Newcomers: Scorsese, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - Star Wars Ep. II - Attack of the Clones (w/ Mike Mitchell)

Episode Date: March 3, 2020

Oh boy, this film was so bad that Nicole and Lauren are regretting doing this podcast. Mike Mitchell (Love, Doughboys podcast) joins us in an attempt to defend what is universally considered the worst prequel in Star Wars. They discuss the odd dialogue, lack of Jar Jar Binks, and questionable romance subplot. Plus, the girls fantasize about 69-ing the sexy Kaminoan alien race, Mike shares some pornographic Star Wars images, and breaks down how Star Wars fans are so divided.Check out Mike Mitchell's other Headgum podcast, Doughboys.Sources for this episode:Jar Jar Binks on set photoMovie Mistakes Attack of the Clones triviaAttack of the Clones IMDBAttack of the Clones WookieepediaRoger Ebert ReviewRolling Stone ReviewSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Do you have any idea who's behind this attack? We will find out who's trying to kill you, Padme. I promise you. Escort the senator back to Naboo. She'll be safer there. I do not like this idea of hiding. Sometimes we must do what is requested of us. How dangerous and disturbing this puzzle is. You're using her as bait. I'm a Jedi.

A Jedi? What do you know? Follow that speeder. He went that way. This is a shortcut, I think. Anakin, how many times will you tell me? Stay away from the park, couplet. We decided to come and rescue you.

Good job. Hello. Hello. Hello. And welcome to Newcomers. I'm Lauren Lapkin. I'm Nicole Byer. And we've never seen Star Wars. So we decided that we wanted to watch them all. And talk about it.

And boy, do we regret it. Yeah. I'm back to regretting it. I know. Me too after this one. Oh, boy. We watched Star Wars Episode II, Attack of the Clones. And that movie.

It's too. Wait, we have a guest. Well, let's introduce him. Okay. We're joined by Mike Mitchell from the Doughboys podcast. He's from Love on Netflix. He's in the midst of shooting a very cool new movie, which we don't have to talk about if it's a secret.

I don't know. Oh, no. Yeah, no. Well, cool new movie, which we don't have to talk about if it's a secret. I don't know. Well, I was going to say, you didn't have to introduce. I would happily sit here and listen to the whole podcast. We did the whole thing. Yeah, imagine. Mitch has been here the whole time. He's listening. I had a big smile on my face. That's his kink. He's also

wearing a Yoda hat. He is, and we're going to get a picture of it. I love it. This movie was so fucking long, first of all. It's two hours and 20 minutes. It felt like four hours and 90 minutes. It felt like days. It felt like so long. It felt so long.

Four hours and 90 minutes? Very specific. It was very long. It kept going. I put it on when I was fully ready to watch it. And then by hour one, like an hour in, I was like falling asleep, couldn't even keep my eyes open. Then I kept checking the time, which was like a punishment to myself because I would see that there was somehow always an hour and 40 minutes left. It was like watching the first movie where time was added to the movie.

It was nuts. last. Yes, it was like watching the first movie where time was added to the movie. Yes. It was nuts. And then I was excited in the beginning because we got Jar Jar a little bit and I was like, ooh, Jar Jar's back. And then Jar Jar was in none of the movie. That's true. It was kind of nice

to see Jar Jar as much as like people hate Jar Jar. It was like, that's a fun character. Yes. If there's going to be a literal cartoon walking around with these people. I mean, I want to hear when you have this. Do you hate Jar Jar? I mean, I heard that you guys loved Jar Jar.

I feel fine about Jar Jar. Yeah, and Nicole specifically loves Jar Jar. Love Jar Jar. Jar Jar in this movie, like, makes a huge mistake. Yes, he does. It's insane. Yes. Which I don't know if that was because of the reaction to him in the first movie.

Because people didn't like Jar Jar. Well, yes. And he foolishly gives power to Palpatine. But people hated Jar Jar. Do you remember this at all? Yes. We got into it a bit. Do you remember this at all?

I knew the character because people hated it. Yes, that's why I knew it. I didn't know Star Wars, but I would know everyone hates Jar Jar Binks. That's just a known fact. He's fun. He is fun. He's really fun. Jar Jar is fun.

It was an overreaction. I think so. And then Ahmad Best, that's the guy who played Jar Jar. He's a great physical comedian. Yes, yeah. I bet you if C-3PO wasn't in the first ones and then they brought him into Phantom Menace, people would have been like, what the fuck is this guy?

It's just because it was new. There's some C-3PO in this movie as well. There is C-3PO and he comes too late. I was like, what? It was random. He also had his worst look yet. He was not shiny. And he also had his worst look yet.

He was not shiny. No. I don't know what. Parts of him were missing. Oh, wait. Okay, so Mitch, you like this movie? I can defend this movie. Okay, that's a very specific response. You guys have now watched what some people, I mean, which a lot of people consider the worst Star Wars movie.

Attack of the Phones? Yes. People think this is the worst prequel of them all. Well, I'm glad we're on the same page with people on this one. It feels good to at least know that if we're shit-talking something, everyone else feels the same way. Except you, apparently. I mean. You can see why it sucks, but you can defend it.

I think that the issue with the movie is that the first, like, 35 to 40 minutes of it, within the city where they have the chase with the assassin, all that stuff I think is not great. And the death sticks and all that. Let me remind everyone of the plot synopsis really quickly. Set 10 years after the events of The Phantom Menace, the Republic continues to be mired in strife and chaos. A separatist movement encompassing hundreds of planets and powerful corporate alliances poses new threats to the galaxy that even the Jedi cannot stem. These moves, long planned by an as yet unrevealed

and powerful force, lead to the beginning of the Clone Wars and the beginning of the end of the Republic. Okay, so that's kind of the loose, I mean, we have pages that describe pages and pages of shit it's it was honestly i found it pretty confusing yes too much was happening it was way too long it was like i felt like hayden christensen i started to understand what that the point of that storyline was like midway through. Hayden Christensen. I forgot that he's Darth.

Not to be rude. Is maybe the worst actor of our generation. Well, look. Wait. My God. Okay. I just got to say. You were heavy breathing over there. He's panicking.

I mean, you're also, I'm like holding in laughter because you're right. Natalie Portman. Oh, it's not good. Is a great, and you know that she's a great actor. She is a great actress. And I kind of want to give Hayden Christensen the same. Okay. Because I remember him in other things.

Was he in Life is a House? That was a movie I loved when I was younger. I don't remember. With Kevin Kline and it's like, whatever. Wasn't he in Jumper or Leaper? We can't even name a movie he was in, but we want to defend him. I believe it was Jumper. Natalie Portman I think is

really great in so many things this is the weirdest it was as if the note was like have no expression ever yes never modulate

your voice at all but yet she kind of talks like she's very present day like yes it was very confusing

the only actor in this movie who understood the tone of the movie was Palpatine. And I think it's because he was in the original ones. He was the only person where I was like, I buy everything you're saying. You're doing a great job. I think Christopher

Lee also does a good job. Who's Christopher Lee? He's Dooku. Who's Dooku? Let me see a picture. Which one's Dooku? Pull up Dooku. Oh, Dooku is the Jedi that started getting the clones? Yes. Oh, okay.

He's a... Yes, he does a pretty decent job, too. Also, Yoda fighting was the most insane thing I've ever seen. Oh, Yoda flying around? That was the silliest thing I've ever seen. I couldn't handle it. I watched it with John Milhiser, who likes Star Wars. He was like, when I saw it in the theater, everybody cheered.

And I was like, really? That's so funny. I wanted to ask, so did you see this when it first came out? So for me, this is one of the only—I pulled up a picture of Christopher Lee for you, by the way. Oh, yeah, that guy, yeah. This, for me, is one of the only Star Wars movies I don't think I saw in the theater. Okay, so it came out in 2002. My question about this as I was watching it,

and I feel like this has come up on other episodes, but like, so the CGI stuff bothers me a lot. Mm-hmm. Now, my question is, at the time,

did people think, wow, that looks real? Or did they think, wow, this is the best CGI we've ever had? I think people were probably like, this looks real, right? Right, because isn't that weird

to go, this looks real, and it's like because isn't that weird to go, this looks real, and it's like clearly bad? Well, I'll say this. Mitch is trying to speak so much. I know, I know. Wait, what are you, what are you? No, I love, I love hearing this. I think that the CGI,

especially in that first city scene, I think it does look kind of like, like a computer game, and it doesn't look good. That explosion in the beginning, and then when the Princess Amidala double is on the ground with her hair, she looked like a cartoon.

