Nip Tuck - Bonus Babes: Bombay Bad Boy

Episode Date: November 18, 2022

The girls have loved receiving your voice notes and todays show is full of them! What a crazy bunch you b*tches are! Just wait until you hear what one of our amazing listeners did with a Pot Noodle...To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod. Or you can email [e-mail] can send us your Icks & Dilemma's via Whatsapp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone]Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys and welcome to nip tuck and not giving i just knocked the microphone and shit myself ah nip tuck and not giving a fuck this is the bonus episode baby so we are the podcast celebrating being positive aspirational women unfiltered honest women that is that is it you've hit the nail on the head this is all about being unapologetically yourself whatever that may be On Nip Tuck, we want you to get your voices heard. You can email us hello at niptuckpod.com. You can also send your ics and dilemmas via WhatsApp. That means voice notes too.

Now, we've been told we've got quite a good one this episode. I'm looking forward to that. Oh my God. Right, anyway, head over to this week's episode description for more information on how to get in touch with us via WhatsApp. We just want to know everything that's going on in your lives. i love the fact that we had um a listener say that her friend said you need to send that story into the nip tuck girls like i like that so anything that goes on don't put in the group chat

tell it us tell it us because we don't really give a fuck no exactly so let's get into it we have a message here off a listener shall i go ahead and read it i'm better at you than reading but that's fine go lucas who's better at reading out the stuff i am not getting involved can i just say i was minding my own business walking on the treadmill she should have been running on the treadmill shouldn't she ashley no high incline or high incline pacing better for your pelvic floor better for your um joints as well as you get older um anyway sagging face yeah the running is not have you ever seen runners jowls jowls so she was walking on the treadmill maybe she's building up to a run listening to the butt plug incident and i nearly spat out my water i could

not stop myself laughing and i look like a complete lunatic to people as i couldn't stop giggling to myself it was the first episode i'd listened to so basically she was wasn't prepared she didn't know how what the kind of content was going to be we love that we're making people laugh in the gym though a lot of our listeners listen in the gym yes and i think that because when you're doing your cardio it's fucking boring and it's dull and all you think is this is awful this is awful i can't breathe i can't breathe i'm sweating i'm sweating i'm wet i hate it i hate cardio so at least if you're listening to that yeah you've got something else going on maybe jim should actually play it out loud no i think it might offend some people yeah so we're gonna go for the next voice

note now bear in mind we don't listen to them first but lucas has told us it's funny but it's poo related now girls yeah they're all we don't choose what you send in no this isn't a poo podcast but you could cast this isn't a podcast this is not a podcast but you are sent a podcast This is not a podcast But you are sending in the poo stuff It was one of yours It was one of yours So yeah let's go

Hey girls This is one of your loyal Scottish listeners here Who absolutely loves the episode Which did the accents You did very very well Because a lot of the accents that we get are shocking But this is an absolute Belter of a story

But if my voice is played on the podcast I would genuinely jump off a cliff so if this could be anonymous that would be amazing but it's too funny to not tell you because oh my god I will literally take it to my grave only two of my friends know

my mum knows and now my daughter knows who's approaching her teenage years so oh wow so basically met my now boyfriend three years ago very early days this was like we met in december then long came uh valentine's day in february so by this point

still hadn't met my daughter so he was just coming to the house and saying over and stuff when she was away which sometimes was unplanned night so he would stay a bit longer than planned which you know can be catastrophic when it comes to poo yeah i was the most insecure person i would and even say the word fart in front of him for i mean i still even to this day don't put in front of him or even talk about it but anyway he says over the night before and at this point i am dying for a shit and i mean dying like my stomach is in bits i'm in actual pain because i've held it in for three days because that's how long he lingered on in the house for and i'm thinking when the fuck is he gonna go because this was touch and go and a valentine's day morning came

