Nerd Poker - You're Gonna Die - A Tomb of Annihilation Prologue

Episode Date: October 18, 2017

Welcome to a deviation from our regular adventures, a silly invented side-quest in the land of Chult, straight from the new Tomb of Annihilation adventure! Want to hear us dig deeper? Subscribe to our Patreon, you'll hear some more real soon! Next week we'll be back to our regular campaign of Amynna.

Hey everybody, this is not the usual campaign. This is an episode we recorded for Dungeons & Dragons proper. Oh yeah. Tomb of Annihilation. Yeah, I remember doing that. Book. It just came out. They gave it to us way in advance.

We got real... It's really fun. I think we'll probably... Do some more. Yeah, I would love to. We could do that. Go back there again. And really get into Dinosaur Town.

No, don't call it that. It's jungles and stuff. Not the mommy. Oh, I don't want to give away too much of what we're about to have happen in this episode. Have a listen. That's it. Won't you? Hey, it's Brian Poussaint.

I used to have a podcast where I played Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of my friends. I missed it, so I decided to make a new one. It's called Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. It's myself, a couple of my buddies, Blank and Patch, Dan Telfer, Ken Daly, an occasional guest or two, and we're going to be playing in a new setting, my dining room. Each week you'll hear my wife, my son, my dogs, and we're going to be playing in a place that I love and playing the game that I've loved half my life, Dungeons and Dragons. We've got fifth edition and we're ready.

So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussain's Nerd Poker. We've got 5th edition and we're ready. So are you ready? Here's Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. Hey everybody, I'm Brian Poussaint. Comedian, actor, writer, nerd. You're listening to Brian Poussaint's Nerd Poker. I've been playing D&D with my pals for a long time. Well, you heard the intro.

Anyway, we've got my pals here. Dan Telfer is our DM. Hi, guys. He's our direct message. That's what that means, right? Yeah, exactly. Slide into me, everybody. That's Blaine. He says funny stuff all the time.

Hi, Blaine Kapach. Hi, Brian. Funny enough for you? Jesus. I'm not a monkey. I'm not here to dance for you. And then Ken Daly. Yeah, hi, it's me. And then we have a...

It's usually just the three of us playing with our DM, but this week we have a special guest playing Dungeons and also Dragons with us. Brendan Small from TV and music and comedy. Hi. It's me, Brendan. It's good to be here. A couple things before I start out.

I'm talking to this grandma. I'm talking to this grandma. But I won't talk to this grandma. Brendan. Brendan. Yes. Brendan. Yes.

Stop. No one heard you. Yes. Brendan. Yes. Stop. No one heard you. Okay. Great. It's good to be here. Our crew is in the middle of an adventure in Amina, a really creepy continent that has been hewn from the rest of the universe by an apocalyptic event. But today, they will be heading to the jungles of Chult as a part of the Tomb of Annihilation module.

I hope you're excited. I totally am. Here we are. Welcome to the jungle. You're going to die. Did somebody say module? A module. Yeah, I don't even know if this is technically a module anymore.

Fifth edition. Do they call it that anymore? It's like a part of a compendium of adventurers. We're old, everybody. Yeah, we are super old. All these young kids. Oh, and when we started, there were no other podcasts about Dungeons & Dragons. And now there are seven.

Yeah, there's a lot. So, hey, there's competition, you guys. Wait, wait, wait. Is that like more than a million? I tried to put as many syllables in front of Ilion as possible to convey just how many. Remember when Google just met the world's largest number? But there's Googleplex. That's where I saw the world's largest number.

In San Jose? It's great. The Googleplex in San Jose. You also checked out the Winchester Mystery House while you were there. Two things to do in San Jose, the Googleplex and the Winchester Mystery House. I remember when Google, the website, came out, how mad I was that they spelled it different from the number. Is that a Google? Yeah, it's like...

Wait, what's the difference in spelling? I think it's G-O-G-O-L is Google. It looks like Nikolai Gogol almost, the Russian author. God damn it, that was nerdy. That was more Gogol

talk after this. Stick to your Anton Van Leeuwenhoek chunk. Yes, ma'am. So you guys have met before. You were recently on an adventure in Gluck, the Orc City, from whence Bodhi had his adventures. So why don't you tell the audience a little bit about your characters? You guys are meeting up outside the home of an archmage named Sindra Sylvain.

You hear she has an urgent message for you guys, an urgent quest for people of a certain skill set. So our audience may not know you if they don't already listen to NerdPoker. Why don't you tell them who you are? Well, first of all, I'm just visiting for today. My name is Elzid Falconcrow. Hello, how do you do? I'm very polite and I ask lots of questions. I am a Rogue Five class level nim. I'm a high half elf. I'm also part Samoan.

Well, I mean, I've got a long bow. I've got a long bow of warning. We're finding out what that's going to mean later on. And, well, I'm just genuinely curious. Nice to meet you. Elzid Falconcrow. And who are the rest of you guys who are normally on our adventures? I'm Bodhi. I'm a level five barbarian, half orc, outlander.

I'm a chaotic good, but we've been talking about maybe changing that. It's a possibility. It's a possibility. You waver in your alignment. I worship Kord. I'm extreme. How many X's in that adjective? All of them.

There you go. How about the other two gentlemen we have at our table? Oh, well, I was going to tell you my history. I grew up in what was the city? Excuse me. Cleveland, Ohio. Gluck. Gluck.

I grew up in Gluck because my dad was a barbarian orc and he died. My mom was human, and so I was raised human. A couple of old Glockers. People didn't like me. The orcs didn't like me. Eat the Glockers. But I had a crew I ran with, and we were called the Ex-Paladins. People called what we did crimes,

but we were just living an extreme life, living on the edge. Seeking the ultimate. Yeah. Adrenaline, man. It's a mother. You know that it is. Can we cuss on this version?

We cuss all the time. I think we can cuss, yeah. We can kind of do whatever we want. We're allowed to do NC-17, I think. I was keeping it clean for everybody. So fuck it. All right. We can do NC-17 But try to keep it towards R

Extreme motherfuckers Tweet Tell them about yourself Brother I'm Tweet Speak up Tweet No one can hear you Don't scare them

I'm Tweet, I'm an elf, I'm a bard, and I'm nothing if not happy to see you. My name is Tom Doretto. Tom Doretto. Yeah, I live my life 30 feet at a time. I'm not exactly extreme like my buddy Bodie, but I do like a little action. Do you have anybody that you're doing this for?

