Nip Tuck - Bonus Babes: Bummed By A Chair

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

It's the bonus babes and we are here to help with all your dilemmas and hear the crazy sh*t we all get up to. From toys that beat our boys, to finding your fella getting intimate with your furniture and a rubber glove...To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod. Or you can email [e-mail] can send us your Icks & Dilemma's via Whatsapp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone]Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to nip tuck not giving a fuck bonus baby this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational funny i think we're funny funny women it's all about being you nobody else unapologetically yourself because that's what we are really aren't we we fucking are and it turns out people quite like it and there's more of us so it worked fifa pardon fifa what's fifa fit in or fuck off oh no but we don't want that we don't want people to fit in we want them to do what they want so i would say more like b y o f o okay be yourself or fuck off love that so on nip tuck we want you to get your voices heard you can email us at hello at nip tuck pod.com you can also send us your ics and dilemmas via whatsapp voice notes as well as you know we will

keep them anonymous should you want us to we'll never tell anyone who you are your secret is safe with us if you go to the episode's description then you can find more info on how to contact us we want to know what's been getting on your tits what's giving you the ick and any other bits your questions your embarrassing sex stories basically we don't give a

fuck we've got a message off a listener I've got an ick this week as well so you tell me when you want me to tell you

and I will I will right hello ladies hope you're both well I was trying to get on Ashley's supplements but I can't find

her Instagram page I wondered if you could recommend an iron supplement yes I've got very low iron and I'm trying to give myself a boost i always like what you recommend haha i've got one as well you know

and i'm not normally the supplement girl you go first right so number one my instagram yeah is still um deactivated suspended whatever you want to call it it's really fucking annoying however um i've set like a one up for in the meantime and on there it's got my amazon list of all of the supplements that i take lauren was actually just saying to me then how much my hair has grown and even when I went to the hairdresser the other week they were like, Ashley it's grown about three inches Your baby hair's come through thick and fast like a rug

Mine's like an old lady's pubes The supplements that I've been taking combined have been making my hair grow Everyone that's listening now is literally like because every girl wants the hair to grow But you said my moustache had grown as well

Oh my god you had such a tash What did we do? We did an interview thing on Skype and like a video thing and I was looking at her and I could just see this shadow shadow full on

my arms everything's going fast but then I'm glad of it because like the hair on the head well I am I was going to do you know

I was just going to quickly mention we've had laser hair removal once because we're in next week I think or I am once and I swear to god just off one

my pubic hair is so much less and when I shave I don't get a shaving rash they're not coming through off one so far I'm so happy to share that

well Pellis and Co they are doing a very good job tell us about so what I've got an iron that I'd recommend actually blue iron sounds like a Viagra

it's in a blue bottle okay it's called liquid iron liquid iron yeah I've seen that and it's blue the Spartan one

tastes of shit so one of my friends Emma had a similar hair growth problem she went down to London and went to see a trichologist

Philip Kingsley was it I think and they did loads of tests on her and they told her that she was low and needed to take ferrograd c which is this is that a type of iron yeah um and apparently it could yeah it's meant to be really really good and it's not expensive either you take like one a day for a while and

then when you don't need it so much um it does make your poo black though yeah she swears by it so just do a little research on that because i take that now and again ferrograd c and then you're saying the liquid liquid iron it's called liquid blue blue iron now it sounds like add blue it's on my um amazon supplements list but then i've also put this sea kelp on there and then i take the zany skin fusion as well yes that's amazing in conjunction all of it i just think has made my hair grow like i have always thought that sea kelp was just bullshit it's not okay absolutely not and i take two a day and i take those glower tablets i take the glower tablets as well basically it's annoying though that we can't pinpoint it on one thing yeah so you have

