Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 27

Episode Date: August 20, 2024

Well it's time to tidy up that slightly messy situation we're in. Pishposh just have to free the impossibly trapped Topaz dragon (that Pishposh trapped) and the rest of the crew just has to smash the eggs that they probably need Pishposh's staff to smash. Hopefully nobody mean shows up to interrupt anyone! For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker.  

Nerd Poker is sponsored by Iron Guard Supplies. You get 20% off card, comic, and gaming supplies by using the code NERD20. That's N-E-R-D-2-O at ironguardsupplies.com. Thanks Iron Guard! Hey, it's Brian Poseyne, Nerd Poker. We're calling it the Mountain Campaign. My friends are here, Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course our kick-ass DM Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, it's Brian Pasaan. You're listening to Nerd Poker.

We're all here. It's episode 27. Hey Chris. Hi Brian, how are you? So, the Mountain campaign by the way. Oh, okay. Did you know? I heard about the mountain campaign and I'm excited to see what happens next.

27 episodes of us almost dying. Sarah's here. I'm here. I did die. A couple of times. And then was resurrected and then left. That's set free. And then yes.

That's Dan. Hi. It's me. I tried to kill you for 26 episodes. Yeah, the first one was more exposition meeting everybody and then you started killing us. Fair, fair, fair. Yeah, yeah, fair. Most of the last 20. Ken is here. Hello, Brian.

Hopefully, Dan succeeds in his mission to kill us. So you want to die? Yeah, I'm done. I can see why. Checking out. You're sort of trapped in a mountain hundreds of miles away from everyone else. Yeah. Oh, that's a good one. Mission to kill us. So you want to die? Yeah, I'm done. I can see why. Check it out. You're sort of trapped in a mountain hundreds of miles away from everyone else. Yeah. Oh, that's right.

Blaine's here. I thought we were doing the fountain campaign. Mm hmm. I was going to make a wish. I'll be there for you. The fountain campaign. Yeah. Also, there's also the counting campaign. Uh huh. What'd that be like?

A one, a two. Sam's here. Hi, sweet children. Hey, buddy. Hi. We got a Sam giggle before you said hello. We should have Dan thank some people. I'm gonna. Hi listeners. Some of you are such a delight in that you support us on Patreon and

some of you are out of our top two tiers of support. And those folks have some usernames like Jody Freese. Thank you Jody Freese. Thank you Mr. G. Thank you Never Go Full Drow. Mr. G, thank you Never Go Full Drow. Thank you The Man From Uncle Owen Wilson Phillips, Seymour Hoffman. Damn. Thank you Don't Forget Larry. Thank you Lucky's Pool Hall. Thank you Dr. Uyd's Lane Mean Green Beans.

Dr. Uyd voice, get your beans. Thank you Callum Kennedy. Thank you The Blaine in Pain has plainly done cocaine. Thank you, Lord for my two nutsacks. I don't even really know what's happening. Thank you, Smack Dab in the middle. Thank you, A Chad That Doesn't Suck. Thank you, Fint the Druid. Thank you Kaya the

Wonder Poodle. Thank you Rabuno. Thank you very worried that someone will throw a ball of yarn off a cliff and Blaine's new Tabaxi character will jump after it. And finally thank you Just an Anonymous Mouse. Blaine, who are those supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by... Yes! No more wire hangers! Hangers! Wire hangers?

Let's hang! With wire hangers. With wire hangers, because of what I told you, no more wire hangers ever! Dan? I truly have no idea what was happening. Is that a sound like he was playing the movie?

Mommy Dearest, she says no more wire hangers and he's saying yes, wire hangers, because he's a wire hanger salesman. I mean, I guess I'm a fake nerd, but I just thought was a thing Blaine recorded of himself earlier that he was playing as like somebody yelling at him in another room. Blaine, maybe you could just stage some Mommy Dearest. It's Faye Dunaway, right? I don't think Mommy Dearest is like a nerd canon.

I feel like that's a different wing of pop culture. Well, it's an old Faye Wilde. I know it's old, but is it a horror movie? Because that would make it nerdy. No, I don't hear it. I mean, it's almost a horror movie. Someone turned my headphones down just a little bit also. Yeah, it's a horror movie? Because that would make it nerdy. I don't really. I mean, that's almost a horror movie. Someone turned my headphones down just a little bit also. Yeah, it's a Trump movie. Thank you.

Childhood abuse. Mine too. Yeah. You never really know how loud it can get till the commercial happens. And now. It can get pretty loud. Oh, Jesus.

It's time to talk about the last loud thing that happened on Nerd Poker. In an attempt to be one step ahead of Glutt, everyone made a plan. One of them was gonna go to a mountain and try to recruit a Topaz dragon that wanted to kill Glutt, while everyone else went to try to recruit a town and destroy the eggs. The Dungeon Master did his best to try to explain you needed the staff that Pish Posh had to really do anything with the eggs and that the town was empty. But that stuff happened anyway. So right now Pish Posh has, Klet, waiting outside for Pish Posh to do exactly as he promised and trap the dragon. Things are

going great you guys. Really really interested in what happens next. So yeah that's about where we're at. We last left Pish Posh. I really, I've been trying to wreck my brain how to really go about this next, but you were belching your dragonborn acid breath on the shackles that were keeping the dragon in place. I really narratively should have like made some compromises behind the scenes, I think. I really, I really fucked you on this one. But yeah, Feral Knots the Dragon, also affectionately known as Feral Knots, is shackled to his back legs and one of his arms with these translucent chains that when he pulls on them,

