Nip Tuck - Bonus Babes: The OnlyFans Rumour

Episode Date: September 1, 2023

Ashley & Lauren always ask you to share all and never hold back. Well you certainly haven't this week... From girls letting rip so badly that they shat on a stool, to your traditional Grandma hearing Lauren say 'I only like a whole lotta c***', we've got it all here for you.And have you heard the rumour that Lauren's got an OF account? Well everyone did at the wedding she went to!To sign up for Patreon for more exclusive content and full video episodes, click this link: https://patreon.com/niptuckpodTo get involved with the show, you can send us a DM on Instagram and TikTok, find us @niptuckpod.Or you can email [e-mail] can also send us your beauty questions, icks & dilemma's via WhatsApp! Message or voice note the girls on [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hi guys and welcome to nip tuck not giving a this is the bonus this is the podcast where we celebrate being negative bestie little girls bed rotting smelly smelly stinky horrible women and we're here for all the other smelly women that want to watch us anyway this is about being unapologetically yourself shake yourself out of that bad mood you're in stacy pick yourself up off the floor shannon shannon sharon get going let's move okay on nip tuck we want you to get your voice heard this podcast is nothing without you or me you can email us at hello at nip tuck pod.com you can also send your ick style emmers everything over whatsapp tell us your beauty hacks ask us any questions that you've got we'll keep it anonymous if you embarrass yourself royally

it's only us that we embarrass in person we won't tell anyone so head over to this episode's description or our instagram page for more information on how to get in touch give us a share give us a like we love that we love it basically we don't give a fuck now now i've got a message she's got a message hi girls here's a little story to hopefully make you giggle i'm listening oh i flew to nashville for work nashville nashville oh she's an air what are they called now cabin crew cabin crew a crew member i flew to nashville for work i know who this is do you when we arrived myself and the girls on the crew got dressed up and went for a And I, in the big city.

Big lights, big city. I made the crucial cabin crew mistake by going out before I'd had my PFP, my post-flight poo. Oh, that must be a thing. They must call it that. Well, yeah, because your tummy's full of air and stuff, isn't it? Yeah. That poo needs to be a time-taken poo. To get everything out.

To get the wind and the horrible, stinky, and they're really stinky poos, aren't they? i think the farts that you do on a plane smell like no other it's a certain smell yeah it's a fart do you know what play playing farts smell of when you open a packet of ham and smell that's oh my god yes they do ham farts billy bear ham farts we've all been there open next time right okay in the first bar i was farting like in the first bar i went in i was farting like a trooper and they fucking stank one of the girls admitted to me that it was her off me our mixed farts our mixed farts filled the bar to the point where others started noticing

and that we blamed the group of lads on the table behind us always the only way who's opened a packet of ham in here as the multiple conversations continued oh wait oh wait you've missed the bit go again sorry i'm getting too excited i love a fart story as me and this girl are finding farts funnier than the three-year-old i pushed another one out only this time i knew it was different oh no i was wearing a short dress which was flipped over the back of my stool so my bare ass was she was a mess this night a mess we've all been there this is like a night where you lose your handbag or something as the multiple you can never ever take back i bet she looked like you know like the ring sat on this bar stool doing these farts as the multiple conversations

continue i go to sit on my hand to check the damage i felt it i felt the wetness and i knew i'd shat on the stool i sat there for a few seconds contemplating how to get out of this everyone knowing i took the only viable option which was to use my hand that sounds like an awful idea it's not viable at all you tell your friend to go and get some tissue but in the state she was in in her mind the only viable option is to use her bare hand wipe my ass my poo i would discreetly wipe the poo off the stool whilst covering it with my dress i knew without looking that my hand was holding a wee shit she's scottish i know who it is i got up slowly with my hand behind my back and took a quick glance at the stool i used my other hand to wipe off the excess

and i bolted for the toilet and of course there was a group of girls chatting and standing by the one and only sink in the states the toilet water is so high it's essentially a pail of water right so i washed my hands in the toilet water i flushed and cleaned myself up i had to bin my knickers but there was no bin so i stuffed the knickers in the cubicle behind the toilet bowl i went back and join my crew carried on too many drinks in i admitted to my farting companion that i'd shat my pants fair to say we got on like a house on fire all night she couldn't look at me without pissing herself laughing i will now always have a pfp going forward p.s i have too many friends that received multiple messages from schmink schmackney everyone's got a friend we didn't ask

oh damn it everyone's my friend anyway that's funny have you ever shat yourself on a night out no

no I've not touched wood come on we've got to 33 I've not and that's really what I have done before is gone on a night out

and had horrific wind and the whole night stunk I've done that and blamed other people like I've done that but I've actually never I have only pooed myself a real handful of times