Oh my God, I know. Like her hair blown out. There were so many cartoon things. And then her shoes were blown off. It was very funny. How about Rose Byrne? Yeah, Rose Byrne is Dorme. Dorme should be illegal.

That Keira Knightley, Rose Byrne, and Natalie Portman, all three have careers. They're the same person. I know, you have to only let one do it. Yes. Yeah. I mean, come on now.

I know. They're all the same. Rose Byrne, it was kind of interesting because this was way before she was really known. And she has a very small part. But it was, at first I wasn't sure it was her, but I was excited to know that it was. And then I thought about her being on set and how that must have been exciting. And like on set, like surrounded by just like a green stage and green blocks. Right. It must have been exciting. And like on set like surrounded by just like a green stage and green blocks.

It must have been insane. I always forget that too that like there's nothing around them for real. There's like no practical sets basically. It's very, it's strange to think about also Ewan McGregor I think is a great actor and some of these line reads and then everyone calling each other master. I was like this is kinky.

It's weird. I felt like it was weird that Natalie Portman's a senator. I was like can we, everything's made calling each other master. I was like, this is kinky. It's weird. I felt like it was weird that Natalie Portman's a senator. I was like, everything's made up in this world. Make a fake word. It doesn't mean the same thing, so just make it a senadoo. A senadoo. I'm a senadoo. I'm a senadoo.

How about when they kiss? Oh, my God, you guys. I was kind of excited for some romance, because we haven't had any in a bit. This is the most romance heavy of... Oh, is it? Yeah. And they did a bad job. And they got married. So much happened. Too much happened. Also... Are you guys over it already? Are we done?

No, no, no. Okay, let's walk through it a little bit. Let's walk through the beginning, okay? Okay, so how does it start? Ten years after the Trade Federation's invasion of Naboo? Mm-hmm. Naboo. Naboo?

Or Naboo? Which one is it? The Galactic Republic. Mitch corrected me earlier. He did. It was so rude. Naboo. The Republic is threatened by the Separatist movement, organized by Jedi Master Count Dooku.

Who's allegedly dead, right? Huh? I don't know. Isn't Dooku supposed to be dead, but then they find him in the galaxy? Did I make that up? Maybe. Is there a thing where he's supposed to be dead? I don't know. Isn't Dooku supposed to be dead, but then they find him in the galaxy? Did I make that up? Maybe. Is there a thing where he's supposed to be dead? I don't know. I don't remember that.

Because Ewan McGregor didn't. He was like, what? He's still alive? Oh, okay. Yeah. Right? Because otherwise Ewan McGregor would be like, this lost Jedi, we found him. Right?

Okay. Yes. That's fair. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's gone away. He was missing or something. You're right.

Look. Look. I don't take in everything either. That's fair Oh yeah Yeah he's like gone away He was missing or something You're right Look there's a lot Look I don't take in everything either I'm not some sort of Episode 2 Genius This is the thing The fucking scrolls Start to the beginning

And go I can't even read this It was a lot It's so fucking dense Ryan Perez Made a great point About Star Wars scrolls And that when they

Don't make sense That's when it's the best And when you understand it You're like This is like I shouldn't understand What about Star Wars scrolls and that when they don't make sense, that's when it's the best. And when you understand it, you're like, this is like, I shouldn't understand what the Star Wars scroll is. Interesting, because one thing that's been surprising through this whole journey of watching these has been how much I do understand. Yes. I was like, the first one's pretty straightforward and like it's boring, but whatever. So boring.

I thought because I was on the outside of this thing for so long that it was like stuff I would never understand and when you watch it you're like I get it I get it well they're like putting the pieces together

for like like the whole concept of this prequel is like that like democracy like always kind of

collapses and doesn't work with these powerful people and people take advantage of the system and this is like the most like putting things in place here and there's like a lot

of fucking boring like like meetings between all these people the trade federation people and they're so like real feeling like they're so long and boring I'm like wow it's like a real meeting happened well I keep saying George Lucas I think believes that movies have to

happen in real time. He does. He does. He was like, well, it takes two hours and 20 minutes for this story to happen in real time. But in those meetings, there's like the techno droid man. There's like fun stuff. There are some cute little things happening. No, there were things that got my attention peaked a little bit.

Okay, so Senator Padme Amidala, who's Natalie Portman, comes to Coruscant to vote on a motion to create an army to assist the Jedi against the threat. Coruscant. Coruscant, thank you. Narrowly avoiding an assassination attempt upon her arrival, she is placed under the protection of Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and his apprentice, 19-year-old Anakin Skywalker. I was pretty excited about the fact that he was 19. Yes. You freaks. Just that he was a hot young guy.

Yeah. But I kept thinking about how later he's going to be that purple head when they take off his mask. Now, how does that check out? He's hot. Then he gets the Darth mask. He has a purple neck explosion. It's very gross. As a fan Irishman, it's pretty normal for your head to turn more and more purple as you get older.

So I can relate to that. You get it. So in the third one, we're going to see how he turns into bubblegum. You might see how he turns. I don't want to spoil anything for you. No, don't spoil it. Okay, yeah, don't. Okay, so the two Jedi thwart a second attempt on her life and subdue the assassin.

Were they sent two centipedes to try to get her? That was my favorite part. I liked seeing the bed. I liked seeing her room. I felt like we don't usually get to see stuff like that. It was a nice bed. It was big and luscious. It looked cozy and it looked current.

But then I was like, why don't you lay down in your bed? I get it was for camera, but just reposition the camera so she's laying down sleeping. Right. I thought she was, what do you mean? She was like half up, half down. You know what I hated? Her suitcase. I do that.

Oh my God. Why was her suitcase worse than mine? Her suitcase was shitty. She only packed two, but homegirl had a headpiece, a giant dress with a bustle under it, and she only packed two suitcases. Get real. And they were like a normal like rolly suitcase with no wheels. I was like, this should be a perfect

circle that is a robot that follows her and she doesn't have to carry it. And in the future, I still have to fold clothes. Right. This makes no sense. I've never even noticed that she had a suitcase. Oh my God. That's like my main takeaway. Her suitcase looked like it was from the Marshalls Reject section. It truly did.

Can I just say that this Yoda hat is getting itchy and I don't have any my replacement hat is in the car and I can't take it off let's just see your hair I don't think I've seen your hair it's insane I haven't cut my hair let's find out your hair's so long it's so long it's so long

it's very long it doesn't look crazy it looks good I'm also so mad at myself for correcting you with Coruscant that I was so afraid that people would be like, he doesn't know it. You have to correct us. If I say it wrong and then people listen, and then you didn't say it, oh my God, you have to correct us. I'll also probably be corrected too.

Star Wars is scary. That's why we're terrified. This hasn't come out yet, but these people are listening to us. They're five, six episodes in and we have no idea how it's been going. Oh, God. Oh, boy. The bed should have been floating. How about that? There should have been a floating bed. I agree. I would have loved a floating

bed. It would have been very nice. Anything like that where they could have a little fun, that's what I want. I want there to be some little cute adjustments made. Well, there was one. They take a boat somewhere and the boat is shaped like the most insane way and I was like ooh that must have been a fun production meeting

where they're like can we just have a boat and no it's gotta be shaped with like a little ladle handle I felt like where they were well I guess we're getting ahead of ourselves but so Anakin comes in we don't look I guess I'm supposed to know right off the bat that he's Darth Vader but I did not remember that.

It's hard to remember because he's so stupid and like wide eyed and he's like, oh boy, all I want to be is right next to Natalie Portman. I like her so. He's so obsessed with her that I kind of forgot he had a bad side and was going to be bad. He said he thought about her every day for 10 years. Get a hobby. Totally. Aren't you training to be a Jedi? Wait, you're not supposed to tell women that? And his accent

is like New York or something. It's weird. It goes in and out of a New York and then like a Midwest. It's so wild. Master. I love it. I love it so much. I thought about it every day. It does sound like he's trailing off quite a bit. Look, he does not come off well in this movie.

No. So he's basically not bad up until midway through, right? Yeah. So he's on the good side for the whole beginning. He's helping to protect her. And they have meetings. what are the meetings about the meetings are about the the jedi council meeting yeah to for for hayden uh i'm sorry uh anakin to uh to like protect natalie portman's for to protect padme and he's very like um he thinks

really highly of himself and he's like i actually feel like I'm already better than my master. Like I know more than him. Also, Palpatine's been gassing him up. Because I think Palpatine at one point is like, you are better. You're a great Jedi. So I think he was putting those seeds. Or Millhiser told me this. It's not my thoughts.

