Nip Tuck - Baby showers are sh*te

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

Listen up busy bitchessss this ones for you.We all say yes to things we actually don't want to go to because you're busy (or let's face it you simply cannot be arsed)... we're talking about the dreaded baby showers, birthday brunches or boozy days out you can't afford a new outfit for but learning to say no is vital.So if you're running around like a tazmanian devil, this guide for busy bitches will tell you how you maximise your chill time, minimise the effort you're making to look flawless and help you learn how to say no to the shitty baby shower.Cheers to the busy (or lazy - whichever party you're in) bitches!Don't forget to use the code NIPTUCK at macom-medical.com for 15% off your order on everything including their best-selling bra's, leggings and waist sculptors!Find us on social: @thecosmeticconsult, @laurenelizabeth_xx, @ntngaf, @macom_medical Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello guys and welcome back to your favorite podcast nip tuck and not giving a fuck happy wednesday happy wednesday guys here we are again it's ashley and lovely lauren i'm on my phone right what can i just say because before you say why are you on your phone when we're recording we've just had a message um from a listener yeah and it says just listen to your single mum survival guide episode and i absolutely loved it i used to hold shame around my similar situation i have a 15 month old but listening has reminded me that we are so fucking powerful it pushes you so much to succeed doesn't it so yeah thank you so much for the reminder so before you bollock me for being on my phone i've put it down now thank you my darling

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all need head over to macom-medical.com that's m-a-c-o-m and guess what guys we've got a cheeky discount code for you use the discount code nip talk it's going to give you 15 percent off your order i'm going to talk about what's getting on my tits this week to start with and it's you because you are always what you want to see my face i didn't know i didn't know i was coming i wasn't listening to my face like what me me you're always saying how busy you are can i say what's getting on mine first every week no one lets me say what's getting on my tits you so i love you to death but i honestly you want to see my face now like you need to come around to my style of life a little bit more because i just feel like you are so busy all the time and you're always

rambling on about how busy you are because you have you have access to things i don't know oh i i agree i agree that i could be considered a busy a busy fool you are a busy i could be considered a busy form you are like your tasmanian death but it's like today for example okay right so i don't have the baby on a wednesday night she's with um her grandparents and her dad and then i get her on a thursday normally i work a bit on a thursday as well while i've not got her and then i'll get her at like three so today we're recording you don't you're not interested so to listen because i just hate lauren go well it's only three i've got to get her at three now recording we're recording today so i'm on the fucking minutes to

fly to get her that's why i'm always in a rush because i have to pack so much but you get more holidays all of us i do go on holiday a lot don't i yeah this is why my life is so hectic i'll be honest it's because i'm not willing yeah to give anything up yeah this is right so i'm trying to do everything onto today's topic which is lauren's a prick again this is the busy bitch guide to life wow okay yeah and i would call myself a lazy bitch i would yeah i have a nap every day wow if i don't have my nap then that's not realistic ashley like i agree right i'm sure that you've got everyone can fit a little nap in charlie has a nap see charlie is about 20 with no kids no fucking responsibilities yeah i

bet she has a nap so did i right i think you are in a different world for one however i do also think i am too far the other way and i think there's a middle ground that we can help other people to achieve and help me to achieve but i'm not i mean a nap a day fuck off so my idea of looking at like my nap is when i blink is which isn't that much anymore because my eyes have been my eyes been chopped off i make everything as easy as possible i agree sometimes i make things more difficult i'll tell you what else i do and i know i do it you over commit yourself i over commit and i people please you are a people please and i want no but it's not just that i want to please them because i want their acceptance it's not that anxiety and i care i know i want i

don't like putting people i want to do everything i can i don't want to ask for help i want to be everybody's everything so the first section that i'm going to start on is life so that you've just covered that bit there at the end of this fucking thing can i tell you what's getting on my tips yeah yeah sure fine so okay i honestly think the first stage of because we all need to slow down i mean not me because if you slow down you'd be dead yeah so it's the commitment thing like this week and the week before everyone's weddings now because the covid's finished so it's they're all coming through all these wedding invites and obviously my baby's coming in april and they're all in summer and they're all in different places yeah and they're all over the place and i will

have just had a baby and you know sometimes you put all that pressure on yourself do you remember oh i remember oh god i've got this in the morning and you'd be up at 4am like how am i gonna get myself ready the baby ready yeah yeah do you know what i've just said have you said no to everything see i get fomo a little bit i know but you have to not but then there's part of me that thinks you live once i could be dead tomorrow i agree every holiday i'm saying yeah every event with my friends i'm saying yes like that though yeah but like you know a wedding that's really far away and you'll have to get child care i want people to think i care enough to go but then you send a lovely gift and take them out for lunch i've got no money no i'm joking i have

so my right this is what really annoys me about certain people you don't actually do this because like you said you beat yourself up that much you actually show up but how fucking annoying is it and men always do this as well they go just say yes to it just say yes yeah and we'll decide no that's not okay that would give it me anxiety letting people down so what i think is this thing yeah yeah you're right you're right this advice right remember this is you get the invitation yeah you have a chat with your partner no no you have a chat with your partner okay let me remember to chat with my partner sit down and you're like right let's have a thing okay two days i'm funny today aren't i charlie everything i say she's really laughing if you've got that instinct of

i'm not sure yeah say no straight away yeah but ash sometimes there's lots of things i don't want to go to but i really like the people and i know it means a lot for me to be but i don't want to leave a newborn baby no you've got an excuse i haven't had a baby though and there's four i can't blame her anymore i can't use her anymore but i do know what you're saying and i believe i am starting now like when we get we prioritize i am a little bit so we get asked to events a lot and i used to say yes to every fucking event because it is tiring it's tiring and and i know i used to think i used to be really flattered oh thank you yeah and now i decline some yeah or when brands want to send you stuff and at the time you're like yeah yes so this used to kill and

then you're like oh my god you might have noticed people that have followed me for years probably since thea which most of to be fair mine or mine have because they just love the car crash they know i'm gonna do something embarrassing soon so they're waiting for it um they have followed me I used to do a lot of brand stuff. My Instagram used to be so much more popping than it is now. I used to always

put theers, outfits. I used to do like holiday hauls, recommendations and I used to do it. I had a bit more time then and I used to, anyone that said,

can I send you something? I'd be like, yeah. And then they'd send me Spanish baby clothes and she wouldn't be seen dead in any knee-high fucking socks and oversized nappy things. So what did you do?

