Nip Tuck - Bonus Babes: Getting Jiggy In The Garden

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

Girls, we are back for another weekly dose of Nip Tuck with our Bonus episode. This is all about you and your issues, because we are here to help! Even if you do like doing the dirty in the garden with your neighbours watching.You can send us a DM, we’re on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Come on, it's your turn. Spice it up a bit. If you know it feels weird when you're saying it first, it just doesn't sound right. They're expecting you, like, hello and welcome, and I come like, hello and welcome to Nip Tuck. No, you do it. All right, then. Hello and welcome to Nip Tuck and Not Giving a... Fuck. Bonus, baby.

Bonus, baby. Boner edition. This is the podcast where we celebrate being positive, aspirational women. I always laugh whenever you say that bit. Why? Don't know. Okay, so this is all about being unapologetically yourself. Lauren, how are you?

I am sad a bit. Sad a bit? I'm sad a bit. It's Thea starting school time. She started school. It's really sad. That's sad. Do you not think?

Yeah. I find it really, like, I only gave birth yesterday, and then she's, like, gone. How have we got kids, though? honestly it blows my fucking mind and i spent but you're really happy with the school she's going to yeah yeah and i know she will be amazing wherever she goes she's got a lot of friends there yeah she's fine it's me like it's it frightens me how time can go that quick and how i'm never going to get that five four or five years back but you've been amazing so she's been by my side the whole

time and now she's like gone and let me tell you something it's not just the fact that i'm going which obviously i am it's the fact that i feel like i don't like change and now my entire life routine that i've had for four years that has worked really nicely has been flipped upside down so nursery eight till six what the fuck i can just do my jobs at home and drop off when i'm ready now till three what's that 8 30 till three mine is she in um is she in after school club no so the good thing with mine you can ring and be like can i keep her in so when i've been like time i think six so when i've been like shopping and i'm having a good time in san carlo i can be like yeah keep her another couple of hours what you just pay by the hour yeah you just let them know

when you're ready so when you need to which is perfect for me because like if we're recording it rolls on i can just ring up and be like put her in after school club today so that's really good but it's like i won't remember to do that i'm scared i'm gonna forget to pick her up mine the school where mine are going the after school club isn't on site which probably because Because they have to go and fucking ride ponies somewhere. No, they have to go on a bus to go to the... Oh, a bus? After school.

They do not go on a horse and carriage. No, after school club time. Everybody in the horse and carriage. They get in the private jet. Yeah, that's weird. No, they just keep her. But I just think the whole thing has really like... Is it called side swipe?

Side swipe me. And I just don't feel ready. And I feel a bit like, oh, I'm going to forget to take her. Have you ever forgot to pick your kid up from nursery? Never. that once happened to me did it wow so me and my mom had had a conversation and you know as they get older they're a bit like and i was having an operation it actually wasn't a cosmetic surgery on the next day um and i'd said to my mom mom my admission time's like really really early but she

mustn't have been listening to me she's getting old can you mind would you mind picking her up so she was like yeah yeah yeah she's a my darling you go you go of course darling darling darling Yes, darling, darling, darling. And it's not my mum's fault. No. It's probably mine for not confirming. Anyway, 20 past six. Hi.

Oh, my God. And Saskia sat there, little tears dropping down her face. I went to get her. She was sat playing with a guinea pig. Mum! Really angry with this guinea pig. Where have you been? Squeezing the guinea pig.

Yeah, and I was like, I'm so sorry. No, no, no. I cried for like three days. I was like, this is not okay. yeah that's what I'm scared of I'm scared I'm going to forget it I'm scared I'm going to be late in the morning the whole thing is just not ideal for me

I always hear about people forgetting that their kids are in the car when you get to the point of three kids I think it's really easy to leave the middle child somewhere because middle child's like middle child bless them it's just like

the first one is like the apple of everyone's eye because it's the first child it's amazing the last one is like this is the last one we're ever going to have and let's enjoy every moment And the middle one's just like an accident usually, isn't it? And the middle one I've heard, like, my friends have been like,

I got the nursery days mixed up. I was walking around Sainsbury's, so I thought, I've left it in the bouncer at home. I've left it in the bouncer. Yeah, the middle child, it's a shit job, that, isn't it? You're the older one, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah, so I would say that's the best one.

