Nerd Poker - The Fog Campaign - Episode 71

Episode Date: May 21, 2026

The lich queen is starting to get her bony pelvis handed to her, and at long last, "the two fingers" are finally in use at good old Episode 71. For 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com

Hey, it's Brian Possein. Nerd Poker. We're calling it... The Fog Campaign. My friends are here. Chris, Blaine, Ken, engineer Sam, and of course,

our kick-ass DM, Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey, everybody. It's Brian Pocene. You're listening to NerdPoker. It's episode 71 of the Fog Campaign. Uh, We're all Zooming it today.

My friends are here. Ken. Hi, Brian. Good morning. And how do you do? Didn't expect that. Chris is here. Hey there, Brian.

Good to see you. Oh, don't wait. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Dan, you want to continue this riff for killer? Brian, Brian, Brian. Wow. Yes, and.

You forget that Dan comes from the improv state of Illinois. Tis true. It's where they made it. I was briefly on a long-form improv team with Jason Sudecats. Of course you were. And then he was like, my uncle's George went. I'm going to be on a better improv game. We're going to be.

What am I talking about? Running the show from the cool part of town. Sam, everybody. Hello, sweet children. Wow. That was musical. That was musical, yeah. Sounds like Kevin Meaney.

The fans have been asking for it. So I show shank some sheeple. People want you outside. Which people? The people inside. Huh? Is your prompter not working? Oh, why?

Here, let me go to, I'm going to go talk to the prompt guy. Because I deliberately mispronounced it or because I have some lag. I don't know which is the truth. Are we doing bits? My internet was, was my internet bad? No, no, we're doing bits that don't work. Okay, well, you're right. That failed miserably.

Hey, everybody. I would like to thank some folks at our top tiers of support on Patreon. They got usernames like Mega Best. Thank you, Megabeth. Thank you, A-Tab for Cutie. Thank you, David Flea Roth. Thank you, Jim Hollingsworth. Thank you, two in the thoughts, one in the prayers.

Thanks, first goddamn week of winter. I like that you want to be called that. Hey, Brian, remember the episode where your character was vegan and they made dinner for everyone and it was bore and you said you're making vegan bore? someone's username that we would like to thank Morrissey the vegan boar a Blaine joke from that season What? Nice. Thank you Matt Weans. Thank you, Kilt Bill. Thank you the electric bear.

Thank you, sentient vampire penis Stephen Miller. Don't thank him. But thank you for calling out his species. Thank you prop meat. Thank you, dang Wayne Halfstep. And finally, thank you, Toucan, son of Sam. Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by? Where it's brought to us by the Charmin Patch Covers that hole to keep you from cracking up Stay late all day with the Charmin Patch

Dan Thanks Blaine I prefer the preparation H-Path I'm just getting to be that age This time talking about what happened last time on Nerdtoker You all are fighting in Leviathan deep Within the depths Below Delsmith

A Coastal Town that has been besieged by fog, the reason this is called the fog campaign. After looting and robbing some people, blowing up a mansion basement, you know, making friends, you went down into the undercity for a final heist, and although you got a bunch of loot

before you could reach the Litch Queen, the person who had been terrorizing the town, who had been summoning worms, and attempting to summon a worm god, got away and everything started flooding. You were trying to get up, out of the under city, you're in a vast chamber that is filling with water. You can't quite see the ceiling yet.

I am tracking how high the water is rising per turn. Eventually, you might be able to see it. However, because it is so vast, it is going to be a matter of me going against your passive perception or you checking manually on your turn to find the ceiling. That is going to, you know, happen at some point. but right now you are fighting the Leviathan. The Leviathan, as I believe Chris realized,

is a sort of dead Leviathan that was under the city, and Caius, the being that the Litch Queen was trying to summon, is sort of possessing it. So this is like a dead god with a cosmic horror inside of it. The Lich Queen has been incapacitated and is in the water. At some point, she's probably going to float around or do something a little more dignified. But we finished up the turn order with tentacles,

smacking everyone around, Ken is going to be doing a death saving throw this turn unless someone heals and he's down. Let's go ahead and hit that top of the turn order with a little fella called Joffrey Spicola. He's not little. He's like tall and lanky. I was muted because I was eating a granola bar while you put a recap. Do you want to take that again right in the microphone? I was muted because I was eating a granola bar. I'm still digesting it. I'm going to grab some pizza I got in the fridge

remember Ken and pizza they called that ASMR yeah and also we gave Ken a hard time about that pizza we all did it a little bit we all ate a little pizza it was a bad omnidirectional microphone I ate a lot of pizza Chris is dismissed from it Chris had not joined us full time yet but

yeah he was at home I guess it's not on my fault I was I was being freaked out by the mouth sounds you did like it yeah we we locked it down that it's, it's, you were the loudest for whatever reason because other people would talk and then we would hear this wet smacking noise while the other three of us were talking. I like making yummy noises what I eat. What does the yummy noise sound like, Ken? Yeah, you've made some really weird noises on the podcast lately. I've been meaning to congratulate you on that. Brian, just do you wait. Brian, what would you like to do for your turn?

