Nip Tuck - Bonus Babes: 'I Don't Crave A Limp D***!'

Episode Date: November 11, 2022

It's the bonus baby! That extra little weekly dose of Ashley & Lauren who are here for your icks, stories & dilemmas. One listener is in a rocky relationship and has a make or break decision to make and we hear how hard it's been for a woman and her new fella. The awkwardness that is, certainly not his...To get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod. Or you can email [e-mail] can send us your Icks & Dilemma's via Whatsapp! You can text or voice note the girls on [phone]Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

sweet caroline hello and welcome to nip talk not giving a fuck bonus bonus bonus i think that was good hi welcome i'll just spot on the light i'll just smack crisps onto the light i'm so sorry they're expensive as all hi everyone it is friday and this is the bonus we are so hyper i've been sat in the pub all afternoon kids are at school we've been in the pub scampi fries i bet you've never had a scampi fry in your fucking life no they're the best things ever they sting your tongue and that's salty if you had a scampi fry lucas yeah of course you have lucas likes hash brown poor lucas um yeah i had some the other day i went to a cricket club halloween party don't even ask any how did they have wine there yeah oh bearable bearable

with the with the smelly fish crisps yeah this podcast is about us celebrating being individual being normal glowing glowing i'm not that glowy you look quite glowy sweating positive stressed aspirational lovely women mothers children friends aunties sisters sisters cousins i've not got any cousins you have yeah i've got none not one i've got four so i've got no cousins my mum hasn't my dad didn't either like none we're all only children my mum my dad my grandma my granddad on both sides of me not called only children they're called lonely children oh christ good one mic drop um i'm not lonely at all anyhow what's going on what is going on what is going on um just like been a busy week and people are getting on my nerves and kids are getting on

my nerves and i'm tired i think kids are annoying yeah they are my worry is this um i don't mind young kids but when they get to sort of seven or nine yes and the teeth fall out oh weird that whole thing is weird that your teeth falls out the teeth fall out the mouth they pull the teeth out of the mouth and then they flick them back and forth and pull them out it's weird and then they just get so moody and just smelly and annoying yeah so my concern is when thea i mean she's nearly five so i reckon i've got a year or two left then what do i do is that why people have another be honest girls is that why people have another because the first one becomes cringe sasuke is at like probably the cutest age ever right now i love them from about 18 months

to about five i wouldn't agree with the 18 months oh i like it when they just start walking yeah but then when you go out in a restaurant and they don't want to sit in the high chair anymore the cute though the cute at that age i think yeah they don't talk back yeah and they do what you say you want to get them dressed you pick them up and get them dressed you don't have to say please can you get dressed please can you get dressed please can you get dressed does theodressa sal she can yeah she just doesn't she definitely can she's like you then yeah she will do whatever she can to not have to do anything really yeah and she's got a new thing now where she wants croissant for breakfast oh who doesn't i know and she wants it warming in the oven and she wants chocolate sauce so my mum

gets her a pot and fills it with nutella to dip in it honestly every morning like that child doesn't even know she's born every day she's chocolate sauce for breakfast lauren oh fuck i didn't hear it like that no sometimes she goes to her dad's and i'm sure she eats something healthy then i'm sure it's jam sometimes yes now and again it's jam we had mcdonald's three times in half term half time i just couldn't be fucking arsed just throw mcdonald's at the situation yeah anything's going wrong do you want a mackeys there we go uh but yeah i agree kids are annoying and i just don't know how long like what do you do when they get to seven or eight can you give them to someone uh do you still love your own when they're like that age i think you do you do we'll

say i'll let you know because you know i'll tell you oh my god imagine if like when she's like seven or eight she comes back home from school like and you get involved in the drama of her friends oh i'm gonna be really bad yeah i will i'll turn up at the school games susan yeah she said did what she did what she took your furby do you still have furbies do you remember furbies um do you remember diva stars what is it press the tongue um yeah i am not looking forward to all that stuff to come i think i'm gonna have another because like it's getting to the point now where she's gonna she's gonna what's the word get to expiry date with me soon yeah but can i just say being pregnant is not the one i didn't mind being pregnant let's see how you are this

time anyway anyway never enough about us this is about you the bonus edition is about you on nip tuck we want you to get your voices heard you can email us hello at nip tuck pod.com you can now also send anything you like over no nudes whatsapp no nudes anything not have we ever And a new Lucas. No. Not so far. That means voice notes too, which we can play in future episodes. So if you head over to our Instagram at niptuckpod, you will find all the ways to contact us on there.