I used to put her in them and now I'm like, she won't wear that and I'm not doing it. Unless it's something you really want unless yes it might be free but i didn't want it anyway no so i used to get anxiety with the things in my spare room mounting up that had to be photographed yeah so now the reason i do very little on instagram i don't like the worst thing that you suggest to the spanish baby clothes

were really bad because i hate that look or like each to their own i hate that look oh i like it yeah yeah you do i think they're like fucking dickheads and i wouldn't dress there in something that if i would i go around in a bonnet and a big pair of bloomers you can put a bonnet on them you want to put a bonnet on them no and if i wouldn't wear it she's not wearing that's my kid she's a reflection of me i'm no dickhead do you know what i mean no we're disagreeing on something okay well anyway so that one of the worst things what else have i been sent oh i can't i'd have to think about this and tell you next time but i get sent things i would never in a million years buy anyway now i say no yeah now i say no to events now i say no to meals and nights out oh then i used to

nights out so now i'm coming up to 30 weeks pregnant for example it's one of our best friends birthdays next next week who the fuck is that on it what do i need to do birthday um and they text me and they were like right can you come to here at 9 p.m 9 p.m i was like oh no i'll be in bed at 9 p.m yeah but you're pregnant you've got every excuse right but what i'm saying is let's all look at start scaling back and organizing our diaries so that i can then think right i've got that day i can go and have a massage or lie in bed never in my life has that happened to me unless i've been unwell yeah i have to have my free time i block out in my diary and i say i'm busy to people but also being realistic darling most women if they're not

with the if they haven't got the child they're at work yeah i used to be at work all the time i used to get home from work no you used to work so fucking hard however for example for me if i this isn't all the time because obviously i do have care so say she's at her dad's that's my day to work because i need to get the money in and oh i get that but then in the evening go home and rest i go to bed at seven you do do lots of things which i think like are unnecessary you don't even want to do them though do you sometimes no and i go do you know i'll tell you what one thing i have learned and i don't know how anyone else feels about this with children sort of similar age to fear where they're not babies where they just shut the fuck up and let

you enjoy taking them and they're not children where they benefit from it she's at an age now where for example halloween i have this feeling and i'm sure and i know you did because you went and fucking did pumpkin picking you get this thing that you have to do this with them at christmas i spent a day organizing events she needed so many christmas events to see santa my diary was full and can i tell you she was a twat the whole time everything she would have just wanted to be in her dramas and watching films and yes and one thing and i she was so fucking ungrateful when i took her to see those penguins in dubai yeah she was so fucking rude and because it cost me a fortune night do you think i want to be there in the cold i don't care what fucking penguins look like

so i took her and then i was really arsey with her because she wasn't enjoying it yeah that's my problem not her she's four she would have wanted to be on the beach with a bucket and spade yes yeah so one thing i certainly have learned and did i say to her i will never take you to anything again yes i did yeah yeah and i'm not gonna now so what i do with her is gone right down yeah and like when saskia was newborn i used to take her to like all these classes yeah and they're not to benefit no and like the only thing i did was worry the night before when she wasn't asleep and think shit i've got baby sensory at 10 a.m if it works for you and everyone else is going i'm not and i'll let everyone down oh my god this time am i gonna book baby sensory if you

want to go to baby sensory go yeah no pressure so that's one thing i have done less and i do think we we look online and we see these families and these mums taking them to every fucking place and i'm sure people think of it think about me when they look at my insta like shit she's taking her there yeah she's taking her there and yeah i did and most of the time it resulted in me on the way home saying you are ungrateful yeah so let's just and like i said to one of my friends i'm not having a baby shower the other day and she was like why and i was like because number one no one will want to come to them no i'm glad you're not and then she went ashley i'm so glad you've said that because i'm so single and so poor and i don't want to go to baby shower on a sunday and i don't want

to have to buy a gift and i went i completely agree with you i completely agree that and i would have gone and i wouldn't have wanted to go no exactly when i on my baby shower i didn't enjoy it anyway and please everyone don't invite me to your baby shower because i don't want to come right okay so how do i then politely decline because the only thing i know how is to make up a lie yeah okay so i read this book and i'm not good at that like i would say i've got an operation and then forget and then that day post myself at the gym oh or i'll say thea's ill and then post a picture of a not ill i can't lie i can't i can't insert but i'm not i'm the worst liar and i forget my lies yeah i forget the lie that's yeah like i'm shit at yeah i forget the lie so

i'm interested in kind of how you say you don't want to go and there's no other reason other than you can't i've talked about this book before oh the art of saying and there's also one about the art of giving less fucks or something yeah it's called the art of saying no so what she says in this book is basically like i said you need to say no immediately i agree because it's rude otherwise because it's rude otherwise and then the anxiety list yeah the people that they want to invite they may have to pay deposits so you can understand their pressure you say no straight away so don't do that boy thing where they put it to the back of their mind and then you're like asking them do you know what i think when you're organizing something really you you do care if

people go but if not you just want to know if you're not coming right when i put an rsvp date on something if someone's not responded by that date that's a good idea put a date on it and then if not you're out respond by this day i like that i like that and then when they tell you a week before because they've split up with someone and they want to come no no i don't like that i like that so i would honestly just say just say no from the get-go because then they can move on with their plans and you can move on with yours and your best i mean i wouldn't lie like and say i'm having surgery or something like that but i would just say i'm waiting to hear back on something so count me out for now but then it's your best mate she goes why what are you waiting

