Nip Tuck - BEST BITS

Episode Date: May 25, 2022

Hey girlies, there's no new episode this week BUT we didn't want to leave you with nothing so here are some of our funniest and naughtiest best bits – enjoy and we'll see you next week!Send us your fave moments from the pod to @ntngaf x Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi guys, we'll be back really soon. We didn't want to leave you hanging, so we have put our best bits together for you. Hi guys, guess who's back? It's us again. Welcome to Nick... Wow, that was shite. Let's start again. I'm so glad I already had your hand. Okay, next one. You only need one boob job. So, this is not true. Not true. Not true.

A boob job is for life. it is a commitment a massive commitment if you're going into a surgeon or a cosmetic surgery group and they're saying to you oh yeah they last 20 years bullshit no it's not true i mean they could last 20 years if you didn't give a shit what they looked like yeah but they could not and i think what you need to differentiate is some implants have got a guarantee or i've got a warranty for for life they say or 20 years that doesn't mean that they're gonna look like they did when you were 19 when you are 39 no i added that up wrong no that's right so the look of your breasts are going to change with age like everything else yeah like you know having babies losing weight

is a massive factor that's what's messed my breasts up yeah um and then also obviously gravity takes hold so anyone telling you you only need one breast augmentation is lying and you will probably need over your lifetime about five you think five i think mind you i've had three but because yeah I think five's excessive it's not say you started with like um no no uplift or anything we're talking just straightforward you had your implants done started in your 20s you have your children your late 20s you perhaps have them done after the baby then you probably wouldn't do it again till your 50s no and have a lift I think three three to five depends how shit it is yeah but then what so you're telling me at like 70 you're just gonna get them taken out

no I'm just gonna leave them hanging there I'm gonna use them as decoration I'm just gonna chop them up i don't know all right then mate once you hit five boob jobs you owe me 50 quid right next one what was your worst breakup is the one that sticks in mind and why was it the worst um when i split up with ed it was absolutely horrific oh my god i remember it you were so thin i was like six yeah it was awful like i literally i couldn't eat like food wouldn't go yeah in my mouth like i could not eat i couldn't sleep yeah i just wanted to just forget everything yeah and i went straight back out which i remember that as well you went on one didn't you i was i remember you saying i don't know why it's in my head you sent me a picture of you and one of our other friends

um in a hotel room and you was it gotham or something and i was like oh i think i might have been no i wasn't pregnant i think i was settled down maybe but something and i remember was sitting there in my jammers with my cup of tea thinking oh ouch so um yeah i went out like pretty much every single night and i had about do you remember that week when i went on the six dates yes yeah i remember one of the days i actually went for lunch with someone and then for dinner with someone else wow and these these were like good people as well like you should have passed them on to me like your i had like flower deliveries coming through i wasn't sleeping with any of them don't get me wrong like i personally don't do that i mean there's absolutely

nothing wrong with doing that but i am a serial dater so if you see me out with multiple men i'm not sleeping with them they're just paying for my food that you can't get down your throat anyway because i'm heartbroken that's exactly what it was i was just there for the wine my ex was you know his weak spot was his height yeah and um he wasn't the tallest of men um and it really i bet it really got a distant ex yeah so i went online and i found websites for small men's fashion and one was called like the modest man and i put his email address into the newsletter so it was like get in there sign up for our top tips to make yourself look taller wait no there was like um there was other websites as well like penis enlargement websites

and you know they're gonna spam the shit out of you yeah and it was like wankers anonymous like all this mad stuff like i was just like literally sat there copy paste so imagine he's on like a a meeting or his new girlfriend sees his like emails and they're popping up about penis enlargement nine ticks for small men with small dick 10 off your next order of the penis enlarger so yeah that was that was one thing that i did um also there's this website it's called knicker sniffer um um basically they deliver a parcel and on the parcel it says like here's some knickers for to sniff and they're like

and are they used yeah I think so yeah can I sell mine and you can pick like granny pants so

what the postman it's the signboard delivery like the postman like hands them that so that was a good one

so yeah the moral of the story is don't fuck with me otherwise I will spam the shit she will send

my underwear to your hands to sniff or BV oh lovely so

i'm not saying that i wouldn't have a nanny like i said i think a lot of people oh my god she has a nanny mate if you could afford one you probably would have one and how helpful when you go on holiday oh holiday nanny do you know what somebody once wrote on that shit website that lauren takes the mum on holiday to look after the baby are you fucking kidding i've taken my mum on holiday since before i had her she's a grandma like what but yeah and also here's a quick one what about on holiday kids clubs and stuff what do you feel about that because i i i went to one it was ofsted inspected and whatever and yeah i put her in that thing for a few hours so i could sunbathe and drink mojitos and did she enjoy it of course she did it's like nursery she loved it

