Nip Tuck - Bonus Babes: Farting In Front Of Your Fella

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

It's Friday and the girls are back to answer all your questions and dilemmas. Whether it's farting in front of your fella or friends who are giving you grief about your engagement ring. The girls never hold anything back, so why should you?To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod. Or you can email [e-mail] can send us your Icks & Dilemma's via Whatsapp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to nip tuck ashley's doing a tiktok with a fucking donut bonus my boy this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational women and it's all about being unapologetically yourself whatever that might be you can be it honey whether it's dingle dangle in dingle dangle out whatever keep your dingle in keep your dongle out nobody cares do what you want with your dingle dangle why does dingle dangle dongle make me laugh so much if you've not listened to wednesday's episode that's gonna make no sense so you better go and listen to it and stop being half-assed you're listening or not hashtag what dd crew dd crew right okay on nip talk we want you to get your voice heard so you can email us at hello at nip talk pod.com

we want you to get your dingle out and your dongle get your dingle dongle you can also send your icks and dilemmas via WhatsApp. Send your dingles, send your dungles. I know why I'm stopping. It really tickles me. Listen to Wednesdays if you don't get what we're talking about. That means that voice notes, so we can play your voice notes will remain anonymous should you want them

to be. We just want to know everything. What's getting on your tits? What's giving you the ick? And any other dingle dangle bits. This is a bit like that lick your arse tonight where we can't stop saying it all the way through. Just head to today's episode description for more information on how to get in touch. We want your embarrassing sex stories

and everything because really we don't give a fuck any who listener messages we've had loads bloody loads

haven't we I love it thank you girls hi girls love love love your pod I feel like I'm sharing a bottle of

wine with my friends when I listen we normally are sharing a bottle of something when we're recording so you pretty much are

and the rest and the rest I was wondering if Ashley could give me some advice please why not me right I don't like you a few years ago I used to have microblading and now I'm left with an

awful orange pigment do you not love how you're the semi-permanent makeup stop stop stop the press no I'm being asked this question no well I know the answer you you say the wrong answer then because I'm a trained semi-permanent makeup artist laser removal is the only way to get rid of it but this fucking happens a lot and I feel like some of the most beautiful people in the world have had bad semi-permanent makeup decisions no do you know who's one of them i'm going to be controversial michelle keegan what don't you like what she had she had big brown eyebrows yeah um but she's had them removed now and that's why she looks anyway go on then give your advice because you're obviously a professional semi-permanent makeup artist one of my friends has had laser

and it was a very long drawn out process because you can't have anything there and you have to go the laser and like it's very dangerous i'm saying nothing because i know the right answer here or you can have that salt solution which i do which they tattoo into your eyebrow which i've heard is a lot better than the laser okay i don't want to give my advice because jen clearly should have asked me but she asked you so good luck i joke i joke okay so um hot girls don't geek you shut up right okay so yes saline solution i do that we tattoo a saline solution it's almost like having the tattoo in the first place um and saline solution goes into the skin and it can break up the pigment effective semi a bit not that you have to have it like three you have to have more

than that like six it's semi um it's semi effective and it can be good on certain people however i'll be totally honest laser um is going to get rid of it the quickest orange pigment is going to stay the longest because it is one of the it's like when you were younger and you used to put a shaders toner on your hair the red and the orange will never come out and it's because of the pigment size so it's one of the hardest pigments to get out so basically laser i've had my eyebrows lasered now three times um it's really working first the gray came out now the orange is coming out what are you going to get them redone yes i'm going to get them redone i'm just going have a soft powder brow because i don't have brow hairs so i do need something oh you used to have

those blocky things yeah honestly it was the laser is incredibly painful but it lasts about 10 seconds it honestly fucking kills and i'm not soft like it's dark pigment and it just kills me laser kills but that's like that um lumeca it's worse than that shut up in one honestly i was like this like so painful ash it kills anyway having said that i've had it done three times and i will continue i reckon you need four or five um you're better off try the saline it depends how bad they are but yeah i'm getting mine off and then i'm starting again um yeah don't get microblading again either we've spoken about that so yeah okay next one girls just listen to the fart podcast and i've got one to share fart is that or me and my current boyfriend who is now the father of my

