Nerd Poker - The Fog Campaign - Episode 9

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

Now that the two magic swords are secure, it's time to bust out of this old drow's mansion with the spoils. Bust out through- well let's see- the back door guarded by cursed statues, the windows protected by death wards, the basement we flooded with the entire ocean- or hey what could POSSIBLY be the downside of just marching back out the front door? For 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker . For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com.

Our friends at Hero Forge are making custom dice. Contribute to the Kickstarter now through April 4th for your chance to get rewards like... Early access to Dice Maker, a standard or XL D20, a regular mini, statuette or prototype, Ultra HD mini. Or even design your own decal, handheld item or outfit to be added to Hero Forge. Check the link in our bio and our social media. The Hero Forge custom dice Kickstarter ends when, Blaine? April 4th! So what?

So should they hurry? Yeah, hurry! Oh God, hurry! ["Hurry!" by The Vigilante Gang plays in background.] Hey, it's Brian Postain, nerd poker, we're calling it The Thug Campaign. My friends are here, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course our kickass DM Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, it's Brian Pustane. It's my show, Nerd Poker.

That's what you're listening to. My pals are here We're calling it the fog campaign and it's episode 9 Nine and a half if you're nasty Chris is here. Well, I'll tell you that for me. It's nine and a half Weeks yeah, look out. Ken's here. Ready to get my bird noker on. Bird noker.

Please don't let that catch on. Blayden's here. Hey, how you doing? It's me, nine and three quarters. Ah. Ah. And by nine I mean, German for no and three quarters. Dan, welcome to the weirdness. Oh, stepping right in there.

Nice and soft. Oh God. This is gonna be one of those. And keeping us all together hopefully at the end of the table. Sam. Hello sweet children. Hey buddy. Now that's how you say hi you know what Sam always lands a plane guys yeah yeah oh my god flying am

I right thanks to people for the flying jokes. They're flipping over that they're about to hear. Did you do, excuse me? You look at it. Thanks to people for the flash. Should we start over? Should we start over? No, no, just wasn't paying attention. It's okay.

Folks, some of you are very special because you support us at our top two tiers on Patreon. If you're not supporting us, consider going to patreon.com slash nerdpoker and hopping on over there to throw a couple of bucks our way and keep this podcast alive. If you go to those top two tiers, you might have usernames like Matthew Spears. Thank you, Matthew. Thanks Matthew. Thank you.

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Supporters brought to us by spiders drinking from the corner of your eyes while you're asleep. Spiders, makers of earful of Eggs. And Dumb Hat. For the makers of those stupid fucking pants. Dumb Hat. Dan, thanks Blaine. I believe I can now talk about what happened last time on Nerd Poker. We were against our will remote,

but the team blew up at basement. You guys went into the back entryway behind Althor Zalarax's mansion through his graveyard and went and you actually got through past a gargoyle dealt with some kobolds who were in there ahead of you trying to break into the basement for treasure, and you saw a treasure chest. But your solution to a trap was to dispel magic off of it, and it was magically sealing off high pressure amounts of the sea. So the sea exploded into the room that you were in, and you managed to make it out just in time. But that whole room is basically no more underwater, undersea as it were. And last you saw the cemetery was overflowing with seawater

and spilling out into the street. You and Lil Peepers decided though, that because there was a bit of anarchy going on and you saw the little gnome automatons, autonomes, running into the graveyard and basically getting soaked. You may as well go where they were, guarding the front door, and go right in the front door to see what you could gather. In the chaos, and of course, Alator Xalrax took his carriage at least a mile or so away, you were able to loot some very important papers that helped you disarm some traps.

some very important papers that helped you disarm some traps. And there were two very tall 15 foot stone statues in the sort of foyer of the mansion. And by playing Umberley's lament on the piano, Twidden was able to have the two swords that those statues were holding turn into their true form as metal swords and they clanged onto the ground when last we spoke. We now take you to that moment in nerd poker history. A question we uh...

Answer. We uh... Leveled up, right? At some point I think you did. Yeah, we're nine now. I think this paper's wrong. What do you guys think? We? Yeah, I'll have to check.

It's usually whatever. Yeah, we leveled the. Yeah, I believe eight. Oh, we're eight. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, we're eight. Never mind. Maybe you wanted to level up and you were hoping that I would forget, but.

On level seven, that sneaky stuff is only going to work on me once. Every year. I'm venomous from comic books. Oh, all right. Trick me. These characters are already super. Yeah, you guys are level eight and they are cool. You guys are quite a little band of thieves.

