Nip Tuck - Bonus Babes: Farts That Haunt Me

Episode Date: December 9, 2022

The girls were still 'ill' from the Christmas brunch when this was recorded, so expect lots of over sharing and conversations that are all over the place! Well... more so than normal. From the farts that have haunted the girls since their explosive appearance, to a dilemma that really has put the girls to the test. To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod. Or you can email [e-mail] can send us your Icks & Dilemma's via Whatsapp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone]Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to nip tuck not giving a fuck it's the bonus baby so this is the episode oh yeah not right this is the podcast where we celebrate being positive aspirational women why are you laughing oh yeah not right this is what hello and welcome behind the scenes welcome back welcome it's friday it is look in the mirror tweak your nipples put on a white i love t-shirt a white t-shirt with no bra and and hard nips and when you've got your nipple pierced i'm still thinking about getting mine done it's yeah i think it's sexy i'm not sure my boobs are too big so yeah so put your white t-shirt on tweak your nipples and go and have the best friday you could possibly dream of if you are in a bad mood for whatever reason or you're

feeling a bit shit today just remember you could get hit by a bus this afternoon so this could be your last day and would you want your last day moaning no you wouldn't treat every day as if it could be your last i know i always forget why you're in a mood and crack on i always talk have you seen this tiktok you never have um it's a tiktok and it goes you can add a whole extra 60 minutes of anxiety to your day by waking up one hour early no it says it says if you wake up one hour you could get an extra 60 minutes of anxiety it's so fucking true literally this time of year is so busy for everyone like my diary is full and you don't even put your own christmas tree up yeah imagine if you had to do that and it don't even work exactly and you've got a nanny yeah so

imagine everyone else and a cleaner and a cleaner so it is a stressful time things are shit sometimes everyone's struggling everyone's in the same boat turn that frown upside down there's nothing you can do about it anyway so crack on take a break we're gonna chat shit at you for about the next half hour enjoy on nip talk we want you to get your voice heard you can email us at hello at nip tuck pod dot com so you can get in touch via whatsapp so you can do voice notes too which you know that we love and we can play them out we can keep you anonymous if you would prefer to do so i don't like the warpy voice it creeps me out but we can do it if if we must do you know what at the brunch i said is any was anybody here the pot noodle girl and every time i spoke to a girl

scottish girls because we had girls that came from edinburgh and london literally literally like ridiculous people who came with like suitcases with suitcases like they came to stay honestly I mean I know

we keep saying it but fucking amazing girls and every time I spoke to a Scottish one I was like were you the pot noodle and they were like no it wasn't me

pot noodle girl please can you come to the next one so I can pack I'll give you a prize I'm gonna give her a prize a pot noodle I'll give her a pot noodle

Bombay I'll give her whatever she wants anyway so you can send in anything that you want to us you know we want to know everything

right basically we don't we don't give a fuck give a fuck Right then Hi ho Hi ho It's off to work we go

What are we doing? I'm tired Right girls Here is our first message Hi ho Hi ho It's off to work we go What is wrong with you?

Are you still pissed? I'm going to lick your arse tonight Please stop saying that Your arse tonight It's like that This is two episodes now That we've been singing this song Hi

Hi girls I was going to read that you don't just take it off me yeah but this is a question for me oh yeah you read it then yeah fuck off hi girls

you mentioned what sounds like the scar cream on the pod I've had loads of messages asking this as well with Jax

what is the cream we've not spoken about the Jax episode yeah it was good just stop for a sec I need to say this we haven't because of the brunch

and everything the feedback we had on the Jax episode I can't thank you all enough I had messages which I put on my Instagram one girl messaged me saying her brother is trans

and listening to this that is amazing and one lady told me that her husband works with a trans girl at work and he isn't sure how to approach it

so she sent him this episode and just basically people saying that it was one of the favourites and that they liked how we can do a more sensible thing as well

and I thoroughly enjoyed it and it went down really well so we love your feedback thank you anyway what scar cream

did we offer to Jax well I posted it and he's got it that's really cute because the kind of thing I would do is say that I was going to post it and forget