to hear back on um my results of it i think i'm dying it's really bad um no i think i think being it depends who it is doesn't it as to how i think i've got something on that weekend you know count me out yeah that could be a loose friend if it's a close friend you could say a little bit listen i'm gonna be honest i'm a bit skinned i might be fine by then but don't fuck you around count me out for now yeah but like abroad weddings i'd had one of them didn't i yeah i know but we wanted to go yeah and like i feel like no one really had kids at that point oh my god no and now everyone in the party now everyone's got kids everything changes and and i think you need to tell people kids or not kids straight away but also your annual leave like using your annual leave what's

do you have that fuck you and your leave from being in bed yeah my nap my nap i'm owed a nap no i agree to be fair i don't either i'm saying all this to you yeah i don't work that much like i'm saying i'm busy but actually hours wise i don't fucking we've got an agent now babe you're gonna be working oh my god no i am gonna have to prioritize now because instead of you just being like oh lauren i'm gonna have somebody guys we've got something to tell you what well we've just half said it we've got an agent we've got an agent we'll talk about that in a bit so that's our guide to the saying no to shit yeah now the next one is this is one for you and i've been telling you this for years right do you know girls listen to me so this is the lazy bitch guide

to like looking good and fashion and stuff like that i mean i'm not to everyone's taste but here we go not to your taste and if you don't think i'm tasty then you're shit so not everyone's got good taste when you get hair extensions nail extensions eyelash extensions oh the commitment the commitment to those appointments is and i have them all hours and you have them all and i'm sorry that i'm bored i'm telling you're not going to be bored i'm telling you i'm gonna say take my extensions like you can fuck off right it's all right for you mate no i'm sorry it wasn't all right for a long time you have never in your entire life even when you were born you didn't have hair as thin as mine no you didn't no you didn't have great hair maybe at one point you

have never oh i don't know i'm having you know you have never had as little hair on your head as me so fuck off i'm not taking them out eyelashes again you have got long eyelashes yes the better i've got i mean you've got eyelashes on but they're better than they were but you're i am not i have no hair on my body right apart from my labia which is irritating but i'm just saying these appointments all add up so i personally made the decision to spend the downtime during covid where i agree i had to strip my hair back into a bun i couldn't because i got a new boyfriend in covid i just stripped my hair back into a bun and put it in a bun and put treatment on it every day and comb it back i used to get up in the morning wash it put the treatment on comb

it back and i did that every day and it looks like a no i understand what you're saying but it worked but not it worked in the long run some people don't have good hair okay something else that's gonna save you time what you do it actually said my own eye makeup right yes so this is something that i was thinking when we were thinking about doing this episode i was thinking what can i contribute here because it's kind of because it's kind of not helpful not me but one thing i do find speeds things up you're just saying about appointments so hair extension i don't agree on because i've got i've got a tuft of hair yeah however in my pubic region that's it however you've got more hair i've got more hair on my fanny than on my head okay however and there

are certain things i think you can do and one of them is tinting eyebrows so i think any appointments that you can miss because you need to get to get a babysitter to get out the house it takes you 20 minutes to get there right let's prioritize then

so or semi-perm makeup yeah now we've spoken before a bit about microblading and we don't think that we've had the best results and you don't like microblading

no I hate it I however I agree with you on that to be fair it's illegal in some countries but a semi-perm eyebrow with a stroke using a machine

and a powder brow yeah I'm fully up for same I'm at the minute trying to get mine off so I can get them redone yeah

eyebrows if you have a semi-perm eyebrow out your life you don't look like a mole if you don't have the semi-permanent makeup you can get tinting kit hd kit henna kit google online on youtube how to do it and do your own i do mine um more than once a week actually i tint my own eye and that is one appointment gone i also um wax or pluck my own that's one i think you first have to go to the appointments to get them to a maintenance stage um but once you're at that that's one appointment saved secondly false nails lip blush lip blush so i do lip blush as you guys probably know um which is semi-perman makeup for

the lips you can have it mine's quite quite dark to be fair i never ever ever have to put anything on my lips i do want to go out to overline them a touch but actually my color makes you not look dead you don't look dead when i wake up in the morning my lips have a beautiful color and as a busy mom then that is huge yeah these things that you can do um eyeliner tattoo have you have you seen this i've had it so when i saw eyeliner tattoo we do it where i work no because i've always got my eyelashes on i could have it now they're off for a while um you think eyeliner tattoo when you think oh what the fuck it's in your it's in your waterline it makes you look like you've got a denser lash okay so good for blonde hair so good so there's another one anything

that you can do that is more permanent gel nail care this is what just about to say that gel nail kit so you can paint them on stick them under the lamp it's an investment at first i think it's about 80 quid the one that i got you can do that every two weeks you can in film whatever you can do your fingers on your toes under the lamp when the kids are in bed therapeutic as well having where i put my phone to one side i don't now do my own nails i did used to no but that's fine however that then saves you a three three every three weeks and the money the money but also the time so i hate appointments i fucking hate them the appointments that i go to are not for fun the for necessity i hate going to the hairdressers i hate having my eyelashes done because my eyes

are closed and i could be on my phone checking my emails and i get agitated so anything that i involves me not going to an appointment yet getting for me it's a necessity i need these things right so my what do you call non-negotiables right okay so if this is my business also don't have a spray tan find a really good tan follow ashley she's always looking at time i don't really wear fake tan so basically i don't wear makeup unless i actually have to and i would recommend that to everyone especially now if your workplace insists on you wearing a mask it's it's macne don't bother putting makeup on because you're only going to end up in a mask knee situation and you can't see half your face anyway it's dirty and you know when you take your mask off

and it's got all foundation on it's gross okay so hair look after it try and make it grow as much as possible there are lots of supplements that you can take to help your hair that zany skin fusion one is very good that we take um skin oh my god this is a big thing right so i only started really looking after my skin probably about five six years ago before that i would spend all my money on makeup and yes i agree what was the point in that when my skin looked absolutely shit i've started to learn about this i was wasting time and money going to these you're masking the problem instead of masking the problem so literally you want to just think would i be comfortable someone seeing me with no makeup on that is my end goal in life to never