I think the first one is most loved. No? Hmm, no. i'm expected to fend for myself when we went to a beater on the way home we were all talking in couples about like they've all got two kids now most of my friends so i was like right come on who are you looking forward to seeing the most and everyone's like oh god no no i couldn't say and then straight away they were all like and saying which one they were and then the other couple was looking at the other one like what you can't pick anyway the other one's better

it's so funny they were like saying names and then the next so then the next family got a bit confident and they were like yeah definitely he's a prick we're definitely looking forward seeing the girl but yeah I do believe there's a slight favouritism mine are favourites

on different days yeah depending who's annoying you the most yeah that's the thing that I'm scared of if I was to have

another one I do have that fear that I would not love it as much I think that's real isn't it even if you don't can't put it back in

can you and also Thea's so pretty what if I have a main girl what if I have a really awful one and then everyone's

for the rest of its life like oh remember Thea and then they look in the prom to see mine oh Thea's gorgeous let's have a look at your new one remember how gorgeous

Thea was and they're looking it's like imagine oh it's old you really don't want a boy either do you no my boyfriend's

got children so I'm getting used to kind of boy side of things why has he got a boy he's got two boys and a girl what does he prefer

oh my god we can't Mike drop no we can't he's fine Mike drop he said that they're just totally different

he said the same as me they're different in different ways so i'm getting used to boys but i have to be honest my heart lies with girls we'll discuss the children thing another time like the boys boys like when they're a baby like it's weird like he loved them so much because i've heard that boys are more loving and girls could like and like he's like he he mummy where she would have been like i don't know if i had like the other day she was like mummy i want lip gloss on like you and i was like oh my god this is so cute

yeah okay so last episode we spoke about topless sunbathing in the garden which lauren does which i do and i will i'll get them out now like i'm not arsed they're mine um and i will continue to do so but quite a lot of people because i did say please let us know your opinion on this quite a lot of people wrote in and told us their opinion on this i'm just reading you guys are fucking mental so i'm gonna tell you what they said all in favor of me so hi girls love the podcast thank you me too i just want to write in response to a discussion of sunbathing topless in the garden i sunbathe topless in my garden all the time and we are overlooked i agree with lauren of course you do and feel that i should be able to do what i want in my own garden and my private

property if anyone has a problem they can look away exactly but they don't do they eyes on the prize also what's so wrong with exposing the female body yes i agree with free that fucking nipple also um love what you do keep going thank you i'm not going to say the name in case they don't want it said although they're happy to get the tits out in the garden so they probably don't mind me saying the name thanks alice i don't think she minds right okay next one hey girls in response to your having sex in the garden i have had sex in my back garden and it's your private garden and a neighbor has no right i'd invited a guy around from grinder and we were having the best sex next minute the neighbor shouted over the fence to keep the noise down

I told her, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh my God. Imagine like not losing your boner off that. No, but he, it depends who, maybe, oh yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Nobody lost the boner anyway. So then this guy also went on to tell us what his ick is, which is the way that dates can't kiss and they kiss you like a washing machine.

We've all had that, haven't we? Yes, absolutely. It's like when you kiss someone for the first time. Yeah. I mean, we all like a bit of tongue action, but I do not want my face washed when we are kissing. Do you know, honestly, I've had like dates with like the hottest people and then you kiss them and it just doesn't work.

You're like, no. I think kissing is a very personal thing and everyone's different. Now, some different people kiss different. Sometimes it's all right. I just think it has to kind of match up. No, me and Ed sometimes, when each other's annoying, the other one, we do this for her. We'll go like, give me a kiss.

And then we do like a fake snog. Oh, right. Because when you've been together that long, you don't snog anymore, do you? I don't know. And then we start laughing. I'm still snogging loads. Yeah, you're snogging.

I'm like literally like... But then you will, one day you will stop snogging and it'll feel weird when someone snogs you. Do you snog when you're having sex? Sometimes, yeah. To start off, like in the starting off point. But I would never just have a snog. You wouldn't just snog.

Do you do that? Yeah, I've only been with him for like, I'm not saying how long, but quite a bit, but not. I've been with him like, yeah, and we're still snogging. Do you look at each other when you snog? We look at each other when we do it, when we bonk. Do you do that? Yeah. No, like in the eye, like rabid, like a rabid dog.