and he's like right i'm gonna go to the shop dead early i'm gonna go get a haircut i'm thinking thank fuck i'm actually gonna die here so valentine's day morning comes he doesn't go to the shop as planned in the morning and i'm at this point like close to death the sweat is dripping off my forehead i can't even speak properly i'm you know i'm pacing about the living room like oh my fucking god i'm gonna shit myself i'm thinking right i'm just gonna have to i'm just gonna have to do it when he's here or not then he goes right i'm just gonna go for a shower there was tears in my eyes i did not know what i was gonna do he goes for a shower and then my goonie down the stairs on my house coat pacing up and down this living room

the sweat is blinding me my hands are sweating my eyes are watering um i couldn't speak i couldn't think right i'm thinking what the fuck am i gonna do i'm looking out in the back door i've got a alleyway around my back door. I'm thinking I'm just going to have to go and shit in the alleyway. I'm going to have to shit in the fucking alleyway. And I don't know if it was one of the dogs or something. But then I'm thinking, no, the neighbours are going to see. Time's ticking. It's touching cloth. I went to the kitchen and for some reason an empty pot noodle caught my eye. A bomb bait fucking bad boy in my eye. And I don't know what came over me i pulled my jammy bottoms down on valentine's day in my kitchen and i shat

in a pot noodle mc pot noodle cup and i quickly put it in a bag for life tied the tie ran it to the front door and put it in the green bin and never spoke of it again and as i mentioned i told my mom because i tell my mom absolutely everything she was dying told my mom she makes the fucking big mistake of telling my daughter who's old enough to know better now my daughter obviously sees my boyfriend now anytime i tell my daughter off or anything she's obviously been warned not to say a fucking word anytime i tell her off or i start giving her a jip or something she walks into the kitchen oh mum do you fancy a wee pot noodle do you fancy a pot noodle then mum you're looking at me like and i'm like you fucking dare and i know for a fact it will come out one

day and I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do but if this doesn't get muted or not muted sorry like the voice changed I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do because I play this podcast in the car with him sometimes and he's like what the fuck are you listening to these screaming women they just sound just like you so yeah I hope it makes you laugh because oh my god it's something I'll never ever live down I think about it daily can't believe that's what came what's what it came to but yeah happy friday girls enjoy that one wow that's that's really funny she shat in a pot noodle tub we need more she pooed in it so she must have had to empty it up she what did she wipe her bottom with she pooed in a pot noodle a bag for life a pot noodle oh she is a grain

bench she's brilliant i that's fucking that's really neat like i've got my stomachs hurting that was brilliant oh my god do you know that feeling we've all been there when you're sweating and it's it's coming out

and you're like it's like you're in labour and when you start contractions and you're like well no I've never experienced that oh my god you've never experienced that

but it's literally I have experienced this once before I had a really bad stomach bug when I lived with one of my ex-boyfriends I know what this is

and I was like fuck like same thing as her and I looked out of the garden I could see the dog having a shit outside and i was like yeah i'm gonna have to i'm gonna have to go outside like but luckily he did go and

get in the shower and then i just so you could let go now i was probably one second away from going outside like one centimeter away one more any more dilation and that was it so i because my brain works like this practically straight away i think of the practicalities so she did a poo in the pot noodle thing which is fine because it was the kind but what if it had been a runny it must have been an excel pot noodle uh yeah you can get those because what if it was like a what kind of it must have been an easy slutty season we got in we didn't get around to reading it about the girl that did the black poo in her hand okay so here is a really good story that i have for you guys um i've not got it written down i'm trying to find it on my phone so of course

we both we were laughing at it yeah um we know this okay so a girl told us a story about she went home with a guy um and had a one-night stand i think they've seen each other a little bit and his house was beautiful really ocd really perfect um in the morning they woke up and he said i'm gonna just nip to the shop for some coffee so off he goes to get the coffee and during that time she decides to trust a little trump she does a little fart as she farts luckily for some reason her hand she knew so she put her hand under the bottom hole and as she farts she just had a feeling watery poo squirts out into her hand so she sat on the bed with a handful of watery poo black and it was black in white sheets in this pristine house so she jumps up it flicks onto her chest