have to wear makeup and look like flawless yeah exactly so skin i fully agree with you here um and i had a peel recently which i do need to talk about here because to be fair it is one of the best things i've had isn't it i told you to get that one yeah and it's unreal and it's unreal it was it was expensive i'll talk about it another time because i can't be arsed now however all these things that can make you look as good as possible skin is your number one people say what makeup do you use your foundation's amazing it's not your foundation always it's your fucking underneath so the outlay is big initially like i've just convinced charlie to buy these peel pads oh my god they're so good and she was like ashley these life-changing the dennis gross peel pads

they are life-changing it's like having a facial in a packet so there's a 18.5 don't go for a facial appointment do it once a week at home i've got my led mask at home as well but i must say i would rather go to a facial appointment than a nail appointment because i honestly think you need an esthetician to say to you use this don't use that this is imbalanced this is someone that will keep you on track because then you're not masking it with foundation every day you don't feel like crap when you take your makeup off can i just say something about facials that's really i would never i hate spa facials as in using i'm not going to say the names that's what i was going to say nothing wrong with elemis however the only oils well no the only skincare that i will use is

cosmeceutical um where basically that means it's medical grade so you have to be prescribed it doesn't mean outrageous ripping your skin off it just means it's a higher level spend your money on that guys not on fucking people i've nothing against elemis it made me really sad at work when girls would come in and they'd be like hi i really want fillers and they'd have cystic acne yeah sort your skin before you get a pointy chin and obviously i can't say that rhymes to people before pointy chin but yeah sort the skin being a lazy bitch back to it right once a month i go for a facial i've been for three this week oh my god you've i've been for three you've been for so many in a week but my skin looks amazing yeah it looks good um so i think pick your priorities here

yeah so skin what's your priority and everyone's got different ones and then semi-permanent makeup semi-permanent makeup is the best lazy bitch thing ever semi-permanent makeup is brilliant also your supplements even though it is ag you don't get ill as much so you've got less pressure on you less downtime on you yeah and then also with regards to the supplements you have more energy your nails are better your skin is better and your hair is better so you you're working from within and then you don't have to keep having all this shit done exactly the reason we're saying lazy bitch guys obviously these things take up so much time don't yeah and like i don't want to have to spend an hour every day putting my makeup on

some of my friends wake up an hour early to put makeup on fuck that one of my friends her husband's never seen her without makeup on like how could you be arsed with that that's not my goal also i don't go for blow dries anymore because i find it really hard to get a good blow dry i've never liked blow dries i hate with a passion a curly blow you i've never seen you with a because i look like the president's wife princess diana i look like a prick and i feel like a prick i am not a bouncy i oh no i just just not for me the good thing about the lazy bitch thing is you put your olaplex or your whatever in your hair and literally strip it back don't put any makeup on you've got your gorgeous skin because you have a little low bone little like a little low bone

right clothes is the next bit right i think you need to stick to one color a small color palette so everything matches we do we do black i do black gray white yeah but this is my trick because then you have to buy so much to match all the color pop have a few key nice good quality items because if you've got a nice pair of trainers and a nice coat... You can wear... Wear whatever the fuck you want. You can wear fast fashion, whatever, everything else.

You can wear any leggings or anything underneath. A nice pair of sunglasses, maybe. Agreed. Or a good pair of sunglasses is great for the school run, isn't it? So I've just got a Fendi pair and I actually got them off Depop, guys. Right, I buy loads of stuff off Depop and eBay. And do you know what?

Also, they have some vintage stuff that's cute. i had a had a depop drama this week didn't i tell which one those so i'm obsessed with vintage stuff so i always buy loads of vintage jewelry and sunglasses and it's still expensive but i just love the fact that like it's really 90s and i love all that anyway i bought this pair of sunglasses and i think they were like 300 quid still were they those sunglasses yeah they're like mind you the vintage like special there's a difference between like secondhand and it said on them excellent condition so i thought like oh you don't need to question that they came oh they were hanging they were disgusting they were covered in makeup and you know what that

would have taken a finger in a baby wipe get your nail in the baby i've messaged her and i was like babe like look at this and she went i'll give you 20 quid and i bet you're like okay i was like no i was like no you're giving me at least 50 quid back or i'm sending them back to you yeah yeah Anyway, it's with Depop at the minute, so I'll update you. I'm such a Karen. But it feels like a little win. When you buy something off eBay or Depop, doesn't it? You get a buzz.

It's like a buzz. And I love sitting there at night looking through all this stuff. Yeah, I enjoy that. I like that. I'm all right with secondhand shit. That's fine by me. Yeah, exactly. Vestiaire is another great site, and it's only designer stuff on there,

and it's all been authenticated. So you know that you're not getting fake foot. but i follow all the handbag things so i follow luxury promise and celia knightsbridge so they do all the designer stuff and the amount of fakes that have got through vestiaire recently is massive really yeah so i'm like oh but then with the vintage stuff i know it's not fake yeah yeah i know what you mean i think i think people need to like we said just staple pieces a gorgeous pair of trainers boots we get loads of stuff that's pre-loved from hush yeah yeah and that's fine and then everything else oh like i say color palette i really believe you're mainly black aren't

you i do a bit of gray and white and black um because then everything you buy matches everything else you don't have if you get color things like beige by the way i do not do you remember that beige outfit i wore once and i looked like i was completely naked i don't see you babe i don't see beige at all however i have to be a supermodel yeah yeah it's just not the look of very tanned and dark hair yeah yeah so if you start adding like beige in you then need trainers to match the beige a coat to match it all gets a bit confusing yeah stick to a small color palette everything goes with everything and i find that if like so you've got the odd designer thing you've got that off-white jumper i've got a few i love off-white they wash so well and like yes with

some of the other stuff that we buy you put it in the wash three times and it comes out and it's like like this tops are in sweaty betty today and it's not the best that's the thing whereas so if you've got a really lovely off-white hoodie saints jacket yeah all saints is good for that um if you've got like a an off-white or whatever hoodie yes they're expensive but you can put a pair of 10 pounds plt leggings and a cheap pair of whatever like sandals when it whatever and you've got your designer like you'd still look and feel good or your expensive sunglasses or handbag so that's kind of like in the morning when you're rushing out to get the kids to school or rushing around to do some errands good coat pair of leggings good pair of trainers nice pair of