Anyway. Anyway, he wants advice on shit kissing. Right, okay, babe, this is where I'm good at the advice stuff. Right. Men are like puppies, okay? Little baby puppies. and you have to teach them

train them train them in your way otherwise they will just be Duracell bunny yeah and they will poo on the carpet

they poo on the carpet lick your mouth out like all that like a dog they are they get like over excited little puppies

with a little lipstick bonus slow down puppy so I'd just be like I love it when you kiss me but not like that what yeah don't fucking say that

to him he's gonna get fucking dumped ignore her no no oh you go slow down what do you do so what you do is you say we're gonna play a game i always think here's a shit sandwich we're gonna play a game you don't kiss i'm gonna kiss you it's quite sexy me and me and i don't want to say all this and then you kiss them and they're not allowed to kiss you it's really sexy really sexy and it might just teach him how it's what like you're a stripper and they're sat in the chair yeah well if you want to why see you always make things

into fucking outfits and strippers I just meant in general like and you can you kiss them like and then they cut and they say you don't kiss back

you don't kiss back and they might and then they may learn from that but then what is the other way around well I don't know then maybe I don't know

I just think over time if you don't shove your tongue right back inside then they'll kind of realise that it's all one sided and also the tongue

will calm down right well the excitement should calm down eventually if ashley's right eventually you won't be snogging anyway so just leave it if he's a good person or say you wear face coverings and try to kiss him with a mask on no just say you're not allowed so as you know we love our ex like literally love them now i did a little bit of research for you girls um about i felt like it was being a bit unfair a lot of my guy friends were commenting

on some of our videos like this is unfair all you do is fucking slag men off yeah i think we get a lot of that yeah so i thought right okay let's switch it round and let's get the men to tell us what they hate about what we do and i also thought we could learn from this so girls i've done my research for you so this is one of my mates um i knew as soon as i went to him he would tell me exactly what he thought you probably some people will recognize the voice because it's so fucking what's the word recognizable but he he's amazing and he said i can share it so girls listen to this yeah blowjobs like if it's dry do you know what i mean some of these girls dry you want a sloppy one that's what you want and not only that when they when they

wank you off as well you're like i don't want to be wanked off do you know what i mean like suck the dick suck the soul out of it that's what you want if i wanted to be wanked off i'd watch palm and wipe myself off and i'd be done quicker you know what i mean i love him right right first of all can i just say in a woman's defense which is what we're here for so i'm gonna when you've been on a night out trying to get that yeah and you're going like this and you're literally going like this and you're trying to get any water you can and you can't and it's no that's why you need a drink next to the bed and then you go like and then also do you know that sometimes

I've never done this obviously not but I've heard yeah it's quite good to put the water in your mouth and then like

choke on it a bit like be sick a bit vomit yeah they like it when you choke because they think oh my god

look at my massive dick she can't even take it she's chugging yeah but yeah I agree with them but you've got to understand guys

sometimes you are dry mouthed after a night out so water by the side of the bed is good I agree with the wanking off completely

I fucking hate wanking off no i hate it what do you think lucas oh so we've just been told that a blow job with an ice cube in your mouth is amazing do you move around oh my god i don't think my brain's that clever i can't do two things at once so um yeah the wanking off i totally agree i think it's pointless why would you wank someone off who can wank themselves off perfectly fine but some of my friends prefer doing that they're like you know like if they really hate their husband or partner they go like i'm really sorry i'm on my period and then they'll go i'm really sorry my my jaw is locked oh fuck

best use my hand today no i i don't like it and i get it i can't imagine how you could be as good as they are themselves so if that was me i just like you're not doing it right give it here give me the fucking dick i'll do it so yeah i agree with him on that and there's a little tip for you ladies there moist and no more wanking okay guys so i have got a little dilemma here you have or someone has sent one in are you going to do the song or what ask me nicer and I fucking might

song now bitch dilemma of a week dilemma of a week loads of people message me saying that they really like it okay so this is from anonymous I'm obsessed with your podcast thank you

it's so cute when people say that okay I've got a dilemma for one of your next episodes I've been with my boyfriend for five years. I've always felt inadequate in terms of our relationship. I'm from the Wirral. It's a nice part of Liverpool. See, we fucking like the Scouts. And he's from Cheshire.

