Nip Tuck - Bonus Babes: Bent Me In Half Like A Deckchair

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

It's Friday then!  Today, Ashley and Lauren tackle your questions like: what can you do to stop ingrowing hairs, how can I lose my face jowls, and is it normal that I can't squirt?Oh and we love it when a Slutty Steve joins the party!  The name of this episode doesn't do this story justice... So enjoy!To sign up for Patreon for more exclusive content and full video episodes, click this link: https://patreon.com/niptuckpodTo get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your beauty questions, icks & dilemma's via WhatsApp! Message or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys and welcome to nip tuck not giving a schmuck schmuck i need to brush my hair i can drag through a hedge backwards hi you do i've just been shagged hello um hi guys this is a podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational women it's all about being unapologetically yourself and on nip tuck we want you to get your voice heard what are you doing you're doing something shady picking your fucking toes right you can send us you can email us right right we're having a problem here right shush you can email us hello at nip tuck pod.com you can send us your extra dilemmas everything via whatsapp voice notes everything send it to us we want to

see it we want to hear it embarrassing stories no pictures of rashes no don't send any rash pictures and we don't want to see that um but basically yeah we don't give a fuck isn't it funny when your child has a rash you send it to everyone in your phone book yeah like this morning i sent it to you i've sent it to my other mum friend and another one like what do you think this is just go to the doctor and find out why are you asking your mate just go because no one can be asking no one can be asking to the doctor so you put it off and you hope that your friends will say over it to check it's not meningitis yeah everyone does that because i am fucking terrified of meningitis everyone does that um but yeah thea's got a rash i sent it to everyone and i'm hoping

that my friends will say no i wouldn't bother taking her anywhere and then you feel better when you don't right we've got some listeners isn't it true she told me actually she wouldn't bother so i thought she said young francis had it once and he was right so you'll be fine and then i thought yeah i don't want to go anywhere right hi girls i listen to your podcast every damn week and i just want to say i was listening to the episode the other day about open house that tv show that lauren said to watch and my husband overheard well my husband popped it on and oh my god we are addicted and every episode we have to pause it to have the best sex we do that we shag halfway through ed won't let me watch it he says he's like i can't watch this

turn this crap off now and again james will go oh and he's like oh but no we end up having sex midway through too isn't that weird and it's i don't know so thanks for recommending open house we've had the best sex ever i'm just full of good stuff go on next do you think you and james would ever go to a swinger party he wouldn't i've got nothing else to say we're going aren't we lukey um as soon as this baby's out come on you're coming with me lad come on we've got to go and just have a look at what goes on we love it i know i'm so interested in it we love it really i'm james isn't even it come on please if we just go for an hour you can speak to james hello james please can me and my friend go to the party please yeah no we're not gonna do anything

he would never fucking stop me doing anything but he was like i don't want to go mate he's not into it he's like oh it's all i find it fascinating well i do but he just wouldn't want he's like it's weird mate I don't want to do you know what I find weird going to those sex shows in Amsterdam

because I always think they don't really want to be doing it the people supposedly when you watch it and it's a bit sad like watching animals in the zoo

I agree whereas the swingers party like everyone's up for it for a shag well or me and you just to perv okay right

girls I'm listening to your latest podcast and I had to write in bear in mind guys we are sorry we have done a quadruple triple big record because of bank holiday so sorry the continuity is not great on

this i'm gonna jump straight in there i have never orgasmed she's put never in capital letters i don't even squirt while having sex squirting is not a thing it's not i'm sorry how many birds of you fingered i swear i've had sex with a girl and she some can my friend showed me squirt i wouldn't know what yeah yeah i meant out your bum that's poo oh for fuck's sake laurie my friend showed me a video of her squirting the other day she could do it like how much yeah like it went squirt and it's from a certain technique of going like i've done every technique and i don't i don't squirt well actually i did that one that one time with that thing yeah with that ding dong do um anyway that's another story she says she gets wet but that's it i'm 29 i've been with my partner for