We're playing D&D. I forgot. Whatever. Listen, I've got something good for him. Let's see, let's mix it up. I'm sorry, I was trying to get the mucus off my mind. Why don't you say that out loud? Yeah, let me just wipe that off.

Who I've done a firebolt in a little while. I'm going to firebolt this motherfucker. Which motherfucker? A tentacle, a Leviathan, or a witch? Great. Yeah, whichever is closest. She's probably the farthest, but you can hit her. Oh, no.

Where's the tentacle? You've got one right next to you that has recently smacked you for a shitload of hit points. Oh, then fuck that thing. Yeah. You should have told me that first. Oh, I can't chill touch that? Listen, I can't do a recap of every single thing that's happened? You can, yeah, you can do it.

I can reuse chill touch. I'm pretty sure. Well, I mean, you have to kind of keep track of your own spells and such. But let me see. How does that work? Yeah, it's a can trip. Yeah. yeah you're not you're not behold it to that because you're uh rogue with it as a canton

there you go uh well never mind 13 uh well yep that is a miss i don't get too um i don't believe so you have one attack no no i do it says yep it definitely says that at the top of here all right so i will say something i have noticed that maybe we should do a little more often is you have a bonus action you could be doing every turn called steady aim. You give yourself advantage on your next attack role on the current turn, provided you haven't moved during this turn. After you use it, your speed is zero until the end of the current turn.

How does that affect what we just did? I mean, I don't think it can affect what you just did, but you could give yourself advantage. On your next attack roll, on the current turn, if you lead with it next time. Okay, cool. Thank you. You got it. Coming up, and it would limit your ability to move after that.

Coming up next is the Leviathan, who is going, who has grappled gulk, and is now going to attempt to swallow gulk. Oh, no. Guy, a guy admit he's probably delicious. All right. going to have to... That can't be good. It is not good because he has to make a DC-25-6-30 savings throw. Why did I wear all this panko? A good voice. You've been practicing.

I haven't. I put honey mustard in my pockets. They put pockets in my honey mustard. Two great days a day. And that is too high of a say. He does not. have a plus five bonus to his deck save. So he's going to automatically just get swallowed.

He's going to take 3D8 plus 10 piercing damage, 26 points. Ooh, 3D, cool. Hey. Hmm. That's a thing I've wondered my whole life is you see fish getting swallowed whole when they're still alive by other sea creatures. And I've always wondered how long does it take for the fish to realize something is wrong.

Oh, that it's inside something else? They never realize it because fish are idiots. Michael Fish is really smart. He brings me the paper and then reads me drabble. Speaking of which, Blaine, you're up. Drabble. Drabble. He was really bummed when they canceled High and Lois.

I'm going to do two things. I'm going to start swimming towards Ken because I have a potion of healing. And I have my aquatic move and everything so I can move really fast. Oh, fish cat. Yeah, what's your total movement? I can do 60. Great. So he is 55 away.

You can get right up next time. Okay, I can get right. But I'm also going to do the manual check of how high the ceiling is and where the ceiling hole is. That'll be a perception check. Perception check. How many seasons of fish cat did you do for Nickelodeon? We did three, and the third one started at the writer's strike. So they put a pin in and then Iger canceled it.

No. That's missed. 15 plus 10, 25%. Ooh. You do think that. the darkness is coalescing into a textured pattern. It would mean that the ceiling is still a couple hundred feet away, but it is significantly closer than it was.

At the rate that it has been rising, what's your passive insight? A passive insight is 20. Yeah, like all of you, you've got some pretty nice passives. Congratulations, Hachimachi. And you think that maybe it'll be, With like you'll touch it in what would be about eight turns. Okay. It's feeling fast.

Okay. All right. Well, I'm gonna then, so I did that and then I swam over to Ken. Is it too late for this turn for me to give my healing potion? No, I'll let you do the check as like your bonus action and then your, you're, you're, Doing the pour down as third as a action. Okay. 2D4 plus 2.

4. 3 plus 2. So 7. 9 points. For 10. I flipped your token. Oh, God. Thank you.

Nice job, Lynn. Here to help. Nice. All right. Back to the living. I'm sorry about the dragon, though. Yeah. I would be too.

Oh, yeah, he's gone. Anything else for a turnblane? Oh, no, that's it. We pause for a second, and I got to get the door. Yes, yeah, pauses, pause. And we're back. We're back, yeah. All right.

I thought we were back. But I guess not. We were, and then we launched into private information. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Okay. Oh, by the way, I just got my colonoscopy results. Oh, well, I'll just tell you later. They're not good.

