Nerd Poker - The Fog Campaign - Episode 7

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

Now that we are past that pesky gargoyle it's time to loot the wine cellar! But lo, the most terrifying D&D monster of them all lurks around every corner-- DOORS. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker

Hey, it's Brian Postain, nerd poker. We're calling it The Thug Campaign. My friends are here, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course our kick-ass DM Dan Telfer welcome to nerd poker hey everybody it's Brian Pussain you are listening to nerd Poker. It's the fog campaign or episode seven. Shit's getting real. My friends are here. All of them.

Every single one of them. Ken, Chris, Blaine, Dan. Yeah, yeah. Hello, fellas. Hi. Hey, hi. Running the show as always. Oh.

Hello. Hi. We good? Running the show from his apartment. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, There's a dinosaur from the movie you just made about to eat you. Oh, no. I picked a monster you created. Decapitation, I could find that nice like you sit in the guy sitting on that dinosaur's face or doing a little dinosaur sutra, like a like a wow. Yeah. Fuzzy for the velocity tour. Well, we can you know who we can thank for that Velocitore is our Patreon supporters.

Thank you. Our top tier is on Patreon. You know, anyone who can support us, it makes such a huge difference. So if you are not already on Patreon, please consider heading on over to patreon.com Nerd poker and if you're going to go ahead and support us one of our top two tiers first of all You are enabling us to continue eating fat cells on an annual basis second of all you'll get a shout out and You can tell us you have a username like wiener tits McGee. Thank you wiener tits McGee thank you wiener tits McGee I know that guy thanks Warthog thanks my enos prequel preenos yeah there we go jackie lamb hail it hail it oh it's carter country thank you scott parker thank you i just farted a little, but I think something came out.

Prepare for the smell. Yeah. Thank you. Time sensitive joke that makes no sense when Dan finally reads it. Thank you, Hayden Grant. Thank you, Apriere Trix. Apierix? Apierix. Thank you, Smurfettes Conspicuous Bulge.

Thank you, Big Angry NPC. Thank you, Kurfettes Conspicuous Bulge. Thank you, Big Angry NPC. Thank you, Kugelbear. Thank you, Rollin' on Molly with Friar Jolly. Thank you, Nathan's Hot Dog Scoop. Thank you, Papsd Blapsd Von Schlitznwipe. Thank you, Saganado. Hello Saga. Thank you, Justinaga Nodow. Hello, Saga. Thank you, Justin Grateful Dad.

Thank you, Just Enough Charisma to not be constantly punched in the face. I guess I'm too dyslexic for simple wordplay. I'll go sti. And finally, thank you, Starbird Land, the anti Portland. Blaine, who are the supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by Mounds and Almond Joy from Peter Paul. Side effects may include upset stomach, dry mouth, diarrhea or loose stools, drowsiness, dizziness, changes in activity or mood, flushing or sweating, dermatitis and thoughts of suicide.

Some patients report jaw or thigh pain. If you experience jaw or thigh pain, contact a doctor as these may be a symptom of a fatal condition. If you experience a rapid heartbeat or dark urine, contact a physician. Did we mention the thoughts of suicide? We did. How about strokes?

Those too. Bounds and Almond Joy from Peter Paul. Dan. Thanks, Blaine. My favorite one. I think it's about the symptoms one. Have you heard the one where they go and other symptoms? Yeah.

And the rest. They just said like sudden death. You know, what's worse than sudden death that they dare not speak aloud. It's so weird. It's like a long death. But yeah, but somebody in the legal department's like just say and other symptoms that'll cover it. Well, also it's like do not take blah, blah. If you're allergic to blah, blah, like no shit.

Yeah. Yeah, no shit. Do not take the thing if you're allergic to it. Yeah, that's ridiculous. That one. You have to say. I mean, it's it's weird to it's weird to point out the obvious, but the side effects make every drug that they advertise not worth taking. Yeah. It's like that makes everything lowers my quality of life.

But like, is somebody going to sue them if they had an allergy to the thing? Oh, it's a good idea. I'm going to sue you, Ken. Oh, are you allergic to me? Well, we'll see. It's up to the courts now. Or just a verse. Aversity to Ken and his wedded hair.

