Nip Tuck - Am I a Psycho?

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

Are you sick of men calling you a psycho - surely it’s them who make us feel that way. We share your crazy moments during and after relationships. We also give you the best tips to avoid a hangover (courtesy of one of one of our Patreon subscribers) Here’s how to sign up to Patreonhttps://www.patreon.com/niptuckpodThis episode is sponsored by Ziip Halo - you can use our code NIPHALO for 15% offwww.currentbody.com/collections/ziipMusic courtesy of BMG Production Music Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

guys hi and welcome to nip tuck not giving a fuck on a wednesday happy wednesday halfway through the week are you driving to work are you at the gym are you cleaning the house that's when i listen to pod yeah when you need a bit of some background noise yeah we're not background noise we're front ground sorry have you got your earphones in and you are trying to ignore the kids are you on holiday yeah whatever wherever you are we are united as one and tag and share because let's get more people listening yeah okay girls so we are doing a double record today so lauren has just entered her bing bong boo she was like i am so proud of myself today it's not happened yet and we're doing a double record and now this is what lauren does so she'll book 10

million holidays and then we'll have to do loads of double records actually it's me that's going on holiday christina but no no no are you gonna let her speak to me like that with her are you gonna let her do that we were gonna do one next week while she was away ashley it's ashley's holiday no it's her because she wanted her eyes done she made us move christina she's doing that thing where she makes pure shit i thought we were doing this double today so that ashley doesn't have to record remotely on monday take your stuff away with you cheeky cow you're on holiday on monday and i felt so bad usually she is the one on holiday and then she goes it's all right we can do a double record and then she goes i'm never doing a double record again

are you sure are you sure the audacity i i didn't want you the one that asked i didn't want you to have to record on holiday i would have been fine but here we are i'm honestly like i just gaslit guys if you want to know what gaslighting is actually it's just done that anyway wait till you get to the fucking summer yes because she's gonna be waiting anyway my attention span does tend to slip and i can't help it it's just me you will have been to disneyland by now yes tell us so my friend actually sent me a voice note and phoebe who did the makeup you've got to me and you will just love her really she sends me his voice she went darling uh good luck going to disneyland i took my nephew he and she speaks like this she's a myth yeah she said he is my

heartbeat he's my life and soul we don't speak about disneyland now she said when the food she said when you get there they pump some shit through the air and it makes kids fucking horrible she said he's 15 now and i'm still not over it and we don't talk about disneyland she's like so good fucking look um apparently the kids go wild there it's really expensive but look am i going for me no i'm going for my child and i'm just hoping she's not a dick because then i'm gonna be like i don't want to be because we speak this is how we're like sisters anyway i'd be like i don't want to be here i'm here for you like if you're gonna be a dick we'll just go um but hopefully she won't be i've got all the disney merch oh no you're gonna get a picture in your

many mouses yeah you are aren't you i don't i haven't do you know what i haven't thought about that she's got many so if it comes between her wearing them on me for a picture i'll be wearing them um i don't know i have got a mickey mouse top think what you oh my god i've got a really funny story to tell you so once when i was in america um i got lost in the supermarket and it was a massive walmart yeah so i think i was about like four or five and we'd been to disneyland so my mum had a mickey mouse jumper on and i got really lost and this woman was like are you okay child and i was like no i've lost my mummy oh another one one of those english moms yeah oh so they took me to the desk and they were like what's your mom's name and i was like i don't know

she's called mummy and then and then they were like what's she wearing oh my god and i was like a mickey mouse top so they went dun dun dun with the woman called mommy and a mickey that's gonna be me i have got a mickey mouse t-shirt are you gonna take a buggy for her she's six yeah i know what you're saying but honestly all my friends say literally take a buggy because they get really tired and then also you can do you want when do you go we haven't got time i go on wednesday when london i was gonna say do you want to borrow my if you can borrow one of your friends travel buggies or yo-yo because then you can put all your stuff on it i think you got priority some of the places you've got a buggy you can stand in certain areas and put