They're great. It says here you have an anal fisher stevens. All right. They're great. Is that the end of your turn blame? Yes, I'm done. Thank you. Hazzam.

We are now going to head on over to Litchtown, I believe. The Litch is going to, let's see, how much... Hitchan is the cuckoo-cook-a-cook-distance. How's that for us, She's going to cast magic missile at second level on Blaine, on Siam Spade. What? What the? I don't like this lady. Badd miffle.

That will always be funny, and what a precursor, the early days of Larpin caught on video. Now we all say magic missile. Talk to me to one of you. I just, I was telling Franklin to lay down. I said, lay down, buddy. All right. It's a ton of damage, but it's guaranteed damage, which is the fuck of these things.

So that's going to be three plus six points of force damage plane. How much was it, sorry? Six. Six. Nature's five. And then it's going to do it for its turn. I love weird shit like that. Sorry.

Sometimes my bits don't make sense. I got it from John Hodgman. It's a Dan sequitur. Oh, yeah. Who's that? It's not Godzilla. It's Godzilla. Oh, it's Patton.

Oh. Oh, he's anatomically correct. Hey. Guys. I saw Patton over the weekend at a triple feature at the new Beverly. Now that makes sense. It was, uh, what's his name, the director? Yeah.

Um, God. Beaufort? What the fuck is his name? William. Yeah, I'm trying to remember to... Be something. I'm so bad with pulling trivia when I need it. So the three movies were the eight...

The ape man, the voodoo man, and Belle Legosi meets the Brooklyn Gorilla. They're directed by William Bodine, and all of them had Bella Legosi. And yeah, Bella Legosi meets a Brooklyn guerrilla is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's got someone pretending to be Jerry Lewis in the worst way. Sammy Petrillo. It's fake Dean and Jerry. Dana was there, too. It was...

Sammy Petrillo. It was one of... It was an experience seeing at the theater. It had literally everything you don't want to see in a movie. Blatant racism, adamant lack of consent for women, blackface. All easers. Also, it's terrible. Also, not...

He's a guy I didn't write it. Also, a 22-year-old kid named Sammy screaming constantly as he desperately tries to look like Jerry Lewis. And the worst part is it's a long time ago. It's 1952. And there's meta-humor in it. And, like, you're just like, oh, no. Wow. No.

No. I believe Jerry Lewis eventually sued him. He used to perform. He shut down Sammy's career at one point. Sammy was still doing stand-up into the 90s, I think. but like he ruined him in Hollywood. I think like Sammy got introduced to him as like a welcome to Hollywood thing. Like, hey, here's a kid you might like Jerry.

Meet Sammy. And I think the legend is after like 10 minutes, Jerry interrupted it and was like, you're a piece of shit. I never want to see you again. And then he still made that movie later. So I. And yet Eddie Deeson unscathed. And there's a guy.

Duke Mitchell, a fake Dean Martin was in it too. It's just the worst movie. So I believe her... I have it on DVD. Do you? I do. Have you, how... You've watched it then?

Yes. Oh my God. I didn't purchase it, someone gave it to me. Chris, also, you are up. I'm done delaying this. I'm going to give Bardick inspiration to Shalab. So, yes.

So you can add a D8 for the next 10 minutes. You can add it to one ability check, attack, roll, or saving throw. It can be added after seeing the role, but before knowing the outcome. And because I have something, oh, font of inspiration. No, that's not it. Unfailing inspiration, when a creature adds bardic inspiration to its check and the role fails, you can keep the die. So basically you have Bartik Inspiration until it actually helps you.

Does that make sense? Cool, yeah. Great. Okay, so that's, I think that's just a thing. What is it? Okay, there must be a bonus action. Okay, so bonus action, I'll do that. I'm going to target, um, what's going on that?

Sorry, my D&D Beyond just like tried to unlock. I'm going to do. What a great website. Firebolt the litch. All right. Roll the firebolt. That's a spell attack. Doing 18 plus 927. That is such a hit.

2D10 fire for a total of 13 fire damage to that lady. Flams into her. Great. Nice lady with the fire and the flaming. What a great Sammy Petrello impression. I've been working on it. That's actually my Colombo. You got any movement or bonusing you'd like to do, Chris?

I already bonused. I think, I mean, I'm movement-wise. I don't think I'm good on this little bit of birth or whatever this is. So I'm going to stay here. It's a little bit of, I believe we said, a broken cabinet is floating in the water. Ken, you're up. I'm going to cast Promatic orb

What? Upon the litch Orb upon her So that's a D20 to attack Oh, Kenneth, no God

I'm going to use a luck point to rule that again I bet you will That's it botch folks Okay, that's a six plus eight That's the last one is But better than much you've got part of inspiration oh that's true oh yeah plus eight d8 d8 roll that d8 that's very much

possible you can turn that into a hit nope that'll be a one good night everybody oh wait yeah yeah that's it says uh for some reason the icon for it looks like a d20 but yeah that's a that's a d20 but yeah that's a d8 you did it right all right anything else period break he was just dead i'm gonna kill myself again no No, I'm just going to stay here and fucking wait for Doom. All right, Glug is going to charge the Leviathan, and he is going to attempt to smash it around his whip. I push the wrong key.

