Nerd Poker - The Fog Campaign - Episode 8

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

It's time to dust our hands off and go all in on looting this wine cellar! A big old treasure chest is only a door away! But uh, what's all this with the kobolds? One of them blew up trying to break in or something? Maybe we meditate on that for a moment... or maybe it would be chill to just charging ahead without worrying about it. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker

Hey, it's Brian Postain, nerd poker. We're calling it The Thug Campaign. My friends are here, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, of course our kick-ass DM Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerdpoker. Hey everybody it's Brian PeSaint. You're listening to Nerdper. It's episode eight of the Fog Campaign. We were just talking about movies. That's what we're doing. Just hanging out. Now you're here. Let's play some D&D. My friends are here.

Chris. Hey, hey, pal. Dan. Hi. You're going to get killed by a dinosaur again. Still, I know. Ken's here. How do you do? I love the you sit in front of a battle accident.

Looks like you have horns. Oh, there you go. That's a creep that creeps. Bad luck. Yeah. Speaking of battle, explains here. Yeah, don of Battleaxe, Blaine's here. Yeah, don't bring up my mother-in-law, I tell you. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was hoping that would be the riff.

Yeah, me too. All the comedians taught me I was going to hate my mother-in-law and they were all wrong. All wrong. They were so wrong. My mother-in-law and they were all wrong. All wrong. They were so wrong. My mother-in-law is fantastic. Speaking of mother-in-laws, Sam's here everybody. Hello sweet children.

Our Sam-in-law. Our group mother-in-law. Is the mother-in-law that everyone loves. No. Would you put that dog to bed? Oh, hold on. There she is. put that dog to bed? Hold on. There she is. Dog to Robin and.

Oh, look at all those Funko pops. What are those? Funko pops. Yeah. Oh, it's all the Lord of the Rings guys. Oh, yeah. You and Mel have the same collection. Andy Serkis. What like us?

So it's what stiff betas and oh, sorry, that's the Lords of the New Church. Oh, boy. I ramen for three people. That joke. Yeah, I can remember the guitar players from the damned. Was he from the damned? I don't know. That ramen is terrific. He looks like those little stiff betas, oh he's like on a leaky engine oh

You know what's great about ramen normally with muppets, you know, you only see like the upper torso No, I know he did some like lower chassis work here with Rob. Oh, it's amazing It's all hollow. So he floats work here with Rob. Oh, it's amazing. It's all hollow so he floats. There's six guys under Sam that are working with Rob. The Kyoto brothers. Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid I was watching Sesame Street and Bert was doing a thing called Do the Pigeon. Mm-hmm. Where he danced and he had legs and I had never seen Bert's legs before and it flipped me out. And my mom was mad at me for some reason.

And she was in the other room. I was like, mom, mom, Bert's legs. Mom, come quick, Bert's legs. And she didn't come and see Bert's legs. And I was like, what the fuck? I was losing my mind. But my mom is gone now and she never saw Burt's leg. That explains so much.

That explains so much about you. Yeah, it just was like, oh my God, Burt's legs. He has legs. And he was dancing with them. Dude, the pigeon. He's got those two-tone shoes. Did you feel like BC? Striping.

Yeah, yeah. Clams got scruples. Clams got legs. Did you feel like BC? Striping. Yeah. Yeah. Clams got scruples. My mom, my mom ruined every Disney movie, every movie I liked because she would just would come out of it and she'd go, well, that was ludicrous. Ludicrous? Yes. Ever see Captain the Beerus?

To a five year old. Yeah. I buy the bed knobs, but not the. Yeah. Well, I I enjoyed that darn cat. Well, I think that darn cat was ludicrous. What about escape from which mountain, mom? That was ludicrous.

You know, it was really ludicrous. That computer. I don't know how I I don't know how I got a sense of humor. I had to I had to find one. It's ludicrous that computer. I don't know how I I don't know how I got a sense of humor. I had to I had to find one. It's a little bit. A lot of those come from pain. I just picture your mom kneeling down and being like, just so you know, Don Nats is not a fish named Mr.

Limping. No. Well, he's a person. She was too fancy for Disney like she when later on she would take me to, you know, a ton of Woody Allen and any Barbara Streisand farce that was more her speed. Fanny Brice was not ludicrous. Yeah, there's a quality Fanny Brice. Also, I apologize. The Incredible Mr.

Limpid is a Warner Brothers movie, not a Disney movie. But Dana Goode probably knew that. Yeah, she was here. All right. You did too. I wonder. I wonder what the porn parody of The Incredible Mr. Limp would be.

I bet I can guess It's very I think they would ever call it bucks. Yeah, but they would never call porn lip dick That's not like good. Well, you know, I mean there's a there's an arc there You can see you can see the art. Oh finally he gets it. Yeah I, I do want to know what the important plot would be, given that there was Nazi submarines involved. Well, you got a lot of shit going down, Dan. Come on. Like you can't fool around submarine.