all your bags down i honestly would take i'll be in the buggy with my mickey mouse t-shirt on and james pushing me i would take that we'll make it into the picture yeah so we're going all good got the merch ready to go getting the snacks are you staying in the princess hotel no do you not remember i don't because it's still a sore subject because i think we should have gone there but james to be fair you know now and again you need pulling down yeah and it was two grand a night that's for a basic room for four of us in a basic room that's disgusting and i was gonna do it i wouldn't because i was like i'm going to disneyland and i'm going to the best of the best she'll be so tired and james is like look lauren totally with you on this you know why is it so expensive

the princess one it's beautiful um and he was just like look that's another holiday and then i was like you're right so we're staying in one i can't remember what it is i don't know the shit one um it's probably 20 minutes away from everyone said to pack snacks yeah so when we finish recording i'm going to mns supermarket oh no no i've spent too much on the holiday and i'm going to get loads of croissants loads of like pre-wrapped shit yeah yeah um plasters yeah neurofen for me um and loads of shit like that my friend put vodka in fruit shoot bottles what an idea and um because they pretended it was like the kids because like supposedly alcohol's really expensive so she put like half fruit shoot half vodka and said that her and her husband just walked around idea i mean

we're not condoning drinking so i will have been to disney and i will let you all know how that goes it's just one of those things that you do is it going to be sunny it's looking like no rain but cloud which i just thought i couldn't if it's sunny everything that's sunny is beautiful yeah like cloud anyway anyway i don't even like rides yeah well it's not about you mate it's about the kids i know we'll enjoy it we're only taking two of them the middle two the besties it's going to be amazing very i've got pajamas as well mini mouse pajamas for me and thea so i'm going on holiday as well you never go on holiday i never go well i've been pregnant for about 10 years um but yes i'm going on holiday we are going to icos always gorgeous in mallorca

stunning um so wish me luck and i'm taking the kids and who's going me amy pudds ed and the kids because my nanny is heavily pregnant fuming congratulations um and i didn't have my new nanny yet when because the holiday was all booked would you not just go without a nanny no why did you just spit in my face um like ew what i don't know no so amy is the godmother to the kids the godmother and i was there like having this breakdown like i don't know and she was like i'm going to come she's gone on a first aid course and everything to like learn and she's like no she like really wanted to come because she doesn't have any kids so she really enjoys being around mine she's gone on a first aid course to go on

holiday yes because she wants to like properly look after the kids and stuff why because it's very cute oh no he's lovely i love amy you know i love amy so yeah so i'll fill you in about my holiday this is going to be so interesting it's like a throuple well the well yeah people will think you're a throuple um we are a little bit uh and the oh by the way the david hay oh in the patreon chat yeah what the fuck was it raya yeah he's on raya someone sent in um a pity must have been right because it wasn't a screenshot it was a picture of the phone of his bio and it was like me and my i can't really remember but me and my girlfriend were basically were looking for someone and his girlfriend was in the bio the way they talk on those swingers sites just makes me

feel a bit old-fashioned when they say like we're looking for another hottie dad like a hottie for our body yeah and like can we it's when like older people are still like really into sex and stuff and he's probably not even that but those words like another hottie to have yeah sexy fun with like to explore naughty times so yeah you will have been on your holidays yes so how is that gonna fit how long are you going for five nights not too bad then no but in the kids club they take the kids from four months old the the icos are brilliant and also sarnie resort in greece are really well it was between there oh god so everything is expensive now though i love my orca though i love it because

i used to go to zafiro as well but i wanted to try something new but now zafiro is i cost price yeah it's so expensive like what the ridiculous also you've booked my wedding haven't you you finally yes it's how are you gonna get up at that time no i'm gonna have to literally probably go to bed 8 p.m because so basically i think i'll be up at what 1 a.m it's away the week before so we can't come can it no um he's in china flight no the week after or something it's like it's like 10 days and he did it recently and i was fuming so he couldn't basically come and get going another holiday because he's busy so our friend steph's you two are going together and i was saying like i'm semi jealous because you're gonna basically have a girl's hall yeah we are we need to book

our hotel actually yes you do and the flights what time seven in the morning no five in the morning so steph booked the gate click because i saw sally and you were literally like were they literally the only times i don't know i don't know but you're getting there because on the day before we have a whole day yeah so you're gonna get there ready to do like a pre-brunch listen it's gonna be fun the kids will be in bed asleep then you can just get out yeah i'm excited because i think you two are going to be have loads of fun i think it's going to be really funny i am excited as well um no i'm not worried about waking up at that time as long as all my shit's by the front door and you just literally and i'm up and out face mask on oh my god i was listening to my