they just absorb all the kinetic energy of even his dragon might. And, you know, he's shackled and you've been mostly working on we have to I think kind of treat it like a time thing and there's there's gonna be something that happens soon regardless but it's gonna be I think more of a race than it is just a series of damage rolls against the stone okay because I think you would know as Pish Posh glut is like outside

yeah the mountain, fairly far away, but going, okay, this didn't go down the way it was promised and she's gonna show up soon. So there's that. And the rest of you guys, you recruited an old man with a pitchfork, couldn't really find anybody else

and you're headed to the eggs. I'm gonna sneeze again, I apologize. I don't know when it's gonna happen, but to the eggs. I'm going to sneeze again. I apologize. I don't know when it's going to happen, but I have a hard time making sneezes not loud. So I always feel like I have to warn people. What would you all like to start with? I'm waiting for you to sneeze. I mean, it's really just going to hang over you like the sword of death. Are you starting with Ken or are we starting with?

I think we're gonna have Ken go second just because he's the most fucked. And I'm sort of taking what we were doing last time, the series of roles of acid against stone, and we're gonna go ahead and condense it to just one role to see whether he can do it before glut shows up and so that consequence will happen soon the consequence or perhaps glorious never-ending story style moment you're riding on the back of a gem dragon but the rest you guys yeah so there's some eggs in the middle of a crater and you know there's a magic trap in the crater, so that if you get super close, something bad will probably happen.

Have these guys shown up? I know I was sitting with Mordecai. Are we all together now? I think you are all together. I know you and Mordecai sort of clenched. Oh, thank you. I don't think I will. We were on our way there when we left, I think.

We had just gotten some javelins, and then we were headed to the to the egg pit. Maybe we got there and then that's where we ended. So if we're there, I think we were just gonna like wait here. Oh boy, before that I was gonna say to other you guys are here I'm so excited before Juniper arrives. I've decided I'm gonna leave adventuring and just take care of Juniper. Because that really seems to be the thing. She clearly needs a hand. And we wouldn't we wouldn't right now.

Bricks is like, thank God that we avoided a horrible, tropey short story here where you give up your career for Juniper and Juniper. She left. She's gone back to the monastery. your career for Juniper and Juniper. She left, she's gone back to the monastery. Upon my instruction, my wise advice, and perhaps we will meet with her again sometime soon and perhaps she will even be improved upon what she once was, but she can't help but be improved upon what she has become. So we're going to let her be. Can't wait to see how, when she's attacked by a bear, how she's improved. It's gonna be great. I can't wait to see how, when she's attacked by a bear, how she's improved, it's gonna be great.

Would you like to send some sort of telegram message through your forest friends and tell the bears to leave her alone? Or are you just making up? I will send a telegram message. A daily tele, will you roll an insight check? An insight, certainly. Uh oh, a one.

It is unclear if Juniper is going to make it alive to the monastery too. Oh yeah, I mean, but yeah. Yeah, and you are all on the outskirts of a crater, that's an upper cliff. So there's a cliff that is a couple hundred feet off the ground. First wave of Dalita and Mordecai went up and sort of were waiting on the outskirts of the crater and the rest of, you know, bricks, glibbles, blep, and the old man have now sort of caught up and are on the outskirts of this, wondering, you know, the old man's asking you like,

are we gonna set a trap? Are there any boulders we could roll down into this crater? Now, yeah, I think that did come up. There is like an outcropping. So let's's say the table whose water is this between the dragons? House. House water. So like if we put this over here with Pish Posh, the gem dragons over here with Pish Posh, we treat this part of the table like where glut is eventually going to show up. treat this part of the table like where glut is eventually going to show up. Let's gather everybody's minis and I will create the crater space. Is that really, is that bricks? No, I never got bricks because I could, I can use it as Juniper or Iva. So I'll just,

I'll use Juniper. Yeah, Juniper is a different race, but also a monk. Which is a monk, so. Get that new car smell off of that mini. Yeah. but also a monk. So, get that new car smell off of that mini. Yeah. Yeah. So, these glowing eggs, pulsing in the middle of the crater. See where I'm gonna see it?

Ken? Yeah. You like it? Oh, really? Oh, really? That's the loudest shrug. So, you see it anyway? Yeah.

I'm gonna. Yeah. I saw him loved it for what it's worth. He did? Yeah. Okay, cool. Ken hates most things. He's dead inside. No, I know. We didn't just meet. I have no Ken longer than almost anybody at this table except for Balaine. I will say I will rank it third. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh yeah, totally. Totally. Yeah. It's very. That's not saying much. It's in the top three. Okay. Oh, yeah, totally. Totally. Yeah. But that's so very... But that's not saying much. It's in the top three. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's Prometheus. Alien versus Predator. Alien versus Predator.

Oh my god. Then it's Predator versus Alien. That shit ain't canvassing. Well, you know what? You might really like... You might really like the fact that it does take inspiration from Alien Isolation, that video game where you're like crawling through the ducts and stuff like the director writers have said that game sick. So yeah, I don't really disagree. I mean, he said he did. That's great.