This is great. He was putting seeds in his little brain to be like, I am powerful. I am badass. So then it would be easier to turn him to the dark side. Yes. Okay. They think that Anakin, I mean,

obviously he's very powerful and, and, and they, but they think that he can, they can, he can be turned to the dark side pretty easily. Not easily, but they,

they, but like, because he's young and, and Dooku, which, which you see later, like he, he likes,

he likes Obi-Wan it seems like he's like join me but I'm getting ahead of myself because Yoda has said Obi-Wan is very powerful so that's

I think that's why he's trying to turn him also we get to see little Jedi kids that was delightful that was fun younglings I wanted more Jedi kids

they're called younglings they're called younglings that sounds delicious there you go younglings a youngling potato I kind of wait what is an actual potato?

Fingerling. Yeah. Can I just tell you something now? I won't spoil anything. Okay. But something happens in episode three with all the younglings. Oh, no. Something bad?

I'm not saying if it's good or bad. Okay. I'm just saying there's like a big. I'm just saying there's a big scene with the younglings. Okay. I'm pretty excited. It's going to be like Ewoks where they're all running around and they have like a treehouse.

That would be fun. That'd be so cute. I wish I could tell you guys. Man, I really want to tell you what happens. This is sad for me. We honestly need any sort of delight that can await us so I can't let you tell us. We have to have something positive to look forward to. I can't wait for you to see it. That's all I'll say. Wait, what's the next one called?

Revenge of the Sith. Revenge of the Sith, yes. I was thinking Rise because of the rise of Skywalker. Revenge of the Sith. Okay, so the two Jedi thwart a second attempt on her life and subdue the assassin Zam Wessel. She is killed by her client, a bounty hunter, before she can reveal her identity. The Jedi Council instructs Obi-Wan to find the bounty hunter while Anakin is tasked to protect Padme and escort her back to Naboo

where he expresses his romantic feelings for her oh my god all of these scenes in Naboo are just ridiculous also the way Anakin comes on to her over and over and over again and she's like no thank you no thank you but then it works out yeah I was like a good lesson yeah persistence is key but i will say she was wearing a real sexy leather outfit like in front of a fireplace and

i was like well you are sending kind of mixed signals i mean look she was like a dominatrix you look so good she's like wearing crop tops 90 of the time oh I love when she gets hit with that thing and it perfectly rips her shirt for a nice little midriff. Yes. Natalie Portman, she's very pretty. She's gorgeous. She's so pretty. Oh, yeah.

It's not weird to say. Thank you. I'm sure people were saying it from when she was 10. But, you know, she's... I mean, the performance, again, is... I feel like it's going to be very hard to act in these movies, in these scenarios, because it feels like Ewan McGregor is a good actor too, and he does an okay job. I don't know. I had almost the opposite thought, but it doesn't make sense.

I was thinking, it seems like it'd be easy to act in these scenes because you don't do anything. However, the takeaway is everyone did a bad job seems like it'd be easy to act in these scenes because you don't do anything. However, the takeaway is everyone did a bad job, so it's not easy. Our feeling is like, it should be easy because you're just being monotone. But then in the moment that probably feels like nothing, and then you're like, you don't even know how to express

any sort of emotion with that sort of tone. I feel like the direction should not have been monotone. It was so, again, Palpatine is the only one who I think, oh, and then. Christopher Lee. Doku were the only two people who I thought were like, who used language in a way that I was like, oh, I understand exactly what you're trying to do. Well, like, you know that part where Anakin starts like yelling and throwing stuff.

Oh boy. That was horrible. Oh boy. I don't believe it at all. No. But I thought, well, he hasn't even raised his voice once throughout this whole thing I hate it I really do

why do I gotta be like this are you in a 1950s play I killed them I killed them all the men the women the children all of them and then Patty is just like it's okay.

And she still wants to marry him. I was like, he's showing you all the red flags. Yeah, I'm like, he drove away on a scooter to find his lost mother. He murdered a village. And then she's all cut up. And then she's like, I love you. And he's like, got a murder. Okay, well, let's keep going.

Okay, so Obi-Wan's investigation leads him to the mysterious ocean planet of Kamino. All right, so now for me, I think that the movie starts picking up when we get to Kamino. Which one is Kamino? Kamino is the one with a bunch of water. It's like raining constantly. Oh, I loved them. Oh, they were fun. But I was like, they should have a moisture farm there.

There's a lot of moisture there and then they could send it to Anakin's planet. They should start playing basketball, those guys. They're all very tall. They're so hot. They're very tall. They were kind of sexy. They were. One was like, what?

No, I weirdly kept thinking about what it'd be like to make out with them. Right? Me too! I was like, dude. Wait, what? I would have to get on an Apple box. I don't know. I don't know why. But I was like, their I would have to like get on an apple box I don't know like I don't know why

but I was like their nose like connects to their mouth and I was like that's kind of hot well hold on now hold on a second you'd have to get on

an apple box which means that you're making out with them on set are you making out with them in costume or are you making out with the actual aliens

the actual aliens I would want the aliens because they know things we don't know and that's attractive and then I just really liked is this a normal thing that you thought about

what would be like making all the aliens honestly I feel normal because Nicole thought it too I thought it was weird and you know what a bunch of tweets are going to roll in

from a bunch of women who are like I thought it too yeah I love those aliens there was something about the way they moved they moved so fluidly

one was wearing leggings and I liked those skinny little legs and i like those skinny little legs and they're like skinny little neck and head i don't know it was like i love that and then i was like maybe their necks retract to come down to kiss you yeah we don't know how they fuck we don't know how they fuck it's so crazy that i'm like in my mind i'm like man it's hard to like get a get into a relationship get things going and then you guys daydream about kissing camino aliens uh-huh yeah the hell i just think it would be really like tender there was something about them yeah Yeah, I don't, I can't, the silverness or something, I don't know. They were really just sexy. So they hire

Jango Fett Yeah. to He was a bounty hunter. He was a bounty hunter and then they clone him and then this was confusing to me.

So Doku Yeah. went to the sexy aliens and said I want clones so then the sexy aliens find J, I want clones. So then the sexy aliens find

Jango, bring Jango to their planet, and then clone Jango. Yeah, Jango Fett. Jango Fett. And, yeah, well, this is complicated because this is like a whole It's a whole big planet. They're basically

starting a war. Yes. Palpatine is basically just starting a war. And then, are these stormtroopers? Are they going to end up being stormtroopers? Because that's what they reminded me of.

You're onto something for sure. I mean, I don't want to spoil anything, but like, I mean like, yes, I mean, you're right.

I mean, for everyone watching this movie at this point, it was like, oh, those are future stormtroopers, but do they turn into the actual stormtroopers?

I don't know. You'll see in the next movie. Okay. And then Jango Fett was like, oh, those are future stormtroopers. But do they turn into the actual stormtroopers? I don't know. You'll see in the next movie. Okay. Okay. And then Jango Fett was like, sure, I'll do this. Also, I need a clone. But like, don't alter him. He wanted like a son.

So then we get Boba Fett. Yeah. Who you got. You guys have watched. You've seen Return of the Jedi, right? Boba Fett is like, everyone loves Boba Fett. Yeah, and then he dies super quick. And you don't know anything about Boba Fett.

This was like more of, yeah, this was like 80s and early 90s. I mean, they loved him forever, but it just became a thing of like, Boba Fett's cool when he has a jet pack and he's the one who got Han Solo and the Carbonite and stuff. This is what I love, because It all ends up being that simple. Yeah. Like for years, everyone's like Boba Fett. I'm like, that word means nothing. Like it sounds complicated.

It's like, he has a jet pack. It's like, it's that simple. He has a jet pack. Was that your impression of me? We have to take a break. Okay. Okay. If you're wondering what a NordVPN is, I'll tell you.

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And then we, wait, Jango's ship is called the Slave One? Yes. Yeah, I didn't catch that right. Jango's ship is the Slave One? Yeah. Is that Jango Unchained?