therapist ghosted me another podcast and joanne reminds me so much of lauren like i can't do you think christina and she said that this gives me the fear does everyone else not get this when they have to set their alarm for a certain time and they keep waking up in the night checking like what is that about like this is why i love my um i've got the fake version of the hatch alarm clock i think it's called a loomy right so it is a full-on separate alarm clock and i cannot explain how much better you sleep when you have something like that that you set anyway joanne mcnally put her alarm on because she was coming home from america and she had like a flight she had to get at a certain time and her airpods were still connected to the phone and the alarm was going

off and she said she didn't just overslept like she overslept by like five no it wasn't like she just had to rush it was like the flight left you would have landed by now and it just made me think of you so much before you had kids oh yeah before kids yeah i remember we went to amsterdam me harley and nicola we went on a night out the night before like that kind of shit now i'd be like i'm like everything packed bed by eight lights off if james tries to watch the tally i'm like what no no it's eight o'clock we sleep now um but back in the day we went out the night before and i slept on the sofa passed out on the sofa and my alarm ding-a-ling-a-ling to go to amsterdam and i really considered just muting it and just fucking the whole thing off shut up the other girls have you

ever missed a flight before never have you ever missed a flight before i've not i find that very irresponsible behavior i agree like very you've got one job just fucking get up yeah yeah and like those people i don't get people that sleep in you just get up or arrive late to the airport like they're like why you knew you were getting there when you've got kids as well there is no option of doing that no because then you'll have to drag them one under each arm exactly oh gosh speaking of airports guys one of my friends went to turkey last week oh yeah um and for no no for a holiday she stayed in this resort i've got the name of it to give to you because it sounds very you she said she usually goes to dubai at this time of year but they tried this new like five

star it's not the lujo it's not that one it's a different one it begins with b maybe luxury black or something something anyway she went um was coming back to england and she put in the tray her sunglasses and she said they were like a 700 pound pair of sunglasses really special comes through sunglasses aren't there no yeah through the scanny yeah yeah and she was like my sunglasses were there yeah and anyway long story short like it was getting closer to the flight time and her husband was like let's just go and she was like no i want my fucking sunglasses and they're expecting you to think let's just go and then um they were like right well we're gonna have to ring the airport police they're gonna have to come and take a statement then she was like

fine ring them and she said after like 40 minutes of palaver a girl from the airport security came over like we just found them inside the scanner what really happened was the woman scanning sat there with the sunglasses on this happened to me at manchester airport a few years ago um i was in a rush in a foul mood and i had a clear makeup bag probably about this big but inside that bag it had all my makeup for the weekend my contact lenses and my jewelry and my hair straighteners all that stuff um and the lady kept it kept going out take that tooth chrome out take the straighteners out blah blah blah and then when we got to the hotel it was gone and 100 it had been stolen and one of my friend's husband's watches went missing as well

so what i do now if i have to take like my well i don't travel with stuff like that but if i have to take something in port or i've got my nice handbag or whatever i say to them i am standing and watching it yeah yeah watch it go through and make sure you got your shit girls you know you i think it was you that was telling me they're gonna stop the liquid thing soon yeah they are they've stopped it everywhere else but not manchester i know what the fuck you know it'll make its way up to north soon honestly when i went to america they they don't have it and it was and you don't even have to take like your laptops out no so you shouldn't like the technology the amount of money that was in paris yeah the amount of money we pay we shouldn't have to be

doing shit like that the flights are so expensive i'm gonna go over and look at the wedding venue again and stay in the flights just so expensive and they're so shite and they smell of poo anyway we've got a listener message here lauren do you want to read it out yeah because i actually replied to this lady because i just thought it was so cute so my daughter's seven she goes to a drama class on a saturday and they're doing mini podcasts with the radio station supporting the session how very poosh um so thea and sasky should be so proud of that i know so they say to the little group that she's in what's yours called and what's it about and the seven-year-old says nip tuck and let's talk skincare and i replied to the woman saying as long as it was