No one's going to get that. I think you said wed it off the affair. Yeah, Ken said I wetted my hair. Just this and now it's moist. And which is pronounced wetted. And then we got there. Well, you know what? I think it's time I talked about what happened last time on Nerdpoker. Seriously.

We joined a thieves guild. We're all members now of the sellers. I thanks to little peepers, the half halfling half locks it on. Of course, you are also now in a guild with Fender, strat your main competition for robbing people in town. But it seems we'll just be trying to gather some loot on the on the which I put it there, the surface of Del Smith before delving into the caves where there are many centuries of loot.

Everybody, you have just gone through a secret door into the wine cellar of a shitty old drow. This drow has a rapier that you guys would like to steal called the Needle of Umberley and the drow Alathor Xalarix is supposedly not home. You think you saw the carriage leaving and you're hoping you can find this legendary fencing sword somewhere in his little mansion. You're in the cellar, just sort of like peering down a short series of stairs after having gotten the riddle gargoyle to slide to the side by answering correctly with the thieves guilds is help. So if you would like to head on over to roll 20,

I am going to make sure you can see a seller. Oh, there it is. I think David tells to a set. Oh, it's on the top. Awesome. It's on the top. Yes, go up to the top. The rest of it will look like a long, tall black rectangle, but on the top is the entrance to the wine cellar.

All right. You all noticed that it looks like there's a guard station here. There are some bottles of booze, but also amongst the kegs and there's a weapons rack, some arrows. And it looks like there was some sort of card game going on here that has been briefly abandoned. There's not any layers of dust on it, though, so you all

might want to roll a little bit of an insight check. Maybe I will then. Insight check. I'm going to do it because it's my idea. Maybe I will then. Insight check. I can do it because it's my idea. 18. Twenty. Holy shit. 17.

Yeah. Joffrey wrote pretty low, man. Six. Well, Little Peeper says you all beat with a three. A 30 with a three. Oh, with it. But we have a 20 here thanks to Twitten and Twitten with that much. You're going to be able to sort of whisper to everyone.

It looks like there are guards actively on duty that just so happen to not be here. And because you got a 20, I'll also say that they would probably not leave this unattended unless there was some sort of fail safe for them being here. So you were all sort of like feeling the hair go up on the back of your necks as detectives and thieves all. You're aware that if there's no guards here, but there's usually guards here, unless something is on fire, they probably have some sort of traps in their stead. All right, I will share that with everybody and then I'll say to them, look for traps, look for traps.

You all look to the left and to the right in both directions, there is a door. How about half of us go to one door and check for traps? Or do you want to stay in one little cluster? Uh, we can spread out. Yeah, I was going to say, like, how about the little elephant, little peepers and. Yes. And Siam, why don't you guys go to the east? Because you guys are both sneaky thieves and then Joffrey and I guess Joffrey, you're the only other thief.

Joffrey, I'll come with you to help you out. But Joffrey, why don't you check out that door to the West? OK, Brian, for Jaffrey, I just I Googled pictures of stoner elves. And so that's that's why that icon looks the way it does. Yeah. Which one is mine? Love is that's on good to you. Yeah. Good point. More like a stand here and look around up top.

Do the one you're that. Yeah, you're the top left there. Yeah, man, you look like Christ. It seriously looks like D&D Jesus. But I'll take it. Now, we brought him up to the door, Brian, Brian. Good thing. Yeah, the Peshmoor like to have a song about that.

Would you like to check for traps? Yes, please. He's probably not really in a nine inch like to check for traps? Yes, please. He's probably not really into nine inch nails, I would think. Oh boy. Roll an investigation check for us, Brian. We're going to get letters. What, you mean like an A plus?

I, N, R, and I. Well, would it be sleight of hand? What are you doing that would require sleight of hand? What are you doing that would require a sleight of hand? Are you trying to just pick up? Well, check it first, you said investigation. Yeah, the group said, let's check for traps. So I'm just OK. Twenty three crit.

Twenty plus three. Oh, shit. Yeah, there is some sort of spring trap. It looks like, you know, again, this is why I asked about the side of hand thing. I didn't have prepared a lot, but there's an iron ring here on the door. It looks like it should be a simple just pull and the door will go inward towards you. But you can see that the ring is sort of bound tightly in place so that when you lift it up, something is sprung.

