Nerd Poker - The Mountain Campaign - Episode 37

Episode Date: October 29, 2024

Whoopsie doodle, our fearless leader is trapped inside the minotaur demon Bael and is fighting for control. Meanwhile everyone else is kinda just trying to murder the hell out of Bael. Hopefully that ends well, because this is definitely the last leg of the final battle and it would be a shame to splatter the leader. For merch, social media, and more be sure to head to nerdpokerpod.com. And for 3 bonus episodes a month and more, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/nerdpoker

Hey, we want to thank our Patreon giveaway winners. Thank you for subscribing and guess what? You won some stuff. Congratulations to Dil Lill Lee Two Ladies, Corpus Callisum, and one of our favorites, Mr. Rat Attorney Legal Counsel for Defamation of Sewer Rats, Sewer Rats V. Gazardo. Congratulations U3. Gazzardo. Congratulations, Usery. Hey, it's Brian Poseyne. Nerdpoker. My friends are here. Sarah, Chris, Blaine, Ken, Engineer Sam, and of course our kick-ass DM Dan Telfer. Welcome to Nerd Poker! Hey everybody it's Brian Persane, you're listening to Nerd Pokerer episode 37 of the Mountain Campaign.

We did it. We made it to 37. Everyone's here. Well, as Sarah's playing, but she's at home. I didn't make her sick this time. Dan is here. Ken just got here from fucking Japan. Do you just fly in just for the show? No, but I'm going back after. Oh, gosh.

Yeah, I mean, it is fucking Japan. It's not just regular. I got off the plane two hours ago. Damn. Wow. That's Dan saying wow. Blaine is here. Wow. Yeah, it's my impression of Dan saying wow. At the end of the table, as always saying, hello, Japanese children.

Did we say Chris? Did we say Chris? Yes, I did. Yeah. Okay. Hi. You go to Paris friends. We should thank some people.

Yes, we should. And they go by user names. They're Patreon supporters, first of all. And thank you everybody for hopping on board the Patreon supporters, first of all. And thank you, everybody, for hopping on board the Patreon train where we got all these crazy bonus episodes and such. But if you're, yeah, if you're in our top two tiers, you get on a little list. And we thank you on the air. We've got users like slightly less fat Chris. Congratulations, Chris. Thank you, Satan OV Beer. Thank you, Dango Merman, AKA Uncle Magic.

Thank you, I'm Just Here to Deliver the Worms. Thank you, Kaylee, we love you and we just want you to come home. Thank you, Pesto Bismull. Thank you, Nathan's Furry Purple Carrot. Thank you, Just's furry purple carrot. Thank you, just be the ball. You're not being the ball, Danny. Thank you, Dr. Uyds Forest Grown OG Kush.

Thanks. Thank you, Zen Smoke. Thank you, Makoon Lee or Lay. Thank you, a sneeze father of a chew. Thank you, Jody Freeze. Yeah, it has to be in that voice, I decided. Thank you, Mr. G. Thank you, Never Go Full Drow.

Thank you, ugh. Thank you, we all know what that is. Thank you, the man from Uncle Owen Wilson Philip Seymour Hoffman. Hoffman, they say Hoffman? Who knows? Whatever. Most people know, I don't.

Thank you, Don't Forget Larry. Thank you, Lucky's Pool Hall. Thank you, Dr. Uid's... People still love Dr. Uid. Thank you, Dr. Uid's Lean Mean Green Beans. Dr. Uid voice, Get Your Beans! And finally, thank you, Callum Kennedy. Blaine, who are the supporters brought to us by? Supporters brought to us by Spellcheck. Chalk your spilling with smell cheek. Guava teen do twerk or your monkey bank.

And autocorrect. Chew the right turd with autocorrect. Dan. Thanks Blaine. Thanks. First let's say thank you Blaine. It is now time. Last time on Nerdpoker, everybody banished a dragon and everything seemed like it was probably done. Except then Mammon, who was owed a favor by Glutt, decided to send a collector

to try to find recompense for what Glet could not pay. We now take you to that combat, which is starting right now. So I am in heavy reroll initiative in just a moment, but I had to drop the voice so I could focus on just sort of the technicalities of everything and redescribe that for myself, my fellow players, and you the listener. So like, you're a circle around Bael, the collector of Mammon, and you've just

started attacking him, but he did burst forth from the body of Mordecai, your friend, and we're going to start with the new turn order because there's going to be a bit of an interaction for a moment as you all see Bale just like grabs the sides of his head. Brian, aka Mordecai, folks, it is so hard to look at Brian and describe what's happening right now because he grabs the side of his head and he forces your conscience into a black pit of nothingness. You wake up, you're crumpled on the ground, and you're back in your tiefling body, Brian. You start to stand up and you look up and you see in the sky a horrible vision that fills the entire sky and Bale's mace is raised high in front of you, video game first person style. Like, you know, you're dooms, you're cyberpunk 2077s.