Like a woman that you love? You're talking about my Nettie. God damn it, I love that woman. I just want to say, you know, you're all my friends, but you're really my family. We're all family, right? Yeah. Everybody's my family.

You're my family too, brother. Thank you. So how long have we been at this Olive Garden? Enough to go through nine never ending bowls Of breadsticks These breadsticks do end The thing they don't tell you Everything ends Even these breadsticks

This bottomless pit There's a bottom to it You know what's at the bottom Breadsticks So you knock on a large oaken door Outside of Cinder's home A butler opens it for you Says hello gentlemen So you knock on the large oaken door outside of Cindra's home. A butler opens it for you.

Says, hello, gentlemen. Welcome to the home of Cindra Sylvain. You're wanted upstairs in the study. All right, let's go, guys. You head up there and you open this. I didn't know there was going to be a door. You open a door and do we know anything about? You know, this is a retired adventurer. That's who called us here?

Yeah. We're called separately or what were we called? Well, you were called together as your exploits are well known in the area. And what you do know you're walking into is there is some sort of wasting curse. People who have been resurrected from combat are suddenly wasting away into nothing. The spells that brought them back from the edge are no longer working. It's like Awakenings. Something wrong with the pet cemetery?

No, it's just a perfectly functional pet cemetery. How's it spelled? Pet semenary. This is for pets to become priests. Wait, because priests love semen? Cat just gave you my last rites. In the name of the meow meow And the meow meow I confess I'm allergic I really want to see Pet Seminary

Pet Seminary Somebody get us a meeting We're gonna pitch this one You are rebooting Mad TV Hello Warner Brothers You are rebooting Mad TV. Hello, Warner Brothers? It's me, your cousin, Marvin Warner Brothers.

Hey, I think I just heard a sound that you're looking for. I just gave a confession to a chicken. Hey, new listeners, this is how we play D&D. We barely play D&D. This is more important than the rules. It's fuck around party time. Because there's nothing in the player's handbook that says a dog can't play basketball.

Or swim. Or play racquetball. Or be the president. They also can't eat chocolate. The attorney general can be a dog. The door creaks open and you see a hearth with a roaring fire and a withered shape underneath a heavy blanket. It's got an embroidered hood and a silver mask.

And you hear a very small voice welcome you towards the fire and invite you to take a seat. I think it's William A. Key. No, it's Cindra Sylvain, retired adventurer. But they welcome you to sit over at the fire to explain the dire situation. You hear the voice say, I can teleport you to the land of Chult, where I believe you can solve the problem over there in my dresser.

I have a series of maps that will help you explore the jungle. I hope you can end this curse and bring life back. Life is withering away for all of us. Faster and faster every day. And all of a sudden the voice gets choked up. Terrible workshop.

Starts wheezing. And the voice says, was one of you just vaping? Fake smoke. I want to teleport you, but I'm worried that something could go wrong with the spell if I cough in the middle of it. You're not vaping, are you? A little clear.

Okay, okay. It's medical, first of all. Don't break the fourth wall. Get back in. Guys, I'm so fucked up from that vaping. What was in that? Vapes?

Just strawberries and berries. It's liquid oregano. I feel like I just inhaled a bowl of Frankenberry. Before the spell can be finished being cast to teleport the group of you, it gets caught

and it starts rasping and you all suddenly see blinding white and you appear in the middle of the jungle before you can get the map.

The mighty jungle? You realize you didn't have time to walk over to the dresser and get the map. Indeed, Syndra had choked on what could have been vape fumes and the teleportation spell

was not executed correctly. WPG. So, um, you don't know where you are. You don't know what you're supposed to be doing here. You're just in a jungle. Are we armed and armored? Yeah, you're armed and armored.

Okay, so we got all our shit. You hear what sounds like an ocean to your right. Uh, uh, and, Oh,

it's just a giant shell. And the jungle does appear to get, uh, deeper in, uh, all the other directions. We should probably head towards the ocean. Yeah,

let's do it. Okay. So, um, I'm going to go ahead and see if you get any random encounters. No! But you make it all the way to the clearing and, by the way, I had

planned on that teleportation spell not going well, but the fact that there was actual choking gave me fun to blame somebody for it. To blame somebody. Welcome to Behind the Scenes of Dungeons & Dragons. Pay attention, 007. This is distracting.

You see somebody sitting on a rock. They've got a leather helmet on. Their clothes are filthy. And they're whittling something on a piece of wood. They look up from what they're doing at you guys and go, Yeah, hey. Hello?

Hello. What do you guys want? Hello, first of all, may I speak first, gentlemen? Sure. I am Ilsefalkencrow. All right, that's it. That's all I got. Oh, hello.

I'm Dignan Mulganus. Oh, Dignan, Dignan. Good name. Good to meet you. Uh, thanks, I guess. May I ask, what are you whittling down there underneath that? Oh, I just like to work this knife on some wood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Alright.

Well, that checks out. Guys, guys, guys, guys. Okay. All right. Well, that checks out. Guys, guys, guys, guys. This might be that villain I heard about, the Whittler. The Whittler? What? Am I saying it right? Is that a comic book reference? Does he have question marks all over him?

Yeah. This is Chult, man. The Whittler. This is the jungle. We ain't got no comic books. We ain't a bunch of sissies. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. He's having a hard time committing to a character What did we get from the guy? I don't remember You got nothing Yeah, he just sent us over here He didn't say anything about what we were looking for We're trying to restore, keep people from dying

Right So we need some kind of a magical spell or something That's what I would say Do you know anything about the withering? People withering Oh yeah, There's like a there's some kind of necromancer in the jungle, man. You gotta look out for

Eric Hocra and you gotta look out for a bunch of dinosaurs. Eric who? Eric Hocra. Eric Hocra? You know Eric Hocra? Those are those bird people. Oh, okay. But who's the first person you mentioned? Oh, some necromancer, man. Necromancer. Do you know the dude's name?

Who are you, by the way? What are you doing here? What? I'm Dignan Mogunis. What are you doing? Well, I'm an inventor. You ever see Bottle Rocket? Yeah.