You can just sort of see there's a little mechanism inside the ring that would go off. And everyone else, you notice this, including you, as I am, as you head with little peepers to the other door. I also have a fast hands. Yeah, I have this action. Well, bonus actions for combat specifically. Well, this is a make a dexterity check to pick a lock

or disarm a trap with thieves tools or pick a pocket. Yeah, I have thieves tools also. And I do have something similar to that. I'm trying to find it. That would be in features and trade. Yeah, just keep scrolling down. There's probably a bunch of stuff. Yeah.

Let's get enough. Joffrey's character sheet. So I am. Do you want to try checking the other door for and see if it's trapped at least? Yeah, I'm going to do a little do a little sleight of paw on it. Maybe the rest of us. All right. Definitely. I'm Dan. While this is happening, I'm going to ready an attack in the case that all of a sudden one of these doors fling open. So I'm just going to have a melee attack ready to.

What should I say? I want to commit to a melee attack. I definitely want to hold an attack. How about that? All right. Who is going to? Are you going to pick it, Brian or or? Yeah, I have fast hands. I have that. Cool.

Take the utilize action or take the magic action to use a magic item that requires that action or I can pick or lock or pick a locker, disarm a trap with thieves tools. And I have those. Great. So please roll a sleight of hand check. You also have fast times. Oh, Spicoli. Whoa. Classic Spicoli joke. 22.

I rolled a 12 plus 10 because I have 10 plus 10 sleight of hand. You slide the lock pick in where the iron ring goes into a loop and you hear a little click click. Nice. Very cool. You're going to try the other side there with the iron ring on that door or are you going to investigate first Siam? I'm going to uh hey what'd you do over there do you slide that little thing over there meow? Yeah. The little thing with a meow meow meow meow. Okay I'm gonna I'm gonna basically try to Do what he did on this door? Okay, you approached and there is a similar iron ring on the door So why don't you go ahead and roll the slightest and check it's a slight of hand 18 14 plus 4

He's you hear a similar click click as you slide a lockpick in around the iron ring and lava comes out and doors, right? Yep. Good night. But yeah, you both kind of like breathe a sigh of relief. Little Peepers looks over his shoulder at everyone else other than Siam who is standing next to and says, All right. Looks like we're at least past the first obstacle. Which way shall we go now? I don't want to break the fourth wall or also jinx this guy,

but this is one of my favorite characters I've had in a while. I'm fucking loving this. Or you can break the fourth wall. That's right. But I don't want to jinx it either. Well, well, that part I can't fix for you, but it's fucking fun. Good. Based off of the room, in terms of like you're saying, there's

it seems like they left stuff in the middle of something. Is there anything we can read about the room or where stuff is placed? Are there keys hanging closer to a certain place that would imply one door versus another? As far as us sneaking in to find the needle of Umberley, right? That's what we're trying to get to. Yeah. Everybody roll an investigation check to find clues of which way they went. 15. 15 plus 924. 20. 19.

16 plus 3. Never mind my shitty old 15. Twiddens getting those dirty 20s every time. So good job. You're covering it here and you kind of look around and somebody just rolled 3d20s at once. Good job, Ken. Excellent.

That's fun, though. Anyway, fun. Wedding. Isn't funny. Twedden, you do see that there is a thin layer of dust on the floor and that there are footprints heading towards the door that you and Joffrey are standing closest to. They're very small little boot prints.

Oh, maybe it's more those little mechanoid fellows that we saw by the gate, right? We saw those little, what do you call them, Dan? What are they called? Autonomous. Autonomous. So maybe there's some autonomous. What do you call them, Dan? Where they called auto no auto gnomes. So maybe there's some auto gnomes. Let's try going. The way they aren't first.

See if that brings us, you know, because we're away from the footprints. That makes sense. At least in this sense, we know we're not about to get into a fight. For a minute. Right. Unless people want to go get those, I don't know. I agree that we take the side without the footprints. OK, so let's go to the other door.

Could we put some will you duct tape over the thing so that the door doesn't close? You head on over to the east door, just leave a bag of gold pieces, jam it open. The creek. See, there is a curve in the hallway that heads south. And there are some crates up against the corner there. I'm not afraid of crates.