I had really bad anxiety once when I got dumped and I was crying on the sofa and I pooed then lucas has pooed in his pants oh no where were you a small poo this was like high school and whatever last weekend then it was very very like severe food poisoning we went out for dinner right and it hit you did you push a trump or was it it just literally fell out it was

really chocolate shine right got another message do you want to read that hi girls i thought you'd find this amusing i'm a loyal listener but i've been traveling for a month so i was a bit behind on a few eps i was halfway through an episode i was listening to on my walk to my elderly formal and old-fashioned grandma's house a proper grandma not a nana no not a nana a grandma grandma grandma as i said i had to stop mid-sentence i was showing her all my african safari pics from my travels when my spotify glitches and starts playing at full volume i only like a whole lot of clock cock lauren blurts out in response to ashley saying she only eats whole foods oh my god i don't remember saying that it's like i say it and i'm like

amnesia after i don't remember saying it thank god absolutely horrified my grandma and i never spoke of it and i just carried on as if nothing happened keep up the entertainment lots of love it seems that's like when my i i told one of the funniest stories i've ever told on the podcast lucas made us cut it out because it did contain some illegal stuff that's like when that happened to me and they found the thing in the book i wish we could say more on that next brunch secret story yes at the brunches everything you ask us at the brunch it comes out everything right you want to hear one of the shocking things she said at the last brunch hopefully we'll have something to tell you all soon yeah anyway all right go on listeners beauty treatments products questions

all the good stuff all the good stuff hey girls i'm a huge fan of the pod and i look forward to listening every week i'm hoping you could give me some advice so over the last year or so i've gained quite a bit of weight as i quit smoking well done it happens it does happen it's either you're skinny and you stink of smoke or you're fat and smoke free who you can't win or you're healthy lauren sorry or you are healthy with a well-balanced diet and just sit in the middle that's not something i've ever done i'm now a year and a half smoke well done i went pretty much cold turkey and i found out that i started eating more yeah you replace the bags with the food over the last few months i've started trying to get myself back on track with food the gym

making healthier choices. However, I lost myself a little bit with my style and I'm struggling to find clothes that look nice on my body shape. I feel really awful in everything I wear. When I'm not at work, I wear baggy hoodies, gym leggings, or joggers. I carry a lot of weight in my lower body, including my legs and my bum. Oh, that's nice. They are very short too. I just feel really shitty about this. I went shopping to try and find some new outfits, but nothing looks good on me. I feel frumpy and ugly i feel like i'm starting to be really self-conscious of this as i get older i currently own only one pair of trousers because i can't find any that fit me properly any advice appreciated right there's two ways to look at this yeah i know what you're gonna say

number one is yeah absolutely we'll try and find you things that's not happy so number two is make make yourself happy and there's two elements to that as well part of it is the physical side of things like danny who we've had on yeah who said that she was bigger and she just wasn't happy so one side of it is to change the physical side of it if you really are not happy then you make those changes and you i'm not saying you can never change your body shape because i've got very short legs as well but you can go to the gym or eat less and lose weight that is to feel better the second side of it is the mental side of it and that's learning to have the confidence regardless of how you look and we were saying that on the beach sometimes the curvier girls actually look

better because they do they look glowy and they look very skinny girls don't look as they carry themselves differently absolutely on shoulders so there's two parts to this i feel like you know like you said in that i've been trying have you really been trying i feel like this message is a bit flat i'm quite good at gauging energy so i will tell you something and do you know what me and lauren are very honest and it's probably horrendous advice and we'd probably get absolutely slated for this if we said it on tv but guess what we're not monitored so we can say whatever we want so i'm pregnant at the minute i look like shit in pretty much everything i think you don't but my standard uniform while i'm pregnant because i don't want to spend money