to try everything so i have to just take handfuls i like glower it has been working but my hair i haven't got like i do believe supplements help but at the end of the day your hair is your hair isn't it everyone's got either thick hair or thin hair so you can only you can't expect to take something and get a big massive long mane i never have i do you think there's anything that's going to improve it i am very proud of the fact that in covid i took all my hair extensions out and i wore oil on my hair every single day and i honestly believe that by doing that you've always had decent hair you've always had you have i like back way before we have more extensions way before you've got a thicker you've got a decent hair yeah just own it it's nice so my

amazon list is on my instagram page the temporary one i've got it's the cosmetic consult still isn't it um and it's on my link tree on there so yes do you know i was thinking um do you know how you were mentioning about blogging to me again you've got me thinking now so i used to have a blog like ages ago i keep me and say this to you and then you sent me a link tree to look at and stuff and i was like amazing and you were going to start doing a blog as well yeah and then you said to me didn't you why don't you do yours again i'm gonna write one a week yeah that's what i used to do one a week i feel like something's not but my only concern with it and i'll be honest when i did a blog and i don't think yours will be as like what's the word intrusive as mine was

i felt like the more i told people about how i was feeling in my life the more kind of what's the word when people overstep the limit a little bit they think that their life is they got a bit what's the word like you know like what press do intrusive they got a bit intrusive so you don't yeah i feel like putting everything out there can be risky so i've been toying with it i don't talk about my feelings yours won't be feelings yours will be like supplements and you'll be fine yeah i'm back and forth with that anyway i honestly think though that like blogging as someone reading blogs and writing if for me like i've just fallen out of love with like instagram and stuff like fake photos and yeah everything feels like an ad and i contrived don't get me wrong i do like

promote stuff but only if i honestly believe in it and i just feel like blogging right now for everyone might be a bit more of a healthy way forward it's weird honestly since you said it i thought i'm falling out of love a little bit with the stage picture and it's making me feel like i've got stuff to say that is more than just a picture um and then obviously on the pod we have a lot to say and yeah yeah we're lucky we've got the pod aren't we okay lauren i want you to read this one please oh okay so we we have had a message in from someone i've not actually properly looked at it yet um so let's see what we think okay so i feel like i have a few things to get off my chest as i feel like a problem shared is a problem half so and if you think of how many

listeners we have it's a problem one thousandth everyone's gonna more 30 40 50 million thousandth so we will start with my ex-boyfriend and i'd like to stay anonymous of course because i simply do not want people to know that i was associated with this absolute lunatic oh babe say you know you've seen my track record guys i played that out for a lot of you to see and how you enjoyed that but picture this he goes missing all weekend it's monday and i get up and i go to work as normal and he's still not home oh god but this isn't anything out of the ordinary i spend my morning at work and i come home on my lunch break i've spent a good 20 minutes downstairs and i go upstairs because i notice his shoes so he must be in so i open the bedroom door to find him lying naked on the bed

so my first thought is that he's hot yeah the heating's on until i notice there's a chair on the bed on the bed I walk over he's flat out on his front with a chair with a chair

on the bed and then she's put just let that sink in because it gets worse I can't I can't I can't read this oh my god

I can't I don't know I don't know if I can read this okay go on so one of the chair on one of the I can't

on one of the chair legs there was a rubber glove with Vaseline on it and poo yes poo he had basically spent his Monday morning

bumming himself with a chair with a chair and a rubber glove so I beat him with the chair and that was that I put the chair

in the garage oh that was nice of her because I couldn't believe it and I didn't want it in my house yeah you don't want to ever see the chair again he's bumped himself

with her chair not his it gets better my grandad comes to clear the garage out and asked me do I want to keep the chair and I said no

and he took it to the tip after returning I asked him did he throw it away and he said no because when he got there a man approached him and asked what he was doing with it

as it looked like it had a lot of life left in it yet and took it away turns out the man in the tip was his dad so he's bummed himself

with the chair and the chair's not haunting everyone the chair's not haunting everyone it's gone to the tip and his dad was at the tip at the same time but why would he be how would that work

like oh maybe right I see his logic behind the chair he's sitting on the chair yeah he's squatting on it so this