two children so it went well we own a home and we're six years into a relationship get married sorry depends how much money he's got if you've got money don't get married don't say it don't say it get married and make sure there's no prenup we have got absolutely paralytic had porn star sex and crashed i woke up in the morning and he wasn't in bed i was 100 still half pissed you shagged him out of the bed love how funny is it though when you shag when you're pissed and you wake up and you're like your legs are a kimball there's wet everywhere you're like um i was still 100 half pissed i went to find him and he was in the bath so i thought it would be really sexy you know when you wake up you're still half pissed aren't you yeah she's right um to get in with him which seemed

like would be a good idea and he really to really enjoy it then out of nowhere i don't know what the fuck came over me but i needed to fart and i thought it would be really funny just to fart in the bath and say oh jacuzzi that's something i'd do i then realized what i'd done it's like when you do it's like me this is my life this every ash has got her arse out i realize what i've done i think why have i just said that except when i do it it's on a podcast for like thousands and thousands of people put your arse away mate um anyway she froze and waited for his reaction he just got out of the bath got a towel and left the room we didn't mention it for a couple of years until i told my friend about it on a couple's night out and luckily we all had a good

laugh how mortifying love that that's so imagine doing it and then as soon as it's come out your mouth you've thought why did i do that in front of james oh god yeah it's disgusting and your relationship's right okay so let me tell you how it started no i agree here so when it first started i didn't fart in front of him unless i had to i don't poo in front of him oh my god when i was in new york so i said i'd talk about this on the podcast so he is a farting machine he just farts all day and night that's all he does like he literally i've never my mom he farted my mom was like where's it come from i've never known someone to fart so much so at the beginning i was like i'm not gonna because i think you need to keep that air of sexiness do you know and keep

that difference yeah and i do agree with you i do agree with you however it's sometimes very hard to keep up and the stomach ache is sometimes crippling so sometimes yeah and actually he likes it but that's what i mean by mistake anyway so please if you want your relationship to last you need to stop doing this yeah but we're best friends i don't we are best friends like let's have this conversation when we've split up okay um anyway no one of my friends they're married they've been together like 10 years they literally in the morning she said it's like a brass band in the bedroom and they just laugh their heads off and they love each other and they're amazing disgusting okay anyway right okay when i was in new york i needed a poo and i'd been really i'd

done really well to poo outside and outside like in restaurants or like i'd managed to time the poo release the hounds really well um however when we were in new york it was good it was in the evening and i needed a poo we weren't going anywhere there was nothing i could do touching cloth so i was touching cloth like to the point where i couldn't even laugh i couldn't relax it was horrible so i had to say to him james i need a poo and he's like fine just go for a poo i was like no no you're gonna have to leave the room it was like are you fucking kidding i said no you have to leave the hotel room good girl so i made him he was like he was like really lauren like this is so silly he said i've seen your arsehole he was like i've licked your arsehole like you've

been serious here and i was like i'm sorry you're gonna i can't so i can't have a nice enjoyable I needed to enjoy it I would have been like frantically bum clenching panicking about the drop trying to flush the toilet as it hit the water no no no

so I made him go and sit outside and I put it on Instagram and he sat on the floor arms folded outside the hotel room and I kept checking I thought he was going to run in

so I kept checking that he wasn't coming and yeah I did the poo and then I made him wait a good five minutes until I was comfortable with him coming back in again did you say it smelled?

it didn't actually because what I did here's a tip get the flush ready and as it's about to drop you flush there's no smell to be had because the poo

it's called a courtesy flush yeah it's come out of your bum and literally gone straight away so there's nothing to hang around down the hatch there's nothing to smell ah my bum we're gonna have to

she's stood up because of her stupid arse implants she's just farted right so you can fart now on the podcast in front of all these it's all women that listen though isn't it

um okay next one are you gonna are you even do you even want to have you have you followed through Ashley