I'll do you a reel I'll do you a reel that's the kind of thing I would and I mean it with all the best intentions but right guys

the secret behind that I'll do you a reel I'll do you a TikTok is Lauren always promises this to everyone and she never ever no I know

she never does any of it I've got this really bad thing where I feel really mean so I don't do it much now you know big time now but back in the day someone would say

can i send you some clothes for fear and they'd be awful they'd be nothing that i would ever dress my child in ever and i'd be like okay i'll do you real i'll do you real and then i'd get them and think why because now i've got to find in my day to put a picture up of these you know and i thought why did i do that and i'm terrible i have the nicest um i have the best intention and then i don't do it so don't send me anything no anyway the scar cream yeah i posted it to jacks and i I sent him a micro-needling kit as well and I've told him how to use it. Oh, so kind.

And the scar cream, the best scar cream you will ever, ever, ever, ever use in your life. The Resume Scar Repair Forte. And I gave you one as well. Has anyone noticed my chin? So, you know, I burnt my chin with the curlers. Yeah. How bad was it?

Thank God you had it in. Yeah, I thought it was going to scar forever. Now, I've not even used it as much as I should and it's definitely... You use it even on like fresh wounds and stuff. Yeah, it is really good. It's absolutely incredible. Also, what do you think of Dermatix?

It's all right. All right. It's all right. A combination of the two could be good. A hundred percent because silicone is different to what is in the resume stuff. I've not actually looked at the ingredients in the resume, but whatever the hell's in it, it works. I think a mixture would probably be okay. A hundred percent.

so i use the resume stuff and then i also use the biocornium scar gel yes i've got that which is so good and that's also got an spf in it which is very good for like facial scars all of that um and that is a silicone what is your views on silicone patches yes so i um my surgeon that did my c-section put one on me straight away have you heard of pico dressing yes i asked for one they're like 300 pounds yeah they said i wasn't allowed one um and what a pico dressing is it has like a pump in it doesn't it like a vacuum or something and it makes like no infection infection and no gap between the skin and the tissue and all that yeah um yeah a lot of places you can ask for it and it's about another three four hundred pounds you can buy them off the internet and give

them them to put on yeah yeah okay there you go there's your answer honeys loads of people ask me that as well next one lauren oh god i've been pissing myself this morning listening to the banjo episode of you saying that you want to be hospitalized for attention let's not talk about that again i get you girl when i was a kid and we were on a family holiday i'd sink to the bottom of the pool and stay there for as long as possible and then i'd come up and kick off that my mum and dad didn't come to rescue me as i drowned then it'd been a foul mood at the meal that night that no one cared if i drowned that is such a kid i bet you did that i think that's her type of thing yes i used to do things like that um and then she says happy friday did you used to what i used to

do was run away from home so i'd write my mum a letter yeah about like how shit my nine-year-old life probably wasn't or something and then what i'd do is i'd um i'd slam the front door but then i'd tiptoe back upstairs and hide in like my wardrobe or something all day and literally i'd hear my mom was like she's gone away again she's gone and then when i'd hear them panicking they probably got to the point where they knew you were in the cupboard so they were just like they were like oh my god she's gone and they're thinking about a few hours of this open the wine you know I once I wanted to have

like a rage so if my mum had really annoyed me I wanted to have a rage and like you'll get all my stuff and throw it off my things

but I was too scared so what I did so you know like you have your little vanity unit when you're a little girl with all your stuff

and all your wardrobes and things on them I took everything off one by one and popped it on the floor neatly and I thought she'd think

when she came in that in a rage I had thrown my things everywhere and I just took every single thing off And when she came, she was like, why have you put everything on the floor?

That's very odd. I know, a bit odd. Yeah, I'm glad I'm not the only one that would quite like to be hospitalised, not for something too bad, but just for... Like, I'd love James to come and be like, oh, my God, darling, and hold my hand, and I'd be like, I'm all right.

I'd be on loads of painkillers. More like a car accident or something. No, not as bad as that. More like... Not James, not such a lot as you. More like... Horse. No, not horse, Seth.