You now know that on the ground is, of course, the Needle of Umberley, a magical rapier that has been enchanted by some sort of evil sect of Umberley, the evil sea goddess. The other one you know is of Umberley, but you're not sure. And now that it's clanging on the ground, you can all gather around in the foyer to get a better look at it.

And it is a great sword, as was previously noted. And you see Little Peepers' eyes get really wide and he's going, well, I can't use that one. What? I'm very small. Oh, you wanted to use it? It's a great sword. Oh, but you would like it. Yes. No, you're saying you want to do you I think it's a great sort of but you would like it yes no you're saying you want to use the the needle no no no I just thought since there was a second sword and you know I am what I would call a bit of a navigator for the group who has led you here in the first place that perhaps you

would think oh the second sword perhaps little peepers would like it no no no it is so big that I would probably flop right over if I were to hold it in my hand. Maybe, maybe get flung across the very room. So I am not going to wield it. But if one of you would like a great sword, I believe this is the scissor of Umberley. Oh, well, should we throw it in a bag for now and try and I mean, it's pretty big. You might want to strap it to a back. It'll be pretty clear that you're carrying a great sword around. It's hard to hide if you catch my drift. Let's see. Who's the biggest of us? Who's got the best strength?

Well, you all ponder that. Can you all roll a perception check, please? Certainly. Yeah. Six plus eight. 14. Nice. 14. 15 plus eight, 14. Nice. 14. Uh, 15 plus eight, 23. Oh my goodness. 16 plus three, 19.

Yes. Um, I was looking for a 20 as this only happens for a brief moment, but Twidden while everyone's gathering around, uh, you kind of look out the corner of your eye at the front doors and you see just for a moment the front door open a crack and you see a very elderly drow with a long thin nose peer inside see all of you and whisper to himself oh shit oh shit and shut the door guys who's got physically who's the biggest of all of us they should carry the sword and then we shouldn't go I am not strong. My strength is 12. Mine is nine.

16. Nine. 13. Oh, that's you buddy. Spicoli, this is your moment. All right. All right. I'll take that moment.

All right. At the very least it should be with quite a lot of coin. I like coin. Oh, I think you should. And then what's your strength? How about you? 13. 13? Yeah. And what are you buddy? Nine. Alright, so do you want to carry the rapier? Yeah, probably now. And remember, if you do not want either of these, I assume the great sword is the one that you will want less for it is more of a barbarian or warrior for fight or weapon. We can probably fence it. We just want to be careful as this is probably a well-known artifact in town. At least they know where it will have come from as the Needle of Umberley, which is a little more infamous, is well known to be in this

mansion. So we should take it to the Thieves Guild. They'll either, you know, pay us right there or tell us where we could fence it outside of the guild. Yeah, maybe we can fence it to them and then they can worry about it. Fencing a rave, it sounds unorthodox. You all hear a boom noise in the room. Sorry. And then filling the room, a voice seemingly out of nowhere of an old man who says, you are making my home, Selene, you are making it done safe. You will leave right now through the front door

with your hands in the air where you shall then allow yourselves to be arrested. Or else, well, you may have sent my autodomes floating down the hill, but I have friends. That's right, no one in town thinks I have friends and they're out here protecting me, so, ha ha. Well, good news because your friends are right here and here we come.

And I'll put my hands up to gesture everybody. Here we come, friendly as can be, no trouble here. Who is this? Why are we? It's a disembodied voice that it's probably magic. It's the Duke's house. Yeah. Can I can I can I move my ears around on my head and figure out where the sound is coming from? It's definitely magic.

It's sort of being projected into the room. But if you would like to listen very closely, just in general, you can you can roll a perception check. Sam didn't sound very great. Six plus eight is 14. Now, you do notice one more thing. It's not too quiet, but you do kind of have to take a moment to listen to pick it up. There is some sort of mechanical noise right outside the door that sounds kind of like

tap dancing maybe hmm sounds like big gears and pistons which which door the front doors the front you came from is there any other way to get out of here yeah that's what I'm wondering everyone do an in its side check. Maybe I will. Nine plus eight, 16. Yeah, now. Six plus six, 12. Nice, also 12. I can't get my- What about Peepers?

I bet you Peepers just gotta- That's right. Oh, that's Peepers' role. Cause he's been scouting around in here, hasn't he already? He has been scouting outside the windows, but you may actually remember he warned all of you that it was incredibly difficult to break into

because there were magic words on all of the windows. So I- So it's door- He rolled low. I get the feeling that there's some sort of thing waiting outside the door to kill us when we open the door. Yeah.