Is that connected? Maybe. Oh my God, maybe Quentin Tarantino stole it from there. Whoa. I think, well, do you want me to

tell you what I think? Yes. It's the most wrong thing I've ever heard no we don't want you to tell us what you think alright I also think Jenga may be related to Jengo Jenga Fett Jenga Fett

that should be a game Jenga Fett so then his clone son Boba Fett and Jenga Fett. So then his clone son, Boba Fett, and Jango Fett. Now I'm confused about what his name is. I'm thinking Jango. I'm getting confused. It's Jango Fett.

Jango Fett. And then they go to the rock planet, and then they're trying to kill Obi-Wan. Hold on. They go through the asteroid field, you're saying. Yeah, and then he keeps trying to kill him with the booms. Yeah. That's cool, right? That was pretty cool.

Yeah, that was cool. I thought the fight with Jango Fett on Kamino was kind of cool, too, in the rain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was pretty fun. Which one's Kamino? The one where it's all neon? Kamino's the rainy planet. It's where the aliens are that you want to make hell with.

Oh, yeah, I love them. But then I was like, so there's a full-ass fight happening outside, and these aliens are hearing doof, doof, doof on the the roof and they're not like going outside to be like what's up? I mean, that's a good point, yeah. So what happens next? This is where, okay, this is when

Anakin goes to his mom, right? Yeah, because he's been like thinking about his mom for a while so then he was like I guess I should like go visit her. And at this point I remembered

that he was going to become Darth Vader and I thought okay, when she starts to die I go, don't tell me that her dying is all that it takes for him to go to the dark side. I thought, okay, when she starts to die, I go, don't tell me that her dying is all that it takes for him to go to the dark side. I mean, honestly, it is. And it was.

No, no, he's not on the dark side yet. But he went fucking nuts and started killing people. He murdered the whole Tusken Raiders. The Tusken Raiders are... Which sounds like a football team. That's very funny. That seems very almost planned out, and it was not at all

it wasn't at all no we truly just had the same thoughts watching this movie yeah we wanna fuck the silver guys

oh man so bad and I can't wait to watch the Tusken Raiders at the Super Bowl it went it went from why don't you make out

with the silver long man and now you wanna straight up fuck them well I wanna 69 them because I think that they could totally curl up into a weird position. It would work. Oh, boy. If you 69 them, their heads would be a foot away from the bottom of your feet.

No, we think that our necks would go like... Or they can move. Yeah. I think it would be so great. And what about their tongues? We don't even know what those look like. You could probably just do missionary and then they could bend their heads down to like your butt. Wow, probably, yeah.

They could do a full like question mark position where they're like at the base and the top at the same time. I'd be afraid to see what they have down there. I think something fun. You think something fun? I bet it's like a rocket dick. Yeah, like a big, fat rocket dick. Blasts off right into you. Do you want me to Google to see if I can find any Kamino aliens?

Yes, please. Like porn. See if their jizz looks like when Alex Mack turns into a silver blob and moves from one location to another. Oh boy, I just passed away. That was very funny. That's how Alex Mack, is it Alex Mack or Alice Max? Alex. It's not Alice Max.

It'd be a shitty name. Hi, I'm Alice Max. Okay, so then after he kills those Tusken Raiders, but then we find out that Anakin's mom was sold that, uh, the Jewish man sold her.

Uh, the Jewish. Oh my God. That thing is. What? He's funny. He's funny. He's wild.

He is. He is. She, she was a slave. It is fucked up. I mean, he, that,

that whole thing is fucked up and Anakin should maybe want to kill Watto. Yeah. They just have like a weird conversation where he's like, you sure grew up. He's like, oh, you a Jedi? There's people who owe me money. Okay. We get it. You like money.

That scene really felt like a video game where like you approach the hut. You have to have a way too long conversation. They give you all the information. You have to to get through all that before you can pass by i was like go go go like i don't care i don't need him to like tell us his life story well you sure look different anakin haven't seen you since before it's like he passed past past yeah we yeah it could have been very quick also well i just want to say that i found the comedo aliens and there's plenty see we're not crazy yeah we're normal yeah there's a lot well show me one thing god yeah show us one thing well there's here's here's a female damn wait let me see okay here's the

female like ripped and naked oh boy and then well then then there's this this one okay it's like ripped and naked. Oh boy. And then, well, then there's this, this one. Okay. It's like a reptile. Here's Obi-Wan having sex with one. Whoa. Okay, wait. That's a little too, let's see it. Let's see it.

We just have to see it to judge it. Yeah, you know, just want to see. Okay, here we go. Here it is. That's Obi-Wan having sex with it. There's a more graphic one that I didn't show you guys. Oh my goodness. She's like mounting him on his lap and she's facing out. And then there is,

there is, there is a, there is one, there is a, there is a penis. I don't want to. Well, I got to see that.

We need to know. You only keep showing us the female ones and it feels, it feels pretty, I'm in trouble? Well, we just,

we talked about the dick and it seems like you're afraid to share it. Well, here's the, here's the deal is that you were right. It is, it's basically a rocket dick. Hell yeah, dude. we talked about the dick and it seems like you're afraid to share it well here's the deal is that you were right it is

it's basically a rocket dick hell yeah dude that's a nice dick let's see that's insane it's a big ol' honking dick

whoa hell yeah I'll take it mama mia one please oh my god Jesus Christ that thing looks good

just very horny. Yeah. All right. Well, we'll be looking at that later. Did you know what the world is? Why? Everything exists. Why not?

We did a fan fiction episode where we read and wrote our own Star Wars fan fiction. Yes, Lauren and I thought fan fiction was only the nasty ones. And then Madeline was like, no, no, you can write something nice. She wrote like a thoughtful piece. Ours was like, they jizzed and then they jizzed more. It was like blue milk. Oh, we get to see blue milk. That is true.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is that when they go back to Uncle Owen? Yes, yes, yes. So the guy was like, I'm your half brother. That's who raises Luke Skywalker, right? And then that's who gets murdered later in A New Hope. Oh, yeah. Uncle Owen, yes. So the guy was like, I'm your half brother. That's who raises Luke Skywalker, right? And then that's who gets murdered later in A New Hope. Oh, yeah.

Uncle Owen, yes. Oh, okay. Then there's Shmi's like boyfriend, right? Oh, that one-legged man? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that was pretty devastating that he only had one leg and couldn't look for her anymore and then when he finds her after he hops off the scooter

and finds her she's all like cut up in the weirdest way possible also she's like the only prisoner that's weird why do they want her? I don't know that's a good question I mean the Tusken Raiders are like that's why it's not they're like known to be like crazy and like kind of

monsters so when he massacres the Tusken Raiders it is a bad it's a bad moment not they're like known to be like crazy and like kind of monsters so when he when he when he massacres the tuscan raiders it is a bad it's a bad moment because i mean especially because he's killing the children of these tuscan raiders but they are like known to be kind of like these like ruthless monsters in the universe so oh wait have we talked about how anakin and uh what's her name padme literally roll around in fields have we talked about that what part is that that's when they're in her home planet and they're truly like when they're riding the cows yeah he rides this big fucking cow he like falls down she's like anakin no and then she like runs over and then he like rolls over and he's like and then she like falls on him and then they roll

literally roll around. I honestly feel like I missed this part. All of you. I don't remember them riding a cow. I watched the film. They ride those big fat cows. They ride big big cows. I gotta see it to believe it. Oh, I kind of do. Oh, they're really big.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember this. And also there's either right before that or right afterwards. This is a famous, this is the thing that people talk about a lot, but Anakin talks about

how he doesn't like sand. He's like, I don't like sand. That part was crazy. Where she was like, I love water. Yes. And he's like,

I don't like sand, but you're not like sand. And I was like, does he relate everything to sand? Yeah. Sand is grainy. Milk's not grainy. Milk isn't like sand.

It's like, what are you talking about? And I guess he doesn't like sand because he grew up on that moisture farm in Sandland. No, wait, that's Luke. Where did he grow up? But don't you feel like the sand... In Sandland. Don't you feel like the sand... Is it Anikin's from Sandland?

Tatooine. Oh, yeah, Anikin's from Sandland. What? Is it Tatooine? Yes. Yeah, yes. I just felt really cool that I knew that yeah. Anakin's from Sandland. What? Is it Tatooine? Yes. Yeah, yeah. I just felt really cool when I knew that.

That you knew the Sandland name? Don't you feel like the sand isn't the kind of sand at the beach where it gets in your butt crack? It feels like she was saying it gets everywhere. I was like, no, it doesn't.