12 long years and before him i've slept with a few people i've always enjoyed the sex especially with my partner as over the years we've experimented a little we know what each other likes since using my virginity at 16 I've only squirted twice she's making it so about squirting there's a difference between an orgasm and squirting anyway sorry carry on so wait no she said I don't even squirt while having sex or getting fingered so she's saying she doesn't regulate twice in a life she has right so at least she's experienced it you've never Lauren no the only way try harder well I don't know James says I have I've never like not like okay thank you for that

we've tried so much all my mates say i'm broken down there that's nice i mean i must be the only way i can describe it when i'm having sex is like having a water balloon inside my vagina and it's about to explode but it never ever does it's so frustrating i've become obsessed i feel like i'm missing out I want to know what an orgasm feels like and I want to squirt but it's got to a point where it's really bringing me down what's this gel you've been talking about please can we have a name for it please give me advice I need to hear it because I just want an orgasm Lauren from Liverpool right Lauren okay so I feel like you can't not have an orgasm with a vibrator on your clear right so this is i agree i think that she's getting a bit confused with an orgasm and squirting

we just want the orgasm first yeah the orgasm the squirting what's that for it's for show it's for show it's for the men like just do a little weed um it's it's that's pointless so i and i believe from my leave the squirt but i believe that there are two different kinds of orgasm a clitoral orgasm and then an internal which is the squirty now i have i say i've never squirted something's gone on down there but it was nowhere near as pleasant as a clitoral orgasm okay so i think what she's trying to get here is a vaginal one and they're just shit anyway and that's why you know she's saying she feels like a water balloon that's what it feels like like you get it's like a weird yeah the best orgasms are a clitoral one so i don't know because i can't ask now but are you doing

something with your clitoris here yeah like because men often leave that out and they just compound you and that is no good so i would so the gel i will i can't even remember what it's called i'm not even gonna lie it's in my bedside table i will i'll put it on there and i'll tell you what it is um i have asked them for a code for everyone so leave it with me and what that does though it brings you put it on your your like vulva and your clitoris and it brings the blood flow more there the more blood flow you have to the area obviously the more stimulation and it has to be a steady rub on the has to go for quite a while and i think masturbation is the key here don't do it with your fella yeah try it on your own which it sounds like she is doing

and i think you need a clitoral one i think you know i feel like she's doing internal like even if you just buy a little bullet and stick it on your clit for a bit and then you will know what feels good and what's other thing tense your legs and bottom so i cannot orgasm i cannot orgasm without tensing my bum cheeks can you yeah i think so no and if you watch a man when you're doing something they tense the legs think about it now when they're lying on the bed well i know that you're meant to do your kegels um uh before you have sex and drawing because it makes blood go to the area but lucas as a man do you if you were given a blowjob do you tend james does it do you tense your legs that do you know what i mean you do and as a woman i do so when i first

started experimenting um i would tense my legs like so when i first started experimenting now now i've got it to a t where i only need to tense my bum cheeks but i have to tense something to reach the orgasm i've heard that the best orgasms are off those microphones yeah other thing we are in we have been speaking to a sex therapist i've wanted to get on the show for such a long time and she's got a tv show and it's about getting an orgasm and it makes you get an orgasm and it's all about it so when we get her on which lucas is working on and she can tell us about that because she knows how to do it but yeah clitoris clitoris clitoris forget your hole and squirting is bullshit i don't think that makes any difference whether you squirt or not it's just a sex weed

right now we're going to move over to kind of beauty treatment questions and product questions ash go okay obsessed with the pod it makes me feel like a normal woman hearing all your stories firstly i apologize this is gross and you're the only people i could ask without being judged oh i feel privileged i have a question about ingrown hairs i constantly get a really inflamed lump around the same area on my vagina it goes it comes back always angrier than the time before it's sometimes black like it's filled with blood but it rarely pops and it dies down and then it comes back a few weeks later anyway i've shown the doctor she said there's not a lot she can do apart from checking her bloods for a number of things i'm waiting for the results of that is