Dignan. Just wondering. Wow. Oh, wow. Wow. But, yeah, I mean, I think I got something that'll help you guys out if you... With what? Well, I've been working on a little thing that lets you talk to the locals.

You know, locals, like this part of the island, they're kind of messed up. They're what you call sorials. You guys ever meet sorials? They're like dragonborn, but you gotta kinda like smell their feelings? They're real weird. What the fuck is this guy talking about? No.

No. Y'all don't like no sorials? Never met a sorial. If I could smell my feelings, I'd never leave the house. He gestures for you guys to follow him to his house so he can explain his

sorial invention I guess it's a danger room so sure he has break the fourth wall again cast a series of enchantments on a helm

that is supposed to enable people to uh telepathically hear what a soriel is trying to say so like a translation hat a translation hat and in particular he says the soriels have been seeking something like this for some time because they're a very reclusive species of humanoid who don't communicate in common they don't even have proper vocal cords that most people can hear they can they can speak certain tongues but you know most elves most dwarves most humans can't understand anything they say so he's been working on enchantments his whole life trying to help out sorials because he was raised by sorials when he was a kid and it made him real weird he didn't have any friends

but for sorials so he tries to look out for him and uh yeah he's hoping you can help him find this helmet that he was testing what happened to it uh oh well you know i put it on an ankylosaurus we got a lot of dinosaurs out here i don't think that's how you say it. What? Nothing. So I put it on an ankylosaurus and kind of ran off. Okay. Okay. So it sounds like if we find this ankylosaurus,

then we can find the helmet. Well, it's sitting on his head, but he doesn't want to give it back to me. Well, maybe we offer the Ankylosaurus some kind of a... Treat. Treat. Food. Point us in his direction, brother.

Okay, well, there's a small little sea town right over there. They got little docks. They go fishing. They're real nice people, but old Dincho went over there. He's eating all their fish. Dincho is the name of the Ankylosaurus. Oh, sorry. I raised him from a pup, but he turned out...

Can we see the town from here? Huh? Yeah, yeah. It's right over that, on the other side of that cliff. I see town. It's a sea town. The fuck you just say? Nothing. He said it was a sea town. Like, you can see it, but like with the letters.

Oh, I see. I think you got a future in puns. I think you got, you could write some popsicle stick humor. I heard you're going on a diet. That's a compliment. Well, it's a seafood diet. Wow, that really hurt my tummy to listen to what you just said. I eat everything I see, but only if it's seafood.

Only if I'm looking at seafood at the time. Anybody got a ShamWow? Because that's a real sweaty joke you just did. So you're actually a pescatarian? No. I'm Catholic. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, you should try

Atkins. What's his phone number? Anybody got a shovel? Because I hear Rodney Dangerfield rolling over in his grave. I don't get no resurrect. Look at the face on him. This must have been something before electricity. He's a little C-town called Ferentis,

and if you head over there, you can maybe stop Dincho from killing a few more people. All right, let's do it. All right. I should warn you, Dincho's turned into a real asshole since he could speak common. Hey, don't you worry about us, all right, guys? I think we know what we're doing.

I can't wait to start rolling my giant dice. Well, you head over to the other side of this cliff, and sure enough, you see what looks like the ruins of a town. There's a bunch of simple buildings that have been knocked over and stomped on. a bunch of simple buildings that have been knocked over and stomped on. And by the way, Brian's pointing out his custom dice tray. What does it say on there? I'm going to live forever.

It's not something you would normally say about your character. I like that it's on your dice tray because it's daring your dice not to botch. Totally, that's why I did it. You're going to fall on your sword. I'm going to be using this dice tray when I'm playing another character in a couple of months. God, yeah. And if you haven't listened to the podcast,

Brian had a character die an incredibly spectacular death a few years ago. I've died a bunch. But Amarthamon, the way he died was so fucking brutal. Tell us about it. It was an spectacular botch.

Do you want to... I don't even remember exactly. You should tell people what you remember, though, because it was a necromancer's tower, and you're trying to climb up a rope. It was 1,000 feet or something stupid, right? I fell a long way. It was like 15 stories.

You were trying to steer your body. You were in a free fall, and you're trying to steer towards a balcony, and I think you finally hit it when you were going to steer your body you were in a free fall and you were trying to steer towards the balcony and I think you finally hit it when you were going like Mach 2 and it just folded you in half and I had a shit ton of hit points

you were a Goliath right? Yen would be I think I was like 8th level or something I had put some time into it and they did like physics problems to see how much damage you took and they did you like instantly lost 370 hit points something crazy but you failed like 30 dex checks to do it was insane yeah i just that my die was shit that night

and so now you dare your dice to do it to you again. In the name of glory. That's how I live, brother. Extreme. That's what happens when you're extremely forever. The first area you get to, you see what looks like a school with giant reptilian footprints going

through the middle of it and some crying children outside. Hey, I think this may be our dinosaur. Some big swearing ankylosaurus just stomped through our school. He was swearing? Yeah. Which way did he go? He headed

towards the docks. He says he likes fish. Should we double time it, like hustle over there? How far away are we? You feel like you can get over there in just like 10, 15 minutes. The thing is, all these buildings are smoking and they're knocked over. We'll follow his path of destruction.

You head over and you see an ankylosaurus. It's got some kind of riding harness on the back of it. It looks like maybe it was working part-time as some sort of taxi cab for people to get around the island. It's a living. It's a living. This job's a real pain in the neck. Our young listeners, that's from a TV show called The Simpsons.

The Flintstones. Way before. They spent so many seasons of The Simpsons that it's absorbed all other cartoons at this point. It was before that even. It's a little show called Wait Till Your Father Gets Old. And you hear what sounds like a very deep, heavy muttering as you approach this thing from behind.

It's got its head in the side of a shack, and it looks like it's just scarfing down food. I'm going to cast sleep on it. Go for it. It'll try to do a saving throw. Yes, it will. No. So I am casting sleep. How high is it?

How tall is the Ankylosaurus? It's about three stories tall. Oh, shit. All right. It'll be easier to deal with when it's asleep, perhaps. Yeah. Is there anything to climb to maybe get on top of this thing or above this thing? Yeah, there's actually a two-story house with no roof on it.

You could just walk up the stairs, get up on a kind of like a... That's what I'm going to do while Ken... Well, I mean, well... Not Ken. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom.

Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom.