only the skincare section that she repeated not the pegging not the pegging they are fully understands the podcast you know fully gets what it is fully because people oh somebody came up to went to chafford centre yesterday a lovely lady and um the the man that she was with came over i didn't know if they were together or friends so i'm not gonna say but came over and was like love the podcast etc and then i also got a message from somebody saying if you saw me staring at you then in selfages it was me and i didn't actually notice but that was really nice oh my god i've watched barbie for the 5000th time again love fear literally makes me watch it all the time and you know when we were watching it james it's the only person that james will

admit that he fancies margot robbie how could you not even i don't care like it's it's not good i don't want to know her skin is well stunning when i was using my zip the other day and i said to james i'm doing this so i look like fucking margot robbie she uses the zip halo doesn't she does you got me onto that didn't you i am obsessed kimmy k also uses it i've heard for her pigmentation this is a setting that you didn't even know that it has yeah it's got so much on that you know why i love it it's got an app that comes with it so sometimes you get something you get your little device and you don't really know how to use it you don't really know how to get the most out of the investment that you've made so it's got an app that you can download and on there it has got

treatment plans so it has targeted treatment plans it's got a video that you can watch because it can do your eyes it can do your jaw your lips oh the lip your lips looked massive i know after literally two minute treatment obsessed and it also has a plan on it as well so they're always changing they've got one at the minute that i'm about two weeks into the 30 day glow literally you follow it for 30 days it's really easy you copy what it says on the app for 30 days and it gives you my skin look at it though ashley absolutely it's been so good you use it for tightening as well don't you i use it for tightening it's amazing for pigmentation fine lines plumping all that good stuff so what i say is it's my little mini facelift device did you see the before and after

i put one half of my face and the other half yes and one half was like snatched because it's got two different currents hasn't it it's got a nano current and a micro current that is basically gets your muscles first of all like a workout for your muscles and then it also does more cellular level so like your skin the brightness the glow as well as the muscles underneath stunning so guys if you want to get involved with the zip halo 30 days to glow you can purchase it off current body have a look at our highlights we also have a code we always do nip halo gets you 15 off it's tiny but it is so powerful nip halo gets you 15 off the zip halo and thank you to zip for sponsoring today's podcast right now here we go guys this is one of our favorites so um a couple of years ago

we did a big episode i think was it the heartbreak hotel one or the revenge honestly i need to re-listen to that again because some of the fucking stuff that went in there like do you remember the girl that said that she sewed the grass seeds in the carpet yeah so she wet the carpet and then sewed grass seeds someone stitched prawns into the curtains yeah um that crabs revenge it was good so there's a website called crabsrevenge.com and you can buy um crabs and into their underwear i don't know if it's still a thing but it was at the time yeah probably isn't now all that stuff and then how we talked about like signing them up for certain spam emails and loads of stuff we've evolved we've evolved we've got more we've got worse so we've

got more listeners with that are even more mental sending your revenge things because we are always looking for tips so on that episode we spoke about revenge but actually we realized that we're just psycho in every part before during and after so we actually just what psycho shit have you done because as women we do get a name for oh she's such a psycho and it's like well are we though if the cat fits yes so here's some of the things that you have done called his mum pretending to be a mum who just found out that he got her 16 year old pregnant wow wow that's fucking intense sent a guy a picture of my ass for 750 quid i'd do that then spent it on my boyfriend's birthday at least you got the 750 present like cancelled his passport

that i paid for we've heard a lot about the cancelling of passports online can't you that is an irritating thing hid one shoe from each pair love that this one's quite good made a fake account commented on my own picture saying that my ex had downgraded oh that's such a downgrade but then that's nasty on the girl but you know it got him in the end didn't it my boyfriend went on a bender so i packed all of his stuff up and dropped it outside the pub and you know that when he gets back from the bender and all these fucking clothes are there i catfished an ex set up a fake account to see if he would slag me off he was eager to meet me i turned up outside his apartment to find out which number he lived in and pretended i was an every delivery driver

