Newcomers: Sports, with Nicole Byer and Lauren Lapkus - Bend It Like Beckham (w/ E.R. Fightmaster, Katie Kershaw, & Tien Tran)

Episode Date: August 20, 2024

Lauren and Nicole hop over the pond with very special guests E.R. Fightmaster, Katie Kershaw, & Tien Tran (Jockular) to get into all things women’s football with the early aughts film Bend It Like Beckham. Also discussed is the icon and living legend Ilona Maher, the beyond obvious queer storyline that refuses to come to fruition, and the movie trope of an injured man becoming the coach for a women’s team.Join us next week for our episode covering Challengers! Get tickets for the upcoming Newcomers: Sports Fan Choice Finale Livestream with special guests Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel on 9/5 at 4PM PT here!Like the show? Rate Newcomers 5 stars on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and leave a review for Nicole and Lauren to read on the pod!Follow the podcast on Letterboxd.Advertise on Newcomers via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum original. That's it. No more sucker. I'm really good. What did I do wrong in my past life? Jess had a talent that was something special. That was brilliant. Really good. Yeah, almost as good as a man. And a family that was something else.

Mrs. Bammer, you must be very proud of your daughter. Not at all. And you three shouldn't encourage her. Girls aren't supposed to play, soccer. My mom's never wanted me to play. You just can't take no for an answer. Whoops. Will you both pack it in?

I'm not going to give it up. All I'm saying is there is a reason why sporty spies is the only one of them without a boyfriend. This spring... I don't want you running around half naked in front of men. We've been invited to play in Germany this Saturday. It's going to be an American scout there. I can't. And what are you going to have to give up next?

It's about knowing what's right. She's got tremendous potential. I think we know better our daughter's potential. Following your heart. He likes you. I think so. You're quite pretty, you know. You do something with your hair and put a bit of makeup on.

Look all right. And finding the strength. Why aren't they so frightened to let you play? This has taken me away from everything they know. Who's life you live in just? To bend the rules. Fox Searchlight Pictures presents. The International Smash Hit.

one's cheering for. And it like Beckham. This is where you spoil her to work. No, this is how it started with your niece, running off to become a model wearing small, small skirts. Mom, she's a fashion designer. She's divorced. That's what she is.

Welcome to Newcomers playing for the home team. It's me, Nicole Beyer. And me, Lauren Lapkiss. And of course, we have Coach Alley watching along from the sidelines. And if you've been listening, this season we're covering 10 of the sports movies that we feel our goals and win the proverbial World Cup. It closed. It's so natural how we talk about sports. It really is.

Today we'll be watching the soccer slash football film starring Harman Der Nadra, Hira Knightley, and Jonathan Rees-Mier. It's 2002, Bend It Like Beckham. And guess what? It's streaming on Disney Plus, or it's available for a fee on any of the other major streamers, and we are going to spoil this movie. So if you don't want spoilers, watch it.

Playing for the visiting. team today. We are so excited to have Tien Tran, Katie Kershaw, and E.R. Fightmaster. Tien, Katie, and are writers, comedians, and actors who met performing at Second City and now host the new sports podcast, Jocular. Tien stars and Peacock's upcoming Mr. Throwback with Steph Curry. That's really cool. And appeared as Ellen Gilbert on Hulu's How I Met Your Father. Oh, what? Katie can be seen recurring. You didn't know your name. Me? I was Ellen Gilbert. Katie can be seen recurring in season two of the Peacock original

Killing it and season four of the FX series Fargo. ER is best known for their role on Hulu's shrill and as network television's first non-binary doctor, Kai Bartley on ABC's Grey's Anatomy. Welcome, you three. We're so excited to talk about this movie with you. Thank you for being here. Yes, thank you so much for being here and making the time.

Thanks for having us. So you guys have a sports podcast. You like it? You like sports? Yeah. We love sports. Well, we love women's sports. Yes.

The only real sport. Okay. I don't really watch men sports at all in like this Olympics. Like I was watching surfing yesterday and men came on and I was just like, ew, and walked away until the women's goal final. I don't like the way they look. Fair. I do. I like all sports.

But I think that I think women's sports are inherently more interesting because of like societal power dynamics. Like it's just more impressive for women to be playing sports when our entire society is telling them that playing sports actually takes away their womanhood. And so for me, it's more like it's like this cross section of everything that I think all three of us care about, which is like it's a cross section of activism. It's mothers playing sports. It's queer women playing sports. it's trans people playing sports. It's actually like we're having conversations about race and class intersecting all the time. And the more that we support women's sports, the more the people that get paid, the least in our society get paid.

So I think that that's like a big oomph for all of us. Yeah, it's a feminist angle. Also, they're hot. They're hot. Yeah. Sorry, they're really hot too. I want to support their rights and their faces. Yeah.

And so is your podcast talking about sports, team, sports games? Is there like a specific focus or kind of anything that you guys want to talk about? It's kind of anything we really want to talk about. A lot of it is what kind of fight was talking about is the intersection of like the cultural, cultural aspect of it and the like societal aspect of it and and truly like who we think is hot. Like it's all three of those things and everything intersecting at once. And, like, I think we have talked about the WNBA probably the most across all of our episodes just because it's just been such an exciting growth for that league this year.

Yeah. It's been so cool. I, like, really wish that was more popular when I was a kid. I remember going to one WNBA game when I was younger and it didn't feel as exciting. Like, it was, like, kind of, like, compared to, like, going to the men's games, there was, like, so much energy in the place. and now it feels like that energy is there and it's so cool. And the Liberty have a dancing elephant. The elephant is everything. You would like this.

Oh, okay. Ellie is this dance here. Yes, Ellie the elephant. She's great. Okay. Okay, I'm looking at them. She's got beautiful braids. Very hot.

She kind of looks sad. No, she's horny. You've got to watch a dance. Lauren, she's incredible. She's not sad. She's horny as how. She's horny as how. She's horny for

she's horny for fan participation. You guys, wait, we can't yell at Lauren for not knowing. I'm sorry, I want to know. I want to know everything, but her eyes just carry a weight. Well, if you've seen her dance, you know that she probably just went

through a serious breakup and she's trying to make someone jealous. So there probably is some depression in the back of the brain, but the frontal lobe is like kill and fuck mode. It's like dojo C-W. It is very Jojo C-W.

In Lauren's defense, a picture of Ellie does have a little bit of sadness in the eyes, but you really have to watch her move. Yeah, okay. It melts away tonight alone. That's the mascot head designer's fault. We'll speak to them about kind of putting more smies in the head. What Ellie does is what,

JoJo thinks she's doing. Yes. Very that. I don't think that we need to knock two women down. I don't think we need to. I think they're both doing it really well.