It's a vibe that you might pick up. Also, you kind of look around this foyer, there are some stairs leading up to the second floor, there's this study that you were just in, and you would remember there are some cursed statues that are basically meant to come to life and attack you near where you think the back door might be. Is there a window where we can see down at whoever's in front of our front door? meant to come to life and attack you near where you think the back door might be. So- Is there a window where we can see down at whoever's in front of our front door? No, there's some big, tall windows far from the door

that you could try to peek through, or there's a keyhole on both of the two front doors that you could try to peek through though. Let's peek through the keyhole. Whoever would like to peek through the keyhole, there's two of them. Two of you can roll a perception check. And this will be with disadvantage as you are peeping through a peephole. Deep in through a peephole. I can give you guys guidance.

But I did not peep the deputy. Checking out D4. Add a D4 to that if you so choose. If you'd like Brian. 21. Oh, D4. D4. you so choose. If you like. Brian 21. Oh, D4. Yes. D4, yeah. Is. I rolled a 17 and then.

Oh, 19. Well, did you also roll? Who else rolled? No, that's not good. Even with the bonus. Do you have the black circle in your eyes like Alfafa? I have a splinter in my eye like from Zombie. Hey, here's my question. Does this sound like a dumb idea that we get out of the way and open the doors, fling the doors open wide and let whatever is going to attack us?

Would you like me to respond to the rolls first? Sure. What did you roll, Ken? A four. So you didn't roll basically. Brian, you got a 19. There's something large and mechanical right outside the door. All right. Oh, maybe that's what he means when he says to be arrested.

Maybe what he means is there's a, he's got a little Robocop. A resto-tron out front. Yeah. Oh, shitty. You hear the booming voice. You have 60 seconds. Let's escape out the back.

Yeah. Fuck. And two or nine. Let's get out. Let's find a way out. OK. So you start heading towards the back. So, yeah, when you say the back door is close to where the statue is, bear in that out. But doesn't that seem like the best way to go? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck. Fuck these guys. Should we go to where we think the back door is because we know how to not active now because we know that that's a trap is it safe to say we need to know how to not activate the statues to come to life you do you need a remove curse spell oh or else these statues will come to life and attack you now well fuck it we don't have those. Yeah. That was the day that statues came to life. Remove curse. Remove curse. That's like Sam.

You hear a loud something is punching the door in. Oh, all right. Not the back door. Glinters. Should we go upstairs and see if there's like a window or something? Back door? The front door right next to you. Oh, yeah.

We're at the front door. Let's run. And that way, maybe the statues might take a little. OK, up or down. I say up. Let's run up those stairs. Run, run, run. As you turn to run, the doors explode inward. Can everyone please roll for initiative?

Yeah, let's fuck these guys up. I think there's naughty words, but you know what? Well, that's what people that listen to the show are used to. 18 plus two, 20. A young man in the room, but. Yeah, we're gonna fudge these off. I guess. This holds up.

Sorry, it's harder to remember numbers when there's a 20. 18 plus two. Child staring at the side of your head. There's not a child. I was closer. A teen. Young man. A's not a child. A teen. A cool adult tween. It's my son, Andy Partridge.

Initiative? Yeah, what'd you get, Brian? I got a nine. Nine for Blaine? Nine and three quarters. I got a 15, but I also have gift of alacrity. I'm looking at my sheet and it doesn't say I know it affects my initiative so keep going with the 15 but it might be better Dan okay get off my back all right what'd you get hmm sorry you got a

mouthful of coffee yeah you got a mouthful of coffee well that's well okay 12. OK, so delicious, delicious coffee. Joffrey, you better up your nose. Me staying awake for this show is brought to you by coffee bean and tea leaf. You should get your own brand of coffee, some like metal. They've a lot of people make metal. There's room for one more. Coffee beans, but I don't know. You know, last time I was a coffee bean, a tea leaf.

Russell Crowe was there and he knocked the phone out of my hand and worked me over in the parking lot with a chain because I was taking pictures. I so so fuck him. That never happened. What? OK, so who was she we will call this Valentine's Day mat on the dining table the foyer we will say if you are running yeah this theme this table is always themed sorry yes yeah nice so that this

will be the top of the stairwell that leads to the second floor and this will be the front door Where I'm putting the candle? There are doors this way here. Actually, I'll pull it right up There's a door that way that way in the middle of the room and Then there are the two stairwells going up. Okay And just pulling up little peepers who rolled low. Little peepers. Oh.

Poor old little peepers. Are there two look wells going up past the stairwells? Look well is, if you've never seen look well and you're listening right now, go Google it. It's a pilot that Conan and Robert Smeigel made starring Adam West. And it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. That's great.