Yeah. Oh, wait. On for Red October cock. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Oh, you know what? Why don't I thank some people for allowing us to do this? Have we started? You know, this podcast used to be illegal, but thank you to listeners like you supporting us on Patreon. We have fought back against the system and been granted the right to say these incredibly stupid things. So thank you to all of you for supporting us on Patreon. We have fought back against the system and been granted the right to say these incredibly stupid things. So thank you everyone who heads on over

to patreon.com slash nerd poker, especially folks at our top two tiers of support. They have users names, users words names. They have usernames like Fang the Tabaxi with one fuzzy nut. Thank you, fam. Thank you, Death Row Hamburglar. Thank you, Smelly Tail Shartwig.

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Thank you, What What in the Glut. Thank you, Dustin Peterson. Thank you, Paquito Torpedo. And finally, thank you, Maygee Keach's plus five rod of Wham Dango laying on the supporters brought to all of what what what what what what? The best we have the best listener names. Oh, yeah, we had that.

We had a guy gave us money at the show, Brian. Oh, yeah. Then Craig name. Oh, cool. Thanks, Craig. The is a good D&D player. That show was super fun. Cool. Thanks. Great. He's a good D&D player. That show was super fun. It was fun. Well, you know what else is fun?

I love hearing from Blaine. Who brought us all of the supporters? Oh, support is brought to us by Impossible Stakehams, the original Cal roll up Impossible Stakehams now made with real meat and Nestle's quick body wash when you need to wash your body quick. The original cow roll-up, Impossible Stake-Ums, now made with real meat. And Nestle's Quick Body Wash. When you need to wash your body, quick! Nestle's Quick Body Wash.

Nerd Poker's softball uniforms provided by Delray's Manscaping. We're gonna get in there! Delray's Manscaping. Thanks, Delray's. Dan? Thank you, Boym. I really like that banana flavored Nesquik. Delray's Manscaped. Thanks, Delray's. Dan? Thank you, Boym. Really like that banana flavored Nesquik.

That was my favorite. It's very tropical, right? It was like the way bananas used to taste. Yeah. When it meant something. Before they got all woke. Right? Enough of these woke banana flavorings. it's time to talk about what happened

last time on Nerdpoker. So you guys are in the basement of Alathor's Alarax, a drow who has just gone and left his mansion unattended. You broke into his wine cellar, wherein you have encountered some traps that you have disarmed, as well as a couple of kobolds. Their third kobold friend died in a trap and you're hoping they will help you get past this trap. You're now kind of in a large chamber in the cellar.

Somewhere above you is the manor of Xalarax. Can everybody please roll an insight check? Doing it. of Xalarax, can everybody please roll an insight check? Doing it. Doing it. Seven eight fifty. Doing it well. Thirteen, fourteen, eight and six. Sorry. Insight.

Yeah, insight. 16. Oh, you got it, Joffrey. It occurs to you that, yeah, there's probably some sick loot in that treasure chest to the south past that trap door you heard about, but also you're not 100% sure that is the loot you came for. So it'll be some cool loot, but, oh, you're not 100% sure it's going to be the needle of Umberley,

the rapier that you came. OK. Right. And we're making these these cobalt's go down and show us where the trapdoor was. Well, they do. So these two cobalt's named Pond's Mouth and Dorknut head south. You see they go into a larger chamber where they told you there were food stores. Give me a minute. Don't forget about finger biscuit. That needs to be a biscuit finger. Biscuit finger is the name of the one who.

Oh, sorry. Right. Biscuit finger. Yes. OK, I'm good. But Ponce Mouth and Dork Knight head south. And they go in this room full of food stores and they kind of like walk to the edge and Pond's mouth points ahead and says, well, there's a big old fucking trap door. So what happened was we we watched this configure step forward and he got like sucked under the door. It like opened up a little bit.

He would. And then for a little while he was like, hey, door, it like opened up a little bit. He was. What? And then for a little while, he was like, Hey, guys, I'm trapped under here. We were like, oh, we'll get you out. And we tried to figure out how to maybe get him out of here. Then we heard an explosion and screams and then silence. Well. That's terrible. So can we go now?

Because we don't know what we're going to do. And it was in the doorway, you're saying. Are we doing your closed door behind them? Is that a thing there? Yeah, there was a closed door behind them and they said once you open it, there's a huge trap door that is about 15 feet long. And it opened a crack and sucked their friend underneath it. It got biscuit finger. It got biscuit finger.

It got biscuit finger. This just happened. They said it happened about six days ago. Oh, OK. Oh. When you guys have been grieving after him and living off the food stores, trying to figure out how to get past the traps that the autonomes let them pass. The autonomes are now switched off in a rim to the east. OK.

Have you guys seen how we're going to get past this shit? Did you turn on the autonomes to try and help them get past this trap? They started threatening us. So we turned them off. Well, We didn't turn them back on. What do you mean? Oh, they were like intruder alert kind of deal. Yeah. Did, uh, did anybody come down here for any of the food that's in these food

supplies now? No, it's weird. Hmm. And I'm going to look around, see if there's any pounce or any temptations. I could I could go for some, you know, some frisky's, maybe a fancy feast. Oh, my gosh. Chop Chop. Let's get a perception check from everybody. Perry. 816 now, now, now.