And we've also got a very exciting competition on there because our brunch sold out. Did we mention? Sold out. In like one day. One day gone. Everyone got the girls, were there. so your last chance to get tickets is over on our instagram so we got a message we got a text yeah as you know the bonus edition i mean all of our episodes involve you in some way don't they really

um because that's what it's about and us all making each other feel better oh ashley's drinking bud light seltzer um anyway we've got a message so i thought i would let you know what it is girls your podcast gives me life i have to drive to nottingham from wales with a two and three year old every few weeks fucking hell and i couldn't do it without listening to nip tuck i thought the boys were asleep but while listening one goes mom why did that girl throw a poo out the window note to self get kids headphones for the car i agree or get yourself some i um someone messaged me saying you're not allowed to drive with headphones um it's illegal what you can't hear an ambulance coming no promise yeah i had no idea about that don't do what i just said then get

than for the kids but I had someone say that she was going through the drive-thru like I think it was Starbucks and we were playing and we were like

really rude and she said she was really embarrassed but did your mum listen yet or not she listened to the first couple

and said that I swore far too much my mum loves it and she never does she yeah she never wants to listen again

Ed doesn't listen James has stopped listening now oh when it was finally when it was early days and we just got together

he actually listened to them before we met so he knew all about me and was still interested and you still wanted to be I know that's why I know he's a keeper

so he kind of listened to them and was like yeah she's definitely the one and now we're together I guess it changes then doesn't it like it's not that funny anymore like hearing about my stories

probably isn't funny after a bit so now I don't think on your voice every day my voice every day as it is they probably hate us so no he doesn't and my mum doesn't either

and I hope she never does my mum texted me like do I need to buy my ticket now for the brunch and I was like yeah you're not allowed to come you're not coming

she's not coming no she can come meet us after but she's not coming no she's just not coming sorry mom okay next one next one hi girls loving the pod stop it you're making me blush it's keeping me sane at the minute oh that's so nice i went on a date a good few years ago it was december and we had planned to walk around the christmas market always a bad idea i think the markets are going to be amazing they're not you get there and it

is so stressful it stinks yeah it smells of sausages yeah unless you want to buy your frankfurt to masturbate with as the other girl did in our last episode to be fair if you're gonna do it with anything you do it with a market sausage i know someone that got really sick after having one of them where did she have it not which market i mean which hole anyway sorry sorry sorry so she went to the christmas markets on a date yes i met him just outside the train station walking along the jam-packed Christmas markets and he kept stopping to kiss me. I mean, like, full-on snog.

Oh, my God, I bet those people behind... I know I am a bit PDA with James, but I bet people were behind them trying to get past and they were, like, full-on stopped snogging. He also decided that he was coming back to mine to stay the night. After a while of me trying to avoid kissing him, he decided he wanted a burger cake. She's got some funny emojis.

While he was standing in the queue for the burger, I ran away I could see him walking back and forth with his tray looking imagine he's

cutting his face looking wrong like that oh no mate good for her safe to say he got blocked and I've never

seen him since I hope you both had the best week girl that was a good move good for you because do you know what sometimes you feel

the pressure and you be like okay come and stop at mine and then after you think next day you think didn't even want to

be with him didn't want to sleep with him maybe had too nice didn't want to do that right next one lozza hi girls love you both and love the podcast thank you i have a new ick i recently started seeing a guy and one morning we decided to take a shower together for the first time you raunchy bugger that's such a like new new couple new couple thing to do and he turned the shower on immediately got in and just stood there

naked waiting for the water to turn hot is it me that thinks this is really weird i always turn the shower and let it warm up before getting in i turn it on then i put my hand in and check that it's the right temperature then i get in um like would you get in if it was cold especially in the morning like yeah in winter as well and just stand there like freezing waiting for it to turn on no i probably do you know um they keep playing tricks on me um james where i will go into the shower and there's a shower and then there's a head as well do you know like a separate one and he keeps turning it to face me yeah and every time i go in and switching it so every time i'm going to turn the shower on i get sprayed in the face stop yeah do you know what i

stayed in a hotel recently and it's giving me some inspo for um when i get a new house are you gonna get a new house yes but not for ages anyway it has a ledge in it so like do you know when you're shaving your legs in the shower oh my god what a good idea so it's like a stone like so you put your leg on it or sit on it or whatever really good idea life changing and you know what ed will do what just sit in it yeah like a fat bloke he'll just sit there with the shower on like this sat on the seat for like 20 minutes in the shower you'll use it for helpful things he will just get in and sit down yeah yeah yeah yeah my friend used to do that sit in the shower okay next one hi girls loving the podcast currently going back through all the episodes oh i love that

I once had a date where the guy told me I looked way better without my glasses than on the pics that he'd seen on my Instagram. He later told me he'd been texting one of my best friends for months and then another friend of mine was obsessed with him. Needless to say, I never saw the weirdo again. Worst date ever. There's a lot of bad dates going on, isn't there? There's a lot.