It's definitely something willed into existence. Yeah. It's like, yeah, this is a thing and I make it. Luckily little people has a plus nine to initiative because he rolled a three. Brian, what's your decks? Don't worry about it. Brian you're fired. Oh a 19. Nice feisty. Lil Peepers's decks is 22 so he will go first. I still can't believe I thought that woman was Russell Crowe. This is Dexterity 22. She's a nice. He's an NPC.

I get to cheat when you said it's fucking high as fuck for me to have a shit in the parking lot. It was a woman brag about it like Blaine. I have a Dexterity of 19. Hey guys, guess how high my next Dexterity is. Did you get a visual joke for you? Oh, I'm sorry. Look, a gift of leprity.

Was it a physical bit? Physical bit. Album. Album. I get to add a D8. Oh, definitely do that. To my district. So currently it's 15 plus 621.

Oh, nice. I hold hands with Lil Peepers. Take that D&D. Tell your kid to quit smoking cigarettes. I hold hands with Lil Peepers. Take that D&D. Tell your kid to quit smoking cigarettes. Well, you'll be first with that, Toyden. Oh. Lil Peepers just had a higher Dex than Brian, so I'm so sorry.

He's higher than Brian, because they've got the same role, not because he's super high in that order. Not a lot of people higher than Brian, I gotta be honest. All right, so describe the scene to me. Do I see? Oh, here it comes. What is this thing?

You hear a booming voice announced to all of you. Behold, the great gnome inventor, glory finger nimble-dumbin' enraged the automaton Titan and you see these guys I have to use a little froggy where's my get him out in a second see this guy ASMR cardboard a gnome in a little scoop oh what the f and this guy who's this terrifyingly tall robot steam thing. That looks like the wild robot. Uh, so I don't know if you knew, but I would like your minis.

So if you could put them. I don't have mine. This is all I got for tonight. My dog. That that's my Dally. Tell Ken, So can you use one of the squirrel dice? Yeah, sure. I have bled, but I'll use him as a shrine for side. The before. Yeah. Yeah.

You're always this little this is grung will stand in for a little peepers. So this is Bode. This is super old. Yeah, but. Oh, OK. I either have Bodhi or Mordecai. I got to make that. I don't.

That's not I made a Jaffrey's book. I think I think. I don't know if I've seen it. Oh, I think it's in the other end. Wait, who's this? I don't know. It's a good figure. Little frog on the banjo on his back. I didn't give him to you. That's from? I don't know. It's a good figure. Little frog on the banjo in his bag and give him to you. That's from the

of Beasts and Blood campaign. He was the little froggy guy who was like, I know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What's on the hero for sure is here. Great stuff. That's really cool. It's incredible. Yeah. Incredible figure. But but they are current sponsor. That's incredible. Yeah. Incredible figure. Ba-ba-da-da.

They are current sponsor, He-O-Forge? Yes. Yeah. If you want to order, you better hurry. Hoo hoo hoo hoo. Yeah, for sure. Sorry, Forge. In the turn order is Twedden.

Okay, so they're clearly attacking. It's described to me again. So it's the old man wizard sitting in like a, bite key, like an Ed 209 suit. That is not the old wizard. That is a little gnome. The old man who owns this place is a drow and this is a gnome. Okay, so we did see a drow peek in for a second. The drow that peeked in was almost certainly Alathor, the man who lives here alone. Is that the, and that's the voice we've been talking. That's who's been projecting his voice in here. So these are just his, his friends. Okay. And which door did he poke out of?

The front door, like there were two double doors here that these guys just smashed in. The one right above Goldie Hawn. All right well... Seems as though we're gonna have to fight them. Is that the oldest reference I've ever made on this show? Yeah, get some Alan Seuss in there, could ya? I'm going to cast... Not that Goldie Hawn's that old, but that's... Sounds like... ...oldest reference.

Hypnotic pattern, I think, is probably what I'm gonna have to do here. Alright. Uh, let me bring this up. Hypnotic pattern I think is probably what I'm gonna have to do here. All right Let me bring this up Range 120 feet. It's a 30 foot cube I create a twisting pattern of colors that weave through the air in a 30 foot cube within range. That's amazing So this is all through like whatever the guitar playing so it's some kind of crazy psychedelic more Like almost maybe like the vibration of strings starts like coming out I don't know warping around them or something each of them have to make a DC 16 wisdom save

Okay, and what kind of damage is this gonna be? It is not damage. It will charm them. Aha, okay. One of them is immune to charm. It's not going to roll. That's dumb. All right. I know. Gary Gygax screws us one more time.