That's a big five. 14. Oh, wait, hang on a sec. We're 13. Five, I got five. Well, I did. I did, too, but I got a plus eight. Nice.

Oh, I actually got a two plus three. Oh, but it's a it's a it's a quality three. You all kind of look around the room and there is a fantastic selection of what looks like dozens of kinds of fruits and vegetables and a variety of crates, some of them overflowing. All of the food looks like it of kinds of fruits and vegetables and a variety of crates, some of them overflowing. All of the food looks like it's in great condition. I think it's been stuck up everywhere. Is there still a...

Is it magic or? Yeah, does Ken still have a detect magic up? I don't know, do you Ken? How long does it take? I think you have to buy it. I didn't turn it off. Yeah, I think it goes for a while. Yeah, because if it's fruits and vegetables underground

for a week, these bananas would be getting a little, they'd look like cigars by now. So concentration up to 10 minutes. So yeah, you would still have it going, but it would be about to lose its momentum. Everything in here is magic. Every fruit and every vegetable is magic, which might explain why they're all in good condition after having been left down here.

You also get a mild get a mild aura off of the trap door head and then your detect magic fizzles out. Don't need anything. It will have been 10 minutes. Ah, so this stuff's a bunch of shit. So can we ask this, ask the cobalt, hey, did any of this food taste funny? They have it make you levitate, give you superpowers or anything,

or was it just good? It's good. It's fresh. They ate it. They ate it. They said they've been eating it for a week. Oh, great. It stands to reason if these are the supplies of the guy upstairs that, I mean, look at all the trash.

Magic. Yeah. I mean, there's no way this guy's gonna be like, oh the celery is wet. You know what I mean? This guy's got the super crisper. Sure. Can you, Shalab, I know you dispelled magic on a trap before. Do you think you could do that on the one up here? On the door, you mean?

Well, it seems like once you open the door, the floor open. Right. Isn't that Dan? Isn't that the deal? Is that what they said? They opened the door with no consequences. And then there was a 15 foot long trap door that once they like watched their friend take one step on it, it opened a crack and sucked him underneath.

It's like a loony tune, like a really crazy distortion of physics. Yes. So we don't want to step on that. No, but maybe you could dispel the, Trap. You know, the magic on it. Do you think?

Do you think, what do you think? Should I open the door and dispel the magic on the on the trap door or should I? Yeah, for sure. Well, I think what he had just said didn't. Dan, that's what triggers it, right? He's stepping on it. It's stepping on it, not opening the door. Yeah. So, yeah, I will.

I will try that. I for sure approached the door and something is written on it in undercommon. Undercommon, you say? I can read undercommon. Anybody? Yes. Undercommon. Yes. Yes.

The kitty. Bless you. Does peepers can peepers under underpeep? Bless you. Does Peepers can Peepers under underpeak? Bless you. Little Peepers cannot speak under common. Oh, buddy. I can read it. I can speak. Oh, OK.

It says make an offering in the name of the Lord of the House. Hmm. What did you guys do with this? You talking to the Cobalt's? Yeah. But what? I was going to they don't speak it. They can't read it. Is it that you read what was on this door?

Oh, boy. I don't know what the fuck that is on the door. I'm picturing one of those banks that you would get at Spencer's Gifts, where you put in like a coin down and a skeleton comes out and pulls it into the thing, the skeleton hand. Yeah, those are creepy. Should we put a like a gold piece or something on the on the floor in the name?

Some sort of a place for an offering I mean just looking at the door no no okay but you haven't opened the door yet either yeah I think it isn't it like open it up and I would assume put a coin or something down like didn't the Cobol all sucked into the offering. The Cobol is the offering. I mean, I assume. Yeah. Hmm. But again, if we dispel the magic, then this trap ceases to be right.

I would assume. If it's successful. Yeah, let's I'm going to open the door and dispel magic. I'm going to tie myself, anchor myself, I guess, to a table or something so that it doesn't, you know, if there's like a vacuum or a magic Roomba going on. You open the door, you see this 15 foot long trap door, as was promised. Looks like there is a small plate. Sort of like on the edge of the trap door, right where you're at. And offering in the name of what's his name, Al for Alka.

What's his last name? Dan Alvar, Althor, Z. What's his last name? Dan Althor Althor is Alarax. Zalarax. Ask your doctor if Salarax is right for you. I've got a gold piece. You want to try something? Sure. Let's just see if something happens. Yeah, because then I'd have to worry if the magic level is high enough or anything.

I will. You know what? How many of us are there? There are in our party, there's five plus two. So seven. So let's say I'll put I'll take out seven gold pieces, seven coins. And carefully without stepping on the thing, I'll put them onto the plate and say, in the name of Alathor Xelorax, we request passage safely. Clink. Onto the plate. OK.