All right. So in this corner clusters. Well, yeah, we've got three thieves. Who wants to thief it up ahead of us? Uh, I'll head over there. I like boxes. OK, whoever's going to peek around that corner, let's get a perception check from that person.

And you want to try and be like sneaky, right? Totally. 8 plus 8, 16. Not that good. You do see this with a 16. The hall ends and does another turn and there's just something strange. It almost looks like stone fingers sticking out around the around the edge there. There's an empty chest

that looks that looks like it's been left open at the end of the hall there before it makes another right turn. So this place. Stone fingers, do I do I do they look like they're some sort of golem or anything? Do they look like they're on a hand check inside check? A 16 and 824. Oh, well, the 24, I'll give this to you.

This is a toughie, but it looks like you're looking at the back of a wing on a statue Back of a what sorry you cut out there a wing on a statue wing Some sort of stone wing from behind it's like peering out over the corner But there's probably more of the statue once you get closer to the corner Maybe we know now that at least that that hallway looks hallway looks safe enough for us to get out of this room in case those little dudes come back, right?

That's what we need to do. Let's all get into that hallway and close this door behind us. So that way when the autonomas return, maybe we can get the drop on them. So should we close that other door and come in here? Well, I mean the... You're saying to come in into this hallway where... Yeah, let's all get in the hallway and close the door behind us. Yeah. That way potentially we can have the drop on those guys because it seems,

you know what I mean? It seems like they're about to come back. Yeah. So we should either get the drop on them in that doorway. And be in their guard room, or we should be in here, in this hallway and get the drop on him this way. What do you like better? What if this what if this thing with the stone wing comes to life and then we're kind of trapped in this hallway with OK,

with the stoneway runaway. So back into the into the guard room. Right here in the center where we've we've now unlocked both doors, right? Should should I go down and check out this this wing, do you think? Yeah. All right. I'm going to I'm going to try to get down here as as giving away or give it a whirl. Yeah. All right.

You round the corner and you see what is Fudge made. No. OK. Oh, boo. You see a statue of an angel that seems to be staring at the empty chest. Seems like this place was looted. If you ask me that, you know, oh, she's already been here. I think so. And this chest was empty. Does the angel give me any sort of creepy vibes?

Does it seem magical or I get an insight check from you, Blaine? Is it Harry House any? the angel of centerfold? It's I got a natural 20 plus what what is it insight? perception Insight it's 28 Jesus Does your blood run cold? Yeah He's this. Well, it's pretty good.

Does your blood run cold? Yeah. This this angel is some sort of trap. It does not look like it comes to life, but it does look like being in proximity of it is somehow potentially going to trigger it. And it does look like this chest has been open for a while. It doesn't look like it was recently looted

or anything like that. Okay. Huh. All right. And do I see anything past the, like over here, do I see anything down that way? Past the angel in the box? Or you're gonna look all the way around the corner?

Yeah, I'm going to try to try to move my ears around on my head, really cute, like in my whisk, my whiskers are all forward. Oh, my gosh, that's adorable. Oh, yeah, you can see around the corner that there is another door. OK. Still no sign of where Fudge is made. So I'll head back to the boardwalk and just get some saltwater taffy, I guess. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go back up here and report to the, to the gang.

While we're up there, can we ask Lil peepers with I'm assuming his elephant like ears Does he want to listen at the other doorway where we presume? the guards have gone He will he's gonna head on up to the doorway and press one of his Dumbo ears up against it Do do do? One second. He said plus three to his persuasion, he rolls a 10. I can't quite hear anything.

Not getting a good read on this door. Oh, it's unlocked, though, right? Joffrey, you are that, right? Yeah, it is on line. All right. Should we take a little peek? Little peepers, you want to use your little peep? Earth.

Peepers. So you're listening. No, I just said little peepers. Do you want to take a peek? Oh, oh, sure, I'll open the door. And again, I'm holding an attack. The three and he heads through the door

I sort of tiptoeing and then he tiptoes back. All right. There's some sort of broken barrel and another hallway very similar to the one we just came from Anything in the barrel No, it looks like one that fell apart Over a long period of time to sort of a broken barrel. I don't like these kegs in the room we're in right now, except old and broken. And is this place all super dusty and seem untouched?