Did I say there was a negative there? You kind of did. I feel like you're kind of like taking something I said. I really feel like I'm getting twisted right now. You know who also supports women's sports that I really like? Flavor Flav. He apparently sponsors the U.S. women's polo team.

Water polo, yes. He does. That's so cool. It's amazing. They, like, needed the sponsorship, and he answered the call. And there was another Olympian that was like, hey, I don't get a full ride scholarship, so I can't pay for housing this year. And I'm about to perform for this country in gold. and he sent that person like $7,000. Wow. That's also, I think he's sponsoring them for the next five years, and it also was the first time that I realized that Flavor, Flav, was a girl dad.

So that was something like that. I knew that he was a girl dad on Flavor of Love. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, did that come up a lot? I mean, just kind of girl daddy, actually, was like more of the term. Like, not necessarily a father, but. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. I get that. I get that. Warm to women. Yeah, yeah. Warm to women. Yeah. Warm to younger women specifically.

Yeah. Also, I've been getting into rugby. Rugby's intense. I watched a little bit of that. I think her name's Iona or Alona or something. Alonamar. Alonamar. Wow.

Wow. She's fun to watch. Yeah. To play in a red lip. the way she just hits so bold It doesn't move It doesn't move Do you think she's going to have a makeup sponsorship

Oh I think she might work I hope so Yeah There's nothing more powerful than like stiff arming someone In a full face And I think more of us Should get to do that

I want that to happen to me I think it can I think we can make this happen for you fight I think that's a wish that could come true I want to run I want to kind of like relive some like mom trauma and I want to run to her and kind of just be like forced to the ground. Mom trauma but make it kink, you know?

I think a lot of people do. You say to make it kink while waving a tiny water bottle really got me good. That's funny. It's actually a huge water bottle and my hand is just very large. And that's kink. You're like eight feet tall, right? I've heard that. yeah yeah the rumors are true actually the only time i've ever been like really upset was when i found

after i was like shooting grays i like i was told to check my height online i looked it up i was five seven and i was furious like they had crowdsourced information to be like we got it they're five seven i was like no i'm six one and i don't normally interact in that way but i straight of went online and was like, just so everyone knows, I am actually. Has it been updated? Because I feel like this is important. Like, that's honestly, that's really messed up. I'm looking at ERF5MestR.

I'm looking at ERFi Master Hight right now. Okay. Well, how tall did they think everyone else was? Yeah. It kind of makes everybody five, too. It's like, it makes no sense. So tiny. Yeah.

Oh, my God. If you look up ERFight Master Hight, now it says the first thing you see is my Twitter response, which was stop the line. lies. I'm six foot one. I love that so much. Stop the lies. Stop the lies. I love it. All right. Well, we have a little segment here called the shot clock where we're each going to summarize the film, Bend It Like Beckham in 10 seconds. And everyone's going to give it their best shot. Ha ha. Okay, is anybody confident about going first? Yeah, I'll go first.

Okay. Ready? Okay. Three, two, one. Everybody thinks everyone's a lesbian, but they're like, we're not lesbians. And then there's soccer. And then there's a coach, and he's, like, kind of hot, but also kind of pretty feminine.

And then a family doesn't want someone to play soccer, but they play somebody. That was good. That was really beautiful. Thank you. Who's up? I'm happy to have a go. Okay, go for it. Ready?

Three, two, one. A young woman has to decide between soccer and lesbianism or keeping her family happy, and she chooses herself. I think I'm ready. Okay. Three, two, one. Instead of being openly queer and choosing each other, two, other, two, soccer playing queer is pretend to fall in love with a toxic, abusive man. Okay.

That felt great. Katie, you want me to go or you want to go. I'm ready. Okay. Three, two, one. Closited Jess decides to ruin her sister's wedding by playing the second half randomly of a big game and gets to go to America. Oh, my God, okay.

Three, two, one. Two women or two young girls have a fight over a gay man who is not interested, but he's pretending that he is, and everyone is struggling. And, oh, okay. I did not like that man. No, he's terrible. He has, the weight has turned. And he does.

He has an energy, like, very cruel intentions vibe. Like, it's very like, oh, yes. It's very smoldering and, like, leering. Yes. And it's insane. And when they were dancing at the club, I thought he was going to go over and make out with a guy. I literally was like, I thought that was about to happen. And that they would go, oh, he's gay.

But he's so beautiful. He is so beautiful that I feel like that's queer coded in itself. That they're, like, that they're straight up being like, isn't he gorgeous? And yet these two lesbians are in love. him. I'm like, yeah, well, because he looks like a hot, hot dyke. There was a moment that I was like, I would honestly be into this movie being a thruple, too. Yes. When they were all... When they were dancing. When they were dancing together, I was like, they should just, they should just all be together. This is what everyone wants. And he'd be the

bottom. Yeah. He'd be the little cuck in the corner. I mean, just watching being like, yum, yum, yum. That would be so much better. one thousand percent it needed to be more challengers yes we haven't seen that yet we're going to watch that later and I'm really excited but yeah I picked up on the fact that there's some horniness to that film as well this this film lacked fucking I really felt like somebody needed to do something that's that's the problem with these films that are queer coded is like the queer Coating itself should just, it should just say, like, because the film is queer coded, there's not going to be any sex. You're not going to feel good afterwards. Yeah. Because if you watch a straight

movie, which just fucking heterocoded, they're fucking each other, okay? They're fucking each other and we're seeing it. You watch something queer coded, they don't touch the whole time. And you're like, why? It's torture. Mm-hmm. I didn't know we were watching challengers. I can't wait for you to watch challengers. sure didn't and I tried to watch it on a movie and I was not on a movie on a plane and I was like I don't want to watch this movie and it's funny that I'm going to have to watch it later yeah now you have to okay let's take a time out we'll be back with more bend it like Beckham after a word from our sponsor okay everyone say ready break ready ready break We are going to talk about the movies and did like Beckham now. This movie was released April 12th, 2002,

written by Grender Chada and directed by the same person. And I did not see this movie in high school, but I feel like everyone was watching it. And I, to me, looked boring. I think I, I mean, I might not be wrong about that, but I thought soccer, I don't care. That's kind of where I was with that.

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. But it was really not, I'm crying. I'm crying. Because Lauren, for me, I was like, I feel so seen. I've never been seen in my entire life. This is the movie for me.

Yeah. Okay. I'm really happy for you. Okay. Thank you. Like, watching it last night, I was like, oh, my God. Like, Kira Knightley's character has the same posters that I had in my room. And like, yeah, I felt, but I get it.