Ooh, this thing made its saving throw against your sleep spell, but it wiggles its tail when you cast it. Oh. So you've got time to get up the stairs. Yeah, I'm going to hustle up there. And it turns around looking. You guys have one turn. It takes long enough for it to swing its body around.

And you knew that Tom was trying to cast something. So what do you want to try to do while this thing swings towards you? Are we going to rope you or something? Lasso it? Is there any way I can get into that saddle? You can try. I mean, what am I looking at? What do I need to do? You would have to run across

a brick wall, the top of a brick wall that had been severed near the roof and make a running jump. This would be difficulty 18 and you'd have to roll your athletics to do it.

What's its name again? What's your athletics bonus? I have a plus 4 on that. What's his name? Dincho. So I'm looking for a 14, everybody. Alright. Ah, fuck.

I got an 11. Looks like an 11 from where I'm standing. So, you managed to uh grab a hold of the side of this thing you got close you it's just athletics you don't also get the decks no you don't get to add both bonuses together you got to go with whatever the higher bonus is my athletics was higher okay so all of a sudden, this thing's starting to swing around, and you see Bodhi take a running jump, and he's grabbing onto a big plate of armor that's sticking off the side of Dincho.

He's just hanging on him? He's hanging off of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm going to use my charisma, which is very high, and I'm going to say, Dincho. No, you're not. What are you going to say, Tom? Yeah, you got to do it. I'm going to say, Dencho. No, you're not. What are you going to say, Tom? Yeah, you got to do it.

I'm going to say, Dencho. We're friends with a buddy, Dinklin, and he wants you to come home. All right. Roll a charisma check. Difficulty 15.

Ooh. That's a four. Okay. So he pivots and he goes, What? Don't wake up my family. Hey, listeners, we play in my dining room every night, and I have an eight-year-old son who's sleeping.

Your friend's addicted and he wants you to come home, buddy. Dead, man. Yeah. He wouldn't give me fish. Voice modulation. We'll get you some fish. Okay. All right, let's gather up some fish, guys.

Hurry. Dignan starts nodding really hard when he hears about the fish and he almost starts to buck so much that you would have to do a roll to not hang on. But you are still hanging on to the side of this thing. When you say Dignan, you mean the dinosaur. Dincho. Dignan Mulgunis is the guy

who lives in a shack on the other side of the cliff. Now we understand. These guys, they start with D sounds. We're only going to give you the fish if you let this guy ride you, okay? What? We're only going to give you the fish. Roll another charisma check.

Difficulty 15. Ooh, hello. That was a 19, everybody. Okay, I'll let him climb on me. All right, thank you, hello. That was a 19, everybody. Okay, I'll let him climb on me. All right, thank you, buddy. So what do you want to do, Bodhi? Oh, he's letting me climb on? Yeah, I'm going to get back into the saddle.

I'm going to pull myself up. Okay. Why don't you roll a dex check, difficulty 10. Why don't you roll a dex check, difficulty 10. That's a fool. Okay, so you... Oh no, my buttered toast. Yeah, you slip off. When you hit the ground, you thud pretty hard,

and Dincho gets startled, and he starts to stomp in place. And he goes, whoa boy! Who's this? This is a scary person! Oh no! That's okay, buddy. He's a friend of Dignan's. Okay! Oh no though! Oh, he's got a big sword! He's not gonna use it on you,

buddy. We're all friends of Dignan's. Dincho knocks a building over with his tail while he's bucking around and you hear screaming. Roll a charisma check. Difficulty 18. You rolled a 20. He goes, okay.

Okay. Okay. And he starts to calm down. Let's gather up some fish, boys. You notice behind you there's a crowd gathering at this point. A fish? No, humans. And they're real pissed off. I want to see fish die. They've got what look like a bunch of improvised weapons.

There's at least 20 adult males who look really pissed off and are kind of waving and yelling. Are they there to see Dincho? Yeah, they're there to fuck up Dincho. Okay. Some people want to stab Dincho in the face with some tridents and harpoons. What we need from Dincho is his magical helmet.

Yeah. Maybe not just get to that now and leave Dincho to these people. Do you care if he gets murdered? Don't ask me about your feelings. But Dignan doesn't want this guy to die, right? I don't think so. I don't think so. Well, you want me to not die or die?

You tell me. This fairy man seems really nice. I'm going to tell this crowd we're going to get things out of control. Okay. Roll. I just need some fish. Do you have

persuasion? Yes. What's higher? That or your charisma bonus? You're looking at I have a plus 3 in persuasion that's good well you've all got a shot if you want to address

the crowd and try and let me talk to them do you mind? I have way with words ladies and gentlemen I am Elzen Falcon Crow and thank you for gathering round our entertaining evening of dinosaur play. Now, we've managed to run into some problems, and we've definitely destroyed a couple buildings,

and we will be paying you back at some point. In the meantime, please, dispirits. Go away now. Do be gone. Farewell. Good day to thee. Good day. Goodbye. Disperse. Disperse once. Roll your persuasion or your charisma, whatever is a higher bonus. You might want to...

As someone who plays D&D, only once a... Oh, they're equal? Great. So this is going to be difficulty 15. Yay! Okay, so they don't all change their mind, but a few of the guys

listen to you and are like, okay, okay, and so they start... I'm charismatic. They all kind of go from being an angry mob to turning around and sort of fighting amongst themselves about what to do with this big pain in the ass ankylosaurus.

So you've bought yourself a couple of turns before something goes wrong. Alright. Do we see any fish around? I'm going to roll what he's doing next while you guys talk. I feel like we're going to need fish in order to get the helmets. The clock is starting to run out

on people's patience. Is there any fish around? We're searching for fish. He starts getting nervous and he's bucking again. Easy. I'll give you another easy easy. He does 11 damage to another building.

He sort of knocks a window out. We don't see any fish around? I'm flipping over the gargoyle hourglass. Within the next five minutes, you have to start convincing the crowd. I'm going to try to find an Arthur Treacher's. What is that?

It's a fish restaurant. You could have said Long John Silver's or H-Salt. Yeah, yeah, yes. H-Salt. Don't get too local. I can't believe it. Yes, depending on which coast. You look for that.

I'll look for it. You might like Hush Tuffy's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How far away are we from the ocean? Oh, you're about, I don't know, a five-minute walk. You'd have to run over there. It's a few blocks away. I can fly.