so she is now in the cupping the wet poo with on her chest and he's coming back any minute from the shop so she runs across the landing like this with the poo in the hand and it's spilling everywhere throws it down the toilet wipes the chest jumps back in bed in time for when he got back but then as she's leaving he mentioned something about being concerned about safety in the house and stuff and potential cctv in the house so to this day she doesn't know whether she has been caught running down the hall with a handful naked black with a black poo hand so yeah i know that one well okay so now you guys have been sending your ex in we love it when you do that we're going to feature these weekly so please please please keep your ex coming in you

can whatsapp us you can email us you can insta us doesn't have to be a manic no just like a life people are fucking annoying so this is an ick the biggest ick i've ever found is a boy setting up their face id and having to turn his face around oh that's awful that's disgusting we've not mentioned it here but what about that girl that sent us the icks that was out in ulti oh the alexander mcqueen trainer yeah so there's a girl and i actually love this girl so she sent us a thing she was like i'm out in ulti girls and she sent it to us while she was out which She's just the ideal, like, this is what we want this to be. And she was filming this guy's shoes,

but I don't think it was just the Alexander McQueen shoe. He also had skinny jeans that were cut. And no socks. And no socks. And the jean was cut very high above the ankle, so there was loads of skinny white ankle. And then the shoe looked like a platform on him, didn't it? Guys, we all need to throw our Alexander McQueen trainers away.

It's finished. You can't pay me to wear them. It's finished. So she sent us videos of it, didn't she? Her and a mace, I loved that. What do you think the male version of a nick is? Ugg boots on a girl. Oh, I don't know.

What do you think? A hundred. Oh my God, you hate them. I've just bought two fucking pairs. A hundred percent. Oh. Men fucking hate Ugg boots. They are disgusting.

They are vile. I don't know why we're wearing them again, but everyone else is, so I am. Because they're comfy as fuck. But yeah, Alexander McQueen's to girls are like what Ugg boots are to boys. Yeah, I agree. I'm sorry, boys.

Sorry, guys. okay um now when grown men blow on their food because it's too hot be a man and burn yourself no that's really funny that's savage it's like oh my god no fucking burn yourself um you should never blow on your food that's really disgusting and rude really my mum always used to tell me off for it it's like it's a very basic person thing to blow on your food yeah yeah frankie did you Do you know this? Do you blow on your food? Do you remember your mum saying that?

No, we're not allowed. What, so you wouldn't just blow? No. What if it's for the baby? No. Oh, no, because then you're teaching them to blow on the food. Well, you scald your kid then. With chips and stuff, I'd cut them in half and leave them on the side for a bit.

Yeah, but do you not give it a quick... It doesn't even make a difference blowing on it. It does. You're putting germs onto it. That's vile. Well, if you're eating it yourself, what more germs have you got in your own mouth? We could have this debate. This is ridiculous.

Please tell us what you think about blowing on your food, because I think Ashley's been a twat. we have an icky voice now hi girls um so i've been listening to your podcasts um since i've been signed off sick from work um i'm all good so it's good um but honestly your podcasts are so bloody funny like they are getting me through this time off so well and like i found you on tiktok and some of the videos like the one with the amber pure um air freshener honestly had me in stitches good um i even sent it to my friend and we ended up talking about a situation i'm glad um she had gone to meet a lad uh yeah it was one of those uh but yeah literally i just thought i'd like come in and address this right a bit of a nick right so been trolling through tinder and

etc etc and why is it like lads now and again that you'll find on there or men should we address this now um they're into anime like yeah why you're not five anymore you're not you're not watching cartoons or whatever and it just honestly makes you feel sick just the thought that they're watching all that crap and then you get these ones excuse me that will like dress up in the costumes and this happening over and it's just like why why would you waste your money why would you waste your time watching it as well and uh and another ick is like so my ex uh when i was with him um he had really long toenails and this is really disgusting and i said to him i was like here's here's the toenail scissors like all the nail clippers whatever it was at the time

like cut your nails and he was just like i can't actually do it and i was just like well he made her do it right okay she didn't do it and so bearing in mind at the time like i'm living with him at his parents and i go downstairs after like getting changed or coming out of the shower or whatever and he sat on the sofa with his mum and she's cutting his fucking toenails

and I'm like, what the fuck? No. You'd immediately pack your bags and leave. I'd rather she kissed him on the lips and he'd cut his toenails.