If I get that it didn't, you didn't connect with it. and that's valid. Well, I think if I knew more of what it was, I would have watched it because it was more like, we have a crush on this guy. And I always liked movies like that. So I feel like I probably would have liked it. I don't know if you would have liked it

because I didn't like who they had a crush on. I didn't find it to be like warranted. I was like, ugh, who cares about him? But it wasn't honest. It wasn't like, that's the, the queer coding itself is like, I don't know if you guys have seen. your friends that have come out later, the men that they were with before they came out

look like dogs backwards. Stop. They never pick hot guys ever, ever, ever, ever. They never pick hot guys. They always pick fucking, like, toxic bad dudes. That is fascinating. It's true. There's photographic evidence of this for decades and decades and decades

where you're always, you see some hot woman who's about to come out and you're hearing her coming out story. And then they, like, show a photo of her and her first husband and you're like, what happened? Like, he looks like they just found him in a cave somewhere. Like, it's always fucked up. But this is, this was like, obviously, like, you know,

a Hollywood-style production. We have to pick a not dog backwards man. And so we picked this beautiful queer woman dressed up as a man. You know what I'm saying? See, I don't think Jonathan Reese doesn't do it for me. I feel like he's always kind of like, I feel like he's always talking down a hallway. Like, I feel like he's just always...

I can't really explain it, but he reminded me of a lollipop, just like a red, shiny lollipop. And I can't explain it anymore. Just like a circle one, like a circle lollip. I don't want you to explain it. Don't explore that. Okay, we're going to jump into the plot of this movie and talk about every moment. that exists. It starts with 18-year-old

Jess Mawr, who's played by Parmender Nagra, and she's the daughter of British Indian Punjabi Sikhs living in Hunslow, London. Jess has a passion for football and dreams about playing on the field with David Beckham for Manchester United, but her parents do not support her interest. She sometimes plays in the park with boys, including her best friend, Tony,

a family friend that her family thinks has his eye on her. Her family's completely occupied with planning for Jess's sister Pinkies, Archie Punjabi. Bobby's imminent wedding. I mean, it's kind of cute at the beginning. Nicole, were you, you were texting a little bit. Were you on board from the beginning? Okay.

I was on board for the first 10 minutes. And then I was like, oh, boy. Okay, we still got, we got more of this movie. And then also, when I started it, I was like, please be under two hours. And then I looked and I was like, an hour 52? That's not answering my prayers. An hour and a half, please. it was too long

it was too long we haven't really had that complaint this season I feel like we usually complain about that every other season but I feel like the sports movies have been like decent lengths but this was a bit long for what I needed I also they use the same song they used the same songs like four times

like it was kind of like they did didn't they like every five minutes I was like the songs they played are all from like commercials for like a medication It was like, They were expensive. They were obviously very expensive.

Did I hear? It was, it was Mel C. It's a smelly solo turn. Oh. Which is also pretty queer-coded. I'm happy for you. Oh, I came in thinking I was going to be like, how bangin is that soundtrack? Yeah.

You know, here I'm going to be honest. I got to be honest. How bang in is that soundtrack? Every song. I was like, it's a commercial, it's a commercial for like selectstra and there's like people dancing at a wedding, but it's about like, if you experience heartburn, like, I don't know, it's just like, none of the songs did it for me. Maybe it's because I have chronic heartburn. I love it. I'm happy for you. I am, I am happy when people have different opinions

on this podcast. Okay. I think you're saying you're, I'm happy with heartburn. so Jules Paxton I hate that her name is Jules That's Kira Knightley Who looks just like the other lady to me Do you know who I'm talking about? The other lady She was from parent swap or whatever

No, she was a swan at one point The Black Swan Natalie Portman? Natalie Portman Yes They look just alike to me Oh I don't see that Oh really?

they have like that hard shaped face yeah no no kira nightly has has this thing it's the team that are yeah they both played the same role in star wars when they were like little kids whoa they did so i'm not wrong no you're correct in that's weird same person mm-hmm so natalie portman is in this movie and is a member of the howenslow her A local women's amateur football team notices Jess's football skills in the park befriends her and invites her to try out. This to me, weird. Who's recruited in the park? The coach Joe Jonathan Reese Myers, a young Irish former player whose career was derailed by injuries.

I hate this trope of men who are like, I can't. So I guess I'll talk to women. He accepts her into the team, just plays behind her parents back, claiming to have a summer job when she's actually at football practice. If she's not showing checks, how do you believe your daughter's working? Anyway, Jess confesses to the truth to Pinky one afternoon after their mom thinks Pinky's supposed to pick her up after work. I just can't imagine, like, having a job in my parents not wanting those receipts. Yeah. Like, I worked at a food court.

I brought home food court food every night. Yeah. You needed to be proof in it. And the fact that she, like, as soon as the door is closed, she'd rip. off her like nice blazer stuffs it in a bush and goes like I love this movie but Jess girl your parents are stupid yeah I also feel like aren't you gonna like complain about the job from time to time or the people there like I feel like that would be my biggest giveaway is that like she never complained about going I got to be like no weird adult co-workers yeah she's also

so physically exhausted from the job I feel like she comes home and is always always just like and they have no questions about what is the HMV that's what is that I assumed it was the DMV okay yeah I didn't because they kept saying like oh I got her a job at the HMV so okay in this world it's the DMV yeah let me and me to us to us right now okay great I thought it was I think you're right though that it is interesting that that's a repeated trope is that coaching women's sports is some kind of like punishment or fallback for men that aren't good enough to be in the men's space anymore. Because that is kind of like a league of their own. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. And I love, I'm going to keep coming back to women before they're

out dating like bad toxic men. I think that it sounds like this like coding if he got injured, basically he was too soft for a world of men. It's like he was too bad. to dominate in a male space. And so he came to dominate women in a women's space. Like, I'm, I, he's one of maybe my least favorite people of all time. I'm glad you got there. That's what we were trying to tell you. And yet, and yet, I'd top it.

No. No, you have to separate these things. No, I can't separate the art from the artist in this situation. Yeah. I can't separate the coach from the topping. Like, I want. Okay, so Jules and Jess become fast friends on and off the field, and I was hoping maybe something would happen there.

They travel into the city one day to shop and buy new cleats, which sends Jess's mom into a fit when she discovers them later that night as she was supposed to get proper shoes for her sister's wedding. The next day, feeling terrible, Jess tells Jules she needs to return the shoes. Jules invites her to her home to borrow a pair after practice. Joe punishes them for talking during practice by running laps, which he later stops just from running when he realizes she's injured. So he does care a little.

No, he doesn't. They're all leaving. I didn't like how he talked about her star, by the way. Yeah. I didn't like that. Yeah. And he's like, that one's worse than mine or whatever. I sounded like Paul McCartney.