sunglasses and whatever shit is in your wardrobe now wait i've got i've got a hack go when i go on holiday yeah spend half a day outfit planning so i pull a rail out and i have my itinerary of everything that i'm doing on holiday written down yeah i do that on my notes yeah and then i try all my outfits on from jewelry to handbags to shoes yeah i think that's because my plan is being pissed the whole time i'm on holiday you just need to pull it out and put it on exactly and like on holiday you don't really wear much makeup i fully agree with you on this one it takes time to do it though however it is annoying when the kids are in bed guys i'm lazy as fuck i go to bed then that's when you need to be doing stuff because if you in those they got about half seven in those

three hours i go to bed and then i could have had three hours doing things like this yeah and so what i do is i plan everything and then i put the outfits in piles with a note on top saying what it what it requires day one ah right okay this this and then also another hack is you know when you do an online clothes order yeah and you're like getting in from work not want to go to work but yeah throwing it all on and you're like having a look through and you feel fat and ugly and you've not got your tan on and your hair done and nothing looks good wrong time to try stuff on do it in the more i do it in the morning when i'm skinniest really yeah because i'm thin and like just before like yeah and i make sure i'm ready for the day and before i go somewhere i've done some this

morning i tried some stuff on this morning like where did you get it from um i get so i just got some stuff off miss pat from there oh my god that coat love the quality was gorgeous i'm gonna try i don't get anything i get everything off there i got these trees oh send them back they were horrible i get everything off there um it comes next day they are never late never some other ones are always never next day but yeah they're always on time i got um a few little bits but i do it in the morning when i'm slim but when i get ready to go somewhere a bit of makeup if i am and then i try things on at night time you're fat and tired and also you are better you know like if you working before you go out always outfit plan the night before yeah that can put you in a

horrible mood a lot of it is organization so one thing i'm really big on and my house the one that i had before was like a show home right when you walked in nothing was out of place fucking nothing if you walked in my apartment and you went why is it why is it so messy i can't think straight like that if you have a busy life these are one these are something that i think really helps number one a tidy clean car because if you can't yeah no no right now i haven't right now i haven't however normally i've got a really tidy car and it's clean and my head feels like i know where it's at my house has nothing out of fucking place right the reason this makes sense is if everything's got a place every time you're running around the fucking house looking for something that's a minute

of your life wasted every time you are going in one room to get this then the other room to get that that's another minute wasted so what i always used to do at my other house is i would have everything everything had a place it was color coordinated my wardrobe my trainers were all in a row move into my house i swear i was so when i'm looking for an outfit i've got i go to my long sleeve though i go to my long sleeve or my short sleeve the color coordination the trainers are all lined up it takes me two seconds to get ready thea's is exactly the same the night before i used to have thea's outfit planned out i do that just do things i have a school uniform on a hanger with the tights the knickers yes same thing same and at the time you can't be arsed

but the way i look at it is life is so well mine is so hectic and most of the time my brain bear in mind i have three different jobs in life and i'm a single parent my and i'm trying to be go to the gym my life and my and date is my brain is split constantly i would say eight ways in every one minute i'm thinking of eight different things so if my house is then a tip i fall to pieces because my brain's so occupied i have to have everything in its place so everything is smooth throughout my day and i still wouldn't run around like a tasmanian devil yes do you do and what's your guide to like looking because you look great like body wise as well uh body wise fitness wise I go to the gym as much as I can

and what I tend to do is I have a PT. Expensive. Really expensive. Can be really expensive but mine isn't that expensive because I think if you buy blocks it's sometimes cheaper

and I have them all booked in six weeks in advance. Okay, so they're in my diary. I have three a week and it's in my diary. What? Three a week? Yeah.

You train three times a week? At least. And then you say you're busy all the time. Yeah, because I need to look banging. What the fuck? I do, at least. yeah when i'm on one in lockdown i trained every fucking day because my friend had a gym yeah my friend had a gym and no one was in it so it was like covid free and i could go in train leave

so i trained nearly every day then when i wasn't working god no so anyway i'd rather have a nap but it's all in my um diary it's planned in advance so i mean i'm sorry but you just asked me what my hack is to looking at there is no alternative well what would you do well i go to classes that i can drop in and out of because at the minute you can't commit my energy levels are all over the place i just feel like when you're pregnant like everything's different it's yeah it's hard work so i do reformer pilates yes i really want to come on david yeah but when yeah exactly well we'll try um so i do reformer pilates but i literally just like book it on an app the day before but then also i've got that aloe yoga app and it's actually so good so i've

got my mat in my living room and i put it out and then do you do it though i don't know i do it i have to go and be beasted they're 15 minute workouts and they're really really easy so i do them and then also do you know what i just think get your steps in yeah i don't i don't hate apple watches so i wouldn't know how many steps i've done i think they're fucking disgusting shall i not say that in case we get sponsored by apple i don't think apple would give a fuck about us i've got one um and it is addictive apparently you hate them and when you've got one you you convert yeah i'm not having one never ever you know i can't tell the time i've got a watch on now don't know what time it tells i can't tell the time what the hell my dad used to work abroad

um and he worked abroad for very long periods of time when i was up until being a like starting high school i lived in different countries we'll talk about another time maybe i used to actually live and go to school in another country called georgia which is um the former soviet union anyway whatever i used to go to school they used to speak it fluently i lived in georgia when we did telling the time at school year two maybe so i fully missed it and i fully missed tying shoelaces so i missed it completely i wasn't at school then and i did go to school somewhere else but we obviously didn't do that the tying shoelaces people picked up on really quickly my mum picked up very quick i couldn't do it so she taught me telling the time nobody picked up on um and i can