You hate a lot of things very much. Let's get back on track. But also Ken loves a lot of things very much and I feel like we should acknowledge. No, I don't think we should. I think we should cover Colt Check the Night Stalker. Sure. Fantastic. Well, my favorite game, alien game was trilogy on the first PS. Great. Have you played isolation?

Yes. It's great. I also really liked it when Blaine was the thing. We should do that again. Sure. It's collaborative time. So, yeah, I mean, you guys can kind of rearrange the minis somewhere if it pleases you. But yeah, you've got this moment to sort of think, do we set a trap?

Do we try to disarm this magical aura that is surrounding the eggs? I think we were going to hand out the Javerns to anyone who wanted one because they're throwable. The old man grabbed two, the old man's got two and he's happy to hand them out and he's not too picky, he just says he's going to kill this dragon. And Blaine, yeah, like we'll say up here right around at Brian's eye level, up some more of the cliff, there is like a large boulder and a small outcropping.

You think you could potentially roll it in. Would it be helpful if there were another pair of hands to throw a javelin? Yeah. Oh, I see. I see what you're saying. I was distracted by the forbidden food of those eggs because they look like gummies. They look real tasty. Yeah. I dare you. They're full of weed. I can't do it It's like do not I mean

Lemon presumably at some point we're going to have to attack. Yeah, maybe there's a way we could like coordinate so we all like Because these things are so strong. Maybe we all target the same one and some yeah It did just so we can recap we We should have some sort of plan. Dan was giving us a hard time about the fact that Pish Posh left with the staff. But in our defense, I feel like our understanding was we can't attack the eggs anyway until,

because if we do that, she'll immediately know. So we had to wait for him to be done with his mission before. I think we wanted to do it anyway. Right, A, we know that Ken is back or they start to hatch. So you think that if, if a rock would something organic ruin that aura or what, or would that- Let me give you guys, since you're game planning, why don't I give you all an insight check you for, and we'll see if I can throw you such bums.

18. such bones. 18. So yeah if you rolled the boulder it's probably you know gonna have some kind of a consequence with the magic trap aura that's in the crater but I don't know that it would um. But would the aura negate it? Would it stop the boulder? I would, even within 18... You don't know. Right, and you're not magically examining the aura as a magic user, so it's a bit tricky, you're not using a detect magic, but even then, the aura could melt the boulder, transport it to another dimension, fling it... Another dimension. I gotta make sure to say that phrase as often.

Blaine, would you roll? I got a seven, which is a botch plus six. Ooh, well what was BLEP wondering perhaps? I was probably wondering if those were raspberry or if they were kind of like a cotton candy flavor. Ooh, that's fun. It's hard as you try to concentrate on the flavor. I mean, all you can think about is how your tail in the periphery of your vision just looks so much like a butterfly.

OK, so I was probably trying to figure out if I would be able to get those those rocks to tumble down, but I would probably get distracted by my tail. Well, I'll just keep moving around the circle and then you're free to keep discussing such things or trying such things. Chris, what'd you roll? I got a natural 20 plus five. Hot bubbles.

What you thinking about, Dally Tail? I don't know, I was gonna maybe consult with my peers. What do you got, I mean. Well, this is your internal monologue, so why don't you give me where you're gonna go and then you can consult with your peers. I guess I would be like, does it make sense for I mean, yeah, we can definitely crush them all with the rock.

And in addition to the rock, like, I don't know, is only magic going to affect them? I mean, yeah, like I would think with the high of a role, it's hard for me to say, because again, you're not a magic user with some sort of... I have, I mean, I have ranger magic. Yeah, you know what? And this is like the wilderness. So I'll give you a little bit of, I would say this is a place that Glutt is not super familiar with right glut just created this sort of impromptu nest as a blackmail right tool for you guys so she did she didn't necessarily look around and pick the best place to correct and I would say that you

would be like um these eggs might be incredibly difficult to move disruptor damage. I sure about the trap, but the environment itself and perhaps some sort of misdirect. There could be some sort of trick you could play. I don't want to spell it out exactly because it's got to kind of be something I can't even think of right now. But like you could potentially hide the eggs, make them look like they're somewhere else, make it look like something happened to the eggs, etc. Maybe it's the thing of getting the, like Blayton you're saying, like getting the rock ready for a big crush, and then secondly having a distraction. 16? What you thinking about? I'm wondering if my background in both monster slaying for

hire and also all of the tomes and you know codices and things that I have at the monastery would give me any information about either dragon eggs or whatever these are demon lich dragon whatever this amalgamation is that you've created so I think you'd be a little perplexed. That sounds like some pretty fancy shit for bricks as much as it does, Sarah. Like why, why all this necromancy involved with these? Doubly insulting. It is.

I mean, you're not smart, but the eggs have been subjected to really complex necromancy. It sounds like Glutt herself is dabbling in lich magic. So my basic understanding of dragon eggs would be, can I, can I, what would that be? Just I think, I think you would be annoyed by how protected magically the eggs are, because you would probably really want to set a trap for Glutt. But I think you would think you could use these against her somehow in some sort of trap. And if you were to try to do something with these eggs, it would almost be better to like, get them out of here. If there's a way to like teleport them

out of the crater, because just trying to smash them something horrible just might burst out such as an alien Romulus. I get it okay so let you all discuss amongst yourselves and stop interrupting your cross talk. Basically you do you think that we should just try to step on them? I got you. That's exactly what I said. I got it I'm very smart. I'm a dick. Do we have somebody that can transport him somewhere? I don't, I mean, he, Pish-Parsh has that helmet and he has the staff, but I don't think... But we can't get through whatever this trap is, right? I mean, yeah, Glibbles is just like pacing back and forth wondering if you'll tell him he can just run at him and smash him.