There's so many differences between us. It's like me and Ashley, isn't it? He has a really rich family and I come from what feels like the ghetto. It's always really bothered me. It's terrible, but I always compare my own family and his family. And I'm worried that one day when they finally meet, they'll think that we're really rough don't this is making me dad this is such a normal thing on the grand scheme of things we actually aren't rough we live in a really nice area and they

have my parents have good jobs yeah they're just normal yeah we can afford nice things however compared to him on another level yeah exactly oh no and then you feel awful don't you because you feel like you're you're ashamed of your own family then you get the guilt oh i don't know why it gets to me because our relationship is amazing but i just can't help think about it i'm wondering this comes up a lot right this is so sad i've totally been in this situation before okay right ashley you to act to be fair i i have put some the other way so i've been the one many a time that when my family don't get me wrong aren't that level a nice you know normal

and then I've been with a real fucking scally where the family are rough as fuck but your mum and dad wouldn't even care well my dad's not here

oh god why do you say that Jesus Ashley told you my dad's dead your mum wouldn't care my mum wouldn't but she would still if someone was like

yeah fucking fucking she would be a bit like you know do you know if they were in a pub and they were like fucking get me out

she would be like oh god so she is and there has been times where I have thought that's why I've been the other side yeah

i remember when i was like a lot younger um and i was going out with someone who was like that and it was just like oh we don't care who you are kind of thing and um i used to get even worried like about the clothes i would wear in case you were getting judged like yeah i just never felt comfortable or myself yeah but i feel like going through stuff like that is only a good thing for you in the future because you start to realize that materialistic things like that don't actually matter and also if they don't like you for who you are you sound like a really really nice genuine girl and it sounds like you're in a great relationship if they don't like you for who you are fuck them fuck their family fuck them fuck the fucking ponies fuck the private gym fucking

fuck them up the fucking ass that was my input there yeah i totally agree i think do you i think maybe i don't know if you have already maybe you could speak to your boyfriend about it so he knows how you feel only she sounds like a sensible girl that has yeah just so that he knows how you're feeling so he can help with it yeah and i think five years is a long time it's working for you both so yeah just maybe do we just take the bull by the horns and get the meeting out the way do it informal meeting so i would say when you do meet christmas is always not but not like a sit down meal because i feel like that can be quite formal where you all have to make conversation maybe something really loose like you go on you every time i say loose i feel like laughing

something really loose and something where you're not there's no pressure perhaps you're Nipping in for a little bit. What? On the fucking carousel. I'll look at each other. You're a squirrelly day out. You're not. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I know. I'm just saying, something where you were popping in and you just seen them. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is weird that they've not actually met for five years.

Because five years is so long. Yeah, but what? What things would they meet at? Yeah, they both live in different areas. Exactly. It wouldn't necessarily happen. Do you know what is always a good one?

Taking your mums out on Mother's Day together. Yeah. Just do something. But again, don't make it too formal. No, maybe like cocktails or something. Even if it's just her. Just her and the mums.

So that's one of the things that you can do is separate the family from each other so they're not in like a, like you're saying, they're not in a group. And then they can get to know each other. And don't make a huge deal about this first meeting because then everyone feels the pressure. I always like the first meeting to be a really easy

dip in, dip out, hi. And then next time it's not as embarrassing. Yeah, like you don't want to. a big fucking deal about the first meeting in a restaurant it's just awkward and it sounds like your family don't embarrass you so it's not like if it was like i've got friends whose mums and really would be embarrassing and say inappropriate like unsolicited advice like can you imagine like money is her only worry it sounds like a very very small issue compared to someone whose mum is an actual knobhead yeah i agree yeah you can't get rid of that if your mum's a knob she's a knob

you can always win the lottery exactly she could be skimped but not a knob there's a chance yeah I think it's very common once a knob

always a knob yeah give yourself I know that's me give yourself it's me give yourself a break give yourself a break

it's normal fuck em fuck em fuck em yeah okay guys I really hope you enjoyed that little episode

we are back on Wednesday with our full episode get your ick pics in get your dramas your funny stories send them all over to our instagram our email address is also on there please don't forget to subscribe and rate the show too we will be back here on wednesday yes come back and join us on wednesday i'm gonna tell you about my trip to abifa which ended in hospitalization on day fucking one