on clothes while i'm pregnant because they're gonna not be worn afterwards is a pair of leggings which stretch and a top and this outfit this one outfit this is what you can see me in now and every day i wash it and then i put it back on in the morning yeah okay now i after i've had a baby also i save some money to go and spend on whatever outfit i fucking want for that first post baby night out okay and i don't let myself buy it until i'm happy with how i look right so i feel like if and i'm comparing this with me previously like after i had saskia i was like i just went out and buy things that i didn't even like ever want to wear again just that fit at the time yeah i agree and waste your money on it and you don't feel that great in it save your money

up and be like right once i hit wait i agree uh nine and a half stone ten stone i'm going out whatever you are and i'm buying something fabulous that i can wear and that's the new like i feel like i put myself on a buying ban until i'm happy with so i feel like you're gonna buy for the sake of it the advice that we should give if we were politically correct and we were saying the right things would be darling try this this could fit your figure try this you know go wouldn't do this but we're real and we're giving our genuine the advice that we would give our mates with nobody listening to judge us we're giving that advice to you girls and i'm complete with you ashley she sounds to me here like she is unhappy with her body so instead of going yes

yeah you want to buy some things that suit you i understand but i think there's a bigger problem here and i think you're not trying hard enough no i'll be honest and if it is bothering you that much you must do something about it now write your goals down as well with your weight however shape we cannot change really if she has got a bigger leg you can't change that i've got big arms like and you know there's certain things that i don't like but so with her she's saying when you do put there's about a half a stone gap where it tips me over into oh it's very unhappy now so what i will say if you have got bigger legs or a shorter leg or whatever But pants-wise, good American jeans are fantastic for a curvier body.

Kardashians like that. Kardashians. Now, this is a very obvious, it sounds obvious, it sounds like an obvious staple piece, but I think that curvy girls look stunning in a jean like that that fits them really well. Around the waist. Around the waist.

Makes your waist look smaller because your legs are bigger. And then... Embrace the big bum. Oh, my God, everyone's into it. And a body. A Zara. I've got one on right now. They're fabulous.

this with they do go bubbly them though we'll get skims then if you can afford the skin no i found an amazon dupe of the skims one and it even comes with the same like perfect so what you want is something that is going to pull your top half in more and embrace the fact that your hourglass small waist big booty okay but i think you're not happy i agree i agree i'm also answering both the renpo scales they connect to your phone they're like 30 quid okay and every day when i'm on my mission i do keto or i did that francis diet thing and i had it connected to my phone and every morning i would go bang on the scale and literally i'd send it you and if like it'd be like you're not allowed wine this weekend no if you've done that you get on it

no i think the thing is if you really are unhappy what you need to make think is would you rather get your act together and really try hard which is going to be unpleasant for a while but you will be happier in the long run yeah or would you rather continue being half-arsed with your and dress around and dress around it and be unhappy and that's only that's down to you um but yeah i hope that helps that's the advice that probably we shouldn't give but we will give because we give our honest opinion right next one hello i'm writing in about the lady that wrote in with the perioral dermatitis we've had a lot of messages about this so it's very common i too have been suffering with this for the last four months i'm a manager in a cosmetic skin

clinic and I know my shit so it's very frustrating okay I can get that I've had that before with psoriasis and I felt like I know what I'm doing and you don't I've spent hundreds on all kinds of things which have helped to a degree but it's never gone and it's actually aggravated it sometimes I'd urge the lady to see a dermatologist for a prescription I did mine online and after four weeks it's practically gone by 75 and it's so much better also after doing loads of reading online and i think that lauren is right it could be gut lead so drinking homemade celery juice i had mine this morning can help massively lastly what's helped me is changing to fluoride free toothpaste honestly guys if you're still using fucking fluoride toothpaste you're actually

fucking yourself i've got no idea i've still not looked i've still not please please please please please start using fluoride free especially females hormones everything please and look at like the studies of how it fucks kids up and shit i'm sorry i'm not going to go into it but have you got a suggestion um on my amazon is the fluoride free i think it's called aloe dent there you go same price as a normal toothpaste really really good google fluoride kids too then yeah but i did get told off at the dentist they said to me when it took sass in last time is she using fluoride free and i said yeah and could they tell and they could tell shit it's not cleaning quite enough i'm taking them tomorrow night and i had to switch it back to fluoride but i'm going

with what the dentist said because it's just i have made the decision i've been fluoride free now for two years oh my god you sound like and i've been smoke free now well done and i've had in my if you had no relapses have you had any relapses with the fluoride when you've been on holiday maybe i've had the fluoride filter put in my alkaline water tap as well because the amount of fluoride that they put in water and the shite they put in our water is absolutely say no to fluoride p.s i was in rotten stall a couple of weekends ago and i saw lauren having a fag outside the pie factory on a break