But like, it doesn't seem like a great idea. Yeah. I mean, if we wanted to at least give ourselves an advantage, I mean, Dalitale would be like, if they are newborn creatures, perhaps they would not yet be able to fly. So therefore, what if we put a bunch of oil on the ground and get ready, you know, Surround them. To reset the ground. Around, you know, so anything, they have to be in melee with us, right? Yeah.

So I guess the other thing is- We should set up as many things as we can, like maybe, yeah, make sure we flame them right at the first second and then also drop a rock on their asses. What if we like hang a paint can at the top of the stairs? Yes. And when they like hatch, it swings down. That'd be great. And then, yeah, like have like a hot iron hit them right in their forehead.

And maybe we'll start a bunch of matchbox guys like we can dial up. And Dalytale will be like, you guys should keep coming up with a plan. It occurs to me since all we can do is take our cue from them. Maybe one of us should always be on watch for I will start. And you know, the the the crater here is so improvised. I can take a bit of a step back even from Blaine's idea of the boulder that you could potentially roll down. The boulder is about the size of the glut miniature.

I mean, it's pretty big, so you need a lot of force to knock it down. But if you wanted to potentially take like this whole cliffside and just collapse it down the nest, either before or after, G Cluck gets here to hit her or bury the eggs or smash the eggs. That is, it would take a colossal amount of force to collapse it, but it does look like this is a precariously smashed open crater where that has left a fresh cliff with, what's the word I'm looking for?

The ground is loose. What is the- Mm-hmm. Yeah, cause a huge impact thing just happened sort of next to it. You think she took her napalm breath and blew this open and it's precarious. It's the cliff could be knocked down on top of it,

but you need to do something to level of an onyx dragon's napalm breath to knock it down. Could I polymorph myself into an onyx dragon's knee palm breast to knock it down. Could I polymorph myself into an onyx dragon? I think it depends on a lot, but your level is what? Eight or nine? I forget. I'm eight. So it's a difficulty class of your level.

So I would think an adult dragon is a higher difficulty class than eight, but I'm going to check. I could be difficulty class than eight, but I'm gonna check. I could be like a teen dragon. Oh! Like Michael J. Fox. My gosh. It'd be great if you'd be a dragon, but with the WB Letterman jacket. And listeners, if I'm getting that rule wrong with Polymorph, either Blaine has to look it up, or I'm just homebrewing it up.

Depending on what level you cast it, it determines what CR level of monster you can summon. The challenge rating, and I'm just fine with it. They started hiding it for me, where my brain wants to. Oh, the challenge rating of an adult red dragon is 17. I think you could maybe be a little, a baby dragon wormling or something, but I'd have to look that up too. Do we want them to hatch?

Because I could try to use my actor feet to speak with them as glut and then tell them to hatch now. And then we just smush them before she gets here. I could pretend to be their mommy. Yeah. Why not? That's even meaner. If we're already, but let's. Some people say that I would be very nurturing.

Now, who said that? I might have dreamed it, but it did happen one time, probably. All right. Well, I'm going to let you guys sort of mull that over and think about you. Can you think of a polymorph? What do you think we could do to knock this rock or this ledge down? Listeners, it will be too late. But this comes up. So if I'm wrong with the rules, it is too.

But let's go over to Pish Posh. And then you guys, of course, can not feel silenced. You can keep talking. But I want to give Ken. Take it away. Pish Posh. Meanwhile, back in the cave, I am going to give Ken a little... Take it away, Pish Posh. Pish Posh. Meanwhile, back in the cave. I am going to have you roll a survival check to try to do damage, and I'm going to warn

you in advance. This is really hard, and Glutt is paying close attention. So the roll, I'm going to say is survival check. And what is your survival bonus? One. So we're going to call it a 20. OK. So you got to roll 18 or higher, or 19 or higher.

And I think there's only one number above 19 that you can roll. OK. That's a seven. Is that an 18? No. Um you managed to almost get the first of the three done. Uh huh. When you hear a kaboom coming from the top of the chamber, you think Glut is trying to smash her way into the mountain. Please do a Dexterity Saving Throw.

All righty. You got this Ken. Boom. 18. Great. You manage to run underneath an archway in this Dwarven Chamber just as massive boulders start crashing down. just as massive boulders start crashing down. Furl nuts is now going to try to not get smashed. But he is of course chained. So he's gonna be rolling this with disadvantage. Yeah, so he is gonna take... Do do do do do rolling... 35 points of bludgeoning damage that will be, you know, adjusted for the fact that he is a giant gem dragon with certain kinds of resistances but you know the stuff starts raining down he's like

you mother fuck save him Ken what would you like to do and I'm setting a timer I'm gonna grab him huh and say ace ofades. All right remind the listeners what Ace of Spades means from your card deck. I placed a card before I left and if I say its name I teleport back to that card. And this is back at the mountain? Back at the mountain. All right. And it takes anything I'm carrying or wearing. I don't know if that's gonna take him or not. Lift him. That's what I'm trying to.