It's internal bleeding. No. More like... Horse. Maybe I'm a bit unwell, they can't find out what and then I have loads of painkillers

so I'm like off my tits in the hospital like really and everyone's coming to check on me and he's holding my hand and there's a bit of touch and go

but I'm fine right okay you've really thought about this far too much we're moving on that's why I like the idea it's just a bit

no so that's why I like being pregnant and I like the idea of giving birth because everyone's like oh my god how is she like and then your partner's like

oh please don't please be okay so you wouldn't have a c-section again so i don't think i'm the only one in thinking this a v-back i love the drama of a birth no i love that when are you gonna go into labor where are your waters gonna be oh my god lauren's in labor james i know you're at work but oh i'm in labor everyone i love the drama the excitement you all get there everyone's texting how many centimeters i love the drama of birth and then i don't like your fanny splitting open but i like the drama a c-section is boring we

all know what time you're going in enjoy good luck having the baby oh ashley's had the baby yeah we already knew boring do you know what i mean i like that lauren's in labor the baby's coming when's it gonna come no i'm not i am telling you now i will not be the only woman that thinks this so that's why i don't want a planned section i want to experience a vaginal delivery however then i think about it i think why would i rip pussy out yeah and then i think why would i rip my fanny to shreds when i don't need to i've already had a section have another And last time, I nearly ripped my fanny to shreds and then I ended up having a C-section on top of it

after 14 hours of labour. What a waste. Silly. Really silly. Don't forget, girls, you can all request an elective C-section. Yeah, do what you want. If I want an elective one, I'll request one.

You have the right. And you have, you know, people that can go and give birth and... My friend can do it in 20 minutes. It's amazing. Literally like a poo. Amazing. Squeezes it out, plop, done.

Wow. Doesn't even rip. Bucket. Bucket. Look at this picture, Lauren. It's an old man with a little jack Russell on a mobility scooter holding a bar stool. And now this person wants to know if it's a joke.

The message says, I just want to let you guys know that I am traumatised from the pod episode with the chair leg. I've just seen this and now I'm thinking if this is the guy with the chair. This is an innocent old man on a mobility scooter, but he has a stool on his knee, so he's taking it somewhere.

That looks like a bummer bull chair. Yeah, it does. That is exactly what I imagine he bummed himself with. So now, we have traumatised our listeners so much that they have just seen an old man going down the road and started thinking, is he going to put that chair in his arsehole? That's what we've done to people.

We've fucked people up. We've fucked them. Not as fucked as the person who did it. Imagine being his girlfriend. He's out there. He's amongst us. He's amongst us. Actually, the girl needs to maybe,

he needs to be on a register. A fucking, what's it called? Furniture abuse. He thought he could go to Ikea. picture of him in ikea walking around with a massive hard a gaping arsehole all the aisles sitting on all the chairs and then he could eat his meatballs at the end oh god oh fucking love ikea meatballs okay now we've got some eggs hey wait my story this is really embarrassing and i've been meaning to tell you so i was at work and there was as you know i do

lip blush so i was in in the salon and there was um a client waiting for me in reception honestly i'm so embarrassed yeah so next to the next and if she's listening she's gonna know and so in reception just to the right there's the toilet i went in the toilet i did a week i had no idea sometimes one just seeps out i had no idea the trump was coming it actually came as i went to wipe i farted on myself i actually went to wipe and something so and it literally went like that and my face went like this and she was there

and I just I froze and did you have to sit with her I had to come out into reception in front of her there was no other way round what's her name

what's her name I don't know I can't remember and I froze literally froze like this on the toilet what am I going to do what am I going to do

have you ever done that at a boys house as well your fear have you ever been cuddled up with a boy with no clothes on after sex and the air is a bit wet

from like bits and bats and if Trump slips through and you just fall on your sleeve and then you go and you wake up and you think

did he hear me did he not yeah that's awful but one of my friends taught me this trick and you get tissue and cover your bum hole with it

when you know when you need to squeeze to wee oh yeah that's true and then you trump oh yeah I do that you trump into the tissue it's like a silence

yeah it's like a silence it works girls you can you can literally put it on your bum hole and go rip and it'll be like

yeah it's true the fart just is absorbed no that is true so girls there you go you will never ever fart in front of

a boy again I didn't know the fart was coming and then I had to go back out into reception but actually what happened is one of my colleagues came in and she went

why are you hiding in the toilet I was like I've just farted I have two farts that have haunted me I have I have fucking