Does anything happen? No clicks, no bing, no whoops. No, nothing happens. Sorry, Shlub. Nothing happens. Yeah. Sorry, Shalab. Nothing happens. Um, you know, take your gold gold back. Sure. Yeah. How high are the ceilings in this place, Dan?

About 10 feet. What a 10, you said. Sorry. Yeah, boss. Well, I'll cast the spell magic. OK, let's get that role with the spellcasting modifier. That'll be all of all four. OK. Okay. So that's a 20.

16 plus 4. Nice. Okay. Just gonna check. I'm a bad boy. Slav, you're rolling hot. We gotta take you're rolling hot. We're going to take you to the tracks. OK, if you hear a thwick noise,

the spell appears to have gone. You start to hear a hissing noise and the trap door is now rattling in place. Oh, back away. Continues to rattle. Rattle as in something is pushing again, like the hissing. Does it is it like steam or something pushing against the it or something air sucking into it or something?

If it looks almost like something is pulling down on the trap door with great intensity. Oh, yeah, we should get the fuck away from that. Yeah, I think so. Let's maybe close the door and back the hell up. Let's get out of this room as well. Yeah, it sounds good. Close the door in Just in case.

All right. Out here. You gingerly close the door and back up. Everybody roll a perception check. All right. Cobalt scurry way back. 19. Cobalt scurry way back. Nineteen.

Nine, three and six. Twelve. Wow. I know three. All right. Who got the 19? Was that Chris? Yeah, I got 19. So you all hear this massive explosion on the other side of the door and Twidden, you all kind of notice that the door is now sort of rattling on its hinges, but it looks as

if the door is now being pulled in. Okay, go. I think we need to maybe leave fall back. Yeah, I think we need to leave. It's going to suck the whole place in. I'm going to untie myself from the table and get to the room. Yeah, this is I think this is a Ghostbusters, the fucking trap. I think it's like run out of the building.

Fucking steam is flying out at the top. So you guys all start booking it and you hear a slam and then a series of hissing noises You run up Out of this sort of mausoleum Downward thing heading, you know towards where the gargoyle was. And you just hear a series of explosions coming from the wine cellar. The Cobalt's go to run like just make an complete booking book away. Do you guys do anything about it?

I think that's a crystal light to stop them. I don't care. Yes, I just want to get out here. I you kind of see them go like off in the distance and this huge just like wave of water starts slamming up out of the stairwell you came from and filling the graveyard. Water is being pumped at a massive rate up out of where you came from.

So like it's like around our legs. Yes, like that. Yes. It's not dispersing. The it's dispersing throughout the graveyard, and it's probably going to start spilling out of the graveyard momentarily. But it's like, you know, rushing up quickly. There's jets of it kind of.

Sounds like this guy did not get a real like contractor to help him out with this. Probably no work permit. Yeah, the mud of the graveyard is now starting to get thick. You're starting to see things float. You see the water spilling out into the cobblestone streets. A treasure seem to be floating out with that. You do see a couple of carrots

and some bok choy has exploded up out of it and some chunks of wood. Oh, I can make my my famous bok choy wood. Little Peepers says, I think we need to make haste. Yeah, for sure. The plan has gone awol. Do we still want to try and get the sword? Do you think we should just get out of here? I think we should get out of here.

I think I mean, I think we're going to drown. We should take us. Let's regroup over there He points to the buildings off to the west. Maybe I can still make good of this, but we should not be where the guards can find us Doesn't something those guards are functioning but let's go Four plus 10, 14. For 14 plus 24, 14 plus 216. Nice. What was yours, Brian?

24. Nice. 18. And we got a 20. I'm stealthy as fuck, yo. Jesus. 18. And we got a 20. Dump these fuck you. Jesus. Well, because 29. So you guys all rush kind of like on top of a building. There's a ladder leaning against a shop.

And you're all kind of looking at this water just spilling out into the streets. There were two, you know, different autonomes that were at the front gate that are now kind of like scrambling back to where you all came from. And little Peepers is just sort of like scratching one of his tusks, trying to think of a plan. He says, well, the front door is now unattended.

Let's do it, man. Yeah, let's do it. This might not be the best timing, but also we've created a distraction. That is not nothing. Yeah, that's a good diversion. Let's go! Okay.

All right. You guys all go? Yes. Yes. Okay. I'm gonna quickly stick my leg up in the air and lick all the water off my blimmers. What? stick my leg up in the air and lick all the water off my blimmers. What?

Is that what you call your testicles? You. I do now. All right, well, you are now in sort of the front like walkway. Like you all just kind of burst through these iron gates that have like a simple hook on them without a lock. You get to the front doors of the mansion and Little Peepers is like, well, who would like to do the honors? I will give guidance to whoever wants to check for traps.