And you can see all your friends bracing to fight from that point of view. You feel this searing pain on your back and there's this really sharp sting and ache when you reach. Your wings are broken but you can feel the rest of your limbs, your arms and your legs are all working. You start to get your bearings and realize you're in some sort of hall without a ceiling. The walls are made of sandstone and there's a hot wind shrieking over this 50 foot high sheer wall on either side of you. The hall continues to the left and to the right. The walls would be difficult to climb

if climbable at all like a season three boat haul that your party spent three episodes trying to climb. But your heart is pounding in your chest and sweat is pouring down your skin. You feel like you might just explode in the hot dust. You're barely containing your sentience within this form. You must escape, Brian, to save your friends, to reclaim your existence before this temporary body is gone. So you, Mordecai, are over here on a different map. So you can see very high walls on either side of you, for you are inside a Minotaur, inside a labyrinth. So if you can put Mordecai right about here for me, Brian. The way this is gonna go after we roll our initiative,

you're going to try to make a check to escape and you need five successes the same way you would with a death saving throw. If you fail you're going to have to make a saving throw and you have ten turns to get out of this place inside Bale's form or else you will be annihilated. If you succeed there will be a moment where you can rest control back, you think, you hope, but you're going to have to focus every turn to try to get control of this body again. And this body looks a little something like this. Please be Liza Minnelli, please be Liza Minnelli, please be Liza Minnelli.

That's Diane Cannon, sorry man. I'll take it. Carol Dota. What? That is easily the best paint job I've ever done. Nice. You're a regular Earl Shybe. And I only half painted it, I just did the base coat and was like,

no, this is just to clean up. Everybody will probably just fight Glut and then you fucking brought in the Topaz Dragon. And I only half painted it. I just did the base coat and was like, well, this is just to clean up. Everybody would probably just fight Glut. And then you fucking brought in the Topaz Dragon. I was like, well, better text Brian at the last second and tell him this obscure NPC. I didn't think anyone would actually see is going to need to have a physical toy.

And then I finished painting this when you didn't even complete fighting the dragon. So here we go. If everybody could circle up, that would be great. Of course, I'm not including Mordecai, but yeah, Dallytail you have him, Bayouken, so if you could place him. And do we have anyone for bricks? I don't, I think I'm going to just use my spare minis again. Because I realize that's sort of my gig.

Here, I have a monk. It's got like a weird plastic shield. Sarah, I'm gonna send you a photo of everyone around it. You're gonna be the middle right. Okay. Doop-a-doop-a boop boop boop boop. Everybody around there is shut to have a place. Hey Sarah would you like some of Chris's wife's toffee? Not me right? Yeah my wife made toffee for everybody. Yeah, you. Oh. The initiative still?

You're gonna do something over here on this map while everyone else does something on that other map. I'm staring at an Aquafina water bottle and pretending it's yours. Oh, okay. Oh, that's my bottle here. I'm sorry, I'll get it out of the way. 23.

Nice. 18 plus five. Blaine, what did Blep get? 18, 15 plus three. Excellent. Pish posh, how about you? Ditch. Can you give me a number?

Thank you, you silly boy. Ditch is a number. Welcome to the goofpong. What's that in Japanese? What's silly goose? Deli tail. 12, five plus, or seven plus five, I should say. Bricks.

He can't just not do go. Natural 20 plus four. Woo! Hot shot! Damn. I'm gonna roll Gallibels and D&D Beyond. Same sum for the rest of us, Bricks. Yeah.

Things are going, you know, great, but you could survive this. I mean in the game, not in real life, Sarah. All right. So that was funny when I thought it. So Sarah won't survive it in real life? No, she's going to die of the cold. Guys, is this like an Ouija? Little's got a four.

A squeegee board. Take some good photos. Are you showing us your honeymoon photos now Ken? That seems like no time. No, your time. Take some good photos. Back in the day. Congrats on marriage.

Thanks. You did it. I really did. Well, it feels different now, Ken, now that you're married. Now I'm married. Oh, that was not before. This is crazy, right? Oh, my God. You guys should all get married. It's totally you know, you need to do is join the water buffalo and hang out

with us. We go down, we go bowling, we hang out, Joe Rockhead's fire department. Then there's no, there's no fire because everything in bedrock's made out of snow. Mr. Slate never checks on us there. Tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee tee Tee tee Tee tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Tee Sarah, what hurts the most? For bail. Nothing anymore, I just have a cough. Oh, good. But if you keep it up, I will drive over there just to cough all over all of you. Ah! I love the idea of you getting like really annoying