Yeah, I remember when I was, you've never really been on the apps, have you? No, so the only dating app, yeah, the only dating app I've ever had was Ray. I had it for a little bit and that was it.

No, I've been on Tinder. What's anime? Tell me what anime is. It's like these comics from Japan or Hong Kong so i yeah it's weird it's really weird and they do like porn and like cartoon porn it's like pokemon vibes oh right next question how would you know don't tell me they put that in the bio that they're into that i think they do because how would you know they're into it they must yeah so they wank

to this i don't know that they wank to it but they say they're into it and then there's like conventions and shit that people go to it's like that shot warhammer i always think who the fuck ghost in warhammer that sounds like a name you'd describe that a man would describe his penis come and look at my warhammer have you seen a warhammer what's a warhammer i'll take you on time what the fuck is it's like where like grown men go in there and purchase like model like cars harry potter things like right lauren song dilemma of the week dilemma of the week here we go the serious bit of the show okay so we've got a dilemma here now we've had a few a little bit like this so i'm going to read it out and we'll talk about that hey i love listening to your

podcast every week love you i'm struggling with on and on and off boyfriend now for two years with a coke and alcohol and gambling addiction they come hand in hand they come hand in hand all of them fucking hell and it's so sad to see it seems he's getting worse it's a shame because we've moved in together last year and i've met his daughter and i love our time together and i do love him so so much and i do see the best in him but he seems to be getting worse since i moved out in may since then she's moved out yeah since then we've been on and off quite a lot and at the moment we're over again and it seems his energy has now shifted with me i would love if you guys can do a podcast about this right so like lauren said we get messages as such literally weekly

about like guys going missing guys having drug alcohol gambling addictions and honestly i think you need to just be like get the help you need and then talk to me i think the as i've said before i have been with someone with these addictions um and it does go hand in hand often it tends to the alcohol leads to a cocaine addiction and i think the coke and the alcohol go hand in hand yeah um then the gambling tends to come as you say the casinos are open late yeah um but also because they're on a high so they're not on like an even keel so when they're on that high they're chasing the money then when they're on the low they need to get the money back so it's like a panic thing um you also find prostitutes yeah come into this quite a lot because cocaine can make men it can

make men not but it can make men really horny and who's around at that time like so prostitutes coming hand in hand with this as well from my experience and all of it is absolutely no place for a woman to be involved like you can't help people like that but then on the flip side we know someone who told was talking about their experience and they've gone full-on so like they went and got help and they've gone so yeah so we know somebody who as you say went and literally got treatment for this after many many fuck-ups i think there was one big fuck-up and he went and got treatment for it and he's now been sober for absolutely ages five months yeah and he's doing and everything

he said he's not missing it and everything's doing well people can change but I think when it comes to stuff like this this is out of your hands ultimatum ultimatum

yeah ultimatum ultimatum I think when you're when alcohol addiction

cocaine drugs is involved it's above you so you can't help him at this point it's serious help that's needed

yeah you can be there you can try your best but actually by hanging around in my opinion you're enabling him so true

because you're allowing him to still do that and then when he feels better come back to you and you'll help him I bet you're helping loads with his daughter as well and imagine having a kid

with someone with a problem like this it's fucking awful and it's just so unreliable so what I would say I think in all honesty what we should do I think we should get somebody on

that is a professional on this kind of thing like how to deal with these situations because when you love someone you want to help them and you want to look after them but actually sometimes

that's the worst thing because you're enabling them to be allowing them to do this but then if you fuck off and leave them to their own devices and they're just going to spiral like how do you know but then you shouldn't feel responsible for

that at the same time you have to cut off and know that that's his decision unfortunately so everyone can help themselves yeah i think the main thing is don't enable it anymore and i also think the on off thing is not good for you not good for him and not good for the child as well there's a daughter involved here either no i think as hard as it is you need to take a massive step back you can only help someone that wants to be helped but i do think we should get someone on the show leave it with us that's an expert especially around this time of year