Dirty dancing style. I know. Motorhead shows up like next episode. Yeah, I'm not carrying anything. Right. But like, it's, to carry it, technically it would have to be under your weight limit and this is way over your weight limit

So he's wearing him like a like a fur. I'm looking I'm trying to find Like a dragon stole the dimensions He's gonna mention it in a very specific way That's the way he likes it baby, he don't want to live forever You can speak its name. Oh, you know, I found that an Onyx, I can do a Yonk Monk's Dragon, which is eight. Great. I mean, a little tricycle.

Here's what we're going to do. You're going to pull this off, you would have to break Dungeons and Dragons rules, but because this is magic, I will give you the rule of cool as it were. And if you can roll really high in an arcana check, you'll pull it off. But keep in mind, this is not equipment. I'm pretty sure what this this the item description is trying to convey is that you cannot do this with another living being of any kind So even if you had Dallytail on your back, it might not work But so we're gonna have you just roll an arcana check. It's gonna be the same. Nothing. This can encourage him

Absolutely not. The role of encouragement is I can give myself... Right like you're talking guidance, you're talking... Yeah. Pop one of those eggs in your mouth. Sorcerer inspiration. It's like a power item. You don't have an inspiration token for a random reason, do you? Or a luck point?

It does look like one of those high-end men's... Oh wait, you do have an inspiration token. I don't know, you must have done inspiration token. I'm toxicating about it. I can't. I don't know. You must have done something cool three weeks ago or three months ago. All right. So he has an inspiration token.

So, oh, why did he listen to somebody? I don't remember. Well, you're going to give those listeners. Do not go back and listen for what he had. I know. I mean, I accidentally touched it. You brushed it with your knuckle and that's fine. Season two episode. And you know, generally speaking listeners,

this is so weird, everything they're attempting. I really admire it and have been encouraging it, but it's just gonna get weird. So roll a can of check and you got a credit, but you get to roll with advantage. So roll twice, what's it? It's third act shit. Exactly, Brian shits this.

It goes nuts on the third act. third act shit. It's exactly brain. That's in the third act. Well, good, you know, so that's a 19 on the first 19 careful Jesus. Inspiration is just advantage, yeah? Yep. Yeah. Can I give her some sort of magical goose? Right. I really want to make this work somehow. I'm just trying to think because you're definitely going to teleport back to the mountain.

Just will there be a dragon? Can I use your left point? To roll one more time? Yeah. If you have them. I have three left points. Oh, then let's bring it. And that means you can do it with advantage each time.

Each time something is making a noise. One way. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, my God. More. Oh, my God. Nice to meet you. That guy loves 15. Holy shit.

Well, three 19s. So you focus all your magical energy as you run up and say ace of spades and just like wrap your arms around its neck. And at the last second, I know what you and your two roommates are up to upstairs and you and you reappear back at Mount Dukes was it mr. furly the whole time without the gem dragon all right you did your best damn is this head decapitated like the beginning of Thor Ragnarok. I really, he not only had every possible opportunity, but I don't think we broke too many rules there. So I feel good about what just happened.

I know you won't, but you would know right now, okay, so you're back. It's a little outcropping. You can sort of see Farron town in the distance where you know your friends went and you do know glut is so far away trying to smash in a mountain that she's not really in visual range And it's gonna take her a minute to catch back up to town. So you're like, oh Okay, I guess I fly back to town, but you know, you time is of the essence Yeah, so why don't we get a survival check and I will tell you

Every five you get will make it About amount of time. So if you roll it like a 20 on the survival check, you'll be there within the hour But then it gets scaled back the lower the number is that good? That's a botch. It's gonna take you four hours Yeah, you've used your luck point, you've used your inspiration token. God damn it. Back at the eggs, Dalit's house like, you know what, maybe I won't take care of Juniper, but you know who will take care of us? Pish Posh. Right now, he's on the back of that dragon. So as you very awkward...

Oh, I'm getting a text from Pish Posh. With all the awkwardness of an early Zuckerman movie, you tried to navigate your fly spell down the side of the sheer cliffs of the Mount Dukes. Roll an insight check so you kind of know what this means. Oh, sure. Now I get it. Yeah, there's not, that's not bad. God damn. That's a 18. Cool. I mean, you think you're going to get there before glut, but you think you're going to get there maybe a few like almost arbitrary minutes before glut because you think if she moves as fast as she can, you're still going to beat her. But like, that's just because of how long it took you to get there. And you think, depending on how long she takes,

if she gets into the shit with the topaz dragon, it's not going to take super long if she doesn't want it to, because it's chained. So she might be able to just look down and be like, okay, I'm just gonna vomit on it. And it might try to vomit back. But you don't know. That's gonna be some behind the scenes shit many miles away, so. Yeah, that's definitely behind a paywall.

Pish paywall. Listeners, if you subscribe to this top tier, I will DM you exactly what's happening, but only you. But I should do that. You guys back in Fairing Town are plotting. That's my favorite Springsteen record. Back in Fairing Town. Because we live in here in Fairing Town.

A poking doink, a fur-bold bard suddenly shows up and sings it in great detail. We were not really plotting, we were just sort of like, meh. Yeah. We're fucked. Well, after a certain amount of time. We. Yeah. We're fucked. Well, after a certain amount of time. We don't know we're fucked. Well, here's what I am gonna say.