I that's not fair right I'm gonna read the next one because she's wandering around because of her bum implants she can't sit down for long so she's stood up you know like when someone doesn't like flying and you see them walking up and down the aisle nervously she's like that right in my face like farting and stuff okay i'm gonna read this because you're just really annoying me hi ladies i was at house party last week and i was chatting to a girl who told me her boyfriend wasn't drinking i assumed he'd chosen this since it was more convenient for them to drive versus getting a taxi trauma that's actually what

and equally need to discuss people going sober um so she assumes that the reason he's not drinking because why else wouldn't you be drinking she assumes it's because it's easier one of them needs to get a taxi or whatever he was pregnant come on nope she proceeded to tell me that he wasn't drinking as he's got eczema and the alcohol flares his eczema up wow these are not our people no not my kind of person i feel like this is up there with the asthmatic like it isn't fair it is So it is tight on him. But also imagine having eczema as an adult and imagine telling people.

No. I'd have honestly just lied and said my boyfriend was working in the morning or something. I agree. Like he can't because he's eczema. I've got to pull it to me. No, do you know who these people are? What?

The kind of people that don't serve alcohol at children's parties. Oh, that's all we need at a child's party. That's why we're going. That's what's keeping us going at the child's party. No, these people are amongst us. Can I just say as well, I'm really behind with Real Housewives

of Beverly Hills like really behind and do you know which bit I'm on now where Erica keeps getting fucking shit faced I love her and she keeps

God's own son yeah and she was like fuck off and then she was asking for a threesome to the other I am enjoying

every minute of it and do you know what I'm watching it and she's on her antidepressants and drinking and that's my problem and then the next day

she wakes up and she's like yeah honestly I'm loving every minute but all of her friends like protect her while she's drunk

yeah well some of them don't yeah I like I like Lisa Renner and Lisa No, Lisa Renner's been cancelled. What? The bot.

Lisa Renner's been cancelled? Diana. Diana's been cancelled? Diana. Oh, she is fucking something else, her. She's unreal. Wow, she married well. Right.

She did, but not the second one. He's definitely gay. That husband's gay. She's pregnant again with another baby. It's not his. Stop, stop, stop. Lisa Renner's been cancelled? Lisa Renner's been cancelled.

She's left housewives. She's my favourite. She's me. No, no, no, no, no. So Garcelle's son. Yeah. Oh, why would they keep ruining everything for everyone? There was the whole racism thing where,

oh, you've not got to this point. So basically, Garcelle's son, obviously Erica asked him for the threesome. Yeah, I wish the sons are annoying, go away. I can't remember. At some point, he kept getting racist Instagram comments and tweets. Oh, I vaguely remember him. So I'm thinking, I can't, don't quote me.

Anyway, long story short, Garcelle blamed Diana. Oh. And Diana was like... Don't like Garcelle, to be honest. It's fucking not me. and Diana's rich as fuck like she's she's that rich

she's next level let's put this into context before she stays in a hotel room she has someone go and get it ready doesn't she she has someone

go in and like make sure the energy level is and puts her clothes out and stuff and like sages the room so she blamed Diana and Diana's like

not me and Diana was like I will pay any money to find out who this person is so this is on the reunion it's not Lisa

the ip address has come from lisa runner's house i'm sorry i've just thrown it out there so they are they are trying to say potentially that lisa renner has written racist tweet i'm not having that i don't believe that i know i don't believe it number one she's not that stupid have a look at the tiktok okay okay okay i like lisa anyway i've forgotten where we've fucking gone with this oh yeah so erica getting smashed i was watching her thinking that's me every fucking weekend and they're calling it a problem it's the antidepressants and drink if anyone takes antidepressants and drinks i'm telling you i've never taken them it black blacks you out so i start you have one drink on them yeah yeah and you black it's bad it's really bad why i don't

