I'm in this room, I am simply the Plank. And when you're off shift, is there a different Plank? That's what I'm trying to-

That is exactly what I am saying. My term ends in about a week. Sometimes things happen, people leave their shift early. You don't ask why their term is over, you simply just abide by whoever the plank is. If you are worried something's amiss, of course that's on you. To discover, investigate, what have you. But it's been a pretty good ship for, I would say, 300 years here in Del Smith. Wait, you've been here for 300 years?

I've only been here for about a hundred years, but the the So-is-I has been here for over 300. And you're retiring in a week? My term has ended. I might volunteer for another one. It's a volunteer system. You get a bit of additional intel if you've earned a place in the plank rotation. This is all new and all of a sudden like we're joining this group and all of a sudden like you know, captains retiring in a week, it just makes me a little nervous. I believe you now understand the benefits could be something that you don't even know you need until you need it.

The only thing we ask is if you are registering a job with us, when it is done, you explain to us the scale of which it is successful. You need not inventory every single thing that you have taken or every single thing that you have done, but we would prefer you express yourself with how you tell us the scale of the job. You mean like, if we get a bunch of gold gold we should probably leave some gold here for you guys? Not necessarily.

We're not asking for that right now. Now, we remind you, Spicoli is in the party so we just need this to be so clear. We just can't. All we ask is that you express yourself so that we may get to know you. If at some point we need gold we will let you know gold is needed for us to fetch intel for you, say. Express ourselves. Sometimes it is not gold that we want sometimes what we want is a promise sometimes what we want is intel of our own sometimes what we want is a favor

how many people are in the guild ish i know it's i'm trying to get a sense of the scope of this thing. More than you might think. Less than you might expect. It's not everyone in town, of course. It's not 10% of the town, but it's, let's just say more than a dozen folk. And what do you guys all call yourself? Sellers? Excuse me, I almost hiccuped. The eyes, we're eyes. We're eyes. Eyes of the seller.

Darren, you're wrong. It's wrong. And now this is because I just couldn't tell when it was heard. Now is this the seller's eye as in I am a merchant and I have things to sell or is this more like a seller's eyes and I peep up at you from below? It's a bit of fun sellerizing you walk downstairs to get here, sell as in it's a thieves guild so things are sold or traded or stolen. Got it okay just want to make sure I take notes I have to write things down. Sure by the way you now have a notebook you could actually write things down. All right cool well thanks so much. He nods, gets up, briskly walks away, shuts the door,

have his shoulders back up. Good to meet you. Twidden, I'll now escort you back up. Oh, all right. Welcome to Guild. Thanks. Do you have a request of Intel? Yeah, the place we're going today to steal the needle.

The map, yes. Well, what specific Intel would you like? I'm going to have to ask our listener. I know there's magic windows. We're trying to figure out a bestie. Now there's a gargoyle that turns you to stone if you get the question wrong. That is what Fen kept herself busy with last night. So she's saying we have to give her money in order to get her help. She asked us permission to request money from you. Okay.

And we allowed it. Do you think we should give her the money? I'll tell you right now for free. Oh, okay, cool. But if you had wanted it without speaking to us, it would have cost you a fee that she would have shared with us. Oh, so in that case, we were doing business with you.

Good to know. You would have, yes. you would have. However, she does things independently of us. She's new to town. She's told you herself. What I can tell you that she discovered last night is there is a Death Ward on every window. The Death Ward spell can be removed, but it is fairly complicated. I don't know that all of you will know that. There is a gargoyle beneath the mausoleum who will ask you a riddle and it is actually something that multiple people have gotten through over the years. The only problem of course is I do not know exactly what the riddle is. What I can tell you is the answer. The answer is the abyss.

It's on my shirt. It is! It's on his shirt, listen! Or a shirt with the password on it. How did you know? How did you know? Oh, well, that's pretty great. My shirt says follow your abyss. It says shirt for abyss. Threadless.com. Hey, wait a minute, Brian, don't grab anybody.

You head back upstairs, Twitten? Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. I relay everything to my friends. It sounds like we now have the password. We can just get right in there, right? Where is the password? The Abyss.