If you decide to just sort of wait, you can wait, cause that is an option. You could sort of set up a, not a camp, but get out of the sun and hope that Pish Posh gets here soon. Technically we don't know that. Yeah, we don't know Pish Posh is not coming. Yeah, we don't know if Pish Posh is coming. But you can also set a trap or do something.

I'm just gonna do one of these bad boys. Soak the oil. So don't dragons like fire? I'm flipping the hourglass, listeners. Oh, it could be fire resistant. Like I feel like. Yeah, could be. Does anybody else have any kind of explosives?

Yeah, what can we figure out? I think it's a good plan to have, be ready to knock that boulder over, right? Oh yeah, let's do that. How far is the mountain top where the boulder is? It's about a hundred feet up. Can I start scrambling up cat, well, cat style? Absolutely.

Does anyone have an over the shoulder boulder? Because that could, you can just really. Oh, we all do. The old man raises his hand. A bra? A bra bra. I mean, you guys know you could get up there. I'm not going to make you do anything other than an athletic check-up.

What are you going to do when you're up there? Start not gonna make you do anything other than an ask what are you gonna do when you're up let's check left but start to kind of chip away oh but yes you or were you polymorphine no I was just gonna be me okay that's gonna be myself polymorphine to me why could polymorphine to a young onyx dragon? That could help blast this out. What's the challenge rating on a young Onyx? It's an eight. Whoa, that's cool.

Yeah. So that's a cool option, but yeah, I don't know if you want to do that yet or if you want to wait, that's up to you. Yeah, I just want to kind of, I'm thinking of maybe getting up to the, up to the rocks and starting to figure out a way to show up to Kai's Zoom for that too.

Yeah, more to Kai's eager to help. Can I just punch the rock? Ooh. Well, here's the thing, like everyone kind of wants to do different things to the same thing at once. So raise your hand, show hands you four, if you're gonna try to go up the cliff

to do something with the rock. So you're thinking we're just chipping away so it's ready to tip? Yes. Okay. I'm going to wily coyote it up there. But it sounds like Bricks maybe wants to just straight up knock it down onto the X-ray. No, no, no.

That's not right. So Mordecai is going to fly up. But if I could just get an athletics check from Bricks and Blatt, I saw unless you're flying somehow, Blaine. Yeah. Athletics, you said? Yeah. Nineteen. Great. Twenty-three. Great. So, neither are you gonna fall and break your neck or nothing. You know, no one's gonna commit an amarthamon. I'll say. Get up there. High climbing speed. Too soon. With

my cat claw. Man. It'll always be too soon. RIP. His folded over body is still lying somewhere in another. Last friends are like, oh man, poor one out for our problem brother. So if you're I'll let you roll with advantage since everyone's trying to help you. But just try to describe in physical detail so our listeners can use their mind's eye to imagine what you're doing. I'm going to survey the rock and see what I would need to do to... Insight check then? Then start with an insight check. This will not be with advantage because this is your brain.

13 plus 6, 19. It is not on the very, very edge of this outcropping. The outcropping is, we'll say, about the size of one of these coasters. And so the boulder, if I'll just appropriate, one of the egg tokens is here and much larger than that. It's more the size of, actually Brian's 100 sided die. So we'll use that as an example.

So like you can try to chip away the outer edge of it. So there's nothing in the way if you were to roll it. And then you can roll it a little bit. But I think you would know there's two moments of danger. That means I'm going to have you roll two different things where you're trying to free it up so it can roll and smash. And you're also trying to stop it, like set something up so it doesn't just happen right now.

Okay. What if we start though, like right on the, like we start digging here and dig a trench towards it, you know, so we start in the outside. Yeah, and I also wanna, I'll put some rocks up behind it so it doesn't roll the wrong way. So you're gonna kind of try to set up the groove and brace it before you free it up a little bit. Yeah, like a broom curling. So curl up, why don't you roll with advantage. Survival check. with advantage, survival check.

14 plus seven. And I'll take the 14 plus seven. Great, 21 is fantastic. Oh no, no way, I'm sorry. 17, 14 plus three. Got it. So 17 is pretty good. It's enough that you are not, while setting up the grooving stuff, going to get accidentally

crushed and you feel like it's not perfect, you have set up enough of a trap that if there's a large, if you manage to free it up a little bit in the front, here, I'll keep using this visual and not put the stuff away. I keep borrowing this, Brian. Listen to his dance, holding a coaster and a large round. Would you like to take a photo, anybody, of this beautiful visual that I'm setting up? It's very technical. Ken is taking a photo.

Here, maybe I should go. He's taking the photo. He's taking another. And... So, you set up this trench, Bricks' idea, and your idea was to kind of put some stuff here so it doesn't roll away once you free it. But the danger as you do this next thing is you're going to have it go down the trench right away,

perhaps get crushed. We'll see how this goes. Roll another survival check with advantage. Nine plus three is 12. Hmm. And eight plus three is 12. And eight plus three is 11. All right. I would say because of that roll, it's not a single digit. So you're not going to die and it's not going to roll down the hill, but it doesn't feel good. Am I helping with this? Yeah. That's why he rolled with advantage.