know i don't know why but you know i've not taken my antidepressants for three weeks and i've been horrible they work yes i've been horrible i've just i've been off filter anyway fucking this is totally ridiculous you know you shouldn't you should never do that no i know anyway this is another conversation for another time okay sorry whitney houston i'm just looking at heavily filtered photos of lauren i never do that you know i don't do i i've just put the heavily filtered one then i don't i don't ever do it because i just think you watch me on the podcast so i think people will look at me why are you doing that i see you on the podcast we know what you look like so i don't do it what i met one of our idols yes this is what i was going to discuss

okay so there's just too much to talk about ash met colleen she what was she like it's stunning Is she gorgeous? Her skin. She's got lovely skin, hasn't she? She's sound as fuck. I bet she's sound. She looks fucking sound. Really?

What did she have to say? Because she follows you on Instagram, doesn't she, pal? I can't. I'll tell you off air, but she's one of us girls. Does she like us? Can we also talk about Christmas Eve, what you did? Hmm. Talking about famous people.

Okay, you say your side, I'll say mine. Right, okay. so we're at my house on christmas eve and um just like a few friends around busy there's a lot people one of my really good friends her husband we won't say his name plays football for england yep and she lives a few doors down and i've met her a couple of times yeah lovely fucking lovely stunning lovely anyway um she when they go out they get peppered with people pep like can we get a picture yeah he gets in like a lot of like stuff and blah blah blah and they've got an amazing bar in the house like an outhouse bar where we just go around and have

drinks yeah because they're that sick of it yeah anyway all of my friends know not to ask him for a picture and um he was like i can come around but i've got training yeah next day soon you know It was just having a chilled one. It was like a standard, like no one asks for a picture. Yeah. Right, let me tell my side. I don't give a fuck about football.

Not a flying fuck. If I banged into most of the footballers, apart from Wayne Rooney and Beckham, I don't know who they are and I don't give a fuck, okay? Me, personally. However, my side of the story is this. We went to Ashley's.

We went with James. I'm not inviting you anywhere ever again. We went with James and his two sons and his little girl. His son is nine. he's football obsessed he's the cutest little boy and he's obsessed with football okay obsessed with it we take him around to ashley's he sees this particular football star i don't know anything about football and his face he lights up he is the he's like it's like seeing his idol he he was

smiling at me he's going lauren lauren lauren i was like i know i know well i don't know because i don't really get it but i was like okay it's all right it's all right and he's going lauren i'll do anything i just love a picture with him and i was like i can't really it's really embarrassing this like how embarrassing for me to have to do this but his little face it made his year so yes it was really embarrassing of me however i would do it again for him because he's a little boy and actually when i spoke fuck off lauren when and also i'm stepmom i need fucking stepmom points also when i spoke to said footballer after and i said of course he's gonna be nice no he was i said look i'm so sorry i said but you were that little boy once and he was like

i know and i didn't go up to him when he was having his dinner i didn't go up to him when he was having his dinner and i'm sorry that we haven't got all these posh rich friends like you that are all footballers um i didn't go up to him when he was eating i didn't go up to he was stood there doing nothing i said would you mind it took i was very quick and we walked away i apologized after now would i go up to him when he was having his dinner absolutely not in a restaurant in public no it's not that deep i'm taking the piss out so then it was very funny and i turned around and what i said something really funny it was like oh fuck i forgot that i had chubby friends yeah I forgot that I had scruffy friends

I forgot because I said no one told me not to ask him anyway turns out turns out never mind who he is

he knew who I was because he went actually I recognise you off the TikTok so who's famous here who's famous I should have said to him please don't speak to me

I did ask Colleen Rooney for a selfie last night and this is what so when this happened I showed James and I went James look who Ash is with Colleen Rooney

he went hang on a minute why can you not take pictures with bleep and she can get jammy selfies at a table with Colleen Rooney and I went exactly You can give the girl money

But you can't take the chab out of her No Oh my god Do you know One of my friends Sent a voice note Last night to me And it was

She was in the petrol station Yeah When they say Like My idol Tanya fucking Turner Was behind her And she said

She had a Tanya Turner outfit on She actually was Tanya Turner And she was acting all Tanya Turner-y No way I would have asked Tanya Turner for a picture at the petrol station. I wouldn't ask anyone in my life for a picture. I couldn't give a fuck.