I believe she doesn't say that I was like I saw Lauren having a fag I thought yeah yeah that could be me I was like you fucking it doesn't say that

it says I was in Rottenstall a couple of weeks ago taking my grandma for a Sunday lunch and it was lovely thank you it's a lovely area

and it made me lol about Lauren being from Rochdale and she saw James coming out of the Thai massage he doesn't need one of those darling

I can tell you I keep him I keep him busy right Anyway, let's have a little break Thank you Charlotte, she's put a name, thank you Charlotte We will be back after the break With your dilemmas and a new man for all you

Schmingle schmurls Are you A loyal listener of Network Talk? Do you set your alarm On a Wednesday and Friday Ready for a new release? Do you laugh? Ha ha ha While you're on the train or driving to work

Do we brighten your day? Do we give you advice? Do we help you with everything? if so spread the news tell everybody tell your mates give us a five-star review do it now put the link on whatsapp it helps us loads thank you lauren we've got a dilemma here do you want to give it a ride well welcome back would be a good place to start sorry welcome welcome welcome right yeah well i just wanted to say i absolutely love your podcast and i also wanted to ask for some advice on my current relationship i met my current partner six months ago after a previous serious

relationship of mine anyway everything was great in the beginning however my friends had told me about rumors that were circling in our small town that he was gay i'd been caught in bed previously with another man not just once either we've all we have that rumor's always there yeah i mean the rumor's about me fucking oh my god do you wanna hear a rumor about me no about me so um went to wedding chatting to someone outside having a cigarette um really nice guy and he said hey are you on only fans i said you what i went no he went no i'm being deadly serious there is some there's a rumor going around our area like not absolutely how you afforded your car isn't it yes yeah saying that you can't have

anything nice if you're a girl no but worse well not worse or better whatever me and james shag on shag so someone's gone to him you know that car she's got a good idea her and james they actually shag full-on serious of it to him they have sex on he's like no i don't think they do no they do they have sex on only fans and that's how they make let me tell you something anyone who's started this rumor if you saw me and james having sex it wouldn't be a range i'd be buying it it'd be a fucking g-wagon because that's how good we are yeah so that's anyway just remind me i mean say this and i don't have sex so so she she would be in so it's the pregnant one right anyway as usual i took over that so she ignored these rumors about him being gay

and as i wanted to take our relationship for what it was anyway a couple of months in we had a few drinks and things took a slutty turn and he told me and he told me he had some toy oh he told me that he had some toys he wanted to play with and i agreed and shoved them up his ass exactly that yeah he brought down a bag a gym bag full of double no i'm sorry oh also when a partner does that do you not think who else have these been inside and i mean the giant monster ones which he insisted i inserted up his bum i did and i couldn't believe how he took the whole thing oh this guy's he's been stretched before anyway fast forward and he still asked me to do this when he's drunk it puts me off as in the back of my mind i wonder if he's been with other men he

absolutely has been with other men as personally he has as personally i don't like that and because he doesn't ask me when he's sober is it something that he wants all the time but only dares when he's had a drink what do you think so lauren whoa okay so there's a guy there's a guy and he is renowned to have a massive collection of sex toys and supposedly likes them putting up his book i know nothing about that by the way oh yeah and um he is gay i don't think he's gay but that's what I mean, he's a serial shaggerer of women and he likes things up his bum, apparently. Yeah, that doesn't make you gay.