Holy shit. Yeah, yeah. Double crits. Double crits, yeah, pardon the quadruple roll, but those are double crits. I'm better than my rolls. So that's going to be 50 points of damage, is he just rips into this thing.

Jesus, nice. And he's low on health, just as a reminder, but he just knocked out a tentacle, and now he is going hog wild. And we're going to see about being swallowed for gulp. A swallowed creature has a restrained condition. Total cover against attacks and other effects. It is going to take.

take 7d6 acid damage at the start of each of its turns. So before it can do anything, uh, before he can do anything, he takes 28 points of acid damage. He attacked by Tina Turner. He had 26 hip points left. See, he dissolves inside the Kraken. Aw. Oh, oops.

Bootsie doodle. Up next as little peepers, who's gonna chop chop the tentacle in front of him. It's going to be two hits, a 20 with the short sword, 22 with the dagger, for a total of 17 points of piercing damage. The tentacle is still up, and it's now time for tentacles to swing. That tentacle is going to immediately swing back against Lil Peepers, and it's a pretty nasty to hit of 35.

We're also going to have one against Brian and Blaine. Oh, shit. Not nice. Nice. Brian 35 to hit. And then it's third tentacle rolls a botch. Good. So we're going to get some damage against Little Peepers and Joffrey.

And as it attempts to hit Blaine, it's going to roll a D-100. How many points against me, though? I haven't said yet. I haven't rolled yet. Oh, okay. 23 points of bludgeoning damage or 25, I'm sorry, 23 for little peepers. Remember those guys can uncanny dodge

so they can have that. Thank you for the reminder for Lilpeeper. That one point shakes me below. So you're down? Yeah, I am. But you uncanny dodged it, right? Oh, yeah, okay, I can use it again? Once per turn, you? Okay, yeah, I'll use it again. He's going to, yeah, it's going to save little peepers.

Yeah, so Brian, instead of 25, you're going to take 12. Okay, cool. Close one. Jesus. And then he's going to roll a D-100. We're going to get the fuck out of here. We've got to kill these things and not die before we, uh, uh, suffocate. Uh, 87.

87 on that, uh, on that bot's roll. Good, die. So that's 8d8 damage. Oh shit. All right. So that tentacle swinging against points is going to take 50 points of damage. It's going to slam into its own face

and its teeth are going to rip a long cut in it. The tentacle is not toast, but it is pretty fucked up. Next in the Ternodor is Jofres Bicoli. Let's you, Brian. Yeah. How close am I to the tentacle? Right now.

Well, just, uh, one of them's right next to you. It's smack in your own right next to you. Okay. Uh, that's the thing that just hit me again, right? Yeah. Correct. Okay.

Um, I'm gonna fireball them. Okay. 16? That is a miss. Mm, part of inspiration. No, but, uh, I'll give it two on my next turn. Yeah.

Damn it. Then fuck you. Oh, well, all right. No, to him. I flip them off. Yeah. I was in character. I appreciate the acting.

That was role playing. Solid role. Oh, Brian, give us the flourish. That helps us know that it's role playing. Fuck you. Oh, I'll suck over my chick for a chick for a little bit. Perfect. Even better.

Even better. The Leviathan is going to howl and cast down a lightning bolt on Glug. Glug is now going to attempt a DC-23 dexterity savings row, which I don't believe he can do. No. It's very unfriendly. Yeah, it's been kind of a dick this whole time. I would not invite it to your next party.

It would not pet your dog. It would pick up a guitar and make you listen to its songs. It's going to be 6010 lightning damage. 29 points. Glug is unconscious. Up next in the tunnel there, we have Blaine. I'm going to firebolt the tentacle that just took all that damage

as I'm swimming. One next year, yeah. As I'm swimming out of range, I guess, to the heading west. Okay. Do you have the ability to disengage naturally? Or you're about to take out an attack of opportunity? You know what? I can...

I can do a bonus action. It's a cunning action of Disengage. Great. So, but yeah, I'm going to firebolt it first. Cool. 16 plus 622. That's a hit. And 2B10.

14. you. How'd you like to see this tentacle die? I'd like to see it kind of like do the like curl up like a matchstick and make a question mark and then sort of fall into the water. Briefly, the Leviathan stares at the tentacle. It's a question mark and has a moment of on we. Imagining the void it may be about to be banished into or to banish you. Who knows when one stares into the abyss and you are actually from the abyss? Anything else for your turnblade? Yeah, I'm swimming kind of west getting some range between me in. All right.