That one's worse than mine. No one's worse than mine. If your mom knows this little about your world, I would have told my mom that those cleats were heels. your mom is an idiot she knows nothing you're hiding your blazer and bushes I would bring those cleats on and be like I'm so sorry I'm so stupid I thought these were heels mom yeah I'm an inch taller in them yeah or just be like it's for my job it's for the HMV I have to wear cleats at the HMV I will say that date that that was a date that to me like going going into the tube to another place that looked more like

the city. It was romantic. It was like the rom-com kind of moment. And they're holding hands and Jules is very physical with her friends. And you are aware of that. I'm like, wow, they hug a lot more than most people that I know. Yes. They're like both in jean jackets. I'm like, these two are dykes. Yeah, a lot of titty on titty hugging. Their hugs get them in trouble. They're that intimate. They get them in trouble later. They're giggling and holding each other's faces. I was like that's in i was like that was long after that moment even happened that they're like hugging on the street being like ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha i was like that was 10 minutes ago we are gay we are gay and when we hug each other you you might think that we're heterosexual like if you are

hugging and people are picking up from the hug that you're gay you're fucking each other yeah right right yeah i mean i hug er but i don't enjoy it and there's no no it's like hugging chapstick. It is. It's pure friendship. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is peer friendship. Yeah. There is a line. So Jess goes to Jules' house to pick up the shoes and Jules shows her a tape of the W. USA team. Her ultimate dream. Jules' mom meets Jess, who's dismayed when she realized Jess is a football or two. Jess asks Jules if she likes Joe. She responds that she hopes to find someone exactly like him one day. We need to talk about the mom. The mom's like, your boobs. Like she talks about her boobs. like so many times.

I was like, leave this person alone. It is so crazy. I'm like the mom's a dyke. Like you can't like, she's a fucking closeted dyke. She's closeted. She's so upset. And she's so upset when she thinks they're like,

oh my God. It's like, yeah, that was so wild. Just hysterical. She's not upset. She's jealous. Yeah. She's like, how dare you? When she's holding the tray in the home,

she's like, huh? I wish I was fucking my friend. Yeah. I have to fuck your dad. Who, by the way, like, they have no chemistry, no offense to any. Zero. No, because they're both gay. No offense to us.

Every single person in this movie is gay. Yes, very gay. Well, I don't know if the dad is gay or just is like on the spectrum because he's like, soccer, football. I just want to talk about football. He's how you do football. Football, football. He reminded me of Rudy, except he's football, Rudy.

I don't think that a lot of British men like women or men or anybody. I think a lot of British men only like football and that's just that's their sexuality. And so I think that we're like, he's football sexual, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. That's where he is. The mom thinking that soccer is what made or like would make her daughter gay is actually something that my parents did say to me. Really?

Yes. When I came out, it is, obviously it is true. Soccer did make me gay. But in soccer just attract you because of that? Yeah. It's the chicken or the egg situation. Were you gay and attracted to soccer? Probably.

Attract you to be gay. I'm like, I think, I got a journal about this. I don't know what you came first. You do. So they accused you. of, they straight up were like, is it because of the soccer?

Oh. I just splashed water all over my face. I can't believe that story. That is crazy, though. I mean, yeah, her mom's like yelling at her and she also like, because she has breasts,

she was like screaming into the yard. I was like, why are you doing this? I mean, okay, I will say I don't know that the parents are wrong. Like, I do think that this. sports give you an avenue to finding out your gay way faster.

Yeah. You know, it is a gateway drug. Yes, yes, yes. Is a gateway drug spelled with a why? Like, it is, you're out, you're in an all, like, women's space, which normally everything is, like, unfortunately very co-ed. And you don't know why that's miserable, but it is. And then you're with all these women, and they're all wearing spandex, and they're all

sweating. And they're all, like, working together to help each other. And they're kind of also being physically violent to you. and you're like, well, this is it. Well, yeah, and the scene in the locker room where Jess is, like, kind of shy about changing her clothes, but she's also, like, really overwhelmed by everyone being in their bra. Like, that's, like, is this movie talked about that way, or is this just, like, the way that it feels when you watch it?

Like, do people, do people at the time, like, think that or no? The straight women in locker rooms, like, when I have played sports, it's the straight women in locker rooms that literally get names. Like they get naked so fast and it's the closeted queers that are like I need to find a bathroom stall to change my jersey which is like literally the same way that it is at like gyms now. Like I walk into gyms and they like, you know, I'd love it if they had a neutral locker room and they don't. So I have to go into the women's locker room and it's all of these striped women and then like buck, buck ass naked like putting on makeup with their full pussies on a stool. Like, it's crazy. Oh, no.

Tidies out. And then me being, like, in the corner being like, I do not want to be arrested for some kind of crime. So I'm in and out. I'm in and out of there. Their pussies have to sit somewhere. Those things, that is being nervous in a locker room is queer-coded. I love that. Yeah, yeah.

Fair. Fair. I would say, like, I don't think it was talked about, like, that sort of, like, queer eye in the locker room. But growing up, none of my soccer teammates practice with just a sports bra. Like, I would have loved that, I think. Like, we were all just like, I don't think I would have been like, okay, guys, shirts and skins, I guess. Let's go.

And they did it all throughout this movie. And I have, there's never been a team like that in my entire life. Until you start one. Until I start one. Yeah, you can start one. This is your opportunity. Mm-hmm. I'll coach.

Well, when Jess gets home, she finds her family in a frenzy because Pinky's fiance's parents want to call off the wedding after believing they saw Jess kissing an English boy, which was really Jules and her goofing around. In an outrage, Pinky tells their parents about Jess being on the football team and they forbid her from continuing. Joe becomes concerned when she misses two practices. So they go, so her mom, like, thinks that they're, or Jules. mom thinks they're gay because she's about to bring them like a treat and then she's like they're having a fight because they're gay or so or wait was that earlier then this is the part with the where they make up or something and then they go outside and they're laughing and giggling because her mom's like you're both gay or something. What am I mixing it up? I think this is when just first goes

over to jules's house and they're making fun of the fact that jules's mom keeps going jesminda jesminda right right right right like such a white mom thing to do to like a person of color just to be like, I can't say your full name, over and over and over again. Please teach Jule about your culture. Oh, right. That was that scene. Yes, she does. Teach her to respect her elders.

And then they're like, my mom sucks and they're laughing outside. And then the family drives by and thinks that Jess is kissing a boy, but it's because Jules has short hair, which she doesn't look like a boy at all. She sure doesn't. No, the hair's not that short. It's just a little like Darma and Greg situation. It's a bob. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a bob.

She is so cute, and she can pull off anything I feel like, Kira Knightley. Yeah, 100%. Any look that she's done. She is so cute. She can pull off soccer and, like, pirate boat. She won't say she's cute. What's going on? Nicole, you won't say it.