That doesn't make you gay. Yeah, so this is where I was going to ask Lucas now. I was looking at it, maybe he just likes things up his bum. Maybe he likes the feeling of it. My honest opinion is if it was just the dildo thing, that's not a thing, but the fact there's rumours. As well. Yeah, but do you not think it's an ex that's done this with him

and because he likes things up his ass. I've told people. and like honestly girls are the worst for making up rumors about guys like because girls make rumors up about girls yeah yeah i know a lot of very successful guys that this rumor about them being gay or shagging prostitutes always goes around because scorned girls are the worst at making yeah that could well be or he could have been bumming another man or he had it could be and right we don't know so we don't know so my suggestion is you speak to him about this it's annoying it's gonna it's annoying so i think they should have the chat and i don't think it

even needs to be a particularly big deal it doesn't need to be that awkward um maybe you bring it up when you're sober or maybe when you've had a couple i'd peg him though before you get out oh my god yeah in case he dumps you first peg him like no like a proper strap on peg yeah get shag him first that's on my bucket list yeah shag him first and then i would just say look you know make a joke of it give him my number right listen i think you have a chat with him when you've had a couple of drinks and you make a little joke of it and you just say like you'll ask him you're gonna have to ask him what do you think or be like should we have a threesome or why don't you just be like look

I know it's hard to come out but I'm asking you now and it's okay oh look because she can't do that no that's not going to work go for dinner and go I'm asking you now

are you gay I've heard some rumours right maybe no there's no judgement he's going to say no because he's continuing this I would say to him

shall we have a threesome what do you prefer a girl or a guy no and if you said a guy he's gay well no you can't play these games

just ask him that's not a flat rule but I do think That's actually quite interesting. Yeah, because then obviously he wants cock, not pussy. And it gives him a way to kind of say, I want cock. So just say, I've been thinking about a threesome. What do you prefer, a boy or a girl?

No, because sometimes guys like to, women get bad. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I think you speak to him. Do you want, and then if he says a guy, then be like, and you know you like things up your arse? Well, do you want his dick up there? What?

Yeah. this is getting weird because obviously i would say like manipulate him no just get a few drinks down his neck then you'd say to him okay honey so i've been thinking should we do a threesome now this conversation think of it this is like a flow chart it's gonna go one or two ways right yes threesome ding okay what do you fancy a boy or a girl if he goes girl we're good we don't need to be having any serious conversations if he says guy ding then you go the other way then you say okay so should we set some boundaries for our threesome um would you like to watch them shag me or you know how you like things up your bum do you want him to put his willy up your bum

okay i think she should say to him babe i've heard these rumors i know there's loads of rumors all the time but because you like a bit of a dildo up the bum i was just wondering are they true or not i don't mind and then when they are and then when he if he tells the truth and you do mind then you say i was joking i did mind bye anyway man of the week man of the week right this is my friend not my friend i'm reading out harvey he's a keeper we need to find him a nice girl 30 years old great job good morals well where's he fucking from let me find him at harvey jordan on insta i'm on it I'm on it I just sent you a picture

on WhatsApp I want to actually look at his thing I want to actually look at his Instagram Harvey Jordan okay oh he's private

oh I've got no he's sent a picture on WhatsApp I've got four mutual friends Susie's a mutual friend is she oh he's fit let's have a look

on the left oh he's nice do you know he looks like the one who stands in the the famous comedian he's in American films

he stands in the mirror and he says a speech that goes like vagina he looks like he's in a nice setting on that picture as well he's got a bit of dirt, he's got shorts on from Reese, he's not wearing a watch

his shorts are from Reese that's an apple, oh it's not it's an all inclusive no I think that's a I'm joking I do that he looks like a comedian, who the hell is it he's attractive, if you like dark hair nice teeth, like a nice build

not too big, not too small He looks quite posh. He looks posh, yeah. And if Susie follows him, he must be posh. I would honestly say that he's one of the good ones we've had. Great mate as well. Yeah, the mate's fit too. Is he single?

I know, I thought that. That is Lucas's type. Yeah, but that's, yeah. Anyway, remember, on Nip Tuck, we want you to get your voices heard. You can email us at hello at niptuckpod.com. You can get in touch via WhatsApp. That means your voice notes. We love hearing you blabbering.

We've not heard any blabbering shite apart from us for a bit. Anyway, head over to the episode's description for more information. Leave us a five-star review and we'll be back again like we are every week on a rolling basis. See you on Wednesday.