No childhood memory Apart from this one story My mum's like All the years of things I did for you All the trips I took you on Is this all you can remember? Right, literally I had an 11 plus tutor

And I was stood I needed to poo I hated pooing at school I used to go straight to the tutor's house And I couldn't poo at the tutor's house I'm doing this 11-pussing Anyway Then I'm at the front door

And I'm like Mum We're going home My mum comes in She's talking to Chatting Mr. Nolan The old man

And all three of us Are stood In the doorway Of his house And all of us Boom The loudest most inappropriate thing

and then I stood there and blessed both of their souls I would have pissed myself both of them completely I stood there with my kickers on and I started going like this

as if you'd done it as if started kicking them as if I'd farted come out of nowhere I get in the car with my mum and she went

Jesus Christ actually I was like I don't care about grammar school I don't care about the 11th grade I'm never going back

to Mr. Nolan's house ever again I've got a stomach ache and the second one oh my god girl what's the second one was absolutely horrific

the second one I've got a bad fart actually come on second one was um i was in barcelona staying at the w hotel nice and i had a suite and i was with ed and um this was like literally we'd only been together for a few months again like 10 years ago it still haunts me and in these fancy hotels there is no privacy so i just needed a poo all holiday

obviously hadn't managed to do our hotel lobby trick just yet haven't managed to sneak off and then when you need a poo that much the poo goes back in then yeah and yeah anyway um i was like i did this fart and i thought fuck and he heard he heard it and he ran into the room and he went you just farted and i was like and i went bright red and he was like sniffing my bum every it was like you i've got you because for ages he was like do it you and he was like i've got you and that's it that is the one time in literally years that i've ever ed has ever heard my arsehole make a noise what what's your fart story when i was oh it's really who listens to this podcast when i was um having sex with a boyfriend and we were doing sort of like a city

up sex what like a chair stool no and um we sort of so we were quite close to each other like a sitting up you know like you were sitting on him and he was sat up right and he kind of was looking down at what doesn't sound very comfortable well it wasn't he was kind of looking down at what was going on down there why did they and a trump fell out of my ass literally and you know the first thing i said i just went that was my vagina so that he didn't think and then it smelled it was honestly and the first thing i said was that was my vagina so that you think it was a and it wasn't and i can remember that this is dick coo limp no dirty bastard it was about six years ago that and that haunts me and i once pooed myself um and again a childhood memory i

were seven we were all in the car and i lived i used to live in georgia um don't ever mention that um and we lived in georgia and we were in the car and we i don't know why when these little old cars my mum was there and then two of my dad's work colleagues were next to me and i thought i was doing a trump and i shat in the car and we had a long car journey and we were all like sardines and i thought it was a trump and then i thought god that still smells so i just went like that and put my hand there and i pooed and i had to tell them in the car i've pooed myself and they were so nice they were like

I remember one of them being like don't worry Lauren it happens to us all and they were trying to make me feel better and then one of the business men

was saying to the other one I bet you've pooed yourself before haven't you and he's like all the time and they were quite posh they were in suits

and they were like absolutely David all the time I often poo myself don't you worry they were lovely and they made me think it was like quite normal

I had to go home and my mum had to shower me down and I remember that and I was like seven they're the two that I remember does anybody else

have any farts that they remember and the fart that I just did at work i won't forget that right literally rip rode through reception it was like someone put it was like someone was putting some um no the one that i did at work it was like somebody was drilling a hole to put a photo frame up i felt her nearly came out and went those builders honestly it was awful if she listens to this i know you heard it i know you did why do builders

always do the worst poos in your toilet so i know someone who used to use the same builder and i I think it's build a vagina. And they used to call him Shitting Dave. Because he has a shit. Because whenever he came round, he had a shit at the house. And apparently he does it to everyone. Maybe he just shits a lot. Maybe he's got reversed.

Maybe he doesn't like doing it in front of his missus. Ah, so he shits at work. We say sometimes you shit at work because you don't do it in front of your boyfriend. That is his work. So yeah, that's Shitting Dave. Do you poo at work? Poo wherever I want. If I need a poo, I need a poo.