she loved it more than me being like shut up i'm sunbathing maybe i've got like ptsd from some shite kids club that my mom sent me to in like while she was living it all yeah while her and my dad were pissed yeah and um yeah i think actually yeah yeah do you remember when you were younger like those shit discos on holiday i was sandy in greece once i feel like now it's like that stuff doesn't happen anymore and it's really sad yeah it's because everyone's scared of pedophiles and shit like that i'm like i just feel like no one's as relaxed as they once were like your mum and dad had set having a drink like just laughing at you all in the little disco yeah and now it's like you can't do that anymore and again i think it's because everyone's judging

each other on what parents they are like if you've had a few wines you shouldn't have your child that kind of thing yeah but we're fine yeah we're fine i'm great people often say like how are you and ashley friends because you're so different they don't know what we're like together and we're not that different but the people think we are and i think the one moment that like solidifies why we are best friends is this i'm scrolling through instagram and ashley has taken out her hairpiece at a beach party she looked gorgeous of course gorgeous hairpiece and she has then taken it out She's swinging it round in the toilet and putting it on people's heads. And she was down someone's pants at one point.

With her hair in her hand, with like a rosé in the other, waving it pale, of course, waving it at her. So literally, I saw that and I was like, that's my girl. That's why we're friends. So I went out that morning to a beach club and I'll start from the beginning. i went out like you said i mean i might say so myself a lot pretty um i had my hair done in the hairdresser and i was like i might get a little bit wet today so i'm gonna tie it all back good idea my ponytail weaving so um we did that lots of hairspray it was all you actually went to

hairdressers i went every day in a ponytail i went every day okay okay so then um we arrived at the beach club and i had a new bikini on um and we were meeting some of my husband's like business people who does that beach club resort yeah anyway i went hi and it was really warm i took my jacket off and i was stood talking to them and ed turned around to me he went ashley mate you've got your tits and i was like these two men had been stood having a grown-up conversation with me in both and i think that happened about four times but then they got a champagne spray and they did it definitely on purpose because they could tell i was really like i'm not getting wet i'm not

putting my toe in the pool so i got absolutely blasted and then i was like fuck it may as well take the hairpiece out and swing my dick around the toilet every episode at the end maybe we are gonna answer your dilemma so we're gonna give you some advice i mean we're not like the best at this shit but but we'll do it we'll try we both have different opinions yeah so you'll always get two so i think moving forward what i work that's what you're saying work emails moving forward i think we are gonna do this so we're gonna give it a little taste today see what you guys think and then we'll have like dilemma of the week i think that's quite a good idea dilemma of the week dilemma of the week drama okay so this girl oh my god can we sing it the same every time sorry

i'm still thinking about that we need to think of a theme can you send them in girls yes send us a send us a dilemma of the week jingle I always sing in like you know um a Britney Spears nasal oh my god do that oh baby baby go on okay oh my god no it's weird you want to see her face it's really scary um okay let's go with this dilemma dilemma of the week okay here's the dilemma so it's always going to be a non as well and i actually i actually know who this person is um but it's still none of my business so freak anyone out

no she knows she knows i know her we know each other so here's what she's saying i go through phases that i thought would die out but after 10 years they still don't every time i'm single i wish i was with my son's dad he is the most my type we ended because we were way too young and way too wild oh that's such a like a love that could be a lovely story um he's on to go for number three in three years and i just don't know whether to keep my mouth shut and not say anything or throw it out there and be like hey i'm pretty sure i've always loved you i really fancy you oh this stage of my life approaching halloween is labeled my head is mush so yeah that's my dilemma or do i broach it with a mutual friend or get a friend to drop a hint i literally don't

how i could work this subtly or speak to one of his family without it being obvious basically i may go insane if i don't hear advice from across the board of nip tuck not giving a fuck us okay so my question is does he have a girlfriend or not at the minute at this moment she said no he does she's he's on girlfriend number three of three years so i think he's with someone now wait for them to split up because they obviously are going to yeah but what if they don't and they have a kid and get married and it gets messy i maybe write him a love note don't do that don't give shit advice so i think um she should speak to somebody but she says she can't do it subtly maybe his mom wow what ring her up like hi i love your son no just be like oh how's it

going with his girlfriend and then just be like i wish we had worked out yeah but we don't know if she speaks to the mom i think what she's saying is it's difficult for her to do that but i do think you're gonna have to put yourself out there and somehow get into one of his friends everyone knows someone who knows everyone you must know one of his friends yeah you mustn't or a friend must not like let's pass it down the grapevine but then this girl might like this girl could be one of those girls that's been ghosted and continues to ah so we're not sure we don't we don't we don't know we don't so i think i'm good i i know her a little bit so i'm gonna say i don't think she is but i would say just stop and think about this

situation for a minute like look at it from an outsider point of view is he giving you anything does he ever give you anything do you think he could possibly because if he did still like you surely he would have come to you by now it's halloween bitches in this episode we are the ghost okay so we've been asking you all to send in your stories about Duh, duh, duh, ghosting. We wanted to know from you guys whether you've been a victim of this ghoulish crime

or if you're the person that's seemingly a long-lost soul. For some extra creepiness, we're also going in on the ick. We're finding out what sends shivers down your spine. Mwah! I wanted to hear it. I know it's the sound of it, but I wanted to hear it. Okay, guys.