just like, all right, here we fucking go, I'm getting in the car. I'm gonna, before they can run away and go to their own respective homes, I will beat them to Brian's house. I will drive across the valley just to spite them. All right I'm just rearranging everybody on the turner list. Did you guys see the comet? No, no I saw the big-ass moon the other day though. I saw the, we saw a

blur of it. I took Ollie up to the Hollywood Lake. We saw a blur. There was a Marine cover, but I tried to see it tonight. It's supposedly like above Venus. And you can only see it for a few more days. Cool. And it'll be back in 80,000 years. So you can catch it again. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Oh wait. I'm too late. When I was a kid, Comet Kahootek. Do you remember Comet Kahootek? Yeah, when was that? It's like in the 70s and my mom would go out every night and try to see it and she and her neck got really sore and then she found out there was a thing called Kahootek neck.

People got sore necks from trying to see the comet. My mom, my mom, classic neck. Kahootek neck. All right, Sarah, you got a 24, you're first in the turn order. What would you like to do? Don't get Kahootek neck. I'm gonna do my best not to get, look at any comments. So we're like resetting here.

Are you on Reddit? What are you talking about? Yeah, I think you and Dolly Tail and Blept all attacked me. I can't remember if Pish Pash did. Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna attack. I did make note of how many hit points you lost, but yeah. Go ahead. Okay, I'm gonna attack, I'm gonna attack using my unarmed strike in my attempt to, yeah, wait. Okay, here's a question for you, DM. Yes. I was gonna use one of the three features of my unarmed strike, which is the shove, which is the target must succeed on a Dex or... and then I either push it five feet away or cause

it to have the prone condition. But then it says that... oh, it says the shove is only possible if it's no more than one size larger. And I assume it is many sizes larger than me, right? Technically it's large. I think maybe it should be huge, but I'm going to give you large if you want to try to do it. Oh, great. Okay.

So it's not, it's no more than one size larger than? It's large. It's large. And I believe you are medium. So that is one size. Thank you. Okay, I'm gonna use my medium body to try to. Welcome to my t-shirt shop. Okay, go for it.

And it's a deck save you said? He gets to pick whether it's decks or strength. Oh, he's gonna go strengths. He has a plus seven. Why'd you let him pick Sarah?? Well, actually, no. You know what? For saving throw for decks, he has plus nine, so he's gonna do that. It's at 25. Um, okay. So that didn't work. But you are giving him an unarmed strike attempt. So does that mean you rolled a hit?

No, because it well, yeah. Oh, yeah, I guess I have to wait. Yeah. So he shouldn't have even rolled yet because I should have rolled to hit. And then what you're saying is I should really roll again. So that 25 doesn't matter anymore is what you're saying. After you rolled a hit. Yeah, I think yeah, I think it doesn't matter.

I didn't get it right. So it doesn't matter. What did you roll? Well, I didn't get it, right? So it doesn't matter. What did you roll? Well, I didn't roll because he just made his saves. There's no point in me rolling. Isn't the save just so he doesn't get- You can still do damage. Push back.

I thought the way it worked was you rolled a hit. It says you choose one of the following options, damage, grapple, or shove. Okay. So- So it's not that I got So, I do shove and I failed. I got you. I got you. You know what?

I just wanted you to have the best of both. Is that your action? I do get two, well, I do get two attacks per action, so I guess I could try again, but it seems like that's a foolish parent, but I'm, yes? It's up to you. What do you mean? Oh, I'm just encouraging you to follow what your heart's desire is. Um, I'm going to go ahead and try to shove him again.

You never know. You don't. You don't. That'd be 21. Well, but I haven't tried to shove him yet. Wait, I thought you were this is didn't wait what I still have to rock. I have to roll as if it's an attack that I have to roll. I thought you didn't last attack and that's what we were just saying. I'm sorry.

It's all right. It doesn't matter anymore. That's the end of my turn. It was one of the worst turns of forever. It wasn't. Oh my God. turn. It was one of the worst turns of my career. It wasn't great. Oh my god. Sorry, I was so confused. Okay, just for future reference, if you're choosing to shove, you do or don't have to roll to attack. It's under unarmed strike, which is an attack, right? So, or it's an action, non-arm strike attack. So I believe that I have to roll

and then I get to choose the effect of that roll, whether it's damage, shove or whatever. But if it's, but the first time he rolled a deck save and you rolled a hit also? It doesn't matter. Does this matter? I'm gonna look it up for myself before your next turn. Okay, I have to roll, I think, to make any type of contact with the creature.

And then if I hit, I get to decide, did I hit him, did I shove him, did I grab him? Yes, I was confused because you did not announce what your number was either time, and I'm sure that is fine efficiency-wise, it just confused me. No, I never even rolled it because I heard your number first. I thought you rolled first and that's also what yeah. Okay anyway sorry listeners but I... I'm gonna go to sleep now. That's it? Bye Sarah! I'm gonna spend a key point to step of the wind disengage from this giant monster. Okay I'm to spend a key point to undo that moment in time where I asked you all those questions.