Always. The other one... rolls a 19. Well, they both say, okay, so that's a I don't think there was anything if they say there's nothing else. Guys, trouble! And I'll start running up the stairs. Okay. Do you want to move your guy kind of, or you already kind of by the stairs? Yeah. You're pretty close. Can I run and start going, falling back up the stairs? Sure. Yeah.

It's like that. Okay. Up next is Shalob. I will look at this dude on this big one. This is a big, uh, automaton Titan guy. Yeah. And I will say, flee. Ooh, casting command.

All right. The wisdom saving throw. Is there a charm spell? De-enchantment. Ooh. Yeah. What's up? You thwarted me this time. Ha ha!

So he's gonna roll wisdom save, as was demanded. And that is gonna be a... Dan got real quiet he did thumbs up 19 plus zero guys mine stuff doesn't work on them maybe just murder you just got a Yes, he is going to up to little peepers. Not little peepers. Look out little peepers. I mean, I hope you peep them. Little peepers, look out. They're fast asleep.

My little peepers. Little creeper never buttered anyone. Just creeping on ladies' idea of having fun. Little creeper. Wait, he turned his head. He started off as a parody about something else and then it became, yeah. It extends its spear and twirls it and it smacks towards Will Peepers twice. Oh, it's going to be a nine hit, which is a miss. Good. And a 25.

Oh, boy. As people's ever thought about renaming myself, Little Creeper. Little Creeper is kind of fun. Every time I sing a gold finger, wah wah wah. He's the man, the man with the mightest touch. He's too much. Ba da ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Hoo!

Are you seeing the blade of the spear cut across little peepers who is going to take 20 points of slashing damage? Ooh! Ouch. Ooh, watch. You're winning. You should dodge that shit. Totally should. And 10 points of Izzying damage. Well, yeah, that's the thing.

It should, I should have something, features and traits. Are they both gnomes? Is the gnome also pilot? The giant? Is that giant thing also a gnome? It appears to be a machine. Just a machine. It appears to be. Dan keeps emphasizing appears to be. Oh, low P first has uncanny dodge. Does he? Yeah. He's been used his reaction to have the damage. Nice. Low APR driving off the lot. Uncanny dodge. See those old Rams chargers. And Durango is an uncanny dodge. Okay, so that's gonna do it for the automaton's turn toid and you're up. Okay. Oh, no, no, wait, Barb? Sorry. You're 21 and then a 15. So I put you Okay, so that's gonna do it for the automatons turn twid in Europe Okay. Oh, no. No, wait barb. Sorry, you're 21 and then a 15. I put you in twice. Okay. Sorry Just now my bad is now time for glory finger nimble nibble nubbin nimble nubbin

You like that one Yeah, I made a noise like, oh dear. All right. So everything we did. He knows what it's up. Okay. So she is gonna move in towards Spicoli. Oh dude.

Spicoli. It's gonna bring down one of these like fist legs, try to like stomp on you. Fist legs. Mm-hmm. Spicoli, look out! It is a, it's a, it's a, it's a,

it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, you know, fistbikes. Spicoli, look out.

It is a 10 plus nine hit 19. Yeah. What of it? Oh, I mean, I don't mean to be rude, but this is going to hurt. Oh, that's not bad at all. 18 points of budgeting damage. Can he un-canny dodge that? If Spicoli has un-canny dodge, yeah, I sure do. Yeah, yeah, I do. So what does that do? It halves your damage. I think you might be able to do it only once per long rest though, right? Or is it, how does that work? Once per turn?

Once uh. I feel like it's a thieves. I think you can just do it. Free rules and then it says. Page 131, yeah. 131, when an attacker, you can see, hits you with an attack, you can take a reaction. Oh, so you use your reaction.

Have the attacker damage against you, round down. So please take that from a 18 to a nine, Brian. Sweet. That's a lot of damage for you to have. It is now going to try to kick you. Spicoli. I'll take that one. And we've got an eraser.

This one's Sam. Can you put that in twice? Yeah. 28 to hit 19 plus nine. Can you do a strength saving throw, please? Brian. Yeah. Do your, do your math and then I'll have you do a strength saving throw please, Brian? Yeah, do your math and then I'll have you do a strength saving throw. I got this too. Yeah, I think that's Bodhi from the YouTube two-part review.

He is. 16. Oh, nice. So you managed to dig your heels in and not get launched across the room as it kicks you. Good. Brian, smart. Good job. But it does crush your testicles.