I'll do it. Oh, yeah. Or yeah, either. Go blame. 14 plus 418 and plus Guidance and should you require? Another three so 17 It was 18 plus 321. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry 14 yes, there's a click-clack noise, you know pop the lock inside Yeah, pop the lock inside.

Yeah. Pop and lock, yeah. After you've done some popping and locking, you open the front doors and you're now in this little sort of front entryway. Let's see. Trying to grab the map. This was originally going to be done with miniatures. So I'm trying to find, where is the one I had as a backup for this?

No Memento for, Blaine, who is this moment of silly pause brought to us by? This moment brought to us by scrawny paper towels well you don't pick up anything not that absorbent please don't use this to try to wipe something up oh god why you spill a will please don't use me to Scrawl the paper towels Well Blaine out did himself. Thank you blame. Um, you are now in this sort of long hallway with red carpeting

There's a door to your right door to your left and you think you see a larger chamber up ahead with sort of a, that's the word I'm looking for, foyer vibe to it. I think we want to get in and like, it's either in like an office or an armory or something like that Does that seem like first floor second floor to you guys? Thieves what do you think where where if from the places you've broken into in the past like

Like how should we proceed should we go deep straight ahead? Should we try and find a staircase is it does it seem? There are like multiple levels to this place, right? It looks like from what you saw, there are three floors. Yes. I would I would think that we were down there where all this all the traps and crazy shit was that we would. He would maybe have his his sword up on the top level where his probably his penthouse dwelling would be. Right. It's really makes sense.

Yeah, I I just rolled inside. I would. All right. What did you get on the inside, Brian? Twenty one. Oh, baby. Yeah, you do think it's likely that you would want to at least get farther in. Although what little you know about this place, you think that it could just as well be on the first floor.

Okay. Well, let's get in either way. Yeah. Should we like move into the foyer? Again, being mindful about traps. Yeah, yeah. More little ding dongs. The guards and such. Yeah, yeah. I'll take the lead and do it to a stealth check, you know, be stealthy.

Well, a role is stealth there for us, Brian. OK. Oh, nice. 15 plus 10, 25. You very easily get inside the foyer area without making a single piece. Look around. Looks like there are two massive statues. Both of them are holding swords flat in their hands on either side of you, like kind of looking over your shoulder.

And then there are doorways, not doorways, more just like hallways that continue to the right and left. There is some sort of. Mantle straight ahead and then stairwells that lead up onto a balcony to the right and to the left. I'm almost ready to show you guys what this looks like. Anything special on the mantle? I there is a few like little Trinkets it looks like an urn glass egg ball clock

Glass no glass Took me a second. Yeah, so we are there a shelf with some old records? So nothing in terms of nothing's nothing popping out as far as go check that out. What's the vibe of the statues with the sores? That's what I'm worried about. What? Yeah. Let me go ahead and get you this map. So, oh, a new map. Yeah.

I like it. You're not excited. You would have your maps. I didn't think you'd end up here at all, let alone during this episodes. But and look, here we are. Little peepers certainly would say, why not? And suggest that I say I just didn't think we'd write the rule. The fact that you remove the magic

from the trap door is just really funny to me and it will entertain me for at least the next four or five episodes. So we're not supposed to do that. Um, so we're not supposed to do that. I mean, let's just say a few months ago, I made a plan where it was like, well, surely they won't just dispel the magic on everything that's magic. So I'll just have there be a tunnel leading to, you know, the sea. And they won't just like make it open wide. Like, why would they do that?

I'll magically have this. Oh, no, they did it. So smoke them if you got them, you know, and maybe it'll change the way this town thinks. The highfalutin people are very scared of the swampy fishmen. Now it seems as though some fish people could live around here. Go to the bottom middle of the map. I have your tokens.

Oh, there it is. OK. I see it. I see it. Still working on making these all tokens. You can move around. So give that about 30 seconds. OK, cool. Yeah. Okay, so staircases. Yeah, staircases, lovely parquet floor. What's that in the middle straight ahead there?

Butter. Up top of the map. That is the mantle that has little trinkets it. Frinkets on it. Got it. Let's get an insight check from everybody. No one else got the park. Absolutely. Parking because it looks like a stick of butter. Didn't butter. Yeah, nobody heard the butter.

Butter. Hard. OK. OK. Would you say insight? Yeah. From everybody to figure out where to go inside. OK, here we go. 1610 plus 610. Two plus eight.

I heard 2621. 21. OK. The 21, I think you would at least want to get a little bit more a lay of the land before deciding whether to go upstairs or downstairs. Sure. I want to echo everybody else's terror of these giant statues that are here for one reason and that's to punch our bodies until they make holes. I even notice with that insight check, the swords that they are holding

are both. About one to one size and different from each other. Oh, can we without touching get a better look at them swords? One of them is a great sword, and one of them is a rapier. Can we point that out to Little Peepers? Little Peepers is very intrigued by this revelation and says, Oh, I don't know how to make them stop being stone attached to those stone

hands, but that could be a French kiss the statues if he says it could be at least a replication of the needle of Umberley if not the needle of time well do we want to explore first in the hopes that it is just a replication and then if we don't find it anywhere else, come back here and I guess what? Bring this guy to life and fight him for his sword. Right? That's not excited, Chris. Lil Peepers offers to get a quick lay of the land

if you need a scout. Sure, unless I thought Joffrey kind of wanted to do it, but what do you think Joffrey kind of wanted to do it, but it what do you think, Joffrey? Peepers can do it. He nods and you see him just sort of whoosh off to the right. He whooshes. And then anyone with a passive perception of 18 or better would see him then whoosh off to the left as he tries to, as quickly as possible, just dash back and forth.