I don't know, Kira Niley. I don't want to say she's not for me because that sounds mean, but like. That's okay. That's a nice way I'm saying it. I don't know if she's for me. I wanted her to be beefier That's my problem with women in sports movies I want them to be beefier

Because if you play sports you're a little beefy Yeah Yeah You want the legs would be thick You want that rugby bills Oh my God Give me thick legs You're running so much

I played soccer one time They made me go back and forth Twice on that field And I said this field is too big So I sat down And they said that's not how you play And I said well I quit It's too much

And you've been advocating for smaller fields ever since. I have. Make them tiny. I want to cross a field in 16 steps, please. Yeah, I hear that. And they do call that a lawn. For now. For now.

For now. For now, it's a lot. And then soon it'll be a stadium. Well, I think, okay, I agree with you. I agree with you on the very, very skinny nature of it all. I'm also realizing, like, I'm also remembering the David Beckham of it all. That, like, of course, the whole fucking thing has been to, like, Beckham. But, like, I don't, I just watch that whole Beckham documentary.

And he is also a man for Dykes. Like, he's a skinny little, sweetie, baby, bad boy, like, little neurodivergent. But just, like, soft, blonde. And I'm like, I'm kind of, that, that's the whole movie is these like soft twinks. Like the whole cast is just, of anyone queer coded is just like a soft twink, including the women. Kira Knightley's soft twink. Just kind of soft twink. Yeah.

Except for the only gay man in the movie. They did not make soft twink. Yeah. Tony's not a soft twink. Not a soft twink. He's a twink who's seen things, a hardened twink. He's a hard old twink. Yeah.

Tough. He's a callist twink. Yeah. Well. Okay. So Joe learns that Jess is on the team without her parents' permission. He goes to their home and pleads with Mr. I can't say this name.

It's hard for me. Baram. Baram. I think it's Bamra. Bamra. Mr. Bamra to allow her to play. He refuses for a feeling that he doesn't want Jess to suffer the same way he did when he was excluded from a cricket club because of anti-Indian and anti-Indian.

an anti-seek sentiment. Which, you know, it's real. I get. It's tough for him. But it's sort of like this guy is saying, we all want her to play and we're all begging her to play. It's like the opposite of what his experience was. And that seemed kind of

confused me because I was like, he's saying she can't do it even though he's coming over and saying, we really want her to. And we're not thinking of her in the way that you are. I think it's a thing where it's like, I was excluded, but I don't want her to face racism. I don't want anyone to, I don't want her to experience any sort of racism even close to what I experienced. This, this scene is proof that the movie didn't need any scenes that wouldn't pass the Bechdel test. I don't need any scenes in this film.

We could have cut for time any of the scenes where men were talking to each other. Yeah. I actually think you're right. We didn't need that. Like, that could have been a conversation like Dad had with, with Jess. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, right, that would have been more effective. Yeah, I don't need him to explain this to some fucking, like, nasty little white boy he doesn't know.

Like, fuck you, that dude hasn't earned that. Look at him. That nasty little red lollipop man that I will talk. But we don't like him. I need to know Lollipop's age. I was really. You're right. How old is this character?

You're right, because that is weird because he's obviously older than them. No, he is way older than them. Like, that is like. Yeah, he's had like a full career. Yeah. This is so, that is so toxic. Like we, we were raised to think that that's, like, attractive.

And they're, like, in high school. Yeah, they're like 18. Uh, meets him. He, like, Lollipop walks away and Kira Knightley's like, wow, he really likes you after he was just, like, not that nice. And I'm like, Mm-hmm. And she's 18.

She, like, had Joss turned 18. right. Yeah, her brain isn't fully developed yet, so she doesn't know. They obviously want you to be like she's barely legal. Like, it is like a perverted. But that is also, I'm sorry, this is a real life trope of like young queer women being attracted to like older, more predatory men because these predatory men make it very obvious for them that they're like predating them.

And they're like, well, I've never been attracted to a man before, but you're like predating me. So I guess I'll do this for the next 10 years of my life. I like calling it predating. I like calling it predating because it's like, yeah, like I'm like, it's like, it's like dating, but it's predating. So it's like, I'm not dating yet. Predating. Predating around.

Yeah, it's just predating. I think there is that sports stroke too of like coach and dad giving permission to kid. Like I feel like I've seen that conversation of like broken dreams, but the coach can come in and save the child. So like that, with all of that, I didn't want them. I didn't want her to end up with him. Like I was like, because I felt like it was weird. Like it messed up her friendship already. So I was like, that's still going to be an issue.

Like if Jules, Jules will still feel kind of bad about that if you're dating him. And then that's already weird. Then your parents don't want this. It's your coach who's older than you. You just got to move away to America and he's going to say, don't try to date anyone there. You're with me now, even though I won't see you until Christmas, which really bothered me. And she said, a boundary. She set a boundary. She was like, this is not good for my family. And he was like,

well, if I show up at the airport, fuck you. Because he knows that if she fucks other people, then she ain't going to be straight anymore. That's what he knows. He's like, don't get dicked down by anybody else because the next dick that you have will be evidence for you that you don't like it. Soccer and America makes you good. Jules and Jess rooming together fucking week two. And then she's coming back and it's like, hey, you're a pretty great coach, but you're not for me. Like, that's absolutely happening. Yeah. And at the end, he's, like, playing cricket in, like, he's dressed like he's in Cape Cod.

And, like, he is so- And, like, she's not there. And I was like, what's the fucking vibe? I thought we were going to see them. The dad and him are fucking. Right. Everyone is gay in this movie. Okay. Because I thought that they would like

You'd see them together celebrating Christmas And it's like you don't see that You see him alone being like I'm throwing the cricket ball or whatever Or you see him with the dad grooming the dad to be like You should be with him I've spent a lot of time with him

This lollipop will make you fucking happy Yeah Could you imagine coming home from Christmas After going to uni and your coach Is like hanging out with your dad? Yeah at that point it is like you gotta go. Like, you're, it's weird.

Didn't John Mayer do that with Jessica Simpson's parents? Sorry, just having a fever dream where he, like, yes, Ali, think he like hung out with her family. Yes, you're exactly right. While they were broken up and she discusses it

in her memoir, open book. He does. He was like, saying, selfie. Yeah, and then her family was like, I don't know, maybe you should give this another try. That's so crazy. He was John Merring.

That's exactly what a Lollie mom was. doing. Wait, so the scene at the end is not Christmas. It's him just being there when she's not there. I think so. I guess because it wasn't winter. Why didn't I even think of that? Oh, my God.

No snow. Yeah, I've lived in L.A. for too long. No snow. I think they do. Yeah. Yeah, I think they do get winter. He also, he also like gas-litzer when she's like, I was called a racial slur. And he's like, babe, I'm Irish, which 100% not putting down the plight of the

Irish, like, just went on a long obsession with the troubles. Yeah, they had a whole potato famine. But, like, you can't go. I'm Irish. I love that. I'm going to start saying that. I get it. I get it. I'm Irish. It's the same with his scar where it's like she had this really big traumatic scar from a burn and he's like, like, making it all about his scar. I was like, he's the worst person on Earth. You understand? He's the worst person. He's such an abuser. Oh, I would top him. Yeah.