How far you want to go? I can move your token. I think I can go 30 feet, right? Okay. Not 60 because you swim in? I could do, well, I did it a couple. Well, I did it a couple of rounds ago, so yeah, I can do it. So I'll do 60.

Is there any reason you can't do it every turn? I think it's a, it's a, I can only, I have to wait until I don't move on one of my terms. Got it, okay. There you go. You did not move on your last turn. Okay. Yes.

I'm all good. I like that for you. Okay, so the Litch Queen is going to move forward. Dan, how is she floating again? I was going to have like what is her her right now she is basically swimming she's been knocked out of the air a couple of times

right so she's basically so she's swimming like almost everybody okay yeah it's it's been like kind of an embarrassing thing for her because she was coming in riding on top of the leviathan and now she keeps getting smacked back into the water and she doesn't have that far she can swim right

So she's going to move forward, but she is going to cast Finger of Death Oh boy. Blaine. I'm going to need a Constitution saving throw or you will take

7D8 necrotic damage. Damn it. She raises a finger points at you and a beam of dark energy rockets toward you. And he has to make a save? Yeah, on save. Did I not come through?

Oh, no, you did. I'm just checking it. 19 plus 2, 21. Oh. I believe that's going to make it. You need it. It's a spell save DC of 20 for her spell. Nice.

Nice. Good job. Ooh, baby. It's going to be a lot of damage, but you are going to have it. That's a lot of damage for me. Da-ha. So it'll be 16 points of necrotic damage.

Nice. And if you're uncanny, if you can uncanny dodge that as well. Oh, okay. So I'll just take eight. All uncanny dodge me. Holy shit. That's not bad for finger of death. Eight points of damage. Jesus Christ. That's, uh, 78. That's like less than it would do. Oh, finger licking bad. Whoa. Whoa. What a joke. Hold on. I got a joke on my mic. I got a way. Can't wait for a joke off my microphone. Yeah. There we go. Oh.

Wow. What a splash area that has. Yeah, it's like a Gallagher show in German. Chris, it's you. Oh, my turn? Sorry, I'm sorry. Okay. Nope. I'm going to first bonus, not bonus.

I'm just going to give a inspiration, Bartik Inspiration. Wait, it is a bonus action. I'll give bonus, Bartic Inspiration to Brian. So I know you have the same D8 that Ken does. Nice. I'll take it. And then for my action, I'm going to cast, I think, at a really, no, I'm going to save a fourth level. I'm going to cast Healing Word on Brian at fourth level.

So he gets 13 hit points back. Ooh. Pretty good. Brian, you got that? Yeah, thank you. You bet, you bet. Bonus action, action. That's my turn.

Nice. Can you what? I will once again cast Promatic Orb and hope for the best. Yeah. Which orb is it? Let's see. Acid. I like acid.

Okay. I'm a big fan of Roy Orb for myself. Oh, pretty much. That's 19 plus 8. That's a hit. She going to take some assia damn you. Oh, josh. 68

what does this say here come on 48 37 points of dance holy shit nice yeah this is horrifying ripping noise as you sizzle through her robes

her necrotic flesh getting burned off do we get to see the nape of her neck or perhaps the backside of her knee ankle you Twisted motherfucker. Ugh.

The dreams I might have. All right. Anything else for your turn, Captain? Would you like to move around or bonus it? Uh, I don't bonus it. I can't bonus it. Never forget to bonus. If you can, you're leveled.

You guys all have at least one, like, hidden little ability from your class. So it's a tab that. If you have healing potions in your inventory. That's true. Healing potion. Okay. I won't take a healing pose. Pound it and roll that, yeah, roll that healing.

Cuffa, whatever I roll. I'll roll to quaff. Yes. Standard healing is 2D4 plus two. Got it. Sorry. I'll never be able to hear 2D again without thinking of the nerd poker character 2. Facts of life?

No. That's six points of. Nice. That's not bad. Thanks for the tip. Cool. And then it sounds like that's up for your turn. I'm Hilt.

Glug is going to roll a death save. And he crits. That's two successes. Nice. Very nice. That's great. That's very good. I like that.

Then we'll be the first time he's going to go chop chop on that tentacle. Shkaboing, schkoing. It's going to be a hit and a miss. So he hits with the dagger. For... Wait, what? It gave the description, and not the damage. I mean the damage.

All right. Eight points of piercing damage. The tentacle's still going. It's gotten hit a bunch, but he hasn't hit it for enough to take it down. And then it is tentacle time, and it will slap him back. 9. And the other tentacle is going to swing at Brian.

No. Swing at Joffrey Spacoli. No. Yes. It's going to try. We'll see. Miss. Miss.