The floor is, but like I was trying to convey, the seats and the table where the guard station is look like they were recently used and there's not a thick layer of dust on them. Okay, so they weren't recently used. The floor in general is like heavy with dust, like nobody's been cleaning down here. Slabs. Well, why don't we head?

Further down this hallway again looking for traps with the knowledge of we're about to come across these guards And I mean unless I'm wrong we want to attack the guards right so should we kind of move forward in like strike? formation ready to get our knuckles dirty Yeah Yeah, sure dirty. Yeah. Yeah, sure. You guys loved the idea. Let's just go running down Han Solo style. Ah!

Oh, I like that. All right, which one are you gonna go down and are you splitting up East West? No, I say we progress where Peepers came out. Yeah, to the West, where the broken barrel was. Because we know where we presume the guards are ahead of us somewhere down there. He goes ahead and glides the door open for you. And you can all see there is this broken barrel around the corner.

And then it heads south, like the other hallway. Ooh. Joffrey? Are you going to peer around? Yeah. You want to take a peek? Sure. All right, Joffrey, you're peering around to the south. Can I get a perception check from Joffrey Spicoli?

I know that guy crying out of that, dude. Perception, you say? Yeah, boss. Oh, I rolled low, but I still got a 12. Nice. You see what looks pretty similar to the other hallway and what looks like it may very well be another stone statue angel wing kind of appearing over the corner. Okay. Oh my goodness. All right, guys, we're going to have to figure this trap out. Are there footprints from the guards?

Can we detect any footprints? I mean, you think you can see some basic footprints just going back? How close have we gotten to the trap or the thing of this thing that we think is another trap? The statue, yeah, the statue, the angel statues, the new one. You're just seeing the edge of it around the corner. You haven't gotten close to it yet. Siam spade got about 10 feet away from it.

I'm going to try to get a little closer to it using stealth. Don't be shy. Okay. So you're gonna tip toe? Yeah. Can I get a stealth check? Sure. Is, does, does anybody have a cloak or a cape or a blanket or something. Maybe we could throw it over the the head of the statue, like one of those robot dogs. Yeah, I got a 20. Ooh, I'm going to just at least get closer. You all see Joffrey sort of silently glide down the hallway about 10 feet away from the statue. Oh, wow.

What do I see then? Oh, no, that's just stealth. I'd have to do perception again. OK, right, right. Why don't you go ahead and do that? Of course. I jumped the gun on that. 15.

Yeah, the statue looks pretty much identical to the one that Siam described to you this time, instead of an open chest, there's a couple of barrels propped up against the wall. If the other one was trapped, this one must be as well, you would think. OK. There's another doorway around the corner, too. I can. Hey, are there other bardic inspiration if they want to try and like detect the trap?

Yeah, yeah, that's what I was trying to think is like, is there anything familiar about it or anything? Ryan, Brian, I think had a question. Well, I was going to see, is there something that can maybe trigger the trap, but still we'd be safe. Like if I rolled a barrel or something like that, is that is that a doable or. There's plenty of stuff back in the guard room, we could throw something out in front of it, maybe.

Were there barrels back there, Dan? There were. Is my perception high enough to, you know, for me to think that something like that might work? I mean, you do think that if this trap involves proximity in some way to the angel statue, rolling a barrel past it is as good of an idea as any. Oh, OK. I have mage hand to maybe I could.

Oh, yeah. Barrels down there there to kind of roll around or move. Oh, there he goes. Kind of like just give it some pats. Keep it rolling. Yeah. I'll try. I'll try whatever, you know, the general consensus is. Whatever you guys think. Yeah, if we if we can manipulate one of those barrels that's already there with either through pushing or if that gets us too close, maybe the mage hand can do it. Well, yeah, I think I'm I'm off. I think the major might or what were you going to say? The major is, I don't think quite strong enough to lift a barrel up, but you obviously could do that yourselves and you could, you know, use the roll and keep it rolling.

Yeah. OK. So Blaine kind of gets the barrel. Siam Spade gets this barrel kind of on its side and starts using the mage hand to kind of get good. Let's do a. Hmm. Investigation check from Blaine. Come on, Blaine. Secation.