I just don't buy that. You're walking around fully clothed all the time. They're like, it's not like they're laying around in it. Correct. It just was a weird analogy. They're not going swimming

and getting wet. It's weird to think of Star Wars characters also getting sand in their butt. Yeah, I just don't think it does. Like it just, it falls right off. I think Sandland

is a good theme park, Adam Sandler themed theme park. The Sandman Sandland. Sandman Sandland. I would go there. Honestly. The Little Nicky drop or something,

I don't know. Honestly, Little Nicky is such a funny movie. I haven't watched that in so long. It got such a bad rap. Popeye's chicken fucking rocks. I know't know. Honestly, Little Nicky is such a funny movie. I haven't watched that in so long. It got such a bad rap. Popeye's chicken fucking rocks.

I know. I love it. Okay, well, I feel like we should get to the point. So they, then they have the whole thing where they're like going to be fighting to the death

on those like, like in a sort of gladiator ring. Is that next? Yeah, that was kind of confusing as to how all of them got there. Yeah, the Coliseum scene. See, at this point, I like this movie. I officially am on board with this movie.

Okay. I know that there is like a CG 3PO with getting tossed around and his head gets changed. And his head was then put on something else. And then he's like, I'm going to kill everyone. Oh, who am I? He's so silly. And then he's like, I'm going to kill everyone. Oh, who am I? He's so silly. And then he's like,

R2-D2, oh, he's getting into trouble. And I was like, no, R2's like pretty much a catalyst for getting you into trouble. R2 knows what he's doing. R2 doesn't even say anything, man. No, yeah, leave him alone. I know.

And then that big stamping thing, that conveyor belt. Yeah, when they were stuck in the conveyor belt, that part was scary but also because it looked so fake I was like, whatever. This is where I feel like we really need

the practical effects. If you're going to be about to be killed by a machine I want to feel like the pressure is on. Anakin gets his hand caught and then just pulls it away.

And then he has like a jeweled claw when he's getting married. I don't know if you noticed that. Wait, hold on. There's a reason for that. We'll get to that.

Have you guys ever been in a factory? They are scary like that. I can't say that I have. I have never been in a factory. But I do think if it was like a practical factory, it would have been a little bit more scary. Yes. Also, why were they filling up them big cups with hot lava?

I know. And then R2 was like, don't do that one. She's in there. I was like, oh, thanks, buddy. And R2's flies. Yeah. I didn't know R2 flies. No one knew that.

Wait, when does it happen where Yoda starts fighting the dude? Oh, that's a little bit later. No, that's a little bit later. That's after the Coliseum where they release like the big bug, the big warthog, and then something else. The big cat. Oh, yeah. It's very sad to me that the big cat gets like killed, I think, pretty much first. Yeah, immediately.

Yeah. And then there's like a bunch of bugs watching. Yeah. And then the Asian aliens make a comeback because we needed that again. Oh, dear God. It's like a pretty. Oh, yeah. That was fucked up.

Heavy Asian accent. I know. I didn't like that. Well, I wouldn't have minded if they were actually Asian. Yeah. Like Asian actors. It seemed like a racist voice. Yeah.

It was very strange. Well, I'm not going to jump on board and say I actually like them. I'll agree with you. They're my favorite. Okay, so then we get towards the end. And then who knew Princess Amidala could fight? We're trying to skip an hour ahead. You guys hate this movie.

But truly, who knew Padme or whatever could fight? It's so tedious. It was wild. The Colosseum is fun. That scene is fun. It's a little fun. It was a little fun, but it felt random. It kind of was like, why are they in this now?

Like, I just didn't really get it. And then I was like, why didn't Dooku just kill them? Why did he think... He was like, she'll die. Yeah. They were waiting for her to die and then didn't happen. She didn't die. Well, he's like...

He kind of gives them the... He's like an idealist. He gives them the, he gives, he basically gives them an ultimatum of like, rejoin me or whatever, I won't kill you. I think he gives it to Obi-Wan and to. But why doesn't he just kill them as opposed to putting them in this like

Coliseum gladiator death thing? More fun to watch. It's more fun to watch, yeah. Okay, fair. And also, I mean like, the bottom line is that they don't really want to kill Anakin. i mean anakin they don't want to kill right so they're just trying to kill her yes yeah oh and then while that's happening jar jar binks uh votes to give emergency powers to chancellor palpatine which is like not great so this this is so jar jar

fucks up so bad this is like like this, the beginning of the end. Basically he's, he's, he's given power to, to, to the emperor. I just thought it was really interesting that Padme gave Jar Jar power. Jar Jar is a known goofy,

goofy idiot. He steps in poop and like falls over. Like, why are we giving this man power? This thing, this platypus power? What do you think they were interacting with when Jar Jar was there? Do you think it was a person with a green screen balls on them

or do you think it was like... I think it was my best with like, I think he actually wore a Jar Jar hat. Oh no. I hope there's no footage of that. I hope. Yes, I do. By the way, we skipped over a character that I relate to the most.

I just think that I, if I were to be a character in the Star Wars world, it's Dexter Jetster, the diner owner. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The diner.

I can see. Some of those scenes are just random to me where I'm like, no, there's a diner. Like, I don't know. Anytime there's something like very current, it throws me off. Yeah. It's so random to me where I'm like, no, there's a diner. Like, I don't know. Anytime there's something like very current, it throws me off.

Yeah. It's strange that I feel like that. I like it, but then I'm like, well, then do more of that. Make everything a little bit normal, but a little bit turned on its head. Was the diner where we find out that there's like a Jedi in the galaxy that's not accounted for? Wait, what information did that man give Obi-Wan? I don't remember. Do you remember, Mitch?

Oh, Dexter Jetson. He told him where to find. That planet? He told him where the thing that killed the shapeshifter. I thought the shapeshifter was very pretty. Oh, she was gorgeous. And I was so happy that it was a woman. I was like, that was fun.

She's like a fugly alien monster when she dies, but I still kind of like her. She did shrivel up into a very ugly thing. A changeling? Is that what it was called? Yes, a changeling. Yeah, those were disturbing every time someone died and turned into something else. I found a picture of Ahmed Best

on set and it is actually very funny. Oh my God. I almost wish that's what it really was. Like just a better version of that. That's great. Him wearing, him having a hat on, like a Jar Jar head on his head. Not see his face, but like

a sort of real head like that is kind of cool. That's so funny to put on your costume and then be like I'm an adult. Oh, yeah. That's crazy. I'm going to do this. Because people were so mean about Jar Jar, I think he was kind of – these movies fucked up a lot of people.

They fucked up young Anakin. Yes, Jay Lloyd is the most fucked up of anyone. It sucks. It's a real bummer. It's a bummer. I thought he was good. I thought he acted circles around – Of course.

He's a little kid aiden christiansen being so mean about like a six-year-old is just very not right so then what happens then a big battle so so then so the jedi come yes during the coliseum they get surrounded basically they're done for the jedi come to help him out uh Well, actually the Jedi come to help him out. Then the Jedi gets surrounded. Yes. Mace Windu chops off Jango Fett's head. Yes.

Which is great. Yeah. And then Boba Fett watches. Boba Fett. Yeah. And then Boba Fett later picks up the severed head. Yes. Which is pretty dark.

Probably still inside. Yeah. And then that becomes his helmet. Yeah. Do you think he cleaned it? I don't think so. Or do you think his daddy guts are just surrounding his helmet. Yeah. Do you think he cleaned it? I don't think so. Or do you think his daddy guts are just surrounding his head?

No. It's pretty dark. I feel like it would be hard to get out. The daddy guts? No, the head. Yeah. Oh, the daddy guts. Sorry, daddy guts.

It'd be hard to get that out of there. For sure. You'd have to shake it out or something, I'm sure. He'd get some Clorox wet wipes. He just puts it right on his head. He says, I love my daddy. Or maybe he wears it like Ahmad Best wore the Jar Jar head.

Oh my god, that's very funny to think about. And then they fly off with the Yoda comes with the clones. And they make an escape from there. Yes.

And then somehow she falls down. She falls out of the ship. She falls out of the ship. She falls out of the sand. And then got up like it was fine. Someone's like, you okay? And she's like, and then she got up and ran away. I know.

Another reason for him to hate sand. She fell, she fell right into some sand. She did. But the sand broke her fall. Also, the way she runs away. Her arms are so far away from her body and her strides are so long. John made me rewind it three times. I saw it on his story.