Watch this. All of a sudden, Tweed strums his guitar, lifts off the ground. My favorite Van Halen song is Arthur Treacher's. I'm Arthur Treacher's. I gotta dance on that boat. Arthur Treacher's. You're heading towards the ocean? I'm heading towards the ocean. I gotta get some I'll find a fish I'll find a fish I'll find a fish I'll find a fish

Off the tree, cheers You're heading towards the ocean? I'm heading towards the ocean It's fish and chips It's fish and chips I wonder what the tree Is gonna look like this year All right

While you three are grooving To Van Halen Put some mayonnaise on that bun I got your tartar sauce Dignan gets nervous again He starts knocking over Fish Go ahead and fish This time Dignan's nervous again. He starts knocking over. Fish! Go ahead and fish!

This time Dignan's tail hits a guy. Fish and chips! Is that Finn Halen? As Tom does the air guitar, Dignan's tail hits a dude and knocks him 50 feet. The guy slumps to the ground unconscious. You're not sure if he's dead or alive Tui, what are you doing? Dincho, calm yourself

Oh, I'm flying I'm heading for the ocean Okay, you get there What do you do? I'm looking for fish Yeah, there's a fishing boat They've got a big old netting pile of fish You see a shark on a hook.

Shark on a hook, huh? Uh-huh. Sounds like a set up for a joke. I'm going to fly over there. Okay. Does anybody on the boat see me? No, no. They're all packing fish.

Is this the orca? I'm going to lay a little levitate on the shark. All right. It lifts up off the hook a little bit. And me and the shark are going to fly back to this ankylosaurus. Okay. Dimcho? Dincho.

Dincho. Dincho the ankylosaurus. Okay. It's a common children's rhyme I don't know why you guys aren't singing along Dincho the Ankylosaurus He is a fucking asshole Is that how it went?

Okay so you get You get back And you guys You've told Dincho to calm down But at this point the crowd is starting to get Back off war child seriously We're gonna lure him point, the crowd is starting to get restless. Back off, War Child. Seriously. We're going to lure him away from the crowd, hopefully.

Dinsho's getting mad, and he starts... He starts... Well, okay. So Dinsho is going to... I'm pointing out the shark coming his way. Okay. Would he change my alignment if I just split his fucking belly open and climbed him and then took the thing off his head?

No. It wouldn't? No. Well, here's the thing. So the crowd is- Why are we not murdering this dumb fucking- Well, the guy who got knocked unconscious, it turns out he has died. Okay.

Oh, no, man. Now people are pissed off. His name was Tad, and Tad is dead. From the band Tad? From Seattle? Seattle's Tad?ad, and Tad is dead. From the band Tad? From Seattle's Tad? Lead singer of Tad is dead. Jack Pepsi? That band?

Oh, shit. Saw him open for Nirvana at the Cattle Club. No, Tad the Crab Fisherman. They were supposed to open for Nirvana on New Year's Eve at the Oakland Coliseum, and the head Tad said some shit about Courtney Love, and they got fired. That makes sense. Yeah, so it was choke-bore, butthole surfers, and Nirvana. This sounds too true.

And the host, ask me who the host was. You know this. Bobcat. Bobcat Goldberg. It was fucking unbelievable. He rappelled down from the ceiling. I wrote for some of those nirvana shows i wrote with bobcat i went with him to some of those shows and wrote jokes with him

yeah on a couple of gigs we did seattle we did san diego what me and doug benson we went along did you see some insane yeah we got to meet nirvana and fucking hung out backstage it was the craziest fucking thing. And he got to do the tour because Cobain loved him. Yeah, Bobcat. Cobain was a big comedy fan and he thought it would be funny at the height of

that tour to have this jackass comedian come out and open and half the crowd didn't even know who Bobcat was. Can I do my impression of Bobcat opening for Nirvana? Yeah, please. Hey, everybody. Hey, this is Nirvana.

Oh, come on, everybody. Come on. Everybody. Everybody. Oh, fuck you. Here's Nirvana. Pretty much. Yeah, that was it.

Throwing a couple of Stone Temple Pilots jokes that me and Doug Benson wrote on the way. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. Stone Temple Pilots. Come me and Doug Benson wrote on the way. Hey, everybody! Hey, everybody! Stone Temple Pilots! Come on! Come on, you guys! Come on!

Fuck you! Here's a butthole surfer! Happy New Year's! Happy New Year's! He rappelled down from the ceiling wearing a diaper and a sash like Baby New Year. He swung into the stacks. It was pretty funny.

I'm working on a TV lot right now and I just saw yesterday Dave Grohl and Pat Smear walking down the hallway to do some TV show. Is there a new Foo record? I don't know. I don't know if they're promoting something or if they just got talked into being on some TV show. It's the new Foo record? I don't know. I don't know if they're promoting something

or if they just got talked into being on some TV show. It's the new Foo. Where were we? It was an incredible new Foo. We digress a lot. Where were we? Oh, you're making the decision. Are you going to split the thing open?

Tad is dead. And this is where you start noticing. I saw Tad open for Nirvana. Wait, where are they from? Are they from Seattle? It was supposed to open for Nirvana and New Year's Eve. No, stop. He said some shit about Courtney Love.

I feel like we know something about somebody who knows Nirvana. Why does it say Memento on there? I can't wait for the DVD release when we can listen to this podcast in the correct order. Backwards on your chest. Tack Bob. This is where you start realizing why Dinchow was accused of being an asshole by his friend Dignan. Because he sees the shark coming. It's floating towards him.

And he is very placated by it. But he starts getting very arrogant. And when he notices the crowd is getting restless again, they're starting to cry out for justice for Tad. Dinchow responds by going, Hey, uh, fuck you guys. You know what? I'm gonna eat this fish and then I'm gonna eat that dead guy.

It's gonna be great. So he sees the shark floating towards him and he starts going, Hi, hi, hi. The shark is gonna kind of float sort of like a Bugs Bunny the the carrot soup smell, but with the gesturing. Yeah, the steam hand is going to sort of, the shark is going to dance just out of range of his beak. He starts stomping towards you in the crowd parts as he starts following the shark.

But he's knocking over all sorts of, you know, street lamps and. Okay. I'm going to try to just get him over to the Yoshinoya. Okay. So that he knocks that over. Okay.