He runs back in. All right. There is a big waiting area off to the west. If we were to go in there, there are several doors, one of which seems to lead out to a garden, one of which to some sort of kitchen, and then one of which to some sort of kitchen and then one of which to some sort of storage room. There is what looks like a den also off to the left, a den that has, let's just say,

shelves and cupboards and interesting things for thieves like us. Off to the right there is some sort of, I don't know, study and then a very, very unusual room that I could not get an easy read on. Looks like I couldn't see much. There's just a keyhole. I didn't want to test the door, but there are statues inside and then some sort of little artist's room painting. It looked like again, keyhole observation. Artist room, creepy stature room study. That's off to the right. A den, I should say to the left is more of a study,

some sort of piano I saw in this study. And then the kitchen storage room and then garden. I think I don't know about you guys, but maybe more to the right. Yeah, there it might be on the left, but I think all all things being equal, sounds like the odds are better on the right. Hearing this little peepers quickly escorts you to the hallway off to the right. He points north and says, that's the artist's room. To the right, says that's where there was a bunch of creepy statues

and to the south and says that is this this sort of den room that looks like there is like shelves and cupboards, not unlike the study off to the west. Are this the statues of humans or drow or monsters? Why don't you take a peek? I will look through the keyhole because Peepers is right there. Lord, he's going to look through the keyhole because Peepers is right there. Lord, I like the keyhole.

Lord, I'm 14 plus 14 plus 822. That's perception. Yeah, there's not much you can see from just a keyhole, but you do see what looks like the statue of very, very large statue of a tiefling or a satyr, something with horns that's just to the left. Miami Sound Machine. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Orns. Wait, I mean, I think we just gotta pick a room. What do you guys like?

You like the study with all the cupboards? Do you like the statue room? Blaine, sounds like you're drawn to the statue room. I just wanted to make sure that the statues don't look like they're going to, you know, turn into Ray Harryhausen guards and come at us. Oh, yeah. So then the statues that are in that room with us. Can you address that? In that in the main room?

Yeah. In the foyer holding the swords. What do those guys look like? They are about 15 feet tall. It's a very high foyer ceiling. And there's nothing about them that makes you immediately think that they would spring to life other than the fact that the swords they're holding in their hand are what it looks like to scale of actual swords. Okay.

Should we go into the I would say let's let's hit the study first and see if there's any sort of you know writing or yeah that was just what this guy I'm in that sounds great he has his passwords on a post it and that on his computer monitor or something all right so that'll be the South now in the hallway again little peepers asks who would like to do the honors. I'll do it. Oh, yeah, sure. OK. Slight hand check. 11 plus 4, 15. OK.

The door is actually double doors to the study. It pops open, and you can tell that there is a long table, some sort of wheel in the corner, chair, bookshelves. I'll reveal it to you. But as soon as you pick the lock, the door just kind of leans open. Wow.

OK. Wow. OK. Oh, well, that's a that is a excuse me, that is a candle lamp in the top right corner. Uh huh. OK. It's a nice place. Anything like it holds a sword. Yeah, there are candelabras mounted on the wall on either side of that couch and a large landscape painting

Of what looks like some sort of Elven countryside underground of course some sort of like drow mushroomy Vista The the weird windows have a curtain in front of them to the south. The bookshelves could not hold a sword. But what kind of books are there? You head on over and it looks like there's a lot of drow history books. Some family genealogy stuff for the Xalarax family.

A lot of weird personal looking types of journals. Some of them look that way. Good. Let's look journals. Yeah. Flip some of the journals. Are they like sexy journals?

We are now. First thing you notice is a very elaborate drow romantic novel that is extremely raunchy. You set that aside and then there's a bunch. I give it to Spicoli. And put that in the bank bank. 20 sides of gray. You do find one that seems to have notes on different rooms in the mansion. Yeah, seems very. So you don't know how up to date it would be. notes on different rooms in the mansion. Yes. Seems very old.

So you don't know how up to date it would be. Whatever you do, don't turn off the magic on the trap door. You do see, it looks like there are outlines of rooms, notes on the rooms that all in under common. So you might wanna have- Sweet. Siam, take a look at those. Yeah. My pupils will go from slits to wide.