I was wondering, maybe it was hard to run on the sand. Or maybe she's just a weird runner. Maybe. Then they had their wedding, okay? I feel like we can get to that point. Wait, no. We have to do the fight. Oh, my Jesus.

The fight where- Between Yoda? Yoda, Doku, Obi-Wan, and Anakin, where he slices a little bit of Obi-Wan, but somehow doesn't slice an appendage off. Right. And then Yoda's like, boo, boo, boo. Oh, wait, no. Anakin goes, boo, boo, boo, and then fucking slices his whole arm.

Yeah. Slice his arm off. No blood. No. Just bite, bite arm. It's cauterized because of the lightsaber. Oh. There we go.

That makes sense. There we go. And that makes sense with Boba Fett's head, too. All right. Yeah. Answering questions. It's a two-in-one tool. And then Yoda bounces around

like a toy he looks like a little toy it's silly how he's jumping around and flying around it made me laugh really hard I liked it

but I hated Yoda in this movie because I want I like Yoda when he's more real I don't like when Yoda's a total cartoon we don't like it

it's very funny to be like then he bounced around like a little toy it was fake looking and stupid. I like it. Yeah, I wanted a puppeteer to fucking puppeteer him around. And then Doku was just like, oh, I guess you are strong, fucking Yoda.

And then does he just leave? What happens? Wait, yeah? Count Dooku he flies off and because he's about he basically is going to crush Anakin and Obi-Wan and so

Yoda kind of has to relent and then because Yoda he was putting up a fight he could have bested him and then Yoda was pretty strong Yoda was moving could have bested him yeah Yoda was pretty strong Yoda was moving columns and shit I liked when Yoda was like pushing it back at him

like see that's that was kind of fun and I don't think they could have done that with a puppet to watch Yoda's face turn to be like

struggling yeah that was fun I think that after that after Coruscant after the city scene the New Japan scene

yeah that I think the movie's good besides the the kind of dumb romantic elements of it the romance

the romance was what kept me the most interested though I have to say I didn't like it but I liked watching it they had zero chemistry there's no chemistry

there's nothing happening but I was confused about why it was why it was progressing. I was shocked they got married at the end. That part was really weird. And then it just ends on a wedding like boop. They get married in the smallest

wedding. They had no... C-3PO and R2 are there. Someone officiated it. He had a gold skeleton hand. Someone officiates it and then there's... I forget who officiates it. Now I should know. It was kind of a faceless I honestly feel like

they didn't really focus on who it was. But C-3PO and R2-D2 are witnesses. They're the witnesses to the wedding. Because you need two witnesses.

Also we get to learn about the Death Star before they get married. Those little bug people are making a Death Star. Yeah. You want to talk about some of this trivia?

It's kind of fun. Hell yeah dude. Okay so the first scene in which Obi-Wan and Anakin appear was filmed after principal photography had finished. Ewan McGregor had shaven off his beard, so he had to wear a fake one. Now, this is very triggering for you. This is a triggering situation. Because you're in a similar situation in your life.

I think I just lost the role for not being able to shave off my beard for a day. We'll find out. I hope it doesn't go that way. I hope it works out. I appreciate that. i appreciate that i think it will go crazy this town is insane yeah it is it makes no sense it is hollywood hollywood is wild okay so when anakin tells padme that he killed all the tuscan raiders that i killed them i killed them all speech is almost a word for word copy of ralph machio's speech from 1983's the outsidersutsiders. I don't understand why. Why is that?

It's not even like a great speech. No. It's kind of basic. It's pretty bad. Is Outsiders directed by Coppola? No. Yes? I don't know.

They shot this in Sydney, Australia for like a whole summer. And then, okay, it was the Guinness World Record Award winner for highest box office gross for a screenwriter. Oh. And that's George Lucas who wrote it. Wow. Yes. Every single clone trooper was computer generated.

I thought they looked pretty real. Yeah. That was pretty good. That one was pretty cool. Yeah, by the way, it was co-written by George Lucas and Jonathan Hales, but George Lucas directed it. Neither one of them knows what love is.

No, that's true. That is true. Or how people talk to each other. Oh, my God. The Stinkers Bad Movie Awards gave Hayden Christensen the worst supporting actor prize. That's so mean. Did he want a Stinkers? It's so mean to have a Stinkers.

Yeah, like the Razzies. I know. All of it is so mean because I'm like, they worked on this for a very long time. I know. And he has no control over whether it's going to be good. Do you think the stinkers

are going to give me an award for this episode? I hope so. We've nominated you for a stinker match. in the podcast community. Samuel L. Jackson reportedly had

BMF engraved into the handle of his lightsaber. BMF is short for bad motherfucker, which was stitched onto the wallet of Jackson'saber. BMF is short for Bad Motherfucker, which was stitched onto the wallet of Jackson's character Jules in Pulp Fiction. That's fun. Wow.

It's kind of fun to be like, can you get it engraved? I feel like if you were the prop guy and he's like, I want BMF engraved into my lightsaber, I'd be like, okay. This is kind of a pain in the ass. I'm sure the prop master was like, I feel cool. For Samuel L. Jackson, if it's me going like,

can you engrave, like, I love kittens, and it's like a secret trick for me and no one else knows. You're like, no, you don't get to have an Easter egg. We have to fire her. So Francis Ford Coppola did direct Outsiders.

And so like, they're buddies. And I think it's just like a little, maybe that's a little. I guess that would be really cool if you had anything to do with the Outsiders and so like they're buddies and I think it's just like a little maybe that's a little homage I guess that would be really cool if you had anything to do with the Outsiders

you'd be like oh they're giving us a little nod okay on the DVD commentary Anakin's shadow on Tatooine before he leaves

the Lars to find Shmi was not digitally altered to resemble Darth Vader's helmet it was pure coincidence I didn't understand why they zoomed in

on that shadow and I didn't even think it looked like Darth Vader's helmet. It was pure coincidence. I didn't understand why they zoomed in on that shadow. Me either. And I didn't even think it looked like Darth Vader's helmet. Me either. Okay, so the coincidence wasn't pure enough. Jet Lucas, son of George Lucas, appears as a young Jedi Padawan. And then Katie Lucas, George's

daughter, appears as a twink? A twinklet? A twinklet? On the... Say it. Croissant bar. Oh, okay. Core croissant. Croissant.

Oh my God. That's fun though, those kids got to be in the movie. Uh-huh. So Boba Fett is, Jet is spelled like Fett, and Jet, I feel like it's like a combo

between Django and Fett. Maybe. I'm sure it is. Yeah. Sorry, you guys are like, we want to go to bed. I want to go to bed at 1.30.

You know, so the reviews, there's a lot of... People did not like us. Yes. I mean, Roger Ebert, who actually has loved like all of them, he says, it's not what's there on the screen that disappoints me, but what's not there. It is easy to hail the imaginative computer images that George Lucas brings to Star Wars,

Tag of the Clones, to marvel at his strange new aliens in towering cities and sites, such as thousands of clones all marching in perfect ranks into a huge spaceship. To see the beginnings of the dark side in young Anakin Skywalker, I can't read, Skywalker,

all of those experiences are there to be cheered by fans of the Star Wars series, and for them, this movie will affirm their faith. Wait, what, he liked it? Oh, boy. I thought he was saying he didn't like it because he goes, what's not there is what disappointed him. Oh, but that means

he loved it so much he wanted more. I literally thought it was And you guys think Ebert's a fucking idiot, huh? Dude, I love Ebert, but every review of Star Wars has been crazy. I literally thought this was a bad review and I just read a good one. Rolling Stone said,

the big problem aside from the fact that The Matrix and The Lord of the Rings outclassed Lucas at his own game is talk, talk, talk. Even with script help from Jonathan Hales, Lucas still can't write dialogue that doesn't induce projectile vomiting. And the film's visual snap, it was all shot digitally,

leaves emotions at a chilly remove. What helps are cool gadgets and cooler villains, notably the great Christopher Lee as Count Dooku and New Zealander Tamira Morrison as the bounty hunter, Jango Fett, Daddy to clone...

Why do you say Daddy? Daddy to clone son Boba Daniel Logan. Even Ewan McGregor has stopped playing Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi with a stick up his ass. Oh, Ewan McGregor has. This is a little too Rolling Stoney of this review. And it was really chill. They said daddy and stick up your ass. Daddy.