bumming yourself with a chair must be quite a common thing a stool would be a good option as well because you could just lie it down and then just

and the legs and the legs are thing it's also good for bumming the legs are thing imagine so we have this chair you can use it

for kids homework or you can flip it over with this chair he's been laying on his side with a chair leg shoving chair leg so do you think he's taken the chair leg

off the chair yeah but how do you hold the chair guys look at what you're sat on look he's done this on the side leaning on your side that's on its side and he's oh no he's using his right yeah i think that makes the most sense basically there's a lot of bumming to be done with chair legs yeah so and rubber gloves okay back at the chair now we don't we've tried in many many different positions to work out we've used a chair as a prop to work out how he was bumming himself with the chair a stool would be preferable

we think a stool would be better but if it wasn't there and the rubber glove yeah what was that for well so that it doesn't tear his

arsehole open ah I didn't even think of that and then he's worn himself out and had a little kip

and had a nap on a Monday he sounds like a really good candidate for husband yeah better than

some that I've had okay let's move thank you for that aren't people funny oh there's no queerer than folk have you ever heard of that

anyway so that gave me the ick a little bit i'll be honest which leads me on something icked me out just a minute well just an hour ago and i just wondered if anyone else feels this so i went into the the bathrooms here to have a wee because at the minute i'm just weeing all the time and i went for a wee and as i sat down i know it was a really quiet toilet another woman walks in woman's toilet sits down and we're both trickling and i got the most embarrassed feeling i could hear her wee and she could hear my wee. And mine's always long. And it was like,

and I thought, this is such an intimate thing. I'm listening to you weeing and I got all flustered and I thought, I want to get out of the toilet and out before I see your face because I feel like

I've just seen your vagina. I feel like we've just shared something really intimate. That's not as bad as poor men have to get that. Can we just talk about this for a second? It's not okay really,

is it? No, absolutely not. You're right, you're not. Whoever thought that it was all right. Lucas likes being able to see the size of people's cocks. Whoever thought that it was okay to make men stand there,

get their genitals out next to each other and pee. It's not all right, that. Women wouldn't do that. It's really unfair. You guys go to the toilet together. Because we're friends. So we go, what I mean is, you could be stood next to a stranger.

Maybe you need to help tapping the drops off. I don't know. I don't know. I just think, think about it logically now. You've never met a man. And it stinks. And you've got your todger out next to them. Is it weird, Lucas, or not?

I'm sorry, but... It stinks. Girls go to cubicles together. I know but girls go into toilets together to share tampons to share makeup to bitch about people

like and to use each other's like literally before a night out me and the girls I go you're taking bronzer yeah and you share it

because we've all got these stupid small handbags we don't know that you take a hairbrush I'll take the bronzer you take the and we all take different and then we meet up

in the toilet and use it all and the other thing is I think safety wise as well sometimes you want to go to the toilet with someone safe do you know what i've actually realized going out like recently yeah i don't feel safe anywhere really no i'm always so pissed i don't notice no i've stopped going out i mean everyone may

have noticed it's so scary like even like the other day it was um inhale at night and it goes dark at like four o'clock and i felt honestly like really scared like walking back to my car and stuff maybe it's because you've got like a 50 grand handbag right anyway so anyway um yeah so does anyone else get that public toilet freaky wee thing and I wanted to run out and I didn't want to look her in the eye I think that's a thing

yeah and this men thing having wee's next to each other Lucas just tell the truth one last thing would do men have a quick look

to see if it's big yeah of course they will yeah I would yeah yeah if I was in a row with women getting their boobs out I'd have a quick look

yeah okay I think any man would lie if he said they'd never had a look at least once yeah yeah just to know

just to look and I guess some might be that big that you can't like help like swinging around okay have you ever had a weenie rhino i have no you've asked me that a few times oh maybe i'm proud of it you ever shagged a chair leg i know you shagged a sofa leg i've rubbed myself on a sofa leg when i was younger and okay so yeah so as we know that's my ick but you lot have icks as well and one of them we got in was the world cup ick and it's the