Noon. Miss. Noon it. 36 to hit. I'm going to cast silvery barbs and make that put him at disadvantage. Okay.

Mm-mm. I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm sorry. Yeah, it sounds like a Dean Martin zone. 35 dead. Sorry, buddy. These are pretty brutal swings. 22.

What? No, keep going. Sorry, I'm some dad. And so it's going to be halved. 11 points of damage for the peepers, and he's going to go down. Yeah. Brian, if you... Uncanny, yes.

Chris, you want to interject? I was just going to say, with my silvery barbs, I'm also going to give Brian advantage just so when it comes to his turn, he'll have advantage. Oh, okay. That's a quality of silvery barbs. I give somebody disadvantage,

and then I then gift to somebody else. So just, you know, Brian, on your turn, you'll have advantage. Brian, you're going to take 27 points of bludgeon damage, but I will throw you the bone of you wanting to uncanny dodge, yes? Yeah, yeah. Great. So the 27-Havs rounding down

would be 13 points of budgeting damage. All right. And it's your turn, Brian. Oh, wait, what, what? Yes, Chris. Would that help Peebers? What about me?

Would Silver Darbs help him? No, would Uncanny Dodge help? He did have it. He had eight hit points left, and he have 22, so he took 11 points and it knocked him out. Sorry, buddy. Yeah. Alas and a lack.

Brian, it's your turn. I go. I go. Oh, wait, what? We go. skip you? Me go, I go. Yeah, I'm after Chris.

Okay, I apologize. Ken, please. Oh, no, that was, Ken, I was going on a reaction. Oh, never mind. Never mind. That wasn't my time. My mistake. My mistake. I'm so used to being skipped. Oh, I'm sorry. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been busted. I apologize, Ken. Brian Rob. Wait, who's, who's just fucking with me? Who just hurt me this? The tentacle next to you who has not taken a ton of damage. it's still that same fucking

tentacle? I thought that tentacle got killed. Which tentacle got killed? Several tentacles have been killed, but the one next to you is thriving. It's a fucker. Let's see. You do have that javelin. Oh, yeah. I'm going to fuck with that. The adamantium javelin.

Here we go. How many. 22. And when you have advantage. Okay. Although any hit with the javelin is a crit. So no matter what he gets with advantage, if the first is a hit, it's a crit. Oh, never mind that.

Let's take it. 22. Yeah. That's a crit. Roll your damage. And we'll double the die damage. And sneak attack. Oh.

That's good. A. And then sneak attack is how many? 5D6. Jesus, age of Christ. There we go. What? Chemical.

Make sure he swim over there and get that job. Well, you're stabbing with it, right? It works as a melee weapon. 17. So 8 and 17. Okay. That is, oh boy. 25? Points of damage?

Sneak attack damage specifically? I'll take it. Tentical's starting to look rough. You rip right through it with that javelin and practically skewer it. The worm has nearly been hooked. Anything else for your turn, Brian? No, that'll do it.

All right. That will bring us to the Leviathan. It is going to automatically succeed because he is unconscious grab glug. Gluge has two death save successes, but is also grappled now. It doesn't automatically do damage. I don't think Let me see No it's just a grapple

And then it'll be Blaine's turn Hi Blaine Hey hi I'm going to I think I'm closer to the The tentacle that these guys are fucking with It's the one on the left right?

Yeah I'm going to hit it with a firebolt And then And then move 30 feet Actually I'm just going to stay but okay uh so i hit it with a fire you have a nice distance from everything right now although you are getting a finger of death pointed at you uh 14 plus 6 20 that's such a hit and that 2d 10 uh 16 all right do you slams into it still going but it is uh like I said

starting to look worse okay and I'm gonna can I can I submerge kind of get out of the line of sight Why not? Yeah, I'll do that. I am going to ask you to roll a stealth check if you're trying to hide. Okay. I'll do that. I have a good stealth. 13 plus 12.

Woof. All right. 1312. You did two things with your hands. Is that some sort of number joke? What could you possibly be referencing, Blaine? How do you do fellow kidsing? Oliver appreciates them.

He fucking hates it when I do that. How often? He screams when 6'7 pops up in any context. He gets giddy. He pretends he's not into it. But yeah, any kid goes crazy when they're 6'7. Woo! Rhodes is like a year out.

He fucking hates it. Like he refuses and thinks all those kids are dorks. Oh, I know. But it's impossible to get away from it right now. It's really funny. I know, and it's... I got it as a tattoo. Oh.

Yeah. We're next to the Totenkov. Brodz calls all the kids that have that broccoli hair, Teddy calls him broccoli heads. Oh, yeah, yeah. I call them brocks. I have a bunch of brocks. I found Edgar.

She had him like so bad. I remember when I have blue hair, Rhodes called me Billy Eilish. He sure did. The night day for the blue herring. Didn't he burn Sam when he was like five? Yeah.