All right. Are you going to move, you have like another 20 feet of movement if you wanted to do something else? I mean, that's what I'm doing. I'm getting, oh wait, I'm disengaged. But just five feet? That's what my default is unless you want to make it more. Oh no, I'd like to take my maximum movement.

Great. Okay. I'm going to take my maximum movement. Great, okay. I'm gonna put you kind of between Pish Posh and Globals. All right, that'll do it for you. And Mordecai, you are in the labyrinth. There are high walls on either side. You can go to the left or you can go to the right. But first, can you choose you get to make a perception or investigation check to try to get out of here?

Okay. Perception. Your heart is beating too fast for an insight check. You are distracted by your blood pressure. Where's my amlodipine prescription? That's low. Okay. Which one was it? Perception. Okay. So you're struggling to get your bearings. You do have movement. Which way would you like to go? Forward and to the left. Got it. Okay. So that'll be, we'll call that left and then left. So you get around the corner. There's another long tunnel or a hallway, excuse me, and then after, what's that long?

It's like, what is it, 50 feet-ish? And then it kind of splits to the left and to the right. Oh. Okay. You've used 20 feet of movement. You have a total of how much? I'm trying to look at your sheet upside down. I don't know where it is on the sheet, do you remember Brian? Is it 40? Yes. Okay so you can move so you want to just keep running down the hallway? Sure. Okay fine. Alright so that is that is one fail. Up next in the turn order is BLEP. How is it a fail? You didn't make the perception check. Oh right okay. I'm going to I'm going to, I'm over here.

I'm going to attack with my divine, sorry, my spiritual weapon. And that is an attack roll. And after I do it, I'm going to run so I don't get too much attention paid. Okay. Roll to swing't get too much attention. Eight. Okay. Roll to swing your spiritual weapon, please. 13 plus... 19. Nice.

That's a hit. Roll your damage. And this is a spiritual weapon, radiant damage? Spiritual weapon is... Or is it the kind of weapon that you've summoned, which I want to say you make a mace? Yes, I make a mace. Which would be bludgeoning, but I think it might be radiant. Spiritual weapon. Anyone else?

Anyone else have a spiritual weapon in a game at some point that can remember? Floating blah blah blah. Melee takes 4 damage equal to... Force, great. Roll it. Thank you. Okay 1d8. 6. Okay.

Hey, here's my question. You're allowed one question. Okay. Does my ass look weird in these jeans? Yeah. I have a thing called Divine Strike. Once on each one of my turns, when I hit a creature with a weapon attack, I can cause the attack to deal an extra 1d8 poison damage. Oh ho ho. Actually two questions.

Does that mean each is this once per turn or once each time I attack? If it's if it's once on each of my turns is it is it attack considered a turn each? Or is that a round? Your turn is your placement and a round. Okay. So every time I do that, I can do an extra 1d8 poison damage. Here's my bonus question. Here's my follow-up.

Okay. 1d8 poison damage from a spiritual weapon. If it's spiritual, would it be poisoned? That's an interesting question that I think warrants a quick check. Of course, by quick, I mean longer than I'd like, but I'm going to do my best because I know what to look for. I mean, we could probably, it's called a weapon attack is the thing. So what is it?

What is the ability that we're talking about called? Uh, divine strike. What is that noise? Once on each one of my turns, when I hit a creature with a weapon attack, thank you. I can cause the attack to deal an extra one. The spiritual weapon, divine strike is an easy search. Nice. Spiritual benefit from divine strike. Sadly, no spiritual weapon is melee spell, not a weapon attack. Oh, okay. All right.

Good to know. Thank you, Reddit. All right. And I'm moving and staying out of range. Okay. Out of sight of this guy. Sounds good. It's Dallytail time.

Yeah, keeping distance seems smart. out of range. Okay. Out of sight of this guy. Sounds good. It's tally-tale time. Um, yeah. Keeping distance seems smart. I will fall back. I think my movement is 25. Where is my movement? Uh, yeah, I will move back. I will fall straight back 25. Oh no, 35 it says I'll fall back 35 feet.

So I'm getting distance between me and my dear friend, Mordecai, just kills me that this is happening. But they're gonna fire at him with my bow. Okay, let's see it. So the first one is a 26 to hit. That's a hit. And I already tagged it last time with my favorite fumble. And he has taken damage already, right? Sure has. All right. So it is six and two is eight and two is 10 10 and 313 plus 518.

I guess radiant. Is it radiant? Well, yeah, because it's from my longbow. Yes. I thought it was. And radiant arrows. Your non-plusness confused me for a moment, but that sounds great.