But you guys, when I'm topping him, he's not talking. We're not fucking hanging out. When I'm topping him. When I'm topping him, he's not talking about his dad. When I'm top of the morning him. Top of the moaning. Top of the moaning. Top of the moaning.

Okay, so Pinky covers for Jess when she, She travels with the team to play a match in Germany. The Harriers lose the match after Jess fails to score on a penalty kick. Jess' dad finds out she's still on the team by seeing a newspaper article about the match. When the team goes out clubbing that night, Jules catches Joe and Jess about to kiss, devastating her. Jess goes to Jules' house to try to mend their friendship, but Jules still feels betrayed and angry. And Jules' mother confused by overhearing only parts of their argument out of context, thinks they're hiding a lesbian relationship. When Jess confides in Tony about her problems, he comes out as gay.

now when they dance in the club this is definitely this was a scene where I was like this is going to be like wild things or like something like cruel intentions like something's about to go down the vibe I actually like when they went over to him and he was like there's a shot of him like in the club like with the lights you go going and he's like sitting in the in the chair and he's such a model I was like we're going to pan down and see a guy sucking his dick I literally thought that I know it doesn't make any sense but I was like it feels like that's what we're getting towards. here and it wasn't happening. And then they all dance kind of weirdly. Yeah. Like they're holding hands and they're like, and like I couldn't tell if Joel was like jealous. Yeah, yeah. It's PG-13.

We can't show that. But we all know it happened. Right. We know. We know what happened. Yeah. I will say this is like this is one of those things where as, and I as a writer, I know I'm not supposed to feel this way, but this is like the parts of the movie where they're

like everything bad happens now. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it to be so negative. It's already so negative that they're going to end up with this fucking pencil dick loser who fucking hates women. And so he's coaching them. It's already so ugly that they're like closeted and their families don't support them. Like I don't need the whole fucking like and here's five bad things in a row.

I didn't need it. Yeah, because I also, I really didn't know what was going to happen when she was about to kiss him. It didn't. I just felt it felt so random for him to be into her. Yes. Very forced. That you're like, oh, and then I felt like she would not do it. What I was thinking was about to happen was that she was going to go like, oh, no.

And then Jules would think they were about to kiss. And then she'd be like, no, I wasn't. Not even that she would be like, and I'm in love with you, but just being like, I don't even care. Because also there's a point where when her mom's like, you were kissing a boy. And she's like, me kissing a boy? Yes. It was so pointed. That she would never be caught dead kissing a boy.

So gay. I was like, ew, not for me. Like, not for me. So Jess fakes being sick to her family to sneak off to the next game. But unbeknownst to her, her father secretly attends as well. During the game, Jess is pushed down and mocked by an imposing player with a racial slur and gets into a shoving match and retaliation. Jess's dad is shocked to see Joe hugging her after the incident and takes her home.

Jess's parents resolve their conflict with Pinky's fiancé's parents. And the wedding? Oh, baby, it's back on. The Harriers qualify for the finals of the elite tournament. but the championship match with an American talent scout in attendance is to be held on the same day as Pinky's wedding. Jess resigns herself to missing the game. Okay, so this was all, this was a dramatic incident here.

And I, okay, I thought it was really cute that her dad snuck out. I had, I felt that that was really hopeful. Terrible moment for him to only see her play that and then have that moment happen when that's his one fear about the whole thing. The timing. It's crazy. Like, it's never happened to her, and then she pops in a game for five minutes. Yeah.

I also love that it felt like he was, that was his first time in a crowd. When he, like, sat down and like, he's never been outside before. He's never been outside. And when something good happens, he, like, looked around to be like, okay, I can clap. We put our hands together. So the night before Pinky's wedding, Joe finds Jess's father outside the celebration and tells him about the talent scout, begging him to let Jess go. On the day of the wedding, Jess is clearly miserable. Tony pulls Jess aside and tries to convince her to sneak out to make the second half of the game. Jess's dad finds them and tells her she can actually, tells her she can go so she can actually be happy on her sister's wedding day.

There's so many people there that he thinks that she can go and come back without Pinky noticing she's gone. on, which is, you know, there was a lot of people there. And the Harriers are behind one to zero when Just arrives, but they rally. Jess and Jules reconciled on the field, which further fuels Jules' mother's speculation that they're a couple. She's like, hmm. Jess is fouled and given a free kick. She scores a goal and wins the game.

I just don't know how this is, this is not how rosters work. Like, I coached sports. Your player has to be present at the beginning of the game. And I'm sorry to say that, like, I have. I hate ruining a movie that she has to be present at the beginning. What if you lie and say that they're in the locker room? You know what? And we've been debunked.

She's had her period for hours in the locker room. Yeah. She's used 100 tampons and now she's ready to play. So the Scout offers Jess and Jewel's sports scholarships at Santa Clara University in California. yet. Is that real? Anyway, I've never heard of that. I've heard of Santa Clarita,

but that's not a place anybody wants to go. So Jules and Jess share another hug and a kiss to celebrate, which Jules' mother also clocks. The kiss was another, you know, that was more intense.

Mm-hmm. I say, now you're kissing and it is something. It's something. It is. There is something there. Jules' mother is on to something. Yep.

Jess returns to the wedding. able to celebrate. Jules' mother, Jules' mother gives Jules a ride to the wedding as well. When they arrive, Ms. Paxton accuses Jess of being a hypocrite, a lesbian, and demands just to return her bar. She said, there's a lesbian in my shoes. Is that what she said? Yes. And she screamed in front of her whole family. It was so rude. Which is so rude. An older woman goes, lesbian. I thought she was a Pisces. Yeah. And I said, boo. And then someone says, she's not Lebanese. We were multiple miscommunications.

so Jules drags her mother away angrily clarifying her relationship with Jess Jess's family is deeply confused about why a woman would show up to steal show up to Pinky's wedding to steal her shoes I mean it's confusing and also the idea that you might think she's a lesbian I thought she was a Pisces why are you so aware that she's a Pisces yeah like I just say that's weird yeah my aunties do not know my horoscope I mean, knowing a horoscope is gay. The ants are gay.

All ants are gay. All ants are gay. We know this. I was watching with that closed caption and pretty much any time at the wedding or any Indian person spoke, it just said shouting in Punjabi. Oh, no. Yeah. It was wild. I was like, not right now.

Tony's saying good job. On the, like, way to go. And it said shouting, shouting. Wow. Okay, so that person needs to be fired. Right now. I'll send a request into Disney Plus immediately. Thank you.