when it's like they start going like I feel like the dark nights and stuff is like they go to the pub on a Friday and they don't come home

till Sunday night yeah I agree so many of my friends have dealt with people like us it becomes quite acceptable at this time of year as well because everyone's out

it's Christmas work's due or da da da da yeah but I think the fact that you're trying to get help you obviously love him but there's just

love can only do so much like yeah so let's try we're gonna leave this with us we're gonna try and get someone on the show um and answer your questions in from uh what's the word professional yes point of view because we are not and you're not alone you know because we get a lot of these messages and i've been there myself right we've got a voice now hey bitches um love you don't know me but i feel like i know you obviously i fucking adore the pair of you i have a dilemma i'm not i don't care to be anonymous so um i obviously have i've followed you for ages and i and i listen to everything that you say and

ashley with a skincare and yourself as well lauren thank you you're you're all right too now that sounds awful doesn't it um but i have a dilemma my skin has been glowing it has been wonderful and i have met a man and he has a fucking beard now i am scared he's perfect by the way literally oh god not perfect because none of the bastards perfect but he's wonderful and i get treated like fucking gold oh and but he's got this beard and i like it i really do like it but i don't fucking like the way my skin looks in the morning after fucking chewing his face off all night so i love it i need your advice do a bin him off or do a risk getting rid of the beard and then not fancying him anymore what do you do because it's becoming a serious problem my skin

was amazing and now it's not yeah so yeah love you both love you shout out to lucas as well he does make me hard okay so um first thing is ash i'm gonna let you answer this because you're like the skin lady um but like the weird skin lady what i am gonna say is this about men's beards no one knows what's under those a 10 a 9 out of 10 can go to a 5 out of 10 when you take that beard off they could have you don't know what the chin they could have either have no chin or they could have a really big chin they could have there's all sorts that could be going on under there it's not beards that are irritating it's the stubbly which is like the most popular one yeah so it's not just irritating for your face it's vagina yeah anywhere it's sensitive

so um number one don't worry because you will stop snogging each other soon like it's gonna happen like at the beginning you're always snogging always snogging and then it'll just so that'll get better but what i would say is a barrier cream is always very good so think of your face like a baby's bottom getting nappy rash okay so what's a barrier cream so um what's it called citerplast yes very good so anything where you've got like almost like um a rash or an irritation or something like that i would put the citerplast on and that's la roche pose is it yes it's really really good and it's got vitamin b5 in for healing so i would just layer that on at night and then obviously i would try and have a word with him of like

this is too stubbly like is there a point where we can regrow it maybe for a little bit longer where it's not as um sandpapering my idea would be so to get a piece of cling film to cut a mouth hole out of the cling film to put it round his face and like snog with the cling film and then go from there I mean that could be an option that's an idea for me

the other idea would be potentially tonguing from a distance yeah just touching tongs so you're kind of like this it's like there's no miracle here is there no I don't really have any other ideas

but just don't worry you will stop snogging soon yeah you're going to stop snogging soon I can't remember the last time I had a snog but I'm really happy for you that you found a man with a beard that's really fit

and like that snogging stage is so nice oh I love a snog James so James has got a beard I don't have that rubby face no it'll be like stubble

she said beard have you ever snogged someone though with a full beard maybe that's quite crinkly and itchy you know like a quite she said beard

I'm thinking it's a beard my other problem with this is does he get food stuck in it because I had a boyfriend that had a beard once and he used to always get food stuck in the corners

and it made me sick because in that case there's a hygiene risk here as well okay so remember on nip tuck we want you to get your voices heard you can email us at hello at niptuckpod.com you can also send your ics and dilemmas via whatsapp that means voice notes too which we can play out in future episodes we love your voice notes keep them coming don't worry though if you prefer to remain anonymous we will never ever reveal who you are so simply head to

this episode's description for more information and we will be back next wednesday with more of nip tuck not giving a fuck did you say a then or a a a fuck we will see you then see you next week babes have a lovely weekend do something dirty and tell us about it after i will too