I'm sorry, it's because the print on my character sheet is so tiny. So sometimes I have to default to, I'm pretty sure it's radio. Okay. And then second shot. Yes, and by the way, these are landing really well, these shots. You guys are, you know,

it's clearly doing some damage. 28 to hit. That's also very much a hit. Look at everybody rolling high on the tacks. And then 13 plus five, so 18 again damage. Jeez. Okay. Wow. Less dice, but equal damage. That's cool.

Mm hmm. Yeah, I guess that's it. And I'll be like, Mordecai, we're your friends. We want to help you. That's it. I don't hear you. I know you do. You're you're, you know, arrows strike at Bale's back. And although you see them land

and they're like stuck in his shoulders behind his pauldrons. He does not acknowledge it at all. He turns over here towards Glibbles. It's not really me, you guys. Oh yeah, and he should, this is his announcement. He says, Low slaves of Tyr, you shall be reborn as children of Bounty, baptized in your own marrow, which I shall, shall coax from your bones quickly and mercifully. And he goes up to Glibbles.

Goes up to Glibbles. And he is going to bring the Morningstar down on him. That's a 21 hit, which is a hit. You got this, Glibbles. Yeah. Roll with it. 20 points of piercing damage. As you see this thing just like right into his neck. And then he is going to take

23 points of necrotic damage. That mace is evil. Yeah. He goes, it's like Nancy mace. Am I right? It doesn't feel good. What happened about that? Pishposh hasn't taken a bite out of me yet. What is that noise? Stop it. What's that fucking noise?

All right. And then so my neighbor playing the bass. He said, that's so good. And he gets stuck to the mace as Bale lifts it to bring it down on bricks. He's stuck to the mace? Yeah, so he's up in the air, unconscious. Oh, he's unconscious? You see he's impaled like who? Like, glibbles.

There's a big spike on the Morningstar kind of going in through his neck meat and coming out through the top of his back. For Glibbles. Neck meat. That's where a bunch of people get together and exchange necks. Oh, that's great. That's my favorite plate at Thanksgiving. Sweet, sweet neck meat.

Neck meat. Yeah. 20 neck. 20, 40 plate at Thanksgiving. That sweet, sweet neck meat. Neck meat. Yeah. Twenty snack. Twenty forty hits, Sarah. People always take the neck meat. But I disengaged and took my maximum movement. How much movement do you have? Really? So much. You said twenty, I think, before?

Oh, yeah. Well, if you wanted, I had you go in a different direction if you wanted. I have 45 total movements. Okay, and you took, so you had 40 more. After you approached him five feet, you could back up another 40 feet. And Bailey has 30 feet of movement, so you win. Yay.

You watch yourself, McCoy, and he is instead going to do this versus Pish Posh, which I will roll again. Why? The Kaiju fight begins in earnest. All right, Ken, that is a 30 to hit. Not even close. Oh. Oh.

Oh yeah. 16 points of piercing damage. 16 points of piercing damage. And six points of necrotic damage. So 22 total. Okay, yeah. And as you know, he pulls it back. You see Glibbles go flying and just his unconscious body splats. Poor little fella. And he goes, oh, that's terrible. Yeah, he's not dead, dead, but he's not looking great.

I think he's dead. I mean, he's getting there. Don't give up. Don't give up. Don't give up, Glibbles. He definitely just, you know, took an automatic fail or two there getting flung backwards. Oof-dah. So up next is gonna be Glibbles who's gonna make a death saving throw.

Sarah, hold your breath. Go, Glibbles, go. Fail. All right. And then Pish Posh your breath. Go, good, let's go. Oops. It's a, nope, fail. All right, and then pish posh your breath. I'm going to use my frightful, was it? Flaff. Flaff. Flaffful, fluffful.

Fling flog? Frightful, press. Did you miss them saving throw? Is that right? That is a, oh, hi. That is a, yes, I missed saving throw. Ken is unspooling in front of us. He botches.

Ken's been awake for 40 hours. He is frightened. I know. So he is frightened for one minute. Nice. Frightened for a minute. And now I will

use my Medi-Attacks. She'll barge. Yeah. I will bite claw and... Ooh. What's the other one? Willy. Oh, bite and...

One bite, two claws. Great. Do it up. So, bite is... And I don't have to roll for that, right? Because it's just for damage. Hush. I love that you just frightened the

devil. The Minotaur. Yes the Minotaur devil. It's Brian. Brian's the Minotaur devil. Blaine's the fake. That's true. Hey. I'd like to see that. So that's 10 and nine plus eight. 13, 13 piercing damage. Okay. And your claw and her biting there. That's a bite. Nice. Oh, plus some acid damage. Eight acid damage. Oh, that was my bite. And now I will claw twice. You see that? Yeah.