Well, guidance. 12 plus 921. Or it doesn't need it. Pretty good. It's pretty good. Now you sort of investigation very carefully and deliberately roll this barrel right in front of the angel statue.

And you see the iron rings that hold the barrel together, disintegrate instantaneously and all the slats on the barrel go. Oh, wow. And it falls apart. So it dissolves metal or something. There's some kind of anti-metal thing. Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. Do I detect magic.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you all are 100% positive. Magic is used for a trap on the statue. Well, then I would like to take magic, but I'd like to spell magic. There you go. OK, so I see. Oh, I thought you said spell magic. There you go. Okay. M-A-G-I-C. Oh, I thought you said spell magic. Oh boy.

Blaine, what level are you gonna cast that spell out there? Third. You can upcast it, Ken, if you want. I don't know if you have access to higher level spell level slots. I do, but do I want to? This is going to be an ability check, Ken. You're casting it at third level.

Okay. And the ability, just roll a 20, you're excited? It's your spell casting ability modifier on a 20. Oh, that shit again. Where is it? Uh, yes, got it. So, I have a plus four and a plus seven to spell attack. All right.

There should be a separate one for your spell casting ability modifier. I think that's the plus four. The plus four, yeah. Yeah. All right, so that is- All right, so that is- A little bit 20 plus four. It's a 14.

Nice. That is exactly what you needed. You feel it kind of like release. You believe you have removed the spell from the statue. Oh, that felt so good. I feel really kind of gross release vibe off of Shalom. Let's let's walk on by.

Yeah, well, let's do I try another barrel first or all of you all careful and stealthy. I mean, I think it's almost a little too late, Ken, because you said let's go. And so you would all see Shalab just jauntily march up to the statue and nothing happens. So you feel like you did it. All right, I'm checking the door. Oh no, my jeans rivets. Shalab investigation check please.

You got it. That is a plus three. There's a 12. It's another door with an iron ring on it. It looks about the same as the last one, but you can't quite find any sort of trap that is obvious well no obvious traps maybe someone else should check yeah I'll do it yeah yeah I'll give you guidance not a bad idea siam spade please roll an investigation check. 16 plus 925.

Wow. And what another for a D for if you want. Yeah, why not? Another one. Yes, there is some sort of physical trap on the ring designed to go off when you lift the ring. I will again give you guidance if you want to try and take that fucker apart.

I'm going to do a fast hand sleight of hand thing. It's 16 plus a D for O plus a D for. Mm hmm. Three, so 19. You hear a loud clack. It appears you've disarmed the lock. Nice. Excellent.

We open it up and everybody jumps out from behind a cow. Surprise. Happy birthday. And I'll look before you open the door. It's like, remember, there could be a fight. So everybody get your stabbing face on. All right. All right, yeah, let's do it. You pop it open?

Do it. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Open do it. Yes. Yeah. OK. You the door open and see what looks like a tiny little lizard person. Look, look over their shoulder.

They've got a long spear and they go, ah, craps, and they run out and scurry away. You're now looking into a large room. Was there like a cobalt? Cobalt, yeah. You can see the back. There's a wine rack here. Can I get an insight check from everybody

about what you just saw? Totally. Totally can do that. 8 and 8, 16. Nice. Also 16. Totally can do that Eight needs 16 nice also 16 Yeah, that was a cobalt it looked like it was an 11 Yeah, you don't know what the hell's going on, but where am I what's happening?

Anyone anyone can who had got a 15 can put together that it was a cobalt with the sphere Possibly looting the room. Uh- a kobold with a spear, possibly looting the room. Uh huh. See, I told you there was looting going on. All right. Well. Are there, can I, can I rotate my, my cat ears around on my head and hear if there's

any automaton walking around in here? I think it was that guy. Sure. Everybody, everybody everybody roll perception check. It's probably the Cobalt. 17 plus 825, 1815 plus three. Oh, so it was a team 20. Oh. You guys do not hear any of the mechanical

whirring that you heard when you encountered those autognomes at the front door of the gate of this estate. So you don't hear any signs of a nearby autognome. You do see quite a few little scuffle marks on the ground here

that make it hard to track any one set of footprints. You think you saw the kobold with that high of a perception run off to the southwest and Shalob if you're marching in as far as you've just put your token, I'm also going to kind of reveal more of the room. Yeah, I want to kill that little fucker. Oh! There's wine racks and then a door kind of going off to the right and a door kind of going off to the left.