thoughts of my future husband or boyfriend jumping around sweet caroline i've i honestly like i don't watch football but i watched the world cup and last year at the world cup or was it the ed you saw what he did he bought that screen yes he bought a massive full-on cinema screen for in our back garden and every night there was a blast there was lads in my back garden and then I'd walk in and everyone would be like the wife's home I love like

lads bands I love that I love sweet as you know I'll be going and watching it and like the kids love it as well it's a good vibe I'll be honest

they do and it's nice to support our men they'll have their polyesters on they will not be having their polyesters on no way yeah I know I quite like it

but I do know what you mean if someone was like a bit icky and then you watch them jumping around to Sweet Caroline and they get so so pissed and the pints throw everywhere

and they got all sweat and like beer in the hair it's like a lifestyle thing isn't it the football stuff the footy I'm not into the footy

nah okay hey girls love your show wanted to email in what gives me the ick when they sit with their legs crossed

like a woman even worse when they're fit but say it what but they sit there like a girl

I've never seen a man cross his legs I have my dad used to cross his legs sit down and cross his legs like a female James did it the other day how weird is that

yeah like that oh you're doing it now are you doing it would you naturally do it Lucas yeah but no I would say doing that where they put the foot on the knee

and doing that are two different things this is good for my laptop I don't know I think the dick can't be that big because the balls and willy

would be squashed so that's all I really have to say about that do you know what one listener sent one in and it's when men's feet

are like that and all the pictures outwards what time would you call that like penguins yeah what time would that be

11-1 whatever yeah 11-1 and they sit there and all the pictures the feet are out with these big massive

dock off Nike trainers boats yeah that's that's a little bit icky as well right next one

do you want to read it Lauren yeah go on then hi girls I love you both you were my only friends through maternity leave oh my god

oh well i'm a really good friend so enjoy i now feel i'm a fully fledged member of the hard-working mum club who literally doesn't even have a minute to breathe but having you girls on in the car on my way to and from work helps me feel like i actually socialize and get some girl time right you need to do something about this this is lovely but you've got to get out there and spend if you can get that girl time you need it even if you just invite like your single friends around for wine just have a chill i do that so thanks for being there for me oh do you know what i absolutely love that that's why we do this podcast because there's so many women that just want to be mates

with each other i'm really happy about girl chat so i had to message immediately when i stumbled across two enormous icks this week number one a man pressing the pedestrian crossing to help him cross the road cross it like a man stand up the side take the risk is that not jaywalking take that no that's when you're going like grass in spain is illegal in america not in this month cross the road have no fear just go for it you stop those cars

in their track Ed always tells me off for doing that yeah but would you stop like yeah I would I would and also you should

teach your children that as well Lauren yes but we're not talking about you or a child we're talking about men who stand there at the front

I understand what she's saying so men should play chicken with cars yeah yeah they should fuck off and loads of other

things that they should do that I don't have to do either because that's what I want to say because I can say what I want on this show next one

a man walking his dog with gigantic headphones on them look they were that huge and dramatic he looked as if he was wearing ear protection to go and chop down a huge tree i hate that what they call beeps no they're the new apple ones are even bigger aren't they no no no no no no i i you know i love molly may and she put on that she'd bought those apple ones and she was saying how much they were they were like six seven hundred quid and like she was like they're really good but I do feel like a dick in them and I thought oh I'm sorry Molly

but you do look like a dick in them why would you why right can I ask a question why when you can just put your little ear things in no so I you've used them

I've not used anything I don't listen to headphones so I do have the Beats ones the Beats ones I personally don't think are that offensive they're like smaller than that but why

over your head like a headband yes but when I go running which is not very often when do you go running I did you in lockdown I used to go running

you run for the postman when he's got your deliveries so So, when I was wearing them, like, it was very, I'm running, leave me the fuck alone, like, piss off. Do you feel like, actually... Do you see what I mean? Yes, if you go in the gym, do you feel like it's a bit like a, everyone just don't speak to me. It's almost like you've got, like, a barrier, you're not here for a chat.