Oh my goodness. Excuse me. Um, by the way, when you bite into him. Oh, that's all. You feel like your teeth can barely find purchase. Like you rip into his skin, but they can't sink all the way in. Right. His skin is like made of like thick rubber.

Oh. His bottom is made out of spring. That's about 14 points of damage. Uh it won't be. Oh. From the piercing. It's it's he's resistant to piercing. It's frightened. He is. It's slashing damage. The first was piercing the bite, right? The... yes, the very first one. Okay. So... Yeah, unfortunately, same problem with slashing damage. Well, why am I doing this at all then? You should comment on this outfit.

You can go home. Self-conscious. You may as well. I sure scared you though, didn't I? You sure are frightened as shit. I mean, I see you sure are frightened as shit. I see you're wearing those pants outside. Anything else for your turn? You staring at me like I'm gonna do something for you.

Okay, well, frightened means that he is going to have disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls while you're in the line of sight. going to have disadvantage on ability checks and attack roles while you're in the line of sight. Well, bad. And he can't willingly move closer to you. Okay. Well, he's not close enough for it.

No, we're back at the top of the turn owner and it's bricks. Bricks. Hey, what happened? Sorry. I'm turning my, turning my mic back on because I turned it off so you can hear me coughing. Stop coughing. But you're going to hear it now. Deal with it. Oh my God.

Aggressive. Sorry, every time I start to talk again after being silent, just sitting here silently. Anyway, hi guys. So it seems like this sucks and I guess I'm gonna go ahead and I Feel like the best bet that we have is for me just to keep trying to Either prone him or grapple him So I'm gonna do that and this time damn I'm doing it, hold on, I'm rolling. Uh huh.

These don't take acid damage, yeah? Yes. 21 to hit or... That's a hit. Think to him. That's a hit. Okay. And then now I'm going to do...

I'm going to try to... Insult him. Okay, sure. him. Okay. So, yeah. So does he do a deck save? After that roll? I'm just, oh wait, what is his bonus? I'm looking at this again, actually now I'm looking more in detail.

I'm glad. Because it's showing me the DC and I am not happy about how low it is. So it is disadvantages now. He does have disadvantages. Um, if, if he gets to choose, if he gets to choose, uh, the strength saving throw, um, he's, he's gonna, I'm sorry, he has a plus nine to his deck saving throw or a plus seven to his strength saving throw.

Okay. So then there's no point in me even trying to do this basically. So I'm just already unarmed, strike him. I'm just gonna do the damage that I do. I'm gonna try to, you know, poke him in the eye. Three stooges style. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, what else is there?

I think we should just quit. Impermeable. Um, and I did six points of damage. Okay. To him. Sarah. With my, yes. I was going to say, have you considered pretending to be his baby and telling him that he's a bad daddy?

I feel like that tactic worked really well for you with our last criminals. I don't like to repeat myself. You're welcome to pretend to be a baby. I throw a diaper in his face and then I go for my second attack. A two attack. This time with a hand axe. But that was only a 14 to hit. That's a miss.

Okay. Or I suppose because, you know, he just lands on his plate mail and just sort of scrapes off. Okay. He was born wearing plate mail out of Brian? Uh-huh. Jesus. That's cool. That probably hurt, huh?

Or gnarly. It didn't go great. Now I'm going to use my bonus action, flurry of blows, and I'm going to poke him in his eyes, like try to poke him in his eyes again. Oh, yeah. So the fro no. Well, the first time you tell me what happened, but I did botch. So, uh, and this is to attack.

Yes, I bought that. That's the sour. That's the sour. Roll a D 100 place. Do I have to? No, we can just wait for the dog barking thing to play out. Okay. I'm before I roll this.

What if I put my own myself in the eyes to death? I mean it's gonna... I did roll a 94. Oh no. Evens are good. Alright so he is very tall and last episode you wanted to try to like run up him. When you're going to go to try to like blind him, like jab your fingers in his eye, were you going to like run up the front of him? Sure. Squirrel of a pant leg, The narrative thrust this episode. So, okay, you try to climb up and you're just going to fall on one of the spikes in his plate mail. How much is that gonna be? By the way, that's made out of Brian's DNA.

Uh-oh. Insane. It's gross. You're on your way to the DPK. DNA stands for Dexys Nucleoriculaic Acid. So, you know, you try to turn your body away from landing on his knee, but it doesn't work out. You are going to take 15 points of slashing damage as it just sort of tears in your shoulder and you fall to the ground prone. Please roll an even-sided, well they're

all even-sided, roll a die, any die. Roll any sided die. You know that I still have one more attack though from my Floyd Rebloose. Does that matter? Oh, it sure does. Okay. Two. Okay. Your right arm is now paralyzed. And you can do any of those attacks, but you can't do things like climb without having

your speed severely reduced. Flurry of blow. I'm gonna, since my arm is paralyzed, I'm gonna drop kick him in the nards. Nice. I rolled the drop kick in the nards, please. Minotaur's got nards. That's what's making me, that's honestly what made me think about it. It's the time of the season for Wolfman.