and asked his neighbor which number he lived in oh my god he had lived in this apartment for a year secretly so when i found out he was fuming what a good idea to go and be like why did you want to know where he lived to prove a point that he had a secret apartment oh he had a secret apartment the neighbor said hi can you tell me which number john's that please it's an every i'm an every delivery driver fantastic i'm surprised i'd be saying this is whatever he turned up this one's funny signed up to his online coaching so he called me back on an inquiry page poured sugar into his petrol tank oh what does that do oh this one's psycho i got i got ghosted so i liked and unliked all his pictures so that he'd be reminded of me and message me oh mate i had a lad that did

that to me once every now and again he'd like a very old picture oh yeah that's a great technique no but like again and again and again for years do you know what i've done um is have you ever done this where you've they're not messaging you back or whatever so you write a message and pretend like to your friend or something and send it to him and you're like oh sorry or when you piss ups called you by mistake you know what i used to do to fuck people's head up in the middle of an argument i'd type and then delete type oh that's so good and then never send it in the end they're waiting they're waiting yeah yeah or like if you i just keep typing and then getting rid of it typing then getting rid of it do you know what i think screams psycho

is people that change their whatsapp picture loads of times so let me tell you and their instagram profile picture or their bio or their bio their bio if somebody changes their bio on instagram a lot that hasn't got a big following so there's no point messing with your instagram changes the problem you're not making money you're not making money yeah the whatsapp the whatsapp status and it's always on the head no i'm sorry whatsapp statuses heads gone no let's not like let's not trying to get someone's attention that this one's really funny this is proper psycho he cheated so so me and my got me and my mates all new extensions on his business card that's so funny also scaled the side of his moving scaffold truck while he was drinking away what the fuck

driving driving away so while he's driving away she scaled the side of his moving scaffolding that's not a good idea that's not a good idea i entered their password wrong 10 times on purpose on the blackberry and wiped their entire phone i know one of my friends um got a text because you know when you've got chlamydia they text you saying like you've got chlamydia and um and it's this thing called sext s-e-x-t and it says right you can anonymous anonymously enter phone numbers and we will text the people on your i don't know if you have to pay for it or whatever but it is a full-on thing we will anonymously text the people to tell them that they need to get tested literally she was ringing them give me your ex's numbers girls give me your old boss's

number girls like everyone everyone you get a text you get a text on that one where she's talked about putting her past that is password in have you ever done that like try to hack in oh so they get freaked out so when i was just to try and go when i was on holiday at sarnie resort funnily enough um the guy so when we were on the holiday he i realized you went there with a boy yeah and without kids no it was my boyfriend it was when Theo was a baby we were together for like two years without kids with kids with Theo oh I thought you meant without isn't it a kid not necessarily no it's gorgeous anyway went with my mum as well and we went and I was right to think something was going on because what he did while we were there he told the girl he was seeing

that he was on holiday visiting his grandma he what he hid everyone oh yeah because he didn't put stories on of you and yeah yeah and then when he did he made it just so i could see um everyone else and only i could see the story um and i realized that afterwards because when we found out that he'd been cheating she was like well he went with his granny i was like i was on the holiday i was like he was putting stories on was it um yeah yeah um anyway so um when he was down by the pool with thea i needed to go up to get something and he'd left his phone so i was like this is my opportunity so i started guessing the date of birth this that the other this that the other and i disabled the iphone for something like 10 minutes my fucking head next thing i

looked out of the window and he's walking back and the iphone's disabled and i'm running so this is so clever of me um then he saw i can hear him coming knocking on the door and i'm like i can't i can't let you in yeah and i hid the iphone so that he'd think he'd lost it and then when he came in he's like have you seen my phone anywhere and we played a game of let's find your phone and i made sure that it went on that long and i was like it's under the bloody table and it had um undisactivated and i've entered your password five times um that's funny slept with his best mate way no that's a good one that's all gold golden oldie that do you know what though can i just say do you not think that boys sometimes make out that someone's a psycho and you think

well you're the one that made them a psycho which is a bit like yeah sorry this one's quite funny i was stuck living with my ex during covid he kept pissing on the toilet so i cleaned it with his pillow oh they're good um cleaning the toilet with their toothbrush yeah all that good stuff i like that did i tell you i have told this story on the podcast christina's not heard it though honestly her reaction one day at work i worked like in this office you know where there's like three people there and three people opposite and we were all telling stories of like psycho things oh yeah we've done i think someone had split up with someone and we were like do this to them do that to them and then there was like this girl and she was so quiet and she never she was a nurse