there anything you can recommend i exfoliate i have a good personal hygiene it makes me really self-conscious when i'm having sex and i'm at a loss of what to do p.s love you loads keep doing what you're doing you're both fab sounds like a cyst to me it's i know what it is so these these type of um they're like bartholomew yes the cysts that you get down there and it's where a few of my friends have had i've heard they're benign so don't worry um so i get where she's going with sending you for bloods and stuff um and basically because you've got sweat glands down there and obviously if you're shaving the purpose of hair on your underarms and down there is to soak up some with the sweat so if you're shaving then your body's like whoa what the fuck and then they clog

so one of my friends has had hers operated on twice actually because it just keeps there's two there's one called a bartholomew cyst and that's more your actual labia underneath yeah so if it's in that area it will be that it could still be in a pubic area but that is then not a bartholomew one which is just a cyst isn't it so i'd keep going to the gp i agree i don't like your gp's hands unfortunately i don't think it's an ingrown hair no i don't i don't either um and she says it fills up with blood i think it's a cyst and it's like you get them in your armpits and that kind of benign cyst i think it's a benign cyst and i think i mean we don't know if it's benign she needs to get that checked obviously but it sounds to me like a cyst rather than an

ingrown hair issue you need to push it with your gp do not take no for an answer get a gynae referral get a gynae referrals or a dermatologist because it's the skin as well isn't it sometimes gp fob people off and you just think oh they're a gp so i'm gonna no you if there's a problem then you're not happy you push and push and push until it gets fixed and if it is like irritating you and hurts i know that if you say that it might get you a quicker referral it's bothering you a lot don't go in there sometimes we go to the doctors i'm like but i'm fine they i'm not saying all doctors but a lot of the time they perhaps thinking of the financial side of things yeah the referrals yeah if you if something is bothering you you don't stop until you get it fucking sorted if

it's ruining your life like this or affecting you like this when you push and you push and you push until somebody fixes it fat face jowls please help oh hi girls i really love your podcast it feels like i'm having a gossip with my besties i love the advice that you both give and i wondered if you can help with my issue i'm 31 and i've always had a baby face a chubby round shape as I put weight on over the last few years my jaw is slowly disappearing I'm really working on losing weight slowly however it's like extra fat just coming from the sides of my face and also a double chin I'm being investigated for PCOS and I know that I need to lose weight but still I'm size 14 so I'm not obese I feel like having a round shaped face will get worse as I age do you

have any recommendations will weight loss solve the problem thanks actually having a round face will do you much favors as you get older because you will get much less wrinkles so that's one thing number two the weight yes if you lose weight yes absolutely you will lose it off your chin as well there's no doubt about that um it's the first place when i'm pregnant and postpartum i have literally all my jowls and i get a double chin and then once i've managed to get down yeah that is the first thing to go so this is what i would say and i feel like i don't want to keep saying this to people but i've got to be realistic i don't think you should deal with this double chin until you've got to your goal weight yeah because you are wasting money you are putting

potentially things into your face we'll tell you what we would potentially do in a minute but things that involve money that involve surgery maybe i would start at home with start at home get your weight to a level that you and your weight might be something different to what someone else is happy with that's fine you're not big but just get yourself you're saying that you put weight on so get yourself to a weight that within your body you want to get back to a 12 like that's doable yeah so get yourself to where you are happy with your weight and happy with your body see what happens yeah then whatever's left over because if it's an aging issue then there's different buccal fat pad removal yeah um face tight I've heard Olivia Atwood had the the

chin lipo um she she looks good so there is you can have chin lipo you can have lemon bottle which people keep asking me about and all I can say is I've had three sessions I could tell a difference and I've seen good things from other people yeah um aqualix all that kind of thing you can do but I wouldn't jump into all that while you're bigger while you're not happy get yourself to the weight you want to be then you look at it because the other thing is when she's lost the weight she may find that yes it does come off the chin but she then gets a little loose skin so the advice that we give her for treatments may be different not applicable anymore so wait get yourself to where you want to be then deal with that right we're gonna have a little break and we'll be back with

a new man and your die lovers right are you a loyal listener of nit talk do you love us do we help you on a day-to-day basis do we cheer you up every week do we make your lives better if so you don't want us to go anywhere do you you want us to carry on so please five star review share the podcast on whatsapp with your friends if there's anyone that isn't listening to it make them listen to it that would help us out and in turn we will help you because we're not celebs we're not celebs no on love island we didn't start with a big chunk of people and followers no one knows who the fuck we are starting from the bottom now and we we're slowly getting there but with your help we can do this quicker we can