Okay. Come on, Lauren. Dilemma. Dilemma of the week. dilemma of the week freak of the week that's what we should she is every week remember that i am a recently single mum of two after 16 years of being with their dad that is a long time so kids must be older i got talking to a guy at the gym and he's a similar situation to me feeling bold i asked him round after the gym and we went and had a few drinks and everything was

fine okay next day post-workout drink yeah next day we started sexting next day bloody hell we exchanged videos and pictures and he sent me a video of him knocking out and coming knocking one out wow okay that night he's at the gym oh they've got this tension and he comes back to mine we have a few drink and the sexual tension is insane between us i pulled him onto me we started making out foreplay starts and it's out of this world oh god i'm getting a bit flustered it he was so rough but also so gentle oh my god what's his name and which gym is it i orgasmed a lot what's his fucking name and i mean a lot a real squirter has this man set this up which i know from your podcast you have opinion on squirting but don't so she she did she did go

on anyway we're both butt naked having amazing foreplay and his dick is hard yeah but soon as he puts the condom on his dick went limp oh four times we tried and he couldn't hack the condom condom i didn't mean to say that and i won't risk fucking without one no bitch especially as i know he's a real player well he can learn how to do that somewhere anyway he ended up leaving and i haven't seen or heard from him since i'm not going to message him as i don't crave a limp dick i love this girl but i'm also a bit miffed do you think he's embarrassed and is this normal a floppy with a johnny any experience of a floppy with a johnny um no i actually haven't i've had experience of like floppies yeah i've had floppy experience thumbs where you've thumbed them in i've had

that experience it's normally after a night out like it's guys that like drink too much do too many times yeah yeah they tend to have floppies don't they um okay the healthier you are the harder the harder your dick is so i would say i think it's probably normal actually we could probably get some men's opinion here i wonder if i should ask you are scared no i think i should ask james so when you put a condom on you might know lucas do you get a floppy from a condom sometimes it can be a mood killer because you have to stop okay so lucas has told us we've asked him because he actually has a penis so why not ask him this that he said that apparently it can be quite common that this can happen i think it potentially cuts some form of sex is it a

circulation thing maybe if they're quite tight and it's a mood killer it's not sexy it removes the feeling from the penis the sensitivity so first of all it's not unusual um quite normal nothing you've done wrong secondly yeah i think that's why he's not messaged he's embarrassed four times because he won't he won't want her like thinking now if that was me if i was the man yeah i'd be like come around again the next day i need to prove now that i can get a stonky i wouldn't leave it like that i'd be like i've got to get this right now or at least just take a viagra and pretend yeah something i'd have to do something to say i'd get around the next date because i couldn't have people saying that but i'm not a man um so i'm interested to see what

male's opinion actually is on this one agree but also i love that she's like stood her ground on he needs to put a condom on yeah and she's not texted him afterwards he's not replied so she's fucking left it she's played this in my opinion immaculately she's pulled a blinder is that what you said you've pulled a blinder you've pulled a floppy blinder

so last night me and Ed were in piccolinos in Knutsford Knutsford's a very I'm not sure where this is going Knutsford's a really quiet like old place anyway we're there like half five having our nice Sunday dinner and this table

these three lads sits right next to us yeah word for word could hear everything about their weekend and me and hannah sat there like listen that is my favorite what they got sold off for vaping which we were laughing oh my god in piccolino's um and then just i heard just a portion of the conversation it was something like i drove all the way to fucking cumbria i lost my wallet it had three bags in it 300 quid and a photo that really meant something to me and then i took a viagra for no fucking reason and didn't get a shag what a terrible weekend what an awful weekend for that poor boy i sent that boy a drink yeah send him a drink we're so sorry that that happened to you the funny i like boys conversations they're really funny i could sit there but also

do you know what i noticed like do you know like say me and you went out for dinner it'd be like blah blah blah one conversation here one there one there one there like talking over each other and then like

even when the food comes like as soon as the food came they all went mute and the heads just went down such a man thing that is a man thing isn't it

yeah whereas we'd be like still talking yeah I like I like a man conversation and whoever that guy is I'm sorry that you didn't get laid imagine him driving home though from Cumbria

with a hard on he's lost his money he's lost everything he had in his wallet and he's driving home with his jeans stretched with this hard-on, having to get it out

so it could get some air. Porg, I'm so sorry that that happened to you. And if you're the girl in Cumbria that didn't give it at the weekend, tell us why you didn't. Why did you let him take a Viagra

and then fuck him off? Mate, I bet it was that guy in Burger King. Well, your stories today have been great. I love them. I absolutely love them. Hello.