Uh, you're going to have to try to swing by the Chili's too at the airport. You're going to have to concentrate real, real hard to keep this, uh, toy claw machine claw from uh dropping the toy uh without bumping into anything with those things are a ripoff because at this point that i know right my kid is what's sort of loose on the top just buy the stuffed animal right exactly online and

get the same with any carnival game always give you the option like like tell me that i can you know buy this stuff pikachu for it doesn't matter, $70 but make me pay $70 because if my kid cannot have that Pikachu it's going to haunt my family for generations. Get them all on eBay. You know what I do? I would too.

I go in later after they close. I fucking break in and I fucking bust it open with a hammer or a brick or something to take it. There's a way to get it out. Oh, you know what? Before I do that I hit the cameras with some spray paint. and I fucking bust it open with a hammer or a brick or something to take it. There's a way to get it out. It's still satisfying. Oh, you know what? Before I do that, I hit the cameras with some spray paint.

No. I remember when I was a kid, I reached up into a soda machine and I got a root beer out. Do you ever do that? I did that. I got a grape crush. Oh, God.

When I did that, I thought I could change the world. I felt like I was the six-year-old anarchist who could defeat the United States government. Yes. Amazing feeling. Okay. I want you to roll an intelligence check for me to a difficulty of 10. Difficulty 10, huh?

Mm-hmm. And you guys are going to get a one. With your bonus, you got it. That's a seven. Intelligence, two. So it's a nine. With your bonus, you got it. It's a seven. Intelligence, two. So it's a nine. Oh, so you didn't quite. Okay, so there are two houses kitty-corner from each other,

and you're having a hard time running, or you're flying. You're having a hard time flying towards the intersection fast enough to get the shark between the houses, and it bumps up against one of the houses and it just sort of flies 10 feet to the left. And that's enough to make Dinchow confused. And he spins around and his tail just bombards with a home, sends bricks everywhere into the crowd.

And people start screaming and, um, there's now people running full sprint with improvised weapons in your direction. It's still, the shark is still hovering. You feel like if you take another pass, you could probably hustle it.

But, uh, there's now enough chaos where I'm just trying to, I'm just going to try to get this thing out of the city, getting it away from buildings or whatever. Okay, do another intelligence check, difficulty 12. All right. 19.

Sweet. So this shark goes flying now through the air, and Dincho goes running after it. Can we cut to Fonzie on the ground going, whoa. He does not fit between the two houses, unfortunately. So now he's kind of stuck. He's kind of stuck between two houses. Feeling like a fool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Loving both these houses is breaking all the rules. Cobblestone brick, it's slowly loosening, but he's trying to jam himself out between it. He just didn't make the dex check he needed to prance. He's too big. So should I feed this shark to this thing, and then we all kill it?

That's what I think. I'm going to shove the shark into its mouth. I'm going to shove the shark into its mouth. I'm going to fly the shark into its mouth. This is a lot easier than leading it out of town. I'm going to wait until it opens its mouth really wide, and then I'm going to just rocket the shark into its throat and maybe try to choke it. Okay, so it says,

I can't wait to eat all these motherfuckers. And then you're going to do an intelligence check again. This time it's a lot easier. So difficulty six. Oh, that's my resting botch face. Wow. So big fans of D&D will

note that botches are not an official part of the Dungeons & Dragons rulebook. However, it is a lot of fun when people rolling a 1 can be randomly punished. So would you please roll a 100 for us, Blaine? Doesn't he have any bonuses on that?

No. Yeah, with the bonuses it doesn't help. And rolling a 1 sort of, if you do the sort of casual, Jesus, if you do the casual botch uh you get to fuck around also like my my botch table is uh i i've i've had fun building a botch table so now i have multiple botch tables one of them is for combat because that's the one you need the most but uh one of them is for different checks so uh

hard uh hey blaine what is this uh botch table check that you just uh hit a 74 on brought to everyone by oh uh this botch check is brought to you by axe body spray and sex repellent ladies know the smell of axe means do not. Keep it in your pants with Axe. These people are not actual advertisers, just so the new listeners know. I got 10 grand for that. For the people who don't make Axe.

Per leg, there's going to be a 50% chance that Dincho trips, and then there's going to be a 50% chance that Dinsho trips, and then he is going to take D6 damage per tripped leg. So he's got four legs. It's better, so I can do a four-sided dice for this. Oh, and all four legs trip.

So he's now going to do four D6 damage. Right before even. No one makes a Jerry Lewis noise anymore. He's stuck between the houses and this shark comes flying at his head.

He snaps too soon with his jaws at it. He finishes the word motherfuckers and then as he goes it hits him in the forehead. And he takes eight damage as he is hitting the head with a shark. He's hitting that with a shark flops on his side,

trying to go grab it with his mouth. He loses his footing, doesn't pay any attention to where his feet are, and rolls over like a dog with something being dangled in front of his face. So he takes a little damage. It doesn't matter. He's got so many hit points.

Eight hit points are really nothing for him, but he's causing further chaos and everyone else is advancing towards him. You've got about this timer's run out because you're on a new thing but I'm going to flip it again. You've got five minutes before the crowd is just all out

pouncing on him and attacking him as on mass. The only reason we don't want them to do it is we also want this crown which which was our... He's got an enchanted helmet on that translates. Huh. Wow. Are we allowed to help?

You can do whatever you want. I think it's time to pull our swords out. Yeah, start fucking it up. I mean it's time to... Pull our swords out. Fuck it up. Start fucking it up. Yeah. I mean, we've tried everything. We tried to be good.

We tried to be nice. None of it worked. We tried to use a shark, an already dead shark as bait. Now it's time to kill. I'm going to... That shark was hanging on a hook, right? Mm-hmm. I'm going to go and... I'm going to go fly over to the shark and pull the hook out of its mouth.

I'm going to fly back up over things and start to wrap a length of rope around this hook. Make a little hook on the end of a rope. Okay. I guess that'll be my... That's what I'm doing this round So I'm out of range of everything Above the fray Do you have any acrobatics skill?

Because you're trying to do this While flying around No, I'm just really good at stuff I have a high dexterity What's your dex bonus? Five Cool, if you can roll We'll say a three or higher

on a 20, then you did it. Yeah. Great. Okay. So he's working on that this turn. What do you three guys want to do? You see Tui fly right over Dincho and start improvising some kind of hook. I'm going to cast Firebolt.