i've got a slutty steve it's not mine personally okay hi girls i'm a loyal listener who's got a story for you that happened over the weekend and i don't know who to tell is it a gay guy i don't know let's find out so basically i had a few bottles of wine in the garden sounds like me when i'm not pregnant as it got later i got hornier and i needed a shag sounds like me i have had wine i horny now me find shag all my usual sneaky links were asleep so i tried grinder okay he's gay long story short i got picked up in the back of a mini but van kind of car my memory's a bit blurry but what but we got down to it in the back of the van and he bent me in half like a deck chair fully naked with my feet behind my ears and then all

of a sudden as he began to orgasm somehow he must have opened the door accidentally me being rested on the door after performing some sort of contortionist sex act i fell backwards onto the road but naked like roadkill i lay there for a minute before he got back in the van and asked if i needed dropping off home woke up the next morning with concussion love you both so much never stop being unapologetic p.s lucas needs a mic full-time please keep me a nun i've recommended this pod to all the women in my life so he's shagging in the back of the van as the guy's about to come he goes oh oh boom door opens he rolls out butt naked and men butt naked look much worse than women with their arse in the air and the balls flying around and he uh yeah lucas saw

me butt naked you both was butt naked in london didn't he i had my leg up putting moisturizer on And he was literally like, oh, what is that thing? Dingle, dangle, dongle. That dingle, dangle. We need your slutty Susans. We need your slutty Steve's. Send them in. If you've been taken in a minivan, odd, and fallen out the back,

please just let us know. Have you had car sex recently? It's not very comfortable. I've probably only had car sex twice in my entire life. It's just not a bit of me. Because it means you have to go on top a lot of the time. And that is too hard work. Too hard work.

It's very uncomfortable. very sore on the glutes yeah no i'm not a car sex person i've literally probably had it twice in my life do you like i think i think our days of doing the spontaneous shagging are over aren't they i did it in that spa jacuzzi didn't i when people was but that was in the early days of your relationship trying to think if i've done anything oh well we do it a lot but probably not not in a random place i'd probably let's just wait till we get home yeah because i feel like it's at first it's like how many random places can we shag and then it's like why don't we just shag in our bed it's not very it's not great right anyway man of the week man of the week man of the week

right let's have a look don't say we don't do nothing for you for you right this is from a girl telling us so we gotta trust her one of my best mates he would make the best boyfriend please put him on is the nicest and funniest person ever i think it's kieran c-i-a-r-a-n yeah yeah kieran kieran kieran underscore williams kieran willie kieran willie kieran underscore williams 1878 what a funny do you think he meant to put 1978 and did it wrong 1878 do you want to see him Ash

he's wearing underarm I don't know how to feel about that James wears a lot of underarm cute no he looks big what the fuck is that animal let me look

he's in Argentina he must like a travel go and have a look at him he's tall he's handsome he is with a raccoon on the picture smelling his crotch

but it's not a fish he's not holding a fish he's got a picture with a raccoon come on Kieran come on Kieran lad right yeah Kieran

C-A-I-A-R-A-N underscore Williams 1878 have a look at him guys and if anyone's got any updates and if you'd like to be a man of the week

a man of the week or if you know someone or if you'd like to be just like that raccoon and sniff Kieran's crotch do you want to be sniffing his crotch then go on

to him and tell us tell us how it went though girls guys like we're not just doing this for free tell us what happened after at least and in a future episode where i've got the girl hacks i have got a supplement that will make your fanny smell and taste of maple syrup why did you just turn around like you see any fanny she did lucas turn around like oh you just like maple syrup who doesn't and who doesn't like fanny right remember on nip tuck we want to get your voice heard you can email us at hello at niptuckpod.com you can get in touch via whatsapp voice notes whatever you want send it over write it whatever we'll say it out loud we'll try and help you head to this episode's descriptions for more info and please give us

a five-star review please we love you and we're gonna be back next wednesday have a lovely weekend do something naughty then tell us all about it bye