That'd be great. The most upsetting thing to me in this movie was Kira Knightley's outfit at the end of this movie. Her showing up to the wedding in her nice trousers and a white button down looking like a server. I found that incredibly offensive. what if she had showed up in like a rented sorry she figured it out really fast Katie we have to go back and we'll fix it in most yeah that's so smart that's so smart that's how she should have showed up no you're totally right her mother said like in show girls from the culture yes take you to a shop but you do it like in show girls where they put the bikinis over the girls so you could re-release spend it like Beckham with her and Asari at the end.

They drew bikinis over them? Sure did for when they showed on like VH1. Oh yes. That's so badass. God, I did not know that. What an awesome job. I want to be a titty cartoonist. Just going in and painting.

Yeah, watching a whole movie and having to like having to pay a lot of attention to the There's the titty. So. Got to draw something on that. Got to cover that one again. Oh, it moved, I guess I got to cover it. Okay. I got to cover it.

Okay, okay. Okay, and there she goes again. I'm going to cover that. Okay, Jess still hasn't told her parents about this scholarship. She's afraid they might not allow her to go to the U.S. in her own. Tony, out of friendship for Jess, tells them they'll get engaged as long as she gets to go to any college she wants. That was nice. The bomb was happily accepted.

Yeah, but like, what the fuck? A child? is like, I'll marry her. As long as she gets to do whatever she wants. What? No, how? It's, yeah, there's layers. They happily accept his idea, but Jess immediately confesses the truth

and her mother scold her father for letting her leave Pinky's wedding. Her father says he doesn't want Just to suffer as he did, and he supports her dream. And then if you could believe, there's more movie. I know, for real. I don't feel.

I mean, it's over at this point. My God, to tell Joe of her parents' decision as if Joe cares, the two almost kiss, but Jess pulls away at the last second. She doesn't think her parents would be able to handle another rebellion by her dating an Irishman. And on the day of their flight to America,

the Jess and Jules are saying goodbye to their families and they're about to board the plane when Joe arrives and confesses his love for Jess. Jules' family doesn't even turn around. There's a man yelling. They don't even look back at him. They're like, who cares? We can't hear it.

They have a completely private moment. I find it so weird. The two privately kiss and Jess agrees to sort out their relationship and her parents when she returns for Christmas. Jules sees David Beckham with his wife, Victoria, and takes it as a good sign. And the two leave through the gate, giving happy waves to their families.

While Jess and Jules are away, Jules' parents patch up their relationship, Pinky becomes pregnant, and Jess his dad gets back into playing cricket with Joe. It's such a crazy narcissist thing to do to turn this little gals. She's getting to go abroad. She's getting to play sports. To turn that moment into, like, rushing to the airport. like making it all about you and then being like you have to think about me every day while you're gone like just absolutely die you fucking bitch i really did hate that i was like so annoyed

she's about to have such an amazing and empowering moment and he runs in and it's just it literally does just like stop every hope of her having a good time while she's there now she has to call him and they're going to have a time difference and then she's going to meet someone she likes, but she'll be like, I can't do this because I have this guy over here that I kissed one time, who also made it, he was like, he was going to come when they kissed. Like, he was, like, so, like, ugh, like, it was like, you are. Right below the screen, right below the camera, he was getting head again. Okay, okay, that makes so.

It was a flight attendant guy who, like, runs over and he's like, you need this right now. Yeah, rewatch it with that in mind, and I think it'll make a ton more sense. Every time we see him talking and he's getting head. do post for this movie we're going to do the bottom half we're going to add a bottom half to somebody blowing him it's wild what was happening under there little cutouts you can hold up under your TV it's the extended version with like a little box set tree but can you imagine that like balding man named Joe coming to visit you at your dorm in California I know all the girls I'm like, what's going on with that old guy?

Yeah. Yeah, it's weird. He's showing his scar to everyone. He's like, my scar's worse than hers. Yeah. Yeah, but not really. The worst thing about those relationships is you can't tell that you cannot tell just that she's with an abuser. She won't know until later.

Because she's being abused. She has to make the decision herself. And so you're just like, great, that's six years down the room. Well, until she goes down on Jules and then everything changes. No, no, no. Which is part of our bottom half movie edition. Yes, that's in our bottom, in the bottom half. That's what you're seeing.

You can just hear him, like, calling her while she's at Santa Clara and him just being like, you've changed. Something's different. You've changed. Yeah, like you're really focused on football and you keep calling it soccer. I don't know. He would make her feel bad. He'd be like, it couldn't have been UCLA.

No, you couldn't make it at USC and Santa Clara call. It's like, you know, he'd be fine. Here's what sucks. Devalued discard. I've been in this relationship with that guy as I think both TN and the ER No. And we just replaced soccer with improv, which does make it sadder. We all were all crying. Somehow the podcast is very sad, but they're a few.

It's okay. It's okay. Like I started out loving this movie, but now I'm like, I'm sorry that I've ruined it. No, I'm looking inward. You can still love it. And I don't know myself anymore. You got to retire it. You can still love it.

No, no, no. Honestly, it usually goes... Thank you, Nicole. It usually goes the opposite way where people convince us that we now like things that we didn't like. But we convinced you to not like this, which is pretty tough. Yeah, I think I hate this. This is a win for us. Katie's not there yet.

No, I think it's pretty easy to tell queer people to re, to kind of analyze anything that they loved from their children. childhood and we're going to end up hating it. I would say those things we like. We can find a way that, you know what? Didn't really like it. I do think that's a special power. I honestly, that's a strength and weakness. It's a strength and weakness of the community for sure.

Yes. Okay, well, let's talk about how this film was received at the time. So, according to an interview between CNN reporter, Christine, Amunpur, and director Gerander Chada in 2022, Bennett, like Beckham, holds the record as, the only film shown in every country in the world, including North Korea. What? The first,

wow. This was the first Western film allowed to be shown in North Korea in television to mark the 10-year anniversary of diplomatic ties between the country and the UK in 2010. The film, however, had to have eight minutes edited out for the broadcast to be approved.

Well, maybe we would have liked it more. Yeah. I wonder what parts they edited out. Do you think they edited out every part where they were called gay? Probably. Yeah. Yeah.

Probably. No, no, because they, no, because I bet you that is definitely one of the reasons it was allowed because, like, the propaganda itself is that these women, everybody thought they were gay just for playing sports. You know what I mean? I think that might be a mistake.

I think the movie was just eight minutes long for North Korea. It's a soccer. It's a great movie. Quick in and now. The unfortunate truth, and like this is true, is that like now we can look back on it

and we can, like, you know, absolutely shred it, which is, like, how art works. Like, we can always look back and shred it. But at the time, like, if you really do think about it, this film getting played in every fucking country on earth, focusing on women playing sports, it's amazing. Even if people couldn't get the very obvious subtext of, like, this is fucked up, how we treat women.