There are five traps that it lists that appear to have been installed magically over a century ago. None of them are in this room. Three of them are in the creepy statue room. One of them is in the study off to the west and one of them is in the wine cellar and it is described as a large trap door. It points to right about where you guys were and it says there is a pressurized trap leading out

into the lake that will bring someone into a pressurized chamber and then crush them with water that will then clean up the body and send it out into the sea. It also says there can be something of value placed at the end of this trap door as a suggestion. Oh. Does it say how to turn off all the traps? Actually, it does.

I would imagine. To turn off the traps in the statue room To turn off the traps in the statue room, it says there are curses involved that are non- they're not known to the Xalarix family. They were purchased specifically to torture people. And so you would need some sort of curse removal magic to take curses off of these statues. Seems like these might be the ones that come to life. And the one in the basement would have required you

to spell out the name Alathor or whoever the, you know, it says specifically the current occupant of the manor who is the Lord needs his name spelled out with fruits and vegetables that start with the letters in their name so that the some number of fruits and vegetables on the plate have the correct first letters that would spell Alathor and that it works in 16 different languages. To figure that out. Wow. Come on, Spicoldi, it was right in front of you. We should have spelled out the letters in fruit.

It's so simple, so obvious in the study to the West. If you play Umberley's lament on the piano, Umberley's two magic swords will revert from their stone form to their original. Hello. If only we knew someone who is proficient with music. Oh, wait. Like Mark Russell?

Yep. Little P persist. He's a bod, look at him. Hey Mr. Holden man. I will let you choose Chris. The opposite of progress. Actually no, I will not let you choose Chris. To see if you know Umberley's Lament,

roll a history check. History, you say? Yes. I was gonna give you another option. That's history shit. History, my bonus is plus one? So I rolled a total of a nine, Dan. You're not sure, except that it's probably some sort of

C vibe one considering Umberley is known as a vile god of the sea. So maybe you're shanty of some kind, but you're like, I don't know. Is there anything in this room that would indicate Umberley type stuff? Maybe with some sheet music, you know, file perhaps? Unfortunately no. All right. Hmm. sheet music, you know, file, perhaps. Unfortunately, no. All right. Hmm. Hmm.

Well, we know how to get it. All we need to know is the song that I do not know yet. Yet, I am. Will you do a perception check, please? Sure. Seven plus eight, 15. You look down just in time to see the book containing all of the trap solutions in your hand is sort of floating away into flakes of ash and disintegrating in your hands. What the fuck?

Yeah. All right. Well. Guys, can I do take the camera? Oh, you did hear sort of like what the traps are, and I would repeat them because your characters would remember, but I recommend writing them down anyway as notes. Doing it, doing it. You also think that there's a chance something.

No, no, no insight check from everybody inside check for everybody. In side check, I got I got a botch plus eight. Lord. Yeah, it's a three plus six. Nine. Nine here too. What'd you get Brian?

It's all up to you. 19. Yeah. Spicoli. Goodness. You think that there is almost certainly Some music books in the room with the piano the study off to the west Spicoli where was that kind of sense what we were obviously being challenged to smell things out with food. I

Don't know, man. Isn't there elephant friend? It's not my birthday. I know your elephant friend is a is a swashbuckling rogue. And he does sort of scurry off to the west and point at the double doors and says, who would like to do the honors? I'll do it. I'll do it. Wait, you want to check for traps and such?

He doesn't care. Nevermind. Yeah, I guess we do know where the traps are. Yeah. Magic traps. Nevermind. You know where the magic traps are. All right, so let's check for traps.

Investigation check, please. I'll give guidance to who's doing this. 16 plus 925. Yeah, there is some sort of spring trap on the walk. The door spring trap. It's another set of double doors, much like the doors to the den. There are small locks on both, and it looks like both of them have mechanism that will set off

if you put something inside the keyhole other than the original intended key and the doors are both locked. Well, la-dee-dah. Yeah, but what if you're like, just hypothetically, what if you're just like a traveling salesman, you're so horny? Oh, well then obviously I would make you

roll a deception check against the doors. Whatever you do, don't put your dick in these holes. That's right. Who wants to, can we deactivate such traps? You could try it, be a sleight of hand check just like most locks with traps on them. Who's sleight of handy? How about a, how about a Joffrey and I each take a side because we both have the crazy sleight of hand sweet things.

Go for it. Let's get a sleight of hand check from Joffrey Spicoli and Brian Spade. Brian, if you could do a sleight of hand check. Sure. Who wants guidance? I'll take it. I'll give it to the Spicoli. I don't need it. 20 plus 10. Ha, 30.

Would you get blame? Holy fuck. I got 22. Oh, Blaine, come on. Blaine, you deftly. Blaine, you deftly and instantly popped a lock and turned to Joffrey to brag. Joffrey somehow went back in time and popped the lock and turn to Joffrey to brag. Joffrey somehow went back in time and popped the lock so he just looked at it and it you heard a click and you're not

entirely sure how Joffrey pulled it off without touching the lock but Joffrey only you know. That's amazing. Wow. My whiskers twitch and I do a take to camera. Does Spicoli find a huge hand-rolled joint inside? Yeah, man. Doors pop. You notice that the piano is sort of right in front of you. And then there is a dining table. There is sort of another couple of chairs in a whole little bookshelf next to them.