That's really... The Hollywood Reporter says, other than a CG enhanced chase through the airwaves of an urban metropolis near the beginning, the film gets off to a slow start with much exposition and characters getting reacquainted ten years after the events of Phantom Menace. Surprisingly flat-footed dialogue scenes that feature wooden acting,

dreary art direction, and old-fashioned optical wipes are either intended as an homage to the sci-fi of the 50s or reflect the director's impatience with exposition. Anyway, people just... These read like the scrolls. It's so dense and boring.

These reviews are dense and boring, and I don't understand them. I agree. You know what? I wonder if Roger Ebert and George Lucas had a friendship or something. Maybe. He's like, I can't piss off my fucking friend. Because he never... He loves all of them no matter what.

But here's the thing. I think the movie could have been good with better performances. Because Anakin, that's a juicy fucking role if there was some emotion and like excitement and sort of passion there I think I could have gotten more into it if he had been like you know looking at Natalie Portman and being like I

killed them all okay I couldn't help it and I loved every second of it I'm bad you know like there'd be something Lauren that was better than everything he did in the whole movie thank you it's a very strange performance i'll agree with that i like the movie though okay tell us why you like the movie i like the movie because i i kind of have come to appreciate what it is which is kind of like just boring setup to see how things can just like stupidly go wrong and how little little tiny

like small little actions can lead to like a giant war and i think that that was his plan with this i think it's supposed to be drier and then i do think that the movie is if you remove the romantic side of it after after coruscant i do think that the action is pretty good i think that the coliseum scene is good i know that the factory is a little wonky but i think the the action is pretty good. I think that the Coliseum scene is good. I know that the factory is a little wonky, but I think the Kamino is good with the battle with Jango Fett. And then the clone fight at the end. And then we all had fun watching Yoda. I mean, we have to admit that.

Yes, I have to admit I had a great time. Very silly watching the little green guy bounce around with a lightsaber. Yeah, I mean. There's no stick up Ewan McGregor's ass ever there are points in the beginning a little bit okay

and then I think it loosens up towards the elevator scene in the beginning is bad when they first are talking the whole first hour is really hard to get behind but things pick up

a little bit I feel like there are some fun points to the movie some cute little moments I thought the romance was exciting because we've had none

but still it wasn't really what I wanted out of it I felt like she shouldn't have married him no some cute little moments. I thought the romance was exciting because we've had none. Mm-hmm. But still, it wasn't really what I wanted out of it. I felt like she shouldn't have married him. No. I don't know. I mean...

And also, so Darth Vader has an ex-wife? Yes. Well, you'll find out in the next one. But what a crazy thing for... Okay, so Padma, or whatever the fuck her name is,

is like, okay, this dude has been obsessed with me for 10 years, ever since he was a little boy. Yes. He is now grown up. He won't stop hitting on me.

And then I like go to visit his mom and his mother was murdered and then he murdered a village and then he lost his arm. I better marry him. It is weird how much older she is when you think about the previous movie where he's like six

and she's an adult. Yeah, it is. I guess that side of it is a little odd that she's like. She's way older than me. She's now hooking up with this like toddler that she wants new. Yes. And then also, who is doing her hair?

Her hair. There are some points where, first of all, it's totally different from moment to moment. In the beginning, she truly had like an Afro going with braids. And I was like, did she go to Africa and scalp somebody? I did not understand that. It was wild. And then a totally different texture in the next scene. It makes no sense. It's very crazy. Oh you guys are mad at the hair.

Yeah it was weird. A little. It was just like a lot. Just like she had all of these fabulous outfits in two suitcases. Yeah right. There's no way she's doing her hair. Her hair is like in these like everyday dramatic shapes and stuff. It's too much. I don't know how that's happening. We've back to the

suitcase. Her suitcase is so annoying. It makes me so angry. It opens top up which is the only thing that makes it different and it has no wheels and Anakin has to carry them and I'm like this should be a droid. It should be. You should be able to fill R2D2 with all of your clothing.

But aren't suitcase suitcase droid yes those don't exist well they should george lucas i am typing a letter as we speak oh my god i got a letter from nicole i said there shouldn't be a suitcase right i should have thought of this i'm an idiot now now Disney owns the property Very dumb I think the movie could have been better With better direction If we could see Anakin's

Like Being I don't know Hopeful and whimsical He was trying but it didn't convey And then watching a turn Isn't there something to be said that this is this man's creation and vision

and that to me is that's another thing with it is like there are new movies which you guys haven't watched the new movies yet right what do you mean no we're in order yeah

so the new movies are like there are all these Disney movies and I don't like the new movies and there's obviously this great divide which you guys will probably know some of but I don't know anything I movies and there's obviously this great divide which you guys will probably know some of but

I don't know anything I have not been following so there's people who hate the prequels and think the prequels suck and there's people who defend the prequels I'm kind of in the middle

where I'm like I enjoy the prequels but I know that they're not the best movies then there's people who love the new Disney Star Wars movies and then there's people

who hate them and there's kind of like a divide between everyone and it gets kind of toxic in divide between everyone uh and it gets kind of toxic in some areas it's really it's really crazy whole fandom i would say is pretty toxic so do you like the mandalorian i i liked a couple episodes of it have you watched that yet or not i haven't watched it yet but i will probably have to do an episode on it at some

point we'll watch a little bit we gotta talk about baby about Baby Yoda. We gotta talk about him. God damn. He's cute. Baby Yoda's so cute. I want Baby Yoda merch now but it just came out We gotta wait until April 2020. We looked it up because I also want

Baby Yoda merch. We need stuffed animals and stuff. Wait, you have to wait until April 2020? That's when you guys will finally be done with? No, that's when

the merch comes out. Oh, wait, you looked up the merch for Baby Yoda? Hell yeah, dude. We love Baby Yoda. We want Yoda baby. We want Baby Yoda.

Most of the Yoda in this movie did not have a consistent way of speaking. He said some things backwards and some things not. I was like, okay. And then his voice maybe changed from the other movies? It was like older. Okay. Well, there's one big famous line of, become the Clone Wars have. Did I get it right?

Yes, that was what we, Mike and I were like, what? Okay, so you could just sometimes say things totally out of order. Mike didn't like it. We just laughed. He hates this movie. No, yeah, he hates the movie. It was hard. He has to watch all these with me, and he's like, oh, no, this one's the worst one.

Everyone hates it. And I was like, strap in, baby. We got to watch this. I mean, I made John watch all. He was, like, doing things. And I was like, come on, sit down. We got to watch this. Yeah, no phones.

Because I would pause it and ask so many questions and he would just explain things to me. That's helpful. I didn't, I didn't have that luxury. Mike was playing chess on his phone. All right. Anyways. Can't you appreciate though that the first five that you've watched is like an individual's, I mean, no matter where it goes off to,

it is just kind of like this one person who's kind of like creating the world. I know that there were different directors and writers and stuff involved. Yeah, it's pretty impressive. I think it's very cool for those reasons. But there are other things that are just difficult to wrap your head around or accept. I agree with that.

Yeah. I mean, you know, we've loved things along the way. I loved The Phantom Menace. I thought it was a great movie. I like with that. Yeah. I mean, you know, we've loved things along the way. I loved The Phantom Menace. I thought it was a great movie. I like Return of the Jedi. Return of the Jedi is great. Yeah.

Return of the Jedi might be my favorite Star Wars movie. Wait, which one is the fifth one? The episode, that's Empire Strikes Back, the one where Han gets,

Arn, gets frozen carbonite. No, it goes, New Hope, Return of the Jedi, Empire Strikes Back, Phantom Menace. I think Empire Strikes Back is my favorite. Yeah, that was the one you put first, I think. A lot of people love Empire Strikes Back. Yeah, and then I really liked Return of the Jedi. Those two were really fun.

And then I didn't mind Phantom Menace. But that's what's kind of fun about this because we're finding like, okay, we actually like some of this stuff. And maybe the next one we'll have. So what do you think? Do this because we're finding like, okay, we actually like some of this stuff and maybe the next one will. So what do you think? Do you think we'll like the next one or we'll hate it? I think you'll like it more than this last.

Okay. I think that you've gotten over the worst one. Okay. And then there's like crazy stuff that happens in this next one. Okay.

And some people don't like it at all. And then some people like rank episode three as like they they put it like up there. Sometimes some people put it up there with like some of the original, original trilogy. Okay. That means I'll probably like it. And I'm excited.