Probably. Yeah. I'm trying to remember what he said. He's a roaster. Yeah. For sure. All right. The litch is up next.

It's going to cast Acid Arrow at Blaine. Can it not see me? It is going to have to roll. Yeah, it would not do you. You're right. You've rolled too high.

wouldn't target you. Would target Ken? Good, good job, Blaine. But what? Acid arrow here at Compton. Isn't there somebody else right next to him? There was Blaine, but guess what, Blaine's underwater, and he rolled a 25 on his bonus action hide,

so you're shit out of luck. But I, but I. But I. All right, so range spell attack. Sorry, Ken. No, that's fine. 26 to hit. Oh, no, totally missed.

Oh, my armor class is 57. What? It's 57! 12 points of acid damage. Okay. And I dodged or something? You can't. Maybe something.

Getting my hometown, Duffy. He had a lot of acid damage. The Cracken didn't hit you this turn, did it? No. It grappled. glugue, so you can use uncanny dodge.

You haven't used it this turn. This round. I don't think. Do I, I don't even know if I have it. Oh, that's right. You don't. I keep forgetting you're not a rogue, just like you keep forgetting

you're not a rogue. Yeah, I don't have it. All right. Yeah. So, yeah. So, yeah, so, love it. Does he have evasion?

Good. I'm happy. Is he evasion or anything? No, I don't know. No. So I don't know what you mean by, what are you? Yeah.

All right. So that's going to, It's going to do it for the litch. It is Chris Tallman's turn at Dungeons and Dragon. All right. I'm going to try something. I'm going to use another Bartic inspiration as a unsettling word, but I want to do it against the Leviathan.

Okay. Nice. So the Leviathan first. I'm going to try and do the same thing. So it's a D8 against its saving throws, a three. Not great. And now having done that as a bonus action, as a spell, I'm going to try and cast command.

Yeah, you know what? Why not? I'm going to upcast it at second level. Okay. So that it's potentially affecting Viviathan and the Litch. I'm really hoping it goes for the Leviathan. So it has to make a DC-17, I guess they both do.

It has to make a DC-17 wisdom-saving throw. And then the Leviathan has a minus three. All right. Leviathan rolls a 22 minus three, and the Litch rolls a 20. Fuck. Never fucking mind. Nothing happens.

It's all. We're all dead. All right. Anything else? It's not very optimistic. No, but I was excited and it didn't work. I was going to try to make the Levi. I was going to try to make the Leviathan, eat the litch.

Whoa. Oh, man, that would be pretty badass. Eat the lich. I mean, put that on your to-do list. It's not like you won't have a list. Oh, it's on the list. And now it's scratched off. You could still try, can't you?

Life is a bitch. All right, that's mature. All right, Ken, you're up. I didn't forget. Maybe I should cast command and make it eat the litch. Yeah. You got to make you Eat the Litch T-shirt. Yeah, I think so.

Eat the Litch. Get an easy, B, see fun. I'm going to cast, son of a bitch. I'm going to cast another agonizer, scorcher. What the hell? Okay. Wait a minute. I'd rather cast something.

Chromatic orb again. Sorry, chromatic orb, poison. This time. Against. Zillich or sorry acid Against litch? Yeah, okay That's a spell attack, right?

Yeah, 20 plus 8 E T-T-A C-A 12 plus 8 is 20 That's a hit Alright Then 68 33 points of acid

Damage 10, how would you like to see the lich die Oh, finally. That's how I'd like to see it die. Oh, okay. It opens a large book and shows you the ending and it's dead. What's, uh, what were you going to say? That's final.

No, I want to hear what? You, you, you, you be creative. You just killed the life. Oh, no, it's Jackie Collins. Let it dissolve into bones, and then the bones dissolve into a pile and it's just a big, all right. Well, you see, of course, some collarbones, some ankle,

a little bit of calf, and then suddenly, It singles till it is not but bum. I love it. I love that shit. All right. Thank you Heroforge, by the way, for making a mini of the thief queen. It made exactly one appearance at Brian's house.

I'm happy that it showed off a little bit. And anything else for your turn? Kenneth. I mean, a wink at the camera. Will you? That's crazy. I was just cleaning this.

He winked at the camera all the time. The Knight Rider? No, it's Smokey's car. Oh, that is Night Rider. Smokies is right here. I mean, the Bandit. Michael, why are you right there? Yeah, yeah, that was Michael.

You're right. Ken, this is the... Nice. At the end of your turn? Christine. Oh, Christine. 16. Yes.

All right. You have been soaked in acid from when you got hit with acid arrow earlier this round, so you're now going to take 2D for additional acid damage. Wow. Oh, my God. Does it help that he's floating in water? I'll tell you what. I'll let him do a con save to have it.