Even Kim Kardashian, I'm not interested. On my life. I swear to you, Ash, I wouldn't ask. On my life. If Kim was here now, why would I want a selfie with Kim? For what? To do what with?

Well, you'd look like shit next to her. Well, that's one thing. I'd look like shit. No, like, I wouldn't want... Well, why? Like, that's when you'd realise. I can't stop burping. Anyway.

Okay, so now, this is serious. This is a serious dilemma that she needs help with. Who's reading it? You... You say you're better at reading than I am. hi girls and lucas i really need your help this situation is spiraling out of control and i know you always offer the best advice so we questionable but i don't follow it i recently got engaged and it was perfect the proposal the ring everything rewind a few months my now fiance before showing

anyone and even asking my dad if he could marry me showed my best friend's fiance the cad image of my ring design obviously he was excited to tell him that he was planning on proposing to me obviously those girls had no idea about this so she he's gone to one of her friends boyfriends and be like oh i'm getting this ring for her blah blah cute a few days later he received a text message from my best friend's fiancee to say that he shouldn't get me that ring as it was too similar to my best friends and that it would be so awkward and awful for that to happen to us so what he's saying is he's messaged who what men do this messaged him and said listen mate i've been thinking about this ring i don't think you should get that one it's too similar to my girlfriend's

like you'd give a fuck anyway no he shouldn't have asked it got really nasty and my fiance was so so upset and confused as to what to do so obviously he spent all this time making the ring of his dreams and then his mates like nah it's a bit much like mine luckily he wasn't influenced good and he stuck to his original plan of designing the ring we'd always looked at and spoken about my fiance remains really mature and sensible but ever since my best friends and a fiance have completely cut ties with him oh i was oh good i was completely oblivious to all of this so we had no idea until recently i can't believe someone could be so nasty and selfish yeah i've tried to ignore it and keep both teams sweet but it's starting to cause arguments at home now and

i don't know what to do pick your fella these are not your people pick your fella these are the type of people that don't drink because they've got psoriasis wait for context i'm a maid of honor and my fiance feels so uncomfortable he doesn't want them at our wedding right okay so there one thing that i always say that's her talking through him yeah you need to men haven't right first of all the man has had nothing to do with this this is your mate making him say yeah so what's happened is your mate has gone home and said oh such and such you want to see the ring it's stunning and she's gone no that's like mine you better pass that back it's got a diamond on it like mine that's what's happened this is all coming from the girl men

don't care enough so number one one thing i always say is you tackle things head on don't go around the edges don't question it i would go to the friend and sit down and be like what's going on here because i but this has happened that i know you wouldn't you just cut ties i wouldn't i would find out directly don't be a pussy hole and skirt around the edge you sit with your mate we're grown women and be like what's going on here then i would because you wouldn't want to lose your friendship now if she's still a bitch about it then i would take my fiancee side on this sounds like a knob i think she sounds like a bit of a knob knob and you know what at times in your life whether you've been friends forever whether you're the maid of honor

you have to cut people out also can i just say these are the type of narcissistic humans that would have these fucking three-day weddings in the arse and expect everyone to go and pay you have to go and pay and take the time off work and then they'll have their sunny jim's first birthday and then she'll get so obsessed with sunny jim yeah that all she does is text you about Sonny Jin's sleeping routine and da da da da da and this is

this is the point in your life when you realise ah ah not my kind of people no and do you know what that's not a true friend

if I I mean if I got a ring off James it was like actually I wouldn't complain but I wouldn't care like it's just it's just really

it's silly because you you were seeing that guy this morning so you had to take your ring off from him what guy I'm spreading a