Are you funny, Lucas? James takes all his clothes off to do a poo. Ed doesn't. He has a full-on shower afterwards. A naked poo. and like it sits and makes it a thing yeah he likes to

take his clothes off sit like sits on his phone like he takes the time but did you know he said like a moment of his day guys

when you do a poo you're meant to put your feet on a stool and it does make it come out yeah so basically did Amy tell you this I watched a tiktok

on it basically we've talked about piles before but literally everyone is suffering with piles because

the way in which we have a poo you're not right now guys but you might in future it's true it says the way in which we have a poo is so unnatural to our it doesn't fall down that way and we should never ever be pooing like that so basically what this new thing your legs should be higher than your bottom soon toilets are going to come with one of these things your legs should literally be elevated when you're so if your child has a

little step or you have a potty or something honestly sometimes when i can't poo i put my feet up because if you think move yeah and you know if you um like if you think about back in the day back to when we were prime or whatever you're doing poo in a hole we would squat yeah now when you squat your legs are higher than your bottom yeah so it's almost a sitting like it's like that um did that yeah i told you a story about when my dad squatted and slipped in his own poo yeah the white linen suit yeah so everyone needs a poo stool you don't know that story there's lots of stories you don't know because it was from the season before you um okay we really digressed any who

hi girls love the pod I've got a really weird ick I've been chatting to this guy and we talked about what we have for

Christmas dinner wow that's so dry what an awful chat he said his dessert was trifle I hate him now I don't fancy him anymore

and it's all because I think trifle is repulsive and for old people yeah it is I agree trifle do you know

some people eat him trifle reminds me of old ladies in a home yeah it's like isn't it like trifle's like

got sponge and then cream it's quite nice but yeah I agree that's an icky thing he shouldn't have told her that

he should have said that's even more icky he should have said cheese and biscuits I go out on Christmas day normally and the food's always shit is it

yeah everywhere you go on Christmas day it's known for it are you actually coming to my house on Christmas evening absolutely

with all the kids fuck's sake you shouldn't have invited me so Ash sent me a text she was like it's a really nice little thing saying

canapes, drinks and Santa at mine I was like well I would come but I've got all the kids so there's four of us and she I thought she was

going to reply and be like ah fair enough and she was like bring them so I was like okay then I will free trip out

four kids food and drink and Santa all free would have cost hundreds and reindeers that would have cost me

over a hundred pounds A snow machine, hopefully. We need to sort out what we... That would have cost me over £100, so you've saved us a lot of money there. Yes, I will absolutely be attending. I'll probably get pissed. And I'll probably sit on Santa's knee.

We both will. Right, okay. So, the next ick. What gives me the ick? Well, to be honest, at the moment, everything. I feel you, girl. However, specifically, men and fish.

Men who pose with fish. Oh, wow. Men who spend their weekend fishing. men whose profile picture is just a bloody fish just like what the fuck right what is that on dating apps why do they all is it like a jokey thing no first of all where are you looking for these men what dating when i was on hinge there was serious loads of men posing with a fish what age range have you got your hinge set to well i can't remember because i just find that really weird yeah i know facebook pictures like weird men do it but my friends whose partners

go fishing as stoners and i think that they use getting stoned as an excuse to go fishing i did i think fishing's weird i agree i used to go fishing with my dad and i absolutely loved it did you get stoned no all right he probably did he probably um no i find fishing weird i don't like it and i think it's a bit very very putic i think it's quite barbaric catch it make it scared to death and then let it back out again yeah but i don't torture it i eat tuna tuna tuna is so unethical read about tuna i buy this specific tuna i'll send you a picture of it yes it is and i also eat cheese strings you can't buy john west tuna i buy what i want and i wear what i want i will i will eat john west tuna with my valencia lauren stop if i wanted to is my point