Yeah. Yeah. I did not. It is the Nards season. I'm afraid that is a miss. We're looking for an 18 hit. All right. Well, it looked real dumb.

So at least we all have that. She's not flanking him, right? Oh, that's a great question. She is flanking him. I can't see her mittens. You could be rolling with advantage this whole time, Sara. Oh, okay, well let's try that. It's time to hit the rewind button.

Wait, really? Uh-huh. Dead, he's dead. Oh, but that was so fun. Okay. It was fun, but if you botch again, it's still happening. Okay. I don't think it is.

So I'm going to redo the botch roll right now. Thank you, Chris, for... What happened? I was just looking at the thing. Yeah, you unparalyzed an arm. Okay, so that time I rolled a 17 plus seven. That's a hit. Oh, nice.

All right, roll that damage. And this is uh is this force or bludgeoning? This is um This is... Don't slash your peers. Uh, well i'm poking him in the eyes, right? It's um, means of eye poke damage bludgeoning. OK. Poke of noted eyes to the poles. So, yeah, so that was seven points. All right. Poke damage. You feel his eye resist as if it's made of thicker stuff than a normal eyeball. Not like those cow eyeballs in Biogequest.

All right. Now I have one more bonus flurry. Mm-hmm. Are you staying, like, up on his platemail shoulder area? But I felt his eye. I felt his eye. You said it was... Well, I mean, there's something I can do, right? So it's just...

It's... Yeah. ...resistant. Yeah. He's just resistant. Okay, so I'm just going to attack him again. He is afeard, yes. Does he have any red glowing areas?

Triangle or something. I should roll twice in case I get a... Okay, no, is it 23 to hit? Nice. Nice. Ooh, okay, this time I do 12 points of poking damage. Wow, so... Do it again. Again, it's hard to do, but you're doing some kind of damage. Wow. So do it again.

Again, it's hard to do, but you're doing some kind of damage for sure. It's half, something's happening. It's like I'm trying to take his contacts out. I'm really bothering him. Now, are you going to disengage? I don't believe I can, Dan. That was my bonus action.

So unfortunately I'm going to die. And you're on his shoulder. It's been a good run. Yeah, it's been a good run and that was my bonus action. So unfortunately I'm gonna die. And you're on his shoulder. It's been a good run. Yeah, it's been a good run and it was all worth it. I mean, you made- It's not what Bricks is thinking at that moment, but I'll leave her own thoughts to be private. Ha!

All right, I see what you're saying. Mordecai. Yes. You are in this purgatory of sorts. Please investigation or perception check your choice as you try to, you look up to the sky and you try to harness whatever kind of awareness you can to take your body back.

15 either perception or investigation. You have to pick cause it's going to get you something different. Perception. Okay. You look up and you feel your vision start to hone in as your heartbeat slows down to the more calm, intense Bale heartbeat. You suddenly feel yourself in Bale's body, in control of it.

You know it's only going to last about six seconds and he still might be able to do something on his turn, but you now get to choose what his action will be when it is his turn. Okay. What would you like to say? When it's Bale's turn? Right now on your turn, yes, you like took over the body so you're back over here as him and I mean now you have the rest of your turn. What would you like to do?

Light your farts. You still have the screenshots I sent you of his abilities. Yeah, you can talk. Well, I don't want to hurt my friends. So. Put yourself on my head. Did you hear Blaine suggest lighting your farts? Yeah, lighting your farts.

No. Get me out of here. You hear more to Kai's voice. your farts? Yeah, let it your fart. No. Get me out of here. You hear Mordecai's voice from the kitchen making you breakfast. Do you do anything with your action? Do you do anything about your I mean, look, do you want me to show you what Bale can do? I know it's he's super powerful, but I don't want to fuck up my friends. So I can I do something? Can I self mutilate?

Yes. Oh, I can. Yes. All right. You can do whatever you want. You can attack yourself. Yeah. Well, then I'm going to cut my belly open. Oh.

Now, how are you going to do this with a parking starter? Are you just going to drive it in there? I just came from Japan and that isn't a seppuku. Yeah. for sure. Please. This is going to be hellish. But good. Hellish Morningstar plus 13 to hit. Roll to attack a plus 13.

Wow. Yeah, 16 plus 13. All right. So that's a hit. All right. So you, you drive it in your own stomach. Please roll two D eight plus seven. Do you have a handy plane? I do. Oh, this is right. Yeah.

Oh no. Okay. Yeah. Find my... Should have thrown planes twice. 2d8 plus seven. Okay. So five plus seven. Okay, so five plus seven.