I'm spreading an affair rumour yeah I just think fuck her off i think your fiance i think your fiance sounds lovely for keeping it to himself and not telling you about it till now and i just think that they're not the kind of people that you and they both sound like drama oh my god guys do you know what me and lauren were talking about before um we i lost my lip gloss and i was like oh my god where is it and i was like have you stolen it and then we were like oh my god did you have a friend when you were younger that stole stuff

from everyone had a friend that used to steal things from your house like your lip gloss those type of girls now and then your lip liner as you got older it got your concealer they would always steal something no those type of girls now are fucked

yeah like they've got a trauma yeah they're the girls that have got trauma issues is it called like kleptomania or something kleptomania

have you ever stolen from the shop when you were a kid I'll tell you something really like let's I'll be quick but anyway Ed's mum and dad

they won't mind me telling this story but they were divorced and they've got such a good relationship both of them they're just so grown up anyway he used to go around to ed's mom's house on his way home from work to see the kids yeah and in his briefcase he

used to have cash yeah the cash like kept going missing so he was like it wouldn't be her because i know absolutely he had no doubt it was like it wouldn't be heard but he was setting traps where he was like every time yeah so somebody's doing it yeah anyway was it he literally this was back in the day set cameras up really full-on set cameras up had people hiding in bushes like and helen was then in on it ed's mom yeah where he was like i've i suspect it's this person your best friend that keeps coming around what yes and he was like helen we're gonna have to set this up where invite x and y the couple round to the house for a chinese and i'm putting a camera in the kitchen ed's mom was fully in on it and this was years ago when cameras were like yeah yeah bulky

and she sets it up and bless ed's mom she was like i hated every minute yeah i bet because she was like she wouldn't have believed it was i couldn't believe it was her and she was like i invited my best friend and her husband around for a takeaway and i left the kitchen and as soon as she left the kitchen this woman gets her hand gets the money no no wait for it then she knew william's car was outside with the suitcases she went out got money out of it what went back again and got more wow and they had the film and ed's dad played it ed's mom crying her eyes out and she was like i can't believe it and what did they do she worked in the local school she'd be doing it there as well

and the kids were at school oh it's so shit I mean the most I've ever taken they didn't involve the police yeah they just got on with it they went round

right went round to her house and her husband was like can't believe it he didn't know like showed her the tape she hadn't spent any of the money

she had ironed every single note what and it was all neatly well that was silly of us you should have spent it stacked

how weird you know the drawer that you and Ed have that's got like the bits of stuff in the top you know like in the kitchen where you pull it out

oh yeah yeah I've taken like 20 quids have you no have a fork but that's where people keep like the 20 quids

that they throw in isn't it I've taken a few lighters I've stolen a few lighters over the years what's the worst thing that I've ever stolen I when I was a kid

stole some bath in boots there used to be a thing with like bath jellies and I stole a load of those my mum made me take them back oh yeah do you remember do you remember

they pulled it out like a pick and mix thing and they had tiny bath And they were like little dolphins. And they gave me to rush. Yeah. I stole loads of those ones. Body shop used to have them.

Yes, and my mum made me take them back. Right, okay. We're done for today. Yeah, message us, WhatsApp, email us, get in touch. Go to this episode's description if you want more info. Basically, we don't give a fuck. But do us some good reviews, though. Girlies.

What? We're meant to be finishing what? Use our code on Love Honey. Yes. Thank us later. Yes, yes, yes. There's loads of good shit on there. It's Nip Tuck 20.

20% off get yourself some dirty stuff and then send us reviews on it the bum plugs are good the one with them love heart crystal the one with the pink love heart

coming out so when you're bent over you've got like a pink heart coming out your arse it's so weird strippers put them in you know really yeah and then they twerk

and then it winks at you wow anyway bye