Oh, thank you. It's on the... Oh, there, yeah. Yeah, you get the sense that you would have had to face this riddle straight on if you had not paid Fenn or asked the guild. Interesting. All right. You wouldn't have asked the guild unless you joined the guild.

So you made choices that made it happen. Oh yeah. And I'll of course remind them like about the magic alleys and listen to everything. Yeah. So it was something you might want to keep in mind is if you want to know something, uh, your best bet is to try to figure out where somebody might be talking. Like if somebody might be talking, say in front of a bank, you might want to request,

has the listener caught anything from the alleys near the bank? Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. Get your pocket wherever they're staged. Also, I know one of you, I think it might be Brian knows Thieves Can't.

Yeah. So if you know Thieves Can't, that's not a speakable a thing it might be Brian knows, thieves can't. Yeah. So if you know thieves can't, that's not a speakable language, it's something you leave marks and so you understand what they mean. I think the three of you should all have it as thieves. If you're a thief class, which I think you're a sorcerer. I do have this one. I think, but yeah, Blaine might also have thieves can't. I don't know why this guy thinks so, I think.

I don't think, no. John Free has way more languages than he does. Oh, you're not.'m free as way more languages than you. You're a sorcerer detective that can speak Celestial Compes, Elvish, halfling and I was a great mouse. Yeah. Well, the whole thing with these cans, it's like markings. So you have it and so does Blaine under languages. But it's one of those things I even put in your notebook. It's like, you can read it and understand it, but it's not spoken. You can translate it, of course. You can say about what it says, but it doesn't,

it's like pictographs. Okay. Do we have one now or no? No, but you know that you could potentially relate things to the guild by leaving things in thieves camp. They're gonna be monitoring all the thieves camp. Tom, that's common sense as a thief. You would kind of know that okay I like it yeah you

relay all this to everyone little little peepers is impressed that you knew under common were able to converse he was he was very rude to me well you know maybe you didn't care for your accent. I guess it could be a bit of an accent. People from the North sometimes talk differently. He's very flustered, this guy. I'm used to people speaking to me rudely because I'm a tiny elephant. I forgot. Should we...

Oh, thank you. I love when they forget. Should we go to the Gargoyle and spoil his day? I still recommend we wait until 5 p.m. when... All right. Is there anything else we need? He is going to be gone. I don't believe so.

Although if there is any shopping you would like to do, I would like to point out we don't really know what's on the other side of the gargoyle. I don't even think the guild could tell us what's on the other side of the gargoyle. It's potentially going to have traps and such. And do we know how to get into the windows? I have a small amount of lockpicks. I have some basic thieves tools, but if there's anything you need, I do think based off knowing there are death wards, if you are not a dispeller of magic,

we should perhaps bail on the windows. I'm a dispeller of magic. What level? I don't know. I don't know. I read two of them. He'll give you an opinion. You can't know for sure, right?

Okay. Like, if you can say what level you can cast. I think it, isn't it like start at three and then go up. Yeah. And you spell the third level or lower. At higher levels when you cast this spell using a spell slot of fourth or higher, you automatically end the effects of a spell on the target if the spell level is equal to or less. So if you cast the fourth level you can knock out a lot of stuff yeah because spells only go up to fifth level right yeah but getting the fifth level is very hard I know as a draconic sorcerer you actually get extra

spells as you yes as you go but like there is nothing for fifth level the fifth level spells are so powerful. They don't, they won't even add anything because that's the point when you cast wish and shit if you have enough resources. That's a terrible spell. You can cast wish in one hand and cast shit in the other. Oh, that was a good bit.

All right. Especially if you're already thinking about spell components in your hand. Oh, I'm out of corn. I was like, wish. If anyone tries to cast that, I'll have to talk about components and always talking about in their hand. Oh, that's funny to me. So yeah, they know that I think in little peepers voice.