So, boys, hope you're listening because you are fucking disgusting. The shit that we have heard has literally put me off men for life. My vagina has shriveled up into the size of one of Saskia's... snack raisins oh whatsapp statuses who has those right we're putting that as a no one line of ick for male and female and human why would you have a whatsapp no no no and that's

purely to so that whoever you're aiming your quote at no no no no um too theatrical in bed we've all done that suing oh my god um yeah yeah more at that right so this is something what do you think is too theatrical what are you meant to do like men can notice like sometimes if you say to someone like oh it's so big and they're like it's really it's not though yeah like why are you lying it's not he texts me saying wakey wakey eggs and bakey no not into that that'd be an immediate ejection okay so to round up the ick list one of our listeners sent us her ick list that's on the notes on a phone that her and her mates have which i absolutely love so thank you you know who you are i'm gonna quickly scan through it because

i think it's really really funny okay men that are stingy men that don't smell nice name droppers men that don't drive men that have no career drive bad hairlines men that fly economy men that wear skinny jeans or ralph lorenz shirts men that have an eight pack men that ask for attention men that start the conversation with hey you yeah i agree hey stranger men that put their watch in every picture men that like having their picture taken men that take pictures men that have instagram men that wear dior savage men that are men that don't smell nice men that don't open car doors men that can't last more than one round men that are silent when you're fucking them don't do moan groan nothing just stay completely silent while you're doing your best um wait wait because

it's a screen grab that she sent me like a like scrolls down like the full list wait wait she's scrolling she's scrolling men that use lv wash bags as a man bag oh my men would drive chat yeah name there's loads there's a million i've just flicked through them but yeah i absolutely love those so thank you for sending us those because they're just they're so funny and they've obviously like as men have pissed them off they've added to this list men that take smolder selfies like you know where they're like and use a filter yeah okay next story next story i'm gonna whiz through them just want to get as much content as we can okay went on a date with a boy that i knew from a while ago he lived half an hour away so i thought i'd stay at his you're making the excuses

not me out in a bar and he tells me his parents and their friends oh god they've got a limo for the night so we could get picked up in that in the limo can we talk about limos just for a quick second no there are no there are no there are no they all smell of piss okay so he said we could get picked up in that cringe and go and meet his parents thought it was strange but i was a bit pissed at this point yeah we've all done that so many times i've been a bit pissed so i've let things slide the limo picks us up and he's in the back popping the books acting like he owns the joint oh i'm dying after we've been with his parents and their friends in another bar off we go into the limo how embarrassing to come out of the bar into the limo again i'm dying they were

like they were on one they thought they were big time so we all went back to his for a party we were sat in the date and my date proceeded to sniff coke with his mom in front of me i went to bed and fell asleep i woke up in the morning at 7 a.m he was still up in the kitchen with his mom sniffing ching with his mom with house music blasting around the kitchen i snuck out and i never replied to him again so she ghosted him fair enough right admit it so you admit what you're feeling is it the rejection that's killing you right now is it your pride a lot of my breakups i've thought it was the guy but actually it was the fact that he didn't want me and my own self-esteem issues and the fact that he didn't want me as well then it brought something else up

yeah so or is it that you're worried about your finances you're now going to be on your own and you're scared to death because you're going to be on your own and now the future frightens you because he supported you with a lot of child care is it how you're going to split your family just sit and work out what is breaking your heart about this and then you can work out how to solve it if it was just that you're madly in love then that's a tough one yeah but there's normally other things actually if you break it down that surround it and if you can pinpoint those you can then deal with those emotions one by one great therapist lauren i've also heard of a girl who got a watering can and sprinkled water all over the carpet then she put grass seeds

on the carpet and grass in the living room that's quite funny i really like that right so one of our girls has texted and saying that she cut the shoelaces off all of his limited edition trays that would hurt took the sofa out of the house so that he had nothing to sit on or take someone back to that's quite funny yeah that's a really good one and you got a free sofa i once got accused of taking all the wine glasses out of one of my ex's house no i actually fucking didn't i'm not weird like you this this is quite a good one cut holes into the knees of his new golf trousers and then put them back like normal so oh yeah i read this one so she cut the knees out and then put them back in the packaging so he would have thought they

were brand new he would have gone to his golf he's got out his brand new ones and the knees one day soon oh thank you guys and thank you for listening again this week and we will be back next week with more drama and lots

of chips we will be back next week with lots of tits alas