Even if you couldn't get that, that is still slipping into the conscious in a way that it wasn't in 2002. Yeah, no, for sure. I mean, everything was like that at 2002. Like, so it's great. And I think it's very interesting. This was the only movie ever shown in every country. It feels like it would be like Transformers or something.

But you would hope it would be bad. Also with, I know we don't like talking about the dads, but it was soft dad representation in this. Yes. Like, both dads were like emotionally, mature and also knew how to regulate their emotions. So I really liked seeing two dads like that. Yeah, they should have dated.

They should have dated. They should have dated. Yeah, two soft dads become two hard dads. Two hard daddies. Do hard daddies. Okay, the film received an 85% on rotten tomatoes and has also been favorably received by the LGBT, LGBTQ plus community members and press,

with one reviewer from Vice noting its discussion of queer themes and symbolic queer undertones. Interesting. And it's a little trivia. Much of this movie's plot centers around the main character's goal of going to the U.S. to play professional soccer for the Women's United Soccer Association and highlight clips are shown of several of the league's superstars.

On September 18, 2003, just seven weeks after the movie's official release in the U.S., the W.S.A. suspended operations due to financial problems. Whoa, they could have just waited seven weeks and there would have been a boom. Yeah. This movie would have helped you. Whoa. Okay, well, we have to take another time out.

We'll be back with more Bend It Light Beckham after this. Everybody say, ready break. Ready break. And we're back with the newcomers draft. We're going to recast this movie with present day actors. Who should we pick? Ooh, who would be... No, I want Kate Blanchett as the coach.

Oh, yeah. Yes. Female coach, great idea. Great idea. I'm going to slide Natalie Portman into Kira Knightley's part. Okay. I just, okay. Okay.

Fine. No, I just, yeah, I don't know. I just thought that since it's the exact same actor, like I thought the whole game was that we were picking in the last year. You're right. You're right. I should pick somebody younger who isn't the same person. person who portrayed the part.

What about, what about Renee Rapp? I was about to say René Rameh. Okay. Okay, that's a really good one. That's a really good. I think Tony would be like a Bowen Yang, I think would be really great.

Okay. Jess Poonam Patel, I think. Oh, Poonam Patel. I want to see Poonham playing some soccer. I want to see Pooning soccer too. She'd be so mad about it. I mean, Poonham, I'm kidding. Kissing Renee is also fun.

Yeah. Putum is the only straight actor that I would let play gay. Yeah. So she can do that version of the movie that we want. Yeah, I want Poonum and Renee to kiss and for us to go, what's their age difference? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also not really care. No.

Yeah, not care at all. And this actually brings us right to our segment, Kiss Cam, where we always talk about what the best kiss was or what we wish happened in terms of kissing. and this movie is the most obvious, I would say, that we just needed everybody to turn and kiss the person that they weren't kissing, basically. Yes, I agree. Kiss whoever's to the left. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I agree. This movie heavily lacked kisses. It also, I also thought like she almost kisses him twice, which was just annoying. I just wanted her to kiss him. Yes.

Just do it. If you're going to do it, do it. It's like, she interrupted her when she was about to do it, and I was like, that sucks. She, like, sounds like she's never kissed anyone. She was about to kiss someone. Yeah. They had even.

something even horrid. The moment that she actually likes him is when he touches her foot. And I thought that was obscene. Oh, that's hot. That's hot. I think Paul is in defeat. I thought it was obscene.

Yeah. Sorry, I thought it was obscene. It was too much. I agree. Yeah. Don't touch my feet. Don't touch my feet. After getting out of some cleats,

touch my little dogs. No, especially after cleats. Do not touch my little dog. Stop slowly peeling off my sock. Oh, boo-hoo. I'm going to touch his feet. Touch my feet while you're talking about your dad. It was all.

Massaging the girl's feet makes me think he's going to, there's going to be a newspaper article about him very soon. Oh, there already is one. Yeah. Yeah. And she's in, in California, and Kieran Knightley comes in and goes, are you okay? Did you read it? Yeah.

Did you see the paper? Did you see the paper? Well, it's time for the scoreboard. Time for reviews. So this season, we're reading reviews from Letterbox, and we're giving the film one sentence reviews ourselves and a star rating. And if you don't know, Letterbox is a social platform where people

can write reviews of the films and you can follow our show on Letterbox at Newcomers. This person gave it three and a half stars. Was it gay though? Is their username? And the review is, y'all, aside from that random straight subplot, it's so gay. Like, I'm not even sure if they realized how gay this was

when they made it. Like, you could argue the whole movie is sort of a metaphor for being gay. Alas, it is not actually gay. RIP to that potential, though, they were practically in love. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Okay, we're all going to rate it and give it some stars. Now that you, you know, your opinions might have shifted. How do you feel about this movie? Anybody want to go first? One sentence. And this is out of five? Yeah. Out of five stars. Not enough smashing three stars. Yeah, I was going to say

Just really needed some tension To be released during this film I'm going to give it three stars Still had some fun But the music was a medicine commercial Okay, then I'll go I would say three stars Can I see the deleted lesbian scenes

Love the music Okay, great See, we balance I'm going to say I saw myself I've never seen myself in a movie before five stars Oh yeah

That's good I thought you hated it I'm glad you stayed true to that We did a 180 again I'm going to give it three stars because I think I would have liked it when it originally came out

but I would have been yearning for more gay And as an adult watching it I'm still yearning for more gay I would have liked football if it was gay. Give me gay football. I think that's the official. That's the new review.

Yeah, give me gay ball. Give me gay football. How many stars did you give it, Nicole? Three. Yeah, okay. Hey, that was really, really fun. I really enjoyed it. Wasn't this like the most fun?

I love this combo. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for having us. That was a blast. Do you guys have anything you want to plug? your podcast jocular just jocular listen to it if you like sports you'll like jocular and if you like women you'll like jocular and if you don't you're a misogynist exactly yeah so go download that if you are listening to the sports season of this podcast it's a perfect pairing you get to double your

sports intake every week um and you all were so hilarious thank you so much ed please if you're listening write a review for newcomers on apple podcasts and rate the podcast stars on Spotify. And we're going back next week with challengers. That's wild. Have fun.

Thank you. We'll see you then. Goodbye. Okay. Everyone say newcomers on three. One, two, three. Newcomers. Gay.

Gay. Gay. Newcomers is a headgummer's original. hosted by us, Nicole Beyer and Lauren Lapkis. Our executive producer is Anya Kanafzkaya. Our producer is Ali Khan. Our theme music, editing, sound mixing, and mastering is done by Ferris Monschi. Listen to new episodes wherever you get your podcasts every Tuesday.

That was a Hidgum original.