There's, there's, there is, there is some legit fun stuff. I mean, like you guys got me for the worst one. Uh, so I just want to say, fuck you. You're welcome. That feels like a good place to wrap things up. Yeah. A nice say fuck you. You're welcome. That feels like a good place to wrap things up. A nice fuck you. Mitch, we're going to give you the opportunity to promote something that you want to promote

because we're nice. Can I say fuck you? Again? You fuck. That's really good. It was very funny. Mitch, what do you want to... No, was it? Yes, it was.

Yes, it was. I giggled and it was an actual giggle. Thank you. I don't pretend giggle for nobody. I didn't say that. I didn't accuse you of that. Look, we'll talk about it after. Dough Boys, that's it.

Listen to Dough Boys. It's so funny. It really is. Thank you. I love Dough Boys. And honestly, I got to say, I'm a little upset that I was not asked to do the Ample Hills Creamery one. Yeah.

We talk about you on the episode. Do you love Ample Hills? It's my favorite ice cream place. Oh, yeah, it's good. Before they had a shop in New York or in LA, I would order it from New York. Wow. And it costs $100 for four pints of ice cream. I love that you would do that.

To be overnighted to you. Yes. Now you can get it so easily. Yes, I can. Oh, my God. I had an issue with it. What? Look, spoiler alert, it gets into the Golden Plate Club.

Okay, good. Wow. It was like I had something in front of the pint and we ate at the store and there was like icy bits to it. You know when ice cream gets icy? Where it's like that little chunk of ice on it? In the little ice on it pint both oh man i don't like that i'm really sorry about that it's usually very it should be very creamy and smooth because they put egg yolks in their ice cream it's more custody than ice cream i know too much that's interesting about why it's different yeah that's why it's like creamier yeah you got a bad batch i guess i guess so yeah real quick because i'm not going to listen to the episode.

What flavors did you get? I got the flavor of record, which is like a New York Times. Oh, okay. I may be fucked up. And then chocolate milk and cookies. Oh, my God. You didn't get ooey gooey butter cake. Chocolate milk and cookies sounds good.

See, if you had taken me. I tried ooey gooey butter cake. And you didn't like it? I did like it. It cookies sounds good. See, if you had taken me. I tried ooey gooey butter cake. And you didn't like it? I did like it. It was very good. You got to get ooey gooey butter cake on a piece of ooey gooey cake. That sounds so good. They heat it up a little bit.

And then you get the little, like the cold chunks with the warm chunks. Okay. And then maybe a little caramel. And then some whipped cream. Okay, the next time like something that I need like a treat for myself to either celebrate or mourn something, I'm going there. I'm making a very specific plan.

Well, I hope that's a celebration. I'm also mourning things over ice cream. I had a man break up with me there. Oh, wow. At Ample Hills? Yeah, isn't that nice? How rude. Don't try to tarnish a great establishment. I figured he was like, she's not going to cry over ice cream because that would be like the saddest thing, a fat woman just like eating ice cream, sobbing.

I think that was his plan. He was like, so she'll have to be cool about it. And I was. Well, if it's in public, I mean, what are you going to do? That's just crazy. Well, the one on Hillhurst is the one we went to and it's in a little house. I know. It's kind of confusing. It's very cute. It's very quaint. There's parking

in the back. I mean, the experience was great. I gave it four forks. Yeah, it's really good. I love it. Anyways, Ample Hills is the other thing I'm plugging. You want to plug Ample Hills ice cream. I talk about them at Nauseam on my own podcast and now I'm bringing it here. Oh my god, they give you free stuff. They do. Oh, good. I know the owner. I got my friend a job there. Fantastic. I love Ample Hills creamer. Okay, I'm bringing it here. Oh my god, they should give you free stuff. They do. Oh good. I know the owner.

I got my friend a job there. Fantastic. I love it. Okay, I'm glad you get free stuff. Well, that's cool. I want to plug, I have a million podcasts. I have with special guest Lauren Lapkus, which is my improv podcast. It's so funny. Oh, thanks. You guys have been on it and that was fun. It's great. And

those are all available on Stitcher Premium. My podcast, Threedom, which is now coming out from behind the paywall. You can listen for free anywhere. And Raised by TV, a lot of the episodes are free. Most of them are. So listen to that. And I have a Patreon, which I'm getting going and I mean, it's going to be, this comes out so much

later that like I'm talking about the past. But it's okay. Find me on Instagram and Twitter. I have an Instagram and I have a Twitter. It's at Nicole Byer. I have other podcasts. Why won't you date me? Um,

best friends with Sashir Zameda. Sometimes I'm on drag her with Manu Agapian like once a month. I cried on best friends when I came on. And it was so wonderful. We're trying to get you in. You guys should do it. But you're so dang busy. I've been, I've been home like 10 days in the last three months.

Oh, my God. That's because you're Mr. Hollywood in Atlanta. I got into my bed the other day. This is a good way to gross everyone out at the end of the episode. Can't wait. Cat litter in the bed. Wow, because they're just taking over. They're just taking over.

Yeah. So I'm sleeping like in a big litter box. That checks out. That's when you change your sheets, my friend. I know. Look. I know. Look, I know. You didn't have to sleep in it. I got home at night. You pull that finish sheet off. When you're home late,

something happens, it's like you just get in. Are you kidding me? Well, I hurt my knee and I folded all my clothes and I was like, I could put them away, but that requires a lot of walking. So now I'm just sleeping in my laundry. See, things like that just happen. I get it. It just happens. What else, Nicole?

You've got so many things. Oh, on Netflix, you can watch Nailed It. Probably a new season will be coming out by the time this comes out. I have a special on Netflix in Comedians of the World.

It's the third episode. Oh, I want to plug my Netflix special under the character. Search the characters. It's the first episode. That's a great episode. Thanks, so is great episode you do this

one character what is she from like The Bachelorette where she's like spray tan and blonde and big eyes my hair is

my face is completely orange and my body's hot so fucking funny thank you what a dang treat your whole special's hilarious thank you guys

this is so fun we love each other and not Star Wars I was very excited to be here. I could have just listened to you two talk and I'd be a happy little Yoda. That's why I listen to Doughboys. I think it's so fun just to listen to you guys. Well, we gotta have you guys back soon.

I'd love to do it. I'll do it. I want to do an ice cream place or something sweet. We should all go to BJ's and get pizookies. Have you done pizookies yet? Fuck yeah. We have had pizookies. fuck yeah we have had pizookies dang

I love a pizookie haven't done Jenny's we've done them we haven't done a few I hate Jenny's have you done Van Leeuwen's I like Jenny's we haven't done Van Leeuwen's either

Van Leeuwen's is my favorite Van Leeuwen's is pretty good Van Leeuwen's who's that but Jenny's I once asked for a half scoop and they wouldn't give me a half scoop and I even explained it

I was like I have a problem with portion control can I please have a half scoop of ice cream and she what she said no she said no no I was like please just charge me for the full scoop I just want half though because I don't want to eat the whole thing and if it's in front of me I will and she was like can't do that and I was like what are you like having an inventory like can you serve me a whole one and then throw half of it out yeah like I don't know what you have to do I guess I could have done that but I was like I don't want

to waste well no then you want to eat it. Yes. This seems like, that's not a Jenny's. There's just. No, no, it was just one woman who worked there. Some crazy, yeah, some crazy woman. I have to say something about the Jenny's logo. I always think it says penis. Oh. If you look at it, like kind of.

Yes. It just does look like that. You just glance. You're like, ooh. Penis. Let me get in there and get some dicks. Yum, yum, yum. Oh, my God. Okay god okay well this was a blast

it was I enjoyed it okay we're gonna be back with the next episode soon with uh I guess the return what the

the clones Revenge of the Sith right? we just watched Revenge of the Sith yeah yes oh god I started

do all the Siths ride on scooters Mitch do all Siths yeah so Darth Maul in in in Phantom Menace rode a scooter, an air scooter. And then when Anakin went to go find his mom, he was on an air scooter. That's just a coincidence. Okay.

Darth Vader isn't going to ride around on one, or the Emperor won't be riding a scooter or anything like that. Because I'm pretty sure that Doku rides a scooter too. It's like Priuses, like a lot of people have them, but not everyone. Like, they're very common. I will say that

just to get you guys excited that there is a Kamino alien like fully nude in the next episode. Wait, really? Thank you. Okay. I'll be watching with both eyes open.

I was going to say, I will keep my eyes peeled. All right. That was a great time. Thanks, Mitch. Bye-bye. Thank you, guys. That was a HeadGum Podcast.