And so what you've done is... My tail is caught. You've almost freed it up. You feel like it's gonna take like um what have you been using? Tell listeners what you've been using to chisel. My Mace of Smiting. Okay so that's that's a good example because Mace of Smiting can do a lot of damage but it's by no means a precision tool so we'll just say you you smashed a lot of damage but it's by no means a precision tool so we'll just say you you smash a lot of rocks back here, smash the nice trench here, maybe other people use their weapons too, but when you try to free it up and loosen it so you so you know that

some sort of large explosion back here would definitely, you got it really close but you feel like an explosion will not for sure make it work. And the only thing that will get it where you wanted it is some extremely risky chipping away. Okay. Otherwise, there's I would say like, only a 40% chance it'll work. If you want to get it closer to 100. It would take a very high risk chipping away. Can I use a magical weapon to chip away at it? Tell me what that is.

My spiritual weapon, which is just a magical mace that floats. I don't think that's necessarily going to make it any easier than your What would be the skill do you think that would that would most appropriately like what you know what I mean? Your default is going to be a survival unless you can justify some other kind of skill check. Um yeah I was just wondering like sleight of hand. Sleight of hand is more delicate. Well there's like a or a case could be, but I think you'd need a better, more delicate nature because you have to understand how rock interacts with.

And there's plenty of different, you would have to give me the method that would justify such things. I was just thinking you could use your, your, your knowledge of the natural. knowledge of the natural. Nature's not good for me. Oh. But I have survival. Nature's in town. Your nature concept makes sense to me. You really sold a bill of goods here. And your sleight of hand explanation makes sense to me, but you have to tell me the tools

that would justify such a thing. Right now, if you're just using a mace to smash, neither of those really makes sense. I see. You could use the environment for a nature tech check. I'm sort of talking to everybody too. What is your strongest skill? Maybe a different weapon to use sleight of hand. I can burrow, and I have a plus five for survival.

So I could like come up and help like, Whoa. Tuck out root systems. I do like that. What's a... I have a shovel and... Do we have a javelin up here? Do we have one of the javelins?

Can we do a hover? Yeah, that will be good for getting free. Because this is really hard, I wasn't going to let you use everybody for advantage. But if you set the javelins up, I will automatically give you advantage because I think that's a great idea that I was thinking of in the back of my head. And you're very smart. So you're right there with me, the smart person, the greatest dungeon master of all time. You're just going to have to kind of tell me like, because I really think that you would all be pretty enthusiastic

about the shovel idea as well as the burrowing idea. Shovel is like a great tool. And burrowing is a great approach, but you have to tell me what you're going to try because this is so delicate. You're really kind of trying to do some precision work. That's highly dangerous. I think the shovel is a great tool, but we should use a skill set. Yeah. Help. You know, what him do is digging, use digging. All right.

So you're going to do a survival check, Dally tail. We support him. And, um, I'm going to, because they've braced it with the javelins, I'm going to give you advantage, but it is going to be a DC of 20. All right, so one roll, 14 plus 519. That was only one roll though, right? Yeah. Do I get to another one? Yeah, because the javelins. Oh, come on. That was cocked. That was a one. Well, good thing that's not the thing you're going to do. All right, I'm gonna need you to roll

a dexterity saving throw, please. 18 plus eight, 26. All right. All right. You just ran across a phone line. My dogs went ape shit. I saw a dog go ape shit for a squirrel. It sounded departed.

Like a classic dog. You rolled high enough on the dex saving throw that you're not going to be injured by what happens next, but I am gonna have you ape shit for a squirrel. It sounded departed. Like a classic dog. You rolled high enough on the deck's saving throw that you're not going to be injured by what happens next, but I am gonna have you roll evens or odds. Evens will be one bad outcome. Odds will be another bad outcome. Neither is gonna be good because you didn't make the survival check.

Evens will mean that it is now going to roll in the wrong direction. Oh shit. And odds means it will break what you guys set up and roll backwards and smash into the cliff face. So it is now a cock-ball. So neither way is gonna get the eggs. It's gonna roll to other.

Yeah, he missed the check you needed to set that up perfectly. But how? He did, the same way. But we don't want it to land on the eggs either. I'm just surprised that's not one of the bad outcomes because it's the less bad. It sounds like you're trying to get me to change my mind.

And it can't be done. I was trying to physically understand where we can take all your fuck. I mean, that would get you some other kind of bonus. Is there something we could all do to save it? What was it? Did you get odds or evens? All right. So that means it is going to go. Like. What was it? Did you get odds or evens? Evens. All right, so that means it is going to go like... Pshhh. Pshhh. Glibbles is not down here. He's up here with you.

But it is going to go pshhh. We are so bad at this game. On the outside of the crater. Okay. I thought it was a good plan. It was fun. Great plan. We just have failed every pause in time. Dice and dungeons. Literally the thing collapsed in the dragon.

The boulder rolled backwards. I'm proud of myself for not just letting things go right somehow. I'm real just feeling good about this. Can I polymorph into a submachine gun and just shoot the eggs? Yeah, of course. And also remember when you're the dragon, you can, because the dragon, Dan said the dragon

initially used its breath to hollow this thing out. So your breath could very well just take down the side of the cliff. Like a fjord crashing into our melting plant. You did get fed the idea by each other and a little bit from me that you could try to just collapse the whole cliff down on these things and bury it. Try it. Let's do it. But we gotta wait till the... All right. Till he, Captain Ding Dong shows up. Well, because aren't they like magically protected? That's my name for Pish Posh. I don't know. Where's the, where's the Topaz dragon? He's still underground? He got buried, but. No clue. We don't have.