You're not sure which of the three ways the Cobalt ran. Well, it's we thought Southwest, right? Then you say stuff. Yeah, there's just no exact evidence of it. No tracks like. What's the before? What's the light source in here? Are there torches or what?

Yeah, there is. There was a Scott fiery sconces on the wall. Something just zipped across the screen. I guess we'll have to assume it was a Dracula. What the heck? Oh, you guys, Dracula is cool. We should let him know we're here. Maybe he'll help us.

Blay Dracula. Maybe it's a Chocula. I'd like a Chocula. Oh, so fun. Let's sneak down towards the Southwest and see what's what. Yeah. Okay. You head on down there and as you kind of like approach,

you see, it looks like a little camp has been set up in the room and you can tell there's like a spear peeking out around the side of both ends of the room. So it looks like there are some bed rolls and then probably at least two cobalt that have been sort of holing up in a little room at the end of this hallway. I'll make eye contact with the group and go, OK, guys, it's cool.

You didn't expect us. We didn't expect you. We can be cool and nobody has to get hurt. How many are there? You are Kobolds. We are thieves. It's all cool. Can you come out and you'll see that our hands are up and I'll kind of gesture to the guys.

It's okay. Twid and Titby, please roll a persuasion check. Why certainly. Nice. Oh certainly. Nice. Oh, shit. 25. One of the kobolds sort of peeks around the corner and then like nods at the other one.

Two tiny little lizard creatures with long spears start trotting down the hallway. The first one in the lead seems to be slightly more confident. The one behind him is hunched over, looks a bit terrified. They sure are cute. The lead one introduces themselves as, ah! My name is Pondsmouse. We were trying to rob this place and we got stuck.

How did you get in? We tricked the guards to open the doors. We told them we were actually here on the supply drop. And then we took apart the guards and there were more traps. So how did you get past the gargoyle though? Oh, we knew the password was the abyss. How'd you know that? Oh, well, we're members of the thieves guild. Oh, you are.

Are you here with Fen? Who? Fen? Who? Fen? Who? The fox? Fen the fox, she's also from the Thieves Guild. Yeah, there are other, it sounds like this is a Thieves Guild hootenanny tonight.

We don't know everybody. We don't know everybody. That's in the Thieves Guild. We don't know the fox, Fen. All right. Uh Do you guys have any idea where the sword of umberley is in this place? Do you have a map or anything you've been exploring? It sounds like Whoa, the sword of fucking what?

Umberley is a very scary god Uh, no, we don't know nothing about that one Have you found like a vault or like a special room or anything like that? Oh, yeah, there's a real special room. You go look to the south. That's where all of the mentions like extra food emergency supplies are. And then there is a big fucking trap door. There were three of us and one of us is dead.

They fell in the trapdoor. We heard a lot of really gruesome noises. But on the other side of that trapdoor, there's some kind of room with a real pretty looking chest. Big enough that a sword would fit inside of it maybe? Oh yeah. Oh, okay. And that's all to the south?

Bunch of pretty bricks maybe made made a gold to the south. That's two rooms. OK. Hey, what are you guys looking for here? What were you what were you here to rob? Oh, whatever we could find, we got the password. And we were just like, let's fucking go for it. We also learned how to get the guards to turn off. So they're both kind of just like deactivated at the next room over,

just sort of standing around like a couple of dumbasses. We did that part good. Oh, we got fucked. How did you learn how to deactivate those mechanical boys? Oh, we practiced on the ones at the front gate a bunch. We would lure one away and then we would sneak up on the other one. It took a few weeks, but we figured out when you lured one away and you went on stuck above the other one.

There's a series of little wheels in the back of its head. You can gum up and then it stops thinking. Very clever. You guys are pretty smart for Cobalt. Yeah, how dare you? No, I meant that as a compliment. Super racist. What's in the.

What's on the other side? Oh, like just heading. You've already been down there. That's where you all came. Oh, there is a bunch of food. We've been living off that food. It's like there's another guard outpost there that's currently unoccupied. And there's the mansion's food stores for like an emergency.