Actually, it only does six more points of bludgeoning damage. OK, crush testicles. Sprinkle them on. You only have one reaction. So you don't get to have this one. I feel like that's on like every dessert in Italy. Crush testicles. Crush testicles. Lil Peepers is now up.

Yeah, come on. Show them why they call you Lil Peepers. Peepers that watch Okay, he Ali I'm like an old dog you never know if a part's gonna pop out I'm being serious If you see over there if you know what's good for you if you see Dan's hair get curly all of a sudden Mm-hmm. that's your cue. I've got one brewing and like each time you come over, it's like I feel my

whole body pucker up. I can already sense it. Hey, you're age. That's pretty great, Brian. OK, we're not paying you to talk, kid. We're paying you to detail the van upfront. Show me. Ooh. Okay.

What's happening? Uh, low keepers is stabbing. Go good. Uh, 29 to hit. Oh, and he's, he's, uh's gonna do plus crit that is 18 points of damage as you see the shorts were kind of like going to the gears and you hear some clanging noise it seems like maybe not the best kind of damage. But then he goes to stab it again stabbing a giant machine is not going to go great but that's what he has for weapons. is not gonna go great but that's what he has for weapons. Sorry, I have some ADHD stuff over here. What happens? And you said there's a gnome in that one? This is the automaton that he's trying to stab because it's right in his face. 24 to hit, 8.

You suspect these damages might be getting halved as he is stabbing at this thing. It doesn't seem completely immune but amongst the crunching noises you hear noises that sound like his sword might be getting warped if he does that the wrong way. So you see him stab it a couple of times. He runs around the back and then attempt and fake. Dude. Ollie is just everywhere. I really wouldn't come up eight plus. Oh, he has a plus 12 to stealth.

So you see him go just like into the shadows and disappear. Nice. And then that will take us next to Joffrey Spichelli. Hey, I know that dude. Snort. By the way, you should have been in the end at Cobra Kai. Did you see season six? I was in no part of Cobra Kai. You should have been in the end of Cobra Kai. Did you see season six? I was a no part of Cobra Kai.

You should have been in season six. I know they would. They showed that the jocks watching it on TV was somewhere they're showing the. What is it called? Sakai, the final, the final match. But yeah, but it was done in the valley again. Oh, right.

Did they use anybody from from your team? Now? Yeah, exactly. I think the heavier weather, I think the heavier kids showed up on. I know he's real cheering on. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, if you've been a better friend that day, it's more, but they're

cheering on Johnny, so they, you know, it's not like, yeah, yeah. Cause it becomes a more of a Cobra Kai thing at the end of it. I mean, Daniel got his ass beaten. I was done with him. Yeah. You're such a fair weather friend to make in a shamrock shake movie called thick mint. Uh, Joffrey, what'd you have to, um, I'm going to, um, fireball the dude that's

closest to me, the little gnome guy. Yeah. Go for it. This guy. Yeah. Yeah. So I got it. Thank you to listener Preston Snow for these two custom mini atroids.

Thanks Preston. Uh, they're really cool. They're cool. Probably at 12 is not going to hit, huh? That's pretty well. I don't think it is. That isn't yet. Sorry.

What can I do? Got that broadsword on your back. Yeah, but I think I just burned my action. Yeah. I mean, do you have multiple attacks per action? I have bonus actions, cutting action on your tramp. Well, no, you can take one of the points. You could hide on your bonus action.

Oh, there you go. You can move and hide. Yeah. That's almost exactly what little peepers did. He tried to attack and then he ran and hit by the front door. Although you're in melee. So you might need to disengage and run rather because you can take the hit. Opportunity attack.

Yeah. You can disengage or hide. Not both. That's interesting. Which technically means Little Peeper's probably still right there. But he has disappeared from view. Sorry everybody, I'm just... I don't know! Rogues are fun, but every time you pick, every time you pick a new class, it's

different as a politician to the listeners. You can just go to hell. Ken, are you good at like sorcerers? I find those rules sometimes to be very difficult for me. Yeah. I've only done it once before. Like metamagic. At this stage, you get your full movement.

Where are you going to head there? Remember there's a stairwell here and here. Over here. Okay. So sort of like near the stairs. Yeah. Cool. And Artie Farty is about to throw a party. Siam Spade, it's your turn.

Sandals and socks. I'm going to move backwards. We're following Spicoli, and I'm going to hit this guy with fire bolts. Go for it. 14 plus 519. That is a miss. It is?

Yes. Oh my goodness. Good thing I'm running for my life. Meow. See, I'm just trying to stay out of range of this guy. Okay. Okay. Is that your turn range of this guy. Okay. Okay. Is that your turn?