Nice. Great. Anything below... You have a, you have a, do you remember you still have Bardic inspiration? You have six hit points left? I thought I used it. It only gets you if you use it to succeed. The time you use it, you fit.

And you have six. Okay. So I'm sorry to say. You have, well, if you and Brian have Bartic inspiration for, for 10 minutes. How many hit points do you have left again? Three. Okay. So, yeah, the acid arrow, it's leftover damage is six.

So. Okay. And then I can do it. What did you say? Constitution. To have it down to three. That's a 16? It's not going to do it versus the litches spell saved.

Do you see? Then I am down again. All right. Down again. And as you go down, it is, yes, it rinses away. It won't happen next round. Oh, good. God damn.

Too little too late. Glug is going to make a debt saving throw, a very important debt saving throw. Oh, you can. Ooh, that's a third success. So Glug is going to wake up. Nice. However, Glug is grappled.

So it's like not great times. But at least he is not grappled and dead. Up next is Little Peepers. And he is going to make his death save. And that'll be one success for Little Peepers. And then it is Tenicle Time. Making a note about the death. That's saved for little peepers as we were almost done with this round of nerding pokes.

One tentacle is going to slap it Brian. It will go cusswack. 30 to hit. 30 to hit. And that'll be... Yucco. 22 points of bludgeoning damage. Oh, fuck you.

Not you. The game. He's in character. And then the other one is done... The other one's done beating little peepers to a pulp, and it's going to rise force towards Chris and take a swing at Chris. I'm down, everybody. You guys said, Joffrey goes, oh, shit, falls down.

Okay. You dick, you dick. He falls down. Oh, boy, oh boy. 35 to hit, Chris. Yes, Dan, of course, that's a hit. You know, it's just for listeners to, like, Chronicle. It's not like I don't think it's going to be messy.

22 points of bludgeoning. You got some stuff you're going to do with that? Are you taking that full damn, damn? Yeah, I don't have, like, a thiefy thing. Okay. I take full. Ouch. All right.

And you're still up? Oh, yeah. All right. Well, we will be visiting Brian's saving throw. for death when next we play Dungeons and Dragons. Uh-oh. Folks, I love if you checked out Darkest Wimsy. Bling, are you doing any shows coming up?

This is coming out in three weeks. Three weeks, I'll be hosting Lucha Vovum at the Fox Theater in Pomona on May 30th. It's a lot of fun, folks. It's blessed. Brian. Brian appears to have left. Maybe he

Oh, who's that? Is that Brian for saying? He doesn't have his headphones in though, so he doesn't know it's his time to plug. Maybe we can make up Brian's plugs. Oh, hey, you know, I'll also be at Cobbs in San Francisco with Ron Funches on June 12th and 13. Oh, nice. I love any time, any chance to be in doing comedy in San Francisco. Brian, we await your turn for plugs.

Oh, okay. I got Springfield Missouri Springfield Comedy Club coming up and then I've Kansas City that's What about Shelby Bay?

No I wish There's something else coming up Oh in the Boston area I've got a gig in June I believe and then I've got GalaxyCon at New Orleans coming up this summer.

That's gonna be super fun in San Diego Comic-Con where we're gonna have a big, Stewart Fails to Save the Universe panel with Kevin Sussman and Lauren Lapkis and John Ross Bowie, my pals. We gotta get some of them to guest on this show to promote my crazy HBO Max show. People are starting to see it

and I'm getting excited about it. I'm fucking, so stoked and can't wait for everybody to see it. It's the coolest thing I've ever been involved in, and I've been involved in some really fun stuff. But this is like another level. It's a big big TV production. Chuck Lori and Zach Penn and Bill Prady,

just fucking hitting it out of the park. So cool. Yeah, I just saw the first episode, and I watched it with Mel, you guys, like, we were freaking out. Like, it's the most I've ever been on camera in the show. And it's, and it's such a fun part. And I had a blast. Awesome.

I'm glad of finally getting success at 39 years old. And I've been, you know, really banging it around. I've been doing comedy for 70 years, but I'm only 39. Anyway, I'm bad at Mass. All right, Jack Benny. Blame? We attribute the success. Saved mankind for me.

Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well, Oh, uh, hey guys, it's time for the nerd poker mailback. Dear nerd poker, hi, is Connie from the Homeowners Association. Again. Obviously, this is about you leaving the lids off your dumpster, which is attracted that bear that talks like Art Tarnie

and where's a tie that no pan. If you don't bungee your lips, we are going to shoot that bear on site and it's little friend and its mate with the freaky skirt, it freaks me out. Also, take down your goddamn Christmas lights, Paul Springs are solid moths

and he can't sleep with the fluttering. No more warning. We'll tell Gotti to go fuck herself on the next nerd poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker

and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 and Sino, California, 91416. Thanks for listening.