You have a few hours you can go shopping. I'll have the ceramic donation. And the rest I can't. I don't think we need anything else. I mean the thing is we don't know what to expect. I mean other than the basics. I'd be happy to cut to 5 p.m. if you like. Let's do that. All right so perhaps you just did a little bit of a lay of the land and you note that most of the wealthy live near the center of town or the road headed north. So just from going back and forth to the Thieves Guild you pick it up on this a little bit but also now that you can kind of walk up towards the manor in case it the wealthy folks are basically this chunk which I'll draw a little bit of a line around this chunk and then it kind of

like expands outwards but like it's clear they don't like to go in certain parts of town and they don't go like... There's the rich people, you're saying? The rich people are, make up kind of like this, this area that cling to the well lit streets and a small amount of the Northeast quarter. But it stops short of getting too close to the little wooded area where the thieves guilds entrances.

Why don't the rich people move out of this place if it's so haunted by fog? There's old money, old things, old power that they're clinging to. A lot of people have moved out. You've noticed there's a lot of darkened buildings and not enough foot traffic to make you think this is a well populated town. But you have been told there is a thriving Kuwantoa population in Soggy Town to the southwest. thriving Kuwintola population in Soggy Town to the southwest. I've got a little swamp. Soggy town. I gotta leave for Soggy Town. I think we should eat some of the rich.

I welcome that. With some tartar sauce. And ranch. But we're going to cut to 5 p.m. It sounds like you guys have basic supplies. You wait and you see at one point the graveyard gate kind of like is locked, right? Like it's this big iron thing and there's a wide path headed in and you notice from a hiding position, little peepers would kind of like ask you to pick a different alley kind of up here where it's a little more not rich, not rich.

Yeah, like right about here. I kind of get a view from a distance before you were kind of down here closer to the tavern. A little auto gnome, a little automaton clockwork gnome kind of staggers like across the graveyard to open the gate from the inside and a single horse darn carriage approaches the gate and exits. You can't see inside, the curtains are drawn, but it's your understanding that inside is none other than the cranky old drought Alathor Zalorex. So, uh, after a moment, the autonome kind of staggers its way back inside.

Um, you now sort of have free reign of the manor. What would you like to do? Tired up. I'm going to cast gift of alacrity. Um, it's a very touch ability. So I think it gives me I think an advantage with if we go into initiative for the next eight hours basically in case there's combat or something and casting that now. We should get to the gargoyle right because we have the password. Yeah. So do we climb the wall?

Do we break in? Is what, is there a place where we can kind of scout from? Little peepers would shrug and leave the choice up to you. What is least visible from the city, the town? Well, it would be because there is just a small amount of light kind of peeking through the fog. It's a little harder to get away with climbing over the graveyard gate. It's not broad daylight. It's a heavily masked and shrouded daylight. But is the gate itself locked?

Yeah, you saw the auto known click a big iron key into the gate. So you think you could probably pick it? I mean, there's a couple thieves right here who, I mean, it sounds like that gate is taunting you guys. Spicoli. There you go for it, Brian. Yeah. All right, so you bust out a lock pick and approach the heavy iron lock on the cemetery gate. A bunch of... I have thebe stools and all that and then there's some kind of roll that I... Yeah, slight of hand, slight of hand. And I will put a hand on your shoulder and say you got this Spicoli and give you guidance

so you can hit D4. Cool. Holy shit. 17 plus 10. So 27. But as a rule of D4, you don't even need to do it. Like some sort of star child. Do you have a foreign blank? Oh, he's got, yeah. Cause right now it's a 27, right? Yeah. I mean, incredible.

Cause right now it's a 27, right? Yeah. I mean, incredible. Only a 28. Oh damn it, it didn't break 30. You all see Spicoli just kind of wave a hand over the lock and you hear a clank. Nice. Better luck next time, kid.

I'm just kidding. He's good at that. Fucking, that's so fun. A 10 bonus is a fucking, that's insane. Yeah, yeah. I don't think I've ever had a bonus that high. The gate easily opens, little peepers, his trunk kind of grabs it

and like is keeping lookout for you, waving you through. All right, scoot you. It's a very small graveyard. There's a lot of statues crammed in there though. It looks like not a ton of people are buried here, but it's a very private sort of grim place that the Drowes family probably are all buried in for the last few centuries. The mausoleum is a small stone building with a stone door. It is appearingly locked. There's no keyhole. Appearingly? There's a word that I wanted there. It appears to be... Apparently locked. Yeah. Appearsingly. Apparently.