I think so. Yeah. Cause that dash would be my bonus action. Let's get an insight check from everybody as we go back to the top of the eternal. Oh, bad. Dirty 20. Oh, you're trying to help me do this? Two plus six, eight.

I hate that. Oh, that never. Looking for a 20. Sorry. I got a 20. How many do we have to do this? Two plus six, eight. I hate grass. Oh, the different. Looking for a 20. Sorry. I got a 20. A 10. 21.

Boom. You guys are kind of like sizing up the battlefield here and note there are two giant stone statues right behind either of these guys. kind of looming over them. Oh they just sort of showed up? That's what the swords dropped out of last episode. Okay. But they're like scenery that you could potentially take advantage of. Cool. But they haven't come to life and they're not moving. You don't think they're going to? I think they're going to. I have hope. to I have hope you could climb up like yeah it could be knocked on them or maybe knock them over

yeah yeah I think they're gonna come to life guys I'm not gonna get one Twitton from his position back there starts strumming sort of like a dead back and forth and these casts ray of frost at, uh, the machine. Ooh, okay. Is that a saver or a spell attack? No, it's a spell attack. So I get the D20 plus eight. So I wouldn't be surprised if you had to do a 15.

So maybe 15 is a miss. Shit fuck. Cries. Actually, no, I'm sorry. Nope. Nope. It's a hit. It's a hit.

Oh, it is great. Yes. Okay. So you need a 14 to hit the automaton and a 20 to hit the gnome. Did you hear what I said? So for damage And for 10 10 cold damage, okay and Because it's ray of frost, on a hit it takes the cold damage and its speed is reduced by 10 feet

until the start of my next turn. So it's frozen clunky, I guess, on the joints. Yeah, it's got frost up in there. Frosty clunky. Quentin Tarantino hates it when something is reduced by 10 feet. How long does that frost effect last, Chris? Through the... until my turn.

All right, Shlobe, you're up. I'm gonna cast Agonizer Scorcher. Oh, straight through this guy into that guy. Ooh. How do you do it from that angle? Where's Shalhoub? Right here. Oh, you're the die. That's why I didn't think that was real.

Okay, cool. I saw the Discanizer and Scorcher for surgical steel and Phoenix air. Brian, Brian. Your bit's on fire. That's a deck save. Agonizers, Scorcher, deck a deck safe. Agonizers, scorcher, deck safe. Okay.

Agonizers. Oh no. Doop. Sorry. So, oh, it's going to hit one of them. That's good. No. Brian, when you push like that, I don't think it's... Why? It seems like a strain.

It's crowning. Keep pushing 13 and a nine. Are those both misses? Well, I might have that. They had to land the plane. Oh, drop. Listeners, I hope you're getting your scorecards out because this is a big. I'm looking these guys. Oh, no. I'm shooting a roaring a line of roaring flame 30 feet long and five foot wide.

They both missed their save. Oh, you get both of them. Yeah. Yeah. Excellent. How and the damage is any D5, D8. We've got these these these dice. These two. The mother generous jokes that are offered to more. It's not a two days. Mother, very generous jokes that are offered to more. It's not a two more.

Yeah, I was going to say blame the master of dice. You know, sorry. Oh, I'm not here. What's your mind get at you for these 1118? Are you funny? Yes. 25 points of fire damage, snorting gas. Oh, my goodness.

Both get racked. Nice. Thank you, Ken. Good job. Thank you. Hey, this. Oh, that's so they both take it out. They get smashed by flame after your turn. Kim really traded well. You're thinking about it.

Can I ask a question about the, they help us figure out the machine man a little bit in all of these attacks. Have we ever heard any kind of organic yelping? You know what I mean? When somebody's controlling, you're saying like it appears to be a machine. Have we heard anything to the contrary? Perception check. All right.

I'm looking for a 20. 13 plus 8, 21. Oh, but you needed a 20. There you go. I'm too high. I'm over it. Oh wow. Oh, I got exactly the way

Yeah, 14 plus 6 that's 20 Wow You do not hear anything organic From the automaton and will you roll? Any die Ken odds or evens? All right Okay It's a big one. Do I pick odds or evens. All right. It's a big one. Do I pick odds or evens?

No, it's gonna decide which part of the gnome got hit with the flames, the gnome or the machine. Got it. Oh, so there is a guy controlling it. Yeah, he's in a little bucket in the front. Odds, my buckets. You're not sure if the flame hit the nomer now, but you did not hear any organic noises, squeals or cries from either of the enemies.