Yeah. Okay, I definitely do that because I'm never there for a chat. When I wore, like, my Beats and my AirPods, I like wearing them around the house, it's fine because I can push them back in. But if I wore them on a run, they just fall out. Yeah, so I don't ever have headphones in. I never have headphones in because I don't listen to anything I listen to podcasts around the house

but they're meant to frazzle your brain No I'm either at work or I've got a kid and I can't hear her then so no I don't get that but I do understand if it meant people wouldn't speak to me I would wear beets from morning till night if it meant that nobody would fucking talk to me and everyone would leave me alone

I'd wear them and that's your co-host speaking Dilemma song please dilemma of the week dilemma of the week hey gals i give myself a better orgasm than my husband gives me help i think that's quite normal yeah i agree background info been together over 10 years was on the pill for nine of those and had no sex drive we tell you this including the desire to pleasure myself absolutely normal however now i've invested in a bunch of toys for me and it's the best i've had now when i have sex or

foreplay with my husband it's just not meeting my own ability laughing face it's not bad but it's not as good as what i achieve on my own what should i do easy do it with him get pull the toys out and do it with him let him to watch you they love it because last episode we spoke about their mains i found them i found them by the way um they're about you can get them for about 130 and the cheapest is about 45 that plug into the main we're holding out for someone to send us one yeah um right okay so the the mains and vibrator orgasms like okay i i totally get this and i do this sorry to go into such detail but if i'm like stressed i have to go upstairs yeah you go and do it a lot knock one out yeah you do but it takes like five ten seconds and it's just very shallow

one shallow you need that hit you need the hit i can do it myself in 30 seconds yeah like and it's like done back to normal life yeah it's just like a quick release whereas i think with men you can enjoy it more like you can make it more of a thing so if you can put these two things together then this is fucking mind blowing them but but do it slowly because this poor man's been used to 10 years of yeah so one of i don't think this is unusual for one and i think yeah i think you probably can give yourself a better orgasm who who can't like yourself i think that's very and a toy they can't compete with that so one of the things that men absolutely love and that i do as well is where you pleasure yourself at the same time as you're having sex so rub your clit while

you're having sex with your own i do that do you not do that what no while he's inserting no you don't not really why just don't okay so that's one thing use your toys get him to watch you self-masturbate whilst you watch each other all that hello let me teach you a lesson yeah yeah my favorite which is let's pretend we're having a sex lesson um but yeah no you do it together and he will see how much you enjoy it and he'll be like yeah let's do that more and then he'll start using the toys on you you need to start doing it more together i see nothing wrong with that at all yeah and you'll have like the best orgasm and you'll be with your partner and also guys can we just say coming off the pill see see what do we say the pill can seriously fuck you it fucked

mine up and i've not been on it now for what oh my god a year over a year bad for 18 months maybe ages and it's i'm totally different in that respect have you seen all the shit about dry shampoo yes i've been a carcinogenic horrific so i need to decide whether to have cancer or greasy hair no there's i i'm gonna find out which one is the best all natural one i'm looking at two or three i've ordered some i can't live without i'm gonna test them out i know but batiste is the worst the worst and there was another brand that i bought and it was um it looked very like the branding of it was very natural and like simple no the living proof is one as well living proof's good but it makes your hair very textured and tacky it's amazing if you're going on a night

out you bought a dupe out of that um but not just for day-to-day dry shampoo i bought one that i thought that was really expensive and i was like this must be better for you than batista read the ingredients not so i have ordered some others and so we'll update you next week or maybe other week after on that exactly right next one hi girls love the pod i have a situation that i want your advice on i'm 21 i have a really good friend who i've known for 10 plus years we have been on our own a lot of times and it's definitely more than just friends we have never got together despite him trying plenty of times and asking me to come back to his at the end of a night out he has said that he likes me but this only happens whenever he's drunk none of our friends know this