And if only you had an airport bag full of stone door keys. But- Boink cones. There's no obvious keyhole. But you don't know if it's magic yet. You haven't touched it yet. You don't know. It just, it looks like it's probably locked. The abyss. The abyss. The abyss.

Hello. I really- Now this is the abyss. This is a bit, but do you touch the door? No. Okay. It's unlocked, you said? It is locked.

You assume it's locked because there's no handle, no nothing, that there's some sort of trick to getting it to open. I will examine it for traps. I have a mage hand too, so. Well, do an investigation check, and then a mage hand can follow that up if you like. All right.

It's more of a Mage paw. Can I give him guidance? Yes, you can. Just barely in time. What'd you roll? Plus a four, I get. A d4. 23 plus four, 27.

The ninjas. You're not sure how to open it, but there doesn't appear to be magic. You don't sense anything super complicated about it. There's no evidence of a spell having gone off or anything like that. Trap or anything. No obvious traps, but also no obvious handles. Maybe we should try pushing it? Yeah, it's one of those clicky doors. I'll look at everybody and kind of put my hands on the stone and push.

Nothing happens. It's just this heavy stone door that seems stuck in place. Then I'll push. It's a strength check. All right. Straight strength. Strength. I mean, a bard's natural, uh, excellence.

Oh, good. I rolled an 18 plus one 19. Excellent. Oh, good. I rolled an 18 plus 119. You finally you kind of like do kind of get it to open for a moment. There's like a and you had to kind of like push it over some kind of not lock but catch. So you know that there's probably some sort of tool he brings over here kind of like an iron bar or something. He just puts in there to like push it over.

Got it. Inside there is a row of three coffins. Spooky. Stone coffins. Above ground stone coffins. There's a magic candle lit in one corner and in the other corner it looks like a little iron holder where there used to be a candle, but there is no longer Is there anything in the cup or are they closed or open? They're closed. The heavy stone lids are still on them

Nothing, no other doors in this room Lil Peepers says There must be something we do with one of these coffins to reveal the stairs down. Can we move the candle from the place where it is to the other place? So you reach up. Do you want to mage hand that maybe? Yeah, that would be a good idea.

Okay. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo So magick. How is that happening? Someone cast theremin. You probably could cast a magic sound right that makes a theremin sound if you really wanted to. From my face? Singing song. Don't you have a spell? Thaumaturgy. Oh yeah. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah. Sure. We need theremin. It's a cantrip, so what the hell? That's your Joe and Whirly cantrip. The candle lifts as if by a ghost out of its little iron holder and into the next, and the farthest third stone coffin grinds against the floor and pushes against the wall. You now see there is a staircase leading below into some sort of cellar.

And we should definitely tell the thieves guild about this. This is for sure fun. The thieves guild. Move the candle and then it will reveal a coffin with some stairs. You all head down? Yes. Does one of you, Phoebe,

does one of you want to be sneaky and can't check it out ahead of us? Like stealthy, you mean? Yeah. I could do that. I got some stealth. What's your view? Why aren't you?

I can do that either. You can do that too? No, I'm just singing chorus line. Who's doing it? I'll do it. All right. Stealth check, please. Yeah. Or can I give him guidance?

13 plus 10, 23. Geez. Oh, you went first. Okay, good. He was getting ready to roll. He thought he meant him. So, you're going ahead, you're slinking ahead of the Siam. Yeah. 23? 23. It's completely silent, glide down the stairs. You peer around the corner and you get a sense, you would basically make eye contact with the gargoyle. It's up to you whether you wanna do it, but I would just, you know, basic common sense. You would be like, well, if it's, something's gonna talk to me,

I'm not necessarily gonna jump around the corner. If you wanna be stealthy, I'm giving this to the 23. Like, you know, I'm gonna just kinda. You see the statues of what looks like two humans and an elf frozen in place. Okay. With like thoughtful looks on their faces. an elf frozen in place with like thoughtful looks on their faces. I'm gonna get a whole paw up for for Spicoli. Okay.