Seven points. Yeah, five plus seven. 12. 12, so 12 points of piercing damage. You feel your skin resist it. This is a resistance you have, but you now also get to roll necrotic damage. Please roll 3d8 necrotic damage.

Ooh. So you're just, thanks. Oh, nice. roll necrotic damage, please roll 3d8 necrotic damage. Thanks. Oh, nice. Eight, six, and seven. Wow, those are some high rolls.

Eight, six, seven plus what? 21. I think it's just three. It's just, yeah. So 21 points of a crotic. Oof. You feel this like rush of hot pain and you all see just this black Iker

start to drip out of his belly. The pain is so intense, you get pulled back out of Bale's consciousness. So you do not get to have his action next turn by attacking yourself. You've lost control of Bale's body. Damn, but he's still. You've lost control of Bale's body. Damn, but still. You doof, you know, land back,

curled up in the dirt of the labyrinth. But yeah, Bale is now like, like with this huge morningstar driven into his stomach. Fuck him. Nice. You should swallow your wallet next so you can't drive home. Swallow my wallet? Yeah.

Is that a thing? Swallow it. Did you get another attempt at getting out of the maze? No, he by using an action within that form he has used his action. If you have a bonus action or something you'd like to do as Mordecai Brian you can but or if you can you want to get up and run or something you didn't move. No I just want to get out of there but. Well sure do you want to get up and run or something. You didn't move. No, I just want to get out of there, but. Well, sure. Do you want to get up and run? Sure.

Cool. So you run, you get up, you make it down here and you look to the left and to the right. And it is more of the same. So you can see, it goes in either direction and then, sorry. In either direction then in either direction, in either direction. Did anything happen to me when he stabbed himself in the stomach since I'm on his shoulder? Whatever. Um, I was going to get to that after I described this to Brian, but Brian, you

look like left and right and it's, you know, not clear if you're making any progress. But you do now have one fail and one save within the labyrinth. Okay. I'm gonna get you to five. All right. I'm where I am for now. And that is going to mean a dexterity saving throw for Bricks. You got this, Sarah. Me? This is me now. Sorry.

Dexterity saving throw. 18. All right. You easily do a flip and land on the ground next to him. Cool. Yes. What you see is what you get. Bail howls and pulls the Morningstar out and there's just a spray of Black Eicher everywhere, splashes all over you, pish pash.

He is focusing himself back into more power, and he is no longer frightened. Oh. His sentience swapping took him out of the condition. Nice. He isn't like the same Baal in some ways, but he's Baal and he he's pissed. Hello, WombNoise. This is a very, very magical sounding episode. And I think that's going to do it for this episode. Let's just end it there. Sam. Hi. What do you think happened today? First off, I didn't have my phone, so I watched the entire game this time. Oh, sorry.

So, Brian is inside a Minotaur, I think. We're attacking him instead of helping him out of it. Sarah tried to shove him. Brian made, I think, a Stormtroopers of Death reference saying, what's that fucking noise? Yes. Excellent. Ken is fighting the Minotaur as a dragon. We are reminded that Blaine is indeed the thing.

Brix attacked him with the hand-ducks and missed, and then tried to run up the Minotaur, then dragon, we are reminded that Blaine is indeed the thing. Bricks attacked him with a hand axe and missed and then tried to run up the Minotaur, then fell on a spike. Then Sarah re-rolled, so none of that happened. Dan had some aggressive sneezes. Mordecai's attacking himself inside the Minotaur body and got himself out of the Minotaur and Bricks got off the Minotaur's shoulder. Fun. We did it. You want to promote anything, Dan? Let's promote America. Yes. We go to dantalford.com. You can hire me and I think you should. I can run your Dungeons

and Dragons game. I can perform standup comedy for you. I apparently know how to paint a Dungeons and Dragons miniature. I am pretty good at hanging images in frames on your wall. If you've got, you know, when it was bouncy thingies, let's go to the green liquid in it. Do you do the fork trick where you put nail and you put a fork and you hang it on the fork and you pull the fork out. Well, yeah. Helpful hip hips tips. We have fun.

So drunk. Helpful hips tips. Helpful hips tips from Grandpa Ken and his sturdy hips. The fuck is happening? Hey, guys, you read some of that dirt from the floor. It's probably about time for breakfast. What? Rampersame.com, tour dates and comic book news. Go to the comic book shop, buy comic books with your hands.

I don't know what I mean. Anyway, Blaine, we attribute the success. Save mankind from. For joining us on this. You got walls and a roof. Well. On the next nerd pokeroker, a Stelchek malfunction puts the Nerf-poking teal in Danker. Can that down-low an up-doggin' Tim? All this and brain shits on her bald ring.

On an Alu Nuke Turd Smoker. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerd poker and you get bonus episodes from there and you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 and Sino California 91416. Thanks for listening!