when we're sober we go back to being normal and recently i've noticed he almost avoids me or goes out of his way not to make an effort with me but he texts me randomly one to two nights a week and we have a flirt he doesn't do this to any other girls in my group i'm worried that if i tell him how i feel he won't respond in the way that i want him to and it may ruin our friendship i've got one big problem here what how does she feel she's not told us my question is does he want to just get some action when he's pissed or is it more and he feels the same so i'm guessing she does okay okay okay he's maybe too scared what would you do i love him as a friend but i always wonder could it be more okay never don't try don't get don't find out i think no if you never try you

never know that shag him oh i thought you meant don't try no i'm like if you don't try she needs She'll be like, mate, you're all talking, you're coming round, the door's open. Oh, now she's going to suggest that she wear some fucking underwear and outfit on. Okay, so two ways you can go about this. Number one, next time that he offers it pissed up, you go and have a pissed up shag and you see how you feel

because the next day, if it's not working, you can put a laugh about it and be like, remember when we got smashed and had sex? But she does need to know that that may be one thing that comes out of it. Like, A, it was just a shag and you potentially ruined the friendship. But maybe not, because you could laugh about that

and be like, it didn't work for us. Yes. So that's one way of doing it. But girls usually get caught up in their feelings. They do. But that would be the way I would probably go down. And I'd get hurt, probably. But that's the way I'd do it.

I'd get really drunk and be like, sod it, let's do it. And then the next day I'd be like, oh, that was really good. Wow. Or I'd be like, ha ha ha. He's not texting me. He's not texting me back. So that's one way of doing it. The other way, I don't feel like you should sit and ask him,

like, what is this? I feel like that's silly. You men fucking hate that. What is this? think i don't think he wants to get some action pissed because he wouldn't keep trying it with you and he texts you when he's sober and he can shag another girl yeah yeah and maybe it is that maybe that's what it starts with just try it yeah what does every relationship start with you fancy each other and you want to be like easy breezy very chilled with it and be aware that it might

be a slow burner and see how you feel about that yeah um uh yeah i would probably take him up on his next proposition i'm gonna say take you up with a chair like i would take him up on his the next proposition and I would see where it went from that and I'd really keep it loose and calm and laugh about it

Lauren I sent you this TikTok you won't have watched it I send Lauren so many funny TikToks like I am losing hours of my fucking life on that thing

I watch none of the TikToks I don't even reply and this man was like doing this meme and he was like oh my goodness I've just got

a really long text message about all of her feelings I'm just reading it now I'm thrilled I'm so I'm going to cancel the trip to magaluf with my mates because it's making her really unhappy yeah and she said so

it's really funny isn't it it's i'm so glad you've sent me this text to discuss the feelings oh so we're going to meet up and have another chat about our feelings again men hate it they hate it as i feel like men are action do you know like in my mind i hate doing maths or i hate like my credit card statement or my bill yeah i feel like as soon as i like look at something like that my head just yeah and i feel like when a man opens a text like that saying they go saying i need we need to talk or i've been thinking and then they just go and shut down so the best way is action they see action so all of a sudden you start texting back you go on a night out and don't go home with him that's when they notice something's wrong and then they will come to you

and be like what what's wrong whereas if you start when they cave in when they cave actions with men are you okay well now that you're a cowboy let's go um so yeah that's our advice okay so remember you guys can get in touch we absolutely love that day we love it especially the girl that's just that's like that said that we were friends on maternity that is so cute so you can email us at hello at niptuckpod.com you can also send your ics and dilemmas via our whatsapp that means voice notes too which we can play out in future episodes don't worry though if you prefer to remain anonymous we will never reveal who you are so simply head to this week's episode description for more information and we will be back with the next episode of nip tuck

next wednesday please don't forget to share like subscribe all that good shit and we love you so much thank you