The guard. The guard. The guard. If we know the password, do we just want to go in? Yeah. Who's doing this? Who? I don't mind you. I'll go down there. Yeah, let's do it. All right. You run on the corner and there is a small stone gargoyle about the size of a cat perched on a thin pillar. And behind it just a stone wall. There's no obvious opening. But you know that based off of multiple sources, somehow, if you respond to the riddle properly, you'll be able to get through. The gargoyle speaks and fills the room without, you know, like,

any prompting. Once you're all kind of in the room, its mouth just starts to move in this really creepy way where dust falls off of it. It says, more cruel than hell all sockets no eyes you shan't dwell upon her if thou is art wise. The Abyss. The whole wall. Cool. Lifts up and you see a wine cellar. Awesome. What's your name? The whole wall Cool. Lifts up and you see a wine cellar. Awesome.

What's your name? Silence. Sorry. Our name's The Abyss. To find out how The Abyss fairs in the wine cellar on our next episode of Nerd Poke. Nice job. Anything you want to plug? If you head to dantelfer.com you can find out about how to hire me to run the Dungeons

and Dragons game. You do it good. That's what I'm up to. Nice. Can I say that there's a new show, The Thundermans Undercover is on Paramount Plus. You should go check it out. I've seen a couple of them. That's fun.

Very cool. Oh, you know what? At some point, I don't know when, they only tell me because i got paid five dollars to write it but i wrote you know a version of the land of time for oh yeah kind of sound so i think it'll be out tubi it's certainly not going to be in theaters wow but uh keep an eye out for it i don't know how much they rewrote it i know they gender swapped the lead and added scenes that might be for tom Arnold. I don't know if somebody's random in it, but it's the land of time remembered. I've got 28th, sprymescene.com. And then of course, Riptors is wrapped up, but Trades are going to be in stores soon. Trade paperback collection of the whole thing. And Gromit's issue seven still coming. Nice.

But some gigs that I'm really excited about. I've got Portland with Derek Sheen and one show in the theater there. I forget the name of the theater, but I've been there a bunch and it's gonna be a good time. Portland's always amazing. And then the following night, it's like the second week of March, I'll be in Sonoma, my hometown where I grew up, my, where, you know, I lived a few places over

California, but, uh, Sonoma is where I have a lot of memories, a lot of high school and all that shit and my first jobs and you know, mom and I lived in a small apartment there. Good times. And cool people. It's a small, you know, touristy town. They shot the fog there and fucking, yeah, Carpenter and Cujo came up there when I was in high school and shot there. It's a small, it was a cool place to grow up.

Adrian Barbo. And the theater that I saw a few of my first movies that I was obsessed with was called the Sebastiani Theater. And I'm playing the Sebastiani Theater, it was owned by the Sebastiani Winery and it's been there, you know, probably a hundred years. Something's crazy like that. But yeah, it's been there, you know, probably a hundred years. Something's crazy like that. But yeah, it's really cool. And I literally wrote

on a seat I carved George Washington slept here while I was watching some movie that I was fucking bored like damnation alley or some shit like that. I was bored out of my mind. I'm sure it's not fair, but I did that 40 years ago, 45 years ago. At any rate, look that up. If you're in Northern California, that's a show to come up for, because it'll be a longer show than normal and really personal.

And a lot of, I'm telling some Sonoma stories that I've never told anywhere else. That's cool. If somebody finds that carving on a chair will you give them like a gummy or an edible? Give them a hug. No! Sweet! I don't do that for anybody. Make like a pencil rubbing of it. Like a hug.

Are you saying a tracing? Yes. Tracing. Dig tracing. Ah know they're listening. Blaine? We attribute the success saved mankind from... Thanks for joining us on this epi-

You got walls and a roof? On the next Nerdpoker, the Nerdpoker gang meets a traveler from an antique land who says, too fast and trunkless legs of stone stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies, Whose frown and wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command, Till then it's sculptured well those passions red, which yet survive,

Stand on these lifeless things, the hand that mocked them and the heart that fed, and on the pedestal these words appear. My name is Brian Poseyne, nerd of nerds. I sat upon my balls wrong. No thing beside remains. All this and the low and level sands stretch far away by an all-new nerd poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 and Sino California 91416.

Thanks for listening!