Go for it, please. So it's 20-20. It's 2d10. Great. Okay. No, it's 2d10. So you don't do about 10s. This isn't 100.

It's 2 and 2. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so four points of damage. Poof. Against an Ankylosaurus. I'm going to rage. I wish you would. And here we go.

And then I'm going to... Can I rage using any of my weapons? You sure can. Okay. So for me, what does it mean when he says rage? So we should roll for initiative if we're in combat too, but we're going to skip it just because of the roll to attack at least. So this guy's armor class is 14.

That's a hit. Great. Roll for damage. My halberd of the dwarven prince, right? Oh, yeah, bro. You can use a custom weapon. I can use a custom weapon. And there is a penalty.

I thought prince was tiny. You passed your penalty to attack, too. I acquired this fairly recently. You got this versus the cult of the eel thing. Well, yes. We had a bonus episode where he used this to defeat a giant eel god. That's a 20. I had another.

So this thing does massive damage if he can get a really high attack roll. And. 19, and then what are my bonus? Jeez Louise. Where are you aiming with this thing? He's on his side, so he's not hard to make a called shot on. I'm raging, right? So 19, 23.

And then I get another attack, right? Yep. Where are you with your bonus action? Sure. I'm trying to go for his belly. I'm trying to go for his soft underbelly. Go for it. Which Blue Oyster Cult used to tour.

When they'd be on the road, they would do secret shows under the name Soft White Underbelly. Really? Totally true. I didn't know that. Yeah. No one cared because Blue Oyster Cult,

but I care. I would have cared. I would have seen the shit out of it. Let's's a oyster cult. I care. I would have cared. I would have seen the shit out of it. Let's see a second attack. And Buck Dharma's real name? Oh, real high. Rue McClanahan. Roll that damage.

Yeah, cool. Rue McClanahan's real name. Bunny Carlos. Eight. Great. Okay. plus uh four so 12 you managed to dig the hall bird right under its flesh and you pull through some kind of muscle layer and uh something starts some real pink starts poking out of a tear in its belly. Hey, Elzit, what are you going to do? Well, I've got a longsword that I haven't used yet. I wish you

would do something with it. I'd like to take it and I'd like to take whatever that pink thing is and I'd like to plunge my longsword right into it, the grabbing pink thing. Does that sound like a good plan to everyone? Yeah, it sounds great. Why don't you roll a 20? I like it. Roll a 20. Here goes. Here we go. Come on. He's plus 5, so great. Why don't you roll a 20? I like it. I'm going to roll a 20. Here goes. Here we go.

Come on. He's plus five, so. He's proficient. That is a six. That is not quite a hit. Yes. Yes. Well, I blew it.

Well, you do a moulinet. You swing your sword in a circle. You come down hard on its belly right next to the pink thing, and you scuff its armor, and it kind of wiggles in place after you do it. Okay. You feel like you just flicked the film on some old jello. Yes, okay. What else can I do? Well, nothing quite yet.

It's Tweed, you're up. Did you go? Yeah. Okay. I am positioning myself over this thing's head, and I'm lowering the hook, and I'm going to try to snag the hat off of its head with the hook and kind of do a little yoink.

Is he offstage at the Apollo? Yeah. I'm going to try to get him offstage before my manager sees him. He forgot to rub the stump, and everybody's not having it. First, I'm going to roll a 20. And if he gets over a 15, he's going to be wiggling around too much for any. He's just a big, massive. Nope, 12.

So now roll a dex check, difficulty 10. Oh, I dropped my hook. So that was a one. In your own face tell us what this next 100 roll is going to be brought to us by Blaine this next roll is brought to you by

Glade Plugins the smell of your house burning down while you're at work Glade Plugins 007 pay attention 007 this is a girl great news you don't drop the hook you just barely miss the helmet this turn you are up

Tom I thought I was going to drop that hook like New Order after that. Let's see what this poison spray is. Where are you going to aim this poison spray? His face. All right. Got a long way around there for no laugh. It's okay.

I'm used to it. I'm okay, guys. I'm okay. Okay. I can sleep in that. Okay. I saw New Order back in D.C. Tad was supposed to open for him, but the guy said no.

He's going to do a Constitution check for his saving throw. I got fired. Actually did see New Order. He fails to save the throw. Seeing them in two weeks. They're playing the Hollywood Bowl in two weeks. Oh, wow. No New Order? Yeah. A nine. And then I'm going to Tom Petty the Hollywood Bowl in two weeks. Oh, wow. No new order?

Yeah. And then I'm going to Tom Petty the following week. I'm going to go there. I think I want to see tickets. And then I'm seeing the Scorpions. The Scorpion? You have blinded Dinsho. At this point, Dinsho is very agitated.

I'm going to see the Michael Shanker group. Oh, no, wait. I'm sorry, Michael Bublé. That's totally different. I saw Michael Shanker within the last eight years. Opened for Michael Bublé? Yeah, he. I'm sorry. Michael Buble. That's totally different. I saw Michael Shanker within the last eight years. Open for Michael Buble? Yeah, he opened for Buble. I thought he said some shit about Courtney Love. Dinsho swings

his tail at Tui. It's a bit difficult because Tui is near his head. So this is going to be what's your armor class? It is 11. I mean, if I could swing my tail at my head. He rolls an 18. He clipped me right.

He sure did. How many hit points do you have, Tweed? Not many. 26. That's a lot of damage. That's a real crunchy noise, wasn't it? He does 13 points of damage. That's half lot of damage. It was a real crunchy noise, wasn't it? He does 13 points of damage.

That's half of me. Half of me. Is it going to be the Steve Martin half or the Lily Tomlin half? Put the dweeb back in bowl. I'm going to say roll a 20, and that's how many feet you get knocked back in the air because you're flying. Okay. Oh, my gosh. You just spin in place. That's three flying. Okay. Oh my god.

You just spin in place. That's three consecutive botches on three different points. Luckily, this was not a traditional roll, so it was not a botch botch. That was a one foot you went spinning. You're right by his head still. You are up. I set the river on fire.