tell it but i very very slowly and i panic so if someone says to me if you said to me now looked at my watch and went what time is it lauren i would my instantly panic runs through my body i panic and then because i'm panicking i can't work it out and i know that i should be able to look at it and go oh it's such and such so the panic sets in more because how i do it's 5 10 15 i do it like that right back to um the lazy bitch guy just flooring shite telling the time story so with regards to weight i would literally rather eat you know rabbit food yeah small meals then start and like be hungry yeah then go to the gym so i used to be exactly like that and i was like that we need to we definitely need to do an episode on this i was like that and i used your nutrition

oh no i used to eat very very little but not do any exercise and i got to my goal amazing now well that's because i go to the gym so i got to my goal weight and i looked in the mirror still didn't look good and i was like what is this you had no muscle i had no tone it's tone i had saggy skin cellulite yeah i was thin as fucking clothes but going to the gym i swear is i i don't want to i hate it i don't fucking like it so eating healthy i do manage to do you do that very well so i always think in the morning is how you start the day if you start the day badly with your eating like if you have a round of toast then you crave carbs all day yeah sausage butter everyone's yeah egg and bacon that kind of thing so in the morning i have a ginger shot then i'll have a juice

and then at about 11 12 o'clock instead of making a big lunch then i'll have a piece of sourdough toast with some scrambled eggs yeah i prefer um to eat less in the day and then save anything for night when i'm picky picky do you like save my cows for night time what do you eat for dinner we've digressed yeah but what do you eat for dinner not much we've digressed yeah you eat i eat shit food but not much of it so the problem what did you have for your tea last night tell us tell us what you had for your tea like bangers and mash what did you have a microwave meal cottage pie with a massive massive bowl of broccoli because i knew i needed some goodness but i've been really busy and i just needed to eat the night before that

i had beans on toast i like beans with a fried egg yeah um yeah so my lazy bitch guide to dinner as well is make everyone in the house the same thing for dinner i'm not making three dinners right women you need to put your foot down early some of my friends if you start start letting those kids think they can have what they want start letting your husband think he can have you will never get over you start from the beginning we all eat the same you don't eat it you don't eat you starve yeah yeah yeah because who the fuck should be making three dinners if you're making three dinners women you take a look in the mirror and say i am a mug i am a yeah exactly and do you know what else i would say like get a cleaner i had a cleaner i've always

had a cleaner and i will say the money i pay for a cleaner is worth every fucking about 12 15 pounds an hour yeah and it's worth every and if you've got say a four three bedroom house what i used to keep three four hours mine mine only used to be two i used to keep on top of the majority don't get me wrong but i never i haven't cleaned a bathroom in years clean bath no i'm not doing it i've not cleaned my kitchen i do wipe overs i keep everything tidy and clean it yeah surfaces vacuum you know when i can't iron i don't iron no here's another here's another tip if you can avoid ironing i've not ironed in years by a steamer as you need it good hang it up straight away steam i even steam over my bed yes i don't iron i don't even have an iron yeah i don't have

an iron i've got a handheld steamer and it was one of the best things that i've ever bought that's gonna cut down your time cleaning those hours of the day that would be spent cleaning i would give that money again how good is that feeling when the clean when you walk in walk into the house and all the beds have been changed yeah it's beautiful and the dishwasher's been empty mine didn't used to do the bed change so you don't have to you can do kind of prioritize what jobs you don't want to do yes i would say getting a cleaner if you can afford it you need to look at the benefit because honestly i would pay and i would pay that and have no and i'd have no starbucks because the starbucks i would drink right would have added up to a cleaner calories in them

listen to this guys so today we were getting a delivery and i couldn't decide what to get i'm the most boring person when ordering drinks i get a black coffee and that's it and i'll tell yeah and everyone laughs i'll tell you why i get a fucking black coffee and i'll tell you why my body looks good ashley because i don't wait said to the big pig she said she says pointing the fat i don't waste calories on drink i drink only black coffee or water do you not drink fizzy drinks none i don't drink fizzy drinks i drink a cordial i like cordial tell us the calories okay as we were ordering our deliveries today i thought i'm going to be adventurous so as i'm doing it on delivery on starbucks it actually tells you how many calories they have in them also so i just

thought i'll have a little look i wouldn't mind something a bit fruity today a bit different i'm going to change it up because we're recording and i'm going to try something else so i started looking through and they've got the calories right this to me sounds um like it isn't that fattening so i might it might be something that i'm going to say i'd be tempted to have can i just find it though guys okay so um a cafe latte with what kind of milk i haven't got that far and i'm not getting into that just this is an idea what would normal right okay just normal milk whatever 80 calories 143 that's a packet of crisps right my black coffee you want to know yeah four calories right okay so then we're going to go into an ice no i'm going to pick something

that you might not think would be that fattening um okay matcha everyone's talking about matcha green tea it's mingy don't care everyone's on about it 144 right that again is a packet of it gets worse i've not picked the bad ones they can go up to 300 calories a drink a drink that's just for a little something would you eat honestly let me tell you some more coffee frappuccino 221 okay yeah um if we go a vanilla cream we can go up to 500 calories okay one last thing to hit you guys with now a cool lime starbucks refresher it looks like water it's water yeah liming yeah that's healthy it's lime whatever 100 calories can i tell you something vile that i found out the other day wasted lemon iced tea 54 i'd have that no do you know i wouldn't even

have that can i tell you something can you tell i've just found this out and i'm like shook you ready do you get the big dip when you order a dominoes yeah right guess how many calories that dip has got in it like like the cream the the sour cream garlic and herb absolutely yeah guess 675 calories in a pot in a pot in the big pot 675 that is the same as a pizza no wait till i tell you the calories in the pizzas pieces are bad can i just tell you something really quick for homemade pizza a wrap um with yeah an oats wrap so like um don't get weight watchers the really high in um salt uh but just like a normal oat wrap there's about 112 calories in one wrap um get some passata and just put it on sprinkle some low-fat cheese put it in the oven and it's

probably nicer than any pizza it's like a really thin and i would say there's 200 calories in one yeah and you feel naughty doing it me and thea make them together and you can put peppers on their chicken really low fat really tasty so my lazy how is this lazy bitch my lazy bitch guide to food basically is prep not really because i buy i do my shop at aldi did you know i love aldi it's my favorite i go once a week and this is my other money saving thing i think to myself i am not coming back to the supermarket again i do that so i will make it work a week so whatever's in my fridge i open the fridge i'm like right so if i'm eating green beans heinz beans and pasta then that's what we're fucking eating kids because you should have planned better because all these