she never ever like added anything and she was like i did something once and you're like turned around and we were like go on what and she was like i did a shit in a pan and then cooked my stepmum's steak in it and we all went oh my god we were so she never made me a cup of tea again oh my god everyone never looked i can imagine the tumble all like oh what are they for i am i've said this one when we first spoke right but i when i split with thea's dad and he used to come not that often to get fear once a year i bought a crate of beers oh yeah remember i bought a crate of beers tipped them all down the sink and arranged them as if i was waiting to take them out so we thought

there'd been a man there the night before i went to the shop i bought the beer i and then i borrowed a friend's male aftershave and before we walked in the door to get fear sprayed my house so it smelt like a man had been in and on both occasions he either didn't well he didn't care let me tell you girls it didn't make him care either and you know one thing it just makes me laugh and we've probably all done this that i used to do when it was drop off because obviously at the point i was still heartbroken and when it was drop off i would get to see him once a blue moon but no once a week or whatever and that was my only time i would have five minutes in which we and it makes me it makes me want to hug myself and I had like five minutes in which to try my

best to make him want me back yeah and pass the baby over yeah so I would I would overanalyze what I was going to wear but I didn't want it to like I tried too hard yeah I would wash and dry my hair I would wear like what you never make effort like this anymore I would wear what I thought was minimal because I was I don't want to try too hard I need a bit of makeup and it hurts and I would think what can I say that's going to make him want me back so I'd be like you good yeah I've been great absolutely great I'm going to the gym all the time um anyway yeah have a good weekend I'm busy and it never worked and it just makes me want to hug myself because I know you know like pouring the beer away and being like oh god jingle jangle sorry thought I'd moved those

before you got here was a bit of it it's just me I like I like beer now no one else has been here never picked up have you never also um someone was saying that they sent themselves flowers oh yeah i've taken oh my god you wanna know what i did once what yeah i had a guy yes bitch one of my one of my it went really badly don't i do not recommend um so guy dumped me the narcissist dumped me finished me left me high and dry and then ended up coming back for a short period of time probably because he had nothing else to do for the weekend and i thought this was my chance so i thought what i need to do is make him jealous with somebody that i've been with in the past that he that was good looking and you know that he maybe would

think someone else wants me so we're in the car waiting for takeaway i texted sophie my friend i changed her number in my phone to the name let's say john yeah it wasn't john it was okay and yeah so it was someone that you might think oh aspirational yeah so i changed sophie to john and then i texted so and guys like that always have a problem with like athletes or businessmen because they're like yeah yeah go back to him then yeah and he had a little bit of a chip on his shoulder about yeah so when we were in the car waiting for takeaway i got my phone i texted her 30 seconds ring me because it was connected to the car oh so i changed it to john put my phone down sat chatting waiting for the takeaway oh on the on the big car screen comes up john ringing

and i did this whole act like this oh my god um god that's weird as if i was guilty got my phone couldn't can't think why he'd be ringing reject reject reject it went down like a shit sandwich and he went and he was speaking to him all along i'm glad i ended it oh bugger bugger bugger didn't go to planet it's like abort mission don't ring again because i was going to tell to ring again so like he was hounding me and i was like don't ring again don't fucking ring again it's gone wrong and he's like i knew you were seeing him anyway glad i got rid of you oh bugger and i wasn't seeing anyone else it was all made up um and that didn't go to plan no oh i've got a funny one so i was um seeing this guy and i suspected and i was right there was this other girl on

instagram i don't i've got no idea who she is but i knew like every day i was like checking and um he was abroad where she he was in dubai basically and she lived in dubai and on one of her stories she'd put like that she was watching the moon or something and there was a man's foot in the picture so obviously screenshot it and zoomed in like is it his foot yeah and then me and him were on his phone on my phone and then he was like why the fuck is there that picture of my phone oh my god do you know it's funny how you have a gut instinct because when i you are always right one of the guys that i was with that was was cheating i mean one of them i had this gut feeling about this girl right and he used to like girls pictures it wasn't unusual this one

particular girl i just intuition i just knew um so what i did is i had this feeling about when we