Oh, you're up. Yeah, you're up. I think it's Bodhi. Yeah, Bodhi, you're up. Hey, Bodhi, what are you going to put the river in my bag. Oh, you're... Yeah, you're... Put the bag on the plane. I think it's... Bodhi. Yeah, Bodhi, you're up. Blow up the plane. Hey, Bodhi, what are you going to do to this guy? I'm going to rage. Epidee, epidee, epidee.

Okay. Against the thing and the thing. After this turn, by the way, after you and Elzed, the crowd will be descending upon Dincho. Oh, should I just get the crowd will be descending upon Dincho. Oh, should I just get the crown? He's blinded now. Okay.

He's blinded. He's got a little hernia. Yeah. That's right. Well, he's also kind of defenseless too, right? Mm-hmm. Can I just finish the cut before, or is it? Yeah, you could try to just plunge the hover right into his opening yeah I'll do that I'll try and grab the helmet huh we're nearing the end of an hour so but also like was there something we had to do after we got the hell

there's like a necromancer and and yeah eventually you could try to make it to you know port nyanzaru another episode do the module if you guys want to we could we could get proper into it yeah i like i like hacking at giant turtles with hats. It's like playing Super Mario. This is very customized stuff that I did as a possible side quest. Here's what I did. I made

four side quests. You were not going to do much of the main module. I was like, let's just do a fun side quest. I rolled a four-sided dice to see when the teleportation got fucked up which of the side weird side quests you would get and maybe we'll maybe we'll do one uh out of continuity on our show or yeah yeah yeah another well i would love to take the module a little more seriously and get farther into it i really wanted to just sort of take it as like a yeah like a flavor to fuck with. We did so much damn riffing. I do think

that represents the podcast pretty well. If you like this, you'll hate our podcast. If you hate this, then you'll love our show. I don't know. If you hate this, go sit on a

pile of thumbtacks. I'm going to roll on this dude. I'm going to rage on him again. Here we go. What did you just roll there? Just a nine. Okay, so his armor class is a 14. So you whiff with your first swing.

But you're raging, so you can use your bonus action to try again. That was a whiff I'm going to say he wiggles to the side so he keeps wiggling too much Elzen you're up I'm going to get my longsword out and beware the wrath of my sword

evil creature give it a try here we go get ready and behold after all that talk you there a bonus action? Well, you... After all that talk. You used a bonus action to attack. You could have positioned yourself different,

but you used as many combat actions as you could. That area over there is... What are you rolling? A three. A three. Well, I got cocky. Alright, so... Twelve guys make it LZ well I got cocky so 12 guys

make it over to him he swings his tail and knocks all of them away because he is super pissed he just rolled a critical no problem there might be some more

casualties in a minute here, but he bought you guys another turn to do something, if you want to give it a shot tweet. Hey, fuck them eating my village, right, guys? I'm going to fly down and grab his crown. Just grab it. All right, let's do a dex check. Difficulty five, please.

Come on, lucky number one. Sweet. So you grab this leather helmet, and it hums in your hand your hand starts shaking when you pick it up and uh he of course uh goes from saying i'm gonna eat all you motherfuckers i'm gonna put you in my tummy i'm gonna i'm gonna make you dance on my uvula to go It's pretty good for a turtle. You got the helmet. What you gonna do? Because they're coming for you.

You know what? I'm gonna put it on and listen to that new Taylor Swift song. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'll like it with the hat on. I don't think you will. It's all right.

You're too old for Taylor Swift. It feels like it's a riff on Beyonce. don't think you will. It's all right. You're too old for Taylor Swift. It feels like it's a riff on Beyonce. I feel a TTH trying too hard. Amen, brother. And I got my hair permed for nothing. I'm going to assume you guys just try to bolt out of town. It's all a riff on Taylor Dane. Taylor Dane did it all before I was here.

So once you've got the helmet off, nobody else seems to care about the helmet. They just want to fuck up Dinjo. So he starts, you know, tussling with the crowd. As you guys run away, you hear screaming, loud, weird yapping noises coming from Dinjo. Okay, I'm going to point at all the guys on the ground and point the hat and smile. Oh, he got it. He got the thing that we were trying to get.

They're not paying attention. They're dealing with more human casualties. You make it back to the shack, and Dignan sees you've got the helmet, but no dincho. And he says, Oh, hey, y'all got that helmet. That's great. Thanks, you guys.

I mean, it's real valuable to me i was going to try to sell it to somebody over in the port so uh really really appreciate it uh i guess i can i can offer you some kind of reward if you just what's the reward brother well uh i got i got I got some ropes I enchanted those Ropes? Yeah yeah yeah Enchanted ropes Keep talking Hope this deal gets sweeter as you keep talking So far it just sounds like a bunch of ropes

Enchanted Go enchanted That's right Well they work like one of them ropes That you can command to do stuff. Oh, like a trained snake? Yeah, yeah. They're like trained snake ropes.

They also got another little custom enchantment I put on them where they do a special kind of damage if they start hurting somebody. They can't reverse the damage. Oh, that's good. Messes them up real good. Can they do that silly string effect it's called uh it's called what do you call it that kind of damage like

aggravated like real bad like hurts their blood and stuff so you can you can like choke a guy out and he'll start making faces like that kid know that naked DJ so uh yeah he gives you some he gives you some ropes that yeah you can you can do simple commands with it and it causes uh necrotic damage also all right that's pretty good if it uh necrotic damage ropes that's writing it down right yeah does that go on the right side necrotic damage ropes. That's running it down, right? Yeah. Does that go on the right side? Enchronic damage ropes.

How do you get to use this stuff if we do other danger rooms? Yeah. Future danger room, you can bust this guy out. Combine people with it. You can use it to, like a mage hand, perhaps. We find this valuable. Thanks, guys. Thanks for setting Dincho free. I mean, I hope he

likes his new life in the jungle. I'm sorry he can't keep working as a taxi service. This is very happy. Yeah, he's got a plane to run around. I'll tell you, he's got a lot of energy. He's gonna sleep tonight. With the fishes.

Now I'm getting hungry. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Good night. I got it bad. I got it bad. All right, the tree cheers. Boom! Thanks for listening, everybody.

Yeah, thanks. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for listening to another episode of Nerd Poker. You can follow us at patreon.com slash nerdpoker, and you get bonus episodes from there. And you can also send us anything at P.O. Box 16069 Encino, California, 91416.

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