little trips to the shop every trip no i'm the same i go once because i don't have time yeah and that is it yeah a hundred percent no take takeaways add up right why are we talking about money now we need we have digressed yeah we have let's change it so i usually just eat like an omelette or something when i don't know what to make i love omelets healthy can't go wrong i like a tuna omelette oh that's fucking disgusting what anyway anyway i don't know what happened this episode i'm sorry i'm sorry we've really oh i'm so sorry it's not over just yet though guys there is still more time for us to chat shit okay here we go roll it dilemma of the week dilemma of the week can you try it what dilemma

do do dilemma of the week in your britney spears voice do it in the britney spears oh baby go on do your baby baby go on it's my favorite right take it serious i'm not looking at you take it serious oh baby baby i could be a britney spears impression right now oh my god if i had hinge that'd be my voice no you sicko can we do a catch up on your shit let's do a quick catch online dating on my online dating right here you go guys this is the bit that you wait yeah um i've got nothing to say so do you remember any more celebrities uh no no how's your eye getting gone oh you've not moaned about it i haven't moaned at all guys i had a bit of a bugger i got an infection in my eye so people it happens and actually when you scratch your bum and touch

your face so ashley's looking at me really smug i am not very i'm not i'm not hygienic i'm just not good at stuff like that i didn't take any of the bromelain i didn't take anything she told me to i did nothing i thought i'd be fine i came back recording four days after and i had a bit of a bad time with an infection so i was posting about how it went the reason i haven't posted about that yet isn't because i'm not going to say anything because i had so many people message me saying they're about the headspace for it no and they're about to have it done i am not scaring every fucker to death once it's healed which it nearly has i'm going to come on and be like these are my eyes i had an infection listen to what ashley says don't do what i say take long enough

when you have surgery any type of surgery there is a risk of infection yeah and it happened well after it was my fault no one else really it's serious it is but i didn't i had loads of people telling me they were about to have it done i didn't want to scare anyone so i'm gonna come back on absolutely i'm gonna talk about it yeah you're bored of that um dating do you remember the guy that you two were both like oh my god and then we matched him and he yeah so then he follows me on insta right that's it and he's not spoke to you no so you're not speaking to anyone on the premium app no well what are you doing who are you speaking to at the minute no one literally you're dry um do you reckon you're gonna have a holiday romance is this our last

time recording before you go on holiday i don't know i'm going to mexico guys i feel like we might be in one more time yeah um also don't forget right i i had the peel i've been glowing up right so since the beginning of january i had that peel which made me fully profuse tell everyone about when your hair fell it's not funny right can i just say it's not funny i've had a real i'm going through you've not been okay i've not no so my that's probably why my instance has been quiet i've not been feeling myself so i had this peel in which my entire face fell off again and again and again for weeks weeks um so i couldn't see anyone i couldn't really jag anyone because i looked terrible you did the eye thing then i did the eyes and i'm not that far post-op from that

so i'm not seeing anyone until the heat then you had a drama with your hair my hair fell out yeah like so i have tape extensions i've never had any problems with them and all of a sudden my entire tape with my hair and the root and she sent me a picture you can see the hair on it i don't i don't know so that happened um and i've been really ugly i've not been out since probably don't lie since the beginning of january i have not been feeling myself so i am in the middle of a glow at least you're not gaining five pounds a week true so i i'm yeah i've had a rough time so we're not speaking to any no so i'm i won't be seen until i'm feeling good again so next time we record when my eyes have healed when i my skin's good now when my eyes have healed i'm gonna get

my hair done again i'm gonna be feeling sexy and then i'm willing to start getting out there you gonna get any valentine's flowers no never know you never know it's always nice to get some i'll if it gets to two o'clock and no one sent you some you send me an emergency didn't you want sent them to yourself no who was it but remember when i worked at my i got three bunches within the day were you there then and um they all were like off different people yeah oh no can i tell you a really funny story that happened to me before we um do dilemma of the week finally so i was seeing this guy and it was valentine's day and a box turned up on my desk from asda oh and i opened it and it was like a some budget five pound flowers and it was like happy

valentine's day lots of love from beep and his name then i was like oh my god i've got the ick that's it that was that is fucking disgusting then i got this like 100 roses yeah and it said happy valentine's off question mark right so i sent him a picture of his flowers next to the big ones no and he was like just like laughing no are you ready like i didn't know this i i fully broke up with him yeah and then like three weeks later i saw him out and he was like ashley i just want to let you know something and i was like what and he was like my mates sent you those aster flowers the other ones as a joke fuck and i bet he thought you you grabbing bitch i've seen your true colors he did so basically and you know what i would have done i would have

I'm like, oh, thank you, babe. To be as the ones, wouldn't I? So he must have told his mates, like, oh, just spent like 300 quid on these flowers for Ashley. That's a good joke. And they've gone to Asda and sent me some budget.

That is a fucking good. Do you know what? They got him good there. Isn't that, that's good for them. Yeah, I'm planning. Wanted to go out with his mates after that. Dilemma of the week. Dilemma of the week.