Dining table. And certainly the bookshelf off to the west might have music in it. Nice. Oh, well, let's look around, right? Yeah. Let's all search for the gift of music. Yeah. First of all, look deep inside. Who's going to look through the shelf for music books? Well, I will. Whoever.

Would you like the bard like, I know music. Yeah, yeah, I'll do it. All right. Well, if you let him do it, guess what? I'm going to give you a investigation check with advantage, twiddle. Thank you. I mean, also going to give you an investigation check with advantage, Twedden. Thank you. I'm also going to give myself guidance in such a thing. Investigation with advantage.

So first, do that. I bet you do that. OK, with advantage. 18 plus guidance. Do I need such a thing? One for a total of 19. Well, I was looking for an 18. So although the guidance didn't help, you rolled pretty high and

you're going to kind of like go through everything is an undercommon. Clearly, this is a very insular family that doesn't expect to have a lot of non-drought guests. But you do find a book that looks like it has a strange etching of a boat on it, a weird boat that you can only assume is from the Underdark. It's sort of a flat barge with a sail on it that looks like it's designed for special winds.

Cool. Can I sit at the piano and play said song? Sure. And I'll really try and like, because you said, like, as a sea shanty, I'll really try and give it kind of a rollicking. And then then then then then then. The wreck go on the sword. And they're all pretty awesome songs. Siam Spade is going to have to.

Hey, help. Siam is going to have to kind of help you read the under common. There's several songs in here. I read under common. Oh, you do? Oh, I do. Then you then you will not be playing. On accident, the wrong song, for instance,

death upon the sea of violence, you will not accidentally die. Death upon the Sea of Violence. But yeah, you find Umberley's lament. Crack your knuckles. Great. And do a performance. Glad it's not. Glad it's not.

Um, Freeze McGee. You wish you wish your brother George was there? I'm going to give myself bardic inspiration, which allows me to throw a D8 at this. Okay. So performance check. You're great in the bardic monkeys, by the way. Thank you.

16, and I'll throw that bardic inspiration on top. Another one, 17, jeez Louise. You see Twidden start getting to work on the keys, playing this very like sweeping dismal minor chord kind of music and you hear a clang, clang off in the foyer. What sounds like? Was it the trolley? Sounds like a couple of swords being dropped on the floor. There's only two clangs. Oh But wait blame there's a ding ding. Oh

Is that a bell yeah, okay Let's go back out to the foyer Well, you start heading towards the foyer to check on those heartstrings and we'll have to see how that goes on the next episode of. Nice. Nice. Those are fun, man. Dan, do you want to? Yeah, I mean, look, we all know from last episode,

you immediately ran Apple TV and rented your copy of the land that time forgot. Please now head on over to Letterboxd and try and review it with at least one and a half stars. I'm asking for one and a half stars just as a minimum. That's it. In March and April, Rifter's collection and Grommet's collection will finally be out. So all seven episodes of Grommet's, the final issue, episodes, issues, the final issue comes

out soon and then it'll be collected right after that. And then Rifter's, all six issues are out now. You can get them anywhere, but then the collection will be at comic shops, but also places like Barnes & Noble and fucking Amazon. So pre-order and give them away. And I can't wait for grommets to come out. I'm going to get a big stack and take them to like skate parks and stuff and give them to kids that want to read them.

I'm so stoked on grommets still. It's like still one of my favorite things I've gotten to do. It's awesome. And Rift is too. But grommets, you know, it's like my grandpa's in there and this this I was at a comedy club this weekend and one of the wait staff had read the book and she's an artist and she drew. She didn't know. But one of the main characters is a friend of mine that passed away right after high school. And I based this character on him and and like she drew him and it was so dead on it.

It like really touched me. It's a if you haven't picked up grommets yet, it's. Punk and metal kids and but it's it's shit from my from my real past. And it means a lot to me that's it and then uh tour dates brimeprocine.com I've got a Sebastiani theater in Sonoma coming up and Portland the Aladdin theater with baby legs Derek Sheen those are two of my gigs that I'm really looking forward to so let's fill those rooms, please.

If you live in Portland and Sonoma or in the, you know, that area of California, come see me in Sonoma, because I'm going to tell stories I've never told anywhere because that's where I grew up. Bramerseen.com. Blaine. We attribute the success saved mankind from death. Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well-

On the next Nerdpoker, the Nerdpoker gang goes to CVS to buy toothpaste in Advil and are waiting for an employee to open the case. Have you seen anyone? Is there somebody back there? I thought I saw... I don't know, I've been here for a while. Press the button again, I guess. I don't know if anybody's here. All right, well, all this and Brian gets his balls cut in the cuff of the blood pressure

machine. What an all new Nerdpoker! Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerdpoker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 and Sino California 91416. Thanks for listening.