And we've been eating all the emergency food for the last week. Oh, you've been here for a week. Yeah, man. Shits broke bad, real bad down here. Wait, you've been here for a week? Yeah, man. Shits broke bad, real bad down here. Wait, you've been here for a week? Yeah, man. These guards were like, they're they're they're autonomes and they don't eat, so they're just down here.

They don't have to piss or shit or nothing. Nobody checks on them. Nobody. Oh, my God. The draw upstairs has no idea the shit going on down here. He's just got all his stuff protected and doesn't think about it. Let's be nice. All right. Well, I'll look at the group, guys. Anything else you want to ask him?

Otherwise, we should go to the south, right? Yeah, we're going to scurry the fuck out of here. We're bailing. Where are you going to go go you can't get out. Oh How did you get here didn't you deactivate a trap we're gonna run that way Yeah, I mean through the gargoyle that's how we got in right I mean the part of the thieves guild. not going to troll, say quietly to the group. Now, normally, of course, I would want to murder these things. But seeing as they are part of the Thieves Guild that we just joined,

it might be to our interest to, you know, spread the love. Why don't you all roll an insight check to size that up? Yeah, roll an insight check on this whole situation, everybody. To see if they're really in the thieves go. Well, it's weird that was 24. It's weird that there are so many thieves here when the thieves told us, oh, I don't know.

I don't know. Nothing. I botched. Oh, wow. I hit my head. 17. I think too hard sometimes. Spicoli hits his shoe on your forehead. You're so wasted. What'd you get, Brian? Nine. OK, so we're going to go with a high roll from Twidden.

Yeah, I mean, you think that there are probably people breaking in down here fairly often. And if their friend fell in a trap door and you heard a bunch of screaming, there's probably a major trap to the south that sort of tidies up a lot of thieves bodies. And you know, these autonyms are, yeah, and these autonyms just kind of seem like they got dumped down here. You can even kind of see them off to the east in the next hallway. They're just sort of standing there emotionless.

But I will. You got a 24 to wooden salt or when there it does occur to you that, yeah, you wouldn't maybe want to attack and loot these guys since they're in the thieves guild. But there is a trap. Yeah, I was considering sending him ahead. You could canary in a coal mine. I mean, you certainly could.

Guys, can you at least show us what where your friend got hurt? Can you at least guide us that far as fellow members of the guild? I feel like that would be a great way to show some fellowship. Hey, another persuasion check. Let's let's shove your help in front of us. Persuasion.

Twenty six. Oh, yeah, no problem. That sounds like a good idea. Well, if you find our buddy's body. You know, what's their name? Uh, oh, sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot. We'll find your buddy's. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, his biscuit finger.

Biscuit finger. All right. What? What? He loves biscuits. He's the man. Man with the Bisquick touch. He's too much. But I'm about. But let's put those guys up ahead and be on our merry way.

Yeah, the two cobalt's whose names are Ponce Mouth and Dorknut start heading south into the next room, and we'll have to see how that goes on the next episode. No, it's. Oh, Dan, do you have anything you want to promote? Would you want to? Yeah. Your your D&D skills are available. Yes

Yes, if you want to head to Dan Telfer comm you can hire me as your dungeon master And if you'd like to watch the aforementioned dinosaur movie I wrote the land that time forgot is on Apple TV Xbox Amazon and Yeah, it's pretty pretty fucking silly in the tradition. All the characters take the situation very seriously and all the comedy comes from irony that I hid in the script. So I hope you enjoy it. BrianPasin.com as always for tour dates and information about my comical books. That's it.

Blaine. We attribute the success. Save mankind from the hell. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. That's it. Blame. We attribute the success of save mankind from the hell. Thanks for joining us on this epi- You got walls and a roof? The gang orders an appetizer.

Cues of marinated sushi-grain fish tossed over rice and served. With a- Can the server bring scallions, ginger, and salmon roe in time? All this and Bryant sits on his Boba Rong on an all new Nerd Poké! Follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also Send us anything at P. O box one six zero six nine and Sino, California nine one four one six Thanks for listening Hey, oh Jesus False start