I listen to your podcast all the time and I was really unsure as to whether I should message about my dilemma, but i don't really have many friends and i need some serious advice oh we're always here yeah we are here for this um okay me and my boyfriend have been together for five years he's lovely and i do really love him i know where this is going but i want to break up with him

so much has happened throughout our relationship he's borrowed money he's got in debt he's gone from job to job he's always goes missing every few days oh i've had one of these won't answer my calls it's just all gotten too much i also found some messages with girls on his phone we're looking at buying a house together no no sos retreat no um anyway but um i feel like if we get a house and things will be fine and we'll be happy no what should i stay with him i threaten every day to leave when he upsets me but i never do because i have some kind of emotional attachment to him i'm 24 and i feel like my life is a failure if we break up as he's genuinely the person i thought i would spend the rest of my life with right 24 oh my god you're a baby also you're

Fresh out the womb. The way that mortgages are going at the minute, if he's been in debt before then... He ain't getting one anyway, hon. Good luck with getting one. So the first thing is, don't get a house with somebody. What a silly thing.

I'm going to talk to you like your mother now. What a silly thing to do. What a very silly thing to do. To get attached to someone in a financial way that you know you probably won't be with and that also has money problems. Why would you put your credit rating

on the line for a man that gets you debt? She'll end up having to pay all the bills. I've been there. I have done this. you try and help them and that's the thing it looks to me i see this relationship from what i've read it's over oh yeah i think you it looks like you have spent your whole time trying to help him trying to help him with all his issues he's gone from job to job that probably was

stressful it's like you have been his what's the word provider and who's looking after me yeah and you're 24 who's looking after you who's treating you who's giving you the backup who's helping you with your career who's you know it feels like it's very one-sided here and if you want to do well in life with a couple you have to be 50 50 or thereabouts where you help each other yeah it doesn't look like you're getting any help yeah like one person's always going to be better at doing absolutely and then the other one does that and you support each other and it's not always 50 50 but it kind of swings and roundabouts whereas i have been until probably the current one now every relationship i've had i have been the mother so i used to look for people not even

on purpose and want to fix them so i'd see them and i'd be like oh well with a bit of this and a little tweak it's like stars what's it called where tonight matthew i'm gonna be and i'd take them backstage and i'd fix them up and then bring them out as this new character and i'd be like stars in their eyes i'd be like i'll help you i'll change you i'll do this i'll help you get your finances sorted never change your mom you can't change someone and what this is a really good quote okay fall in love with the truth not the potential that's it so i used to look at men and think okay they're not that great but they could be this they could be that now they're not and it's not your job to make them that's the truth you fall in love with what they are right

now not what they could be if you helped them makes sense babe so yeah i think you're 24 you're so young you will make a huge mistake in a house with this guy 24 is a lovely age something that's quite um serious here is that she said that she feels like he she keeps telling that she's going to leave and then doesn't that's also unfair on him that's not good for him either and she says that she feels like her life would be a failure if you are 24 no and your family will be able to see this as well babe honestly i know you're saying you've not got many friends and that might be why that you're kind of leaning to this but even i've not even discussed the fact that it was messaging girls fuck that that's not even the biggest problem here they're going missing

they're going missing there's all sorts here you are 24 you are going to ruin the best years of your life only live life once baby let him go because maybe you're not right for him either it's like pulling a plaster off yes what you're doing at the minute is pulling the plaster slowly and ripping every single one of your hairs out yeah a bit by bit and then you're sticking it back down and pulling them off again yeah yeah every time that you're going through this you're going through the same pain you're going to go through it again in a month do it once do it good be in pain and then move on so listening to this story i just think it sounds like he's got some kind of drink or drug problem with the going missing for days and not answering your calls

not being able to hold a job down pickle are you have you got to be in to have like that seems i know people you've spoken about it before they do that when they want to numb yeah i was with someone who had a really bad cocaine addiction really bad and i didn't actually realize how bad it was till we split up and this is very very similar goes missing for days goes on benders can't keep a job because obviously you need to be straight headed to keep the money thing the debt so yeah I yeah you're right there Ashley I think there is some sort of substance something is something isn't right and one of the things actually Lucas mentioned because he's part of our team as well he just said that she is constantly saying I'm gonna leave you I'm

gonna leave you and the reason he's not changing is because he's heard it that many times he knows you ain't fucking leaving so he's just gonna carry on so it's too late now you've got you've lost that respect from him now if you say to someone I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna too many times and don't the respect's gone they're never gonna respect you again so yeah we think run out run for the hills honey thank you so much for listening we've gone through quite a few dilemmas today we have i hope you enjoyed it yeah i hope you didn't if you've got any make sure that you send them in you know you can email us you know you can text us you can voice note us we do love a voice note we love a whatsapp voice note so it's friday enjoy your weekend what are you doing

um i don't know hoeing around oh hoeing hoeing in a little outfit i'm smoking and drinking prosecco are you yeah lovely