No, I'm going to do that from now on. You've ruined it. I'm not doing it again. I've done it once. Come on, quick. Dilemma of the week. Dilemma of the week. If I must.

i love doing it a friend of mine has made me aware of another friend's brother on a dating website however the brother's in a relationship and he's been in a long-term living with relationship the beginning doesn't matter who it is basically you know someone you know the boyfriend is on a dating app now she sent him a message saying grow the fuck up please don't do this to your girlfriend right he then said i'm sorry i've begged for and he's begged for her to not tell right should it and now she's like what do i do i tell do or not so we put something up on our insta not long ago saying like is it ever would you tell because so let's listen to something that happened to me once so i once knew about um something like this and i told the person the girl

i sat her down i said look i know something about the boyfriend and it all completely backfired on me oh and she got back with him uh he hated me and did anything in his power to give me shit afterwards and everything went on happily for them which is amazing but i wish i'd never opened my fucking fat trap but i just thought i would want to know so i understand why some women don't yeah because you get stuck however what i think is always know that at night you can go to bed and go to sleep knowing that your moral compass i mean mine's slightly off but majority of it is on and that you have done your best and you've done what you think's right now i think every situation is different i'm not saying she should but every situation you have to i don't think one fits all

i think the best thing is that she has said to him instead of just seeing it and moving on she has said to him like um sort your shit i think i would do it in a more jokey way like lol yeah or something like that like a bit passive aggressive i've seen you here's your fucking warning hello but it depends how close you are as well so if it was your best friend i hate it when stuff like that comes to me because it does it comes to you and you're like i didn't want and you're like i didn't want to see that how can i see that and i hate that and like it does keep you up at night sometimes i think it depends how close you are or when someone's partner tries and makes a pass on so this one i wouldn't i'm gonna say i wouldn't say this one so say depends how close best friends

of course absolutely someone that you know to say hi to their fella tried on a night out i ain't saying nothing no i would say to him oh and also sometimes people are just over friendly yeah and over piss fucking oh you want to see me like you do some awful things i do and i'm such a friendly person when i've had a drink i am so over friendly yeah i don't mean anything by it i'd have my arm around someone i'm just so loving to everyone i dance with people like yeah and i wouldn't mean anything by it so i do think if that was me i wouldn't in this situation do you then or or right make a fake proof no do you i'll tell you something about that i'm gonna tell you something about that in a minute do you involve someone else that it's not just your problem so do you

put it on the fucking desk of someone else slap bang notes on your desk and whoever the the friend's brother is it you tell the friend and we're like your brother's on a date you do with that what are you pleased i'm out good yeah not ideal but okay once um one of my boyfriends he left his phone on insta he had a spare phone and he didn't use it anymore and he got a new phone he didn't he thought it was broken no no no honey the screen was broken you had a ghost phone i had a ghost phone i had that phone forever i know a few people that have had a ghost he thought it was broken because the screen was broken but that's all if you turned it up anyway a certain way you could get around it so i had complete access to his instagram all the time live live

stream i would know what his mate had replied before he knew i'd have to i'd be careful that i didn't look and read it so i had it logged in um i found it by mistake in all honesty but anyway um so one night he goes out yeah he won't mind me saying this if i said who it was and um he got on it and he got off his box drinking whatever and he was on it all night and i'm watching his instagram as things go on he messages a well-known madam which is a female pimp saying what's your number got any girls no he didn't so um i then knew that this was going on in the morning but and he was your boyfriend at the time yeah no it didn't say if you got any girls it said what's your number so and they were friends so it could you know when you talk yourself out with it don't

you it could have been that you just wanted something offer it for in the morning that wasn't a prostitute yeah so obviously i told myself that however it clearly was what it was so then i'm thinking i somehow now you need to tell him i know this but i ain't giving up the ghost phone no no no no no i am not cut your you've cut and i and i kept that for a long time And some girls do blow their covers straight away. Do not blow your top early, girls. Keep it in. Get the information.

Get enough information that they are held to fucking... They are read, handed. Put the case in front of them. Print it off and hand it round to everyone. Keep getting the information. Don't blow your lid early because you've lost everything. I wasn't losing the ghost phone. So, I made a fake account.

You honey trapped her. I messaged myself off the fake account. Saying, hi, don't know if you know this, hun. but i work with xxx and she got a message off your fella at four in the morning i'll send you the screenshot of it um i don't know what's going on here so i then ring him babe i've just had the weirdest message did you message did you message this girl at like four in the morning no no i've seen the screenshot that's what i did how fucking clever and i stayed with him and nothing came of it but i still have the ghost phone do you want to know how i got caught out on the ghost phone

how were you deleting things or searching no so i started getting obsessive with it i had right i had every i had i'd sit there with a cup of tea and a five i had every outside i had every reason it sounded like i smoke in my house i don't smoke actually at the minute at all um i go through phases i'm not smoking so i um i went i got obsessive with it right and i and no and rightly so because the shady behavior i was finding stuff when you find stuff you keep looking if nothing had happened i would have put the phone in the fucking i wouldn't have been asked i started seeing things so i went out one night and i knew that he was going out that night and i thought i'm i'm not missing an opportunity to see what you get up to when you've had a drink

on this phone so i took two phones out with me in my hand like he's never gonna listen to this he's not gonna know and i was out in a restaurant and i was checking my phone and checking the the fucking the fake phone and i'm seeing the instagram i saw him sending fire signs to girls yeah yeah i'm sat there having my dinner checking it checking mine yeah i didn't think anything of it yeah and the next morning i never said anything i woke up you know when you're pissed up and you've fallen asleep at four in the morning you wake up i looked at my phone a million missed calls of him then a text have you been on my fucking instagram oh the fear the fear how did he find out i'd connected it didn't have internet uh what do you call it like 4g because it wasn't on a

contract anymore i'd connected to the wi-fi where i was at my iphone no and he'd had a message on which it sometimes does saying an unusual login and my wi-fi had logged in at firefly in manchester where i was the night before and he found out i mean at least i've denied it's purpose listen i still denied it he doesn't know now i denied it not me i don't know and then i ran him through the bit through the phone in the bin so there you go there's a little story for me why do i i honestly i should i've got adhd okay guys thank you so much for listening this week please do a little post on your instagram and share that you've listened to the pod so that everyone knows about it and hopefully one day

you'll have us every week we're here every week anyway you mean like on a constant stream yeah yeah you'll have us or if you like us swipe which way is it swipe tap lick suck do whatever you can to keep this shit going because we make you feel normal and I'm out here ruining my life. And there's some more shine that we need to add.

Oh, there's so much. I'm out here telling the worst stories about myself. Okay. So you can follow us at NTNGAF at The Cosmetic Consult and at LaurenElizabeth

underscore XX. We will see you next week, guys. Bye.