Got it. Maybe the drow took their tongues. Some sort of show of the beaches. So cruel. The automaton is now taking its turn. It goes, towards the slope. It's slowed, right? It's very frozen. Luckily it had to move 10 feet. It has 25 feet of movement. So it used of its, you know, 12 and a half feet, all of 10. And it's going to take its left fist

and try to bring it down on you. And as it raises its fist, you see arcs of electricity go through it. Oh, this is gonna be Jamie Fox plus seven to hit. 15 plus 722 is that a hit? There's going to be uh Sam is that a problem? 20 points of bludgeoning damage and then some lightning damage. As you see the electricity start to rock shalob. Don't like it. Here I am. Rock you like Shalobocaine Seventeen more points of lightning damage.

So she's 37 total. What was that? What was the first number I said to? I'm pretty sure. Can you write to two and four? I thought you said 20. Yeah, that sounds right. Twenty plus 17, 37 total points of damage.

What disease takes a giant metal fist and brings it down. Or an asshole. Hmm. Are you still standing? Hell yeah. Good. I mean you're a little late. But still, that's not nice.

It's not great. It's not considerate. No. Is that considerate? Can I react to that? Is that polite? If you have a reaction, yes, you can react to that. I do.

I have Hellish Rebuke. Do it! Might be a good time for Hellish Rebuke. How is it? Fe, I have Hellish Rebuke. Do it! Might be a good time for Hellish Rebuke. How is it? Feature's great. Hellish Rebuke, okay. Yes, I will use it. I don't even make it through the joke anymore.

All right. Take a response to it being damaged by a creature within 60 feet of you that you can see. 15 deck saving through. Okay, so he has a plus zero to his decks because he's chonky. Oh that's cute. Oh he's chonky. Oh chonky. Four. Yeah that's not. So you light him up with flame when he punches you? Hellish flame. Yes, he's surrounded with hellish flames momentarily. 2d10 fire damage. 2d10! Nice. That's a reaction. Jeez Louise. That's 27? No, 2 and 7. 9 points of flame. 1000 points of damage? 72 points of damage.

Flame goes into the automaton, shaking it as it punches you. And we will start next turn with the gnome, glory finger nimble nubbin, on our next episode of Nerd Poker. Sweet. So anything you want to play? You know

Last episode I asked everybody if you could just watch my movie, which of course you did but then go and rate it On letterboxed then maybe we could get that average review score up I asked you please a minimum of 1.5 stars and I'm just checking to see what we got it up to a letterbox What the average is. Come on, 1.5. You guys. 2.3. Hold on.

All right, guys, we have a long way to go. We got to bring that down. Still, the most reviews are one. You can see here on the letterbox scale, the highest on the bar graph is all the way to the left. Wait, is that, that is half a star. That is, I get the most votes for half a star. Not even an entire star, but coming in at the second highest score is a five.

So people are, you know, trying. Okay. Thanks listeners. They keep showing up at letterbox to everybody. The land that time forgot 2025. BrianBassane.com for me, tour dates. March 7th and 8th, I'm, two of my gigs that I've been looking forward to the most. The 7th I'm in Portland at the Aladdin Theater,

Portland, Oregon. The Aladdin Theater with Derek Sheen, baby legs, Derek Sheen. It's gonna be a fun one. And then the following night I'm in Sonoma at the Sebastiani Theater. I mentioned it before this like. I'm so looking forward to it. Like it's where I saw Jaws and it's where I saw a bunch of Clint Eastwood movies and shit in the 70s. You carved your I actually wrote George Washington slept here. What you should in the 70s. No, I watched a bunch of shit there in the in the 70s and the 80s.

And Brian, you never shit in the 70s. No, I watched a bunch of shit there in the in the 70s and the 80s. And Brian, you never shit in the 70s. Not once. You know, once you turn 70, you can go there and shit. If you shut the fuck up. I can do this. When you turn 70, you can shit anywhere you please. Yes, it's true. We were shit.

I'm 50. I'm 50. I'm 58. And it's just, it's wherever it happens. It's like, yeah, it is what it is. Look out Galleria. Yeah. No kidding. So it goes. But then. It sounds like pootie wheat.

Rifters and grommets are super close to having their trade paperbacks out. So when I have two solid dates, I'll give them to you. But brambasane.com has all that kind of shit. And follow me on social media. And buy merch from Nerd Poker. Blaine. We attribute the success of mankind.

For joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof. Well. On our next show, Merv welcomes guests, Paul Newman, Paul Williams, comedian Pat Paulson,

Paul Apprentice, Polly Flo Holiday, all this and Brian sits on his Paul's wrong on an all new Merv Poker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 and Sino California 91416. Thanks for listening!