He tried to teleport him and basically abandoned him. Maybe he fought, maybe he fought, killed her. That's what I think happened. I bet you, Pish Posh and the Dragon now are best friends. Yeah. They're singing a song in the sky. I saw Pish Posh and the Dragon hoping for Joe the Wet Sprout guy in Santa Barbara. Well, here's what I'm gonna do. sky. I saw Pish Posh and the Dragon in the wet sprawl. Santa

Barbara. Well, here's what I'm gonna do. We're coming up near the end of the episode. So I'm gonna have you guys tell me if you're gonna do anything specific with this. And then I'm gonna let Pish Posh do what I think is a really fun role. I'm gonna go buy some new dice. Well, I'm gonna set the hourglass again. I'm gonna go buy some new dice. Um... Well, I'm gonna set the hourglass again. I'm loving how often I'm using it this episode. By the time the sand goes down, you need to tell me if you're gonna do something like have him turn into a young onyx dragon and nuke the mountain.

Otherwise, we're just gonna go to Pish Posh. I think we weren't gonna do that until... Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're waiting to do that. Yeah, we're waiting for Pish Posh. Well, is there anything you'd like to do before Pish Posh shows up or I'm gonna cut to Pishpash right now. The rock is it we lost the rock. It's on the outside of the crater. You could roll but it would kind of go like this. I mean and they're jewels. Control it it would probably just go like this.

I thought it was gonna stop. I'll control it. It would probably just go like this. I don't mind smashing, but it also might just like be like egg beaters. It's not, it's not perfectly round. It's not perfectly round. So there's a chance it'll, unless you really like turn it into a projectile, it's not even gonna make it all the way to the bottom of the crater. The benefit was it was gonna go down, not roll. Lame. Almost out of sand. Oh, oh, oh, you got some more. It's fun to watch it happen, like it matters.

Probably not fun to listen to, though. I'm sorry. Everybody has some ASMR love for this. I know we suck at D&D. All right, almost done. Okay, I think we're Pish Poshing. Sounds like you're just waiting for Pish Poshing. So Pish Posh, well, I'm going to have you do, if you could grab that D100. Yes. Love it. Do you wanna use Brian's?

No. Brian says no anyway. No, I said, oh. You wanna use yours, it sounds like. Yeah, I'll use Brian's. It's luck. My dice are so great that I can't stop using them. So I'm not gonna reveal it until next episode,

which of course in real life we're gonna record record but listeners will have to wait a week. This is going to determine high good low bad how much the far far away topaz versus onyx confrontation is going to go. Okay. So if you roll like say a hundred glut might be dead. If you roll a one, Glut might even show up before you. So let's see what happens. Oh, what is it? That's a ninety nine.

Wow. I thought you weren't going to reveal it. I thought you weren't going to reveal it to the know what it means. Oh, means I will tell you. Is it or no, it's a 69. It's a 69. Yeah, which is even. Nice. Oh, wait, is it? Hang on. Which. Is this an idea? Oh, you're right. It is a 69.

I see you better. Oh, what do you say? I'm happy with that. Oh no. What happened? You're 71. I fell asleep and then threw up. Yeah, I wonder what they keep doing. They're gonna 69 each other.

I wonder how it's going. I think I know exactly what I'm gonna do and we'll find out what that is on the next episode. Of NerdPucker. Sam? Hi. Ken tried to teleport with the gem dragon. It was so close, but didn't make it. He then flew down a cliff. We're trying to move something heavy with the javelin onto the eggs and Brian made an incredible reference to Toad for Wet's Bride. Dan, you got any shows? Nope. All right, Blaine, any blue shit coming up? No, not until October. Okay, cool. I got to do it on October 8th calendar. This is a lot of fun.

Thanks for having me, Blaine. Thanks for being had, Dan. I was just in Phoenix. Thanks Phoenix people for coming out. It was a fun one. Sacramento this week with Johnny Taylor and some local Sac friends swinging by and doing guest sets. I have Florida coming up with JT Habersat,

Gainesville, Orlando, and Tampa. Those will be fun shows. Tampa, I've been at that place a bunch of times. It's gonna be really fun. And Fucking Grommets is on third, at that place a bunch of times it's gonna be really fun and Fucking grommets is on third our third printing of the first issue and yeah things crazy like on in on fucking eBay the first covers are going for like over $100 and

It's nuts. It's like it's a hit. hit so dude you should plan a heist and rob yourself like oh yeah yeah I've got some covers for you but thanks everybody for picking that up who has and then if you haven't check it out and then RIFTRS I'm super proud of and we need some numbers we need people to pick it up and so we can keep going but I think we'll get to do like a trade paperback at least. Great. So, yeah, thanks. Lame. We attribute the success of save mankind from...

Thanks for joining us on this episode. You got walls and a roof? Well... On the next Nerdpoker, sparks fly when the Nerdpoker gang runs into an exit at the Dave Matthews concert. Special guest Dave Matthews! All this and Dave Matthews sits on Sarah's balls wrong. On the next Nerdpoker.

Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 and Sino California 91416. Thanks for listening. Hey everybody, it's Brian Pasey and you're listening to Nerd Poker. Thanks for listening.