i don't agree with anything they're doing i think it's fucking disgusting but i will not be told whether i wear a garment or not right oh oh oh what this is a good one juicy dilemma of the week dilemma of the week right this is juicy i found out that my man sent a dick pic to a mutual friend years before we started dating hold up i'm fine it was a male mutual friend yeah her boyfriend sent yeah oh i confronted him and he says it was an experimental point in his life we don't speak much more about it at the time i reassured him because in this day who should be judged on their past good right this is yeah this is playing on her mind so she goes on to say i'm not homophobic but i am insecure understandable for fuck's sake for this can just about cope with

thinking he's doing the most with other girls now do i have to worry about men that's the thing with bisexual people you've got to worry about both fucking sex exactly so he says i should just trust that he's monogamous either way so that means sticks to one partner doesn't it i just can't help but feel like a dickhead sad face p.s we are perfect compatible want the same things we have really good sex he's in love with me bad but this whole thing makes me feel really uneasy am i wrong for feeling this way no i i'd have to yeah i'd have to delve deeper into this i think i'd have to break up with him i'm sorry what yeah i would no actually do you know what baby you can't forget like that he needs to discover himself first but maybe that's what he was doing that's what she's

saying my mate at school when i came i was terrified of coming out to him he's like oh i sucked a guy's dick at uni but it wasn't for me and it's never ever since fuck off yeah i was terrified of telling you i was like oh god this is really difficult actually and i'd like to say all the right things and i'd like to say it was in his past he was finding himself he's told you who he is now he's monogamous it doesn't matter but deep down if i'm honest i would really struggle with this and i don't know i'm gonna be honest i don't know what i'm struggling with i think it's i think it's the fact that our we want to put people in a box naturally and we want to be like are you into men or not

do you know what I mean we want to put people in a box and we want to know and the fact that he's done that if you've never been experimental before

you might not understand how can you send a dick pic to a guy I'd feel a bit of a way because also I'd feel a bit embarrassed that the mutual friend

would be like yeah but it's in the past I know I know I know I'm just yeah I know

I know I know what you mean but do you know what I think would be really good for them to go to talk to someone I don't know what she's going to think

I thought you were going to say to go to a swingers club and I thought she was going to say go somewhere and just shag everyone and see go and talk to someone yeah okay

like literally just a therapist say book like or a counsellor like three sessions where you can tell your side of the story he tells his

and you have a mutual person you don't think it's a big deal at all do you you don't think she's done anything wrong I get why she's concerned but she

if you read the bit above where she's like everything's perfect yeah he's in love with me bad yeah like you should trust him trust him yeah yeah and really let's think about this let's break this down all he's done is sent

a dick pic years ago before she got with him jesus my nudes are probably circulating the fucking country right now like that we all do it back in the day there's years worth of course so actually she's angry because he once sent a dick pic the anger is because it was a man that she it was sent to so she's questioning his sexuality although what he's saying is it doesn't matter what my sexuality is because I'm monogamous monogamous monogamous

monogamous and I'm in love with you but I still get it I can't help I get it she needs to talk to him more this isn't going to go away if she's writing into us

it isn't going away she needs to sit down and say I know this is uncomfortable for you but you have to understand that this is bothering me and I'm you know I don't want you to ever think

that I don't trust you but I need help understanding this I need to know like I think maybe if she said that if we were to split up would you consider a relationship

with a man or are you 100% straight because I need to know who I'm fucking watching here. I need to know whose DMs I'm checking. Male and female or just the females.

When I'm on your phone I need to check what I'm looking for. So yeah, I think another conversation has to be had here unfortunately and I feel sorry for him,

you know, because he's done nothing wrong. This was years ago but it is what it is. It is what it is, baby. Right, sex toy advice. I don't use any,

I can't help. I... Oh, you've got a repertoire. Okay, this bonus episode isn't even over and I've had to stop what I'm doing in the gym

laughing at Lucas fuming that we don't care about mail road safety that episode when we were like cross the road don't look and you're like what because we're a man we have to get hit by a car yes you get hit by a fucking lorry you man do you know what actually do you know the

topless guy that was at our brunch he said I've heard that the pod bashes men a bit and I was like no it's a joke and when we told him that he was like oh yeah that's fine do you remember that or were you too pissed oh yeah he did say that no it's a joke and then he laughed then he got it then he was like oh I was like no no it's talking Who told him that, by the way?

I don't know. He walked in, come on, come on, get your top off. You've got to sit in a room with all these girls that hate men. Well, he still turned up, didn't he? He must have needed the dollar. Anyway. Thanks for that, Steph, by the way. My main question that you just touched on.

How do we make ourselves orgasm with our toys where it's not over in 10 seconds? I'm sick of it. 10 to 30 seconds, job done. Well, you've got control over that. If any listeners can tell us how we achieve that gorgeous climax we get with a partner then that would be

I prefer it on my own then that would be absolutely fucking appreciated right wait mate you definitely used to shag pillows when you were little oh god yeah

oh I will have done I can't remember but I bet I did that was weird right so what she's saying is when she uses whatever she's using she comes dead quick

like 10 to 30 seconds the plug in and she wants to know how to keep making we've got to have some self-control darling yeah you've got to

have some control sweetheart Right, my advice is... Oh, this is going to make me cringe. You're making me cringe. I can't even look at you. She's got herself all like... Put some lingerie on. No, I'm not even joking.

Oh, no, you're making me feel really weird. Put some candles on. I can't look at her. Have a bath. Put some sexy knickers on. She's making me feel really uncomfortable because I want to leave. I can't even look at her. Take some pictures of yourself with your sexy knickers on to get yourself hyped.

And then watch a bit of porn and just slow down. What? Have you never done this? You make me cringe so bad. Really? Yeah. Why? No, I haven't ran myself a bath

and looked at my genitals in the mirror slowly. Then look at your genitals, take some pictures of your vagina. No, I haven't. Who's got time? You've got so much. Put your Christmas tree up instead of having a bath and looking at your vagina.

Put your Christmas tree up, you fanny. I can't listen to you do that anymore. There's a girl on TikTok, right? and she is absolutely tiny and she's a porn star I think she's from Ireland she's about 19

and she puts you know those Glade air fresheners a full one of them in her vagina I wonder where it goes fully goes in she could like

spray it's like a mouth spray she could open her mouth and be like I don't know because it's like why does she do that just because

her thing is putting these big objects inside herself if she gets paid for it sounds easier than our job to be honest anyway we've not answered the question okay slow it down don't don't be such a man just slow it down like stop for a bit i don't know i'm gonna come and then when she says the gorgeous climax we get with a partner is that because it takes long actually i

find that frustrating yes let me do it do you know what i mean i don't know um yeah just take well obviously sex with the toy is never gonna be the same as no and that's why you need to still have sex with your partner maybe or if you haven't got one maybe buy a sex doll because then it will feel more real can you get male sex dolls she's using as well i've got an idea i've got an idea i don't know what toy she's using but what she could use is something a clitoral stimulant and also a dildo so she could do a little bit of dildoing as if she's having sex and then i used to back up on it i wasn't on my own when i did it No, that's well weirder than wanking yourself off with your lingerie on.

I didn't do it on my own. I did it with a partner. I'm literally imagining you backing up onto it. Sorry, reversing. Loss of reversing. It's hard to get it in the right place. You miss sometimes. Was it a bit floppy?

Slightly. Shit, it's got me arsed. Oops! And then we put it on the drawers, didn't we, at work? and we used it as a handle and used to pull the filing cabinet out of the dick

I used to grab the dick and pull out the files that was at Maya some funny stories there anyway all I can say yeah use your dildo a bit and then something else

like up and as if you're having sex do different things in and out and then clitoral yeah that 15 second one or just be the clit buzz

and it's a different type isn't it so do a mixture yeah enjoy I really want to get a sex therapist on and I've got one in mind

I really like her and I now again the brunch is done because that took a lot of planning one of the things i want to do is get her on maybe once every if she will every six weeks and she just answers listeners sex therapy questions from a professional not from me who backs up on a dildo yeah remember guys on nip tuck we want you to get your voice heard you can email us hello at nip tuck pod.com you can also get in touch via whatsapp that means voice notes too which we can play out in future episodes don't worry though if you prefer to remain anonymous we will never reveal who you are so that's it from

us today have a lovely weekend i hope if you were in a foul mood then you're in a little bit of a better mood now fart story from some fart stories they're great aren't they yeah they are really and i think fart noises are really funny wait we've got one Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!